Do Go On - 473 - Genghis Khan

Episode Date: November 13, 2024

On the third most voted for topic of Block 2024, we talk about one of the most successful and fearsome leaders in human history, the founder of the Mongol Empire; Genghis Khan. This is a comedy/history podcast, the report about the murders begins at approximately 08:57 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).*Content warning for sexual assault, at approximately: 1:48:34For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.dancarlin.com/product/hardcore-history-wrath-of-the-khans-series/ https://www.worldhistory.org/Genghis_Khan/https://www.britannica.com/biography/Genghis-Khan/Legacyhttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genghis_Khan#Legacy_and_historical_assessmenthttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongol_Empirehttps://www.history.com/topics/asian-history/genghis-khanhttps://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/01/08/the-frustrating-hunt-for-genghis-kahns-long-lost-tomb-just-got-a-whole-lot-easier/ https://www.iflscience.com/fact-check-are-one-in-200-people-descended-from-genghis-khan-65357 https://historyofyesterday.com/subutai-the-general-who-conquered-the-most-territory-in-history/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongol_invasions_and_conquests#Death_toll Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we've got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dev Warnikey and as always I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Hello, I'm Matt Stewart. What?

Oh, that's throwing me for a loop. I thought I was Matt Stewart. No, no, no, no. I'm just Perkins. Matt Stewart. Oh, cool. Well, I'm really fun and vivacious. Uh-huh.

So, yeah, that feels right. I'm Jess Perkins. Yeah, and I'm quite dull. Yeah, you are. Yeah. This does make sense. Sam and I'm Dave. Welcome to the third most requested topic for Blockbuster Toba slash Blow Vemba,

20, 24 people. We're on the podium. Can you believe it? On the day, so my goodness. Huge. And I think it's unfair to even make it sound like it's the Olympics. It's not the Olympics. Which we have to say legally.

Yeah. Because we're not endorsed by the Big O, as we call them. We can say the Olympics. The Big O is something different. Yeah. That's octagonal. That's Roy Orbison. That's all of a clock.

Big O means a lot of things for a lot of people. But this isn't the Olympics. Is that what you're saying? No, because bronze in the Olympics is like a piece of, you may as well hand someone a piece of shit in a bag. Yeah, yeah. Imagine if you've got it's a metal around your neck and then they said, also, this is for you.

It's a steaming bag. Third is second loser, okay? Yeah. But that's not the case in Block. Third is actually very prestigious. Yeah, absolutely. Because this is out of like all topics and all people and everything that's ever happened. And here's the thing, like, people vote on these topics, right?

So a lot of people wanted this. Do you know what I mean? But when you come third in the Olympics, nobody wanted you. Nobody wanted you. And you didn't even want that. Yeah. No one wants it. You deserve a little bag of shit.

And like say you came third in like, I don't know, like the equestrian. Aquestion. What's that? The third out of like 17 people worldwide who do that sport? Wow! Who can own a horse to ride in that event? In this economy? It means nothing. It means nothing. You're right.

Oh, you're the third best super rich person at like trotting about. Yeah. And having a plat on your ponytail or something? You are doing a very good Jess. I do get riled up about stuff. Well, I'm riled up. Anyway, Dave, what are you talking about? Can I be mad again? Yeah, you can be mad again.

Oh, thank you. And I'll be David and. I'll say what we're doing you. I missed being vivacious. Yeah. I don't know if I fully know what it means, but I feel like I'm confident that is you. I don't fully know either, but I agree with him. Yeah, yeah.

Now, do go on. What we do here is we often take an intense report on a topic, suggested to us by one of the listeners usually go away, do a bit of research. And during Blockbuster, October, such November, we've put out a poll and that put out hundreds of topics, and they're all the most requested ones from our big hat, which is thousands and thousands of suggestions. And then thousands of people voted for them. There's lots of people voted for what they wanted us to talk about.

And this is the third most requested one of the year. Can you believe it? And we always start with the question. Okay. And it's always a bit of a weird time during block slash November. Usually we don't know what each other are going to talk about. It's a complete mystery. But we've divvied up these topics a few weeks back.

Yeah, but Dave, 10 minutes ago, you said, do you remember what it is? And I said, yeah, I do. And I've actually already forgotten. Really? So I will. I'm coming fresh at this. Address this question firstly to you, possibly. Fantastic.

And that is... Mongolia. Damn it. That's Matt's answer? The question is, who founded the Mongol Empire? It makes sense. It does make sense. Who would you name an empire after?

Oh, my name's Mongolia. Yeah. You start the Mongol Empire. My empire would be Jessolia. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's nice. It sounds like a flower.

Do you think? Yeah. Can I get a bunch of the Jessolias? Oh, the Gisoleas are gorgeous this time of you. I'm sorry. Are the Gisoleas blooming yet? Yeah, yeah. Oh, they're blooming big time.

They've got. They've evacious. What colors of the Jessolias have you got this year? Oh, pink purple and blue, beautiful. Yeah, we got the big three. But I've been working on a new one. Brown. Love that brown flower.

Beautiful brown flower. Beautiful blue brown. What I'm going to do is neglect the purple ones for a little while. And you got it. Bob's your uncle. So, Jess, who founded the Mongol Empire? It feels like. Was that a Lenin or McCartney?

No, no, no. He appeared in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure if that helps you. I haven't seen it. What? Should I see it? Yeah. Okay. Keanu.

Oh, is it Kianu? Keanu Reeds, lock it in. No, all right. Back to Matt then. Gengas or Jengis. Or Chingus Khan. Which we will talk about the name, first of all. That's who we're talking about this week.

Our third most requested topic. A titan of world history. But do you know much about the name? Absolutely not. And that's why I like Block in particular, but also just in general this podcast is I feel like it is often and topics where you go, I mean, I know the name, but when quizzed on it, you're like,

I actually don't know anything about this person or about this time of history or anything. I'm stupid. Would you even know how long ago, I reckon it is? Oh, oh, oh, 83. Yeah. Yeah, what are you thinking, like 83 BC? 83 BC. We'd actually be closer if you said 1983.

That's what I said, that's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said. said. That's what I said. That's what I said. That's what I said. 1283. Yeah, we're in the 1200s. Oh, somebody's really crushing it today. And I can't, you know, normally you're so dull. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the topic of the great Khan that we will talk about and I'll talk about how to

pronounce this man's name in a little bit. It's been suggested by, unsurprisingly, lots and lots of people. So thank you to anyone who has ever suggested a topic. You can do so via our website, do go onpod.com. or in the link in the description of this very episode. But these are the people that suggested Genghis or Jenghis Khan. And thank you too. First of all, Levi from Haba Huber. Get out. I'm moving there.

Wow. Can I please work remotely from Humber Humber forever? It's so good. I love a place name that also has a hands signal. Humber, Humber. I let you at home imagine what Matt was doing with his hands. They're imagining some gross stuff. And Vick.

Correct. Max Grimes from Scarborough, Rob Cranmer from Birmingham, Roy Phillips from Boreham Wood, Max Edmonds from Bristol, Michael Hick from London, Gurav from London, Jamie Alcantara from London. London, love this topic. Michael Welch from Parramatta here in New South Wales. Brian V. Douglas from Portland, Oregon. Bethany from Scotland, Ethan Lee from Brighton.

Michael Horwadell from Concha Hocken in Pennsylvania. Wow. Oh my God. Bethany Walby from Gretna, Scotland, David Brown from Mount Martha, Gillian Locke, or Gillian Locke from High Fields, Anthony Hanlonan from Caledonia in Canada, Dennis Austin from Hamilton, Canada, Michael Hick, another one from London. We're nearly there.

Braden Douglas from Friott's two different Hicks? Yeah, I think there's possibly the same Hick. It's Michael Hick twice. Michael Hick gets two shoutouts. Jeez, Michael Hick is keen on the car. And honestly, maybe a little, like, aggressive in there. You know what I mean? Back off Hick.

Like we get it. Yeah. We get it, you want this topic. Okay? We get it. Chill. Oh. Also, Braden Douglas from Brisbane, Yusuf, aka me, from Glasgow.

Ben Plumridge from Peterborough in the UK, Drew Paisner from Los Angeles, and Julian McMahon Hyde from Jolong. Can I say something stupid? Yes. As you were reading those names, I was like, God, a lot of people suggest to this. And that's the point.

These are our most requested topics that have then voted on as well. Yes. So, you know, my earlier comment about my own level of intelligence stands. I think it should too. I think it should stand. I have other values. Dave also said, as he, before he read them out, he said, there's quite a lot of people who suggested this topic.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh, so now I'm supposed to listen when Dave talks. Well, that's hard because you get lost in his eyes. I know. I think I can either look at him or I can listen to him. I can't do both. I can't do both. Well, listen now, because I'm going to start the report.

Listen now, a great podcast. That reminds me, I'm going to listen to that first season about cold chisels. And I'm actually, I would have just seen them. But in between this being recorded and it coming out. Man, I'm so pumped. 50th anniversary tour. Unbelievable. That wild.

Crazy. Exciting stuff. Now, Blockbuster toad number three. We have to talk about how to pronounce this topic. Now, I don't know about you guys. My whole life, I've always heard this man was known as Genghis car. Yes. Growing up, that's what people said.

Yeah, absolutely. And I remember, he came up briefly on an episode of this a few months ago and I said, I'd just heard, listen to a history podcast or something that was calling him Jengis. So I said Jengis. And like, you didn't say anything, but you laughed at me. At. At. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Normally we're laughing with each other, but every now and then we are pulling at. I don't remember that. He stuffed that up. Yeah. And I'm like, well, well, in mass defense, there is no universal Romanization system used for Mongolian. As a result, modern spellings of Mongolian names very greatly and may result in considerably

different pronunciations from the original. Most historians that came across, Matt, they're on your side. They call him Jenghis Khan. This is a European and American historians. Apparently he is known in Mongolia as Chingus Khan. Okay. Spelled with the CH. Almost feel like maybe there who we should go with.

You think so. Yeah, that's not a bad thought. But then I also heard another historian who's like, an expert in this area. Again, I think he's an English guy. He pronounced it as Chingas Hahn. Okay. Okay. So what pronunciation are you going to go for today? I think I'm going to go with uh, Jenghis Khan. Okay. Because I've been watching, um, the Netflix show Marco Polo and they call him that. And I'm sure that's historically accurate. I'm sure. Which is about his grandson. Netflix? Uh, yeah. Okay. Very historically accurate. This is like we've

saying someone I know, don't know anything about, no one from Bill and Ted's. Yeah. I don't know anything. And they probably didn't go into the background too much. No. I've seen it but a long time ago. Yeah. Maybe a slightly cartoonish version of it.

Similar to their version of Napoleon. Right. And Abraham Lincoln and all the classics, Joan of Arc. Uh-huh. But I've got to see this movie. Yeah. I remember it being a lot of fun. I imagine it's even better than I remember it.

As movies usually are. Yeah. But I don't know anything about it. I'm wondering, is, is Kubla Khan a person? And if that is a person, are they related to Genghis Khan? Yes, that is the one that's in Marco Polo. That's his grandson, Kubla or Kubla Khan. That is one of the great names.

Incredible name. Kubla Khan. Well, I'm excited to learn about Jenghis Khan. Let's talk about Jenghis. I'm almost certainly slipping to Genghis as well. Yeah, absolutely. But you know who we're talking about, people. All I'm a great as well, Genghis is sick.

Genghis is amazing. I like Chingus too. Chingis is very cool. I like that too. Jingas is fun. Yeah. It's all good stuff. It's like, yeah, that's why it's hard.

Because I think if one of them was particularly cooler than the others, that's the one that would have gone with. But they're all great options. Yeah. Too many good options. Embarrassment of riches. We are so lucky, aren't we? Embarrassment of riches, is that?

Anything? Please, please are gone. Now, our story starts in a place known today as the great step or simply the steps. A huge area of grasslands that runs 8,000 kilometers of 5,000 miles all the way from modern-day Mongol. through to southern Russia to Hungary. So it's huge. Whoa.

Unbelievable. 8,000 Ks. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. These days the Eastern Mongolian steps are home to the largest remaining intact temperate grass lands on earth. Whoa. Quite nice.

What does that mean? It's grassy. Right, but old grass. Old grass. Uninterrupted grass. Right. So it's not like a drop in pitch at the MCG, which is quite new grass. They probably drop it in from.

Mongolia. Really? Yeah. Jeez. That'd be cool. See that on boxing day. That'd be cool. Well, imagine if that had the oldest grass in the world.

Imagine. Imagine the tweak Warnie could have got out of that. Yeah. Now, according to Wikipedia, which is, it's a grass website. Ah. But it's also a step history website. Is wiki like one of the types of grass? Yeah.

My dad always knows different types. Oh, that's so and so. Can you like look at grass and know what it is? And I'm like, God, you're a dad. What do you got? Cooch? Yeah, cooch is one. Buffalo?

Buffalo. There's a blue, something blue. Oh, yeah. I think blue is good for anything. On who knew it, there's a question that, there's a question that, where people have to make up a species of animal or whatever. Blue is a great word to throw in there. Yeah. And my dad, he doesn't do lawns.

He does breeds of cattle. Ah. Very similar, though. Yeah. Cattle eats the grass. And, um, but one of the, And he always talks about the Belgian blue. Oh, beautiful Belgian blue.

Lovely beast. Do you remember I thought you were just saying Highland Cous with an accent? Yeah. I thought they were just cat. But that is what they're called. Yeah, but I think that is because of the accent, right? But then it's spelt like C-OO. A lot of Scots writing is just like phonetically spelled the Scott with the Scottish accent.

Cous. Cooze. Sorry, you've gotten one sentence in. Man-lavallon Cous. And we've just gone off on about cows. The grass website, the step website, Wikipedia. Kicker U. Is that one?

Yes, something like that. Shut up, right, we'll kick you. All right. Here we go. Since the Paleolithic age, the steppe route has been the main overland route between Europe, Western Asia, Central Asia, East Asia, and then Southern Asia, economically, politically and culturally. I've seen a lot of history of this area. Large parts of the famous Silk Road went across the Eurasian steppe.

As in the actual Silk Road, not the one we covered, which was the... The real one. It's the dark web. The real one. We really should do the real one at some point. It's really fascinating, but I think it'll be, it's a big, that could be blocked next year. It's honestly a huge story. Can I suggest you do it, Dave?

Yeah, okay. I mean, I've already got the Wikipedia article loaded. It's been home to nomadic empires and many large tribal confederations, including the Schithians, the Zhongnu, the Huns, famously led by Attila, and of course, what would become the Mongol Empire? Attila the hunk. What a, what a brute, but. What a tell her the honey. In the 1100s, there were multiple tribes across the vast step. There were Merkets, Tartars, Turks, Nymans and Mongols.

There were just some of the dozens of different societies. And they also butted up against each other. These were equestrian nomadic people who lived in felt tents called Gurs or Yertz and moved between summer and winter campsites, hurting yaks, camels, and sheep. A lot of big animals for you. They had a summer and. And a winter home. So good.

That's living. Must be nice. Oh, we summer in the hill. We summer in the yurt. Gorgeous. So lovely. Love that. That's a lifestyle I want to bring back.

Yeah. I want my winter home and my summer home. Yeah, follow the weather. It makes sense. It does make sense. I'd tell you that my, I caught my mum saying that they were, I can't remember the context where she basically said, can you, you can, we're staying in the, in the summer bedroom at the moment. And I'm like, what? And it turns out they just like, because to save on heating and

cooling, they'll sleep in either their bedroom. Yeah. Or one of it, the kids' old bedrooms in the different times of year. But it's so funny to refer to it as the summer bedroom. Not Tom's old room. Yeah, yeah. It's the summer bedroom. What's the summer in the summer wing? So it doesn't get as hot in that room for some reason. Okay. Yeah, I guess the sun hits a different thing or whatever. That's so funny. Yes, well, Matt, it's October, we're in the summer room. You won't find us in the winter wing. Why are you looking at the winter wing in the house if you're trying to find me?

I'm in the summer wing, Matthew. Over here through the library. Use your head, my boy. That's incredible. That's really good. Mine, what happened to you? I'm like, you know you were a primary school teacher. You weren't the queen.

Come on. What's going on? I love that. So there's these groups of nomadic people, female members of the groups held significant authority and managed the migration and trade. All right. Yes.

Yes. And the men did a lot of the military stuff. Oh, who cares what the men are doing? They go out there and they kill stuff. Yeah, the women are like, off you go. Yeah, no, go hunt some stuff. Get them out of it out. Get them out.

Yeah, go ahead and them run around. Yeah, the energy out. They're a nightmare. They've got their energy out. I genuinely said that about my husband recently. He was running around with the footie and I was like, who's going to ducking himself out. Won't be bothering me tonight?

Fantastic. The societies travelled on horses that they rode since practically before they could themselves walk, meaning they were amazing riders. They travelled far and wide on short and stocky horses. You've got to see these Mongolian horses. I bloody love them. And the horses than people, yeah, you're going to look them up. You keep talking.

We're both just busy with Mongolian horse. They're a few hands shorter than like the average race horse that you would see on like TV or something now. Bigger than a donkey. But like shorter legs than your. classic horse. Oh, yeah. They look stocky. And they're perfect for the step area, all these grassy areas.

I love these. They're like, obviously, they've developed over time to be perfect. That's a beautiful horse. And I'd feel more comfortable riding one of those because you're not quite as high off the ground. Yeah, yeah. But they still feel strong. You know, I trust it could carry me comfortably.

Yeah. I don't have to feel subconscious about that. But I'm not like six feet off the ground. Love that. So they're short and stocky and the horses and the people must have been pretty tough, contending with weather as low as minus 40 in winter. No. And a 30 degrees Celsius in summer.

Okay. So that's not too, but if you think about 70 degrees range. That's a huge range. And the people, they live in tents. Yeah. 30 degrees is some protection, but it's not as much as, say, you know, a brick building or something. But the horses, they're outside all the time. So they're perfect for the conditions.

