Do Go On - 366 - Whacka for Cloaca: the History of the Cloaca

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

There's one thing we love at Do Go On, and that's a triptych! Our friend (and yours) Alasdair Tremblay-Birchall joins us for the third report in the series ... this time, it's about cloacas! This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 8.09 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report). Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodLive show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/  Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Check out our new merch! : https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Stream our 300th episode with extra quiz (and 16 other episodes with bonus content): https://sospresents.com/authors/dogoon Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader Thomas Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just jumping in really quickly at the start of today's episode to tell you about some upcoming opportunities to see us live in the flesh. And you can see us live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2024. We are doing three live podcasts on Sundays at 3.30 at Basement Comedy Club, April 7, 14 and 21. You can get tickets at dogo1pod.com. Matt, you're also doing some shows around the country. That's right. I'm doing shows with Saren Jayamana, who's been on the show before. We're going to be in Perth in January, Adelaide in February, Melbourne through the festival in April, and then Brisbane after that. I'm also doing Who Knew It's in Perth and Adelaide. Details for all that stuff at mattstuartcomedy.com.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water.

We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. hello and welcome to another episode of do go on my name is Dave Warnocki and as always I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins hello hey! Hey Jess, how's it going? Hey Dave, how's it going? And how good is it to be alive? It's even better than usual because we are joined not just by each other,

which is always a present in itself, but also by a newer present. Alistair Trombley-Birchall's here! Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for having me. Thank you, Jessica. Thank you, Mathica. Thank you, Davica. No, it's my honour. Hey, team. Beaker. Yes, we did it.

The Beaker boy. Hey, Al, I've got some exciting news for you. Tonight, my stand-up hour is premiering on the Stupid Old Channel. This has been hotly anticipated, right? Oh, yeah. I've been seeing it on YouTube and it's been saying, no not today not yet out soon well if you look at it today it'll say uh uh yes today wow because it's uh when this episode comes out it's it's 8 p.m australian eastern daylight savings time that could be if you're in australia on the eastern

seaboard that's your time but elsewhere now it's going to be, of course, Australian Eastern good time. Yes, that's right. That's your thing that you uploaded. When you first announced it a couple of weeks ago, there's a link that, you know, like a holding page for when it's going to go live. I was like, great, I'll click on that, give it a like. And it says, one waiting.

Like someone, I would just imagine them there for three weeks at the front of the Apple store waiting for your special. I hope that that was you because you were in there. Yeah, that probably was you. Oh, no. I've been there for three weeks. But there's a chance that there was somebody who set up their laptop and then set up a little tent in front of it.

They don't want to miss a second. Every now and then, their hand comes out. They sort of, you know, they waken the screen. They don't want to miss a second. Every now and then, their hand comes out. They sort of, you know, they awaken the screen. They go, not yet. Soon. My pretty. Like that. And then they go back to sleep in their sleeping bag.

That is so good. Cans of beans and stuff like that. Pooping in other cans. Don't want to mix up those cans. It's just cans, yeah. I think in a way, maybe an equally exciting thing is something I just found out. All four of us are going to be doing solo stand-up shows at the melbourne international comedy festival yeah can you believe it i'm very

excited about is that the i think that'll be the first time that that's ever happened that all four of us yeah considering it's just the first ever solo show i think that is true yeah that is so you actually are i thought matt was was giving you shit no no you no, I actually am. Oh my goodness. My day butt. Is that an amateur? Day butt. That would be good actually. Day butt. Day butt, night butt.

Yeah, I love that. Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. We could do our shows back to back. I could do night butt. Stop trying to ride my coattails. Stop trying to ride her butt. Coattails is where the butt is. I mean, you know, you could paint.

Let me have my own thing. Let me have something for me. Okay, but can I just cash in on it? Yeah. That's all I'm asking. Can I make money from what you're doing? Please. Yeah, how exciting.

Look, that's still a while away, isn't it? I really hope we don't clash so I can come and say it every night. Don't say it unless you're going to do it. Well, I'm going to get my title in right now. Yeah. It's Alistair Tremblay-Birchall in Alistair I'm going to get my title in right now. Yeah. Alice de Tremblay-Burchel in Alice de Tremblay-Burchel. No relation. Okay. And when you did the, you did like

arm brackets. I did arm brackets that nobody saw. Lay in parentheses. Yeah, parentheses. Oh, for the Americans. Yeah. Did you grow up calling them parentheses? I grew up calling them a French word for whatever it is. Angulio Bedou. Angulio Squillibidodo.

Beautiful language. He can do that because he speaks French. It's offensive if we do it. That sounded more like gibberish Italian to me. Squillibidodo. A beautiful language. Language of love, I think they say. Ooh la la, can I just say.

And it's an absolute pleasure to have you here. Al, you know this, but some people at home might not know that this is Blockbustertober slash Blowvember month where we count down our biggest and baddest topics. Thousands of people have voted for what they want us to talk about. Biggest and best topics. Sorry, yes, but they're badass. Okay, yeah.

The ass on this is so bad. We're saving our biggest and worst topics for another month. Yeah, that's December. It's the ride off. Who cares? But you could have badass, like with a T at the end, that kind of makes it like the most badass. Yeah.

So like best, you know. Who do you think has the worst ass of us four? I probably have the most like hair sprinkled over it. I'm just assuming. Shall we compare? Eh? Shall we compare? It's an ass off.

I'll show you my day butt and my night butt. And you tell me. We'll turn off the lights. Turn on the lights. That's what it's going to be. See which one you prefer. But we've brought you here, Al. Yeah.

We've invited you here. Thank you so much for the goodness of your heart. You've prepared a report, I believe, for Blockbuster Toberman. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Would you like to find out what I'm doing? Well, full disclosure for the audience, we know the topic. Right. It's the third in a trilogy.

That's right. And I'm so excited for it. Of course, Al, what are the first two parts of this saga well it all started really the audience authored the first one because for years they were calling for keen for pain that's right correct they were very keen for pain that was that was too keen oh it's like well keep it cool and so somebody needed to find a way they were creepy for people you know what I mean? Absolutely. God, that's good.

So I had to try to find a way to take that title and turn it into an episode. And I made it on the history of the penis. So trying to evolutionarily speaking, how did it come about? And then that seemed to go okay. And then people thought, well, let's balance the gender thing here. And let's make it lit for clit. Not the gender, Al, the sex. The biological sex. I apologize.

Thank you so much for that. That could have been a real rough period for me just then, this being played after a job that I get. After a job that I get. Just before we offer this job, I just have to play you something. I've got a cassette tape. I was going, sorry, everybody. Sorry for anything i

said and so then we did lit for clit and that was about the history of the uh the the clitoris which was such a big hit that i believe you took out uh best guest reporter at last year's uh do go on golden shiny gary awards as voted for by our patreon supporters thank you so much everybody that would actually meant a whole lot to me and you know the fact that i could support clitorises in any kind of way it feels like it was it really makes up for my my life up until this point is there is there any better award to win than one you don't know exists until you've won it yeah absolutely yeah yeah because then you don't feel bad there's no anticipation yeah yeah yeah no pressure yep i like i just like

winning do you think i can put that on my poster comedy festival poster for alistair yeah golden shiny gary winner of course yeah yeah i mean golden shiny gary put it in the little like the little leaf you know how the the all the wreaths yeah do that you just do that nobody actually then reads what's inside yeah yeah but the golden hairy gary golden shiny so so the statue does have a very hairy ass yeah it's the golden shiny gary at the dugo honors awards i love that i thank you so much um it's a bit like academy awards yeah and the oscars yeah yeah like the trophy is an oscar i am gonna see if I can put it at least I would put that on the poster

I would do that that'd be fun yeah yeah I'll see if my poster guy is into it you got a poster guy I'm thinking about it you got a poster guy

who goes vetoes over the poster guy yeah he's like I'm putting that award on there he's like is he gonna retitle

the show as well I don't know I don't know about that yeah I don't get it now should I start introducing

what this what this possible topic is? I can do it in a sort of roundabout way. I think that would be fantastic. All right. So for today's episode, I want you to picture this. You find a 100 million year old dinosaur fossil of a beaked, dog-sized, leaf-munching dinosaur. So cute as shit. Oh my God, I want one. of a beaked dog-sized leaf munching dinosaur. Sounds cute as shit.

Oh my God, I want one. The Cetacosaurus. Oh, that's cute. Now it is so well preserved, right? You can still see some, the texture of the soft flesh there in the fossil, including some greenish. You can see some of the scales, right? And then you see something that is an anatomical area that is still shrouded in mystery for dinosaurs, right?

Because we lose all of that viable tissue most of the time, right? It's an orifice, right? One of the big three? One of the big three, I would say. Maybe one of the big three one of the big three i would say maybe one of the big four even matt's eyes are closed yeah yeah really now isn't that what i thought we all had our eyes closed now this this i've been flipping you off for five minutes how are you picturing it without i can imagine with my eyes open that's crazy you're looking at two things at once that's insane insane, Jess. How can you focus, right? This opening, right, has been flattened during the fossilization process. So you decide

to reconstruct it using it into a three-dimensional model. So what you do is you get a paleo artist to help you during long afternoons walking through the national history collections and photographing preserved animals rear ends right from amphibians to reptiles to birds right and then you turn your lens on the back ends of a friend's live chickens this sounds like the coffee table book i've wanted for so long. Right? Butts. Butts.

Butts through the ages. Until you amass what we would call a hefty survey of the known cloacal landscape. Oh my god. Wow. That orifice was the cloaca. Wow. What? Yes. And what you are doing, right, is you are trying to recreate this vent, which is a fancy word that falconers use for cloacas.

A vent. A vent. You think a vent is a fancy word for cloaca? Yeah. I mean, you know what falconers are like. Highfalutin, right? Oh, yeah. And then using this, they try to reconstruct it so that we can see the oldest known cloaca known to man.

The oldest vent. The oldest vent. Yeah. I mean, you've seen air conditioning vents. You've seen other types. Yeah. I could actually call it my air conditioning vents. You've seen other types. Yeah, I could actually call it my air conditioner's cloaca. You could. I'll go the other way.

So, the topic today is the cloaca, right? Now, what do you guys know about the cloaca? Very little. Yeah, I believe it's some sort of hybrid... Vent. Vent? A bit of an all-in-one type job. Yeah, I believe it's some sort of hybrid... Vent. Vent? A bit of an all-in-one type job. Yeah. That's right.

It's like the opposite of that Steve Jobs speech that he made about the iPhone. I don't know if you guys remember that, because he was like, yes, it is a phone. Yes, it is a music player. Yes, it is a calendar or a calculator or something like that. But it's not three devices. It's one device. Right? Like that. Wow.

Well, actually, no, it's not the opposite. That's exactly what it was. So it's the opposite? It's exactly that. I think he based that speech on the cloaca. Introducing the I-cloaca. But it's not three orifices. But see, what he would really be saying is the cloaca. Yeah, exactly. Introducing the eye cloaca. Yeah, but it's not three orifices. But see, what he would really be saying,

right, is the cloaca is a common chamber where multiple body systems come together with multiple functions, right? The genital, which of course puts the fun in function, right?

And the intestinal and urinary tracts, which of course puts the funk in function right and the intestinal and urinary tracts which of course puts the funk in function right and then there's also like the whole uh i mean you know then there's the birthing canal in there as well if you you know if you don't consider that a genital i do though okay but i don't think it's the fun bit yeah no that's the business bit yeah so uh also for those who don't think it's the fun bit. Yeah. No. That's the business bit. Yeah. So also, for those who don't know, the cloaca is the official orifice of the Two in the Think Tank podcast, which is why I was the perfect person to get for this. Yeah. The word cloaca means sewer in Latin.

Oh. That's only one of the functions. Well, you know, yeah, I think, but there is like a sewer from the ancient Roman times that was called like the Maxima Cloaca. Something like that. Cloaca is also the name of that artwork at the

Tasmania Museum of Old and New Art. Yeah. That is a fake pooping machine, right? Anyway, not that any of that's important. I'm just trying to clarify which cloaca we're talking about. Okay, right, yeah. We're not talking about the maxima cloaca. No, we're not talking about the big sewer.

