Do Go On - 434 - Alice Roosevelt; The Original White House Wild Child

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

We've talked a fair bit about some of the US Presidents on this podcast, but we haven't talked enough about their kids. Teddy Roosevelt's eldest daughter, Alice, was social, political and fashion icon, and played by her own rules. Listen to this ep to hear about her wild life, alongside special guest Marcel Blanch de-Wilt! This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 10:34 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: patreon.com/DoGoOnPodSupport the show on Apple podcasts and get bonus episodes in the app: http://apple.co/dogoon Live show tickets: https://dogoonpod.com/live-shows/ Catch Marcel's shows at the MICF - Let Me Eat Cake and The NewlywedsSubmit a topic idea directly to the hat: dogoonpod.com/suggest-a-topic/ Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/ Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present.  REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://allthatsinteresting.com/alice-roosevelt-longworthhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Roosevelt_Longworthhttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Alice-Roosevelt-Longworthhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodore_Roosevelt Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Oh, and welcome to another episode of DoGo On. I am Matt Stewart and with me as always is Jess Perkins. Hello, Matt. One of the best in the biz.

Jess's, Perkinses? Or just in general. No, just people. Really? In what biz? In this biz. What's this? This biz, uh, entertainment.

Oh, I wouldn't. Okay. Bert Newton's number one. Your number two. Get. Absolutely. I've just heard. He died.

You've been bumped up to number. I cannot be number one. Well, it's a lot of pressure. Yeah. But until Bert has a child, which he can't do now, he's dead. It's a weird system. Now I'm remembering he did have a child. He had a couple kids and grandkids.

Okay. Well, you might be bumped down again. And Jess, Dave. It's fine. He's fine. He didn't show up today, which we're not worried about. No. And, yeah, we looked into it, so you don't have to.

He is fine. I just spoke to him on the phone last night, actually. Oh, yeah. About how fine he is. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I overheard you talking and I heard you say that, yeah, he's fine. He's fine.

Which is great news. So, we asked him who is someone that he would love to see sit in his little chair. Yes, it is a small chair. So it's kind of cruel that he's chosen a very tall man. Yes, I think maybe he was being a bit of an asshole. What a prick. But he did say one name and one name only. And we weren't able to get.

Bert, because he is dead. He's dead. We have to check it. He is dead. But luckily, Marcel Blanch de Wilt is able to sit in the chair. It's so small. It's very small, yeah. It started as a joke, to be honest, because we...

Can I... Do you mind if I move over to this other chair? I do mind. Okay. Yeah, if you could stay in that chair, that would be good. And actually, pull behind the curtain, I'm sitting in Dave's chair right now. You're in my chair. Oh, that's this butt groove.

Yeah, it's mine. We match... And it is sweaty. We have matching sweaty butt grooves. We do. That's very cute. Just started dance craze years ago called The Butt Groove. Yeah.

Yeah, I've forgotten about that. You forget everything, but yeah, that swept the nation. Yeah. Forgetting is usually a coping mechanism. That's right. I repress it. Yeah, yeah. I don't forget it.

I repressed it in there. I just pushed it down. Oh, it's in there. And it comes out sometimes. And just because Dave's on here, can I double check we are recording? Yes, we are. Great. See that gigantic screen?

Yeah, I'm just suddenly saying one red light on that thing. I may be nervous for a second. I just don't want to waste. One red light on this. On the board there. But that probably is for some other reason. I think that's the select button, which I don't really know what it does. I think the fact that we can all hear each other in our headphones is very promising.

That's a great sign. And see the sound on the screen. Yeah. Hey, Marcel, you've listened to this show before. You were one of the first to criticise it. Yeah, you bet. I bring it up every time. And you're still riffing.

I can't tell you. Cut that out. I keep checking in. I listen to the episodes and like, oh, still these dog shit riffs. For new listeners, Marcel, early days, quite earnestly message me saying, really like the show, but could you cut the shit? Yeah, essentially, yeah, and I apologise for it. No, you have, and we've moved on.

I have brain chemistry undiagnosed. Anyway, I'm taking the long way around to say, you have listened to the show a few times. Big firm. So you're probably in a really good position to explain what it is to new listeners. Yes, indeed. It's almost like a school report being given. One person goes away and, and, writes a report on a certain subject story, idea, and then reports are back to the class

la, Ella. Ella. Ella. Ella. Ella. Under our umbrella. Yes. Reports are back and then the other two people do some hot riffs off the back.

Yeah. Not dog shit riffs, just hot ones. Yeah, yeah. They never interrupt. Marcel's definitely changed his shoe on that point. Yeah. Yeah. Now that I'm part of the family.

Also, where was my invitation to the golden shining? Gary's. The Golden China Gary's this year. I didn't get a phone call saying I won anything, which is weird. Yeah, you did not win. I was waiting by the phone. You did not win. But also the award ceremony, the feedback we got from last year was self-indulgent, you know, over the top.

You said that. Yes. Yeah. The feedback came from inside the building. The food from me. I went, oh, we spent a lot of money to give ourselves awards. That was silly. So this year, it lost quite a lot of money.

Uh-huh. Yeah. It was an understated affair this time. It was me playing the music off my laptop. It was a beautiful understated moment. But yeah, you didn't win. So just be better on this episode. All right.

And then, you know, hold on hope for next year. Okay. That's the only feedback I can give you. You can actively campaign this point of the years. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So this one is open to... This will be eligible.

Yep. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Cool. Best guest non-reporter. That's right. Yeah, it is.

Yeah. So, because I'm actually doing a report this time. In case you were about to tune out because you're like, Marcel's going to do one of his three-hour Indiana Jones reports. Don't worry. I'm just here as a guest. That episode should be called do spoil on more like it. It should be called that. Should we go back and change it?

We should. But it's my turn to do a report and mine are always very efficient. Yes. She loves to edit. She cuts the fat. Yeah. You're looking at your watch right now going, I've got places to be. I've got places to be.

I'm a busy woman. I have a couch to sit on. I'm very busy. For listeners, they should know that the episodes initially that Jess does are very long. Yes. It's quite an intensive edit procedure to get it back to the hour and whatever. It takes me two weeks to write the report and a full week. And I'm talking 12 hour days minimum, sometimes 18, to then edit it down.

It's a bad way to work, but the results speak for themselves. Yes, they do. The best reports. Do you win any awards? I did not. I was close I was close I think you're a guest on the best

Who knew it episode Yeah that's true I think you probably won I think we can't avoid winning awards on that show Yeah You've made it that way You've constructed it that way

Yeah the fact that you and Dave Both have spin-off podcasts That have their own category It definitely helps Because then you've got one guaranteed So I should I must I should add to

But you're on all the DoGone episodes as well That win Oh true When are you gonna have a spin off I'll get there Oh man Is the audience

Doesn't think that But you have enough potential? They don't want it. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely don't get comments being like, when are you going to start your own? Jess, do you know what you're inviting right now? Oh, God, don't. Don't.

If I get to it, I'll get to it. People are going to pitch your things? I don't. No, they're just going to tell me to do it. Oh. And that's actually the opposite of what you need to do to me if you want me to do something. Don't do it. Yeah, exactly.

So one time. Reverse psychology works so good on Jess. It does. I'm stupid. One time I was watching TV with my dad and there was a, There was an ad for an ABC show about, like, parents with really gifted kids. Like, they were, like, elite athletes at a young age and stuff. And it was sort of talking about that relationship and, you know, the way that the parents pushed the kids.

And I said to my dad, I was like, see, maybe you should have just pushed me more. And I would have, I could have excelled. And he was like, you can't be pushed. You have to be tricked. And I was like, shut. Oh, fuck, he's right. He's absolutely. My drama teacher in year 11 said, yeah, no, she keeps going the way she's going.

She'll be a B, maybe B plus student. And I was like. Excuse me. And then I got a perfect score in year 12. Oh, wow. Out of spite. So, yeah, don't tell me to do it if you want me to do another podcast. Hey, Jess.

Do a real bad episode of Tico-1-Tay. Hey, Matt, fuck you. I'm going to blow your frickin' mind. Don't do your report right now. Well, I'm going to start with the question. You dogs. Here's my question. To get us on to the topic.

In suggesting this topic, Myra from Melbourne referred to this person as the original White House White House Wild Child. Who is this person? Chelsea Clinton. It's not Chelsea Clinton? I don't know anything about. I'm really not sure if you'll know this name.

Original White House Wild Child. Yeah. So a child. Herbert Hoover's daughter. See, I'm wondering if it's actually a child or that's just an expression. It is a daughter of a president. So maybe name some presidents. Okay, so you did Chelsea Clinton. Not Nixon.

Earlier than Nixon. Lincoln. Not Lincoln. Somewhere between Lincoln and Nixon. There was a couple of these in there, in the presidency at different times. Yes. A couple of daughters. No, one of the guys on the forgotten guy on the cliff face of presidents had the same surname as the guy on the wheelchair.

Okay. LBJ. Not LBJ all the way with him, though. Lyndon B, a good option to suggest, but it's the surname. name is, give me a letter. You were recently in America. You probably...

Roosevelt. Yes. Oh, interesting. So it's Teddy Roosevelt, or Theodore Roosevelt, his daughter, Alice. Oh, are we going to be talking about the origin of the teddy bear?

No. She was such a wild child. Yeah, she loved to play with toys. He had to somehow figure out a way to calm her down. That is where the teddy bear began. That is how I talk, too. So that's a pretty good impression.

I mean, wherever 400 episodes in, I would feel like teddy bear as an episode concept could happen. I recently learned that, and I haven't verified this, but I think teddy bears are actually modelled after a dog. A specific dog, the chow chow chow chow. And when you look at a chow chow chow, you're like, that's a teddy bear face. Wow. Well, see, here we go. Now we've got listeners going, all right, I want to hear this teddy bear episode.

It's already too fun fast. Put in the hat. I'm going to go on a limb and say it's probably a Patreon mini episode. I don't know if there's that much in it. But yeah, this report is about the first child of Teddy Roosevelt. It's been suggested by a few people. Caitlin Clay's from Newman, Western Australia, Myra from Melbourne,

English Prevaux from Brooklyn, New York, and Daryl and Atkinson from California. And, yeah, it seems like it's interesting to do a report on the child of a president, but she lives a pretty fun life and she's a pretty fun character. So, firstly, a little bit of background on her, father. So, Theodore Roosevelt, Jr., often referred to as Teddy, was an American politician, statesman, conservationist, naturalist, and writer who served as a vice president to William McKinley

and assumed the presidency after William McKinley. He was the 26th president of the United States from 1901 to 1909 and remains the youngest person to become president at 42 years old. Right. Young buck. Yeah. And then that made me go on a bit of a rabbit hole because I was like, Barack felt young, to me. He was 47. Right. But still, 42. So you've still got time.

I've got time, definitely. Matt, way past it. Yeah. It's ticking. Yeah. I've got to get my shit together. You got to be president. Yeah, you've probably got to do something in politics first.

So I'd get to move on. And be born in America. Oh, okay. Well, it's a little bit constrictive. Well, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I agree.

But when I'm present, I'm going to change that rule. You reckon you're going to be a. American prison before me. Yeah. Really? Wow. Okay. I've got the numbers. Okay. Interesting. The college system favours me.

Oh, you like the electoral college. Yeah, because I think it's bad and rigged, which feels like that's got to help me. That's got to help. I don't think there's many presidents who have shoulder-length hair, but also the sides are all shaved. I do have a bad haircut. I didn't say bad. Well, you took a long way around, in you. I said unconventional for a president.

Okay. I didn't say bad. Well, I'd have to go back to the tape, but I'm pretty sure Lincoln... Under my breath, I said, bad. He's bad, it's so bad, oh my God, but... I think Lincoln had something like this. He had quite a decent beard. Yeah.

You wouldn't be the first bearded president, that's for sure. No, but there hasn't been a bearded president for like a long time since a taft, I think, might have been the last one. What? Taft. Taft, yeah. That's after Roosevelt. Yeah.

Hasn't been another one since then. I don't think there's been facial hair since then, yeah. People don't trust it. That's wild. It doesn't test well. Because a lot of men look better with a bit of facial hair. Yeah. Thank you so much.

And I'd be voting for a hotter president. Yeah. That's just me. That's how I vote. Well, that's the thing. They're so hot. They don't even need it, the ones they get in. Yeah.

You know, some of these raising guides are studs. Yeah. Donald. Let's go back. Biden, Habah, Habah. Who else is it? Obama. Obama was genuinely hot.

Was he? Was he? Was he? Is he really? There you go. Obama's an attractive guy. He's got... Hotter than bite?

He has gravitas. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And he has a sense of humour. I like that about him. And he's got power. Oh, I like that too. Push my button and push the big red button.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I say. George W. Fox. Yep. George H. H.W. Fox Fox Fox.

Fox. Fox Daddy. Yeah. Anyway, this is where we've gone to from 42 years old at president. We skip Bill Clinton because, you know, he's an island man. Anyway, allegedly. An island man. You know, the island?

No. Okay. But I don't think I want to know. Dr. Moreau. Oh, I see. He's part animal. They put animal parts in him. It's a quote from the animal by Rob Schneider.

Michael Caten was in it. One of his. And they put animal parts in you. Oh, no. I put animal parts in you. Michael Caten? Michael Caten, yeah. Wow.

Anyway, okay. They fell out afterwards. That's disappointing. I love my name. Caden. Anyway. Well, no, probably for the best, Rob Schneider didn't deserve him. A few edits early. But we're having fun. Anyway, so, youngest person to become president at 42 years old, a couple of other interesting anecdotes about his early life. So his youth was largely shaped by his poor health and he had debilitating asthma.

