Do Go On - 509 - Olga of Kyiv's Bloody Revenge Tour

Episode Date: July 22, 2025

When Olga of Kyiv's husband Igor was killed in the year 945, she embarked on one of the wildest revenge tours in history, showing no mercy to the killers. We are joined by pod favourite Michelle Brasier to hear about this wild tale from the Early Middle Ages!This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 13:13 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Our awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://www.britannica.com/biography/Saint-Olgahttps://www.britannica.com/biography/Igorhttps://www.britannica.com/topic/Kyivan-Rushttps://www.britannica.com/topic/The-Primary-Chroniclehttps://www.britannica.com/biography/OlegPrincesses Behaving Badly: Real Stories from History Without the Fairy-Tale Endings by Linda Rodriguez McRobbiehttps://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2014/01/saint-buried-people-alive-burned-city-revenge/https://allthatsinteresting.com/olga-of-kievhttps://www.factinate.com/people/facts-olga-of-kiev/https://worldhistoryconnected.press.uillinois.edu/7.1/sherman.html by Heidi Shermanhttps://museumhack.com/olga-of-kiev/https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/biography/saint-olga by Michael C Paul Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Wornikey and as always I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Hello. Hey, how are you doing?

Sorry you couldn't get through. Oh no. Is this our answering machine? Yeah, I'm sorry. I haven't really finished the report. Okay. You go quiet for five minutes. Finish it off.

Okay, well, you, yeah, why don't you guys chat? Well, we can bring in a third friend to this conversation. Are we ready for that? I don't know. Ten years in, are we ready? Please welcome. I think it's a fourth anyway, but... Well, it's a third to this conversation,

because you're out of the conversation, you're writing the report. So you're kicking out a third and you're bringing in a third. Yeah. Exactly. It's one in, one out and one out as Matt, and one in is Michelle Brazier! Yay!

Woo! Hi, Michelle. Sorry you had to see that. No, that's okay. It's good for me to see the inner workings. Yeah. It's exciting. It's nice to pull the curtain back and...

It is. See how we operate. How the sausage gets made. Yeah, so to say. Dugo One is a sausage factory. And I say that all the time. That is feedback we've had. Yeah, a bit of feedback.

Just a bit of feedback. I, um... Once we love a sausage. You're gone, you're not here. Sorry, once you'll speak of sausage a salmon me. Bradversed Viners Schnitzel. Is that a sausage? Mmm, makes me hungry.

See, Matt's gone, but Hans is here. And honestly, we kind of like Hans more. I'm so glad that we added a fourth. Yeah. It felt like the right time. Yeah. And even things out. Michelle, thanks for hanging out with us today. I was in a car accident today.

Yeah. And there were four cars. It was a four car pile up, as they say, on the news. That's wild. Can you tell us what you texted me? Let me over my phone. I don't know what I texted you, but I know you responded, ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, wow.

Was it just, I've been in a car accident. I've been horribly hurt. No, the horrible I said, okay, I took two texts in succession Yes, saying, I have the car, I don't need a lift,

tut, tut, all good, I love you, I'll see you soon, and then quite soon after I said, let it be known that I am fine, but I also have been in a car accident, treat yourself, I'm okay,

eventful morning, see you soon. Oh my gosh. And she just said, ha ha ha ha ha, ha, ha, sorry, but also. Because your car is cursed. Well,

uh, fuck. Yeah, it's got to go. I say as a friend, that car has to go. I like it. It's a fun. What a beauty. What a beautiful.

It's a nice car. But it's twice, two years in a row now, on the eve of driving to Adelaide, it has shat itself completely. Yeah. And needed expensive repairs. Yeah. That car hates Adelaide. And then it's been in, what, three accidents in the last fortnight? Yeah.

Yeah. So I think the car is cursed and it has to go. Three in a fortnight way. Is that three? Well, two. Two. The one of them was just the when we tried to go to Adelaide. It sort of made a loud bang and had to be towed.

Yeah, it's got, it's time to go. Yeah. It's a shame. It's a shame. We've had a weird and chaotic morning. I've been talking to the insurers. Yeah. I'm waiting for my thing because you've each had a dog injury or a car injury.

Yes. I feel like I'm uninjured. For now. Yeah, well, you better touch on that wood. Hans. I think that's Sausage. Because there's actually

Can I Before, wait, can I just tell the pod list is my interaction with the insurer online? Yeah, because that's

insane. Yes. So just a short transcript, they couldn't help me when I was trying to make my claim trying to add my policy

to my online portal. Sure. And they said, and it said, it's not working. I said, what's going on? I said, excuse me, chat.

Can I talk to a real person? They said, sorry, I'm still learning. Can I, reword that. I said, real person. They said, would you like me to connect you with a real person? I was like, yeah, babe. And then they connected me with a person, lovely person called Gerard. I haven't said the insurer, so it's okay. That's fine. Gerard's insurance. That's what's called. Yeah, Gerard was like, I sent you a thing to reset your password. I said, babe, that's not the problem. He said, just try it

anyway. I said, okay, reset your password. And he goes, is it work? I said, no. And he said, have you tried opening in a different browser I said, yeah. He said, well, I've done all I can. He said, well, I've reset your password and we've tried in a different browser. And it was like a thing that was obviously a checklist for his thing. And he was like, all I can suggest is you email app support. And I said, babe, I'm not using the app. And he said, who's babe?

Whose babe is pretty funny. Who's babe? It's funny that you said. Jared's ready to quit. It's funny that you wrote, babe. Oh, I've worked in customer service in an insurance company. company. Jared wants to die all day. Who's babe?

And it was like 10 o'clock in the morning. He's already done. He's had enough. He's had enough. He said, what's the app? He said, who's babe? And I said. So passive, aggressive. I love it. I know. And I said, oh, sorry, I'm not using the app. I'm using it. And he said, online services portal.

And then he said, calm. And I said, what? And he said, calm down. Just calm down. Incredible. And I said, when does calm down ever work? I said, Jared, it's crazy that you would say, come down to me. There's so many people who report you for this. But in my defence, like, I called you babe, so we're kind of even. Yeah, now we're even.

We both got our shots in. Yeah. And then he was like, so I forwarded it to the people and that you just wait. He said, you just wait for them to reply to you, all righty. And I know, I'm certain. A, he's quitting today. Yes. B, he's never, he's not made a report.

No, no. He's not. You just sit tight and you wait for us to call you. There's no fucking way. back to you. Yeah, he won't get back to it. He's, well, he's probably walking out of the building right now. Yeah. With someone on the line. Yeah. He's done. He's whistling while he's pouring petrol on the floor. Jared is done. So, yeah, an event for morning. And now we're ready to quietly and respectfully listen to Matt. I like that story because I like both characters.

And like, I think the real evil antagonist wasn't even one of the two. of you. No, I think we're mates. I think we're met in the middle. I think it's two heightened people. Like, you obviously, you've been in the car accident. That's fair that you're a bit like... We're not using out, babe.

But then he's just like... He was already so close to the surface that one small push of him being called babe. He's like, I'm fucking snapping. Also, I forgot to tell you, the guy who hit me called me. He's 100 years old. This name's Jose. And he was like, I don't have my number played. I was like, what?

He was like, do you have it? I was like, I don't have your number plate. I didn't pick it up and go, well, that would be mine. I'll take that, I guess. It's somehow gotten into your car. He said, you check your car. I said, it's not here, Jose.

You didn't hit me that hard, Jose. That your number plate's now embedded in mine. Yeah, I was like, I've got photos. Your number plate was gone when we had the smash. It was probably on the ground. He was like, oh, I have to go, Jose. I shouldn't have given you my number. This was a huge mistake.

Anyway, so it's been. morning. But we're okay. We're all okay. Everyone's fine. I'm feeling alive. Have you written a question now? Yeah, I've written a question.

Come on, why would you even suggest that? Have I said on pod that I wasn't ready? You said on pod you weren't ready. And also, I could have been plugging my shows just then. I talked about Jared. We're all having a tough morning. Yeah.

But your show, yeah, we'll talk about that soon. I think there'll be plenty of great opportunities. Let's get to the queue. Yeah, because people'll be skipping over this bit now. Yeah, get to the queue. We got into the meat of the episode and that's when your plug will really hit home. Thanks, Matt. Okay, shall I explain what we're doing here?

Yeah. What? So what we do here in case you don't know is we're taking turns to report on a topic, which is often usually suggested to us by one of the listeners. We go away, do a bit of research, bring it back to the group in the form of a report. It is Matt's turn. He has written most of the report were reliably informed. He's going to riff the end.

I'm looking forward to figuring out which bit he's just making up. I'm so excited about it. It's exciting. Matt, we usually start with a question as we've alluded to. What's your question to get on the topic? My question this week is, I'll just read it as I've written it. Capital and Larger City of Ukraine?

Kiev. Correct. Chicken Kiev. That was the other option. I was thinking, I was going to say, what is the full name of the chicken dish that is filled with a butter, garlic, ju, or sauce, perhaps? Kiev. Correct.

Is Michelle got a writer's an all right one for Jess? Put it in the spreadsheet. People also say Keeve now. What letter does Kiev start with? K. Correct. Yes. Everyone gets a point.

I did it. This week's topic is about a woman named Olga of Kiev. Oh. Are you familiar with her work? May I please share a quick fact about the Ukraine? Yes, please. President Zelenskyy is the voice of Paddington in the Ukrainian dub of the Paddington films.

What the heck? No freaking away! Yeah. And do they still get him back for the sequels? I think, no. I think since he's been defending his country against war. That would have been. I reckon he's busy.

