Do Go On - 429 - The Lake George Monster

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

In the summer of 1904, the small town of Hague, New York was terrorised by a mysterious water creature known as the Lake George Monster, this is its story!This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 04:21 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodSupport the show on Apple podcasts and get bonus episodes in the app: http://apple.co/dogoon Live show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/ Submit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/  Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present.  REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:crimereads.com/the-business-of-blackmail-in-gilded-age-new-yorkencyclopedia.com/arts/educational-magazines/mann-william-dalton-1839-1920Lake Monster Mysteries: Investigating the World's Most Elusive CreaturesBy Joe Nickell and Benjamin Radfordpoststar.com/lifestyles/hometown/lake-george-monster-was-retaliationskepticalinquirer.org/newsletter/lake-george-monster-hoaxspellmangallery.com/artists/harry-watrousnytimes.com/1934/04/25/archives/sea-serpent-hoax-of-1904-is-bared-mechanical-monster-created-by-hw.html Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dev Warnocky, and as always, I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. Gaday, good day, how you going? Scooby-de-boop.

I don't know what are the other words. Me either. And how's your wife? Hi, Dave. How's your wife? Oh, actually good. Oh, great. Thanks for asking.

Actually good. She's normally a nightmare. Is that what he's saying? No, she's married to him. She's usually bloody miserable, man. She's great right now because you're at work. Yeah, you're bloody out of the house. She's having a great day, mate.

Don't you worry about that. Not stinking up the joint. It's so good to be here, Dave. Quick question for you too, and maybe your wife, if she's listening. How good is it to be alive? She doesn't listen. It's pretty good to be alive.

I personally wish I was never born. She'd probably answer quite good. Okay. She's actually text me now. Quite good. Dave, how would you describe this show? Explain it to me like I was a 14. What was this show called?

Explain it to me like I was a 14. 14 year old? No, fourth grader. Is that the name of the show? Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Are you smarter? Explain it to me. You've just proven? No. No, I'm, no, I'm, I'm thinking of the quote from Denzel Washington from a movie. Explain it to me. It doesn't matter. You just explain it to me. Okay. I'll explain it to you. This is for all ages. Hey, if you listen to this show, congratulations. Welcome. We're about to change your life. Yeah. What we do is we take it in terms to report on a topic often suggested to us by one of the listeners. We go away. We do a bit of research on that topic.

We bring it back in the form of a report while the other two people chime in with a couple of comments, bit of commentary, some riffs here and there. Polite compliments. Exactly, but never dog shit riffs. No. And that's Jess and I's role this week. It's the non-dog shit riffs. But the king of the dog shit riffs slash doing the report this week, Matt Stewart, you're going to tell us a tale about something often suggested to us by a listener. It was suggested by a listener.

was also voted on by the patrons and we always get on a topic with the question which I'll ask you in a second before just so people stop yelling at their iPods the Denzel Washington quote was from Philadelphia explain this to me

like I'm a six year old okay? Okay. So what I was saying was around the mark. It was close and it's on us that we didn't get it. Somehow I was confusing

the Roe of McMannis show with the Denzel Washington performance. Yeah. All right, this question has four parts. Please don't buzz in. until all four parts are complete and you have your full four-word answer. This guy starts hosting one game show podcast and now he's lost his mind. Yeah.

Okay, so you got to listen, no repeats. Oh, I'm just going to, I'm going to tune out. You're on your own, Dave. All right, here we go. Lock me in, four parts, here we go. Word one. What is the definite article? Two, what is the surname of the person who tops the list of Rickies on famous people.com?

Three, what is the third most common name of English monarchs since 1066? And four, by market share, what is the second most popular energy drink in America? No Googling, Dave. I'm not Googling, I'm writing down those clues. Yes? Martin? No. Dammit.

Javace. Lake? Yes. The lake? Third most popular monarch. John. Edward. No.

It's one of the classics, obviously. Charles. No. Henry? J. Also a beetle. George. Yes.

The Lake George, rock star. No. Lake George. Swooping in here. Second most popular after Red Bull. V. What else is that? What might a, the Lake George.

Monster. Yes. Did you say Monster? He said Rockster. Rockster. Monster. The Lake George Rockstar. Well, honestly, that's the report I want to hear.

I want to hear it on the Lake George V. So that's right. This week I'm talking about the Lake George Monster, which was suggested by Megan from Canberra in the Australian Capital Territory. Just from America, of course, she'd be Megan. That's right. It's different. It's different.

That's what I love. I love cultural differences. Oh, my God, yes. I love them. I love water. I love water. Yeah. And I love water.

Okay, so let me take you back to the... My favourite's water. Woa. Woa. There's just nothing in the middle. Yeah. Woa. It's incredible stuff.

Well, they came up with the language, right? So let me take you back to the summer of 1905. in the small town of Hague in New York when it was terrorized by a mysterious water creature known as the Lake George Monster. Oh my God. You've never heard of this? No, I never heard of it either.

I only suggested by the one person in the hat. Yeah, right. Which normally suggested slightly more obscure. And we weren't alive. Matt was, so he might remember it. But, you know, this is way before our time. I think I had my 300-year uni catch-up. Reunion?

Reunion. Thank you. So everyone you went to uni with also lives forever. No, no. I was the only one now. But it's good to celebrate the monster. I had it at a cemetery. Cheers to you.

So yeah, mysterious monster in this town of Hague. And town of Hague is named after the Hague in the Netherlands. And in the early 1900s, I only had a population of approximately 1,000 people. So it was a little summer vacation kind of town. Its population now is even less. Oh my God, the monster ate them all? The monster did ate quite a few and eat them too. It's in the beautifully named Warren County, which is a new favourite,

and located on Lake George, of course, and this is no coincidence because this is where the Lake George monster got its name. Holy shit. I mean, the ultimate nominative determinism for this semester. According to Joe Nickel, writing for skeptical briefs, volume 14.4, one of my favorites. Lake George is a placid 32-mile lake in West in New York's Adirondack region.

Adirondack. Adirondack. I'm sure that's definitely right. The first siding of the beast was when an American Civil War veteran named Colonel William Mann took his boat out onto the lake from the nearby island he lived on. It was a Saturday afternoon and man was out on the water entertaining guests. According to a local witness and friend of man, those others in the boat with the colonel. Was a monster a friend of man?

Or, foe. An angry. Angry monster. Foe of man. So yeah, according to the friend, the colonel was there with a Mr. Davies, a Mrs. Bates, and several other congenial spirits. This witness, an artist named Harry Watrous, I should have looked up how to pronounce the name, is quoted in the book, Lake Monster Mysteries, Investigating the World's Most Illusive Creatures by Joe Nickel and Benjamin Radford. A couple of big Lake Monster experts. I bought their book and it's got a lot of great tales in it. They're all lake-related monsters.

Wow. They're investigating. Wow. You know, like, Nessie is the most famous one, but it's in that genre. Right. And that's in a lock. This is pre-Nessie. This is pre-Nessie.

Pre-Nessie was in the 30s. Wow. We did a report on that once. That's right. Live. Yes, definitely remember. At the Imperial Hotel. With Nick Mason.

I wrote it in two hours because Jess was really ill. That's right. That's why I don't remember. it's super well. I had a migraine. Yeah, you were not too good that day. But why had I left it so late to write it? Maybe you had the report ready to go, but you said, look, I just said, I'll step in and I think that's right.

Read it out because, you know, it's one thing to be there and make a few jibes here, but if you had to read off the bright iPad, maybe it would have hurt your head. Not a good time. So, Watrous, however you say his name, was quite a successful artist. Just touched my hand. And according to the Spellman Gallery, he's a good. He is known for stylized figural works, academic portraits, and night scenes. He was born in San Francisco to wealthy parents who made their fortune in the California gold rush,

which was, you know, as you would know, around the year at 1949, which is why the San Francisco 49ers got their name. 1949 or 1849? 1849. I have the millennial bug where I just upgrade 18 and 19. Yeah. That's my millennial bug. I bump it up.

I want to bump it up. I give everything a plus one. So because of this wealth, he was able to travel to Paris and study at the Julian Academy and Bonnay's Atelier. Some great French pronunciation there, I'm sure. He was influenced by Jean-Liongiron and William Bezalue, and especially influenced by Jean-Louis-Méis-Eon-I. Well, I can see why this one won the vote. I love it when Matt speaks French.

You can see why it's the language of love. So beautiful, isn't it? It's so, dare I say, sexy. That's sexy. Yeah. That's sex on a stick. I'm not trying to make it that way, but that's the language. Yes, it's the language.

It's sensual, it's sexual. Yes. His academic genre painting was so popular that a Parisian art dealer marketed it successfully in London as did prestigious American collectors before he returned to his home country. Around 1905, his eyesight began failing and he became more. innovative specialising in highly seductive stylized female figure paintings. This is where the sex appeals coming from. Yeah.

I had a look at some good stuff there. But anyway, he started losing his eyesight a year after this story that I'm telling. So you can trust his eyewitness account. Okay, great, great. But later on in life... There was a Mr. Davies and a Mrs. Bates in the boat. And can we... Are we led to believe that he lost his eyesight, but he had, you know, was painting from memory.

There's beautiful women. Yeah. He'd seen so many in his life. From his travels. His eyesight got less good. I don't think he lost it entirely. Help me put the joke together here. Okay.

You know how people say that if you wank too much, you'll go blind. Mm-hmm. But he's painting like the really erotic, sexy stuff. Yep. And then he loses his own. I feel like I can't improve on that. I've never made anyone laugh like that. I failed it.

I think you know. My delivery was perfect. It was so good. And it was worth interrupting. How did she do it? Got away with words, Perkins. No Alan Key required. That one was, that arrived fully formed.

I just knew somebody else had thought of it and would message us and be like, I can't believe you missed it. You know, I had to get in there with that perfect time. You're so competitive. It's mine. It's mine. I called it first. Apparently, you also studied under.

Jules Joseph Lefevre. I don't know if you recognise that name. He's the French artist who painted Chloe, a painting we featured in our artefax series. Yes. Oh, I love it. Yeah, love Chloe. And like Lefevre, this guy also had paintings accepted at the prestigious paracallons. His were in 1884 and 85.

Anyway, get a little sidetrack there. So he's on the boat? No, he's the guy witnessing it. He's the friend of the people on the boat. Right. He's friends with this guy, Colonel Mann. The Colonel Mann and his friends are on the lake, having fun, when the mysterious and horrible creature appears. Its head breaks through the surface of the water, a mere 10 feet from the boat.

So they've seen it right up close. They get a real good look at it. And it freaked them out, I'll be honest with you. It was a strange looking thing, had big white teeth, a yellow and black, stripy head and blue ears. And yeah, they're panicking. According to the witness, Whattrouse, the artist, Mr Davies, who had a rather high-pitched voice, uttered a scream that must have been heard as far away as Burlington, Vermont, which is quite, that's a different state. Wow, home of the creamy. Yeah.

Honestly, if I'm with somebody, yeah, something scary is happening, right? And they're screaming that loud. Yes. I'm like, type the fuck down. Okay, you are overreacting to this life-threatening thing. Yeah. Is this helping? I'm so embarrassed.

right now. Yeah. Do we want to be rescued by the Burlington, Vermontians? I didn't think so. No. Shut up. Keep it in our freaking state at least. Oh, outside scream, please.