He repeatedly experienced sudden nighttime asthma attacks that caused the experience, like the feeling of being smuthing. Mothered to death. Oh, that is awful. Isn't that horrendous? I was going to say, like, that's the worst time of day to have it anyway, but that sounds really bad. You know, it could be comforting in a situation like that. A tiny little toy bear to cuddle up to.

Okay. And thus the teddy bear was born. Okay. We're going to get to that. What about ventolin? Yeah, okay. Harder. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty scary, but doctors didn't have a cure. So he just kind of had to live with asthma his whole life. Pretty full on. But he lived like a really. active life. I think he found that, like, staying really active helped. So he was really active his whole life. Was this, is his medical advice on the pod? Yeah, if you've got asthma, go for a run.

I think that's a great call. I had asthma as a kid and they did encourage being active, swimming and other things. I mean, I look at you. Yeah. Picture of health. Oh, yeah. I shook off that asthma. Yeah. I think you can grow out of some reason. Yeah, I had a bit of asthma as a kid. But, yeah, is this nighttime is what's bringing? it on the asthma or laying down. Yeah, hard to say. Because if it was just the nighttime air or whatever, I would just become a night hour.

Yeah, be nocturnal. Yeah. Is air different at night? I think it's probably colder. Okay. That's fair. That's a good answer. Yep.

But yeah, I mean, inside is, I don't know if he has. But if it's lying down, just get one of those beds that lifts your head up in bed. Yeah. Or sleep like a vampire. Yeah. But are they still lying down? Yeah.

Okay. Or no, what about if they, They sleep like a bat hanging upside down. That'd probably be good. Good for your lungs. Yeah. Any excess moisture. Yeah, you just dribble it out.

Gross. Oh, okay. We're saving a life and that's gross to you. The phrase dribble it out was a bit gross. The saving a life, very admirable. Okay. But dribble it out, yuck. He had a lifelong interest in zoology.

And that began at age seven when he saw a dead seal at a local market. Okay. What kind of zoo is how you think? of. After obtaining the seal's head, Roosevelt and two cousins formed what they called the Roosevelt Museum of Natural History. I think his teachers put a positive spin on this one. He's really interested in zoology.

Having learned the rudimentary skills of taxidermy, he filled his makeshift museum with animals that he killed or caught. See, this is the thing is like back in the day, you could be that weird kid in class and still be present. These days, you could never. Yeah, back then it was rebranded as an interest in zoology. But now it would be like an interest in serial killing. What are you talking about?

Are you suggesting that everyone who makes it a president of sound mind? No, I'm not about, I'm talking about the value we put in children is what I'm saying. It's like, I'm not talking about presidency per se. You're saying children don't have value. I'm saying that all children should be stopped. I'm a sort of trunchball type and I feel like they should all go to the chokie. and they're good for nothing. Keep them somewhere away from me.

More chockies for me. Until they're like, what age? 17, 18? Even then, I've got enough to talk to you about. 42, president age. What are you bloody Leonardo DiCaprio? No, that doesn't quite work. It doesn't quite work.

I'm not talking about dating them. Okay. And even then, his cut off is 25. Right. At least their brains are fully formed, you know? Just. Okay. That's his cut off.

Not his cut on, though. I think he'll go 18 and 25. Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never hear about people's cut on edge. You never do. You're absolutely right. I was wrong there and gross.

Yeah. Anyway, so he's killing and catching animals and stuffing him. And thus the teddy bear was born. And thus the teddy bear was born. Oh, that makes sense. Well, he needed some comfort because his father suddenly died in 1878. And he was absolutely devastated. He inherited from his dad $65,000.

In today's money, that's the... equivalent of nearly two million dollars, enough wealth on which he could live comfortably for the rest of his life. So you can say he was a self-made man. Oh no. He comes from money. There's some of that famous Stuart sarcasm. Yeah.

It's the thing is it's so rare from man that you miss it sometimes. Sorry, Marcel, you might not understand this. I don't know if you're into joke writing or jokes. Doctoring. But what that's called is comic. irony. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. Let me write this down. It's just a little tool in my belt that I'll whip out every now and then.

And it is a literal belt. It is a literal belt. Yeah. I do have a hammer that says comic irony. It's bulky. Yeah. And I will hit you over the head with it. You're holding them over my end right now in a very threatening fashion. So he graduated from Harvard in 1880 and then attended Columbia Law School, but found law to be irrational, eventually leaving Columbia and entering politics, a much more rational place. Yeah, the law is an ass. That's a phrase I've coined today. The law is an ass. The law is an ass and what an ass. A real peach, real bubble butt.

Love that law ass. What an ass! Oh, you're breaking out your patina. It's early on the pod. You do this sometimes and it's mean. You're just letting me go. I know what you're doing. I was supporting you. I was smiling and nothing. It took me a little while before I realized that you were giving me enough rope and appreciate it.

You said the law is an ass and I went, okay. Isn't that a saying? Is that not a saying? The law is an ass. You're going to Google him? I might be. misremembering. And then you went off about bubble butts and peaches.

At what point am I supposed to help you? That is an expression. The law is an ass. The law is an ass. Okay. I mean, I'm very much in the Jess camp here and that I was just watching and learned. It's fun to let you go sometimes.

Hey, the little life raft is always there. But you've got to get yourself into it. I'm on the big ship. I've thrown you the ring. Yeah, but nowhere near me. And you'll splash it around near the ring. And I'm like, well, once he holds onto the ring, I'll really admit, but I can't do anything before. Splashing around near the ring of the ass.

What an ass. So he leaves Columbia. He goes into politics the same year. On his 22nd birthday, he married 19-year-old socialite Alice Hathaway Lee. So we're assuming that 19 is his cut on? That's his cut on. Yeah, okay. She's a banking heiress as well, so she comes from money too.

according to Wikipedia Oh, that's like a it's a website that details like the lives of presidents Oh, yeah What is it Latin or something? I think so, yeah, wiki meaning like leader

Leader, media meaning Walking Okay Oh yeah Leader walking Leader walking I think it's German actually I'm okay

This is up there with stupidest episodes Is that wrong? You know what the problem is? We're having a little coffee. We're having coffee and there's no Dave. There's no Dave. Yeah, we need Dave. Dave, but...

Dave grounds us. You guys don't need Dave. I can Dave you guys up if you guys need to be daved. Why? No, but we're having fun. Yeah, yeah. When the cats away. Dave just kills the fun.

Yeah. I mean, I was about to write that as a bit of feedback for a future. Yeah. I was going to message you guys on Facebook to say, have you thought about getting rid of Dave? Yeah. That is funny how we talk about Dave when he's not here. Like, he's the straight-laced. nerd who's always, hey, guys, let's get back to the topic where he's like,

King, guys, let's get back to the chap. Yeah, he's probably one of the stupidest people you'll ever meet. Yeah, and the one who is generally going, guys, come on, is me. He's the dad of the podcast. Are you the mummy of the podcast? Wait, what does that mean? I'm your, what am I? I'm the weird uncle.

Yeah, the weird uncle. I guess I am the mummy because I do remind Matt to eat sometimes. Yes. And I needed you this morning because I ran out of time. And before we get in the car, I always go, Does anyone need to go? Do you need to go to the toilet? Safety way?

We're not stopping. Anyway, I'm a lot of fun. I piss my pants and doesn't car a lot. I have to put down those like puppy pants. People think I buy them for my dog, but he is toilet trend. That's not true. No, he does sometimes piss and sad. Anyway, so I was talking about Alice, the banking heiress and Teddy's wife.

Standing 5'6, she had blue-gray eyes and long, wavy golden hair. hair and was described as strikingly beautiful as well as charming. Her family and friends called her sunshine because of her cheerful disposition. She sounds lovely. That is really nice, but what a cumbersome nickname. Sunshine. Hey, sunshine. Don't think that's a weird.

It's two syllables. You're so sarcastic that you feel like that that sort of name would only be said in a sarcastic tone. Well, I think it tends to be like a pejorative sort of name for someone. You know, oh, hey, you're right there, Sunshine? You know, it's like, I don't think it's normally a positive kind of thing. I feel like this description of Sunshine feels like someone who wrote their own bio. Like it's only good stuff. Yeah.

She's super cool. She's really beautiful, but it's not just about her looks, which are incredible. She's also really nice. Yeah. Oh, okay. All of her friends call her Sunshine because she's just like so lovely and cheerful. Yes. Who would write that about themselves?

I think people writing bios of themselves would probably be harsher. But comedians who write bios. Jess Perkins is okay. Always have to be like really funny. Award winning. What award? Don't worry about it. Do you, because you like to skewer comedian tropes on your Instagram channel.

Have you ever done the one about, which I see comes up a lot, comedians doing their bios, and then breaking the fourth wall or whatever by saying, it's certainly not me typing it or whatever. Yeah, well, I haven't done that, but the one I do not like is the one on the posters where people will do two real quotes and then one, one silly one. And like the silly, it's always like, you know, so you get like the Guardian, someone's blog. And then the last one is like, needs to clean up after themselves. Their mom. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, right. And it was funny the first couple of times, but now people think that they're the first person to have done it. It's like, all right, we need a new thing. Yeah. It's tricky those things that are the cliches, though, because someone did come up with it. And if it is funny in a vacuum or funny as a first off, then maybe you should have a website of cliches so people can, you know, check off before they, you have a poster section. Don't, this has been done.

Don't do this. Yeah. Well, all, I mean, for the record, all of my things are done with love. They're like, I see this a lot. It doesn't come across that way, but he does sweat. I always, I watch those and I'm like, this fucking guy. Here we go. Oh, okay.

Hold on. Is this a, is this a gutcha part? Oh, the comedy dictator's in. Let's see. What royal decrees handing it down today? What aren't we allowed to do anymore? I get a lot of lovely feedback for those videos. I'll have you know.

Yeah, and a lot of people behind your back going, this fucking guy. I'm sure there are. But the beauty of putting yourself in that position is everything you ever do is fully original on stage and you, yeah, you never slip into any sort of. I never, never do. I'm only a unique butterfly. You definitely have, you must have started to feel more pressure on. Not so much on my own stuff because it's all a taste thing.

It's like, oh, yeah, this is just to my taste. So these are some comedy pet peeves. But what has happened is now people come offstage and go, oh, yeah, that's right. I asked people who was on the apps. And I'm sorry. I'm like, it's okay. That's okay. Wait, is it okay?

Because your videos make it seem like it's not okay. Please check out my Instagram, comedy writers group, and you can see what Matt's talking about. And how gentle I am. It's very gentle. I've learned a lot. But it has cut my act down from 50 minutes to 5. Anyway, Jess, do go on. So, that came off the back of sunshine.

I'm really sorry. Should I stop drinking this coffee? I think, no, keep drinking it, and that'll block your mouth. Okay. Someone once said... So, later writing of their first encounter... Someone once said... No, no, no, no.

Later writing of their first encounter, Roosevelt said, As long as I live, I shall never forget how sweetly she looked and how prettily she greeted me. So he was really besotted by her. And no one cares what someone said. He had proposed in June of 1879, and she'd waited eight months before accepting power play.

Wow. That's how they have to used to do it. Left on red. I think there was something about there was a whole different set of rules around at social etiquette that you couldn't be too quick to say yes. It had to be the courting thing. and you had to, but that sounds like it led to guys thinking they had to keep asking, which must have been annoying for the women.

I'm not, I'm not doing a play in the game here. This is a, no. Okay, got you. Winky says, no, no, no. No. Courtship, you know, as in I've caught you. Yeah, gotcha. Yeah.

Yeah. When Alice became pregnant in the summer of 1883, the Roosevelt's planned for a large family. and bought land for a large family home near the Roosevelt's summer home called Tranquility, which was in Oyster Bay in New York. So they're starting their family, they're excited. On February 12th, 1884, Alice gave birth to their daughter, Alice Lee Roosevelt. Oh, this is the report's about. I know.

I know. It's been half an hour. Sorry, but that's why nobody cares what somebody said one time. Do you want me to tell you what they said? I don't. So Teddy was in Albany on business. and hadn't expected the baby to be born for another few days. In fact, he thought the baby would be coming on the 14th,

because that was like three years since they got engaged. Oh, their engagement was announced. So he was like, that's when the baby will come. I love. And that's how babies work. Someone whose wife has gone pretty well, who's going well, obviously, I'll be able to guess when this happens, because everything always goes as I wanted to go. It's not a guess.

I'll be able to know. Yeah. Yeah. So he was away on business. He received a telegram the morning of the 13th, Because the baby was born like 8 o'clock at night or something. He gets a telegram the next morning saying the baby's been born. And he's like, great, okay, I made arrangements to leave that afternoon to be with his wife.

But another telegram came in informing him that his wife was quite ill. Oh. By the time he got home around midnight, she was in a semi-comatose state. Sadly, tragedy struck the family two days after baby Alice's birth when Alice's mother died suddenly. Sunshine? Sunshine died. I feel bad about being mean to work. now. Were you mean to her? I don't know. I just thought it was all a lie that she wasn't

actually nice. That she wrote her own bio. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so, so... That is so brutal. I know. Well, it gets a bit worse to me honest. It was later discovered she had an undiagnosed kidney disease and that very same day, Teddy's mother, Martha also died. Oh, shit. So he loses his mom and his wife in the same day and they lived with his mum because she was widowed. They lived with her. And thus the teddy bear was born. And thus the teddy bear was born because he needed comfort. Yeah. No, she had typhoid fever, and then his wife had Bright's disease. It was a kidney disease. So he's obviously absolutely.

Typhoid, that's when you get really in a typhoid. Typhoid. Yeah. Man, I love typhoid. I got typhoid fever. But it can be a bit much for some people. If they don't balance out there. Yeah.

Yeah. You're going to have other stuff in your life too. So he's gone from everything going right for him always to just the opposite of it. Yeah. That's the thing. Even if you're super rich, you can still have hard times. That's a good lesson. Yeah.