But can you imagine if he was like underground in a bunker having to be in a secure location to record Paddington in Peru? Paddington in Peru. Everyone needs a downtime. Yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe he is. I don't know. I hope he is.

That's so fun. I think it's so charming. That's something that, uh, look up at some point during this episode. Dave, that's your job. Okay. All right, this has been suggested by a bunch of people, including Andri Kourge from Kiev in Ukraine, make sense. Apologies for the name pronunciation there. Andrew or Andre? A-N-D-R-I-Y. Oh. Oh. Surname K-O-R-Z-H. Cool. Andrew, Andre calls.

Hannah Schollard from Canberra, Megan Castle from Guthrie, Oklahoma, Emmy White from Albuquerque, New Mexico, David Plant from Little Paxton, Cambridge, Shear, Lady Paula Smith from Port Macquarie, Ariane from Ireland, Michelle from Port Macquarie, Alana from Australia, can't be more specific than that, Caleb Stanton from Christchurch, New Zealand, die from Dubai in the UAE, Samantha from Montreal, Quebec, and Kayla Hodgwitz from Tom's River in New Jersey. We have to stop for one second because you said somebody's name is Lady Paula. Yeah, Lady Ha-N Paula. That's awesome.

It's great. Also, die from Dubai? Die from Dubai is really great. Welcome back to Die from Dubai. That's crazy. I think this might be, like, there's quite a few suggestors, but also, you know, not from anyone's spot. They're spread around, maybe five different countries. Wow.

Maybe even six. I can't go back and count. No, you shouldn't. And I won't. Don't. I hate whispering. ASMR makes me want to die. Stop it.

Seven. Thank you. Eight. Share it with the class, please. I believe eight. Wow. Including some of the all-time goats of question writing for who knew with Matt Stewart as well. So I knew it was going to be a great topic when Kayla, Ariane and Emmy suggested.

They're three regular question writers. Amazing. Love it. And everyone else who suggested is also fantastic. So. Okay, it looks like he did Paddington 1 and 2. Okay. They're the biggest ones.

They're probably the best too. The third one's also very good. I love Paddington in Peru. Yeah, I liked it too. I'm not saying that. Felt like you were saying it. I wasn't saying it. I'm saying 2 and 1.

I'd go 2-1-3. Probably. I'd go 2-3-1. Really? So I've now seen the first two because of the Dugan Movie Club. Paddington 2, we're covering this month, which is very exciting. And I'm thinking, Jess, are we going to do the third one? So I just wait for the movie club before you make that choice?

Look, probably. Great. I'm excited to watch it. Jess and I saw Paddington in Peru together at the cinema. Yeah. So fun. On New Year's Day. No wonder you love it.

It was beautiful. Try and watch it like I did by myself. I did watch it by myself. I have a sense of whimsy in my life. life, man. I'm not rocking up here in thongs like... You just told me you watched it with Jess. Yeah, I watched it with Jess, but then I've also watched it by myself. What am I? A chump? Who's only going to watch Paddington in Peru once?

That's true. I've only watched it once. What fuck? Yeah. Anyway, it's... But I'm saving it for movie club. All right, so this week's episode takes place in Kivian Rus. In the 10th century, Kevian Rus, being the first East Slavic state, a place that I'd never heard of. But, you know, But it's sort of centered around Kiev, which is where the Kievian bit comes from. Or Kiev. Kiev.

Kiev. I'm so sorry to the Kievans. Just because, you know, since the Russian invasion, they've changed the English name. Oh, hey. But they changed the pronunciation as well. I believe. I wasn't aware of this. I would like to get this right.

The spelling Kiev reflects the Ukrainian pronunciation and translation of the city's name, where Kiev is derived from the Russian translation. Oh, so what you say key. Or transliteration is what I'm saying, sorry, because obviously they don't use the English alphabet. You can't just make words up, transliteration. Yeah, Dave, come on, man. So right here, man, you can't just laugh their faces.

So. Kiev. Kev. Oh, that's cool. Oh, Kiev. There's two presentations, apparently. So, so good. Christ.

A lot of what we know about this story comes from the primary chronicle, aka the tale of bygone years, which is, according to Britannic or a medieval, Kyivian Rus' historical work that gives a detailed account of the early history of the Eastern Slavs to the second decade of the 12th century. The Chronicle, compiled in Kiev,

in about 1113, was based on materials taken from Byzantine Chronicles, Western South Slavonic literary sources, and official documents in oral sagas. So this is like this big, epic book, but it was written like quite a while after the events. All the best history books are. Sounds like the Bible.

Yeah, yeah. It's got a bit of biblical stuff about it. And I think like the Bible, a bit of the legend and fantasy and stuff has been, you know. It's made its way in. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, a bit of fun. I mean, the story's great.

It probably just didn't happen like this. But anyway, it's still fun to. It's written in an old book. So that's in itself is something. thing. It's basically a book cheat. I love it. Yeah.

Heidi Sherman for World History Connected writes that much of the chronicle covered events that took place many generations prior to its completion, and the authors appear to have based much of the tale upon oral accounts, some clearly inspired by legend. After I did, I sort of ad libbed that bit and then I've read it, but I probably didn't need to. So, AJ, you can edit out that bit. He's not going to. I think he will.

So, yeah, like any historical story, right, you know, you can't trust it entirely. Can you trust history at all? No. I don't know if you can. I don't believe in science. I don't trust anything. I don't know. If I wasn't there, and you can't even trust your own memories apparently.

Yeah. Yeah, that's Cuckoo. I don't like that. I don't like it at all either. Yeah. So it's a photo of a photo of a photo or whatever? Yeah. Don't like that at all.

Well, I think that's Dr. Carl's memory. mine is infallible. Yes. I'd say so. According to Britannica, both the origin of the Kivian state and that of the name Roos, and I'm saying Roos, could be Russ. That's all right. Ross.

I heard some of the... Big Russ. Good on your Russ. And Russ is where Russia is named for it and Belarus, you know. But even those two words say it different, right? Bella Russ. Words can be hard. Rusty.

Bella, Russ. Who sakes are ready? You did his getting cold. But yeah, Britannica suggests that, you know, all of this is still up for debate by a lot of historians. And, you know, probably will never be settled. But according to Sherman, the primary chronicle writes at a group of Vikings, led by the warlord Rurik, accepted an invitation, proffered by a confederation of Slavic and Finnic tribes to come and rule over them. The chronicler informs that the Slavs and Finns were at war with each other and required a neutral party to bring

peace and order to the realm. Wow. So he's like, all right, we'll agree that you can't be in charge and I can't be in charge. So we'll get a third party. We'll get a warlord over. They'll be in charge. And you, and, but you got to remember that it's the people who, uh, who ended up being descendants from this warlord who wrote the book. It's like his grandson. He was like, no, they wanted it. Yeah. It was an invitation. Yeah. Yeah. To come over and tell everyone what to do forever. Yeah. So it's possible that that's not exactly how it went down. But anyway, that's how it's

written. It was royal propaganda, basically, this book. But anywho, the chronicle writes that the Viking, a Viking named Oleg, a Klansman of the Warlock Rurik, became the ruler of Novgorod around 879, and over the following years, he travelled down the Nipa River and took control of Smolensk and Kiev. There's so many nouns in this that I can't place. You don't need, yeah, don't place. Do I need to hold on to these? You don't need to hold on to these. Kiev or Kiev is... Hold on to that. Hold on to that because that's the centre of it.

But basically we've got supposedly these two different peoples were fighting. They go, hey, could we get one of these Vikings from over yonder? Bring his gang down. We want... We need a daddy. We need someone to rule over us. Oh yeah. Sort of like the history of Australia and all those nations were like. Can we get a daddy in England? We'll be daddy. That's what the book said.

I said, thank you. Thank you, Daddy. Yeah, it's like that, I'm sure. And then, so then one of the guys, this guy, Oleg, he's one of these Vikings. He's from one of the... Is he hot? He's like, maybe not the daddy, but he's an uncle. Is he hot?

And I assume he's very attractive. I'm sure the book actually probably said that. Yeah, and the unbiased book, definitely said that. He was an uncle, but he was a real dad. I'm like, oh, what a daddy. And, yeah, so he comes down, travels down the river, and he just starts conquering different places and peoples. Oh, cool. Bringing them in.

More people can. Please, please, please conquer us. Come and invade us. And not necessarily, I mean, he turns Kiev into the capital of the realm because it's apparently just in a great spot strategically. And the other places, I think most of them were sort of, you know, you live as you are. but every year I'm going to come and take a tax from now. Yeah, right. You're with us now.

That's always so good when they take tax. Yeah. And imagine how much easier his business would be once they brought in like bank transfers. Because he's having to go and collect it all. He's on the road 24-7. Yeah, the travel's nice, but like at some point. Each individual city has to get their phone out, tap to pay. No, that you are bang on.

That's so annoying. Jess, this story starts where the king, you know, the king, the rule. The daddy. The daddy goes and gets it directly. Yeah. But it ends with, yeah, not quite direct deposit, but a better system. PayPal. So you were right on it there.

Yeah, right. Well, I've got a business brain. Yeah. You know, I don't remember anything we've ever talked about on this podcast, but I do have a business brain. I'm saying. I was talking about the NASDAQ. I'm always talking about the NASDA. Olga?

You've got a bit of the Olga's about you. Do I? I. I bring in a new system. Wow. Wow. There you go. Is it square?

Square payments? I think it's square. Do you know I can't use my square in the United Kingdom? Yeah, well, no. We know, babe. Oh my God. How do you sell merch when you're in the UK? You can use your square.

You just have to type in the card numbers. Or you can buy a square from their curries or whatever over there. No, you can't. And we tried that. Didn't Matt and I do that one? We did do that, yeah, but it wouldn't have been our bank account. Oh, yeah. You've got to have their British account.

