Do Go On - 382 - The Frederick Escape: The Ship that Never Was

Episode Date: February 15, 2023

The Macquarie Harbour Penal Station was known as an inescapable hell on earth, but on the eve of its closure a group of 10 men had an audacious plan to flee not only the penal colony, but the British Empire entirely. This is a wild story, enjoy!This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 03:28 and ends around 01:58 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodLive show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/ Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/Our merch: https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/ Check out our AACTA nominated web series: http://bit.ly/DGOWebSeries​   Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present.  REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:The Ship That Never Was by Adam Courtenayhttps://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/archived/hindsight/james-porter-and-the-capture-of-the-frederick/3159086#transcripthttps://realhistory.co/2022/07/27/macquarie-harbour-penal-station/https://www.ourtasmania.com.au/northwest/sarah-isld.htmlhttps://www.utas.edu.au/library/companion_to_tasmanian_history/L/Langerrareroune.htmhttps://tasmaniantimes.com/2020/07/macquarie-harbour-penal-station-history/https://www.strahanvillage.com.au/blog/the-original-people-of-tasmania-s-west-coasthttps://eprints.utas.edu.au/220/2/02Whole.pdfhttps://www.utas.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0006/1341438/The-Wonder-Weekly-June-22.pdf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Doogone. My name is Dave Warnke and as always.

I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. I was holding my breath that whole time. Wow. I should have kept it going. I could have made you pass out. And that is my goal. Is it really? I'd love to say how good is it to be alive?

It's so good to be here, Jess, with you holding your breath, Dave, with you breathing in and out. Yeah, well, you, before I talk, I always do this. Like I'm going to never breathe again. It's a brutal thing to have to edit out, but we do it. You never know when your last breath will be. You've got to just enjoy each breath. Oh my gosh. Now I'm thinking about it too much now.

Yeah. Like blinking and swallow. Oh, God. Yeah. There's so many things our body's doing it all the time. If I think about it, my heart will stop. But it won't, though. Isn't that crazy?

It's ridiculous. And even if it just wants a little one minute break, that's not good. No. It should be allowed a little rest every now and then. Yeah, we should give our organs annual leave. Sub in, some sort of temp comes in. It doesn't do quite as good a job, it still keeps the ship running.

Different liver for just a week here or there, my liver's in Turkey or something. But you'd take advantage. Oh, yeah, yeah. You'd ruin that temp. Hey, should I explain how this show works? Please do. Well, one of the three of us, Jess, Matt and Dave,

we take it in turns researching a topic, usually suggested by our listeners. We bring it back to the other two. We tell them all about it. they listen politely and don't interrupt and we are in and out in a really short, efficient amount of time. And we usually get onto the topic with a question. It is Matt's turn this week. Matt, do you have a question for us?

I do have a question. It's a broad question very broadly about the topic. The question is, what is, and I think you will know this straight away. So if you want the point, you want to just jump right in. I do need the point. What is Australia's small state in the world? It's 26th largest island. Tasmania.

Correct. Oh, I was going to say. Western Australia. Yes. The big boy. I thought there's going to be some sort of technicality. Where big and small. That's why I let him finish the whole sentence because I was like, is this, is it a trick?

So are you doing a report on Tasmania? Please, that would be so great. And they need it. God, you know, they've got little man syndrome. Well, they often get left off the map, the poor guys. That's true. Yeah, not right. It's not right.

beautiful, beautiful state. I love it. Beautiful spot. So it's the last one I haven't been to. All the States and Territories. I'm saving the best for last. We got to go down there to do a show. I'd love to. So it's not a report about Tasmania, but it's about an event that happened in Tasmania, set in Tasmania. Okay. Tasmanian born and bread. And this was voted on by the Patriots. I gave them, I, because I noticed we hadn't done an Australian or New Zealand topic for maybe nine, ten months or something.

Oh, wow. So I put up four options for that and this is the one they picked. Cool. And this week's topic was suggested by Jack Seller in Sydney, Australia, as well as Calam J. Burgess Wiley from Huddersfield in West Yorkshire and Daniel English, also from Sydney. So according to Alexander Hamer, writing for real history, in 1822, the government of New South Wales established a new penal settlement far to the south in Van Demosland or Tatar. Tasmania as it's now called. Did you know that, Dave? It used to be Van Demon's Land.

It's a great name. It is pretty cool. I do love it. Yeah. I don't know if I would have changed it. Van Demon. Pretty sick. Tasmania. Tazmania. Tasmania is also pretty good. Yeah, that's true. For 11 years, the British colonial government operated one of the most vicious institutions in Australian history. A far-flung outpost on the edge of the world that to the convicts who were sent there became known as Pluto's land after the ancient Greek god that ruled. the underworld. This place was the Macquarie Harbour Penal Station. Why, Pluto's land. Penal Station. I mean, I just got to call it a penal station, because that sounds painful. Yeah. A penal state. Like, if you went to the doctor and said,

I've got a penal station. Yeah. They're saying, what are you doing? You need to get an emergency run. Yeah, we need to. I'm calling an ambulance. In my Van Demons land, if you know what I mean. And the doctor's like, sort of. I mean, I've studied a lot of things. I'm going to have to Google that. I feel like you're using a lot of slang when I really need you to be very specific here. You're really dancing around the subject. Quite anatomically correct is what I need. My Tasman isn't so Able if you know what I mean.

Wink, wink, wink. No, again, I stop winking at me. Tell me just in plain medical anatomically correct English, what is going on with you? At that point, I'm just dropping my pants and pointing. Okay. Abel Tasman, he's, who was he? Was he like a Dutch explorer or something? Yeah, and that's who Tasmania is named after, right?

Yeah, I believe so. That's why it's called Abelmania. God, they missed the trick there. That's so much better. Sorry, Tasmania. So with all the brutality of this penal station, you'd assume that the prisoners were the worst of the worst, but this wasn't the case.

According to Hamer, people convicted of the worst crime, such as murder or rape, was simply sent straight to the gallows. The convicts who were sent there were mainly those who had re-offended whilst already serving sentences. According to historian Hamish Maxwell Stewart, convicts were sent to Macquarie Harbour for a wide range of reasons. About half had been sentenced to secondary transportation for theft, robbery, fraud, or receiving,

all committed while serving their original sentences in Tasmania. Nearly 30% were absconders, apprehended as far away as Bombay, Mauritius and Britain. So as people who'd been sent there possibly for a smallish thing, or something and then committed another crime. So then they go, all right, you're going to an even worse prison. Right. So it's a punishment for re-offending whilst inside. Yes, so it's a more brutal place to be held, but also, you know, it's isolated.

I reckon they should do it the other way around. And the more you offend, the nicer the prisons should get. Okay. Dangle little carrot in front of them. No, I don't think so, because I think plenty of people would still want to get out of prison. But for those who just can't seem to stop crime At least that, you know, they can get a little bit of TV time Yeah

Know what I mean? Right. A nicer yard. They add a few foxtail channels each time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just for a bit of variety. There's still people. You know what I mean?

You think of criminals as people? I think of them, yeah. Some of them. Wow. Some. Really some. What are the other ones? What do you think of them?

Dogs. Yeah. And you love dogs. I mean that literally the dogs that have committed crimes. Oh, yes. Where are there any dogs in Macquarie for their crimes? I assume so, yeah. Shitting on the prime minister's law.

Because you've got, you've got like those police sniffed dogs. Yes. You assume that you'd also have, you know, the criminal dogs. That's right. Yeah. Well, who do you think those dogs are going after? Yeah. Dogs are just the same as people.

Dogs are doctor dogs. Yeah. Criminal dogs. Criminal dogs. Teacher, you've got all the dogs. Yeah. Who do you think teachers dogs? Yeah.

Come on, people. Who do you think delivers dogs mail? Yeah. The male dog, obviously. According to our Tasmania, the isolated land was ideally suited for its purpose. It was separated from the mainland by treacherous seas, surrounded by a mountainous wilderness, and was hundreds of miles away from the colony's other settled areas. The only seawood axis was through a treacherous narrow channel known as Hell's Gates.

Oh, God. That's terrifying. It's like Alcatraz, but big, right? Yeah, yeah. Design specifically. to hell's criminals. Yes. Wow.

The convicts who were sent there took the name Hell's Gates to mean they were arriving in hell on earth. But the name actually came earlier from sailors who tried to navigate the Rocky Channel. It was just a brutal, tiny little gap, very shallow, so just very difficult to sail through. So that's why I got the name. Right, but it could have been called anything. They could have just called it like shallow gap. They're like, wow, we're arriving at the shallow gap. Sorry, Doctor, I need you to have a look at my shallow gap.

Can I tell you my, like, dream prison of where I'd like to be locked out? I'd love to hear where this is going. I would love it to be in a pretty highly populated area, like a suburb, but close to a trail or something. And instead of really big fences with barbed wire on top, it just has those, like, pool gates. Not everybody can figure those out. Yeah, yeah. But I know how to work them. Yeah.

And pretty low security. Okay. And I would just wander out. Kind of like, maybe like Pentridge is now. Yeah. Yeah, there's still big, big walls, though. Yeah, but there's big gaps in the walls there. Yeah, doors.

Yeah, you're right. Automatic doors. Yeah, okay, I guess that'll do. The old Pentridge. Is that close to a tram? Jail is very close to it. Yeah, very close to a tram. I feel like you just described your apartment block.

Oh my God, true. And the gate, people can't figure out the gates. Yeah. Huh. Maybe that could be your jail. Wow. If you start thinking about it. That's really all in the mind.

Huh. Yeah. My home is a prison. Yeah. Huh. Okay. Problem solved. I just thought that would be a fun hypothetical we could all enjoy, but... No, I don't want to hear it.

No, my hypothetical question is a room with five microphones, some soundproofing on the wall, very bright light above our heads. Yeah, what about aircon? Does it go working aircon? No, I hate aircon. I like it hot, and I like two of my best friends. Okay. Yeah, that does sound like hell.

So describing Hells Gates, Hamer writes, the channel is incredibly shallow with a depth of just nine feet and could only be navigated at high tide because at other times a rapid current surge through the gap, threatening to smash any unprepared vessels on the rocks. And that happened many times. Vessels had to be unloaded, guided into the harbour by a dedicated pilot while their cargo was carried overland and then reloaded before docking at Sarah Island. So it doesn't feel worth it So they're going to another island off the island? Oh no, that's Sarah Island is the island inside the... Oh yeah, off Tasmania, yes. Whoa. That's right.

So it's isolated, isolated. And it's off the West Coast, which is, you know, very rugged. Yep. So, yeah, very difficult to get to. Yeah, the only way via ship is through the hell's gates. That's for the colonists who, you know, are allowed to be on ships and stuff. So escaping for the convicts would be a whole... other story. According to our Tasmania, the surveyor who mapped Sarah Island concluded that the

chances of escape were next to impossible. They're only two ways out, I guess, you know, with great skills sailing through Hell's Gates or heading over the main island, Van Demonsland. But even if they were able to get there, they would be met with some of Australia's harshest conditions and toughest terrain. Firstly, you have the mountain ranges, as Hamer describes. They're typified by jagged cliffs, deep ravines and gorges, fast-flowing rivers, high rainfall, and an ecology defined by huge swathes of temperate rainforest. The terrain is so rugged that it was not properly mapped until the 1980s, which blew my mind. That is. Oh. And previous surveys such as that conducted by Thomas Scott in 1824 simply depict the harbour as surrounded by blank space.

He's like, I'll fill that in later. Yeah, yeah. Wow. There's really detailed around the water and the harbour and then just like, you know, and then land, etc. Yeah. But that, I mean, in some ways the prisons might see that and go, oh, it could be anything. Could be paradise out there. Yeah, that's true. Take my chance. That could be pool gates.

Yeah, he should have, like, just drawn, like, minefield. Yeah, yeah. Ghosts. Zombie. Yeah. Oh, you get wet feet out there. That's awful. Oh, yeah, I had wet socks.

It's a bloody worse. A nightmare. I'd stay in prison if I were years. Yeah. It's great here if you think about it. Yeah, look at those nice dry socks you got on. You're welcome. Oh man, how good a dry socks in the wet?

Well, the best. It wasn't just the terrain that was daunting, however. The climate was also downright hostile as Hamer continues. The coastline is frequently assailed by cold fronts, powerful storms and vicious winds. In fact, the cold winds were so strong and so persistent that the overseers of the penal station were forced to construct a series of elaborate windbreak defenses, including a barrier wall two feet thick and 26 feet or eight meters high. That's really tall.

I think, I mean, they got the convicts to clear the land as well. It was a dense forest on what is now called Sarah Island. I'm sure it feels like they've cleared all the trees and then they're like, huh, now it's real windy now. Better build a wall. Out of these, this wood material. Yeah. Any of these stories about Australia's convict history, there's always the very grim backdrop of how the Indigenous Australians were being treated at the time.

And it also makes you think, you're like, oh, these conditions so tough, people were struggling to survive. But of course, people had been living there for quite a while before that. According to the Strahan Village website, which is the local council there, Tasmanian Aboriginal people have been part of this land, this section of land in Tasmania, for more than 35,000 years. Sometime during the last Ice Age, Aboriginal tribes crossed the land bridge spanning Bass Strait, becoming the most southerly dwelling humans on Earth. Wow.

When the glaciers retreated and sea levels rose around 12,000 years ago, Tasmanian Aboriginal people became isolated from the mainland, developing a rich culture unlike any other on the planet. Europeans came and sort of fucked out all up. You don't say? Yeah. Who'd have guessed? And then went, huh, impossible to live here.

Impossible. You can't possibly do it. Nobody could. Baffling, isn't it? There was something, and I kind of want, maybe, I don't know if it might be too full on or not for a future episode, but I'd never heard about it before, but the Black War happened in Tasmania was the British colonists versus the Aboriginal Tasmanians. Huh.

And it lasted for over a decade. I'm just touching on that, because it feels like, you know, whenever you're talking about a convict story, that is obviously just happening alongside it. For sure. It's just, Indigenous Australians being treated brutally. And yeah, we're hearing from the colonizers' perspective of this land. so you couldn't live here. Yeah, yeah.

You couldn't possibly. So cold and difficult. And the Indigenous Australian's like, hello. Yeah. Here we are. They're like, well, yeah. We lived here for quite some time. Anyway, back to this story about convicts.

According to Hamer, it rained so much that when the convicts on Sarah Island attempted to establish crops in the optimistically named Farm Cove, their efforts came to nought. The ground was simply too wet and the soil too poor. The only food the residents on the penal station could grow themselves were some potatoes and turnips on another island, a semi-sheltered Phillips Island. Oh, they'd call it potato island. But this was nowhere near enough to feed the entire population.

