Do Go On - 509 - Olga of Kyiv's Bloody Revenge Tour

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

When Olga of Kyiv's husband Igor was killed in the year 945, she embarked on one of the wildest revenge tours in history, showing no mercy to the killers. We are joined by pod favourite Michelle Brasier to hear about this wild tale from the Early Middle Ages!This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 13:13 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.britannica.com/biography/Saint-Olgahttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Igorhttps://www.britannica.com/topic/Kyivan-Rushttps://www.britannica.com/topic/The-Primary-Chroniclehttps://www.britannica.com/biography/OlegPrincesses Behaving Badly: Real Stories from History Without the Fairy-Tale Endings by Linda Rodriguez McRobbiehttps://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2014/01/saint-buried-people-alive-burned-city-revenge/https://allthatsinteresting.com/olga-of-kievhttps://www.factinate.com/people/facts-olga-of-kiev/https://worldhistoryconnected.press.uillinois.edu/7.1/sherman.html by Heidi Shermanhttps://museumhack.com/olga-of-kiev/https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/biography/saint-olga by Michael C Paul Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, hello, Dave Warnocky here letting you know that me and the great man, Matt Stewart, have some stand-up comedy specials coming to the Humdinger YouTube channel, formerly known as the Stupid Old Channel, they've had a recent rebrand. You can watch and chat along as part of the world premiere on Saturday, July 26, 2025, or watch any time afterwards. We both have full length, 50 minute shows to watch for free. I'm really hoping they will become the first stand-up specials to get 1 billion views so please watch or we might be very embarrassed with that prediction. Matt

is also touring Australia in August and the United Kingdom in September where he's also doing some live Who Knew It with Matt Stewart podcasts so please get along to that details at his website mattstu Matt Stewart comedy.com and now on with the podcast Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and as always I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Hello. Hey, how are you doing? Sorry, you couldn't get through.

Oh no. Is this our answering machine? Yeah. I'm sorry. I haven't really finished the report. Okay. Okay, you go quiet for five minutes, finish it off. Okay, well you, yeah, why don't you guys chat? We'll chat. Well go quiet for five minutes, finish it off. Okay.

Well, you, yeah, why don't you guys chat? We'll chat. Well, we can bring in a third friend to this conversation. Are we ready for that? Yeah. To bring in a third? I don't know, 10 years in, are we ready? Please welcome to the podcast.

I think it's a fourth anyway, but. Well, it's a third to this conversation because you're out of the conversation, you're writing the report. So you're kicking out a third and you're bringing in a third. Exactly. It's one in, one out, and one out as Matt, and one in is Michelle Brazier! Yay! Woo!

Hi, Michelle. Sorry I had to see that. No, that's okay. It's good for me to see the inner workings. Yeah. It's exciting. It's nice to pull the curtain back and... It is!

...see how we operate. How the sausage gets made. Yeah. So to say. Dugo One is a sausage factory! And I say that all the time. Yeah. That is feedback we've had.

Yeah. Bit of a feedback. Just a bit of feedback. I am. And we love a sausage. You're gone. You're not here. Sorry. Once you speak of sausage, you summon me. Bradwurst, Wiener Schnitzel. Is that a sausage? Makes me hungry. See, Matt's gone, but Hans is here. sausage. Mmm. Makes me hungry. See, Matt's gone, but Hans is here. Honestly, we kind of like Hans more. I'm so glad that we added a fourth. It felt like the right time. Yeah. It evens things out.

Michelle, thanks for hanging out with us today. I was in a car accident today. Yeah. And there were four cars. It was a four car pile up, as they say on the news. That's wild. Can you tell, tell us what you texted me? Let me over my phone. I don't know what I texted you,

but I know you responded, ha ha ha ha ha. Oh wow. I said- Was it just, I've been in a car accident, I'm feeling horribly hurt. No, not horribly hurt. I said, okay, I had two texts in succession saying, I have the car, don't need a lift, toot toot, all good. I love you, I had two texts in succession saying, I have the car, I don't need a lift

to toot all good. I love you. I'll see you soon. And then quite soon after I said, let it be known that I am fine, but I also have been in a car accident. Treat yourself. I'm okay. Eventful morning.

See you soon. Oh my gosh. And she just said, ha ha ha ha. Sorry. But also, ha ha ha ha. Cause your car is cursed. Well, uh, fuck. Yeah.

It's got to go. I say as a friend, that car has to go. I like it. Oh, oh. You like it? You think it's a fun little car? Yeah, aesthetically. What a beaut.

It's a nice car. But it's twice, two years in a row now on the eve of driving to Adelaide, it has shat itself completely. Yeah. And needed expensive repairs. Yeah. That driving to Adelaide, it has shat itself completely. Yeah. Wow. And needed expensive repairs. Yeah. That car hates Adelaide. And then it's been in what, three accidents in the last fortnight? Yeah.

Yeah. So I think the car is cursed and it has to go. Three in a fortnight. Is that, is it three? Well, two. Two. And what, the one of them was, um, just the, when we tried to go to Adelaide, it sort of made a loud bang and, um, had to be towed. Yeah. It's got, it's tried to go to Adelaide, it sort of made a loud bang and had to be

towed. Yeah, it's got, it's time to go. Yeah. It's a shame. It's a shame. We've had a weird and chaotic morning. I've been talking to the insurers. Yeah.

I'm waiting for my thing, because you've each had a dog injury or a car injury. Yes. I feel like I'm uninjured. For now. Yeah, well, you better touch on that wood Hans. Touch the sausage. Um, cause there's actually- My foot in the wood. Can I, before, wait, can I just tell the pod listeners my interaction with the insurer online? Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's insane.

That was really funny. Yes. So just a short transcript. They couldn't help me when I was trying to make my claim, trying to add my policy to my online portal. And they said, and it said, it's not working. I said, what's going on? I said, excuse me, chat. Can I talk to a real person? They said, sorry, I'm still learning. Can you reword that? I said, real person. They said, would you like me to connect you with a real person? I was like, yeah, babe. And then they connected me with a person, lovely person called Gerard. I haven't said the insurance though, it's okay.

That's fine. Gerard's. It's Gerard's insurance. That's what's called. Yeah. Gerard was like, I sent you a thing to reset your password. I said, babe, that's not the problem. He said, just try it anyway. I said, okay, reset your password. And he goes, does it work? I said, no. And he said, have you tried opening in a different browser? I said, yeah. He said, well, I've done all I can.

He said, well, I've reset your password and we've tried it in a different browser. And like, it was like a thing that was obviously a checklist for his thing. And he was like, all I can suggest is you email app support. And I said, babe, I'm not using the app. And he said, who's babe? Whose babe is pretty funny.

It's funny that you said. Jared's ready to quit. It's funny that you wrote babe. Oh, I've worked in customer service in an insurance company. Jared wants to die all day every day. Who's babe? And it was like 10 o'clock in the morning and he's already done. He's had enough.

He's had enough. He's had enough. He said, what's the he said? Who's babe? And I said, passive aggressive. I love it. I know. And I said, oh, sorry, I'm not using the app. I mean, he said online services portal. And then he said, calm. And I said, what? He said, calm down.

Just calm down. Incredible. When does calm down ever work? I said, Jared, it's crazy that you would say calm down. Incredible. When does calm down ever work? I said, Jared, it's crazy that you would say, calm down to me. There's so many people who report you for this. But in my defense, like, I called you babe, so we're kind of even.

Now we're even, we both got our shots in. Yeah, and then he was like, so I forwarded it to the people, and that you just wait, he said, you just wait for them to reply to you, all righty? And I know, I'm certain'm certain a he's quitting today yes B he's never he's not made a rapport no he's not you just sit tight and you wait for us to go there's no fucking way yeah he won't get back to his way he's probably walking out of the

building right now yeah with someone on the line Hello. He's whistling while he's pouring petrol on the floor. Jared is done. So yeah, an event for the morning. And now we're ready to quietly and respectfully listen to Matt. I like that story because I like both characters. And like, I think the real evil antagonist wasn't even one of the two of you. Yeah. No, I think we're mates. I think we're met in the middle. I think it's two heightened people.

Like you obviously you've been in the car accident. That's fair that you're a bit like, but then he's just like, he was already so close to the surface that one small push of him being called babe. He's like, I'm fucking snapping. Oh, also I forgot to tell you the guy who hit me, called me, and he's a hundred years old, his name's Jose, and he was like, I don't have my number plate. I was like, what? He was like, do you have it? I was like, I don't have your number plate.

I didn't pick it up and go, well, that would be mine. I'll take that, I guess. Or like it's time I've gotten into your car. He said, can you check your car? I said, it's not here, Jose. You didn't hit me that hard. I said, your number plate is now embedded in mine. Yeah, I was like, I've got photos. Your number plate was gone. When we had the smash, it was probably on the ground.

He was like, oh, I have to go, Jose. Shouldn't have given you my number. This was a huge mistake. Anyway, so it's been a morning. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But we're okay. We're okay. Everyone's fine.

I'm feeling alive. Have you written a question now? Yeah, I've written a question. Why would you even suggest that? Have I said on Pod that I wasn't ready? You said on Pod you weren't ready. And also, I could have been plugging my shows just then. I talked about Jared.

We're all having a tough morning. Yeah. But your show, yeah, we'll talk about that soon. I think there'll be plenty of great opportunities. Let's get to the queue. Yeah, because people will be skipping over this bit now. Yeah, get to the queue now. People will be like, I've had enough.

We're going to get to the meat of the episode and that's when your plug will really hit home. Thanks, Matt. Okay, shall I explain what we're doing here? Yeah. What? So what we do here in case you don't, is we're taking turns to report on a topic, which is often usually suggested to us by one of the listeners.

We go away, do a bit of research, bring it back to the group in the form of a report. It is Matt's turn. He has written most of the report. We're reliably informed. He's going to riff the end. I'm looking forward to figuring out which bit he's just making up. Which I'm so excited about. It's exciting. Matt, we usually start with a question as we've alluded to. What's your question to get on the topic?

My question this week is, I'll just read it as I've written it. Capital and largest city of Ukraine? Kiev. Correct. Chicken Kiev. Chicken Kiev, that was the other option. I was thinking, I was going to say what is the full name of the chicken dish that is filled with a butter, garlic, jus or sauce perhaps?

Kiev. Correct. Michelle got it right as I want for Jess. Okay. Put it in the spreadsheet. People also say Kiev now. What letter does Kiev start with? K.

Correct. Yes. What? Everyone gets a point. I did it. Ah, this week's topic is about a woman named Olga of Kiev. Oh. Oh.

Familiar with her work? May I please share a quick fact about the Ukraine? Yes, please. President Zelensky is the voice of Paddington in the Ukrainian dub of the Paddington films. What the heck? No freaking way! Yep, yep. And do they still get him back for the sequels? I think no.

I think since he's been defending his country against war. That would have felt- I reckon he's busy. But can you imagine if he was like underground in a bunker, having to be in a secure location to record Paddington in Peru? Paddington in Peru! Paddington in Peru. Everyone needs a downtime. Yeah.

I mean, maybe he is. I don't know. I hope he is. That's so fun. I think it's so charming. That's something that we'll look up at some point during this episode. Dave, that's your job. Okay.

All right. This has been suggested by a bunch of people, including Andriy Kozh from Kiev in Ukraine. Makes sense. Apologies for the name pronunciation there. Also- Andrew or Andre? A-N-D-R-I-Y. Ah.

Ah. Surname K-O-R-Z-H. Cool. Andrew, Andre Kors. Hannah Schollard from Canberra. Megan Castle from Guthrie, Oklahoma, Emi White from Albuquerque, New Mexico, David Plant from Little Paxton, Cambridgeshire, Lady Paula Smith from Port Macquarie, Ariane from Ireland, Michelle from Port Macquarie, Alana from Australia, can't be more specific than that, Caleb Stanton from Christchurch, New Zealand, Dye from Dubai in the UAE, Samantha from Montreal, Quebec and Kayla Hodquitz from Tomsurch, New Zealand, Dye from Dubai in the UAE, Samantha from Montreal, Quebec,

and Kayla Hodquitz from Toms River in New Jersey. We have to stop for one second because you said somebody's name is Lady Paula. Yeah, Lady half and Paula. That's awesome. Also Dye from Dubai. Dye from Dubai is really great. Welcome back to Dye from Dubai. That's crazy.

I think this might be, it's like, there's quite a few suggestors, but also, you know, not from any one spot. They're spread around. Maybe five different countries. Wow. Maybe even six. I can't go back and count. No, you shouldn't.

And I won't. Don't. One, two, three, four, five. I hate whispering. ASMR makes me want to die. Stop it. You got to stop. Seven. Thank you. Eight. Oh, I'll say eight.

Share it with the class please. I believe eight. Wow. Including some of the all time goats of a question writer for Who Knew It with Matt Stewart as well. So I knew it was going to be a great topic when Kayla, Ariane and Emi suggested it. They're three regular question writers.

Amazing. Love it. And everyone else who suggested it is also fantastic. So. Okay, it looks like he did Paddington one and two. Okay, they're the biggest ones. They're probably the best two. The third one's also very good, but.

I love Paddington in Peru. Yeah, I liked it too. I'm not saying that. Felt like you were saying it. I wasn't saying it. I'm saying... Just saying two and one would be better. I'd go two, one, three, probably.

I'd go two, three, one. Really? So I've now seen the first two because of the Dugon Movie Club. Paddington 2, we're covering this month, which is very exciting. And I'm thinking, Jess, are we gonna do the third one? Should I just wait for the movie club before you make that choice. Um, look probably great

I can't I'm excited to watch it Jess and I saw Paddington in Peru together at the cinema Yeah, so fun on on New Year's Day. No wonder you love it. It was beautiful. I'm watching like I did by myself I did watch it by myself. I have a sense of whimsy In my life, man. I'm not rocking up here in thongs like- You just told me you watched it with Jess. Yeah, I watched it with Jess, but then I've also watched it by myself. What a way, a chump,

who's only gonna watch Paddington in Peru once? That's true, I've only watched it once. Fuck. Yeah. Anyway, it's- But I'm saving it for Movie Club. All right, so this week's episode takes place in Kievan Rus, in the 10th century.

Kievan Rus being the first East Slavic state, a place that I'd never heard of. But, you know, it's sort of centered around Kiev, which is where the Kievan bit comes from. Or Kiev. Kiev. Kiev? I'm so sorry to the Kievans. Just because, you know, since the Russian invasion, they've changed the English name. I thought they'd just changed the pronunciation as well. I believe it. I wasn't aware of this. I would like to get this right. The spelling Kiev reflects the Ukrainian pronunciation and translation of

the city's name, where Kiev is derived from the Russian translation. Oh, so what'd you say, Kiev? Well, transliteration is what I'm saying, sorry, because obviously they don't use the English alphabet. You can't just make words up, transliteration. Yeah, Dave, come on, man. We're right here, man, you can't just lop that face. Sorry.

Kiev. Kiev. Oh, that's cool. Oh, Kiev. There's two pronunciations apparently. So good. Christ. A lot of what we know about this story comes from the primary chronicle, aka the tale of bygone years, which is according to Britannica or medieval Kyivian Rus historical work that

gives a detailed account of the early history of the Eastern Slavs to the second decade of the 12th century. The Chronicle compiled in Kiev in about 1113 was based on materials taken from Byzantine Chronicles, Western South Slavonic literary sources and official documents and oral sagas. So this is like this big epic book, but it was written like quite a while after the events. All the best history books are. Sounds like the Bible. Yeah, it's got a bit of biblical stuff about it. And I think like the Bible, a bit of the legend and fantasy and stuff has been, you know.

It's made its way in. Yeah. Hmm. Cool. Yeah, a bit of fun. I mean, the story is great. It probably just didn't happen like this. But anyway, it bit of fun. I mean, the story is great. It probably just didn't happen like this. But anyway, it's still fun. It's written in an old book. So that's something.

It's mostly a book cheat. I love it. Heidi Sherman for World History Connected writes that much of the Chronicle covered events that took place many generations prior to its completion. And the authors appear to have based much of the tale upon oral accounts, some clearly inspired by legend." After I sort of ad-libbed that bit and then I've read it, but I probably didn't need to so AJ, you can edit out that bit. He's not gonna. I think he will. See it, like any historical story, right? You know, you can't trust it entirely.

Can you trust history at all? No. I don't know if you can. I don't believe in science. I don't trust anything. I don't know. If I wasn't there and you can't even trust your own memories apparently. Yeah.

Yeah, that's Cuckoo Luke. Dr. Carl told me that. I don't like that. I don't like it at all either. Yeah. It's just a photo of a photo of a photo or whatever? Yeah. Don't like that at all. Well, I think that's Dr.