Yeah. But as soon as you activate that square, whatever country you're in, it's tied to that country for a way. I need to get another square. And a British bank account. Or use somebody's bank account. Brank account over there. I'm going to be.

Or type in credit card numbers. If you're coming to my show in Edinburgh and you want to buy a book after. Bring cash. Just get PayPal. Paypal. Yep. Yep. Get yourself for PayPal and we'll sort it out.

Yeah, because you don't want cash either, do you? No, what am I going to do with that? Wait for some uncle to come and collect it. Throw it in the bag. So, yeah. So you don't have to know. I've kept any of these words necessary in your mind, but that's the general idea.

A daddy's in town. Oh, have we mentioned that Goose, Jess's dogs here today? No, we've got a dog on the pod. Sorry, I'll stop sniffing the mark in a second. That did, like, I think listeners will assume that was you. They'll have to look to the video. My throat makes a lot of weird noises. Goose, what a funny fellow you are.

You're beautiful and you're so silly. You stink. And you are horrendous to smell. Yeah. But giving such good coverage for me over here, it's awesome. Such good coverage. I'm like holding in, but like, this is so, I can just go. Here's the thing too.

Cover me. Goose, cover me. You might assume he's always this flatulent, but he isn't. It's actually just that he's very excited. You're his maverick. He's just excited. I know which one of us is going through the wind screen. Can you guys hear me from the in the mic?

Is that still okay? Oh yeah, nice. I've just got a whole. this goose. Yeah, you hold this dog. Thank you so much. You hold him as long as you like. Someone tell me to do go on.

Do go on, please, man. I'm loving this and I'm interested. Oh, that sounds like I said, I am interested. So, so like I was saying, I don't really care. So like I was saying, Oleg turned Kiev into the capital, according to Britannica, extending his authority east and west of the Dolkhov, Nipa Waterway. He united the local Slavic and Finnish tribes under his rule and became.

the undisputed ruler of the Kievan Novgoridian state. The state stretched over varied lands, each providing different kinds of value to the rulers, values as in things that they can take as tax. At its peak, Kievan Russe took up a big chunk of modern-day Eastern Europe through Belarus, Russia and Ukraine, and I believe that the Russe in Belarus and Russia

comes from Kievan Rus and, of course, Kievian being Kiev, Kyivian. Sherman writes, from the north to the south, this is some of the different territories. From the north to the south, stretched tundra, good for hunting gathering, boreal forest and intermediate forest step for hunter gathering and agriculture, and the steppe for pastoral nomadism. The forest zones were especially rich in fur-bearing animals like pine, martin, fox, sable, and squirrel, as well as honey and wax.

And then Sherman also says the more densely settled regions also supplied slaves. Oh, no. Yeah. Sorry, sorry to be political on the pod. I know, pretty grim stuff back in the 10th century. Yeah. Who knew? You're anti-slave?

Yeah. And you're the, well, Jess and Dave didn't speak up so can only assume science is compliance. Just as bad. River systems linked to the different zones and also made it possible to travel by boat to great empires of the day such as the Byzantine Empire and the Islamic Caliphate. Sherman writes the furs, honey, wax and slaves could be exchanged in Constantinople and Baghdad for silk spices and silver in the form of coins. Cool. The Chronicle describes Oleg as a skilled warrior, defeating powerful opposing forces as he expanded his territory. It's like on his own.

There's one-man army. This is awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's basically the Statham of his day. Yeah, how many guys you got 10,000? Give us 45 minutes. I'll sort them out. Yeah, that's all.

I can keep my brunch appointment in. Fantastic. I love Jason Statham. We know, we know. And you're right to. He's great. You're correct to love Jason Statham. Yeah.

I think we all love Jason Statham here. I think we do, don't we? Yeah. We're divided on slavery. But we can all agree on the United. This end of us have me and Michelle, anti-slavery, Dave and Jess. And we're here to debate there. Silent, but, you know, you know what that probably means.

But we love Jason. But you do love Jason. Sorry, Goose is being obnoxiously cute. I know it's a podcast. If we do one clippable thing today, it will explode the internet. Yeah. But so far we have not. Goose has done a lot.

A lot of great stuff. But he's really visual. Yeah. Yeah. And we haven't said anything particularly interesting or funny. Well, pressure's on. And he is here because he has to be watched to see if the allergic reaction he had this morning comes back. His face exploits.

We have to see if his face explodes. So it actually will be quite nice to have some video footage. Yeah. Here's the exact moment his face started to blow up again. That is fun. Yeah. I've heard that Frenchies are. very easily dealt with medically.

You heard that from me? He heard that from me? I heard they don't have many. You basically don't even need to have your vet's number. It's like a cactus. Yeah, yeah. Just leave them in a corner and they thrive. They thrive.

They're invincible these. Why the cactus naturally evolved to be like this? You are an assault to God. But much like Goose, this guy, he's a badass. He's a badass. He's a badass, that's right. And, you know, depending on your perspective, maybe just bad. But that's, you know, that's everyone.

That's history, baby. That's history. That's everyone who's been written about history. Anyone remembered that long? Probably not the best. That's so true. That's very true. Probably.

Yeah, he always says that about Jesus. So, oh, normally off pod. Sorry, Dave. Well, he's not the best, because this guy's the best. Dave's always... It's number one. Dumber one, Jason. Number one, Jason. Number two, Viking King.

Yeah. Number three, J.C. J.S. Number two. J.C. number three. But Jesus have a middle name. Probably Goose. Yeah.

Oh, H. Oh, H. People do say that. Hmm. That'd be a reason. I don't know it. Me either. It stands for Horny.

Jesus. Horny cross. Queen in your room. He would have a room. be norny. He would have. He was in his 30s. I mean, it was probably calming down. His 20s. Oh, yeah. Well, they're not written about it at all.

Probably no one. What was he doing in his 20s, root rat? Last years. No offense. Matt, do go on. So, yeah, so Oleg's just heading down the river, just going, all right, you're with us now. We'll be back to collect. You're right. We got you guys. And then apparently once a year

He'd do a winter tour Called the Polidae Pologue, Pology Doesn't really matter He did a winter apology Sorry but I'm going to need your money Sorry I'm taking all that tax now The English translation was to the people

I'm just heading out to the people Oh that's nice It's nice It's my winter tour to the people I winter in the people No that didn't work It worked It works really well

Almost too well Oh no. Almost so well that it didn't actually work that well at all. Awesome. That's my sweet spot. So he's just, he's just travelling around collecting furs, wax, honey and slaves. And then he's taken him, send him back to Kiev by boat, and then onto Consenople, the Byzantine capital to be traded. Apparently, the Byzantine Empire wasn't so keen on letting rampaging Vikings into their city,

but after a series of attacks on Constantinople, it got to the point that the Byzantine government were like, we'll pay you to stop. Right. Let's cut a deal here. We'll pay you to stop? Here's some cash, but we've got to make a deal.

We're going to let some of you come in through our gates to trade because we can see that, you know, it's worth both of our wilds, but 50 max at a time, and also you've got to leave your weapons at the door. Wow. Oh, so that was the deal. Like a key party. Yeah.

And whoever's axe you pick up. That's who you go. I got Olegs. Oh, fuck, yeah. The big one. Oh, you want to get daddies. Is it? You want to hop down.

Okay. Sorry, do go on. So this deal that Oleg broke it with Constantinople was in 9-11 and was seen as being very favorite. 9-11? Yes. The first one. Oh, my God.

The original. Yeah. Because I grew up thinking the sequel was the original. The Porsche. Porsche car? What are we talking about? Oh, yeah. There's a trilogy of 9-11, isn't there, in a way? But, you know, this one was the year. And it was...

Oh, the year, no. Jeff and I was so confused. I was like, what? The year 9-11, okay. Oh, that's ages ago. Yes, so that was when the deal was made, and it was seen as been a really good deal for the Kivian Rus. According to Britannica, the agreement, regulated commercial relations between the two

states and laid the basis for the development of permanent and lucrative. trade activities between Constantinople and Keevan Rus. Anywho, Oleg, he's remembered as a powerful warrior and conqueror, written up very nicely in the big book. But the same cannot be said for his successor, Igor. In The Chronicle, he is depicted as greedy, rapacious and unsuccessful. And he's also, yeah, kind of the center of the story this week. You've got to have some redeeming your feature.

He's got to be really hot. Well, his wife did a lot of cool stuff. Okay. I think his wife's the redeeming feature. He's a wife guy. He's a wife guy. And the thing, the inciting incident for this week's story is his death. Hooray!

Hora! He sounds shit. Yeah. Is it Eagle the shit? But he would have been dead by now anyway. I should say that if anyone is mourning his loss. By now. By now.

2025? Yes. Yeah, probably, yeah. He would have died anyway. I died young back then. Yeah. Before he died, he proved an underwhelming leader, corner Britannica.

He led an expedition to Transcaucasia that ended in total disaster for his forces. He also conducted two expeditions against Byzantanium. Byzantium, like in the Marvel movies. I'm going to say it again, but now that you've enjoyed it, AJ, I'll probably leave it in. God damn it. He also conducted two expeditions against Byzantian. in 941 and 944. But these were way less successful than his predecessor.

Many of his ships were destroyed. And then the treaty that they finally concluded in 944 was a lot less advantageous to Kiev than the one obtained by Oleg in 9-11. So they were renegotiated because he wasn't as powerful. Yeah. I mean, he tried to attack him again. But obviously they're like, oh. Oh, actually, you're weaker than we thought.

