Do Go On - 398 - Mary, Queen of Scots

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

A queen at just six days old, the life of Mary, Queen of Scots was never going to be a normal one. But the twists, turns, and tragedy of her life are truly incredible. This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 05:59 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodLive show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/ Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/Check out our merch: https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/  Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present.  REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.nts.org.uk/stories/mary-queen-of-scotshttps://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/true-story-mary-queen-scots-and-elizabeth-i-180970960/https://britishheritage.com/history/mary-queen-scots-kill-lord-darnleyhttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Mary-queen-of-Scotlandhttps://www.royal.uk/mary-queen-scots-r1542-1567https://www.nms.ac.uk/explore-our-collections/stories/scottish-history-and-archaeology/mary-queen-of-scots/mary-queen-of-scots/life-and-deathline-of-mary-queen-of-scots/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just jumping in really quickly at the start of today's episode to tell you about some upcoming opportunities to see us live in the flesh. And you can see us live at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2024. We are doing three live podcasts on Sundays at 3.30 at Basement Comedy Club, April 7, 14 and 21. You can get tickets at dogo1pod.com. Matt, you're also doing some shows around the country. That's right. I'm doing shows with Saren Jayamana, who's been on the show before. We're going to be in Perth in January, Adelaide in February, Melbourne through the festival in April, and then Brisbane after that. I'm also doing Who Knew It's in Perth and Adelaide. Details for all that stuff at mattstuartcomedy.com.

We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Death is in our air. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. To show your true heart is to risk your life. When I die here, you'll never leave Japan alive. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On.

My name is Dave Warnke and as always I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. Hello Dave. Oh, gasp. Dave, it's so good to be here and it's so good to be alive. I personally wish I was never born. And I'm pretty in the middle. I'm just taking it day by day. Well, I said it more of a statement.

I meant, how good is it to be alive? Oh, right. And I think it's pretty average because I'm in the middle. Yeah. You're lukewarm. Yeah. I'm piping hot. Jess has been cold for months. Jess is frigid yeah i see well frigid jess how does this show work well one of the three of us jess matt and dave

that's us hello hi hi no shut up we take turns uh researching a topic usually suggested to us by our listeners we go away. We read all about it. We write a little school report and we bring it back to the other two who listen politely, who support our friend with kindness. And we usually get on topic with a question. Dave, it's your turn to do a report this week. Have you written a question for us? I have.

Okay. Can I answer your question? Yes. Great. And here is my question for you both to okay can answer your question yes great and here is my question for you both to get onto topic my question is who is described by historic uk.com as this is their little uh little summary to get you sucked in to click the article her life provided tragedy and romance more dramatic than any legend perhaps the best best known figure in Scotland's royal history.

Queen Mary of the Scots. I will take that. That sounded almost like a Jeopardy answer. Well, you re-jumbled it into the right order. Ended in your own mind, which I did, and I'm going to take that as Mary Queen of Scots. You are correct. Yeah, so there was no the in there, so he's wrong.

No, Dave paid it. Dave paid it. For the scoreboard, Dave pays. Exactly. Point for you. We are talking about Mary Queen of Scots. This one was voted for by the Patreon, and this topic only won by two votes. This is the one that I kept sending screenshots to both of you in our group chat saying, it's a tie.

It's still a tie. I want to start researching, but it's a tie. I even posted in the Facebook group saying, guys, if you haven't voted, please vote because it is a tie. Mary Queen of Scots jumped out by two, and this is out of hundreds and hundreds, close to 1,000 votes. Whoa. That's how tight it was.

That's tight. Tight at the top. But I think they chose, as historicuk.com.com says they chose a dramatic dramatic story do you guys know much about mary queen of the scots uh no i don't think i do no i know there's been like modern films about have you seen any of them i was gonna say i haven't seen any of them. That's probably good because that would have given away quite a bit of the story, even though there are a few embellishes apparently in the story.

Right. No, I know nothing about anything, but specifically- Sorry, that was more of a general statement. I know nothing. You know nothing about anything, but zooming in on this topic, you also know nothing. Absolutely nothing, yeah, yeah. Well, this one I nearly knew the name.

Yes, that's something. That's not a bad start. Yeah, honestly, that is one step out of the chest. As a proud partial Scotsman, a few generations removed, I'm stoked to finally learn more about her. What do you know her surname? Stuart. It is Stuart.

Yes, but with a U, I think. Yes, but we'll talk about that. What do you know her surname? Stuart. It is Stuart. Yes. But with a U, I think. Yes, but we'll talk about that. I put in a- It's a French. I put a Stuart fact in there just for this guy. Yeah, yeah. Wow. It's the wrong spelling, but, you know, it's a cute attempt at it.

Yeah. It's a first name spelling. Yeah. This one's been suggested by a few people. Thank you to Rachel Razzi from Brisbane, Lewis Gemmel from Glasgow, Sam Marklin from Melbourne, and Josh Curry from Preston in the UK who suggested a specific part of the story.

Thanks to all those people. And anyone can suggest a topic at any time. Don't even have to be on the Patreon. You go to dogoonpod.com and there's a little suggest a topic tab. For instance, you could do it right now. Do it right now. Pause this so that you can really focus.

Think of something good. Suggest a topic. Yeah yeah it doesn't even have to be something good you can suggest anything we just probably won't do it yeah we'll just ignore the shit ones but you can suggest anything exactly and some people have suggested anything oh yeah and definitely and there's a little section where you can explain why i think it's a good topic and that's uh that's a great chance to pitch it yeah i. I often go off those pitches. The people who seem excited by it and give a few tantalising details. Yeah. Gets you pumped.

Yeah, yeah. So to give a bit of backstory here, previously on the English monarchy. Honestly, I love a previously on. Except when, because it was often on shows that, like, came out week to week, obviously, because that's how TV used to work. But when you're binging it now. Yes. It's like, I know I just saw this.

I've got to tell you, even then I watch the previously because they often show bits that, like, from about three episodes ago that seemed insignificant and I go, oh, great, I needed to know that. Great, awesome, now I know. This is going to be relevant. Thank you for showing. But also sometimes I feel like that spoils it a little bit because I'm like, oh, okay, I needed to know that. Great, awesome, now I know. This is going to be relevant. Thank you for showing. But also sometimes I feel like that spoils it a little bit because I'm like, oh, okay, so they've just mentioned,

oh, I have a fake brother and you're like, okay, well now I'm going to find out about the fake brother. You know what I mean? Sometimes I'm like, spoilers. Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, spoilers on that thing I already saw. Okay. Jeez. Spoon feeding it.

Come on. But I do love, I love bloopers and I love a previously on. Well, this is kind of a previously on. Bloopers? Oh. Yeah, there'll be bloopers at the end of the on. Well, this is kind of a previously on. Bloopers? Oh. Yeah, there'll be bloopers at the end of the episode. Keep listening.

Honestly, there might be one. This kind of relates to, in many ways, a topic I did years ago on Henry VIII. Of course. Maybe five plus years ago I did a topic. I remember it just word for word, Dave. Yes, but just for the people who don't remember or haven't heard it, Jess, I'm going to give a brief summary. But, of course, you can just zone out for the next five minutes. Thank you.

Henry VIII, the man who broke up and rewrote the entire church and married six times, two of which ended when he executed his wives, all in the ruthless pursuit of political alliance and, more importantly, having a healthy male heir, which he did. Well, his heir was kind of healthy. He was a bit sick. But anyway, still, he had a male hair, which was his lifelong goal. Do you remember if in that episode I was annoyed that he didn't end up having eight wives?

There's a Henry VIII that just doesn't feel quite right, you know? It's a bit off. It's uncomfortable. It's a bit off. Come on, mate. It's a bit crook. Yeah, a couple more, mate. Come on.

Two more wives. If I'm consistent, and I am, I probably had that thought five years ago. Yeah, probably. If there's anything I've ever said about you, it's your consistency. Yes. Consistently shit. I'll have a word. They call me the human metronome.

So, Sal, the only six wives. Sorry. In 1537, Henry's third surviving child and only son was born to Henry's third wife, Jane Seymour, and his name was Edward. Edward was the younger half-brother of Mary from Henry's first marriage to Catherine of Aragon and Elizabeth from his second marriage to Anne Boleyn. All three of these surviving children would go on to be king or queen of England.

There you go. Usually, often, you know, there's an heir and then the others are like whatever isn't that wild all from the one family as well that's crazy that they all made it to the top you know normally the odds of that must be pretty long yeah getting they all they all and they all had unless there was some sort of you know nepotism involved oh no no no no no they all had a pretty good go. Unless there was some sort of nepotism involved. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They all got on their merits. They were all chosen by God and by the people. It's a meritocracy.

Yeah. And if everyone in England, his three kids were the best. Isn't that amazing? That's wild, yeah. You'd be so proud as a parent. So, you'd be stoked. Proud as punch. My three little freaks.

Yeah. The best little freaks. Good on them. Don't know why I called them freaks, but it just felt right in the moment you always think that you love your kids yeah because you think they're the best but that's just because they're your kids but as it turns out they are the best proof sadly he didn't live to see that though because for them to be the best he had to die oh yeah right oh weird system it isn't yeah a bit old he died on the day he was voted out as well so that's rough and nothing to do with his death, really.

When Henry VIII died in 1547, his son Edward became king. Edward VI, at the age of just nine, because he was so young, a council of regency governed everything. Now, religion plays an important part in this whole story, and it all goes back to Henry VIII. Because it turns out that changing the whole religion and church for your country just so you can remarry has lots and lots of ramifications.

What? Can you believe that? Changing everyone's religion and the church changes a lot. I don't see how that happens. I think you just go, okay, different now, and everyone just is cool with that. I don't see how that could change anything. Yeah.

Because there's no, I don't think there's any big quarrels or anything between the Protestants and Catholics. Not that I'm aware of, no. Well, actually, Matt, I've got a couple coming up. Let me educate you about this. Yeah, right. So if they were just all remained as one church,

there probably would never have been another war. Exactly. Wow. Henry VIII, I'm starting to turn on him. I think he might be a bit of a C word. A charlatan? Well, he was, but no more. Because long story very short, Henry wanted to annul his first marriage to Catherine of Aragon after nearly 24 years together, which is pretty amazing. Being like, this marriage doesn't count.

24 years. Yes, we have a child, but no, this marriage doesn't count. 24 years. Yes, we have a child, but no, we never, we didn't consummate, no. No. Henry was a devout Catholic growing up, but the Pope refused to grant the annulment. So, as monarch, Henry made himself the head of the Church of England, which was no longer Catholic, but rather Protestant. Protestantism had recently taken off as a protest to the Catholic Church, hence the name.

Oh, so he didn't start. It was already kicking off before he got involved. Luther had already gotten in there and sort of it was spreading around a bit and he was a bit like, well, if you're not going to let me divorce, you know who does? Protestants. So that's where we are now. Yeah, right.

Gotcha. And I'm in charge of the church. I'm the head. So England went from being very Catholic to very Protestant, and his son, Edward VI, had been brought up Protestant, because he was the third child, and grown up with Protestant advisors acting on his behalf. But when Edward died, his older half-sister, Mary,

was next in line to the throne. The problem was she was from Henry's first marriage and she'd grown up extremely Catholic. Right. So there were fears that if Mary came in, she would undo her father's changes to the church and this would be bad news for the people currently in power. Right.

They're like, oh, we might get punished. So we'll try and keep her out. So before he died, Edward VI named his heir as his Protestant cousin, Lady Jane Grey, who upon Edward's death was proclaimed queen for nine whole days. Whoa. And then she was like, I don't like this. Yeah.

This is a lot more pressure than I thought it would be. I think I'm just going to go be a baker. I just like the routine of it. I like the- I love early mornings. I'm a morning- I'm an early bird. Early start, early finish. You know?

That's what I like. I've got the afternoons to myself to just like, you know, work on some creative project. All of this is a bit much for me. And you know what, Jane? That's fine. Yeah, exactly. You find what you love and do it.

You never feel like you worked a day in your life. Exactly right. Lady Jane. Lady Jane Grey. The nine-day queen, they call her. But Henry's oldest daughter, Mary, and her supporters marched on London and most of Jane's supporters abandoned her. So the Privy Council of England suddenly changed sides

and proclaimed, Mary, no, you are the queen, you're the queen, on the 19th of July, 1553, deposing Jane, who sadly was later executed. Oh, for what? Just wanting to be a baker? Oh, okay. So what, the Catholics, they don't like bread? Oh, you fuck up a half dozen cinnamon scrolls one time.

She's new. Straight to the block. Give her a chance. Come on. She's only just become a baker. She's an apprentice. It's ridiculous. I'm furious.

I'm upset about that. Sorry. Lady Jane. I love bread. I love Lady Jane. Now where are we getting bread? Yeah. Is that why Jane. I love bread. I love Lady Jane. Now where are we getting bread? Yeah. Is that why Catholics have that flat bread?

It's because they killed their best baker. Sticks to the roof of your mouth. Pathetic. Never had the pleasure. Never had the pleasure of eating Jesus. No. Well, you don't get to. You've got to go through a few steps before you get to eat Jesus, mate.

That's right. You don't go straight to eating Jesus. You know what, though? No, I won't. But just like you. That's right. You don't go straight to eating Jesus. You can't. You know what, though? No, I won't. But just like you could just go up. They don't check. Really? They don't check your ID card?

No. I think Dave would know, though. They'd look at Dave and they'd go, ooh. Okay. The holy water would steam off his forehead. It'd curdle. Yeah. Somehow.

Are those horns, young man? Mary was Mary the First, which she was in more ways than one because she was the first woman to successfully claim the throne of England. And she did reverse her father's changes to the church and reconnected with the Pope and the Vatican, making England Catholic again. As feared, she had 283 of her Protestant opponents executed, mostly burned at the stake.

Well, now, as a Catholic, I'm sure she's thinking, what would Jesus do? And I think he would kill his enemies. Very spiteful. They believe in a slightly different Jesus, they should die. Or they believe in the same Jesus slightly differently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was known to her enemies.