It only fed Philip? Phillips potato island. We've got enough for Phillips dinner tonight. And then I don't know what we'll do. Honestly, I hope another potato grows by tomorrow. Otherwise, Phillips in trouble. This is Philip speaking. Philip only likes potato.

So there was nowhere near enough food to feed the entire population, and malnutrition was rife, as were diseases such as scurvy and dysentery. And that had to ship in food. Basically, they weren't self-sustaining at the penal station. Dysentery sounds like the worst. Yeah. It is one of those words that sounds super bad.

isn't it? Yeah. Like even... Hmm. Yeah. No, it's not sure that's onomatopoeia, but it feels close. It feels like it. I don't even really know what it is.

Oh, it's essentially diarrhea. Okay. Like a lot. But you just shoot yourself to death, pretty much. Okay. Yeah. It's real bad. It comes up again later.

Scurvy doesn't seem nice either. No, but that one's just solved by having a lemon. Yeah, have a lemon. Get some citrus in you. What kind of... Put down the potato, Philip. Yeah. Try an orange.

All right. Okay. Oh. Too wet to grow citrus, is it? Philip. I've had about enough of you, I've had about enough of you. All you're doing is bringing me problems.

You're not even trying with solutions. Philip. Okay, all right. I don't want to have to have this discussion again, Philip. Young man. According to Calam J. Jones, writing for the Tasmania Times, living conditions were particularly bad in the early years of the prison. The communal barracks were so crowded that convicts were not able to sleep on their backs.

What? You had to like spoon. He had to go side to side. Yeah, it was just like a big group spoon. I'm okay with that. I like side sleeping too. Yeah, sit on my side. Although apparently I go to sleep on my side and within minutes I'm on my back.

Oh. Going. I'm actually kind of a front sort of sleeper actually. Okay. So I wondered if I'd be okay. Yeah. But I would be hugging the inmate next to me. Well, I don't think you would, it's not possible to sleep on your front or back because there's just no room.

And you'd be, you know, I'd just be this sort of. like human centipede of spooning. Human spoonopede. Wow. It's a beautiful image, isn't it? If you've got to get up to take a piss. Yeah. That's hard.

You got to get everyone has to get up to take a piss. Everyone has to get up. So all at all, life in the penal colony was hell. And that's before you consider the backbreaking labor they were forced to do. According to our Tasmania, convicts were employed in the shipbuilding industry. For a short period, it was the largest shipbuilding operation in the Australian colonies. Chain convicts had the task of cutting down Hew and Pine Trees and rafting the logs down the river. Eventually, the heavily forested island was cleared by the convicts.

We talked about the Hugh and Pine in the Matthew Brady episode with Andy Matthews. That's right. He was talking about it was like this miracle wood that basically was rot-proof. So it was so good for shipbuilding and stuff. Also very good as a tree, you know, just to stay in the ground. But what about like bowls or other kind of homeware? A table, for example? be fantastic for a coffee table.

Okay. And I don't know if you know this, but Matthew Brady, he was also at this penal colony. Right, yes. I thought this was sounding very familiar, but I didn't recognize the name of the penal colonel. I don't, I can't remember, I don't think Andy went into. I recovered that very well. I hope Andy didn't go into too much details about the penal colony.

So that would be annoying for people who have just listened to an episode. but surely one of us would have had a bell rung by now. Yeah, but I remember him talking about like how rugged this part of Tazzi was and yeah, and the Hew and Pine. And the Hewn Pine. I remember that. That's the bit, I remember. That stuck with me.

So the work was really hard, but according to Haymer, to make matters worse, this hard labour had to be done without food. As giving the convict something to eat while on the mainland was seen as creating an unacceptable risk of absconding. Oh, okay. Attempts to smuggle even the smallest morsel of food off Sarah Island was severely punished. James Robinson was sentenced to 100 lashes and six months in the chain gang for being caught with cooking fat in his possession. Yeah.

Nah, that seems fair. Because he could just nibble on that cooking fat and get energy and abscond. Yeah. So, nah, 100 lashes. Suck down this fat. That makes a lot of sense to me. I think that is a very reasonable punishment. He could just be nibbling at cooking fat.

Yeah, you know. Which is obviously delicious. Growing stronger and stronger. Stronger. And it makes really fast as well. Really fast. Yeah. He could like run home to England.

That's basically like being in Mario Brothers and having one of the stars. Yeah. It's the same thing. That's cooking fat. That's what that star is based on. It's cooking fat. So, no, that one actually, makes heaps of sense to me.

Jonathan Smith was sent to the chain gang and given 50 lashes for trying to smuggle a biscuit into a gang boat. 50 lashes for a bickie. But obviously, imagine if you had the whole packet. On that scale, cooking fat is twice as bad as a bicky. Makes you think. Doesn't it? Yeah, well, I mean, as we've just said, cooking fat is a, that's a magical food.

A bickie's just a bicky. Biggie's like a mushroom in. Yeah, it makes you bigger, but you could still get hurt. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. That's beautiful. It's no star or cooking fat. No.

But if you get a couple of bickie, suddenly you can shoot fireballs. That's right. Again, imagine if you had a whole packet and not like a stingy Tim Tamp packet where you get like eight of them. Seven, prime number. You know? Imagine if you had like a dozen. Yeah, yeah. You'd be dead.

Yeah. Probably like Tim Tams used to be, I assume. Yeah, back in the day. Yeah, where they came in a box of 200. The good old days. When I was a kid, you'd get a packet of Tim Tams and never run out. So it wasn't just trying to eat that got you in trouble. It seems like most things would lead to the whip.

I don't think they had anything else. Yeah, well, not being whipped, that's a whippable offense. Some of the reasons convict cop the whip include committing a nuisance. That was 25 lashes. Jesus Christ, I'd be lashed every day. 25. And so vague as well. Being a nuisance.

use it for whatever they wanted. My God, every school report had that exact word on it. Committing a nuisance. Committing a nuisance. Losing your shirt, 50 lashes. Dave? Losing your shirt. What's the problem?

I'd lost it. It also makes the whipping a lot worse too, doesn't it? Oh, no. Stealing plums and tea, a hundred lashes. Oh, okay. That was specifically Lieutenant John Cunct. Huthbertson's plum and tea. He stole my plums.

Oh, me plums. Oh, me plums and tea. Oh, me plums. 100 lashes for you, son. I loves me plums. What's the, I'm waiting to see how many hundred do you get for losing your pants. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's not even mentioned.

I think that might just be unlimited. A thousand. You die. Yeah. I mean, how many before you honestly die? Yeah. I don't, I can't be that many more. It's a super, it's the cat and iron tails.

You've heard of that, it's that multi-whip whip whip. Awful. And the one they used here was a specific one that had little bits of metal on the end. Yeah. Of each of the nine whips on the big whip. So Cuthbertson was the commandant. Am I saying that right? Yes.

Dave, you talk a little French now? We? Maybe you've had two French lessons. That's right, too. It looks like it would be commandant, but I've never heard anyone say. Say that. I've heard people say something like commandant. Okay. Let's go with that then. I want to say commander.

Okay, say that. Cutherson was the commander of the penal station. I'm the commander of the penal. Again, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my office if you're not just going to tell me what's wrong. Doctor, I'm the commander of the people. Okay. What does that mean? Are you bragging?

Do you need my help? Have you got a new job? Because I've got comedian written on my files here and a little sad face next to it. But doctor, I am. But I am commander penal. So Cuthbertson, it sounds like it was an absolute asshole. When one convict cut off two of his own fingers, the lieutenant charged him with damaging himself

in order to deprive the government of his labour and gave him 50 lashes. So what did he do, sorry? Cut off his own fingers. Cut off two fingers? Potentially. I read it as, I mean, even if he did it on purpose, it's so funny, like, you think pain is going to,

if he did it on purpose, purpose, I don't know if pain is really the thing that's going to discourage him. And if you did it on accident, by accident, then... It's like, yeah, making someone smoke the whole packet of cigarettes. Right, that's it. Cut them all off. No fingers for you. Yeah, great.

See? The only way you'll learn, son. You'll thank me for this one day. Hearing stories like this just makes me... It's the worst of humanity. You know, how we treat... It's fucking crazy. And the power that goes to people's heads.

Oh. Yeah, it's just a little, it's a little slippery slope. Like, we're not that far away from being the worst. All it takes is a badge and a hat. And then you're the worst. And I often wear a hat. I'm one badge away. Describing the lashings, Hamer writes,

The victims were stripped down to the waist and bound, legs splayed, hands over their head. And then they were like, well, you've lost your shirt as well, 50 more. Sorry. At 50. They were then tied to a wooden stand known as the triangle. Beside them lay a long planked gangway.

Cuthbertson personally supervised each flogging. He loved it. Of course he did. He'd walk up and down the gangway and the strokes were time to match his pace. Yark! So he, if he walks slower, they whip slower. If he walks faster, they whip faster. So he's just fully ego.

I'd be like, I'd be playing with the guy who whip in it. and I'd be like real slow and then I'd go like, twinkle, twigoo-took and he'd have to like, oh no, he'd have to whip really quick. Dumb, dum, dum, dum.

Like Mr. Bing conducting these. Yeah, yeah. Sovotion army band. Whip, whip, whip. Whip, whip. Tined with the, wow. And if they get the timing wrong,

does he whip the whipper? Yes. Yeah, yeah, there's a secondary whipper. Nobody really thinks about the whippers, though. So that'd be quite taxing, wouldn't it? And they were other convicts were made to do it. Were they? Oh, that's super gross.

I think that's right. That's fucked. When I said it's the worst of humanity, I mean, God, humanity's done some terrible things. I just mean, like, it turns what you would probably normally consider pretty average people into complete nut of psychopaths. Yeah, you see the scenarios change. Like the prison experiment, and it just made...

It makes you think these people, I mean, obviously horrific stuff still happens around the world, but these people, these kind of people still must walk amongst us. Yeah, people capable of this. Yeah, a certain situation that would... Yeah, I think statistically it's one in three. So, one in three would be a Cuthbert. Well, I've got great rhythm, so. And I think you'd find that, like, the majority of that personality now would be accountants.

I haven't had to dig it at accounts for a while. Accountants and people who spend a lot of time on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so he's just, he's walking up and down. And apparently it was not uncommon for a flogging of 100 lashings to take over an hour to complete. No. So it's not just like awful pain, but it's like drawn out.

And he starts walking in super slow. Yeah. It's also taking him an hour to walk a hundred steps. No I mean? Nobody's making this step count. Yeah. That's embarrassing. Okay.

Knees up. Let's go. I'm a PT in this penal call. I can't see. say colony. And there's penal connolly, I keep going to say. Connolly, yeah. Whatever, don't tweet me if I say it. You know what I mean. So yeah, like I said, they had a specific version of the Cat of Nine Tales. It was called the Macquarie Cat. So it was, there were nine strands of whip cord, each with at least seven knots in them. And then this special one had pieces of metal

added to the knots. Okay. So there's nine times seven. So there's 63. And if you get 100, that's, Yeah. You've been hit 6,000 times. So you've just got, yeah. Like 6,000 different cuts. And it's, and it. What the hell? And it's, it sort of cuts through very quickly.

So supposedly they'd be bleeding into their boots after just a couple of strokes. And then, and 100, from 100, you know, depending on the guy, that could be the end of them. And I'm guessing that after a whipping, they would then, like their wounds would be well tended to. they'd obviously be looked after really nicely and there certainly wouldn't be any risk of infection. Yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, the old Looney Tunes cartoons where the sheep dog and the sheep clock on and off.

Yeah. Cuthbertson, you know, at the end of the day, they shake hands. And away they go. They go off to dinner. They go share-filled potato. No hard feelings, I'll buy you a pint. Yeah, that sort of thing.

Yeah, great. Yeah, oh no, just, hey, they. It's white line fever. Yeah. They leave it all out in the field. We've all got a job to do. Boys are we boys. But all good things must come to an end.

And Cuthbertson drowned in December 1823. Array! I mean, it's not often that we cheer us at death, but there we go. Yeah, he didn't seem like a good one. Was he like, help me, help me. And they're like, nah. Nah. Oh, yeah.

No, I'm sure they, I'm sure they definitely were doing everything possible. That's right. They were lowering the cat and iron tails down to him to fish him out. Grab it. Grab this. Oh, keep hitting you on the head. Do I keep handing you the pointy end? That's so weird.

It's all right. Despite Cuthbertson being out of the way, there was a replacement, and the penal colony continued on and remained a brutal place, leading some inmates to go to extreme lengths to leave. For instance, according to Hamer, in 1827, a group of convicts held in the chain gang on small, Mall Island managed to soar through their irons and murdered one of the constables guarding their quarters. Since the prison island had no power to try capital offences, the convicts were dispatched to Hobart where they were sentenced to hang. This was precisely what they wanted. They preferred to die than endure their hellish existence in Macquarie Harbour any longer. Whoa. The unfortunate constable was merely a means to an end. Wow. It was that bad.

Sorry, Barry, we've got to do this. Yeah. They were probably like, hey, can we just say we killed someone? Yeah. I don't actually want to kill. I want you to get me out of here. It couldn't be a better illustration on how hellish it was. Yeah.

Despite the belief the penal colony was escape proof, a bunch of convicts did try to escape, though most were unsuccessful, either being recaptured or dying in the wilderness. Like I was saying, you know, brutal wilderness. Yeah. They didn't know. They didn't know it. Watched much bear grills. No, they had no idea about it.

They're like, how much of my piss can I drink? I don't know. How do I start a fire? It's a delicate scale. How do I start a fire with this piss? Yeah. It's just some, it's a 22-year-old guy from Liverpool. He's never experienced these conditions.

No. According to our Tasmania, though, there were successful escapes too, including, as we've talked about in the past, Bush Ranger Matthew Brady was part of a successful party that escaped to Hobart in 1824 after time. up their overseer and seizing a boat. James Goodwin was pardoned after his 1828 escape and was subsequently employed to make official surveys of the wilderness he'd passed through.

Wow. That's a great result. That is, you know, that's Sean Connery in the Rock. Bring him back the guy that escaped to show you how he did it. Yeah, yeah. Sarah Island's most infamous escapee was Alexander Pearce, who managed to get away twice. On both occasions, he cannibalized his first.

fellow escapees. Did he tell the second group that's what he did the first time? Yeah, they're like... They're like, what happened to the others? Yeah, that won't happen again though, right? Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, they just died of natural causes. Their bodies are probably still out there.

We'll go visit them. Their delicious bodies are still probably... Whoa. Yeah, I'd never heard of... I've never heard of any of this stuff. That's pretty full on. So, yeah, so twice escaped and ate. Okay.

