Do Go On - 398 - Mary, Queen of Scots

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

A queen at just six days old, the life of Mary, Queen of Scots was never going to be a normal one. But the twists, turns, and tragedy of her life are truly incredible. This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 05:59 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodLive show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/ Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/Check out our merch: https://do-go-on-podcast.creator-spring.com/  Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present.  REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.nts.org.uk/stories/mary-queen-of-scotshttps://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/true-story-mary-queen-scots-and-elizabeth-i-180970960/https://britishheritage.com/history/mary-queen-scots-kill-lord-darnleyhttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Mary-queen-of-Scotlandhttps://www.royal.uk/mary-queen-scots-r1542-1567https://www.nms.ac.uk/explore-our-collections/stories/scottish-history-and-archaeology/mary-queen-of-scots/mary-queen-of-scots/life-and-deathline-of-mary-queen-of-scots/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we've got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Do Go One. My name is Dave Warnke and as always. I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. Hello, Dave.

Oh, Gasp. Dave, it's so good to be here and it's so good to be alive. I personally wish I was never born. And I'm pretty in the middle. I'm just taking it day by day. Yeah. Well, I said it more of a statement. I meant how good is it to be alive?

Oh, right. And I think it's pretty average because I'm in the middle. Yep. It'll lukewarm. Yeah. I'm piping hot. Jess has been cold for months. Jess is frigid.

Yeah. I see. Well, frigid, Jess. How does this show work? Well, one of the three of us, Jess, Matt and Dave. That's us. Hello. Hi.

Hi. No, shut up. We take turns researching a topic usually suggested to us by our listeners. We go away. We read all about it. We write a little school report, and we bring it back to the other two who listen politely. who support our friend with kindness. And we usually get onto topic with a question.

David's your turn to do a report this week. Have you written a question for us? I have. Okay. Can you answer your question? Yes. Great. And here is my question for you both to get onto topic.

My question is, who is described by historicukuk.com as? This is their little summary to get you sucked in to click the article. Her life provided tragedy and romance. more dramatic than any legend. Perhaps the best known figure in Scotland's royal history. Queen Mary of the Scots. I will take that. That sounded almost like a jeep-ity answer.

Well, you re-jumple it into the wrong. Edit in your own mind, which I did. And I'm going to take that as Mary, Queen of Scots, you are correct. Yeah, so there was no the in there. So he's wrong. No, they've paid it. For the scoreboard, they pay. Exactly.

Point for you. We are talking about Mary Queen of Scots. This one was voted for by the Patreon. And this topic, only won by two votes. This is one that I kept sending screenshots to both of you in our group chat saying, it's a tie. It's still a tie. I want to start researching, but it's a tie even posted in the Facebook group saying,

guys, if you haven't voted, please vote because it is a tie. Mary Queen of Scots jumped out by two. And this is out of hundreds and hundreds, close to a thousand votes. Whoa. That's how tight it was. That's tight. Tight at the top. But I think they chose as historic UK.com.

com says... They chose a dramatic, dramatic story. Do you guys know much about Mary Queen of the Scots? No, I don't think I do. No, I know there's been like modern films about... Have you seen any of them? I was going to say, haven't seen any of them. That's probably good because that would have given away quite a bit of story.

Even though that there are a few embellishes apparently in the story. Right. No, I know nothing about anything, but as specifically, sorry, that was more of a general statement. I know nothing. You know nothing about anything, but zooming in on this topic, you also know nothing. Yeah, yeah. Well, this one I nearly knew the name. Yes, that's something.

That's not a bad start. Yeah, honestly, yeah, that is one step out of chance. As a proud partial Scotsman, a few generations removed, I'm stoked to finally learn more about her. What do you know her surname? Stuart. It is Stuart. Yes.

But with a you, I think. Yes, but we'll talk about that. I put in a... It's a French. I put a Stuart fact in there just for this guy. Yeah, yeah. It's the wrong spelling, but, you know, it's a cute attempt at it. Yeah.

It's the first name spelling. This one's been suggested by a few people. Thank you to Rachel Razzie from Brisbane. Lewis Gemmell from Glasgow. Sam Markle and from Morrow. Melbourne and Josh Curry from Preston in the UK who suggested a specific part of the story. Thanks for those people. And anyone can suggest a topic at any time.

Don't even have to be on the Patreon. You go to do go on pod.com as a little suggest a topic. For instance, you can do it right now. Do it right now. Pause this so that you can really focus. Yeah. Think of something good. Suggest the topic.

Yeah. Doesn't even have to be something good. You can suggest anything. We just probably won't do it. Yeah, we'll just ignore the shit once. But you can suggest anything. Exactly. And some people have suggested anything.

Oh, yeah. And definitely, and there's a little section where you can explain why I think it's a good topic, and that's a great chance to pitch it. I often go off those pitches. The people who seem excited by it and give a few tantalizing details. Yeah, it gets you pumped. Yeah, yeah. So to give a bit of backstory here, previously on the English monarchy.

Honestly, I love a previously on. Except when, because it was often on shows that came out week. to week, obviously, because that's how TV used to work. But when you're binging it now, it's like, I know I just saw this... I've got to tell you, even then I watch the previously because they often show bits that, like, from about three episodes ago that seemed insignificant, and I go, oh, great, I needed to know that.

Great, awesome, now I know. This is going to be relevant. But also, sometimes I feel like that spoils it a little bit because I'm like, oh, okay, so they've just mentioned, oh, I have a fake brother, and you're like, okay, well, now I'm going to find out about the fake brother. You know what I mean? Sometimes I'm like spoilers. Yeah, whoa, whoa, spoilers on that thing I already saw.

Okay, geez. Spoon feeding it. Come on. But I do love, I love bloopers and I love a previously on. Well, this is kind of a previously on. Bloopers? Oh. Yeah, there'll be bloopers at the end of the episode. Keep listening.

Honestly, there might be one. This kind of relates to, in many ways, a topic I did years ago on Henry the 8th. Of course. Maybe five plus years ago I did a topic. I remember it. Just word for word, Dave. Yes, but just for the people who don't remember, haven't heard it, Jess. I'm going to give a brief summary, but of course you can just zone out for the next five minutes.

Thank you. Henry the 8, the man who broke up and rewrote. wrote the entire church and married six times, two of which ended when he executed his wives, all in the ruthless pursuit of political alliance, and more importantly, having a healthy male air, which he did. Well, his air was kind of healthy. He was a bit sick. But anyway, still, he had a male air, which was his lifelong goal. Do you remember if in that episode I was annoyed that he didn't end up having eight wives? There's a Henry VIII. It just doesn't feel quite right, you know? It's a bit off. It's uncomfortable.

It's a bit of. Come on, mate. It's a bit crook. Yeah, a couple more, mate. Come on. Two more wives. If I'm consistent, I am. I probably had that thought five years ago.

Yeah, probably. If there's anything I've ever said about you, it's your consistency. Yes. Yeah. Consistently shit. I'll have a word. They call me the human metronome. So, South are the only six wives.

Sorry. In 1537, Henry's third surviving child and only son was born to Henry's third wife, Jane Seymour. And his name was Edward. Edward was the younger half-brother of Mary from Henry's first marriage to Catherine of Aragon and Elizabeth from his second marriage to Anne Boleyn. All three of these surviving children would go on to be king or queen of England. There you go.

Often, you know, there's an heir and then the others are like, whatever. Isn't that wild? All from the one family as well. That's crazy that they all made it to the top. You know? Normally the odds of that must be pretty long. Yeah, getting, they all, and they all had a pretty good girl. Unless there was some sort of, you know, nepotism involved. Oh, no, no, no, no. They all got on their merits. They're all chosen by God and by the people.

It's a meritocracy. Yeah. And if everyone in England, his three kids were the best. Isn't that amazing? It's wild, yeah. You'd be so proud as a parent. So, you'd be stoked. Proud as punch. My three little freaks. Yeah. The best little freaks. Good on them. I don't know why I called them freaks, but I just felt right in the moment. You always think that you love your kids Because you think they're the best But that's just because they're your kids But as it turns out, they are the best

That's proof Sadly he didn't live to see that though Because for them to be the best he had to die Oh yeah Right Oh weird system It isn't yeah He bit old

He died on the day he was voted out as well So you understand That's rough And nothing to do this death's right When Henry VIII died in 1547 His son Edward became king Edward the sixth at the age of just nine Because he was so young

A council of Regency governed everything. Now religion plays an important part in this whole story and it all goes back to Henry the 8th. Because it turns out that changing the whole religion and church for your country just so you can remarry has lots and lots of ramifications. What? Can you believe that? Changing everyone's religion and the church changes a lot. I don't see how that happens. I think you just go, okay, different now and everyone just is cool with that. I don't see how that could change anything. Yeah. Because there's no, I don't think there's any big quarrels or anything between the Protestants and Catholics.

Not that I'm aware of, no. Well, actually, Matt, I've got a couple coming up. Oh. Let me educate you about this. Yeah, right. Oh, you good. So if they were just all remained as one in church, they probably would never have been another wall. Exactly.

Wow. Henry the 8th, I'm starting to turn on him. I think he might be a bit of a sea word. A charlatan? Oh. Well, he was, but no more. Because long story, very short, Henry wanted to annul his first marriage to Catherine of Aragon after nearly 24 years together, which is pretty amazing being like, this marriage doesn't count.

24 years. Yes, we have a child, but no, we never, we didn't consummate, no. No. Henry was a devout Catholic growing up, but the Pope refused to grant the annulment. So as monarch, Henry made himself the head of the Church of England, which was no longer Catholic, but rather Protestant. Protestantism had recently taken off as a protest to the Catholic Church, hence the name. Oh, so he didn't start. It was already kicking off before he got involved.

Yeah, like Martin Luther had already gotten in there and sort of it was spreading around a bit. And he was a bit like, well, if you're not going to let me divorce? You know who does? Protestants. So that's what we are now. And I'm in charge of the church. I'm ahead. So England went from being very Catholic to very Protestant. And his son, Edward V. 6th, had been brought up Protestant because he was the third child and grown up with

Protestant advisers acting on his behalf. But when Edward died, his older half-sister Mary was next in line to the throne. The problem was she was from Henry's first marriage and she'd grown up extremely Catholic. Right. So there were fears that if Mary came in, she would undo her father's changes to the church and this would be bad news for the people currently in power. Right. They're like, oh, we might get punished.

So we'll try and keep her out. So before he died, Edward the 6th named his heir as his Protestant, cousin, Lady Jane Gray, who upon Edward's death was proclaimed queen for nine whole days. Whoa. And then she was like, I don't like this. Yeah, this is a lot more pressure than I thought. I think I'm just going to go be a baker. I just like, I like the routine of it. I like the, I love early mornings. I'm a morning, I'm an early bird. Early start, early finish. You know? That's what I like. I've got the afternoons to myself to just like, you know, work on some creative project. All of this is a bit much for me. And you know what, Jane, that's fine.

Yeah, exactly. You find what you love and do it. You never feel like you work the day in your life. Exactly right. Lady Jane. Lady Jane Grey, the nine day queen, they call her. But Henry's oldest daughter, Mary, and her supporters marched on London and most of Jane's supporters abandoned her. So the Privy Council of England suddenly changed sides and proclaimed Mary, no, you are the queen. You're the queen on the 19th of July 1553, deposing Jane, who sadly was later executed. Oh, for what? Just wanting to be a baker. Oh, okay. So what? The Catholics, whoever, they don't like bread? Oh, you fuck up a half dozen cinnamon scrolls one time. She's new. Give her a chance. Come on. She's only just become a baker.

She's an apprentice. Ridiculous. I'm furious. I'm upset about that. Sorry. Lady Jane. I love bread. I love Lady Jane. Now where we're getting bread. Yeah. Is that why Catholics have that flat bread? It's because they killed their best baker. sticks to the roof of your mouth. Pathetic. They've had the pleasure of eating Jesus. No. Well, you don't get to.

You got to go through a few steps before you get to eat Jesus, mate. That's right. You don't go straight to eating Jesus. You can't. You know what, though? No, I won't. But just like, you could just go up. They don't check.

Really? They don't check your ID card? No. I think Dave would know, though. God look at Dave and they'd go, oh. Okay. The holy water would steam off his forehead. It'd curdle.

Yeah. Somehow. Are those horns, young man? Mary was Mary the first, which she was in more ways than one, because she was the first woman to successfully claim the throne of England. And she did reverse her father's changes to the church and reconnected with the Pope and the Vatican, making England Catholic again.

As feared, she had 283 of her Protestant opponents executed, mostly burned at the stake. Well, now, as a Catholic, I'm sure she's thinking, what would Jesus do? And I think he would kill his enemies. Very spiteful. They believe in a slightly different Jesus, they should die. Well, they believe in the same Jesus slightly differently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was known to her enemy. Off with her heads. Oh, was that her? She's known to her enemies, and now history is Bloody Mary. Ah, okay. Which came first, the hair of the dog or the queen? Both born on the same day.

Okay. Cheers to this queen. What's that? A bit of tomato juice. And I added Tabasco. Tabasco salary. This shouldn't work. But it does.