Off with their heads. Oh, was that her? She's known to her enemies. Oh, for their heads. Oh, was that her? She's known to her enemies and now history as Bloody Mary. Ah, okay. Which came first, the hair of the dog or the queen? Both born on the same day. Okay. Cheers to this queen.

Oh, what's that? Bit of tomato juice and I added Tabasco. Tabasco of celery. This shouldn't work. But it does. Mary was queen for about five years and had no heir when she died in 1558. So her younger half-sister, Elizabeth, was her successor. She became Elizabeth I, famed queen and namesake for the Elizabethan era. But guess what? She changed the religion back, establishing an English Protestant church of which she became the supreme governor.

She then established the Elizabethan Religious Settlement over four years, which charted a course enabling the English church to describe itself as both Reformed and Catholic. A sort of middle road between Roman Catholicism and radical Protestantism, known as Anglicanism. Just to throw a bit forward, Elizabeth will also be a main player in today's story about Mary. But in summary, that's England during this time. Imagine how wild that was for the people to be like, you're Catholic. No, now you're this new thing. You're all Protestant and the king's the head of the church.

And then Mary's like, no, you're Catholic again. And then Elizabeth comes in and says, no, you're a new thing, but not Catholic. This all happened in a 24-year period. Wow. Great time to be a journalist. A lot happening. A lot of news. Yeah, safe time to be a journalist, absolutely.

And for years after those that are in power are worried that someone new will come in and change it all again. So they've seen so much change that they're worried it will keep because every time someone comes in, they're like, hey, you were with the last lot, get out. So people are constantly trying to, you know, save their own skin. Be craving some stability. Exactly.

But will they get it? I guess we're about to find out. Well, actually, going back a little bit, about halfway through the time I just talked about, in 1542 up in Scotland, where they had their own separate kingdom in Linlithgow Palace, the woman that is the centre of this episode was born. Her name was Mary.

Oh, okay. Didn't see that coming. Didn't see it coming. Her father was King James V of Scotland from the House of Stuart. Her mother was his second wife, a French woman, Mary of Guise, the only surviving child of James V. The king was not happy that she was a girl, and he died just six days after her birth.

He was already unwell, but some claimed he died of disappointment, which is a brutal start for Mary. Is that something you can die of? I'm not a doctor. I just want to put that out there. But I've never heard of that. I think it's possible if you are either already sick and dying or you've drank contaminated water.

It's the two real reasons I read why he died. He drank very disappointing quality water. I'm disappointed in this, but I can't stop drinking. So his wife was a geezer. Yeah, she was Mary of Guise. That's cool. The original geezer. Love that.

Where's Guise? In France. Oui. Oui, oui. Oui, oui. Boom, boom. Mary became baby Queen of Scots when her father died, being declared Queen of Scotland when she was just six days old.

Just quite young. I think we can all agree. Too young. If you can't hold your head up, you can't be queen. I reckon it just shows you're a real high achiever. Heavy as the head that holds the crown. It also doesn't have the neck. And doesn't have neck muscles, yeah.

Neck muscles, yeah. Yeah. I mean, just a crown with neck muscles apparently is pretty heavy. Yeah. Jeez, that baby. I guess I would have had to have used some sort of a system, maybe a couple of sticks, some masking tape wrapped around it. Yeah.

Duct tape. Or get like a tummy crown. Oh, yeah. Put it over. Yeah. Tummy crown. What are we doing? So she's Queen of Scotland at six days old.

Mary was also related to the English royal family as she was the great-granddaughter of King Henry VII. Her grandmother, Margaret Tudor, was Queen of Scotland and also the older sister of Henry VIII. Right. So her great-uncle is King Henry VIII. Right. Yeah, okay.

Does that kind of make sense? Yeah, this family tree is starting to get a little bit... I'm going to need a diagram. Yeah, but basically her grandma was Henry's older sister. Yeah. So she's got Tudor blood because that's what their dynasty is called, the Tudors. Right.

I'm starting to feel like, you know, Georgia the jungle, chopping through the overgrowth of this family tree. You know what I mean? I'm getting lost in here. It's a jungle. This isn't a tree. It's a bloody jungle. This family jungle.

Well, fortunately, it doesn't get too much more complicated than that. But because of this, because she's got Tudor blood, she was actually next in line to the English throne after her great-uncle, Henry VIII's kids. Right. Basically, if they don't have children, she was next up. Okay. And that's very important to the story.

Yeah. Being only six days old, to be honest, she wasn't much of a queen to begin with. Sure. I think we'll all be. Jeez, Dave. That's brutal. First she's killed her dad and now she's a shit queen.

I mean. What have you done at six days old? What have you done at 32? Days old. Yeah, yeah. Let's go What have you done at six days old? What have you done at 32? Days old. Yeah, yeah. Let's go through my life month at a time. Yeah, figure out what you've done. There was a queen who only lasted seven days.

Nine. Nine days. Apologies. He's a real round down kind of guy. What, it was basically a week? She's like, it was nine days. All right. It's basically a fortnight.

This one wasn't queen for six days. Yeah. Makes you think, doesn't it? Fuck, it does. It does. All life. So she's a baby and others really try to take advantage of this. Her great uncle, King Henry VIII, who was still alive at this point,

arranged for Mary to marry his son Edward, hoping to bring England and Scotland together. Oh, baby wedding. Baby wedding. But also kind of eliminates her from taking over, doesn't it? Absolutely. By together, I mean Scotland would be under the thumb of England because he would, you

know, the king would be more in charge. Yeah. So, it's great for Henry if he could pull off that coup. When Mary was six months old, they signed a treaty stating that she would marry Edward, which I know sounds a bit weird, but don't worry, she wouldn't have to marry him until she was 10 years old. Oh, that's nice. And how old would he be by then?

I think he's a few years older. Okay. Yeah, perfect. He would also be, he'd be a young teen. Perfect. Yeah, great. Oh, that's very reasonable. Very thoughtful of them.

And is this in a time where that is normal? I think for this kind of like king and queen type stuff. Because people used to die at 40 or something, right? So, 10 is sort of the equivalent of 30. Oh, right. Yeah. Because now we live to 120. I love it when he does maths.

How many dog years were people living back then? How old were dogs? Were dogs only lived till two? Oh, God. That's tragic. That's tragic. That is tragic. I think dogs lived the same amount of time. So, back then, dogs just lived years.

Dogs ruled the world. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Henry VIII was a bit of a dog. So, there's this treaty that says Mary's going to marry Edward. However, many Scots opposed this treaty as, like Mary, they were Catholic, and they decided to break the agreement. Henry VIII was furious and sent his army to attack Scotland,

and this period is known to history as the Rough Wooing. Seriously? Hearing historians say it? It's very funny. The Rough Wooing. During the Rough Wooing. Henry VIII. The Rough Wooing.

The Rough Wooing. See,III. Jesus. The rough wooing. The rough wooing. See, that's dog stuff again. Rough? Why you marry me? Wanna go on a date? Rough, rough? Oh, no. So, that's the rough wooing.

England were pissed off and there were a bunch of battles and sieges. Scotland were a bit worried, so they sided with fellow Catholic France. King Henry II of France proposed to unite France and Scotland by marrying Mary to his three-year-old son, the Dauphin, the future King Francis. And this got France on side and then England were like, okay, we'll back down because we're scared of France. So Scotland had safety, but Mary had to move to france when she was six years old and she grew up in the french court with the children of king henry of france in magnificent

royal palaces living a a life of luxury she'd been sent over with four ladies in waiting who were all her age and their names were mary mary mary and mary altogether mary these four mary's Mary Mary and Mary all together five Marys these four Marys lived with Mary and so sorry so her ladies

in waiting who were typically there to like they do everything for the queen they dress her they feed whatever

everything she does they're her age as well so they're also six they grow up together yeah being basically it's like little mates little little competitive companions.

Little prep kids. Oh, what do you do? You at school? You at school yet? No, I'm a lady in waiting. But they're also supposed to know what their title is. But they're just children. Yeah, they're supposed to advise her as to, that's quite unladylike.

You shouldn't be doing that. But they're like, nah, I like Pokemon. And they're all growing up together and then at some point she's their boss yeah that's a fucked dynamic very strange but and it's also send adults to look after that child so there's five mary's that's it sounds like a reality show five baby house of mary's five baby m Marys in a palace in France. Married at first sight. He's done it. He's done it. He's done it.

I think I did the voice well. He had the title in fact. Let's find out what these baby Marys do next. Yeah, they're locked in the palace with no help. There's just security cameras watching their every move. Which baby Mary will walk away with 100,000 pounds? I don't even watch reality TV. They're all the same.

Yeah, that sounds right to me. So, yeah, is this the time? Because as I understand it stewart got um changed the wrong spelling because the french didn't have a w or something like that so i mean they've got a w okay it's a w v please um but it was that's what eight french lessons will get you w w it was when france it was then in fr that Mary adopted the French spelling of the surname. So, she changed it from S-T-E-W-A-R-T to the more French S-T-U-A-R-T. And that changed the whole family from then on.

Yes. But before that, they were the same spelling as you. Absolutely. Some people, I've had, I've had, you stewards. This filth. I've had you stewards, this filth. I've had some of them come up to me trying to say that they were the original spelling, and it makes me fucking furious.

What do you say to them? Well, I just sort of politely go, I don't think that's right. And they go, no, it is. And I go, all right. All right, next time, if I'm there too, we'll come up with a code word, you bring me in, and I'll fucking go, it is. I go, all right. All right. Next time, if I'm there too, we'll come up with a code word. You bring me in and I'll fucking go on.

Okay. What's the code word? Because we've got to, well, no, we can't come up with that on pod. Oh, okay. It has to be a secret code word. Yeah, good one. Sorry. But, you know, Matt, we've got to protect your sweet boy reputation.

But I've ruined mine already. You just savage them. Yeah. She'll turn on a dime. All right. And on anybody who says, my Maddie's wrong, I'll fucking kill you. Yeah, wow. She'll kill.

Yeah. Sorry, I blacked out. Your Honour. I don't recall killing anyone. I don't think I did, Your Honour. That's so weird that Justice appeared and Jason Statham appeared in the room. Maybe I'm good at voices did, Your Honour. It's so weird that Justice appeared and Jason Statham appeared in the room. Maybe I'm good at voices. Yeah, you are.

I'm a Megalodon. He's the Megalodon. Is that what happens in part two? I haven't seen it, but yeah, I assume he is a Megalodon. He is a Megalodon. I have seen it and I can confirm that's right. Megalodon. So she becomes the French steward.

And in fact, because she grew up and came of age in France, Britannica writes, French now became her first language. And indeed, in every other way, Mary grew into a French woman rather than a Scot. Yeah, I'm disappointed because I like the Scottish accent. It was nice imagining that, but now I've got to imagine French, an ugly language. Yeah, hideous. Hideous language.

Oh, disgusting to listen to. So unsexy. Yeah. Everybodyous. Hideous language. Oh, disgusting to listen to. So unsexy. Yeah. Everybody says it. Everybody knows it. I wonder how she becomes Queen of Scots. Because right now it feels more like she's Queen of Franques. Is it okay to say that?

Is that right? Is that what they call themselves? Franques. Franques. Because they don't have a word for France in France. Have you heard that before? Oh, yeah. It's a beautiful language. A lot for France in France. Have you heard that before? Ah, yeah. It's a beautiful language.

A lot of holes in it, though. Is that true or is that a joke? Well, they don't call themselves France. They don't? No. Francais? France. France.

They don't call themselves France. They don't. It's ridiculous. Do they know how they sound? We go over there and we say, hello, it's nice to be here in France, and they're like, I do not know what you're talking about. Frenchies. They never understand what anyone's talking about in French.

Pardon? Stuff like that. Sorry. Hey, you don't speak in my accent. How do you think everyone's just going to speak in everyone's accent all of a sudden? Figure it out. Australians, we're very adaptable and we're not sensitive at all. If you don't say it exactly perfect, I've got no idea what you're saying.

That's Matt having a breakdown in Moulin Rouge. Sir, your seat is this way. What the fuck are you talking about? Where am I sitting? See, that would seem ridiculous, wouldn't it? Now flip it around. Yeah, your seat at the MCG is just over here, love. I do not understand.

At the MCG. That's our Moulin Rouge. Two very cultural sites. Beautiful place for art. So Mary, she was reportedly very beautiful with long red hair and not her value because she was also very intelligent and learned to speak French, Italian, Spanish and Latin, enjoyed hunting, writing poetry, dancing and horse riding.

When she was older, she would apparently dress as a stable boy and ride incognito around Edinburgh. Love that. Was it fun? She was also, by many accounts, an extremely charming woman and anyone who spoke to her would fall under her spell. Does that remind you of anybody? Well, I've got her blood, so yeah, I assume it does.

I've got it in a little vial. I've got it, Blast. I got it. I went there and I got it. Now I have it. It's mine. I got it on the dark web. It was so weird.

I got 50 litres of it. I said, is that a lot? And they were like, yeah, it's a fair bit. I've got all their blood. I've got it all. I reckon they were milking it or something. So weird. 50 litres.

How much blood do we have in us? I think it was like It was 7 or 8 litres or something Or was it 3 or 4? Fuck Google it quick Jessica I need to know I sound like an idiot Because you can only give like a pint's worth

When you're donating blood right? At a time Yeah sure But then it makes more That's what's crazy We milked it for a whole lot How many litres of blood? It's a weird thing to Google.

Five litres. There we go. Great. Somewhere between what I was saying. An average adult has just under five litres of blood circulating around the body. That's from blood.gov.au. Oh, yeah. I trust blood.gov.au.

I think what we did was we took her five litres, waited until she regenerated, took another five, repeated the process. Back in Scotland, her mother, remember, also called Mary, ruled Scotland as her regent. So she's technically still Queen of Scotland, but because she's under 18, mum's in charge. And like her mother, Mary was reportedly very tall.