Help me think of the joke here. Okay. Someone's done a screamy. Yes. And in Vermont, they're eating a creamy. Yeah, yeah. Something like that. I don't think we can improve on that day.

Again, fully formed. Now I understand how you felt about my joke before because you're like, what are you talking about? I'm putting the LL&K back in my pocket. Sorry, we just got to trust. us house. You must. So Mr. Davies is squealing basically. And I love that. He already noted, and this guy's already got a high pitch for us. Yeah, yeah. He's taking it even higher. Mrs. Bates, who was also on the boat, stood on a seat and beat the water with her parasol.

So she was a woman of action. Wow. Unlike this guy just screaming his head off. Whereas... The screamer is the colonel? No, the screamer is Mr. Davies. Then we have Colonel Man who apparently just shouted, good God, what is it? And he repeated that over and over again. Good God, what is it? Good God, what is it? Until it went out of sight again and the boat was heading back to shore. But had she killed it with the parasol?

Yeah, I think it might have been. Be it up to death. Copter parasol to the face. How do you recover from that? You don't. It's embarrassing. I don't die of embarrassing. Totally.

Can't go back to your little lair and tell your friends. Yeah. Oh my God. I got defeated by a parasol. Look, I see that little umbrella type thing. Oh, my God. It's not embarrassing. It's quite a flimsy one too.

Yeah. Is that like a son of it. It's more like decorative than anything. It's basically disintegrated in the water, but I got freaked out. I started screaming the head in Vermont. Oh my God. I'll never show my face again. My creamies my pants.

Maybe it's that. Could someone, yeah, could someone put that joke together? You know, you haven't stopped text messages come in. You've encouraged them. People are going to put your joke back together for you. Okay, great. Let's just go on the record now and say, don't. Don't.

I want to say it. I don't. So put it somewhere on the Mac can see it. We understand that you... His ass! Whisper it on the wind. Whisper it on the wind. Matt'll hear it.

I don't want to hear it. You can't pause the podcast and brainstorm for three hours. You've got to go off the top of your dome. That's all we got. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. Yeah, we're humans. It's crazy I have to remind you of that.

Yeah, but we are humans. I'm so glad someone finally got to say it. So the witness Watrous was an interesting guy, the artist. But Colonel Mann himself was probably lived an even more fascinating life. He was born in Sandusky, Ohio, God's country itself. Sandusky. Sandusky. I like that.

In 1839, and he studied engineering while managing a rundown hotel he inherited before playing a prominent role in the Civil War. Wow. So this is all by sort of like early 20s, he's done all this. And in the war, yeah, played a pretty big role. According to encyclopedia.com, man as part of the Michigan Brigade under General George Armstrong Custer. You're familiar with General Custer? No, Custer's last stand.

That's all, he's got a mustache and he stood one last time. And then there was that TV show in the early 2000s called Custer's last stand-up about a young wannabe stand-up comedian. And I think his last name was Custer, and I'm pretty sure they came up with the name first and then worked all series back on. That's great. And as a kid, if I ever heard it, it was Custod. Of course.

I just always assumed Custard. Yep. He still, to this day, makes me hungry. For Custard? For Custard. Specifically for Custid. So, yeah, he's under... He's in the army under General Custer,

and was recognized for leading his regiment in the decisive battle on Rumel's farm during the Battle of Gettysburg, which was one of the big Civil War battles. His contributions to the army, with the knowledge he had gained studying engineering, extended to patenting several inventions that proved invaluable to the improvement of the troops accoutrements. Since the US Army adopted several of his patents, man had earned more than 50 grand. from his inventions when he retired in 1864 with the rank of Colonel. So he's making extra cash by, he's climbing his way up the army ladder in the union,

but also making inventions on the side and then getting cash back from them as well. And then on the side side running a rundown hotel. Yeah. What a guy? It's busy. After the war, he continued inventing, but also add a bit of corruption to the mix. Ah.

Back to Encyclopedia. Man invested money from his patents and his property in an oil development scheme. He then sold stock considered questionable to army acquaintances, and when he allegedly did not fulfill his promises, he was sued. When the first major oil swindle case was dismissed, though, man moved to Alabama and worked as the federal assessor of internal revenue. That feels like that's a right fit. He's fleeing some sort of fraud scheme.

Yeah. And he gets a gig as an assessor of internal revenue. That just makes sense to me. Yeah. Who's better at working it out than the guy that, he's an expert? It's like you hire the hackers. That's right. I was just thinking that.

The people that hack into your bank, you hire them. That's a new head of security. And now you give them access to everything. Job well done. Well, that gold's safe. I'm going on. Anyway, here's the keys. Lock up when you're done.

Mr. Mr. Mystery Black. No one by his username. That was my bad. That was my bad. My bad. My bad. Code name.

Mystery Black. Mr. Mystery Black was my father. Call me Mr. Mystery. Encyclopedia continues. Money acquired through the oil scheme. enabled man in 1868 to join with three newspaper editors and publish morning and evening editions of the mobile daily register. He's getting a dabbling in media. How can he change careers this many times? I don't understand. How? I think he might have been a millennial. Yeah.

God, they can't stick to anything. He's not done though. If they just bloody held off the avocado toast and they don't have multiple properties. How many avocado toast did I eat growing up? And how many properties have I got, about 10 properties and about three avocado toast. I didn't like it. I kept trying it. It wasn't very good. It wasn't for me. But you unsold them.

Yeah, that's right. At a profit. It's trickled down economics. What do you call it? What do they do with the houses? Flip it. You flipped them. Yeah.

Turn them upside down. Called them upside downies. Sold them for double the price. The difference is I put the avocado underneath and take a bite out of it. That became the trademark. spit that bite back out. Yeah. It's an accoutrement.

It's a garnish now. I still don't like it. So, yeah, he wasn't done. He also ran for Congress as a Democrat, winning a majority of the votes, but apparently was never able to take the position because the federal authorities denied him a certificate, which is a bit vague,

but maybe they knew he was real dodgy. They're like, that's a bad idea. We're going to veto that one. He became a full-time inventor after this. I was part-time before. I'm not a full-time inventor. All right. I'll just get full-time.

I'm going to, yeah, lean into it. If I don't want me in Capitol Hill, I'll just keep working with myself. And he received a patent for his invention of a boudoir car. It's like the race car bed? Well, it was a luxury train carriage, sort of. And he took the invention over to Europe, and he sold it. And according to an encyclopedia in 1873, the year the St. Kilda Football Club was founded. He founded the Man Railway Sleeping Carriage Company in a factory 200,

miles north of London and introduced his sleeper cars to Europe. He then returned to the United States in 1888 when he began losing money after a few successful years. Oh my God. How old is this guy? So, what is it, he was born in 39 and we're up to 88. So he's nearly 30 if my math is right there. No, he's nearly 50. I'm just going to say, hang on. It doesn't sound right. I'm going to argue my I don't want to... My maths was not right. But what you do is you see 50 and you take 20 off that. That's true.

You had 1 to 18 minus 20 and 50. It all adds out of the end. It all makes sense. Honestly, that has really changed the picture of it. I had of him in my mind now. But a 50 year old... Of course. This old guy who's had 18 careers.

Yeah, wow. That's unbelievable. So he's left the railway entrepreneur business. He's, you know, he's retired from being an army colonel, an inventor, hotelier. So what does he do next? He doubles down in the magazine business, of course. Huge.

In 1891, he took part ownership of a magazine called Town Topics, the Journal of Society. Wow. Geez, I'm buying that. Yeah. Side unseen. Yep. I want to know what. It's just that, that's a sexy topic.

Yeah, town topics. Yeah. If you put that in French, that's the only way you could sex that up any further. Yeah. Town Topics, the Journal of Society. That might be too sexy, actually. The publisher of the mag was his brother Eugene, who bought it six years earlier. And according to Alf Pras.

writing in the dictionary of literary biography, Eugene and William Mann developed the techniques that helped bring about a revolution in society journalism. As encyclopedia.com writes, when the magazine arrived in New York, readers enjoyed its glossy features, well-written fiction, book and music reviews, light verse, politics and somewhat racy features. William took over the entire publication after Eugene wrote about the prevalence of abortion and was convicted of sending obscene material through the post. What? He wrote an article that mentioned that abortion was becoming prevalent, and that got published.

So we got convicted of sending obscene material through the post. Okay, the system was. That's so why he just mentioned it. He got charged. You hear that sometimes? Sending it through the post. Yeah, that's like, that's one of the, it must just be a real old school crime, because I've heard that a few times, people getting done, like, bigger criminals getting done

for doing something through the post because that makes it a federal law or something like that. Right. But it's so funny. That's odd. Or not, maybe not that funny. It's pretty funny. So, yeah, that was pretty obscene,

mentioning abortion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's prevalence. Are we going to get charges on mails this podcast? Do not mail the podcast. Do not. That's on the record. Do not mail this podcast.

Yeah. Do not. Allegedly. So I think we're safe. I think if you say allegedly, then you're safe. Then you're fine. Yep.

If my journalism degree taught me anything, it's just chucking allegedly in there and you're fine. And did it take your opinion? Oh, yeah. In my opinion, sources say. Oh, man. And I will never name my source. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Well, you're... Chippola. You sound like you know. All that's good stuff. So, yeah, his brother gets done for, for, you know, obvious obscenities. But as it turns out, the real obscene stuff happened when the magazine. was under William's loan guidance, when the magazine publisher made a fortune

by extorting the cream of New York society. According to a guy, W.H. Flint, writing for crime reads, around this time, William Mann was known for his coloric temperament, long white beard, and flaming red bow tie. Just painting a picture of the man.

So he's getting older now, big white, bushy beard. And a red bow tie. Flaming red bow tie. Flaming red bow tie. Brote. I love when someone goes, this is my look. I'm going all in on this one.

This is me. I'm done. Yeah, does it just happen one morning? You look in the mirror, put it on and go, this is it forever. This works. I'm going to be this guy. I wonder if he inspired Pee Wee Herman. I think that's his look as well, isn't it?

Long white beard. If you had to have one outfit forever, you're a cartoon character and you're in the same outfit always. What is it? I've sometimes thought about like, yeah, it would make things easier in the morning, but the weather here in Melbourne, famously changes a lot. It's the only place I think that happens.

But what would I go for? I'll probably go boots, black jeans. Yep. A t-shirt. But I have to pick what colour, wouldn't I? Maybe a blue t-shirt, love my blues. Sure. And then maybe my red jacket over the top.

Can't take the jacket off ever. Okay. But would you rather never be able to put a jacket on or never be able to take it off? Yeah. That's a cruel question. Well, I mean, when do you see cartoon character? characters with accessories on, you know? It's rare.

Yeah. Donald Dax got his chop out all the time. Like Lisa Simpson will wear a raincoat or something where appropriate. Flashback to like 70s Homer. He's always wearing that green. Yeah. Okay, I'll allow the jacket. Jacket on them off.

Okay, that's me. How about you? I think I'm wearing overalls. Just. Fantastic. I don't know why. You can roll them down if you need to get the BAPs out. If it's getting a bit hot.