Yeah. How to go the second time? Was he pardoned? And then they... Yeah, they... Yeah, that's right. He became head chef. Literally. But we're not talking about any of those stories today.

What? Is this preamble? That was all preamble. Love this, okay. Today, we're talking about a different attempt at escape by a group known as the Frederick 10. All named Frederick. Can I come to? No.

No, James. Fuck you, James. Fuck you. Please, but. My middle name's Frederick. No one cares. I've got keys to the boat. You can go right now.

Fuck off. We'd prefer to walk. God, I hope that guy. Right, Frederick? Right. Dave and I are improvbing there. Oh, that's fantastic stuff. By late 1832, then-Governor George Arthur had announced that Macquarie Harbor would be closing down as a penal station.

I think George Arthur sounds like another asshole. A few around. A new prison was set up on the southeast of Van Demons land that Arthur humbly named after himself Port Arthur. Yeah. Right. Arthur saw Macquarie Island as becoming too lenient and escape prone. The Macquarie Harbour Penal Station was slowly closed down

with convicts moved across to Port Arthur bit by bit until only a few remained, building the final ship to be constructed there, the Frederick. Ah, conveniently name? Have you been to Port Arthur many? No, I haven't. Oh, have I? I think I have. I might have been.

Okay. I think I have. I went, but it was like late in the afternoon. We were sort of like the last people they let in for the day. And so it was getting a bit dark and it was too spooky. Oh. It's a lot of really old buildings, like really old and, yeah, I got a bit spooked. Yeah, it's the ruins of this old jail that was built now.

And they, yeah. I think maybe I went there with stupid old for the Australia get it up here. Yeah. Yeah, tavings maybe. Yeah, that's bad that I can't remember. But I'm pretty sure. But we didn't, we didn't have much time there. So it was all a bit whirlwind. So by this stage, Captain Charles Tor was in charge of the prison island, as in Macquarie. Apparently, he wasn't as strict as his predecessors and was often drunk. He was a cool prison boss. Yeah.

You know? Okay. He's like, ah, let's put, let's put on the footy. You know? And as he's whipping people, it's like, I don't want to do this. You made me do this. Yeah. Are we cool?

We're cool, though. We're going to kick the footy after this. Okay, I'm going to put some sags on the barby. All right. I'll go get the sack. Yeah, I'll put some onions on. That's what he calls the hacky sack. He's made hacky sack cool.

Yes. So I think the other guy was probably seen as more of the cool guy. and that was Scotsman David Hoy, a master shipbuilder who would help teach convicts how to build ships over the final few years of the penal settlement's existence. The Frederick was to be the last of Hoy's 96 vessels to be built at Macquarie Island, Macquarie Harbor. So this guy, yeah, they seem to really look up to him, the convicts. I think they called him the Admiral. It sounds like he was, the other guy was actually in charge, but he was always a bit drunk. And this is the guy that, even though he was really just the ship builder guy, he was the one that they all kind of looked up to.

Arthur wanted the half-built ship to be packed up and completed at the new Port Arthur facility. But the message was either missed or ignored. Sounds like maybe they were like, Hoy was like, no, I don't want to finish it here. Yeah. It was decided that a handful of sailors and tradies would be left to finish the job and then sell the new ship over to Port Arthur. This group would be guarded by four soldiers and directed by Tor and Hoy and their manservants. I think they were convicts. They were just sort of like they got the gig.

Better at admin. Yeah, yeah. They're like, they speak to each other to book in meetings for their bosses. Yeah. Man servant is such a funny, bro. But do they make sure they were manscaped at all times? Oh, yeah, yeah. So who do we have?

James Porter. He's probably the most famous because he's the one who wrote about these experiences. Oh, we love that. And so, but he, that means he's also a slightly unreliable. You read about it. Narrator? Yeah, it was the strongest, toughest, tallest, well.

Everyone agreed I was real sexy. Yeah. And they were all like, if we were chicks, we'd be really into you. And I was like, thanks, boys. Thanks for that. And then I played a guitar solo. It was actually pretty sick.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you'll get in the vibe. I can run fast and jump really high. I'm really good at fighting. Yeah. Yeah, I lost my shirt, whatever. But, I mean, they were going to whip me, then they saw how good my riggies, and they're like, it would be illegal to have a shirt on that.

So I got anti-whipped the opposite. Got the opposite of whipped. Yeah. I whipped them. And they said, thanks. Thanks, Porter. That's not far away from a story or later. But so he was sent to Australia for stealing some fur, I think.

And once he got there, he got in trouble for trying to escape lots of times. Right. So even back then, people were like fur. That's gross. Yeah, he was just early Peter. Yeah, yeah. They threw blood on him and shipped him to Tasmania. Yeah, that's right.

Adam Courtney wrote a book about this called The Ship That Never Was. and I'll be quoting from it a bunch. That's beautiful. According to Courtney, after nearly a decade of attempting to escape his penal misery. Sorry, Doc, I've just got a, I think I've got a case of penal misery. Oh my gosh, I've had all the antibiotics. It's done nothing. It's miserable down there.

I just can't cheer it up. No matter what I try. He's droopy, he's floppy, he just. So lethargic. My poor wife, I keep telling it. It's nothing to do with you, Bob. I've got penal misery. The condition.

See, some people like to listen to podcasts where they learn these interesting stories. But you can listen to ours and listen to three fully grown adults. Talk about penal misery. Well, I don't know why you'd choose any other podcast. I mean, just so, Matt, you can sort of picture it shedding a single tear. Oh, it's sad. But surely you're reading Courtney's probably very serious book. You've got to laugh when you get to the phrase, Pima, Missouri, surely.

It's funny because I don't think I even clocked it. But I'm realizing now that I've said it so much. Great. We're deep in the story sometimes. So I got the e-book and I also listen to the audio book of this as well. And the guy wasn't, he wasn't giggling. The narrator didn't go. Really?

Sorry, just give us a second. I guess I was edited out. Yeah, that's an amazing voice actor if they weren't. Was it Anthony Hopkins? It was Sir Anthony Hopkins. He can hold it together, no matter what the surface sounds. Man, can hold it together. God, he's good.

He keeps it tight. I think I should do audiobooks. Yeah. You would be laughing. Yeah, but they'd edit that out. Yeah. Dave. I reckon leave it.

People would prefer you to leave it in it. Yeah. Makes it more fun. Essentially, it would just be a podcast without you two. What do you reckon? Go solo. I'll listen to John Cleve. Lisa's autobiography a while ago, and he laughs through it.

I'm sure he does. At his own bits? Yeah, and memories and stuff. Okay, well, that's... He's having a good time. It's his memory. I think it's okay that he laughs. It's imagine if it was somebody else reading his book for him and going like, ha ha ha.

Yeah, yeah. And then I said, like, what? Back to Courtney. So he's talking about how Porter has been trying to escape his penal misery. But he realized he was not capable of. of doing it solo. He needed to join a team whose various parts would enable the whole to execute a well-wrought plan.

A rag tag team? This is Oceans 11. I love it. Yes, we need a contortionist. Literally. On the, on the ocean. Yes. On the Oceans 11.

Is it a Frederick 10? Oh, need another one. Could be Oceans 10. Yeah. It could just be a, you know, pretty cool. There's oceans eight, you know. They've left gas. They've left nine and ten.

Love it. So this is Oceans 10. In late 1833, Porter started working with the settlement's best mechanics and sailors, handpicked by Tor and Hoy to finish and deliver the Frederick. These men also happened to be some of Macquarie Harbour's meanest felons and best escape artists. John Barker was the head convict during the construction of the Frederick. If there was a ringleader or mastermind, it was most likely to have been him. He was an expert gunsmith and watchmaker and had been quietly.

learning the basics of nautical navigation off another convict. So this guy... That's nice. They're teaching each other. That's right. They're growing. Very collegiate atmosphere. That's very nice.

And as it was getting a little bit laxer there, he was basically, you know, unsupervised making and repairing guns and stuff. Good. Don't supervise them for that bit. No. Making up the rest of the tent. Initially, I was going to give, like, because in the book it's got backstories of all of them,

what they did to be sent to prison and stuff. But anyway, I thought in the end, it's too many names to keep in your head. Yeah, I'm just going to call them more Frederick. Yeah. Luckily, there's a few similar names. There's three Johns. Perfect.

30% John. A couple of Matthews in there? No, Matthews. Wow. I'm furious now that you mentioned that. So you've got sailors, John Jones, John Fair, Charles Lyon and James Leslie, as well as Porter. So they're the ones, they're the five who know how to be on a ship.

Then how to sail. So does Barker need to learn if he's got those five? Well, they've got different specific jobs. None of them know how to navigate. Okay, okay. And that's an important. They all know how to swab poop decks. Yeah, they can swab the shit out of a poop deck you've ever seen.

Oh, yeah. But they will run into an iceberg by accidentally going the wrong way. And then you had the land lovers. Oh, that's me. And tradies. Benjamin Russon, John Dady and William Shires. So what are we got there? I think we've got nine.

Okay. According to Courtney, the 10th man wasn't required for either construction or sailing. Just for vibe. Is he carrying drinks, 12th man star? He's just fun. It's almost the opposite of that. William Cheshire, 24, was John Barker's servant and by all accounts a sad figure. He had penal misery.

Cheshire wasn't... It had spread. That's right. It got it all over him. So he wasn't initially part of the escape plan, but he overheard Leslie and Rossin talking about it. And then just for fear of him dobing him in, they go, hey, you're, you come in and just don't tell anyone about it, right?

And was he the only other one? So was the escape plan, like, at first just to leave him behind? Yeah, they, they... Oh, that's so brutal. Well, and they're two manservants. I think they were convicts as well. Okay, the man servants aren't count. Okay.

I thought it's just like, this guy's... This guy's really dull. He's so depressing and boring. Let's just leave him here. I think that is. That does sound like it as well. But they just, like Porter talks about him a lot in his writing about him just being weak and untrustworthy. He'd break if anyone.

Like, he was a liability, he thought, even before taking him. But then he overheard it. And they had to cut him in. That's how we ended up with a group of seven to go to Thailand one time. Ugh. I had to put up with that guy. I thought all of us had a great time. I thought all seven of us.

Hang on a second. Are you talking about? I was the last one added to that trip. Yeah, that was your partner overheard. Guess we'll have to bring him. Otherwise he'll rat us out. So the collection of men was an interesting combination to leave as the last one's holding the fort, outnumbering, you know, those in charge basically.

Or almost even. So, according to Courtney, collectively they'd committed eight burglaries and tried to escape Macquarie Harbour nine times. They'd been whipped more than 800 times as a group. They weren't on the straight and arrow. They weren't the convicts on their best behaviour. Whose side do we think the manservants would be on if it came to a bit of a... Well, I mean, I know.

Do you want me to tell you? No, we'll get to that. Sorry, because I'm just wondering, like, you know, if you're a man servant, you're like, are you going to go with your boss? you're going to be like, fuck the boss. I'll tell you, they,

they cowed in the corner. I think I'm a man servant. Yeah. Yes, Dave, you are. Now fetch me a coffee. Yes, sir. So, yeah, so basically they'd been picked because they were good at building ships

and that sort of stuff and they weren't really worried about the other part of their personalities. And on the 13th of January, 1835, it was time for the escape plot to commence. The first part of the plan involved Porter convincing two of the soldiers to go fishing with him. So remember there's four soldiers on the island, all armed with muskets.

So Porter goes, guys, yeah, this is a beautiful day. Maybe this is Avo. Let's take one of the boats out, go fishing. They're like, great idea. We'll meet you back here in a couple hours. Anyway, sweet. And then, so he comes back. They're all about to head off.

They've got all their fishing gear. And Porter's like, oh, actually, my time. tummy hurts. I feel a bit sick. I won't go. You go though. Please go. You should still go, please. But I think I'm just going to go lie down. So the soldiers went off fishing. Can't believe how easy that is. Genius little plan that was. And they took their muskets with them. So this meant the convicts only had two soldiers left to deal with. And while the soldiers were armed, so were the convicts, as Courtney explains.

The soldiers had their normal munitions, but Barker, the expert gunsmith, had been busy at the forge and lathe, making a few of his own, which he had concealed on the ship. He'd sawn off the long barrels of a few old discarded muskets and converted them into serviceable pistols.

The rest of the convicts would have Tomahawks, also made by Barker. So he just sort of unsupervised in the weeks leading up to it was able to just to make all their weapons. What do you make? in there. Soren off gun. Carry on. Fair enough. Are you going fishing later or what?

To see at the pub? Cool. How difference is the vibe of these final weeks from what I was talking about from the years previous? Cooking fat. Oh, that's it. Whip you to death. Yeah. Make it a gun? Fine with me. Cool. Whatever. Just do it quietly. Can you make me one? Yeah. Sorry, I'm over here drunk. So if you could just... Yeah. Once you're done with that, could you make my girlfriend a necklace? I forgot our anniversary again. Oh, I'm going to be in the doghouse. In order to get the soldiers in a vulnerable position to attack, it was suggested that they joined Porter in a sing-along below deck. One of the soldiers joined in while the other remained in his position on deck.

So one of them goes down with a few of the convicts. Apparently Porter, a pretty good singer. It's hard to resist joining in. I don't know if it was just him who said that. Is this from Porter? Yeah, okay, great. But I got voice of an angel and the abs of a. a porn star. I got Paul Sarabs.

I mean, a lot of everything that's happening now, there was, you know, there's still Hoy and Tor were there to corroborate, I guess, later. But he's saying, I have the opposite of penal misery. My penis was too happy. Too happy. So it's set up that he was going to sing a certain song and when he got to the word rose.

Oh, I love it. Kiss from a rose. That was, yeah, it was Kiss for Rose. Spiceeal. Very naughty, damn singer. Everyone joining in, baby! But then, you know, they get, the songs are so good, they get to the rose.

And he's like, kiss by Rose. Everyone says joining in singing. And it's like, wow, this is so good. Apparently, according to Porter's own writing, he was so nervous at the time that he could hardly get the words out. But he got through it. And when he hit. rose, the two soldiers were quickly subdued, one with them below deck and one up above. And when you say subdued, do you mean killed?

I do not mean killed. So let's go back to Courtney. The convicts now had two soldiers under their control and two extra muskets at their disposal. The soldiers were now placed in the forecastle at the front of the ship. I don't know what that is. I guess there's just a room at the front of a ship. Jess, you'd know you're a sailor. What's a forecastle? If I have to explain a forecast. to you. It's really not even worth my time. If you don't know what a forecastle is, you'll never know. You'll never understand. If you weren't born to sea like me, God, imagine. If there's some sort of apocalypse and we all have to take to the sea, some sort of water world. I'm fucked.