Yeah, you would have been better off just staying at home. Yeah, yeah. We were scared and now we're not. Yeah, I think Igor should have read out of the deal. Anyway, it's all about bluffing. Yeah. Apparently, he... And saying whatever you want.

He did make some gains for his state, though, including subjugating the East Slavic tribe of Dreblian. Man, this word, this place and these people is spelled differently across sources. And I'm not super confident with how to say, but, you know, when I'm saying something like Dreve, Dervle, I'm talking about these guys. And these guys, these guys are the other key player for the rest of the story. Okay. Drevland. Drevlan. Drev land. Drevlan. Drevlan. Dreve lands.

Dreve lands. Drev. Drove dogs. Yeah, big, big, big Drev dogs. Apparently. Drove heads. Drove heads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had spoken for a while. I think Drevheads is good though Yeah thanks

These are the guys that kill Eagle Okay So him taking down the Drevheads Wasn't particularly popular amongst his own people Who saw it as a drain on their resources But I think like some of his army men Wanted like better uniforms and stuff So he's like, oh I'm gonna

I'm gonna get some new income sources from these guys but everyone else was like, why are you draining our sources on this just for... So it wasn't particularly popular. His own people didn't really like him. And Linda Rodriguez McRobbie writes, If Igor was unpopular with his own people, imagine how much less the Drebheads liked him, especially after he violently subjugated them

and forced him to pay an annual tribute, not just once, as was customary, and implied by the word annual. But multiple times. We want a monthly annual tribute. He started, yeah, he started going, oh, maybe I'll head back and he's like basically doing U-turns. He's on his way back to Kiev to drive. Actually, no, I'm going back to those drive heads.

That's everything. Yeah, yeah. You've taken everything. So after they're like, all right, man, you are taking the piss now. And we've run out of piss. You've taken it all! Yeah, they were, they were peeved. I would have been peeved and keved.

So when 945 came around and Igor came out. and Igor came back to make another unscheduled collection. Their leader, Prince Mal, M-A-L. Prince Mal. That's awesome. Prince Mal. Mal. Prince Mal.

Good on you, Mal. Leader of the Drevheads. He was fed up, and apparently this is according to the big book, the Chronicle, or the English translation of it, he told his tribe, if a wolf come among the sheep, he will take away the whole flock one at one, one by one. One at one. He wanted to try to get clean But we jumped in and so.

What do we play pick up here? One on one. One at one. One at one. One at one. One by one. Unless he be killed. If we do not thus kill him now, he will destroy us all.

You know, basically saying... This guy's fucked. He's fucked. He's taken all our piss. We have no piss left to give. I was saving that piss for my daughter's 21st. Yes. Now, you know, if we don't get rid of him, then he's going to,

probably, you know, take a future piss. So we haven't even done yet. We haven't even pissed. Yeah. This guy's absurd. It's taking our grandchildren's pissed and they're not even born. Yeah. Yeah. So they did something about it.

And as 10th century Byzantine writer, Leo the deacon recorder, Ego quote, was captured by them, tied to tree trunks and torn in two. Whoa. Apparently some, and this is another thing that historians these days doubt actually. happen, but, you know, maybe a lot of it's adding a little bit of extra mayo to it.

So I don't care about truth. Can I be honest? Yeah. I don't give a fuck of what happened. I want to know the spiciest version. Okay, great. Should I stop saying that? I'll stop saying that.

I think we know that, you know, take it as a great as song. It's a bit spicy. So apparently the idea is that they pulled two trees down, you know, bendishable trees down. Bendishable. Yeah, a couple of palms. Tied him between them and then let him go, fwing! Whoa! That's awesome.

That's awesome. That's awesome if it's a cartoon. Yeah. I wouldn't want to actually see that happen. But if it's a cartoon, it's pretty funny. So like a crocodile came up, bit him into parts. Yeah, bit of him into parts. Yeah, pieces.

Head went that way. Yeah. Legs went that way. Exactly right. Yeah, that's right. Wow. Instead of crocodiles, a tree came up, bit him to parts. Yeah.

Dinosaur chop him daddy. That sort of thing. That is, of course. Don't chop the dinosaur, daddy. But what you said was dinosaur, chop him daddy. And it really took me, no, it took, I took too many steps. Oh, I got it immediately. I got it immediately.

Because a girl I went to high school with did a dance class with that girl. Holy shit. God, you've brushed shoulders the same. Apparently, she hated it. That is really great, but I did think you were going to say that she went to school with a girl who did a dance about... He too! A dance version.

Interpretive dance. She did an interpretive dance about that ad for Natural Confectory Co. Papa! Don't! And she's the dinosaur? Yeah, it's everybody who walked the dinosaur. But it's like a scary one. Like Lady Gaga performance art.

And that it ends with her just saying, chop it, black out. Yeah. So powerful. So, yeah. A beautiful piece. So they ripped him in two. That's brutal. He's been...

He's been ripped in two. But he sucked, right? Well, yeah, it seems like it. Certainly according to the big book. Yeah. Yeah, chop him. Now it's time to finally introduce the main character of this episode. Igor's wife, Olga.

Sherman writes, according to the Chronicle, Olga married Igor in 903. The source knows little of her early years, but states that she was born in Skorv, major town near Lake Peepis. on the Estonian-Russian border in 890. Peepus. I would say, I did look up a few videos how to pronounce.

And they said Lake Peepus. Lake Peepis, I just three-bord it there. Lake Peepis. Is that what I think? Peepet. Papers? She was born in 890. 890. Well, see, this is... And they got married in 9.

9-03. Fuck. But it's... Oh, don't do math. No. The... They died at like 20 back then, though. Hang on, is this right?

It did used to get married quite young, didn't they? Yeah, but that's a bit too young. I'd say that's a bit too young. That's young, particularly if you're like from a royal family or something, they're often matching you up. Yes. Getting their tire together. Yeah, her birthday is like a circus.

Got a little scene next to it. They're really not sure about it because some things are the story. She's like, no, yeah, I'm 13. She's like 40. But also, it's weird because at that part of the story, she seems, oh, pretty young for that. And then later, it's like she's having a kid in her 50s, and they're like, that maybe was unlikely as well. So there's a few things that are a bit, like they're not quite sure about the timelines. Oh, she's awesome.

Should I sing? Always. What happened? I've got this report open on three different tabs, and I clicked on the wrong one. That was way further down. I'm like, where are you that? Wait. What is like, hey, where's there is there?

The end. for Epps go Michael C. Paul writes the main bridge over the... Michael C. Hall! Michael C. Paul. Oh. Sorry. Michael C. Hall. What's the an actor?

He's Dexter. Yes. I was thinking he was the guy from Weird Science. What's that guy's name? Is he another Michael or a C or a hall? It doesn't matter. You know, he might not be that guy. I could be wrong.

No, no. I think you're right. Thanks. But I just... Are you thinking of Neil DeGrasse? No. Tyson? Yeah.

Are you thinking of Parascon? Okay. Which is actually pretty close, is it? Yeah, Hall. Michael Hall. Yeah. So actually, what I did there was fine. But we're talking about Michael Paul.

Who's not who he's just saying, I wrote it, an article about it. We've just met our main character. Yes. So Michael C. Paul, to go, play Dexter rights. The main bridge The main bridge The main bradge The main bridge

The man bridge The main bridge Over the Velikea River in Scorff Is still named for her And there is a cross On the nearby riverbank Called Olga's cross

Oh cool According to the book of royal degrees Ego met Olga while he was This is Do you guys like a meet cute Because this is one of those Yeah Igor met Olga while he was fishing along the Villa Kea River in Scorff,

seeing a fish on the other side of the river. He called over a boat to carry him to the other side. I love this. He's like, oh, there's a fish over there. So I'd better, I'd better hurry over there. Because the fish is going to stay in one spot. Don't cast the line near or anything like that. I'm imagining it's on the bank.

I'm going to get a fish back in the water. He can't breathe. You're not made to be out there. You're trying to help the fish. Yeah, fishing. was a different thing back then. It was saving fish. So yeah, he calls for one of his boats to take him to the other side.

Once in the boat, Igor noticed that the boatman was in fact a maiden named Olga, who was, quote, very young, beautiful. Did she say that? She said, hello, I'm very young. Yeah, this is a 40-year-old pretending to be 13. I was like, why are you in charge of a boat if you're only 13? Very young, beautiful and brave. Oh my God, that's how I introduce myself as well.

Very young, beautiful and brave. See that on your business card, actually. Yeah, thank you for knowing that. He was smitten by her appearance as, quote, his passions were kindled and he uttered shameless words to her. Jesus. What? Like what?

It doesn't say it. Sometimes I piss myself at night. Is that why he's so, that's why he's so. That's why he's taking it. It's like in so much of it. Yeah. He's like, and he splashes around. See it?

Yeah. Could have been anyone. There's piss everywhere. There's piss everywhere. So it's not really. It's like Dave and Goose's farts. Yeah. It's awesome.

Sherman continues, Olga is not mentioned in the Chronicles again until 942. What about the fish? Did he say for the fish? Yeah. Is the fish okay? The fish lived. Oh, the fish lived.

Oh, the fish is still alive. Yeah. Oh, that's so good to hear. End report. We hear all about the fish, but we didn't hear about her for, what, 30 years or something. Yeah, decades go by, much like Jesus in the Bible. I think because some of these stories are like, we're telling a story and when they're important, we'll tell you about it. And when they're not, you know, things go along.

She was around. She was just at home. She wasn't noteworthy. Watching neighbours. Yeah, she was watching neighbours. So she's brought up again when she gives birth to Igor's son, Svatsislav. There's too many people. Yeah, well, you know, he's just.