That actually, yeah, that means a lot to me. That makes me feel a bit better. Thank you. As a rich person. No, no, that rich people can suffer. Oh, okay. Can suffer. It does make me feel pretty good, yeah.

So he's obviously absolutely distraught. He was so distraught, in fact. He couldn't bear to speak of her. He never spoke of his wife. He couldn't teddy bear to speak of her. He almost never spoke of his wife again. He wouldn't allow her to be mentioned. mentioned in his presence and he even omitted his name, her name from his autobiography.

Oh my God. Like he just really buried it. What an interesting way to deal with it. Yeah, that's bizarre. You got to process. Hey, men out there, um, admitting your dead wife's name from your autobiography is not dealing with it. I will haunt the fuck out of Aden if he admits my name.

Because I'm, if I, so my wife's writing an autobiography. I'm dead. I'm a ghost. I'm watching her rider over her shoulder. Yeah, and bloody probably critiquing. Yeah, probably. critiquing it and be like a few too many cliches in there. What are you introducing in Act 1 that you're going to pay off in Act 3 sort of thing?

But I'm waiting for my name to come up. And if it's not coming up, I'm like, excuse me? Yeah. Excuse me what? Did I mean nothing to you? Yeah, that's bizarre. And I think, honestly, Marcel, because I know you and your wife, I don't think you mean anything to her.

Yeah. Just letting you know. Friend to friend. I got distracted for a second because I just came up with a great screenplay idea called The Ghost Writer and I'm actually a ghost. It's like we've got a double meaning. That's good stuff. And you could also get around on a motorcycle with a head on fire.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Do you think Marvel would get upset? Why? I don't know. Because I came up with an original idea. Yeah, they probably would. Because they've been hopeless lately.

All that he ever wrote about her was a little tribute that I have here. She was beautiful in face and form and lovelier still in spirit. As a flower she grew and as a fair, beautiful, beautiful, young flower she died. Her life had had been always in the sunshine. They had never come to her a single sorrow. And none ever knew her who did not love and revere for her bright, sunny temper and her saintly unselfishness. It sounds like she was actually quite nice. It wasn't just her writing. I wish she was still around. I've never heard a temper describe like that, like as a, a temper just feels like it is the negative, like the angry got a temper, but a sunny temper.

Sunny temper. Is that like just a shortening of temperament or something? Yeah. I guess that makes sense. And we've just over the years it's evolved down to just being angry temperament. Interesting. Yeah. He goes on saying, Haggard's language. Language. So beautiful. Oh, simply adore language. That's, you know, how asthmatic space. Fair, pure and joyous as a maiden, loving, tender and happy. As a young wife, when she had just become a mother, when her life seemed to be just begun, and when the years, seemed so bright before her.

Then by a strange and terrible fate, death came to her. And when my heart's dearest died, the light went from my life forever. So when did he didn't write about her in his book, but when did he write this? I think that was sort of in a, it was like a diary entry they found. A napkin. Yeah, and that's like really lovely. Oh man, put that in the book. He's obviously just ruined.

Yeah. He's just dealt with it in a, in a heartbreaking way. Yeah. It just sounds like he probably hasn't really dealt with it. go to therapy men. Yeah. And, yeah, different time. What, do you mean all men?

I'm saying any future presidents listening. Are you here for big therapy? Yeah. You've been pushing this pretty hard, mate. I forgot this was a big Scientology podcast. This is brought to you by big Scientology. It's Scientology anti-therapy? Yeah.

Oh. Don't be coy now. I know you've been talking to Tom. We're talking to Tom. We did an episode on Scientology while ago. I don't remember that coming out. But I also don't remember much about it at all. I think I did it.

I don't remember it. Good app. Yeah, no, it was a good one. He, he, he, Teddy couldn't even bear to mention his wife's name. Hang on. Teddy bear. Yeah. I just wanted you to pause because my soul was, yeah.

Hang on! I'd done that one. Shut up. I'd done that one already. You got a real bear in your bonnet, don't you? Obviously, his daughter Alice shares a name with her mother, so he wouldn't say his daughter's name. Is it? Holder, is this real? Yep, he called her baby Lee instead of by her first name,

and this actually continued her whole life. She was more often than not, she preferred to be called either Mrs. Lee, but not Alice. That's not cool. She got called baby Lee, like most of her youth. I'm expecting that's going to affect her in some way. I guess so.

For this report, I'll call her Alice, because I'm not going to talk about her mother again. It's already been confusing. Because you're too upset. I'm very upset by the death of sunshine. They do that a lot, In the olden days just go by middle names and other names. Yeah, I guess so.

But also, something you don't hear of as much. Like, I mean, Teddy's like the, he's a junior. You hear of, like, boys being named after their fathers, but less and less about girls being named after their mothers. I think that's kind of nice. Anyway, so Teddy's a bit of a mess after the death of his wife, and he retreated from his life in New York and spent two years living on his ranch in North Dakota

and left his infant daughter in the care of his sister, Anna, known as Bami or Bai. Again, they had like... Bamii. I explained both of them here. Baby and Bamey. Her Wikipedia page explains the nicknames. I actually, I like the reasoning behind one of them.

Her childhood nickname was Bami, a derivative of Bambina. It's probably Barmy maybe. Bami, Bami, Bami, which is just Italian for baby girl. But as an adult, her family began calling her by because of her tremendous on-the-go energy. Because they'd be like, hi, Bami, bye, Bami. So they just called her by, because she's always on the go. I thought that's pretty funny. I mean, it'd be sad when sometimes you are arriving and they're like, bye.

You're like, I do you want to stay this time, but, oh, no, I like set aside the whole day. Okay, bye. Thank you. Thank you, though. Oh, no, I'm happy to. I see, lunch has been prepared. I could stay for the, okay. Bye, baby.

All right. Bye, baby. Bye, baby. So, baby Alice is left in the care of her aunt who took a watchful eye over her niece, moving her into her book-filled Manhattan House. Bami had a significant influence on young Alice, who would later speak. speak of her very affectionately. She said, if Auntie By had been a man, she would have been president.

Oh, shit. She's a really, really intelligent, very, very cool lady. And she comes up a little bit throughout it as well. So after Teddy spent a couple of years on the ranch. What do you think he's doing on this ranch? Just thinking, feeling, ranching. Did he invent ranch dressing? Yes.

Yeah, right. Which is very popular over there, isn't it? Is that what this report's about? This is about ranch dressing. he did every morning. He dressed the ranch, dressed for the ranch. Yeah.

That's nice. You've got to dress for the ranch. Yeah. You want. That's, it's... What's wrong with that? But it's, I think it's great. You know how you feel bad sometimes?

Like, I felt a bit bad when you said, if she was a man, she would have been present. I'm like, oh, it's so great those days behind us. Yeah. As the resident feminist on the podcast. Yeah, now we have women presidents all the time. All the time. Constantly.

It's actually getting... It's getting a bit boring. I think we've overcorrected. Yeah. Let's get the men back in. Okay. They're not as emotional. Because anger's not an emotion.

So, Teddy comes back to real life and he remarries. He marries a woman named Edith Kermit Caro. Oh, cool name. Wow. Incredible name. Kermit. They get married in 1886 and then Alice goes back to live with her father and her stepmother. I think she's only like two, two or three.

It's interesting that names that get... so popular like that, it just kills it as a name. Adolf, Kermit, Barbie, you just don't hear those names anymore, but they were just normal names at the time. No, Barbie was in a movie. Quite recently. Oh, right, okay, Barbie's still around, bad example. Yeah, but. Any other names? Ken? Oppenheimer, you don't hear that one too often. You don't hear that that much. Nerve hues, I reckon maybe might have been the final Merv.

Yeah, he doesn't mean many Mervins. He's two. He is Mervin. He is Merv. Well, what do you think of this, though? Because through this marriage, Alice had five half siblings. So we have Theodore the third, Kermit, Ethel, Archie and Quentin. And thus Archie Comics was born. And thus Archie Comics born. And Kermit the Frog. The Roselts are a very, very influential family.

One of my favourite songs from last year was called Ethel, maybe, and that one. Wow. Yeah. You think it wasn't named after her? Yeah. Ethel Roosevelt. Yeah, could have been. Could have been.

Prove that it wasn't. Yeah. I can't. I didn't listen to the lyrics. I'll come back and do a Patreon episode about Ethel, the song. Thank you. Unfortunately, the relationship between Alice and her stepmother was a bit of a tense one. Edith had known Alice's mother and made it clear that she regarded her predecessor as a beautiful but insipid childlike fool.

Oh, sunshine. Edith once angrily told her that if Alice Hathaway Lee had lived, she would have bored Theodore to death. Oh. But he was like obsessed with her. So happy to start a family with her. He loved her. I find it so interesting. Like, it's such a wild thing to say about a woman whose nickname was Sunshine,

but he's also dead and he's not a threat to your marriage. This is the stepmother being mean to the previous mother. This has got a real Disney cartoon. Yeah, it does a bit. The evil stepmother. Is Alice having to scrub the floors? Yeah. No, I mean, they're incredibly wealthy.

So Alice is fine. I'm pretty sure the queens in the Disney movies were pretty well off as well. Oh, shit, good point. Yeah, and the evil stepmothers and stuff. Yeah. They had money. Yeah. Heart in the box.

Heart in the box. So I guess is what the Nirvana song was about. Oh, yeah. What's that? Anyway, I don't have time to go off on a tangent about. Navanas. Snow white was meant to be killed by the stepmother, got the woodsman to do it, but he faked her heart as a like an ox heart. Yeah, that's right.

I think, I mean, I'm going off the Sean McCarley. version of it, which I listened to recently. What if we do a retelling about the family of oxes? That was ruined as a result of this. That's good. That is good. Yeah, I love that. Write that down.

Okay. And also, how about Snow White's stepmom not been out of the difference between a huge beast's heart? Yeah. An ox would be quite a lot bigger. Yeah. An ox would be quite a lot bigger. That probably wasn't an ox in fairness to her.

A sheep or something. Baby ox. Could have been baby ox. Baby ox. Just the right size. What kind of animals get around? in fertile forests. Deer.

Deer. It was probably a deer. Probably a deer. I think it might have been a deer. Anyway, so there was obviously continuing tension with her stepmother and prolonged separation and limited attention from her father. And this kind of created a young woman who was independent, outgoing and very self-confident. A Matilda type.

A Matilda type. She's just like, well, fuck you. And I think, like, she was definitely influenced by her aunt as well, who was this very, like, I think her aunt did get married, but at like 40. You know, like she just kind of lived this great life was a lifelong counsel to Theodore. Like every decision he made, he went to his sister to talk it out and stuff. Like, very intelligent woman, very independent. I hope someone let her know that the clock is ticking.

It's actually a few of these people in this story. I did notice that they were having kids quite late, like into late 30s and in their 40s. You can do that if you're rich. Yeah. Yeah. And I was sort of like, that's interesting that it's sort of. felt like back then, I don't know, even my grandparents had kids really young and stuff. If you're wealthy enough, if you can pay off the sperm, they get lazier as they get older,

but if you just pay them off, they'll keep swimming pretty fast. Okay. Yeah, wow, that's really interesting. I guess I didn't know that because I'm middle class. Yeah, and you get free-range eggs as well, you know, so that will help. If you can upgrade from caged eggs, the mom, if they get them free-range. Grain-fred. eggs, you know, maybe $1,500 per hectare.

Yeah. Something like that, you're going to have a much better chance. They got more space to roam. Yeah. Yeah, gotcha. That's nice. So as Alice later became more independent and came into conflict with their father and stepmother, Aunt Byr provided needed structure and stability.

Later in life, she said of her aunt, there's always someone in every family who keeps it together. In ours, it was Auntie By. So, Auntie By is a really important character and a really important person in this family. I like her, but I don't, the name doesn't work. Auntie by. Buy. It doesn't, it's, I don't know why, but it's not working as a name.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask her to change it. What do you want to refer to her as through the report? Can we call her like, can we convert it into a name that sounds like an. Who name's Anna? Do you want to just call her Anna? No. Okay. Yeah, Anna sounds good.

All right, we'll call her Anna, if I remember. But if you can, uh, let me know that she's the one who's auntie by. Yeah, yeah. She can let me know it. Because otherwise I'll find it very confusing. Just like when people mention X formerly known as Twitter, all the time. Yeah, which is really cool and like rolls off the tongue. Yeah.

In 1898, when her father, Theodore, was elected to governor of New York, he and his wife Edith suggested that perhaps Alice should be sent to a conservative school for girls in New York City. In response, Alice wrote, if you send me, I will humiliate you. I will do something that will shame you. I tell you, I will. They did not send her to that school. That is amazing. That's cool.

She absolutely rules. She knows exactly where the power lies and her power is. She's like, you send me that at school. She's shaming the family name. I'm going to humiliate the fuck out of me. Go for it. Send me. But I'll make it hell.

And so they're like, no, you don't have to go to that school. How old Dallas at the moment? That was 1898 and she was born in, I don't remember. She's like teen maybe. Just to put into context, we're now into the VFL era. That's started in 1890. Yeah, great. Okay, because I'm sort of concocting like an award-winning Broadway musical

in my head throughout this report, so I just sort of plotting out the thing. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, no, yeah. Ask any questions. Can't guarantee I'll answer them. So, yeah, they didn't send her to the school. I think she went and stayed with her aunt for a bit. That's sort of what they did every time she got a bit much for them.

They just sent her off to stay with her aunt for a while and she kind of straightened her out a little bit or rained her in. Okay, a bit much, big musical number, probably about 30 minutes into the show. Perfect. Yeah, love that. So, like I mentioned at the very beginning, Teddy was the vice president to William McKinley, starting that job in like 1901, early 1901. And William McKinley visited and made a speech at the Pan American Exposition in Buffalo in the Temple of Music. It was this big large auditorium. There was this big sort of world fair going on. And there was going to be this big public reception. And his personal security, George B. Cautilu, was very concerned for the president's safety. And he tried twice to remove this sort of public appearance from the program. He's like, I don't think this is a good idea. McKinley, every time, just kept putting it back on the schedule. He was like, I want to support the fair.