Yeah. Dysentery, I'm gone, but it's like vomiting. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Anyway, forecastle. So yeah, they're placed in the forecastle. where there are a few spare cabins, they're bound and gagged and then thrown into a small hatch. Now it's time... That sounds awful. Yeah, that doesn't sound ideal. Now it was turn for the first mate, James Tate, who was in his cabin. Russon...

So I think he was a freeman. That's such a great one though. First mate, James Tate. Oh my God, it is so good. I said that and I didn't even clock it. Russon called him to come up. Hey, it's one of the convicts. You want to come up?

He's like, yeah, all right, coming. when he reached the death, Russon moved quickly, pinning him against the mast with a tomahawk in hand. Up jumped Jones and Lion, who gag Tate and pulled him to the ship's forecastle,

Dave, you understand. Down into the scuttle went Tate, who had barely resisted. Tor Hoy and the convict servant, the man-servant, Nichols, was still on board. The conspirators weren't worried about the man-servants

who hadn't shown any signs of pluck. Right. No pluck. This is in Courtney's words. They were, you know. They're pluck free. Pluckless. They were pluckless.

You pluckless wonder. P-heart's. But the two soldiers who had gone fishing would be a different story. The ten convicts needed to secure a hoy and tour before they could deal with them. All the men knew that serious violence towards those in charge was out of the question. It would play bitterly on them if they were caught. I mean, if you get caught, surely you're done for anyway, right? So there was this famous escape from another.

convict settlement and it was they took a ship called the cypress in 1829 and they were quite violent as they were taking over the ship killing people and then leaving others stranded without food and the ones that got caught in the end got really severe punishments so this is all going through their heads right one of those guys from the cypress ship ended up at mccory harbor and so they probably really understood this well. It was so famous. There was songs written about and stuff, this Cyprus one. So they were just making sure, no matter what, avoid violence.

And it's like an insurance policy in case they fail. Shire's, one of the convicts, he pushed hardest for this, repeatedly saying there will be no violence on them. Although he's the person in getting the crew together who says, I'll only participate even though one gets hurt. Yeah, yeah, that's right. all right, and then someone get the shot on day one. We got to use, only using blanks.

So all of a sudden, it's time to take down Hoy and Tor. And even though Shires was the one going, no violence, no violence, he went off script, he had a rush of blood to their head. Just not a machine gunning in the air. He barged in on their cabin before Porter was meant to be there as backup. So he went in on in alone and a big scuffle broke out and tore. and Tor was hit on the head by Shire's Tomahawk, cutting him on the head.

He's the guy, he's just been saying, no violence, no violence. And then, so I think, you know, he came to and he's like, oh, this isn't the plan. He retreated back out, climbed back up the ladder out of the room. And the stunned captain and shipbuilder refused to yield. They go, come on, we've got the ship. Come out. Let us tie you up.

Come on. And they're like, no, we're not going to. you shouldn't do this. They're like, but we're doing it. And this went on for like two hours. And eventually, because a gun accidentally went off and nearly hit the captain, the captain was like, oh, okay, what are you going to kill us? And they're like, no, no, we don't want to kill you.

We don't want to kill you. That was an accident. Yeah. Sorry. And they gave themselves up finally. Let's go back to Courtney. So there remained only the last two solace. soldiers and McFarlane to worry about.

With a musket shot from the ship, they were signalled to stop fishing in their boat and come alongside. So they cruise up next to them. So like shooting into the air what you're saying. Going, hey, we got this ship. That's right. I've just shot this in the air and in about 15 minutes this gun will be reloaded. So you better do what we say.

Porter jumped onto their boat and had a gun at him and it was all over very quickly. So they had their guns taken off of them and were placed with the other capital. The Frederick had changed hands in less than a few hours, and it had been done without serious violence and without injuries aside from the Gashon Taw's head. Hoy asked who was to run things from now on, but he must have known that his own foreman, John Barker, was the man he had to deal with. Barker told Hoy, I'm now the captain of this brig, and with the assistance of my men, I can navigate her around the world.

I learn how to navigate off some guy, so... I'm set. Hoy replied, you are deluded. He said, is Barker copping to that? That's his words? Not exactly, but Hoy is like, I know boats. This boat is not built to go anywhere. It's built to cruise around the coastlines.

It's a little cruiser. It's a fast, smaller ship that's really made to be able to move fast around coasts, not to do long haul journeys. And he's going, I'm going to navigate it around the world. Around the world. First to Paris. Yeah. Ho's like, no, you're not going to make it.

The boat, it's not even finished. We could sail it around to Port Arthur. Yeah. It's definitely built to do that. Definitely built to do that one. Which we're meant to do the Savo. So. And then Hoy said, I promise before God and with a Bible in my hand that if you give us back the bridge,

nobody will mention what happened today when we reach Port Arthur. But the shipwrights please fell on deaf ears. We will not yield this ship. All we want is our liberty, Barker repeated. Neither Barker nor any of the men could stomach the idea of Port Arthur. Real liberty, the kind they had just fought for, was beginning to taste very sweet. Underguard, Hoy and Tor were taken down to their cabins and allowed to pack anything they needed, especially clothes to keep them warm.

It was clear what was to happen next. they and the soldiers would be marooned and forced to find their way back to the colony. Before leaving them, Shires gave Hoy a bottle of alcohol on a pocket compass. The men, he's like, don't tell anyone, but here's a couple little treats for you. Here's a box of Capri favorites. No hard feelings. I've eaten all of the good ones. I hope you like Turkish delight.

And picnic. Remembering that those who stole the Cyprus ship in 1829 left the maroon crew. basically for dead with very little in the way of supplies. So this crew was going to make sure those left behind were well looked after. Hoy was left with bandages and plaster because he had a bad back, as well as bottles of wine for the pain. All remaining provisions were divided approximately 50-50 between the escapees and the captured. That's pretty good.

Yeah. Do not let our affair be like that of the Cyprus to leave them to starve, Shire's said. My proposal is to share the provisions with them as nearly as possible for there are nine of them and ten of us. And let us trust Providence. And it will also be the means of preventing them from saying when they reach headquarters that we use them cruelly or in a dishonorable manner. According to Courtney, flour, oatmeal and salted beef were handed over as well as tea, biscuits and sugar. What about cooking fat? Well, they didn't need to do cooking fat because they gave them a live goat.

I'm full of fat. This poor goat's just been on board the whole time. Yeah, yeah. There's been a goat. and a cat. Wow. They kept the cat, they gave the goat. Cool, that's a bad choice. Do you reckon?

I'd keep the cat. For eaten, I mean. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, the goat's got more meat, I assume. The cat's got more spunk. More spunk. And Jess, did you know this? They were seen as good luck on ships.

Yeah. I didn't know that. Seafaring superstition had it that cats brought good luck. They supposedly had special powers to protect ships from dangerous weather. Yes. Beyond any of that, they also help rid the ship of rats. Oh, yeah. Oh, but the goat was fucking useless at that.

It was attracting rats. It was making friends with rats. Stop it. Apparently, the exchange was made in an atmosphere of total conviviality. Conviviality, meaning? It was convivial. Jess, if you don't, if you're not born into a convivial environment, I can't explain. I was born at sea.

Yeah. I don't know what convivial means. It's like it's nice. It's pleasant. Yeah, friendly atmosphere, right? Okay. Why don't make me to find another word. Don't use a word you don't know then.

Change it. I know what it means. I just can't explain what it means. Okay. Convivial adjective of an atmosphere or event, friendly, lively and enjoyable. Oh my God. Oh my God, Jess. That's basically what I said.

I'm sorry for asking a question. Just sorry for trying to learn. Similar words? Yes. Friendly? Uh-huh. Genial. Affable.

What's genial mean? Amiable. I don't know what any of those mean. Genial. Friendly and cheerful. Okay. So it was nice. Yes.

It sounds like they're doing things in an orderly, friendly manner. That's lovely. Even though some of them know they're about to be left basically for dead on an island somewhere. Yes. Because you've got a lot of supplies, but what's the hope to get back to another? When you're trying to wave down a ship or something? I think they had to sort of make it on foot around the coast. So it was, it was tough, but they, they did it, they got there.

And I mean, in part of that, they couldn't leave them with, they left them with a vessel. They were worried that they'd come after them. Yeah, fair. So, Hoy asked for a gun. He said, oh, I might need a gun to protect ourselves. And they're like, we'd love to, but, you know. Yeah. We love you.

We really do. He's a goat. And we're, I couldn't be any more convivial. Hoi made a final plea to the convicts don't make this mistake again they said no we're going to make a mistake okay he then basically went all right since I find you will not give her up I thank you for all your kindness to us as a whole myself in particular I know you have put little provisions to cross the expanding ocean and likewise a brig that is not sea worthy for such a voyage and may God prosper you in all your perilous undertaking wow I like the other

a little back end of her like, it's not seaworthy. Certainly not for the voyage you want to do. You don't have enough provisions with you and you're on a ship that certainly can't do what you're trying to do. So you're definitely going to your death. So thank you for the goat. I appreciate that so much. Okay, bye-bye.

And then apparently the convicts offered Hoy three cheers from the boat. Sure. And then the, the, the, uh, Hoy and the others gave him. three cheers. You're sure. This can't be true. Godspeed, you beautiful bastards. That's odd.

Yeah, it just feels like, you know, that stereotype of British gentleman stuff. Yes. Yeah. Hey, jolly good. Well, you bested us here. All the best cheerio. Even though Hoy is Scottish. It sounds quite different.

In the audio book, the guy. the Australian guy, I reckon he was sort of like 70% good at the Scottish accent. But certain words slipped out and you're like, ugh. Yeah. I actually got Anthony Hopkins. Yeah, Sir Anthony could have probably nailed that. Or a Scottish person even. So despite them being careful to take the ship in a non-violent way,

they knew they would be wanted men. But they did have a bit of breathing space. According to Courtney, they knew that it would take several weeks before the port officer at Hobart Town would be notified that the Frederick was late to arrive at Port Arthur. So I was still... They got weeks head start. That's great. So both the people they left behind, but also their arrival, supposed arrival time, wasn't for weeks. So they had a big head start.

Then it would take a few days longer for the authorities to organise and equip a search party and a few days more than that before they departed. So the Frederick 10 could be at sea for a month before anyone attempted to pursue them. And by then, the convicts hoped to be very far away. Paris. Mm, we, we. Hey, let's have a quick break, and then after that, I'll let you know how the escape goes. So their first problem was getting the ship through the perilous hell's gates.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that. People about the hell's gates. Right off the bat. And they, the conditions did not suit them. And even though they had so much time, they were really paranoid that Hoy, would be, they'd be coming after them. They're like, they don't have a boat, but maybe, I don't know, somehow they could be after us. Oh, look, they're coming after us, doggy paddle. Yeah, they saw a,

there was a small dingy sort of boat just floating free in the river and they, they went and broke it up just in case, it floated to them. It floated back there and then somehow, they got chased down in a dingy, you know, like, they were, they were super paranoid. So, they'll be in a bit rash. But so they're like, the conditions aren't perfect for, to get through Hells Gates, but we're doing it anyway. Just wait. And they could have waited. The next day was great conditions apparently, but...

Fuck! They forged on anyway. And it was looking like they were about to hit the north side of the Hells Gates, and then a gust of wind blew up, and they got the steering kicked in again on the ship, and they just snuck through us. Oh, wow. Whoa.

But it was almost over before it began, really. Imagine that just going down. So close. You feel like such an idiot. Yeah. You would feel like a fool. But once they got through Porter wrote of his experience, I cannot express my feelings at that moment.

My heart expanded within me and I believe it was the happiest moment of my life. He does say a lot, though, that his life was miserable. Really? Even with abs like that. Yeah, I know. And singing voice of the generation. Yeah, that's true. And all the ladies begging to have sex with you.

Like when he's, captured at different parts. You know? When he's captured to different parts, he's like, obviously I've been, yeah,

good to have me behind bars because I've just been having so much sex out there. It's good to give the other boys are at the chairs. This is a good break for me. Yeah. They don't keep him out.

He also, like, they'd be like, you know, you're close to going to the gallows for this. He'd be like, great.

I'm, my last been so miserable, you'd be doing me a favor. Wow. Like he says, that sort of stuff sometimes. But yeah. Sometimes extreme.

beauty is a curse. That's true. Dave, you understand. I absolutely. Do you understand? Even hotter in real life. It's been in my comedy festival show. See you there.

So they were away. But the boat, like I was saying, wasn't built for the rough seas they were going to face. It was a coastal cruiser. They were planning on sailing across oceans to South America. It's not an ocean cruiser. It's not an ocean cruiser. This is ridiculous.

You've got to hug the coast all the way to South America. Yeah. Just do a lapse of Australia. It loves from Tasmania. Any second now, I'm sure we'll see the turn off. Well, they couldn't even make it to the mainland? Well, I mean, they could. But they're going to go for South America.

They're planning for Chile. Not-extivision country. Yes, smart. Smart. They liked it as it had recently won its independence from Spain and had no ties to any European powers. Apparently, Porter also lived there for a bit and maybe had a wife and child there.

Oh. But he doesn't bring them up very much. His life is miserable. What about? He's like, yeah, great there. They've just had their independence. I want about you wife and child. Oh, don't worry about them. Don't worry about it. I'll probably go to a different part of Chile. It's a big place.

It's a big place. I want to let them get on with their lives. Yeah, that's right. They're fine. They're right. I don't want to bring them in on my penal misery. It's contagious. So on top of the boat not being fit for purpose, the crew wasn't either. They were under manned as it was, and half of them didn't have any sailing experience at all. So there were the five sailors, but the rest, the other five, you know, They'd been on a boat from the UK to Australia. Yeah, but they weren't. Chained down probably.

Yeah, they weren't exactly working and learning. But the good news was they were willing to work hard and learn on the job. Okay. Right. Is that what they said in the interview? But the bad news was, within a few hours of passing through the hells gates, they discovered a leak. Oh, dear. But the good news was, the boat was fitted with two pumps.

That's good. But the bad news was, each needed two men to manually operate it non-stop. can I go now? Also bad news was one of them didn't work. They didn't have time to test them out before they left. So, one pump. One pump and a leak. One pump, one leak.

Easy. Easy, that adds up. You got a door, you got a gym. You got a leak, get a pump. Yeah. So two of the ten men would have to constantly operate the pump for it to work. It was a hard manual labour. Yeah, right.

It's a hand pump. Hand pump. It's chains, pulling a chain. Two men have to sort of wind it to bring the, the water up and out. So it was brutal work. It had to do it nonstop. You couldn't just get it going.

Yeah. Can you fix the leak? No. Because they gave the other guy the band-aids and plasters and stuff. Oh no. That would have been perfect. For his bad back. And I think it was because the wood was still young, you know, and it was, you know, moving.