In fact, she was a giant for the time, standing 180 centimetres or 5 foot 11. I read one article in the BMJ Medical Journal, try to put it into context. It says she was 5 foot 11 in height when the average woman was around 4 foot 11. Whoa. Yeah, okay. She's huge. So they've worked it out. She was the equivalent of a woman these days who would be 6 foot 5 in comparison to other

people. Yeah, wow. Tall. And they write she was probably one of the tallest women in Europe. I don't understand how 180 centimetres is 5'11". Yeah, I think 182 is 6 or 183 is 6'11". Yeah, it's crazy that it's just like... Because I'm 170 and I'm 5'7".

That makes sense. She's four inches taller than you. I know. I'm just saying. It's only 10 centimetres difference, but it's a lot of inches. Four. I've never seen you do a regret face. But can I just say four inches is huge.

I've never seen you do a regret face. But can I just say four inches is huge. Sorry. So basically if she wanted to, she could play for the Opals. Absolutely. Of the day. Probably not the Opals though because that's Australian. Right, but part of the Commonwealth.

Oh, yeah, true. Which probably didn't exist at this time. I don't know. Probably. Well, Australia is a country. I don't think the Opals did. Interesting points. Yeah, no, would have probably played.

I don't think basketball existed now that we're talking about it. God. But she would have played for the equivalent. She was really ahead of her time. Of the Australian women's basketball team. Yes. If it had existed. Australia or basketball or women. Or women's basketball or the Opals or the women.

If women existed, yes. Australia is a country. As a place, it did exist. the women. If women existed, yes. Australia is the country. As a place, it did exist. Absolutely did. I don't want anyone- And so did Opals. I don't want anyone out there thinking, hang on, when did the land of Australia-

Just pop up. I'm just talking about the name, the word Australia. Yes. The country, there was quite a lot of nations here before then. That's correct. And like I said, Opals too. Opals were here also. Yeah.

I think they were starting to form around this time. They were starting to come good. So, yeah, she's a Lauren Jackson of her day. That's right. A perfect example. Thank you. Can't exist. Yeah, she's like, when she's a foot taller than the average, yeah.

Than an average person. That's very tall. In April 1558, at the age of 15, Mary married the 14-year-old Dauphin Francis in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Mary Stuart was very fond of white and insisted on wearing that colour, even though white was regarded as the colour of mourning in 16th century France. Really?

So what colour would you wear to a wedding typically? Black. Maybe. I don't know. I flipped it. I didn't know. Interesting. Because now it's sort of like, obviously white's a wedding typically? Black. Maybe. I don't know. I flipped it. Didn't know. Interesting. Because now it's sort of like, obviously white's a wedding colour, but you can wear whatever

the fuck you want. Yeah. But it's kind of cool that all the way back then she's like, no, I'm going to wear what I like. I like this colour. That's cool. Either that or she was like, I don't want to marry this guy. I'm in mourning.

Or she's thinking, I'm mourning my single life. Yeah. Her father-in-law, the King of France, soon died from injuries sustained whilst thinking, I'm mourning my single life. Yeah. Her father-in-law, the King of France, soon died from injuries sustained whilst jousting. That'll do it. Pretty badass. That'll do it. And Mary became both Queen of Scotland and Queen of France with her husband, King Francis II.

Frankie. Not bad, not bad, haven't you, in your teens to become Queen of two countries now? I don't know. It's just like, you know, I thought I was a bit of an overachiever because in grade six I was blue team captain and school captain. Wow. Was that the first time that had ever happened? Probably.

They didn't think about sharing the leadership positions around? No, I was just a natural leader. Okay, great. And they wanted to foster that in 12-year-old Jess. I think that's nice. And you obviously grew up to be school captain as well. I mean drama captain. Drama captain.

Sorry. Again, the leadership. Sorry. It's strong in me. But she's leading two countries, and I can't help but feel like that maybe trumps being school captain and blue team captain. I don't know.

I see both of them as a country in themselves. Okay, great. Oh, cool. All right. Then, yeah, I can relate of them as a country in themselves. Okay, great. Oh, cool. All right, then, yeah, I can relate. Great. Also in 1558. Sorry, Dave. According to lovetoknow.com.

Here we go. I'dlovetoknow.com. Although there were a few exceptions, such as Mary, Queen of Scots, who wore a white dress to her wedding in 1558, women typically wore other colours which could have included blue, red, yellow, green or even grey. So just colours. They just wore a coloured dress. I love how it's not did, could have included.

Could have. For example, I've thought of these colours and I've written them down. So it shouldn't be called love to know. It should be called love to speculate. Love to have a guess. That's interesting. I wonder when white sort of became there. Apparently just 1840, according to this.

I've just Googled and this came up on a page called wikipedia.org. I guess it's like wedding Wikipedia. Yeah, cool. Yeah. Yeah, use that data. 1840. Actually use that website to plan my wedding. Very useful.

Yeah, right. Queen Victoria. She was the one that kicked it off. Obviously ripping off Mary, Queen of Scots. Yeah, wow. 300 years later. Also in 1558 in England, her cousin Elizabeth I was crowned Queen of England. And she had no children.

This meant that Mary was next in line to the throne in England as well. Oh, she's racking them up. Really? Yeah. And also they're Queen of England and Ireland at the time. Oh, yeah. So she has got the chance to do- She's like a Voltron type. Yeah, put also they're Queen of England and Ireland at the time. Oh, yeah. So she has got the chance to do- She's like a Voltron type.

Yeah, put them all together. She's got France, Scotland, potential to add England and Ireland as well. That's only if Elizabeth doesn't have children, so we'll see what happens. In fact, many Catholics believed that Henry VIII's marriage to Elizabeth's mother, Anne Boleyn, was invalid because he divorced his first wife, and they don't believe in divorce. was invalid because he divorced his first wife, and they don't believe in divorce. They therefore thought that Elizabeth's claim to the throne was illegitimate, and that Mary was therefore the rightful Queen of England. Right, yeah.

In fact, this was the position stated by Mary's father-in-law, the King of France, before he died. He claimed the thrones of England and Ireland and Mary, Queen of Scots' name, and this decision got Elizabeth's attention and both outraged and disconcerted her. All of this was the beginning of a very famous rivalry between the queens, Mary and Elizabeth, that would last over 25 years, during which time the two would write many letters back and forth. I didn't realise it was going to get that nasty. Yeah. Come on, girls. Let's play nice.

Get me my quill. The Twitter spat of the day. Let's just say the letters were written. Okay. Sometimes they were very loving and Elizabeth would sign off, your most assured sister and cousin. Okay. So sometimes it would be quite nice.

Just instantly sort of contradicting herself there. Which one is it? Oh, that royal family. Oh, yeah, probably. Very possibly both. Could be your mum as well. Other times they would try and put each other in their place with regards to claims to the throne or try and sort of outdo each other a bit. It's a strange relationship that takes many forms over the two and a half decades,

but it starts with Elizabeth being affronted that Mary had family saying that she should be Queen of England and Ireland as well as Scotland and France, and Elizabeth obviously was not happy to hear that. So that's what started the chain of letters. That sounds like she's a little insecure in herself. Instant cure. Yeah. She sounds insecure to me.

An instant cure. An instant cure for the blues. Write an angry letter. That was just cruel, Jess. What? I'm just agreeing with you. She sounds insecure. Is it cruel to back up a friend?

Yeah. Sorry. I know we're usually the sass twins, but this time I just felt like being supportive. Why are you acting like a French person right now? If you don't say it perfectly, I don't understand what you're talking about. What are you saying?

I don't know what it means. Why are you acting like a French person? Big love to all our French listeners. I know there's some great French listeners out there. Just a bit of fun. A bit of fun amongst friends. A bit of fun. I love your language.

I'm doing the lessons right now. But don't say anything about us. We cannot handle it. We are very... We're givers. We're not takers. We're not takers. We cannot handle it.

Please. We're very fragile. Let us shit all over you. Yes. End of conversation. Because that's what we do. That's our culture. That's right. We're larri. Let us shit all over you. Yes. End of conversation. Because that's what we do. That's our culture. That's right.

We're larrikins. Yeah. We like to make fun. Exactly. But you do not dare make fun of us. We cannot take it. We do not like it. He can't bully the bully.

We don't like it. It's not allowed. Stop it. That's very true what we're saying. We're saying it like a joke, but it's true. It's not true, yeah. Please don't make fun of us. Please, no mean tweets. Something that we It's very true what we're saying. We're saying it like a joke, but it's true. It's not true, yeah. Please don't make fun of us. Please, no mean tweets.

Something that we really need to work on as a nation. I can't handle it. As a nation. As a naish. Sadly for Mary, her reign as Queen of France was short-lived as 1560 was an absolute shocker of a year for her. First, her husband Francis died, leaving her a widow at just 18, which is obviously a bummer personally,

and she also stopped being the queen as the king's younger brother took the throne. Right. How did he die? Do you know? I think it was just – no, I do remember. Actually, he got an ear infection that moved into his brain. Whoa. Damn.

Which is nasty. An inner ear infection. That's full on. Doesn't get much more inner ear than your brain. So, in one ear, it came out the other. Yeah, jeez. His brain. Wow.

Now that is, that's no good for her. Or is it good for her? It's like, you know, she's got one less responsibility now. Yes, but she's also, like in France she's quite safe because they're at the time a relatively stable and strong country. Right. Do they still, you know, see her as one of their own? Yeah, she probably could have stuck around, but also in 1560,

this is why it's such a bad year, back home in Scotland, her mother Mary, who'd been ruling on her behalf, died. Oh, man. So she said, I've got to go back to Scotland. Yeah. To take over my kingdom. That's right, because she's 18 now. She's 18.

I can be the ruler, and if I don't get back there, someone else will take over. So she's got to leave the safety of France, go be the ruler, and if I don't get back there, someone else will take over. So she's got to leave the safety of France, go back to Scotland, a place she hadn't been since she was a child, and returning home she encountered a nation in the turmoil of their own religious reformation as the nation had become Protestant while she was away, and to many she seemed like an alien queen from a different country and also a different religion.

They were like, you're not even Scottish. You're not even Protestant. I mean, yeah, she's fully raised in France. France. I apologise. Obviously, this is why she goes for the big rebranding. I imagine she gets her team around her and that's when they come up with Queen of Scots.

Yeah. Wait a minute, I'm not Scottish. She's wearing a lot of tartan. She's got a new logo. It really is the rebrand of the century because we all know her as Mary Queen of Scotland. Yeah. But the first 18 years, people were like, you're not. You're not.

You're French. Yeah. Like she's putting on a pretty bad Scottish accent, but she's trying. It's a hard one to go from French to Scottish, I reckon. That really, really is. And we mean such different things in the two countries as well. That's true. neither of them correct yeah

nah just joking so she went back she did her best to manage hostile Scottish noblemen who were pretty keen on protecting their own self-interests but she managed well with the aid of her half-brother the illegitimate James Stuart, the Earl of Moray. More on that James Stuart later. And more on this whole exciting story after these brief messages.

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18 plus subscription required. Teas and sees apply. So Mary's now widowed at just 18 and she looked to marry again. She hoped for a supportive partner and also to have an all-important heir. Many potential suitors were interested across the kingdom and Europe. One man really put himself out there. You can have a real go at this guy's name. A French courtier by the name of Pierre de Bossiquel de Chastelard,

who had fallen in love with Mary in France and he had become infatuated with her. Well, it could go either way. That could be sweet or creepy. Okay. What do you think of this? We're going to play a game called Sweet or Creepy now. Okay. Yep.

I want to play, but also it doesn't really matter what I think. All that matters is what Mary thinks. Yeah. Okay. Great. She's dead. So we can't even ask. All right.

All right. All right. So we'll have to defer to you. Sweet or creepy. I'm guessing just because you're asking a question, it's going to be creepy. It's going to be super sweet. Yeah. Because it's Dave. It's Dave asking. He's a sweetie pie. Yeah, I love sweetness. If it was me,

it'd be creepy. He travelled to Edinburgh and hid himself under her bed. Okay. Creepy. Hoping to jump... I'll finish the plan. Hoping to jump out and declare his love. I love you! From under her bed.

Sweet or creepy? It's getting sweeter. The loverly sweetened, give a little sweetness. Yeah. He was discovered by her maids of honour. I can only assume one of the Marys. Queen Mary pardoned the offence, but then he snuck in to see her again at a time where it turns out she was about to disrobe.

An awkward time to walk back into the bedroom. Oh, yeah. He accidentally walked in. Yeah. I'm not sure. I don't want to put any shade on this guy. I don't know if it was on purpose. Is this a royal family or one of the Porky's movies?

I think he's timed it poorly because she was about to disrobe. So he's like, ah, fuck, I'll come back. I'll come back. But according to Britannica, he was discovered again, seized, sentenced and then hanged the next morning. The fuck? That really escalated. Yeah, pardon once.

Shame on you. Shame on you. The second time around, you're getting hanged. He's gone about it in a weird way. Exactly. Can't get fooled again. Can't get fooled again. Now watch this draft.

Now watch this hang. Wow. Okay. So that's a potential suitor He went Kind of the rom-com route Of a big gesture Yes but

And he died for it Imagine in a rom-com At the 60 minute mark They hang the suitor And then she just marries Some other guy You haven't met yet What the fuck

What is happening Amazing Do they normally The rom-coms They do some Slightly off Big gestures But they're normally Like standing on a table In the cafeteria Yeah Oh, amazing. Do they normally, the rom-coms, they do some slightly off big gestures, but they're normally like standing on a table in the cafeteria.

Yeah. Not hiding under their bed. Yeah. That is a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah. Personally, it's not something I would do. Hide under a bed? No.

Okay. Too claustrophobic. I bought you a bed, so I was hoping you'd hide under it. Great. If it's a nice high-legged bed. No, now I've got to return it to Captain Snooze. Hope you're happy. So they've got to find a husband for Mary.

One of the weirdest proposals came from Elizabeth, remember her rival cousin, writing a letter saying that Mary should marry her friend, Lord Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester. This was a strange suggestion for a few reasons. Dudley was the son of a traitor, had possibly killed his first wife by pushing her down the stairs, and was probably Queen Elizabeth's ex-boyfriend. He sounds like a catch. Sounds like Elizabeth's trying to get rid of him.