Mary was queen for about five years and had no air when she died in 1558. So her younger half-sister, Elizabeth, was her successor. She became Elizabeth the first, famed queen and namesake for the Elizabethan era. But guess what? She changed the religion back, establishing an English Protestant church of which she became the supreme governor. She then established the Elizabethan. religious settlement over four years, which chartered a course enabling the English church to describe itself as both reformed and Catholic, a sort of middle road between Roman

Catholicism and radical Protestantism, known as Anglicanism. Just to throw a bit forward, Elizabeth will also be a main player in today's story about Mary. But in summary, that's England during this time. Imagine how wild that was for the people to be like, you're Catholic. No, now you're this new thing. You're all Protestant and the king's ahead of the church. And then Mary's like, no, you're Catholic again. And then Elizabeth comes in and says, no, you're a new thing, but not Catholic.

This all happened in a 24-year period. Wow. Great time to be a journalist. A lot happening. A lot of news. Yeah, safe time to be journalists, absolutely. And for years after those that are in power, a worry that someone knew will come in and change it all again. So they've seen so much change that they're worried it will keep.

Because every time someone comes in, they're like, hey, you were with the last lot. Get out. So people are constantly trying to, you know, save their own skin. Like, be craving some stability. Exactly. But will they get it? I guess we're about to find out. Well, actually, going back a little bit, about half-forth of the time I just talked about in 1542, up in Scotland,

where they had their own separate kingdom in Lin-Lithgow Palace, the woman that is the centre of this episode was born. Her name was Mary. Oh, okay. Didn't see that coming. Her father was King James V of Scotland from the House of Stuart. Her mother was his second wife, a French woman, Mary of Gies. The only surviving child of James V, the king was not happy that she was a girl. And he died just six days after her birth.

He was already unwell, but some claimed he died of disappointment, which is a brutal start for Mary. Is that something you can die of? I'm not a doctor. put that out there. But I've never, I've never heard of that. I think it's possible if you are either already sick and dying or you've drank contaminated water. It's the two real reasons I read why he died. He drank very disappointing quality water. I'm disappointed in this, but I can't stop drinking. And so his wife was the, was a geyser. Yeah, she was married of geese. That's cool. The original geyser.

Love that. Where's geese? In France. Ah, we. Wee. We, we, we, boom. Mary became baby Queen of Scots when her father died, being declared Queen of Scotland when she was just six days old, just quite young. I think we can all agree.

Too young. If you can't hold your head up, you can't be queen. I reckon it just shows you a real high achiever. Heavy is the head that holds the crown. It also doesn't have the neck. And doesn't have neck muscles, yeah. Yeah, I mean, just a crown with neck muscles apparently is pretty heavy. Yeah.

She's that, baby, I guess I would have had to have used some sort of a system, maybe a couple of sticks, some masking tape wrapped around it. Yeah. Duct tape. I'll get like a tummy crown. Oh, yeah. Put it over. Yeah. Tummy crown.

What are we doing? So she's Queen of Scotland at six days old. Mary was also related to the English royal family as she was the great granddaughter of King Henry the 7th. her grandmother, Margaret Tudor, was Queen of Scotland and also the older sister of Henry the 8th. Right. So her great uncle is King Henry the 8th. Right.

Yeah, okay. Does that kind of makes sense? Yeah, this family tree is starting to get a little bit... I'm going to need a diagram. Yeah. But basically her grandma was Henry's older sister. Yeah. So she's got Tudor blood because that's what their dynasty is called, the Tudors.

Right. I'm starting to feel like, you know, Georgia the Jungle. chopping through the overgrowth of this family tree. You know what I mean? I'm getting lost in here. It's a jungle. This is a tree. It's a bloody jungle.

This family jungle. Well, fortunately, it doesn't get too much more complicated than that. But because of this, because she's got Tudor blood, she was actually next in line to the English throne after her great-uncle, Henry VIII's kids. Right. Basically, if they don't have children, she was next up. Okay.

And that's very important to the story. Yeah. Being only six days old, to be honest, she wasn't much of a queen to begin with. Sure. She will all be. Jeez, Dave. That's brutal. First she's killed her dad and now she's a shit queen.

I mean... What have you done at six days old? What have you done at 32? Days old. Yeah, yeah. Let's go through my life month at a time. Yeah, figure out what you've done. There was a queen who only lasted seven days.

Nine. Nine days. Pologues. Get it right. He's a real round down kind of guy. What, it was basically a week. She's like, it was nine. days.

All right. It's basically a fortnight. This one wasn't queen for six days. Yeah. Makes you think, doesn't it? It does. It does. So she's a baby and others really try to take advantage of this.

Her great uncle, King Henry the 8th, who was still alive at this point, arranged for Mary to marry his son Edward, hoping to bring England and Scotland together. Oh, baby wedding. Baby wedding. But also kind of eliminates her from taking over, doesn't it? Absolutely. By together, I mean Scotland would be under the thumb of England because he would, you know, the king would be more in charge. Yeah. So it's great for Henry if he could pull off that coup.

When Mary was six months old, they signed a treaty stating that she would marry Edward, which I know sounds a bit weird, but don't worry. She wouldn't have to marry him until she was 10 years old. Oh, that's nice. And how old would he be by then? I think he's a few years older. Okay. Yeah, perfect. He would also be a young teen. Perfect. Yeah, great. Oh, that's very reasonable, very thoughtful of them. Yeah. Is this in a time where that is...

normal? I think for this kind of like king and queen type stuff. People used to die at 40 or something, right? So 10 is sort of the equivalent of 30. Oh, right. Yeah. Because now we live 120. I love it when he does maths.

How many dog years were people living back then? How old were dogs? Where dogs only lived till two? Oh, God. That's tragic. That is tragic. I think dogs lived the same amount of time. So back then, dogs just lived years.

Oh, dogs ruled the world. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Henry the Eighth was a bit of a dog. So there's this treaty that says Mary's going to marry Edward. However, many Scots opposed this treaty as like Mary, they were Catholic, and they decided to break the agreement. Henry VIII was furious and sent his army to attack Scotland,

and this period is known to history as the rough-wowing. Seriously. Hearing historians say it, it's very funny. The rough-wooling. During the rough-wowing. Henry the 8th. The rough wooing. See, that's dog stuff again.

Oh, wow you marry me? Want to go on a date? Rough rough. Oh no. So that's the rough wooing. England were pissed off and there were a bunch of battles and sieges. Scotland were a bit worried. So they started with fellow Catholic France.

King Henry II of France proposed to unite France in Scotland by marrying Mary to his three-year-old son, the Dauphin, the future King Francis. And this got France on side and then England were like, okay, we'll back down because we're scared of France. So Scotland had safety, but Mary had to move to France when she was six years old, and she grew up in the French court with the children of King Henry of France in magnificent royal palaces. A life of luxury, she'd been sent over with four ladies in waiting,

who were all her age, and their names were Mary, Mary. Mary and Mary. Altogether, these four Marys lived with Mary. And so sorry. So her ladies in waiting, who are typically there to like, they do everything for the queen. They dress her, they feed, whatever, everything she's. They're her age as well.

So they're also six. They grow up together, yeah. Basically, it's like little mates, little companions. Little prep kids. What do you? Oh, what do you do? You're at school? You're school yet?

no I'm a lady and waiting. But they're also supposed to know like what they're tied. But they're just children. Yeah, and so as to, that's quite unladylike. You shouldn't be doing that. But they're like, nah, I like Pokemon. And they're all growing up together and then at some point she's their boss. Yeah.

That's a fucked dynamic. Very strange. And it's also. Send adults to look after that child. So there's five Mary's. That's so good. It sounds like a reality show. Five baby Mary.

The House of Mary's. Five baby mary's in a palace in France. Married at first sight. He's done it, he's done it. He's done it. I think I did the voice well. He had the title in fact. Let's find out what these baby mary's do next.

Yeah, they're locked in the palace with no help. There's just security cameras watching their every move. Which baby mary will walk away with 100,000 pounds. I don't even watch reality TV. They're all the same. Yeah, that sounds right to me. So, yeah, is this the time? Because as I understand it,

Stuart got changed the wrong spelling because the French didn't have a W or something like that? So, I mean, they've got a W. Okay. It's a doubly V, please. But it was, that's what eight French lessons will get you. WV. Doble V.

It was when France, it was then in France that Mary adopted the French spelling of the surname, so she changed it from S-E-W-A-R-T to the more French S-T-U-A-T, and that changed the whole family from then on. Yes. But before that, they were the same spelling as you, absolutely. Some people, I've had, I've had you, Stuitts, this filth. I've had some of them come up to me trying to say that they were the original spelling, and it makes me fucking furious. What do you say to them? Well, I just sort of politely go, I don't, oh, I don't think that's right.

And I go, no, it is. I go, all right. All right. Next time, if I'm there too, we'll come up with a code word. You bring me in and I'll fucking go on. What's the code word? Because we've got to, well, no, we can't come up with that on pod. Oh, okay, okay, great, great.

It has to be a secret code word. Yeah, good one, sorry. But, you know, Matt, we've got to protect your sweet boy reputation. But I've ruined mine already, so. You just savage them. Yeah. She'll turn on a dime. And on anybody who says, my Maddie's wrong, I'll fucking kill you.

Yeah, wow, she'll kill. Yeah. Sorry, I blacked out. Your Honor. I don't recall killing anyone. I don't think I did, Your Honor. It's so weird that Justice appeared in Jason Statham appeared in the room. Maybe I'm good at voices.

Yeah, you are. I'm a Megalodon. He is the Megalodon. Is that what happens in part two? I haven't seen it, but yeah, I assume he is a megalon. I have seen and I can't confirm that's right. Megalodon. So she becomes the French Stuart.

And in fact, because she grew up and came of age in France, Britannica writes, French now became her first language. And indeed, in every other way, Mary grew into a French woman rather than Scott. Yeah, I'm disappointed because I like the Scottish accent. It was nice imagining that, but now I've got to imagine French. An ugly language. Yeah, hideous. Hideous language.

So just, oh, disgusting to listen to. So unsexy. Yeah. Everybody says it. Everybody knows it. I wonder how she becomes queen of Scots. Right now it feels more like she's queen of fronks. Is like how to say that?

Is that what they call themselves? Franks. Because they don't have a word for France and France. Have you heard that before? Ah, yeah. It's a beautiful language. A lot of holes in it though. Is that true or is that not, is that a joke?

Well, they don't call themselves France. They don't. No. Fron-say? Fruls. Hors. France. They don't call themselves France. They don't.

It's ridiculous. Do they know how they sound? We go over there and we say, hello, it's nice to be here in France, and they're like, I do not know what you're talking about. French. They never understand what anyone's talking about, the French. Pardon? Stuff like that. Sorry.

Hey, you don't speak in my accent. How can I? How do you think everyone's just going to speak in? everyone's accent all of a sudden. Figure it out. Australians, we're very adaptable and we're not sensitive at all. If you don't say it exactly perfect,

I've got no idea what you're saying. That's Matt having a breakdown in Mulan Rouge. So your seat is this way. What are you talking about? Where am I sitting? See, that would seem ridiculous, wouldn't it? Now flip it around. Yeah, yeah, seat at the MCG.

Just over here, love. do not understand. The MCG. That's our Moulin Rouge. Two very cultural sites. Beautiful place for art. So Mary, she was reportedly very beautiful with long red hair and not her value because she was also very intelligent and learned to speak French, Italian, Spanish and Latin,

enjoyed hunting, writing poetry, dancing and horse riding. When she was older, she would apparently dress as a stable boy and ride incognito around Edinburgh. Love that. Which is fun. She was also, by many accounts, an extremely charming woman, and anyone who spoke to her would fall under her spell. Is that, uh, is that remind you anybody? Well, I've got her blood, so yeah, I assume it does.

I've got it in a little vire. I've got it. I got it. I went there and I got it. Now I have it. It's mine. I got it on the dark web. It was so weird.

50 litres of it. I said, is that a lot? And they were like, yeah, it's a fair bit. I've got it all their blood. I've got it all. I've thought they were milking there or something. So weird. How much blood do we have in us?

It was like eight, so it wasn't seven or eight liters or something? Was it three or four? Fuck. Google it, quick Jessica. I need to know. Because how much do you? Because you could only give like a pints worth when you're donating. At a time. Yeah, sure.

But then it makes more. That's what's crazy. We milked her for a whole life. How many litres of blood? It's a weird thing. Weird thing to Google. Five litres. There we go.

Great. Somewhere between what I was saying. An average adult has just under five litres of blood circulating around the body. That's from blood.gov. Oh, yeah. Oh, I trust blood.gov. com.com. I think what we did was we took her five liters.

Yep. Waited until she regenerated. Took another five. Oh, yeah. Repeated the process. Yep. Back in Scotland, her mother, remember, also called Mary, ruled Scotland as her regent. So she's technically still a queen of Scotland, but because she's under 18, mum's in charge.

And like her mother, Mary was reportedly very tall. In fact, she was a giant for the time standing 180 centimetres or 5 foot 11. I read one article in the BMJ Medical Journal, try to put it into context. It says she was 5 foot 11 in height when the average woman was around 4 foot 11. Whoa, yeah, okay, she's huge. So they've worked it out. She was the equivalent of a woman these days who would be six foot five in comparison to people. Yeah, wow, tall.