Probably expanding. Expanding. Spanning. Multiplying. Not convivial. Are you using that right? Yeah. Certainly that Hew and Pine was not in a convivial mood.

Right. And unfortunately they have kicked off the master craftsman as well, right? He probably could have helped out. Yes. Yes. But I guess then that would have been a bigger charge of kidnapping or craftman capturing. You've been charged with craftsman capturing. So they've got a leak on the first day.

and this trip, best case scenario, goes for six weeks. Perfect. The wind was blowing so strong that the sails were in danger of snapping the masts and Lion, who was steering the ship, was struggling to keep it on an even keel. The little boat was heaving up and down over the waves. The non-seafaring convicts had never experienced anything like it. As Courtney writes, close to midnight, the gale was reaching such a strength that to keep her on some kind of track, Lion desperately needed another man at the helm.

The boat was becoming too heavy to steer. It's the other thing about the water getting in underneath. It made it harder to steer again. Of course. They weren't that worried about it sinking, but it was just making it heavy. Heavy. Yeah. Bulky.

Didn't have the great turning circles. Yeah, exactly. You couldn't do the one palm turn. None of the, what's the steering? Power steering? Power steering. Yeah, they were on an old, yeah. Like an old 70s.

Yeah. Sedan. You've got a Datson 1600. Yeah. The two men who had been pumping out the water from the hold had been ordered to come up. So the pump was abandoned because they're just like, we need you to help with other things. By the early hours of the second day, men were down. Barker's seasickness had come on early and he was confined to bed.

So they're down to nine men. After being placed so high in such a turbulent sea and without time to acquire their sea legs, Shires, Russon and Cheshire were all wretching violently. So they're all out of action as well. That's me. Within a day and a bit. Yeah. I'm interested to hear that they let Cheshire, Cheshire,

continue because he was the guy they didn't want to cut in. Yes. It's interesting they didn't just go, you're part of the plan until you're not part of the plan and leave him on the island. Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, yeah. But yeah, I wonder how much he knew. But also I think Barker, I think Porter did really.

didn't like him, but he was Barker's servant. So Barker probably had, and later on, Porter actually says, he pulls a gun on him and says, I'm just going to save us all the trouble. And Barker didn't let him. Okay. He's Barker's like, we're going to let him live. He knows how I like my tea. Who's going to make my tea now?

I don't know how I like my tea, but he makes it good. So I need him. Okay. He knows the ratio of milk to water. Okay. He knows how long to let it steep. With all those men down, this left the boat under the control of four seamen, Lion, Porter, Fair and Jones, as well as the bricklayer John Dady.

They were the only men fit enough to work in the storm. There was nobody to keep watch, make meals or navigate. They were, as Porter put it bluntly, very short-handed. I love an understatement. You say they also only know how to make meals? Well, there just wasn't anyone to make the meals, so they just have to go grab a bit of food at any one time. Get a bit of cooking fat.

Keep going. Yeah, the other six men are like, I've never been on a ship before. So therefore I don't know how to make a meal on a ship. They're sick. They're the sick one. So that would be the ones probably doing those sort of things. I'll make you a bowl of soup, but I can't guarantee you how much of my soup. That's so grim.

Oh, chunky. This ship, the ship was under the kind of pressure that might have broken her up. So well had she been crafted by Hoy, though, that despite the constant rise and fall, plunging heavily into the troughs, she stayed whole. So I was holding together. Amazing. He's a great builder. Somewhere I read that he was like best of his generation almost.

Oh, wow. It was a gun. He was a gun? He was a gun. Barker actually created him in the forge. Wow. The storm continued to rage for days and the four sick convicts remained out of action for the time being. It's days and days.

Imagine just nonstop five of you having to run a ship that, you know, normally would have tens and tens of sailors running it. Who's like, yeah, it's just too much of you trying to run between things. You're trying to go from like helping steer, go to the pump, manning the gift shop. Yeah. It's too much. You know, I'm on the till. Who's selling me?

I can't remember my log in. Yeah. This lady's trying on eight different T-shirts. 40 register three. I don't know what I'm... It's too much. Just searching that lady's bag. She's definitely stealing something.

And you expect like top quality customer service. Yeah, come on. When nobody's making me a meal. No. I don't know. I'm not even getting my 15 minute break. That's stipulated for any shifts over three hours. When the storm broke and Leslie recovered from seasickness, he went down to check the damage.

And to his dismay, the leak meant that. the water was waste deep. So it was taken up on heaps and heaps and water. I mean, they have abandoned the pump. Yes. That realized, he called out. He's like, guys, we've got a problem here. And from then on, the pump would have to be manned nonstop.

So two guys on it, nonstop, 24-7, you know, to put it in modern parlance. They would have said that back then. What is that nice? What would they have said back in 1800s? All the, all the more. and night. Oh, yeah. All one score and four.

Yeah, that's what they'd say. Yes. But in today's modern language, I'd say 24-7. Yeah. So Barker, who was navigating, supposedly, was doing it from his bed, as he was still very cooked. Left. Navigating from bed. Can't see, but.

Which side of the bed he spews out from? That's the way. Veer. Blu. Veer. Yeah. The rest of the crew were getting pretty nervous about the direction they were heading. Fair enough.

So they were heading, you know, towards Antarctica almost because they were going below Tasmania. He was, you know, they were trying to get on a certain winds and stuff. Roaring 40s is the thing. Yep. They were also worried about too much wind, even though they're a sailboat, it's like, we could, too much wind and the boat will just get torn apart. So they're getting nervous that he's down. below deck. He hasn't been sited. But he's the guy directing him. He can hear him.

It's ridiculous. So according to Courtney, more questions were being raised. Were they moving in the right direction? They soon came across a vast quantity of seaweed, which made the men very nervous. Where exactly were they? Seweed does make me a bit nervous. It touches your foot. Is it jellyfish? Seaweed. But have they found seaweed island? Oh no, where are we? Were they close to land?

They weren't expected to make landfall for weeks. They're like, they're going, what's going on? Oh, do seaweed mean land? Barker hadn't made an observation since day two. A week after leaving Macquarie Harbour, the men pulled him out of bed. Just before midday, two men on either side propped him up on deck while he checked his position with the sun. Barker looked at the seaweed, then looked at the sun, and told the men they had nothing to worry about.

I trust that. I trust that. Put me back to bed, please. Yeah, no, you're all good. All good. Seawade, sun's there. Hang on, carry the two. Straight ahead. Yeah, no, you're all good.

You guys doing a great job. Apparently, Porter was like, the men seemed assured by Barker's statement, but they were still, there was still a little bit of an underlying worry. Yeah, fair. In all likelihood, his calculations were faulty, A somewhat overconfident land lover

was giving the orders from his sick bed But still nobody overruled him And he's a land lover He's not a ship guy And he learnt while in a prison He's a land lover, not a land fighter Yeah, that's true You know what I mean?

Oh yeah And hopefully not a land crasher With this boat So he was doing it Like Dead Reckoning apparently Successful Dead Reckoning Requires regular noon sightings With the course tweaked

And the ship's position plotted on a map whether or not Barker even had a map is unknown. Okay. He's just doing it from memory. I think Chili's over there. Yeah, yeah. Seweed. Yep, good.

Yep, yep, that's all in order. It's about right. Usually on the right hand side of the boat. We're not in prison anymore, are we? So I think we're heading the right direction. Can I go back to bed now, boys? Somebody wants to make me a marmalade sandwich. I would not say no.

According to Courtney, the dead reckoning Barker was doing was considered little more than guesswork. Yeah. You could determine approximate position if you're regularly recording the speeds and the exact course from the ship. But while Porter did mention speed from time to time, it appears to have been recorded haphazardly. There was neither enough time nor manpower to do this regularly. Like obviously they had other things to worry about just staying afloat. Gift shop.

Yeah, making sure that. And the 10pm show. The VIPs were looked after. This show isn't paying for itself. This ship isn't paying for his own. Porter had to warm up the pops. Yeah. He had a song or two days.

shave his legs. Yeah. Because he was also like a can-can. Oh, yeah. He had a can-can attitude. They continued heading in an east-southeast direction as Barker remained in his sick bed. Sort of basically heading east. I'm not a ship guy.

So my guess is east-southeast. But I'm slightly south, but mainly east. East-southeast. Right. I mean, is this a quote from him and his sick bed? This is all his quote, yeah. I'm not a ship guy, east-south-east. something.

Ish. Yeah, whatever. That'd be right. Just head that way. You got to hit land eventually. That will hit... Well, it's... A-land.

Is it? Jeez, Louise. Here goes. These guys stress heads. Chill the fuck out. Let's go back to Courtney. Porter says alarm spread among the men. Barker had not made an observation for many days.

His calculations had taken them well to the south of New Zealand. But according to Porter, there was growing. growing discontent. So this is now more weeks have passed. Far out. Barker, hearing of this discontent, how are they alive? Yeah, it's amazing. I say weeks. I think it was about a week. Still. Hearing of this discontent, Barker made an effort to rise on the 30th of January, but the weather wasn't clear enough to reveal the sun. When Barker returned on deck the next day, he made a reading. To the relief of his crew, he announced they would alter their course sharply, heading northeast.

They were finally turning towards South America. And they were all like, just him making a decision made them all think. Yeah. Oh, thank God, we're actually... But he could have just absolutely made it up. Yeah, I guess so. I feel like that's what he's doing.

Yeah, to some extent he is. Well, they just want a decision. Yeah, they're just like... I feel like something's happening. Yeah, he's just a sick guy who just keeps telling us to keep going straight. Okay. That's not really navigating.

Navigating is saying, turn. Which he just did. He just told us the turn. So we're... Sharply. We're feeling good. Yeah.

Things settled for a while over the next weeks, but they were also met with intermittent trouble. So far on the trip, they had survived two gales and a white squall. Apparently the white squall was wild. They were just, it was super calm, blue skies. And all of a sudden, Porter's like, oh, there's a cloud. And all of a sudden, the cloud just engulfed them. What?

And it was just, yeah. Wow. All of a sudden, it was just so hectic. the boats, things were breaking off and they had to think real quick to get their way out of it. That's scary. Yeah, super scary stuff. And on top of that, their supplies were, you know, running low. They only had half of what they could have had and they were starting to regret maybe being so generous.

How much marmalade? How much marmalade they got left? Oh, yeah, luckily that's all they've got now. They're all out of cooking fat and all they've got is marmalade, which will do. On the Paddington diet. Yeah. And what about that cat? How's the cat going?

The cat's still going great. And this is something that apparently was great for the, when the public back home heard that they looked after the cat, apparently the Australian public. Oh, they're like, good on them. They looked after the cat. These guys are all right. I only do these boys single?

I'm a cat lady looking for a cat man. Cat lady. Cat lady. Cat lady. Things were rough, but they were still. afloat and they were still as they believed on their way to the Chilean coast. Beautiful. And I have no reason to believe they're on their way to anywhere else other than the

Chilean coast. So can't wait for them to make it safely. Yeah. Well, I might be about to surprise you. They've made it to Chile. Yeah, in a double bluff cut away, Cordona Courtney, around the 25th of Feb, land finally came into view. But not everybody believed that they were saying land.

Barker. That seaweed. I Barker thought it was a bank of cloud and said, no, we're still 500 miles away, about three days of sailing. This is the guy that they've been trusting the whole time. Yeah. Okay. Couldn't be land.

I mean, I can see people waving, but I think it's an illusion. Don't go towards it. It's sirens. Yeah. But fair, he's like, no, no, that's land. And luckily, you know, he's a very good sailor. That's the statue of liberty. He shortened, he shortened the sails and brought the brig to a halt.

And they were lucky. that he did and they didn't listen to Barker. Had they not sited land before dusk, they would have sailed straight into it. Which bagers? He's like, keep going, straight up the guts. You can sell straight through clouds.

Straight up the guts! It's one of my face is such a good so. Straight up the guts. Up the guts. That's when you know you're sitting at the footy with someone who really knows what they're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just kick it.

Up the guts. Yeah. Come on, up the guts. It's like, just turn your head. They're not kicking up the guts because it's all defenders there. Why are you chipping it around kicking up the guts? There's only 15 minutes left in the quarter, just kicking up the guts. We go to the footy one time and I've discovered a new saying and now I find out.

Oh, it's great fun to say. Up the guts. I'll tell you what, I could coach this team. You know what I'd tell? Three words. Yep. The. Yep.

Yep. Yes. If you could break down the strategy into three words, no would be. This is Matt in his post-game interview. So they would have run into land. So no lighthouses. No lighthouses. Hello.

How, chilly? You're just asking people to run into you. If this is chilly. It is chilly. What? It's chilly. It's cold. Somehow the land, even though he thought it was a cloud.

It was chilly. It was chilly. Chilly. Fuck off. Yeah. You'd feel like an idiot, but then he, because he nearly told him to just sail straight through. But also he'd say, I told you get you to Chile. Yeah, exactly.

And apparently, you know, they were, you would have been like, geez, you nearly killed us. But because he got him to Chile, they sort of forgave him. We gave him a free pass. Yeah. There is no way I thought they were going to make it to Chile. Neither. Isn't that wild? And did, is Chile, Dave, the long, thin one?

Yes. So you've got a better chance. It's a very long target. It's sort of, it's a long. It's a long way up the west coast of South America. Long way down. Long way down, yes. Or up if you're starting at the bottom.

Yes, but it's true. Okay, pardon me. Oh, yeah, what a thing to get fucking pedantic about there. Actually, it's down. It's down. The majority of it is down. I mean, that's a perspective thing, Dave, but I'm glad you pulled me up on it. The Earth, in flooding in space, up is down, down is up.

Exactly. Down under's on top. All right. Finally. So, yeah, so Barker had another long. look and he's like, no, this is, this is the coast of Chile. Look, there's a sign. Chili. Welcome to Chile. Yeah, it's good that I have those out in the ocean.

They had a specific port they were looking for, Valdivia, so they weren't quite there, but they were, they were getting close. So just a few hundred miles south. Because Chile is a long way down. So there. I'm looking at it on a map here. It is. Yeah, well, from our perspective, though, you know, so if you're looking at... That's the bottom half of South America. Sure. But if you arrive at the bottom half, which is what they have done, then they've got to go, where they go? Or they go further down, do they? Back the way they came.

They're going to go a little bit further north. Yeah, up. Just can't talk sense to it. He just won't admit that we have a point. North, he says. This guy. Hey, good luck to him. I said. So it was a pretty good effort in the end. And according to Courtney, the convicts had performed a miracle of seamanship. I mean, he said seaman a few times, but seamanship is very good. We let semen go because we thought, all right. Yeah, we let semen go.