They're some. They've got a son. Svathislav. Sviatislav. That's a sick name. Call him the boy. The boy. The boy. So this means that when his dad died, he was only three years old. Not ready to rule. Okay, brag. I was 18, okay, but we live for longer now.

Okay, we're all special. We're equally special. Okay. And I think that's important if you are listening. It's fair to slav. Um, kind. Sorry. But yeah, Sherban says, the Chronicle was compiled a while after her lifetime and chronological slips apart for the course with medieval authors. So it's likely that some of these dates are erroneous.

That's why maybe she wasn't in her 50s when she gave birth. So yeah, her husband is murdered. Her son's too young to rule. So that means Olga becomes the regent, making her the first. making her the first recorded female ruler of the ruse. Now was the Drevheads turn to take the piss, as they suggested to Olga, after they killed her husband, that she marry their leader, Prince Mal.

Oh, Prince Mal. They're like, hey, we've heard you're single. She's like, he's not cold yet. Yeah. They buried him as well, the Droveheads. They buried him out by their place. Like, you know, we'd come get. married by your husband's grave basically.

That's beautiful. Do they have to bury him in two spots? Because one bit catapulted over there. Yeah, it was it? Half catapulted over there. Efficiency, they just like, we'll bury him where he lies. Which is, yeah,

quite a few miles apart. We just dug a big channel. But yeah, they're like, Prince, Matt, think about it, Olga. You and Prince Mal? Power couple. Combine the two? That sounds like a match made in heaven.

Yeah. Except that, you know, Mel just murdered her husband. But I'm wrong from that. And I think the Drevheads were like, Mal, you know, we've got the upper hand here. Yeah. We showed how powerful we are. We killed your guy.

There's no man ruling your place now. So your place is without a ruler because there's no man. Yeah. You're just a little wady. You're just a tiny little wady. You couldn't do it. Too much work. You'll break a nail.

How will you watch Neighbors? Better if we do it. Yeah. So she goes, So they sent 20 of their best men to Kiev to put the idea to Olga. And Sherman writes, Olga met the Drevheads, the Derevilian embassy, outside the gates of Kiev,

responding that she was intrigued by the proposal, but wanted to honour the delegation at a public ceremony the next day to which they could be carried in their boats. Apparently they were like, they'd come down the rivers and they're like, now you can carry us from here. You know, they've been real pricks about it. Yeah. I've got to piggyback them all one by one.

Yeah. Oh, no, the whole boat. Like, they'd lift up the boat and all the Drevheads would be in the boat and they'd just carry him over land. That's insane. That's the stupidest shit I heard in my life. Yeah. Just get off the boat. Put the boat in the lower.

Carry us. But she was like. She was like, yeah, absolutely, of course. And she was like, you know, you know what? Hey, it's not like my husband that you killed is going to be able to rise from the dead. I need a husband, obviously. Yeah, obviously. I'm just a widdle lady.

Yeah. Come back and go to your camp overnight. Come back. Chill on your boat. I want to set up a big do for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. So they went back to their camp and once they left,

Olga ordered her men to dig a large ditch right in front of her castle on their property. Something's going on. Then the following day... It's a party ditch is fine. Don't worry. She's celebrating a big thing. It's to cook a pig. Yeah.

A really big pig. A really big pig. And then she said to her people, I want you to find a pig big enough for this ditch. I don't think we can do that. They're like, maybe we should have started with... We should have found a pig. We should have found a pig first and then maybe built like a ditch for that pig

rather than like a ditch and then find it impossibly big pig. That's the thing. It's like what comes first, the ditch of the pig. Yeah. And then they've just started in their biggest pig and going, well, that looks ridiculous. It's like a drop in a bucket. It's like a sausage in a hallway. I guess do we get more pigs?

I don't know if we're going to eat or it seems wasteful. You can make like a Voltron-style pig where a pig is each leg and a pig for an arm. And then the biggest pig being the pig torso. Then we're kind of out of pigs though. And after one night, do you want to spend all your pigs on one night? This is every pig we have. But you got to remember, this is the drive heads, you know. True.

We're combining our two. Yeah. Then we'll be able to use their pigs. Yeah, that's true. We took all their piss, but we left all their pears. but we left all their pigs. So, yeah, this is according to Sherman. The Drevhead Embassy presented itself in sumptuous dress,

demanding that they be carried to town aloft their wooden boats. According to plan, the boats were dumped into the ditch and the men were buried alive. Whoa! What about the pigs? Did they get the pigs out? I think the pigs get out. Quick pigs. The pigs were a big one.

They're like, come on pigs. They just shoved there. That's pretty funny. I'm in a ditch and then just started to bear it. That is, because they're like these pompous people in their beautiful best garb, their Sunday best. And then they're like, hang on a second. No, why you're chafeling dirt on top of me? Yeah, yeah.

They're like, we've got them. We've got them cornered here. Wow. We're going to make her marry our guy, Mal. I think that Olga might be a bit of a badass. Yes. Yeah. I think she might be a bit of a psycho.

Throw them in the hole. We're going to like, okay, we're back in the 900. I'm into it. I'm into it. I support women's wrongs. Apparently, like, she even had a little sass to it. This was according to Rodriguez Macrobby. Apparently, before her men shoveled the dirt over them,

Olga leaned over the edge and asked if this particular honour was to their taste. Is this good? Is this good? Is this good? Is this good? Is this good? Is this good? Feeling special?

Okay. We carried your little boats. Happy with this dirt. Is this dirt fine enough for your? your taste. That's incredible. So it's clear that, yeah, Olga was pretty P-Oed about them murdering her husband, and she wanted revenge.

She's a bad bitch. Even though, like, it sounds like he was a pretty dopey guy. Oh, yeah. But she's still like, he was my dopey guy. He's blind, you know. He's my dopey fool, all right? As Rodriguez MacRobbie writes, I can now reveal what her book's called. I thought it would give too much away.

It's called Princesses Behaving Badly. It's so good. Is there just multiple stories? I'd love to read that book, actually. Yeah, well, I've got it on audio and in an e-book form, and I'm going to be using it for future episodes, I'm sure, because there's a lot of great tales in there. Yeah.

That's awesome. But, yeah, this is Rodriguez Macrobby writes. Her next move was to send word back to the Drevheads, requesting their noblest and most distinguished men to come to her court and accompany her back to their kingdom so that she could join their prince. If not showing this honour, she warned her people would not let her go. She's like, you're going to have to send some more of your best over.

They don't know what happened to these guys. That's so funny. And then they need to tell me, I can't go come by myself. How could I? They won't let me. My people won't let me. How to whittle. German rights, unaware of his first embassy's gruesome demise,

Prince Malte complied with the wishes of his future bride, when the best man of the derivia, The Drebheads arrived in Kiev. Olga invited them to bathe before seeing her. Head off to the bathhouse. Oh, that's beautiful. It's really nice. Clean yourself up.

It's been a long journey. Our town's right on a natural hot spring. It is gorgeous. Normally, 100 bucks to get in. You guys, make yourselves at home. Please help yourself towels, robes. I've worded up the cafe. Okay, they're ready for you.

They'll give you a croissant. Just enjoy you. Normally, $48 for that croissant. As Van does a fantastic. macchiato. Yes. And a fantastic massage. Oh, the man has magical hands.

He is, we are so lucky to have him. So yeah, please make yourself at home enjoy. But once they're in the bathhouse, they were locked in and set it and set on fire. Fuck. I was, my thought was they'll make the water really hot and boil them. Boil them? But fire.

Like, if you're in the sauna, at what point do you think? I think they're trying to kill me. It's hard. I expect it to be hot. As soon as I walk into a sauna, I'm like, someone's trying to kill me. As soon as I walk into a sauna, I assume that I'm going to be locked in. Yeah, I don't like sonnas. I'm like, oh, I'm in a movie.

I can't breathe in saunas. Have you been to the dry ones, the infrared ones? No. Much nicer. Okay. It's not all wet. Yeah. Oh, okay.

I like the humidity. Are you not making it? You're making your own moisture, though, right? What? You're pissing them, right? You piss in them, right? You're piss in the infrared ones. Well, I figure like, a lot of the sauna's moisture is your own sweat, isn't it?

isn't it? No. Or is that, no, you're not sweating. That's just, I mean, you are sweating.

What? You are sweating. Have you been to a sauna? Yeah. You walk into the sauna and you see the mist and you think, well, that's from me. That's true.

Or you think all that's from the others that have been in here. You think you're walking in. I was walking into a cloud of other people sweat. No, no, no, I think it's both. It's a moist air. Yes, of course. But is it.

So, it's a humid environment. Good for the breathing. Right. It's not just sweat. No, it's not. It's not. But it's a one where you are in there and it's not a moist environment.

Yeah. Is there no, so you're not even moist? No, it's still hot. Yes. And your body's still react. So you will still sweat. You'll still sweat. But not in the same way.

So that's what I said. Not in the same. Providing your own moisture. That is, I guess, what you said. That might have been what you said. It still wasn't right. Okay. I was curious and I asked a.

B-Y-O-M. Are you bringing your own moisture because you're sweating. I've got saliva in my mouth. I've B.Y.O. saliva today. That's my moisture. That's so true. That really does make you think. That's actually hurt my brain. I need you to do go on or I'll spiral. Okay, so they're burned alive. Right, right, right, right. They should have brought their own moisture. Yeah. Two creative ways to kill and seek vengeance. I think we're having fun. This is great. This is all. This is Shakespearean. This is awesome. Yes, yeah, it is. Is it made up? Did he write this?

Ah, he probably ripped it off, right? He's from after this time, isn't he? Is he? He's after, yes. Yeah, I don't know, you think shakes me, think derivative. I think derivative. I think derivative. I think derivative.