They're tough. 30 is sort of my maximum these days. Yeah. 30's enough for me. minus 40 would be that's beyond my minimum I'll be honest yeah I'm going to say that's so that's 86 Fahrenheit I don't know that people are overseas going on what are you talking about and minus 40 that's minus 40 baby oh is that where it connects that's the one one time oh nice I always forget what that number is a true fact uh these nomadic people were bordered on either side of the

step by large city-based societies in very very very simple terms southeast of uh so the mongolian era was China, which was divided into the Jin and Song dynasties. They had millions and millions of people, very advanced cities, and on the west was the Islamic world, areas of present-day Iran, Iraq, and parts of Syria and Turkey. And the nomads are in the middle. These nomads would from time to time cause trouble and raid parts of the settled societies. The reason China started to build the Great Wall many years ago was to protect themselves from various nomadic groups from the Eurasian steppe. But usually because they were split into their different tribes, they want to. seen as too much of a threat.

But every now and then, they'd unite and become an absolute force to be reckoned with and burst out of the step with ferocity. Whoa. And then often splinter again with infighting, which is what happened to the Huns after Attila died. A bit of a civil war goes on, and then they split back into their own groups. And they're not as powerful because they've got less soldiers and so. The Chinese would often play off one set of quote-unquote barbarians against each other, transferring their support and juggling their alliances as to prevent any one tribe from becoming too strong.

Attila, did you hear what they said about you? They said, you ride a horse like a fool. I didn't, I wasn't sure if I should even tell you. I'm sorry, I would never use language like that normally, but I was just quoting what they said. I thought, yeah, I thought, oh, he deserves to know. Yeah, if someone had said that about me, I'd want to know. You want to know the truth. The people were talking about, they did call you.

you Attila the punk. Yeah. Just saying. So sorry. I'm so sorry you had to hear that from me. You don't deserve it. I think you look great. I think you look amazing.

I think you actually look elegant. I wish I looked so cool writing on the lines. You're great. But yeah, some of these others, barbarous, not my word. Not my word. Not my word. Not my word. Quite unquote.

That's what they called themselves. But yeah, they think you're a real stupid prick. Oh, God, again, not my words, not my words. I hate to say it like that. God, I hate being such a good friend and telling you the truth. That's a real way, actually, off my shoulders. Oh, I'm such a good friend. For a long time, it worked.

You know, they divided it. They knew if they were united, they'd quickly become a fearsome enemy, so they played them off against each other. But they feared that someone would unite the tribes. And in about 1162, a boy was born on the step that would change human history. This boy who would remain illiterate his whole life Would against the odds become history's greatest conqueror Assembling what would become the largest contiguous empire in history

I am of course talking about Temergen He got us You got us Sorry I didn't mean to speak for you there man He did get me, did he get you? He got me as well He got us

I thought that was going to be Jenghis, Genghis Yeah yeah Well what have I told you That Temergen and Jenghis Khan are the same person. Oh, he goes again. Sorry, again I spoke for you then. He got me again.

Did he get you again? He got me again. He got us again. He got us again. Dave. Dave. Sorry. Dave, I have always trusted you with my life.

A mistake, probably. On many accounts. But I don't know if I could trust you anymore. You're little trickster. What's going on? I really don't, didn't want to have to say this, but Jess has been calling you a prick behind your back. Hey, what?

I would want to know. Hey, I've been calling him a prick to his face. That's true. This is not news. Honestly, honestly, it's actually way nicer than what you said to my face. That's polite. Prick, I'd kill to be a prick. So Tamerjian would grow up to be given the title of Jenghis Khan, which probably, it's not 100% known,

probably means the equivalent of something like universal leader. Oh, it's like a title. It's a title, not a name per se. And then from then on, like, people after him, Let's Kublai Khan. Okay. Give me these actual name again, please. Temujin.

Temujin. It's pretty good. Temogen Perkins. Oh, that's nice. That is nice. That's nice. That's nice. That's cute.

Temogen. Dinner's ready. You know, fun stuff like that. Put it on the list. Temogen. For dogs. I'm so this is a dog. Oh, that's the best dog name ever heard.

German Shepherd called Temergen. That's very good stuff. Hill. And for someone who, like I said, would change human history. We don't know that much about him. It's a bit of a bit of a. Alexander, the great situation where there's lots of sources we have, but they're all written after he died. But the crazy thing is unlike Alexander, this is less than a thousand years

ago. So more stuff should be known, especially about someone so famous. He's one of history's greatest enigmas. We don't even notice it what year he was born, possibly around 1162 or some say 1167. Okay, big difference. Big difference. And it's kind of fun actually for us doing a podcast now that there isn't a lot known about, you know, about this person, because we can make it up. Yes, that works out so well for it. Is that so fun? I can confirm to see you feel better.

The man is dead. Okay. He's not going to come for us. Great. Great. Perfect. I mean, if he was alive, I think I'd know who to ask about him. Yeah.

And I wasn't going to make up. Hey, what year were you born? He's like, it was ages ago. I don't know. I don't know. I wasn't going to make up slanderer stuff or anything. Like, I wasn't going to say anything that he'd be upset by. I was just going to make up, like, his favorite color and stuff.

that. What do you read his favourite colour is? Green. That's pretty good one. Like a lovely teal. Yeah. So like the green you've got on there. It's almost like a bluey.

It's like a foresty but also bit tealy. I reckon that's it. Yeah. Most of what we know about him is recounted in what I think is such a badass title, The Secret History of the Mongols. Yeah, that were rles. Which is such a badass title. It was written after Jengis died.

It's the oldest surviving literary work in the Mongolian language. It was written for the royal family as a sort of family history so they would know where they came from and it was supposed to be secret from the everyday people. For that reason, we've got to take it with a grain of salt. You know, it's like... I love salt. You want to talk about your family. They're probably not going to say too many bad things.

Having said that, it's not fully universal in the praise of the Khan. It notes that he was afraid of dogs. We do know that. Okay. Afraid of dogs. Less respect for him. Oh, you don't like people who are afraid of dogs. Like, a fear isn't something you can control.

I was scared of dogs. No, I can't hold you against that. That's fine. Can't hold you against that. Shut up. She said it wrong. Shut up. Shut up.

I notice. Oh, I hate you. I say every phrase perfect. I've got an embarrassment of riches. That seems like it's something. I think you're right. Yeah. I don't think I was said it in the right context.

God, no. No. You rarely do. It also questions the possibility of his son, Yoki's illegitimacy. Yoki. Yeah, I think that's, I think it's a, it's a, it's a year. Yokey. It's another fantastic name.

It could be joky. Oh, that's cute as shit. Yoki's a bit jokey. I like a lot. Jokey or Yoki, both good. Yeah. Yoki, go out of her a chicken. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. I like that. Yokey on. Just, just, just, no. No bad ideas. No bad ideas. And AJ will fix in the edit.

I think anyone who thinks this is tedious. Yeah. Just remember. It's AJ's false. AJ edits out what is tedious, or that's what we ask him to do. Yeah, yeah. So... If this is left in, this is good stuff.

According to AJ. According to me. I would have cut this out. Sorry, that's the main sort of source in some ways, but other parts of this part of history are backed up by Chinese and Islamic scholars who found themselves on the wrong side of the Khan. Uh-oh. But because the sources are all written in differing languages, this has been another barrier

to historians getting the full picture of the Khan. And so over time, it does still evolve. when people go, oh, the Persian's wrote this, oh, the Chinese wrote this, and then now it's all translated, hopefully, into similar language. We can know more and more about him. But for now, Temergen is just a harmless baby. Just a little boy. Or is he?

Oh, my God. Dave, you just keep this coming. I can't keep up. My heart is racing. The story goes that he was born clutching a blood clot the size of a knucklebone. Oh, I feel like that's somewhere deep in the back of my brain that maybe I'd hurt. That's disgusting. You know that?

What? Possibly indicating the bloodshed that his life would bring. That's, you're doing a lot of the. Are we saying either that didn't happen and that's been written after or they saw that and they went, well, you know, they've put that on to him. Yeah, they're projecting onto a new bond. Or do you think, like they handed it to him and said, I reckon they've given it to him. Can you hold that? I reckon they've said, we need, we actually need, we need someone.

You know how like babies will. This baby, we need him to lift. They have that reflex of just like, grabbing under stuff. You could put anything in his hand. So they could, I mean, they should have put a basketball in there. Yes. You know? A golf ball. It could have been, like, imagine that.

Tiger Woods played when he was four. Imagine. Yeah. Imagine getting a start from the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't, I don't do the months like some people do. Okay.

You don't do months. This kid's five months old. This kid's zero till he's one. Yep. Okay. Oh, right. Yeah. You're zero.

Yeah. Oh, you're, oh, you're not doing that. You zero. You're nothing. And all zeros, same. Yeah. You know, none of this one month, 11 months, don't give a shit. No. All zero.

Yep. Okay? I fully agree with that. Matt and I are back on the same part. Feels good. Feels good. Born clutching blood clot the size of a knuckleburn. Did anyone check on the mother?

No, don't worry about it. She's all right. She's fine. He cares. He is also said to have been of divine origin. And now this is the bit where you're like, all right, they've written this later. His first ancestor having been a grey wolf, quote,

born with the destiny from heaven on high. That is sick. Like, I love, so many of the historical people we come across, it would be like, they descended from Zeus or something, you know, equally nonsense. But this is awesome. A wolf? Yeah. That's fucking sick.

That's so good. If you're going to make it up, make it something sick like that, Zeus, oh, God. Who cares? Whatever. A wolf? I'm listening. I'm listening. Yeah.

He was related. to a turtle. It's a turtle boy. And that, yeah, he's got a hard hour to shell. Yeah, he's Peter in the, in the sewers. And if he falls on his back, he's in big trouble. He's in big trouble. Somebody help him up.

Flip him over. Somebody help him up. Please. Come on. Flip over my boy. Flip over my turtle boy. Please flip over my boy. You there.

I won't do it. Show me back, can't lean down. Well, someone get me a spatula. Someone get me a flipping stick right now. Boy, I'm coming. Boy, I'm coming. I just need a stick. Someone passes me a stick or flip on if I'm a boy.

I've just given birth for God's sake. Give us a second. Come on. Look at him down there. He's flopping. Wait, he can't. He wants trying to flop. He can't flop.

Can't flip. He can't flop. He will die. He will die. He will remember this. We're trying to get him to come out of his shell, okay? He will remember this. I'm trying to make myself clear.

He will die. Get me a stick. Get me a stick. It's like that. That's how he was born. That's a full. full picture. Secret History of the Mongols.

Got it. Now, oh, this is an educational podcast. It all started great. He was born to aristocratic parents. That's good. And named after one of his father's defeated enemies to celebrate the victory.

That's fun. That's fun. So you beat that guy like, great. Well, I'm going to name my son after you suck shit. Dave, do you think you'd take it as a big insult if I named a child after you?

Is that funny? That's really flipped around. Yeah, yeah. That's like the bat is high of an honor you can give someone. Yeah. I defeated you in battle. Sug shit. named a child after you.

This little fetus, that's named after you. Look how weak it is. It's on its back. I come down. That's you. Look at this zero-year-old. Zero. You're nothing.

You're nothing just like it. My pride and joy. I love you. I love you. I love you both. So all started great. But then it all went wrong. According to world history.

org, his father was a tribal leader and he arranged for his son to marry Borte, which was very disappointed to learn. That's how people say it. It's spelled B. R-T-E and I thought her name was Bort. Yeah. And I was... Let's call her Bort.

Let's call her Bort. It's more fun. Okay. He's going to marry Bort, who's the daughter of another influential Mongol leader, and this is when they're kids. But are they going to let them get to the age of like 10 before they get married? Or is it like... In the future, to shore up our tribes together. Your son, my daughter.

Great. Betrote. Done. Bring them together. But before this plan could come through fruition, Timurgin's father was poisoned by arrival. Whoa. Timurgin, depending on when you think he was born, was only nine, possibly 12 years old at the time.

And so he could not maintain the loyalty of his father's followers. Oh. As a consequence, I'd be very loyal to a 12 year old. Yeah. Do what I say. I bet you got it. You got it, cheap? Sure thing, boss?

If it was 14, 15 then, no. No, absolutely not. But 12. 12. They're still, like, they haven't become assholes yet. Yeah, you can just buy them off with Pokemon cards or something. Easy. Pogs.

Yeah. Pogs. Yeah. There's a Pog. Yes, it's a pog. A tamagotchi. Want to come around, play some pong? You want to come around and pong?

Let's do Mario Kart. You'll switch your mind. Yeah. Hey, you got our attention and you got our loyalty. Yeah. Girl, some people. Yeah. Jeez.

Not loyal to 12-year-olds. But they're not loyal to him, but they also didn't respect him at all because as a consequence, Temergin and his mother and the other siblings were abandoned on the Asian step left to die. The society were like, see you later. It is very fun to picture this is a huge step. It's like a stoop. Yeah, yeah. Like there's babies being left on this stoop.

It's like, yeah, big step. What no one's saying is the step is to an orphanage, which is why it makes sense that a lot of babies have been left there. Has it been a lot of babies? Well, a few. Yeah. He's there, I think he's got at least two siblings. So they're left to die.

However, the outcast family managed to forage and live off the land as best they could. Well, but I mean, he's got wolf blood. Yeah, he can probably like hunt. He's a wolf boy. He's a wolf boy. So he's kicked out of his tribe, starving with his family. It's all gone wrong very quickly. They're formerly, they were, you know, their tribe's leaders.

Yeah. Timurgin was about nine, and his older brother, who was a half-brother, he's 14, Bechtar. So already an asshole. Fourteen. Yeah, exactly. Well, he was hogging all the spoils and not sharing with Temergin or his younger brother, Khazar.

Okay, but also, have you, like, this is going to sound weird. I was about to say, have you spent much time with teenage boys? What I mean is I have a lot of cousins. Anyway, 14 year olds, have you seen how they can eat? It's incredible. They're growing. They're growing. I thought you're asking me and Dave, if we have.

I was like, we've both been them, Jess. And I went to an all-girl school. Have you guys spent any time with teenage boys? Can you tell me that? Oh, my God. What are they like? I never met one. What are they like?

Teenage boys. Yeah, they'll eat a whole life of bread for breakfast. Totally. Teenagers in general, but teenage boys in particular can eat. What, I, yeah, I've talked about this before. on the pot, I'm sure, but like my breaks. Yes. The food I ate when I was working at a supermarket as a teen, it was crazy.

Yeah, I'd feel sick for a month if I did it now. When you were like two liters of chocolate milk in a break? I did. Strawberry milk, wasn't it? No, it was chocolate. A chocolate big M 2 liter in a 15 minute break. Two liter. Even just the like the smaller box is like enough.

You had a two liter bottle. Six packs of iced donuts. Fuck. Wow. Apple tea cakes. Like full cake. You see them like a business. Just like, pick them up.

You're showing us both hands. You're just moving it to your mouth. What? You know, chatting with other people in there. It's like weird stuff. Yeah. Like, also, the kind of person that isn't going to get loyalty from the elders. No, because you're watching them eat at the top.

You see a boy eat a full cake like it's a biscuit while drinking two liters of milk? I'm not listening to this kid at all. This kid doesn't know anything of anything. It's a psychopath. This kid's going to be shitting himself in like 15 minutes. You wish you just keep watching him because he's about to shit himself. Lock the toilet and see what happens. So that's Bector, the older 14-year-old half-brother.

I'm defending him because teenage boy. Hogan all the spoils. So there's 9-year-old Temergen and his even younger brother, Kazar. Great name. Such a good name. They ganged up on their big brother, Bector, and they killed him. Sorry? They murdered him.

What? in the fuck. This is, all of this is so biblical sounding. Yeah. Like, I guess all these stories kind of are, but this,

don't you reckon this sounds like it's straight out of Old Testament? Yes. Because I could have met, like, I almost would have understood if they, like, beat him up a bit.

Because when you're like, play fighting with friends, you know, you don't actually want to hurt each other. When you're fighting with a sibling, you want to draw blood. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I know that sounds psychotic, but everybody if the sibling understands. Um, but I don't know. I don't, yeah, okay, I don't think I would have gone quite so far as to murder my brother. But occasionally he did eat all of the barbecue shapes and not leave me any. That's fine. And I thought about it.

Yeah, but he followed through. Wow. The nine-year-old and possibly the younger. Killed a 14th. That's insane. So, apparently it upset their mother who scolded them both. Do you reckon she was upset? Was it?

Was it her son or was it the dad's son? Because he's a half-sibling, isn't he? I think it might be the dad's son. The dead dad son. Okay. Yeah, she's, that's a scolding. Otherwise, this was her son. I probably would have been, like, grounding or something.

She's doing one of those scolds of, oh, boys. No, that wasn't very nice, was it? All right. Now, you apologize to your brother's corpse. You apologize right now. Okay. Okay. And then come in, we're having dinner.

Yeah. And there's way more for us because that dick is gone. Wash up and come in for dinner. I can't say mad at you, boys. You boys. Boys will be boys. So it's kind of showing that, yeah, the length that he is willing to go to. It is a very violent society at the time. Is it, what is that fraticide or something?

What's the word for that, killing your brother? Yeah. Because I, yeah, I saw that come up on something recently. You were Googling it? Was it on the quiz thing that we do every day, Dave? A fratricide? Fratricide. Your brother really annoyed you and you googled what it may, what it is?

I'm going to kill it. I'm going to make, but I need a word for it. I need to put it in a words. So, yeah. Fratricide. He became head of the family after this, remembering he's probably under 10. Shit. But maybe 12.

Maybe 12. So we can excuse them. And things went from bad to worse when Temergen was kidnapped. What? Which was very common in this part of the world during this time. It was a real dog eat dog world. Not a lot of rules or laws governing the land. Jengis' father had actually kidnapped his mother.

Okay. A beautiful courtship. It happened a lot. Yeah. You said, You said before he's afraid of dogs. Now you say it's dog ate dog world. Well, that's terrifying for someone to witness.

But are there actual dogs? What's the dog deal? Well, if he came from a wolf. Yeah, he came from a wolf. Where does he... So he's afraid of dogs. Uh-huh. He's part wolf.

Yes, true. It's a dog-eat-dog world. Yes. What? I'm so... Where? What? Well, I'm... Can I just say that I'm a human and I'm terrified of humans.