Okay. Even though it does mean sewer. Okay. Or it can also come from the word for cleansing and just getting rid of stuff. I think you like that kind of stuff. All right? Now, the cloaca is present in amphibians, reptiles, birds,

elasmobranch fishes. Do you know what those are? No. Sharks. Oh. Sounds like sharks. I mean, you could have just said that, huh? I would never do that.

That would be betraying science. Yeah. Is it possible that we're devolved to have them separate? It feels like evolution would bring all of this back together yeah you know what this has been my thinking for years right this has been my thinking for years that this is where we should be going towards the cloaca yeah right because what is it firstly less holes less less cleaning uh yeah you know so much cleaning there's so much cleaning involved all the time although I guess

as cars have evolved it's more cup holders yeah that's true that's more holes more holes yeah more windows in them

yeah more windows more windows do cars have more windows than when they began yeah that's true it used to be they didn't have any no windows

and then there was all windows that's right in the early days of cars they hadn't had glass they didn't have the glass technology for it to not shatter into shards and stab you of course yeah yeah so they didn't have any the early windshields were wooden i think or leather of course they would have had to yeah they get a leather smith there to just install a big piece of cow in front of the empty space in front of you so that you don't have glass break into your eyes um the and then also there are cloacus present uh present in monotremes do you know

monotremes yes i know the echidna and the platypus yes that's right that's right these and these are mammals these are egg-laying mammals the only two in the world that's right they're they're a very old version of mammals that that broke off and and mono treme actually just means single opening i guess they're ignoring the mouth and stuff like that you know eyes in the ears and all that kind of stuff right but oh to answer your question about the i think that yes the cloaca would would be i mean i have this dream this this future where everybody has a cloaca right this beautiful dream where it's like you know everybody has a cloaca you know there's uh men have cloacas women have cloacas non-binary people have cloacas i mean it almost seems like the perfect genital if you're non-binary right to me you know anyway but so you know imagine that there's almost no separation

between anybody anymore you know we've removed the division between between the genders but also between the holes that you've got downstairs right because they're all one hole so there's no more divisions i guess we get rid of the the the gooch or whatever it is that would be the gooch goes i guess the gooch would go well that's it couldn't the gooch just ring around the cloaca have a gooch ring around yeah i mean just put the put the cloaca into the gooch yeah yeah sure i mean look i'll talk to the designers and see what same guy does your post i guess same guy same guy but he gets a lot of vetoing power on that so he might not love the gooch the way that you do it feels a

shame to lose the gooch i don't want you to lose the gooch because apparently the use of three separate orifice uh orifices for for these purposes the urethra the anus and the vagina is a fairly new evolutionary adaptation right so which makes me think that maybe one day we'll even have more holes because i mean maybe we need one because you know we kind of we double use the male urethra for like a sperm and uh you know and piss yeah maybe we could get another another pipe in there yeah just for sperm also the mouth eats and drinks exactly that seems crazy and breathes yeah and breathes it's like overworked i'd like a hole in the neck for breathing because I don't want there to be food that can block it up.

Yeah. I don't like that. That's risky. That seems really risky. Yeah, good point. That's poor design. Yeah. Just put a little vent on it.

Oh, beautiful. Just like a little grate. A little grill? A little grate? Maybe, yeah. Just for filtering, you know, so you don't get dust and stuff in there. You could probably even put like a medical grade filter on there and keep germs out.

Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah, just have a mask on it constantly. Yes, just mask your neck. Why even have it on your neck? Just straight out the lungs, right? Just straight out the chest. Sure, go straight in. Just have like a fresh air intake like a car.

One for each lung. Oh, that's nice. Well, we're not using our nipples for nothing these days i mean i'm not i mean why not they honestly have no purpose i've never heard of it yeah i've never heard of anybody using some of those circular down jet stall yeah uh ducted heating grills yeah i think that would be really beautiful yeah so um okay here we go and then so maybe okay go i was just thinking like in case some people are breastfeeding yeah whatever kill joys yeah second set of nipples oh yeah well maybe there could be sort of more like the you know the traditional kind of male nipples given

to women so that they could use them for uh for yeah perfect yeah anyway just thinking that'll be good yeah i think we have designed we're designing the ultimate human being as homer simpson designed that car yeah um now uh where do you even begin with something like this this is tricky your reports are like like there'll be times where i'll have a report topic where i'm like, I don't know where to start, but I think these are the most extreme version of that. Where do you start with a, a bit of a body? Yes. It's,

it's difficult also because it's such a wide ranging orifice because as you heard before, there's many reptiles that have it. There's many birds that have it. And there are of course some mammals and that weird word for sharks. Right. It's mainly like very old school animals. Living dinosaurs.

I mean, sorry if I'm jesting. Are you laughing because I'm using real technical terminology there? Old school animals. None of this newfangled shit. Animals like we used to make them. I mean, I would argue that all animals are old school animals and they all come from uh really far back um but i guess there are some that have just preserved their older ways more conservative animals right wing animals the crocodile the

right wing animal there is you want the old white guy of the animal world. Yeah, yeah. So how about... I'm the old white guy of the animal world. How about I just tell you some of the things that cloacas can do? Yeah. Right? Sell them to me. And I'm hitting you with some fancy stuff. Like, firstly, what we do know is that if you've got the urethra,

the sort of the poop track, and the sperm or eggs coming through there, it's a dirty hole. It's a crazy, dirty... What a sewer of a hole. What a sewer of a hole. So you think, every piss has got a bit of shit in it. Every shit has got a bit of jizz in it. Every jizz has got a bit of piss and shit in it. It's not an ideal situation. Every egg's got a bit of piss and shit in it it's it's not an ideal situation

every egg's got a bit of like gross all of that on that i mean that's got a shell that's got a shell is there a real issue with your piss having a bit of shit in it or vice versa i mean i don't like unless you're my piss with shit so is it similar to what how you think there should be more holes in the human do you have multiple multiple toilets? Yeah, I don't. It's like a child eating who doesn't like their food to touch. I feel like that, but the opposite. I don't like any of my waste products. I spit into one sink.

I piss into another sink. And so on and so forth. Nothing touches. Yeah. Very fussy excreter. on and so forth nothing nothing touches yeah very fussy um excreter um so so as you know cloacas serve as a waste elimination point it also serves as a function of the vagina in females and in some species it has a function similar to that of the penis in males right they can receive sperm lay eggs and give birth through cloacas.

Now, we remember last episode, we found out that hyenas get birth through a clit. So I feel like this is a huge improvement. Whoa, I forgot that. How did my brain eliminate that from the memory? It's big, right? It's real big. It was real big.

It was bigger than their males' penises, and they often tear in birth. And I think it's, yeah. I think we posted a photo on our social media at the time i mean you gotta you're probably you're probably posting um that was a coincidence hyena genitals anyway yeah um but some species of amphibians reptiles and mammals are thought to have glands in or near their cloacas which which produce their distinctive personal scent. Right?

And so they're also a kind of, there's scent glands in there as well. Right? And so they're used to mark their territory, leave personal chemical messages, things like, you know, don't forget to pick up eggs or whatever like that. I mean, not pick up eggs. That wasn't supposed to be a joke about how the egg-laying things. It was supposed to be like pick up bread or milk. But again, milk sounds like it's coming from the animal but um it feels like

they would because of all the smells you're talking about it feels like it makes sense that there's a some sort of scent gland there as well i mean it feels like it would be such a smelly hole anyway that you almost don't even need the scent but why yeah is it gonna end up being like a teenage boy who's trying to put a bit of you know links africa over the top that's right but really you're not covering anything you're just making a more potent mix that's right you probably just got to stick it in the dirt if you don't want somebody to smell it you know just while you're talking to somebody the teenage boy stick him in the i just meant your dirty cloaca okay you want to just stick it in the dirt maybe that'll mask any smell coming from it for a bit.

Is that not what you do with your armpits or whatever? Stick them in the dirt? I'll just bury myself up to my neck and then nobody will smell my body. Problem solved. I was just sitting here. Hey, we're having fun. Some animals can actually breathe through their cloaca. No. Yeah.

Animals can actually breathe through their cloaca. No. Yeah. This is an extension of an ability called cutaneous respiration, in which the skin can be used to absorb oxygen and release carbon dioxide, just like the surface of the lungs. Lungs are more efficient, and they're designed to maximize airflow and blood oxygen transfer. But some species, like in some turtles, use it as an important source of respiration

so they have specialized air bladders connected to their cloacas and this allows them to take an air through the cloaca stored in these air bladders and use it as a source of oxygen while diving underwater oh that's awesome so like a backup tank backup tank that tank. That's so great. Yeah. I'd love that. Yeah. You went, didn't you go diving recently, Bob? Yeah. Free diving? No.

No? Cost got him. It was quite expensive. Prison diving. I went prison diving. I can't go into it. No, I went snorkeling. And even that, deeply stressful. Yeah, yeah.

So just having a backup tank of oxygen? Absolutely. Oh, my God. In the butt. In the butt in the butt like that and it just gets automatically absorbed as soon as you need some that's good stuff imagine especially if you could like give not anyone's butt but my butt you know a bit more shape exactly yeah you just pump it up as much as you need that's right fill it up and with some air give it that nice round you know because some pants just, you know, don't look so good.

Pump up the butt a little bit. Go to the service station, 30 PSI. Like the old Reebok pumps, you know? Yes! I don't know why, but I'm hearing the song, Pump up the butt, pump it up. So you see, it's a beautiful organ. Gila monsters, do doves and possibly other

animals can use their cloacas to cool their bodies love that but what the hell is a gila monster yeah what's a gila monster like a blue gila dog uh it's spelt gone wrong it's it's frankenstein's blue gila it's spelt g-i-l-a and one of one of i believe a do go on listener actually corrected my pronunciation because i was saying gila monster and they went gila like that yeah i don't know how you got gala from g-i-l-a yeah and uh they're a a uh the gut the gila monster is a species of venomous lizard native to southwestern United States in the northwestern Mexican state of Sonora, if you're wondering. And so they live in very hot temperatures. And scientists first noticed this because the Gila monster, a desert lizard, can actually inflate its cloaca and cool its body through cloacal evaporation

now evaporative cooling you wouldn't know anything about that you were more of an air conditioning guy no no we did it we did a vap as well i loved i loved a vap i was all about the evap see i didn't know that i thought you were hvac no no hvac and a vap okay we did yeah we did we did all sorts of stuff on a floor hitting but. But I think HVAC, doesn't that not include? I don't know. I really took a gamble there to make some wordplay. What is HVAC? What is it again?

Heating. Heating. And? Wait, what was the thing? HVAC. HVAC. Ventilation. Ventilation.

Air conditioning. Air conditioning. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe. But I think evaporative is technically still conditioning the air. Yeah. Conditioning and probably ventilation. Ventilation, of course, that's like cloacalation.

Cloacalation. Man, I wish I had this knowledge back when I was in the game. Yeah. Think of this system as a cloaca for your house. It's awesome. I made another sale. God, he's good. God, he's good. he's good go and ring the bell ding ding ding i wish i worked i wish it was that kind of oh that'd be awesome actually i don't at all but that would be funny we can put a bell in our office if you want we can do anything we want in

our office yeah that'd be cool like oh just finished another podcast report because i'm thinking about calling my festival show Ding. Maybe I should have a bell on stage. Yes, 100%. Every time. Every time you get a punchline. Every time I get a laugh. Yeah, yeah, ring the bell.

One of those bells on a stick. That's how you can really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, town crier. Like that? Yeah. I think that'd be really good. And then have a butler who comes up and goes, sir.

Yeah, have a butler. Oh, my goes, Sir. Yeah, have a butler. Oh my God, that. You rang me, Lord. Me, Lord. Al, do you want to play the butler? I mean, I want to play the butler. I mean, sorry. I got confused on what you meant there.

I thought I was picturing making out with your butler. I don't know. I know that's not playing the butler. I mean, that feels like it's like he's a musical instrument you were so ready to access that you made whatever words i said fit what no for a while there you were playing the butler but now you're ready to settle down i'm also picturing like i'm sitting down i'm holding the butler like a sitar, like this, and I'm squeezing different bits, and he's going, oh, oh, sir, more wine, like that.