He enjoyed meeting people. He wasn't afraid of potential assassins. He should have watched the Stephen Sunheim musical Assassins, and he would have seen this coming. And when did that musical come out? I don't know, the 80s. Yeah, okay, so it's a bit. 1880s?

Because that would have been great. Yeah, that would have been convenient for him. When Coralew asked McKinley a final time to remove the event from the schedule, the president responded, why should I? No one would wish to hurt me. Do you see where I'm going with this? Unable to persuade the president to alter his schedule, Cordleyu telegraphed the authorities in Buffalo,

asking them to arrange for extra security. So it comes around to this gathering at the Temple of Music and a man in the crowd named Leon. Chogos concealed his gun in a handkerchief, and when he reached the head of the line, shot McKinley twice in the abdomen at close range. I thought this was a report was about Alice. I was waiting for Alice to come through and save the day.

I'm weaving stories. That's good. You've done very well. No middle name? That's weird for an assassin. Leon, but his name is C-Z-Z-Z-O-L-G-O-S-Z. Cho goes, I think. McKinley was taken to the exposition aid station where a doctor was unable to locate the second bullet.

And funnily enough, a primitive X-ray machine was being exhibited at this World Fair. Oh, that's cool. But it was not used. No. He was taken to the home of a guy named John Milburn. He was the president of the expedition company. And in the days after the shooting, McKinley appeared to improve and doctors issued increasingly optimistic bulletins. member of the cabinet who had rushed to Buffalo on hearing the news, they dispersed.

They're like, oh, he's fine. Vice President Roosevelt, he was like, cool, I'll go on my camping trip as planned. And then on the morning of September 13, McKinley's condition deteriorated. Specialists were summoned. Although at first, some doctors hoped that McKinley might survive with a weakened heart. By afternoon, they knew the case was hopeless. Unknown to the doctors at the time, gangrene was growing on the walls of McKinley's stomach and slowly poisoning his blood.

Oh, no. It feels like an awful, like, slow death. So, yeah, unfortunately, he did die on September 14 at like 2 in the morning, and Theodore Roosevelt rushed back to Buffalo and took the oath of office as president. Did he still enjoy his camping trip? Well, it was cut short, which sucks. It was only a couple of days. That's rough.

Do you become president and head back to camp? Yeah, he was like, am I good to... Now I'm president. I've done the oath. I'm on holidays. Can I get that all? So, yeah, I've talked very briefly about a completely different person, but I just think it's interesting in the context of what's going on.

So very suddenly, after only about six, Six months in the vice presidency, Teddy Roosevelt is now president of the United States. It's amazing how many presidents have been murdered in America. Yeah, there's a lot of them, isn't it? Stephen Sondheim should do a musical about it. Okay. Now we're talking. So, yeah, Teddy's president and his 17-year-old daughter Alice is suddenly thrust into the spotlight as well.

She became a celebrity and fashion icon at the age of 17. And at her social debut in 1902, she wore a gown of what became known as Alice Blue. She had a colour that was associated with her, sparking a colour trend in women's clothing, and a popular song, Alice Blue Gown. I never heard of. No.

She'll be that popular. Who's gown? Like, gown was a person that she blew. A bit of fun. Bit of fun. Bit of fun. About a legendary woman, I assume. According to Britannica,

headstrong and rebellious and with a pronounced taste for the Society of Aristocrats and the Guilded aged wealthy, she was a favourite topic for the press, which slavishly recorded the comings and goings and her defiance of conventions. So the press just loved her. She was fun to talk about because she didn't just go with what was expected. I'm trying to get a sense of her personality.

Like, is she, you know, is she rebellious? Does she do what she wants to do? Or is she someone who, you know, is she fit in this mould? She is known for her really biting sense of humor. She calls it like it is. And it seems a lot like she gives zero fucks. Yeah, right. Like Joan Rivers type.

Yeah, kind of, yeah. Jess, do you remember the Lake George Monster episode? Yeah, very well. Because in that, we talked about one of the characters who was involved had this sort of blog, not a blog. It was like a newspaper article column, and he was called the, I forget what it is called, but he got sued by Roosevelt because of what he wrote about her. I'm like, that was Alice.

We're spoken about Alice before. Saunterings is what it was called, and he was called The Saunterer. Oh, yeah. And he said, when she was 20, he'd written a thing saying, accusing her of wearing costly lingerie, indulging in fancy dresses for the edification of men, and indulging freely in stimulants. And, yeah. There you go, the shared do go on universe.

Yeah. And that's probably where some people then thought to suggest her as a topic. Maybe, yeah, right. So from all that's interesting, they wrote, she both ignored and was irritated by the media's attention and her cool attitude only caused much of the public to fall in love with her more. She's become one of the most regarded women in the world,

the Tribune wrote, of the now 17-year-old. So she's a teenager. still. It's a lot of pressure. And they just love her. She was consequently nicknamed Princess Alice and began making headlines left and right. Every time she was spotted out with a man, people speculated she'd marry him. And whether in the world of dating or otherwise, all her fearless and audacious exploits were

eagerly documented by the media. Imagine that, like knowing that every time you were seen in public with a male that the rumors would start, like you're... Like Taylor Swift. You go out and you get the mail from the postman. And like, ooh. Wedding bells? Yeah. I'm thinking a big maybe showstopper before the interval for this one,

which is like really becoming a star. Yeah, okay, great. Is the postman involved? There's no postman. Okay. Only post women. Oh, that's great. That's beautiful.

The papers were there when she became the first woman to drive the 45 miles in a car from Newport to Boston. They saw her as she raced said car up and down the streets of Washington, smoked publicly and often on the roof of the wall. White House. She chewed gum. She played poker. She wore pants.

Holy shit. She partied all night with the Vanderbilt and slept till noon. So she just like, she just. She was an early riser. She just lived a good, a good life. Yeah, right. And just the end. And yeah, that's it.

Yeah, it's just so interesting. She was known to keep these three things with her in her purse at all times. Oh, can we guess? Yes. Lipstick? No. You said gum. She probably could probably pack a gum.

A magnumous. A gun. Not the cond. You guys. I was going to say dingers. Head out of the gutter. Yeah, maybe just normal sized dingers. You're saying gun?

Yeah, like a little gun like an assassin. You're on the right kind of path. Bow and arrow. Not a bow and arrow. A little slingshot like Bart Simpson. A little, not a slingshot. She's not a bit. Knife.

Oh, a little dart. Another word for it. A dagger. A dagger. A dagger is one of them. Really? Yeah. Oh, are they all like Cludeau weapons?

No. A candlestick. Do we say cigarettes? You'll never get the rest. Oh, come. on. All right, keep guessing then. A little, perhaps...

Libraflur tampons? Libraflot tampons. No. So she got a dagger. So you want to clean up after herself as well. Maybe some tissues. No. Clean up after us.

I'd have you stab someone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Clean up. What kind of mess is you making? All right, Jess. Okay, all right, Jess.

A copy of the Constitution. Oh, like a little one. And her pet snake, whose name was Emily Spinich. Do you say this was in a purse? In her purse? Must be in a big purse. Or a small snake. Emily Spinich.

Emily Spinich was the name of the... Does Emily Spinich get a song in the musical? Well, it's your musical. You tell us, mate. I reckon that it'll be puppet. I agree, yes. Yeah, come out of the purse and Emily Spinich. It's just a spotlight on the snake while it sings.

Yeah. A lot of S is in the song for comic effect. That's good stuff. And it names Spinich. So that'll be fun with a bit of a list too, yeah. So yeah, she always had a dagger, Constitution, and her snake. Constitution I picture to be big I think you can get small ones

Pocket Constitution Yeah like small Small font Not all of us need fucking size 25 mate Okay Well some of us do though And I think it's rude

That you shove that in my face It's rude that she should carry Something that she can read Honestly ironically that is how I have to read Uh having things shoved in my face I can't see that Pretty closer Well she might have been a bit annoyed by their

media attention. She also kind of thrived in it. A trait she says she got from her father. She later said of her own father. He wants to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral and the baby at every christing. Oh man, he's got some, some dreams that are pretty, going to be pretty hard to achieve. He can definitely be a corpse at a funeral. Yes. I think that's his most achievable one. And bride at a wedding. Bride at a wedding. Right as possible. Very possible. He's that guy. Baby, mad, come. Put on a nappy and dunk me in some warm. And don't know. I'm the baby at the christening.

Okay, no, you're right. He could do all those. You know, like, baby is really a state of mind. Or, like, you know, a lot of couples might call each other baby. Yeah. You'd be somebody's baby. Well, you have the aura of a big baby. Oara?

I am a big baby. I just like the idea of Teddy at these events, just nudging the person next to him in the audience. I'll get it done that. I'd be better corpse than that person. Yeah, these guys absolutely, he's boning this in. I did a really good job. So, yeah, she was also known for breaking social norms of the time, as we've already kind of touched on. She was against marriage, apparently.

She distrusted men. She was headstrong, and she regarded herself as a solitary woman in her own right. And her strong personality and the then shocking single woman lifestyle became great fodder for gossip and high society magazines. Just the fact that she was happily single, they were like, oh, scandalous. Teddy himself was somewhat ashamed of his daughter's behavior, and the two were at consternation. odds with each other about the trajectory of her life, as she had quickly become the antithesis of what a young woman of her time was supposed to be. But the press loved her, as did the general public. The New York Herald printed a running score of her social life over the course of one

15-month period, which included 407 dinners, 350 balls, 300 parties, 680 T's, like, I guess like a tea party. I hope they didn't have any extra explanation. The balls was just she went to a ball pit one time. And they counted. That's 125% of course right there. And 1,700 social calls. So she's,

like the time? 15 months. Yeah, right. So she's making multiple social calls a day. There's got to be some double up with these dinners and balls. I think the dinners are unfair. Yeah. Everyone's got to eat.

Yeah. So what's the difference between just like having dinner at home versus going out? We don't know. It could have been TV. Yeah, exactly. I mean, microwave. Then that's probably not enough dinners, is it? Yeah.

It's concerned. They're actually concerned about her well-being. Is that too many dinners? I don't know. This is one of my favorite stories about her, though, and probably one of the reasons that people suggest her is this story. Once, a White House visitor commented on Alice's frequent interruptions of the president's office, often to offer political advice.

She would just burst into her dad's office all the time. The exhausted president commented to his friend, author Owen Wister, after she interrupted their conversation for the third time, and he threatened to throw her out a window. Whoa. He said, I can either run the country or I can attend to Alice, but I cannot possibly do both. Okay, I'm scrapping the musical.

It's now a sitcom. Okay, it's what it is. It's going to be a fun sitcom. She's Kramer bursting into the president's office, and her dad's like, I can't. And the audience's like, woo. I can't run the country and answer Alice's questions, okay? I can't do both.

I think that's so funny. just like the blatant disrespect for the role of the president to just like burst in and be like, hey, dad! Where's the big red button that shushes my daughter? I think it's so funny. In 1905 at about 21 years old, she led an American delegation on a tour of Japan, Hawaii, China, the Philippines, and Korea. The tour consisted of the then Secretary of War, William Howard Taft.

Taft. 23 congressmen, seven senators, some diplomats and officials. After returning to Washington, from her travels, Alice became engaged to Nicholas Longworth the third, a Republican member of the House of Representatives. The two had known each other for a long time, moving in the same social circles for years, but their romantic relationship blossomed on the tour, and he too was from a very prominent and wealthy family from Ohio.

He was 14 years her senior and had previously had a reputation as a bit of a playboy. Longworth. Does he live up to the name? Their wedding took place in February of 1906 and was the social event of the season. It was attended by more than a thousand guests, with many thousands gathered outside, hoping for a glimpse of the bride. She was like royalty. Another great anecdote about her is that when cutting the wedding cake, the knife wasn't quite doing the job, so she grabbed a sword and cut the cake with that. She had a dagger rot in her bag.

And she wore a blue dress too, which is kind of fun. Was it Alice blue? Alice Blue, I would assume, yeah. I bet you did later that night. But the idea of... The idea of... Alice Blue Longwood. The idea of people just dying to get a glimpse of a bride.

It's so funny. Like, just, like, literally just the flash of the... I saw it. I think I saw the bride. There was less on back in the day. You know, that would be the highlight of your life. Whereas now I'd be like, there's Netflix at home. Yeah, exactly.

Would it have been a faux par then that day to wear blue? Yeah, but how do you know? One of the thousand guests that attends the wedding and turns up in Alice Blue. You're thinking it's a beautiful tribute. She'll probably wear white. She'll be thrilled to see me in Alice Blue. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm wearing the exact same dress. I knew I should have gone to that wedding dress shop. Oh, and then died it's blue. And this is all Teddy saying this. Because he wants to be the one on stage. He's like, oh, this is, oh, how embarrassing. Yeah, he wants to be the bride at every wedding. This is his chance.