You should marry my ex. I mean, Dudley. She was telling Mary to marry him, and she even suggested in a letter that the three of them could live together in the royal court in England. I heard one historian describe it as one of history's weirdest menage a trois. Oh, it happens. No. Oh, would it be?

Yeah, Elizabeth was pretty keen on it, they seem to think. Elizabeth, most people think, knew Dudley would remain loyal to her, so it was her way of getting a spy into England, getting basically her ex to do us a favour and marry my cousin. Maybe push her down the stairs. Exactly. Mary declined, which really offended Elizabeth, and ended up making her own choice, which really offended Elizabeth.

Elizabeth's like, oh, you don't want to marry my fucking sloppy seconds. Oh, okay. This weirdo. Fine. Wow. This son of a traitor and murderer. Wow. Weird. Okay. Elizabeth weirdo. Fine. Wow. This son of a traitor and murderer. Wow. Weird.

Okay. Elizabeth's starting to sound easily offended. Dear Elizabeth. So Mary went with a tall and hot man. Great choice for a hubby. Someone she'd recently fallen for, a man by the name of Henry Stuart Lord Darnley. Already a Stuart. Already a Stuart, yes.

He was her cousin. But he spelled his name right No What But maybe he changed it Because every Stuart was like Oh that's how we're doing it now I don't know And if you can point to one first event

In a long chain of destruction It probably starts with her second husband Darnley What It was just Wow It was not a good choice Darnley was both Elizabeth and Mary's cousin But he's tall and hot

Exactly So I don't see how he could be a bad choice. Darnley was both Elizabeth and Mary's cousin. But he's tall and hot. Exactly. So I don't see how he could be a bad choice. How could he be bad? A hot cousin. A tall, hot cousin. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Sign me up.

God, you guys be so lucky. I have a lot of tall cousins. Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, they're married. Someone got in there first. Well, this is her second wedding. Yes. So still time Yes, fantastic

So, Darnley was related to both Mary and Elizabeth And because of this, he was actually the nearest heir To both the Scottish and, after Mary, English thrones Right This move pissed off Elizabeth Because it looked like Mary was shoring up her own claim To the English throne By being like, I'm next in line

And my husband is next in line after that. So together we're really next in line. It's so funny that she's like, oh, she's annoyed. Oh, you're shoring up your claims. I'm trying to shore up my claims. How dare you? You're doing the thing that I'm trying to do. How dare you do that awful thing that I'm trying to also do?

She had a good political mind, Elizabeth. I'm just saying Elizabeth was a bit of a hypocrite. Whoa. Yeah, I don't think anyone would have said that before, but I'm not afraid of her anymore. Because she's dead? Yeah, mainly. She was alive.

You better believe I'd be saying edit that out. As well as frequently described as being very good looking, the rest of the descriptions of Mary, Queen of Sc' new husband, Darnley, are not so nice. Britannica describes Darnley as weak, vicious, and yet ambitious. Oh, that's a horrible combination. A terrible combination. He loved to drink, was very promiscuous, reportedly bisexual, having many affairs, and possibly had syphilis. Okay.

But he was tall and hot. Yeah. Can't forget that. I'm like, all the things you're saying, I'm like, so? Yeah. Tall and hot. Exactly. Of course he sucks.

He's tall and hot. Yeah. They suck, but they're so beautiful. Oh my God. Like many men in this story, he was clearly hoping to use Mary to further his own grip on power. He was named King of scotland but mary wasn't really keen on being sidelined by her husband and giving him all the power

he saw her as his subordinate and she's like no you're my subordinate i'm the queen he was not happy with that and that's good in a marriage i think making it very clear who's the subordinate yes i think it's important i think it's very important normally you'd say ideally each of the people in the relationship think the other one's better than that would oh wow i mean that's a nice thought isn't it yeah but i know where i stand in mind and you're both on the same page oh yeah you know that sounds like and that we both think the other one's better matt what you're saying sounds like classic subordinate to me. Yeah. I think you're a subordinate. Beta. We both think the other one's better, right?

Yeah. Of course. Yeah, sure. For sure. So, hang on. Now, he- This is something I only really started to understand recently. The king-

He's the king consort? Or is back then he was just king king? He's named like king. Yeah. But she's sort of stopping him from actually being, so she's still more senior to him. But he was hoping by, I'll get in, I'll become king, I'll sideline her. Yeah.

And she's like, absolutely not. Because the current, like the current English king, what's his, Charles? Yes. The something. He married to Fergie, right? Camilla. Camilla. I guess that's too confusing.

And Camilla, she's not the queen. She's the queen's consort. Is that right? I think she's just named- I think they decided to name her just queen. Okay. Yeah, that's stuff that's confusing. Yeah, it is a bit.

So they can pick each time. And Queen Elizabeth was with Prince Philip, so he wasn't king. Yeah. Yeah. But in this case, but this is going back so long. Yes. Mary's husband is given the title of king. And it's a different system.

It's the Scottish king and queen. Yeah. Yes. And look, yeah, so Camilla officially dropped her consort from her title just before the coronation. But then I think, like, it's not like when Charles dies, she stays on as queen. Right.

William will come in, like when Queen Elizabeth II's mother became the queen's mother. Yes, that's right, yep. That became her new, whatever one called her. Queen mother, yep. Yeah. But, yes, here. It's definitely, it still feels like a fresh and vital system.

Yes, yeah, yeah. It just makes sense. It makes sense. Yeah, no, when we say it like that, it still feels like a fresh and vital system. Yes, yeah, yeah. It just makes sense. It makes sense. Yeah, when we say it like that, it just makes sense. You're like, yes, of course they're Australia's head of state. You hear it out loud and you just go, I love it. I loved watching, I didn't watch The Coronation, but it's nice just seeing the jewels and the luxury

while so many people can't afford food. It's so good, isn't it? Yes. It makes sense. Exactly. The way it used to be. Yeah. You know?

Peasants. Yeah. People with jewels. Never the two shall meet. Bringing it back. Bringing it back. So mature. It's good.

Traditional values. So, Darnley wants to be king, king of Scotland. And honestly, he would have been a terrible king because it seems like no one else liked him. All the nobles were against him. And even Mary's half-brother, James Stuart, who had supported her up until this point, despite being a Protestant, she being Catholic, he began to stop his support when she married Darnley. He was like, you're on your own now.

And he became an enemy to her. Oh, wow. By Christmas 1565, the royal couple were estranged, even though Mary was pregnant with Darnley's baby. And I don't really need to give you too many reasons to join everyone else in hating Darnley. Really, I can just tell you one story and you will be off him. All right, challenge accepted.

He got ugly. Get rid of him. Hit the bin. And he also shrunk. So he had nothing to offer now. Two things he had going for him that Jess was really intrigued by. In the bin. And he also shrunk. Yeah. So he had nothing to offer now. Two things he had going for him that Jess was really intrigued by. Tall and hot.

Hello. Hello. So Mary's private secretary was an Italian man by the name of David Rizzio. He started as a musician, but the Queen really trusted him and then she gave him promotions and he became her secretary. A real trusted advisor, confidant. Lord Darnley, her husband, was reportedly jealous of how close Rizzio was with the Queen and possibly suspected that Rizzio was the mother

of Mary's unborn child. The father. Yeah. He's like, it's probably his. Yeah, but you said suspected he was the mother. Oh, sorry, sorry. Yes, I've written mother. So technically, Jess, I'm just reading my own writing. the mother oh sorry sorry yes i've even i've written i've written mother so technically jess

i'm just reading my own writing i thought i had a micro sleep i was trying to help wait what what's going on do you mind backing over that let me i'll restate that restate that for everyone he thought that rizzio was possibly the father of mary's unborn child that's what he thought yeah which is wild because it's more likely that Darnley was the one who was having an affair with David Rizzio. Right. Because Darnley, it seems like from the stories, he would just bang everyone.

Yeah. But back then, people didn't know how biology worked that well. He might have thought maybe I got Rizzio's jizz. Yeah, I'm listening. And I took it over to Mary. Oh, okay. And that's his fault. That's Rizzio's jizz. And I took it over to Mary. And that's his fault. That's Rizzio's fault. Keep it away from me. Yeah.

How dare you? How dare you? How dare you spill your seed on me and then me take it over to my wife? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? You dog. You dog.

You philistine. He slaps him with one of those gloves like they did in the olden days. Yeah. Well, much worse, actually. In March 1566, Mary had just begun supper with Rizzio and some friends in Holyrood Palace when Darnley and possibly up to 80 men stormed in, took over the palace, and burst into the room where Mary and Rizzio were eating. Another guy, Lord Ruthven, was there,

and he was wearing a full suit of armour. And they were like, what the fuck's this guy doing here? Why is he wearing his suit? It's clunking around. And they were trying to eat grapes and shit. He's just clunking along. So ridiculous. Trying to sneak in to take over the castle and he's, oh, God.

Every step sounds like you've dropped a box of cutlery down the stairs. Every step sounds exactly like that. Is that a suit of armour coming towards our room? Oh, my God, I think they've even put armour on the chickens. The turkeys are wearing armour. The turkeys are going into battle. The attack turkeys are here, sir. Ready whenever you give the order.

Hold. I said hold. Hold. Now give the turkeys the charge order. Okay. Once more into the breach, dear turkeys, on my count. Hold. Hold.

And attack! I'm sorry, my lord. The turkeys have been hacked down. They will make for a delicious dinner. We really thought they'd make more of a dent. Apparently they're quite easy. There was a lot of... That's got to be one of the dumbest things we've ever done. So, Lord Ruthven's clunking around in a full suit of armour.

Now, Ruthven, a turkey? Honestly, it's not far off what you said, Matt. He walked up to Rizzio and accused him of offending the honour of the Queen. I'm not sure whether he slapped him with his metal hand in the suit of armour. I don't know. Mary was like, what the hell are you talking about? Stand down. And Rizzio got really scared and hid behind Mary.

But Ruthven pulled out a knife and stabbed him and then dragged Rizzio out of the room. Meanwhile, Mary herself was held at gunpoint and made to stay in the room. All the while, David Rizzio was murdered in the hallway outside, being stabbed 56 times. Oh, my God. And his body was thrown down the stairs. And then what? Just left there? Yeah, just left there.

Waiting for hard rubbish day. And they can take ages if you time it wrong. Got to book them in now. Yeah. And then she. Another thing on the freaking list. Okay. I don't know.

It's just like get online and do it. But still. Just the mental task of doing it, you know? Yeah. I've already got emails to write. Now I've got to get Ritzio picked up. You've got to find the right category for what it is. So is it furniture?

Is it green waste? Is it human waste? I guess it's green waste. Human waste? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. There doesn't seem to be an option here for bodies. So now I'm going to have to call them.

I'm on hold. for bodies. So now I'm going to have to call them. I'm on hold. And now, because I've been on hold so long, the slot for Tuesday that I wanted is taken. Now I've got to wait a fortnight. Fuck. It's going to stink by then.

It'll be fricking disgusting by then. It'll be awful. Rotten away. Great. Now I've got to put up with that. Oh, now we've got stinking Rizzo. Will I stay on the. Now I've got to put up with that. Oh, now we've got stinking Ritzo. Will I stay on the line for a quick survey?

Yes, I will. Yes, you will. I've got a few thoughts. Now, does one mean good or ten mean bad? You tell me. I'm doing the bad one. So, Ruthven, apparently after killing him, came back in. This is so ridiculous. Clums back in.

And said, I'm a bit tired. Anyone got any wine? Oh, okay. Just trying to play it cool. And the queen was most distressed. Her close friend has just been murdered. And she confronted Darnley, her husband, wanting to know why he'd been part of such a wicked deed.

And he replied that she had been cuckolded, that she had cuckolded him with Rizzio. Oh, that was a Freudian slip by her husband there. Yeah. I'm a cuck. Oh, no. Hang on. No. And that Rizzio was to blame for the problems in their marriage.

Oh, yeah. So there you go. It's always good to have a third party to blame. Yeah. Especially when they're recently dead and they can't defend themselves. You defend themselves or change their behaviours. Yeah. That feels like he dealt with that pretty well.

Yeah. I think, what else could you have done? What's his name? Darnley. Darnley. Dastardly more like it. Whoa. Cop that.

Sorry, that was a bit much. No, no, no. I think it was just enough. Yeah. I love how detailed it is. This is something that happened, what, nearly 550 years ago or something. And they know that he came back in and asked for a wine, saying he was tired.

If you're tired, do you want a wine? Maybe if he really wants to relax. Get an espresso martini. Let's party. Anyone got any Coke? Yeah, exactly. Snorting off an armour. Yeah.

So do you know who, some one of them there obviously kept a diary or something? Yeah, there's a lot has been written down from this period. They had their official biographers in the room. Just scrubbing away. It's just crowded. And then he said, I'd like some, hey, don't write that down. Or can I read that back? Do I sound good?

Yeah. Clunking around in armour. What the fuck? It's probable that the murder of Rizzio was the start of a full coup to depose Mary, but she was able to convince her husband, Darnley, to escape with her, so she got out of there safely. But it's safe to say that the honeymoon was over between these two. Mary and Darnley's son, James, was born three months later

on the 19th of June, 1566. Mary named Queen Elizabeth protector of her infant son. So they're obviously having a good period in their letters at this point. 1566, that's exactly 400 years before the saints won their premiership. Do you think that's a correlation? Yeah. 400 years after James was born. Very important figure in Scottish and English history.

This will be James I. Oh, I know a bit about it. That's my family, after all. Yeah. My super inbred family. No, these are actually the ones with the U. This isn't mine. I'm the E.W. Stewart.

Yes, that's fine. You're okay. Yeah. But what goes around comes around, and this is the part that was suggested by Josh Curry. Thank you for your suggestion, Josh. On the night of February 9th, 1567, Mary's dodgy second husband, Lord Darnley, was at home in Kirko Field on the outskirts of Edinburgh, recovering from an illness, when his house was blown up. Whoa.

Fully exploded with gunpowder. What? I was thinking fire. I was not thinking explosion. They sploded it. Whoa. Full sploge. And Darnley's body was found.