If I need to get the BAPs out because it's a bit hot, And obviously, fastest way to cool the woman down is exposed bats. Yeah, that was exactly my thinking too. Do you have the drop-down butt as well? Of course. Yeah, yeah, they're long john overall. And the zip off at the knee. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Perfect. It's the perfect outfit. And Matt, would you wear all? Oh, I'm thinking if I'd just go, uh, suit, tailored suit. Um, Armani. Yeah, yeah, yes. Chains. Yes.

You know, like crucifix. Uh-huh. Uh, button up shirt, probably buttoned about half a little. Way up, sunglasses hanging in the V there. I'm just describing Warren Ellis from the day. I think I'm just going to change mine to tuxedo because you never over too overdressed, but sometimes you can be underdressed with a tuxedo. I think a tuxedo is overdressed.

But I think it's funny. In what scenario? I'm sticking with overalls. If I wore a tuxedo to this podcast every week, it would be pretty good. It would be pretty good. And very quickly, we just become used to it. And it's just like, But where do you go from there?

If you want to put in an effort, then you're stuffed. Two tuxedos. Yeah. What are you waiting at your second wedding? Yeah. Wait, don't you love me more than your ex-wife? I'll stop planning. Well, back to Flint's writing about this guy, William Man, the Colonel.

Hang on. This is pre-Curnell Sanders, isn't it? Yeah, because he's chosen his outfit before the Colonel Sanders. That's right. Just want to give him proper credit. Yeah. The original Colonel. When people say the Colonel, they should talk about this guy.

Yeah. Now we'll say, sorry, who? Which one? Oh. So, yeah, he's got this magazine going, and Flint continues. While most of the magazine was devoted to short stories and light verse, reviews of recent plays and books, articles on art, music, sports, politics, the section to which subscribers turned first was called saunterings.

Okay. I'm flipping straight over to saunterings. This chronicled the activities. of high society. The short entries included notices of engagements and marriages, reports of tea parties, racing meats and debutante balls. But man who wrote most of the items himself, under the pen name the saunterer, would also aim ungracious barbs at the prominent. Love it. It's like Bridgeton. Yes, it is. Extrapolating a bit from Flint's examples, the barbs seem to almost exclusively be aimed

at women. Here's some examples. Seldom does a brunette make a pretty bride. And Miss Maria Arnott Haver was no exception. Oh, brutal. Or the erotic southern novelist, Amelie Reeves, has a kink in her hair that extends well into her brain. He did not. Miss Van Allen suffers from some kind of throat trouble. She cannot go for more than half an hour without a drink. What a bitch.

He's a bit. The saunter is a bitch. She's got claws. Absolute bitch. Excuse me. Brunettes don't make pretty bright. What a funny. That's a lot of people.

That's a lot of people. A lot of people. It's a very normal, very common hair colour. And yes, I'm a little defensive. I mean, normal's a bit hurtful to my people. That's why I changed it to common. Yeah. Are you saying I'm abnormal?

No, I'm saying you're a freak. But your hair is basically brown now. Yeah. It's been pretty sad. It's time gone on. It's dull. Staying your line. It's now I think it might be a mouse.

It's an or bough. A mousy. It will be brown, yeah. But it's brown. With the light flickering it, it could get, you get a little bit of red in there still. Do you think I should? Diet? Fuck yeah.

All right. Well, I know what I'm doing tonight. Flint continues, but even these zingers didn't fully account for the column's popularity. In saunterings, man would also lay bare the peccadillos and transgressions of New York's storied 400, including romantic affairs, the births of illegitimate children, and bouts of venereal disease. It is Bridgeton. Yeah. It's Lady Whistleton, absolutely.

Are you familiar with New York's 400? I didn't know. No. The 400 people that matter. Yes, that's right. Well, there's only 400 people that matter or something like that. Yeah, so. It's still a lot of people.

Yeah, great. I'll easily make that. Yeah. In New York, how big's New York? That can't be that many more is that. What is that? 500 people, 600? I didn't know about it.

So I looked it up and apparently a guy named Ward McAllister told the New York Tribune in 1888, quote, there are only about 400 people in fashionable New York society. If you go outside that number, he warned, you strike people who are either not at ease in a ballroom or else make other people not at ease. Oh, we've found a second bit. This is exactly where I don't want to be.

They sound like they suck. That's awful. They don't know what they're doing in a ballroom. Shut the fuck up. You don't know how to boil a kettle. Fuck you. But that's the funny thing is that, man is he's like going at them so but he's doing it in a way that you're like I don't like

anything involved in this um yeah so basically it's new york's high society the moves and shakers the snoo-est of the snooty and man and man and man was airing their dirty laundry yeah what a bitch back to flint although he never would identify these individuals by name which is so brutal because he did it to like the brunette bride and stuff he's happy to name them but the 400 he won't name their names too powerful worried about retribution but you can't but surely he's doing like little uh little clues and stuff so people can figure it out yeah that's exactly right he made broad hints that made them quite recognizable yeah and so he might include a victim's home address or occupation yeah that would probably he might use their first

and surname. Yeah. The home address is so funny. We've come across that a few times. Old New York articles from around this time where they do a story about someone and then say, who lives at and their full address. Miss Veronica Cumberlpot of 42 Cumblepot Lane. I think I nailed it both times.

Cumblepot. Cumblepot, yeah. Was that a coincidence that she lived there or is that her family street? Family street. I'd write something like, she's certainly no humble pot. Ooh, r-r-r-r-r-such a bitch. And then he'd say, one time, oh, this is how he gave someone away, he said, The young man's last name, incidentally, is the same as the title of the leader of the Church of Rome.

It's like, just say Pope, you know. You're saying using so many words to Adam with that. Oh, but I never said. I never said that. No. I never said, I don't know. Oh, if that's what you extrapolated. Oh.

Oh, I meant Johnny Rome, from Rome. That was what I was saying. If you think I meant Pope, that's up to you. That's up to you. That's up to, but I mean, I would look into what Pope's been up to. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. Back to Flint. Although no respectable person would admit to reading saunterings,

which I don't think you two gave enough to. Saunterings by the sauntering. The saunterer is so funny. So good. It's like going straight to the sealed section of Dolly or Cleo. Exo, exo saunterer. Yeah. The saunterer.

It's a real gossip girl stuff. I love it. So, yeah, probably no one. would admit to it, but the column was a major reason that town topic's circulation skyrocketed to 140,000 copies, I think from about 60,000. So it jumped up quite quickly. And people are like, I read it for the articles. Yeah. And not the saunterings. I didn't even know there was a section called saunterings. Oh, that's so strange. Yeah, that's weird. Somebody's like, I just buy it for the sexy pictures. Yeah, those page three girls,

fantastic. They're so beautiful. And crucial to that success was One essential fact. The gossip was invariably true. So all these things are act. So good sources. I mean, it's the best defence. Yes. He chose his sources carefully drawing on the one hand from well-informed but cash-starved servants.

And on the other hand, from society types looking to damage their rivals' reputations. Oh, someone who's ranked at 401. This is my way to break. I got to get in. Drop one out and bump up. And he'd also use people against each other, getting them to. to buy protection for themselves. And so if you pay, then I won't.

Oh, I would write anything about you. Oh, wow, that's amazing. And is he doing this sort of anonymously? Yeah. Like, people don't know it's him at this stage? That's right. Yeah. Because otherwise, you've just put a target on your back.

Yeah, that's right. And he always made sure he had at least a couple of sources confirming it. As lucrative, this is still Flint, as lucrative as town topics was, man managed to make even more money from the articles he didn't print. when he came across scurrilous stories about prominent figures, he would approach his intended mark close to press time and obligingly offer the opportunity to invest in stock in his company or purchase advertising in the magazine or even extend man alone.

I've got this story about you. This is you, isn't it? Yes, this is you. This is you? I wasn't, I mean, this is a separate thing, but I am looking for investors at the moment. Yeah. And it would be a conflict of interest to have an investor.

I couldn't probably write about you if you were. That's by the by. So, yeah, anyway, this story. People are like, man, you bastard. Man, you bastard. They're signing the check with gridded teeth. Yeah. Fuck.

You fish, you fuck. Take it. Take it and get out. If the victims complied, the articles were pulled, and the contributors' names were posted in a list of immunes hanging in the town topics office. Over the years, dozens of gilded age luminaries bought man's silence, although it's impossible to know exactly how much he earned from this extra editorial work. The total was in the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

And of course, back in the late 1800s, early 1900s, that's a lot of mullah. That's like billions. Yeah. It's so much. Yeah, I don't even know if they have a word for it yet for what it would be today. Cagillions? Oh, no, sorry. Could it be Cogillions?

It could be Cajillions. Could be double. Cajillions. Matt, you sound so fucking stupid right now. Double gajillions. Double gajillions. And that's the kind of money you'll see people at the cotillion ball, which is the thing I learned from the OC.

Anyway, so this is what man's been up to when he decided to take a relaxing boat ride with his friends on Lake George. Just taking a bit of break from all the blackmailing. Go to my summer home up in, in Haig. Is this still the colonel? This is the colonel. All of that was the colonel man. I can't believe that he did that much in his life and he's still got a boat ride.

A boat ride. A boat ride. A boat ride. It's like, and that's not his whole life. He's still continuing. Now here he is on a boat. Absolutely amazing. Yeah.

He's a freak. So after man's interaction with the beast, which was obviously led to shrieking, he was asking questions. What is it? What is it? What's going on? Good Lord, what is it? If I was working in his business, I'd be like, is this someone out to get me back or

something? Yeah, for sure. But after his siting, there were more and more sightings being reported along the shoreline, and soon the word spread. According to a New York Times article, within a few days, all of Lake George had heard about the sea monster and summer residents were leaving in droves. All the metropolitan newspapers carried long accounts with interviews from eyewitnesses of the sea monster. They called it Sea Monster twice, but it's a lake monster. It's different. It's like, this is an old article, but you know. They're different bodies of water. Has language changed that much in the last hundred years? In their defence, maybe they thought the monster had come from the sea, crawled over a bit of

land, jumped into the lake. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, New York Times. I can't believe. I don't know why I doubted you. I'm still angry. Okay, with good reason. Yeah.

According to Nickel, news of the incident spread across the state. One of the sites of a subsequent night, so a few nights later, it was seen one night near a local hotel called the Island Harbour House. According to a local tale, a young. couple honeymooning at the hotel had gone out for a moonlight canoe ride when the monster surfaced close to their canoe, causing it to capsize. The groom, unable to keep his wits about him, swam to shore, leaving his bride to fend for herself. Unable to keep the wits about him, aka shitting himself and swimming to the shore. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they put it kind of politely.

He was shitting himself. He was packing his dacks. I was absolutely fucking packing his dacks. She eventually made her way to shore, stormed into the hotel and packed her bags, announcing not only the end of the honeymoon, but also of their marriage. No. It is reported that she was actually grateful to the serpent for showing her that the true monster was their soon to be former husband. Wow. Cop that. That's when you find out who they really are. Exactly.

Put him into a bit of a crisis. So this monster is best known as the Lake George monster, but what do you think it's, um, it's preferred name is? It's a preferred name is. It's pretty clever. Like George. Yes.