Oh. Probably the most dangerous animal of all. That's something that I've Some of the worst people I know are humans Yeah That's just the thing I've been thinking about lately That you know Humans

Yeah Imagine maybe the world would be better off About them Just something I've been thinking about Okay I love it when he thinks Yeah Because you know

Some people say the most dangerous animals Sharks Some people say it's a lion But yeah I think humans If you think about it I think mosquitoes actually are probably more dangerous than... He's got you there.

She's got you... I hadn't thought of that, but you're right. Mosquitoes, the most dangerous animal of all. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it is good to think. Dave, I'm back over to you. It's good to have a little think every now, then.

I've always said. So he's already had quite the life. He's kicked out of the tribe. Murdered his brother. He's kidnapped. Kidnapped. Murder the brother. He was imprisoned in a camp with a wooden collar around his neck to prevent him from escaping.

But according to Britannica, one night when there were feasting. This is the other tribe that have captured him. Temergen, noticing that he was being ineptly guarded, knocked down the sentry with a blow from his wooden collar and fled. So he sort of just swung it at the guy. Wow. They searched all night for him, and he was seen by one of the people who had captured Temergen.

But the man was so impressed by the fire in his eyes, he did not denounce Temergen, but helped him escape at the risk of his own life. Bloody hell. Wow. This man's name was Sorkwan. Shira, and later when Jenghis was all powerful, he came back and found Sorkan Shira and rewarded him and made him in general. Wow. Which is classic Jenghis.

He often rewarded those loyal to him and punished those who are not. I get that. Another time in his youth... Never crossed me, you two. I never would. I've seen what you do. Another time in his youth, Temogen was looking for some stolen horses. He met another boy called Boochu, having a real stab at that.

that name, Boaltrow, who helped him get back the horses. But Orchru refused the reward, but left his own family to follow Temergin to become his first no-core, which means free companion, and just sort of followed him around as like, you're my leader now, just showing that even as a kid, he must have been pretty charismatic. Wow. Like you. Leadership material. That's right, school captain 2002.

And look at me now. I was school captain and blue team captains to go fuck yourself. We're school captain I thought you were a drama captain 2002 So primary school Yeah I was school captain

And it was high school That they didn't have school captains No we had school captains I thought there's some loophole That you go Nope I've just always been a natural leader Look at us now Why are you trying to bring just down

Yeah He doesn't like women In leadership positions He's like He would prefer to say That role never existed Yeah yeah It's why he doesn't

Like he won't let me be CEO Yeah. Even though it's the three of us, I'm secretary. Yeah, I know. And not like secretary of state sort of like half-falutin secretary, like literal, keep minutes. You're on the phone. Yeah.

I actually thought your contract's a junior secretary. We don't have contracts. Should we have contracts? Yeah, we should get into that. Oh, my God. We should get into that. You should get into contracts. We should get a contract law.

Let's all quit and do something else. Oh my God. Should we? Should we start a company that does contracts? Yes! I think we'd be really good at it. Do contract on! That's fun stuff.

Do you need a contract? I think this show just becomes an ad for our contract business. It still goes for two hours every week. Around this time, Temerjin developed a close friendship with a guy called Jammuka, or Yamukkah, another boy of aristocratic descent. The secret history notes that they exchange. knuckle bones and arrows as gifts and swore the underpact, which is the traditional oath of Mongol blood brothers when they were just 11.

Are we not their own knuckles or are they exchanging their own knuckles? I don't. It must not be. Yeah. Because that would be crazy. Knuckles of people they've slain or something. Yeah. It's just a collective.

Hey, this is my brother that I killed. It's knucklebone. Now, free from captivity. When he was 15, Tamerton was able to marry the girl his father had betrothed to him all those years earlier. Bort! Bort! We love you, Bort. I love you, Bort. Ah, this is my wife, Bort.

So he married it. I mean, that's kind of appropriate, right? Bort. I married at 15. I've got 10, so 15's pretty good. This is pretty good. But Bort was soon kidnapped by the Merkets. In retaliation for Jengis's father who had abducted his mother years earlier from the Merkets. Okay.

And he's a bit like, well, I didn't want that either. She's my mom. Yeah. And now you're taking my wife. Fucking hell. Yeah. Too wrongs don't make it right, guys. Yeah, two kidnappings don't make a right.

Yeah. Meerkats. Whatever your name was. Oh, Merkets. Merkats. Who? Ah, meerkats. But I'm also thinking Merkin.

Merkin, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not unfortunate. It's not picturing mere cats with Merkans. We should make. a children's book. M. Mere Cats with Murkins.

We are having so many good business ideas today. Yes, we are. Should we just be a business podcast? Yes! Let's just be a business generator. Oh, great. Do they? Business podcast?

Yeah. Do they? Hi, TikTok, it's me, Dave. We should give out like finance advice. Yeah, and tell people about how to hustle. Yes. Get up early. Yep.

I work 16 hours before 6 a.m. Before breakfast. And then I start my second day of the day. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I get four hours of sleep. My second day of the time.

And I'm on heaps of steroids. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. That's living. Yes. Here's the thing. And I spend most of my time inspiring.

I know we've, I know we've derailed a lot today. I can imagine you're not even like, you're like a quarter of the way through. Ah. Not even? No, actually, it's probably about 25 cents. We're going to do, so a quarter.

Fucking hell. That was a weird. Unbelievable. Man. over there. No, I was trying to agree with you, but I just, uh, misspoke. Please, please continue with your derelant. Unfucking unbelievable.

But you know, when, um, I think of a, like a, I think Billy Connolly said something along these lines of like, you know, people saying you should switch to like a whole grain bread instead of white bread. Because, you know, it'll, it'll add years to your life. And he's like, yeah, but at the end of my life, like, I don't give you. So sometimes when I get like, TikToks that are just like, do this, this and this and cut out sugar and never have this. and, you know, because it'll add to your life.

And I'm like, yeah, but at the end, I don't care. I'd rather have, I'd rather have a really good time for a shorter amount of time. You know what I mean? Whoa. I agree with that too. Yeah. And that's why we have cocaine for lunch. Yeah, yeah.

Cocaine Fridays. Which is every day. We go every day Friday. Yeah, every day, because we wanted to have a fun, like, free dress kind of vibe. That's why Jess is able to work 16. hours before breakfast, just because our one day is seven days. She's actually quite lazy. Breakfast is like four days in.

Yeah. Did you want to go on? Yeah. So his wife bought has just been kidnapped by the Merkins. Or Merkins. To get his wife back, Temergin appealed to Togrul, who ruled another tribe, and also his childhood friend slash blood brother, Jamoka, who had by this point also become chief of his own tribe.

So he reaches out to two powerful friends, says, hey, I need help getting my wife back. Okay. Both chiefs were willing to field armies of 20,000 warriors. She's pretty good, isn't it? Well, I'll end you, 20,000 men, no worries. And with Jumacher in command, the battle was easily won, and Temergen's wife bought, was rescued. How much effort are you two going to if I'm kidnapped? I don't think I can do 20,000 soldiers.

$20,000? We don't know 20,000 people. It's true. Let alone the 20,000 soldiers. We'd have to get on the pod and say, hey, everyone. Jess has been kidnapped. We need a bunch of you to, like, be soldiers. They wouldn't do anything?

I reckon they would. Do I reckon? We get a few. We got a lot of psychos. What, you want me to fight a war? I'm in. Get me in. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Well, good to know. Yeah, we'll do that for you, for sure, for sure. We could assemble an army. So, sorry, you're just saying, I'm kidnapped and you're doing the podcast, is what you're saying. Yeah. What, to save you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we'd still tell a story from history. Of course. Gotta give the people what they want. Still coming up with a business idea. We'll still, you know, sit back and research a topic for a week. Before, you know, record the episode where we try and save it, which might not come out for a month, depending on where we are on the cycle.

Yeah, we wouldn't bump it forward to get the message out there. You wouldn't record a pre-roll or anything to go on previous episodes. Yeah, hey, Jess. Oh, if you listen to this, we really should save. We know you've been kidnapped. And if anyone else hearing this, she's probably fine by now because it's been four weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the time you're hearing this.

We assume. And we, yeah, we don't know, I don't think we should waste pre-rolls on things that aren't letting people know about tours. Yeah, that's true, actually. Yeah. Because I'll, you know, if people start skipping over it because we're using and abusing that space. Then that's a bad business decision. Just, oh, Jess is missing. Yeah.

I forgot the milk today. Yeah. You know that sort of stuff. Yeah, no, I didn't know what you mean. Yeah, that's fair enough. Things that equivalently don't mean much. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just going to have a little time out then on the mic.

And Dave, please do go on. Honestly, forgetting the milk, you know, that is. That can ruin your day. That can ruin a day. Jessica, missing that could put a dent in the day. Yeah. If it's a Thursday where we have to record. Yeah, yeah.

And they're like, great. And we're going to get a last minute guest instead of having... Hopefully, Mesa's free. Yeah. So Bort was rescued. Great. Must be nice for Bort. But she was pregnant when she returned and soon gave birth to a son named Yoki, who I mentioned at the start, although Temergin raised him as his own questions over his true paternity followed.

Okay. And they continue throughout his whole life. In total, Temergin abort had four sons and five daughters together. That's so many kids. So many kids. How many kids is that? Nine. That's too many kids.

Do you want to, as a percentage? Yeah. Do you know, um, so sober. Dad, do you know. Do you know about the time frame? Like, it's a bit blurry. I think he was, the wife bought was away for quite a while. Like nine-ish months or?

Yeah, came back. So it was, I think it was a bit like, ooh. Away for seven months, maybe. Away for 10 months? Getting unlikely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I know science, and I do. Or she was like kidnapped from the wedding.

Yeah. And then came back pregnant. You'd be like, mm-hmm. I think it's, whispers about it, but then if Genghis or Genghis ever heard it, it would be like, are you questioning my son? And then, you know, people are like, no, no, no, no, no.

Of course not. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow, wow. It looks just like you. It's a beautiful boy. Lovely boy. The followers of Temogen and his blood brother, Jamika, camped together for a year and a half, during which their leaders reforged their underpact and slept together under one blanket,

according to the secret history. That's how close they were. Okay. They shared a blanket. Sure. I hope it's a big blanket because that would be really annoying. We would never share a blanket. What? Nah.

You can go fuck yourself. What it was really big. How big? The size of two beds. Yeah, okay. But don't hog. I never. I never would.

But all good things must come to an end, including the beautiful blanket sharing friendship between two Blood Brothers, Temergen and Jamika, who had a falling out possibly over a cryptic remark made by Jamika, on the subject of where they should camp. We don't know, but Temergin split and started gathering his own following. So it's probably some sort of offhand comment that broke up this friendship. And this is one of the things that's like, wow, this changed the world.

The secret history writes that heaven and earth had agreed that Temergin should be lord of the empire, which is very much a thing you write in hindsight. There was a power struggle, and Temergen actually lost a battle with Jamika. and there's a few lost years when Temergen may have disappeared over to China for a while. Not 100% sure what he was doing over there, but he came back and started gathering more followers. His frenemy Jamika was particularly brutal, allegedly boiling 70 prisoners alive. Don't like that. And also humiliating the corpses of leaders who had opposed him.

No detail of what that is if it's like, you're so stupid, you're stupid corpse. He's putting them in really unflattering outfits. Like just not good for their colouring, their body shapes. It's all a bit small or too big. It looks terrible in orange. Oh, that would be so humiliating. What a prick. And his now opponent, Temergen, proved to be a great leader both militarily and as

unifying force. He took down his enemies one by one and with a mix of diplomacy, generosity and his own brutality, let's be honest, to those that defied him. According to World History.org, he managed to use. unify most of the different nomadic tribes, which roamed the grasslands of Central Asia, each one composed of different but related clans by creating a web of alliances between them. So it's pretty good. They're getting people to agree to follow him. And this is all come about because he had to start, he had to fetch his wife.

Is that kind of right? Well, it's part of the reason. He had to pick up his wife. They had to pick up his wife. Yeah. And that got the army thing going. Yeah. People were like, well, you're really good at this. Yeah. Maybe you should be a leader and then he split with his mate and started getting his own army. And people were like, we like you better than him. So he started stealing followers.

And eventually, you know, there was one final showdown between Tamergen and his old friend Jamika who faced off in what is called the Battle of the 13 sides. Timurgeon won the battle and Jamika was betrayed and captured by his own men who submitted him to Temogen. And due to laws which Timurgeon came up with, one of which is never betray your Khan, he had the men who he had the men who he, handed over Jamika immediately executed. Oh my God. He's like, I can't trust. He couldn't trust you, so how can I? Yeah. You're out. And they're a bit like, we've made a horrible choice. Wow.

Jamika, however, was given a choice to live and join Temergen, but he instead requested to die at his blood brother's hands. He's like, I don't, I don't want to submit to you and make you the supreme leader. I'd rather die. Wow. Yeah, hard to submit. Yeah, me too. I'd be like, yeah, man, I'm good. Yeah. Am I cool to go out the back year? Can I just hang at HQ?

Yeah. I'll just be at the yurt. Where do you need me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mongols didn't believe in spilling blood of royalty or nobility, and thus Jamika was executed, quote, without spilling any blood. Often they'd seal them up in a box where they'd suffocate or throw them in a river in a sack or something like that. Have them rolled up in a carpet and trampled by horses.

Awful stuff. But no blood. But no blood. Yeah, yeah. I think getting trampled by horses is pretty bloodless. Yeah. That's nice. The carpet sakes it all up

It's a lovely carpet. We didn't spill any blood. No. We got a very absorbent rug. We didn't see any blood. It's all wrapped in that carpet. With his enemies vanquished and now the sole remaining leader of the step,

a large assembly called a cool rule tie was held in 1206 and it was at this place that Temergin adopted the formal title of Jenghis Khan. He was declared the ruler of all those who dwelt tense. The nomads of this world

they all lived in these similar tents. So he was like, I'm in charge of everyone here now. And everyone's like, yay. Being an all-powerful ruler of a million people, the Great Khan put into action social reforms and ensured unconditional loyalty to him. He knew he needed a structure if he was to hold an empire together and prevent it from fracturing as it always had in the past. According to Wiki, to break any concept of tribal loyalty,

Mongol society was reorganized into a military decimal. system. Each man between the age of 15 and 70 was conscripted into a mincad, which is unit of a thousand soldiers, which was further divided into units of hundreds and then tens. The warriors of defeated tribes were dispersed to different units to make it difficult for them to ever rebel as a single body. So you go over there, you go over there, you go over there, so you can't ever come together and rise up. You're now just one of a thousand or one of a hundred. Very smart. This was intended to ensure the disappearance of old tribes. identities replacing them with the loyalty to the great Mongol state.

It is funny. Like, in today's, if that was happening here, you'd be like, oh, that's fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to get rid of, like, races and... Yeah. But this guy, genius. Very clever. One of his other social reforms was his belief in meritocracy, rewarding people based on their

skills and loyalty, not just their birthright. He did definitely give his children positions of power, but he also rewarded and respected those with loyalty, skills and intelligence that he could use. The Karns ministers and commanders came from some 20 different nations. The most famous example comes from the aftermath of the Battle of the 13 sides that I just mentioned earlier. During the battle, Jenghis himself had his horse shot out from underneath him by an arrow. And after the battle was...

Shot at? Shot out. Yeah, I heard shot out. I was thinking a cannon? That was, I was like, this has been boring so far. But this is about to get... Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah.

Now we're getting to his cannon shooting horse phase. No, I was in. He was riding the horse and then it got shot and he was thrown off the horse. Or possibly he was shot himself with the arrow, but it would be embarrassing for him to admit that. So he said, I got... My horse got shot. And after the battle was one, he asked his foes, who was the man that shot me with the arrow? And a man stepped forward and said, I did it.

And Jengis admired the bravery of such a person. Then the man said, if Jenghis spared him, he would pledge his life to serve the great Khan. Jenghis accepted and gave the man the title or name of Jebe, which means Arrow. Oh. Okay, that's pretty cool. Jebebe rose to the ranks to become one of Jengis's greatest and most loyal military generals. He's been described as the greatest cavalry general in history for his unorthodox and daring manoeuvres. Wow.

Yeah, so he just saw... He came up with the figure eight. He's the first guy on horseback to do the figure eight in battle. And people going like, where's he going? It's so unpredictable. He's on the loop to loop. No, he's turned around. He's going back the other way.

What the fuck is he doing? Yeah, never got defeated. Amazing. He's own soldiers. Yeah, yeah. His own soldiers are like, why is he coming back here? Yeah, no one knew what was going to do next. It's all part of it.

But if they paid any attention, it was the same thing over and over. Yeah, yeah. Whoop, bo, whoop. Is it him that did the flying V as well? He was, yeah, he tripled deep. Solo flying V? Yeah. Oh my God, he's coming up me in a V formation.

How is he doing it? Mighty Ducks was actually based on his life. They changed a lot of things through the pre-production process. Yeah, Hollywood rewrites. Yeah, yeah. It went from a guy on a horse back in the 1200s to underprivileged kids playing ice hockey with Mr. Bombay, who was sentenced by a judge to coach a little league hockey team. So, yeah, I mean, you can see now that I've said,

You can probably see. Yeah, but the original writer still accepted the Oscar nomination for best screenplay. Yes, best adapted screenplay from the book. None of the thing that he wrote. Made it. Yeah, yeah. Made to the big screen. None of it made it.

He was at the premiere going, where are the horses? Sydney Sean Beard got involved. We need a hockey team. We got a hit. Give me a hockey team. You got a hit. Another innovation was the development of a postal system, horse riding couriers could quickly carry messages across long distances

and who were provided with regular stations for food, rest and a change of horse. I think it's like every 30 miles or so they'd have another post and like it would just be delivered in a series of these 30 mile increments. Basically, inventing the postal system, this turned out to be hugely beneficial during military campaigns across the vast step, which became so big, and apparently this is like revolutionary, but like it would still take like a month to get a letter from one side all the way to the other, even though they would sometimes, someone would ride 30 miles, deliver it a new person

30 miles, just constantly, 24-7, but it would just take so long because that's how big the empire became. And you said before, and the largest contingent? Are contiguous? Does that mean like one continent? Yeah, it's all in one. One, like with the British Empire, I might have been bigger, but. British Empire pips it because it's across multiple continents and countries, yeah.