And they write, she was probably one of the tallest women in Europe. I don't understand how 180 centimeters is 511. Yeah, I think 182 is 6. 183 is 6. Yeah, it's crazy that it's just like, because I'm 170 and I'm 5 foot 7. Well, that makes sense. She's four inches tall than you. I know, I'm just saying like it's only 10 centimeters.

difference, but it's a lot of inches. Four. So, but she was... I've never seen you do a regret face. But can I just say four inches is huge, so. So basically, if she wanted to, she could play for the Opels. Absolutely. Of the day.

Probably not the Opels, though, because that's Australian. Right, but part of the Commonwealth. Oh, yeah, true. Which probably didn't exist at this time. I don't know. Probably. as a country. I don't think the Opels did. Interesting points. Yeah, no, it would have probably played. I don't think basketball existed now that we're talking about it. But she would have

played for the equivalent of the Australian women's basketball team. Yes. If Australia or basketball or women's basketball or women. Or the women. If women existed, yes. Australia as a country, as a place, it did exist. I absolutely did. I don't want anyone. And so did Opels. I don't want anyone out there thinking, hang on, when did the land of Australia fall? Just pop up. I'm just talking about the name, the word Australia, the country. There was quite a lot of nations here before then. That's correct. And like I said, Opels too. Opels were here also. Yeah, I think they were starting to form around this time. They were starting to come good. So yeah, she's a Lauren Jackson of her day. That's right. A perfect example, thank you.

Yeah, she's like, when she's a foot taller than the average, yeah. That's very tall. In April 15, 58, at the age of 15, Mary married the 14-year-old Dauphin, Francis, in Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Mary Stewart was very fond of white and insisted on wearing that colour, even though white was regarded as the colour of mourning in 16th century France. Really? So what colour would you wear to a wedding typically? Black. I don't know.

I flipped it. Didn't know. Interesting. Because now it's sort of like, obviously white's a wedding colour, but you can't, of course, you can wear whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. But it's kind of cool that all the way back then she's like, no, I'm going to wear what I like.

I like this color. That's cool. Either that or she was like, I don't want to marry this guy. I'm in mourning. Or she's thinking, I'm mourning my single life. Yeah. Her father-in-law, the king of France, soon died from injuries sustained whilst jousting. She's pretty badass.

That'll do it. And Mary became both Queen of Scotland and Queen of France with her husband, King Francis the second. Not bad, not a bad ever in your teens to become queen of two countries now? I don't know. It's just like, you know, I thought I was a bit of an overachiever because in grade six, I was blue team captain and school captain. Wow, was that the first time that had ever happened?

Probably. They didn't think about sharing the leadership positions around. No, I was just a natural leader. Okay, great. And they wanted to foster that in 12-year-old Jess, and I think that's nice. And you obviously grew up to be school captain as well. I mean, drama captain. Sorry.

Again, the leadership. It's strong in me. But she's leading two countries, and I can't help but feel like that maybe trumps being school captain and blue team captain. I don't know. I see both of them as a country in themselves. Okay, great. Oh, cool.

All right. Then, yeah, I can relate. Great. Also in 1558. Sorry, Dave. I found, according to love to know.com. I love to know. com.

Although there were a few exceptions, such as Mary Queen of Scots, who wore a white, dressed to a wedding in 1558. Women typically wore other colours which could have included blue, red, yellow, green or even grey. So just colours. They just wore a coloured dress. It's not did. Could have included. Wow. For example, I've thought of these colours and I've written them down. So it shouldn't be called love to know it. It should be called love to speculate. I love to have a guess. That's interesting. I wonder when white sort of became there. Apparently just 1840. According to this, I've just googled and this came up on a page called Wikipedia.org.

I guess it's like wedding Iqipedia. Yeah, cool. Yeah, use that data. 1840. I actually use that website to plan my wedding. Very useful.

Yeah, right. Queen Victoria. She was one that kicked it off. Obviously, ripping off Mary Queen of Scots. Yeah, wow. 300 years later. Also, in 1558,

in England, her cousin, Elizabeth I first, was crowned Queen of England. And she had no children. This meant that Mary was next in line to the throne in England as well. Oh, she's racking.

her mom. Really? Yeah. And also they're Queen of England and Ireland at the time. Oh yeah. So she's got the chance to do... She's like a Voltron time. Put them all together. She's got France, Scotland, potential to add England and Ireland as well. That's only if Elizabeth doesn't have children, so we'll see what happens. In fact, many Catholics believed that Henry VIII's marriage to Elizabeth's mother and Berlin was invalid because he divorced his first wife and they don't believe in divorce. They therefore thought that Elizabeth's claim to the throne was illegitimate that Mary was therefore the rightful queen of England. Right, yeah.

In fact, this was the position stated by Mary's father-in-law, the king of France before he died. He claimed the Thrones of England and Ireland and Mary, Queen of Scott's name, and this decision got Elizabeth's attention and both outraged and disconcerted her. All of this was the beginning of a very famous rivalry between the Queen's Mary and Elizabeth that would last over 25 years, during which time the two would write many letters back and forth. I didn't realize it was going to get that nasty. Come on, girls, let's play nice. Get to be my quill.

You're the Twitter spat of the day. Let's just say the letters were written. Okay. Sometimes they were very loving and Elizabeth would sign off your most assured sister and cousin. Okay. So sometimes would be quite nice, but... Instantly sort of contradicting herself there.

Which one is it? Oh, like royal family. Oh, yeah, probably. Could be your mum as well. Other times they were trying to put each other in their place with regards to claims to the throne or try and sort of outdo each other a bit. a strange relationship that takes many forms of the two and a half decades, but it starts with

Elizabeth being affronted that Mary had family saying that she should be Queen of England and Ireland as well as Scotland and France. And Elizabeth obviously was not happy to hear that. So that's what started the chain of letters. That sounds like she's a little insincure in herself. Instant cure. Yeah. She sounds insincure to me. An instant cure. An instant cure for the blues. Write an angry letter. That was just cruel, Jess. What? I'm just agreeing with you. She sounds insecure. Is it cruel to back up a friend?

Yeah, sorry. I know we're usually the SaaS twins, but this time I just felt like being supportive. Why are you acting like a French person right now? You don't say it perfectly. I don't understand what you're talking about. What are you saying? I don't know what it means. Why are you acting like a French person? Big love to all our French listeners. I know there's some great French listeners out there.

Just a bit of fun. A bit of fun amongst friends. A bit of fun. I love your language. I love your language. I'm doing the lessons right now. But don't say anything about us. We cannot handle it.

We are very... We're givers. We're not takers. We're not takers. We're not takers. We cannot handle it. Please. We're very fragile.

Let us shit all over you. Yes. End of conversation. Because that is, that's what we do. That's our culture. That's right. We're laricans. Yeah.

We like to make fun. Exactly. But you do not dare make fun of us. We cannot take it. We do not like it. He can't bully the bully? We don't like it. It's not allowed.

Stop it. That's very true what we're saying. We're saying it like a joke, but it's true. It's not true, yeah. Please don't make any comments. Something that we really need to work on as a nation. I can't handle it. As a nation.

As a nation. Sadly for Mary, her reignous queen of France was short-lived as 1560 was an absolute shocker of a year for her. First, her husband Francis died leaving her a widow at just 18, which is obviously a bummer personally, and she also stopped being the the queen as the king's younger brother took the throne. Right. How did he die? Do you know? I think it was just, no, I do remember. Actually, he got an ear infection that moved into his brain.

Whoa. Damn. Which is nasty. Inner ear infection. That's full on. Doesn't get much more inner ear than your brain. So in one ear it came out the other. Yeah, jeez.

His brain. Wow. Now that is, that's no good for her. Or is it good for her? It's like, you know, she's got one less responsibility now. Yes, but she's also, like, in France, she's quite safe because they're, at the time, a relatively stable and strong country. Right.

Do they still, you know, see her as one of their own? Yeah, she probably could have stuck around, but also in 1560, this is why it's such a bad year, back home in Scotland, her mother Mary, who'd been ruling on her behalf, died. Oh, man. So she had, she said, I've got to go back to Scotland. Yeah. To take over my kingdom. That's right, because she's 18 now.

She's 18. I can be the ruler, and if I don't get back there, someone else will take over. So she's got to leave the safety of France, go back to Scotland, a place she hadn't been since she was a child. And returning home, she encountered a nation in the turmoil of their own religious reformation, as the nation had become Protestant while she was away. And to many, she seemed like an alien queen from a different country and also a different religion. Yeah. You're not even Scottish.

You're not even Protestant. I mean, yeah, she's fully raised in France. France. She goes for the big... Obviously, this is why she goes for the big... big rebranding. I imagine she gets her team around her and that's when they come up with Queen of Scots. Yeah.

But you mean I'm not Scottish. She's wearing a lot of tartan. She's got a new logo. It really is the rebrand of the century because we all know her as Mary Queen of Scott. Yeah. But the first 18 years, people are like, you're not. You're not even. Like she's putting on a pretty bad Scottish accent, but she's trying.

It's a hard one to go from French to Scottish, I reckon. That really, really is. And we mean such different things in the two countries as well. that's true. Neither of them correct. Yeah. Nah, just joking. So she went back. She did her best to manage hostile Scottish nobleman

who were pretty keen on protecting their own self-interest. But she managed well with the aid of her half-brother, the illegitimate James Stewart, the Earl of Moree. More on that James Stewart later. And more on this whole exciting story after these brief messages. So Mary's now widowed at this 18 and she looked to marry again. She hoped for a supportive partner and also to have an all-important heir. Many potential suitors were interested across the kingdom and Europe.

One man really put himself out there. You have a real go at this guy's name. A French courtier by the name of Pierre de Bossaquel de Chastelard, who had fallen in love with Mary in France and he had become infatuated with her. Huh. Well, it could go either way. That could be sweet or creepy. Okay, what do you think of this?

Yeah, this is okay. We're going to play a game called sweet or creepy now. Well, okay, yep. I want to play, but also like it doesn't really matter what I think. All the matters of what Mary thinks. Yeah, okay, great. She's dead. So we can't even ask.

All right, all right, all right. All right, so we'll have to defer to you. Sweet or creepy. I'm guessing just because you're asking a question, it's going to be creepy. It's going to be super sweet. Yeah, because it's Dave. It's Dave asking. He's a sweetie pie.

Yeah, I love sweetness. If it was me, it'd be creepy. He traveled to Edinburgh and hid him. himself under her bed. Creepy. Hoping to jump... Well, I'll finish the plan. Hoping to jump out and declare his love.

I love you! From under her bed. Sweet or creepy? It's getting sweeter. The lovelily sweet and give a little suit and sweetness. Yeah. He was discovered by her maids of honour. I can only assume one of the Mary's.

Queen Mary pardon the offence, but then he snuck in to see her again at a time where it turns out she was about to disrobe an awkward time to walk back into the bedroom. Oh yeah, he accidentally. walked you. I'm not sure. I don't want to put any shade on this guy. I don't know if it was on purpose. Is this a royal family or one of the Porky's movies? I think he's timed it poorly because she was about to disrobe. So you're like, ah, fuck. I'll come back. I'll come back. But according to Britannica, he was discovered again, seized, sentenced and then hanged the next morning. The fuck. That really escalated. Yeah, pardon once. Shameless. The second time around. He's gone about it in a weird way.

He can't get fooled again. Can't get fooled again. Now watch this drive. Now watch this hang. Wow. Okay. So that's a potential suitor. He went kind of the rom-com route of a big gesture.

Yes. And he died for it. Imagine in a rom-com at the 60-minute mark they hang the suitor. And then she just married some other guy you haven't met yet. What the what is happening? Oh, amazing. Do they normally, the rom-coms, they do some. slightly off big gestures, but they're normally like standing on a table in the cafeteria.

Yeah. Not hiding under their bed. Yeah. That is a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah. So personally, it's not something I would do. Hide under a bed? No.

Okay. Too claustrophobic. I bought you a bed, so I was hoping you'd hide under it. Great. If it's a nice high-legged bed. No. Now I've got to return it to Captain Snoose. I hope you happy.

So they've got to find a husband for Mary. One of the weirdest proposals came from Elizabeth, remember her rival cousin, writing a letter saying that Mary should marry her friend, Lord Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester. This was a strange suggestion for a few reasons. Dudley was the son of a traitor, had possibly killed his first wife by pushing her down the stairs,

and was probably Queen Elizabeth's ex-boyfriend. He sounds like a catch. Sounds like Elizabeth's trying to get rid of him. You should marry my ex. I mean, Dudley. She was telling Mary to marry him, And she even suggested in a letter that the three of them could live together in the royal court in England. I had one historian described it as one of history's weirdest menager twas.

Oh, it happens. No, like... Oh, would have been. Yeah, Elizabeth was pretty keen on it. They seem to think. Elizabeth, most people think, New Dudley would remain loyal to her, so it was her way of getting a spy. Yeah, right. ...basically her ex to do us a favor and marry my cousin.

Maybe push her down the stairs. Exactly. Mary declined, which really offended Elizabeth, and ended up making her own choice, which really offended Elizabeth. Elizabeth's like, oh, you don't want to marry my fucking sloppy seconds. Oh, okay. This weirdo. Fine. Wow.

This son of a traitor and murderer. Wow. Weird. Okay. Elizabeth's starting to sound easily offended. Deasbizabeth. So Mary went with a tall and hot man. Great choice for a hubby.

Yeah. Someone she'd recently fallen for a man by the name of Henry Stewart, Lord Darnley. Already a Stuart. Already a Stuart, yes, he was her cousin. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. But he spelled his name right? No.