It is George. Just George. Just George. Oh, it's George. Oh, that's, that's just, that's just, that's just, that's just George. Yeah, that's just George. He just breaks up newlyweds, shows them for who they really like.

But this, this was the last siding of him. That breaking up that wedding party. Yeah. Or that couple. That was the last he was saying. Josh said my work here is done. After the sightings, man went back to his dodgy extortionist ways. But it sounds like this time he found someone who wouldn't pay up.

That person, President Theodore Roosevelt. Okay. According to Flint, this is pretty, anyway. According to Flint, man's blackmailing was eventually exposed when he was brought to trial, not for liable, but for perjury. In 1904, so this is that same year as the monster was seen, while Roosevelt was in the White House, saunterings included a vicious account of the Newport debut of the president's notoriously independent daughter Alice. Though the 20-year-old was never mentioned by name, she was easily identified and accused of, quote, wearing costly lingerie, indulging in fancy dances for the edification of men, indulging freely in stimulants, flying all around Newport,

without a chaperone and engaging in certain doings that general people are not supposed to discuss. If the young woman knew some of the tales that were told at the clubs of Newport, man wrote, she would be more careful in the future. Oh. Is that a threat? Yeah, it's a bit strange. So she's a 20-year-old who's living like a 20-year-old. Living a life.

Yeah. I know it's a different time, but like when you hear that back, you're like, fuck, this is petty, isn't it? She's wearing lingerie. Okay. It's expensive. She's going on trips without a chaperone. She's dancing! For the edification of men.

Probably others as well. Probably. Maybe herself. Unbelievable. She's probably dancing like no men are watching. How dare she? Apparently a publisher of another magazine, Coelia. I think it was called The Collier or Collier.

The publisher was. Robert Collier, coincidental, I think. But Collier came to Roosevelt's defense, publishing articles ripping into Man's Town Topics, calling it, quote, the most degraded paper of any prominence in the United States. Savage.

This led to a public slanging match between the two mags, eventually ending with Collier having criminal libel charges laid against him. So I don't know. I think a man or the publishing company that man owned sued Collier, the competitor, who I think was a slightly less smarty magazine. But this backfired on man as he was accused of lying in his testimony during the libel case, and man was later charged with perjury. And though he was acquitted, the trial uncovered his dodgy way of doing business.

So, you know, in court he had to answer questions that you probably didn't want to answer, and all of a sudden all his, the blackmailing stuff came to light. So it really backfired if he was the one who started that case. So, man, do you blackmail people? Look over there. Yeah. Well, we've got evidence here of, you know, they probably would have to put, must have put things to him that he couldn't refute.

Yeah. Like, here's a check here, whatever, I don't know. But they get in for perjury, so he's lying about this. I think they caught him in a lie, yeah. Yeah. Back to Flint. According to court documents, he received at least 76 grand from renowned Wall Street operator James Arkeen,

25 grand from William K. Vanderbilt, the richest man in America. 10 grand from steel magnate Charles Schwab. 5.5 grand from financier Jay Gould, sons, George and Howard, and two and a half from J.P. Morgan, the nation's most prominent banker. And in the estimation of many, it's most powerful citizen. So I think all of this came out in the case. Even so, owing to incomplete evidence, he was never prosecuted for extortion. and Flynn asked, did he ever express remorse, though, for what he did?

And no, to the country, he later told a reporter from the New York Times, my ambition is to reform the 400 by making them so deeply disgusted with themselves to continue their silly, empty way of life. I'm really doing it for the sake of the country. I'm a hero. This isn't for profit. I'm not, I'm raking in this cash for you, America. Yeah.

This isn't for me. You're welcome. Wow. Brave. So there's a bit of a piece of work. Yeah. Also, there was one, on the encyclopedia article, it said, it made it seem like it's not clear, but it said some sources say he joined the Ku Klux Klan. Okay.

How many sources do you need to say that before you think, well, that's probably true, isn't it? It was just interesting. The Encyclopedia sort of stepped slightly back from it because they're obviously, But you can't liable a dead guy, can you? Spoiler, he was born in 1839. The fuck! Sorry. Yeah, that is interesting.

They're sort of like, well, we couldn't find the cloak in his stuff. So, hard to say. He had photos from meetings, but yeah. Yeah. But maybe someone gave him to him. Yeah, maybe. Maybe put him up on his dartboard because he hated them. The Ku Klux Klan.

Yeah. Yeah, so he was a real piece of work. But he, what a, it's just a wild laugh as well. Yeah. And I only stumbled upon him because he was the guy in the boat. Yeah, and you're like, oh, look into who these people are. Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

So, yeah, that was quite a sidetrack. So anyway, let's go back to the Lake George Monster. The years went by, and locals didn't see hide nor hair of the monster for 30 years. Oh, wow. Gosh, it holds his breath for a long time. Then, or it just got better at hiding. Yeah, I could keep popping up right next to boats. Yeah.

Oh, hello. Oh, shit. But then in 1934, any theories? Big fish. Okay, that's pretty good. Eels, series of eels. Like in a big jacket, pretending to be a bigger one. One big eel.

Yeah. One really big eel and several smaller eels, like helping out. Yeah. I think it's a dinosaur. Okay. Okay. These are all good guests. Moles.

All right, now you're talking. Yeah. Underwater moles. Underwater moles. These are all so good. Could it be some sort of underwater fissure? Like, it's just like, water's bubbling up. Volcano under the lake.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's lava come to life. Yes. Well, no. In 1934, it was finally revealed that the whole thing was a hoax. No, what?

Oh, no, I know. The guy that made up all those stories about rich people couldn't be trusted to talk about a giant monster? It wasn't his hoax. But let me tell you how it came about. The culprit I've already introduced you to, but it's not Colonel Man. He was a victim of it. The guy who was behind it was the artist and eyewitness Harry Wattrowse. The witness watch house.

Oh my gosh. The guy that later painted several nudes. Yeah. And it was... And was the subject of my perfect joke. Yeah. He was the eyewitness for a reason. You know, he was there watching it, watching the guy shriek.

Oh, last he was... Enjoying his handiwork. He's remote control monster or something. So he came clean finally 1930. 34. 30 years later. Yeah, because at the same time, the Loch Ness Monster was making worldwide news. I think it was first came to prominence in 33.

And then there was a big New York Times article from the 25th of April in 1934. And it talked about Watchers coming out and admitted to it all. And it says that a photograph in last Sunday's New York Times of the Loch Ness Monster so closely resembled Mr. Watress's creation that he decided to tell the world. In telling his story, he said that he believed the Scots were spoofing the world with Nessie, just as he'd spoofed locals 30 years prior. Oh, right. So he reckon they were ripping off his spoof.

Yeah. He's like... That's stolen his spoof. That was my spoof from 30 years back. Yeah. Don't, don't pre, you know, reheat my spoof. Yeah, don't try and spoof a spoof. Yeah, never spoof of spoof up.

Yeah, all right. I spoof 30 years ago, so you can spoof. Yeah, that's right. Okay, don't take the spoof. I was spoofing when you're in short pants, Nessie. So, So, Watress's Lake George Spoof story all began with a fish. Whatress and the...

Did I not say fish? I said big fish. You did say... Oh my God. The story starts with a big fish. Oh my gosh. I got it. I was just thinking about it also.

You just answered a different question, but you got... I remember how some people think the theory that the Lachness Monster is actually just, just an otter that people... That's... That was so much fun. I love that whole otter thing. An otter. Very funny. I love otters.

they're so cute. They're so cute. They hold hands. Oh, it's so cute. So, Watrous and the Colonel were friends and both keen fishermen. And it's believed Watrous caught the largest salmon trout at 24 pounds from the lake around the year 1900. The Colonel thought he could do better and bet Watrous that he could catch a bigger one.

According to Nadine Mayo Hill, who compiled an article about the incident for the Warren County Historical Society, one day when they were both out in their feet. fishing boats, the colonel made sure that Watrous saw him reel in what appeared to be a 30 to 40 pound trout. Cress fallen, Watrous conceded he wouldn't be able to find one bigger than that monster. He's like, all right, you win and he conceded defeat. But then when he later visited man's house, he found a huge wooden trout mounted on his living room wall. The exact same trout, he saw him catch in the lake. All right, so he mounted it quickly. And got it woodified. He petrified it somehow

It's a beautiful process Turning fish to wood You keep him forever that way Yeah They keep so much better It's the most humane way So he didn't notice at the time That he's reeling in a piece of wood

Yeah and really That's on you If you can't tell the difference Between a wooden fish And a real Still alive flapping around fish That's kind of on you And did you like try and gut the wood

We did say that his eyesore it started failing Around the stuff Ooh. Easier to trick him, which is mean. But as soon as he, but it's so funny as well to not hide the evidence. Yeah. Although I guess watcher's would have been like, where's the fish at some point? But it's funny to put it up on a mounted on the wall.

Yeah. So straight away, he realized he'd been fooled and he began to plot his revenge. Great. In 1934, when he outed himself as the prankster and like quite a respected artist. I think at this time he was head of some big art institution as well. So it's such a funny thing. Like 30 years back, I prank the boys. So this is what he said in 1934.

While the colonel was in New York attending to business, probably blackmailing and whatnot. Yeah, business. During the weekend in June 27, 1904, I got a cedar log and fashioned one end of it into my idea of a sea monster or hippogriff. I made a big mouth, a couple of ears, like the ears of an ass. four big teeth, two in the upper, two in the lower, jaw, and for eyes I inserted in the sockets of the monster, two telegraph pole insulators of green glass. I painted the head in yellow and black stripes, painted the inside of the mouth red, and the teeth white, painted two red places for nostrils, and painted the ears blue. As the New York Times article wrote in 1934, after the creation had

received a few coats of gaudy paint, Mr. Watrous was ready to spring his trap, and he admitted he was almost frightened himself when he first saw his mechanical serpent leap out of out of the waters of Lake George. What are he funny to be like going? I'm pulling here at gallons here. Oh, thank God. That's my fake serpent. Watchress continues. The log of which I fashioned the head was about 10 feet long. To the bottom of the log I attached a light rope which I put a pulley system through, which I attached to a stone which served as an anchor. The pulley line was about 100 feet long and was manipulated from the shore. So basically he rigged up this system. So there's a weight at the bottom of the lake, and his rope goes through it and up to the monster.

So he's able to pull it up and down. Yeah. And it'll make it move up and down. And apparently he was like, when it came out of the water, it looked like it was sort of, he's like it worked out so perfect. It was like it was shaking the water off itself. Back to watch us. So awesome.

Yeah. I went out and anchored the hippogriff close to the park. which Colonel Mann's boat would have to take from the landing to his island. I tested the monster several times, sunk it and waited for Colonel Man and his party to arrive on Saturday afternoon. Hidden behind a clump of bushes on shore, I watched as the launch approached, and just as it was about 10 feet away from my trap, I released the monster. And yeah, it came up nobly, he said.

It's a log. Have you ever seen a log come up nobly? Yes. Something you never forget. Yeah. And you haven't seen it? That's sad for you. And he said,

A noble log. And I will say that to several people in Colonel Man's boat, it was a very menacing spectacle. Then he talks, this is when he talks about Mr. Davies screeching and Mrs. Bates hitting the water with a parasol. And as soon as I gave the audience a good look at the hippogriff, I pulled it down to the bottom of the lake again.

