Do Go On - 40 - The Three Montys

Episode Date: July 26, 2016

Three men, one identity. Who is the real Monty? During World War II, two men impersonate English General Bernard Montgomery. One of them can't dance and the other is the world's biggest bad ass. A story of deception and espionage. This is the story of The Three Montys...Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hi, welcome to Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnicky, and I am here with Matt and Jess Perkins and Stuart. Oh, mixed up with the other way around, though. It's not Matt Perkins, not Jess Stewart.

That was actually hard for me to say the wrong way. Do you think if people had a guess so far, who, out of the three of us, who'd had some beers, who'd probably recommend guests? Who are guessing me? Yeah. I have, let me explain, I have not had any beers. but I have moved house today. I'm very, very tired.

And what happens when I get really tired before I crash is I get very hyperactive to compensate. And that is what I'm experiencing right now. So who knows if that's going to keep going or if I will crash and burn in 10 minutes? It's good. It's somebody else's turned to be the hyperactive child on this show. And now I'm going to be the cool, you know, calm and collected one. We were having a good old sing song before, the Fleetwood Mac. All right.

All right. Not Fleetwood Mac. I think that's East 17. East 17. Sorry, I get those two confused. Cabler Classic band. Yeah. That's a good point.

Both, you know, lasting long after they... Well, sleep with Mac, are still going. Long before and after East 17 ever existed. Did we explain what this podcast is? At this point, if you don't know, it's episode number 40. Happy 40th, everyone. There could be brand new listeners. We look great for 40.

Hello, brand new listeners. We look pretty great. We like Fleetwood Mac and E-17. One of us drinks. One of us moves house. And Jess is great. The full spectrum. We tick all the boxes.

This is the show where we do a one of us takes it. Well, we take it in turns each week to do a report or write a report on a topic and report back to the class. Matt's got his hand raised. Yes, mate. Where one of us takes it in turns. What's confusing. How does that? Oh no.

All right. So we're going to take it in turns. New format. We all take it in turns. Wanted it? All right. This is going to be... I'm pretty hyperactive.

We broke his brain. Anyway, it's my turn to do the report. That's what I'm trying to get to. And these are our favourites, aren't they, Matt? Yes. High five there. So they, Jess and Matt, don't know what I'm about to talk about. We never do.

But we do know that it'll be around 4,000 words worth. Yeah. Now, I tried to cut a little bit shorter this week. What are we? 3.6? 3.3. Wow. Wow.

It took a bloody... Big cut for you, Dave. There will be time for a few Q&As at the end. I'm so proud of you though. Thank you. Yeah, it's really great. Thank you so much. That's great.

Okay. So we start with a question. Let's get stuck in. I've got the question. And the question is, we'll get to the topic. But first of all, question. Who do people tell you you most look like?

Who do people? And it could be a famous person or it could just be... Steve, Ashimi. For a year. You're pointing at me. I get told to look like a few people. Steve Boshimi, Tildes Swinton, you know. Wait.

So this topic's about someone who I look like. No, no. It will be about... No, well, I don't want to give away the topic first. I just want to go around the table. So, Matt, do people ever say, hey, you look like my friend or, hey, you look like that guy? The two main ones that I've gotten over my life. The first one is only going to be...

Make any sense to Australian listeners. and probably not necessarily all of them, but I get told sometimes I look like a young Captain Snooze, which is Rod Quantock and Australian comedy legend. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, like a younger version because he's a veteran. He's like the longest-running Australian comedian, pretty much. Yeah, he's like an absolute pioneer.

And the other one is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Oh, that's pretty good too. I was really happy you meant Shaggy, the After-Macon rapper. Mr. Bombastic. Mr. Rovalova. Shug it. Remember he should just yell shug it. And then he gets other people to sing the chorus and still take all the credit.

Shug it. Shug it. It wasn't me. He just recorded that once and then copy and pasted it in. Smart man. Yeah, no, I don't look at all like him. But you look, so Shaggy and Scooby-Duck and totally see that. Yeah, it's weird to be told you look like a cartoon character, but fair enough.

How about you? J-P. Both a furniture mascot and a cartoon character. Live in the dream. Yeah, very sweet. I've been told a couple of female comedians that I look like. I used to get told I look like Corinne Grant. Again, Australian reference.

Australian comedian. Yeah. And I, well, I don't know. People always say I'm like Celia Piccolo, but I think that's mannerisms rather than looks. But I don't really, I don't think I look like anybody. Now, if you could perfect both the looks and the mannerisms, then you would be well up for the topic that we're always.

talking about today. Okay. Some sort of a, is this about the liar bird? Australian native bird who can mimic any sound. Sound, but. And look. And look. As long as the look is that of a liebird.

That of the liebird. Or if the liebird is half chameleon also. That is not the tommy, but so close. I'm the one who had beers today. Yes. Yes, Maddie. I just have a cold. coming on.

So I'm actually feeling quite mellow, which is rare. No, look, we're all having good time, so either deal with it.

Oh, fuck off. Okay. Okay, so we've got Corinne, we've got Shaggy, we've got Steve Bashemi.

You've officially intrigued me. Some people take that to a whole new level and they are professional looking like other people. Like professional impersonators? Well, obviously there's people

like, or body doubles? Do it for money, like on the Hollywood strip, people that dress up, let Marilyn Mun know, get your photo with. Is this the blue character from X-Men? Which one, Beast? No, the other blue character.

The Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, Jennifer. Yeah. She's a shapeshifter, right? She's called... Mistique? Mr. Mimick. Mr. Mimick.

It throws them up every time. MISTIC for sure. Yeah, Misteak was right. I'd really committed to getting it wrong. It sounds like you made a mystique over there. I made a big MISIC. Steak. Thank you.

That was a high five from Jess. I'm dishing out the high five. No, no. That was worth a high five. Oh, it totally was. Okay, but obviously some people do this for money, but it's pretty obvious that it's not Marilyn Monroe, but I'm talking about people that pretend to be world leaders. What?

It might be when the famous person they're impersonating is sick or so they're not easily followed or worse, assassinated. Have you seen the movie Dave? I've never seen the movie Dave. Which is ridiculous because your name is Dave. I know. Is that about an impersonator of the American president? Yes.

Played by a guy with a mustache? No. Shug it. I think he does have a much. No, he doesn't have a mustache. Maybe he does. But the guy had a mustache at one point? I think you're combining Dave and fierce creatures.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a mustache in fierce creatures. Kevin Klein. Kevin Klein. Yes. Mustache. The gorny weaver. Mustache.

So it's not Kevin Klein. It's Kevin Klein. It is. Who has had a mustache? No, I think your, the character does not have a mustache in Dave. All right, but in life, he has had a mustache. Deny me that. Deny that.

Can you? I would never. All I was saying was that Dave had a mustache when he was a different person. Okay. Thank you. Jess, isn't really that confusing, Corinne? What is going? I don't know.

I don't know what the topic is. Every week. We haven't got to the topic yet. We haven't got to the goddamn topic. Okay. Every week feels like it's our loosest episode. 40. Shagir.

So people that look like world leaders, like I say, if the world leader is sick or they want to try and be a decoy so they're not followed or so they're not assassinated. People that have allegedly had doubles because they're pretty secretive about it. Osama bin Laden, apparently had many doubles. Stalin? Sure. Hitler. Fidel Castro. Sorry, which Hitler will we be talking about?