And you're just going, you know. I like the idea, back to the cloaca, of being able to cool yourself down. The cloaca is becoming more and more appealing to me. Well, that's what I think. Because when I'm too hot, oh, my God, I'm a nightmare. I just shut down. I'm so grumpy.

I'm like a little child. Do you know how many times in summer my partner has to say, why don't you go have a cold shower? Hey, do you want to go cool down? And I'm like, I don't want to! And then I go and I come out nice again. So a cloaca. I mean, imagine if you could just puff out your genitals.

Yeah. And then you have the wet bits the particularly wet bits out like that so i'm picturing uh uncircumcised guys pulling their foreskin back i'm picturing uh women sort of really pushing like sort of i guess hemorrhaging pushing some of them hemorrhaging i guess i guess like somehow pushing the insides out yeah like that and then having a breeze pass over it and you go, oh, actually, that actually is really refreshing. Because I think that's what a lot of cooling is. It's just wind picking up wetness and then absorbing. Was that H-man?

Absorbing like energy in that process. I know you'll probably next year do an episode about balls, but the balls will, they've got some heating and cooling stuff inbuilt, right? When it's hot, they'll get bigger and drop down. Yeah, I think I'm talking like I've never seen balls before. You panicked there because nobody immediately went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like, this is only happening to me

you know when your balls are yeah it gets hot and your balls get really big and it shrinks down in the cold no man that doesn't happen to anybody do you have balls? how are they? what the fuck is that? your balls get smaller in the cold?

I don't know if they get bigger but I think that they are dropped from your body because their ideal temperature is not whatever your human body is. So the shrinkage thing. Shrinkage. I think that's more. I think the shrinkage. Yeah.

But they do do that thing where the skin kind of tightens up. Yeah. And it almost looks a bit more fur coat-y or something like that. Fur coat. For me, you know how hairy I am. balls or something like that for a coat for me you know how hairy i am um but uh and is does this also i don't know why i'm treating you like you're a general expert now but is it also true that when there's when you're feeling like anxiety or fear that there'll also be shrinkage uh because i yeah that's what like i don't think i've i've told anyone about this before, but before I was so nervous one time about,

it was the Raw Comedy Final. Yeah. And it was the biggest gig I'd ever done. It was like my 10th gig and it was in front of thousands of people and it was going to be on TV and stuff. The Raw Final was my 7th gig, just saying. You got there a little quick, didn't you? I always do.

I always pip you. Sorry, who won their competition? Who's fucking side are you on? Don't talk to my bestie lot, man. I like to keep everyone even and low. But I went to have a piss just before, and it basically was not there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, it just wasn't there. like there was it was just wasn't there i did i never i was freaking i didn't need that but i just like my cock and balls disappeared both actually like everything gone it was it was but the balls were gone as well well from that i mean it's a bit of a blur but I just remember being like, how am I meant to piss without my balls? My cock and balls are gone. Did you tell anyone? Because for people that don't know.

Did you tell anyone? I went to the producer. Excuse me. Can I go on later? I need to go to the doctor. They also have a documentary crew there for SBS, ABC, whoever was filming that year. They interview you before the gig and say,

how are you feeling? Did you mention that? No, I didn't tell. I don't think I've told anyone until now. No, yeah. How did you go on and do well? Yeah. Could you concentrate on anything?

It turns out that actually Matt's cock and balls were holding him back beforehand. Big drag. They were getting in the way. Yeah, that's right. That's why he won. I've never done a good gig since. Yeah, I don't have official...

Like, I mean, obviously I have a big part of the report dedicated to your cock and balls. Yeah. But I would just say, in my experience, mixtures you know redirects your blood flow to other places and that also basically happens where you're like oh my god i can't i remember at one point i couldn't piss i knew i was about to get on a bus the day after and there was still stuff in my system medication and i could not piss before going on a three-hour bus ride and i was like i just need to just just give me a moment to just control it so that i can let the piss out and um and yeah anyway so i think did you get to piss or did you have to hold it i think i did eventually like after standing there for like 10 minutes yeah being like because it's like it

almost feels like magic anyway so it's like you know you're like how am i making this piss it almost feels like i'm just going go but it's like it almost doesn't feel like you know how am i controlling this this feels like i'm not really releasing anything i'm almost kind of just willing it and so when it doesn't work you go this makes sense that it's not working because it always felt like it shouldn't work yeah because you're not turning anything on or off really yeah it's like when you're in the you're swimming at the beach and you're like i'm gonna piss while i'm in the ocean yeah but because we're so conditioned to only going in toilets yeah you have to really think about it or sinks you have to really think about it and sort of be like okay all right and

go you know you gotta think about it way more yeah for me it's like i can only go and i can yeah i can only well i can piss in one ocean but then i have to go spit in a different ocean so like the atlantic and then if i need to poop then i have to go to like the indian ocean yeah you know or like at the antarctic it's gonna be a big day it's a big day so that's why i stick to sinks well remind remind me never to go snorkeling with either of you yeah okay i will remind you um i'm all in my gear and you're like oh by the way i'll be pissing out there i'm gonna be pissing you out and take it off and i guess i'll just in my gear and like oh by the way i'll be pissing out there i'm gonna be pissing you out all right and take it off and i guess i'll just ruin my holiday um so this is just back to the using cloacas for cooling scientists wondered if birds could do the same thing right so they

decided to test it by measuring heat loss on these particular birds that uh live in high temperatures and sure enough they found that these doves appeared to secrete more moisture through their cloacas under very high temperature conditions and were able to achieve heat loss this way. However, it appears that not all birds can do this, such as the Eurasian quail. When tested, it didn't see the same effect

because the bird just went under heat stress and then it just panicked. And then they were like, oh, I guess we've got to stop this. So not every... The bird panicked, then the then it just panicked and then they were like oh i guess we gotta stop this anyway so not every the bird panicked then the scientist panicked yeah it was like well i don't want to kill a bird i mean i don't know if scientists actually feel like that they're like i can't wait to kill them yeah let's be honest yeah it's such a strange thing to dedicate your life to isn't it killing birds oh man we're just watching and will the cloaca cool

it down all right here we go and the is, when they were testing this other bird, like when I was reading how they did it, there was this whole bit where they were like, okay, we put it, like, how do you measure sweat being emitted from different bits? And they're like, oh, we put it in a box, and then it's got, like, its head through one bit, and then we put a thing around to separate the room. But then they're like, and then this bit made me really sad,

but then it gets better, right? And then they glued up the cloaca. And then I was like, Oh, like that. Cause they wanted to be able to measure what comes out of the skin and what comes out of the things like that. But then they said,

and then they took off the glue or whatever. They unclogged it. Do I have to call the fire brigade? They always have to do that. I think they just end up getting a fire warden on the site. I remember as a kid in like art class, having PVC glue and just like put it on and then being able to peel it off. So satisfying.

It was a gift to that bird. That's right. It was one of the few great joys in life. Because I mean, it's actually hard to find a joy as good as peeling off all that fake skin from a glue yeah on your hand since like i like is that a universal experience yeah like when you got a really good long bit yeah and then i'll like and you can see all your lines and folds on the inside you go oh my god

it's like almost like you're recreating yourself that's living yeah best. Creating bizarro you. Can we get some glue in our house? Anyway, but then, anyway, so it doesn't matter. All right. So I'm going to move on to birds, right? Because there's something that I hadn't realized when I first started. What is that? Do you hear my stomach? What is it?

What is it? Your clock is going off. It knows we're talking about it. That was so loud, I started panicking. Is that me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that? Am I farting?

If the mic didn't pick it up, I'll recreate the sound now. Thank you. That's how I communicate with whales. What number sound is that one, Al's stomach? Oh, how many sounds do I do? Noises? Thousand. Thousand, yeah, that's how I communicate with whales what number sound is that one L's stomach oh how many sounds do I do noises thousand

thousand yeah that's number 942 wow so let me take you to birds right because birds

are probably the ones the cloacas that I've studied the most throughout this writing of this report how many have you glued up

I'm constantly gluing and ungluing them trying to get a lot of them to go through this beautiful experience because you talk about cloacas a lot on your podcast when the thing yeah a podcast where you and your friend annie matthews write five sketch ideas that's right you come up with them in the in the hour where how long it takes yeah yeah on that show you bring

up clackers a lot yeah is this research you've done gonna help you absolutely yeah yeah yeah because i didn't know how versatile they were. I didn't know about the, you know, I didn't know about cooling. I didn't know about the breathing, right? Oh, maybe I'd heard about the turtles a little bit who breathe, but I only heard about one type of turtle that I didn't know was a thing maybe a little bit more creatures can do.

But what I didn't know, right? And this is what I learned from birds, right? And is that a lot of cloacas have a like a penis inside whoa like they were about to do a raw comedy final yeah a lot of them are nervous in a state of about to perform right and so and then so then when i got to birds it turns out that like there's almost 10,000 species of birds, but only around 3% of them have a penis. Right. And so these include ducks, geese, swans, and large flightless birds like ostriches and emus.

They have. They do have peens. Right. Right. But they have this weird penis. Now, if you've ever heard of a duck penis, they people talk about them being kind of curly yes right they kind of like curl up corkscrew yeah yeah they're weird looking but there's this kind of there's just this this insaneness right about them is that they actually inflate unbelievably

quickly right so um i've got wow they so they go from uh you know 6 to midnight straight away They go from 0 to midnight I mean they are packed like a parachute Inside the cloaca And then they come They fill up Like a clown's balloon Like that

But it's like being filled with fluid So here There's a team that reports I love that you went What does zero to midnight mean dave said six to midnight like on a clock from pointing down and pointing up and he said no no from zero to midnight holy crap i thought you were talking i thought you're talking about like from half mass to full mass you know half a mongrel to a full stag. Well, this is going from a raw comedy final to midnight.

To an absolute, like, flagpole. To holy shit, call a doctor. It's hurting down there. Sorry, yeah. Six to midnight does make a lot of sense. But actually, they don't even dangle down like that, you know, because they're all packed away. Oh,'re packed away inside but they're just gonna play like far out well yeah and so i mean i've seen footage of it now right but it says um and so

and theirs is not even called becoming uh like becoming erect it's called aversion right now the aversion of the moscovy duck penis to a length of up to 20 centimeters took a grand total. That sounds about right. Yeah, actually. Is that all? Yeah. Took a grand total of 0.3 seconds. Whoa.

0.3. 0.3 seconds in air and 0.5 to 0.8 seconds in the female mimicking glass tubes. Right? And so they tried to make glass tubes that mimicked the glass tubes yeah well because the ducks so they could see the duck vagina the duck inside the duck vagina cloaca you think

very hard is it like glass well it's it's also spirally so it's like this weird like sperm competition like kind of evolution thing where they evolve defenses essentially to be able to try to control males because there's a lot of forceful imp you know impregnating stuff in duck in the duck community community and so there's this kind of like you know war of

you know like it's a what's an arms an arms race know. And so they change the shape of their tubes so that the duck can't quite get in there as much and things like that. And then ejaculation always happens at the moment of maximum aversion. So as soon as it inflates, it starts squirting out. So if you don't land the perfect thrust, you could be just splooging. Absolutely. Into the air. Into the air. Into the ether.

Everging into the ether. If you're doing it sort of like mid-migration, somewhere between Florida and Brazil or something like that, and you're just squirting over the Atlantic. Now, getting shat on by a bird is good luck. What happens if you get a duck sploogeooge from above asking for a friend yeah i think i think if you can if you can make it land on your broken mirror it reverses that wow it reverses that that's how it also works as a beautiful adhesive yeah pieces the mirror back together like that that's beautiful put on your hand peel it off bit by bit. So that's satisfying. I don't know why that was too fun. I was like, oh, come on.

That's gross. That's gross. The duck's splooging into the ether. That's fine. That's fine. Mid-air onto a person. Yeah, landing all over. On a mirror.

That's good stuff. On your head. David. David, please. You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snow need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that.

Uber Eats, get almost, almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth.

Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. And so I was kind of interested in why do most other, because a lot of other animals have cloacas and penises inside. Right. And so then I was like, well, why do most birds not have penises? Right. And so we don't, we don't know exactly, but so firstly, remember,

I don't know if you – when they were comparing the embryos of Pekin ducks, not Peking ducks, the roasted duck that you would get at a beautiful restaurant, but Pekin ducks are just those white ducks that you picture when you think of a – when you – your first thought of a duck other than those brown ones. So your second thought, your white classic duck. Classic duck. White duck Orange beak

That's a Pekin duck Like Sprinkle That one I follow on Instagram Yeah You follow a famous duck? Yeah from New York City Yeah Get on it

Donald would be a Pekin duck Okay that's the second Most famous example Yeah Sprinkle is number one Sprinkle? No it's Wrinkle So it's Wrinkle

I think Sprinkle's the name Of Brendan Fraser's horse Yeah Is that right? Maybe I don't know That's my favourite horse And this is my favourite duck No, it's Wrinkle. So it's Wrinkle. I think Wrinkle's the name of Brendan Fraser's horse. Yeah. Is that right? Maybe. I don't know. That's my favourite horse. And this is my favourite duck.

Have you seen that horse? Freaking hell, it's a great horse. I'm looking up Wrinkle first. I haven't seen Brendan Fraser's horse. Oh, well, you'll do yourself a favour at some point. But horses don't have cloacas. No. They do have an inside penis, though.

I don't know if you've ever seen one drop. No, yeah. I haven't. Yeah, as a kid, I was near this horse, and it gave me a big fright. Yeah, right. When it just sort of like, it just goes, whoa, that is a great duck. Look at this freaking duck. That's like a cartoon of a duck.

Yeah. They use those sort of ducks in advertising. Oh, you have to. Remember the old Brivis ducted heating ads? Yes. With the little kids describing little ducks in the floor that blow up hot air. And then it's like that kind of duck. Yep.

And they animate it to be. So they were saying the heat came from like duck breath. Yeah, because the kid didn't understand ducks. So he thought ducks. It was a very cute, very successful campaign. Yeah. I believe. For Brivis.

I don't want to speak for Brivis, but fun fact, Brivis is named, the founders' names were Davis and O'Brien or something. They just mushed the names together. Fun fact. It is fun. Not a fun fact. What would we call our business? Perkwart?

Perkwart. That's nice. Stukens is probably better. Stukens is gay! One of those is hideous. What do you mean? Perkwart? Perkwart.

It's like, yeah, you've got the... It's sort of like the Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito scenario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's cute, one's hideous. Perkwart is the Schwarzenegger. Right. And the other one is adorable. Stuken... No, Stukinniky?

No, Stukinniky? What's your last name? Kinniky. Wanniky. Wanniky. Kinniky. So you just had Studa, Dives, Kinniky. Stuniky.

That's pretty good. Stuniky's not bad. Stuniky. Yeah, then where am I in that? Kin. Oh, fuck yeah. Stuniky. Stuniky.

No, you're not in there. I'm not in there. Just Stuniky. That soundsikey. No, you're not in there. I'm not in there. Just Stunikey. That sounds like, yeah. Al's poster guy's going, this doesn't make sense. I'm just deleting you. Just give it a look in. Don't worry about it. So I didn't know chickens have a tiny little bit of a penis,

but they don't really have much, right? So somebody was trying to figure out how, why some have penises and some don't, right? And so they looked inside, right? And because, you know, it turns out that, like, genitals always start the same way inside and you have a cloacal. Well, they have cloacals inside, right? And then something will happen. remember from the Lit for Clit episode, I would have talked about genital tubercles, which is just like the nub before it decides which, you know, sex it's going to be, and then it turns into

whichever one. And so that tubercle gradually gets bigger over the first few weeks, right? But then they've discovered that there's this, why do ducks get this big, long, coiled penis, and chickens, it stops around day day nine so they found that there's this uh with the the chicken it developed it starts developing as a full-blown penis but then at a certain point all the cells around it start committing mass suicide right so there's just this programmed cell death just dick death essentially occurs um that's what happened oh we're not doing comedy with this guy and it helps carve away the unwanted body part so like the dick yes wait wait so it says here for example

doesn't have a dick yeah it's unnecessary for example our hands have fingers because the cells between them die when we're embryos and so for the chickens this means no penis and it was surprising to learn that that outgrowth fails because due to the absence of a critical growth factor but due to presence of cell death factor that means nothing to nobody so does that so like people with webbed feet didn't have the cell death in between their fingers or toes yeah and that like toes normally yeah bats have used have like have not had the cell death and so they get this big webbed area as wings and stuff like that. So there's this protein called BMP4 that they found, and it's produced all along the chicken's tubercle and less on the duck's.

And if you soak up that protein, then the tubercle cells stop dying and carry on growing. So it's entirely possible for the chicken to grow a penis and have they done that uh they have done it with like mice and they get rid of the proteins they keep the bmp in check and it leads to tiny penises or conversely they get rid of the bmp proteins and it leads to a grossly enlarged and like almost tumor-like penis on a mouse on a mouse yeah just a big old around. Just a big old... Oh my God. A big old honker? Is that what you said? No, a honker's a boob probably.

A nose, I think. Oh yeah. We'll say it would be like a human nose-sized dick. Whoa. I don't know. And then they can't get through that classic little hole in the wall. There's the little doors that, you know, Tom from... No, so Jerry from Tom and Jerry can get through

because he's wanged so big he can't get through the door. The little holes like that, yeah. They can just get their dick in. Like that. And everyone inside's like, oh my God.

And so, yeah, it turns out that like, I think that these BMP4. Comes like a mouse glory hole. There's a mouse on the other side going, all right, I'll get it.

All right, I'll get the heater. Check out that honker. And I think apparently that maybe... No, that's a boob. A honker? Oh, yeah, a honker. Oh, no, that's a boob.

Honker's probably a boob. Probably a boob, yeah. Or any part of the butler that you're playing. More wine! a boob. Probably a boob. Yeah. Or any part of the butler that you're playing. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! It makes him sound like a French butler when you play him. Yeah, yeah.

They're all a bit fancy like that. French is kind of like the French version of the English. I don't know what I was talking about. French is kind of the French version of the English. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like those things. Totally. I get it. get it yeah harshness and shit like that butlers are the french is this going badly sorry no you're just losing your mind it's great like going perfectly on a plan and i think i think that maybe also like these bmps and like that

this this kind of protein are the ones that like put a hole in like your you like make your urethra and stuff like that from what i can tell it's almost like a guiding thing that's like all right if we're here then you just start cells start dying it tells the cells around it to start dying and then you can like that's how you would carve the body it's like the the foreman uh getting everybody to follow the blueprints yeah how cool is that yeah it's really freaking cool oh. I think it's just weird that you're like, at some point you're like, all right, we need to do some tunneling through this bit,

you know, bring out these guys. And they're just like, all right, everybody in front of us die like that. And everybody dies. And you're like, all right,

here we go. Move them out of the way. Move them out. Move them out. Like a, like a Michelangelo with the, the chisel, just banging away at that marble being like,

I'm going to turn this bit into a foot. That's right. And then he's like, all right, now I'm going to do David's urethra. He's going to be very careful with that one. That's right, yeah. And he's just got to go, oh, like, do you think he did the urethra?

All the way through. Then we'll talk about that. I think that David meant to have a massive wang, but Michelangelo chipped a little too much. Oh, that's right. He had to be like, actually, that was on purpose. That's right. We find big pieces of great taste. purpose that's right we don't we find he was very scared was um do you think that the scientists will ever be able to figure out how to mimic this technology for like uh building and stuff so they

just go all right we use bmps and we're just gonna make a new building here i guess if you made a building out of cells that you could definitely do that so you know like lab grown meat if you just big they'd have been a big huge slab of meat like that, right? Have we just taken science too far? And then you get BMPs in there and you go, I need a window here, a door there. You need a little meat window. Like that.

That would be like a very thin pastrami or something. Yeah, that's right. Like something you can see through. Like a beautiful. What's that thin? A beautiful pink hue looking through. Prosciutto. Prosciutto is that french um and so then so then the question is like why why are penisless birds an advantage right now i heard somebody say like somebody was like one theory was like well maybe actually penises would be a

huge disadvantage when you're like flying yeah long distance and things like that drag or whatever this is not very aerodynamic yeah but unless they're on your face but then the ducks are like they're like the longest flying they're some of the longest migrating birds of all but i guess they do keep it tucked away yeah they're not flying at midnight yeah that's like an airplane keeps the wheels tucked up until they land exactly yeah they keep their dick tucked up to their land exactly don't let ready land. And they're not flying at midnight. They're flying six till midnight. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Sorry, I just got that. It's a long haul flight. So then it says here, maybe a penisless bird finds it easier to fly, runs a smaller risk of passing on sexually transmitted infections, or is better at avoiding predators because he mates more quickly? Because some of these birds, man, it happens fast. Like, I mean, I watched one footage of like, oh yeah, I haven't told you about, because this is coming up next, is bird sex.

Have you been watching a lot of bird sex videos? I mean, I've been watching dicks inflate. I've been watching some bird sex. Do you have a video of the dick inflating? I feel like we probably need to see this. Yeah, okay. And I'd much prefer to do it on your computer than mine. Sure, sure, sure.

Oh, yeah, there's a croc dick. Why are you loading that up? Is the reason that an ostrich doesn't fly because of their massive dicks? You're saying they're more likely to be able to fly better. A lot of the birds with dicks are flightless. Is that a correlation there? Oh, yeah. I imagine an ostrich would have a huge wang.

Yeah. I haven't seen the ostrich wang yet, but the... Oh, you must. Oh, you simply must. I imagine the cassowary would have a hefty member. But they're all legs and neck. That's true. You know those owls with really thick looking legs?

Or like eagles and stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah. They're going to be. Yeah, they're packing. Oh, they're thick. Yeah, I reckon you're right. Like an ostrich, just all tiny little pin legs and a long neck. It's all feather.

Oh, right. I don't think they're that big. Aren't they? There you go. And the emu? Same thing. Sort of Australia's answer to the ostrich in a lot of ways. Same thing, I would say.

Yeah. Okay, I have a duck dick inflating here. Hang on. Wait, what? Okay. I don't know what we're looking at. Okay, yeah, yeah. You'll see.

So look, we're... Sorry. We're looking at the underside of a duck here. It doesn't look a lot like the underside of a duck, but wait until you see this dick come out. This is going to be a slow motion just so that you can capture it all. Okay, here it comes. So someone is standing by with a plastic 30-centimeter ruler.

Oh, whoa. Oh, my God. It's kind of a hook end. Splooch, splooch, splooch. So it's popped out like a tentacle slash seahorse. Yeah. And it's not like a perfectly symmetrical screw either. That was flipping and flopping.

Yeah. Well, you've got to think that it's finding its way through an unknown tunnel. Life finds its way through the tunnel. So it can't be structurally set in its ways. Because it would only fit one corkscrew tunnel. It has to find one perfect mate. Perfect mate.

Yeah, that's beautiful. That's nice. Soul mate. There's only one out there. It's got to keep banging until it finds it. That's beautiful. Thank you. Dave, that's really touching. you that's life hey yeah you know

what i mean just keep banging away yeah until you find them until you find them or die or die the the before before i go on the one the last argument for why birds might be penisless is because females get more choice of what comes in if there's no sort of inward penetration um so and they can kind of because i think they kind of have to like puff out their cloac or something i'd have to be like i receive what i want yeah okay you know and so it gives it kind of that's why i think that the cloac is a feminist organ, you know, as a feminist organ. I think of myself as a feminist organ. It's a femorifice. And I,

yeah, that's why I think I agree with the cloaca. I think we should all have them. Now, how do you think that two creatures that have cloacas have sex? Like kiss. Yeah. That is actually what it's called.

Yeah. It's called a cloacal kiss. There you go. Wow. They just put them together? They just put them together. And sometimes it happens within a second or two. Right?

So they've got to be like ready to go. A normal amount of time. Yeah. That's after hours of foreplay, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Just like, again, again, again.