What? But maybe he'd changed it because every Stuart was like, oh, that's how we're doing it now, I don't know. And if you can point to one first event in a long chain of destruction, it probably starts with her second husband, Darnley. What? It was just, wow. It was not a good choice. Darnley was both Elizabeth and Mary's cousin. But he's tall and hot.

Exactly. So I don't see how he could be a bad choice. A hot cousin. A tall hot cousin. ding ding ding ding ding ding sign me up God you've got to be so lucky I have a lot of tall cousins

Yeah unfortunately they're married Someone got in there first Well this is her second wedding Yes So it's all time Yes fantastic So Darnley was related to both Mary and Elizabeth And because of this

He was actually the nearest heir To both the Scottish and after Mary English Thrones Right This move pissed off Elizabeth Because it looked like Mary was shoring up her own claim to the English throne by being like, I'm next in line and my husband is next in line after that. So together, we're really next in line. It's so funny that she's like, oh, she's annoyed,

oh, you're shoring up your claims. I'm trying to show up my claim. How dare you? You're doing the thing that I'm trying to do. How dare you do that awful thing that I'm trying to also do? She was a, good political mind, Elizabeth. I'm just saying Elizabeth was a bit of a hypocrite. Whoa. Yeah. I don't think anyone would have said that before, but I'm I'm not afraid of her anymore. Because she's dead? Yeah, mainly. She was alive.

You better believe I'd be saying edit that out. As well as frequently described as being very good looking, the rest of the descriptions of Mary Queen of Scott's new husband, Darnley, are not so nice. Pratannica describes Darnley as weak, vicious, and yet ambitious. Oh, that's a horrible combination. A terrible combination. He loved a drink, was very promiscuous, reportedly bisexual. having many affairs and possibly had syphilis.

Okay. But he was tall and hot. Yeah. Can't forget that. I'm like all the things you're saying, I'm like, so? Yeah. Tall and hot. Exactly.

Of course he sucks. He's tall and hot. Yeah. They suck, but they're so beautiful. Oh my God. Like many men in this story, he was clearly hoping to use Mary to further his own grip on power. He was named King of Scotland, but Mary wasn't really keen on being sidelined by her husband and giving him all the power.

He saw her as his subordinate, and she's like, no, you're my subordinate. I'm the queen. He was not happy with that. And that's good in a marriage, I think, making it very clear who's the subordinate. Yes, I think it's important. I think it's very important. Normally you'd say ideally each of the people in the rights should think the other one's better than that.

That would, oh, wow. I mean, that's a nice thought, isn't it? Yeah, I don't know where I stand in mine. And you're both on the same page? Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, that sounds like a... And that we both think the other one's better. Matt, what you're saying sounds like classic subordinate.

Yeah, I think you're a subordinate. We both think the other one's better, right? Uh, yeah. Of course. Yeah, sure. Mm-hmm. For sure. So, hang on.

Now, he... Because this is something I only really started to understand recently. The king, he's the king consort, or is back then he was just king king king? He's named like king. Yeah. But she's sort of stopping him from actually being... So she's still more senior to him. But he was hoping by, I'll get in, I'll become king.

I'll sideline her. And she's like, absolutely not. Because the current, like the current English king, what's it? Charles. Yes. The something. He married to Fergie, right? Camilla.

Camilla. She's not going to be that too confused. And Camilla, she's not the queen. She's the queen's consort. Is that right? I think she's just named, I think they decided to name her just queen. Okay. Yeah, that's stuff confusing.

Yeah, it is a bit. They can pick each time. And Queen Elizabeth was with Prince Philip, so he wasn't king. Yeah. Yeah. But in this case, but this is going back so long. Yes. Mary's husband is given the title of King.

And it's a different system. It's the Scottish king and queen. So Camilla officially dropped her consort from her title just before the coronation. But then I think like it's not like when Charles dies, she stays on as queen. William will come in like when Queen Elizabeth the second's mother became the Queen's mother

Yes that's right Yep That became a new Whatever one called it Yeah But yes here It's definitely a It still feels like a fresh

And vital system Yes yeah yeah It just makes sense It makes sense Yeah Yeah When we say it like that Yeah

Yeah yeah You're like yes Of course they're Australia's head of state You hear it out loud And you just go I love it I loved watching

I didn't watch the coronation but it's nice to seeing the jewels and the luxury while so many people can't afford food. It's so good, isn't it? Yes. It makes sense. Exactly. The way it used to be. Yeah.

Peasants. Yeah. People with jewels, never the two shall meet. Bringing it back. Bringing it back. Slow but surely. It's good. Traditional values.

So, Darnley wants to be king, king of Scotland. And honestly, he would have been a terrible king because it seems like no one else liked him. All the nobles were really. against him, and even Mary's half-brother James Stewart, who had supported her up until this point, despite being a Protestant, she being Catholic, he began to stop his support when she married Darnley. He was like, you're on your own now, and he became an enemy to her. Oh, wow. By Christmas 1565, the royal couple were estranged, even though Mary was pregnant with Darnley's baby, and I don't really need to give you too many reasons to join everyone else in hating Darnley. Really,

I can just tell you one story, and you will be off him. All right, challenge accepted. He got ugly Get rid of him In the bin And he also shrunk So he had nothing to offer now Two things he had going for him

That Jess was really intrigued by Tall and hot Hello Hello So Mary's private secretary Was an Italian man By the name of David Ritzio He started as a musician

But the Queen really trusted him And then she gave him promotions And he became her secretary A real trusted advisor Confidante Lord Darnley her husband was reportedly jealous of how close Rizio was with the queen and possibly suspected that Rizio was the mother of Mary's unborn child.

The father. Yeah, he's like, it's probably his. Yeah, but you said suspected he was the mother. Oh, sorry, sorry, yes, I've even, I've written, I've written mother. So technically, Jess, I'm just reading. My own writing. I thought I had a micro sleep there. I was trying to help.

Wait, what's going? Do you mind backing over that? Let me, I'll restate that for everyone. He thought that Rizio was possibly the father of Mary's unborn child. That's what he thought. Which is wild because it's more likely that Darnley was the one who was having an affair with David Ritzio. Right. Because Darnley, it seems like from the stories he would just bang everyone.

But back then, people didn't know how biology worked that well. He might have thought maybe I got Rizio's jiz. And I took it over to Mary. And that's his fault. That's Richard's fault. Yeah, yeah. Keep it away from me. Yeah.

How dare you? How dare you? How dare you spill your seat on me and then me take it over to my wife? How dare you? How dare you? You dog. You dog, you Philistine. He slaps him with one of those gloves like they did in the old days.

Yeah. Well, much worse, actually. In March 1566, Mary had just begun. supper with Ritzio and some friends in Holyrood Palace when Darnley and possibly up to 80 men stormed in, took over the palace and burst into the room where Mary and Rizio were eating. Another guy, Lord Ruthven, was there and he was wearing a full suit of armour. And they were like, what the fuck is this guy doing? Why is he?

I know. It's clunking around. And they're like trying to eat grapes and shit. He's just clunking along. So ridiculous. I try to sneak in to take over the castle and he's, Oh, God. Every step sounds like you've dropped a box of cutlery down the stairs.

Every step. Sounds exactly like that. Is that a suit of armour coming towards our room? Oh my God, I think they've even put armour on the chickens. The turkeys are wearing over. The turkeys are going to get to battle. The attack turkeys are here, sir. Ready when, whenever you give the order.

Hold. I said hold. Now give the turkeys the charge order. Okay. Once more into the breached deer turkeys on my count. Hold. Hold. And attack.

I'm sorry, my lord. The turkeys have been hacked down. They will make for a delicious dinner. We really thought they'd make more of a dent. Apparently they're quite easy. There was a lot of. So, Lord Ruthven's clunking around in a full suit of armour. Now, Ruthkin.

A turkey? Honestly, it's not far off what you said, Matt. He walked up to Rizio and accused him of offending the honour of the queen. I'm not sure whether he... slapped him with his metal hand in the suit of armour, I don't know. Mary was like, what the hell are you talking about? Stand down. And Ritzio got really scared and hid behind Mary,

but Rathven pulled out a knife and stabbed him and then dragged Ritzio out of the room. Meanwhile, Mary herself was held at gunpoint and made to stay in the room. All the while, David Rizio was murdered in the hallway outside, being stabbed 56 times. Oh, my God. And then his body was thrown down the stairs. And then what?

Just left there? Yeah, just left there. Waiting for hard rubbish day. And they can take ages. Yeah. If you time it wrong. Got to book them in now. Yeah.

And then she... Another thing on the fricking list. Okay. I don't know. It's just like get online and do it. But still. Just the mental task of you know. Yeah.

I've already got emails so right. You got to get Ritzio picked up. You got to find the right category for what it is. So there's a furniture. Is it green waste? I guess it's green waste, human waste. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

There's no, it doesn't seem to be an option here for bodies. So, now I'm going to have to call them, I'm on hold. And now, because I've been on hold so long, the slot for Tuesday that I wanted is taken. Now I've got to wait a fortnight. Fuck. It's going to stink by then. It'll be, it'd be fricking by then. It'd be awful.

Rotten away. Great. Now I've got to put up with that. Oh, now we've got stinking Ritzow. Oh, will I stay on the line for a quick survey. Yes, I will. I've got a few thoughts. Now, does one mean good or ten mean bad?

You tell me. I'm doing the bad one. So Rathven apparently after killing him came back in. This is so ridiculous. Clunked back in. And said, I'm a bit tired. Anyone got any wine? Oh, okay.

Just trying to play it cool. And the queen was most distressed. Her close friend has just been murdered. She confronted Darnley, her husband. wanting to know why he'd been part of such a wicked deed. And he replied that she had been cuckolded, that she had cuckolded him with Rizio. Oh, that was a fraudulent slip by her husband there. Yeah, yeah.

I'm a cuck, oh no, hang on, no. And that Rizio was to blame for the problems in their marriage. Oh, yeah. So there you go. It's always good to have a third party to blame. Yeah, especially when they're recently dead and they can't. You defend themselves, yeah. Or change the behaviours.

Yeah. Yeah, that feels like he dealt with that pretty well. Yeah. I think, what else could you have done? Darn. What's his name? Darnley. Darnley.

Dastardly more like it. Whoa. Cop that. Sorry, that was a bit much. No, no, no, I think it was just enough. Yeah. I love how detailed it is. This is something that happened, what, nearly 550 years ago or something.

And they know that he came back in and asked for a wine saying he was tired. If you're tired, do you want a wine? Maybe if he really wants to relax. Get an espresso martini, let's party. You don't got any Coke. Yeah, exactly. Snorning off an armour. Yeah, so how do you know who some one of them there obviously kept a diary or something?

Yeah, there's a lot, has been written down from this period. They had their official biographers in the room. Describing way. That's just crowded. And then he said, I'd like some, hey, don't write that down. Or can I read that back? Do I sound good? Yeah.

Clinking around it. Mama, what the fuck? It's probable that the murder of Ritsio was the start of a full coup to depose Mary, but she was able to convince her husband Darnley to escape with her, so she got out of there safely. But it's safe to say that the honeymoon was over between these two. Mary and Darnley's son, James, was born three months later on the 19th of June 1566. Mary named Queen Elizabeth protector of her infant son.

So they're obviously having a good period in their letters at this point. 1566, that's exactly 400 years before the Saints won their premiership. Do you think that's a correlation? Yeah. 400 years after James was born, a very important figure in Scottish and English history. This will be James I first. Oh, hmm, I know a bit about it. That's my family after all.

Yeah. My super inbred family. No, these are actually the ones with the U. This isn't mine. I'm the E.W. Stewart. Yes, that's fine. You're okay. Yeah.

But what goes around, comes around. And this is the part that was suggested by Josh Curry. Thank you for your suggestion. Josh, on the night of February 9th, 1567, Mary's dodgy second husband, Lord Darnley, was at home in Kirko Field. Kirkofield on the outskirts of Edinburgh recovering from an illness when his house was blown up. Whoa. Whoa. Fully exploded with gunpowder.

What? I was thinking of fire. I was not thinking explosion. They exploded it. Whoa. Full sploge. and Darnley's body was found But it's so strange

It wasn't in the exploded house Darnley and a servant Were found outside in an orchard nearby Only half-clothed And apparently having been strangled Rather than killed in the explosion Oh, so I were trying to cover it up or something So what they think is that they tried to blow them up

They survived, they made a break for it You know, in the middle of the night So they're half dressed in their dressing gowns or whatever I wrote a very different story Oh, what was your story? They're boning in the orchard Oh, right. That's why they're semi-clothes. Yeah.

And his lover accidentally strangles him, you know, with a bit of rough stuff gone too far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit of rough wooing, if you will. No, code words being used. Yeah, exactly. And he's like, ooh, what do I do? And he's like, I'll cover my tracks by blowing up his house. But he figured to put the body in there first.

I'll cover my tracks. I'll blow up my house and I'll strangle myself. Oh, that's what, no, I'm thinking the lover, not the husband. But they were both strangled. Hmm, yes And then he strangled himself So what most people think is they tried to blow him up in the house That's the bit that's hard to explain

Use a bit of imagination When you say half-closed I did imagine top no pants Could have been the other way around But I definitely imagined Winnie the Pooh style Yeah It's probably the worst option for a fella But also back then

They're wearing a lot Dangling out there They're wearing more clothes back then You know Does Winnie the Pooh dangle down? No. No, he's not a dangler.