There's so many. There's so many. Yeah. This is a joke. Gary, Gary Hitler. It's just a joke because you're just saying like, just their surnames, but it could be. Could it be anyone. Could have been.

Jimmy Hitler? Little Jimmy Hitler. Remember that guy? He was a big, it was a big song and dance man. Little Jimmy Hitler. Welcome to the stage. And he'd come out and go, hey, you tapy tapas. Hey, I'm a little Jimmy Hitler.

Booboo. Boo-de-boo, boo. Here we go. And the lights are drop down. He was the first break dancer. Little Jimmy Hitler. Wasn't it amazing how his career suddenly went down after 1939? Yeah, especially because he started in the 60s.

I don't know what that means. You're great at improv. Yes, and. Just shit all over his suggestion. Oh, I did too. You bastard. So, hey, give it to me again. No, fuck you.

No, Dave, give it to me again. He don't deserve it. Cup that, Jimmy Hitler. Yeah, he did. His career went downhill then. See? There we go. Yes.

And he did. Now, so I want to talk about body doubles. Sure. Before we get into the main topic, I want to talk about one of my favorite examples that I read about of the lookalike. And that is the CIA apparently used a lookalike to try and take down the first Indonesian president, Sukarno, Sukarno in the 1950s. So he was the first president of Indonesia after the country declared independence from the Netherlands. We're learning here. Since 1800 it was a colony

A colony known as Dutch East Indies And then was occupied by Japan during World War II And then after the Second World War Socano became the country's first president But he started veering Indonesia to the left By providing support and protection to the Indonesian Communist Party Sorry, we started veering it to the left I imagine Indonesia as a boat

He's like left, left, left Left, left That's very funny in my head then he also embarked on a series of aggressive foreign policies that were anti-imperialistic with the aid of Soviet Union and China obviously the enemies of the Americans because this is during the Cold War

so America didn't like him so they wanted to try and disgrace him try and disgrace him so a real effort was made to come up with a pornographic film or at least some still photographs that could pass for Sakan

and his Russian girlfriend engaged in, quote, his favorite activity. Sex. I was really happy you're going to be like, fuck him. But, um... That would be very discrediting.

The president and his girlfriend have sex. Get him out of here. No, but, so, um, he was also married, and so they wanted to try and embarrass him. And what they first did was they went through a bunch of existing pornoes to try and see if there was one that looked like him. God, imagine how he was.

that job. And they didn't find one. Smith, you've got to go through all of the porn in the world. So, yeah, we want a guy that looks exactly like that, and she's got to look like a blonde Russian woman. Well, she was a brunette Russian woman. Not good enough. Try again.

Try again. So the CIA decided to try and make its own porno. Great. And because they still couldn't find any porn stars that look like the Indonesian leader, they developed a full-faced mask of him. No. And then they sent it to Los Angeles, made the film. No copy of the film has survived, sadly.

But apparently the plan was... Would you want to see it? Imagine a 1950s quality mask. Trying to look like an actual person. Having sex. It was like a big paper mashay. You know when you have a mask and you can tuck it into a shirt or something? But there'd be nothing to tuck into it because he's naked.

No, no, he tucked it into his foreskin. My favorite problem. part of that sentence was the look of immediate regret on your face. Oh dear Matthew. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, I will say that. And apparently, the plan was an absolute failure, and Indonesians didn't care at all. I cannot believe that it was a failure.

They didn't care, and he went on to be present until the 60s. His popularity grew. Much like. Much like his foreskin? Close. Close. Close. Now, that is one of my favorite examples, but my absolute favorite story of political

decoy is it happened during the Second World War. And right now I'd like to take a moment to do a shout out to Joe Boyd, who messaged us on Facebook, requesting that we do the topic of World War II pranks and decoys, because there's a lot of these. I like Joe Boyd's work. She's giving us some great feedback. Yes, we do love people. Over the time that we've been doing the show. How many beers? Long-term listener, Joe Boyd.

Thank you very much. I'd actually come across this topic when I was doing the Diat-Love Pass research, because I was looking up... Dilatov, I think. I think it's Dilettov, is what your pronunciation. I'm mispronouncing my mispronunciation. And I was looking up to start. Mispronancing. Oh, no.

Yeah, so I came across the Stalin decoy, and that's how we got into this. But this does tie into Joe's suggestion of World War II pranks and decoys. So I hope that you'll like this one, Joe. So World War II, my favorite story of political decoy is the impersonation of Bernard Montcoy. That is a fantastic name. Never heard of him. He heard of the famous English general, Bernard Montgomery. No, not.

Nicknamed. It's very accusatory when he says. Oh, nice. The famous? You've ever heard of the famous Guy Montgomery? No, I've heard of Guy Montgomery. What was the name again?

Bernard. Montgomery. Now, but if you're an English person, which we have a fair few people in the UK listening to the show, I'm sure that you would have heard of Bernard Montgomery growing up. It's kind of like John Monash for us, you know? Do you know the man on the $100 bill with a mustache?

Yeah. Also, I went to Monash University. Do you ever heard of it? No, that was named after Dylan Monash. Fuck. No, it wasn't. It made that up. God damn.

Made him feel shit. Now, before we get to the impersonation part of the story, I've got to give you a background on Bernard Montgomery or Monty. Monti's use. He was born in London in 1887. Classic Monty. Is he a geyser? 1887.

What a year to be alive? 1887? It was a while ago. He was the son of an Anglican bishop. The year was 1887, London. I think it's even before that voice. It's really, really old. But he was the son of an Anglican bishop, Henry Montgomery.

And his wife, Maud, who was 18 years younger than Henry. Maud. A lot of very simpsony names. Mord Montgomery. C. Montgomery. Montgomery. Yes, more than Montgomery. Henry Montgomery, so Monty's father,

became the Bishop of Tasmania. Sorry, what? In 1889. In Australia. Like our Tasmania. Tasmania in Australia. So just two years after his son's birth, the family moved to Tasmania.

What? Yeah. What? And he spent a lot of time there. Bishop Montgomery considered it his duty to spend as much time as possible in the rural area of Tasmania. All of them.

Well, he was away up to six months at a time. So he didn't see his dad. dad very much. It's not that big. I know, but he was just off, being the bishop. Hey, we're, because we got Tasmania in the hat as well. So does this, does this mean we can tick off Tasmania? That's desperate to tick it off because the hat is so full, he can't even put it on. Sitting way above my bloody head.

Yeah, you look like an idiot. Oh, hang on, but that's going to live with the hat. You should insult it yourself. Oh, hang on, fuck. Now, Maude, Moord Montgomery took little, so the husband's away. Morn's raising the children, but she took little accent. somebody think of the children. Well, not more, because she took little interest in their education,

other than to have them taught by tutors. So she was like, you know, just go away, go on, I didn't spend much. It wasn't very loving with their children. The loveless... Okay, okay. Well, you're making a bit of an assumption there based on her attention to their education. That doesn't mean she didn't love them. Quote, that I read.

The loveless environment made Bernard something of a bully, as he himself recalled. Quote, I was a dreadful little boy. I don't suppose anybody would put up with my sort of behaviour these days, but in 1887, anything, anything went. Do you have a quote from Maud saying she didn't love her children? Yeah, otherwise that doesn't count. Later in his life, Montgomery refused to allow his son David to have anything to do with his grandmother and refused to attend her funeral in 1949. Do you have a quote from Maud saying she doesn't love her children?