There it is. Rodriguez M. Robbie and Rodriguez McRobbie. Which is quite the name, isn't it? It's a fantastic name. Incredible. A lot happening. Rodriguez McRobbie writes, apparently no one was telling the derivilians that every man they'd sent so far had been murdered. Like, the word was not getting bad.

Send more guys. Where are the guys? They're loving it. Send more. We're having fun over here. Send more guys. Well, this, she changes tactics. She sends a messenger to them saying, I'm coming.

Let's have a party to celebrate what we're doing here. We're bringing us all together. Let's have a party. Red wedding. And she told them to prepare great quantities of mead in the city where her husband was buried, so that she could, quote, weep over his grave and hold a funeral feast for him. Okay. She arrived with a small retinue of soldiers, and when the Drivileans asked where all their

noble and best men were, she lied and said, oh, they're on their way. Oh, did they not get, ah, we must have overtaken them. Yeah. Yeah, they're, so, you know, those big boats. You guys have got those beautiful big boats. I fed them the biggest pig. Yeah. And they are full up.

Yeah. They are very full, yeah. They're sweating it out in the hot house. Yeah. Why are you winking at me, Olga? Olga's messenger. So, yeah, Rodriguez McRobbie continues. In the meantime, she suggested they all get down to feasting and drinking.

Let's party. Let's celebrate. They'll be here any minute. This is our Igor would have wanted to be remembered. Yeah. Partying with the people who killed him. Yes. And then saying, yeah, I'll marry you.

Yeah. Yeah. For museum hack, Alex Johnson writes, the mead was flowing, but while the Drivileans were blacking out, Olga's men had been ordered to T-total and keep their wits about them. When the time was right and the Dravilians were good and sloshed, Olga brought down the hammer, killing 5,000 of the Dravilians. Whoa. Although Johnson agrees, and like this is all the stuff, 5,000 feels like an exaggeration. That's a lot. I mean, it's hard to sneak up on 5,000 people.

How drunk are they? Just like going around and they're all like passed out. Another one. Stab. And a stab to you. And no one's waking up. Yep. This is just party games, guys.

If anyone's hearing this, they screams are of joy. Playing pin the tail on the donkey sort of thing. So by this point, you'll probably get the idea why one of our topic suggestors, Lady Paul Smith, described this as, quote, one of the most bone-chilling revenge tours in history. Oh, a revenge tour. That's fun. We should do one of those next time we go out on the road.

Taylor Swift, revenge tour. I'm in my revenge era. That's awesome. Should we enter our revenge era? Yeah. Oh, could I come? No. Well, could you have it on me?

Yeah. Avenge you or take revenge on you? No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Revenge on me. Okay. I've done all kinds of stuff to you guys. mostly hold a dog who's fighting a lot i've been holding this dog the whole time great work goose wishes to be on me but not in a way that makes me feel comfortable no i imagine this is doing your core great things thank you you can you i just want to say on the record you could put him down at any

time well i put him down for a bit and then he sat at my foot going yeah so i thought i'll pick him back up this is why uh i don't bring him to work Tim does this as well Can I get a quick photo Yeah yeah The way he looks Is so funny as well Oh I didn't plug my show guys

I just held the dog What a great opportunity At some point So the revenge tour is not over yet Michelle But you're about to go on a revenge tour That's so true I'm going to Edinburgh for my revenge

You famously hate Edinburgh And the fringe So now it's time to take revenge. Yeah. My book's coming out in the United Kingdom. I'm going to have a book launch at the Guild of Balloon. And I'm also going to do my new show. It's a shame we won't be friends next year, which has not even been on in Melbourne yet.

So you get it fresh. That's so good. I like how you're disrespecting them like they disrespect us by trialling their shows here before doing it. No, I would have to disrespect. Revenge to her. I just respected, I did it in Perth and Adelaide. Yeah, that's... I actually really respect Adelaide.

Yeah, me too. I love, I, I, personally I prefer saying early... Oh my God, Goose! That's the worst part I've ever smelled! Yeah, put him down, put him down. Goose, we're going to have down. Veterinarian style. Put it down veterinarian style.

But yeah, I genuinely do love seeing earlier iterations of shows anyway. I reckon, well, there's still a few. creases yet to be ironed out and whatnot. Yeah, although it is perfect and worth the ticket price. Oh, of course. But if you want to say before, you know, while there's still light in your eyes, obviously by the time you bring it back to Melbourne, you'll be like on rope, just. I'll be like, oh, pretending stuff's improved, but it's not.

So, another massacre. That's three kind of mini-mascical. Well, this one was probably not even a mini-maskker. That was five thousand. It was proper massacre. Wow. But is Prince Mel safe? I don't think we hear of Mal again.

I think they got Mel. They might have got Mal. Wow. Get him. I'm not 100% sure on that. But he's not really relevant to the story anymore. But she's not done. Yeah, good.

Right, the revenge continues. It's a tour. She can't call three stops a tour. That's not a tour. She returns to Kiev to ready her army for further attacks. And they tear through Javelli. in villages, either, you know, killing but also a subject like taking taxes and you're back, getting you back on the right path.

That's right. Killing those villages that definitely had a lot to do with the death of your husband. I don't care who you were for. Please just let me alone. Yeah. And then they tried to take down the capital, is Khorustin. But it was quite a fortified city, gated. gated community and um like my mom lives in yeah that's beautiful so they couldn't get at them

um but they were basically keeping them in siege so they were you know probably slowly starving and running out of of um bibs and bobs well is that her no that's them they're people that's the dreb heads she's at the gates she's surrounding them yeah um and back to roderaguerg's mcrobby olga and her army spent a year trying to take the city by force but without success finally she devised another plan. Olga sent a message to the besieged people asking, why do you persist in holding out? All of your cities have surrendered to me

and submitted to tribute so that the inhabitants now cultivate their fields and their lands in peace. But you had rather die of hunger without submitting to tribute? She's like, this doesn't make any sense. We're here. Why aren't you trusting me to do business? Why don't you trust me?

All I do is kill everyone all the time. Every time, every chance I get. What? I just do it in really, brutal and creative ways. What? What? And the Trevillians were like,

oh, we'd be happy to pay tribute, but we kind of know you're still hell-bent on revenge. Yeah, that's the revenge thing. And she's like, no, no, no, no. Me? No. That's been done. I've avenged my husband.

Yeah, that's been done. I did it a few times, actually. Yeah, I'm good. It's out of my system. I've got the closure I need it. Thank you so much for checking, though. That's really nice of you. She's like, I don't desire further revenge,

but I am anxious to receive just a small tribute from you. After I've made peace with you, I shall return home again. I'm done, okay? Yeah, I just want to go home, want to check out the baths. Oh, that's right, the bathhouse burned down. We should rebuild a bathhouse. I've got some renaos to do. I'm busy.

So the tribute she requested was three sparrows and three doves from each household in the city, which I guess is something that, Each household had many. But once you give your best three sparrows and your best three doves, what do you've got less? She didn't say your best. She didn't say three. She didn't say, but she's looking at, what's this piece of shit?

Yeah. That's not a dove. And the townspeople are like, oh, that's actually really reasonable because we're pretty low on a lot of stuff. Yeah. So this is... We are flush with doves. Yeah, I've actually got too many dubs. I was going to start killing dubs.

So that's perfect actually, yeah. You can have those, for sure. Um, so yeah, they're happy to oblige. And while Olga was seemingly playing nice, in truth, her bone-chilling revenge tour had one last stop. I knew it. I knew it. I trusted her. Once the birds were collected, she handed them out to each soldier got a bird, one bird per soldier.

Which at that time, they were saying, oh. This is nice. What a sweet perk. Thank you. Thank you so much, Olga. Thank you for this bird. But then she said, I want you to tie sulfur dipped cloths to the bird's feet, each of the bird's feet. basically turning them into weapons.

And as Johnson writes, once it was dark, on fire flaming. Once it was dark, ogre's soldiers released the pigeons and sparrows who naturally flew back to their nests in their houses, coops, and haystacks. And the whole city was soon set a flame at once and the dravillians fled. So they're like, we can't put out one far at a time. the whole city just started burning instantly. She is very creative. That's creative stuff.

Yeah. Are the birds okay? I reckon yes. Yeah, I think yes. I think once the little bit of rope that was attaching the bomb to them burnt, they just flew off. So the birds are fine. I think they built in a little, a little, they pulled the string. They wet the birds.

Yeah, the birds were wet. Oh, yeah, birds were super wet. They brought their own moisture. B-Y-O-M. That's what you said before. I only just got it now. And what's the stuff they put on stuntmen, like that fire retardant? They put that on them.

Oh, yeah. So those birds were fine. They've got a good couple of minutes. Yeah, they're fine. And then they fly away. So it's okay. Okay. Birds are fine.

People are dead. All the people are dead. That's okay. But the birds are okay. Yeah. Yes. Some people did survive and, you know, they were fleeing the same. city. I was like, oh, now you want to leave the gated community, okay.

Okay. Oh, now the gate's suddenly not malfunctioning like you've been saying it was. Oh, the gates, oh, it's stuck and it. Oh, and Johnson writes, some of these people that were fleeing, she killed. She kept some of slaves and the rest when she couldn't kill or enslave anymore. She let the rest stay, rebuild their city so they could start paying tribute. Wow, a merciful queen. Yeah. Cool. Fucking else. I know.

It's all pretty hectic. It's fair game of thrones, isn't it? Yeah, it is. And that's, you know, that's why I think a lot of historians are like, this all feels a little bit written. Like, it's too fantastical, but also, you know, were you there historians? Prove that it didn't happen.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. Yeah. Show me something you wrote a thousand years ago that said it didn't happen. Yeah.