Dangles up. Ah, yeah, he must tuck up into the shirt. It must be an uptucker. And so, yeah, they found that the two bodies. Most people think that they escaped, but then there were lots of men there and they outnumbered them, strangled them in the field. And they were basically, they're trying to make it look like they died in the explosion, but then they panicked and just left the bodies.

But Darnley's death remains one of the great unsolved historical mysteries. But it has great historical consequence for Mary. Mary, understandably, here's about her husband being, her house being blown up and strangled. She starts to fear for her own life, and she wasn't sure who to trust. She was also seen as one of the number one suspects for the murder of her own husband, as was James Hepburn, the Earl of Bothwell, a man who she had been close to.

Bothwell was put on trial and acquitted of the murder, although several of his servants were found guilty and executed, probably as scapegoats, they were taken to the block shouting. No, it was Bothwell. Right. But it was then widely rumoured that Bothwell would marry Mary.

Her cousin, Queen Elizabeth down in England, heard this rumour, jumped in and wrote Mary a letter advising her to distance herself from this man who was associated with the death of her second husband. She's like, this is not a good look. Do not marry this man. But Queen Mary married Bothwell the following month.

Fuck you, Elizabeth. Three months after, Darnley's murder. Honestly, in terms of throwing off suspicion, it was not a good look for her, but it probably wasn't what it seems, because after he was found not guilty of the murder of Darnley, when Mary was on her way to Edinburgh, Bothwell suddenly appeared with an army of 800 men. He assured her that danger awaited in Edinburgh and told her that he proposed to take her to his castle at Dunbar out of harm's way, and you'll look after her.

A castle that she had given him, by the way. And she went with the man that she trusted. Also, she didn't have much choice because he had 800 men in his company much more than she had. So, you know, she's like, all right, I've got to go with him. And this is trigger warning for sexual assault here. Skip ahead to avoid. I won't go into any detail, but many historians believe that Bothwell then raped Mary in order to force her a devout Catholic woman to marry him. Oh, fuck.

That's what most people, well, a lot of historians. Some people say they don't believe that part, but being a very Catholic woman, she thought that she knew what she had to marry him, which she did. In her letters, however, Queen Mary defended her choice of husband stating that she felt that she in the country were in danger and that Lord Bothwell was proven both in battle and as a defender of Scotland.

So basically, she marries him, and they were both very unpopular in Scotland after this. On both sides of the church, they were sort of losing them on all sides. Bothwell had only divorced his wife 12 days before marrying Mary. Jesus. And the Catholics, who didn't believe in divorce, didn't recognise that the marriage was valid. and both Protestants and Catholics were shocked that Mary would marry the man accused of murdering her husband.

And it looks like she'd been plotting with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a good look. Not a good look. So a lot of people talking about it. The marketing team is just pulling their hair out. How can we spin this? Yeah.

So it was just her religious beliefs that made her think that she had to marry him. Probably, yeah. And couldn't tell the truth. And awful. Basically at the time, a lot of people, like I said in this story, a lot of men use Mary to get their own power. They see it as if they capture the question. Queen, then they can capture the power. Is this chess?

I don't understand chess. Yeah. That could have been a great reference or nothing. What were you yelling? It's this chess? I love a character that does know what chess is. Just pointing of stuff, is this chess? No, I just feel like, she could move all the way around the board.

I just heard capture the queen. And I was like, chess. So, check mate. Chess Perkins, strikes again. Chess Perkins. She can't be stopped. She can't be stopped. People try to stop her.

They say, Jess, stop. You don't know chess. Please stop. You don't know what Jess is. I keep going. I'll never stop talking about chess. 26 Scottish peers known as the Confederate Lords turned against Marianne Bothwell and raised their own army. Mary and Bothwell confronted the lords at Carbury Hill in June, but there was no battle as Mary's forces dwindled away through desertion during negotiations.

So people just sort of bail on her. Bothwell fled and headed to Europe, but he was captured near. Norway. He was then sent to Copenhagen where the Danish monarch Frederick II deliberated on his fate. He thought about it and considered that Mary would probably never be Queen of Scotland again. He decided that Bothwell was useless and he imprisoned him for 10 years where reportedly he was chained to a wall in a way that meant he couldn't stand up properly. You can never, because it was so low. And he went mad. Terrible end for a terrible man. I love that bit. It's awful though, isn't it? Ten years of being chained to a wall.

You can't stand up. My God. Awful. But he's gone. Meanwhile, Mary was herself imprisoned in a cramped tower in Lock Levin Castle. Why was this? Because of the,

they thought she did it still. Yeah, and they're basically turning against her and they're like... For all these different reasons. And it's a plot just to get rid of her. So they locked her in a castle on an island in the middle of Lock Leaven. Very hard to escape.

She was threatened that if she didn't abdicate the Scottish throne that she would be murdered. So she signed a document that made her son James King. He was only one at the time, and a regent was chosen. This is what it was all about. Mary's half-brother, who had turned against her, James Stewart, the Earl of Morey, who was behind the plot, became king basically as a regent. So that's what the whole plan was.

Get rid of her. Make the baby king. He's got no say, and then her half-brother can take over the throne. And he can figure out what he can do while the baby grows up. Yeah. tried to, I guess, mold baby James. And he did because James, who is James the 6th of Scotland, he was Protestant, unlike his mother who was Catholic, because these people were in charge.

So she's been forced to give up being queen. She's locked inside a castle on an island. She's locked up either way. Yeah, because I don't want her getting her own army and taking it back over. So they're like, well, keep her on an island, what's she going to do? How can she escape from here? A place that would be impossible to escape from. Unless you're as charming as Mary Queen and Scots.

Oh, she's really charming. She was able to convince a young man in the castle to help her. Disguised in servant clothing, she escaped to a waiting boat and breached the shore safely, where an ally George Douglas was waiting to rescue her. According to Marystewart.co.uk, it was her second attempt to escape. This is their words. Her first attempt, during which Mary disguised herself as the washerwoman, who came to the island to deliver the laundry, failed because the boatman,

and taking her back to the other shore, recognized her hands, which were renowned for their elegance. Oh, get fucked. Yeah, you can't. They're not wash a woman hands. Get, fuck. Her hands were renowned.

Famous hands. She should have been a teenage hand model. But she had other things to do. That's crazy. Are you kidding me? Those hands have never washed clothing in their life. You must be a queen. What?

What a leap. Yeah, you must be a queen. Back to the, back to the, back to the brink. prison. What an absolute leap. That's wild. So she escaped. And not going down without a fight, Mary, who was one of the only women in the world at this time to lead her troops into battle, raised an army of 6,000 men.

She met her half-brother James Stewart's smaller forces at the Battle of Langside. Unfortunately for her, she was defeated and had to flee. Oh, she had the bigger army. Yeah, so she led her army, but not in a great way, apparently. Well, and I also, I guess she didn't have a lot of time with them, right? Yeah. He's probably there working with his army. They're doing army practice.

They're doing icebreaker challenges. Doing drills. They're getting to the connecting. Yeah, they're playing Uno, but they know each other. They're going around the circle saying something about themselves. Hi, I'm Chris. I've been in the army for four years and I've killed nine people. Hi, Chris.

Yeah, two truths and a lie. His name isn't Chris. And I've killed 10 people. There's two lies in the truth. Sorry, I don't know how the game works. But it's interesting that she was able to raise a bigger army. So she's obviously still well-liked and well-supported. Yes, there are Catholic holdouts who very much still won her on the throne

because now this Protestant guy is ruling through her baby son. So she's defeated. Really, at this point, she had two choices. Again, it's a great system. Protestant man is ruling through her baby son. Oh, yeah, this is a good system. It makes sense. When you say that loud.

So at this point, she's got two choices. She could retreat to Catholic France, where she was once called. Queen or throw herself on the mercy of her letter-writing cousin Elizabeth the first down in England. At the time, they're on good terms in the letters, so she went south. She thought that she would meet with Elizabeth, and Elizabeth would help restore her to the throne in England. Ah. In Scotland.

Bit of a gamble. That is not what happened. Mary arrived in England and was basically put under house arrest for a very, very long time, being moved from castle to castle, house to house. Elizabeth. That sounds a lot better than the dungeon she was in, though. Yeah, it is better than like a shitty castle on the island. She's just couch surfing.

We've all been there. Yeah, fantastic. Castle surfing, even better. Still on couches, but in castles, that's not bad. It's not like being on a couch in a sharehouse where eight people already live. Yeah. Flea ridden. Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah, exactly. It's got the beautiful... It's been a bit of a diva, I think. Is she complaining? Oh, my house arrest, no. I mean, you're just sleeping on a couch. Yeah, you're at your friend's castle. Oh, woe is me.

Yeah, come on, man. This is a rough woe. Yeah. Elizabeth was very politically cunning and used the excuse of the suspicion around Mary and the murder of her second husband to hold Mary in captivity. There was no evidence that Mary was involved in the plot against her husband, but then, magically, some letters referred to as the casket letters, appeared and seemed to show her writing letters to her third husband.

husband Bothwell planning the whole thing. But these are now accepted by most historians as being forgeries. Because they're like, we've got no, there's no evidence of this. Actually, here it is, there's a box full of it with you signing your name saying that you did it. Careful, ink still wet. Careful smudging. Why are they called the casket letters? They found in a casket. Oh, like a, like a coffin? No, I think it's more like just a box. Okay. Is that what casket? Yeah, I guess.

Like casket wine, I guess. I think they were just hidden under someone's bed or something. And then people have looked at them and they're like, the dates don't even match up. They did that at the time or later? Later, now people have been like, they weren't even in the same place when they were writing. They were together.

Why were they writing letters to each other? Like, what's going on here? So anyway, but basically Elizabeth didn't want to properly convict a monarch because after all, they're chosen by God. So she was kind of... You'd be saying God got it wrong. And you don't want to say that. Can't say that.

So instead she kept Mary in this state of limbo. During her years of imprisonment, Mary had her own servants, including a physician and a secretary. So it was a pretty nice couch she was sleeping on. She apparently needed 30 carts to transport her belongings from house to house. To pass the time, she enjoyed embroidery, played cards, had visitors, and kept pets like dogs and birds. Oh, sounds awful. Sounds like fucking heaven. Sounds like the best option.

Yes. Imagine not having to be the queen anymore. Yeah, you can just embroider. And just chilling out. It's all the best things have been a queen. Hang out with your dog. Oh, my God. God.

And none of the rough stuff, like people trying to kill you. Wooing. Oh. Not of the rough wooing. She wrote letters to her cousin Elizabeth, who more than once said that she would visit, but she didn't. Some speculate she didn't want to come under the charming spell of Mary. Wow.

Face to face, you know? Clever. Yeah, you can't humanise the person you're keeping under house arrest in a castle. There's more than one occasion Elizabeth said she would come, but then she sent like someone in her place, like a messenger. and then Mary would ask, when's Elizabeth coming? And they'd like, cleverly never answer the question. Like, when's Elizabeth coming?

Nice weather we're having. Yeah. Look over your shoulder. What's that? That is clever. I don't know what he actually said, but, you know, apparently you just like never, never answered the question. So she never knew what she's coming. When is anyone really coming?

You know, Elizabeth, when she's coming or going, she's busy, isn't she? Yeah. She's fantastic though, isn't she? That hair of her? Red, is it? I can't tell. Can you tell me? What's over there? You'd be such a good messenger. Great messenger.

Wow. And you don't get shot. And the beauty of it, Mary eventually goes, can you just stop talking? Yeah. Don't worry about it. I regret asking. I'm bored. I'm actually, oh, good to be tired. I might go have a nap. And a one. If you don't mind. Might go have a rest on the couch.

Giving me some space. The whole time Mary was. was under house arrest, Elizabeth had all these advisors, particularly her long-term chief advisor, William Cecil, in her ear, telling her that she had to take care of Mary once and for all. William Cecil, a Protestant man, was truly paranoid that Mary, who was still somewhat of a Catholic icon, might be able to team up with another Catholic country in Europe, like France or Spain, and overthrow Elizabeth. That's so funny. I thought you meant literally take care of her, like look after it.

No, I meant... Fine, no, can you take care of her? Come on. Please, somebody. She's your cousin. She's royalty, for God's sake. Look after her. Let her go.

She'll be fine. She's nice. I've been charmed by her. She's charming. No, he was like, you've got to kill her. He kept telling you, you have to kill Mary, but Elizabeth refused to do so, and instead just kept her locked up. In the end, Mary Queen of Scots was imprisoned in England for 19 years. Wow. How old she had this point? She's going to live beyond 40.

Yes, she's in her mid-40s. Whoa. All that royal blood. Her health suffered from the lack of physical exercise and not her value, but according to Britannica, quote, her figure thickened, her beauty diminished, as can be seen in the best-known pictures of her in black velvet and white veil dating from 1578. So a lot of people when they think of Mary, they imagine this image, because it's the most famous portrait, but growing up apparently she looked a lot different.

Right. But yeah, she was growing older and also she was sort of basically wasting away, not doing anything for two decades. Doesn't say that unless she was wasting away. You said she was thickening up or something. Yeah, well, her health. What was that phrase? Her figure thickened.