Carl's memory. Mine is. Yours is perfect. Yeah. Yes. I'd say so. According to Britannica, both the origin of the Kievian state and that of the name Rus, and I'm saying Rus, could be Rus. That's all right.

I heard some of them. Big Rus. Put heard some of them. Big Russ. Good on your Russ. Russ is where Russia is named for it and Belarus, you know, but even those two words say it different, right? Belarus. Belarus.

Words can be hard. Rusty. Bella, Russ? No, come in. Those steaks are ready. You're just getting cold. But yeah, Britannica suggests that, you know, all of this is still up for debate by a lot of historians and probably, you know, probably will never be settled. But according to Sherman, the primary Chronicle writes that a group of Vikings led by the

warlord Rurik accepted an invitation, proffered by a confederation of Slavic and Finnic tribes to come and rule over them. The chronicler informs that the Slavs and Finns were at war with each other and required a neutral party to bring peace and order to the realm." Wow, so he's like, all right, we'll agree that you can't be in charge and I can't be in charge, so we'll get a third party. We'll get a Warlord over. They'll be in charge.

And you, and, but you got to remember that it's the people who, who ended up being descendants from this warlord who wrote the book. His grandsons were like, no, they wanted it. It was an invitation to come over and tell everyone what to do forever. Yeah. So it's possible that that's not exactly how it went down, but anyway, that's how it's written. It was royal propaganda, basically, this book. But anywho, the Chronicle writes that the Viking, a Viking named Oleg, a clansman of the warlord Rurik, became the ruler of Novgorod around 879.

And over the following years, he traveled down the Dnieper River and took control of Smolansk and Kiev. There's so many nouns in this that I can't place. Do I need to hold onto these? No, you don't need to hold onto these. Kiev is... Hold onto that. Hold onto that, because that's the centre of it. But basically we've got supposedly these two different peoples were fighting. They go, hey, can we get one of these Vikings from over yonder? Bring his gang down. We want- we need a daddy. We need someone to rule over us. Oh yeah, sort of like the history of Australia and all those nations were like,

can we get a daddy in England? Was like, we'll be daddy. Yeah. That's what the books say. And everyone said, thank you. Thank you, daddy. Yeah, it's like that. I'm sure. And then, so then one of the guys, this guy, Oleg, he's one of these Vikings.

He's from one of the- Is he hot? He's like, maybe not the daddy, but he's an uncle. Is he hot? And I assume he's very attractive. Thank you. I'm sure the book actually probably said that. And the unbiased book definitely said that. He said he was an uncle, but he was a real daddy.

Oh my God, what a daddy. And yeah, so he he comes down, travels down the river and he he just starts conquering different places and peoples. Oh, cool. Bringing them in. More people can please, please. Please conquer us. Come and invade us. Oh, cool. Bringing them in. More people. Please, please, please come and invade us. And not necessarily.

I mean, he turns Kiev into the capital of the realm, because it's apparently just in a great spot strategically. And the other places, I think most of them were sort of, you know, you live as you are, but every year I'm going to come and take a take a tax from you. Yeah, right.

You're with us now. That's always so good when they take tax. Yeah. And imagine like how much easier his business would be once they brought in like bank transfers because he's having to go and collect it all. He'd be on the road 24-7. Yeah, the travel's nice, but like at some point- Each individual city has to get their phone out, tap to pay.

No, that you are banging on Jess. That this story starts where the king, you know, the king, the ruler. The daddy. The daddy goes and gets it directly. Yeah. But it ends with, yeah, not quite direct deposit, but a better system. OK. So you were right on it there.

Yeah, right. Well, I've got a business brain. Yeah. You know, I've got a business brain. Yeah. You know, I don't remember anything we've ever talked about on this podcast, but I do have a business brain. I'm seeing. You're always talking about the NASDAQ. I'm always talking about the NASDAQ.

Olga? You've got a bit of the Olga's about you. Do I? Olga brings in a new system. Wow. Wow. There you go. Is it Square?

Square payments? I think it's Square. Do you know I can't use my square in the United Kingdom? Yeah, we know babe. We know. Oh my god. How do you sell merch when you're in the UK? You can use your square.

You just have to type in the card numbers. Or you can buy a square from their Currys or whatever over there. No, you can't. Haven't we tried that? Didn't Matt and I do that one? We did do that, didn't we? Yeah, but it wouldn't have been our bank account. It's only set up with a British account.

Oh yeah, you've got to have their bank account as well. Yeah, but as soon as you activate that square, whatever country you're in, it's tied to that country forever. So do I need to get another square? And a British bank account or use somebody's bank account. Bank. Bank account over there. I'm going to be... Or type in credit card numbers. If you're coming to my show in Edinburgh and you want to buy a book after, just get PayPal. PayPal, yep. Or get yourself a PayPal and we'll sort it out. Yeah, because you don't want cash either, and you want to buy a book after? Bring cash. Just get PayPal. PayPal, yep.

Get yourself a PayPal and we'll sort it out. Yeah, because you don't want cash either, do you? No, what am I going to do with that? Wait for some uncle to come and collect it? Throw it in the bag. So yeah, so you don't have to have kept any of these words necessarily in mind, but that's the general idea. A daddy's in town Oh goo have we mentioned the goose Jess's dogs here today?

All right, I'll stop sniffing the mark in a second that did like I think this is we'll assume that was you They'll have to look to the video So it makes a lot of weird noises to the video. I don't know, my throat makes a lot of weird noises. Goose, what a funny fella you are. You're beautiful and you're so silly. And you stink. And you are horrendous to smell.

Yeah. But giving such good coverage to me over here is awesome. Such good coverage. You sound like Holden Ian, but like, this is so, I could just go. Here's the thing too. Cover me, goose, cover me. You might assume he's always this flatulent, but he isn't. It's actually just that he's very excited. Your, it's Maverick.

He's just excited. I don't know which one of us is going through the windscreen. Can you guys hear me from the, in the mic? Is that still okay? Oh yeah, nice. I've just got to hold this goose. Yeah, you hold this dog. Thank you so much.

You hold him as long as you like. Someone tell me to do go on. Do go Oh yeah, nice. I've just got to hold this goose. Yeah, you hold this duck. Thank you so much. You're so great. You hold him as long as you like. Someone tell me to do go on. Do go on please, Matt. I'm loving this and I'm interested. Oh, that sounds sarcastic. I am interested. So, so like I was saying- I don't really care. So like I was saying, Oleg turned Kiev into the capital, according to Britannica. Extending his authority east and west of the Dolkov-Nepo waterway, he united the local Slavic and Finnish tribes under his rule and became the undisputed ruler of the Kievan Novgorodian state. The state stretched over varied lands, each

providing different kinds of value to the rulers, values as in things that they can take as tax. bonds of value to the rulers, values as in things that they can take as tax. At its peak, Kievan Rus took up a big chunk of modern day Eastern Europe through Belarus, Russia and Ukraine. And I believe that the Rus in Belarus and Russia comes from Kievan Rus and of course, Kievan being Kiev, Kievan. Sherman writes, from the North to the South, this is some of the different territories. From the North to the South, stretch tundra, good for hunting, gathering, boreal forest and intermediate forest step for hunter gathering and agriculture and the step for pastoral nomadism. The forest zones were especially rich in fur bearing animals like pine, marten, fox, sable and squirrel, as well as honey and wax.

And then Sherman also says the more densely settled regions also supplied slaves. River systems. Yeah, sorry, sorry to be political on the pod. I know, pretty grim stuff back in the 10th century. Yeah, who knew? Your anti-slave. Yeah. And you're the anti-slave.

Well, Jess and Dave didn't speak up, so you can only assume science is compliant. Just as bad. River systems linked the different zones and also made it possible to travel by boat to great empires of the day, such as the Byzantine Empire and the Islamic Caliphate. Sherman writes the furs, honey, wax and slaves could be exchanged in Constantinople and Baghdad for silk, spices and silver in the form of coins. The Chronicle describes Oleg as a skilled warrior, defeating powerful opposing forces as he expanded his territory.

Like on his own. Oh, he's a one man army. This is awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's basically the Statham of his day. How many guys you got? 10,000? Give us 45 minutes.

I'll sort them out. Yeah, that's all I can keep my brunch appointment in. Fantastic. I love Jason Statham. We know, we know. And you're right too. He's great. You're correct too, love Jason Statham.

Wow. I think we all love Jason Statham here. I think we do, don't we? Yeah. We're divided on slavery, but we are united. But we can all agree on Jason Statham. This end is for me and Michelle, anti-slavery. Dave and Jess.

And we're here to debate this. Silent, but you know what that probably means. But we love Jason. But you do love Jason. Sorry, Goose is being obnoxiously cute. I know it's a podcast. If we do one clippable thing today, it will explode the internet.

But so far we have not. Goose has done a lot of great stuff. But he's really visual. And we haven't said anything particularly interesting or funny. Well pressure's on. And he is here because he has to be watched to see if the allergic reaction he had this morning comes back. His face exploded.

We have to see if his face explodes. So it's actually, it will be quite nice to have some video footage of it. Here's the exact moment his face started to blow up again. That is fun. Yeah. I've heard that Frenchies are very easily dealt with medically. You heard that from me? Heard that from me?

I've heard they don't have many, but you basically don't even need to have your vet's number. No, yeah. It's like a cactus. Yeah, you just leave them in a corner and they thrive. They thrive. Blame the cactus naturally evolved to be like this. You are an assault to God. Much like Goose, this guy, he's a badass.

He's a badass. That's right. And you know, depending on your perspective, maybe just bad. But that's, you know, that's everyone. That's history, baby. That's history. That's everyone who's been written about in history. Anyone remembered that long? Probably not the best. That's history, baby. That's history. That's everyone who's been written about history. Anyone remembered that long?

Probably not the best. That's so true. That's very true. Probably. Um, yeah, he always says that about Jesus. Um, so, oh, not my off pod. Sorry, Dave. Well, he's not the best because this guy's the best.

Dave's always- He's number one, whatever this guy is. Number one, Jason. Number one, Jason. Number two, Viking King. Number three, JC. Dave's always. Is number one. Whoever this guy is. Number one, Jason. Number two, Viking King. Number three, JC. JS. Number two, JC.

Number three. But Jesus have a middle name. Probably goose. H. Yeah, Jesus H Cross. People do say that. Hmm. Hmm.

There'd be a reason. I don't know it. Me either. Stands for horny. Jesus horny crossed. Clean your room. He would have for horny. Jesus, horny Christ. Clean your room. He would have been horny.

He would have. He was in his 30s. I mean, it was probably calming down. His 20s. Oh yeah. Well, they're not written about at all. Probably no one. What was he doing in his 20s?

Root rat? Yeah. Lost years. No offense. Matt, do go on. So yeah, so our legs just... What was he doing in his 20s? Root rat? Lost years. No offense. Matt, do go on. So, yeah, so Oleg's just heading down the river, just going, all right, you're with us now, we'll be back to collect.

You're it, you're it, we got you guys. And then apparently once a year, he'd do a winter tour called the Polidi, Apology, Apology. Doesn't really matter. Apology. He'd do a winter tour called the Poli-die, Poli-joo, Poli-gee. Doesn't really matter. Apology. He'd do a winter apology. Apology. Sorry, but I'm going to need your money. Sorry, I'm taking all that tax now.

The English translation was to the people. I'm just heading out to the people to take some stuff. It's my winter tour to the people. I winter in the people. No, that didn't work. It worked. It worked really well, almost too well. Oh, no.

Almost so well that it didn't actually work that well at all. Awesome. That's my sweet spot. So he's just traveling around collecting furs, wax, honey and slaves. And so fucked up. And then he's taken them, sent him back to Kiev by boat and then on to Constantinople, the Byzantine capital to be traded. Apparently, the Byzantine Empire wasn't so keen on letting rampaging Vikings into their city.

But after a series of attacks on Constantinople, it got to the point that the Byzantine government will like, we'll pay you to stop. Right. Let's make it. Let's cut a deal. Yeah. Yeah. we'll pay you to stop. Right, let's make a, let's cut a deal. Yeah, yeah. We'll pay you to stop? Here's some cash, but we've got to make a deal. We're going to let some of you come in through our gates to trade, because we can see that,

you know, it's worth both of our wiles, but 50 max at a time. And also you got to leave your weapons at the door. Correct. Wow. So that was the deal. Like a key party. Yeah. And whoever's axe you pick up. Oh I got Oleg's. The big one.

I got daddy's. Is it? You want to hop down? Okay. Sorry, do go on. So this deal that Oleg brokered with Constantinople was in 9-11 and was seen as being very fabulous. 9-11? Yes, the first one. Oh my God, the original. Yeah.

Because I grew up thinking the sequel was the original. The Porsche, the Porsche car? What are we talking about here? Oh yeah, that's a trilogy of 9-11, isn't it? In a way. But you know, this one was the year and it was... The year 9-11. Jess and I were so confused. I was like, and it was the year 911. Just my worst second guess. I was like, what?

The year 911, OK. Oh, that's ages ago. Yes. So that was when the deal was made and it was seen as being a really good deal for the Kivian Rus. According to Britannica, the agreement regulated commercial relations between the two states and laid the basis for the development of permanent and lucrative trade activities between Constantinople and Kievan Rus'. Anywho, Oleg, he's remembered as a powerful warrior and conqueror, written up very nicely in the big book. But the same cannot be said for his successor, Igor. In the Chronicle, he is depicted as greedy, rapacious, and unsuccessful. And he's also as greedy, rapacious and unsuccessful.

And he's also, yeah, kind of the centre of the story this week. You're going to have some redeeming feature though, he's got to be really hot. Well, his wife did a lot of cool stuff. I think his wife's the redeeming feature. He's a wife guy. He's a wife guy. And the thing, the inciting incident for this week's story is his death. Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Eagle, he sounds shit. Yeah. Is it Eagle the shit? But he would have been dead by now anyway, I should say that if anyone

is mourning his loss. By now. By now. 2025. Yes. Yeah, probably. Yeah. He would have died anyway. I died young back then. Yeah. Before he died, he proved an underwhelming leader, according to Britannica. He led an expedition to Trans-Caucasia that ended in total disaster for his forces. He also conducted two expeditions against Byzantium. Byzantium? Like in the Marvel movies? I'm going to say it again, but now that you've enjoyed it, AJ, I'll probably leave it in. God damn it.

He also conducted two expeditions against Byzantium in 941 and 944. But these were way less successful than his predecessor. Many of his ships were destroyed. And then the treaty that they finally concluded in 944 was a lot less advantageous to Kiev Than the one obtained by Oleg in 911. So they were renegotiated because he wasn't as powerful.

Yeah, I know I mean he tried to he tried to attack him again, but obviously it was like they're like, oh Actually, you're weaker than we thought. Yeah, you would have been better off just staying at home. Yeah. We were scared and now we're not. Yeah. I think he got should have read out of the deal anyway. It's all about bluffing. Yeah. Apparently he's saying whatever you want. He did.

He did make some gains for his state, though, including subjugating the East Slavic tribe of Drevliyan. And this is this word, this, and these people is spelled differently across sources. And I'm not super confident with how to say it, but you know, when I'm saying something like Drev- Drevlan. I'm talking about these guys. These guys are the other key player for the rest of the story. Okay. Drevlan. Drevlan. Dreb land.

Dreb land. Dreb land. Dreb land. The Drebys. Dreb Dreb dogs. Dreb Dreb dogs. Yeah, big, big Dreb dogs. Um, apparently. Dreb heads. Dreb heads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had spoken for a while. I think Dreb heads is good though. Yeah, thanks. Um, these are the guys that kill Eagle.

Okay. So him taking down the DREV Heads wasn't particularly popular amongst his own people who saw it as a drain on their resources. But I think like some of his army men wanted like better uniforms and stuff. So he's like, oh, I'm going to go get some new income sources from these guys. But everyone else is like, why are you draining our sources on this just for... So it wasn't particularly popular. His own people didn't really like him. And Linda Rodriguez McRobbie writes, if Igor was unpopular with

his own people, imagine how much less the drevheads liked him. Especially after he violently subjugated them and forced them to pay an annual tribute, not just once, as was customary and implied by the word annual. Multiple times. We won a monthly annual tribute. He started going, oh, maybe I'll head back. And he's like basically doing U-turns. He's on his way back to Kiev to drive. Oh, actually, no, I'm not going back to those he's like, basically doing U-turns. He's on his way back to the caravanser.

Actually, no, I'm not going back to those drivens. Yeah, that's everything. Yeah. Taking everything. So after they're like, all right, man, you are taking the piss now. And we've run out of piss. You've taken it all. Yeah, they were they were peeved. I was being peeved and keyed.