When Colonel Man got home from his siding with the monster, he was soaking wet. And all the kerfuffle, he got really wet. But according to her 1916. article by Art Knight, who was the editor of the Lake George Mirror, there were conflicting accounts as to what happened between the siding and the colonel's dripping arrival at his cottage door. Mr. Watrous claimed the poor fellow screamed like a banshee, knelt to pray, flung himself overboard, and thrashed ashore.

The colonel, on the other hand, insisted he maintained his dignity, though momentarily startled and stumbled into the drink because he stepped on a shadow he mistook for the dock. Which is less embarrassing. Surely that's more embarrassing. You were spooked by a monster or you just stepped into water thinking it was land. It would be so funny to watch someone think they're stepping onto a pier and they just go... No, no, nothing embarrassing like being afraid of a monster. I just stepped into the water accidentally.

Fomp. Yeah, so funny. Back to watch us. Although Colonel Mann's home was on an island, the news of the sea surf. was all along the shore of the lake that night. Taking advantage of the darkness of night, I moved the monster from place to place along the lake shore, and everybody who saw my monster had a new story to tell

of its awe-inspiring appearance. Right, so there were actual sightings. I thought it might just be, if the first one's fake, people just start to think they see something. But he's actually moving in her around. Diabolical. Yes. He said, each day we provided new thrills for the populace.

And that is how the rumour started that there was an honest to goodness sea serpent living in Lake George. So apparently he was having a great time doing it. But he did decide to end the joke after spooking those newlyweds. And he felt bad about causing the fight. So that was what stopped it. He broke up a marriage. That's what he thinks. Yeah, that's how he tells it. With a log. But like, if that is all true, like the bride said, I'm glad you just showed me something that I was going to find out eventually, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I mean, if not on night one, then surely one time in their marriage, a monster would appear and she'd have to

protect herself. Yeah. So, better you find out on night one than on night, 1,000. That's right. Or 10,000. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I think he was... How many not, haven't... Don't worry about it. 10,000 just seems like a lot. That's a lot of nights. That's a lot of nights. I think, um, I just think the man, the husband was a feminist. And he said, you know, we're equal. Yeah. I'm going to thrash away equally and you can thrash yourself away. which is what she said to him later on in the honeymoon now almost made sense

do you want us to help you perfect that joke yeah can you help me perfect that joke Alan Keyes out let's do it nah just move on in 1934 man I was so complimentary of your two dog shit jokes in 1934 when watch that's your mistake sorry I only just got yours

wow that's good no need it's perfect that was such a perfect joke Like, like he's going to wank. Like he's going to wank. She's not going to wank him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not going to wank him.

I'm furious at you. You wank yourself tonight. You wank yourself. I'm not wanking you. Yeah. Yeah, I get it now. I didn't get it. Oh, if you didn't get it, I mean, that's fine.

Yeah. It was a pretty high brand joke. It's not on you. It's on us. Yeah. I'm not smart. No, I know. So, in 1934, when Wattress was publicly coming.

clean about the hoax. He was also convinced to bring George out of retirement. And he said it's still been in his shed the whole time, is what he told the papers. And he reenacted the hoax for an Independence Day carnival. According to Nicol, Watrous set up his contraption, and during one of the celebrations water events, spooked a boat full of onlookers, the incident was said to be, to have been the highlight of the whole carnival. Everyone loved it.

Doesn't that, isn't that a great ad for how fun this carnival? was that a boat being spooked by a log was the highlight. God, that was good. But I like this. Later that day, Hortress boasted, I spoofed the world once with this horrendous beast, and I spoofed it again this afternoon. What a great brag.

Yeah, spoof me once. So, I mean, we're pretty much wrapping up now, but... So I just got to ask, 30 years later, it was Colonel Man no longer alive, so he never knew that it was a spoof. As far as I know, they were friends and, you know, he was so loose with his own prank that he mounted the fake fish on the wall. Yeah. You wonder if, if Watrous must have at some point wanted to go.

That was me. You'd probably come out and say, look, man was going to write a salacious article about Watross, but he's like, I could pay you or I could just shut up forever about the fact that I spoofed you and made you think that's seen ones. That's right. Never smoofer, spoofer. Never blackmail or blackmail. So yeah, I'll run you through what happened to the three main characters after the event, Harry, Colonel, and George. So Harry Watrous, prior to this, I think he'd married another artist named Elizabeth Nichols.

And I read somewhere, someone thought that she was a superior artist. She was also a novelist as well. And in 1914, the National Academy of Design established an award for sculpture named in her honor, which maybe is still going, or at least. least was it to the point of the article I read. She sounds like an overachiever. Yeah, she was also born very wealthy, which I think is how it seems like that was a pretty big advantage back then.

Not like it is now. No, everyone's equal now. Everyone's born equal. It doesn't really matter what sort of. Even playing field. Yeah, yeah. But back then I can understand that would be, you know, a real, like a privilege, I guess you'd say. Yeah, somewhat of a privilege.

Never even heard that word. He, this is just briefly, he killed a man. Okay. Okay. Yep. Oh, but don't worry, he's a prankster. He killed a prankster. In 1913, watcherous was awoken by a noise at 2 a.m.

In his Lake George house, he went into the dining room with a flashlight and a gun where he encountered two burglars, these brothers, and he shot and killed one of them, which was said in self-defense. So he wasn't in trouble for it, but he shot him dead. and yeah the brother got away ended up getting caught and taken to jail. Shit. That's pretty grim.

Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those two. You're like, oh man, you've broken into his house, you robbed him, but killing is a, that's a, if you don't know, it's in the dark, I don't know if they had guns or whatever. I guess if it's self-defense, they must have had weapons as well. But it's different rules over there.

I think once they've broken in your house in America, you can shoot them. You can do whatever you love to them. In 1921, his wife Elizabeth passed away age 63, but he lived on until 1940 at the age of 82. So he had a long innings there. Wow. His obituary in the New York Herald Tribune was very friendly, which I guess the bitries normally are. It wrote, a good painter, which is faint praise for sure.

A good painter with a lovable personality has been lost in Harry Watress. He was universally likable. He had a bubbling sense of humour besides. kindness and never failing goodwill. Harry Watrous had charm and it was the more potent because he gave no thought to its cultivation but was simply and spontaneously his engaging self. Oh, that's nice. His long career has left its mark, the mark of a devoted artist and a high-minded gentleman.

Yeah, pretty big rap for him. I did read, he was sort of like in his sort of elder role as in the art world, he didn't like I think it was modernist whatever a new fashionable style was he's like it's a fad where he didn't like it at all which just made it so funny

when people in art you come up I think it's in every generation when the generation you're the young ones at the start we're changing everyone you get old hey why aren't we doing it the way

we want to do forgetting that it's funny how that repeats itself over and over every generation and I probably repeat that thing every episode or two. Every fucking day. Every morning.

Every fucking day. I've got this really original thought about generations. You text it to me every morning. I'm like, please leave me alone. It's Christmas day. It looks like his paintings are still floating around. And a bunch of them have been sold at auction over the last few decades, selling from around between 10 grand and 70 grand.

So they're like, people want them, but they're not like priceless art. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was him. Then we had Colonel William Mann. His magazine survived the Roosevelt scandal, but according to Flint, society started moving on from his brand of gossip writing. As the New Century dawned and New York Society became less obsessed with Victorian standards of behaviour, subscriptions and advertising revenues waned, not to mention opportunities for blackmail. Because it was like, we don't care if people are having fun in their private lives.

Yeah, you don't care what underwear people are wearing. Yeah, it really doesn't matter. He died of pneumonia on May the 17th, 1920. at the age of 81. So this is 14 years before the hoax went public. And when he died, he was insolvent. The magazine itself survived a little longer than him ceasing publication in 1932 when the then owner was getting in trouble for their dodgy ways.

All right. But he obviously made and lost a whole fortune. It sounds like multiple times. Yes, yeah. Really crazy life. It was just so funny to stumble upon him, the man in the boat. Yeah. As for the monster, because to be honest, there's not that much on this story,

so I was pretty stoked to find this guy. Yeah. As for the monster, the hand-carved George, according to Mayo Hill, was eventually purchased and shipped to the Caribbean home of its new owner, Kay Bailey, who vacationed at Lake George and lived on St. Thomas in the Virgin Islands. In 1966, same year the Sancto Football Club, won there. one on the AFL VFL, VFL, Premiership, Walter Grishcott and his wife, Joan, went on a caribane cruise and brought the monster back through customs. According to Grishcott, there was some confusion about

how to estimate the amount of duty on a monster. Interestingly, though, George still bears the duty stamp he received upon entering the US on his return trip to the Lake George. So you can see photos of it now, and it's still got that stamp on him. George was put on display at the Lake George Historical Association Museum until the 7th of July 2001 when a mock trial was held to determine the custody of George, which just shows how much fun this historical society is willing to have. They'll do a mock trial for fun. Good on them. They'll do that just for fun, just for your entertainment. Just for shits and gigs. Yeah. A court order resulted in shared custody. So a replica of George was made for the Lake George Historical Association Museum and with great ceremony, the original

George traveled back to his home in Hague, where he is on display at the Hague Historical Museum. We got to put that on the itinerary. Yes, that's awesome. We've got to go visit George. So that's the story of the Lake George Monster. That is such a fun tale. And like, totally harmless, it feels. Yeah.

The best possible outcome. Yeah. It was a fun hoax. Yes. Fun hoax. Nobody got hurt. A couple who probably shouldn't have been married, broke out. Yeah.

And also we just, it's, we've got an answer. Nearly all those monster ones are like, some people think it's real, some people don't. It's like, it's not real and we know why. It is very nice, that's fun. The full story. Yeah. And yeah, I think you could make the same, like the wife saying,

I'm glad I dodged a bullet here. I imagine he could probably make the same argument. Look, I had a bad moment. And you're going to call up our whole relationship? Yes. Well, I don't feel like you're going to stick with me through tough times either then. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Give me a break. Come on, I'm sorry. I shat myself. Did you want me to be near you at that time? I was worried that he might be attracted to the shit. We don't know about George and what his proclivities are. I was trying to lead him back to shore with my shit.

Here, Georgie. Plenty more where that came from. Just give me six to eight hours. All right. So I think that brings us to everyone's favorite section of show where we thank some of our great patron supporters. That's right. It is a good point, Dave.

The way that it all, there's a conclusion. And I mean, if you read about it, it's normally talked about as a great hoax. But I thought it's more fun to reveal the hoax later or whatever. Absolutely. And I, that never crossed my mind. I honestly thought, big eel. With little eel helpers. With little minions.

So at this part of the show, we like to thank a bunch of our supporters who have signed up on Patreon. dot com slash do go on pod and uh if you want to get involved just go to that website i just said that's probably pretty straightforward maybe any further explanation i can say it again if you like patreon dot com slash do go on pod and just what are some things we can get involved with if they go on there people can uh enjoy three bonus episodes a month they get to vote on topics two out of three um you get to vote on which is very fun so people voted for this topic they wanted it yeah they won it it yeah so there were three topics up for grabs one of the other one was a big historical topic.