But if it wasn't for the Brits, be the biggest ever. Wow. That's wild. It's huge. Yeah. The Mongols were shamanistic themselves, believing that the spirits of nature and their ancestors inhabited the world around them. They believed in the god Tengri, the blue sky or eternal heaven.

And this protector god was thought to have given the Mongols their right to rule the entire world. But having said that, Jenghis Khan is famous for allowing religious freedoms in his empire, which was to grow so large, It encompassed many religions. He was like, as long as you're loyal to me and pray for me, then you can believe whatever you like. Okay. I think that's good. Yeah, that's nice.

Pray to what, yeah. You pray to all the gods, all your gods. Yeah, yeah. For me. For me. On my behalf. That's great for me. That's cool.

Hedge in my best. It totally is so British historian David Morgan wrote, The Mongols believed in taking out as much celestial insurance as possible. I might be, you know, barking up the wrong tree here. But if you're, you know, possibly going up the right, one of you all sort of getting a good word in for me with the real God. Yeah. I appreciate that.

Yeah. So as long as you're all praying for me, we're all good. I like that. And we ask that all religious people pray for the pot. Of course. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Pray on behalf of the pod.

And for the pod. Yep. And to the pod. To the pod. Thank you. Thank you. Amen. To your God about our pod.

He also instituted a list of laws called the Yasser that governed both society. in battle, and the punishment for going against the Yasser was often death, so people were held to account. Yeah. Mostly out of fear, I would say. But yeah, but still, you know, they were held to account. One of the elements that made the Mongols so effective was their military, which was like the best. They were unstoppable.

Initially, it was based around horse-mounted arches. However, as the army went there, would recruit new people from different backgrounds and be like, great, you're fighting with us now. We love what you do. Oh, cool. So you can't ride a horse, but you can ride a dolphin. We can use that. We can use that.

Yeah, that's the Navy now. Dolphin Navy. Pretty cool. That will, like, how do you beat it? You can't beat a dolphin? You can't beat a dolphin. Shark. Shark army.

Oh my God. Mosquito Army. Yes. With mosquito army. You can't ride a horse, but you can ride a mosquito. That's way more impressive. If you could train like a thousand mosquitoes to all get together and fly you around. Does anyone try that?

Do you reckon a thousand? thousand to be enough? I don't think that's enough. And I don't think they can, like, because ants can carry what, like, some insane. Like 100 times their bodyware or something? Yeah, I don't think mozzies can do that. So how many do you reckon? What do we need it?

Billion. Yeah. For one person? Yeah. Mozzie's a very small, Dave. I'm also quite small. Sure. Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I thought you meant a person. A regular person. Billion for an average person, $1,000 for a day. Yeah, thousand for a day. It's a big different state. That's quite a different. I am one. thousands of most people. No, it's even more than that. I'm one million. But it all started on horseback.

The Mongols, like I said earlier, they're incredible horse riders. They're doing it since they were born, both being taught to ride by the women of the society. He also themselves are incredible riders. Everyone's a great rider. They're awesome. The horses their road were tough and perfectly suited to traveling the step, those little chunky guys we saw before. And the riders were pretty badass themselves and they could ride all day long and cover vast distances, which surprised and shocked their enemies. They moved away faster than any other army. Because most armies have like a supply train that has to go with them.

Right. But the Mongols, they're able to travel and live off the land. So they don't have to wait for anyone. They could all just travel as fast as a horse. That's pretty fast. So it's way fast than anyone else in society at the time. And each rider had up to 16 spare horses or remounts with them. What?

So they could swap horses. all day long, you'd have a, you'd fang it on one horse for a few hours and then you have your backup horse. But that, each rider had 16 backup horses. Up to 16 horses, yeah. But then the horse that you've just, like, just got off because you're like, well, this one's fanged it as hard as it can. It's still with you.

So it still has to keep running. So it's a bit tired, but it's not been traveling with like, you know, 100 kilo man. It's back of the packs. And all the packs and all that sort of stuff, yeah. That's insane. And also. Do you not find, like, you know, Like, here's my one horse and that's my 16 spare horses.

It's crazy, isn't it? And often they'd get to a battle and they'd ride out with one horse, and then they'd come back and be like, hey, you're up, and then get on a fresh horse. And their enemies, they've only got one horse. They're like fucking Jay Leno with all these cars. He's got like an airplane hanger, thank you, filled with cars. They're just like, all right, well, what horse am I going to take today?

That's crazy. That's my everyday horse, and that's my weekend horse. Sometimes in the army that have like, you know, 80,000. Guys, imagine they all had 16 horses. How many horses are coming? That's too many horses! Why not just have also spare soldiers for all of them, right? So that's how I'd do it.

We do it in shifts. Fifteen of us, chilling. One out the front, fight in the good fight. Yeah. And we just let us know, you look, you're doing great. Yeah, give us a wave when you need us. Yeah, when you need a sub. Yeah.

It might need to be a shake because some of us are nodding off. Yeah. I'm having a nap over here. Yeah, but, I mean, the way these thick horses get about rocking me to sleep. That's actually, that's broken my brain a little bit, the 16 backup horses. Yeah, how do you wrangle them? If they all had 16. No, apparently they were so well trained at the horses that they would follow them like dogs.

Okay, well, speak for your own dog. Okay, my dog's so, okay. They were all well trained like a well-trained dog. Okay, thank you. Which he is afraid of. Yeah, it just follows you, sure. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't get distracted by a son. smell.

Doesn't go, I want to live with them now. Yeah. Doesn't go, that person knows treats. Bye. Just runs off and disappears. Yours doesn't go, I'm a bit warm. I might just jump in that river for a bit, even though I can't get out of the river because I've got small legs.

Does your dog do a lot of sniffing or have you given it a sniff limit? Because I know some people do that with dogs. Is that episode of who knew what come out by this time? I think so. That's a classic Dave Wonachie tweet from 2015. A good year, Dave Wornike. I think that'll be episode 1-1-1

She talked about on Who knew it with Matt Stewart With Jess Perkins Zachary Rowan Miss Whitchip A lot of fun But yeah You gotta limit the sniffs

You gotta limit the sniffs You can't get anywhere Yeah Just blow sniffing It's like alright You got one more After this So don't waste it

Yeah Enjoy it My wife's got a family friend Who heard it in a radio interview once And that like Still talks about it That Dogs need a certain amount of sniffs

Per day Or they could get depressed Oh my God. Whoa. And I can't remember how many of it is. But that's so funny that I'm back of the day, I'm putting a sniff limit down. But whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We need to raise the sniff limit.

Yeah, we need to increase the ceiling. I think of it like it's his social media. Oh, okay. Like it's how he's kind of like seeing what's happening in the neighborhood, seeing who's been at this tree. Oh, right. You know? So I'm like, oh, fair enough.

I have already had a bit of a scroll on social media this morning. You can have your social media. I've had it referred to as a wee mail. Oh, that's good stuff. That's good stuff. Better fun. But now I'm concerned I'm rushing him too much because usually we're walking to get coffee

and you know what I'm like when I haven't had my coffee. Oh my God, right now. Exactly. And so I'm like, all right, let's go. Let's wrap this up. Am I making my dog depressed? Probably. Oh.

According to this radio interview. It doesn't feel good. According to this radio interview that Dave heard about third hand. He's literally third hand. It's very funny. So they're great horse riders. They've got heaps of horses. Very obedient horses that follow them all the time.

Great, lovely horses. They're also incredible arches. Again, training from a young age to fire large and powerful compound bows. They could shoot far and wide. They could fire up to 12 arrows a minute. What? Which is what? Every five seconds.

Yeah, you see it like, so you're sort of doing it like, um, Hawkeye. Hawkeye. But apparently I've seen TikToks or whatever saying that from real arches, they're like, that's not possible. there's something he's doing wrong or something. And then other artists in the comments, of course, I don't know if you've been on TikTok, say, actually, no, I think what he's doing,

if you are using the swift and old European technique, then that is totally legitimate or whatever. And how do those people feel about the Hulk and Thor, the God of Thunder and Captain America, who was injected with a serum and now, like, can't die or something? Oh, Matthew, you wouldn't be that shade of green. I think it would be a darker shape of anything. I know they say, well, my speciality is archery.

I'll step aside and let the scientists take over this, but I do have some dance about... Like I understand... Like, okay, watching a movie recently that was set in Sydney and they leave to go pick up flowers for the wedding and they've gone back into the city to pick up flowers and we're like, why are they going into the city to buy flowers when they're clearly staying out in Bronte?

Like, that's one thing because that was... It's unnecessary. There's no florist. nearest. Yeah, like that's a fair enough criticism. No, but it's a movie that's like not fantasy. Do you what I mean? But when you're watching the Avengers going like,

Oh, you do genuinely think what you said was worth saying out there? Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it worth making that 12 minute video about it? If you see here, I've just got on Google Maps, there was at least four florists within one kilometer of them in Bronte. You're adaptive, go on. So these are the real, these are the real.

They're all hawk eyes on horseback. And we have no problems with hawk eyes. We have no issue with that. Oh, great, great, good. We think 12. I thought I'd say something wrong because I haven't seen any of those movies. No, we're saying 12 a minute is fine and normal. And there were such good arch as they could shoot a bird out of the sky.

They're incredible. They're trained to also time their arrow shots to be taken in the brief second whilst their galloping horses' hoofs were all off the ground. Wow. They can, like, timer. Isn't that? That's amazing. Unbelievable.

That's like that, it still blows my mind that they figured out how to, uh, like in Second World War, I guess make the guns shoot between the propellers. Unbelievable. Yes.

But that's a machine. These are humans. Yeah. But still, I still can't believe that. But still, I still can't believe that. Yeah.

Wild. And the soldiers were crazy loyal, mostly because of the laws I mentioned before. They had no option. Yeah. The strict code that governed them to work together with their unit. If one person from a unit retreated early,

all 10 were executed. Shit. If one mong-or... If you don't own up, we all stay in at lunch, all right? Who through that? Who through that? Except it's...

If you don't own up, we're all dead. Yeah, we're all dead. I'll kill all of you. And if you do own up, well, I know who it is. So you're old. That's true. And if you dobs someone in,

I don't trust you, you're dead. So, if you dobs someone in, I don't trust you're dead. Would it be fair to say that it was a pretty stressful time to live? I was wondering, because sometimes you go, geez, a pretty brutal leader, but got everything going, were things good? Was it a good place to live, but maybe not? Yeah, I mean, well, they won a lot of battles and got a lot of loot, treasure. What's the happiness scale? Did they do those sort of happiness scales back then?

Yeah, the happiest city in the world. Yeah, really? Whoa. Wow. And they didn't even live in cities. Yeah. That's not bad. Maybe that's the key.

Nomad. Vagabond. Don't live in a city. Don't live in a city. Don't live in a city. God, a city will just drain you. If one Mongol was captured and the rest of the unit didn't attempt to rescue him, all executed. If one Mongol goes into battle harder than the others and the rest don't follow?

Harder? Yeah. So it's like, you're fighting. If one, like, goes, you know, in. Fully erect. If you all have to be. One in all in. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, man. Painful. You don't want to be a stage fight guy, do. Yeah, yeah. I really have to have more of an emotional connection. So, wait, is the person who goes in harder than everyone else? Are they punished or is everyone else punished?

Everyone else head cut off. Because it's like, hey, you should, he's brave. Why wasn't everyone else brave? You should follow them. So it means that whoever, the bravest everyone has to lift it. They're always pushing. I guess if you think I'm guaranteed to be killed if I don't step up here. Yeah, you may as well.

I may as well. I'd be made of all have a go, a go, because I'm not guaranteed to be killed by the enemy. Not a bad system. Not a bad system. You'd be rolling off that hill. I'd be rolling up that hill. I'd be rolling up that hill. I'd be like, my horse, I'd be riding that the opposite direction. I'm good.

Sorry, the horse is doing it. Your 16 horses. My 16 horses and I would go off. You couldn't quietly retreat. You've got a herd coming with you. That's a great thing. Like, if you lost a few men, what happens to their 15 spare horses? They just keep following because they're very loyal, apparently.

Definitely don't go in the river. They all get put in a box as well. They don't believe in spilling horse blood. Actually, they did. Okay. Because they made an alcoholic drink out of horse milk. Sorry. That's how they'd survive off and off the land.

There's nothing to eat. They just have horse milk. They milk the horses. They have that. But they'd also cut the horses, drain a bit of their blood, mix it with the milk. Now you've got an iron-rich supplement. Oh, it's a cocktail. Yeah.

So they did bleed their horses to survive. Do you watch After Party? I feel like maybe they, that, um, what's that? Uh, it was a, uh, uh, like a murder mystery show, comedy murder mystery. But anyway, I think in the second season, I think they brought that alcoholic horse milk to drink at the wedding. Oh, wow. I might be making that up and he spewed it all up.

Of course. Funny stuff. Funny stuff. I did like the show. I'm, yeah. Love a murder mystery comedy. Me too. And I've started to get in a horror comedies as well.

I watched... Absolutely not. Totally. What was it called? It was like a time travel. It was sort of like back to the future and a slasher. Well, not really a slasher, but, you know, like a guy on a mask killing people. I don't really know horror terms, but that was fun.

Okay, I've just looked at the after party and that is an all-star cast. Yeah, you haven't seen it. I think you really enjoy it. I'll give that a watch. Two seasons, I think, so far. Okay. Yeah, what's the main go? He's from Detroiters.

Sam. Sam? Could well be. Could be. Anyway. Sam Richardson. Thank you. Sam Richardson.

So there is perfect fighting machine that worked together so cohesively and so quickly with such ferocious discipline that they often destroyed enemies with way more troops than they have. Kind of like often outnumbered. Yeah. Right. Just because they believed. Yeah. They knew failure was not an option. Yeah.

Well, we better succeed here. They never outhorsed. Never. Never our horse. Too many fucking horses. That's stressing me out, the number of horses. Too many horses. Too many.

But, you know, like they live on the step, there's a vast grasslands. There's plenty of food. The horses can always feed. And they're feeding off the horses. Yeah. It's a great system. They're supping of the horses' teats. I couldn't even name, like, if I had 16 horses and I had to come up with names for all

them. You've famously, your favorite website is a horse name generator. Jess, if anyone was going to be able to do that, it'd be you. Oh, God. How am I going to come up with 16 names? I think I know. You know, it's your favourite website. Yeah, you talk about it a lot.

All the time. I think I know what we're going to do at the end of the episode. Yep. I thought you were going to say, and I was about to agree with you, I wouldn't even know how to find a horse's teeth. Oh, yeah, where would have you ever? Where's the teeth? I'm like a cow.

They're dangling there. Yeah. I've never, where do you get the milk from? horse. I don't want to Google that breasts. That horse

has a beautiful rack. That is a stacked horse. Look at the cancel that horse. Oh my God. Not their value

but oh my my god. God, I can't stop looking at that horse. That's not natural. Somebody got that horse a sports bra. It's going to do.

It's back. Yeah, the straw that broke the camel's back. The rack that broke the horse's back. That's what you thought I was going to say and you were ready to agree with me.

I'm like, yeah, I'm like, how are they getting the milk out of these horses? You haven't stopped thinking about it. But I guess that's out like everything. They would, they must have nipples. Do they have like pigs sort of like a row of nipples? Yeah, like dogs. You know, Dave? You're looking at me.

Dave? I mean, I did look up the mongol horse, but I didn't look too much. The nips. About where the nips were. Like, didn't get the diagrams up. Has anybody ever, like, commented on your dog having nipples? Uh, no. My dad has.

He was like, why has he got nipples? I was like, do you have nipples, dad? He was like, oh. Never mind. What's this? What's this on him? Oh, my God. He's his nipples, dad.

Why is he, what's your boy dog? Why has you got nipples? Why do you have nipples dad? Huh. End of that. And that was when you found out your dad doesn't have nipples. Flat, fully flat. Fully flat.

Perfectly flat. There's a real Ken doll, my dad. Oh, my gosh. So add in the advanced military. strategy, which they were governed, you've got an unbeatable army. Jenkins has been called a military genius, as is his primary military strategist, a guy called Subatai, regarded by some military historians as the single greatest military commander ever.

Wow. Another example of the meritocracy, Subatai had been the low-born son of a blacksmith and worked his way up to General, who overrun more territory than any other commander in history. He led over 20 military campaigns and won 65 out of 65 pitch. battles against 32 different nations. So he kept coming up. It's like sometimes they're also on horseback.

Sometimes they're knights. Sometimes they've got a tank. Yeah. And every time he's like, all right, I'll come up all the way to beat him. Sometimes they're on horseback. Sometimes they're knights. What are the knights? I was in the enemy.

Yeah. So sometimes that he's like similar to their own army. Right. And they're better than. What kind of knights? You know, like European knights. Right. Fully in armor.

Yeah, yeah. With swords. Standing side by side with shields. men of honour. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, all right. So he's coming up from, yeah, just around the world. Because of where they are, it's like every side is like a totally different.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, and everyone has. Civilisation and different armies, different cultures. And every time the Mongols are like, okay, I don't, we'll come up with the way to deal with it. Yeah, and it's crazy. Something I hadn't thought about was when you said, son of a blacksmith, I'm like, imagine being a nomadic blacksmith. The kind of gear you'd have to lug around with you.

You got anvil on the back Yeah Imagine every time You're like Oh we're moving Okay No worries Yeah great

Perfect Well it'll take me Three weeks To pack up this Yeah Oh you're leaving today Yeah cool Yeah no worries

I'll catch up And then in the tent next year There's like a weaver That's like yep I'm good Good to go All good All good

Okay I go Okay I can be like You fucking hate that weave A piece of shit It's fucking stupid So smug

My loom is so I've got a travel loom So they had these amazing tactics The Mongols often employed the feigned retreat Where a group of horseback soldiers Would almost suicidally race into battle Against a larger army And then appear to retreat when they were losing

The bigger army would then turn and follow them And the Mongols who were the best archers in the world Would turn around on their horses Whilst it was riding And fire arrows backwards And their enemies A tactic that's often called The Parthian shot

Made famous by the Parthians and ancient Iranian people. That is good stuff. Would they have been, have they just independently come up with this? Or did they study like other armies? No, they just come up with it. I think it's separate that they've come up with this.