Like I'm nearby and then one like you know like the fairy wren will like lift its tail for like is this a half second and the male goes oh i said the fairy wren sort of back up to each other do they well the female will just like put her tail up yeah and then the male will just come up and then just like basically they'll touch like that and then it's over so in that time imagine how much is happening imagine how it's just like yeah

like I imagine if you were up really close yeah like that and then you just go about your day and then yeah keep doing the dishes exactly

you probably haven't even stopped yeah finish reading the paper yeah pick up your groceries or your dry cleaning or something ah

it's just the you know none of this hours and hours just after a day working on that old school you know the husband and wife have a kiss at the end of the day that's stereotypical thing yeah in this case that is creating life is absolutely it's fertilizing some eggs in there that's beautiful anything it's beautiful and you know what i found is quite interesting is that in some eggs in there. That's beautiful. I think it's beautiful. It's so beautiful. And you know what I found is quite interesting is that in some birds,

the accumulation of sperm in the sperm reserves causes the cloaca to become enlarged, forming the cloacal protuberance, right? No, it's like blue balls in the cloaca. So like the cloaca

actually starts to kind of like push outwards and get like fuller and fuller. And they think that the size of the cloacal protuberance reflects the number of sperm stored in the seminal glomerul, which I think is just the sperm. I feel like you're losing control of your math.

Yeah. Seminal glomerul. Glomerul. Protuberance. And it just basically shows the number of sperm available for ejaculation, right? So all else being equal, the more sperm a male transfers at ejaculation, the greater his likelihood of fertilization. And they think that females that preferentially allow themselves to be inseminated by males with a relatively large cloacal protuberance

may gain both direct benefits in terms of sperm numbers and fertility and indirect benefits through their son inheriting a large cloacal protuberance so basically sometimes women are like female birds are picking sorry sometimes women like blue balls it's like they're picking a guy based on how big his protuberance he goes that guy's got a lot of sperm that's pretty common though in like bird culture isn't what's that yeah yeah because there's what's that other kind of bird that collects blue things and that to get a mate so it's similar to that right blue balls blue balls bow bird collects blue things to attract a mate these birds but like blue balls this one feels like it's more like you go like you go like with this guy it's more likely

to be like over and done with with one kiss and i'll just be pregnant and now i don't have to deal with any more of this kind of stuff anymore okay you can stop now yeah okay referencing a bit of a stand-up bit of mine i just like i spat a little bit so i picked up a tissue to try to catch it from the air trying to to mop the air with a tissue. But rather than being like, oh, check out this this shit bird that doesn't have any sperm at all.

I'd have to have sex with him about nine times for this to work. But this guy over here, he's exploding. And imagine that and it's just all there ready to go

and then you're getting it all out in a couple of seconds. Just like... The bird's like, don't touch me at the wrong time the bird's touching the woman bird's touching the man bird on its upper leg okay show that again

I hate this keep your bloody wings to yourself now while I was looking at this I was like hey can birds have orgasms so did you google that was like hey can birds have orgasms um so did you google that exact phrase hey can birds have orgasms um start with hey now nobody can be sure some research

there was one guy who was like putting a call out and he was like all right nobody's not many people are studying this nobody's studying this but i am very keen to study this yeah i'm invested and he's he's like based off of some uh of some stuff that I've heard from people, I think I want to check to see if birds masturbate and if they can have an orgasm. So from this guy, he said that there are some species such as crows. I call it flapping. Flapping.

Flapping instead of fapping. That's very good. That's really good. Sorry. I just wanted to explain it for anybody. I didn't quite get it you see that's why i was explaining it now it works i loved it yeah that makes it worse now there are some species such as crows where they can't find any evidence of masturbating at

all right but there are others like parakeets where it seems like they're it's really common right like some people are reporting imagine so there's two people that like, you know, pitching for a PhD, a couple of guys know each other for years, big rivalry. All right, we'll divvy it up. Matt, you do the parakeets, I'll do the crows. Yeah.

How jealous I would be when your bird starts wanking and mine doesn't. I'm watching it for weeks, months. And the parakeets can talk as well, right? Are they the talking ones? You're getting nothing. Yeah. So they're both talking to you and flapping.

They're flapping. Like fapping. Yeah. They're just going like, cocky, it's a pretty bird. And there's footage of a guy on the same thing. It was a guy with a bird on his foot. And it's just rubbing itself off on his toe. Oh, yeah.

Foot fetishes. It's going to go on like this, up and down. Like that. And the guy's like just rubbing itself off on his toe. Oh, yeah. Foot fetishes. It's kind of going like this, like up and down. Like that. And the guy's like, I think. And then there's a bit at the end where it kind of like gets its wings out. And then kind of like its beak kind of like opens and closes a little bit. And they're like, we think that that could be an orgasm. Right?

And so there's a lot of that. Because you can't know whether any other creature really does have uh orgasms they think in primates like in the 70s and 80s you could kind of get funding to to like study stuff like this where they'd be like they did test stuff out where they would basically stimulate a chimp and there would be some who would then willingly allow it to continue and then they could get to that point and they think that they've seen Chimp's orgasm, but you can't know if it's the same thing as a human orgasm or whatever.

I did a primates episode last month with Seren and he found this article about some researchers had found, I think they were monkeys. Might have been apes. But they found these ones that were using stone tools as dildos basically wow yeah that's very exciting and rough yeah yeah stone yes well i don't know dildos but sex toys yeah yeah that we're using them to rub on but yeah you'd want them to be yeah it feels like not the right yeah material oh totally yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's

and in the birds I should say to which there aren't. Yeah, not to yuck anybody's arm. No, certainly not. I mean, you know I'd use one of those old stone tools

if there was nothing else. For smooth. So they're in the stone age. Quite nice. So they're a long way off from the silicon age. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

But you know, there'd be cucumbers and stuff like that. The cucumber age. Yeah, no, you'd probably find a yam or something like that if you were just creative enough. They're a little while away from the fleshlight age. Absolutely, yeah. That's peak age.

Yeah, but you could probably just get a handful of leaves or something like that. Better than a rock, maybe. A handful of leaves? something like that better than a rock maybe a handful of leaves i don't know i'm just thinking you know you're a you're a you're a gorilla you know what's at hand your hands you know your hand yeah yeah your hand i mean you know but you're you know you're already sitting there you're probably using them to wipe your ass anyway that's so true um do gorillas wipe their ass? I was trying to make that up on the fly. So they found that some things like parrots in captivity

do get attached to particular things that they like to masturbate with, allegedly. And maybe a favorite toy or part of the cage that they get really upset if it gets taken away. And sometimes they use their owner's feet or head. But then somebody's got a theory here that says it's also possible that birds may masturbate for different reasons than pleasure. There are reports of male birds sitting next to females and then starting masturbating, which might be part of a courtship display. Possibly some sort of, if I'm this good at sex on my own, imagine how great I'd be with you.

Wow. Which that logic doesn't make sense to me, but, you know. Because you're looking at it through a human lens where that's harassment. Yeah. Imagine this. I mean, but maybe that's the exact logic. Imagine this. Why do you have to think of this?

I mean, maybe you're right. Maybe that is why guys harass women and be like, I'm just going to go masturbate on a bus. Yeah. And then maybe we'll be like, yeah, he's good at masturbate on a bus. And then many people are like, yeah. He's good at that. Fucking hell. Look at him go with that stone. They're just slightly less evolved.

Is that what you're thinking? I'm not criticizing their evolution. Their thinking is not that far from a cockatiel's. You're not criticizing the guys masturbating on the bus. I wouldn't dare. I wouldn't dare. We might all be that person one day you never know you never know never say never confident i'm pretty confident yeah i won't be

that funny feeling so then there is one bird that they they are pretty sure does orgasm for sure and it's the red bill buffalo weaver which has a phalloid organ that is like a fake dick that they don't put in during sex, but it seems to stimulate the ejaculation. So, but, and they're one of the few birds that has like sex for a really long time, like 20 minutes, 30 minutes or something like that. And...

That is a long time. Yeah. That's like bloody a sting from the police yeah that's tantric bird sex right there yeah and and they've just found them kind of like just going for it and i think they think maybe it's because like these birds like they have a lot of partners like there's like a there's a bit of polygamy kind of going on or whatever and uh and they think that maybe that could be like that the long sex is to occupy the female's time so during that time she's not getting impregnated by anybody else and things like that right so the theory is like if we're having sex all the time no one else can have sex with yeah cool that kind of stuff okay it's a cool energy yeah but but they they they do reckon

that these ones are the one bird that they feel like they've been able to confirm that does have orgasms. So I don't know. Because afterwards the bird has a little cigarette. Thanks, baby. I think I know what's going on here. So I know this has gone on for a long time,

but feel free to cut out this and many other things. So I'll do one other cloaca and then I'll do one other thing and then I'm basically going to wrap it. Just, I found this interesting about the cloacas of alligators,

which by the way, are I think the most beautiful cloacas. Really? If you're going to look at cloacas, because they've got that beautiful like underbelly pattern, you know,

and then, and it also kind of gets really nice as you get closer because they just kind of just got a little slit, you know, that goes kind of like the same length of the body, you know, like it's kind of gets really nice as you get closer because they've just kind of just got a little slit, you know, that goes kind of like the same length of the body. You know, like it's kind of parallel with the length of the body. And I don't know.

There's just like a nice – it looks like a little coin pouch or something like that. You know, it looks beautiful. Anyway, but I just found here that it turns out that a researcher, Diane Kelly, dissected the alligators and was surprised by what she found. She found that the alligators had a 7cm long pasty white phallus under the thing. And when she dissected the tissue, she found that it was filled with a stiff, fibrous material called collagen. And then she filled the penis with saline fluid. Because normally in mammals, turtles and birds, inflating the vascular region of the penis with saline enlarges it, allowing them to see how the penis becomes erect. But when she did it with the alligator, there was no change in diameter.

And so she realized that the alligator penises are just constantly erect. They just like live under the surface in a constant state of erection. And then she was like trying to see how it popped in and out of the alligator's body. They just like live under the surface in a constant state of erection. And then she was like trying to see how it popped in and out of the alligator's body. And so she was like, you know, she was dissecting, but she pulled on various tendons and muscles in the cloacal region and just found one set of muscles that caused the penis to just shoot out. And then another set of tendons attaches to the base of the penis like rubber bands, she said. And as soon as those muscles relax,

the peanut gets whipped back into its original position. Whipped. Wow. Like that. So she was just like pulling on little things. Wow. And then suddenly one goes

like that, like a trebuchet or something like that. It's like a, like a, the fastest gun in the West sort of thing. Yeah.

I don't even know what's happened. You could, you could have a crocodile in the Magnificent Seven, you know? You know, but that that's for point blank. Anyway. They have other weapons.

You know, their jaws are so strong. They've got tons of energy or whatever going down, but very weak going up. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? That's why Steve Irwin was able to just hold their jaws closed. Wild.

Yeah. So then I came? That's why Steve Irwin was able to just hold their jaws closed. Wild. Yeah. So then I came to my final end point, which is, you know, getting to my dream, which was, could humans have cloacas? Right. Great question. I would be up for it if they were somewhat customizable. Like, I want the cooling option. I'd pay more for that.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. I'd have that, for sure. That's a premium model yeah and i think that that might be a case in the future if we can advance them but it turns out that some people do are born with cloacas right there you go and so because all human fetuses start off with a cloaca but during normal pregnancy it separates forming the all-important urethra, anus, and the reproductive organs.

I think they're ahead. I think they're the first signs of evolution. Well, wait until you hear the rest of this, right? So then one of the reasons the cloaca can't work in humans is because we have a bladder. And so whereas other animals don't, and so in an animal, the cloaca, the ureter empties directly into the cloaca, right? And so there's no bladder. So that common area doesn't have stasis of urine, right? Because we hold urine in our bladder for long periods of time, right? So a typical bladder holds urine in stasis until we're ready to let it out. So it's just sitting there. So this non-moving collection of urine that humans have is a big deal if a cloac is present because in kids with cloacas the problem is mostly that

they get bacteria from like from poop and stuff like that into their bladder and then the urine is static in there and so then that starts causing infections in there which then you also get urine reflux up into like the kidneys so get rid of our bladders kidneys infection yeah get rid of the bladder i mean it is a huge benefit having bladders because then we can really piss whenever we want we can hold large but like so birds they just they need a piss and it just happens i think apparently you can train birds to hold piss in a bit their piss and shit is the same is it a lot of the time it's just a mixture of the two right um so yeah you can but apparently it's not it's bad for them um and also it's if you're a bird you want to be getting rid of as much weight okay get rid of our bladder and we wear

like absorbent undies like period undies or or diapers like old timey yeah old old timey undies period undies yes me undies the brand that often advertises on podcasts um but apparently this does happen in like one in 50 000 people uh and one in how many one in 50 000 so it's relatively common yeah relatively common and so a lot of the time then that means that you know in the first few days of life life kids have to start getting surgery to try and fix it because it does create a lot of uh lifelong problems and recurring damage to the kidneys and then needs kidney transplants and things like that and so if we are one day going to move towards cloacus these are

some of the issues that we're going to have to deal with i think i've just solved a bit of it though yeah i mean you know what we get rid of the bladder yeah i mean that would be beautiful cut it out and put on period undies period undies i mean couldn't we just put you don't even know they're just like normal undies you know but we could do we could just have a big like you know like let's say we made a big fake um perineum yep that we just put under our it goes from the front here like kind of like undies but it's made out of silicon right you put it there and it covers your whole butt yep and. And it covers your genitals. Yeah.