All of us, all you've given us so far is this misogynistic boy who just thinks everything he mum, His mum tried very hard. It's mum tried very hard. It's not easy being a mother in the 17th century. Dave? Did you know about that? The 17th century. He's bad centuries.

19th century. What year is it? 18, 87. The 21st century. Oh, boy. I mean, to be honest, it's not easy to be a mother in any of these centuries. I don't think it is. And I mean, like, until you've mothered a child, Dave, maybe you're not in a position to say whether or not Maud is a good loving mother or not.

Dave, have a think about that. Fair enough. He didn't love her. There we go. Okay. There we go. You can say that. And the evidence that you have presented indicates that.

So let's not shit all overmower. I did hear a story that the man himself told Monty that he was called smoking. so he was a bit of a rubber house, a bit of a troublemaker. Bad boy. Got caught smoking. His dad comes out and says, think about what you've done. I want you to go to apologize to God,

so he started praying because his dad's this bishop. Sure. Monty thought that the problem was dealt with until his mother found out. And then she beat the shit out of him with a stick. So there you go. So she's not a very much. Doing God's work. Dave, doing God's work.

Doing God's work. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Doing God's way. Stop putting your finger on Dave's lips. With a stick. No, please do. Put it back there. That's it, Maud.

The family moved back to London when the bishop got another job. Oh, good. When Monty was in his teens, teens. Bernard Montgomery went to military school and upon graduation became a career soldier. He became a soldier and served for a time in India. World War I started, so it was a soldier before World War I. And he was one of the first people to fight. is there from the

He's just out there with boxing gloves Huh? Let me at him Let me at him Well not what most people Won is that it started with just two guys boxing And it just got out of hand It got out of hand

He's not worth it No, fuck him What did you say about my mum? Boom! And suddenly there was fighting everywhere And I don't mind if I call Mauda dickhead But you can't

That's my mom suddenly, you know, 40 million people died. So he started fighting in France very early on the war, and two months in he was shot through the lung. And in the knee by a sniper, a very harrowing event where he was shot. And another man he was with was also shot, because they were out of the trench in no man's land.

He gets shot, the other guy gets shot, and falls on top of him. And then he can't move all night, because if he stands up, he'll get shot again. so the other guy dies on top of him and eventually when it gets dark someone goes out and rescues him and they didn't think he was going to make it but he made it

awesome and he was awarded the distinguished service order for gallant's leadership for lying still lying still under a slowly dying body well this is what I've got a quote here from the London Gazette in December 1914 talking about his award conspicuous gallant

leading on 13th of October when he turned the enemy out of their trenches with the bayonet so he started stabbing people when he was severely wounded. So he's a real tough guy. Yeah, cool. He's a bit of badass.

There's only a couple weeks ago we were talking about where we'd like to be shot. Didn't think of lung, did we? Lung? No. In fact, I said no vital organs, but here he is. Yeah, I guess you've got a couple. You've got a backup plan. No one tweeted in where they'd like to be shot.

Probably a good thing. Probably. Yeah. Well, they've got a chance now. Yeah, do you want to make that public? Yeah, I don't. Where would you like to be shot? That's not good.

I maintain the flabby. bit. Is there a problem with making it public? That would mean if you were going to shoot them,

I know where to avoid. Yeah, exactly. All right. I'm going to get him in the head. They didn't want it

there. They did want to do. Suckers. They're going to look really stupid. He returned to combat and rose to the ranks throughout World War I

and when he finished he was a lieutenant colonel. Lieutenant Colonel. Just for context. It goes Officer Cadet second lieutenant. Lieutenant.

Captain Major Lieutenant Colonel So it's about halfway up here And then it goes... Oh God, there's more Well, it's a lot more I think in England

It's left tenant I think in America it's lieutenant And it's spelled the same But it's pronounced differently Anyway, not important Not worth stopping him Sorry Dave No, that's okay

And then it goes Colonel Brigadier Major General I like Brigadier Me too Lieutenant General General

Field Marshal or Captain General at the top. So he's about halfway out. Wow. This is through one war, so four years. So he's risen through the ranks pretty good. Yeah.

Between the wars, he remained in the army because he's a career soldier. He had not at first been selected for Staff College, which is he's only a hope of achieving high command. This is where you get picked to be trained. Sure. To become one of these top five people that I said. Yeah. But at a tennis party in Cologne, Oh my God.

At tennis party, that's right. What is his life? He was able to persuade the commander in chief of the British Army, so William Robertson, to add his name to the list. Let me in. All right. Yeah, it was easy. I imagine that's what happened.

Well, tennis parties, everyone's feeling loose. We'll have a rally. Whoever wins the rally. Gets to be the colonel. Gets to be the colonel. That seems fair. One, two, three over. Here we go.

One. Two. Three. Over Smashed in Oh come on Hey I wasn't ready yet No that wasn't a real

Best two or three Cup that I'm the general Is that how it went Is that how that conversation went? Poor sportsmanship if you ask me Well Speaking of poor sportsmanship

I didn't I wasn't going to put this in But I did Hear a story Listen to a BBC Podcast A podcast called Great Lives

That I often listen to Oh From by the BBC It's been going for years and what happens is a famous person comes in and they have to talk about a person from history that they admire and then they get an expert

to come in as well and they just talk about the person so I listen to the one on Bernard Montgomery which is very interesting and the story that one of the the expert on Monty told was that when he was in India when he was a young soldier the German

prince came to visit this before the war so they're not fighting he came to visit and the boss of the army base got Monty, he said, oh, we're going to organise like a soccer match between our soldiers and his entourage. Cool. And he said to Monty, but take it easy on them because they've never played soccer before. So, you know, let them win.

Yeah. So Monty got the best players and the whole base, and they beat them 40. Fuck. So he was like, I'm not going to let those Germans win. So there you go. He was a very competitive guy. And I imagine that that's how he... What happened at the tennis party?

So he went to staff college, and then he was appointed Brigadier Major. God, that's a great... Brigadier is a fun word. Brigadie... Brigadie. Brigadie. Brigadier. Brigadier.

Brigadier. Brigadier. Brigadier. Brigadier. Brigadier. Brigadier. Brigadier. Bigger.

Major. Major. Major. Major. Brigid de. Brigadier. Jesus, good fun. Brigadier.

Brigadier. It's like one of our local electorates of Maribonong. Maribonong is fun to say. Brigadier. Maribonong. The Maribonong remix. 1927, Monty, now Brigadier. Brigadier.

Exactly. So, I've lost my train and thought, what was he? Brigadier. Major. In 1927, now a Brigadier Major. Sorry, I'm sorry. He met and made. married Elizabeth Carver, who was the widow of Oswald Carver, who had been an Olympic rowing medalist,

who sadly was killed in the First World War at Gallipoli. She could pick him, couldn't she? An Olympic gold medalist and now a brigadier. Major. They had a son called David. Major. No? Carver.

Brigadier Carver. So they used to name, like your surname was from your... Um, your occupation. I think, I think you're thinking medieval times. Medieval times, yeah. This is the 19th century. Olden days is old and days. No, right now.

19th century, not 9th century. So at this point, he would probably... It's confusing the system, isn't it? He'd probably just have his dad's surname. Let's just use numbers. It would be much easier. Yeah. Much easier.