It was part of the penal misery. But semen ship? Yeah, yeah. That's good stuff. They had travelled 6,000 nautical miles in a leaky boat on some of the most turbulent seas on earth. They'd covered a vast portion of the southern hemisphere with just 10 men. And none of them had died. None of them died.

And most of them were vomiting the whole time. Yeah. Only five of them, proper sailors. And he mentions that Matthew Flinders, who circumnavigated Australia in a similar-sized boat, had a crew of 35. Wow. And he just hugged the shore. Yeah.

You know? So it was wild. It was wild that they pulled this off. Like Hoy wasn't joking when he's like, you're deluded. But they, you know, sometimes being diluted gets the job done. Wow. Suck it, hoi. There were different things at play, like maybe the fact that they were feeling under this pressure that wasn't really there made them go fast and probably made the Frederick boat a bit more damage than it could have been.

But yeah, it was a great effort. But it was on its last legs, the old Frederick, unfortunately. They had a long boat with them as well attached. So they launched the long boat all jumped into that. and they didn't really have to do anything. The Frederick just went down. They left the papers on and everything. So it went down and with it, so did their names and identities.

What about the cat? The cat made it with them. Love it. The cat apparently they, once they got onto Chilean land, it just ran off. It was like, fuck these losers. Yeah, God, I'm so glad to not be on the fucking ocean. God, they've been vomiting the whole time.

It's been embarrassing. They've been a nightmare. I'm going to go find a cooler crew. He just ran away. Yeah, just ran away. Like straight away. That feels made up. They ate that cat.

You know what I mean? Ran away. Runa way. Runa way. Soon as we got to lay it just took off and having a beautiful adventure by itself. But I hope there's like a feral cat problem in Chile now because of it. It was pregnant as well. No one will talk about what happened on that ship.

But yeah, apparently they all loved the boat so much. I mean, some of them had helped build it and it got them their free to. them. They couldn't even watch it go down. They were, you know, they loved that boat. It was their home. But yeah, it was time to start a new life. But was that not always the plan of like, yeah, basically, because otherwise they'd be easily traced back to. Well, they're in Chile. Yeah. And they can't their story, they'd be like, you know, the Chilean governor would be like, how can we inspect your boat? No. No. Right. Amazing. Sorry, no, thank you. No, thank you. But they did actually have a look at the,

the long ship and saw that it had some British insignia on it. And they're like, what's the go with this? And they're like, oh, we bought some old stuff at auction. It's not real. It's not a government boat or anything. So they changed their names. Some of them, like John Barker, became Benjamin Smith. William Cheshire became William Williams.

This is the one they're like, he's hopeless. He's hopeless. Oh, I can't even think of a second. name. William William. William. William Shires was now William Jones and James Porter, not only changed his name, but his nationality. James Porter became Irishman James O'Connor. Wow, did he start doing your accent worse? I guess so. Why would you give yourself that, apparently he grew up loving the theatre. He was always... Oh my God. So I wouldn't be, I wouldn't put a pass him, but he has a whole backstory. He was a whole backstory. He was up a particular gate. Yeah.

A bit of a limp and he's like, that's an injury that I acquired when I was 16. What's my motivation? Yeah. At all times. The Frederick also changed names. It was now the Mary. And instead of having sailed from Van Demonsland, it sailed from Liverpool. Even though, but they said it sunk?

Yes. It sunk, but this is the story. It's shipwrecked and we had to take this longboat. I sure it was otherwise you'd say, how else did you get here? Yeah, yeah. You took the long boat the whole way? Yeah. Yep, from Liverpool.

We are incredible sailors. Pleasure to be here. Are we good to go? May I leave? I'm William Williams. Can I go to land now, please? They arrived in this port town and just started partying. They were enjoying the...

They're dancing it up on the beach. There's music. Where's the music come from? A pair of guitars. Guitar solo. Guitar solos? Yeah, actually in Port and goes, hey, I brought a guitar. He wanted to hear Wonderwall.

He's that guy. Yeah. But do they have money to pay for anything? No, they don't have any money, but they... It is a port town and they're in demand for... their work. They split up into two groups. You know, the trade is going and try and get work building ships and the sailors look for sailing work. That's the plan. And they also think, oh, if one of them gets done, at least half of them. Yeah. But unfortunately, the plan came on stuck really quickly. No. Apparently one of them, it's not known which one, had a few too many

to drink at a bar and let slip the true story to this English-speaking interpreter who's employed. by local businesses there who was known or Porter called him Cockney Tom and Cockney Tom worked with the local government and he he dobed on him straight away. Cockney Tom you dog. So by the next day they've all been hauled in and taken into the governor. Jose de la Cavarida. He didn't believe their story. He's like, tell us the truth.

Otherwise, you know, it's trouble. And they're like, Porter's like, apparently in his. story tells this beautiful speech and he turns him around but a lot of people doubt that that actually happened. Is it in the Irish accent? Yeah, yeah. He kept saying to be sure, it wasn't very believable. But it does seem like a cavarader did take some pity on them and he allowed them to stay. Basically, he didn't imprison him, but he's sort of like, until we figure out what's going on, you can stay, you can work, possibly because he knew that they were good workers. that would be valuable as workers.

And they settled down, the men settled down into the community, many of them getting married and quickly having children on the way. Wow, that long at sea. Yeah. You know? I don't know. Is he only cured of penal misery? Yeah.

Porter was living his best life when he was there. This is like, it sounds like the penal misery was a big thing of the past. According to Courtney, James Porter may have changed his name to O'Connor, but to his newfound friends in Chile, He was their beloved Don Santiago. Okay, so now he's an Englishman who was in prison in Australia, and now he's playing an Irishman being given the nickname Don Santiago. It'll make lots of sense.

And this is, you know, this is according to him. Apparently he's just beloved there. Oh, yeah, of course. And they said that I was the coolest guy that ever met. We get it. So, like all the others, he took his freedom very seriously. The old James, the one on the lookout for the next lark and a slice of the action, was now a man about town, well-liked, affable, gentle and kind.

This was the way the New James depicted himself in his account of the time. He depicts himself as a defender of the poor, helpless and weak. His commentary seems only half believable, but this means there may be truth in the other half, Courtney says. Place a man in better circumstances, and he may show himself to be indeed a better man. Porter had previously only looked out for himself. Now, for the first time in his life, he found himself being. looked up to and depended on. James Porter was a somebody. He tells some tales of his time that seem

a little bit dubious. Right. There's one where he like he gets work with all these different people and then he's like, and then a wealthy widower, she said, I need to borrow him. He needs to come and live with me and be my security because he's fantastic. And then he gets into this weird knife fight with her. This is wild stories. And then so while he's working there for this wealthy widow, she comes at him with a knife because he's, she's strung up one of her servants, this 16 year old girl by her thumbs in the yard.

And he's like, he pulls her down. He's like, he cuts her down. He's like, what's going on? And then he realizes apparently he's overstep the mark as the widower. She's in charge of discipline. and then he finds that she's been strung up again, this kid, and he cuts her down again, and that's when the widower comes at him with a knife,

and he's like, with a swift move, he took her out of the way, and he got the knife, but she came out with another knife, and then he... Far out. So it's like, it's just like, and then I, um, I kicked the, um, the guy in the head, um, and I wouldn't, didn't even, uh, you know, leave the ground and, um,

but then the next, like, he ends up, like, hurting her in his story. while defending himself. And he goes to the magistrate, and the magistrate's like, you know what, you did the right thing. And then he says that she,

she begged him to come back and keep working for her. And then he's still, so he's still working for her. And then back to Courtney, uh, whilst there at this job, four soldiers attempted to steal alcohol from the widower's cellar, widow seller, widow seller.

Widow. I've been saying widow, I don't know. Yeah. Doesn't matter. As a feminist, I think women can be widowers to. I agree.

Porter recounts that he single-handedly fought all four of them off. Wow. Then dressed the wounds of one of his attackers. Three of the soldiers then arranged to have him killed by this local sealer. But Porter beat up that sealer as he attempted to murder him. And then he went to court and got them all off. He said, hey, don't, don't punish them on my account. We all make mistakes.

What? It's just like, it's such a, I just found it such a funny. So good. Yeah, it just feels like he's just riffing. Because he's writing this a few years later. Um, love it. Memory isn't the most reliable thing. Hmm.

But okay. And he's, yeah, he talks about the magistrate and says to the, um, the sealer who tried to kill him. He's saying, shame on you. Shame on you. Be more like this great man. Yeah, that sounds true. Eventually word of the Frederick 10's whereabouts got back to Britain and Van

Demon's Land and pressure was increased on the Valdivian governor to hand them over to the British as they were guilty of piracy they were told but the governor didn't relent he was happy to keep them in his town you didn't imprison him he's like there's no proof so you know you prove it otherwise and he also you know Porter apparently was like I actually once fought for Chile and it might have even been true but he's like I'm a patriot I'm basically, I am one of you, you know, I should be looked after, I look after you sort of thing. But things started to feel a bit dicey and nine of the men, all by Cheshire, who wasn't invited, decided to leave once again when an opportunity arose late in 1934. When a ship called the ocean was anchored in Valdivia and its captain agreed to let the men work on his ship, it was there and it was found having some stuff it shouldn't have had on it.

So it was sort of being stuck there until they paid a fine. And so the nine convicts were like, we'll help you with this if we can be on board. They're leaving their families? Leaving their families, yep. Is Cheshire in charge of all the families? Cheshire's in charge. He's the servant to all families. Yeah.

Yeah. So many kids, they keep shitting. So many nappies. Why, they're shitting all the time. Come on, give Willie, Willie a break. That's right. It's Willy, Willy. So they weren't in prison, but they weren't allowed to leave.

So they had to try and get out under the cover of darkness. Early in the morning, the ocean was to set off, and they had to make their own way out to the ship. And they were split into two groups. Porter, Lyne, Barker, Shires, Russon and Leslie met by the water's edge and stole a dingy to make the 10-mile trip from their location. The other group didn't have as far to travel, as Courtney writes. The three Johns, Dady Fair and Jones, had the easier part of the escape.

They were safely ensconced at the port, hiding aboard a boat they had been constructing as a day job. So this is just like perfect. They built this boat. Then they were sleeping and hiding in this boat ready to take the boat straight out. But how are we going to get out there? Our plan's almost perfect. So they had it made. Meanwhile, the other six men, Porter and Barker, etc.

they're in the dinghy trying to make the best time they could, but the lack of light and the river currents made things difficult. Before dawn, they reached the river's mouth unseen by any lookout, so this trip has taken hours. But what they saw ahead at first light filled them with frustration. The normally placid waters just beyond the river outlet were raging. There was a heavy onshore wind and a huge surf at the bar. Even experienced sailors like Porter and Lion,

who could maneuver their way out of the most turbulent waters, knew that their small fragile dingy couldn't cross where the surf was breaking and yet this didn't stop them from trying. They had tried to pass the bar with all their strength and sailing ingenuity but it was too much. That morning the six men sat haplessly

at the mouth of the river while they watched the other three men sail out to the bay towards the waiting ocean. So they watched three of them without even getting the sagas. The three Johns. The three Johns.

So it was a brutal blow to those left behind. They were so close to real freedom. They could almost touch it. Instead, they had to quietly row their little boat. Back to their 10 miles. And their day jobs. So they had to go straight to work after being up all night. And they would have to try and return the boat without it being seen as stolen.

Exactly, yeah. So they went to work pretty tired and depressed. Yeah, their families. The three John's on the other hand sailed off into the sunset. No one knows exactly where they ended up. But it is believed that two of them made it to America. Wow. They ate the other John.

the weaker John well good on him yeah so that's a little little happy moment there although sad for the rest of them so only seven of the Frederick 10 remained in Chile governor cavarader was being replaced by a new guy named Don Isaac Thompson

although Thompson said he would treat the Frederick 7 now the same as Cavarader did Porter didn't trust him right off the bat and it seems like this was probably for good reason. Letters approving their asylum status were meant to be arriving imminently, but at their first meeting with Thompson, he told them they had mysteriously been delayed. He came up with some story, but it seems like he was like, he was screwing him over. And he had, I think he was from British descent, so they're like, this guy, we can't trust this guy. So they're

starting to feel pressure billed to really get out of there. As well as the new governor, the remaining convict sense of unease would have increased with the arrival of a British ship into the harbour, you know, with British flags and everything. It was the HMS Beagle. The captain didn't seem to have any knowledge of the Frederick escape, or at least he didn't want to get involved. He was asked about and he's like, yeah, I don't know. If I, if I tell people about this back home, you're probably going to make me do some about it. I don't want to. Another passenger on the ship, though, the young naturalist Charles Darwin. I was going to say, if that's Darwin ship, isn't it, Beagle? Yeah, so he was aware of them. And just looked it up to

I was going to say, is that the same big guy? Yeah, so he was there, and apparently he knew about the story because he wrote briefly about it in his journal. So he briefly talked about how they escaped from Tasmania and made it over, and he said something like, and apparently they're all married within a week. Cup that. Wow. And he also went on about how Chile, like they were too forgiving in Chile

and probably because they're Catholic and their whole religion's about forgiveness. Yeah, interesting writings from the young Darwin. Wow. Yeah, it's not that important, but it's just, it's funny when little things intersex. Amazing, yeah. Pretty cool. So the remaining men were getting nervous about their situation. According to Courtney, a new escape plan was afoot, and Barker was again at the center of it.

He was always the brains. He was able to come up with the plans. The Don. And he was the guy that Porter needed to, you know, he wouldn't have got this far without him, basically. He went to Thompson and pitched the idea, Thompson, the new governor, pitched the idea of constructing a whale boat for the new governor. Thompson eagerly agreed, knowing of the men's shipbuilding abilities. They were students of Hoy, God damn it.

One of the best in the biz. So within three weeks, Barker had overseen the building of a very sturdy and eminently seaworthy whale boat. Is that how quickly you can build them? Yeah, isn't that wild. I thought it would take like a year. I think a wildboat isn't huge, but it is, it's not a big sailboat, I guess. Yeah, but it's sturdy.

So the plan to hoodwink the authorities was simple. Barker told Porter they would take the boat downriver to the harbour and slip away unseen on the following Sunday night. This time the escape would be for a select few, Barker, Russan, Porter and Leslie. So of the seven, only four of them were involved. Shires, who was now a father to baby Benardo, was perhaps not invited or may have declined the offer. Maybe he was like, I'm a, I got a kid. Cheshire and the lion though were probably not invited

as they were both not liked Cheshire we knew but lion apparently is also a bit of an asshole This is their big shot Porter went to sleep on the Saturday night Thinking this is my last in Chile But unfortunately the other three men Must have had second thoughts about bringing Porter

And they left a day early Isn't Porter like the man Yeah well I mean he's out Because he's written about it all I guess he's our our voice in there, but... They left a day early. Yeah, yeah, but no one knows why.