But this is like, they don't have saddles or stirrups or anything like that. They're bareback on a horse and they can turn around whilst it's fully galloping and accurately mow down the enemy with arrows. It's crazy. And you were saying Khan is a literary, can't read?

Can other members of his crew can they read? Do they know much about, you know, world history and stuff? No, no, not really. But he would recruit people from the different societies. Gotcha. The reason that the history of the Mongols is the oldest surviving Mongol text is, in the society, no one could really read or write, but he saw the value in writing down your history for the empire.

So he actually got, I think it was the Mongol, the first language, they got the Uyghurs who are another group in the area to come up with an alphabet to write down the Mongolian language. Wow. So, yeah, and even though he couldn't read and write it himself, that he would get scholars to write stuff down. And he'd borrow a bit from the society, borrow a bit from the society. Very multicultural guy.

The same sort of tactics with the scholars that he had in, like if you don't get a new letter by the end of the day, you're dead. You're dead. But if one of you gets a letter, everybody else has to also get a new letter or you're all dead. So really, if we don't have an alphabet, By the end of the day, you're dead. You're all dead.

Yeah. So it took years because they kept failing. Lost a lot of good scholars. And a lot of duds. Yeah, actually, to be honest, mostly duds. Mostly duds. So he's got this shit hot army, but to keep everyone happy,

the great Khan had to get plunder and loot to pay everyone with. Of course. Everyone wants their treasure. Taylor's oldest time. What do they love? Yeah, great, I'd love to work for you, but I still want to get paid. Yeah, you get through all the hoops to stay. to survive.

Yeah. And then at the end, you're like, now I need my cash. You ask the cash, you're dead. I got mouths to feed. Yeah. You know, I got 16 horses. That's a lot of horse mouths.

That's a lot of horse. That's crazy. So the Mongols... Imagine the vet bills. Oh, my gosh. The Mongols were finally ready to take their first steps outside of the step. Oh.

He enjoyed that a bit too much, didn't he? When I wrote it down, I thought, that almost works. But you thought the delivery on the day will really push it over the line. And the others will just silently respect you. You went all in. I loved it.

Yeah, me too. Big fan. Listeners won't know, but Dave Lenton, he led with his brow. They knew. They could feel it. I'm sure they could. So he eyed off the on-paper powerful Jin dynasty in China, who had recently got a new emperor called Yongji

that Jenghis did not like. When he was asked to submit and pay the annual tribute to Yongji, basically the jinns are the powerful people, and they're like, all right, you've got to pay up, you've got to pay us up. This is in 1210. Jengis instead mocked the emperor, spat and rode away from the Jin envoy,

which is the challenge that meant war. Oh, wow. Love that. Get on his horse and you rode over there. Hi, we're just here to collect your donation. So that's war. And I just write down, okay. War You've selected war

Declined donation war And like I said on paper That's a scary proposition The Jin Dynasty was huge And had a massive

600,000 person army About eight times more than the Mongols had But Genghis always had A knack for finding An enemy's weak spot Had heard that the state was racked by

Internal instabilities He also employed a type of psychological warfare According to world history Again The Mongols savagely sack a city and then retreat so that the gin could retake it, but then have to deal with the chaos. The tactic was even repeated several times on the same city. They'd come, do a little

raid, burn shit down, kill a lot of people and then disappear, and then the gin would have to come in and deal with it. And they'd do that over and over again, and it sort of wears down the morale of the everyday citizens. Another strategy was to capture one city, devastate it, murder every single citizen and then warn neighboring cities the same fate would before them if they didn't immediately surrender. It's like, hey, see what we did over there? We could do that to you. Or you could open.

Well, maybe you could make us an offer. What do you think? What would you like to do? Yeah. Because I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do. Because I'm pretty chill. Join us? Yeah. You want to join us?

You want to? Oh. Okay. Oh. I guess I'm open to that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Because if not, I'll kill you. Yeah. So. Grab a, grab a uniform. I've thought about my offer. See Janet in the uniform shop. Yeah. She's the best.

Grab 16 horses. Come join us. Yeah, okay, go. I love to the uniform shop at school. I don't know why. You like going in? Yeah. It's weird.

Yeah, and like, um... It's like, I liked getting something new, but it was also like it was a school uniform, so it was pretty boring. And you, new, um, like, uh, station and stuff. Oh. Oh, weird. Set of Derwants. Oh, and then my dad would sit at home with a little Stanley knife and cut off the end and then write my name on it. Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes. We all live the same. Oh my God. And like picking out contact paper every year of like what you wanted your books to look like and stuff. And then mum would spend hours. Binding that. Oh my God.

The best one I ever had was like white with sort of fluoro green sort of splats of paint. Fluor green, black and orange splats. Yes. Oh, man. It was the best. That's sick. Yeah. I ended up doing work experience for that company.

Because it was that good. Poses and contact paper. The big two. The big two. Holy shit. What was the first you. Hey, we're going to expand. We're going to do hoses.

I think everyone needs a hose. As good business as we are. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. How did she get involved with them like for the work? My uncle worked for it. Yeah, right. And, you know, my parents knew I wanted to work, you know, in the creative field.

So they got me in a hose factory. I want you to create a hose. Look at you now. Yeah. Look at you now. And in that week, you re-designed all hosts. Yeah, yeah. The modern hose.

That was Matt. This was in the 1400s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they used to be like, there's metal, metal bits now. It was all copper, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that. Love that.

You got the things that wind them up. Oh, so handy. Yeah, I remember when that came in. That was a big day. Big day for hoses. Big day for hoses. Big day. Put that at hosecon.

Yeah, yeah. The attachments that could do different kinds of sprays. Oh, my gosh. You could do a shower, you can do a jet. Yeah. You could do that little bubbler one that sort of fizzes out. It's like, who the hell one? What's this for?

Who's this for? Who's this for? Who's this for? It's like the cheese grater, you know? The sides are just useless. It's like that. They're like, we need to have one that no one wants just to make all the other ones look good. So they're attacking the Chinese in the Jin dynasty. These Chinese cities were often heavily fortified with the large defensive walls surrounding them.

This was a real barrier to the Mongol armies. They were not used to such fortifications. But they adapted and learnt on the job. often capturing Chinese siege experts who they added into their own army, making it easier over time to take the larger cities. Over time, what was once just a horse-based army was able to undertake the siege of large cities using catapults, ladders, burning oil, and even damning and diverting rivers to literally flush out their enemies.

Wow. So they just got better. Burning oil's brutal. It sounds nasty, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't do that myself. I just think... There's a note from me.

I think to me, that's where he stepped over that. that blurry ethical line into... Is it essential oil? Like, does it smell nice? Oh, it smells so nice. Oh, I'm up for that. That's nice. Essential burning oil.

Oh, I didn't... Yeah, it's okay. Love to do that. This is burning, it's sort of like... Like just a little candle underneath. Yeah, sorry. It's a water with oil in it and it just gives a nice smell. Sorry.

It's warm. It's warm. It's okay. I thought it was sort of like he was deep frying his enemies. No, no, no, no, no, no. Why would you do that? He was making the whole place smell like a, like an Indota spa. I'd be like, I want to join that side.

Yeah. That's how he won. It's not so calm in there. Oh, lavender. Oh, gorgeous, but eucalyptus, I feel like I can breathe. The gin suffered from internal fighting as well and eventually struck a piece deal with Jenghis paying him a tribute. Remember, they asked him for the tribute. Now he's reversed the table.

But when they moved their capital city further south, Jengis saw this as them regrouping so he launched further attacks on them. So they're overtime are pretty fucked. He also attacked the state Anyway, it was terrible Blahyad, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's getting a head a little bit. He also attacked the state of Xi Jha in northern China and the other Chinese state, the Song Dynasty, had the opportunity to team up with the Jin Empire and fight back.

Combine the two Chinese to go against them. But pretty short-sightedly, rather than team up with their local enemy against this now existential threat that had appeared on their doorstop and would create like a useful buffer. between them and the Mongols. So rather than team out with their enemy and be like,

we can take them out. They went with the old adage of the enemy of my enemy as my friend. And they took the side of the Khan. But would you believe it that by the time the Mongols were done with the Jin, they would eventually turn and go after the Song Dynasty as well. They made a bit of a fluid there. Whoa, we're friends. Yeah, we were friends.

And now the others are gone and we want your land as well. And now it's like, who am I going to war against? Yeah. Yeah. Like I defeated them. Okay, great. Now what? This is kind of my thing.

My business is war. Yeah, and business is good. Yeah. But I need things to war with and you're the next thing. You're next. Like, I've defeated everyone else. Unless you've got any other ideas. Yeah, what do you want me to do?

Start crocheting or something? Because I've kind of been thinking about that. Do you think I'd be any good at it? Can you teach me? Can you teach me? Is that what you're suggesting? Okay, well, I'm open to it. So the Mongols continued their attacks on China over the next decade

with around 90 cities being destroyed in 1212 and 1213 alone. A very destructive, you know, people. It's a lot of destruction. It's like there's a little bit in common with Alexander the Great. Yeah. Another top line. Just going around just destroying shit. Yeah.

But also like, you know, we're talking about them. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I think if there's any lesson here, if you want to be talked about. You want a legacy. Kill your brother. Kill your brother.

Destroy some cities. True. Can it be like in the Sims? Can I destroy Sim cities? Yeah, I think so. Great. That's always fun. That's fun.

A little earthquake. Yeah. See what I'll shake things up a bit. Okay, Godzilla. Do you have that? I think you never really played much of SimCity. I love it. You could also do a UFO.

Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. That's fun. That's fun. That would happen, right? Poo, pooh, yeah. They'd, like, maybe like make buildings disappear and stuff. Yeah.

Whoa. Very fun. That's fun. So they're, they're ransacking China. In 1215, Beijing was captured in the city burned for a full month. Wow. A lot of destruction. Jenghis Khan was on the brink of ruling over all of China,

but he turned part of his army southwest to the Quirismian Empire. Oh, this is his fatal mistake. Or he sacked another city. Could be either. It's exciting. This is present day Turkestan, Uzbekistan, Afghanistan and Iran. And he turned his army after an unfortunate incident. The Mongols sent a large caravan of merchants to trade in the Quarismian Empire. usually these merchants would be safe when on such missions

because both societies needed stuff so they traded a lot. But when they got to the Quirismian, which is an amazing word, border town of Otrra, the local governor decided to massacre the caravan under charges of espionage and just take all their stuff. That's not nice. And the Mongols were like, what the heck? And they sent an envoy of diplomats to the leader of the Quirisimian Empire, the Quirismian Shah, to try and avert war.

A bit like, explain what happened. Did you want this massacre to happen? If it wasn't like, on your orders, that's all good. Just let us take revenge on that, governor, and we're all good again. But the Chorismian Shah responded in the worst possible way and killed the entire envoy. Okay. I'm starting to think that they know what they're doing, you know? The first one, you know, fool me once.

Yes. But, you know, kill a second envoy. I'm starting to take this as a message. Of hostility. Can't get pulled again. Can't get pulled again. Whoa. So that feels like a mistake?

Yes, it's a choice I'm sure the Shah and his millions of subjects would regret as this pissed Jenghis off who sent his army over to royally fuck up their empire. First off, they started with Ortratt, the border town that the caravan of merchants had been massacred at. After a five-month siege, they broke through the walls of the city and utterly destroyed it.

The governor who had ordered the initial execution of the merchants was unfortunately for him captured alive. And according to some sources, he was killed by having molten gold and silver poured into his eyes and ears. Oh, geez, they are doing very well. If you're using gold... And silver.

To kill enemies, although they also like name kids, you know, like maybe... It's the ultimate tribute. The ultimate... Yeah, we're really... We're going to show you by making your corpse very expensive. It's beautiful.

Yeah, really pretty. It was apparently symbolism for his greed for killing and stealing from the merchants. They're like, oh, you like gold, do you? Well, how much do you like? I'm going to make you smoke the whole pack. I'll see here. I'll watch you. Drink the whole cup of gold.

So that's pretty brutal. From here, the Mongols split into groups and one by one took out the garrison cities of the whole Quarisman Empire. They elated the Shah, bewildered by the speed of the Mongol conquest. he was a bit like, I don't have to, who cares about this? I'd never really heard of them. Right. I don't, I don't need to really respect them. That's why he was like, and then they were like, did you order this thing?

Like, because if he did, because if he did, we'll launch war and he was a bit like, who the fuck are you? Yeah, yeah. And then a couple of years later, he's like, oh, my whole empire's gone. Oh, whoops. I regret that. Probably should have asked around. I really regret that. Should have asked China or, you know, any of the other.

Hey, who are these guys? They seem pretty serious. How he fled, but was close to. followed by the legendary generals I mentioned earlier, Jebe and Subatai, and they pursued the Chorismian Shah until he died from dysentery on a Caspian Sea island in the winter of 1220, probably ruining the day he pissed off Jenghis Khan. And it's during this invasion that Jenghis and the Mongols attained their reputation as ruthless, inhumane conquerors. It's hard to quantify both scientifically and also emotionally

the destruction that they unleashed. The cities of Harat, Nishapur and Merv, which were three of the larger cities in the whole world at the time were all completely laid to waste. Every town or city that resisted the Mongols destroyed. Often offered them a chance to surrender and submit to the Khan. And if they didn't, when the city fell, even if they were like, we give up now, they would kill every single person, man, woman, child, and sometimes animals too, all murdered. Well, he's afraid of dogs.

So that makes sense. So what would happen if they did submit? Well, if they did submit, which, like to me sounds like a, a good. better option knowing what they could do. They'd go great, but often they would employ you into the army and make you basically the human shields at the front of the army. So then they'd go to the next town over and when they needed to like try and batter down a wall or something, they'd send those people in first and they'd be the first ones to get

shot with arrows to keep the Mongols safe. Yeah. So they'd basically enslave you and risk your life anyway. Yeah, neither great options. It's not a great option. I don't know. Some part of me thinks that you're just better off. Why don't you just, you've got a nice thing going? Just stay where you are.

Be good to each other. Cherry Springham? Do you have to go around, like, laying waste to cities? That's why you live in a little bit later. Inside of you you need to deal with. I don't know. That's just what I'm saying, Jengis, maybe just look inward for a little bit. He did not do that.

Maybe take up crochet. Yeah. He'd declare water on Groucher. Give it a go. Because they'd take people out in a systematic way, cutting people's heads off with axes. This is a bit brutal, skipping if you don't want any of this, but each soldier was given a quota of enemies to execute according to circumstances. For example, after the conquest of Ergench, each Mongol warrior,

an army of about 20,000 troops, was required to execute 24 people or nearly half a million people per the army. And they'd be required to prove they'd kill their quota by cutting off an ear from each corpse, and then they put it in a big bag, which was then counted. Big bag, it is. Yeah, apparently there was like huge sacks full of ears. What? So you're cutting off one from each corpse? Yeah, I thought that too, but I'm pretty sure it would be like on.

Right is only. Because who put a left ear in here? Come on. That's only one. That's only one. Yeah, I'd be cutting off both. Yeah, double it up. See, I have to kill 12.

Sort of like when we did a walk-a-thon at school. And you'd get a stamp each lap you did. Okay. I'd go at the start of the long table of teachers, get a stamp, popping to get at the end, second stamp. That is brilliant. Good stuff. And you took one of each of theirs ears.

Yeah. Of course. So you got two ears per lap. Yeah. For proof. Yeah. Sorry, raised more money for charity. Yeah.

Oh, my bad. Sue me. Come on. Yeah, what a nonsense. Oh, teachers lost areas. Yeah, but money was raised. Okay. I had family members offer $1 per lap.

Yes. So you just doubled that. And I, and I, whatever, you don't have an ear. Yeah. And then your uncle gets a call saying, yeah, she did 780 laps. What the fuck? She's in grade three. I thought it'd be like five bucks.

And they thought, this kid's got a future. At the Olympics? Yeah. That's the Olympics, yeah. Right to the Olympic trials and you're like, at the Olympics, where's the stamps? Where's the stamps? How can I, how can I? Is this a stamp system?

How can I rig this? Who needs their ears? Who's got ears? Who's got ears? Is it the year system here? Same as at school? You use the ear system? Yeah.

You guys using the ear system? What are we doing? So it's brutal, often to make sure they got everyone after sacking a city and leaving it burning, they'd move on. But a few days later, the army would send back a small unit to take care of anyone that missed who might have been hiding the first time. So they wanted to kill everyone. And the death toll.

is staggering and still debated. Over the generations, it's estimated that somewhere between 20 and 60 million people were murdered by the Mongols. One estimate puts that at approximately 10% of the contemporary global population at the time. So that's between 37 and 60 million people were killed either during or immediately

after the Mongols' military campaign. Isn't that fucking... That's insane. I just can't get my head around those numbers. And they're doing it by hand. This is before, like, gunpowder and artillery have taken off. Just bombing things.

It's more people than World War I, and they're doing it with axes and swords. Wow. That's wild. Jess couldn't get a head around the numbers. How many MCGs? Oh, sorry, how many MCGs? Yeah, thank you.

Thanks, Matt. Thanks for looking out for me, because Dave never fucking does. I ask a question. I say, like, I'm struggling with this. I can't get my head around that number, and he's just like, I know, right? Fucking help me.

Apparently he has two ears still. Not for long, let me tell you that. If it was a 60 million, 600 MCGs. Okay. That is a lot. That is a lot. More than twice everyone in our country gone.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's a fair few. And that's not even counting animals. Yeah, which they killed plenty of those too. Yeah, I'm starting to think these, you know, it's hard. It's funny because there's a lot of time goes by, but you're like, if someone did that today,

they'd be like a bad person. That's a real piece of two. But, you know, it happens to Alexander the Graeme. Genghis Khan, whoa. Were they great leaders? Amazing leaders. They were psychos. Yeah, yeah, they killed so many people.

Yeah. Like the British Museum has all this stuff from around the world. They're evil. But Genghis can't. That man, you know? A hero. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

We'll put him in our comedy movie, Bill and Ted. A bit of fun. A bit of fun. If King, whoever from England was fucked and they were, I'm saying it. So was Gengis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dave. Well.