So they had a son called David. David, are they married? But whilst on holiday in England, um, At the beach, she suffered an insect bite, which became infected, and she died. Oh, no. Much like, do you remember Lord Carnarvin from the Pharaoh's curse? Yeah. He had a Mozzie butt.

That's not shaving. That's right. Canarvin is another great name, too. Brigadier Cannavon. That can't exist because people can't take seriously. Get over here, Mr. Brigadier. Broden? The loss devastated Monty, but he insisted.

on throwing himself back into his work immediately after the funeral, which is pretty timely because only a couple of years later was World War II, and by this time he was a major general. Wow, not as fun. Major.

And throughout the war, he kept going, and in 1942 he was promoted to field marshal. God damn. Field Marshal feels like it's a boy doing that job. Yeah. Go fetch me something, Mr. Little Field Marshal. Yeah, that's what it feels like. But that field marshal...

Field Marshal, I don't know if you remember, that is top dog. Yeah. He is in charge, or one of the top dogs. He's in charge of the British ground forces. That's pretty impressive. So a lot of people are under him. But one thing I did find interesting was he became quite a character, and it was very well known.

He sort of created a character for himself. He started wearing a black beret. Sick. A black beret, which pissed off a lot of people in the army because it was not for someone of his rank or background to wear a beret. It was like you had to be either, like people who drove tanks got to wear this black beret. But he decided, he thought it looked badass. And he just put these two military badges on it, which you're not also supposed to put on your hat.

And but he just wore that everywhere. And then he was instantly recognized when he sort of became this celebrity, because he started winning a few battles and he was very outspoken. And he always, he had this image. That's so an army like. Yes. You got to wear what you've got to wear. I know.

So apparently a lot of the old senior people were tried to hint to him that he should not wear that. But he'd gone through a few different hats. Apparently for a while he tried an Australian slouch hat. Yes, cool. The Aussie slouch hat that Anzac's Australian soldiers are pretty famous for. I was only 19. Exactly. So he was now top dog, a story which was popular at the time, but probably made up.

apparently Monty remarked after he was appointed Top Dog so there's the middle of the World War II 1942, three years in, three years to go he apparently said After having an easy war Things have now got much more difficult

A colleague is supposed to have told him No Monty cheer up Cheer up mate Don't be so hard on yourself And he said apparently Monty said I'm not talking about me I'm talking about Rommel Who is his like the in charge of the Nazi army

So he's equivalent. So yeah. So it's bad for him. What an arrogant prick. He really was. He really was very, very arrogant. And he also rocked a... Hopefully you can imagine what this guy looks like.

He also rocked a really, really dirty mustache. Yes. So black beret, two badges that aren't supposed to be there. Dirty mustache. You know what would have been cooler if it was a different colored beret? Like just off the top of my head, maybe like a... Rosemary, pink. Or a red.

Yeah. Or a rasp berry. Rasp. What about a beige beret? beige bray. Or a beige beret. What about a bloob-Berry, Burey?

Blu-ray. Yep, still works. Blueb-hary. Can you find in a second hand stop? What would be the... That's a very musical episode, isn't it? Maybe too musical. Never.

Never. Please do go on. So now he's top dog. The Germans are watching him more closely. as they're all spying on each other. By 1944, the war had been going for a long, long time, obviously. Germany was fighting the Allies on the West and the Russians on the East,

and the Nazis occupied much of France. The Allies planned to invade Normandy in northern France in June in what was codenamed Operation Neptune, and since known to history as D-Day, or the D-Day landings, which was a great thing for the island. allies and help them win the war. But trying to keep the massive invasion a secret, the allies decided to come up with a number of decoys.

Decois. It's decoy time. You get a decoy. You get a decoy. Woo! Born in 1898, 11 years after Monty, Merrick, Edward Clifton Jones. Jesus.

Amazing name. Better known as M.E. Jones. Me Jones. Me Jonesy. Me Jonesy. So good. He was born in Perth, Western Australia. Perth, Wai, Wawa.

What was that actually? What's going on there? Way, we Wawa. I would just say. Oh, good dear. Just had a little blood rush. I thought I was Wawa. Do you want a Wawa?

Please cut that. Perth, Waiwa, Wawa. So me, Jonesy from, my. Perth, Western Australia Merrick Jones from Perth, Western Australia Here, a report for duty Some reason I got a weird English accent All right, here we go

Yeah, fuck I just, I'm good to go, give me a gun Let's kill some... Is he drunk? What? You're drunk. Brigadier? Check out of the brigadier Tell you what

He's obvious I'll tell you what Is bloody Blugadier of here Thinks he knows a thing or two He doesn't know me Doesn't know me Doesn't know where I'm from Perth and Wawa

Yeah About a little bit No I didn't think so P-O dickade Take off your shitty Baret Take it off Give me a gun

Let's kill some cunts Where are they Pull me in the direct Give me a gun Load up Just put me in the direct I'm gonna kill some cuns Here we go

Pime in Oh okay I'll I'll figure out myself. Here we go. Where'd everyone go? All right. New plan.

I'm having a little nap. I'll talk to later. Not all. Operation nap. Operation nap time. What just happened. What a character. So that's the character.

His father was English. He was a magistrate in W.A. That's where the accent came from. His father was the inaugural president of the Western Australian Cricket Association. Who I mainly mentioned because I love that his name was John. Charles Horsey James Horsey

Is his middle name Horse is his middle name Horsey Horsey Horsey Horsey Horsey Horsey

That's not a name Why are you pronoun Josee James John Josay James Josay

Who Horsey was educated at the rugby school The place where rugby was invented in 1845 Do you remember

who else went there? Yeah was that Tom Will's Damn it, give me a chance. Oh, sorry. Father of Australian rules football. And, Horsi was there just 10 years after it had been invented, so he played it.

You probably heard all about Tommy Wills. Yeah, he definitely would have. So, M.E., Clifton Jonesy, Jonesy, served in First World War. He served at the Battle of the Somme and lost a finger. Oh, and after the... Which one? You don't know. I'm actually not sure which finger he lost.

Which one would you want to lose? It's got to be the thing. You got to be the pinky. Yeah. Or for symmetry, maybe the middle. Nah, I'd go right pinky. Lose that bad boy. Right pinky.

Oh, because you're a left-hander. Exactly. I'd go left pinky. I'd take off all of them. It's all or nothing for me. All of nothing. Take them off. Wow.

That is so sexy. Yeah. Where would I like to be shot in all ten fingers? So after the war, Jonesy, nine fingers. He took up acting. Sure. You don't need your finger to act, do you? I don't know, it depends.

He reads the script. James enters the scene, waving his finger, pointing at everyone in the room. He's like, oh, I'm not going to get this. What if agent put me in for this? What if the character has to count to ten on his hands? James starts counting from one to ten. One. Like, in brackets, like everyone is able to.

Fuck you. Fuck you. You get casting pricks. Like everyone is everything. Look, I'm going to give you 10 reasons why I'm not taking this job. Number one. Oh, shit. All right.

Nine reasons, starting at two. What? But so he's taken up acting. Apparently you do need your finger to act because I've seen his acting described by the Australian newspaper as, quote, James was not a great actor. He could neither sing nor dance. Something about him was incomplete. He was not a good actor.

He could neither sing nor dance. He was not a good runner. He could neither sit nor stand. I mean, he ran really well. I mean, I've only ever seen him not sit and not stand. My example was not great. He's just lying, lying down. I feel like my joke was pretty good and you missed it, but that's all right.