So when 945 came around and Igor came back to make another unscheduled collection, their leader Prince Mal, M-A-L. Prince Mal. That's awesome. Prince Mal. Mal. Prince Mal. Get on your mouth.

Leader of the Drevheads. He was fed up and apparently this is according to the big book, the Chronicle or the English translation of it. He told his tribe, if a wolf come among the sheep, he will take away the whole flock one at one, one by one. One at one. One at one. He wanted to try again.

He wanted to try getting it clean. But we jumped in and saw. What do we play pick up here? One on one. One at one. One at one. One at one? One on one. One at one. One at one.

One by one. Unless he be killed, if we do not thus kill him now, he will destroy us all. No, basically saying... This guy's fucked. He's fucked. He's taken all our piss. We have no piss left to give. I was saving that piss for my daughter's 21st.

Yes. Now, you know, if we don't get rid of him, then he's going to probably, you know, take a future piss. So we haven't even done yet. We haven't even pissed. Yeah. Yeah. This guy's absurd. He's taken our grandchildren's piss and they're not even born. Yeah. Yeah. So they did something about it. And as 10th century Byzantine writer Leo the Deacon recorded, Igor quote, was captured by them, tied to tree trunks and torn in two. Whoa. Apparently some, and this is another thing that historians these days doubt actually happened, but you know, maybe a lot of it's adding a little bit of extra.

You got to add some spice. At first he was torn in one. I don't care about truth. Can I be honest? Yeah. I don't give a fuck what happened. I want to know the spiciest version. Okay, great.

Should I stop saying that? I'll stop saying that. I think we know that, you know, take it as a greater sum. It's been spiced up a little bit. It's been a bit spicy. So apparently the idea is that they pulled two trees down, you know, bendishable trees down. Bendishable. Bamboo.

Yeah, a couple of palms. Tied them between them and then let them go, fwink, whoa. Whoa. That's awesome. That's awesome. Fwink. That's awesome if it's a cartoon.

Yeah. I wouldn't want to actually see that happen, but if it's a cartoon, it's pretty funny. So like a crocodile came up, bit him into parts. Yeah, bit him into pieces. Head went that way. Yeah. Legs went that way.

Exactly right. Yeah, that's right. Wow. Instead of crocodiles, a tree came up, bit him into parts, pieces. Dinosaur, chop him, daddy. That sort of thing. That is, of course. As they're like, don't chop the dinosaur, daddy.

Chop it. But what you said was dinosaur dinosaur, chop him daddy. And it really took me, no, it took, I took too many steps. Oh, I got it immediately. I got it immediately, because the girl I went to high school with did a dance class with that girl. Oh, holy shit. God, you've brushed shoulders with fame.

Oh my God, apparently she hated it. That is, that's really great, but I did think you were going to say that you went to school with a girl who did a dance about. Me too! A dance version. Interpreted dance. She did an interpretive dance about that ad for Natural Confectionery Co. Papa! Don't!

And she's the dinosaur? Yeah, it's everybody walk the dinosaur, but it's like a scary one. It's kind of Lady Gaga performance art. And then it depends everybody walk the dinosaur, but it's like a scary one. It's got Lady Gaga performance on it. And then it just ends with her saying, chop it, blackout. Chop it. Yeah, so powerful. So yeah, so- A beautiful piece. They ripped him in two.

That's brutal. Ego's been, he's been ripped in two. But he sucked, right? Well, it seems like it, certainly according to the big book. Yeah. Yeah, chop him. Now it's time to finally introduce the main character of this episode. Certainly according to the big book. Yeah. Yeah, chop him. Now it's time to finally introduce the main character of this episode. Igor's wife Olga.

Sherman writes, according to the Chronicle, Olga married Igor in 903. The source knows little of her early years, but states that she was born in Skorov, a major town near Lake Pipus on the Asunian-Russian border in 890. Pepys. I would say I did look up a few videos how to pronounce Skorov. And they said Lake. Lake Pepys I just re-bought it there. Lake Pepys, is that what I'm thinking?

Pepys? She was born in 890. 890. Well, see this is- And they got married in nine- 903. Fuck. But it's-

Oh, don't do math. No. The- They died at like 20 back then though. Hang on. Is this right? They did used to get married quite young, didn't they? Yeah, but that's a bit too young.

I'd say that's a bit too young. That's young, particularly if you're like from a royal family or something. They're often matching you up. Yes. Getting the tie together. The yeah, her birthday is like a circus. Got a little scene next to it. They're really not sure about it.

They're like old brown. Because something's in the story. She's like, no, yeah, I'm 13. She's like 40. But also it's weird because at that part of the story, she seems pretty young for that. And then later it's like she's having a kid in her 50s and they're like that maybe was unlikely as well. So there's a few things that are a bit like they're not quite sure about the timelines.

Oh, she's awesome. Should I sing? Always. What happened? I've got this report open on three different tabs and I clicked on the wrong one. It was way further down. I'm like, where is it? Wait.

The end. Are we going to be here? For Ebsco, Michael C. Paul writes the main bridge over the- Michael C. Hall? Michael C. Paul. Sorry. Michael C. Hall, Michael C. Paul. Oh, sorry. Michael C. Hall, is he an actor? Dexter.

He's Dexter. Yes. I was thinking he was the guy from Weird Science. What's that guy's name? Is he another Michael or a C or a Hall? Doesn't matter. You know, he might not be that guy. I could be wrong. No, I think you're right.

Thanks. But I just- Who do you think you have Neil deGrasse? No. Tyson? Yeah. Are you thinking of. I was thinking of Anthony Michael Hall. Okay. Which is actually pretty close, is it? Yeah. Michael Hall. Yeah. So actually what I did there was fine. But we're talking about Michael Paul. He's just a guy who wrote an article about it. We've just met our main character. Yes. So Michael C. Paul, the guy by Dexter writes, the main bridge, the main bridge, the main bridge, the main bridge. The main bridge over the Velikaia River in Skorf is still named for her. And there is a cross on the nearby riverbank called Olga's cross. Oh cool. According to the book of royal degrees, Igor met Olga while he was, this is, do you

guys like a meet cute? Cause this is one of those. Yeah. Igor met Olga while he was fishing along the Villa Quea River in Skorf, seeing a fish on the other side of the river. He called over a boat to carry him to the other side. I love this. He's like, oh, there's a fish over there. So I'd better I'd better hurry over there because the fish is going to stay in one spot. Don't cast a line near it or anything like that. I'm imagining it's on the bank. Like, we're going to get a fish back in the water.

He can't breathe. He can't. You're not meant to be out there. They're trying to help the fish. Yeah, fishing was a different thing back then. It was saving fish. So, yeah, he calls for one of his boats to take him to the other side. Once in the boat, Igor noticed that the boatman was in fact a maiden named Olga who was quote, very young, beautiful.

Did she say that? She's, hello, I'm very young. Yeah, this is a 40-year-old pretending to be 13. Why are you in charge of a boat if you're only 13? Very young, beautiful and brave. I am Beautiful and brave say that on your business card actually Yeah, thank you for knowing that he was smitten by her appearance as quote his passions were kindled and he uttered shameless words to her What? Like what? Sometimes I piss myself at night. Is that why he's so, that's why he's taken so much of it? It's a shame.

He's like, and he splashes around, see it could have been anyone. There's piss everywhere. There's piss everywhere. So it's not really, it's like Dave and Goose's farts. Yeah. It's awesome. Sherman continues, Olga is notarts in the studio today. Sherman continues, Olga is not mentioned in the Chronicles again until 942.

What about the fish? Did he save the fish? Yeah, was the fish okay? The fish, the fish lived and still lives. The fish is still alive. Oh, that's so good to hear. End report. We hear a lot about the fish, but we didn't hear about her for 30, 30 years or something. Yeah. Decades go by. Much like Jesus in the Bible. I think because some of these stories are like, we're telling a story and when they're important, we'll tell you about them. When they're not, you know, things go along. She was around. She was just at home. She wasn't noteworthy. Watching neighbors. Yeah, she was watching

neighbors. So she's brought up again when she gives birth to Igor's son, Sviatoslav. There's too many people. Yeah, well, you know, he's just their son. They've got a son. Sviatoslav. Sviatoslav. Sviatoslav. That's a sick name. Call him the boy. The boy. The boy. So this means that when his dad died, he was only three years old, not ready to rule. Okay, brag. Not-

I was 18, okay, but we live for longer now. Okay, we're all special. We're equally special. Okay. And I think that's important if you are listening as far as yourself. Sorry. But yeah, Sherbin says the Chronicle was compiled a while after her lifetime and chronological slips a path of the course with medieval authors. So it's likely that some of these dates are erroneous.

That's why maybe she wasn't in her fifties when she gave birth. So yeah, her husband is murdered, her son's too young to rule. So that means Olga becomes the regent, making her the first recorded female ruler of the Rus'. Now was the Drebheads turn to take the piss. As they suggested to Olga, after they killed her husband, that she marry their leader Prince Mal. Oh, Prince Mal. They're like, hey, we've heard you're single.

She's like, he's not, he's not cold yet. Yeah. They buried him as well, the Dwarf Heads. They buried him out by their place. Like, you know, we come get married by your husband's grave basically. That's beautiful. Do they have to bury him in two spots? Because one bit catapulted over there.

Yeah, it was there. The other half catapulted over there. Efficiency, they just like would bury him where he lies, which is, yeah, quite a few miles apart. We just dug a big channel. But yeah, they're like, Prince Ma- think about it, Olga. You and Prince Mal, power couple. Combine the two?

That sounds like a match made in heaven. Yeah. Except that, you know, Mal just murdered her husband. But I'm off from that. And I, like, I think the Dreadheads were like, Mal, you know, we've got the upper hand here. Yeah. We showed how powerful we are. We killed your guy. Yeah, if you say no. There's no man ruling your place now.

So your place is without a ruler, because there's no man. Yeah. You're just's no man ruling your place now. So your place is without a ruler because there's no man. Yeah. You're just a little weighty. You're just a tiny little weighty. You couldn't do it. Too much work. You're breaking now. How will you watch Neighbours? Better if we do it. Yeah. So so she goes.

So they sent 20 of their best men to Kiev to put the idea to Olga. And Sherman writes Olga met the Drevheads, the Derevilian embassy outside the gates of Kiev responding that she was intrigued by the proposal, but wanted to honor the delegation at public ceremony the next day to which they could be carried in their boats. Apparently they were like, they'd come down the rivers and they're like, now you can carry us from here. You know, they'll been real pricks about it. Yeah. I had to piggyback them all one by one.

Yeah. Oh no, the whole boat, like they'd lift up the boat and all the drive heads would be in the boat and they just carry him over land. That is insane. That's the stupidest shit I've heard in my life. Yeah. Just get off the boat. Put the boat in the water.

Carry the boat. Carry us. But she water. The hair of the boat, curious. But she was like... She's like, absolutely, of course. And she was like, you know what? Hey, it's not like my husband that you killed is gonna be able to rise from the dead. I need a husband, obviously. Yeah, obviously. I'm just a little lady.

Yeah. Come back and go to your camp overnight. Come back. Chill on your boat. We were, I want to set up a big do for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. So they went back to their camp and once they left,

Olga ordered her men to dig a large ditch right in front of her castle on their property. Something's going on. Then the following day- It's a party ditch, it's fine, don't worry. She's celebrating a big thing. Just a ditch, it's to cook a pig. Yeah, yeah.

A really big pig. A really big pig. A really big pig. And then she said to her people, I want you to find a pig big enough for this ditch. Queen, I don't think we can do that. Maybe we should have started with- We should have found a pig. We should have found a pig first and then maybe built a ditch for that pig rather than a ditch and then find an impossibly big pig.

But that's the thing. It's like what comes first, the ditch or the pig? Yeah. And then they're just starting in their biggest pig and going, well that looks ridiculous. It's like a drop in a bucket. It's like a sausage in a hallway. I guess do we get more pigs?

I don't know if we're gonna eat or it seems wasteful. We can make like a Voltron style pig where a pig is each leg and a pig for an arm. Yeah. And then the biggest pig being the pig torso each leg and a pig for an arm. Yeah. And then the biggest pig being the pig torso. Then we're kind of out of pigs though. And after one night, do you want to spend all your pigs on one night? You can't spend all your pigs at once.

But you got to remember this is the Drabheads, you know. True. We're combining our two. Yeah. Then we'll be able to use their pigs. Yeah, that's true. We took all their piss, but we to use their pigs. Yeah, that's true. We took all their piss, but we left all their pigs. Yeah. So, yeah, this is according to Sherman.

The Drevhead embassy presented itself in sumptuous stress, demanding that they be carried to town aloft their wooden boats. According to plan, the boats were dumped into the ditch and the men were buried alive. Whoa! What about the pigs? Did they get the pigs out? According to plan the boats were dumped into the ditch and the men were buried alive Shove that's pretty funny in addition then decided bear daddy because they're like these pompous people in their beautiful best God in their beautiful best garb, their Sunday best, and then they're like, hang on a second,

no, why are you chubbling dirt on top of me? Yeah, yeah, they're like, we've got them cornered here. Wow. We're gonna make her marry our guy, Mal. I think that Olga might be a bit of a badass. Yes. Yeah. I think she might be a bit of a psycho.

Yeah. Throw them in the hole, I'm burying them. Okay, we're going back in the 900s, I'm into it. I'm into it. I support women's wrongs. Apparently, like she was, she even had a little sass to it. This was according to Rodriguez McRobbie. Apparently, before her men shoveled the dirt over them, Olga leaned over the edge and asked if this particular honor was to their taste. Is this good? Is this good?

Is this good? Is this good? You're feeling honored, feeling special. Wow. Okay. Happy with this dirt. Happy with this dirt. Do you want something else?

Can we get, is this dirt fine enough for your taste? That's incredible. So it's clear that Olga was pretty PO'd about them murdering her husband and she wanted revenge. She's a bad bitch. Even though it sounded like he was a pretty dopey guy. Oh yeah. But she's still like, he was my dopey guy. Robbie's blind.

Yeah, that's right. He's my dopey fool, all right? As Rodriguez McRobbie writes, I can now reveal what her book's called. I thought it would give too much away. It's called Princesses Behaving Badly. It's so good. Is there just multiple stories? Well, yeah. I'd love to read that book actually. Yeah. Well, I've got it on audio and in ebook form and I'm going to be using it for future

episodes, I'm sure, because there's a lot of great tales in there. Yeah. That's awesome. But yeah, this is Rodriguez McRobbie writes, her next move was to send word back to the Drebheads requesting their noblest and most distinguished men to come to her court and accompany her back to their kingdom so that she could join their prince. If not shown this honor, she warned her people will not let her go. She's like, you're going to have to send some more of your best over. They don't know what happened to these guys. That's so funny. And then they need to tell me, I can't go come by myself. How could I? They won't let me. My people won't let me. How to whittle.

Sherman writes, unaware of his first embassy's gruesome demise, Prince Malch complied with the wishes of his future bride. When the best men of the Derevia, the Drebheads, arrived in Kiev, Olga invited them to bathe before saying head off to the bathhouse. Oh, it's beautiful. Joseph, it's really nice. Clean yourself up. It's been a long journey. Our town's right on a natural hot spring.

It is gorgeous. Normally, 100 bucks to get in. You guys, make yourselves at home. Please help yourself to towels, robes. I've worded up the cafe. They're ready for you. Just enjoy. Give you a croissant. Normally $48 for that croissant. Ask Sven does a fantastic macchiato. Yes. And a fantastic massage.

The man has magical hands. We are so lucky to have him. So yeah, please make yourself at home, enjoy. But once they're in the bath house, they were locked in and set on fire. Fuck. My thought was they'll make the water really hot and boil them. Boil them?

But fire. Like if you're in the sauna, at what point do you think, I think they're trying to kill me in here. It's hot. Honestly? I expect it to be hot. As soon as I walk into a sauna, I'm like, someone's trying to kill me. As soon as I walk into a sauna, I assume that I'm going to be locked in.

Yeah, I don't like saunas. I'm in a movie. I can't breathe in saunas. Have you been to the dry ones, the infrared ones? No. Much nicer. OK. It's not all wet. Yeah. OK. I like it.

Are you not making it? You're making your own moisture though, right? What? You're pissing them, right? You're pissing them in the infrared. Well, I think a lot of the sauna's moisture is your own sweat, isn't it? No.

No, you're not sweating, that's just, I was ashamed of my own sweat. What? You are sweating. Have you been to a sauna? You walk into the sauna and you see the mist and you think, oh, that's from me. That's true. Oh, you think, oh, that's from the others that have been in here.