But it's so strange. It wasn't in the exploded house. Darnley and a servant were found outside in an orchard nearby, only half clothed and apparently having been strangled rather than killed in the explosion. Oh, so they were trying to cover it up or something? So what they think is that they tried to blow them up. They survived.

They made a break for it, you know, in the middle of the night, so they're half-dressed in their dressing gowns or whatever. I wrote a very different story. Oh, what was your story? They're boning in the orchard. Oh. Right. That's why they're semi-clothed.

Yeah. And his lover accidentally strangles him, you know, with a bit of rough stuff gone too far. Yeah, yeah. Bit of rough wooing, if you will. No, code words being used. Yeah, exactly. And he's like, ooh, what do I do?

And he's like, I'll cover my tracks by blowing up his house. But he forgot to put the body in there first. I'll cover my tracks, I'll blow up my house, then I'll strangle myself. Oh, that's what, no, I'm thinking the lover, not the husband. But they were both strangled. Mm, yes. And then he strangled himself.

So what most people think is they tried to blow him up in the house. That's the bit that's hard to explain. Yeah. Use a bit of imagination. When you say half-clothed, I did imagine top-no-pants. Could have been the other way around. But I definitely imagined Winnie the Pooh style. Yeah.

It's probably the worst option for a fella. But also, back then, you know, they're wearing a lot. Dangling out there. They're wearing more clothes back then, you know. Does Winnie the Pooh dangle down? Nah. No, he's not a dangler. Dangles up.

Oh, yeah. He must tuck up into the shirt. He must be an uptucker. And so, yeah, they found the two bodies. Most people think that they escaped, but then there were lots of men there, and they outnumbered them, strangled them in the field, and they were basically

trying to make it look like they died in the explosion, but then they panicked and just left the bodies. But Darnley's death remains one of the great unsolved historical mysteries. Whoa. But it has great historical consequence for Mary. Mary, understandably, hears about her house being blown up, then strangled. She starts to fear for her own life, and she wasn't sure who to trust.

She was also seen as one of the number one suspects for the murder of her own husband, as was James Hepburn, the Earl of Bothwell, a man who she had been close to. Bothwell was put on trial and acquitted of the murder, although several of his servants were found guilty and executed, probably as scapegoats. They were taken to the block shouting, no, it was Bothwell. But it was then widely rumoured that Bothwell would marry Mary. Her cousin, Queen Elizabeth down in England, heard this rumour, jumped in and wrote Mary a letter advising her to distance herself

from this man who was associated with the death of her second husband. She's like, this is not a good look. Do not marry this man. But Queen Mary married Bothwell the following month. Fuck you, Elizabeth. Three months after Darnley's murder. Honestly, in terms of throwing off suspicion, it was not a good look for her, but it probably wasn't what it seems because after he was found not guilty

of the murder of Darnley, when Mary was on her way to Edinburgh, Bothwell suddenly appeared with an army of 800 men. He assured her that danger awaited in Edinburgh and told her that he proposed to take her to his castle at Dunbar out of harm's way. And you'll look after her. A castle that she had given him, by the way. And she went with the man that she trusted. Also, she didn't have much choice because he had 800 men in his company, much more than

she had. So, you know, she's like, all right, I've got to go with him. And this is trigger warning for sexual assault here. Skip ahead to avoid. I won't go into any detail, but many historians believe that Bothwell then raped Mary in order to force her, a devout Catholic woman, to marry him. Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. That's what most people, well, a lot of historians, some people say they don't believe that part, but being a very Catholic woman, she thought that she had to marry him, which she did. In her letters, however, Queen Mary defended her choice of husband, stating that she felt that she and the country were in danger and that Lord Bothwell was proven both in battle and as a defender of Scotland. So basically, she marries him, and they were both very unpopular in Scotland after this.

On both sides of the church, they were sort of losing him on all sides. Bothwell had only divorced his wife 12 days before marrying Mary. Jesus. And the Catholics, who didn't believe in divorce, didn't recognise that the marriage was valid. And both Protestants and Catholics were shocked that Mary would marry the man accused of murdering her husband. And it looks like she'd been plotting with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a good look.

Not a good look. The marketing team is just pulling their hair out. How can we spin this yeah yeah so it was just her it was her religious beliefs that made her think that she had to marry him probably yeah and couldn't tell the truth and awful basically at the time a lot of people like i said in this story a lot of men use mary to get their own power they see it as if they capture the queen then they they can capture the power. Is this chess? I don't understand chess. Yeah. That could have been a great reference or nothing.

What were you yelling? It's this chess? I love a character that doesn't know what chess is. Just pointing at stuff. Is this chess? No, I'm just like- She could move all the way around the board. I just heard capture the queen and I was like, chess.

So, checkmate. Chess Perkins strikes again. Chess Perkins. She can't be stopped. She can't be stopped. People try to stop her. They say, chess, stop. You don't know chess.

Please stop. You don't know what chess is. I keep going. I'll never stop talking about chess. 26 Scottish peers known as the Confederate Lords turned against Mary and Bothwell and raised their own army. Mary and Bothwell confronted the Lords at Carberry Hill in June, but there was no battle as Mary's forces dwindled away through desertion during negotiations, so people just sort of bailed on her.

Bothwell fled and headed to Europe, but he was captured near Norway. He was then sent to Copenhagen where the Danish monarch Frederick II deliberated on his fate. He thought about it and considered that Mary would probably never be Queen of Scotland again. He decided that Bothwell was useless and he imprisoned him for 10 years, where reportedly he was chained to a wall in a way that meant he couldn't stand up properly, because it was so low, and he went mad. Terrible end for a terrible man. I love that bit. It's awful, though, isn't it?

Ten years of being chained to a wall where you can't stand up. My God, awful. Awful. But he's gone. Meanwhile, Mary was herself imprisoned in a cramped tower in Loch Leven Castle. Why was this? Because they thought she did it still.

Yeah, and they're basically turning against her and they're like... For all these different reasons. And it's a plot just to get rid of her. So they locked her in a castle on an island in the middle of Loch Leven. Very hard to escape. She was threatened that if she didn't abdicate the Scottish throne that she would be murdered. So she signed a document that made her son James King.

He was only one at the time and a regent was chosen. This is what it was all about. Mary's half-brother who had turned against her, James Stuart, the Earl of Moray, who was behind the plot, became king basically as a regent. So that's what the whole plan was. Get rid of her, make the baby king. He's got no say and then her half-brother can take over the throne.

And he can figure out what he can do while the baby grows up. Yeah. Try to, I guess, mould baby James. Mould the baby, yes. And he did because James, who is James VI of Scotland, he was Protestant, unlike his mother who was Catholic, because these people were in charge. So she's been forced to give up being queen.

She's locked inside a castle on an island. She's locked up either way. Yeah, because they don't want her getting her own army and taking it back over. So they're like, well, keep her on an island. What's she going to do? How can she escape from here? A place that would be impossible to escape from unless you're as charming as Mary. She's really charming.

She was able to convince a young man in the castle to help her. Disguised in servant clothing, she escaped to a waiting boat and reached the shore safely, where an ally, George Douglas, was waiting to rescue her. According to marystewart.co.uk, it was her second attempt to escape. This is their words. Her first attempt, during which Mary disguised herself as the washerwoman who came to the island to deliver the laundry, failed because the boatman taking her back to the other shore recognised her hands, which were renowned for their elegance. Oh, get fucked.

Yeah, you can't. They're not washerwoman hands. Get fucked. Her hands were renowned. Famous hands. She should have been a teenage hand model. But she had other things to do. That's crazy.

Are you kidding me? Those hands have never washed clothing in their life. You must be a queen. What? What a leap. Yeah, you must be a queen. Back to the prison. What an absolute leap.

That's wild. So she escaped. And not going down without a fight, Mary, who was one of the only women in the world at this time to lead her troops into battle, raised an army of 6,000 men. She met her half-brother, James Stewart's smaller forces at the Battle of Langside. Unfortunately for her, she was defeated and had to flee. Oh, she had the bigger army. Yeah, so she led her army, but not in a great way, apparently. Well, and I also, I guess she didn't have a lot of time with them, right?

Yeah. He's probably there working with his army. They're doing army practice. They're doing icebreaker challenges. Doing drills. They're connecting. Yeah, they're playing Uno, but they know each other. They're going around the circle saying something about themselves.

Yep. Hi, I'm Chris. I've been in the army for four years and I've killed nine people. Hi, Chris. Hi, Chris. Two truths and a lie. His name isn't Chris. And i've killed nine people hi chris yeah two truths and a lie his name isn't chris and i've killed 10 people there's two lies and the truth sorry i don't know how the game works but it's interesting that she was able to raise a bigger army so she's obviously still

well liked and well supported yes there are catholic holdouts who very much still won her on the throne because you know now this this this Protestant guy is ruling through her baby son. So, she's defeated. Really, at this point, she had two choices. Again, it's a great system. The Protestant man is ruling through her baby son. Oh, yeah, this is a good system. It makes sense when you say it out loud.

Yes. So, at this point, she's got two choices. She could retreat to Catholic France, where she was once queen, or throw herself in the mercy of her letter-writing cousin, Elizabeth I, down in England. At the time, they were on good terms in the letters, so she went south. She thought that she would meet with Elizabeth, and Elizabeth would help restore her to the throne in England. Ah.

In Scotland. Bit of a gamble. That is not what happened. Mary arrived in England and was basically put under house arrest for a very, very long time, being moved from castle to castle, house to house. Elizabeth was- That sounds a lot better than the dungeon she was in, though.

Yeah, it is better than, like, a shitty castle on Marland. She's just couch surfing. We've all been there. Yeah, fantastic. Castle's just couch surfing. We've all been there. Yeah, fantastic. Castle surfing, even better. Still on couches, but in castles. That's not bad. It's not like being on a couch in a share house where eight people already live.

Flea ridden. Yeah, that's all right. Yeah, exactly. It's got the beautiful- It's been a bit of a diva, I think. Is she complaining? Oh, I'm a house arrest. No, I mean, you're just sleeping on a couch.

Yeah, you're at your friend's castle. Oh, woe is me. Yeah, come on, Mary. This is a rough woe. Yeah. Elizabeth was very politically cunning and used the excuse of the suspicion around Mary and the murder of her second husband to hold Mary in captivity. There was no evidence that Mary was involved in the plot against her husband.

But then, magically, some letters referred to as the casket letters appeared and seemed to show her writing letters to her third husband, Bothwell, planning the whole thing. But these are now accepted by most historians as being forgeries. Because they're like, we've got no, there's no evidence of this. Actually, here it is. There's a box full of it with you signing your name saying that you did it ink still wet yeah careful smudging why are they called the casket letters they're found in a casket oh like a like a coffin no i think it's more like just a box okay

is that what casket but yeah i guess like cask wine i guess huh Huh. Yeah. I think they were just hidden under someone's bed or something. And then people have looked at them and they're like, the dates don't even match up. They did that at the time or later? No, later. Now people have been like, they weren't even in the same place when they were writing. They were together.

Why were they writing letters to each other? Like, what's going on here? So, anyway. But basically, Elizabeth didn't want to properly convict a monarch because, after all, they're chosen by God. So, she was kind of- You'd be saying God got it wrong. And you don't want to properly convict a monarch because, after all, they're chosen by God. So she was kind of- You'd be saying God got it wrong. And you don't want to say that.

Can't say that. So instead she kept Mary in this state of limbo. During her years of imprisonment, Mary had her own servants, including a physician and a secretary. So it was a pretty nice couch she was sleeping on. She apparently needed 30 carts to transport her belongings from house to house. To pass the time, she enjoyed embroidery, played cards, had visitors, and kept pets

like dogs and birds. Oh, sounds awful. Sounds like fucking heaven. Sounds like the best option. Yes. Imagine not having to be the queen anymore. Yeah, you can just embroider. And just chilling out.

It's all the best things of being a queen. Hang out with your dog. Oh, my God. And none of the rough stuff, like people trying to kill you. None of the rough wooing. She wrote letters to her cousin, Elizabeth, who more than once said that she would visit, but she didn't. Some speculate she didn't want to come under the charming spell of Mary.

Wow. Face to face, you know? Clever. Yeah, you can't humanise the person you're keeping under house arrest in a castle. There's more than one occasion Elizabeth said she would come, but then she sent, like, someone in her place, like a messenger, and then Mary would ask, when's Elizabeth coming? And they'd, like, cleverly never answer the question.

Like, when's Elizabeth coming? Nice weather we're having. Yeah, look over your shoulder. What's that? That is clever. I don't know what he actually said, but, you know, apparently you just, like, never answered the question. When is Elizabeth coming?

When is anyone really coming? You know, Elizabeth, when she's coming or going, she's busy, isn't she? Yeah. She's fantastic, though, isn't she? That hair of hers, red, is it? I can't tell. Can you tell me? What's over there?

You'd be such a good messenger. Great messenger. Wow. And you don't get shot. And the beauty of it, Mary eventually goes, can you just stop talking? Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry about it.

I regret asking. I'm actually, I'm going to be tired. I might go have a nap, if you don't mind. I might go have a rest I regret asking. I'm bored. I'm actually going to be tired. I might go have a nap if you don't mind. And a wine. If you don't mind. I might go have a rest on the couch. Giving me some space. The whole time Mary was under house arrest, Elizabeth had all these advisors, particularly

her long-term chief advisor, William Cecil, in her ear telling her that she had to take care of Mary once and for all. William Cecil, a Protestant man, was truly paranoid that Mary, who was still somewhat of a Catholic icon, might be able to team up with another Catholic country in Europe like France or Spain and overthrow Elizabeth. That's so funny. I thought you meant literally take care of her, like look after her. No, I meant-

Finally, can you take care of her? Come on. Please, somebody. She's your cousin. She's royalty, for God's sake. Look after her. Let her go. She'll be fine.

She's nice. I've been charmed by her. She's charming. Yes, I've been charmed. No, he was like, you've got to kill her. He kept telling her, you have to kill Mary, but Elizabeth refused to do so and instead just kept her locked up. In the end, Mary, Queen of Scots, was imprisoned in England for 19 years.