And yeah, this one with 40% of the vote in a three horse race. That's a big win. It's a big win. You can also join our Facebook group, which is the friendliest corner of the internet, and get early access to tickets to live shows and live streams and all sorts of fun stuff that we do. Exactly right. But the first thing we do is a little section called the fact quote or question section,

which I think has a little jingle. Probably goes something like this. Fact quote or question D. Hmm. He always remembers the dingh. She always remembers the single. And the jingle. The single?

No. Anyway, what people do here is they give us a fact, quote, a question, or a brag or suggestion, or really whatever they like. They also get to give themselves a title. I read them out for the first time on the show. That is just me telling you that in case they say something dodgy or I muck it up. It's not my fault. I'm very defensive. Anyway, the first one comes from Lauren Joyner, aka,

Jurassic Park historian. Ooh. That's beautiful boys. Have we ever done an episode on Jurassic Park? Not yet. It's not real, Matt. The fuck do you mean? Wait, that was a hoax?

Have we done an episode on Jurassic Park? It's not real. And Jess is kind of being there in Hawaii. I have! Cooloa Ranch. Jess, we did an episode on Dolly Parton. I think we can do episodes about things that aren't real.

Oh, Matt, Matt, Matt. She's real. I know it's impossible to believe because she's so magical, but she is in fact real, but Jurassic Park is not. Sorry, is heaven missing an angel? Say that to a 77-year-old woman. Oh, my goodness. She performed at a half-time or maybe a Thanksgiving day match or something in the NFL.

Yeah. And it was a Dallas Cowboys game, and it was their home game or whatever and some wags online said I thought for a second they would bring out cheerleaders from their last Super Bowl win because I haven't won it in a while

and she's older. So they're calling her old? What the fuck? I get it now. What the actual fuck? I thought you just said she was 7010. 70. Is that right?

She's 77. 77. But you're right. Yes, she are. I ran seven up. I learned all my numbers from soft drink. So anyway, my God, my God, Lauren Joyner, the Jurassic Park historian, has a brag writing.

Every year I set a reading goal and it's usually 52 books. And this was written, obviously, in the year 2023. I should hit it this year, but maybe not due to too many podcasts listens to. It's written right. I'm saying it wrong. Too many podcasts listen to. Yes, I will blame. all of you if I don't hit my goal.

Sorry. Sorry. But even if I don't hit the goal, I'm still happy to brag that I read a bunch of books in 23 and learned a whole lot partially through podcasts, so rescind the blame. Thank you so much. That's a wait off, actually. Some of my favorite books of 2023, include comedy, comedy, comedy, drama. Ooh, I listen to that slash read it with my ears.

The 90s and a heart that works. Those are my non-fiction picks, still working out my favorite fiction. And since I mentioned podcasts, some of my favourites that I started this year, if books could kill and five to four. Working five to four. Really great if you want to get into US Supreme Court cases while also hearing a lot of snark and swearing. And I do.

What are some of your favorites from the year, books, podcasts or other? Thank you for another year of delightful fact-based comedy content. Nicholas Cage was a highlight for me. Cheers. Ooh, I wonder if, uh, That means they'll get the, Nicholas Cage will get the vote in the Golden Shiny Garys. Oh. Which probably the voting is open as we release this episode.

Hopefully. Uh, maybe. Yeah, who knows? Um, so the question is, favorite book? A book or podcast or whatever. I've been loving Big Beacon by Alan Partridge. Oh, that'd be good. It's like a, it's a story told, it's a unique, he talks about it's a really unique

literary device he used where he tells two stories. interspersed each chapter, him both getting back into TV and the other chapter, him working on at restoring a lighthouse. Wow. Okay. Is this a new one? Yeah, yeah, it just came out late last year. Oh, I don't know that.

I love it. That's good. It can be a podcast? Yeah, she mentioned podcasts and books. Well, I haven't read as much as I wanted to. but I did get into like Emily Henry wrote like book lovers and a couple of others they're sort of like a really easy kind of like they're rom-coms in books you know they follow that same sort of formula so it feels very comforting because you know what's going to happen

and that is nice on my little gentle brain and they're good for like holiday reads you know smashed out a few of those yeah Dave you've read you've read a lot. I was looking at the bookcheat books I've covered this year. One that really surprised me. I loved the structure of how the story was told was the prime of Miss Jean Brody by Muriel Spark. Love that one. I never heard of it. Yeah, it was really, really good. Big fan. And if you want, I don't know if you can't be well, actually reading it, I did it with Michelle Brazier and Sam Peterson on the bookcheat podcast. That's episode 84. But apart from, and what about for podcasts this year, They've relaunched as special features, Cam and Alexi's podcast.

Yeah. It's very, very good. I've listened to that every week. I've been listening to, I've gotten very into We're Here to Help, which is hosted by Jake Johnson, who played Nick on New Girl and Garith Reynolds, and they give advice. And it's very funny. I've, I don't listen to a lot of podcasts despite podcasting for a living, but I love that podcast very much. It's very funny. Very good.

And Matthew, I... Oh, you already gave a book a shout-out, of course. And I'm going to put that on my list because I love... So funny. I mean, yeah, I love all his books are so great and his podcasts. He talks about the Alst House a bit. Oh, actually, I won't spoil it, but it starts with a sad. Anyway, I won't.

Oh, my God. Starts with Sad. Wow. I've also been really enjoying, you spring in Springsteen on My Bean, which is like a new, or the latest from the You Talk a New Two to Me series, where they, Adam, Scott Ockerman goes through, that's Adam Scott and Scott Ockman, they go through a discography of an artist,

and they talk for the first hour or so nonsense, and then eventually get around to talking about the album. So funny. But it's so funny. I would also recommend Invisible York, the latest novel, by a local independent author, very mysterious, nobody knows much about him. Apart from his name, Aidan Simpson.

Yeah, that's right. I've been reading and enjoying that one too. Yeah, a great. A great novel. Great novel. And a great Christmas present. If there's somebody you've forgot to buy Christmas for it, you're seeing them soon.

There's plenty of the people you don't see in January. You don't get around us into February. You say, hey, I bought this in November. Yes, exactly. And then it says, but it says you released December and you go, shut up. Shut up. Shut up the fuck up. I just looked up big beacon, Matt, and I've got to say,

I'm laughing at the cover. The tagline is, a lighthouse rebuilt, a broadcaster, reborn. That is so. funny. Very good. There's the two, two stories. Wow.

In a nutshell. What an interesting way to go about it. It really, it changes things up a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't spoon feed it too much, but yeah, there's a bit of a metaphor going on there with the lighthouse.

Oh, okay. Thank you so much, Lauren. Great tips. Great message. Next one comes from Broderick Henry. The left door to the Triptitch Club is the title. And the question reads. thusly.

Hello, hello, hello, hi, hi, it's me. I'm back this time with a question. What's an irrational and irrational fear you had growing up? Something that was told to you or you just came up with it by herself that scared you for no good reason. Oh, that's tough. Maybe I'll go, oh, you got one? I was just thinking in primary school on the walk home, you were under no circumstance to step

on any of the cracks in the pavement. Of course, yes. Otherwise you'd break your mother's back. I thought, we thought we were going to, we would explode. Yeah. Oh. Because you were on your mother's back at the time. Yeah.

Yeah. And explosive back. So that's the first one that comes to mind. I was just thinking about just walking home, which, you know, do every day. And you're like, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no. I was told, okay, I have one that I realized as an adult that I'd been tricked. And so I confronted my parents that I was told I wasn't allowed to, like, put my clothes on the floor. because spiders would get into them.

Oh my God. Right? And so I'd be like, oh God, I'm not doing that. I know. And so then as an adult, I went, you tricky bastards. You told me if I put my clothes on the floor, spiders would get in them.

And my mom was like, no, we had a lot of spiders at that house. That one was real. She was like, there was a few times we picked up our clothes and there was like a white tail or something in there or a red back. And they can't climb.

That's something you know about spiders. They can't climb into drawers or wardrobe. You know, even just shake your clothes before you put them on or something. I was like, oh shit. I thought I'd caught her and I hadn't. She was actually trying to protect me. So, Broderick answers his own question, which we always encourage the fact quote or question is to do.

Love it. Writing, I have two, both sleep related. For the longest time, I thought if I would have sleep on my back in the morning when my mom would come to wake me, she would think I was dead since the times I've seen people sleeping on their back, they were in coffins, and that I would get buried alive. Oh, wow. I also thought if you slept with an arm or leg hanging over the side of the bed, that it would stretch abnormally long to reach the floor in the middle of the night

and would never stretch back to normal. Oh, wow. So it wasn't that like something under the bed would get you, which I was going to be like, yep, definitely feel that one. It's that your leg would stretch out really long. And also they slept on the top bunk, so for them would have been crazy long. That's really long. Wow.

That's an interesting one. Anyway, keep up with good work. Don't forget to wash behind your ears. Bye. Don't tell me where to wash. That's rude to tell people where to wash. Don't you dare tell me where to wash. I'll wash where I want to wash and I won't wash where I don't want to wash.

I just happen to want to wash behind my ears anyway. Okay. Okay? I'm not doing this for you. No. I'm doing it now. It's coincidence. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Thank you, Broderick. I can't think of any. You can't think it. What about one? I've got one as an adult. There's not, it's an irrational fear of, you know, there's little static shocks you sometimes

sometimes get to be touched someone or you touch something. Often not. them if you're pushing a trolley I've found. Okay. And if I get one, I get nervous to ever touch the trolley again for the rest of the trip. Even though it's like the smallest little shock. Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't hurt at all. But it is like a ho! It's a little shock. So I just keep slapping the trolley going, huh, you know you can get groceries delivered. Yeah, no, I like being in the shop. I like choosing my own stuff.

I don't like some person choosing my plums. Yeah. Oh, me plums. Jess likes to cut in the middle man. Yeah. When was the last time you went to the supermarket? Oh, I go, but I'll go for like... How much is a loaf of bread?

Yeah, that's right. You're out of touch. I am out of touch. You triple J presenters. Yeah. Still currently. Do you even know how to use a checkout? I do.

Oh, okay. No, I just live up two flights of stairs. I live on the third floor and I can't be able to bring a week's worth of groceries up. So some other pleb will have to do it for you. Yeah. Who gets paid to do it. Oh, okay. So keeping somebody employed.

You are a good person. You guys want me to. I didn't realize how good of a person you were. Thank you. Thank you. In the gig economy. Yeah. A very...

Giving people gigs. Good exposure. Yeah. There's not a roof that goes the whole way around. A bit of fun there. Sun exposure, a joke. So, thank you so much, Broderick. Next one comes from...

Oh, this is so good. CJ Tour. Last time I read out one from CJ. I said, Chicago, and I don't know how to pronounce your name, but it's, even though it's spelled T-U-O-R, it's pronounced T-O-U-R, T-O-R. T-O-R. Thank you so much, C-J, for looking after me there.

I look forward to mucking that up next time. Turr. Oh, maybe, yeah. T-R. He's Californian originally now in Chicago. That's, that is Californian, isn't that? Tour. I'm going on tour.

I've heard New South Welshmen say tour. Tor. Oh, they do say that. English people say, I'm just about to announce my new tour. Yeah, new tour dates on my website. And we say tour. Tour, yeah. Does anyone say it right?