You think you're walking in. I'm just walking into a cloud of other people's sweat. No, I think it's both. It's a moist air. Yes, of course. But is it so, but in the dry one. Good for the breathing. But it's not just sweat.

No, it's not. But the one, the one where you are in there and it's not a moist environment. Yeah. Is there no, so you're not even moist? No, it's hot. It's still hot. Yes. And your body's still real sweat.

So you will still sweat. You'll still sweat, but not in the same way. So that's what I said. You're bringing your own, providing your own moisture. That is, I guess, what you said. That might have been what you said. It still wasn't right. Okay. I was curious and I asked him. Are you bringing your own moisture because you're sweating? I got saliva in my mouth. I have BYO saliva today. That's my moisture. Oh my God. That's so true.

That really does make you think. That's actually hurt my brain. I need you to do go on or I'll spiral. Okay, so they're burned alive. They should have brought their own moisture. Two creative ways to kill and seek vengeance. I think we're having fun. This is Shakespearean. Yes, yes it is. It is.

Is it made up? Did he write this? Ah, he probably ripped it off, right? He's from after this time, isn't he? He's after this time. He's after, yes. Yeah. I don't know. You think Shakespeare, you think derivative. I think D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- name, isn't it? It's incredible. A lot happening. Rodriguez McRobbie writes,

apparently no one was telling the Dravilians that every man they'd sent so far had been murdered. Like the word was not getting back. Send more guys. They're loving it. Send more. We're having fun over here. So send more guys.

Well, this she changes tactics. She sends a messenger to them saying, I'm coming. Let's let's let's have a party to celebrate what we're doing here. We're bringing it, bringing us all together. Let's have a party. Red wedding. And she told them to prepare great quantities of mead in the city where her husband was buried. Yeah.

So that she could, quote, weep over his grave and hold a funeral feast for him. She arrived with a small retinue of soldiers. And when the drivelians asked where all their noble and best men were, she lied and said, Oh, they're on their way. Oh, did they not get, Oh, we must have overtaken them. Yeah. Yeah. So cause you know, they're, you know, those big boats, you guys have got those beautiful big boats. I fed them the biggest pig and they are full up digesting. They're very full. Yeah.

They're sweating it out in the in the hothouse. Yeah. Why are you winking at me, Olga? Olga's messenger. So yeah, Rodriguez McRobbie continues. In the meantime, she suggested they all get down to feasting and drinking. Let's party. Let's celebrate. This is. They'll be here any minute.

This is how Igor would have wanted to be remembered. Yeah. Partying with the people who killed him. Yes. And then saying, yeah, I'll marry you. Yeah. Yeah. For Museum Hack, Alex Johnson writes, the maid was flowing. But while the drivillians were blacking out, Olga's men had been ordered to t total and keep their wits about them. When the time was right and the Dravilians were good and sloshed,

Olga brought down the hammer, killing 5000 of the Dravilians. Whoa. Although Johnson agrees. And like this is all all the stuff. 5000 feels like an exaggeration. That's a lot. I mean, it's hard to sneak up on five thousand people. How drunk do they need to be? Just like going around and they're all like passed out. Yeah, another one. Stab.

And a stab to you. And no one's waking up. Yeah. This is just party games, guys. If anyone's hearing this, these screams are of joy. We're playing pin the tail on the donkey sort of thing. So by this point you probably get the idea why one of our topic suggestors, Lady Paul Smith, described this as quote, one of the most bone chilling revenge tours in history. Revenge tour.

That's fun. We should do one of those next time we go out on the road. Taylor Swift revenge tour. I'm in my revenge era. That's awesome. Should we enter our revenge era? Yeah. Oh, could I come?

No. Well, could you have it on me? Yeah. Avenge you or take revenge on you? Nah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Revenge on me. Okay. I've done all kinds of stuff to you guys.

Mostly hold a dog who's fighting a lot. I've been holding this dog the whole time. Great work. Goose wishes to be on me, but not in a way that makes me feel comfortable. No. I imagine this is doing your core great things. Thank you. I just want to say on the record, you could put him down at any time.

Well, I put him down for a bit and then he sat at my foot going, yeah. So I thought I'll pick him back up. This is why I don't bring him to work. Tim does this as well. Can I get a quick photo? Yeah yeah. The way he looks is so funny as well. I didn't plug my show guys. I just held the dog. What a great opportunity. At some point. Hey before, so the revenge tour is not over yet Michelle, but you're about to go on a revenge tour.

That's so true. I'm going to Edinburgh for my revenge. You famously hate Edinburgh and the fringe. So now it's time to take revenge. Yeah. My book's coming out in the United Kingdom. I'm going to have a book launch at the Guild of Balloon, and I'm also going to do my new show, It's a Shame We Won't Be Friends next year, which has not even been on in Melbourne

yet. What the heck? You get it fresh. That's so good. I like how you're disrespecting them like they disrespect us by trialling their shows here before doing revenge. Yeah. Yeah.

I've never disrespect them. That is revenge. Revenge tour. I disrespected, I did it in Perth and Adelaide. Yeah. The cities. I actually really respect Adelaide. Yeah, me too.

And I've been to Perth. I love, I personally, I prefer saying early. Oh my God, Goose. That's the worst fart I've ever smelt. Put him down, put him down. Goose, we're gonna have to have a lot of fun. Veterinarian style. Put him down veterinarian style. But yeah, I genuinely do love seeing earlier iterations of shows anyway.

I reckon while there's still a few creases yet to be ironed out and what not. Yeah, although it is perfect and worth the ticket price. Oh, of course. But if you want to say before, you know, while there's still light in your eyes, obviously, by the time you bring it back to Melbourne, you'll be like on rote. Just pretending stuff's improved, but it's not. So another massacre.

That's three kind of mini massacres. Well, this one was probably not even a mini massacre. That was proper massacre. Wow. But is Prince Mal safe? He's not part of it. I don't think we hear of Mal again. I think they got Mal. They might have got Mal. Wow. Get him. I'm not 100% sure on that, but he's not really relevant to the story anymore.

But she's not done. Yeah, good. All right. I'm not 100% sure on that, but he's not really relevant to the story anymore, but she's not done. Yeah, good. Fuck yeah. Right, the revenge continues. It's a tour. You can't call three stops a tour. That's not a tour.

She returns to Kiev to ready her army for further attacks and they tear through Javelin villages, either killing, but also a subject like taking taxes and your back, getting you back on the right path. That's right. Killing those villages that definitely had a lot to do with the death of your husband. I don't care who you are, what you work for, please just let me alone. Yeah. And then they tried to take down the capital, Iskoruston, but it was quite a fortified city gated community. Like my mum lives in.

Yeah, that's beautiful. So they couldn't get at them, but they were basically keeping them in siege. So they were probably slowly starving and running out of of bibs and bobs. Wait, is that her? No, that's them. That's the Drebheads. She's at the gates. She's surrounding them. Yeah. And back to Rodriguez, McRobbie.

Olga and her army spent a year trying to take the city by force, but without success. Finally, she devised another plan. Olga sent a message to the besieged people asking, why do you persist in holding out? All of your cities have surrendered to me and submitted to tribute so that the inhabitants now cultivate their fields and their lands in peace. But you had rather die of hunger without submitting to tribute? She's like, why? This doesn't make any sense.

We're here. Why aren't you trusting me to do business? Why don't you trust me? All I do is kill everyone all the time. Every time, every chance I get. What? I just do it in really brutal and creative ways. What?

What? And the Travillians were like, oh, we'd be happy to pay tribute, but we kind of know you're still hell bent on revenge. Yeah, that's the revenge thing. And she's like, no, no, no, no. Me, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Thank you so much for checking though. That's really nice of you. I don't desire further revenge, but I am anxious to receive just a small tribute from you. After I've made peace with you, I shall return home again. I'm done.

Okay. Yeah, I just want to go home. I want to check out the bath. Oh, that's right. The bath house burned down. I'm going to rebuild the bath house. I've got some Renaults to do. I'm busy.

So the tribute she requested was three sparrows and three doves from each household in the city, which I guess is something that each household had. Oh, but once you give your best three sparrows and your best three doves. I'm not giving my best. She didn't say your best. She just said three. No, she didn't say her best. Three of each.

That's alright then. What's this piece of shit? That's not a dove. And the townspeople are like, oh, that's actually really reasonable because we're pretty low on a lot of stuff. So this is- We are flush with doves. Yeah, I've actually got too many doves.

I was going to start killing doves. So that's perfect actually, yeah. You can have those for sure. So yeah, they're happy to oblige. And while Olga was seemingly playing nice, in truth, her bone chilling revenge to her had one last stop. I knew it. I trusted her. Once the birds were collected, she handed them out to each soldier. Got a bird, one bird per soldier, which at that time they were like, oh, what a sweet perk.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Olga. Thank you for this bird. But then she said, I want you to tie a sulfur dipped cloths to the bird's feet, each of the bird's feet. Basically turning them into weapons. And as Johnson writes, once it was dark. He was fucking hell. On fire flaming.

Once it was dark, Olga's soldiers released the pigeons and sparrows, who naturally flew back to their nests in their houses, coupes and haystacks. And the whole city was soon set aflame at once and the Dravilians fled. So they're like, we can't put out one fire at a time. The whole city just started burning instantly. She is very creative. That's creative stuff. Yeah.

Are the birds okay? I reckon yes. Yeah, I think yes... I reckon yes. Yeah, I think yes. I think yes. I think once the little bit of rope that was attaching the bomb to them, um, burnt, they just flew off. So the birds are fine. I think they built in a little, a little, they pulled the string.

They wet the birds. Yeah, the birds were wet. Oh yeah, birds were super wet. They brought their own moisture. That's what it was. They brought their own moisture. B-Y-O-M. That's what you said before, I only just got it now.

And what's the stuff they put on stump men, like that fire retardant, they put that on them. Yeah. Oh yeah. So those birds were fine. They were fine. They've got a good couple of minutes. Yeah, they're fine.

And then they fly away. So it's okay. Okay. Birds are fine. Birds are fine. Oh, people are dead. All the people are dead. That's OK. But the birds are OK. Yeah. Yes. Some people did survive and, you know, they were fleeing the city.

I was like, oh, now you want to leave the gated community. OK. Oh, now the gates suddenly not malfunctioning like you've been saying it was. Oh, the gates. Oh, it's stuck in a whore. And Johnson writes some of these people was. Oh, the gates. Oh, it's stuck in a whore. And Johnson writes, some of these people that were fleeing, she killed. She kept some as slaves and the rest,

when she couldn't kill or enslave anymore, she let the rest stay, rebuild their city so they could start paying tribute. Wow, a merciful queen. Yeah. Cool. Fucking hell. I know, it's all pretty hectic. It's very Game of Thrones, isn't it. Yeah. Cool. Fucking hell. I know, it's all pretty hectic.

It's very Game of Thrones, isn't it? Yeah, it is. And that's why I think a lot of historians are like, this all feels a little bit written. Like it's too fantastical, but also, you know, were you there, historians? Prove that it didn't happen. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I bet you can't. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. Yeah. Show me something you wrote a thousand years ago that said it didn't happen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. Yeah. Show me something you wrote a thousand years ago that said it didn't happen. Yeah. Burn. Bet you can't. Burn. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Make like three pigeons and three doves. And burn. No. And burn things below you. Burn the village. Yes.

Full of living people and also probably other animals. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well. Oh, no. So it seems this weaponizing of birds finally signaled the end of Olga's bloody revenge tour. Oh, so she's actually out of her system now.

Yeah, she's got it. She's done. Sherman writes, Olga's handling of the rebels, known as Olga's vengeance, constitutes one of the most colourful episodes in Eastern Slavic history. As I mentioned before, it's unclear how much of this story is accurate and what's been exaggerated. Rogreghez and McRobbie writes, the story echoes several Viking myths which seem particularly fascinated with the gory revenge of angry widows.

Other sources do corroborate parts of the story though, specifically Igor's grizzly murder and the equally gruesome military retribution that followed. Some part, you know, this stuff did, she did exist. She was the ruler and her husband died and she probably fucked some shit up. We just don't know exactly what and whatever but I know the story is like you say it's Shakespearean game of Thrones Ian What do I go to name JK Rob no JK Rowling yeah that guy JJ no, let's make a Love that

What is that girl's name? JK Robert Galebrath. Robert Galebrath. Something like that. Who do you think you're George RR Martin? Yes, I knew it was a double initial. Love it. They love their double initials.

RR. RR. Lord of the Rings is another double initial guy. Ah, who cares? All these fucking men writing all their big long stories. They're too long. They're too long. Grow up.

Boys, learn to edit. I think. Brevity, lads. I've just had a flashback. Fuck's sake. Someone got really annoyed with you when you're on at one point, I mean one comment. What did they say?

And you know they stick with me. They said something about how they're like, hey, you were, you were saying that it was, it was a woman who likes that sort of stuff and you'd said it was for boys and they're like, it's not just for boys. Oh, you know, I'd wager that I was just making a little joke. That's what I assume as well. On Comedy Podcast, Michelle, there's no place for that. As a comedian, sometimes you say things just as a little joke. Michelle, let me just try and get in their voice.

Jokes are meant to be funny. Thank you. Thank you so much. No, fair enough. That is fair enough. No, and I'm sorry I upset you. Thank you so much. Fair enough. That is fair enough. No, and I'm sorry I upset you. Shut up. Oh, they've stopped listening, I think. Yeah, I think that was that was end of it. That was it. I lost you a listener.

Yeah. Oh, we've lost a few more today. You know, it's just how you go. Thanks for having me on continuously. Even though I drive the numbers into the ground. Others will never end, you know? That's true. You're like a prisoner trying to escape and in your pockets are our listeners and you're just like scattering them.

Yeah, yeah. Just trying to put it into terms that you could understand. Yeah. Sure shank redemptioned it. I've never seen that. That's for boys. Oh, there's another one. Did I never seen that? That's for boys. I've actually seen and thoroughly enjoyed short. I'm a girl. I'm a girl.

No, that's a lie. Rodriguez McRobbie writes after exacting her event. She acted as region for a son with efficiency and strength for at least two decades. The toddlers like you did what on my behalf? Yeah, she has a toddler. She went out on a fucking killing spree. I like to think he was in a baby Bjorn. Me too!

He's there all the time! He's there yelling, I'm one! He's got a little dagger! He's got a little dagger! Waving it around. Aw, that's cute. Set him on fire! He was responsible for a few deaths.

Set him on fire! We were very proud of him, yeah. Yeah, when they were all drunk, he's like, I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. I'm gonna go get some water. He has a little dagger. Waving it around. Oh, that's cute. Set him on fire! He was responsible for a few deaths. I'm very proud of him, yeah. Yeah, when they were all drunk, he's like, Now, now, can I, Mom?

Yeah, she's like, all right. Crawling around, stabbing people in the head. Good boy. Three-year-olds can walk. I just want to... Oh, advanced. Can they walk? Just very advanced, child.

Okay. I'm still learning. I don't know anything about children. Yeah, those sort of ages you like. Could be five, could be one. I'm starting to get to the point where 18 year olds could be 10 or 25. Yeah, I can't tell. I can't tell.

I have no idea. They all look so little. How old are you? He's old. I'm really old. He's as old as the wind. I'm really, really old. So, I'm going to go with 18. I have no idea. They all look so little. How old are you? He's old.

I'm really old. He's as old as a wind. I'm really, really old. So that, yeah. Yeah, okay. But then it'll be like a 27 year old. I'm like, they could be anywhere from 25 to 50. You know, I'm like, I'm bad with ages.

It's like you're a tiny child or you're middle age old or you're like nearly dead. I like I don't think I won't see a 27 year old and go they could be 70. No but they could be 40. They could be 40. Yeah. Well yeah. Am I okay? And with skincare these days it is hard to tell. It's hard to tell. And there's things you can get, there's Yeah. What? Hmm. I'm listening. It makes it makes it harder to tell. And I feel tricked. The amount of times in the past few months that Michelle Brosier has brought up Kris Jenner's facelift.

Oh my god. It's starting to concern me that Michelle's going to end up with the Kris Jenner facelift. Is it really good? Is Kris Jenner the mum or the daughter? It just comes up a lot. We've got to get it done. Yeah, you will be the further one. It's crazy. She looks absurd. Oh, that's the mum or the daughter? It just comes up a lot. I gotta get it done. It's crazy. She looks absurd.

Oh that's the mum. Yeah. Are you looking at it right now? Wow, she looks like her daughter. She looks 35. She looks, that's like, if I said this is my twin sister. That looks like Kim. That's not Kristjana. That's not Kristjana.