You'll hear it when you listen back, yeah. It's a clocker. But one thing that Jonzi was known for was when the Second World War broke out, he volunteered to entertain the troops winding up in Leicester and the Army Corps Variety Troop. I'm imagining him in a can-can dress. Just by himself.

He's really good at can. He could neither sing nor dance chess. Oh yeah, you did say that. But one thing you could do, he had a thin face, a grey mustache, and it could do a remarkable impersonation of the top British soldier, Bernard Monti Montgomery. Oh, boy.

So about seven weeks before D-Day that I was talking about before, I was talking about D-Day, 1994. Decoy Day. Decoy Day. Dave Day. My favourite day. A Lieutenant Colonel noticed Jonesy's resemblance to Monty while he was reviewing photographs in a newspaper. Weird. So there'd been photos of the variety troupe and him doing his impression.

Sure. What had happened was, Jane... Maybe a little less perusing the newspaper, a little more winning the war. Dickhead. Did he say it? So he noticed his resemblance when he saw a photo of him impersonating him. Like, he hasn't done a lot of work there, is he? Well, so apparently the story goes that Clifton Jones had rescued a failed patriotic show

by appearing quite briefly as Monty doing an impromptu impression at the end. So the show was going badly. And they're like, whip out the big guns, whip out the big guns. Without the guy that kind of looks like that other guy. He's like, hi, I'm Monty. Yeah! The last three hours were suddenly awesome. So he'd seen photos. And as a result, he was approached by actor and army colonel David Niven. It was both. In May 1944, you ever heard of David Niven?

The name kind of wings a bell, actually. David Niven, after the war, would go on to win an Oscar for his role in the 1958 film Separate Tables. But he was already a famous actor. It's the worst of the film. Separate Tables. It's actually so bad. It's still Separate Tables. What's it about? What do you reckon separate tables is that?

Well, I reckon it was about where the kids ate at Christmas dinner. The kids' table. The kids' table. Yeah, nice. A followed out, trust the one. That's it. Or an unhappy relationship when they go to a restaurant. Separate tables.

The story of broken marriage. This is the... Led to separate beds. It's even worse. Separate graves. Because they killed each other somehow. Okay. This is the opening line of the plot of our...

Separate tables. Separate plots. Major David Angus Pollock, who's played by David Niven, fails to steal an article about himself in the West Hampshire Weekly News. What, that's the opening line. That's the plot.

His attempt to keep the articles from the eyes of other guests at the hotel only succeeds in heightening their awareness of it. Suddenly we're in a hotel. We're in a hotel now. Look, I want to watch this movie. Let's do it. Well, also in the film is Rita Hayward.

and Bert Lancaster. So there you go. But David Niven, he was voted as the second most popular British actor in 1945. He would star opposite Peter Sellers in the Pink Panther. Wow. He's the guy from the Pink Panther. What's this guy's name? And what's he got to do with anything again?

David Niven is called up Jonesy saying, Hey, I hear you look like Monty. And he's decided about David Niven. Oh, David Niven. I know that guy. The Malloy character in the Simpsons Springfield Cat Burglar episode Is based on him Yeah, cool

Hey Dave, sidebar Don't Where the fuck is this Simpsons episode? I knew you were going to do that Can you just let Dave be Dave? I just want to talk about the Second World War For a few more weeks How about you let it's Nazi Nazi Nazi with you

Just a little bit of Simpsons please Let him get through this topic first I'll just let him finish I mean that's what he says everywhere I'm having a good time Dave, please do go on. Anyway, so this nobody actor who can't see and can't dance, Nine Fingers, gets a call from David Niven,

who was working for the British Army's film unit. That's what that famous actor's doing in the Army. He was asked to come to London on the pretext of making a film. He's like, David Niven wants me in his movie? This is awesome. Looks like we made it. Look how far we've come, my baby. But it took the long way.

We knew we'd get there someday They said I'll be They'll never make it But just look at us going on Who sings that? Shaniotwine It sounded like Shaniotaine

featuring Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam With man doing backup over there I'll never make it There's spoken I'd sound more like Creed guy guy when you did it. Shania Twain, featuring Eddie Vetter,

featuring Creed Guy, featuring David Niven. With them, ladle, had a bit of that about it. But when Jonesy gets the call from David Niven,

he thinks he's being in the film, but then Niven explains that it's about something different. Apparently he's, Jonesy supposedly burst into tears because he thought he had been exposed as a bigamist

who was receiving a double marriage allowance. I don't know that's true. I read that on one website. That's so great. Oh, you got me. You got me. Allegedly. You got me. He's like, why is David Niven the one exposing me as a double? It's like the world's biggest prank.

You're going to be in a movie. You're going to be a movie. Yes, yes. It's about something different. I'm just going to assume it's about the bigger me. Oh, no. I'm busted David Niven. Oh, my God. David Niven was like, no, no, no. I just want you to dress up like Monty. You mean it? Mm-hmm.

You mean it? It's not about the big of me? Oh, thank God. You don't know about my wife? You're my hero, David. I just thought it would be so upsetting if you were the one who said, You can't marry two people. I just couldn't handle it.

I couldn't, I couldn't handle it. Come here, David. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Like, you mean it. But before we go on, you really can't marry two people. Yeah. By the way, I'm going to have to tell the boss.

Oh, no. David Niven. He knows my secret. Not the great actor He's going to be in pink panther In a couple of decades Oh, no The best bit of all of this is your facial expression

I'm so sad for our So sad for our friends And I've got real We've got real tears in my eyes I'm feeling for jerseys And he's apparent two wives Which may not have even happened I don't know you're such a leathery face

Leather rubber That's what I was going for Quite different Yeah One doesn't move very well It's a rubber face What's, I don't understand. A rubber face.

Elastic. Elastic face. I was going to say like a rubber face, wouldn't that be like a stone? You've got a face like an eraser, Dave. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, it definitely wasn't a compliment if that's what you're trying to figure out. No, yes, I am.

You a little teapot? I don't know if you guys have put two and two together here. No. But the idea. What's going on? The idea is for Jonesy to impersonate Monty. I did not see that coming Just want to make sure

But you saw that coming Because when he David Niven looked him up And the only thing he liked about him Was he looked like that guy That kind of put me off the scent You look like Monty I want you to play my wife

My two wives I want to marry you I want to marry you For a third time So anyway The idea is for Jonesy To impersonate Monty And be seen by spies

in Gibraltar and make the Germans think that the Allies were going to invade the south of France rather than the north or at least make them think they weren't going to invade it for a couple of days because the theory is the leaders here in Gibraltar they can't be about to invade France anyway, we've got at least a couple of days to prepare. And just so that made it look like it would be a few days

like they weren't in a hurry to do it. Jonesy was walking around in a Hawaiian shirt. On a banana lounge. I'm here. This is pleasure. This is not business. We are not talking about army stuff. Stretch out the banana and we're going to have a good time.

Yeah. They're like, Jonesy. Bring you two wives. They're like, Jonesy, your wife's here. Which one? Oh no. So Gibraltar was seen as the ideal spot to put the plan into action in part because it was the stumbling ground of a particularly unscrupulous Spanish spy

who was employed by the Germans a man called Ignatio. Van Bettis. Ignacio Molina Perez. Close. I was thinking of Puss and boots. I'm always thinking about Pussing, baby. Not me too. Oh, man, who isn't, though, in the end.