Her figure thickened. And her beauty diminished. But she also suffered from physical ailments. Like I think her legs seized up and stuff like that. She found it harder to move as she got older. She grew up in the wrong era. If a figure thickened these days, people wouldn't be saying diminished. No, she'd be a thick queen, literally.

That really got me. As time went by and the paranoia ratcheted up, so did restrictions on Mary. There were numerous plots to set Mary free. It is true to say, but not many of them actually involved Mary, who in the end was not allowed to communicate by letter. So they sort of had a problem where the advisors wanted to catch Mary out plotting, but then they locked her up so much that she couldn't actually plot. So in the end, to catch her out, they had to loosen the restrictions and letters came in,

including one from Sir Anthony Babington. What a great name. A great name. He suggested a plan to kill Elizabeth and put Mary back on the throne. The long-term goal of the plot was the invasion of England by the Spanish forces of King Philip II and the Catholic League in France, leading to the restoration of the old religion and putting Mary back on the throne. After years of frustrating confinement, her health deterioration. reading, Elizabeth clearly not helping her and not having seen her son since he was 10 months old,

so she hasn't seen her son in 20 years either. Mary was desperate and she wrote back to Babington in a coded letter agreeing to the plan. The only problem was that it was all a trick set up by Elizabeth Spymaster, which is a great job title, Spy Master, Sir Francis Walsingham, who had a double agent working on the inside and he intercepted all of the letters. And Mary replied, let the great plot commence, signed Mary. By signing her name there, Mary had essentially unknowingly also signed her own death warrant, because this gave Cecil, Elizabeth's advisor, the ammunition he needed to prove to his queen that Mary was plotting against her. Really, this is a nail in her coffin. Right. Okay. I was, so I don't know if this is going

to finish like I thought, because I assume that she would return of the throne and be the queen of Scotland. But it seems like she spent most of her life in jail or in prison or on couches or in France. Yeah, the first time she spent like 18 years in France, 19 years in jail. The PR team has done a lot of good work. The first five years, she was just a baby in Scotland. So there was maybe a couple of years in the middle where she was active as the queen. It does seem like babies have been the reigning monarch of Scotland through a lot of this story.

Well, they love a baby monarch. Yeah. A wee child. They love a wee monarch. Now, in France, that would mean a yes monarch. In Scotland, a small monarch. In Australia. A piss monarch.

I know which one I respect the most. Piss. Absolutely. If you hear the word we, what would you think of first? It depends on the context. Probably the collective term for us. Yeah, yeah. But I love it.

Because Kiwis say we, like, for small as well. I love it. Yeah. I wish I could pull it off. I just can't. Scotland's, I love the accent, I love the language. Yep. I love the lingo.

Yep, love it all. So good. Beautiful place. I love the Scottish Highland coos. Mm-hmm. You love those coos. I love those coos. So cute.

Well, this part of the story is not great for Scottish history because first of all, so they found out the Babington plot it's called because of Babington writing the letter. Man, I fucking hate this Babington. Is that right? No, I like Babington. Bavington was right. Here's the one that wrote to Mary and said, hey, I can help you escape and then we can kill us. Oh, I don't know.

I love Babington. So that was real? That was real, but they had an agent in the middle. I thought that was fake. No, he was the real guy. He was trying to help. First of all, him and all the other plotters were arrested, then hung, drawn and quartered, a horrible way to die.

Oh, that's the worst way to go. Awful stuff. Mary was then arrested and put on trial for treason and found guilty. Nevertheless, her cousin Elizabeth hesitated to order her execution, even in the face of pressure from the English Parliament to carry out the sentence. she was concerned that the killing of a queen set a precedent of killing anointed monarchs which up until this point no one had done

Oh so she's not I don't want to kill my cousin I don't want to set a precedent that means I might get killed Exactly There's another reason she was also fearful of the consequences Especially if in retaliation Mary's son James Who was King of Scotland Formed an alliance with the Catholic powers and invaded England Right so that's what I mean

And then also I think she also feels a bit sorry for Mary I think that's what a lot of People romanticise the story. She might have been wondering if she didn't want to martyr her as well. You know, that's, you kill the queen. That's the kind of thing that might backfire and get a lot of people. Spires other people, absolutely. Eventually, though, Elizabeth was pushed into signing Mary's death warrant,

which was immediately rushed away in case she changed her mind. Because all her advisors are like, yep, we want to get rid of her. In later years, Elizabeth would even deny that she signed it or claim that I didn't what I was signing, trying to wash her hands of the blood, basically. But everyone knows she did it. She signed it. After being locked up for 19 years, Mary was suddenly told that she would die the next morning. Her cousin and rival whom she had never actually met in person, Elizabeth had ordered

her execution. Now, nearly every movie or TV show about these two famous queens shows the meeting, but this never actually happened. Right. It was just two and a half decades of letters back and forth. Many of which still survives. That's why we know a lot about their relationship. Wow.

This is one of the saddest stories I've heard in a while. It's full on, isn't it? It's an absolute wild part of history. A lot happens. Her final letter, however, wasn't written to Elizabeth, but to Henry III, who was the King of France, which was actually kept secret for centuries due to Mary's use of letter locking, which I hadn't heard of,

but it's where you use elaborate folds to lock the letter shut and keep its contents secret. If you don't know, the proper way to unfold and unlock the contents, it will be obvious that it's been tampered with. The final letter required more than 30 steps to complete, a mix of folding and slits and sometimes glue to prevent unwanted people opening it. Wow. And she was really good at it apparently.

A lot of skills. Very charming. Few too many. A few too many. Force riding and crochet. And some of them that have been discovered, they've been able to read them without opening it. They're now x-ray the letter. How was she to know though, Dave?

You're saying, oh, what a fool. No, no. Honestly, how was she to know that, Dave? No, Dave. Oh, she didn't see X-rays coming. You're the full, Dave. It takes a lot to please you, doesn't it, Dave? No, I am stoked with signs that we can read them without undoing her awesome locks.

I was, yeah, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole on, on letter locking. Yeah, wow. It was cool. I'd never heard of that. That's wild. Yeah, and apparently extremely elaborate. Now I'd just write on the outside, don't look. Don't look.

Oh, no. No boys are loud. Yeah, like I write on all my letters. On the day of her execution, which was the. 8th of February 1587. She appeared in her customary black cloak with a white veil over her head, holding a crucifix. Before she walked

to the block, she dropped the cloak to reveal a crimson red dress, the colour of martyrdom. So she wanted to be a martyr. She was very stoic as she approached the spot where she would die. According to the Washington Post, the man who for so long had been her jailer offered her his hand to assist her assent.

I thank you, sir. This is the last trouble I shall ever give you, she said. She also thanked the execution for making an end of all my troubles. Charming till the end. Yeah, absolutely. Her last words before the axe fell over her head were, Into thy hands, oh Lord, I commend my spirit.

Which he was saying over and over again in Latin, apparently. She was 44 years old. Whoa. Old for the time. Yeah. And her head was removed with about 100 people watching on, which, gosh, that must have been terrifying for her. But apparently she was very stoic.

That's not an execution. That's euthanasia. At that, old age. You're doing it. It's the humane way to go. Three chops to the back. We don't want you to suffer anymore. Old lady.

44. Beheading, though, it's quick, isn't it? If they do it properly. Yeah, if it, yeah, I know. If they do it wrong, all of a sudden she's running around. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to get too brutal, too brutal, but the first one missed. No.

Oh, Dave. Yeah. I wasn't going to miss it. You are. I did ask. Oh, that's horrendous. Took three goes, poor Mary. Oh, my God. Missed entirely, though.

Oh, yeah. Just a whoosh sound. They're like, she's really tall. We're going to do it up here, but they went too high. They went seven foot. She's not that tall. No. Whoa.

Mary's clothes, crucifix and writing book, along with the executioner's block were all burned in the courtyard, so no relics remained. The beheading of Mary Queen of Scots was the first legal execution of an anointed European monarch, and it was a pivotal moment and would change forever the ancient tradition that royalty was untouchable. Over the decades and centuries that followed, many other monarchs would suffer the same fate. Pristening is a funny thing. Once you do something, you go, well, I guess we just do that now.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like opening a, you know, a can of Pringles. You go, you lop. Once you lop, you can't stop. But did Mary get the last laugh? Well, 16 years after her beheading, Elizabeth herself died. of natural causes, and with no children, it was Mary's son, James, that inherited the throne, uniting both Scotland and England as King James I. And her Mary's blood has flowed through all subsequent monarchs. Fuck you, Elizabeth. Until now.

Yeah, there you go. So Elizabeth, she didn't have any kids. She had no kids. So this is the... She was busy writing letters. Elizabeth is absolutely worthy of her own report because she ruled for four decades, a very long time. But she's famously the Virgin Queen. Oh, that's her.

So she never married. And her whole life, all her advisors are like, you have to marry, you have to marry, you have to have a son, you have to have a son, you have to have a son, all this, you have to have to have, all these people pushing her. But she knew or thought, basically what happened to marry, that if she married, a man would come in and take all her power. So she thought that if she stayed single, she could hold on to power. Which is true. But she could for the four decades of her life, and it meant that her heirs didn't continue on her legacy. Right. But yeah, this is very much, sadly, at the time, a man's ruled world.

and she knew that. So she was a very influential queen, but one of the reasons is people say because she never married. Right. Interesting. Yeah. What a story. I knew none of it as it turns out.

No, none. She became Mary Queen of Scots immortalised after her death as a doomed heroine, a figure of Scottish nationalism and as a Catholic martyr, which has been the subject of poetry, music, plays, films, opera TV over the centuries. Her son, James I of England, had Mary's run, remains removed to Westminster Abbey in 1612 and had an elaborate tomb built for his mother. And they might never have actually made in real life, but the Queen cousins are lying opposite each other for all of eternity as both are buried only a few metres apart in the

Henry the 7th Chapel in Westminster Abbey. Wow. That's somewhere we've never gone on our trips over. No, we haven't been. There'd be lots of previous topics buried or at least with a tribute to them in Westminster Abbey. Yeah. Wow. And I know it's a bit of a grim story.

So a final potential fun fact To end on a slightly higher note This is not a grim fact Maybe it's a boring fact But hopefully it's fun Without enough grim facts Yes I know Mary was the first woman

To practice golf in Scotland Okay that's pretty fun That's pretty fun She was apparently the first woman Full Stop to regularly play golf Yeah right Wow And I think maybe the famous golf course

San Andreas was built during her lifetime Yeah I think it goes back to the 1500s or something Wow Wow. So she was like their carrie web. Thank you for putting into context. Yeah, now I get it. A nice fresh reference.

I think she's, she was on, she was the world number one about 20 years ago. Yeah, perfect. Yeah. So that's a fun fact to end on maybe. That's pretty fun.

What a story. And so when you said she was marty, is she seen as an important figure in the Catholic Church? Like, she wasn't sainted or anything. She's not a saint, but she, what do you call sainted?

Pope? Saints? What do you really call the thing when you make someone a saint? You make him a saint? Yeah, that's right. Anointed? Given sainhood?

What do you say? Sainted? Yeah. Has she been sainted? No, but she is a famous figure in the Catholic Church, absolutely, and they do see her as a martyr. Right, just not saint quality. Not enough miracles.

Do you have to prefer four miracles? I think back in the day, martyrdom was enough, I think maybe early, but now it's like two miracles. Oh, please, please, I don't, that's not correct. I don't know. You don't have to correct us. We won't remember. You can.

People do it. I always appreciate it, but I can nearly never remember the things they're correcting me on. Never remember. But I like it. Thank you. Please correct me. The word is canonize. You canonize a saint.

It was when I was in primary school, geez, my teachers were keen on making Mary MacKillop a saint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was so keen. Got a canonize. I'll get an Aussie saint. We want an Aussie saint. God, we've got like Little Man Syndrome, don't we? Yeah, but it also just like, what are you in this for? Yeah. It's such a weird way to take a religion. Yeah.

Trying to make it, trying to make it a nationalistic thing or whatever. It's very strange. But anyway, they got her there. I think she is a saint, yeah. Well, that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show, Dave. And welcome to all the people who have skipped the report. You missed a very interesting story. I'd say. Grimmer than I thought, I really did think at the end she was going to come out. I'm like 19 years imprisoned. And then she comes out to rule Scotland after that. Wow, this is going to be amazing.

It would have been the comeback of the year. Yeah, but certainly not. But yeah, so I'd love to know when she started getting referred to as Mary Queen of Scots, if that happened like years later or what, because she didn't spend a lot of time in Scotland. No, I'm pretty sure that that was just to... That's just what they called it. That's what they called it. Yeah.

Well, it's a great name. And she deserved better. But this part of the show isn't about her. That's right. And, you know, to be honest, Mary Queen of Scots, just take a back seat for a moment. For a sec. The rest of the show is about thanking our fantastic supporters. It's also the part of the show where we get a little looser.

We've obviously been very strict, very on topic. Regimental. Yes. Now we get to loosen it up a bit. Yeah, finally we get to show you our personalities. which we keep secret the rest of the time. Yeah, we've been working on developing some in the off season. It's hard.

Off season to us is the rest of the week when we're not potting. Yeah, Thursday to Tuesday. Yeah. Thursday to Tuesday. Yeah. Well, because episode's coming out on a Wednesday. Okay. We record on Thursdays, but that's more of just like an admin thing that we know.