I know what Kristjana looks like and that's not hera. That's Christiana. I know what Christiana looks like, and that's not her face. That's what she looks like now. She's asked them to make her look more like, she looks like that woman on the left, which is her. And what is she, 50, 60? How old is she? She'd be in her 60s, surely. Surely.

That was what she was looking like. Potentially. She looked fine. Yeah. Yeah. She looks good. She was beautiful. Christiana, let's get an age check on Christiana. What do I think?

I reckon she looks fucking great. And so does Lindsay Lohan. I said late 60s. Her kids are in their 40s, she might be 70. They look so good. Every single one of that family is older than me and every single one of them looks 10 to 50 years younger than me. I saw her TikTok of an Irish comic. She was talking about how great it is, all these.

I think she was actually talking about Christiana, but I didn't understand at the time. I think it's fantastic. All these that we've, we've, we've figured out menopause. We know exactly like, we know exactly like medical science and figure these things out. Now we can start using it to do to make people look way younger. I think that's great. It was a very funny bit. How old is she? Sixty nine. Nine. That is a nice age. Oh, but she doesn't want to look 69 though. No, she obviously doesn't. She just wants to change what 69 looks like. She looks 40.

It's fucking crazy. That's it. Did you hear him? That was amazing. Oh, I missed it. She wants to change what 69 looks like. Oh. Isn't that powerful? That's really powerful.

That's so powerful. All it will cost you is three or $400,000. Easy. With the best surgeon on the planet. Three or $400,000. Feeling. Let me see, facelift cost. It's a one bedroom apartment in Preston.

A room at $174,000 US. Yep, so yeah. It's like putting a one bedroom apartment in Preston on your face. Yeah. And that sounds fantastic. I think it's fantastic. Should we get a GoFundMe?

That's what all of us, the witch of the East did that, didn't you? What am I going to do with a one bedroom apartment in Preston, you know? I'm not going to do anything with that. Yeah. What am I going to do with my face? I use that every day. I use that every day. Your face is you in a lot of ways.

Oh my God. Whoa. Yeah. It's true. Anyway, we're getting close to the end here. Sorry, we got derailed there, but it was worth it. How did we get to that? Oh, I can't remember. Me either. Oh, three year olds can walk. That's how we got there. That's so true. So back to Rodriguez McRobbie. So she, so she, she led, uh, with efficiency and strength for at least a couple of decades.

She was the first Kevian ruler to introduce them, to introduce the dog. The dogs just exploded again, I reckon. Oh, I see. I'm like, I haven't eaten beef in a long time, but I'm now smelling the beef It's kangaroo Oh Oh la la oh my god, you can't tell when you haven't eaten a long time. No, I can't tell. It's all the same to me But over here as a meat eater, I'm going that's definitely kangaroo. I know I didn't realize he's at my feet. That's why I'm getting the first wave. Hey matey.

Hey, let it out buddy. If not here where? You know what I mean? Outside probably. Outside ideally a bathroom. Different as well. At somewhere else would be great. She was also the first key in ruler to introduce the minting of coins for currency,

and she made administrative innovations that resulted in a more unified nation with embassies and ambassadors across Europe and the Mediterranean. Now, Jess, you sort of guessed at this earlier. One of the innovations she made was to have trading posts staffed by royal officials to collect a standard and agreed upon tax spread around

the realm. Wow. And this was as opposed to her husband's strategy of traveling personally and asking for random amounts at random times until it pissed them off so much that they killed him. She went, she's like, I'm gonna try a different thing. Let's make this more efficient. More efficient and also, if you do get pissed off,

I won't be there for you to take instant revenge on. Yeah, that's beautiful. Her reforms continued when she converted to Christianity. Rodriguez McRobbie writes, she was the first of her dynasty to convert to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, which opened up new commercial and diplomatic possibilities with Christian Byzantine, Moravian and Bulgarian neighbours. Sherman writes, according to the

stories told in the Chronicles, in 1954 or 1955, the Byzantine Emperor Constantine VII, Porphyrogenetus, was so struck by her beauty and intellect that he quote, remarked that she was worthy to reign with him in his city. High praise indeed. Hey, you're not bad for Sheila. You're so hot, you could rule with me. So Constantine wanted to marry her, but as Rodriguez McRobbie writes, Olga wanted only to trade with Byzantium, not give Constantine

an excuse to rule Kievan Rus'. So she pointed out that marriage would be impossible because she wasn't Christian. Oh, shame. Oh, that sucks, but yeah, you can't. Bummer. Otherwise, oh, totally. Yeah. Constantine suggested a simple solution.

He's like, why don't you get baptized? And she was like, oh. She's like, why don't you get baptized? And she was like, oh, she's like, oh, no. But she said, oh, I will. On one condition, you've got to be, you got to be the godfather. You got to be the one who's there. And you brings me in personally. And that's what happened. Sherman writes the baptism was officiated by the official head of the church and the emperor served as Olga's godfather. The church head praised her because she, quote, loved the light and quit the darkness. That's really beautiful.

So I think a lot of this book is kind of Christian propaganda. She was so murderous when she was a pagan, but then she was Christian and she was like, whoa. Zoe, Zoe. Sherman continues, following the christening, the emperor reminded Olga of his marriage proposal. I remember that you said the only reason you couldn't was that you were Christian. And Olga responded, oh, yeah, but you can't marry me because you just baptized me and you called me your daughter. You were my godfather. And I'm a Christian. She. That were my godfather. Oh my god.

And among Christians, that's unlawful. She is incredible. She's like, you must know that yourself. Come on. And the emperor exclaimed, Olga, you have outwitted me. Hey, you got me there, you sneaky little bitch. That is good. That is good. that is good.

I see you know your Christianity world. She returned to Kiev with a blessing from the patriarch, the head of the church, and rich gifts from the emperor, including gold, silk, silver and various vases. Rodriguez McRobbie calls this another legendary example of her cunning. Hmm. Again, there's doubts about the timing of this. Some of the Byzantine histories suggest she was already christened when she got there, but let's not worry about that. Despite her newfound religion, she was unable to convince her son to convert as well. Her

conversion made her a religious minority in her own country. But she is now seen as the grandmother of the church in Russia and Ukraine as after a time things started rolling that way. I think her grandson went Christian and you know, it became more and more popular. As Paul writes, she laid crucial groundwork for the future Christianization of Rus. Olga is recognized as one of the first converts among the ruling elite. I think there were like on the amongst the plebs, the average joes. There was also already some Christianity. But yeah, her contributions were seen as

instrumental in setting the stage for the eventual widespread acceptance of Christianity in the region, and for this, she went on to be canonized as a saint. She's now known as Saint Olga. But she killed so many people. And that was a miracle. In like insanely brutal and creative and like, messed up ways. But no, that was her as a pagan.

As a Christian, she was pure and good. She was chill. As soon as she converted, she stopped killing people in perfect ways. I love that. Wow. Sweet Olga. And her, I mean, this isn't relevant when this comes out, but her feast day is tomorrow at the time of recording.

Whoa. Is it? And she is honored as a saint, quote, equal to the apostles. I praise indeed. Wow. Linda. They're the big ones.

Yes. They're those big rocks, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Yeah. And there's less of them by the year. The Peninsula. They're those big rocks, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Yeah. And there's less of them by the year. The Peninsula. Yeah, that's right. Rodriguez McRobbie writes later church biographers would claim that quote, although she was a

woman in body, she possessed a man's courage. Fuck off. Bestowing the compliment in inverted commas that she was as radiant among infidels like a pearl in the dung. What? Fucking hell. You know when you drop your pearl in a pile of shit? Yeah, yeah. Wow.

That's her. No, I don't know what that is. That's my lady. A pearl in a pile of shit. Rodriguez McRobbie is saying, like, she's pointing out that that is a bit, a bit old school. Yeah. It's crazy because like she's a chick, right? Yeah. But she's actually like fucking brave, dude.

For like a chick. Amazing, man. For a chick. For a chick. Like if I was a girl, like if I was there, I would have killed six thousand of them. Yeah, but not bad for a chick. Yeah, pretty good. Shut the fuck up. The final thing I'll say is Paul talking about more writings from the primary chronicle, which says she's called the wisest of women and is further praised because quote, she shone like the moon at night and she was radiant.

Oh no, I already fucking said that bit. The pearl and shit one. The pearl and shit again. That's worth repeating because that's beautiful and that's how everyone wants to be described. Slightly more extended. You should sing it. She shone like the moon at night and she was radiant among the infidels like a pearl in the mire. Whereas the chronicler recognized her sanctity and grand Prince Vladimir had her body re-entered in a church in the early 11th century. Leave bodies alone. She, oh, by the way, she died

in 969. Oh my God. Whoa, plot twist. What the fuck, man? You can't just, I just spent so long investing in her. I thought you were about to bring her in. Bring her in? And she's here right now. And she's looking for a husband. Welcome back. Next up on 10. A dating show. So she's no, not yeah, 969 and she, uh, she died. So if she was born when they think she was, she might have lived.

969. But, um, yeah, she was at Woodstock. I think she died. 1969 she died. 1969. But yeah, she was at Woodstock. I think she died of a toe deep. That's awesome. Yeah, so potentially lived to 79, but really no one has any idea when when she was born. That's very old for back then. It's old for now, but. This last thing that Paul says, and I really only bring it up because it's a great name,

but this isn't really super relevant to anything. But she was the third Rus Saint to be venerated by the Orthodox Church after her great grandsons, Boris and Gleb. Boris and Gleb. Because Boris was already good. Yeah. And then Gleb. Boris and Gleb. Boris and Gleb. Because Boris was already good. Yeah. And then Gleb.

Gleb. I thought you were going to say Glenn, but somehow it's even better. So who wants to be Boris and who's Gleb in the group chat? I feel like I'm more of a Boris. Do you really feel that? Oh, I'm a Gleb. I'd love to be a Gleb.

I thought that would be arrogant to say I was Glebish. I'll let you fight amongst yourselves, but it's definitely going to be Boris and Gleb and I'm currently snappy little fecker. That's true. They got some. So the reason Boris and Gleb beat her to sainthood was because they were martyred in 1015. Not Boris and Gleb.

Boris and Gleb, yeah. The same year. Same year, I guess. Together? Maybe at the same time. Maybe, yeah. Were they kissing? I don't know. Okay. Yeah, well let's say. It doesn't say.

So, okay. It doesn't say that they were kissing. Boris and Gleb. I just wanna check, is Gleb one B? One B for Gleb. Gleb. Fantastic, thank you Gleb. Thank you Gleb.

So yeah, that's my report. Wow. On the, and you can see why so many people suggested it as well. Yeah. Yeah, what an amazing report. Wow. And you can see why so many people suggested it as well. Yeah. What an amazing story. Wow. Yeah. Cool.

The breakdown in the vote, like the reason why this won the vote like handsomely. This is on Patreon. People will vote for our topics and decide what we're going to talk about. And yeah, they won in a bit of a landslide. And I think the birds thing, cause people were like, I gotta find out why, how did she kill with birds? Yeah, that's a big question.

So what was it, sulfur dioxide, did you say? Yeah, sulfur cloth dipped in sulfur. Does anyone understand what that is? I was looking into it, I'm like, it doesn't seem like sulfur will ignite it itself. So there must have been some friction as well. I assume that they set it on fire and then let them go and then just throw them in the air. I think the idea was that the sulfur

would scratch on the straw and that would combust. But I couldn't figure it out. It's a component of black gunpowder, matches and fireworks. Yeah, I was gonna say that's matches. Cause I think if they're on fire, I don't think they're flying too far. But maybe it's that like, okay, you've now spread these little, very flammable things all around. So you start a couple of fires and it spreads really quickly, would be my thinking.

So this was the pitch from one of the topic suggestors. Badass woman from history goes on a vengeful murderous spree of the people who murdered her husband, including a genius move using birds, outwits multiple men who want her to remarry and later becomes canonized as a saint. I would have voted for that as well. Yeah, I think they voted really well there. Sulfur dust suspended in air ignites easily. Static electricity, something like that.

There you go. Wow. There you go. Bit of fun. Really scary. Before we wrap up though, Michelle, another opportunity, please, to tell people about where they can see you. I'm coming to Edinburgh Fringe and I'm doing my show. It's a shame we won't be friends next year at the Gilda Balloon. I'm also every weekend doing comedians auditioning for musicals with Chloe

Pets, which is four Saturdays or three Saturdays. I don't know. And it's funny because when you announced that the show was called It's a Shame We Won't Be Friends Next Year, I've commented on a couple of posts being like, I hope this isn't about me. And you've just always sort of like, haha, reacted. And I just want to quickly double check that that is not in relation to our friendship.

It's not about us. We will be friends next year. Okay. And then we'll discuss after that. Amisha, maybe I could be upgraded to that next year? So maybe if there's a spot going from one of your currents. Oh, one new one out. Yeah, we'll see.

Well, this is, okay, so it's called this because a little boy in year six said to me, it's a shame we won't be friends next year. And I said, we're going to the same high school. And he said, yeah, but I don't think people are going to like you in high school. And I was like, oh, okay. And so I've tracked him down to ask him what he, what he meant. Oh my God. You tracked him down and you got a bird.

You got a bit of something. I got a bird. I got some something. I got it. 3000 of his best men. I put him in a ditch. I got a very big pig and a one woman show out of it. Who's popular now? Say it. Say I'm popular. Say I'm likable. I'm also going to be

in Edinburgh on the 4th of September, a little bit later, but in the meantime, I'm going to be in Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide, Newcastle, Hobart, and then Cambridge, Birmingham, Manchester, Swansea, London. Huge. Tickets on sale. Ideally by this stage, I'll have them on the Dugan website, but Dave, you've got to teach me how to do that. Yeah, but just go to matstewatcomedy.com.

Yeah, that's probably easier. Yeah, they're definitely there. They're definitely there now already. They could also be on the Dugan website, yes. That's beautiful. It is so beautiful. Can you leave me a present there? Can then I'll come and find it.

I will leave you a treasure to hunt for in Edinburgh and in London. That's fun. Awesome. I'm also doing book launch in Edinburgh. Yeah. And you can buy my book in the, in the United Kingdom. Can everyone buy a book online right now? Mmm. In, when from August, I think.

Or maybe you can get it now. And remind everyone what the title is. So they can Google the right thing. The title of my book is called My Brother's Ashes Are In A Sandwich Bag. It is. It'll be August next week. Fuck. Yeah. That's crazy.

Where did the year go? Where did the year go? That is wild, isn't it? Ugh. But we hope you have the best time. I hope I have the best time too. And if I don't have a good time, well, that is down to you, Diddleston, for not turning up.

Oh, not us. Not you guys. What a weight off my shoulders. No, I would never blame you guys. That's not fair. You've got your stuff going on. We're busy. You're busy.

My dog keeps fighting. I'm very busy. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm going to go call the guy who hit my car and reassure him I don't have his number plate embedded in my car. Thanks, Michelle. Have a good day to you all.

That sounds like fun. Yes, yes it is. Well that brings us to everyone's favourite section of the show as we say goodbye to Michelle. We say hello to our great supporters. And if you want to be one of these great supporters, you can sign up at patreon.com slash do go on pod and get all sorts of stuff. All sorts of stuff. All sorts of stuff.

You get involved in a community as well. So not a cold community. And we're not charming enough to be cult leaders, but there's a, you know, you've got four bonus episodes a month. You've got an ad free feed. You've got the Facebook group, which is, you know, just what is described as the nicest corner of the internet.

And actually one of our great supporters in there, also known as the group's mom, maybe self-titled, I'm not sure. Sophie Tudor and she sets up these swaps. Do you remember this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, absolutely. They've done a magnet swap, snack swap.

Snack swap. So from all around the world, she'll team you up with someone. You live in Canada. She'll team you up with someone from New Zealand and they send each other one of these things. And I got teamed up. So I entered this the last couple. I did the t-shirt swap and I've now done the hat swap. And oh, what's that crinkle?

I've accepted delivery here. This has come all the way from Pennsylvania, I think. Wow. Bakersfield. Maybe it's in Pennsylvania. No, read the whole address. Amazon.com services. Yeah, so probably anyway.

There's a Bakersfield in California. Yeah, so I think, I think this was probably ordered online. But I'm pretty sure the man. Oh my God. What have we got? It's a... That's a D&D die. D&D die.

Oh wow. D&D&D. The third D is for die. Holy shit. But it's Saints Colors. die. D&D die. Oh wow. D&D&D. The third D is for die. Holy shit. But it's Saints colors. Yeah, that's. Which I like.

Well done. This is from Jason Wersner. And I, funnily enough, I sent him a Saints beanie, so. Oh. That hat is an absolute beauty. Look at that. Yeah, put it on, come on. Do you reckon I could get away with it? Look at that. Yeah, put it on. Come on.