Bloody hell. It comes down to two things. That fabulous feline always top of mind. Puss and boots. What a combo. You got your puss. You got your boots. A little cat.

Fucking little cat there. Oh, all those boots. Getting those boots and you got your bloody sword out. I'll tell you what. You could cut right in my heart. Your little bloody, bloody little cat. Oh, geez, ways. I don't know what, oh, what are we going to do about this, you guys?

I don't think I'm going to be able to focus on the show. We're pushing boots and mad now. I'm not going to be able to shake it out. Can we reconvene tomorrow? If you guys could just duck out for a good... 24 hours. I'm just going to stay here with my thoughts. Oh, no.

You and your Puss and Boots thoughts. What, hang on. What are you reading into that? Perkins? Weirdo. Oh, we're weird. So, we've got Puss and Boots. Let's call it that for an hour, but Ignatio and Molina Petters.

He was... Is that racist? What? Calling him Puss and Boots. He's a Nazi spy. He gives a fuck. He gives a fuck. He was, so Pousin Buz is the head of information on the staff of a Spanish military governor

who is a liaising between the Spanish government and the British authorities in Gibraltar. Just some background on Gibraltar. Gibraltar is a British overseas territory attached to the bottom of the south of Spain. Do you guys know that? Yeah. And not surprisingly, it is claimed by Spain as it is attached to Spain. But I will say Gibraltar, during the war is a very strategic area to have control of. so the British were pretty keen to have it.

So in theory, Spanish officials were supposed to be in neutral. They're supposed to be talking between Spain and Britain in Gibraltar. So it's supposed to be, everyone's supposed to be friendly. He's not part of the war. But in reality, as declassified material reveals, the British new Molina or Puss in Boots, was a Nazi spy codenamed Cosmos. Or Puss in Boots.

Yeah, that's better. Puss in Boots. So Pousenbuss Pretended to be pro-British But was actually, they knew Quote Bad from head to foot I love the British

That's a French accent Spanish Spanish Ola Ola I love the Puss and Boos English Yeah, nope

Can't do accents I think I was so French again No here again I'll go again I'll go again I'll go again Third time luck Here we go

Alright Ola I love the English That's it it, got it. The first thing was you... Tacos. Damn it.

That's racist. That's racist. Yeah. Why is that? Oh, racism is so confusing. Summing it all up, the British knew that Pussin' Boots was a spy, but they had never caught him red hand as they had no proof.

No proof, right? But he was the ideal target for the hoax, because if he spotted Monty and Montgomery, he would radio secretly to the German soldiers and they'd be like, oh, cool, Monty's in Gibraltar. So they want this dude to see Monty. Because he's a gossip.

Because he's a real gossip, that's right. Cool, all right. Sounds like a bloody woman. No, Jess. That is where comedy has gone too far. Foreign comedy, we should be looking at the bigger picture. It's fine to laugh at the Spaniards.

It's fine to laugh at the Mexicanos. But once you laugh at the lady, you've drawn too long of a bow. Draw down on that bow, fair lady. And place it back in your petticoat straps. For, we are America. And God bless our queen. He's so badly they wanted to bail.

In summary, racism. Huh? Sexism. Oh. Now I understand. Now you get it. Now that you've simplified it to sounds. Now I get it.

Yeah. Huh? I reckon I'm about one in ten for those weird. Those rants? Rants? I reckon, I... Nah, mate, ten for ten. Dave, please do go on.

Jonesy wasn't the first man chosen for the job of impersonating Monty. The first actor, selected was Miles Jared Depper G. He was how do you say

busy? No, the first actor was Miles Mander who'd played Monty in a film called Five Graves to Cairo. What's the plot of

Five Graves to Cairo? Oh, that's where So basically they're just really big graves and they lay them head to toe and they just sort of walk through them

until they get to Cairo because they're only five graves away. It's really just on the other side of the border. Sort of like how you'd normally say, oh, I've just got to go two blocks towards that straight. Yeah. So a grave, I mean, a normal grave is probably about like a human length plus, you know, give or take. These ones, you're about 20% bigger.

So, I mean, you were still close. But the title was a little misleading because you were thinking, geez, we're bloody close to Carrot. But you actually, it was probably more like six graves. Yeah, sure. By the time you get that extra 20% on each of them. So you round that. down. You ran down, yeah.

Well. I mean, this is Hollywood as well. Because on the screen, a grave actually looks a little bit smaller than it actually is. So you've got to build the grave up. Yeah. But they actually, they didn't get the calculations exactly right. They went 20% bigger when probably only needed to be, you know, 16 to 17% to 70% bigger. I mean, long story short, yeah, it was a pretty short film.

You know, the walk took him about. 15 seconds. But it was a beautiful score by Gary Moore, and he, the old guy from Tin Lizzie, for some reason. And sure, it was like, it was successful box office wise, but critically, it was a bit of a meh. I was, I was hoping for a two-sentence answer to the question. Yeah, what was the question again?

What was five Graves to Caro about? It's actually directed by Hollywood legend Billy Wilder. Oh, Billy Wilder, yeah. The guy who played Willie Wonka. Yeah, he... Gene Wilder. Yeah. You're thinking of Gene Wilder.

Yeah, what did I say? Billy Wilder's different. Yeah, Willie Wonka. Anyway, I don't know what we were talking about. Oh, we were talking about the first guy that was supposed to play Monty, Miles Mander, was too tall for the role, so a substitute was found, who then fell victim to a road accident and broke. his leg. So number three is the man who can't act, dance or sing.

My kind of man. But I mean, does he need to? Playing an army guy? He just needs to look like him. Needs to look like him. But there's a problem. Jonesy was a heavy drinker and smoker and, of course, missing a finger. Monty didn't drink or smoke and had all ten fingers, which he boasted about on many occasions. So Jonesy had to temporarily give up drinking and smoking and a prosthetic finger was made and attached to his hand.

Wow. To the fake Monty trimmed his mustache, dyed his sideburns, and was issued with, this is my favorite bit, khaki handkerchiefs with a BLM monogram. So it's like the idea of the

Puss and Boots seeing this guy that looks and talks like Monty, thinking, oh, this could be him, and then seeing, he just puts a handkerchief on a table and goes, well, that's definitely him. That is, I'm calling Germany right now. You can't just get those made.

No, it must be him. Yeah. It must be. The British spread false information that Monty was coming to North Africa via Gibraltar to discuss plans for the invasion of southern France. Remember, they actually go into the north. They want everyone to think they're going to the south. Jones he flew to Gibraltar on Winston Churchill's private plane.

All right. Let him have to go. On board, he sneaked, sips from a hidden flask to soothe his nervousness. So remember, it's not supposed to drink at all. Apparently his handler spent the rest of the flight trying to sober him up because he got quite drunk on the plane. Oh, boy. On May 26th, the Bogus Monty landed with a governor in Gibraltar, Ralph Rusty Eastwood, Rusty's his nickname, was waiting. A classified report since release has described the scene. Quote, the governor himself was waiting for the visitor and played his difficult part with expert skill.