And then you just poop and pee into that. Yeah. Right. And then at the bottom of the pyrenees, just put a little hole. Yeah. And then whenever you want to get rid of it, you just squirt it out. So you just sit in your own feces and piss. But it's like, well, but it soaks and it's sort of like.

It doesn't soak. It just sits there. Okay. And the smell is neutralized. Oh. I don't know. I don't know. And does it just like sploosh around in there splooshes

around things like that but you would get to have a urethra that kind of works and you don't get infection but i do not at least of your kidney don't i already have one that works yeah yeah yeah you did yeah yeah i think she's good so what uh what is a perineum? Well, I mean, we might have to see that on another episode. I'm not asking for mail. I know. I just thought maybe there might be a list out there. Really feeling that perineum. No.

It's not going to work. That was the rhyme. That was going to be a rhyme. Yeah, yeah. Don't put that in the episode. People have suggested before heinous for anus. Heinous for anus. But I don't think't don't put that in people have suggested before heinous for anus heinous for anus but i don't think the heinous is quite the like no aren't the words meant to be some

version of wanting it keen yeah yeah keen even whacker whacker like that's on the edge but i think that's still just yeah i think whackers like i've almost gone like i've gone stupid for cloac yeah you're like a like a salesman who's you know dropped the process too low yeah if it's on the floor it's out the door i'm wacker for cloaca yeah so yeah i think that this one was already pushing it right i mean um so but but um what do it lit i think it works lit yeah that felt good yeah yeah yeah i mean that felt really good that felt like you know i was filled with fire and energy other they're still keen for the gene which some have suggested as well sure so there's still there's still you know i think the trilogy may become a quadrilogy and and you know it's possible

i don't yeah i guess we'll see how how uh how this cloaca is received i didn't i did say someone was disappointed that um they suggested keen for the geneene and were disappointed they didn't get a shout out on the Live for Clit episode. I'm like, the Clit and the Vagene. We need this episode because they didn't realize the Clit and the Vagene are different things. Yeah. So I think you were needed here. Well, now they're getting a call out about how misinformed they are.

Do you want to say their name? Ignorant, I dare say. I can't remember. It was just a tweet tweet or something we don't want them to be disappointed again i'm sure i probably replied to them well i think you'll find they're uh i'm not a scientist but i am a feminist and i know they're different things so just in in summary yeah cloacas yeah for them or against them oh look they have so little impact on my day-to-day life um so i'm for them geez that's privilege isn't it uh they you don't think they impact your life but what about all those chickens you eat they've got cloacas i don't eat chicken. Okay. Well, that's the most shocking thing I've learned today. So you eat sort of bigger birds.

You eat big bird? Yeah. Big bird. Don't do it, Jess. That was me trying to do big bird, but then it sounded like they were from another country. Don't do it, Jess. Don't eat me. Rob Schneider is big bird but then i sounded like they were from another country don't do it jess don't eat me snyder is big bird hi i don't know what big bird sounds like i don't know oh hey i don't know

i can't do it i have no idea yeah i can't hey sn, yeah. That's pretty good. You are good at this. Hey, Snuffy. No, you're just copying Matt. Well, if Matt got it right. Get your own. I want people to be impressed with me in the way that they were impressed with Matt. Do something impressive then.

All right. Do-do-do. Do-do-do. Do-do-do. Do-do-do. Do-do. That is impressive. That is impressive.

It's mostly the way he contorts his face and body to make those sounds, which is lost on a podcast audience, but a delight for me. Seemingly unnecessarily too. Well, I'm trying to make it more impressive. That was a theme song from that pirate cartoon from like the 90s or 80s? I mean, it's a classic song. It's the sailor's hornpipe. That wasn't invented for that. That sounds like a euphemism.

Ah, the old sailor's hornpipe. Alan, I answered your question. I'm fully for them. Yeah, you're for them? That's great. They're great. I think they really serve their purpose. I'm wacka for cloaca. This is so great. the cloacal kiss oh that's not the only way i want to kiss from now on yeah

i mean you can you probably can kiss cloacas exclusively if you choose to yeah that's right when i see that wren backing it up the tail comes up i'm like they're so small you'd fit the whole bird in your mouth i don't think you've got the kiss dexterity Have you seen those lips? My goodness He's the ninja warriors of kissing Just kiss them Climbing up mountains and things like that

Finding different animals Pulling them from the sky Catching a bird with chopsticks Kissing it on the co-worker And then letting it go I don't Have you seen Ninja Warrior climbing things

kissing him I'm a ninja lover not a ninja warrior I'm a UFC I'm a UFC lover not a UFC fighter this show is writing itself out yeah

I think there's something funny about you doing a bit about how you you separate all your X graders yeah you need different things or whatever

I think there's something in that alright well I'm writing bits here if you want to come and see my stand up show it's going to have that bit you've already heard and you're going to you'll know where it

where it came from which is nice it's going to have that bit you've already heard. And you'll know where it came from, which is nice. It's nice to know the origin story. That's what Marvel's based most of its whole universe on. Well, Al, that was an amazing report. You've done it again. Thank you.

How can I say that? I was wondering, can he do it for a third time? And you did it. Did it. Thank you so much. Who would have thought that i could talk about a genital for so long this is like that movie trilogy where h1 was better than

the last yeah you think so yeah which trilogy was that like terminate this is like terminator 3 yeah that was a good one uh but al before you go uh where can people find you you can find me at alistair tb on twitter a-l-a-s-d-a-i-r-t-b uh you can find me at the tuna think tank podcast where of course the cloaca is the official orifice uh and i just did a search before i thought there would be episode titles called cloaca but there aren't any. There's not. Well, I mean, but I want you to know that we're going to pepper Cloacas all the way through.

If you're a Cloaca lover like myself. By the time this episode comes out, can you put together a list of... Do you have the notes? You'd have like a searchable doc and you could just give us a list of all the Cloaca relative... Yeah, I'll try to do that.

...related episodes. I'll see if i can do that that's basically all of them though isn't it every episode we try to mention the cloacas at least once or you know whether or not and from now on in a more educated way yeah yeah yeah these days it's like you're gonna see such high art come out of our cloaca stuff i'm gonna be talking about different genitals poking out of the cloaca something i didn't know could happen um yeah i mean you're you're about to you're about to have your minds revolutionized by my mouth and people people can also look forward to your melbourne international comedy festival show my name is alistair trombo

bergel how do you do it's good to see you here by the way i'm not alistair that's right yeah it's basically that alistair trombo birchall in alistair trombo birchall no relation see you there in about five months time um thank you very much for everything and i hope that your lives go well al we'll see you again no no well we're friends you have to leave this room best friends well we're friends we're friends i said friends and that'll do well that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show where we get to spend a little time thanking our fantastic Patreon supporters. If you want to get involved, go to patreon.com. And the first thing we like to do is the fact, quote, or question section,

which has a little jingle. It goes something like this. Fact, quote, or question. He always remembers the ding. She always remembers the jingle. And if you get involved on the Sidneyney scheinberg level or above uh you get to give us a back quote or a question or a brag or suggestion or a recipe or whatever you like really you also get to give yourself a title i'll read four out each week i read them for the first

time as i read them on the show here we go the first one comes from nick brennan aka your friendly Pepsi man. Cool. I'm more of a Coke Zero kind of girl. Oh, there you go. I'm more of a Coke Spicito kind of guy. Okay, that's not a cola at all. Yeah, I don't like cola. I thought you'd be an RC cola man. Yeah, I'm not a cola guy either. And the question comes from Nick.

Although I used to drink Pepsi with Jim Beam when I used to drink that way. All right. Badly. Yeah, awful. When I used to drink badly. All right. So Nick Brennan has a question, which is, hey, guys, it's been a while since I've been able to get back on here. But I have a question for you.

What is one thing you did as a kid that you never told your parents about? He goes on to answer his own question, which we always encourage here at the Fat Quota question section. Shall I read on? Yeah. While you're thinking.

Mine would be that I once rode my bike to my friend's house while my mum was sleeping. She worked third shift and played wwf on n64 that's nintendo 64 i believe on my way home from my friend's house i was crossing a street and a car pulled up and stopped but i didn't get stopped in time this resulted in me hitting the car with my bike flipping over the hood and hitting the windshield and landing on the other side of the car. I wonder if this was a glass windshield or a leather one. I was able, it doesn't say the timeline, but Nintendo 64 is quite a while ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't remember which came first, glass windscreen technology or the 64. screen technology or or the 64 uh i was able to get up immediately and told the driver i was just fine and rode slash walked my bike back home two miles i then parked my bike on the garage i guess in the garage and laid down on my bed incredibly sore my mum unless it on the garage like he parked on the roof yeah probably or it could even just be a terminology thing where Nick's from. Because, you know, in New York they say they waited online when we would say waited in line. What?

Yeah, weird, right? Is that true? I believe so, yeah. What are you talking about? They were on a computer. Yeah, what do they do on the computer? Are they in line on the computer? I've been waiting in line at the post office for 14 hours.

And what about- I've never heard that. On line? Mm-hmm. Matt, you're wrong. I'm waiting on line here. No, I think they still say in line. And what do they call in line roller skates?

Yeah. Are those on line roller skates? What do they color within when they're using a coloring book? In the lines or on the lines? That's very confusing. It's a topsy-turvy world over there in the Big Apple. I think you're wrong. But anyway, keep reading.

No, I think they're wrong. No, I think you're wrong, but keep reading. So, walked off, parked his bike on the garage. Lying down in a lot of pain. Laid down, incredibly sore. My mom, M-O-M, so it could be a New Yorker. My mom... New Yorker. My mom, my mom woke up.

I should read it in his accent. I think it would be, I think just finish. My mom woke up and had seen my boy. My boy. Mom. And I told her I went too fast around a curve. And I hit the gravel and went down.

Wipeout. To this day, she has no idea what really happened. Don't worry. She doesn't listen to podcasts. So the secret is still safe. Thanks again for all that you guys do. I love listening to the podcast. You don't anymore, do you? And have been through the back catalog at least three or four

times now thank you so much nick that's a beautiful tale is it a beautiful tale it's a child getting hit by a car and then the car driving off and then him lying to his mother it's a beautiful tale he told the driver to drive off that That's a beautiful tale of an adult trusting a child. Yeah. And treating that child with respect. I can't think of anything I didn't tell mum. I had a similar one. Maybe, I don't know if I've told this story on here before,

but it was Red Nose Day. I don't know if you celebrate Red Nose Day. Red Nose Day. Yeah, of course. So, yeah, at primary school, we were getting ready for the big Red Nose Day performance. And I was playing the part of the king clown. Sure.

And it was sort of like a talent show. Yeah. But for some reason, there was the pretense that there was a king and queen clown. Yes. And so we're on the stage facing the performers and this is a dress rehearsal and one of the four legs was hanging off the edge of the stage and i leant back and fell off the stage and much like nick uh when people said are you all right yep yep i'm

fine and i didn't tell anyone that I was bleeding on my stomach. I had like a cut on my stomach area. And I didn't, you know, I just didn't tell anyone. So I just was in pain for a while, for a few days, maybe that week. Did the show go on? The show went on. As it must? Yeah.