Do you reckon I could get away with it? Look at this hat guy. He knows his size straight away. Putting it on. Oh, fits like a glove. Like a glove. Yeah, I throw the occasional 12-sider. 12?

No, I can see at least 16 on there. Six hours to... What is it? 20? D20 they call them. Yeah, the D20. Yeah, familiar with it. Mate. I'll turn a few around.

Yeah. But embarrassingly, I only sent one hat and Jason has sent, I believe, two hats. Wow. Wow. That's a very flat hat. Yeah, this could be something else. Oh no, it's another hat. Wow.

Oh, your little Ziploc baggy. That's cute. That's compact. You get a free baggy. Double hat. Double hat. Wow. Oh, your little Ziploc baggie. That's cute. That's compact. You get a free baggie. Double hat. Double hat. What does he think? I've got a really ugly top of my head.

Yes. You're going to have to double hat that. Oh, yeah. OK, what do we got? That's a nice one. This is Philadelphia. Some black sort of worn in look. I like it.

Yeah, I like that. Can I have that one? Yeah. Good work. Yes. Jess, you're wearing a hat today. We're very hat positive. Cause I mean, hat today. We're very hat positive pod. Philadelphia is kind of like an opposition team to my 49ers.

So it would be a trickier hat to wear. Although my cousin likes them as well. But you, because I've got two. No, no, no. I don't want your hat. So it says Philadelphia established 1933. Yeah. I like it. So it's an Eagles hat, I don't want to. So it says Philadelphia established 1933. Yeah, I like it.

So it's an Eagles hat, is that right? I'm assuming it's an Eagles hat. I'm assuming the city is older than that. There is an American football on it. Oh, and you think that's a clue? Just if that was if that was going to help you at all. Yeah, I reckon it could. Wow. Holy shit, how about that? How exciting.

So, yeah, you can get involved in these kind of beautiful exchanges, cultural exchanges, dare I say. So hats are being swapped all around the world right now. And inside the Facebook group, you've seen a few of them pop up. Jason's posted a photo of my beanie, which is actually a member exclusive beanie. Only you have to be one of the 50,000 saints members to be able to access it. So the Saints knew that you gave it to someone who's not a member. Would you have your membership torn up? Yeah, please don't tell them. I think that could be bad news for me.

That stays in this room. That stays in this room. That's all right. And whatever room people are listening to. That's right. Stay in your room. Yes. Stay in your room.

But yeah, they're just, I mean, this is a bit of fun. Yeah, it's great. How fun is that? Is it gross to say that we've created a community here? I don't think we have created a community. I think community has formed around the joint interest of our podcast. It's evolved. It's something that we didn't imagine would happen, but we're very happy to see it happen.

We've not actively done this, so I won't take credit for it. I feel like I've actively done it. You've actively done it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Matt's single handler, he's pledged to go out for a beer with every single listener of this podcast around the world. Is that correct? Yeah, if they want to.

Yeah. No, I don't have to, but I'm happy to if they want to. I remember when I suggested we made a Facebook group and you two were like, that sounds like no one would want to do that. And it turned- do you remember that? You're like, that sounds like something, who would want to be in that. And it turns, do you remember that? You're like, that sounds like something who would want to be in that. And it turns out they all did. I can't believe I was so negative.

I'm so sorry. You were like, you're, you, you told me to F off. Yeah, that does sound like me. Yeah, that does sound like me. You said if you don't get out of this room right now, I'm going to kick you out the window. Oh yeah, no, that does sound like us. Yeah, and you left the room, which was wise because I've got a hell of a roundhouse.

Sweet Chin Music, that's what I was coming for you. Yeah, yeah. In the form of a roundhouse, that's how high I get my roundhouse. Yeah. I got a jump and a trampoline. Well, those little ones are a full size one. I'll take a little one where I go. But if you're standing next to a full size one, I'll use that instead of the small one.

Yeah, that's fair. So that's just one of the elements, the beautiful community, the group there, but also on other levels you get shout outs and other such things. And also you get to vote on the topics for instance. That's right. People voted for this topic. You get to hear about live shows before everyone else and also get discounted tickets. And let me tell you that we are cooking up a little something for the back half 2025.

Exciting. And let me tell you that we are cooking up a little something for the back half 2025. Exciting. It's cooking. And I've got a tour on sale for Australia in the UK and that was first announced to the patrons and they've got a discount code. So you sign up to the patron and you're wanting to come to one of my shows and basically pays for its first saving money. First month is, you know, you're being paid. That's right. Basically. Yeah. Rort the system. Rort the system that rorts you.

But yeah, another thing that you can be involved in is, yeah, they shout out, including if you're on the Sydney Schomburg level or above, you get to be involved in the fact, quote or question section, which actually I think has a jingle goes something like this. Fact, quote or question. Ding. Ding dong. He always remembers the ding. She always remembers the song.

And. That was beautiful. If you're in the Sydney Schomburg level or on it, you get to give us a fat quote or question or a braggart or suggestion or really whatever you like. I'm going to read out three of them this week. First one comes from Tessa Chillcott. You also get to give yourself a title and Tessa's title is supervisor of naps and snacks. One appreciated by my daughter more than the other.

I wonder which, I, personally, if Jess and I were two halves of your daughter, I'd be the nap loving one, you'd be the snack loving one. Correct. But you also don't mind a nap, is that fair to say? I do enjoy a nap, I'm not a napper. Right, but I love a nap. I would like to be somebody who could nap,

but I can't typically nap. If I'm going and having a nap, I'm like, oh, I'm sick. Oh, right. If you're asleep during the day, it's kind of one of the signs of, oh, I'm unwell. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That might be true for me too.

Yeah, possibly. But it's just I'm permanently unwell. Yeah. Aren't we all. So, Tess is offering a question, writing, offering, and probably even asking a question. Firstly, thank you for the podcast. It's definitely helped me recently for the laughs are needed. Tess is offering a question, writing, offering and probably even asking a question. Firstly, thank you for the podcast. It's definitely helped me recently for the laughs are needed. Secondly, sorry, Dave, about the project ending.

What a short sighted decision by Network 10. Any chance you'd know who took over the Instagram account? Because they're doing good work. Oh, yes, the Instagram. So the project for the people who are overseas, it's a long running entertainment slash news show that I worked on for many, many years. First is an ass prod, then a full prod. And then the last few years, just part time as the audience warm up.

So you get the live audience in, you get them pumped up. And I was doing that a couple of nights a week. So it is a very, very sad news for myself, but mostly- Would you describe yourself as El Clapetano? El Clapetano, that's right. That's the line in the stand-up special that's coming out very, very soon. And yes, but a lot of good people that worked on the show, because more people than you'd think work on any TV show. Yeah, absolutely. This one was a daily show, so there's about a hundred people out of work, so I very much

feel sorry for that. And the state of media in Australia, it's just harder and harder for people to get jobs working in the industry that they love, so I feel bad about that. But that's all right, because AI is filling those roles. But that's one good thing. We love artificial intelligence, but the project- We will be usurped by artificial intelligence. Yeah. Sooner than we think.

Yes. And I think it's going to be impressive. And I think it's going to be really- But the project Instagram and social media pages live on and that's not AI. I do know the person behind that. So you can follow those. For the moment, at least they're covering interesting and quirky news stories. Oh, that's fun.

So you can check that out. Like just whoever- someone has ownership of the project brand gets to keep the- Yeah, keep it going in one form or another. Yeah. I like that. And there's some often funny descriptions of stuff. Oh my goodness. We'll get a few last time.

Hey, well the thing is, the project does news differently. Yeah, that's right. And I think it's been replaced with a show that does news the same. Yeah, but for longer. Yeah, okay. Oh, that's different. Yeah, but longer. Tess, anyway, T. Yeah, but longer.

Great. Tess, anyway, Tess has got a question. You have 10 years, don't worry. We got another hour. Tess's question. I've been struggling with anxiety recently, especially with the state of the world, the US, Israel, Gaza, Ukraine, Russia, bigotry, discrimination against all minorities. I could go on, but I feel hyperventilating approaching. I just want the world to be a better place for my daughter. I feel like I'm powerless. How do you calm down and avoid the negative noise? Again, you're all amazeballs.

Thank you for laughs. I obviously need it. Now I need a nap. And a snack. I like how the use of the word amazeballs. I think I know exactly your age. Not a range, an exact number? Yeah, I think maybe to the month. Wow. You won't deal with it. It's like a star sign. Your birthday is. Um, yeah. Oh man. I mean, yeah. All of those things are weighing on all of us at all times.

I don't, I don't know how to escape it because if you fully remove yourself, then like, yeah, I struggle with like, I don't want to read about that. But then if I'm just ignoring it, what's happening? I don't know. It's a nightmare. The world is on fire. It's an absolute nightmare. It's very hard.

And it's even harder to remove yourself, obviously, if you're living in one of these places, one of these conflict zones, and you cannot get away. I listen to, so every day I listen to the BBC World Service podcast, which is where they, new stories from around the world. And I love that because I stay informed, often hearing about even more conflicts that I'd never even heard of going on in central Africa, stuff like that. But it's good to be informed, I agree. But then afterwards, I often feel a bit stressed about it, even though they will often put in one lighter news story, often towards the end.

Oh yeah. Like, oh, they trained, oh God, I was going to say, oh, I know. There's some sort of cute animal story or something like, uh, you know, people have grouped together to help save these ducks crossing a road or something. Like, oh, that's beautiful. But even then that's not enough. So I'll put on a lovely comedy podcast and then go for a walk. That's my sort of a relax, breathe out sort of thing. Yeah.

Things that my mum calls brain in a bucket activities where like you're kind of doing something a little bit mind thing. Yeah. Things that my mum calls brain in a bucket activities, where like you're kind of doing something a little bit mindlessly. Yep. So like, yeah, video games or yeah, exercise walking, all the kind of the usual stuff for any kind of general anxiety or general mental health. But at the moment, it feels particularly hard to like get on top of it because it's fucked. I've been really enjoying Amy Poehler's podcast as well.

Um, good hangs because it's sort of the whole intention of it is just to be a bit of light in a pretty dark world. She gets great guests. She's very funny. Um, and that's been, that's been very nice to sort of just go, ha ha ha ha. This is nice and not think about stuff for a little bit. You just have to give yourself breaks, but you're right. You can't fully switch off from it, but sometimes you want to.

That's what they want you to do. Exactly. That's how they get away with stuff. I know. But then, eww. Yeah, it's a lot. Um, yes. And Matt obviously just jerks off.

I told you that in confidence. Yeah, but I really got Dave. He didn't tell me that in confidence because I would have laughed in your face. It was a cry for help to do. I don't know what to do. I just keep jerking off. It's the only time I can stop thinking about all the awful stuff. I just have to jerk it. Oh yeah, okay. Fair enough, Matt. Thanks for sharing that with me, I guess. It's the only time I can stop thinking about all the awful stuff. I just have to jerk it.

Oh yeah, okay. Fair enough, Matt. Thanks for sharing that with me, I guess. So for 38 seconds a day, I feel great. 38 seconds. Dave, don't tell yourself, man. All right, I exaggerate. You take that long.

Mate, you've got to build up your efficiency there, mate. Come on, mate. We don't have all day. Come on, mate. Badda bing, badda boom. You know what I mean? Mmm. Yes, it's hard, but it's just something that takes your mind off it.

Yeah. Something that puts a little bit of positive vibes out there, but that sometimes you sort of also feel like, am I just ignoring things by just trying to be light and- No, but you can't be in the darkness all the time. That's right. Tessa, you're doing great work. I think you're amaze-pulse. You're amaze-'s right. Tessa, you're doing great work. I think you're amazeballs. You're amazeballs, Tessa.

I've not heard that word in so long. So by amazeballs, do you think Tessa is Dave in my age, younger or older? A little bit older than you two. Yeah, I agree. Let us know, Tessa. Yeah, let us know. I'm spot on this mass radar. Yeah.

Because I personally would not say amazeballs. Yeah. I was following this maths radar. Yeah. Um. Cause I personally would not say amazeballs. Yes. But I, you know, it might be the kind of thing that's coming back around. That's true. Yep. All right. Tessa might be like 17 doing a retro thing.

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think so. I don't. That's really funny. That would make her a very young mum. Um, like I guess, you know, it's possible. That is possible.

That is possible. So Tessa, if you are a young mum, that's certainly not. Just spiralling. Yeah, that's what I do. And that's the state of the world at the moment, is that everything makes you spiral. Thank you so much for reaching out, Tessa, and keep supervising those naps and snacks. Next one comes from Caitlin Everhart, aka resident Gen Z-er of the Douga Network. Yes, the entire network. No other Gen Z-ers allowed unless they're cool.

Gen Z-ers or Gen Z-ers, depending on where Caitlin's from, I suppose. Writing, hi y'all, reckon it's Gen Z-ers. Cause of y'all? Cause of y'all. Although I do, I do a bit of yowlin'. I think it's good. It's a, I suppose, writing, Hi, y'all. Reckon it's Gen Z. Because of y'all? Because of y'all. Although I do a bit of yowlin'. I think it's good. It's a nice- I love y'all, but I don't think Australians can pull it off. Yeah, because ours is yooze, which doesn't sound as good.

Yeah. What are yooze up to? I don't mind, but in- yeah, I don't know. Y'all is cute. I enjoyed y'all when I was in the States. Yeah, I think y'all is great. But it doesn't sound good coming out of us. Anyway, hey don't know. No, y'all is cute. I enjoyed y'all when I was in the States. Yeah, I think y'all is great. But it doesn't sound good coming out of us. Anyway, hey y'all.

Hey y'all. Okay, jumping right in. I've been a member for a whole year now. Thank you so much. And submitted one of these when I first joined. But I never heard it on the pod, so I figured it's been long enough to toss another one into the ring. Anyway, two things if allowed.

Number one, did my first fact quota question ever get mentioned? And I just totally missed it. I'm going to have to look into that. I'll rate these with that rating. So when they're maybe discussed in the second one, I'll check that out. Number two, a brag slash question combo. I recently started my own podcast. Whoa. Plus platform called Caitlin's Column. Totally different vibe from Do Go On. So Dave, no need to sweat. I know the competition is fierce out there.

Why just Dave? That's right. I'm the paranoid one. Just because of the accent, can we please have Caitlin, what was your podcast called again? Caitlin's Column. Column. Wasn't it called Corner or Column? Thank you. Caitlin's Column.

Love it. It's a mix of facts and digital diary style ramblings from a very chatty 20-something year old. Topics range from fashion to human rights. Some past episode topics have been the history of the Met Gala Gala which would be a great topic. I think gala Thank you very much and whether or not it and the other award shows should still be present in society To the more hard-hitting topics like the recent refugee and immigration crisis here in the US

topics like the recent refugee and immigration crisis here in the US. Maybe less suitable do go on topic, but I'm not opposed. Anyway, any advice for someone just getting off the ground with their podcast and platform? I've binged all the non-Patreon apps over the last year and I had to join the club. I would love any advice from y'all. Since you've been at the podcast thing for a bit now, you started when I was in middle school and I'm now applying to get my master's degree. Wow. Fingers crossed. Oh, wow. That's...

PS. When US tour happens, must go to the Texas State Fair for the most insane food. Google. Google. Is that a food? Caitlin, is that your sign off? Google. Google. Is that a food? Katelyn, is that your sign off? Google. Google.

Um, wow. The, just the, the visual there of, cause sometimes it's kind of crazy to think like, think back to when we started the podcast and, you know, I was living in a different place and you know, you, you, our lives have changed and then to think, well, it's actually been such a long time that people have finished school and college and... That's because of my age. My life hasn't really changed that much because I'm already, I was already old. Boring.

Sorry, old. I mean, you know, in your early years, 10 years is a huge amount of time. We were 25. Yeah. Wow. Because I was like, to me, this is, you know, it's not even one percentage of my life, 10 years. So it's a blip. But I can see to you two where it's like, you know, almost a third. It's probably about a third. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's a big chunk. Way more than half of our adult life too.

Isn't that so weird? So I've looked it up. It looks like, and I, you know, I've been wrong in the past, but it looks like Caitlin, that you had a question read out on episode 469. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Where you said, hi y'all, I'm from Texas. So we say y'all. Oh, that rings a bell. That rings a bell. That rings a bell! That rings a bell! And we probably raved about y'all then too. Yeah. Because I did go to Texas. Vodka Kranz and Tequila Sotus, my sorority years.

Wanna go, gotta exo. Anyways, love the podcast. And have been listening for over a year now. I put many of my friends on it as well. Please come to Dallas or Austin. I'll understand. Stay weird out there. Stay weird.