I'm sorry, Dave. Dave is crushed. They're not the only people doing this time. Dave is crushed. Dave is very upset. Pretty much anyone from the past. Stop crying, Dave. I'm canceling them.

That's it. Oh, no. But I was born in the past. One day will be in the past. Yeah. And our time will come. Oh, my God. Jen Alpha's coming for us.

Oh, my God. They are coming for us. We have almost definitely already said the things that will cancel us on this podcast. Yeah, of course. About over a thousand hours of us talking. Oh. I don't. like that.

We've grown. Exactly. Give us a chance. We're sorry. Anything that we said, I've said this before, but anything we said, do you agree with, we meant. Anything we said you disagree with, we were being ironic. Yes.

I saw a tweet from Do Go On Wisdom, the Twitter account that tweets out quotes from us, which I don't think has done one in quite a long time. Yeah, I think they've gotten over it. They've moved on. But one of them was, was me saying everything I've ever said is a lot of. alleged and I stand by that's good stuff that's a way to that's a good catch-all as I learned in journalism school that's a great way to cover your ass saying it again now yeah yeah if anyone does know the uh dogo-on quote uh account holder get them to get them to

pass the keys over to someone who still listens yeah yeah pass the torch pass on the torch because it's good stuff you did I really enjoyed it yeah because I didn't remember anything that you ever it was fun to say wasn't it but it was sad how funny I found it Yeah. Oh, man, someone, I wish I could, I'm blanking on their name, but someone in the Patreon group has been collating a list of the things that I've said when I meant something else. Yeah.

And I read through it and I was quite tired and hung over the day I read it, but I was laughing out loud at my mistakes. Very funny stuff. I felt like I was losing my mind at the time, but it was good stuff. Yeah, it's a growing list, funnily enough, but it's, it's good stuff. Yeah. And I'm so sorry. forgotten your name if you are listening. That's very funny though. So final

final bit on the deaths they cause because it's just like a wild story. There's a story of some people coming through months after one of these cities was sacked and up ahead they can see like what they think is like a white mountain thinking it's like snow topped but they get closer they realize it's not snow. It's a pyramid made of human skulls. Whoa. That you can see from kilometers away. That's how big it is. And it's debated as to why they were so brutal. Some say was to scare any other potential enemies into surrendering. Like, they'd often rock up and say, hey, you want to surrender now?

I'm over, you know, a few towns over. You saw what we did. You could give up. And like, you know, be brutal now to save your own troops' lives later. They didn't have to wage war again. Others postulated it was simply that Jenghis thought he had got on his side, and that anyone who refused to submit to him was going against God and therefore deserve to die.

Right. Okay. You'd have to have a way to justify it to yourself. Yeah. Look, I don't kill 60 million people either. easily, okay? I've had a good think about it and God wanted me to. So, yeah, I'm pretty good.

How can you hold that against me? Oh, are you being against God right now? Because I can put you in the skull pyramid. And often he would like, and like honestly, you'd see that you'd feel that God's on your side of you're as successful as he is because he would rock up to these other religions. And then he'd be like, you're going to surrender and they'd say, no. Like, you know, you're a heathen. You're going against God and he'd say, well, looks like God's been on my side.

I've just done 50 battles and I've won all 50 of them So I'm pretty sure God's on my side Yeah, yeah I think of, yeah, like, and how do you argue with that? Yeah, if you believe in your God, do you think your God is letting me do this? Yeah, apparently both in Christianity and Islam, which he attacked a lot to their cities,

like they struggled to explain what was happening And eventually they were saying, I think a lot of them were like, he's the devil and it's his sins, not ours because you've got to spin it some way as to why your God keeps letting you lose. Like, it's hard. Dave, this is what you don't understand.

Because you didn't grow up with God. Just that I could probably explain to you. God works in mysterious ways. He's also omnipresent. Yeah, so. Okay. So I hope that clears that up for you. That has absolutely cleared it up.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, like, if you think, it's probably a test. He's testing your faith. There's different reasons why he would make your, even if you're being perfect, You're not. You're born a sinner. So just remember that.

Remember that? I was born a sinner. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't know that? What? Yeah. But I was just the baby. Jesus died for sins before you were even born.

Remember that joke? Zero from two hours ago? Yeah. Now, I'm afraid it's going to get even grimmer just for a second, but then it's going to get better. Dave, I can't underline that. I know everyone's like, I know everyone's like, Jenghis Khan. What a good guy. What a legend.

Yeah. And everyone is so. And I'm just, I've just got to put this on the record. I'm starting to disagree with that. Matthew. I know, I know everyone says he's the best. You're going against history. You're going against.

Everyone says, what a guy. We should all be like him. I honestly think if I behave like him, I would rightfully be cancelled. I think it would be right. Okay. I think, you know, they go, well, right, you're not going to get any more HBO specials. Or no, you will. You will, but they might not be very flattering.

Yeah. And they probably will be. But here's a thing. You know, you'll keep your fandom and stuff. But, you know, every time I say in the event of an apocalypse, I'm giving up really quickly and people say, no, no, you never know what you'd be like. Maybe, you know, if you had killed millions and millions of people, like 60 at Mill, you'd actually be like, nah, I don't deserve to be cancelled. Yeah.

You just don't know. You just don't know. God was on my side. You couldn't possibly know. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I hadn't considered that gubb was on my side. Yeah.

Then maybe fair enough. I changed everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What are we talking about? It's going to be. Blast grim bit. Okay.

Well, maybe, but the most grim bit, I'll put an, and I mention of an assault warning year coming up right now because another horrible part of the story is the widespread rape across these conquered places. And I'm obviously not going to dwell on this comedy podcast, but it was very widespread and used as a weapon of war. Jengis himself is said to have had multiple,

wives and quote-unquote concubines, a lot of these were frequently acquired from conquered territory, often princesses or queens that were taken captive, and he had possibly up to 500 concubines. And because of this, a 2003 historical genetic study, I don't know if you've heard this fact before, found that when sampling DNA from 16 populations across Asia, they found that nearly one and 12 men on the continent shared an unusual Y-chromosomal lineage, one that is said likely that's come directly from Jenghis Khan. Wow. So it's been argued that the genetic lineage showed that about 8% of men in the region of the former Mongol Empire,

and therefore about one in 200 people worldwide or 16 million people can claim relation to the calm. Shit. And you know what that genetic thing would be? Wolf. Oh. So like 60 million wolfmen. Yeah, worldwide. Yeah.

Whoa. Wow. That's very interesting. Yeah. You know, if you went back a few more centuries, there'd be people with bigger numbers, right? Like, if you went back to... I think he's like the most identified person so far,

the most widely spread, but there could be others, yeah. Other than Adam and Eve. The further back you go. Well, I mean, Adam and Eve. We've all got Adam and Eve. Yeah. Yeah, one in one is really... Yeah, yeah.

We've all got Adam and Eve. I'll tell you, we don't have Adam and Steve. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Right. Right? Makes you think.

Right, makes you think. I'm not close to. Subitai, who I mentioned earlier, the great general during the raids of the Chorismian Empire, had heard rumors of another society on the other side of Chorizmere, an empire of people with blue eyes. What the actual fuck? Franks! Weird-looking people! Something wrong with all of them.

Disgusting. Do you not have blue eyes, Jess? No, they're green. Same, same. Which is like, they are blue, but they've just got yellow in them, so they just look green. Mine have got blue and green. Okay. Which should never be seen.

Should never be saying that stuff. Close your eyes. You've got beautiful blue eyes. Thank you. Thank you. That's better. Don't want to look at those disgusting eyes. So he heard about this land of people with blue eyes.

If you've never seen blue eyes before, it would be freaky. Yeah, people with like different features that they've never seen before. He's like, what the hell? What the fuck is wrong with them? So he requested a small army to go and scout out this place. And Jengis gave him 20,000 men and three years to suss it out with the other great general Jebbe, the arrow going along too. It's known to history as the Great Raid.

It's worth its own report, but just as an overview, this raid covered 9,000 kilometres in a span of three years, making it the longest cavalry raid in all of history. Wow. They made it all the way to the edge of Europe going into Georgia, Russia, Poland and Hungary. And these kingdoms, all of whom had never even heard of the Mongols, must have absolutely shat themselves.

Yeah. According to History of Yesterday, it has a great article a link to about this very raid. During the raid, Subatai achieved several remarkable victories. He destroyed the Georgian army, which was preparing to join the Fifth Crusade and had 35,000 soldiers. Using a feigned retreat, he lured the knights away from the infantry and defeated them. The remaining infantry was no match for his arches. Wow.

After crossing the Caucasus Mountains, Subatai defeated step warriors before defeating an 80,000 strong Russian army in 1223, which is four times the size of his own army. Again, he used a feign retreat that lasted for nine days to stretch out the pursuing Russians. And after the ninth day, the 20,000 Mongols turned around and annihilated and surprised the 80,000 tired Russians. As soon as, like, I keep thinking, people are going to figure out the tactic, but they're all dead. Yeah, they can't share it. They can't pass on. Hey, when they run, don't go after them.

Yeah. It's not going to. It's a trap. It's a trap. Wow. All up, they won 12 battles. And this is all. with a tiny scouting army of just 20,000 people, just a fraction.

They're just so good at war. Yeah, that they're beating full proper armies. He'd destroy these armies with superior soldiers and fighting tactics, and then often leave the cities they were protecting to go on and just continue exploring. They're just having their little, like, they're just backpacking around Europe for a bit. Yeah, like, so the people in their cities would be like, oh my God, they're going to come and destroy us, but they'd just keep going because their orders weren't to take cities. It was just to suss out what was going in.

Any army that got in the way, all right, we'll take care of them. But we don't need to go sack your cities because we'll come back later. That's wild. Again, it could be its own report, but after three years he returned to Jenghis Khan to tell him what he'd discovered. And he came back like, you know, he was wearing fishermen's pants and, you know, all this sort of. Toe ring. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, had a nose ring, toe ring. Dreadlocks. Holiday Jess is so much better than real life, Jess. I like her so much more. Come back. So I've just been to Barcelona. Yeah. People, yeah, you might like you more, but people who have to meet the new Jess.

Yeah. Not good. What happened? Yeah, you guys really beat it out of me quickly. When I came back like full of life, you were like, no, no, no. Can we phase this out, Jess? Let's crush this. There's new sunny disposition.

It's disgusting. It's going to ruin the business. We knew it to be kind of crabby and turn on a dime. When you started, you know, correctly our. pronunciations of foods. Brusquetta. Sorry, you want to order what? Bruchetta.

Never heard of it. Sorry. Oh, I think, oh, I think I know what you mean. Brousquetta. Okay. Did you want the spinach and ricotta? I know someone who does that. Yeah, me too.

I dated one. It is so great. Just to fully change for one word. Yeah, just the white, that's it. You can do it like, yeah. You can do it a bit more subtle, but, but not the, yeah, and we'll also grab the spinach and Rikata! You're like, okay, okay, fuck it is, yeah.

It's very funny. Oh, sorry, I didn't even realize I was doing it. Oh, sorry, oh, did I? Oh, my goodness. It's it. You ever watch any of Conan O'Brien Travels Abroad shows? No. He sometimes goes with, like, one of his producers or something, and he is that kind of guy.

And Conan's just sort of blank, you know, he doesn't give him probably the respect he, even he deserves. It was like me, like, going to a bakery and being like, hi, could I please have one steak and ale pie? Thank you so much. It's good stuff. Anyway, after taking down the Chorisman Empire, and he's already done China, Jenghis returned to Mongolia in 1225. By this time, he controlled a huge part of territory from the Sea of Japan to the Caspian Sea, and with a supertized reconnaissance, he was eyeing off Europe as well. But sadly for him, he'd never lived to see it.

In 1227, Jenghis was back in Jijar in China. Is it a good thing about to come to an end? Yeah, mine. He was laying waste of the kingdom that he'd already conquered, but he was pissed off at them when they didn't supply troops for his conquests in other territories. He asks for troops and he's like, well, I guess I've got to come back and sort you out then. He's wasting his own cities now. Yeah, that's punishment.

Double dipping. But sadly, just all good things must come to an end. The Great Khan died on the 18th of August 1227. Wow. It's unclear as to how he died, possibly from an illness or from falling from his horse. So he's in the 1227 club. Not many in that club. Falling from his horse.

Knowing him. Probably he actually. Knowing him, all these years, there's plenty of people. But also just knowing, like, how time works. I'm sure plenty of people died in 1227. Just like old people, sick people. But he definitely upped the averages of it in his lifetime. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When he killed 10% of planet Earth. Yeah. Did it go like Attila the Hahn and without him, it fell a part of it? Well, he had left quite the legacy. History.com writes, Jenghis Khan conquered more than twice as much, land as any other person in history. Wow.

He planned for his succession, knowing that frequently empires in the step fell apart with infighting. He chose his own successor. He had four sons and a brother that all could have had claims, but he chose his third son, Ogadai, who continued his father's expansionist policies and invaded both Korea on one side and Europe on the other. The relatives of Jenghis reigned for decades and continued their expansion.

They took on Europe, like I said, and then they invaded Japan and they even got down into Java. But eventually the inevitable seemed to happen and the empire split as the grandchildren of Jenghis Khan disputed which line of people should be the next Khan. Some people were like,

it should be the son of this person and other people are like, no, it should be the son of this person. Right. Because he'd been smart enough to choose his heir. But then after that, Ogadai didn't do that. And it sort of got very messy.

Classic Ogadigida. Jeez. mate, you know, it's a pretty clear system here. You pick an air. You're picking air. One day you're going to og a die and you've got a plan for it. Exactly. You're not going to og a live forever.

That's what he'd say, though. I'm going to og her live forever forever, but by the time of Kubla or Kubla Khan's death in 1294, Matt's favorite. The Mongol Empire had fractured into four separate carnets or empires, each pursuing its own interests and objectives. The Golden Horde. One of them was really into crochet. My favorite is the Golden Horde. That sounds so good. The Golden Horde Carnet in Northwest.

The Chagatai Khanate in Central Asia. The Ilkanit in Iran and the Yuan dynasty in China based in modern-day Beijing. I think a lot of people don't know that, you know how China's often, it's split into dynasties like the Jing. The Yuan dynasty is actually a Mongolian. But they just became Chinese. That's cool. And that's where Kubla was. At the time of its split, the Mongolian.

Empire was 23.5 million square kilometres or 9,100,000 square miles, which is 17.81% of the world's land, making the Mongol Empire the largest contiguous empire in history, second only, like we said to the British Empire, which peaked at 26.35% in 1920. A lot of Australian desert padding out the numbers there. Wow. And none of it would have been possible without Timurgeon, aka Jenghis Khan. We're not sure where he was buried and the location of his tomb is still a mystery. Oh my God, it's a mystery episode.

Where is he? Whoa, whoa, whoa. A lot of people think he didn't want people to ever find his body, so it's hidden. And there's stories of... Fair. I know, why would you want it to be

sort of sacked by people in the future? I want to be here forever. But there's stories of the people that buried him were killed and the people that killed them were killed to try and hide the... But that's... I'm not sure that's apocry. forward, but people continue to search, but in Mongolia, many don't want the site to be found.

According to Mongolia today, which wrote about the subject, Mongolians detest any attempt to touch graves or even wander around graveyards. According to ancient tradition, burial spots are forbidden areas in which no one is allowed. Yet, people still are looking. Yeah, of course. I think they've narrowed it down to a specific mountain, but, um, Wow. And so you're saying, we're going to go find it. Yeah, it should be us. Yeah. We should disrespect their ancient tradition. It's so funny to be like... Well, don't you think that would be what he would want?

Yeah. He wasn't going around respecting traditions. I think that would be the highest honour. Yeah. Would be to go against what he wanted. Yes, and sack him. He'd respect that. Yeah.

He would respect that and he would hire us. He'd probably go, yeah, you can be the, you can guard my grave. Yeah. We'll say, no thanks. Yeah. We're going to go, I respect that even more. Yeah. I'll offer you double.

We're going to go back to Australia now. But great to find you. Thank you. Bye. He remains a much debated figure of history. It's a bit like Alexander. His empire was responsible for untold death and destruction, but there were some long-term positive things.

Mongol Empire was so large, it linked eastern and western cultures and resulted in an open trade and a mix in cultures that possibly wouldn't have happened without him. It also became a safer place to live after what he did. After introducing his laws, it was said you could travel from one side of the Mongolian Empire to the other with a gold plate on your head and no one would rob you.

But if killing everyone is the price of safety, is it worth it? Good question. Good question. He just asked. Great question, Dave. Great question. Well, well asked. A real thinker.

Also the same as Alexander the Great, who ushered in what's called the Hellenistic Age. You've got to ask, did he mean to do any of that? Or are people just giving credit to Jengis for an unintended consequence of his actions? Like, did he want to open trade up? and, you know, change history forever. But it sounds like he changed like he really did change the world's history. Yes. So before this, the two biggest kingdoms were sort of the ones in the Islamic empires and also in China.

But then he fucked up them, especially like around Tehran and modern-day Iran so much that some people say, that didn't recover until they struck oil in the 20th century. Wow. Like 800 years later. Before that, they're like the best society, most advanced society in the world. with all these great old canals and things, but he would, he filled them in,

burnt their cities down and it was such bad, big, bad destruction that it took them hundreds of years to recover, if they ever recovered. Shit. And because of that, some people say,

that's what made Europe come to the fore as like the biggest dominant culture with the most advanced societies for a time, because before this, they were well behind the Middle East and China. And you said he went in and, or his, his kid went in and,

and sacked parts of Europe. Yeah, like Hungary and the borders of Europe, yeah, Poland and stuff like that. Wow. So they felt part of the wrath, but by the time, it looked like they're actually going to come over and possibly take over all of Europe, but that's when it all split into four and took away. Like I said, you split them up, you take away their power. Yeah. So it did change, definitely change history.

Yeah. I mean, you can't kill 60 million people and not change history in one way and other. But Jeng is kind of seen as the founding father of the nation of Mongolia where he has been posthumously deified. So he's a big deal in Mongolia to this day. He's on the money, has mentioned, on the first ever episode of our show, in the Mongolian capital, Alam Bata, you can see the world's largest statue of a horse, which features Jenghis riding atop. Is that Megatrods?