Yeah. The listeners don't necessarily know that. No, I just, I was trying to do the summer. Okay, cool. Because it really would be Wednesday to Wednesday because it's only a couple of hours. True. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter, and that's what's cool about us.

And this is the kind of fun stuff we'll have in this section of the show. It's well worth skipping the report for this. So if you want to get involved, go to patreon.com slash do go on pod, and you can support this show. You get all sorts of rewards, including at the moment, three bonus episodes per month, but we were just talking about it earlier. If we get to this new target, which is coming up soon, we will start doing a fourth each month, which will be a D&D.

What do you call them? A thing. Campaign. Campaign. Oh, my God. Great. Go, Jess. Thank you, Jess.

I love D&D. Yeah, a couple of years ago, we did Doogo D&D or Dogo, whatever we called it, which was a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. And on the Patreon, which is still there, because you get all the bonus episodes as well when you sign up, the old ones. And people really loved it. They've been asking us to bring it back. So we're going to do it when we hit the goal.

And I'm excited for it. I was just, I got lost because I'm thinking, like, what about... You think of new names? What about Dungeon and Drag? gone. Wait, dunj, do, do John. Yes. And drag on. Then what?

So the do, is in do John. Do John. And, wait, do go. I think it works written down. Well, I don't even know about that, but, um. Hey, we've got time to work out the title. How long was I out for then? It felt like ours.

Anyway, so yeah, there's also bonus episodes. People vote on topics like today's topic by Dave was voted on by our supporters. It's not even called Dungeon. It's Dungeon and Drake. Anyway, so, yeah, that's right. People get to vote for the topics. Quite a puzzle. Someone listening right now, be like, well, I got it.

And they'll tweet me and I'll not know what they're talking about. Someone smarter than us, let us know. But there's a Facebook group where it's the loveliest corner of the internet. At the moment, the godmother of the group. Do godmother. What is wrong with you two? Sovi's in there.

She's organizing a t-shirt swap at the moment where people, wherever they are on the world, she matches them up on a very complicated spreadsheet with other people. So say I'm in Melbourne, I send a t-shirt to someone in Austria and they send one back to me. Very cool stuff.

In the past, they've done magnets. They've done Christmas ornaments. What a beautiful. It's a lovely place, that is. So nice. And yeah, there's other things like you get early access to tickets. So, for instance, our 400th episode coming up, the patrons bought most of the tickets before they went public stuff like that. It's sold out in just a few days because the Patreon people got in first.

Good on them. But the first thing we normally like to do is, thank a few of our great supporters in the Sydney-Shaunberg section of the show, which is called the fact quote of question, which actually actually has a jingle go somewhere like this. Fact quote or question. He always remembers the ding. She always remembers the jingle. And can I just say, Dave added a dance to it this week. And that was lovely.

It's feeling it. We probably had to edit it out, but it was a tap number. A tap, tap, a tap. And in this section, you get to give us a fact, quote, or question, or a bragger, a suggestion. Or really, whatever you like, if you sign up on the Sydney-Shaunberg level. And first up this week, it's a first timer in the fact quote or question section. It is Victoria. You also get to give yourself a title,

and Victoria's title is Prostetnik Vogan Jelts. And does that mean anything to either of you? No, maybe it works written down like Dun John. Duke John. And Victoria's question is, what's your comfort media, a movie, TV show, music or book that you'll return to when you feel like you need something familiar and comforting? And as I always request,

going to ask a question in the section. Please give us an answer. And Victoria has done that writing. To answer the question myself, I have reread the Hitchhiker's Guide of the Galaxy books more times than I can remember. They hold a dear place in my heart and they're always a comforting read. P.S. The book cheat episode about it is obviously my favourite.

Thanks for all you do. Me and Jess just run that episode, weren't we go? That's right, yeah. The three of us together. It was a lot of fun and I really, really enjoyed reading it for that episode. Do you record that in my office? Yes, at the old studio. At my desk.

I remember that. Yes. It was live from Jess's desk. A tiny desk special. Now, did you know this prosthetnik Vogan Jets was a Vogon, civil servant and commander of the Vogan Constructor Fleet, which was sent to destroy the planet Earth? I can't figure out what. In what, though? I'm guessing Hitchhiker's Guide.

Oh, yes. That would make sense. That's my guess. Yes. Is that right, Dave? That's right. I would have said, I guess, Star Wars. I remember the word Vogue on somehow.

I guess. There's no way to prove anything, so I guess that's it. There's nothing to hold on here from Victoria. She hasn't given us any clues. Nothing at all. All right, comfort media. When I'm sick, I like to watch Tangled. But there's probably a bunch of rom-coms that are real comfort movies to me.

I just watched one on the plane that I've watched so many times. What's your number? And it's Anna Farris and Chris Evans. And it's funny. And it's just easy. Yeah. And then you go, he-he, and that's it. That's comfort. For me is shit blowing up on the screen. I'm talking Conair, the Rock, Under Siege. It's kind of speed. Dyer. It's a fun action movies that I have seen so many times. I know what's going to happen.

happen. Yeah. And, you know, you don't have to concentrate too hard. And then you get a bit of action, you get a bit of cool, cool funny lines. Yeah. I love that stuff. That's good, that's good shit. I don't, I don't think, for some reason, I don't feel comfort in old things like that necessarily. I'll much prefer to watch a new, like, probably a genre of a movie that is, is predictable. Yeah, and familiar. But, yeah, even movies I love, it takes me a while to want to go back and watch it after nearly have forgotten what happened to go back to it maybe it's different with music um or even some audio books i've been i've re-listen to alan partridge's audio books a few times and a few bill brisans um love that bill but yeah i think i need with them as well i kind of

need to have forgotten a lot of it before going back to it which i yeah i don't know is that mean there's something wrong with me yeah damn it i knew we'd finally figure it out Yeah, I think your problem is that you have a better memory than both of us. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We get to enjoy them for the first time. Every time. Good question, though, Victoria.

Yeah. But yeah, audio stuff, I think, would be more likely. Music, so many bands, you know, listen to, like, old pop punk sometimes, Playpoint 82 or old metal albums. Whatever brings you comfort? Loved back in the day. Thank you very much, Victoria. are. The next one comes from Pete Holburton. Dave's mate. Pete, I saw you on the street.

See you on the street again. I've met Pete a few times, but that one time you met him on the street, I think, makes your connection stronger. Genuinely, a great guy. Comes to lots of our live shows, Pete. And what does Pete do for a living again, Dave? I don't know if I know. Do I know Pete's job? He works for basically NASA, I think. And his... I know that he's a big fan of the Apollo missions, and that was his topic on hard quiz that he went on. He's some sort of rocket scientist or something. Oh, that makes sense. And his nickname is wannabe, steely-eyed missile man.

Good on you. John Aaron. And Pete's offering us a fact writing in 1908, a dog in Paris saved two children from drowning in two days and was rewarded with a juicy steak each time. Unfortunately, for the children of Paris, the dog was clever as well as brave, and I quickly learned it could save more drowning kids

if it knocked them into the river itself. They managed to save several more kids before the truth was discovered. That is. I mean, technically, the dog saved them. Yeah? Come on. That is good stuff. That is very good.

Pete says, love all the pods. Thanks for all the laughs. And thanks for the great comedy festival shows, both individual and the quizzes. All supoyab. Thanks, Pete. Pete, you're a gentleman. Pete came on my quietest night, and I was really worried it was going to be a really Grim show and everyone was a Patreon supporter, I'm pretty sure, on this night and looked

out there. And we actually had a really fun time. That's great. Seeing Pete's smiling and laughing face really kept me going. Everyone really got into it. He was thinking about something you thought of earlier, but... He had headphones in, but... He was facing the wrong way now, I think well.

But the back of your head, Pete, it really spoke to me. I think, yeah, that's right. He was watching Matt Stewart Live at Stupid Old Studios on YouTube, which are still available. Wow. Yeah. And very funny. Weird that he paid to see my show and then watch your special you can watch for free. Hey, let's not yuck anybody's yuck.

That's how Pete likes to have fun. By supporting you, sort of. Thanks, Pete. Appreciate your almost support. And thank you, Pete. And the next one comes from Roy Phillips, aka Pad Kid Who Pored, Curd, Pulled Cod. You son of a gun. You got through that all right, though.

Yeah. Pad kid who poured curd pulled cod. Good job. And Roy's also offering a fact writing. If you look at a sugar solution through a polarized light filter and rotate either the solution or the filter, it will change color. I can go into the science behind it, but it's quite long-winded and surprisingly complex. Anyway, hope that's interesting, Jess. Can I hear it again?

If you look at a sugar solution through a polarized light filter and rotate either the solution or the filter, it will change color. Huh. That does sound. I'd love to see it. I would love to see it. I don't understand it. I don't know if I can deem it of fun if I don't understand it. It's a thing, two things.

Yes. And without changing anything apart from the angle. So you're changing something? Yes. When you move one of them, the colour changes. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Cool fact.

Thank you, Roy. I thought that was fantastic. And finally, from Ben Johnson, whose title is a link to a Google map. Let's see where it goes. Ben Johnson Road Post Office. Okay, that's the title there. Or I guess the link is the title. Wow.

So technically the title is HTT-Slas-Goo. Dot Gull slash Maps, etc. And... Okay. Is Ben trapped somewhere and has sent us like dropped a pin or something? Let's find out because he's offering us a brag. Hi, I'm not trapped. Writing, hi guys.

Quick brag. time, I've been made redundant. Okay, usually I'd say sorry to hear that, but if it's a brag, right? Let's see what, any further explanation. Strange to think that I've been doing this job as the graphic designer for a small local charity for eight years and that it is soon coming to an end. To put it into context, I've been at this job since July 2015 before Do Go On even started. Probably at the same time we started recording.

Yeah, for sure. Almost exactly, I'd say. It's crazy to think how much has happened in the... the world in that time. Brexit, COVID, Ukraine, and so many Marvel movies. But the constants I always had were this job, my partner, Georgia, and the network of Australian podcasts I use as therapy. Mainly do go on.

My usual routine is to work at my desk and listen to old episodes on repeat. Oh, for comfort reasons? Oh, we are a comfort media. I actually, there's some podcasts I listen to old episodes. again, but again, I have to give it a bit of time. Got to forget the story. Because there's something wrong with me. Yeah.

So to have such a big change is quite scary for me. Now time for the real brag. I've been accepted onto an apprenticeship. I've been thinking of a career change for a while and being made redundant was a good kick up the ass to get going. It's a diploma apprenticeship in digital IT, working and earning a degree full time. I know it's going to be a lot of hard work,

but I could not be more excited. Plus it starts in late September just in time for Block. That's so great. Yeah. I'll be wishing everyone a happy Block without context. I could not have done this without the help of a couple of friends. So a huge shout out to Maya and Reese. And of course you guys will be there with me too.

Every episode of the pod makes life a little easier. Time to add a cheeky question because it's a diplomar. Time to add a cheeky question because it's a diploma apprenticeship. I thought it was going to be diplomatic. A diplomat. You were trying to say like the name of a dinosaur or something. It was the world's biggest diplomat. It doesn't mean him until he reads him.

Because it's a diploma apprenticeship. Everyone else on the course will be fresh out of their A level. We'll all be a decade younger than me. In order to keep up with youth, I'll need to download TikTok start vaping and learn some modern slang words. Yep. So can you teach me some of the freshest slang words you know so I can make everyone think I'm a fellow youth. Yes, us elder millennials can help you. Absolutely.

Everything is Slay. Oh, yeah. What gives you the... What gives you the ick? Yeah, that's so cringe. Yeah, I'm criss. Apparently... Extra.

Nothing's extra. Jess has explained this to me. Domes on coffees are not cool. Yeah, dome lids. If you've got a dome lid on a plastic. That's cringe. I mean, that was true a month or two ago. I think dimes are back.

Ben answers a couple of the latest slang words. I know a bustin and no cap. Though I don't know what these mean. I don't know what either of these mean. Thanks and sorry for the long post. Love you guys. Yeah. Since between me starting and ending, reading out your message, slang has changed.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not sure what no cap means. Let's find out. No cap. Ben, I've got you covered. No lie, for real. There's a Wikipedia article called Lizzie. of Generation Z slang.

Oh my God. Thank you so much for those fantastic fact quotes and questions there from Ben, Roy, Pete and Victoria. The next thing we like to do is shout out to a few of our other great supporters. And Jess, you normally have a bit of a game to play somehow. Well, yeah, I mean, it seems I haven't used my laptop since the last time we recorded because I still have my horse name generator open. So maybe we could say what they're queen of.

Yeah, great. Brilliant. I could find stuff. And we'll let AI decide. Yeah. Is that what happened to Mary? Yeah. She was named to the Queen of Scotts.

What are the chances? This is nominative determinism. That's wild. From the horse name generator. It made no sense as well. She spent more time in jail or France. A lot of time in England. Yeah, in jail in England or living in France.

Queen of Jail. Couch Queen. All right. If I can kick herself, I'd love to thank from White Horse, unbelievably. Whoa. from YT in Canada. Where would YT be? It's Samuel Primard.

I was like Yukong Territory. Yukon Territories? I'm guessing here. Don't fact check me. I'll do it myself. Samuel Primard is the monarch of the... No, they're all queens. Oh, they're all queens.