No. Tour. There's no right and wrong. It's just different. That's a weird one. I think it's all fun. Tor. I love it.

And that's a new tour. Tour. Tour dates. Tour. Tour. Tour. Tour. Yeah, tour.

Yeah, tour. I'm going on a tour. Tua. Yeah, tour, that's definitely not right. Anyway, I'll say it. It's too late now. Yeah. We've just given every possible interpretation of it right there.

CJ's title is the man Dave Glug's Four. Wow. A couple weeks ago, I was heard glugging on an episode. Oh, yes. I don't know if people could hear it. But it must have been when we were doing CJ's last, that quite a question. Oh, well, CJ, this one's for you. Oh, no, don't glug.

I have a soft of cheer issues, okay? No, this was nothing to do that. You are punching down, man. It was particularly gluggy glug. I'm on new medication, okay? Are you happy? You're glugging away over there. Are you happy?

Don't you fucking start me. I had to go under three times to get approved of this shit. Oh, so I can glug, glug, glug on taxpayers' dime. That's right. I'm trying to get on the fucking PBS over here. Otherwise, it's $600 a script. That's no good. I'm not paying the...

that. No. CJ Wright, Hey, all, I just submitted one a little while ago,

but Dave was taking a very loud drink during it and might ask for more. So I'll ask a question that's very unbranded

from a murder-based Chicago improvising. You might remember. Yes, you went to a studio show. The Hitchcock show, what's it called? Hitchcock tails.

Beautiful. Well, done, Dave. Into its 11th year, even older than this show. Wow. Maybe even into it's 12th year. Fuck.

We'll never catch him. We're reeling you in. So, yeah, this is his question. What is your plan for the perfect murder? Oh, wow. I feel like you two are great people to ask this

because Dave loves murder mysteries and Jess loves killing. Pardon me, okay. God, I love to kill. What's your favorite killing method? Well, women poison. That's what I learned by watching. No, no, women are poison. I learned that right.

Oh, no, that was on the other show. It's on Deadlock. Yeah, so good. Women, poison. Learn a lot. Learn a lot from that show. So, yeah, I guess I'd poison. Yeah.

Just that, you know, I don't want to stretch myself or like, you know, yeah. Yeah, okay, great. Oh, hang on. That just makes me think about last week's episode. Yeah. Women poison. There were 49 people in the suspect pool. Yeah.

Let's get the men out of there. Yeah. Take them out of the pool. Clearly not a man. That man was poison. He was poison. So get the men out. Let him go home.

Yeah. Give them the day off. Women, you keep. Paddleon. Yeah. Until one of you admits you poison. You'll all stay here until one of you admits. So your lunchtime, guys.

Okay. How would you murder, Dave? Well, I'm a big strong man, so I'd probably... Just strangle. Wait, Dave, this might help you out, actually. Oh, good. Are there options? Because CJ continues.

For the sake of the thought experiment, let's say Dave has to kill Matt, Matt has to kill Jess, and Jess has to kill Dave. That's exactly how you wanted it last week. Yes, I wanted to shoot it. Dave in the face. That's what I'll do. I'm going to choose to shoot. I'm going to shoot Dave in the face.

You never said face. Yes, I did. I said it multiple times. Isn't that weird? Leave a beautiful corpse shoot me in the heart for God. This was written before we... Straight in the face. This was written before we recorded that episode.

That's amazing. That is weird. He got the exact order, right? Yeah, I'm shooting Dave in the face. So I've answered mine. And I'm shooting just in the back of the head. While I'm shooting, Dave. And I'm going to bury him out of life, so...

Oh, okay. Jesus Christ, Dave. What? Just because I say. said I'd shoot you with the face. Oh, hang on. Oh, God. Let's read the whole thing.

Scheme or plan would you employ to ensure even Hercule Poirot's little grose cells would not catch you up. I think I'd wear an invisibility cloak and shoot him for the face. But you get away with it because Piero would go, well, women only poison. This man's been shot in the face. Clearly a man did it. Yeah. And I'd shoot you with my right hand.

Oh, and what I'd do is I'd poison Matt. And then Pioro would think, well, a woman's clearly done this. Dave didn't. Just did it. Yeah, but I'm dead. Now what I'm going to do is I'm just going to live out the plot of one body, two victims or whatever Dave's. Two homicides, one victim.

Two homicides. Which is, of course, my seminal 2002 self-published crime thriller. Yes. If you want to hear it and you sign up on the Patreon, on the bonus episode level or above, it's called, my Dave wrote a Poirot, which is one of my finest pieces of work. That could be the greatest thing. you've ever said. But if this up...

Well, no, we always encourage the question writer's answer in questions. Of course. And C.J. has writing, and I know I'm supposed to answer my own question. I would give them a bitter poison and disguise it... A bitter or a bit of? Bitter. Oh, right. A bitter poison.

And disguise it in a bitter tasting alcohol. Say Chicago's famous Mallort, which I shared with C.J. Oh, my God. That is a filthy. but it grew on me after the second shot, I've got to tell you. The key to this plan is to use very slow acting poison, so it will not take effect until they are back in Australia. Okay, this sounds like that sounds specific.

Wow. Oh my God. I've long forgotten being, oh my God, being forced to take a shot with Chicago Improv icon Mick Napier. Wait, I took a shot of Malort. Wait a second. Chicago Improv Man. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And you're clutching your heart. Oh, my God. CJ finishes by saying, anyway, what's your perfect murder plot? And Matt, I would answer quickly. That is incredibly threatening enough. Well done.

Well done. Well done to you. He's done again, CJ. Jeez, that's a good plan. Can I have yours, CJ? And the other thing about that is everyone would be suspecting it's a woman because women poison. But once again, I'm sticking with my original plan. I'm wearing a visibility cloak and I'm shooting down in the face.

What about if I've got to take a... Close range. I'm going to explode his head. Look, Poirot's not there watching, so... Does the invisibility cloak help you that much? Well, Dave said... No witnesses. Oh.

And the gun has invisibility cloak on it. And I said, I do it with my right hand, so he wouldn't even suspect me because I'm notoriously left-handed. And women poison. So it couldn't have been you. I'm shot him in the face. Yeah. Yeah. I gave him lead poisoning to the face, I guess.

And I'm a really good actor, so I'd be like, what? Dave? You don't think. I did it. I'm so sad. What about for Matt? Is there some way that I could get you really drunk and then make it so it looks like you choked on your own beard?

We're going to need him to grow his beard out a little bit more. And then shoving at his mouth. Unfortunately, he just passed out and put his head back in his beard is went in his mouth and he just suffocate at it. What do you think? Yeah, I think that's great. I love that death fear. Yeah, I think it's good to make it be an accident, right?

Yeah. Because there's someone real grim about putting someone else in the frame by framing them. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You're there in jail for the rest of their lives. I don't know if I could live with myself. I'm sure I could kill. Yeah, but if I killed you, it would be a victimless crime.

But if I frame someone else. Yeah, exactly. Hey, I had it coming. A fantastic question. A beautiful question. A beautiful thought experiment. Yeah. Thanks so much for putting.

I think I answered a little too quickly, but... Finally this week, we've got one from Matthew Abad from The Funky Funfunkey. No, not from it. Is it? Matthew Abad, aka the Funky Funcifunkey. And the Funky Funkie's question is, When you're a kid, was there an article of clothing you absolutely love to wear? And the Funky Fun Flunky has answered his own question here, which I appreciate.

Mine was a T-shirt. My parents bought me from a trip. they took to Hawaii. It was a great white shark, and the shark's mouth was a flap on the shirt. You could open to reveal his super cool and sharp teeth. Hell yeah. I would tear apart my dresser trying to find that shirt, and it broke my heart when I grew out of it.

Oh, fantastic. That's cute. Do you want to hear something cute? Mm-hmm. Is, um, mom has a t-shirt that I had when I was about 18 months old, and it has like two little owls on it. but apparently I used to stand in front of the mirror and look at the owls and pat them and go, who, who, who.

That's adorable. That's really cute. It's adorable, Jess. Just talking about that the other day. I also had a, I had a, like, flannel shirt, a flannel shirt that had a matching scrunchy because it was for girls. That's a great combo. Yeah, it was pretty sick. Wow.

Great combo. Yeah. Yeah. Can I have it? Yes. For your beard. I love it. Ooh.

Keep growing it. Keep growing it so I can stuff it in. I mean, you guys, you have a favourite item of clothing as a kid? Definitely, there's lots of photos of me wearing a green Power Rangers outfit. Oh, cute. That was like made it. I remember there used to be this market in Eltham, I don't know, how often it was on, monthly, weekly or whatever. And then there was just this store where this lady sold homemade, you know, obviously copyrighted material.

Yeah. You could buy like a Captain Planet outfit or Power Rangers one. That's cool. The green one was my favorite. And, yeah, got to wear that. That's very cute. A lot. I'm thinking my Pittsburgh Penguins hat, which I got from my parents.

I think it was because it was like the carrot for stopping biting my nails. If I stopped biting my nails for six months when I was like 12 or something, maybe younger, I'd get to get a hat. And at Sports Mart the bargain bin, I didn't have no idea it was, just looked like a cool hat, yellow and black penguins on it. You've been a hacker ever since. Been a hacker, been a penguin guy ever since. Go penguins.

He loves the penguins. Very penguin heavy episode last week. Not enough penguins this week. Yeah, but you brought them in on purpose, I know. I appreciate that. I love a penguin. They're so far from home in Pittsburgh, though. Isn't that funny?

Yeah. Or are they? Maybe they're up. I think we've got all the penguins, but there's penguins all around the world. I'll let the world have that one. The world can have penguins. But we have the best ones in Melbourne. Oh, little fairy ones.

Yeah. Fuck, they're cute. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Um, yeah. So thank you so much to Matthew, CJ, Broderick.

And Lauren, next thing we do is thank you for other great Patreon supporters. Uh, Jesse normally come up with a bit of a game. Yeah, I was thinking, do we name their monster? Ooh, don't mind it. I love that. You don't mind it because you hate it? No, I love it. Oh, okay, great.

Don't mind if I do. Absolutely love that. And can I just say, I was obsessed to, I really wanted to find out where these penguins actually live. Yeah. In the northern hemisphere, there's only one species in the Galapagos Islands. Well, there you go. Apart from that, we've got them all down under, all in the southern hemisphere. Wow.

Okay. Okay. So they don't get to just, like, go to Phillip Island on a school excurs and see penguins. No, they don't get to camp out and see the little penguins. Wow. But they've got to remember, they got their own things. They've got moose. Oh, I want to see a moose.

They got pandas and something. some regions. Yeah. Beavis. Beavas. We got squarles. Squirrel. We have koalas.

They're cute. I've never seen one. Haven't you? No. Like in the world. Yeah. Oh, cool. Have you seen one?

Yeah. I haven't seen one in the wild. I don't think it's sanctuaries and that kind of thing. I've seen wombats, kangaroos, wallabies, dingoes. Oh yeah. But I've never seen a koala. Oh, that's cool. Seeing crocodiles.

Yes. What else have you seen? Let's list up. Yeah. No, let's come up with some monsters. Yeah. Love cocavobobos. Okay, sorry, monsters, absolutely.