So they had a bit of a party lifestyle. I mean, he was a Washington playboy. And their lifestyle, their party lifestyle continued for quite a while once they were married. And Alice didn't really take the then traditional submissive role of a wife. In fact, they often stood on opposite sides in political campaigns. Oh, gosh. William Taft won the presidency in 1909.

and Teddy Roosevelt sought to be re-elected in the 1912 election, and Alice publicly supported her father's presidency campaign, while her husband stayed loyal to his mentor, President William Taft, and was running for re-election on the Republican ticket as well. So Nicholas Longworth, he narrowly lost his seat that year to a Democratic challenger. And this is from Wikipedia as well. It says, during the election cycle, Alice appeared on stage with her father's vice presidential candidate

Hiram Johnson in Longworth's own district. Longworth lost by about 105 votes and she joked that she was worth at least 100, kind of saying that she was the reason he lost. Yeah, that's wild. However, Nicholas Longworth was elected again in 1914

and stayed in the house for the rest of his life. Alice's campaign against her husband caused a permanent chill in their marriage. So that's what I mean like she kind of calls it like it is. She doesn't stay loyal to people just for the sake of it. She sides with who she actually agrees with politically. It's very interesting and like, kind of like, it's tricky and risky. During their marriage as well, Alice had numerous affairs. It was general knowledge in D.C. that she had a long

ongoing affair with Senator William Bora, and it's commonly believed that Alice's only child, a daughter named Paulina, born in 1925, was the child of Bora. Also from Wiki, it says Alice was renowned for her brilliantly malicious humor. And even in this sense, situation since she had originally wanted to name her daughter Deborah as in Dibora. That's a great start for your child, isn't it? Being named as a sort of a dark joke. Their dad, I guess. Was that he was he her dad?

I guess so. Yeah. DeBora. DeBora. Yeah, probably the right decision not to go with that. Yeah. Go Paulina. That's nice.

So with her father no longer Paul's a beautiful name for a boy And it's like, how could you make it even more beautiful? Pauline. I don't think Paulina is such a beautiful name. I have an aunt. I think Paul is such a handsome name. I have an aunt Pauline who we just call Paul.

Really? So my entire life, I've thought of Paul as a very gender neutral name. My best friend's name is Paul. My dad's name is Paul. He's a boy. Okay. My dad's name is Paul. But yeah, to me, it is he dated.

I did a Paula for a while, which is... Oh, Paula. Oh, you can't do that. No, well, my Uncle Michael married a Michelle. I think Michelle, because it's a different sound that softens a lip, but it is a bit weird. It's a bit too similar, isn't it? Paul and Paula would never have worked. No.

What would I think of? But I remember being in, like, the first year of primary school and talking about my Auntie Paul and my teacher being very confused. I think the rule is if you're being intimate with someone that has a similar name to you and you were to say it out loud in the boudoir, would it sound like you were talking about yourself. Yeah. And like,

that's hot. There could be a male, a male Jess. Yeah. It would never work. Mm. Anyway. Matina.

Ooh. Oh, I don't mind it. Tina. Tina. Well, that's taking a lot of the similar part of way. Isn't that the idea? Do you want to yell Matina at climax? Matilda.

You've mentioned a couple of roll doll stories today. Are you in your Dahl era? Yeah. I love Dahl. I grew up. Matilda was my, I had it on video. It was my sick day video. Love Matilda.

Have you watched the new one? I didn't care for the, I love the musical. I didn't care for the Netflix adaptation of it. Right. They brought out a lot of the, um, the magic. Oh, like literal magic? Both the literal magic and just like the magic of the musical was lost. Like, for example, the song, um, when I grow up, Miss Honey is supposed to sing it in the

musical and it has a, whole other level to it. And in the movie adaptation, they dropped it and it was lost. This is disappointing. There's my sincere answer. Thank you for your sincere answer. Now, drop the sincerity from here. Thanks. Back to fun, if that's not too much to ask. Bloody out. So with her father no longer the president, another fun anecdote that gets shared about her a fair bit is that when the Roosevelt's moved out of the White House, Alice buried a voodoo doll of the new First Lady, Nelly Taft, in the front yard.

Yeah, right. Man, I love the name Taft. Speaking of First Lady, we've dropped the stepmom from this story. What's she doing? Yeah, she's still around. She's still being Megan and stuff? No, not really. Well, it's funny because later in her life, and I think I talk about it a bit later,

but she, Alice talks quite fondly of her stepmother later in life. So I think maybe they kind of started to get along or just, you know, in a bit of hindsight. But Alice was... Great resolution for Act 3. Yeah, it's not too bad. But, yeah, so yes, Edith, I think is still the first lady. Did she, I didn't... Yeah, I don't think she died at any age.

Anyway, but she's still alive. I just thought it was funny that she had a... That was Kermit, right? Kermit, yeah. She had a voodoo doll of William Taft's wife and buried at the front yard. That's pretty funny. And what is the hope, because the voodoo doll, what you do to it happens to them. So her bearing it is...

She having she buried? Yeah, I don't know. Is that the idea? Well, this is believed to be why Alice was banned. from the White House the first time. The second time she was banned from the White House was when the next president, after Taft, Woodrow Wilson, took over the residents.

This time she was banned for consistently making jokes at the president's expense. She just kept making, like, inappropriate comments about him. They're like, just ban her, would you? I just think it's so funny. Twice. She was banned from the White House. Do you have any idea of the cons of things she was saying?

In one, it was like she was making jokes at his expense, and others it was like she was making bawdy jokes, like they were a bit inappropriate. You got wood, you got Willie. Exactly. Like, you know, put two and two together. But no, I don't have verbatim what she was saying. So, in her sort of later life, Alice's husband, Nicholas, died unexpectedly from pneumonia in April of 1931. Longworth. Longworth, yeah, he died.

And, well, her, Alice's daughter was only born in 25. So he died a few years later and Alice never remarried. This was also during the Great Depression when she, like many other Americans, found her fortunes reversed. And she appeared in tobacco ads to earn some money. And she also published an autobiography called Crowded Hours. It sold really well, received rave reviews. Time praised its insouciant vitality. Insucient.

My favorite kind of vitality. How good is that? Insucient. No one has that anymore. I agree. I had to look it up. Yeah, well, for anybody else who didn't know what that means. It's like a casual lack of concern.

Yeah, that's right. Insuciant. Oh, maybe you are sort of insusient. Yeah. I'm so insusient. You really lack concern. But in a very casual way. Oh, yeah.

It's very cool. It's interesting because it really does seem, like we were saying before, the relationship between Alice and her stepmother wasn't a pleasant one, but later in life Alice wrote quite fondly of her stepmother, even expressing admiration for her sense of humour and saying they had similar taste in books. In her autobiography crowded hours, Alice wrote of Edith Caro,

That I was a child of another marriage was a simple fact and made a situation that had to be coped with, and mother coped with a fairness and charm and intelligence which she has to a greater degree than almost anyone else I know. The ghost of Edith is watching her type of this, and she's like, oh wow, she called me. me mother. Yeah.

She called me mother. And then her ghost fades away into nothing because that was her unfinished business. Oh, that's nice. So yeah, it seems like in her lady years at least, Alice kind of, I don't know, was on good terms or understood. Chilled out. Yeah. Understood where that sort of tension would have come from from Edith's perspective. I still find it strange to be jealous of a dead spouse, but.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a her problem. Yeah. Her later life was no surprise, a busy and active one. Throughout her entire life, Teddy Roosevelt had turned to his sister, Bamey, sorry, no, Bami's all right. Bami's okay. All right, we'll keep Bami.

Actually, if you could change Bami to Barn Me, as we got to come up to sort of lunchtime. Yep, all right. So, Teddy had turned to his sister, Barn Me, for advice on basically everything, like I was saying before, summed up by Wikipedia. In fact, it was said by their niece Eleanor that Tia, so Teddy, made few important significant political decisions and even fewer personal decisions

without getting the input of his sister. She remained a trusted confidant for his entire career. As president, he would walk down to her residence at 18th and first in Washington so often that Bamey's house, Barnmey's house, was sometimes called the other White House. Yeah, right. As she became more infirm, T.R. turned more and more to his daughter Alice for advice and to act as a go-between in delicate political situations. So she actually became like quite an important person in her father's.

The women behind the men? Yeah. Is infirm what does that mean like losing a six-pack? Yeah. Right. She became more infirm. So she actually gained. She had an eight-pack and he was like, I can't deal with this.

That's really sick. That's like, I can't talk to you without looking at the eight-pack. It's too distracting. I'll just go ask Alice. Is she the one who, is Barnmey the one who was said would have been present? if she was man. Yeah. Yeah.

And it sounds like she kind of was president almost. And he's like going, wait, what should I do next? She was a very trusted advisor. I got a meeting with the Chinese guy. I think he's the president. I don't know. I don't know what they call him over there. Quick.

Can he need answers? It's just panicking nonstop. And luckily, Barn Maze just down the road on the second White House. And she was his older sister as well. So it's kind of, it's kind of cute. He's like, I have to go ask my big sister. I don't know. So, yeah.

So he, as. as Barnmey became older and sicker, he would turn to Alice instead. And throughout Alice's life, she was a very active member in political society. And she called it like it was. She wasn't afraid to oppose her own family. When Franklin D. Roosevelt ran for president in 1932, Alice publicly opposed his candidacy. Oh. Writing in the ladies' home journal in October of 32, she said of FDR, politically, his branch of the family and ours have always been in different camps.

and the same surname is about all we have in common. I'm a Republican and I'm going to vote for Hoover. If I were not a Republican, I would still vote for Mr. Hoover this time. So she's just, yeah, she doesn't give a shit that they happen to be distantly related. She's like, nah, fuck him. He was, isn't he seen as one of the greats, FDR? I don't know. I don't know enough about the presidents.

It's usually about like wartime presidents. They get more credit. Yeah. But could you see FDR in a musical? Yeah. He's in Annie. He's in Annie. There's a little joke there for the Annie heads out there. He hangs out with Daddy Warbuss.

For the Annie heads. Yeah. It's not in the same scene as the wet dog, but it's the same film. And I think that's a... Why do I smell wet dog? And Daddy Warbuck says that, right? Yeah. And is the dog FDR?

Your dog is FDR. Oh, that is rude. That is rude to say to a president. No, but... FDI sings tomorrow, I think, with Annie in that. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's probably weird.

I don't know. Is that weird? It does feel weird. Yeah. I don't know if any other presidents being a musicals. That are in a fictional musical. Yeah. As opposed to the real musicals.

Life. Oh, wait. Is Annie a real story? Is Annie? No, but you can break a song at any time, making life a musical. Oh, yes. Do you know about that? Well, yeah, I think it happened once in Sunnyvale, which is where a friend of mine, Buffy lives.

And a demon. arrived there one day and put a weird curse on the town where you would break in a song and if you did it too much, you would explode. And yeah, so that can happen, yeah. Wow. God, it makes you think. It does. Good help.

Anyway, so Alice remained very active in politics. She served on the National Board of Directors of America First, which is a committee dedicated to keeping the US neutral during World War II. How old is she at the moment? Oh, she's, we're getting up there now. Yeah, right. Sorry, I keep asking you a stick of questions. I just don't have the date there for that one.

Because, you know, if this wasn't Jess' edited version, she'd have all these answers. But she's chopped out all. Every question you're asking is about some bullshit that doesn't matter that she's edited out. So maybe just think more about the questions you're asking. Trying to get an image in my brain. I think she's getting fairly old. She was friendly with the Kennedys, Nixon and the Johnsons. later Alice Roosevelt Longworth stayed active in causes important to American women

calling Gloria Steinman one of my heroes and saying when asked her opinion of the sexual revolution that she'd always lived by the old adage of fill what's empty empty what's full and scratch where it itches bumper sticker worthy feel what's empty that is oh my goodness gracious in such sexy terms It's empty what's full.

Scratch where it isches. I've always lived by that. What does that mean? Okay, feel what's empty. Okay, we can sort of figure out that one. Yep. Empty what's full. Same, I think, balls.

Oh, okay. So you're just going to context of sex. Wait. No. I meant like bowling balls. No, like you throw a ball. Empty the ball when it's full. That's when it's time to say, good night, everybody.

This is full. This is full. And then after everyone exits, you go, oh, that feels good. And then you go, bring him back in. We're going to feel what's empty. And you know what? My arm is itchy. And I'm going to scratch it.

And I respect the hell out of that. So I mentioned her daughter, Paulina. She grew up. She married Alexander McCormick Sturm. And they had a daughter named Joanna in 1946. Sadly, Alexander died in. 1951 and Paulina herself died in 1957. Alice, who was 73 at the time, fought for and won the custody of her granddaughter whom she then raised. So in her 70s... And she never mentioned Joanna's name again.

So yeah, she, in her 70s then raised her very young granddaughter as well. Yeah, right. In contrast to Alice's relationship with her daughter, she doted on her granddaughter and the two were very, very close. But it sort of came at a rough time for Alice. The year before in 56, she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer and successfully underwent a mastectomy. And then in 1970, cancer was found in the other breast and she once again underwent a second mastectomy. And despite these health issues, like she's, she's in her 70s at this point, which back then was old. Still is. Still is. Still is. No, it's not. You're saying that as a 700-year-old. Yeah. Yeah. So I think I can say that. These 70-year-olds, they're babies.

Yeah, 10% of me. So despite the health issues, she did, she lived for another 10 years and Eight days after her 96th birthday, and after over a decade of health issues, she died in her home in February of 1980. She lived in 96. That is what they call a good innings. That's an amazing innings. What year? What year? 1980.

80. Well, yeah, we were beginning one of the worst decades of any sporting clubs history, I reckon. Do you think it's connected? I think so. It was a decade of morning. Out of respect. Out of respect, that's right. So, yeah, Alice is remembered as a trailblazer and a woman who didn't bend to social norms.

She had refused to ever meet Jimmy Carter. He was the last president in her lifetime. She just thought he lacked social grace. And upon her death, President Carter's official statement said, she had style, she had grace, and she... She was there. She had style, she had flames, she was there. That's how she became, Alice. She had a sense of humour that kept general.

of political newcomers to Washington, wondering which was worse, to be skewed by her wit or to be ignored by it? Jeez, that's classy from Jimmy Carter. Do you reckon? I thought he was a good guy, wasn't he? Isn't he one of the good guys? No, no, I'm saying it was classy. She ignored him.