Ben. Bet you can't. Burn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Make like three pigeons and three doves. And burn.

No. No, and burn things below you. Burn the village. Yes. Full of living people and also probably other animals. Yeah. Oh, no. So it seems this weaponising of birds finally signalled the end of Olga's bloody revenge tour.

Oh, so she was actually out of her system now. Yeah, she's got it. She's done. Sherman writes, Olga's handling of the rebels, known as Olga's vengeance. constitutes one of the most colourful episodes in Eastern Slavic history. Wow. As I mentioned before, it's unclear how much of this story is accurate and what's been exaggerated.

Rodriguez and Macrobby writes the story echoes several Viking myths, which seem particularly fascinated with the gory revenge of angry widows. Fuck yeah. Other sources do corroborate parts of the story, though, specifically Igor's grizzly murder and the equally gruesome military retribution that followed. So some part, you know, this stuff did. She did exist. She was the ruler and her husband died and she probably fucked some shit up.

We just don't know exactly what and whatever. But anyway, the story is, like you say, it's Shakespearean, Game of Thronesian. What's that guy's name? J.K. Roel. No. J.K. Rowling. Yeah, that guy. J.J.

Abrams. No, let's misgender J.K. Rowling. They'll love that. What is that guy's name? J.K. Robert Galbraith. Robert. Robert. Galbraith. Something like that.

You think of George R.R.R. Martin. Yes. I knew it was a double initial. Love it. They love their double initials. Lord of the Rings is another double initial go. Oh, who cares? All these fucking men write in all their big long story. They're too long.

They're too long. Grow up. Boys, learn to edit. I think. Brevity lads. I've just had a flashback. You, you, someone got really annoyed with you when you're on at one point. I mean, one comment.

What do they say? And you know they stick with me. They said something about how they're like, how you were, you were saying that it was, it was a woman who likes that sort of stuff. And you'd said it was for boys. And they're like, it's not just for boys. Oh, you know, I'd wager that I was just making a little joke. That's what I as sure.

I'm a comedy podcast, Michelle, there's no place for that. As a comedian, sometimes you say things just as a little joke. Michelle, let me just try to get in their voice. Jokes are meant to be funny. Thank you, thank you so much. No, fair enough, that is fair enough. No, and I'm sorry, I upset you. Shut up.

Oh, they've stopped listening, I think, yeah. Yeah, I think that was that was end of it. That was it? I lost you a listener. Yeah. Oh, we've lost a few more today, you know. It's just how you go. Thanks for having me on continuously, even though the number,

I drive the numbers into the ground. Others will never end, you know? That's true. You're like a prisoner trying to escape, and in your pockets are our listeners, and you're just like scattering them. Yeah, yeah. Just trying to put it in a terms that you could understand.

Yeah. Shoshank redemptioned it for you. I've never seen that. That's for boys. This is another one Michelle, I've actually seen and thoroughly enjoyed short-hand redemption And I haven't, I'm a girl No, you haven't

I'm a girl No, that's a lie Rodriguez Macrobby writes After exacting her revenge She acted as region for a son With efficiency and strength for at least two decades She has a toddler The toddler's like, you did what on my behalf?

Yeah, she has a toddler She went out on a fucking killing spree I like to think he was in a baby Bjorn Me too! All time. He's a yelling, onward! He's got a little dagger.

He's a little dagger. Waving it around. Oh, that's cute. Set him on fire! He was responsible for a few deaths. He was very proud of him, yeah. Yeah, when they're all drunk, he's like, now, now can I, mum?

Yeah, she's like, all right. Crawling around, stabbing people in the head. Good boy. Three-year-olds can walk? I just want to, I just want to. Oh, can they? Oh, advanced. Can they walk?

Just very advanced, child. Okay. I'm still learning. I don't know anything about children. Yeah, those sort of ages, you're like, could be five, could be one. They all look the same. I'm starting to get to the point where 18-year-olds could be 10 or 25. Yeah, I can't tell.

I can't tell. I have no idea. They all look so little. Yeah. What old are you? He's old. I'm really old. He's his oldest a wind.

I'm really, really old. So that, yeah. Yeah, okay. But then there'll be like a 20-s. year old, I'm like, they could be anywhere from 25 to 50, you know, I'm like, I'm bad with ages. It's like, you're a tiny child or you're middle age old or you're like nearly dead. I like, I don't think, I won't see a 27 year old and go, they could be 70. No, but they could be 40.

They could be 40. Yeah. Well, yeah. Am I okay? And with skin care these days, it is hard to tell. It's hard to tell. And there's things you can get. There's procedures.

Yeah. What? I'm listening It makes it harder to tell And I feel tricked The amount of times in the past few months That Michelle Brosea has brought up Chris Jenner's facelift

It's starting to concern me That Michelle's going to end up with the Chris Jenna facelift Is it really good Is Chris Jenna the mum or the daughter It just comes up a lot I gotta get it done Yeah you'll be the phone of wondering It's the mum

It's crazy She looks absurd Yeah That's the mom Are you looking at it right now Wow she looks like her daughter She looks Is that not the daughter?

She looks 35 That's like if I said This is my twin sister Yeah Yes yes yes Look at that Dave That's not Christiana I know what Christianna looks like

And that's not her face She's asked them to make it look more like She looks like that woman on the left And what is she 50, 60? How old is she? She'd be in her 60s surely That was what she was looking like Potentially

And she looked fine Yeah Yeah she looks good She was beautiful them. Christina, let's get an age check on Christiana. I reckon she looks fucking great.

I said Lindsay Lohan. Her kids are in their photos. She might be 70. They look so good. Every single one of that family is older than me, and every single one of them looks 10 to 50 years younger than me. I saw her TikTok of an Irish comic. She was talking about how great it is all these.

I think she was actually talking about Christina, but I didn't understand at the time. I think it's fantastic all these that were figured out menopause. We know exactly. We know exactly like medical science to figure these things out. Now we can start using it to do to make people look way younger. I think that's great. It was a very funny bit. How old was she?

69. Nice. That is a nice age. But she doesn't want to look 69 though. No. Well, no, she just wants to change what 69 looks like. She looks 40. It's fucking crazy. That's it.

Did you hear him? That was amazing. Oh, I missed it. She wants to change what 69 looks like. Isn't that powerful? That's really powerful. That's so powerful. All what will cost you is $3 or $400,000.

Easy. And, you know, quite a lot of pain. Maybe a little bit of loss of feeling. Let me see. Facelift cost. It's a one bedroom apartment in Preston. A room at $174,000 US dollars. Yep, so yeah.

It's like putting a one bedroom apartment in Preston on your face. Yeah. And that sounds fantastic. Wow. I think it's fantastic. Should we get a go fund? That's what all of us. The witch of the east did that, didn't she?

What am I going to do with a one-bedroom apartment in Preston, you know? I'm not going to do anything with that. Yeah. What am I going to do with my face? I use that every day. I use that every day. Your face is you in a lot of ways. Oh my God.

Whoa. Yeah. It's true. Anyway, we're getting close to the end here. Sorry, we got derailed there, but it was worth it. How did we get to that? Oh, I can't remember. Me either.

Oh, three-year-olds can walk. Yeah. Oh. That's how we got there. That's so true. So back to Rodriguez Macrobby. So she led with efficiency and strength for at least a couple of decades. She was the first Kevian ruler to introduce the 69.

The dogs just exploded again, I reckon. Oh, I see. I'm like, I haven't eaten beef in a long time, but I'm now smelling the beef. It's kangaroo. Oh. Oh, la la. Oh, my gosh. You can't tell when you haven't eaten a long time.

No, I can't tell. It's all the same to me. It's all the same. But over here as a meat. No, he's just got over here, yep. As a meat eater, I'm going, that's definitely kangaroo. I know, man. I didn't realize he's at my feet.

That's why I'm getting the first wave. Yes. Hey, matey. Hey, let it out, buddy. If not here, where, you know what I mean? Outside, probably. Outside, ideally, a bathroom. Different.

That's a world would be great. She was also the first Kievan ruler to introduce the minting of coins for currency, and she made administrative innovations that resulted in a more unified nation with embassies and ambassadors across Europe and the Mediterranean. Now, Jess, you sort of guessed at this earlier. One of the innovations she made was to have trading posts staffed by royal officials to collect a standard and agreed upon tax spread around the realm. and this was as opposed to her husband's strategy of traveling personally

and asking for random amounts at random times until he pissed them off so much that they killed him. She went, she's like, I'm going to try a different thing. Let's make this more efficient. More efficient and also, if you do get pissed off, I won't be there for you to take instant revenge on. Yeah, that's beautiful. Her reforms continued when she converted to Christianity.

Rodriguez McRobbie writes, she was the first of her dynasty to convert to Eastern Orthodox Christianity, which opened up new commercial and diplomatic possibilities with Christian Byzantine, Moravian, and Bulgarian neighbours. Sherman rights, according to the story is told in the Chronicles in 1954 or 1955, the Byzantine Emperor Constantine the 7th Porphyrogenidas, was so struck by her beauty and intellect that he quote remarked that she was worthy to reign with him in his city. I praise indeed.

Hey, you're not bad for Sheila. You're so hot, you could rule with me. So Constantine wanted to marry her, but as Rodriguez Macrobby writes, Olga wanted only to trade with Byzantium, not give Constantine an excuse to rule Kyivian Rus. So she pointed out that marriage would be impossible because she wasn't Christian. Oh, I love... Oh, that sucks, but yeah, you can't...