Whoa. Wow. How old is she at this point? She's going to live beyond 40. Yeah, she's in her mid-40s. Whoa. All that royal blood. Her health suffered from the lack of physical exercise and not her value,

but according to Britannica, quote, her figure thickened, her beauty diminished, as can be seen in the best-known pictures of her in black velvet and white veil dating from 1578. So a lot of people, when they think of Mary, they imagine this image because it's the most famous portrait, but growing up, apparently she looked a lot different. But, yeah, she was growing older and also she was sort of basically

wasting away and not doing anything for two decades. It doesn't sound like she was wasting away. You said she was thickening up or something. Yes, well, her health apparently. What was that phrase? Her figure thickened. Her figure thickened. And her beauty diminished.

But she also suffered from physical ailments. Like I think her legs seized up and stuff like that. She found it harder to move as she got older. She grew up in the wrong era. If a figure thickened these days, people wouldn't be saying diminished. No. She'd be a thick queen. Literally.

That really got me. As time went by and the paranoia ratcheted up, so did restrictions on Mary. There were numerous plots to set Mary free. It is true to say. But not many of them actually involved Mary, who in the end was not allowed to communicate by letter. So they sort of had a problem where the advisors wanted

to catch Mary out plotting, but then they locked her up so much that she couldn't actually plot. So in the end, to catch her out, they had to loosen the restrictions and letters came in, including one from Sir Anthony Babington. What a great name. A great name. He suggested a plan to kill Elizabeth and put Mary back on the throne. The long-term goal of the plot was the invasion of England by the Spanish forces of King Philip

II and the Catholic League in France, leading to the restoration of the old religion and putting Mary back on the throne. After years of frustrating confinement, her health deteriorating, Elizabeth clearly not helping her, and not having seen her son since he was 10 months old, so she hasn't seen her son in 20 years either, Mary was desperate, and she wrote back to Babington in a coded letter agreeing to the plan. The only problem was that it was all a trick set up by Elizabeth Spymaster, which is a great job title, Spymaster, Sir Francis Walsingham, who had a double agent working on the inside and he intercepted all of the letters. And Mary replied, let the great plot commence, signed Mary. By signing her name there, Mary had essentially unknowingly also signed her own death warrant

because this gave Cecil, Elizabeth's advisor, the ammunition he needed to prove to his queen that Mary was plotting against her. Really, this is a nail in her coffin. Right. Okay. I don't know if this is going to finish like I thought because I assumed that she would return to the throne and be the Queen of Scotland, but it seems like she spent most of her life in jail

or imprisoned or on couches or in France. Yeah, the first time she spent like 18 years in France, 19 years in jail. The PR team has done a lot of good work. And then the first five years she was just a baby in Scotland. So there was maybe a couple of years in the middle where she was active as the queen. It does seem like babies have been the reigning monarch of Scotland

through a lot of this story. They love a baby monarch. A wee child. They love a wee monarch. Now, in France, that would mean a yes monarch. In Scotland, a small monarch In Australia A piss monarch

I know which one I respect the most Piss Absolutely If you hear the word we what would you think of first? Depends on the context Probably the collective term for us Yeah But I love

Because Kiwis say we like for small as well i love it yeah i wish i could pull it off i just can't scotland's i love the accent i love the language yeah i love the the lingo yep love it all so good beautiful place love the scottish highland coos did you love those coos i love those coos so cute well this part of the story is not great for scottish history because first of all so they found out the Babington plot, it's called, because of Babington writing the letter. Man, I fucking hate this Babington. Is that right?

No, I like Babington. Babington was right. He's the one that wrote to Mary and said, hey, I can help you escape and then we can kill... Oh, I love Babington. So that was real? That was real, but they had an agent, a double agent in the middle. I thought that was fake.

No, he was a real guy. He was trying to help. First of all, him and all the other plotters were arrested, then hung, drawn and quartered. A horrible way to die. That's the worst way to go. Awful stuff. Mary was then arrested and put on trial for treason and found guilty.

Nevertheless, her cousin Elizabeth hesitated to order her execution, even in the face of pressure from the English Parliament to carry out the sentence. She was concerned that the killing of a queen set a precedent of killing anointed monarchs, which up until this point, no one had done. Oh, so she's not, I don't want to kill my cousin. I don't want to set a precedent that means I might get killed. Exactly.

There's another reason. She was also fearful of the consequences, especially if in retaliation Mary's son James, who was King of Scotland, formed an alliance with the Catholic powers and invaded England. Right. That's what I mean. And then also I think she also feels a bit sorry for Mary. I think that's what a lot of people romanticise the story.

She might have been wondering if she didn't want to martyr her as well. You know, you kill the queen. That's the kind of thing that might backfire and get a lot of people. Spies other people, absolutely. Eventually, though, Elizabeth was pushed into signing Mary's death warrant, which was immediately rushed away in case she changed her mind because all her advisors were like, yep, we want to get rid of her.

In later years, Elizabeth would even deny that she signed it or claim that I didn't know what I was signing, trying to wash her hands of the blood, basically. But everyone knows she did it. She signed it. After being locked up for 19 years, Mary was suddenly told that she would die the next morning. Her cousin and rival, whom she had never actually met in person,

Elizabeth, had ordered her execution. Now, nearly every movie or TV show about these two famous queens shows the meeting, but this never actually happened. Right. It was just two and a half decades of letters back and forth. Amazing. Many of which still survives. That's why we know a lot about their relationship.

Wow. This is one of the saddest stories I've heard in a while. It's full on, isn't it? It's an absolute wild part of history. A lot happens. Her final letter, however, wasn't written to Elizabeth, but to Henry III, who was the King of France, which was actually kept secret for centuries due to Mary's use of letter locking, which I hadn't heard of, but it's

where you use elaborate folds to lock the letter shut and keep its contents secret. If you don't know the proper way to unfold and unlock the contents it will be obvious that it's been tampered with the final letter required more than 30 steps to complete a mix of folding and slits and sometimes glue to prevent unwanted people opening it that's wow and she was really good at it apparently so a lot of skills very charming too many too many yeah frustrating and crocheting some of them that have been discovered, they've been able to read them without opening it. They now x-ray the letters, which is amazing. How was she to know, though, Dave? You're saying, oh, what a fool.

No, no. Honestly, how was she to know that, Dave? How was she to know, Dave? Oh, she didn't see x-rays coming. You're the fool, Dave. It takes a lot to please you, doesn't it, Dave? No, I am stoked with signs that we can read them without undoing her awesome locks.

I went down a bit of a rabbit hole on letter locking. It was cool. I'd never heard of that. That's wild. Apparently extremely elaborate. Now I just write on the outside, don't look. Oh no. No boys allowed. Yeah, like I write on all my letters.

On the day of her execution, which was the 8th of February, 1587, she appeared in her customary black cloak with a white veil over her head, holding a crucifix. Before she walked to the block, she dropped the cloak to reveal a crimson red dress, the colour of martyrdom. So she wanted to be a martyr. She was very stoic as she approached the spot where she would die.

According to the Washington Post, the man, who for so long had been her jailer offered her his hand to assist her ascent. I thank you, sir. This is the last trouble I shall ever give you, she said. She also thanked the executioner for making an end of all my troubles. Charming to the end. Yeah, absolutely. Her last words before the axe fell over her head were, Into thy hands, O Lord, I commend my spirit. Which she was saying over and over again in Latin, apparently. She was 44 years old. Whoa. Old.

For the time. Yeah. And her head was removed with about 100 people watching on, which, gosh, that must have been terrifying for her, but apparently she was very stoic. That's not an execution. That's euthanasia. At that old age.

Do her a favour. It's the humane way to go. Three chops to the back. We don't want you to suffer anymore, old lady. 44. Beheading, though, it's quick, isn't it? If they do it properly. Yeah, I know.

If they do it wrong, all of a sudden she's running around. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like chickens. I don't want to get too brutal, but the first one missed. No. Oh, Dave. Yeah. I wasn't going to miss it. You asked.

I did ask. Oh, that's horrendous. Took three goes, poor Mary. Oh, my God. Missed entirely, though. Oh, yeah. Just a whoosh sound. They're like, she's really tall. We're going to do it up here But they went too high

They went seven foot She's not that tall Mary's clothes, crucifix and writing book Along with the executioner's block Were all burned in the courtyard So no relics remained The beheading of Mary Queen of Scots Was the first legal execution of an anointed European monarch

And it was a pivotal moment and would change forever the ancient tradition that royalty was untouchable. Over the decades and centuries that followed, many other monarchs would suffer the same fate. Prison is a funny thing. Once you do something, you go, well, I guess we just do that now. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like opening a can of Pringles. You go, once you lop, you can't stop. But did Mary get the last laugh? Well, 16 years after her beheading, Elizabeth herself died of natural causes and with no children, it was Mary's son, James, that inherited the throne, uniting both Scotland and England as King James I. Right. And her, Mary's blood has flowed through all subsequent monarchs.

Fuck you, Elizabeth. Even till now. Yeah, there you go. So, Elizabeth, she didn't have any kids. She had no kids. So, this is the- She was busy writing letters. Elizabeth is absolutely worthy of her own report, because she ruled for four decades,

a very long time, but she's famously the virgin queen oh that's her so she never married and her whole life her advisors are like you have to marry you have to marry you have to have a son you have to have a son all these you have to have an heir all these people pushing her but she knew or thought basically what happened to mary that if she married a man would come in and take all her power so she thought that if she stayed single she could hold on to power. Which is true. But she could for the four decades of her life, and it meant that her heirs didn't continue on her legacy. Right.

But, yeah, this is very much, sadly, the time a man's ruled world, and she knew that. So she was a very influential queen, but one of the reasons is, people say, because she never married. Right. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Oh, what a story. I knew none of it, as it turns Right. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Oh, what a story.

I knew none of it, as it turns out. No, none. Well, she became Mary, Queen of Scots, immortalised after her death as a doomed heroine, a figure of Scottish nationalism, and as a Catholic martyr, which has been the subject of poetry, music, plays, films, opera, TV over the centuries. Her son, James I of England,

had Mary's remains removed to Westminster Abbey in 1612 and had an elaborate tomb built for his mother. And they might never have actually met in real life, but the Queen cousins are lying opposite each other for all of eternity as both are buried only a few metres apart in the Henry VII Chapel in Westminster Abbey. Wow.

That's somewhere we've never gone on our trips over to the UK. No, we haven't been. There'd be lots of previous topics buried or at least with a tribute to them in Westminster Abbey. Yeah. Wow. And I know it's a bit of a grim story, so a final potential fun fact. I'll decide.

To end on a slightly higher note, this is not a grim fact. Maybe it's a boring fact, but hopefully it's fun. We've had enough grim facts for one episode. Yes, I know. Mary was the first woman to practice golf in Scotland. Okay, that's pretty fun. That's pretty fun. She was apparently the first woman full stop to regularly play golf.

Yeah, right. Wow. And I think maybe the famous golf course in Andrews was built during her lifetime. Yeah, I think it goes back to the 1500s or something. Wow. Wow. So she was like their Kari Webb. Thank you for putting it into context. Yeah, now I get it goes back to the 1500s or something. Wow. Wow. So she was like their Kari Webb. Thank you for putting it into context.

Yeah, now I get it. A nice fresh reference. I think she was the world number one about 20 years ago. Yeah, perfect. So that's a fun fact to end on, Maggie? I think it's pretty fun. What a story. And so when you said she was martyred,

is she seen as an important figure in the catholic church like she wasn't sainted or anything or whatever she's not a saint but what do you call sainted pop saints what do you really call the thing when you make someone a saint there you make him a saint yeah that's right anointed and given sainthood what do you say sainted yeah Has she been sainted? No, but she is a famous figure in the Catholic Church, absolutely, and they do see her as a martyr. Right.

Just not saint quality. Not enough miracles. Do you have to perform four miracles? I think back in the day martyrdom was enough, I think maybe earlier, but now it's like two miracles. Oh, please. Please. That's not correct. I don't know.

You don't have to correct us. We won't remember. You can. People do, and I always appreciate it, but I can nearly never remember the things they're correcting me on. Never remember. No. But I like it.

Thank you. Please correct me. The word is canonize. You canonize a saint. When I was in primary school, geez, my teachers were keen on making Mary MacKillop a saint. Yeah bit when i was in primary school geez my um teachers were keen on making mary mckillop a saint yeah yeah i was so keen gotta canonize mary mckillop i'll get an australian saint we want an aussie saint god we've got like little man syndrome don't we yeah

but it also just like what what are you in this for yeah what it's such a weird way to take a religion yeah trying to make it trying to make it a nationalistic thing or whatever Very strange But anyway, they got her there I think she is a saint, yeah Well, that brings us to everyone's favourite section of the show, Dave And welcome to all the people who have skipped the report You missed a very interesting story, I'd say

Grimmer than I thought I really did think at the end she was going to come I'm like, 19 years imprisoned? And then she comes out to rule Scotland after that? Wow, this is going to be amazing. That would have been the comeback of the year. Yeah. But sadly not. But yeah, so I'd love to know when she started getting referred to as Mary Queen of Scots. If that happened like years later or what. Because she didn't spend a lot of time in Scotland. No, I'm pretty sure that that was just a-

That's just what they called her. That's just what they called her. Yeah. Well, it's a great name and she deserved better. But this part of the show isn't about her. That's right. And, you know, to be honest, Mary Queen of Scots, just take a back seat for a moment. Shut up.

For a sec. The rest of the show is about thanking our fantastic supporters. It's also the part of the show where we get a little looser. We've obviously been very strict, very on topic so far. Yes. Now we get to loosen it up a bit. Yeah. Kick off our shoes.

We get to show you our personalities, which we keep secret the rest of the time. Yeah. We've been working on developing some in the off-season. It's hard. Off-season to us is the rest of the week when we're not potting. Yeah, Thursday to Tuesday. Yeah. Thursday to Tuesday, yeah.

Well, because it's coming out on a Wednesday. Okay. We record on Thursdays, but that's more of just like an admin thing that we know. Yeah. The listeners don't necessarily know that. No, I just, I was trying to do the sums there. Okay, cool.