For season nine, that was Alexander the Great for those wanting to look that up. So, but Caitlin's question was like podcast advice, right? We got really sidetracked by that. Oh, sorry. Yes, yes, yes. Geez, we usually say stuff like people seem to like it when you commit to a regular schedule, whether it's every week and then you do it forever. Obviously that's harder depending on what kind of type of show you do.

You have to research or you have to do certain things or do it seasonally. You tell people, hey, we're coming up for a new season and this is the end of the season. That's definitely my new advice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you just sound something, you go, I'm doing it. It's definitely my new advice. If you sound something, you go, I'm doing it. It's a 10 week season and then you can. Do as many seasons as you like, but it does allow you to have a break if you need to. Have a bit of a break. It probably depends on the kind of person. Some people probably know that a break is not a good idea because they'll

never go back again. Yeah. Maybe you have to say, we'll be back on this date and then you need that accountability, but you figure that out for yourself. And that way you can, yeah, you can release it weekly or, or you go, no, I want to do it regularly and I'm going to do it monthly first Monday of the month, every month. So you do, you go, I'm going to do 12 episodes a year. But I think, yeah, some sort of consistency and plan rather than just going, I've thought of, I'm going to chuck one up, but also, you know, that's fine too. Yeah.

And honestly, just be yourself. I think where AI, because AI podcasts probably already exist, AI radio already exists, like podcasts will be replaced by AI soon. But what I think, what I would like to think will happen is that I think people actually like feeling connected to other people, right? So like be yourself and there'll be feedback with people. You won't be for everybody, but as long as you're doing what feels right for you. And you can, you can take feedback in, you can take feedback and you can make adjustments, but if you're

steering yourself too far away from what, at the core you want to do, then it's not for you anymore. Yeah. It kind of doesn't make sense to change yourself too much. Be yourself and connect with people. Even though I still regret us not taking Marcel Blanchett-Wilts advice early on that we should really cut down on the dogshit rift. Yeah.

If I could go back in time. Honestly, I think we'd be a really big podcast if we did do that. But look, this is great. This is fine. This is fine. We could have been influencing elections big. That's what I'm thinking. Yes.

If we cut down on the dogshit rift. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. But unfortunately, we're not influencing shit. No, we can't cut down on the dogshit rifts. I feel like if we were big enough, we could fix the world. But that's a lot of pressure. And yeah. And is it worth the payment of cutting down on dogshit rifts? And that's the thing, AI podcasts will stick to the point. And that's where we'll differ. Someone was saying to me recently, they're like, it's not, we're not far away from entertainment having to be labeled as organic. Yeah. This is real people.

This is organic talking. This is not an organic article. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. I'm like, that's true. Cause people are going to start, I don't want to, I want yeah. I'm like, that's true. Cause people are gonna start, I don't wanna, I wanna read something that's a human made. Yeah.

Amazing. But yeah, it'd be interesting to see if that happens. But yeah, that's good. I think that's all good advice. But yeah, make sure it's, I think when you're starting out, you make sure you, you're not, it's not going to become too much of a heavy workload because at the start you've got all the enthusiasm and whatever, you got to picture yourself in a few months time when you're in the run of it and you're like, oh, you

just have to keep doing it. Not have to, but you want it to be the point where you're like, yeah, I'm not going, fuck, I don't want to be doing this this week. You got to start it out imagining, oh, it's a tough week, you're busy, and you're still going to be able to do it. So don't make it too much work editing and preparing, all those sort of things, I'd say. Especially early because you're probably studying, working, it's a thing that's happening on the side and you still have to live your life. Yeah.

This is the center of our lives now. That's right. This is the number one thing. We have nothing else. We're tethered together forever. Contrarily, nothing else. Jess brought her dog in today. Yeah.

Proving that Goose is number two. Goose is number two. There were two options, so we could have done the podcast of the vets. Yep. Or the dog could have come here. That's right. And that's when we found out we're number one. I'm sorry, he has to be monitored.

So he's coming with me. Yeah. The vet said, absolutely not and told us to get out. And I started packing up the microphones. Oh, okay. And at this point, his allergic reaction hasn't come back, so he could go home. Great. So I'll send him off.

All right, mate, go home. Go home, see you there. You got your key? Call him a cab. Yeah. You take my dog home, thank you. Yeah, thanks so much, Caitlin. And I'm sorry I didn't realise you're from Texas when I saw that accent.

I'm not sure what accent it was, to be honest. It was American-ish. It was very deep, too. Yeah. I thought, I reckon I got the timber right. Yeah, that felt right. But yeah, I don't know reckon I got the timber right. Yeah, that felt right. But yeah, I don't know if I got the district right, but it was fun to talk like that. Yeah.

It was fun to listen to you talk like that. And the last one this week comes from Logan Husky. Okay. Harbinger. Harbinger? Harbinger. Harbinger of doom or cookies, depending on if Matt can say canals properly. Ooh, well, I think I can.

So cookies. Great. Hooray! Well, you don't say what cookies. I know that I'm deciding it, but you said it correct. So we get cookies. I said it the way that cookies come. All right.

Logan writes. Oh, have we had this before under? do you have a fact, quote or question? Logan's written, game. Ooh. We've had a game, I think once or twice before. And every time we're like, more of those, please. Yeah, fun, okay. That's fun. And it might've even been from Logan last time.

Maybe. Logan writes, hi guys. I came across a pile of old Mad magazines in a secondhand bookstore the other day. And whilst flicking through them, I'd forgotten about the gems that were the mad magazine film parody. And it reminded me of Dave's natural ability to come up with film parody titles of his own. When he's I think-

They're all porn parodies. The parody is always deeply sexual. Logan's left out a pretty key part of your skill. The parody is always deeply sexual. Logan's left out a pretty key part of your skill. The parody is always, ugh. Like confronting. It makes you say, David. You can't say those words. Sorry how he got it down to 19 seconds.

So it's with that in mind that a simple game for the three of you to play came to me. Guessing slash improving upon the Mad Magazine film parody. Oh, fun, okay. The concept is pretty simple. If you haven't worked out already, you're given the original title of the film and you have to try and guess what the Mad Magazine parody version would be.

I've already had a who knew it question like this actually. Oh yeah, good one. And Logan actually wrote some great who knew it questions. There was one, it, what was the Batman or the DC comics parody in this certain Australian Mad Magazine issue? And it was so bad, but it was also so good. Okay, great. So I think I'm at an advantage now, unless you're on that episode, Dave.

I think I know that, so I've either heard it. I think you were actually. The problem is I've been on it or I've heard it back. Because I listen as well so I can't tell you. Do you listen to his podcast? You support your friends. Patients are the same. Support their endeavors. I love who knew it.

Book cheat I can't get around. Fair enough. Well because you love to read. It's very dry. You're like that's not for me. Spoiler, spoiler. You should not. You've always said that.

Well normally when you do that it's not around. I say, he says I've read the book so you don't have to. I say how dare you. I would like to read the book. I have read the book, so you don't have to ask me how do you? I would like to read the book. I have read the book how do you? Cover, cover, cover, and then cover it back and cover again, I've read it backwards. I love books backwards.

I've gone forwards once more because I'm like, oh yeah, that's right. And now I understand what it means again. So yes, we got to either try and guess it or come up with a better version of it. There are no wrong answers. Oh, this is a good game. So there are no losers.

Well, we love that. We'll come up with our own scoring system. Thank you. Uh, expect, accept those who spend their free time looking through mad magazines and secondhand book shops in the South side of Brisbane. Ah, he's just been a bit self-deprecating there, Dave. Let him do it. Oh yeah.

You're a loser for doing that, Logan. Dave, you know when you self-deprecate and the Dave. Let him do it. Oh yeah, you're a loser for doing that logo. You know when you self-deprecate and the person you're talking to says, no. Hey. I'm always like, oh. You're beautiful. You think I'm an ugly loser. The worst part is when you're doing it on stage

as part of stand-up comedy and one person in the crowd goes, aw. Yeah. Whoa. I'm doing this for humor, come on. I'm in control up here. Fuck you. Get her out, get her out. Fuck you.

It's just it makes the whole room think, geez, what a sad little man. Yeah. And the whole room includes you on stage. Up until that point, nobody had thought that about you. No, no, everyone thought, Jesus Christ. But anyway, Dave, that's what you've just done to Logan. Oh, sorry, Logan. No, I'm just saying.

I'm putting up a mirror and it's showing you your face, Dave. And it's ugly. Got him. Aw. Oh. Get her out. And he says, Mad, I've hopefully spaced the answers down the page far enough that you can't see them.

And I cannot. All right, first one from October of 1987, Lethal Weapon. All right. Sorry, are we gonna get the parody title? No. No, no, we're making it, thathal Weapon. All right. Sorry. Are we going to get the parody title? No. No, no, we're making it. That's the game. Oh, sorry.

I thought the game was we get the parody title. We have to guess the movie and then come up with a different one. It's sort of that, you're close. It's that only we get the actual title. We guess slash try and make up a better parody title. Oh, I mean, if it was poor, I'd call it Penal Weapon or something like that. Yeah, that's pretty good. But I think these Mad Magazines are kids' magazines and I think it'll be- Lethal Pino Weapon.

What about- Weep Pino- What about Queefle Weapon? Queefle Weapon. If we're at 87, I reckon that would be Prime Queefle Time. Okay, Lethal Weapon. What? Lethal Weapon, what does he got there?

Methane. Methane Weapon? It's just, you know, a fart gun. Oh, probably something like Lethal Kevin or What does he got there? Methane. Methane weapon. It's just, you know, a fart gun. Oh, probably something like lethal Kevin or something like that. Oh yeah. Yeah. And then it's just like, I don't know, who's a, like Kevin Costner or something. Ah. Yeah. But he stinks. But he smells. Smelly Kevin Costner. Let's call it that. Lethal apron, right? And it's like an apron that's come to life that's on a murder spree. That's good. I'd watch the shit out of that.

And it's like, and the apron has a mullet, like Mel Gibson in the movie and he's anti-Semitic. Like Mel Gibson in real life. Like Mel Gibson in real life, yeah. What about a fecal weapon? Oh yeah. It's just like a big butt. He's back to porn ones, yeah. Yeah, okay.

I've got one gear, mate. All right, we happy with that? Because I think we, I think yeah. Yeah, okay. I've got one gear, mate. All right, we're happy with that because I think we're, I think- Yeah, happy with that. Correct answer was legal reckon. How'd they do it? Like W-R-E-C-K-I-N, legal reckon. Ours were way better.

And ours were awful. There's gotta be like an image to pull out to the wall because that's- Yeah, reckon. And did you say with a W? W like a wreck. Or legal wrecking. Legal wrecking, yeah. God, that's bad.

Well, I feel so much better about ours now. Alright, December 91, Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Prince of Pain. Yeah, Penis Hood. Prince of Pain. Yeah penis hood Yeah Prince of Robin pood Oh Reiken hood prince of leaves. Oh, that's good. Is that the actual one? I'm trying to think like them now

What that's pretty good. I backed that. I backed that too. Let's see what the real one is. I reckon he's 100% male. I reckon he's got that verbatim. Oh, Dave, I think this sounds more like a porn parody. Throbbinhood.

Oh, that's good. Prince of heaves. Heaves? Heaves. Ooh. Heaves? Heaving. Heave? I don't like that.

Like throwing something? They've just replaced words. There's no through line there. Throbbin Hood is funny. The picture would help. Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you that this is a time before AI?

This is what it feels like. It does feel like Uncanny Valley. Throbbin Hood. That's funny. And then the next bit- Prince of Heaves. like uncanny valley. Throbbin Hood. That's funny. Prince of Heaves. What do you mean? Throbbin Hood. What about Prince of Bees?

Just a man with- Prince of Beeve. Prince of Beeve. Oh, Prince of Beeve is yeah. Prince yeah, 100%. Throbbin Hood, Prince of Beeve. Yeah. Yeah. That's really good.

And that's like the period when the beaver was on. I think beavers were out in- big Beaver's were out in the 90s. I think. Are the Beaver's back? I don't know. Bring them back. I can't keep up with pubes. Bring back the Beaver.

I can't keep up with cube fashion. That's a young woman's game. Don't you go onto GQ or some sort of Pinterest. And it tells you what you should do. And if you don't, you're disgusting. If you don't, you're yuck and no man will ever look at you. On Pinterest I've obviously got my Beaver, like, thing of mood board, yes. On Myspace I've got my top eight Beavs.

Oh, pet, pet Beavs. Oh, that's good. Pet Beavs? Oh, that could be the next one. But I just don't get their ones. No, well, this one you should know because cause you two love this movie from November 98, Armageddon. Oh, Armageddon.

Armageddon some sex. Oh. Armageddon on my knees. Armageddon some punani. Yeah, yeah. Armageddon beef. Armageddon beef. It's gonna be like, I'm a Legron or something.

Oh yeah. Yeah, that's, Arm- Armour, Armoured. I'm going to go with I'm a Legron. What about Armour and Head or something, Armour Head and. Oh yeah, OK. Yeah, that's pretty good. No, but no, they'd go, you were like Armoured. It's Armoured Dead Frog or something like that. You go, what the fuck does that mean? They've added a bracketed bit.

So when I when we were doing the Armageddon out of here sort of thing. Yes. Do we say something like that? Yeah, of course. Armageddon sex. It's Armageddon the hell out of here. No, that's what they. I'm a leg Ron is better. I'm a leg Ron. Yeah, I'm a leg, Ron. Oh, and then in the thing, it's like I've been turned into a leg. There's a leg with a speech bubble talking of Ron. Yeah, I'm a leg, Ron. Oh, and then in the thing, it's like.

I've been turned into a leg. There's a leg with a speech bubble talking to Ron Casey, the old football broadcaster. Yeah, yeah, I think that's right. I'm a leg Ron. I'm a leg. I'm a leg Ron. All the caps like a few exclamations

while they're panicking. I'm a leg Ron. Turn me back to a human. I'm a leg. But it's like the super boot. Bernie Quinlan, the old footballer who's now. Yep. Bonus round. Here we go. Can be cut for time. If Matt hasn't had his coffee. No, I've had my coffee. From May 95, Pop Fiction. Let's do a fast round, speed round. Popdiction. Oh. Coptic, I don't know, something like that. Plot friction.

All right. Should we start a magazine? I think, yeah. Magazines are big. September 91, the silence of the lambs. Silence of the rams. Silence of the clams. That's a bit sexual.

What about the non-silence of the clams, obviously? The violence of the hams. Cut it out. That's probably the best one so far because visually you could have an image. Two pigs fighting. Yeah. But like everything else, I can't even imagine what they've drawn for it so bad. Well once you see the pictures go, oh.

Oh, that's funny. Oh, that's good. That's good stuff. I think that's all good stuff. I can tell even without pictures. Thank you so much, Logan, for sending them in. Those are great, Logan. That's good stuff. I think that's all good stuff. I can tell even without pictures. Thank you so much, Logan, for sending them in. Those are great, Logan. That's good fun, thank you.

That was a fun game. I just want to say that our distaste for their puns was not directed at you at all. That was a fantastic game. We just think our puns are way better. I'm pretty confident Logan was aware that some of those weren't fantastic. I just wanted to make sure that Logan wasn't like,

oh, because no, no, no, the game was fantastic. Yes. And if whatever his name, Alfred E Newman is listening, we think you do great work too. Yeah. And where Shattered you went out, you shouldn't have gone out of business. Yeah. I don't care. I never read your magazine, but now that I see some of the work.

I saw them borrow them from the library in the nineties. Really? Which was difficult to do the fold in. The back was always screwed up because it had the fold in. Yeah, I know that because like the in The Simpsons someone had a tattoo. With a tattoo, yeah, that's good. And then also Homer did one once and he mushed it all up wrong. The all-ighty-aller!

Something like that. All right, next thing we do is shout out to a few other great supporters. Jess, you normally come up with a game. What are you in this week? I was thinking the ways they have brutally and creatively killed a bunch of people. Oh, OK. In the 900. So it's fine. Yeah.

So no mobile phones can be used. No, probably can't. OK. Time travel. Oh, wow. So like modern these people. Yeah. Modern murderers going back in time. Yeah. That's your answer. Really changing, you know, potentially everything.

I'm just, I'm just- Maybe fixing everything. I just want guns to be available. Okay. Are we just going one for one here or how are we going to do this? I think Jess- What if we go one word each? I think, okay.

I feel like Jess might be in the zone though, Dave. Yeah, Dave. Yeah, OK. Unless you're feeling... Groose is back online. He's so freaking cute. So Dave, yeah, where's that pop? Well, I can't with him? Yeah.