So it was difficult, apparently, Matt. and this is how difficult it is Hello Monty Glad to see you He said As the distinctive blackberry Emerge Hello Rusty

How are you Came the answer from Jonesy So he's responding to the name Monty Which is a good start Remember now Your name is Homer Thompson He's talking to you That's how I imagine

This whole scenario going But also wouldn't his voice sound different too Yes but I think So if you're talking to people Who already know you Yeah, but this spy has probably never met the real Monty before. And of course, it's not like these days... Has anybody met the real Monty, you know?

He let them in. Yeah. He doesn't let anyone in. Sounds a bit like a little friend of mine. Dave Warnocky. Doesn't let anybody in. Well, I am wearing a blackberry. Yeah, it looks great, though.

Thank you. Two badges. Just like my hero. A Schwatt sticker. Do you just call it a swatch sticker? Like, swatch the brand with it. Yeah, well, I mean, that's how you get away with it, I guess. But still, it's weird.

Swatch sticker. Puss in Boots had been invited to Government House for a meeting with the colonial secretary and was left in a room with a view where he could not fail to spot the Black Beret. Very good. And so he's like, oh, do you come and have a meeting with me? what's that out there? Look at that beautiful sunset. Keep trying to point out there.

You love people watching. I love people watching. Why do you have a look around? Who's that? Tell me who do you think that looks like? I mean, is. I like hats. Do you like, let's look at some hats that are happening there.

I reckon a beret would maybe like that one there. That would look good on you, wouldn't it? Is somebody maybe famous for wearing a similar kind of, or that exact barret? With the two badges. Maybe. And no one else wears that, so it's definitely him. Could it? I don't know, who is it?

Who is it? Can you know who is? Who is it? Who is it? Monty! Monty! Sorry, I just sometimes say that name. It's so weird.

It's just coming down. I think I have the sneeze coming on. Monty. Monty, it's definitely, Monty, south of France. Tell everyone. Call Germany, call Germany now. What? No, I cannot see anyone.

What accent is that? No. None committal. But imagine he came and he's like, I'm blind. Damn it! I'm very short-sighted. I'm so sorry. No, that's French.

You're going French. Don't see. Spanish is hard. Donat-C. Donat-Zi. Don-Nazi. Don't-Nazi. I am Donat-Ci.

I am Donat-Ci. I am Donat-Ci. Oh, what? But apparently, Pussin-Bootz, or Molina, was a better spy than he was an actor. Because, quote, his interest in what was how he was. happening on the scene was too great to hide. Oh. He had a bonus.

Boing! Let me sit down for a second. Nothing. Sometimes this happens. It's very natural. It's very natural. Wait, wait, this is the Spanish, so the Spanish Puss in Boots is a better, he's a better spy than actor. Yeah, because apparently he couldn't hide his excitement.

He became erect and then started quizzing the secretary. about who that was, and apparently the secretary with well-famed embarrassment, was forced to confess that the Monty was on his way to Algeria in Northern Africa, a long way away from Normandy and France. So he was like, oh, that's no one. That's no one. Meanwhile, the pussy boots is sitting underneath a desk. The table's rising up by half the foot.

Sometimes the table does that. It's one of those tables. Just give me five minutes alone. Oh, you don't. This table is. Sometimes it rises up a little bit. Very sorry about these. It's just one of those tables.

We have them in Gibraltar. Yeah. This is why we call my pants the rock of Gibraltar. My pants are rock out of Gibraltar. Something like that. I don't know. It's a local reference. I thought you would enjoy.

I'm sorry. This is one of the only things I know about. What is happening? And who is that in that beret? I must have him. I must. I must. This is very confusing.

What's happening? What has happened is Puss and Boots. Can't have his exam. He apparently jumps into his car and races away and apparently was observed making an urgent long-distance phone call. Very, very quickly. So he jumps onto a pay phone. A British intelligence report said that the information on the fake Monty reached Berlin in 20 minutes. Which for

1944 is an amazing feat. You've got amazing feet. Thank you. Give me five minutes alone. Leave your feet here. Molina, or Puss and Boots, embellished his own role, apparently telling one of his confidence,

a spy working for the British, that he had shaken hands with the British general. I met him, yes. I met him. I met him. We became a Virgo friends. We had a cognac. apparently he said Quote the governor introduced me to him

he seems Moe simpatico Very nice Moe simpatico Mois simpatico The double agent reported that Molina seemed to be very satisfied

with himself I bet he was But was hiding something in his pants That's not from the quote No I think it is So a wartime Decoding Centre Interrupted

or Interceptive the message and apparently said General Mont Governory arrived Gibraltar discussions held with Governor and French General. I need new pants. Send pants. Send pants. Send pants. Send pants.

Unrelated. Reinforce crutch. Pleats. Pleats. He's not manners. Reinforce crutch and plates. Jonesy then flew to Algiers. in Algeria, when over the next few days he made a round of public appearances

with the Allied commander in the Mediterranean. He was then secretly flown to Cairo where he stayed until the invasion in Normandy was well underway, the actual D-Day. He found the job rather stressful and was given a large supply of whiskey. He can't write. He then returned to his job after an absence of five weeks, but for the time he was playing the general, Jonesy received a full general's pay.

We got paid a lot more. Oh, hello. We've got paid the top... Gee, that's all right. That's cool. It's good deal. Just in case someone in accounts was checking up on him. He's getting paid like a general.

He must be a general. No. I mean, it's going out to a different name, but... It's very confusing. And two different wives, but no. Two different wives. No questions asked. It's World War II.

Malina... Pousin boots. His career as a Nazi spy came to an abrupt end. Armed with hard evidence, the British declared him, persona non grata. Pusana. And excluded him from Gibraltar, so he wasn't welcome in Gibraltar anymore. Jonesy wrote a book called I Was Monty's Double in the 1950s,

and then starred as himself in the film adaptation. Brilliant. Brilliant. But that is not the end of my report. Jonesy was not the only man to play Bernard Montgomery during the Second World War. That's right. There's a third Monty. Tress Monty. Huh? This one, our third Monty, before we wrap up, is Keith Deema, nicknamed Tex Banwell.

From here, unknown as Tex Banwell, because it's a wicked name. Is he from Texas? No, but we'll get to his nickname. He was born in England in 1917, making him 30 years younger than the real Monty. He too had spent time in Australia. Ah. From 1920 to 1936 as his father served in the Australian Imperial Force. So all three of these Monty's have spent a lot of time in our country.

Pretty cool. It's pretty cool. That's rad. He joined the army himself at age 19 and served in India, Palestine and then Egypt. Always outstandingly fit. Tex proved more than a match for them as their temporary physical training instructor. So we used to instruct all the other army people had to get fit. And apparently, he was much fitter than everyone else.

Well, Lardida. After the outbreak of war, he volunteered. for special service and joined the Middle East Commandos. He was captured in 1942 during a raid on to Brook, but he and a friend stole a German vehicle and escaped back to British Lions. That's pretty cool. He was then taken prisoner again. He was taken prisoner again near Heraclon during a raid on German-held Crete,

the Greek island, and he was personally guarded by Max Schmelling, the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion, who was serving in the general army. What? So they thought this Tex guy was such a risk because he's already escaped before. They was put under the supervision

of the World Heavyweight Boxing Champion. What? Even so, Tex managed to escape again with friends this time by boat. The craft ran out of fuel and drifted ashore to North Africa after nine days. Exposure and Sunstroke putting him in hospital for three months. It was at this point

that his likeness to Montgomery was noticed. and he was summoned to Cairo by the Army Intelligence. So that explains it. He's 30 years younger, but after nine days of starving and being sunburnt in the ocean, he looks like the generals. Kind of got a bit leathery. Yeah, they're like, you look like...