She wouldn't even meet him and he still put out this nice message. Would you care that much that, like, a 90-year-old woman doesn't want to meet you? No, and he wouldn't have written. Like, all right, whatever. He almost probably definitely didn't write this thing either. But it's pretty funny to be like, yeah, she was just known for her, like, really sharp wit, and she just, she did, she dulled it out. Like, she would just, she loved to, like, poke and prod people.

I see a bit of myself in her, you dumb fuck. Oh, to be skilled by Matt Stewart. Oh, it's better than being ignored by it. Well, it's good that you are here, Jess. Anyway, we should have probably got a second guest in to replace Dave. Oh, you're ignoring myself. Got it. That took me way too long.

But I'm not known for my wit or intelligence. You're not a. What are my? What is you're not are you fuck stick? Anyway, one of her most quotable things, comments, she's most famous for,

it was, she stitched it into a little pillow. Teddy bear? Pillow. Oh, damn it. On her sofa. I thought I was going to be a TikTok.

She stitched this. She invented TikTok. Oh my God, it's so funny, but now you've ruined that! So she had this little throw pillar on a couch that said, if you can't say something good about someone, sit right here by me. She was just a bitch in the fun way.

And I think she's really funny. She was sassy, bold, had a pet snake, was very intelligent and outspoken, and just a really funny character. Yeah, what happened to Spinich? Oh, Emily Spinich must have died years ago. She's mentioned so briefly, Emily Spinich. This is what happens, you know, like women get overlooked in history, but then think about the snakes that are overlooked.

It's one step even lower. Than women. Oh, how embarrassing. When are snakes going to get their history? And I say, his history. Would you like to come back and do a report on the history of snakes? I would. You've got the Garden of Eden.

We start with that particular serpent who started it all. Nobody really looks on that serpent or that's favourably. It's true, but I think there's another story there. Yeah, there must be. So there you go. That's my report on Alice Roosevelt Longworth. And again, a thank you to Caitlin, Myra, English, and Derylian for suggesting that topic because it was a lot of fun to read about.

She seems like a pretty fun, badass lady. Thanks, Darylain. Daryl. That was fun. I enjoyed very much learning new things. Yeah. And it's interesting. It's not somebody you hear all that much about.

And, yeah. And I think that it's a good lesson to reach out to more of the 90-year-old women. in our lives and see if they want to pang it. Yeah, that's true. My grandma just turned 97. Really? Yeah. Whoa.

That's real old. And I missed her birthday party because I had COVID. Oh, no. So I'll catch her another time. Yeah, at 98th. Yeah, we'll see you next year. There's no other possible time I could go visit. So I'm very busy.

I'm reading a list of her quotes. There are great ones in there. IMDB lists three quotes and you've used them all. But I found another one, A to Z quotes. A lot of them, I also looked up quotes and a lot of them are repeats of the same quote. So see what you find. I like this. My speciality is detached malevolence.

That's good. I feel like that one feels like she's written that down. Waded for someone to ask her something. Wow, dear. Did she speak like that? Yeah, what was her accent? I would assume that, yeah. You didn't do her voice the whole time.

I didn't. She did have a couple of like. What does this mean? Okay. Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left. armpit. Yeah, I don't get what that one was either. It's confusing, isn't it?

I like this, and again, don't really understand. He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. Yeah, I mean, the left armpit seems like, you know, like, you know, it's like false hair, like you're not, you're trying to trick me. Right. And the weaned on a pickle one, you're very small. Yeah, you haven't been weaned on a, you're not a rich person who's able to have 486 dinners.

Right. I'm the only Tuplessucked a Nigerian in Washington. I didn't quite get that word out. I see what you're sort of doing like a headburn type. Yeah, I guess so. A fellow what's missing and empty what's full. Feel what's empty, empty what's full and scratch, we're at it just. She also, she just kind of seems like, you know, um, her, like sometimes you're in a conversation with like an old man and they say something a bit gross and you just kind of go like.

Yeah. It sounds like she never did that. I know. Sorry about him. I like this one again, Bob, but he's deaf too. I don't understand. I don't understand this, but it sounds like, people in Washington seem to be hypnotized by precedents as much as they were hens with their beaks on a chalk line.

So do you see now why I didn't include some of these? Did you say presidents? Well, that's the accent. That's it. That's how they talk. Yeah, that's how they talk. Yeah, that can't make a souffle rise twice. That's, that was hers?

That's a big one. Yeah, she said that about Washington Senator who was discovered to have been having an affair with a young woman less than half his age. And she said, you can't make a souffle rise twice. And I don't get it. Yeah, not a way. Well, a souffle can't rise twice. And I'm guessing that we're probably eating that.

I think it's about his boner because he's old. Maybe. She also, one time President Lyndon B. Johnson, like she said she was wearing this big wide-brimmed hat so he couldn't kiss her. And it just seems like people would sort of like make a little bit of a joke at her expense and she'd just sort of cut them straight back down. and I like that because... Lindenby Johnson.

Yeah, you know what he's like. Yeah, yeah. Johnson. Yeah. So there you go. That is my report. Well done. Thank you so much, Marcel.

I feel like people don't say that enough on this podcast. Hey, well done. Certainly not to me. Shut the fuck up, bad. Hey. Hey. Good effort. Aw.

Good on ya. No, I really found that fascinating. There's a lot in it. We learned a lot about, you know, American history from that period. I think it might actually be a two-part musical like the cursed child where you have to come back in the evening and see the rest of it. Oh, okay. I'd love if it was, you know, you'd have the FDR scenes is just after or just before he was

in Annie. Oh, that's good. Yeah. He goes, by the way, I got to go visit Mr. Walbux. Yeah, people love that little wink to like what else is going on. Yeah. I think that could be a really nice touch. That happened in that movie Maestro about, about the guy who wrote Westside story,

Leonard Bernstein. And he was, like, it's just like one line in the movie where it's like, anyway, Stephen Sondheim wants me to work on a thing with him. And just like, just say West side story. So you were saying you hated it. I didn't like my story. No, I didn't care much for it. Wow. Wow.

Wow. You know Bradley Cooper is one of our biggest listeners and benefactories. Really? That's cool. He's a building that makes benefacts. Benefacts. What's the word? Benefactors.

Hey, whatever. Who cares? Sorry, so much, AJ for the edit job on this one. Yeah, I assume that the episode was over. And this is just for AJ to enjoy. Are you hanging around for everyone's favorite section of the show? Do you have to P.O.? I should go back to the office.

Oh, here we go. Just outside that door. But I would like Broden Kelly privileges in the future to disbust in during a Patreon. Well, you don't have them. How will you know it's a Patreon section? I'm hoping that you'll send up some sort of your signal. You go, oh, we're feeling a bit flat in here. Marcel.

You're in the office and can come and do a bit of Patreon. Between you and me, Broden doesn't have those rights either. Yeah, nobody's given rights. They just take them. Yeah, yeah. So I guess, you know, we wouldn't turn you away. Yeah, that's so nice. Well, then before you go, we'll do a little plug thing.

Oh, yeah, we didn't do plugs. Let's do that. What do you want to plug? Hang on, hang on, hang on, yeah. What would a guy like you want to plug? Hey, do you have something empty that you want to plug? As Alice would say? That's pretty good.

Marcel, thank you for coming in and hanging out for this report. It means so much to me. You sound so sincere. Sitting half of your ass on the tiny tushes seat. My butt is numb. It's over an hour, you know, we'll have you sitting in a really uncomfortable position for ages. So we'll let you go. But Comedy Festival is coming up.

Comedy Festival's coming up. Adelaide Fringe is coming up. I don't know when this episode is dropping, but if you're listening to this... Oh, it is. Okay, great. Then come see me at the Adelaide Fringe or the Comedy Festival if you're in Adelaide or Melbourne. I'm doing a show called Let Me Eat Cake. And it's all about fighting for your right, for your treat, despite the world being on fire.

And it has a musical accompaniment the entire time. It's being underscored live by a pianist, which is pretty cool. That's fun. And if you like Make-M-Up, I'm doing a show. with my wife, which is completely improvised. It's called the newlyweds. Which I have a problem with. You have a problem with?

You've been married for ages. But you don't have a problem with the entertainment value. Oh, the show's fantastic. But it's interesting from what Jess said before, because she said she knows your wife quite well and your wife doesn't really love you. So that would be an interesting thing for people to go along and watch for that undertone. Well, what you have to remember is Marcel's wife, Eleanor is a very good actor. Oh, okay.

Eleanor Roosevelt. Eleanor Roosevelt. She's very well trained. So you almost believe watching it that she doesn't mind him. It's really quite powerful. It's one of her biggest acting roles. Yeah, and that's where a lot of the humor comes from. Because you're like, how ridiculous.

She's with him? Okay. Is someone going to tell him? Yeah. So look me up. I'm Marcel the comedian on Instagram. And you can also listen to my podcast, which is called the Comedy Writers Group, and check out that Instagram where I skewer much like Alice Roosevelt does.

I skew a comedy tracts. Tell us it like it is. Takes no prisoners. I empty holes and I fill them. Oh, okay. You want to leave on that? I believe that. I believe that's the quote.

Yeah. I don't know. Probably sounded better come out of Alice's mouth to be honest. But, okay, I guess. Yeah, we could leave that in if you want. I empty holes, I fill them, and I get it. What is going on here? Oh, my God.

Well, yeah, go see Marcel at the festivals, I guess. Yeah, probably take a chaperone. An umbrella, maybe? I don't know. I don't know what he's going to be doing on stage. We go check out their shows. Thank you, Marcel. Thanks for having me.

All right, Marcel has left the building. So now, Jess, we can talk about his performance there today. What about we start, not with his performance, but with his smell. Yes. Smell is too friendly a word for it. Stench. Stench. Yeah.

Odur. Oh, if the weather comes to mind, pungent. It is a big, oh, it's still wafting around the room. Get the fan going. Please. Now, we love Marcel. And honestly, can I say, I've been to a few newlywed shows now. Really?

Yeah, I love to go to them. Man improv is hard to watch. But he makes it look easy, is what you've said. Yeah, they do like a long form type improv. So they get a few suggestions at the start, and then they do like an hour-long play to the to those suggestions and it's very funny. They obviously, I mean, they are a married couple. They have great chemistry and it's very, very funny and I've gone a few times as has

my partner, Aden, and he says, it's last time we went, he said that was better than TV. Oh, that is good. Which is high praise. And it's funny because I'm like, I do find improv awkward to watch sometimes, but I also find stand up awkward to watch sometimes and pretty much everything else. It's just like anything. Good improv is good improv. The last improv I saw in Chicago was fantastic.

CJ Tour's show. Yeah. Hitch cocktails. A lot of fun. So you remember that. I remember that. But you don't remember my birthday. August 20.

C? 20? Is that what is that close? August 20, yes? 20. No, I'm saying August 20. Am I on the right track? Yeah.

And it's an odd number. It's either seven or five. No. Six or eight. Yeah. And you're older than day. Dave. No, Dave's younger than you. Yes, that's the same thing. August 28. No. Wait, hang on. Dave's 28. Oh, my God. I'm with the bigger number. Older. You know, like the bigger number. Oh, my God. I knew it and I still said it wrong. That's so fun. It's embarrassing. Go see newlyweds. Good times guaranteed.

Also come see us. We're doing live pods to go on on Saturdays or Sunday afternoons. Anyway, this brings us all up to everyone's favorite section of the show. I know a lot of you have just skipped ahead to this part. Welcome. You should go back and listen. Jess just told a really great story. I found it fascinating. I loved hearing about Taft.

Yeah. If Taft comes up, I'm in heaven. I'm having a good time. Yeah. Anyway, so we now just spend the next half hour or so. Thank you. I'm fantastic supporters. If it wasn't for them, this show.

would not exist. So we love spending a little bit of time at the end, just giving them a little moment. And I should say if people think they've had theirs missed, been getting some messages recently because I've started letting people know and people are like, oh, seeing as you asked, I have actually, I think I've been missed. And please do that. Everyone seems to feel very shy about it. Don't feel shy or embarrassed.

It is a mistake on our slash Patreon's end, not yours. I'd say the same for Who knew with Matt? sure which is Patreon's asked the questions on that if you feel like you haven't had a question asked in a while and you wish there was. Just send me a message. The best place is DM on the Patreon site. Anyway, this section, we thank our great supporters. If you want to become one of those, you can go to patreon.com slash do go on pod.

And yeah, there's a bunch of different rewards. Is that what you would call them? Yeah. And there are things like three, soon to be four bonus episodes a month. Yep. access to the nicest corner of the internet, which is our Facebook group. You get early access to tickets. You also get discounted tickets.

You get, what else is there? I'm thinking about doing an open day at Strybado Studios for patrons sometime this year, something that I've been quietly thinking about. I might just, you know, that's probably only if you can get to Melbourne. That's a fun idea. Yeah, maybe we'd, I'd get someone, maybe if Saraj is around. Yeah. One of our great supporters.

Maybe he could do a live stream on his phone as I walk around for the other patrons or something. I don't know why I'm throwing Saraj in it. Probably maybe Dave could do it. But anyway, because he's alive. Because he's alive and fine and can hold a phone. Yeah, why couldn't he do it? He could. Yeah.

For a second there, I made it seem like there was some physical reason. And there isn't. There isn't one. Just move on, man. Anyway, so yeah, there's a bunch of fun stuff. Patreon.com. such too, go on pod, but one of the things, if you're on the Sydney-Shaunberg level or above, you get to be involved in the fact-quoted question section, which has a jingle, goes something like this.

Fact quote or question, yeah. Always remembers the thing, she always remembers the n. Yeah. And if you want to get involved in this, you're on the Sydney-Shaunberg level or above. You get to give us a fact, a quote, or question, or a brag or a suggestion, or really whatever you like. Anything. It's exciting. Also get to give yourself a title.