No. No, that was from the Chernobyl episode, I think. That was on our first ever episode. Do you remember me mentioning that? David. I remember a being horse. Sorry. The Mona Lisa episode.

Have a think about the question you just asked me. Only because of the way you phrased it. That was on our first ever episode. I thought you were saying like, oh, I remembered that, but I wasn't sure what episode. Absolutely not. No, we talked about it. I don't remember last week. You think I remember one from nine years ago?

Yeah. Get your head out of your ass, Dave. Get it out, Dave. Dave. I gave you some credit, okay? No, but it was undue. Yeah, it was. Well, this would be close to exactly nine years since our first episode released.

True. Can you believe it? Time for a relisten to the first ever one. I thought you were going to say time to renew our vows. And I agree. Every nine. Every nine. It's a big nine.

You know, people say seven-year-rich, not for podcasting. It's the nine-year-rich. And I actually feel stronger than ever. Yeah. Give you a nine-year scratch. Yeah. Thank you. Yes.

The ultimate tribute, though, that I'm sure that he'd be happy to know. His face and name also appear in Mongolia on brands of alcohol and toilet paper. Oh, yeah. That's nice. That is really nice. Going in, coming out. You shit out alcohol? I don't.

I don't know. because a gentleman never shit. I wouldn't even know. Still trying to work it out. I don't think you can shit liquid. Okay. Well, I'll give it a red-hot crack. Are you going to mention Bill and Ted?

Does that come up at all in your report? Am I making that up? No, no, he's definitely in there. But finally, if you fly into the capital, Alambatat internationally, you will land in the Chingas Khan International Airport. He's such a big deal. The name of the airport. It was renamed after him in 20.

Wow, that's recent. Yeah, but there is... About time, he, you know... Yeah, got the recognition. Yeah. Gave him his flowers, as people say. Is that what people say? I think that's what people say.

Was that what people say? Have we had fun here today, Dave? Hey, we've taken it for a walk, possibly our bloodiest episode ever. So we've done well in that respect, I think. Yeah, I'm trying to find a lot on this guy. Yeah, I don't know. I haven't made a decision. Yeah, because you can now travel distances with a gold plate on your head.

Yeah. That's pretty good. But 60 million people were brutally murdered. Yeah. But I mean, what episode do we have that doesn't have millions of people brutally murdered? Correct. And this was hundreds of years ago. I thought for a moment this was our deadliest episode ever because it was more than more one.

But then I remembered smallpox. Oh. Looked up. That killed 300 million people. Sorry, we've done an episode on smallpox. In the 20th century. Yes, Jess. That was my report.

Do you remember how they came up with a vaccine? No. And I think is that the episode where we just get. We had to Google what a pandemic meant. And it came out. People have listened to it since. And they're like, oh. Very cute.

I think it was in the first 50 episodes. It was a long, long time ago. Oh, my God. I just want to put a note on the sources. If you want to read anything that I read, that are all linked in the show notes. And if you want to listen to a great podcast, who goes into a lot more military stuff,

the great man, Dan Carlin, hardcore history. I went back and listened to from 2012. He did a five-part series of this on the whole Mongol Empire. The wrath of Khan? The wrath of the Kans. And I went back and listened to it. It's behind a paywall now. But it's like buying mini audio books.

They're awesome. But there's five episodes and I think all up it goes for 12 hours. Shit. So if you want to hear more from the great man. And he says Jengis, does he? Yeah, he does say Jengis. So that's a hot tip. If you want to hear more.

I'm not a historian. Especially about military stuff because he's mad for it. He loves it. He loves it. What is he, a boomer dad? Right? Your dad's love war? My dad loves war

Like a World War II doco Yeah SBS doco Yeah, chuck it on Yeah, yeah I think our generation Or sorry, your generations Thank you

Um Dad TV is going to be COVID docos Don't reckon Oh God Don't reckon that That makes sense, right? Do you want to watch it? No, I don't want to

It'll be the next generation Yeah Yeah Because we, yeah It'd be kids who are born around the time Because yeah Because dad's watching stuff, yeah, World War II, which is before they were born. What one's like 9-11 docos or something?

Yeah, maybe it's 9-11. Yeah. It was such a big event when we were growing up and it's like, what really happened? Yeah. Yeah, it'll be deep conspiracy theories by then. Yeah. Yeah, now I don't think I've ever watched a documentary about that. Me either.

I don't know what my thing would be. No, well, we'll find out. That's what's exciting. Michael Jordan, last dance. Great series. Great series. No, it's got to be stuff that sort of happened just before you were born, like in the decade before you were born.

So for you, it's probably like, Geez, I'm going to be. The invention of fire? Yes, fire. Fire of the wheel. Docco's on that, I guess, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Things with people saying, ooh, ooh, stuff like that, yeah, yeah. Just so that you could reconnect with your first language. Yeah, that'd be nice. Jurassic Park, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be nice.

Well, that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show where we thank some of our fabulous supporters. And if you want to be one of these supporters, you can support us at patreon.com slash 2G1Pod. Quick note, now they're in November. There's a change on the Apple apps. Dave understands the better than me, but basically Apple are now charging 30% of,

so if you sign up on the Apple app. Yes, that's right. If you sign up to our Patreon via the iOS app on your phone. Yeah, the Patreon app. There's a 30% surcharge because they wanted to take their cut. Thank you so much, Apple. But if you just sign up on your love, laptop or on your mobile just via your...

Like a web browser instead of the app. Exactly. It still works exactly the same way, but they just don't take an extra pound of flesh from you. Yes. So you can cut out a middleman. And we love Apple. We've got a great relationship with them, but they don't need this money from you.

Or do they? Up to you. Your call. You, of course, can still do that if you want, but it will save you 30%. Either way, it doesn't affect us, but it won't charge you an extra 30%. Feel free to donate to the world's largest. company if you like to. And that also, that's only for new subscribers. Yes, if you're already subscribed and you've already on the app, don't worry about it. Don't worry. You're okay.

This is as far as we understand it. We are all very technical, logical and we love contracts. We love legal jargon. Oh, yes. Come to us for contracts. Yes. We understand. This is what we are pretty sure. Yeah. But yeah, it should be clear as you sign up. But yeah, if you do it on your laptop or web browser, we're pretty sure that will mean you don't have to pay. Save you some cash. But like just says, maybe you want to give cash to Apple. Yeah. I don't think you can probably do that in many ways.

You can do that in more fun ways by like buying their products. Exactly. But this, you won't get anything extra or less if you pay that 30% search. So you may as well just do it in your browser. And then if you want to listen to the bonus episode or anything like that, you don't even need the app. You can, they give you an RSS feed when you sign up on the bonus level. and then you can copy and paste that into your Apple podcast app or pocketcasts or whatever your podcast app is and that way the episodes will just come in as probably this one is right now.

We make it easy. So hopefully that all makes some sense. Some. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, feel free to, you know, messages if it's confusing, although I don't know if I'll be able to explain it any better than it. But he'll try. Yeah, there's blogs. Dave was on Reddit.

All right. So anyway, if you want to support us, Patreon.com slash jingo on pod. And if you have done that and you're on the Sydney-Shaarberg level or above, you get to give us a fat-quota question. In a section of the show, we call fact-quota question, which has a jingle that goes something like this. Fact-quot or question. He always remembers the ding. She always remembers the sing. Okay, I was going to hold that note for like heaps longer, but you interrupted. I just want people to know that I was actually capable of holding that for way longer. Well, I just want people to know, you're welcome.

So, yes, if you're on the Sydney-Shaunberg level or above, you get to give us a fat quote or question. You also, if you're on that level, you get the bonus episodes, you get the ad-free feed. You get pretty much everything. Access to the Facebook group. You get it all. And there's other levels that get most of those things as well. It's all explained on the website. Yeah.

And speaking of the Facebook group, it was Candice Harrison, who's been keeping track of Matt misremembers things. Oh, any chance you could read some out? Absolutely. Thank you so much, Candace, doing a very important work. The first one for episode four is Matt's guess is I am Sparta. What was he talking about? 300. Oh, pretty good.

That American movie about a bar, Coyote Ugly. And Dave knows. He can break the code. This could be, we should make this a Patreon bonus game where one of us reads out the thing we have to try and work out what we think he was. Bow and Arrow Lady and the mockingbird. Catnus Everdeen. Yeah, there's some good stuff in there. Fluffy.

We're talking about furries. Oh, Fluffy. That's close. Fluffies is pretty good. Anyway, yeah, there's a lot. And more to come, as you continue to say, ridiculous things. Okay, yeah, Candace has posted that in the Facebook group. If anyone's interested.

All right, so we've got four great supporters read out here. Facts, quotes and questions. They also get to give themselves. a title. First up we got Jesse Napa, who I believe is the first time we're in the quote or question section. Welcome. Welcome Jesse. And Jesse's title, Jesse with an I-E or just an E? Jesse with an E-Y. Oh! Yes. I don't, I like that. A new spelling of Jesse's been unlocked. I actually, I need to type that out so I can just look at it. J-E-S-S-E-Y. Oh. I don't, I I like it. I like it. Yeah. I think they're.

That's great, Jesse. They've got the best of both worlds. Yeah. Jesse, AK wallet inspector, don't worry. I probably won't steal your money. Wink, wink, wink. I don't have any money in there anyway. If you could put money in, that'd be great.

That's not the wallet inspector. Jesse's got a question. And it goes like this. Hello. Long-time listener, if you consider four years long time. Yes, I absolutely do. I'd say six months. I'd be like, bloody hell.

A full Olympic air. My goodness. Yeah. First time call up. If you consider filling out a Google form, a phone call. I do. My question to you, you've just been cast in the Auntie Donna biopic. Biopic.

Wow. Who would you play in the film? Michelle Brazier. I've got the pipes. Yeah. You kidding me? As in your legs? Is that you mean?

Two solid pipes. Is that you mean by? Beautiful pipes. Yeah. Answering their own question, as we always invite them to do. Yeah, thank you, Jesse. Jesse writes, I probably play the. antagonists of the film, Manu of My Kitchen Rules fame, who in the film is suing the

Auntie Donner Boys for Zach's unfavourable impression of him on their podcast. Thanks for all the good times, good laughs and random bits of knowledge. I don't know what to do with that Do Go On has given me. I've listened to the podcast so much that I think your voices are permanently burnt into my ears in a non-creepy way of course. Until next time, ta-ta and farewell. Tata and farewell. Okay, so we're casting ourselves in the Ante-D-D-Denau.

Right. We don't have to play one of the main three. That's what I thought we were going for. Okay. Okay. But if we did, I'm Broden-Den-Cirley. Because I can get the depth that you guys just can't do. The character depth.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What am I? Mark. Could I be like, could I play myself? Yeah, you're in that world. You could probably play yourself. I could play myself on the episode of World's Worst.

Yeah. You've been on a bunch of the things. I could do that. You're much more familiar, I think, with their law than maybe me and Dave. Can you maybe cast us? I don't know if that's true. I used to be a fan. Now I'm a foe.

Well, you could be, I mean, you could play yourself also. Your mat in a hat with a cat. Oh, that's true. In one of my favorite sketches of theirs. I would much prefer like Brad Pitt or someone. Not Brad Pitt. Someone. You'd rather, okay.

To play me in that role. Oh, I see. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Dave, who could you be? Could I be like their assistant, Dave? Yeah. Oh, my God. Is he the guy who looks like young you?

No, who's that guy? Oh, there's a guy that works here at Stupid Old Studios. Oh, I see. I think his name is Dave. Yeah, it is Dave. And I've said to him you look like him. But I don't think he works with them, does he? I think he'd want to do his own stuff.

Oh, I thought he did work with them. Oh, does he? I don't know. We don't know what he does. Should we find out? Should we talk to somebody in the building? Bring him in? I'll be Zach.

All right, yeah, great. That's a good one. Okay. That's a fun one. Zach's the fun one. Yeah, I don't think I could pull it off. No, God, no. I think, yeah, I don't think I could.

But would you give it a go? Yeah. I could be, I could be brod and more likely because he just sort of, he says, hey, I love aeroplanes. Yeah, true. Where are you flying to? You could be Tom. You're very musical. I'd love to be Tom.

Tom would be good. Tom would be good. Sweet, beautiful man. You got the skills to play Tom. Big fan. Can I be Sam? That's a big compliment to say play Tom. Can I be Sam?

I don't think you could play Sam. I know, I don't think I could, but this is Fantasyland. Oh, okay. I just want the wardrobe. And can I take the wardrobe home? Oh, my God, yes. He's the sharpest dress man in the stupid old studio building. He's the sharpest stressed man in Australia.

In Australia, okay. And he's also very nice. Yeah. And funny. Yeah. So, yeah, okay. So again, I'm not saying I think I could be any of them. Yeah.

But I think I, if I, if I, if I, aspirationally, I'd love to play Sam just to get the wardrobe. Okay. Okay, I'm going to stick with playing Jess Perkins. Tailored pants. Right, and I'm assistant Dave. I'm mostly in B-roll. You know, I'm in for a day and I'm into some background shots and stuff, but then I'm out. But I get paid quite handsomely for it, and I get to go to the premiere.

I think Mish would be fun to play. I don't think I could pull that off either. No. Absolutely not. But again, I could play Michelle because of the singing ability. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Mish would be too much of an acting reach for me, I think, no, couldn't do it. I think Mish, is the only one who could play Mish.

Agreed. Thank you so much, Jesse, for that question. And hopefully we've answered it to, you know, the level that... Fantastic spelling of your name. Big fan. Congratulations. Congratulations. And yeah, great work on the role of Manu.

Next one comes from Damien of Long Island. Oh my God. You know what I found out recently? That is literally just a Long Island. Whoa. I told you about it. About a month ago. Yeah, I don't listen to you.

I remember. I don't listen to you. Damien's title is Eater of Ice Cream Player of Video Games Mother of Dragons Whoa That's a powerful

It might be a bit too powerful actually I'm a bit intimidated here Damien's also got a question Also writing hello all What? Whoa! Love everything you guys do

And I'm eagerly waiting You're a US tour My question is If each of you had a royal announcer What accomplishments Big or small Would they announce about you As you're introduced publicly

You can use my title As an example Thank you Can we hear the title again in a royal voice, though? Welcome, Damien of Long Island, eater of ice cream, player of video games, mother of dragons. Oh, I like that. That's very good. That is good.

I think I would go for David Warnocky, 2019 Brumby's Gourmet Pie Guy. Oh, yeah, fantastic. You don't need multiple after that. Yeah. The Gormo Pagos here. Yeah. The GPG. Holy shit.

I think I would have, can I have the trumpet? And then I'll do it. Jessica Perkins, 2003, Year 7 high jump champion. Whoa. I didn't realize. Holy shit. How many stamps you get for that? A few stamps, baby.

I beat the tall girls. Really? Okay. Were you flopping? Oh, you're scissering. I was doing the flop. Thank you very much. Yeah.

Which can get you in trouble when you flop. That often is the thing that takes the bar down. What about you, Matt? I'm trying to think of something. Footy tip office champion 2016. What? Why don't I know these achievements you both had? What the fuck?

You've been holding that off from us. I think I got like 120 bucks. Whoa. They've got 10 grand for being a pie. guy but is that true? Was that 10 grand? That is crazy. That's why we made him buy a Sealand.

What's the hell? And thank you again to everyone who voted for me. Oh yeah. We could, you could be, you're a lord of sea land. That could be one of them too. Lord of Sealand and I was a lady, right? Yeah, you're Lord and Lady of Sealand. Thank you.

We've got this. Ten grand. Yeah, don't you remember? You got a frame certificate. He did buy his frame certificates. We can't argue with that. He framed him and everything. That is, cost of fortune.

You have lived such a blessed. hasn't it? It's crazy. That's not the first competition he's won. Winner of a trip to Mexico through Taco Bill 2016. You were just floating through life. No, it was a few years later. I'm actually due for a new win, actually. It's been a while. Most people don't get one of them in a lifetime. I can't even have a football team I for to win something. Yeah. Maybe it's because you want it too much.

Yeah, I was like, I guess I could be the good on my car. Yeah, I think you have to be a bit more aloof about the Saints. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whatever. I don't mind. They had a pretty good trade period. Got in one of...

See, this is it. You're caring too much. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've never paid attention to a trade period of my life. I can't name three players. It wasn't even that good of a trade period. We got a great old player. Oh my God.

Yeah, you fucked it. You fucked him again. Next one comes from Jacoby, Austin D'Angel. Like a giz head of the podcast in brackets disputed. I think I was one who disputed it. Classic. Well, my friend Erica, who listens to this show, I caught it with recently.

She goes, can I be the Guse out of the podcast? I used to live with one of them. Okay. I think she might have out Gizd us both. Well, that's pretty cool. Jacoby has got the title. Oh, no, sorry, that was the title.

Dicobi is not doing a fact, quite a question, actually doing a dispute settlement slash suggestion. Whoa. I don't think we've had a dispute settlement before. This is exciting. Because, yeah, for anybody new, You can be anything, really.

You can be anything. You can be anything. Your fact-water question can be anything. It doesn't have to fall within the constraints of facts, quotes and questions. We've had recipes. We've had jokes. Suggestions. Jokes. We've had brags.

Anyway, Jacob, I'd say Matt, Jess and Dave, on my last FQQ, Matt said we would have to fight over my title. Well, I'm here to settle the school, mate. Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry, if I jumped in head. Holy shit. First, the question of how many times I've seen King Gizzard Live. As of this writing, five. Five times plus two more coming up in November.

Second, made in quiet if I have listened to every album back to front, can now confirm at least three to four listens per record. Wow. Some upwards of five or ten. Five or ten? Shit. Upwards, so if you're doing upwards, it's five. Oh, that's a five.

But others are ten, so he wants you to know that some of them are actually heaps. But on a low end, five. Yeah, but some of them. Yeah, it's pretty exciting. Because there's also three to four on all of them. So it's all of us upwards of three. Yeah. I don't think you've really scratched the surface,

three spins of an album. Because we did a count recently in there. What, they're up to 25? Yeah, yeah. 26 this year. A lot of albums. And people listening are probably, oh, they probably formed in the 70s.