The queen of the... Cincinnati. Queen of the Cincinnati. Okay. Queen of the Cincinnati. And again, not in Cincinnati, so it doesn't make sense. Wasn't there that movie The Last King of Scotland? And I think that was a guy who never went to Scotland, maybe.

I never saw it. Oh, yeah, Idi Amin. Idi Amin. That was who that was about. I've heard of him. Anyway, so Samuel Primard is the Queen of Cincinnati. Sounds like a racehorse, really. Yeah.

Thank you, Samuel, for all your support. The next person I love to thank you from Edmonton in Canada as well. Hello, Canada. It's Jaden Heine. That's a great way to interesting. Hello Canada. It's Shaden Hyne. Wow, that is good.

Queen of Hocus Pocus. Ooh, great. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. A little witch. I'll have ten bucks each way on Queen of Hocus Pocus. Just Hocus Pocus is a good name for a horse, isn't it? Fantastic.

I mean, that's why it's on a horse generator. Yeah. Nothing of the best. I know, I should not a race horse generator, is it? Just horse name generator? Yeah, you could pat Hocus, but that's a good name for it. You know, your kid's pony. That's Hocus Pocus.

Maybe the local fairy. dress-up person puts a horn on it, takes it a kids' parties or something. Deacon called Tocus Pocus. Yeah. That's cute. And finally for me, I'd love to thank from Griffith in New South Wales, Australia. It's Jeremy Gleeson. Hello, Australia.

Hello, Griffith. Queen of? Ratatouille. Oh. Now, is Ratatouille something apart from the name of a rat in a cartoon? It's not the name of the rat. What? Ratatoui is a dish.

It's a vegetable dish. A very good looking rat. It's not a rat. It's a dish. Serve me up some of that rat Is that Jenset slang right there? Yeah Right, so Rattatooie is not the name of the rat

Is that a good movie? Yeah, it's a great movie I bet Rattatooie is the name of like a Probably like a fancy dish It's stewed, it's stewed vegetables All kind of assembled like that Yeah, so I quite like them Yeah, it's nice

Yeah, right, there you go, Ratatooie It would be weird to name a rat Rattatooie, I guess He'd be like calling just human toui Yeah Have I ever told you how I bomb in front of a waiter once. I was out with two friends, and the meal of the day was ratatooie. So my first friend goes, I'll have ratatooie.

My second friend goes, I'll have ratatooie. And I said, make that ratatooey. That's funny. Absolutely bombed. That's probably because every table had said that. Do you reckon? Do you reckon every table's ordering three ratatouis? I've never heard of the dish before.

Maybe they just didn't get it. I think, can I punch it up a bit? Please. I don't think I can, but I would have said, you set it up again. Okay, so I'll say ratatoo, I'll have a ratatoo, Jess says, should I have a retorto to it and then you're me. Okay. Oh, I'll have a ratatooie, please.

Yeah, I'll also have the ratatooey, thanks. I might have a Radoeswellie. The whole restaurant goes wild. Radoeswelly. You're like, okay, what else do you want? See, Dave, don't try jokes ever again. That's the lesson. That was the last time I tried a joke.

That was about eight years ago. What are we doing? We're thinking people. Hey, let me give a big shout out. From Carlingford in New South Wales. Thanks for the support. From Frank Draper. Oh, that's a good name.

Frank Draper, queen of nutcracker. Queen of Nutcracker. Queen of Nutcracker. Frank Draper. That's fantastic. Great. I reckon you could put that on your business cards, Frank. Frank Draper sounds like a businessman.

It does. It sounds like someone that would get the job done. I trust you with my life already. Frank Draper, queen of Nutcracker. What can I do? For you. Everything rhymes with this guy. I would like to thank now from South Elgin in Illinois.

It's Riley Ness. Queen of punk. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah, Riley. Punk is a funny name for a horse. Yeah. Punk. What's your name?

Punk. That's good I love it And from Irwin, Pennsylvania Shout out to Tommy Isherwood Pennsylvania Named after a guy called Penn

Weren't that in a Bill Bryson book No, no I was thinking Pittsburgh Pitt is Named after a guy called Penn Names work in weird ways I guess We've just gone

Canada Canada Australia Australia US US What are the odds What are the odds? And Tommy Issuitt is Queen of Rodeo. Oh, yeah. Queen of Rodeo. Queen of Rodeo.

Damn right. A bucking bronco. Is it my time to thank some people? Absolutely. I would love to thank from, where are we up to? Oh, yes, from Escondido in California, A. I would love to thank Darylain Atkinson. Darylindsson.

Darylund Atkinson. That's a fantastic. Darylon Atkinson's beautiful. And Darylon is. is Queen of Pirates. Oh, yeah. It's the name. Yar.

Darrylinson, Queen of Pirates. Love it. Broke the pattern there, though. Daryl, that's the only, I mean, a pirate would. Pirate doesn't care for law and order. No. Canada, Canada, Australia, Australia, US, US. US.

Yes, very disappointing. Let's see if we can turn this around. Okay. As I think, from Glasgow. Ooh. In Great Britain. Tracy Matheson. Oh, Tracy Matheson's got to be queen of the Scots.

No, that would make too much sense. Who are they queen of, Jess? Biscuits. Oh, Queen of biscuits. That's the best. Queen of biscuits is fantastic. Yum. I'll have a Monte Carlo, please.

Oh, yeah, Monte Carlo for me, the queen of biscuits. I'll have a chocolate-covered teddy bear, please. Oh, what is this, the dunce of biscuits? Yum, I love the chocolate covered. You know what the other day that? Dunce? That's just named after a guy. Really?

Yeah. Whoa, Gary Dunst. We only knew. I think you about doing a Patreon episode about words that are named after people and where they came from. Love it. Because I came up, I went, Dunst, that can't be real. That's amazing. Or a bit like Ponzi scheme.

Yes, Cassanovers. Yeah, okay, we've just spent a few for you. Yeah, great. I'll bring some in for a Patreon episode. Great, love that. And finally, to bring it all home, I would love to thank from Address Unknown. We can only assume Scotland so that it all. joins up nicely.

Sophie Houston. I love the idea from now on we don't assume the fortress. We just assume Scotland. No, it's fun. It's so sad. It's great. We're like, I assume we've just got hundreds of extra lists in Scotland. Okay, I've got a couple of good ones here.

Okay, Queen of. Queen of Gentlemen. Oh, yeah. Or Queen of Twist. Oh, Queen of the Gentleman Twist. Oh, that sounds good. That feels like twisting their nuts. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's a wrestler name. Putting gentlemen in a twist. A squirrel grip. Yes. Queen of the squirrel grip. There it is. Thank you so much to Sophie, Tracy, Daryl and Tommy, Riley, Frank, Jeremy, Jaden and Samuel. The last thing we need to do, nay, want to do is welcome a few people into the Triptitch Club.

Beautiful club that Jess will explain for you right now. Well, what it is is if you support us over on patreon.com. for three consecutive years on the shoutout level or above, you get automatically brought into the TripDitch Club. It's an exclusive, very cool club. I still think of it like an airport lounge, but it's got everything you could possibly need. And I'm behind the bar, I've got snacks for you,

drink cocktail specials. Dave books a band. Matt's behind the velvet rope. He lets you in. Everybody cheers and goes completely nuts. This week, I've got. Haggis and scotch. So, I'm in.

Pretty good. That's a yes for me. And I've also got these like veggie wraps that I got from this food truck at Edinburgh fringe. I went back a few times because they were really freaking delicious and very crunchy and I miss them and I think about them often. But you track them down. I've tracked them down and I've got them.

Fantastic. That's great. They're really good. So yeah. And that's for a band. You're never going to believe it. Obviously I booked this kind of artist, this level of artistry. I have to book years in advance

But somehow I have booked Scotland's own DJ superstar Calvin Harris He's Scottish There you go There you go Yes I don't believe it

You said I'm not going to believe it And you were right I don't believe it Thank you I will believe it when I see it Is then you don't believe that he's Scottish Or I don't believe any of it

Welcome into my house Coming into my house Is that him Dama down to my house It is a Scottish house You really gave away In a Scottish Come to my wee house

house. I always thought it was a different kind of house. I thought it was a piss palace. So we got quite a few inductees this week. Dave, are you ready? You're past ready of the hype man. Yeah, so as Matt welcomes these people and I'll give him a hype up and then Jess gives me a hype up for hyphen these people up to keep me going. That's right. We got 13 inductees. I'm queen of the hype. Oh yeah. And Dave is queen of the hype. And here we go. Are you ready? From Rotherham in, do you reckon that's right? Rotherham. Rotherham.

Rotherham. From Rotherham in Great Britain, it's Thomas Hill. Look, some people said I was over the hill, and then I met Thomas. And now I'm over the Thomas. From Atherton in California, in the United States, it's Kendall Levison. More like Kendall Heavenson. Yeah, you're heaven. From address unknown, currently shrewing from Deep within the Fortress of Scotland.

It's Matt Byrne. Phil the Burn. Yeah. Matt. Burn is a Scottish name, I think. From Rossendale in Lancashire in Great Britain, it's William Maudsley. Certainly not Rossin fail when William Maudsley's around. It's a Mossom win.

Yeah. Woo! Rosson win. I was like, I've gone with it. From Barnett in Great Britain, it's Katie Fitz. Katie fits more like greatest hits. Oh, Katie Fitz. It almost rhymes with Katie.

Brady hits. Katie fits in anywhere you want her. Very good socially. Ooi. From London in Great Britain. It's Conner. Kennedy. All right, what did you do for this one?

Yeah, go on. Certainly not cursed when it comes to friendship, Connor Kennedy. I'd say, Your Honor, Kennedy. Just because yours is better that one time. From Woolen Gabbard in Queensland, in Australia, it's Catherine Gray. The sky certainly aren't Catherine Gray when you were around, even on me. From Bratling in the Northern Territory, Australia's James Rogers. never have to wait, lean, for a good conversation when James Rogers is here.

From Pakenham in the Australian Capital Territory, it's Bo Stephen. Bo Stephen. Foe even. There was almost something there, do you know what? You pick it up here, Matt. Go on, go on. First thing you know, I'll be back in Bo Steven again. Like Bo River, the called Chisel song.

Oh, okay. I'll be back in. I only just saw that through. My apologies for that Sometimes things come to my mind And I go That definitely rhymes But I can't say it

Because it really sounds weird But I'll be in your vibe I'll be in your vicinity In your bubble Yes I wish anyway Because that's how good you are In your orbit

Yes Because you just suck everybody towards you because you're so great Yeah From London in Great Britain It's Millie B Silly me It's Millie B

Can't improve on From Pekipski In New York In the United States It's Garret Just a hop, Pekipski and a step away. Very locally is here to stay. That's good stuff.

Why not jump? Shut up! From Bedford in Great Britain, it's Lucas Shirt. Let's put this night to Bedford with Lucas Shirt. Woo! You shared me right. Yeah. Honestly, he just can't let you have this one thing.

From, finally, from Tidweth in Great Britain, it's Danny Charlotte. No Charleston. She's the real deal. She's the real Danny. She's the real Danny. Yeah, that's the one too. They're no Charlottin. They're the real Danny. Welcome in Danny, Lucas, Garrett, Millie, Bo, James, Catherine, Connor, Katie, William, Matt, Kendall and Thomas.

Make yourselves at home. Kick your feet up. Just sees it as an airport lounge. I've always seen it more like a Vegas velvet lounge, you know. Lights are down low. Sexy. Yeah, maybe you're drinking a port or in this case a whiskey. Yeah.

Frank Sinatra's on stage But tonight it's the band Calvin Harris Yeah, this century's Frank Sinatra Well that brings us to the end of the episode Anything we need to tell people before we go Bob

That we love them And we're not mad at them for that one thing And if they were a suggest a topic They're disappointed They can do that They go to our website dogodpodpod.com Where you can find info about live shows You can see other podcasts we do

and you can find us on socials at DoGoOnPod as well. Hey, we'll be back next week with another episode. Can't believe it. We're only a couple away from 400 now. Of course, you can join us for the live stream on June 17, 2023. If you want to watch that, and you can watch it live or on catch up. We're in Stupid Old Studio, so it's not just a locked-off camera. We've got a full production going on there.

Oh, it's going to look so good. Multiple cameras. See us from all sorts of angles. Some you probably don't want it. So you can get tickets for that at the website, Jess said. Do go on pod.com. But until then, until next week, that is. I'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye.

Later. Bye. Jess is drinking a pure peppermint tea. Man, that looks good. Yeah, it's already got. I never even thought about that. There's hot water in the kitchen. Yeah.

Holy fuck, I could be drinking tea in here. Yeah, yeah. Jesus. My throat goes. Fuck, that's. I thought, let's keep that looped. I love to. You know what I did this morning?

A B. Y a mug too. I scald a tea that was too hot in the shower. Because I'm like, I've got to get in. I'm going to get in for the pod. You didn't think to add some cold water to it? None of it made sense. I was panicking. Watered down with the warm water from the shower here.

Yeah, that could have helped. God. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, Oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester. But this way you'll never miss out.

And don't forget to sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree. Very, very easy. It means we know to come to you, and you'll also know that we're coming to you. Yeah, we'll come to you. You come to us. Very good.

And we give you a spam-free guarantee.