Well, that was just a dress rehearsal. So no audience or anything. Yeah. Or maybe is that not what a dress rehearsal is? I'm not a drummer. Because that sounds like a very funny slapstick moment they like that's why we made you the king you are the king he's really committed he's a method clown yeah a meth clown a meth clown wow and you never you never admitted that you were in pain no god kids are dumb yeah well you i don't i think it was the embarrassment.

Yeah. I don't know why I didn't tell my parents. I'm sure they would have, you know, probably helped me. Put some debt hole on it or something. Yeah, chuck some debt hole on there. Yeah. Dave, do you have anything you haven't told your parents? Just when he, because he said he was sneaking out a few times,

you know, went out and snuck out of the house with friends. never told him about and i you had friends yes you thank you and the only one i can remember of it certainly wasn't as uh uh as epic as being hit by a car but i remember once we i had i met up i had a friend over then we met up with two other friends and then we wanted to go to the pancake parlor because it was open 24 hours. You can go at any time. Where can you get a steak at 3 a.m. was the tagline. Great. Even though they sold pancakes.

Yeah, but you could get a steak there. Not here. You could get a steak there at 3 a.m. It'd be very funny if they didn't do steak. It was thinly sliced steak on a pancake. It was disgusting. Bruschetta. And we waved down.

Still not bruschetta. Yeah, gosh. Prosciutto. Prosci what is it man i get those two confused i just remember we waved down a taxi which is wild for elton there'd never be any of them and then we're like take us to the pancake parlor but we can only pay you know 35 bucks that's all we've got and it got us about halfway there and we're like all right i guess we're walking the rest of the way to the bank this feels like a teen movie like the premise for a 35 bucks got you half of the way to the pancake place. This feels like a teen movie. Like the premise for a... $35 got you half of the way. $35 is a fair bit in a taxi.

I'm making up the number there. I know, but to get you half by then. Back then as well. And then you're going to have to walk all the way back. And do you have any money now for the pancakes? We've saved enough for the pancakes. This is the only other thing I remember from that night is we actually waved it down from a service station, a BP service station.

And so it was me and my friend and then two, he's a guy and then two girls. And as we're getting into the taxi, some slightly older teenage boys came out of the BP service station and said, Hey, ladies, why don't you come and hang out with some real men? Which is so funny looking back. They're probably like 16, 17 years old. Some real men. Some real men which is so funny looking back they're probably like 16 17 years old some real i've got eight chest hairs oh so good i never thought about that hey i was a real man and did they absolutely not we went to halfway to the pancake parlor yeah like a real man that's right that's beautiful that's a beautiful tale right that's the first thing

that came to my mind that i've never told my parents. And hello, Dad. I know you sometimes listen to this. Yeah, I did just think of something that I didn't tell them. Well, because my grandparents had like a beach house that we would, the whole extended family used all the time. And I was 18 or something because I could drive myself. And I told my parents I was going down with a group of friends, but it was just me and my boyfriend. Whole group's going.

There'll be so many people. You know who's going, like, Linny will be there, all these trustworthy friends. I'm going to Mac everyone there. There'll be heaps of people. Don't worry. We're going to Mac on. Were you saying Mac? Yeah.

Was that not in the lingo? No. You never Mac'd anyone? Yeah, I'm sure we Mac'd. And then do you come home and you're like, oh, gosh, it was so fun. Was that not in the lingo? No. You never macked anyone? I'm sure we macked. And then do you come home and you're like, oh, gosh, it was so fun. Linny was like tearing it up on the beach. You know what Linny's like.

We just hung out, read some books, very chilled out weekend. Yeah, so relaxed, all of us. All the whole group. I think even in the visitor book, I wrote like Jess and friends. They had a visitor book. Yeah, it was cute. even in the visitor book, I wrote like Jess and friends. They had a visitor book. Yeah, it was cute. Loved the visitor book. And it was just the extended family that used it. So the visitor book was kind of pointless, but it was fun.

Everybody always wrote in it and would be like, this is what we did. And you're an adult at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my boyfriend wasn't allowed to stay over at my house. But at your holiday house. At the holiday house. Yeah. On holiday, there's a lot less rules on holiday so sorry mom and dad but also you probably definitely knew that

uh thank you so much for that question nick uh next one comes from ben oliver aka archduke of milk okay that's great and uh archduke of milk oh short short question here. Why are you all so pretty good at everything? Okay, you haven't seen me try to drive a manual. I'm excellent at that. Exactly. Yeah, much better than pretty good. I don't know. That's the question?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Is he making fun of us? No, I think maybe. It's pretty good. Why are Is he making fun of us? No, I think. Oh, maybe. It's pretty good. Why are you all pretty good at everything? No, I think that's all right. Just a genuine question.

I'd say that's quite true. Like I'm a bit of a jack of all trades. I'm not great at anything, you know, but I'm capable in a lot of things. What am I great at? Exactly. Triple J radio? No, again, I'm average. You're average. Like I'm fine. I'm average. You're average at triple J?

Like, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm perfectly capable. So as good as, like, the average person walking off the street? No, as average as if you take all the triple J presenters, average out skill level, I'm somewhere in the middle. Yeah, see, but the problem there is you're taking high-achieving, very capable radio people.

Absolutely not true. Absolutely not true. Oh, you're saying the rest of the people aren't high achieving. No, no, no. I'm just saying they're just people. Right. People who can press a button and talk into a microphone. You're doing that right now.

But they've all been cast because of their skill level. So true. Because I once, you know, I applied to do a radio course and they knocked me back because of my voice. Yeah. I couldn't be in there. Was that a radio course that you were paying for because of my voice yeah i couldn't i couldn't be in there was that a radio course that you were paying for yeah they're like mate it was it was curated keep your money there was only a certain amount of spots i wish that yeah it was funny that they

gave me the reason of my voice i'm like well i can't change that can't change that you also talk for a living now so yes and probably no one else who ever did that course does that. Yeah, absolutely. I would say I don't, yeah. So, yeah, Jess, do you have a reason why you're pretty good at everything then? A reason? Yeah, that's what he's asking. Genetics. My dad says the same thing about himself.

Right. Jack of all trades. Yeah. Capable at just about everything. My God, I don't feel capable of nearly anything. Okay, but like you got up the stairs today, didn't you? You drove a car here. Wow.

You feed yourself. This is such a low bar. It totally is, though, because you're not amazing at anything. But pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good at going up the stairs? Yeah. And honestly, I struggled because yesterday I think I broke my third largest toe when

I kicked a stool that was in a place where the stool was kept. I thought he meant of both feet so somehow his second biggest toe on one of his feet is slightly bigger than... And also my second favourite toe. Third largest, second favourite toe on the right foot.

Right, I'm so sorry. And I'm hobbling around because I kicked a stool that was in the corner of a room where it's a perfectly fine place to be. It wasn't the stool's fault. No, definitely my fault. Okay, I think you both just purposely misinterpreting what I'm trying to say in that none of us are good at anything, but we're all fine.

It's not all fine. It's pretty good. Yeah, what's that? What's the scale? I think pretty good is about fine isn't it and everything as well i'm sure there's there's got to be there's got to be plenty of things i'm not pretty good at i can't fold a piece of paper in half taking shutting my mouth yeah jesus christ i'm not pretty good at that for instance i love the question though

thanks so much ben and i appreciate your support. Thanks, Ben. We're falling apart here. The next one comes from Angelo Del Guducci. Or Gdaise. Guducci. Guducci. Guducci. And Angelo is also the commander of the Flying Hellfish and offering us a fact, writing,

Hey, Rowdy, Bop, and Cobra. Hey. Normally only family calls me Rowdy, Bop, and Cobra. Hey. Normally only family calls me Rowdy. Fun fact incoming. Okay. Yes, Jess. I will decide. Yep.

I know you guys love a good World War II badass. And who doesn't love a good submarine related fact? Well. In World War II, while being led by Commander Eugene B. Fluky. What? Eugene B. Fluky. What? Eugene B. Fluky. The USS Barb sunk 17 enemy vessels. I normally don't fact check, but this sounds like bullshit.

Everything he's said so far. Is that short for Barbara? Yeah, do they normally shorten names for submarines? The USS Barbara. So sunk 17 enemy vessels totaling 96,628 tons, including the Japanese aircraft carrier Unyo. The Barb's list of accomplishments also contain rescuing 14 Australian and British prisoner of war survivors.

On her 12th and final patrol, she landed a party of carefully selected crew members who stormed onto Japanese soil and rigged a bridge with train tracks to explode. Okay. And rigged a bridge with train tracks to explode. Explosive train tracks. I thought they rigged the bridge with train tracks. I'm like, this will get them. This is going to confuse them.

Those train tracks weren't there before. Hey, this is going to confuse us. Those train tracks weren't there before. When the train finally came, it was edging, Captain Fluky detonated the charges, successfully destroying the train. The USS Barb remains the first and only submarine to successfully sink a train in World War II. That's pretty, I mean, I can't say, but... I mean, it's grim as well, but I'd love to hear from Jess if...

That is pretty fun. And I confirm it's grim. Finishes by saying, huge shout out to my brother, Jerry, for introducing me to the pod. Love ya, ya big cunt. Cheers. Jerry!

I don't read him till I read him. I can't be in control of that. Oh, come on. I i mean he said jerry oh yeah because that's my nickname jerry jerry is the big c the big c the big c uh sorry about that jerry i'm not uh can we bleep that in the edit who have the editing all right uh william neeson gives us the final one liam neeson liam will liam neeson oh yeah william neeson i literally only put this together the other day that liam is a shortening of william because liam neeson's name is william i only put this together right now i know liam wow i love the name liam william isn that funny? Because it makes way more sense than so many shortenings.

Exactly. This also came up in my life in the last couple of weeks. Yeah. Was it from looking up Liam Neeson because he was in Dairy Girls Season 3? He was in Dairy Girls. Oh, I got to watch that. I love that show. So, William Neeson, a.k.a. Senior VP of Filling This Slot So I Can Finish This finish this survey has offered a i love that you're

calling the survey uh william is offering us a fact as well writing hello matt jess and dave a lot more formal uh than angelo was hello matt jess and dave hope you're all well thought i'd reach out now because you recently mentioned my hometown of Minnetonka, Minnesota. Yes, I love it. I'm obsessed with that. My fun fact can be that Minnesota has lots of towns that begin with mine, because in the native Sioux language, that means water. Minneapolis means sky blue waters and Minnetonka means big waters.

There are more, Minnetrista, Minnewashta, et cetera. But the point is made. Hope your North American tour can include Minnesota or Minneapolis. No, which is the state? Minnesota. He's just written MN. Right. I mean, don't trust me with that.

Don't you dare trust us with that. Because I think that one confused me more than any other. I have to say in my head, Minnesota or Minneapolis? No, Minnesota is the same as Minneapolis. It is in fact called the jewel of the Midwest for a reason. Don't know what that reason is. Thanks for everything that you guys do. William Neeson, thank you so much.

Thank you so much. William Neeson. I'm looking up Minnetonka because I'm just absolutely in love with it. But it says it's the home of Cargill, the country's largest, the United States' largest privately owned company. Oh. What? In terms of revenue. Wow.

Bigger than Trump Tower? Even bigger. If it were a public company, it would rank, as of 2015, number 15 on the Fortune 500. Bloody hell. That's big, I suppose. It is big, I suppose. Not that I understand. Then, I'm reading from Wikipedia.

Google? But, I mean, are a lot of those companies just offshore to avoid tax? Well, no, they're public companies. We can buy shares. I see what you're saying. When you said public, I'm like, how big are their publicly owned things over there? But, yeah, they're public companies. We can buy shares. I see what you're saying. When you said public, I'm like, how big are their publicly owned things over there? Jeez, how big is their PTV?

I'm also looking up New York wait online and Grammophobia comes up with, why do New Yorkers stand quote online? You are correct, sir. Thank you. Why would you look that up and validate what you're saying? I really appreciate that you looked that up. I'm doing it because we're going to get lots of people.