I read them out for the first time when I read them out. The first one this week comes from Tim Murphy, aka regional sales manager of Xmas gifts to mothers. Wow. Would you believe this one was sent in before Christmas? Okay. And this one's labelled as a shout out and request. And it goes a little something like this.

Hello, crew. My Amazing Mother, Barbara from Philadelphia, is a huge fan of the podcast. Well, hello Barbara. Hello, Barbara. Holy moly. She has gotten our entire family, listening to this podcast and several other Australian comedy podcasts. Truly, she is your biggest fan.

Barbara. Barbara, stop it. Stop it. I'm blushing. I'm blushing. She is a patron, but we were, for whatever reason, unable to find her shout out. Oh, funnily enough, I can find that for you now. I figured the most logical thing to do was sign up for fact quota question and shout her out

myself. Also, a request. Can you give her a horse name? generated title style shoutout. That way, she will have two shoutouts as befitting her status of biggest fan. What do you think, Bob? Can you find Barbara from Philadelphia a shoutout? A horse name generated name?

Yeah. Let me see if I can find if we have missed. That's not my preferred horse name. Oh, there's more than one. Well, I mean, yeah, this is the one I like. All right. What do you got? Okay.

What about? But, rhythmic whiskey. Rhythmic whiskey. How good is that? That could be anything. Rhythmic whiskey. What a great name for a cover band. I was going to say, it sounds like a good band name.

Well, good cover band. Cover band name. Rhythmic whiskey. How good is that? That's really good. That might be even, is it possible that's too good? Oh, do you want me to dumb it down a bit? No, hang on.

I forgot. This is for Barbara. This is for Barbara. No such thing is too good for Barbara. Barbara Murphy from Pennsylvania. I've looked her up here. And I, geez, my system is interesting, but I'll have to figure out, I'm sure she should have been shouted out a while ago.

Right. So I'll have to carry the two, figure that out. But maybe that will be coming up on a future episode. If it hasn't happened already, thank you for that reminder, Tim Murphy. a fantastic A Christmas gift to mothers Only What's six, eight weeks late

Merry Christmas, Barbara anyway It's an early Christmas present The next one comes from A Mr Justin McCain Pleases to see again And Justin Has got the title of definitely the inventor of the fashion flip-flops

Oh wow Okay Well I guess we thank you Thank you, yes I'm wearing them right now now. But I call mine a thong and I'm wearing it on the butt. And this might be a first time. Justin McCain has given us a riddle. All right, here it is. A cowboy rides into town on Thursday, stays in town for three days, then rides out on Friday. How? Cowboy rides into town on Thursday,

stays in town for three days. I'm guessing the name of the horses Thursday? Yeah. That's a good one. For three days. And then the other horse's name is Friday. Yeah. That's good. Uh. And then he says,

Matt, read this part aloud, but recognize that this is the break while you let Jess and Dave roast me for being boring and submitting a riddle. How is that boring? I don't think we've ever had anybody submit a riddle. That's exciting and fun.

And especially because we got it. That makes us feel good. Well, let's see if we got it. But also, I'm terrible at riddle, so I'm really glad Matt got that quite quickly. Answer. The horse's name was Friday.

Well done. Woo! Oh yeah, so it doesn't matter the first horse. Because, yeah. It might have still been the same horse and his name was Friday. Because he rode in on a... Jesus, yeah. Thank you so much, Mr. Justin McCain.

One of our longest supporters in that, I mean, he's quite tall. The next one comes from a Lauren Joyner, aka, I don't know. This is too much pressure now. I'll stick with my last one. Jurassic Park historian. Great. I love to see the workings out. Thank you, Lauren.

And Lauren's asking a question writing, this is inspired by Matt's hashtag paddlegram on Instagram. I am also a big craft beer fan, so I must ask, what is your favorite beer? Style, brewery, whatever. I'm in the States and I've been lucky enough to visit a lot of great spots here. Plus live in beer dance areas. That's a tricky.

word. It is a tricky word. Until you know the context. It could be either. Could be either. Shrodinger's word. I'm in Arizona now and some of my local faves are Arizona Wilderness, Barrio Brewing and that Brewering, an honorable mention to the OGs, Four Peaks and Sand Tan.

Some other favorites include Great Divide in Denver, Golden Road in L.A., my hometown, yards in Philadelphia, stoop in Seattle, and my all-time favorite brewery, harpoon in Boston. She's requested you to do that in a Boston accent. Harpoon. Harpoon. Harpoon. That's built for it. Also, don't dismiss the big guys.

Cause in Golden, Colorado is really fun. And international, of course, has to be Guinness. I hope to visit Australia, Sunnich. Soonitch. So please give me some beer wrecks. Cheers. Wow. Great.

Well, I actually have to lean on you for my favourite beer because I don't remember what it is. You loved years ago. loved that passion fruit gosa. Yeah, it's the only beer I've ever liked. Big beacon in Brisbane. Yep. And I've tried other, like I've seen tropical or passion fruit goes.

Goza? Goza? Yeah. I've seen those before I've tried them. No. Right. That one was very. Apart from the do goes on.

Oh, you know, that was actually very, you know, that's true. That was very nice. Three different versions of that. I think that they had one of my favorite breweries, Bodrigi here in Melbourne in Collingwood. And yeah, one of the brewers, listens and is one of our great supporters. Yeah, and they've come and done like pop-up bars at some events for us.

They've been amazing. James, what a legend. Yeah. And he's, yeah, he's made us a few very small batch brews. Yeah. Each Christmas last three years called do goes on. So good. I think he should put it on tap, really.

If there's a demand for it. But yeah, Bodrigi, I think that'd be right up with my favour. I think my favorite kind of everyday beer in Melbourne is the Khadju Crush. It's like a tropical. pale. Oh, yep, yep. With some great artwork on the can, which I think probably got them going. But yeah, it's a really nice beer. That's the one if I'm buying a slab of beer. That's probably the one I go for. If not one of the bodriggies, they do a great mid or their IPA. It's like a NEPA.

I'm a bit of a basic bitch with beers. I love, I still love hazy beers. But the, yeah, the, what's it, Cosmic Microwave is a Bodriggy one. It's got a longer name that but um and then but i think my favorite other brewery in melbourne's deeds it's in glenora i've never been there actually but they do limited release ones multiple times a month i think two or three times a month maybe and especially their the double iPAs and ipAs and their um imperial stouts and stuff which i know uh it's funny i read a list of uh brewers uh overrated beers recently and And so many of the styles that they said, well, I'm like, and I love that kind. I love that kind.

So, like, for proper brewery people, I'm like a real basic bitch. But you know what? You know what else is basic? Avocado on toast. Hey, I am what I am. You know? Well, I like most of them. There's not many styles I don't like.

Basic just means widely popular. That's true. But yeah. I can't really get around wheat beers for some reason. And I don't really like red ales, but pretty much all other stuff. souls I like. I've understood every third word. I love to hear you talk about it because I'm not a beer drinker. I'm barely a drinker now. I drink way less than I used to as well. It's um, but yeah, that's I guess why I try and drink ones I like when I have them. Yeah, that makes sense.

But yeah, I've done, I'm doing the voiceover at the moment for season two of the beer pioneer. So hopefully people will be able to see that soon. Film that. That's over a year ago now, but Yeah, wow. It's looking really great. I can't remember if we put out the promo clip, but I'm like, wow, it looks amazing. I don't know if we have. We should do. Yeah.

Anyway, that should be, hopefully people will be able to see that soon. Don't know where it's going to land still, but that's not really my call. Not your problem. More important people than me working on that show. But thank you so much, Lauren. I don't know if you know this. Don't mind talking about beer. Don't know if you got that.

And next time, when our American tour happens, I'm going to have to refer back to those notes about some of your favorite breweries. Went to some really fun ones in Chicago as well. Couldn't tell you the names of them. There was a Mexican one that we went to, which I'm sure I talked about on a bonus episode called Matt Remembers. And boy diddy. Not anymore. But thank you, Lauren. The next one.

And the final one this week comes from Matthew Abad, aka Colonel Colonel. First Colonel spelled the C, second one was there. Oh, love that. It's like a corn kernel kernel. Yeah, that's fun. Or a chicken kernel, corn kernel. That's what I, if, I think the full name would be chicken kernel, corn kernel. Gotcha.

And Matthew is asking a question as well, writing, What is the silliest reason for which you've gone to the hospital? For me, I was about four years old and I shoved a popcorn kernel up my nose. After several inhales, the kernel became lodged in my sinus. I went to the hospital and they strapped me into a medical papoose. What a great word. Amazing word. Before extracting the kernel with forceps.

When it was finally out, the core temperature of my body had partially popped the kernel. From that point forward, some of my mum's friends called me the kernel. Salute. That rules. What a great story. That's a really fun story. I can't believe the body temperature was enough to sort of start to pop a popcorn. Yeah, that's amazing.

I, oh God, touch wood. I haven't been to the hospital much. Yeah, great. A few months ago, because I got hit by a car, not very silly. No, that was so silly. That was a bit silly. What do you have enough? I'm like, oh, CT scan, please.

A bit of fun. But I think the only other time I had to go to hospital was when I broke my nose as a four-year-old. And that was only silly because of the way I broke. my nose. I've probably talked about this at some point, but I was on a trampoline with a bunch of other kids and I wanted to get off, but I didn't want to interrupt anybody else's bouncing. So I thought, I'll just jump off. And I jumped off, but I landed head first. Ouch. And broke my nose. That's got to hurt. So I'd say that's a little silly. It's sillier than getting hit by a car and cracking a rib. Yeah, that was really out of your hands.

My rib still hurts. So we're quite confident now that it was cracked and not just bruised. Right. So that's fun. And will it, does it, are you car? You can't. It just takes longer to heal. Yeah, because you can't plasterum or anything, right? You can't do anything for a rib? You wouldn't have been able to do anything different? No. Maybe just rest harder.

Yeah, rest more. Yeah, right? Oh, man. Bit of fun. Yeah, that is fun. Hey, look after the cyclists out there. Yeah, if you don't mind, look out for cyclists. Yeah.

What about you? Have you gone to a hospital for anything silly? Probably, maybe the silliest was because it turned out I didn't need to go. When I was a kid, there was some work being done on our house. For some reason, there were a lot of planks of wood with the nails swim in the backyard in a pile. Oh, dear. And I was playing on the pile, just like walking up and over the pile and stuff with thongs on it. And I just stepped through a nail.

The nail went through my foot. And it was a rusty nail. Oh, God. So you worry about tetanus. Yeah. And so told my dad, he took. took me into the emergency room, waited for ages as you do in there. And then...

I got hit by a car. I thought that would trump a few things, but I still waited for seven hours. Yeah, what do you? Yeah, you need, if you need like a gash on your head probably. I should have said, they asked if I hit my head. I should have said, I don't know. Yeah. But unfortunately, I said, no, I know I didn't hit my head.

My helmet's intact, not a scratch on it. Oh, yeah, you were too honest. I was too honest. You could have jumped ahead of people who deserved it more than. I know. It's bullshit. Don't do that if you go to hospital. So I got to, I finally got in and then he's like, oh, what year are you in school or whatever? He's like, oh, you're a tetanus shop from whatever grade that we have to get.

It's still good. So, you know, we just wasted a few hours. That's probably the silliest reason. They could have asked that at the reception, maybe. Yeah, that would have been better. It would have been good. Then it would just would have been a quick patch you up type thing. Yeah, which I, you know, do yourself. Yep.

It was a pretty clean. I didn't take any bones or like big blood vessels or anything. So I was just a band-aid on the top and the bottom. But what, yeah, there was, oh, the other thing I'm sure I've talked about on here before is one time I was up in Brighton in the summer. I was walking down the street. I felt this bug sort of buzzing around my ear and then I'm like, I think it's gone in my ear. And of course, no one believe me. I'm like, I swear it's in that.

And then occasionally I could feel something sort of wriggling around. I'm like, it's in there. Oh. It's in there. And I don't think people believe me, but I went and ended up going to the local hospital. And I reckon that, you know, they didn't seem to, they're like, oh, sure. And then eventually like a, I can't remember exactly that when. I probably told it better on this show years ago after that happened.

But they were really making, it was hurting the way they were getting in the ear. And then a second doctor came in and he seemed to believe me more. and he used this thing and it sucked out and you saw it go down the tube. Whoa. Yeah, it was... Was it part of your brain, do you reckon? Yeah, I think it was.

Did he suck out part of your brain? He sucked off part of my brain. That makes sense now. It felt really good. A lot of you make sense now. I guess that was kind of silly. Yeah. Yeah, none of it's silly, silly, silly.

Yeah, painful, actually. The kernel, popping your own kernels. That's awesome. Thank you so much for those, Matthew Lauren, Justin and Tim. Another thing we like to do is thank you if you're other great Patreon supporters. Now, Jess, you normally come up with a game best on the topic of hand? That's true.

What game could we have for this one? Yeah, we could, uh, buy, that was the name by, like a name, a nickname that is pretty obscure from one thing they did once. Oh, you left that time earlier. That's why we call you by. Yeah, okay, yeah, we can do that. Obscure, obscure nickname. Should we go one for one?

Yeah. All right, I'll kick us off by thanking from. Griffith in New South Wales, Australia. Hannah Longeran. Door. Yeah, door, because that one time she knocked on the door and they're like, you can just come in. Just open it, idiot. This is your place.

Let's call it door. Or door. So, Hannah is door. Hannah Dor Longeran. That's good stuff. That's pretty good. Like, people that meet Hannah, like through mutual friends and stuff, go years without realizing that their first name is Hannah.