Because it really would be Wednesday to Wednesday because it's only a couple of hours. True. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. And that's what's cool about us. And this is the kind of fun stuff we'll have in this section of the show. Well worth skipping the report for this. So, if you want to get involved, go to patreon.com slash do go on pod and you can support the

show. You get all sorts of rewards, including at the moment, three bonus episodes per month. But we were just talking about it earlier. If we get to this new target, which is coming up soon, we will start doing a fourth each month, which will be a D&D. What do you call them? A thing. Campaign.

Campaign. Oh, my God. Great lingo, Jess. Thank you, Jess. I love D&D. Yeah. A couple of years ago, we did a do go D&D or Dugo whatever we called it, which was a Dungeons & Dragons campaign.

And on the Patreon, which is still there, because you get all the bonus episodes as well when you sign up, the old ones. And people really loved it. They've been asking us to bring it back. So we're going to do it when we hit the goal. And I'm excited for it. I got lost because I'm thinking, like, what about...

You think you have new names? I got lost because I'm thinking, like, what about- You think you have new names? What about Dungeon and Drag-on? Wait, Dun-do-do-geon. Yes. And Drag-on. Then what? So the do-

Do-geon. Is in do-geon. Do-geon. And, wait, do-go-do. I think it works written down. Well, I don't even know about that. Hey, we've got time to workshop the title. How long was I out for then?

It felt like hours. Anyway, so, yeah, there's bonus episodes. People vote on topics like today's topic by Dave was voted on by our supporters. It's not even called Dungeon. It's Dungeon and Drake. Anyway, so, yeah, that's right. People get to vote for the topics. Quite a puzzle.

Someone listening right now will be like, well, I got it. And they'll tweet me and I'll not know what they're talking about. Someone smarter than us, let us know. But, yeah, there's a Facebook group where it's the loveliest corner of the internet. At the moment, the godmother of the group. Do godmother. What is wrong with you two? Sophie's in there.

She's organising a T-shirt swap at the moment where people, wherever they are in the world, she matches them up on a very complicated spreadsheet with other people. So say I'm in Melbourne, I send a t-shirt to someone in Austria and they send one back to me. Very cool stuff. In the past, they've done magnets. Yeah.

They've done Christmas ornaments. It's awesome. What a beautiful neck of the woods that is. So nice. And, yeah, there's other things like you get early access to tickets. So, for instance, our 400th episode coming up, the patrons bought most of the tickets before they went public. It sold out in just a few days because the patron people got in first.

Good on them. But the first thing we normally like to do is thank a few of our great supporters in the Sydney Schoenberg section of the show which is called the fact quota question which actually has a jingle go somewhere like this fact quota question he always remembers the ding she always remembers the jingle and can i just say dave added a dance to it this week and that was lovely i was feeling it we probably had to edit it out but it was a tap number a type of, a tap, a tap. And in this section, you get to give us a fact, quote, or question,

or a brag, or a suggestion, or really whatever you like if you sign up on the Sydney Scheinberg level. And first up this week, it's a first timer in the fact, quote, or question section. It is Victoria. You also get to give yourself a title, and Victoria's title is Prostechnic Vogon Jelts. Okay. Does that mean anything to either of you?

No, maybe it works written down like Dungeon. Dungeon. And Victoria's question is, what's your comfort media? A movie, TV show, music, or book that you'll return to when you feel like you need something familiar and comforting. And as I always request, if you're going to ask a question in this section, please give us an answer. And Victoria has done that writing.

To answer the question myself, I have reread The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books more times than I can remember. They hold a dear place in my heart and they're always a comforting read. P.S. The book cheat episode about it is obviously my favorite. Thanks for all you do. Me and Jess were on that episode, weren't we, Jess? That's right, yeah. The three of us together.

It was a lot of fun and I really, really enjoyed reading it for that episode. Did you record that in my office? Yes, at the old studio. At my desk. I remember that. Yes. It was live from Jess's desk. A tiny desk special.

It was live from Jess's desk. A tiny desk special. Now, did you know this Prostetnik Vogon Jets was a Vogon civil servant and commander of the Vogon Constructor Fleet, which was sent to destroy the planet Earth? I can't figure out in what, though. I'm guessing Hitchhiker's Guide. Oh, yes. That would make sense.

That's my guess. Yes that right dave that's right i would have said i guess star wars i remember the word i remember the word vogon somehow i guess there's no way to prove anything so i guess that's it there's nothing to hold on here from victoria she hasn't given us any clues nothing at all all right comfort comfort media uh when i'm sick i like to watch tangled and but there's probably a bunch of like rom-coms that i that are real comfort movies to me i just watched one on the plane that i've watched so many times it's what's your number and it's anna faris and chris evans And it's funny and it's just easy. Comfort for me is just things that just wash over you

and every now and then you go, and that's it. That's comfort. Yeah. Comfort for me is shit blowing up on the screen. I'm talking Con Air, The Rock, Under Siege, these kind of speed diehards, sort of fun action movies that I have seen so many times. I know what's going to happen.

Yeah. And, you know, you don't have to concentrate too hard and then you get a bit of action, you get a bit of cool, cool funny lines. Yeah. I love that stuff. That's good shit. I don't think, for some reason,

I don't feel the comfort in old things like that necessarily. I'd much prefer to watch a new, like probably a genre of movie that is predictable. Yeah, and familiar. But, yeah, even movies I love, it takes me a while to want to go back and watch it. I have to nearly have forgotten what happened to go back to it. Maybe it's different with music or even some audio books.

I've re-listened to Alan or even some audio books. I've re-listened to Alan Partridge's audio books a few times and a few Bill Bryson's. Love that Bill. But, yeah, I think I need, with them as well, I kind of need to have forgotten a lot of it before going back to it, which, yeah, I don't know. Does that mean there's something wrong with me? Yeah.

Damn it. I knew we'd finally figure it out. Yeah, I think your problem is that you have a better memory than both of us. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We get to enjoy them for the first time every time. Good question, though, Victoria. Yeah.

But, yeah, audio stuff I think would be more likely. Music. So many bands. You know, listen to like old pop punk sometimes, Blink-182 or old metal albums. Whatever brings you comfort. Loved back in the day. Thank you very much, Victoria.

The next one comes from Pete Holburton. Dave's mate. Pete, I saw you on the street. See you on the street again. I've met Pete a few times, but that one time you met him on the street, I on the street again um i've met pete a few times but that one time you met him on the street i think makes your connection stronger genuinely a great guy and comes to lots of our live shows pete yeah and what does pete do for a living again dave i don't know if i know do i know pete he works he works in he works for basically nasa i think and his i know that he's

he's a big fan of the apollo missions and that was his topic on hard quiz that he went on. I think he's some sort of rocket scientist or something. Oh, that makes sense. And his nickname is Wannabe Steely-Eyed Missile Man. Good on you, John Aaron. And Pete's offering us a fact writing, In 1908, a dog in Paris saved two children from drowning in two days and was rewarded with a juicy steak each time. Unfortunately for the children of Paris,

the dog was clever as well as brave, and it quickly learnt it could save more drowning kids if it knocked them into the river itself. It managed to save several more kids before the truth was discovered. That is... I mean, technically, the dog saved them. Eh?

Yeah. That is good stuff. That is very good. Pete says, love all the pods. Thanks for all the laughs. And thanks for the great comedy festival shows, both individual and the quizzes. All superb. Thanks, Pete.

Pete, you're a gentleman. Pete came on my quietest night, and I was really worried it was going to be a really grim show. And everyone was a Patreon supporter, I'm pretty sure, on this night. And looked out there. And we actually had a really fun time. Seeing Pete's smiling and laughing face really kept me going. Everyone really got into it. He was thinking about something you

thought of earlier. He had headphones in. He was facing the wrong way now. The back of your head, Pete, really spoke to me. I think, yeah, that's right. He was watching Matt Stewart way now, if you will. Look at the back of your head, Pete. It really spoke to me. I think, yeah, that's right. He was watching Matt Stewart live at Stupid Old Studios on YouTube, which is still available. Wow.

Yeah. And very funny. Weird that he paid to see my show and then watch your special you can watch for free. Hey, let's not yuck anybody's yuck. Yeah. That's how Pete likes to have fun. By supporting you, sort of.

Thanks, Pete. Appreciate your almost support. And thank you, Pete. And the next one comes from Roy Phillips, a.k.a. Pad Kid Who Poured Curd Pulled Cod. You son of a gun. You got through that all right, though. Yeah.

Well done. Pad Kid Who Poured Curd Pulled Cod. Good job. And Roy's also offering a fact writing if you look at a sugar solution through a polarized light filter and rotate either the solution or the filter it will change color i can go into the science behind it but it's quite long-winded and surprisingly complex anyway hope that's interesting, Jess. Can I hear it again? If you look at a sugar solution through a polarised light filter and rotate either the solution or the filter, it will change colour.

Huh. That does sound... I'd love to see it. I would love to see it. I don't understand it. I don't know if I can deem it fun if I don't understand it. It's a thing. Two things. Yes.

And without changing anything apart from the angle. So you're changing something. Yes. And without changing anything apart from the angle. So you're changing something? Yes. When you move one of them, the colour changes. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Cool fact. Thank you, Roy.

I thought that was fantastic. And finally, from Ben Johnson, whose title is a link to a Google map. Let's see where it goes. Ben Johnson Road Post Office. Okay, that's the title there. Or I guess the link is the title. Wow. So, technically, the title is

http://goo.gool.maps, etc. Okay. Is Ben trapped somewhere and has sent us, like, dropped a pin or something? Let's find out. Because he's offering us a brag. Hi, I'm not trapped. Writing, hi, guys.

Quick brag time. I've been made redundant. Okay. Usually I'd say sorry to hear that, but if it's a brag, great. Let's see what- Any further explanation. Strange to think that I've been doing this job as the graphic designer for a small local charity for eight years and that it is soon coming to an end. To put it into context, I've been at this job since July 2015 before Do Go On even started.

Probably about the same time we started recording. Yeah, for sure. Almost exactly, I'd say. It's crazy to think how much has happened in the world in that time. Brexit, COVID, Ukraine, and so many Marvel movies. But the constants I always had with this job, my partner Georgia, and the network of Australian podcasts I use as therapy mainly do go on. My usual routine is to work at my desk and listen to old episodes on repeat.

Oh, for comfort reasons? Oh, we are a comfort media. Actually, there's some podcasts I listen to old episodes again, but again, I have to give it a bit of time. Got to forget the story. Because there's something wrong with me. Yeah. So, to have such a big change is quite scary for me.

Now time for the real brag. I've been accepted onto an apprenticeship. I've been thinking of a big change is quite scary for me. Now time for the real brag. I've been accepted onto an apprenticeship. I've been thinking of a career change for a while and being made redundant was a good kick up the ass to get going. It's a diploma apprenticeship in digital IT, working and earning a degree full time. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work, but I could not be more excited.

Plus it starts in late September, just in time for Block. That's so great. Coming up so fast. Yeah. I'll be wishing everyone a happy Block without context. I could not have done this without the help of a couple of friends. So, huge shout out to Maya and Reese. And, of course, you guys will be there with me, too.

Every episode of the pod makes life a little easier. Time to add a cheeky question because it's a diploma. Time to add a cheeky question because it's a diploma apprenticeship. I didn't know what you were saying until you said it again. I thought it was going to be diplomatic. I thought you were trying to say the name of a dinosaur or something. I was the world's biggest diplomar. He doesn't read them until he reads them.

Because it's a diploma or apprenticeship, everyone else on the course will be fresh out of their A-level. We'll all be a decade younger than me. In order to keep up with youth, I'll need to download TikTok, start vaping and learn some modern slang words. Yep. So can you teach me some of the freshest slang words you know so I can make everyone think I'm a fellow youth? Yes, us elder millennials can help you. Yep. So, can you teach me some of the freshest slang words you know so I can make everyone think I'm a fellow

youth? Yes, us elder millennials can help you. Absolutely. Everything is slay. Oh, yeah. He's also answered his question. What gives you the ick? Yeah, that's so cringe. Yeah, I'm cringe. Apparently... Extra. Everything's extra. Jess has explained this to me. Domes

on coffees are not cool. Yeah, dome lids. If you've got a dome lid on a plastic ice coffee. I mean, that was true a month or two ago. I think domes on coffees are not cool yeah dome lids if you've got a dome lid on a plastic ice coffee i mean that was true a month or two ago i think domes are back uh ben answers a couple of the latest slang words i know a bussin and no cap though i don't know what these mean i don't know what either of these mean thanks and sorry for the long post love you guys uh yeah since between me starting and ending reading out your message, slang has changed. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not sure what no cap means.

Let's find out. No cap. Ben, I've got you covered. No lie, for real. There's a Wikipedia article called List of Generation Z Slang. Oh, my God. Thank you so much for those fantastic fat quotes and questions there from Ben, Roy, Pete, and Victoria. so much to those for those fantastic uh fat quotes and questions there from ben roy pete and victoria

the next thing we like to do is shout out to a few of our other great supporters and jess you normally have a bit of a game to play somehow well yeah i mean i it seems i haven't used my laptop since the last time we recorded because i still have my horse name generator open um so maybe we could we could say what they're queen of. Yeah, great. Brilliant. And I could find stuff. And we'll let AI decide. Yeah.

Is that what happened to Mary? Yeah. She was named to the Queen of Scots. What are the chances? This is nominative determinism. That's wild. From the horse name generator. It made no sense as well because she spent more time in jail or France.

A lot of time in England. Yeah, in jail in England or living in France. Queen of jail. Couch queen. All right, if I can kick us off, I'd love to thank from Whitehorse, unbelievably. Whoa. From YT in Canada. Where would YT be?

It's Samuel Primard. What's that, Yukon Territory? Yukon Territory, is that what it is? Ah. I'm guessing here. Don't fact check me. I'll do it myself. Samuel Primard is the monarch of the-

No, they're all queens. Oh, they're all queens. The queen of the- Cincinnati. Queen of the Cincinnati. Okay. Queen of the Cincinnati. And again, not in Cincinnati, so it doesn't make sense.