We still are because it's been like 20 minutes. They've already tweeted and now they're going to hear this and be like, oh, well, I've already tweeted it. Yes, I hope you reply to your tweet with an apology. And I will say accepted. And I will say not accepted. Okay. Thank you so much for those fat quota questions uh we yeah we love these uh so if you want to get involved the sydney schoenberg

level is where you want to head to uh the next thing we like to do is shout out to a few of our other great supporters who are on the uh ass prod level or above or above and uh yeah so normally jess comes up with a game based on the topic what are you thinking this week papa it's a tough one on an episode like this isn't it i can't think of uh any other jokes or riffs we had throughout yeah i guess we had reptiles and birds we could give them one of those could give them a reptile or a bird yeah we could give them one of those. Could give them a reptile or a bird. Yeah. We could give them a new orifice. A new orifice? Yeah. Give them all cloacas?

Do you think we've got nine new orifices in us? No, I don't think we do. We could give them a sex move. Okay. Like the cloaca kiss. Yeah, that's brilliant. That's fantastic. But we do not, and I'm saying, we do not need to explain what it is. Yeah, that's fantastic. Okay. Like the cloaca kiss. Yeah, that's brilliant. That's fantastic. But we do not, and I'm saying, we do not need to explain what it is.

Yeah, that's fantastic. Okay. So you just say the name of it. Say the name of it. Rest is imagination. That's right. That's fantastic. Hey, before we get into that, these Patreon people,

they are on the list of people that will receive a Do Go On Christmas card this year. If you sign up to our Patreon at that level or above, the shout out level or above you can also be on that list but you have to do it by the end of this month which there's only a few days left yeah we encourage you to get involved at patreon.com so do go on pod if you want us to send you a christmas card anywhere in the world we're getting onto it early this year so hopefully most places in the world will get it before christmas No guarantees. Yeah. But most of you will get it sometime pending your local postage service. Yeah.

If your local person is a prick who steals mail, that's not our fault. Yeah, a Newman type. Yeah. Waiting online somewhere. So if I may kick us off, I'd love to thank from Hawker in the Australian Capital Territory, it's Claire O'Leary. The Bleary O'Leary. Oh, the Bleary O'Leary.

I mean, I know we can't ask about it, but we can imagine about it. Wow. Jess can't control our thoughts. Can't do it. Not yet. You can do anything up here. The Bleary O'Leary. I'd love to also thank from Brompton in South Australia,

Emma Pringle. Oh, that's a good name. Or The Can. Oh, The Can. I love it. Once you pop, you can't stop. I was going to do some sort of pop, you can't stop, but The Can is good.

But I think both are true. Yeah. When you're doing The Can, once you pop, you can't stop. That's all you're doing forever from now on, The Can. Wow. It's that good. It's life-changing. I love both. Claire O'Leary, Emma Pringle, fantastic names

From Narre Warren South in Victoria Jeez, it's all been Aussie so far I'd love to thank Catherine Catherine The ring-a-ding-dinger Ooh, one of my personal faves Really? No

Oh, okay Sorry Catherine, just didn't mean that about you One of my personal faves. Really? No. Oh, okay. Sorry, Catherine. Just didn't mean that about you. No, not about you. She wasn't saying you're not one of her favourites, I don't think. Again, not yuck and a yum. Yeah, that's right.

May I also thank some people? That would make my heart sing. I would love to thank, from location unknown, so we can only assume deep within the fortress of the moles, Laura Robinson. Oh, here of the moles, Laura Robinson. Oh, here's to you, Laura Robinson. What about the lemon head? The lemon head. Hey.

That's good stuff. You do you. Yep. A little sour, but effective. It is effective. Sour, but tasty. I would also love to thank from Parma in Ohio. Oh, God's country itself.

Carl Dedenbach. Oh, the back to front. Oh, yeah, the back to front. Back spelled B-A-C-H, like Dedenbach. Yeah, the bark to front. The bark to front. The bark to front. Would you like to do the bark to front?

Of course. It's really beautiful. And finally, for me, I would love to thank From Flitwick in Great Britain. Oh, hello from Flitwick. Hello. Come on down to Flitwick. Oh, run the Flitwick fish and chippies shop. Come and get some chippies.

You want a chip butty? Come on down to Flitwick. And that is a spot on impression of Lindsay Olds. Oh, yeah, Dave. What's the Lindsay Olds manoeuvre? What about the fish and or chip? You be the fish, I'll be the chip. Or the other way around.

Seagulls invited. It's fun for the whole everyone. Since they're family, that's weird. It is weird, but it's fun for all consenting adults involved. Exactly. However many that is, that's up to you. Hey, I would like to thank our staying... No, we're not staying.

We're staying in a UK standing place. I saw London, then I saw it. It is also from Ohio. London, Ohio. Man, I love how Ohio has gotten behind this podcast. I loved Ohio anyway. It does feel like an inordinate amount of people from that state, right? We appreciate your support so much.

It might be that thing. There's a certain psychological thing. Genesec law? A certain genesec law. Where if you're looking for something or you are conscious of it, then you'll see it everywhere. But yeah, I do. Man, I love Ohioans.

Yeah. And this one we love particularly is Jessica Peters. The J-Pace. The J-Pace scoop and sprinkle. Oh. My imagination is running wild. I'm thinking Peter's ice cream. Sure.

But the scoop makes me actually think of like scoop and dog shit. Oh. In my head, it was scoop makes me actually think of like scooping dog shit. In my head it was scooping ice cream and hundreds and thousands on top. That sounds messy, but delicious. Special occasions. Yeah, we'll put a mat down. Bringing things back home now from Croydon here in Victoria, Montana Donato. That's a good name. That is a freaking good name.

Man, that made my brain feel nice. Say it again. Montana Donato. Oh, that is nice. The Donato Potato. Oh. It's for when you feel a little lazy. Yeah.

A little less moving. Rolling into a bowl. I mean, potentially. I'm just not explaining it. That's what I'm picturing. That's what I'm picturing. Thanks, Montana Donato. Fantastic.

And finally, I would like to thank from Suffolk, from Bury St Edmunds in Great Britain. In Suffolk. Suffolk. And we should remind people that Matt and I are about to head over to the UK for two and a half weeks. From November 8th to November 20th, you can see us in Glasgow, Leeds, Manchester, Bristol, Birmingham, and London.

And this is a loving impersonation, a loving spot on impersonation. I wonder if we'll be visiting in Bury St. Edmunds, Nell Hall. Nell Hall. What a great name. Yeah, Bury St. Edmunds. There's got to be something with Bury. Bury St. Edmunds, Nell Hall. Nell Hall. What a great name. Yeah, Bury St. Edmunds. There's got to be something with Bury. Bury St. Edmunds. The saint up to its neck.

The saint up to its neck? Yeah. Bury deep. The saint up to its neck so sexy is that like in playboy's top 20 sex moves the berries

saint up no it's just saint up to its neck I love it saint up to its neck hey baby do you want to come over for a I know it sounds bad but it's so good.

It's the Sutton. We're doing a Sutton saying up to its neck. Thank you so much to Nell, Montana, Jessica, Lindsay, Carl, Laura, Catherine, Emma, and Claire. And the last thing we like to do on the show is welcome a few people into the Triptych club bit of theater of the mind here we've set up a club that you get life membership to if you are on the shout out level or above for three straight years and in this club you've got access

all areas jess what will just describe how you see this club i I view it as a cool airport lounge. So there's a bar, there's food, there's plenty of, there's a variety of seating options, couches, more straight up seats for eating, and then also some even more loungy ones. Yes. We've got beanbags, we've got everything you could possibly want. At the back, there are beautiful state-of-the-art bathrooms, showers.

You know, like just totally freshen up, enjoy these little sleeping pods. We've got a dance floor. We've got everything you could possibly want. There's no VIP area. It's all VIP area. It's all VIP. Because everyone in there is a VIP. Correct.

Very important. Perkins. Official. It's official, isn't it? Does everyone get like a little badge saying that or something? In the Perkins. Official. It's official, isn't it? Does everyone get like a little badge saying that or something? In the Perkins family? No. You just know.

They've got an aura. Perkinses? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I meant people entering the club, but sure, sure, sure. But I had just said very important Perkins, and then you said, oh, it's official. Do people get a badge? So how did you change back to...

Anyway, so there's food and drink options. This time I am serving everything in glass duck vaginas. Oh, fantastic. Pretty cool. That is so beautiful and classy. Really classy. Are we using, like, corkscrew straws? Yes, absolutely, yeah.

So you can get your drink. You can get right in there. Get right in there. Get the bottom bits. Did you know, I saw this on Twitter this week, that in America they think of wine bottles that don't have a cork as being shitty cheap wines. I'm like, but nearly all wines have screw tops,

but that's only in Australia apparently. It's like a sign of it being a crappy wine over there. Feels like they're from the past. That's how people used to talk 20 years ago here. I love being ahead of America. Feels good. Yeah, they wait on line, they drink corks. You battle with a corkscrew to get to your wine.

Just crack that lid, baby. It's easy. All right. So are we ready to induct? We've also got a musician dropping by. Oh, of course. Sorry. None other.

Performing on this very stage tonight. What's he got? One of my favorite artists. It is none other than Craig David is dropping by. Craig David. The Craig David. Get the fuck out. He's walking away from his other life he's hitting the stage what's his flavor tell me what's his flavor what a guy he's around

our age i think he's about he's only about 40 now i believe let me see i thought he was he's 41 but his first album came out in the year 2000. Jesus Christ. So he was very young. Wow. And his album, Born To Do It. Oh, yeah. Seems appropriate. That's hot. That is very sexy.

That is hot. That is hot. All right. All right, are we ready? Yep. So the way it works is I'm standing at the door. I read out the names. They're welcomed in.

Dave's on stage emceeing. He's pumping it up. He's pumping you up. He's ready to do it. he was born to do it and my memory can't ever go back to 13 seconds uh and so he's gonna hype you up once you enter and jess is hyping dave up because he needs a little bit of a zhuzh which is what i call when i squeeze dave's butt in a supportive manner nothing creepy yeah inflate it all right firstly from from Glenroy in Victoria, please welcome in Beck Taylor. Check, please.

More like Beck, please. From Toronto in Canada, it's Emma Hargrave. Oh, Toronto. I was trying to do it. Oh, no, you didn't. No, Toronto, you didn't. There it is. It's Emma Hargrave.

Yes, yes, yes. This is also a workshop. Woo! I just said that Oh Toronto You did it See if I'd done that Yeah you did Which you did

Eventually you got there Yes Oh Toronto you did it Emma Hargraves From Rosebud in Victoria Australia It's Ashling Mar

Marone It's Ashlich Marone More like Cashling Marone Am I right Dollar bills Yeah money guns going off From Dronefield

In Great Britain It's Chris Wig Chris Wig, here he is More like Chris Big Big guy Mr Wig beats the big Big energy Also from Rosebud in Victoria

Somehow it's again it's Aisling Marone what have I done more like Aisling Marone woo my system is flawless is there a possibility it's a different Aisling Marone from Rosebud

no I've mucked that up I'm pretty sure no you haven't could be two Aisling Monroe's and finally please welcome in from oak creek in i reckon wisconsin in the united states edie coon edie coon i was feeling needy coon but now i've got edie coon yes you're all i needy you're all on Edie. Welcome in Edie, Chris, Aisling, Emma and Beck. Make yourselves at home. Grab one of our multiple chairs. So many.

Grab it. Grab it. It's yours. Take a seat. Oh, we can take your chair home with you. You can't leave. You can't leave. But if you could, you could.

We can take your chair home with you to your new home, which is the bathroom. Just find a spot in the bathroom. Yeah, just be careful of the stools in the corners. Oh, my God. You will break a toe. Third largest. Second favorite. That brings us to the end of the episode.

Jess, what do we need to tell people before we go? That, if they would like to suggest a topic, they can do so at dogoonpod.com. That is our website. That's where you'll also find merch, information about live shows. You can look at all our previous episodes and... Look at them.

Look at them. Just look at them there. Wow, there's a list. There's heaps of them. And, yeah, you can suggest a topic. You can find us at DiggleOnPod across all social media. And we love you. And remember to wash your butt.

And, Dave, boot this baby home. Hey, we'll be back next week with another blockbuster No Blow Vemba special. But until then, I'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye. No Blow Vemba sounds like you're taking the month off. Bye. Bye.

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