Yeah. So it was the same as the last trip out to the, trying to get to the ship called the Ocean. So they took the whale boat quietly down the river. They rode all night until they reached the bar, and this time they found no raging surf to prevent them from passing into the ocean. Barker, Leslie and Rossin were never seen by the remaining convicts again.

Where they ended up is unclear, though some say Barker may have spent time. I'm in Jamaica. Wow. They've gone somewhere. They've lost their history, yeah. The British never found them. So they, you know, they're free. So I hope they had a great life, but we don't know.

Yeah. So now only four remain. I hope they had an okay life. Yeah, because they dogged him. They dogged him and I, yeah, I don't know. Some of, you know, I think some of these people are probably bad. Yeah, I was going to say, let's not forget. They were in penal misery.

Yeah. Penal misery. They're stolen and stuff. Because they'd stolen stuff. Yeah, and that's bad. Bad, Dad. Yeah, that's right. That's naughty.

You're right. So I don't hope they had a great life. I think something it read somewhere was that the Macquarie Harbor, like most of them there, very small percentage were violent. They became, people became really violent being there. There were people who were, you know, a lot of people getting killed by axes and stuff for no real reason, fights breaking out. There was one one guy killed a guy because he wouldn't let him have a snake.

that the other guy caught. This guy caught a snake, and this other guy's like, give us a snake, he's like, no, so he killed him. And these are people

who apparently hadn't been violent before then. You quickly explained that it was a snake that they had caught like the whole time I was thinking of like a lolly snake. Yeah,

they caught a snake's alive. Give it to me. Kill a python. Kill a python. Yeah. Those things are fucking massive. In the wild. Wow.

That's where they come from. Double bluehead. And when you're rationing your food, you can make a lot of, a killer python last a while. Yeah, they're like almost like double cooking oil, cooking fat. Yeah. So on the scale, 100 lushes.

200. Oh, wow. So now there are only four of the ten remaining in Chile, Porter, Shires, Lion and Cheshire. And they wore the wrath of Governor Thompson. He's like, I've just been hoodwinked, my boat's been stolen, these guys have escaped. Who am I going to take it out of? Well, they're like, well, they didn't even ask her. Yeah. Where is angry as you?

So the four of them were rounded up and arrested, and a British ship was on its way to pick them up. They'll put in chains under lock and key. One thing Porter was glad of was he was locked up with shires, not line and cheshire. I think it's got it. Porter had another attempt to an escape. I should say if people want to, this story is way bigger,

and I'm going briefly through a bunch of stuff. Got to check out Courtney's book. It's a nine and a half hour. audio book if you're if you're keen so the girl who he saved from having from being strung up by her thumbs supposedly he got her to smuggle in a file and a knife and he used that to um to soar off her thumbs so that it never happen again you're welcome it's the only way he's like now you go i gotta get back to this escape now every time she tries to hang up by your thumbs and she can't you'll think of you'll think of me he's also and you'll never hit your ride either yeah because that's dangerous

You don't know who's out there So yeah He used the file To cut through his irons And he escaped jumping over a fence Out into the woods There was a bunch of little things That happened over the next few days

He had a Someone stole his jumper He got it back Wow Tell us more about that But then he was found Miles out of town Exhausted by the side of the road

Suffering from dysentry No He phaething himself By the side of the road himself. Apologies to those eating their dinner. And I know a lot of people listen to us over dinner with the family. Or on a hot date.

Yeah, so you don't have to talk to each other. Put us on. We'll put him in the mood. We'll get you out of penal misery. Don't you worry about that. Into penal. Convivality. So what happens from there has been summarised nicely in an article published by the Peter

Underwood Sense. which I think is maybe written for children, but I'll... The naughty man. On a big boat. A big, big boat. Toot-toot. So, it writes, taken all the way back to England,

the four escapees adopted false identities. Porter claimed to be an Irishman now called James O'Reilly. As a result, in 1837, they were shipped back to Van Diemen's Land where they could be formally identified. Basically, they went to London. They went to England and they're like, You're the four of those guys who took the Frederick and they're like, no, I'm not. I'm James O'Reilly.

And they're like, oh, we don't know what you look like, but we're pretty sure you're James Porter. No, no, no. So they're sending them back to Tasmania. To be formally identified, but how would that work? By someone who remembered them down there. Like Hoy or something. Yeah, yeah. So just being a pain, like, please just tell us.

So we can punish you now. It's a real waste of resources. Yeah. You want to get back on. another ship because we'll send you. And it was apparently, though, it wasn't like a direct journey. They were just sort of any ships that were kind of going the right direction, they'd just be shifting them one to the other, basically like they were cargo.

Anyway, back to this children's article. Governor Arthur was pleased. A hasty trial followed and the four men were sentenced to death. But the convicts made a series of appeals against the judge's decision and managed to delay they're hanging for more than two years. So they're on death row. But are they on Van Demonsland? On Van Demonsland, yep.

Porter used his time in the Hobart Town Jail Well. This is when he wrote his memoir. Wow. Sorry, he used it well. He used the jails well. So he's down the bottom, writing a memoir. The Jaws ink well to dip his pen into and write his memoirs. Right, okay, okay.

And the story of their bold escape attracted quite a bit of attention in Hobart. and some of Porter's writings were published in local newspapers. Wow. So he was starting to get public support. He's getting buzz. He's like, they're like, geez, they really looked after that cat and stuff like that. And geez, they were pretty kind of the man and they weren't brutal and stuff like that. Maybe we should let these guys live.

It goes on to say, while Porter was a little loose with the truth, the people of Hobart Town started aside with the convicts. By then, Sir John Franklin had replaced George Arthur as governor. George Arthur, you know, was very, he would have done anything to hang him, I think. Yeah. He was furious about it all. But he wasn't there anymore, as Franklin guy was, and it appears the convicts had received some good advice from someone, and they eventually won their appeal against the death sentence. They successfully argued their actions could not be piracy because it had not occurred on the high seas, happened in the bay. So it's a sort of a technicality.

Also, they could not be mutineers because there was no orders assigning the convicts to be the crew. They're like, you can't mutiny a boat if you're not a sailor on the boat. You know, the charge is taking over your superior officer, but we weren't the crew. And also, the Frederick had not been registered and therefore there were no papers proving its existence. So technically, it wasn't even a ship at all. So you can't steal a ship. What they stole, they argued, was wood and... Yeah.

It's had a really good lawyer. Ropes and stuff. But apparently, it seems like the way Courtney tells it anyway, but every article talks about a little bit differently, but it sounds almost like the magistrate or the judge was making these arguments saying to the jury. The jury who found them guilty and sentenced them to death didn't obviously take it into account, but I think the judge kept going with it. He ended up writing findings about it.

I think he was one kind of to thank for them dodging the hangman's noose in the end. As soon as the decision not to hang them was made, the authorities shipped them off to Norfolk Island in the middle of the night. Porter wrote a second journal while imprisoned there. Porter continued his life of crime by 1844. He was in Newcastle in New South Wales where he was jailed three more times. Oh dear. He just couldn't stop.

In 1846 he was convicted for theft and sent to jail once more. But then in May of 1847, he is believed to have finally made his escape. Bording a ship bound for Wellington in New Zealand, he was never heard of again. He finally found freedom, and by 1853 he was struck off the convict record. Some believe from there he may have headed back to Valdivia, where he was known as Don Santiago. Wow. Wow. The other three guys were pardoned, Shire's Cheshire and Lyon.

Lyons pardoned. We're not sure why, but came on the condition he'd leave Australia and never return. That's how awful he was. Just fuck off. We'll let you go if you promise to not live here. Yeah, please leave us alone. You're so annoying. So according to Courtney, seven escapes and three pardons.

This was the final scorecard of the jolly convicts who seized a ship that never was a ship, but a bundle of material so constructed as to look like one. It's just a parlor wood. And that's where the book got its name, you know, the ship that never was. And that's also the book actually got its name from Australia's longest running play, which is called the ship that never was as well, which is performed at the Richard Davy Amphitheatre in Stran, at 5.30pm every day.

That's down in Tassie near Macquarie. 5.30 every day. That's great. Rain, Hail or shine. Yeah. Yeah, it says that in the notes on the website. Wow. It's like it's undercover, pretty much, but it can get cold.

And they perform this story? They perform this story, yeah. But it's sort of like a, I think it's like a comedy version of it. Wow. I'll read one quick review to finish. This is just from like a, you know, just a punter review. Leah from Perth wrote, I'm not a fan of pantomimes. or audience participation shows.

So I didn't really expect to enjoy this. And we nearly didn't book tickets, but I'm so glad we did. This is such an entertaining evening out for everyone. I absolutely loved it and laughed from start to finish. Thank you, Leah. That's nice. That's nice.

I'd like to see it. Australia's longest running play. How awesome. Yeah. Yeah, it's been running for over 20 years. Wow. Wild. And that's the story of the Frederick

escape. Wow. That's right, because we never heard the title at the start. Awesome. Yeah, a bit of a wild journey. It's just,

it's amazing. Some of them spent two years in Chile. Like, the odds of them getting out of this prison colony. Yeah. Yeah. Was so slim. And then they just lived it up in Chile.

That was, yeah. I can't believe it. And then some of them made other multiple long voyages. It's incredible. Love that. Great story. Well, that brings a story. everyone's favorite section of the show, where we get to thank our great Patreon supporters.

Without these people, this show does not exist. So we love to take about half an hour, up to maybe 40 minutes. Let's do we're taking it for a walk. Take it for a little walk and thank a few of these great people at the end of each episode. Firstly, what we like to do. I guess it's tell you how you can get involved, and that is by going to patreon.com slash do go on pod. And then there's a bunch of different levels you can subscribe to if you like, different amounts of money you want to spend and different things. you can get. Dave, what are some of these things?

We are all doing shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, including our quiz show, and for example, people heard about those before on the Patreon heard about it before the General Republic, and also, to this day, have discount codes for all of those shows. If you want to come see our shows, for a discount at all future shows, we usually try to have a discount

for our Patreon supporters, as well as we give out three bonus episodes every single month. If you subscribe, there's 160 in the back catalogue that you instantly unlock, if you're at the bonus episode level. There's a face book group that's such a lovely part of the internet and um you also can i just say get to support the show yeah that's probably that's one of the big ones what a reward i mean that one that one's just for us that's for us but we appreciate it but it's also for you because it's a feeling of uh you're a

patron to three hip young artis that's right if you want to be a patron of the arts if you want to feel like a big philanthropist yeah but you don't have billions of dollars just give us a few dollars per month i mean still have that feeling if you have billions of dollars that's also fine We will take that. The first thing we like to do is for people on the Sydney-Shaunberg level of the Patreon. And these people get to be involved in a thing we call the fact-quote or question section. It has a little jingle go somewhere like this. Fact quote or question.

D-D. Hmm. He always remembers the ding. Hmm. She always remembers the sing. And the way this works is people get to give us a fact, a quote, or a question, or a brag or a suggestion, or really whatever they like. They also get to give themselves a title. I'll read them out for the first time as I read them out.

We do four each week. here we go. This one comes from Stephen Edmonds, aka opponent to the traditional Christmas pudding and cake. Ooh. Interesting. Interesting. And I think you can probably tell that this one was written in December. Stephen is offering a suggestion here, writing. And he's done it in the past. He's given us a few different recipes, if you recall. Oh, yes. Stephen writes, it may not be a steak and apple dumpling magic pudding or a Christmas PUD, but there is something special about a self-sourcing chocolate pudding. Yum. I love the phrase self-sourcing.

Yeah, it's very good. I'm picturing it's like it, you know, it's got arms and it's just like skipping stuff. Yeah. So cool. I'm not entirely sure of the origins of this recipe, but it is delicious, or you might say succulent. I don't know if I would about a cake. Well, have you tried it?

Yeah. You've tried this cake. Yeah. Oh. Huh. Okay. No more questions. I read ahead.

Here is the recipe. One and a half cups self-raising flour. Three quarter cup sugar. One tablespoon cocoa. Two tablespoons margarine melted. One egg. One cup of milk. Within a greased baking dish, mix wet ingredients, margarine, wet egg and milk.

Wet egg? It's a wetty. Into the dry ingredients. Flower, sugar, cocoa. Until combined and smooth. Now here's the sauce. Two tablespoons of cocoa. One half a cup of sugar.

1 and a quarter cups boiling water. Mix together cocoa and sugar. Sprinkle over pudding. Do not mix in. Oh. Very important, I suppose. Gently pour boiling water over the pudding using the back of a large spoon. The water will not mix evenly with the sugar and cocoa.

This is okay. Stop panicking. Great. Honestly, this is a real handhold recipe and this is the exact type I need. Bake at 160 degrees Celsius for around 30 minutes. Serve with a scoop of ice cream. It may be wise to double the ingredients. for the source.

Oh. Stephen, thank you so much for that. Hey, Stephen, you should post that in the Facebook group. If you want, no pressure. Yeah, but if you want. If you wanted. Yeah, I'd love that. Great work there, Steve.

Well, you're not taking notes that whole time, Dave? Oh, yes, I can repeat that back to you exactly. Okay. From the top of my dome. I mean, I was about to get you to, but people could just rewind. Yeah, that's right. The next one comes from Angela del Guducci, aka the anonymous clan of Slackjord Truggledarts

has cost me this election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one that goes to jail. That's democracy for you. And Angela is offering us a suggestion writing, Here is a suggestion for one of the best jokes I've heard in a while. Sorry, there is no joke option to select. Oh, yeah. That's a new option.

Joke. You have a joke, for sure. Yeah, joke, please. I'll add that option in. Jokes a great idea. The joke is, what did the elephant say to the naked man? What?

How do you breathe out of that thing? Do you get it, Dave? Yeah. He's looking at his penis. That's fun. That's great. That's the kind of thing we like to encourage you. Just a bit of fun.

Bit of fun. Bit of fun. And that quote, Dave, that was Simpsons, right? Can you pinpoint it? I think it's that Monty Burns. Monty Burns. Can I remember the episode, the context? Trogloidates is definitely a Monty Burns.

Yeah, slack-jawed trogladites. Very good. There's a song of Viagra Boys album last year that's called Trugler Dite. That's a great word. Now, the next one comes from Gaddi J from the UK. Okay, if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooh, no, baby, please don't go. And Gary Jay is offering a fact writing,

He-He, Bloody loved the UK tour, even though it consisted of, of being in a car accident on the way back from Manchester and standing on a pack train from London for two and half hours with Nat, my wife, and everyone's friend, Saraj. I know the UK is small, but it nearly killed me. Meeting loads of other patrons, which were all so lovely and kind, they even pander to the whole Gary from the UK,

Gary J from the UK bit and made me feel semi-famous. It was great seeing all the shows, but not Glasgow, a little too far on a school. night and how the stand-up evolved over the tour. Thanks for coming over for a blockmus miracle. Hope you all liked your prezies. Tata for now. Tata for now.