Wasn't there that movie, The Last King of Scotland? And I think that was a guy who never went to Scotland maybe I never saw it Oh yeah, Idi Amin Idi Amin That was who that was about I've heard of him Anyway, so Samuel Primard is the Queen of Cincinnati

Sounds like a racehorse really Yeah Thank you Samuel for all your support The next person I'd love to thank is from Edmonton In Canada as well. Hello, Canada. It's Jaden Hine. That's a great way to introduce yourself.

Hello, Canada. It's Jaden Hine. That is good. Queen of Hocus Pocus. Ooh, great. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. What a witch.

I'll have $10 each way on Queen of Hocus Pocus. Just Hocus Pocus is a good name for a horse, isn't it? Fantastic. I mean, that's why it's on a horse generator. Yeah. Nothing but the best. I know. I should.

Not a racehorse generator, is it? Just horse name generator. Yeah, you could pat Hocus Pocus. That's a good name for it. You know, your kid's pony. That's Hocus Pocus. Maybe the local fairy dress-up person puts a horn on it, takes it to kids' parties or something.

It's a unicorn called Tokus pokus. Yeah. That's cute. And finally from me, I'd love to thank from Griffith in New South Wales, Australia. It's Jeremy Gleeson. Hello, Australia. Hello, Griffith. Queen of?

Ratatouille. Now, is Ratatouille something apart from the name of a rat in a cartoon? It's not the name of the rat. What? Ratatouille is a dish. It's a a rat in a cartoon. It's not the name of the rat. What? Ratatouille is a dish. It's a vegetable dish. A very good looking rat. It's not a rat.

It's a dish. Serve me up some of that rat. Is that Jin Zed slang right there? Yeah. Right. So, Ratatouille is not the name of the rat. Is that a good movie? Yeah, it's a great movie.

I bet Ratatouille is the name of probably like a fancy dish. It's stewed vegetables, all kind of assembled like that. Yeah, I quite like them. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, right. There you go. Ratatouille. It would be weird to name a rat Ratatouille, I guess. It'd be like calling Jess

Human-touille. Yeah. Have I ever told you how I bombed in front of a waiter once? I was out with two friends and the meal of the day was ratatouille. So my first friend goes, I'll have ratatouille. My second friend goes, I'll have ratatouille. And I said, make that ratatouille. That's funny. Absolutely bombed.

That's probably because every table had said that. Do you reckon? Do you reckon every table's ordering three ratatouilles? Yeah, come on. I've never heard of a dish before. I thought it was a rat until moments ago. Maybe they just didn't get it. I think, can I punch it up a bit?

Please. I don't think I can, but I would have said, you set it up again. Okay, so I'll say ratatouille, I'll have ratatouille. Jess says she'll have ratatouille and then you'll make it. Okay. Oh, I'll have a ratatouille, please. Yeah, I'll also have the ratatouille, thanks. I might have a rat-o-swellie.

Oh, I'll have a ratatouille, please. Yeah, I'll also have the ratatouille, thanks. I might have a rat-o-swellie. The whole restaurant goes wild. Rat-o-swellie. You're like, okay, what else do you want? See, Dave, don't try jokes ever again. That's the lesson. That was the last time I tried a joke.

That was about eight years ago. What are we doing? We're thanking people. Hey, let me give a big shout out from Carlingford in New South Wales. Thanks for the support. From Frank Draper. Oh, that's a good name. Frank Draper, Queen of...

Nutcracker. Queen of Nutcracker. Nice. Queen of Nutcracker, Frank Draper, Queen of Nutcracker. Queen of Nutcracker. Nice. Queen of Nutcracker, Frank Draper. That's fantastic. Great. I reckon you could put that on your business cards, Frank. Frank Draper sounds like a businessman.

It does. Sounds like someone that would get the job done. I trust you with my life already. Frank Draper, Queen of Nutcracker. What can I do for you? Everything rhymes with this guy. I would like to thank now from South Elgin in Illinois, it's Riley Ness.

Queen of punk. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, Riley. Punk is a funny name for a horse. Yeah. Punk. What's your name? Punk.

That's good. I love it. And from Irwin, Pennsylvania, shout out to Tommy Isherwood. Pennsylvania named after a guy called Penn. Weren't that in a Bill Bryson book? No, no, I was thinking Pittsburgh. Pitt is. Named after a guy called Penn.

Names work in weird ways, I guess. We've just gone Canada, Canada, Australia, Australia, US, US. What are the odds? What are the odds? And Tommy Isherwood is queen of? Rodeo. Oh, yeah. Queen of rodeo.

Queen of rodeo. Damn right. The fucking Bronco. Is it my turn to thank some people? Absolutely. I would love to thank from, where are we up to? Oh, yes, from Escondido in California. I would love to thank Daryl and Atkinson.

Daryl and Atkinson. What a great name. That's fantastic. Daryl and Atkinson. Daryl and Atkinson. That's beautiful. And Daryl and is Queen of Pirates. Oh, yeah. That's the name. Yeah. Daryl is Queen of Pirates. Oh, yeah.

It's the name. We are. Daryl and Atkinson, Queen of Pirates. Love it. Broke the pattern there, though, Daryl. That's the only... I mean, a pirate would. A pirate doesn't care for law and order.

Nah. Canada, Canada, Australia, Australia, US, US. US? Yeah. Very disappointing. Let's see if we can turn this around. Okay. As I think from Glasgow in Great Britain, Tracy Matheson.

Ooh, Tracy Matheson's got to be Queen of the Scots. No, that would make too much sense. Who are they Queen of, Jess? Biscuits. Oh, Queen of Biscuits. That's the best. Queen of Biscuits is fantastic. Yum of Biscuits. It's the best. Queen of Biscuits is fantastic. Yum.

I'll have a Monte Carlo, please. Oh, yeah, Monte Carlo for me, the Queen of Biscuits. I'll have a chocolate-covered teddy bear, please. What is this, the Dunce of Biscuits? Yum, I love the chocolate-covered one. No, I learned the other day that Dunce, that's just named after a guy. Really? Yeah.

Whoa, Gary Dunce. We only knew. I'm thinking about doing a Patreon episode about words that are named after people and where they came from. Love it. Because I went, Dunce, that can't be real. That's amazing. Or a bit like Ponzi scheme. Yes.

Casanovas. Yeah. Okay. We've just found a few for you. Great. All right. I'll bring some in for a Patreon episode. Great.

Love that. And finally, to bring it all home, I few for you. Great, all right. I'll bring some in for a Patreon episode. Great, love that. And finally, to bring it all home, I would love to thank from Address Unknown. We can only assume Scotland so that it all joins up nicely. Sophie Houston. Sophie Houston. Love the idea of from now on we don't assume the fortress, we just assume Scotland.

I just want to. No, it's fun. It's great. We're like, I assume we've just got hundreds of extra listeners in Scotland. Okay, I've got a couple of good ones here. Okay, Queen of. Queen of Gentlemen. Oh, yeah.

Or Queen of Twist. Oh, Queen of the Gentlemen Twist. Oh, that sounds good. That feels like twisting their nuts. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a wrestler name. Putting a gentleman in a twist. The squirrel grip.

Yes. Queen of the squirrel grip. There it is. Thank you so much to Sophie, Tracy, Daryl and Tommy, Riley, Frank, Jeremy, Jaden and Samuel. The last thing we need to do, nay, want to do, is welcome a few people into the Triptych Club, a beautiful club that jess will explain for

you right now well what it is is if you uh support us over on patreon.com for three consecutive years on the shout out level or above you get automatically brought into the trip ditch club it's an exclusive very cool club i still think of it like an airport lounge, but it's got everything you could possibly need. And I'm behind the bar. I've got snacks for you, drink cocktail specials. Dave books a band. Matt's behind the velvet rope.

He lets you in. Everybody cheers and goes completely nuts. This week, I've got haggis and scotch. I'm in. Pretty good. That's a yes from me. I've also got these veggie wraps that I got from this food truck at Edinburgh Fringe.

I went back a few times because they were really freaking delicious and very crunchy, and I miss them, and I think about them often. But you've tracked them down. I've tracked them down, and I've got them. That's great. They're really good. So, yeah. And as for a band you're never gonna believe it obviously i booked this kind of artist this level of artistry i have to book years in advance but somehow i have booked scotland's owned dj superstar calvin harris he's scottish there you go there you go yes i don't

believe it you said i'm not gonna believe it and you were. I don't believe it. You said I'm not going to believe it, and you were right. I don't believe it. Thank you. Thank you. I will believe it when I see it. As in you don't believe that he's Scottish? I don't believe any of it. Welcome into my house.

Coming into my house. Is that him? Coming into my house. It is a Scottish house. He really gave it away. Welcome into my house. Scottish. Come to my wee house.

I always thought it was a different kind of house. I thought it was a piss palace. So we've got quite a few inductees this week. Dave, are you ready? Are you ready? You're the hype man. Yeah, so as Matt welcomes these people in, I'll give them a hype up, and then Jess gives me a hype up for hyping these people up to keep me going.

That's right. We've got 13 inductees. I'm queen of the hype. Oh, yeah. And Dave is queen of the hype. And here we go. Are you ready? From Rotherham in-

Do you reckon that's right? Rotherham. Rotherham. Rotherham. From Rotherham in Great Britain, it's Thomas Hill. Look, some people said I was over the hill, and then I met Thomas. And now I'm over the Thomas. From Atherton in California in the United States,

it's Kendall Leveson. More like Kendall Heavenson. Yeah, you're heaven. From address unknown, currently sharing from deep within the fortress of Scotland, it's Matt Byrne. Feel the Byrne. Matt.

Byrne is a Scottish name, I think. From Rossendale in Lancashire in Great Britain, it's William Maudsley. Certainly not Ross and Fail when William Maudsley's around. It's a Mossom win. Yeah. Woo! Ross and win.

I was like, I'm going with it. From Barnett in Great Britain, it's Katie Fitz. Katie Fitz, more like greatest hits. Oh, Katie Fitz. It almost rhymes with Katie. Grady Hits. Katie Fitz in anywhere you want to. Very good socially. Oi, oi. From fits in anywhere you want her. Very good socially.

Oi, oi. From London in Great Britain, it's Connor Kennedy. All right, what would you do for this one? Yeah, go on. Certainly not cursed when it comes to friendship, Connor Kennedy. I'd say Your Honour Kennedy. Okay. Just because yours is better that one time.

From Woolloongabba in Queensland in Australia, it's Catherine Grey. The skies certainly aren't Catherine Grey when you were around, even though I mean. From Breitling in the Northern Territory of Australia, it's James Rogers. You'll never have to wait, Ling, for a good conversation when James Rogers is here. From Pakenham in the Australian Capital Territory, it's Bo Stephen. Bo Stephen.

Foe even. There was almost something there. There was almost something there. What? You pick it up here, Matt. Go on, go on. First thing you know, I'll be back in Bo Stephen again. Like Bo River, the Chisel song.

Oh, okay. Great. I'll be back in. I only just Like Bo River, the Chisel song. Oh, okay. Great. I'll be back in. I only just saw that through. Bo, apologies for that. Yeah, sometimes things come to my mind and I go, that definitely rhymes, but I can't say it because it really sounds weird. Bo, I'll be in your vibe.

I'll be in your vicinity. In your vicinity. In your bubble. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I wish anyway because that's how good you are. In your orbit. Yes.

Because you just suck everybody towards you because you're so great. Yeah. From London in Great Britain, it's Millie B. Silly me, it's Millie B. Can't improve on. From Poughkeepsie in New York in the United States, it's Garrett Oakley. Just a hop, Poughkeepsie, and a step away. Garrett Oakley is here to stay.

That's good stuff. Why not jump? Shut up. From Bedford in Great Britain, it's Lucas Sherd. Let's put this night to Bedford with Lucas Sherd. You shared me right. Honestly, he just can't let you have this one thing. Finally, from Tidworth in Great Britain, it's Danny Charlotte.

No, Charlotte, and she's the real deal. She's the real Danny. She's the real Danny. Yeah, that's a one, too. They're no Charlotte, and they're the real Danny. Welcome in Danny, Lucas, Garrett, Millie, Bo, James, Catherine, Connor, Katie, William, Matt, Kendall, and Thomas. Make yourselves at home. Kick your feet up.

Jess sees it as an airport lounge. I've always seen it more like a Vegas velvet lounge, you know. Lights are down low. Sexy. Yeah, maybe you're drinking a port or in this case a whiskey. Yeah. Frank Sinatra's on stage. But tonight it's the band.

Calvin Harris. Calvin Harris. Yeah, this century's Greg Sinatra. Well, that brings us to the end of the episode. Anything we need to tell people before we go, Bob? That we love them and we're not mad at them for that one thing. And if they were to suggest a topic. A little disappointed.

They can do that. They can go to our website, dogoonpod.com, where you can find info about live shows. You can see other podcasts we do and you can find us on socials at DoGoOnPod as well. Hey, we'll be back next week with another episode. Can't believe it. We're only a couple of ways from 400 now.

Of course, you can join us for the live stream on June 17, 2023 if you want to watch that and you can watch it live or on catch up we're in stupid old studio so it's not just a locked off camera we've got a full production going on it's gonna look so good multiple cameras see us from all sorts of angles some you probably don't want to so you can get tickets for that at the website jess said do go on pod.com but until then until next week that is i'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye later bye Until then, until next week, that is, I'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye. Later.

Bye. Jess is drinking a pure peppermint tea. Man, that looks good. Yeah, it's already gone. I never even thought about that. There's hot water in the kitchen. Yeah. Holy fuck, I could be drinking tea in here. Yeah, yeah.

Jesus. My throat goes. Fuck, that's- I thought, let's keep that lube. I love tea. could be drinking tea in here. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. My throat goes. Fuck, that's- I thought, let's keep that lubed. I love tea. Let's lube it up. You know what I did this morning? A BYO mug, too.

I sculled a tea that was too hot in the shower because I'm like, I got to get in. I got to get in for the pods. I'm like, oh. You didn't think to add some cold water to it? None of it made sense. You could have it made sense. I was panicking. Water down with the warm water from the shower head. Yeah, that could have helped. God.

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