All right, well, if I can kick yourself, I'd love to thank. From Urbana in Illinois, hey, Lewis Baldemar, thank you. What's Lewis? Could be Louis. Or Louis Baldemar's monster. Oh. Okay, the giant pig-eared back otter. Oh, yeah.

Pig-eared back? Pig-eared back. Pig-yed back. So it's got a little saddle built into its back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can jump on for a ride. And if you're staying for more than 10 seconds, you win a prize. Oh, that's pretty cool, actually.

That's a cool monster. Yeah. But you've got to catch it first. You got to catch it. Which is difficult. That's the challenge. You don't see them that much. These monsters are, you know, they know how to stay hidden.

Oh, Lewis, you'd be pretty happy with that one. Next up, I love to thank for him. Looks like destination unknown. Oh. Address unknown. Ruby, say, ho. Can only... That's, yes, what my brain did there.

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. hope. Can only assume deep within the Ruby Soho of the mole, Aidan Cranston. Aidan Cranston. The, uh, the earless, not, no mind. I was going to say, eeless mole.

I don't think they have ears. I think we, let's go to the three, the three word thing. All right, I'll get us off. Monkey. Eared. Whale. Whoa. That is weird if you say it.

That is weird. That is weird. Any whale with big ears. Like a monkey. Oh, yeah. That's weird. Like we scale them up to whale. Scale them up.

They're not tiny little. Yeah, like on a blue whale, these ears are bigger than people. I think that sounds like a beautiful beast. Yeah, I think we've nailed that. Thank you so much, Aiden. And finally from me, I'd love to thank from Southfield in, am I in the US?

Am I, Dave, Missouri? Minnesota, Michigan. The M's get us every time. Yeah. Anyway, I'd love to thank. I'll look it up. Haley, Kayson Grobel. From Michigan.

That is one of the great names. Haley-Case and Groble. I was so focused on MI for Michigan that I missed it. Haley-Kaysen Grobble. That's so good. I grobble for you. All right. The...

Are you starting? Yep. The dolphin. I'd. Mint ball. Mint ball. It's not anything. But it's spooky, isn't it?

That's the thing you don't know what it is. A ball, if you saw like some sort of ball that you think is minty and it has the eyes of a dolphin, I'm shitting myself I'm leaving my wife in the water Are you packing? I'm absolutely swimming away from that See you later Are you packing your wedding dates?

Absolutely Yeah The marriage is over I'm sorry Wow Jess you want to thank a few I would love to I would love to thank

from Walkworth I am Walkworth in here Sorry In New Zealand I would love to thank Chenjiwa Chituta

How do you have I think I went there. Chenji, Chenjiwa Chituta. I think I'd say that too. I love the first name and last name, both starting with C. Me too. Love that,

Dave, can we do that with our monster? Three chis. Yes. You want to kick it up? Okay, the chocolate. Chin, chinned. Chimpanzee.

Oh, that's great. It was a chimp, but it had like this big chocolate, like, massive, like Abraham Lincoln big jaw, maybe a big beard underneath of the chocolate too, just to really emphasize how big this thing is. Yeah.

Beard under the chocolate. Yeah. Wow. Under the jaw, like a chinchrap. That is, hanging off the chocolate. Menacing. I would also love to thank from Baltimore, Samantha Sivering.

Oh, a bit more alliteration with SS. Can we do that again? Yes. All right, let me kick it off here with salacious. Snake. Selamander. Whoa, a snake salam. A really long salamander.

And salacious. Oh, this thing. Oh, you'll never. Oh, you'll never believe it. Oh, he's naughty. Don't go there, snake salamander. I've already gone there. Obsolacious.

Oh, what's he long? It's been a long day. And finally, for me, I would love to thank from Colorado Springs. Oh, beautiful. In Colorado, Joanna, Nelson, Rendon. Oh, my God. What are we go, JNR. Okay.

So I'll start it off with the jagged nighttime. Reindeer. Oh, that's scary. That's scary. Especially the jagged, like, what's that? What's a jagged reindeer? Yeah, that's scary. The horns or the body is jagged.

What's going on? And night time is one of the scarier time. I couldn't think of it. I'd say it's the scariest. For me personally. Yeah. Yeah, wow. Or dawn.

That's pretty spooky. Oh, yeah, Dawn is too. Dave, do you want to thank some people? I would love to thank from Bloomington, Indiana. A big shout out. Thank you to Donna K. Ziber DKZ

Alright Should we do DKZ I'm going to say The um Diabolical King Zebra

Whoa Thank God there Zebra This is a really big zebra Yeah Well it's got a big energy Yeah Yeah Always plan and scheming

Yeah Always plan and scheming Wow There's repeating words It has been a long time. Always planning scheming. Yeah, always planning scheming. What am I in a musical?

I would like to thank from Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, God's country. God's country. It's just repeating you can. I would like to thank Michael Brown. Oh, all right. Okay. Meteoric.

blimp-like bassoonist Whoa! The blimp-sized monster All of its heft plays down the bassoon. Yeah. So it goes,

ho- wh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And in that time, yeah, and that is a spot-on bassoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, as per usual. Spot on. I can flashback to a time the year of that, when my sister was in the year eight school band,

and we went to see the band play. And there was multiple different ones, like the young, the seven and eight band, the nine, ten or whatever. And the 11 and 12 band came on and played on forever. And the only thing, I was like, grade five or something, keeping me interested. And basically my whole family engaged was watching the bassoonist and how red in the face he was going.

It was like, yeah. He said, oh, Michael, look how you, he's going to die. Colin Andrewins. It's hilarious. It was the only part of entertainment for me, so a bit of fun. And finally, I would like to think from Somerville, South Carolina. It is Kim Mick Vicker. Oh, that's good.

That's good. So we got maybe to KMV. Yeah. Okay. So I'll start off with the king. Minza. Vicker. King Minza Vicker.

Yeah. It's the King Mincer Vicka. It's pretty spooky. Yeah. Imagine a vicar that's sort of like, so Vicar is in like a church person. Yes. But they're not,

no one's given them a job. They just, they appear sometimes. Yeah. That's pretty spooky. That's pretty spooky. Yeah. The king,

I don't know what, mince. I thought it was like mince or is it going to mince things. But no, it's just a vicar. No, it's still mincing stuff. Yeah,

a vicar rocks up in your kitchen in the middle of the night and starts mincing things. That's scary. Some of the stuff doesn't even need to be minced. He's mincing butter. What are you doing? Stop it.

The last thing we need to do is welcome a few people into the trip toitch club. There's four inductees this week. And the way this works, if you don't know, it's a bit of the theatre of the mind. People have been signed up on the shoutout level or above. We induct them into the club. Once you get in, you can never leave. But that's a good thing. We swear it is.

And yeah, it's sort of theory of the mind. Walk in, it's a lounge. It's a ballroom. It's whatever you want it to be. There's booths just behind the bus. Dave's up on stage. I'm seeing the night. He's keeping everyone pumped up.

He's also booked a band and I'm on the door. Just in a bit of admin. I got the clipboard. I got your names. I'll read out your name. Run on in. I've lifted up the velvet rope. Dave's going to hype you up,

get the crowd into a bit of a raucous mood. Jess will hype up Dave because Dave is pretty low on the old self-esteem. Sorry what? Jess, have you come up with a drink for tonight, by the way? Yeah, I actually got some of that. Well, actually, snack-wise, I have made an artist's impression of George out of dip. So good.

It looks kind of weird, but the dip's delicious. And then drinks-wise, I thought it would be interesting to, like, get some of the lake water. So I went to the lake, and I just, like, got a sauce pet of water and that I boiled it. Oh. Oh, Jess, no. Not in the same, not on the same stove. Yeah. Oh, Jess.

It's too hot. Oh, God. Jess. I can't get it. You're going to stop using that stove. I can't get it to cool down. It's summer in Australia, man. It goes from zero to 11 that stove.

There's no medium heat. So I don't know if we have any drinks. Oh, my, it would have evaporated. It's still there and it just won't get, it won't leave. Oh, it's still boiling, even with the stove off. I've turned it off. I've moved it. Else I put it in the fridge.

It broke the fridge. What do you want people to do with it? I don't know. I just need help. Can someone take it? it? No. They tried.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. And Dave, you booked a band? I'm afraid I've also fucked it up this week. What? I booked a band. I was very happy to have these people. One stage, one of the big spans in the entire world.

Depeche Mode are here. Wow. But unfortunately, they are refusing to play any of their songs. We will be, in fact, enjoying the silence. So, they'll be on stage, but they will not be making any music. I'm so sorry. We can't. can chat or anything?

Nope. We can't put on like a Spotify playlist. That would be rude to the band. They just refuse to play any of this one. Right. Yeah, fair enough. Can we chat to them? No. Can we ask some questions or?

Are we allowed to look at them? Yeah, you can look at them. Okay. But do not touch. Okay. They were explicit. Can't afford the merchandise. You break it, you bought it.

I'm not going to break it. Yeah. That's a shame. All right. So we got four inductees here. Dave, you ready to hype them up? Absolutely. Let me just get the velvet rope here.

All right. First, I'm on the last. list please make them welcome everyone make some noise from footscgray here in melbourne it's bridget jolly i'm feeling bridget all right there's in feeling jolly was what you expect to me to say yeah yeah that's okay fine i'm feeling jolly bridget's here yeah but you expect him to say that so i tried to make it sound like something else but then it sounded weird personally i liked it but i did make it sound like you were being inappropriate yeah i'm not sure bridget would appreciate that so do you want to have another girl or get back your pants from future

feelings i'm feeling jolly okay yep with noe. Woo! Yeah, yeah, move on. It's the jokey so it sounds like it. Yes. Okay, and next up, we used to do this with Pace. Next up from Address Unknown must be from Deep Within the Fortress of the Moles.

Please welcome in, Olivia Cryger or Cregor. Or Creeger. Which one do you want to go with? I've got to go with something. Cryga. Cryger, um, uh, you make me raw like a tiger. Sure, yes. That's so funny.

the only animal I could think of was a lyga. Next up from Drexel Hill in Pennsylvania in the United States. Please welcome in. Barbara Murphy. Does this work? Barbara don't Murphy. Don't Murphy. No.

That works almost too well. And finally, from Wirral. Remember we once had Worrell from Wirral from Wirral. Well, this could be, but from Wirrell in Great Britain at Steph. I want to say Steph Worrell. This whole night has taken a Steph up. Yeah, because Steph's here. From Wirral.

That's from Wirral. Thank you so much and make yourselves at home. Steph, Barbara, Olivia and Bridgett. Grab yourself a cup of too hot water and enjoy the silence. I'm so sorry about the water. Jess, anything we need to tell people before we go? They can suggest a topic over at dogoonpod.com or there's a link in the show notes. And you can find us on social media at dogo

on pod or do go on podcast on TikTok where we're blowing up baby oh my god we can't be stopped we can't be stopped TikTok has said can you guys stop and we're like nah we're i think we've had videos that have hit four digits of views yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh there's a fourth digital i know i think they had to come up with one for us crazy but yeah you can find us over on social media and dave boot this baby home hey we'll be back next week with another fantastic episode but until then i'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye. Bye!

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