Tata for farewell. Thank you so much for coming to all the shows, Gary Jay. Thank you for the presence. So great to have you and now that's so many shows. I did not realize they're in a car accident. They didn't mention that to me. I was, I'm like, have I forgotten this? Am I such an asshole that I don't remember?

No, I'm sure. Jess is not. I'm sure that I would remember that. Maybe Gary just didn't want to worry us. That's fair. She's so kind. Because Manchester was in the middle. Still made it to the shows after that.

Gary J. From the UK. What a guy. Two hours on the train with Saraj. Oh, my God. Oh, I was going the other way there living the dream. So I can razze him like that, you know? Okay.

Well, I'm not friends with him and I would never dare. Be his friend. Be his friend. I wouldn't. That's not true. I'd be his friend. no, the goddamn work. Now, the final one this week comes from Mr. Justin McCain.

It plays us here again. We don't know all the kids in this tree. I'd like to do the same. Ooh. Uh, okay, your friendly neighborhood mailman. He wrote your neighborhood friendly mailman, and I don't know why I couldn't say it in that order. Anyway, Justin has offered a brag writing, shameless brag here, but I'm going to be a dad in July. Yes.

Now I can use Mr. Sunday. movie's favorite phrase of As a Father. Yeah, good stuff. What a great phrase that is. It really adds a little something. Yeah. Do any, any opinion you're about to have,

I think it adds weight and heft. Absolutely. As a father. Give it a try, Jess. No. Comedian who lived here for a long time, Eve Ellenberg, and she liked to say as a woman before everything.

But then it wouldn't be nothing relevant. She'd often go like, as a woman, it's cold in here. And it was very funny. That is true. As a feminist, I agree, with Eve's position there on the cold. The next thing we like to do is think of you of our other great Patreon supporters. Justin we has a little game here based on the topic at hand. What do you think of in the suite?

I was thinking we could either name the ship they escaped on or what they went to prison for. What do you reckon? Gosh, I like both. Both? That's too much. No, we should pick one. Do you think, is the prison thing? funny?

Yeah. What they're into prison for. If we make it funny. I mean, we could say they murdered their nan or something. That's not that good, is it? Okay. First off the rank. Do you want me to kick this off this week?

Sure. I rarely jump in here, so I'm going to take control. Go for it. I would like to thank our fantastic patron supporter from Ascot Vale in Victoria. Mitch Marshall. Mitch Marshall. Great alliteration. In prison for...

Uh... pitch invasion. Oh wow, nude or clothed? Two clothed. The officials were like, come on, man. Take some of that off. Come on, mate. It's a hot day.

It's 40 degrees and you're in thermals. You're going to overheat. Yeah, we're worried about your health. This is an intervention. Let us get you some chilled water. You got to cool down, mate. Cool down to the cell in the back of this divvy van, Mitch. Yeah.

Yeah. Mitch. And they had converted a Mr. Whippy van. Oh, that's. The coolest place to be. Literally. Thanks, Mitch Marshall.

I would like to now thank from Carlisle in Great Britain. It's Kieran McFadzine. Kieran McFadzine. Kieran McFadgen. That's just another guess. Is Carlisle where we went to the castle? I always get confused. Oh.

Or is that a different? No, Sterling. Which castle do we go to? Stirling sounds more familiar. I think Carlisle has a castle. We did go to Sterling Castle. Castle or Castle. I forgot we went to that castle.

And we were very close on the two we just did, Matt, to Warwick Castle. Oh. On a bus, we went to Warwick. We drove through Warwick, yes, to a bus station. And I think we're about two miles from the castle. So pretty cool. We were near a castle, I didn't even realize. Stirling Castle, that was very, very cool.

There you go. But Carlis, who were talking about Kieran McFadzin or McFadgen, as Matt thinks it might be. And Kieran is in jail. Been arrested. for trying to invent a off-the-market flavor of paddle pop. So he's gone to jail for trying to invent something. Yeah, well, I mean, it went to market. He did invent it, but he didn't get the patent or permission from paddle pop the ice cream maker.

And he called it a paddle pop. Yeah. That was probably the big mistake. What flavor was it? It was... You can't remember. It couldn't be... Cheese and onion.

Oh, cheese and onion. Oh, that sounds... Throw away the key. Would have been a big kid over there though. Yeah, no, that's death penalty right there. Yeah. Wow. That's disgusting.

That was Kieran, was it? Very disappointed, Kieran. Sorry, Kieran. That's awful stuff from you. Sometimes the judge gets it right. And finally, I'd like to thank from Warrigal in Victoria. It's Brendan Taylor. Brendan Taylor.

Matt, you were telling us about this one the other day. What did Brendan go to jail for? Yeah, to me it was a misunderstanding. And if I was the judge, I would have let him off. But what Brendan did was he took the wrong pants off a washing line, a communal one. Oh, no. And he, yeah, he was wearing a neighbour's pants. And he's like, I have the same pair.

But the neighbour's like, you're a perv. What's the charge? Wearing a neighbour's pant? Apparently, yes. Succulent pant? How long has he gone to prison for? Oh, that's a life. Life?

Wow. Wow. Straight to my quarry. That's just a good PSA. Label your pants. Yeah. And not, you know, you Brits, we're not talking underwear, okay? We're talking trousers, slacks, okay?

That's right, okay. We call them pants. That's a little thing we do over here, okay? Label your pants and make sure you're always getting the right pants off that clothesline or you're fucked. Yeah. You know what I mean? Life. Can I thank some people as well?

Please do. I would love to thank. from Boxborough in Massachusetts. Is that right, Emma? I would love to thank Sarah Tardiff. Sarah Tardiff, great name. Or is it Maryland? No.

It's Massachusetts, everyone. It's Massachusetts. We're all good. We got it. We got her. When Dave looked worried, I felt worried. Yeah. It's because you two are connected.

Sarah Tardif in jail for her. She. She snipped the brake line on her enemy's automobile train. Wow, her enemy's very wealthy enemy. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, it was like a, you know, wearing a cape and a top hat. Yeah. And was, was the enemy okay?

Well, the enemy had put one of Sarah's friends across the train line and was driving their train. Right. Wait, so cutting the brakes is bad. No, but Sarah had saved their friends. and then what the bad guy, enemy didn't realize, is that the train was going to go over a cliff. And that's what happened. Wow, that's a terrible design floor.

The train that goes over a cliff? It's not good. Well, normally, they were relying on brakes, Dave. But they don't have brake. Yeah. So it was fine. They were just going to murder it into the past. You see what I have a terrible design floor for the brakes to not work?

Yes, that's true. I would also love to thank from Philadelphia in Pennsylvania. Lindsay Munnally. Lindsay Munnally. Munnally is fun, isn't it? Lindsey Munnally in jail for shaving a man's beard whilst he slept. Yes. Without permission.

Not any man, but one of the Philadelphia Eagles. Wow, yeah. Kelsey, the wake of the Super Bowl, and it's his lucky beard. It's a lucky beard. No one knew that, but it was. And that's the reason why they won or lost, depending on what happens. That's full on Lindsay. Yeah.

Wow. Geez, you got away with it if they won and not if they didn't. Well, if they did win, then it was an unlucky beard. Yeah, that's true. Lindsay will be celebrated. Yeah, you should get a ring, Lindsay. Get a ring. Finally, for me, I would love to thank from address unknown, we can only assume, deep within the fortress of the moles.

Deep, deep deep, deep. I would love to thank V. V. V. One of my favorite letters. Really? This is a VEEE kind of situation. Three of my favorite letters.

That's two letters. Okay. What did V go to prison for then, Dave? I went to prison. Yes. For breaking into prison. Oh. And you're just setting up in one of the cells.

And they're like, this is a crime. You're going to be punished. We're going to put you in. Don't move. No, actually, we're going to have to move you to the cell next door. Yeah. Which was slightly closer to the toilet, flushed all night. Oh, yeah.

It would be a really annoying, actually, yeah. Horrible one. So, Vea, you kind of got what you wanted, but also you didn't sign up for this. You're picturing a communal toilet in prison, I guess. Yeah, yeah, everyone's got, there's one big toilet. There's one big toilet. Huge. Would you prefer to have to, like, ask the guards to let you out and take you to, like,

a communal bathroom or the toilet in the cell? Hmm. I'd say toilet in the cell for me. That's my answer. Even when you're sharing with it. Absolutely. Okay. I regret asking. Do you think you would rather go out to the communal?

Look, I'm not a, I'm not shy, but I'd prefer a bit of peace and quiet. That's me time. But you would be, all of a sudden, you're relying on the, the guards to be, to come to you pretty quickly. Yeah. And I would leave it to the last minute. Ah! Come up. It's happening.

It is, it's all right. It's over. You missed it. You had your shot. I've got to need a mop in a bucket. You had your shot. Oh, V. Well, good stuff from you, V.

Very efficient. Yeah, exactly. You know, mucking round. If I could thank a few to finish us up here. Yeah. I'd love to thank from Norwich in Great Britain, Zach. Aha. Knowing me, knowing you, uh-huh, Zach.

And what's Zach gone to prison for? Zach? I mean, yeah, no surname. Very clever. Yeah, it's difficult to punish all Zaks. But if one goes out of line, they all go down. Norwich, Zach, he surfed the unsurfable wave. Whoa.

That's a crime. Yeah, that's a crime. I mean, it's called unsurfable. They said it couldn't be done because it shouldn't be done. Yes. That's right. But he did it and he looked sick doing it. It was awesome.

He's a big star now, but unfortunately, yeah, I'm afraid you guys. you're going to the big house son sorry mate get out of the green room you made uh the people you're into the big house now yep you made the people that labeled the wave look pretty silly get out of that barrel and start looking down the barrel of this gun as you go to prison wow wow you're gonna you're hanging 10 now but soon you're gonna be hanging from a noose in an old timey jail this is getting really full on that was a bit too far I think too far okay well let's go Let's take it back a step. That's too much.

I'd also love to thank from, oh, address unknown. I can only assume from deep within the fortress of the moles. It is Jean Silver or Jean Silver. Long Jean Silver. I love it. Yeah, fantastic. Piracy. Piracy.

Okay, what sort of piracy on? DVDs. Yeah, still to this day. Still. Well, it's a tough market out there. It is a tough market. it. But somebody's going to do it.

That's right, John. Someone's going to do it. Someone's going to do it. I was around at my parents' place last week and there were a couple of pirated DVDs there. Really? What titles? Shrek 2. Yeah.

The finger on the pulse. And Caravan of Courage. Oh, wow. They must have been from a long. I don't know where they've come from. I don't seem like movies my parents would be interested in, but yeah, for some reason. I reckon I've got Peter Pan. I mean, I've said too much.

Oh my gosh. Yeah, good on you for admitting crimes. I'll never admit any crimes. Can you also bleep out the names of my mum and dad? Thank you. Finally, I'd love to thank from Derby in Great Britain. It's Sophie. Sophie has gone to prison for riding a sheep against its will.

Whoa. Bucking Broncos. style. Yeah. Set of world record, though. It looked sick. 29 minutes on the back of a sheep. But the sheep has press charges.

Yeah, of course. And so we have to respect that, Sophie. Sorry, Sophie. We can't not respect that. But you're in the big book. Right. And the big house. That's right.

Thank you so much to you, Sophie, as well as Gene, Zach, V, Lindsay, Sarah, Brendan, Kieran, Mitch. And the last thing we like to do here is welcome a few people in the Triptitch Club. These are long-term supporters. They've been with us for three. three straight years on the shoutout level or above. There's four inductees this week. I'm standing on the door, bit of theater of the mind.

Got a clipboard, got the guest list. I'm about to lift the velvet rope and read your name out. Dave's inside. He's the MC. He's going to hype you up. The crowd of other existing Triptitch Club members are in there chanting along. And just behind the bar, normally comes up with a bit of cocktail based on the topic. We have got cabbage and salted meat.

Wow. And some oranges. And a goat. And a goat is there, but we're not eating him. Pat him? The cat's gone. I brought it with me. It ran away.

And for cocktails, honestly, you need some orange juice. So I'm probably just going to do like champagne sunrises or something. Beautiful. Just to get some vitamin C in you. All right. And Dave, you normally book a ban for the after party. I'm I remember. I absolutely always book the best act I can get my hands on that week.

And this week, it is none other than winner of a lot of a lot of. 11th season of American Idol from 2012. Philip Phillips is here. Wow. Philip's Petal Phil. Phil. His coronation song, Home, of course, being the best-selling song in American Idol history. Really?

Philly Phillips. Yeah, can only assume he's on the run. But Dave, are you ready to welcome a few in? Oh, oh, pardon me, please, please. Yes, I absolutely. I'd love to thank and welcome in from Burbank in California in the United States at CM Studio City. All straight to the Burbank! Yeah, chiching!

Cash, cash, cash. I'd also love to welcome in from Munster in Deutschland. It's ICAena. Well, this ain't no monster. This is one of my favorites, Ikeena. Woo! Am I you happy with Ikeena there? Yeah.

And next up from, where is this, Dave? I could look it up, I suppose. Wow. Why am I making you do that? K.R. South Korea South Korea Whoa

That's cool And from Suon Sea In South Korea It is Anna Dunn I thought this night was Anna Dunn But it's actually

Anna McGinning Yeah Stick a fork in me I'm Anna Dun Yeah That's good stuff And finally From

Address unknown I can only assume Also from Deep within the Fortress Of the Moles It's Maritz Ramuta Ramuta

You know I felt like this night was on remuda, but it's actually on Rolowder. Yeah. Welcome in. What do you have done with that? Remuda, I don't barely even know her. I was honestly, that was the first instinct, and I abandon that for a remuter. So I'm so sorry.

Go that first instinct. Welcome in, Maritz, Anna, Ikea, and Sam, Studio City. Beautiful name for a boy or girl. That brings us to the end of the episode. Anything we need to do before we boot this baby home? Just tell them that we love them. If you want to suggest a topic, you absolutely can at do go onpod.com. There's links to do it there.

There's links in the show notes. You can find us at Do Go On Pod across all social media. And Dave, boot this baby home. Hey, thank you so much for listening. Come see us live. We're doing live shows. We'd love to see you there. Look us up.

The Melbourne Comedy Festival and Matt and I are also at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. But until then, even if you're not near those places, we'll be back next week with another fantastic episode. But until then, also thank you so much for listening. and goodbye. Bye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there.

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