Yeah. Great. I'll clear the brain. All right, Dave, I'll do the place. You do the name. Jess does the kill ammo or whatever. Would you like to say the place? Yes, please. the kill MO or whatever. What did I say to the police? Yes, please. From Cork in Ireland. Thank you and hello to Niall O'Leary.

So they, at the Blarney Castle outside Cork, you lie on your back and you like kiss the Blarney stone, but they took away the safety grate so everybody falls through it. Good one. Everybody falls through it to their death. And they've invited their enemies.

They say, come, it's good luck. It gives you a gift of the gab if you kiss the Blarney Stone. Come, we'll give it a go. Dead. That's great. You just land on a pile and oh, there's a pole. There's like a big stick underneath so they all get impaled. All right.

And you guys- Now it's just like a kebab. Kebab? What am I thinking of? Yeah, shish kebab. Shish kebab. You gotta hope that like about 50 people have gone before you to sort of fill the hole in. Look at these fucking dead dogs.

See? Goose has gone limp there. No, that's diabolical, well done. Next up from address unknown, can only assume from deep within the fortress of the moles. Hello and thank you to Ashley Leg. I'm a leg. I'm a leg.

I'm a leg, Ron. Literally her initial a leg. I'm a leg. I'm a leg. I'm a leg, Ron. Literally, her initial a leg. I'm a leg, Ron. Or he. Or they. That is funny stuff. I think it's a she, looking at the email address. Invited people down into the fortress of the moles and said, please come and have a look and then blew it up. Made it a big crater.

Whoa. Well done. Even actually killed the other mole people. But moles can, they can like burrow. Oh they burrow even further. But if you're in there and you can't burrow like if we were in there, we just die. Yeah. Well done Ashley. Now it's a crater.

And Bop, if you're in there and you knew that was about to happen, what would you do? Sort of shrug? I'd go, ah, that should be quick. Ah, had a good run. Also from deep within the fortressress of the Moles. Can't really assume. Um, the Fortress of the Moles. I already said that.

The next up from the Fortress of the Moles is the Fortress of the Moles. Who knows, it could be on holiday. Thank you to Jay Peoples. Jay Peoples. Oh, that is nominative determinism. That is, I guess, Jay Person. Yeah, but that's a, that is nominative determinism. That is- Oh no, I guess J Person. Yeah, but that's a mole pretending to be a person. We appreciate it.

Okay, J Peoples used a bus and they rigged a bomb to the bus. Oh. And the bus has to stay over 50 miles per hour. Whoa. Whoa. Or the bomb will go off. And a police officer happens to get on the bus. Really? And this isn't 1900s.

Yeah, 900s. 900s. And can I just ask, is the Californian freeway finished yet? Or is there a small section coming up? Dave, it's funny that you asked that question because no. Oh my God, because that could be really hard to jump. In fact, impossible. So thank you to Jay Peoples. Thank you, Jay Peoples. You psycho killer.

Next up from Pierce in the Australian Capital Territory. Thank you to Connor B. Connor B said, like, hey, come have a look around Canberra. It's really beautiful. And then you drive around the roundabout and, but when you turn left to the roundabout, no, you're going right around the roundabout and then there's a big hole and you car drops into it. Oh, good one.

The famous Canberra hole. You guys, oh, I'm going to see the roundabout of out of camera, then you drive into a hole. Oh no, I've really got him. Conor B, you are diabolical as Smith says. That's quite a deep hole, so you're probably dead straight away. Well done. I mean, it feels weird to say well done to a murder of a butt. That's clever.

That's clever creative. Yeah, come on. Up from Briar in maybe Washington in the United States. Hello, thank you to Austin McFeely. Austin McFeely? That sounds like that's a Mad Magazine parody. You don't know what it's parodying, but Austin McFeely, that's great. That's an Austin Powers parody, right?

But it's just like, they really play up how like, grabby he is. He's a bit leery. Yeah. Austin lures people to come for a swim in his... He's got a really huge pool in the backyard. And it's huge. Yeah. And there's sharks in it!

Holy shit! The sharks are hungry! That's like James Bond villain stuff, Austin. Well done. But the pool looks really beautiful. It's like an infinity pool. So people are like, oh my God, that's gorgeous. That's kind of a nice way to go.

Thank you so much. And then shark! Whoa. Shit. Whoa. Shit. Yeah. Awesome. That is again diabolical. From New York City, New York.

It's Dominic Giardino. Dominic takes people to Times Square. Oh great, beautiful. And they go, oh wow, the lights, such a sensory overload. It's packed with people and I'm frightened. And then they die of fright. Oh, wow. Does he take people with like sort of weak hearts and stuff like that?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. And he comes up behind them while they're looking at the lights and that's a big gong and goes like bang. A really big gong. Whoa. And that just tips them over the edge. Yeah, that's too much, Dominic. But what an experience going out, you know, in such an iconic location.

That's right. Yeah, beautiful. I don't think I'm good at this. You've just seen a billboard for keeping up with the Kardashians or something. That's a lot of way to go out. What a way to go. From Norristown, home of the Norrises, I suppose, in Pennsylvania. It's Sean, spelled S-E-A-N. Sean, he gets people and he gives them this serum that makes them grow lots of hair.

And then he shears them. Oh. To death? And then they're Sean. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then? He shears them to death.

And then die, yeah. If you shear too much, you start going through the skin, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then- He shoots them to death. And then die, yeah. Because you go to- if you shoot too much, like, you know, you just start going through the skin. Yeah. Start going through the bone. Yeah, it's actually- that's a bit graphic. Sean? Let's full on note.

You should see someone. And from Aldinger Beach in South Australia. Karen Street. From Aldinger Beach. Karen puts really big human sized condoms over people and they suffocate. Whoa. There was a- Aldinger. Oh, wow.

I think it was maybe like a Naked Gun movie or something, where they- Yes. They got in full body condoms to practice safe sex. That's good. Does that ring a bell? Yes, it does. It does feel very Naked Gun. Hmm. got in full body condoms to practice safe sex. That's good. Does that ring a bell? Yes, it does. It does feel very naked gun.

Hmm. As in very good stuff. Very good stuff. And finally, from tapping in Western Australia. Thank you to Claire Armstrong. Takes them to the moon and kicks them out of the- it's under the lure of it being like a tourist thing, like, oh, yeah, I'll take you to the moon.

You have a look at it and then kicks them out without a spacesuit on. What? Oh no. So no one can hear them scream. They just explode. Oh no. Yeah. They're tapping on the window outside of the spaceship.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Hey, hey, you've accidentally closed the door on me. I don't have a lot of time. Come on. And you can't hear this. Yeah. Then they explode. In space, can you hear tapping? You can hear tapping anywhere.

Oh, OK. Do you reckon? Yeah. Well, it's annoying. Oh, it's so great. Stop it. I came here to get away from that. Cut it out!

Thank you so much to Claire, Karen, Sean, Dominic, Austin, Connor, Jay, Ashley and Niall. And the last thing we need to do is welcome in someone into the Triptych Club. Just one inductee this week. Dave, what is the Triptych Club? This is our clubhouse for people that have been supporting the show for three consecutive years. We gave them a shout out a year or two ago and to say thank you for sticking with us. We have an honor roll here where we induct people, add their name to the wall and they come on in,

go under a velvet robe and inside this theater of the mind sort of clubhouse has music and entertainment and food and drink, which Jess is in charge of cocktails and food. Yes. Well, it's crazy that we were talking about this earlier because I have actually dug a ditch and I threw a bunch of pigs in there. What? I'm just cooking them up. I'm so excited for this. You don't eat meat and neither do I so I don't know how to cook it. No I think inside this world I eat meat in there. Do we? Well I think this is because this is a magic. Do I like meat in there? Because that's the thing is I just don't like it. Yeah I guess you you make it in a way you might like.

Oh, I like it in there. That's exciting. Yeah. And the pigs like you eating. It's like that Simpsons thing where the pig says so much, the best bit's in the rum, pull it off. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's nice. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to try some of this pig I've cooked up. I've just remembered, remember before I said Jason Woessner sent the hats?

It's Wesner. I feel like maybe you did say Wesner. Well, then I maintain that it's still Wesner. Let's cover it yourself just in case and give Jason the credit that Jason deserves. Yes. Thank you, Jason. I feel like maybe you said that, but I could be wrong. Do you reckon I'm nervous that, you know, when people get asked, Oh, what name the band's first album or whatever, and they're in a t-shirt.

Oh yeah. It feels like D and D people out in the wild are going to be like, cornering me going, Oh, so you, so you throw dice. Why don't you wear that when we record our D and D campaigns? Oh, that's a good call. Yeah. Cause inside there, then you know, don't you wear that when we record our D&D campaigns? Oh, that's a good call. Yeah, it's hard to. Because inside there, then, you know, you guys aren't going to question me. And if you do, I'll go, Adam, exactly.

What are the first four albums of the Demi Gorgon? Exactly. Adam will know. Yeah. So yeah, that could just and then it's kind of nice because you definitely get wear out of it. It's a good quality hat. It's got special, you know, you go, oh, we're doing D&D today.

I've got to get my D&D hat. And if we ever do a live episode, I could wear it there. Cute. Should we do a live? We never thought about that. I never thought about that. Never thought about it. It could be fun.

Yeah. People do them sometimes. We do tend to record for three plus hours. Yeah. We'd have to try and make it snappy. Yeah, we do. We like a standalone small adventure. But we tend to like, yeah, you go, oh, it's a small adventure.

But we're like, what's in that shop? Let's go in there for a bit. Yeah. I think it's on us to- Maybe we could get the audience to be like, all right, whenever we're being bogged down in a place we shouldn't be, you know, the more, if enough of you yell out, move on. Yes. We will. Yeah.

That could be brutal if the whole room yells, move on. Yeah, okay. Or we let one, you know, one, the nerdiest looking person in the audience. We go, all right, you probably know. They've got their own mic. And we give them a little card that just says move on. Wow. Yeah, a card.

So they don't have to yell at us. And they'll be in the front row. So no one will know. So it won't be a big deal. And we'll just look down and go, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, so sorry. Yeah, we won't make a big deal of that at all. We wouldn't go, oh, I'm getting the sign.

Oh, here we go. No, I'm being told to move on now. Clarence is fed up with this riff, is he? Classic Clarence. Fuck you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. Now, I always book a band for the Tripp Ditch Club and you're never going to believe it.

What? When Matt said the setting of this episode. Yes. My jaw hit the floor. Do you remember the start of this? I saw that. When my jaw hit the floor. And I thought, how odd.

That floor's not very clean. No one helped me. I've booked in Ukraine's most famous and successful band, the rock band, and I've got the AI over here, Okyan Elsa. Whoa. They're coming in. Can you believe it? So you're saying we do not know any Ukrainian bands. Is that right? I assumed that would have a big band, you know, like a household name

band. Big country. Maybe like a solo singer, perhaps, like a Eurovision entrant or something that you might know. But I obviously haven't googled famous Ukrainian bands. I've just I've booked these people in six months ago, so it's amazing that they're I believe they are going to do some, some world tour shows soon so that they're performing live for us as a warmup gig. Okay. And Elsa, which translates as Elsa's ocean.

Hmm. Um, do you know any of these names, Jess? Jamala, Monetic, Okean Elsie, Ruslana? No. We just named the band that I'm having the fun with. One of those was Okian Elzy. Had either of you heard, I'd never heard of the state that we talked about today, Kievan Rus.

No. Had you heard of that? No, I hadn't, no. Yeah, it's really, I'm like, bloody hell, there's a lot of history out there. God, that's actually we do focus a little heavily on the last, what, 100 odd years. Hmm. We can have a look back every now and then.

Every now and then. Yeah. I don't want to do it too much. Feels too nerdy if you go too far back. OK. Yeah. You know, we're a history podcast. You know, when we had Michelle here, didn't you feel like such a big dork talking about? We've got a cool person in and they're like.

Michelle's one of my best friends. Yeah, I know. I feel like a fucking loser every day. But just to see her look at you like that was really rough. Yeah. She's really trying to like make me cooler, but God, she's got her work cut out for her. I know. I think it's impossible, but she's too kind to give up. Yeah. Like, I mean, case in point, your two best friends are me and Dave. That was pretty cool. That's almost confirmation. I know. She did not gag or anything. So we've got one inductee this week to the triptych club.

If you hear your name, you'll hear me saying it on the door. I'm lifting up the velvety. You run in. Dave's on the stage. He's hyping up the crowd, chanting your name with a bit of weak wordplay. Jess is going to hop up, Dave. Are we ready? Yes. We are so ready. Please hang around for the musical stylings of Okie and Elsie.

I can't wait to hear what they've got to offer. All right. The inductee this week, please. And thank you and make yourself welcome. Oh, my God. From Hamilton in God's country, Ohio. It's Jonathan Peelman. You make me feel man. Woo!

And I feel good. You cannot have anything to say about that. That was perfection. I can't believe it. Thank you. Yeah. He's feel good. You cannot have anything to say about that. That was no action. I can't believe it. Thank you. Yeah, he's very good. That feels really like I just actually got a supercomputer to run a million different possibilities. Sorry, a billion. Dropped a couple of zeros there.

And it says that was the perfect answer. Yeah. Wow. Well done. It's great to see a master at play.. Yeah. Wow. Well done. It's great to see a master at play. Thank you very much. Well, I mean, it's at work, but he makes it look like play. Yeah. That's how easy he makes it look.

Welcome in Jonathan Pillman. Please fall in a ditch. Is that what you think? And enjoy the musical stylings of Ukraine's finest. But that brings us to the end of the episode. Anything we need to tell people before we go? That if you want to suggest a topic, if there's something that you know about or have heard about or you see somewhere and you're like, that'd be fun to do, go on. You can suggest it. Anybody can. You don't have to be a

Patreon or pay anything. There's a link in our show notes. And so you can do that. You can follow us on social media, do go on pod or do go on podcasts on TikTok where I say it every week, but we're blowing up, baby. Every week we get more and more. More and more. Love. It is. Yeah. People are going, how have what's going on?

People are like, how are they so hot and so funny? Yeah. I think it's getting close to the point where we're overtaking porn as the most popular thing on the internet. Yeah. Yeah. We're very close to overtaking porn. Very close. A lot of it is mistakes because of my porn parodies.

They're thinking they're getting something else. Yes, but once they're in. Yeah, they go, this is actually alright. They go, well, I mean, my pants are off, but maybe I'll put them back on and watch these comedy quick tests. I've got 19 seconds. So yeah, do that and we love you and Dave. Hey, can I just say one quick thing? No. That is if you are free this Saturday, July 26, 2025, and if you have access to the internet,

stop watching porn, stop typing Durgle on porn. Or open a second tab. Yeah, or open a second. We're happy with that. And go to YouTube so you can watch my special, my stand-up comedy special, 50 Minutes of Comedy, and then also Matt Stewart's stand-up comedy special. Oh my God, what a big nod. 50 Minutes of Comedy. And you can watch this, what, anywhere in the world? Any 50 minutes of comedy. And then also Matt Stewart's standup comedy special. What a big nod. 50 minutes of comedy. And you can watch this, what, anywhere in the world?

Anywhere in the world. That sounds... True, true. Unless, I know you live somewhere where they block YouTube, I don't know. Use a VPN. And you can watch... Say Say. Yeah. It's a... Yeah. Our shows that we recorded back to back here at Stupid Old Studios on the all new rebranded Humdinger YouTube channel. And if you can't watch it live, we're doing a premiere this Saturday, July 26th. Like I'm saying, if you can't watch it, if you're hearing this after that, it's up now and forever.

It's there, baby. Watch it, enjoy. Unlike Dave, it's up for... Yeah, for longer than 19 seconds. Longer than 19 seconds. Oh my God, I think it... My show's... Yeah, the thing she's saying, it's a lot longer than 19 seconds.

Yeah, well, I mean... Much like Dave loving the dinosaur. Yeah, well, I mean... Much like David's face. Yeah, well, I mean, I was doing the bit and you sort of got in there and I... I made it better. I faded it out. Well, you said it almost word for word what I was doing. What you were saying, which was... Oh, my God, I guess.

My brain had already locked it in and I'm like, pumping the brakes. You know, it's still like, you know, when you pump the brakes and you're already, you're in a semi trailer and you're a bit off speed. I'm always in a semi trailer. You don't like stop instantly. Like Dave doesn't just go flaccid in the flick of a switch. Bit of a cunt. So, like, as soon as I'm popping the red, I'm like, oh, that's me going, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, we said we've got to move the car in like 45, 50 minutes. We've got ages.

Well, we've probably all got fine. We've got to go. So thanks again for listening. We'll be back next week with another episode I gotta get out of here. Until then, thank you so much and goodbye Bye Absurd Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you When we're coming there wherever we go, we always hear six months later, Oh, you should come to Manchester.

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