No. That's since 2012. As well as many, but not all of their demos, bootlegs and live albums. All right, you win. I have most of those on vinyl and almost always have their discography on shuffle in the background.

You've almost got their discography in the background, and you've only listened to their albums upwards of three times. This isn't adding up, mate. I'm just going to... Stop picking fights, man. I'm just putting it out there. Honestly, the band kept me sane most of the time as I started school and worked in a hospital throughout the pandemic.

Finally, I'd like to suggest some giz to you guys. So let me know what albums slash songs of theirs you've enjoyed. And I'll give each of you something to live... New to listen to. For now, I'll suggest some giz. decent stuff for Matt the Merlocks. Why am I getting Melbourne band suggestions from California? I know the Merlocks.

Getting real defensive. I don't think he knows the Merlocks. Name one song. What about track one? Track one. Oh, I love the Merlarks. I didn't say love them. No, I do like them.

I've just looked it up. They do have an album where there is a track one. So you've got us there. Well done. God, he's good. Yeah, and it's a great track. Let me see. All right, yeah.

Space Cadet, that's a good song. I mean... Do you want to keep reading the fact quota question? Matt, can I just say, Calm Your Farm from 2020, from other albums? Great track. There might have been a soft title track.

I don't know. I'll check for you. Great track. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm just being silly. The Murlock's, live at the Terigram Ballroom.

This is Ambrose Kenny Smith's Pet Project with Cook Craig joining on bass. They are a bit of everything. Garage, R&B, punk, soul and blues. Saw them in Sacramento. I'll go to the Kings if they still exist during this same tour and they blew me away.

Fave tracks are living under a rock which is what I've been doing. And rolling on. That's what I do. For Jess, pie pie, pie inside outside. This is Cook Solo Project. Because they haven't done enough stuff As a band

They've got a more Yeah Cookey loves a whimsical tune And he really loves writing songs About his French bulldog Homer Including one of the tracks I will suggest Fave tracks are

Agencourt Bay Or Agincourt Bay And Best Friend Also the new single Lords of Lithium For his upcoming October release Is so fun It can only be described

As a bop For Dave, Heavy Moss This is a bass guitarist The bass guitarist Lucas Hardwood's new project. They've only released two singles, but have announced their record dead slow will be out by the end of the year.

They're not perfect. Oh my God, that's brutal. Whoa. What? Everyone else, I guess, we're assuming everything else I've said is perfect. But there's a kind of moody vibe about them that I like and some really good bass.

The tracks are called Summer and Morning Milk. Hope you all enjoy. They sound moody. Song called Summer, I'm assuming moody. Yeah, morning milk. Oh, there's nothing moody. than that. Well, thank you so much.

Love that. Love suggestions. I'll check out heavy moss. I want to hear songs about French bulldogs. I don't know if you know this, but I have a French bulldog. What? I know. What are the chances?

That's crazy. I don't talk about him much and I don't post about him much because I find him really dull and I'm interesting and I don't love him and he's not the best thing that's ever happened to me. So it's crazy. Yeah. What a coincidence. Young blindness. That's the album of the Merlucks.

played a lot back in 2016. My problem is I nearly only listen to new music. You are so defensive. Which is... It's actually so embarrassing. No, it is annoying because I'm always trying to... I'm mainly listen to my album playlist from that year. But it also means I'm always, you know, hip, I'm always now.

Yeah. Oh, I listen to brand new stuff that you've never heard of. I rarely look back. Oh my God, you're disgusting. You're a disgrace. Brichetta. Brisketta. Oh, no.

The worst is one time I ordered brusquetta, which is, well, not like that, but I said brusquetta, which is correct. And then the person went, uh-huh, brusetta. And I was like, you stupid bitch. It's brisketa. You cannot win with Jess. You're pronouncing it too well or not well enough. I had the same when I ordered Beatrice. on a sandwich and the lady goes back to me

oh you want some beetroot I'm like no beetroot What she's saying it how she says it Yeah I think you're wrong on that one Yeah you're wrong on that one You're pretentious asshole This is the same situation

Who are by doing a podcast with you two are notmairs I think I'm just hungry The final one comes from I'd love some beetroot right now Oh my God I've already had some today Also she didn't have an accent I don't want to do the accent It was just she just says it in a different way

Beat root Yeah Also she was Australian Yes. Oh no, that's gross. She can fuck off. Thank you. It's not Beat root, you idiot. I think it's whatever you wanted.

Shut up, man. You know what she meant. You're wrong. She wasn't correcting. And no, it sounded like she was correcting me as well. Wrong. Let's kill her. Final one comes from Isabel McTeer.

Sorry, who's it from? I spoke over there. Isabel McTeer. Hello, Isabelle. I believe another first time. McTeer is fun. Okay, official do go on pet portrait scrapbooker. No, seriously, send me pet picks.

No, I'll make a digital. Scrapbook. No, I'm not sending you pet pics. He has his own Instagram. Seriously. Figure it out yourself, Isabel. I am hungry. I'm really sorry.

Dave, have you made a... Have you made... I mean, it's so funny for someone who's made an Instagram account for their pet who's having a goal to anyone about pronunciations or anything a bit... Oh my God. She has been trying to warn me that she's hungry.

I literally, I couldn't... I've said it like three times now. I'm hungry. You need to say the words red zone. Okay. Red zone, man. I didn't realize until the way you looked at me. Yeah.

That I shouldn't fuck with you right now. Normally, I'm very cool. I know. And you're always welcome, you're always welcome people to have digs at your... What's Isabel saying? All right. Can't wait to hear it. Dave had something to say, didn't you?

No. Hey, everyone. This one's a heartfelt thank you. Oh, that's nice. I don't think we've had a heartfelt one before. No. Writing, oh, Mother's Day, 13 years ago. we went to the pet store to get my mom a hamster for her present.

This sounds like a weird gift, but I promise she loves hamsters. We ended up leaving the pet store with a small Dax, Dax, Daxend, with a small Daxon slash border terrier puppy that was on clearance. We both felt, hmm, just trying to imagine that. Daxons cross with a border terrier. Interesting. Keep reading. The thing that stood out to me was you could buy a pet on clearance.

It's like they're in the bargain bin. That's very strange. But that was because of her mixed breed status. This was the first dog we ever had in our family, our firmly cat-loving family. Oh, that's a cute dog. I had a cat named Romeo, and I didn't feel I needed a dog. My mum named the puppy Juliet and gave her to my brother.

That's cool. Had Romeo and Juliet? I was 16, a junior in high school, and I had just gotten extremely sick. I ended up missing six months of school and was so weak, I couldn't even walk the 12 feet to the bathroom without resting halfway. I had a few surgeries and started to feel stronger. Though this entire process, sorry, through this entire process, Juliet was my protector

and my comfort, sleeping curled up against my neck, licking away my tears, and watching endless hours of West Wing with me. Most days, the licking, most of most days, the looking away my tears, you know, when you getting a loop on one line. Just, you can't use paragraphs as just a note for something. Somebody writing something so heartfelt and you're like, okay. And also me, like, just struggling to do a basic thing, like read line after line and putting a back, maybe formatting could be.

This could have been avoided. I'm so sorry. Most days, the only joy I had was watching her play outside. By the time I started to feel better, it was clear she was my dog and not my brothers. She had picked me. Yes. From this point forwards, we were inseparable. It was her and I against the world. When I was kicked out at 18, she lived in my car with me until we found a place to stay. She was my only family. At 20, I moved 1,200 miles away from the only town I'd ever known, and of course, Juliet was there with me. I grew up and created a life of myself that I'm proud of,

and she was the center of every choice I made. I didn't do anything unless it benefited her as much as me. Last year, Juliet got sick. For three months, I got to return the favor from all those years ago and become her nurse, her advocate, and her comfort. She passed away in the home we created together while I held her and told her how much she meant to me and how love she was.

The grief was overwhelming and I was struggling to find any joy. At this point, I was a casual listener of Do Go On and one day, about six weeks after she passed, I'd put it on as some background noise. I don't remember the joke, but I suddenly realized I was laughing. Not the fake tinny laugh I'd been using to get through social situations, but a real laugh until your sides hurt laugh. This became the light in my grief. I would listen to your podcast on my way to work so I could go to my customer service job with a real smile on my face. I listened while doing chores and in my home was filled with laughter again. Your podcast helped me chase away the sadness and focus on all the joy that little dog had brought into my life and how much joy there is still in the world. A much more fitting tribute to her than my tears, which she would always look away. I still miss her every day, but now I can focus on the love and joy she filled my life with and not the void she's left.

I wanted to find a way to say thank you and tell you. you that your laughter has brought joy back to my life, even though I'm a world away. The words, thank you don't feel to be enough, but I hope a Patreon membership in Juliet's honour can start to show my deep gratitude to your work and how it helped me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. One for each of the host. I'll just look at that. I'll take one of those.

Yeah, thank you. Middle one's mine. Oh my God. That was a roller coaster. Well, thank you so much. Did you hear? I almost got emotional in the middle there. And that's never happened before.

I was, I instantly felt ashamed. Uh-huh. About having a feeling? And I, and I said in some, I had you knock that off. Push it down. Push it down. Oh, my God. That's so lovely.

So lovely. Thanks for sharing that with us. The thanks you should not have been for us, but for your freaking awesome dog. Yeah, that's so nice. Dogs rule, and they mean so much to you. So condolences completely, but. sounds like you had some incredible times together. Yeah, what a life you had together.

And it sounds like she was a great little companion for you and you gave her a really good life, which is just the best. Please, yeah, if you feel like it, give us a post of you two together. Yeah, show us some pics because I've Googled the breed and they look cute as shit. Let me tell you. Yeah, they're sort of like a little bit fairy. Oh my God. That's really good stuff.

That's got, that's a real classic dog. Yeah. That's a good dog. Ragamuffin dog. Yeah. And Juliet's a great name. You've nailed it on all fronts there. Oh my God.

Yeah, that looks like my cousin's dog. Mr. Morty. Morty's still alive. You just haven't seen Morty for a while. I haven't seen most. See around Christmas time. Most years. I'll see you again soon, Morty.

Please hold on. Morty's an old dog. Thank you, such to Isabel, Jacoby, Damien and Jesse. Next thing we like to do is thank you of our other great supporters We're on the shoutout level or above. This is the arse prod level or above. Yep. And, yeah, Jess, you normally come up with a game to play as we read out the names.

I'm going to name their horse. Hell yeah. And how are we going to do that straight from the top of your dome? Actually, I found this little thing on fantasy name generators.com. It's a horse name generator. Yes. Wow. So we're on episode 473.

I'm saying that for my own benefit. So how should we do this? dub just going to do those do you want to do the names or the places i'd love to do the names okay he just i just watched his eyes scan them and he sort of went well there's one in there i'm glad he's doing all right uh i'd like to change my answer no i'm good i like to oh sorry you're going to say the name town first as we have always done dave this fucking guy um how are we doing this how are we doing this thing we've done for for nearly ten years how we're doing this 400 episodes or whatever.

It's nine years. How are we doing this? Innovate or die. And you know what I would choose. I know, you just roll off that here. All right, see you later. Come up with something new or roll off this hill. Bye.

Hi. I'm done. Did not even hear the end of your sentence. I'm walking away. All right. First up, love to thank from Rose Meadow in New South Wales here in Australia. Thank you to Lorena Luxford. Oh, my God.

And your horse, Rapid Sparks. Oh, my God. That's a powerful combo. Actually though, Jess, I'm going to have to say, you're going to have to do all 16 horses for each person. They won two. One to 16. Yeah, yeah. They're all called rapid sparks.

That's why it sparks. Oh, yeah. It's rapid spark one, rapid spark two. I was just pluralizing it. From Centralia in Illinois, perhaps, in the United States. It's Tim Moore. But I'll say that. their nickname in brackets.

Medic 59. Nine years we've been doing this, Matt. Nine years. We are a well-hoved machine. Innovate or die. Well, you know why? We've been doing it for nine years. And nearly every time it's been...

You do the whole thing. Yeah, okay. We understand, but it doesn't mean we can't mock you for it. And... You have an Instagram for your dog. I'll kill you. Tim Moore. Tim Moore's course.

Dandy. Oh, Dandy's a good one. How good is that? Danny one, Danny two. I'm going to take out Dandy 3 today Thank you so much From Bankshire Grove in Western Australia Hello and thank you Rachel Parsons

And Rachel's horse Topanga Pretty good stuff Topanga Topanga That's a powerful name for a horse I've got a really good one coming up I'd love to thank

From Kelmscott Also in Western Australia This is a very short name This one and Cat's horse, Sweet Feet. Oh my God. Cat on a horse called Sweet Feet? What a combo.

How cute is that? Now that's an Instagram I'd be following. I'd follow that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wouldn't follow Goose La Frenchie. Oh, man, I do like looking at photos of Goose. Goose LaFrenchie. It just does feel like a thing that you should be made fun of, though.

Oh, absolutely. From Liverpool in Great Britain, I'd love to thank Jamie Elliott. Could that be the dancer? Is that something? Is there a Jamie Ella or is that a football? Are you thinking of, yeah, the, yeah. Is it Jamie Elliott?

Or is that a football? Billy Elliott. Billy Elliot's the dancer. Jamie Elliott is the football. Jamie Elliott, who of course plays for your team, Collingwood. That's why just knew you. You're mistaken. Yeah, because I was like, no, Jamie Elliott.

I mean, he dances around the opposition on the field before snapping a beautiful. He's a ballerina. On the field. Jamie's horse is called Sparkle Flash. That's good. It's pretty good. Are you sure you're not in the My Little Pony Naming Generator? Once again, I will kill you.

Next up, oh my God. Either side of this one was rough. From Hurt. It starts with an apostrophe. How's that possible? From Herta Gen Bosch in Nord. Brabant in maybe the Netherlands, Dave and Elle? Yes, hello, and thank you to Niles Dahan or Nils Dahan.

As it turned out, you made the right call there. Yeah. Yeah, I can't believe that it does start with an apostrophe. Yes, it's quite the town. And Neil's horse is Caramba. Oh, aye. Aye. Caramba's a great man.

Caramba, fantastic. From Taupo. Oh, I've been a Taupo. So a beautiful spot in New Zealand, it's Gemma Corrin. And Gemma's horse, masquerade. Oh my God. How good's that? That's sick.

It's wearing a fun little mask. It's definitely wearing a mask for sure. Next one, actually, from address unknown. Oh. What do you think they're from? Oh, can only probably assume in the fortress of the malls. It's Gavin's Shepherd. And Gavin's Shepherd's horse is called.

Charmer. Oh, charmer. Oh, charmer. Oh, real charmer, but it's ironic, like, said by an old someone's dad. Oh, real charmer. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, geez, he's a charmer. Because they said dickhead or something.

Oh, it's about a 14-year-old waitress who's just doing a best. Oh, geez, what a charmar. Delivered with a smile, not. And finally also. She's been paid $5 an hour, dad. Shut up and drink your coffee. Also from address unknown. Again, can only assume from...

Deep within the fortress of the malls. Hello and thank you, Scott Penfold. And Scott's horse, Blue Angel. You love Blue. I love Blue. I love Blue Angel. Blue Angel. Thank you so much to Scott.

Gavin, Gemma, Neels, Jamie, Kat, Rachel, Tim and Lorena. Lorina Luxet is so fucking... All those names are fantastic. And the last thing we need to do is welcome people in the Triptage Club. But can you believe this? I can't remember last time this happened. No one who signed up three years ago is still a member on the shadow. What?

Or hasn't been. David. Certainly hasn't been. Settled down. Sorry, I'm genuinely shocked. You know, they maybe have come and gone or someone. But anyway, yeah, so no triptage club this week. All right, great.

Well, I had heaps of really good stuff ready. And now. Do you want to make, I could make up a name or something? All the people that are already in there get to enjoy it, but no new people. Oh yeah, we don't induct me, but I've still booked a party. I've too booked a band. Yeah, but we're not telling anybody about it. Oh, okay.

Because there's no one new here. Dave, can you tell me the band? They're pretty good. Actually, you're never going to believe it. Because we still have an after party. Everyone who's already in, there's a thousand odd people in there. They still have the party. I've booked.

You never going to believe it. What have you done? Filipino underground band, the Mongols. Whoa. Which is an offshoot of the vocalist of a razor heads, which is Filipino's best-selling band ever, guarded it is the Beatles of the Philippines. Whoa.

Holy shit. That's a great get. It's a great get. Great get. So we've got the Mongols. It's like having wings there. That's basically having wings. The band the Beatles could have been.

Huge. So yeah, we normally for people who haven't listened before, we normally induct a few people who have been on the shoutout level or above for three straight years. But yeah, this week there are none. Justin will have some behind the bar, but she'd probably just set the night off. I'm not telling you. I'm not telling anything about it. Me and Dave will still party.

Yeah, I'll live to party. Dave on the decks at the after party. Can't wait. So, that brings the end of the episode. Aw. Is there anything we need to tell people before we go, Jess? Yeah, that we'll love them. And we're sorry about everything.

We're sorry. Okay? Yeah. We've only been doing this for nine years. Yes. We're still figuring it out. Basically our first day. And really, since we stopped editing ourselves,

I think we no longer, we no longer self-edited as much because someone else will have to worry about it. Yeah. So if there's something that said that you don't enjoy, it's AJ's fault. Yeah. And we were being ironic. Also, yeah, we're being ironic.

And everything I've ever said is alleged. That's right. We, if you would like to suggest a topic, you can. There's a link in the show notes. It's also on our website, which is do go on pod.com, which is a great place to go, bookmark it, to find out about live shows and all the other wonderful podcasts we do on our network, including book cheat. Who knew it with Matt Stewart, primates and others.

Listen now. Listen now. Listen now. There's really one other, isn't there? And on the road. Right. Again with me and Nick Kappa. That one is still...

Dave and I never approved that being on the... In the network, so that's interesting. There was not a meeting had. But yes... I mean, I'm happy to... I'm happy to, you know... Go solo on that one. Or just delete it from the internet.

You can also find us on social media at Do Go On Pod. And Dave, boot this baby home. We will be back next week with the second most vote of topic in Block 2024. Crazy. So I'm excited, but until then, we'll say thank you so much for listening and goodbye.

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