You've aged approximately 30 years. He met Monty and was given his clothing, including his signature beret. Tex was then sent on trips around the Middle East to confuse enemy spies. They'd be like, was he here and there? He wasn't allowed to leave the car, though,

because he was much taller than the real Monty. People would be like, why is this Monty suddenly giant? So he just waved at people from a car. Oh, Monty. Hello, me, Monty. But being a badass, he found this super boring and soon quit to get back in the army and joined the infantry. There he was introduced to parachuting and joined a parachute regiment. He soon joined the 10th Battalion of the Parachute Regiment,

and in September 944, towards the end of the war, took part in the debacle at Arnhem, which is a famous parachute fuck-up. Six of the 15 men in his team were killed by anti-aircraft fire before they could even jump out. So they're just being shot out while they're preparing to jump out at the plane. Once on the ground, Banwal used a hunting horn to summon his men. Fuck this guy's badass. He's cool. And at the end of the battle, he was wounded and captured a third time.

Number three. And on the way to a prison camp in Germany, he managed to leap off a child. train that he and two other guys escaped by removing a window and cutting through barbed wire with nothing more than a pair of nail clippers. How have they not made a movie about this guy? Or have they? They haven't. This guy is so fucking tough.

He's so cool. Then, he offered his services to the Dutch resistance as a weapons instructor under the code name, Tex. Which he likes so much that he wanted to be called that for the rest of his life. Fair enough. Because it's a fucking bad ass name. The story is He met up with the Dutch resistance

They saw this big British British guy And they handed him this big British machine gun And to the other two And they said We've found a bunch of these British guns But we don't know how to set him up And tech steps in and goes

I know what to do And within like one minute He's got like machine guns Set up all over the place Sure He's cool He's real cool He's so cool

I love him People call me text sometimes because of Tex Perkins. Ah, that's a good one. It's a good nickname. Tex is good. Yeah. His real name is Greg. Isn't it really? Is that Tex Perkins real? Greg Perkins.

Yeah, you would take a nickname there, wouldn't you? You would take a stage name. Greg Perkins. Yuck. But it, yeah. Yuckie. No, I'm into Greg. Greg is a super solid name. You're going to bring Greg back?

Yeah. I'm going to bring him back. He's gone. Matt, he's gone. Let him go. Greg and Gap. Harry, they're my two favourite. Go to your names. Good names. He had the opportunity to return to the Allies on several occasions,

but he decided to stay and aid the resistance. Captured yet again after a raid, Tex was held by the Germans and found to have breached Geneva Convention by joining the Resistance and not wearing a uniform. That's part of the Geneva Convention. If you're in an army, you're supposed to wear a uniform, so you know who's on whose team. He was court-martialed and sentenced to death.

Oh, no. that's not a very text way to go When he refused to portray his Dutch comrades to the Gestapo he was paraded in front of a firing squad They said Tell us, are we going to shoot you We're going to shoot you

And then it turned out they had blanks in their gun So they were bluffing The next day he was brought out again Only to be told All right, yesterday was a set up This is the real one You got to name those people We're going to shoot you

Blanks again Oh my God Preserving Boy who cried wolf over here. Preserving his silence, Tex was then sent to Auschwitz, the very famous concentration cam. Confined in a tiny cage,

there was only six foot by six foot, so barely big enough for a big man to lie down. He was starved to half his normal weight. Whoa. So like your weight? Yeah, but like a big guy, but weighing my weight. Oh, no.

He hung on, though, until the Red Army, the Russians liberated the camp, and then he insisted on, rejoining the 11th Battalion parachute regiment as soon as he was fit. And he went back. I love him. He was then seriously injured and knocked unconscious in a training jump. Oh.

Pronounced dead, he was sent to a mortuary where an attendant noticed a flickering eyelid and saved him by artificial respiration. Get the fuck out! This guy is so fucking cool! This guy is so cool! Can't kill him. I don't think you can be killed. Toward the end... He's still alive.

Towards the end of World War II, Mr. Banner. Manixt was asked to fill out an army questionnaire. One question asked how military training could be improved. Remember he's been involved in training a lot? He simply wrote... More near-death experiences. He wrote, more street and woodland fighting. Fuck, he's cool.

That's all he wrote. Then he got a paper cut on the foreman died. He is the coolest. Mr. Bannamol, Tex, whose highest rank was Sergeant, was awarded a British Empire Medal in 1969, for being a super badass. and in 1992 the Netherlands gave him a silver cross

for his service to the Dutch resistance After the war he worked for the British Postal Service Oh my God But he continued to tempt death in 1984 He made his 1,000th jump at Arnhem On the 40th anniversary of the parachute fuck-up I was talking about Wow

He went on to jump again age 77 At the 50th anniversary in 1994 He He loved how he wanted more fighting in the war No, it's crazy. But he retired to become a post office. A post office. A post office.

And he just died of natural causes in 1999. He is the coolest. Yeah, he's alive. He's a hundred people's alive. So he was the third Monty. Wow, what a character. I like him the most. Is he your favourite Monty?

Yeah, definitely. Rank the Monty's. The middle one was... The real one. The real one. The real one. And then nine finger. Nine-Finger. Nine-Jing.

There was something fun about him. Yeah, he was the worst one Worse of a good lot though Wow, that's awesome So that's the story of the three Monty's Dave That was A lovely story

Bloody fascinating Tell of the three Monty's Love it That was great I hope that Joe Boyd who suggested The World War II pranks And decoys

Specifically the ones that the British Pulled on the Nazis I hope she enjoyed a bit of that Yeah, thanks Joe Thank you so much for your suggestions there, Joe. We, man, the hat is exploding at the moment. It's brimming.

It is. Can I hardly keep it on the head. It is, ah, I think you're gonna have to, you'll have to get a Texas, textile hat. Yeah. Ten gallon hat. Ten gallon. Ten gallons. Is that even a thing?

Ten gallons of suggestions. Twenty talons. 20 talons. It's just a bird. 20 felons. Inside a hat. 20 Jimmy Fallons. 20 Jimmy Fallon.

Wow, that's a big hat. He's not, we're not saying you're a big guy, Jimmy. He's quite tall. He's quite tall. Is he? I think so. Oh my God. The hat's crazy.

But we do appreciate all your suggestions. They all do go in there. And the way you get those suggestions in there is emailing. Do go on pod at gmail.com. That's the email. Tweeting us at do go on pod. That's the Twitter. Facebooking at us?

That's the Facebook. That's the Facebook. It's Facebook whatever slash. Dogo on pod. Dogoon pod. Diggin' part. Dig and part. And we're sorry that this one was a little messy, but I had a great time.

I had a great time. I regret nothing. Yay! We're not sorry. No, we're not. Oh man, I just wish I was a bit more badass. Yeah. When I read about badass, but then also, I love my safe life.

I really do. Yeah, well, I mean, Tex lived till his 90s. Pretty great. What have you done? Nothing. You haven't lived to your 90s, Dave. Yeah, but text didn't have a podcast. So, you know, horses for courses.

When you put it like that? Anyway. Yeah, podcasting. Now you're living. But guys, thanks so much for listening and, yeah, getting contact. We always love to hear from you. And until next week, I will say goodbye. Bye.

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