Yes. Is they like, wait, I thought your name was Doran. My sister-in-law was when she started dating my brother, like 20 years ago, called the landline at our house, and my dad answered. And then she, like, realized that she didn't actually know my brother's first name. And she had to hang up the phone because she just called him Perko, because that's what all of his friends called him. Yes.

And so then she said to call a friend, be like, what's Perko's first name? And they went, Michael, and then she had to call back again. She'd been dating this guy, didn't know his first name. That's so funny. Incredible stuff. Okay, my turn? Perko is catchy. It could be a first name.

What'd you say? My name Perkins. Perko Perkins. Bloody hell. What are the odds of that? Okay, I would love to thank from Finland. Isn't that exciting? From Turku in Finland.

Jusolein. Jusoleon. Apologies if we're saying that wrong. Juselain is so good. I'm going to say pot. Pot, like that. Because one time at a party, he came in, well, they came in the down the side gate. It wasn't very well lit.

And just before coming into the courtyard, tripped on a pot plant. Oh my God. Stumbled a bit. You recovered. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't hit the ground around. But everyone saw it. Hey, watch out, pot.

There we go. Pot. That's good stuff. That's pretty good. And that makes me think of a mistake I make in next week's episode with a triptych club member. I said, SE, that must be Switzerland. It was Sweden. So it's something to look out for next week.

Yeah. We've recorded next week's episode just before this a scheduling thing. Doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. It doesn't actually affect you unless you're, unless, of course, your name is Daniel Keelin. Little sizzle there for next week. It's exciting. Maybe you're going to get inducted into a certain club.

I think we're losing it. They're probably given a little bit away knowing that we've done two episodes back to back and are having coffees. Yeah. We're getting silly now. We're getting a bit loopy. I'd love to thank from St. John's, speaking of hospitals, in Canada. It's Joanne.

Joanne. Goanna. Goanna, Joanna, Goanna. But it's not even... I know, it's Joanne. Yeah. But see, one time there was this like, friend of a friend kind of joined this group at a party. And nobody in the group really liked this guy very much.

But they were all trying to be polite. You know, it was a friend of a friend. And he, you know, it was sort of a loud party. And Joanne said, hi, nice to meet you. I'm Joanne. And he went, Goanna. And Joanne said, no, Joanne. And that just sort of became a bit of a...

It's really a joke more at that guy's expense. But Joanne's friend group have called her Goanna ever since. Joanne has to take that around with her. Brutal stuff. I would love to thank from Bangor in New South Wales here in Australia. Emma Arnold. Emma Arnold, of course, has the nickname Screener. Screener.

Screener. Oh, I like that. Yeah, because she through work got an early... a DVD version of The Gladiator. Okay. A screener. Yes. And she was...

Like a screening type thing. Yeah, yeah. You call it a screener, I think. And, you know, it's got the watermark of the studio over it and says, this is Emma Arnold's copy. So they know if you leak it or whatever. Yeah. But anyway, Emma mentioned it once to a friend.

Said, oh, what are you doing later? Oh, I'm going home to watch Gladiator. I got a screen. It's this new Ridley Scott, I think. movie. This guy, Russell Crowe is in it. Should be interesting. And her other friends who were meeting them for lunch over her to say that. Oh, okay, screener. Oh, I've got a screener, do we? Oh, you think you're so good to see movies before. Oh, here we go. Yeah. Hollywood's on the phone. Yeah, I think so. These, all these

friends all suck. But also, I just think anytime you explain the origin of a nickname, it never, it never comes off super well. Yeah, where did Perko come from? That is complex. That's one of the rare good stories. Okay, so is it up to me? I think it is up to me. Yes.

Can I thank from Weichelach in Deutschland, it's Katharina. Okay. Nicknamed, see ya. See ya. One time, Catherine was, went for like a change up the hair. Thought, I'm going to get bangs. But the bangs were a bit too long, sort of just covering the eyes type thing. Went to the friends like, what do you think?

And they were like, no, it's good. It's great. It's really good. I mean, you look like Seah. Yeah. And that's a compliment. That's a compliment. See, he's a fantastic songwriter and performer.

Yeah. But the hairstyle. You know. And then later, when she went to leave later on, they said it, anyway, see you later. Yeah, exactly. It's stuck. That's where it locked in. That's where it really locked in. Yeah.

No, honestly, that's good stuff. Catherine's friends. Good on you. Next, I would like to thank somebody from Deep Within the Fortress of the Moles. We can only assume the other way around. Address Unknown. We can only assume Deep Within the Fortress of the Miles. I would love to thank Nathan L.

Oh, Nathan L. The Body. because Nathan's a bit secretive about the surname and someone pushed him for it. And Nathan's like, it's just L, just I don't want to give it. It's just L. And they're like, oh, like L McPherson of the body. And yeah, it's stuck from then on. And he's like, sure, whatever.

Because if that means you'll stop pushing me to know my surname, fine, call me the body. I don't care. As long as you don't, you're not like, you know, sizzling towards what you're going to do and kill me and then I'll be a body. Yeah. As long as, as that's not it. Can I just get a photo? We'll take a photo with you and me and I'm going to send this to my friend saying if I turn up dead soon. It's this person.

Yeah. Suspect numero uno, which is, I think, Italian for number one. What's happening? That's a longish message. I want to go. Well, then we should probably. Pick it up a bit. Could I thank from Wynne Malley in New South Wales, Australia, Ashley England.

Ashley England, Govma. Gavna. Self-explanatory rule, isn't it? Ashley England. Oh, hello, Gavna. Oh, hello, govna. It's the governor of me. Yeah.

I'm actually from New South Wales, Ashley would say. That's a good Australian accent. Thank you. I was really good. I know you could do that. All right, governor. I'm sure you are governor. All right, guv'n.

All right. Cup of tea, governor. Why, bickie, governor. Do you want a bickie, governor? Jeez, Ashley. Nightmare friends. Awful friends. Sorry about them.

I would also like to thank from Lincoln, Nebraska. Had to look that up. N.E. I was like, New England? Lincoln, Nebraska. That's where the cornaders are from. I'm pretty sure that's where Jim Carrey goes in Yes, Man. With Zoe D. Chanel.

Oh. Well, I would love to thank. Drew Allen. Drew Allen. Oh, it is where they go. Where they just turn up at the airport for the next flight? Yeah, and they're in the crowd. That's great.

I love it. Lincoln, Nebraska. Drew Allen has the nickname of a stork. And I guess I'm thinking that because of corn. And does corn grow on stalks? Do you get a stalk of corn? An ear of corn. An ear of corn with a husk.

Corn stalks. Yeah, that can be a thing, I guess. All right. So, but anyway, this isn't that. This is because until Drew was older than he should have been, 24, he thought birds delivered babies. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay.

So. That would be quite a mind-blowing thing to learn late. Yes. And because Drew kind of played it off like, I was joking. Yeah. But it was clear that Drew was not joking. Wow. Okay.

Yeah. Well, it's a safe space. On your stalk. Is it me? No, you. And finally, from, once again, address unknown, can only assume from deep within the Fortress of the Moles, it's Jacinta G. Jacinta G.

Lamp. Lamp. Yeah, lamp. But it's actually quite a nice one because Jacinto really lights up a room. Yes, and they think she's very bright. Very bright. It's a non-ironic nickname, which is what they do in the fortress of the Moles, which is funny because Moles normally like to live in the dark, but Jacina with Jacina Zora.

Yeah. Lights up a room. Lights up a room. I say G because it just says Jacinda from address unknown. Yeah. But the email address suggests. It might be G. It might be G.

So we're just trying to help you out a little bit there. Thank you so much to Jacinda Drew, Ashley, Nathan, Catherine, Emma, Joanne, Juso, and Hannah. And I should also say, yeah, if you do have address unknown, you're like, why is that? That's because you've selected, do not let these weidos know my address. And that's also why you wouldn't have got the Christmas cards over recent years. If you're wondering, perhaps that's exactly how you want it. Anyway, thank you to all of you. The last thing we need to do is welcome a few people into the Trip Ditch Club.

And we're going to do that right now. Jess, explain it to me again. What is this? The Trip Ditch Club is an exclusive club for people who support the show on the shoutout level. No, just report the show for three consecutive years. Yeah, shout out level or above. Yep. And we welcome you in.

There's a band. There's a bar. There's anything you could possibly want. We just got pool tables. Oh, it's so good. Pretty cool. I play better after a couple of years. I play worse.

And yeah, so we welcome you in. Matt lifts the rope. He reads your name out. We hype you up. I've actually booked a band. I've taken over booking the band while Dave's missing. I mean, away. And crazy.

I've actually booked a synth pop artist called Roosevelt. Oh, that's so good. Isn't that crazy? I didn't know you were booking because I've actually also booked an act. Shit, who have you got? Well, Alice in Chains. Oh. So I don't know if their vibes will really connect, but...

Maybe they could play at the same time. Yours is more relevant, though, because Alice and Chains doesn't have anything to do with this episode. That's just a band that I booked. Yeah, but you can't just like cancel them out. Wait, hang on, what was her name? Alice. Oh, shit. Yeah, I've only just got that.

Isn't that funny? Wow. You know, I booked a band called Alison Chains and you booked Roosevelt. Yeah. That is weird. That is crazy. I'm getting tingles. Oh, one of those strange coincidences.

Yeah, beautiful coincidence, though. Sometimes things just come together. Yeah. Yeah. I'm behind the bar. I've got food and drinks going. Now, obviously the Roosevelt's are, a wealthy family, Alice's mother's family, very wealthy as well.

So I've gone for rich people food. Okay. I'm talking caviar. Yeah. I'm talking lobster. All right. I'm talking. How are you cooking the lobster?

I don't know. Put it in a pot. Yeah. And what you do? Hot water, I guess. Hot water. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. Have you checked on it? Have you checked on it lately? It's the same burner too. Oh, no. Jess. Did you forget? I forgot.

I thought it was bottom right. It's bottom left. Oh, that one. Yeah, that only has two functions. or a billion degrees. Oh, fuck. Oh, man. That lobster died so quick.

Yeah. You know, if there is a positive to come out of this. Yeah. So I guess that's good, I suppose. Yeah. Well, we'll see. I might, the caveat might also be too hot, but we'll see how we go. You've boiled the caviar.

Well, no, I just warmed it a little, I thought. Where? On the stove. Oh, no. On the front left. What's its temperature currently? Oh, hang on, I'll get the thermometer around. Hang on.

Maybe it's fine. Maybe it's fine. I just wanted it slightly. Oh, no. Oh no. Oh, no. What is it? It's 72 degrees. Oh my God, that's too hot.

Celsius. That's too hot for caviar. It's way too hot. You're going to burn your mouth. Oh, my God. Maybe you could leave it out to cool. I'll try, but it might take a while. It's really hot in this kitchen. Can you check the temperature again? What's happened since it's been cooled? 80. It's up to 80. It's going on. What's happening? I don't know how.

Well, it's about to boil. It's going to be boiled caviar. I don't know what to do. I keep ruining everything. I think we shut the bar down. We got to get ruined of this stove. It's no good. We need more people to join the Patreon so we can buy it to use stove. Any drinks?

Yeah, just champagne. Okay, great. Rich people stuff. Probably chilling on ice. Oh yeah, it's nice. Yeah, it's fine. Brilliant. Well, that means it's time to welcome in.

We've got four inductees this week. Okay. How about I read them and you hype them? Okay. That's normally Dave's job. I know. Big shoes to fill. Well, fairly little shoes.

I'll do my best. A bit of weak word play. You're on the door, you're welcoming them in and I'm hyping them. That's a good sign. It's like that I can't get through the word welcoming. I think it's going to be really good. Yeah. Okay, so first and foremost, please let me welcome in from address unknown, deep within the fortress of the moles.

Please welcome in John Wick. John Wick. Oh, I'm going to light your wick and you're going to burn bright like a candle. John Welk, welcome in Johnny Wick. I would also love to welcome. There's nothing else to say about a guy named John Wick. From Port Macquarie in New South Wales. It's Lord James and Lady Paula Smith.

Oh, a lot to work with them. Members of Sea Landia, I think. Oh. You are my lady and my lord, the best in the biz. You can port my quarry any day and make yourselves alone. Oh, yes. This is hard. Welcome in.

From Chicago, Illinois. it's Benjamin Montema. Oh, from Chicago, let's make it reign Spenjamas. Yes. Which is a word for money. Money. Montemma, the first three letters are the same as the first three letters in money. Oh, yes.

So, yeah, you're having a big party. And from Mitchum in Victoria, please welcome in Steph Kendall. Mitch Ham, more like a nice, lovely buttocky ham. that we can share with you because we're so glad for you to be here, Steph Kendall. Steph Kendall all the time is having a good time. Yes.

Well done. Actually, I really brought up strong there. It's very easy. Welcome in Make yourselves at home. Just give the, can we get a quick temperature check on the cabia? It's 120. Oh my God. It's going up exponentially.

It's not good. Please. I think we might need to evacuate. Okay. All right, Steph, Benjamin, James, Paula and John. Make yourselves at home. be ready. We may need to evacuate soon. Please familiarise yourselves with the emergency exits.

They're two behind you. All right. That brings us the end of the episode. What a fun time it has been. And a long time. Here's what I want to say. That if you enjoyed this episode, if it reminded you of somebody else through history that you've heard about once and gone, oh yeah, that's a fun life. Tell us about it. Yeah. Let us make a report about it. Stop keeping into yourself. Put it in that.

That's selfish. There's a link in the show notes to suggest a topic. Anybody can as well. You don't have to be a Patreon or you can find it on our website, which is do you go on pod.com, which is also where you'll find information about upcoming live shows, like our comedy festival show. And you can find us on social media at Do Go On Pod as well.

But until next week, thank you so much. And thank you to our great editor, AJ. We love you, AJ. Thank you so much. And goodbye. Ladies! Bye! forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can

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