Bummer. Otherwise, oh, totally, yeah. Constantine suggested a simple solution. He's like, why don't you get baptized? And she was like, oh, no. But she said, oh, I will, on one condition, you've got to be the godfather, you've got to be the one who's there

and you brings me in personally. And that's what happened. And Sherman writes, the baptism was officiated by the official head of the church and the emperor served as Olga's godfather. The church head praised her because she, quote, loved the light and quit the darkness. That's really beautiful. So I think a lot of this book is kind of Christian propaganda.

Oh. They're like, she was so murderous when she was a pagan. But then she was Christian and she was like, whoa. Zoe. Soie. Soie. Sherman continues following the christening, the emperor reminded Olga. of his marriage proposal.

I said, oh, remember that? You said the only reason you couldn't was that you were Christian. And Olga responded, oh, yeah, but you can't marry me because you just baptised me and you called me your daughter. You were my godfather. Oh, my God. That's unlawful. She is incredible.

She's like, you must know that yourself. Come on. And the emperor exclaimed, Olga, you have outwitted me. Whoa. Hey, he got me there. That is good. That is good.

I see you know your Christianity world. She returned to Kiev with a blessing from the Patriot, the head of the church, and rich gifts from the emperor including gold, silk, silver and various vases. Rodriguez McRobbie calls this another legendary example of her cunning. Again, there's doubts about the timing of this. Some of the Byzantine histories suggest she was already christening. when she got there, but let's not want to get. Yeah, she doesn't get bogged down.

Despite her newfound religion, she was unable to convince her son to convert as well. Her conversion made her a religious minority in her own country, but she is now seen as the grandmother of the church in Russia and Ukraine, as after her time, things started rolling that way. I think her grandson went Christian and, you know, it became more and more popular. As Paul writes, she laid crucial groundwork for the future Christianization of

Rousse. Olga is recognised as one of the first converts among the ruling elite. I think there were like amongst the plebs, the average Joes. There was also already some Christianity. But yeah, her contributions were seen as instrumental in setting the stage for the eventual widespread acceptance of Christianity in the region. And for this, she went on to be canonized as a saint. She's now known as Saint Olga.

But she killed so many people. And that was a miracle. In like insanely brutal and creative and like messed up ways. But no, that was that was her as a pagan. As a Christian, she was pure and good. She was chill. As soon as she converted, she stopped killing people in perfect ways. I love that.

Wow. And her, I mean, this isn't relevant when this comes out, but her feast day is tomorrow at the time of recording. Whoa. Is it? And she is honoured as a saint, quote, equal to the apostles. I praise indeed. Wow. Linda.

They're the big ones. Yes. They're those big rocks, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Yeah. And there's less of them by the year. The peninsula. Yeah, that's right.

Rodriguez Macrobby writes, later church biographers would claim that, quote, although she was a woman in body, she possessed a man's courage. Fuck off. Bestowing the compliment, in inverted commas, that she was as radiant among infidels like a pearl in the dung. What? What? You know when you drop your pearl in a pile of shit? Yeah, and you go, wow, that's her.

No, I don't know. That's my lady. A pearl and a pile of shit. Rodriguez McRobbie is saying, like, she's pointing out that that is a bit, a bit old school. Yeah. It's crazy because, like, she's a chick, right? Yeah.

But she's actually, like, fucking brave, dude. For, like, a chick. For a chick. Like, if I was a guy, like, if I was here, I would have killed six hours of them. Yeah, but, like, for a girl. For a chick. Yeah, pretty good. The fuck up.

The final thing I'll say is Paul talking about more writings from the primary chronicle, which says she is called the wisest of women and is further praised because, quote, she shone like the moon at night and she was radiant. Oh no, I already fucking said that bit. The pearl and shit one? The pearl and shit again. That's worth repeating because that's beautiful and that's how everyone wants to be described. You should sing it.

It's slightly more extended. She shone like the moon at night. And she was radiant among the infidels like a pearl in the Maya. Whereas the chronicler recognized her sanctity and grand prince Vladimir had her body reinterred in a church in the early 11th century. Leave bodies alone. Oh, by the way, she died in 9-6-9. Oh, my God. Whoa, put it to us.

What the fuck, man. You've got to it. I just spent so long investing in her. I thought you were about to bring her in. Bring her in. And she's here right now. And she's looking for her husband. Welcome bad.

Next up on 10. A dating show. So she's no, yeah, 969 and she died. So if she was born when they think she was, she might have lived. 969. But, yeah, she was at Woodstock. I think she died of her no date. That's awesome.

But she, yeah, so potentially lived to 79, but really no one has any idea when she was born. That's very old for back then. It's old for now, but. This last thing that Paul says, and I really only bring it up because it's a great name, but this isn't really super relevant to anything. But she was the third russ saint to be venerated by the Orthodox Church after her great grandsons, Boris and Gleb. Boris and Gleb

Boris and Gleb Boris and Gleb Because Boris was already good Yeah And then Glebb I thought you were going to say Glenn But somehow it's even

So who wants to be Boris And who's Gleb in the group chat I feel like I'm more of a I'm more of a Boris Do you really feel that Oh I'm my Gleb? I'd love to be a Gleb I thought that would be arrogant

to say I was Well I'll let you fight amongst yourselves But it's definitely It's definitely going to be Boris and Gleb And I'm currently Snappy little fecker That's true They got some

So the reason Boris and Gleb beat her To Sainthood Because they were marted In 1015 Not Boris and Gleb The same year Same year I guess

Together? Maybe at the same time Maybe yeah Were they kissing? I don't know Okay Yeah well let's say It doesn't say

They were kissing Boris and Glebs I just want to check Is Gleb 1B 1B for Gleb Gleb But, um, so yeah, that's, that's my report on the, and you can see why so many people suggested it as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What an amazing story. Wow. Uh, yeah. Cool. The breakdown in the vote, like, the reason why this won the vote, like, handsomely.

So this is on Patreon, people will vote for our topics and, you know, decide what we're going to talk about. And yeah, they, they won in a bit of a landslide. And I think it, I think the birds. thing because people were like, I've got to find out why, how did she kill with birds? Yeah, yeah, that's a big question. So what was it? Sulfur dioxide, did you say? Yeah, sulfur cloth dipped in sulfur.

Does anyone understand about it? I was looking into it. I'm like, it doesn't seem like sulfur will ignore it itself. So there must have been some friction as well. I assume that they set it on fire and then let them go and then just threw them in the air. Oh, I think the idea was that the sulfur would, would, scratch on the straw and that would combust but I couldn't figure it out. It's a component of black gunpowder matches and fireworks. Yeah I'll say that's matches. Because I think if they're on fire,

I don't think they're flying too far. But maybe it's that like, okay, you've now spread these little very flammable things all around. So you start a couple of fires and it spreads really quickly. It would be my thinking. So this was the pitch from one of the topic suggests. Badass woman from history goes on a vengeful murderous spree of the people who murdered her husband, including a genius move using birds, outwits multiple men who want her to remarry and later becomes canonises the saint. I would have heard it for that as well. Yeah, I think they voted really well there.

Sulfur dust suspended in air ignites easily. Static electricity, something like that. There you go. There you go. Bit of fun. Really scary. Before we wrap up there, Michelle. Yes.

Another opportunity, please, to tell people about where they can see you. I'm coming to Edinburgh Fringe and I'm doing my show. It's a shame we won't be friends next year at the Gilder Balloon. I'm also every weekend doing comedians auditioning for musicals with Chloe Pets, which is four Saturdays or three Saturdays, I don't know. And it's funny because when you announced that the show was called It's a Shame We Won't Be Friends next year. Like I've commented on a couple of posts being like, I hope this isn't about me. And you've just always sort of like, ha-ha reacted.

And I just like, I just want to quickly double-check. A double check that that is not in relation to our friendship. It's not about us. Okay. We will be friends next year. Okay. And then we'll discuss after that. And Michelle, maybe I could be upgraded to that next year.

So maybe if there's a spot going from one of your currents. Oh, one new one now. Yeah, we'll see. Well, this is, okay, so it's called this because a little boy in year six said to me, it's a shame we won't be friends next year. And I said, we're going on at the same high school. And he said, yeah, but I don't think people are going to like you in high school. And I was like, oh, okay.

And so I've tracked him down to ask him what he meant. Oh my God, you tracked him down and you've got a bird. You got a bit of socks. I got a bird. I got some soapbox. I got it 3,000 of his best men. I put him in a ditch. I got a very big pig and a one woman show out of it.

Who's popular now? Say it. Say I'm popular. Say I'm likable. I'm also going to be in Edinburgh on the 4th of September a little bit later. But in the meantime, I'm going to be in Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide, Newcast. Russell Hobart and then Cambridge, Birmingham, Manchester, Swansea, London. Huge.

Tickets on sale. Ideally, by this stage, I'll have them on the Dugoan website, but Dave, you got a team how to do that. Yeah, but just go to Matsuocharacter,com. Yeah, that's probably easy. Yeah, they're definitely there. They're definitely there now already. They could also be on the Dugamon website, yes.

That's beautiful. It is so beautiful. Can you leave me a present there? And then I'll come and find it. I will leave you a treasure to hunt for in Edinburgh and in London. That's fun. Awesome. I'm also doing book launch.

in Edinburgh. You can buy my book in the, in the United Kingdom. Can everyone buy a book online right now? In, when from August, I think. Or maybe you can get it now. And remind everyone from what the title is. So they can Google the right thing. The title of my book is called My Brothers Ashes are in a sandwich bag.

It is. It'll be August next week. Fuck. Yeah. That's crazy. Where did the year go? Where did the year go? That is wild, isn't it?

Oh. But we hope you have the best. best time. I hope I have the best time too. And if I don't have a good time, well, that is down to you. Yeah. Oh, not us. Not us. Not you guys. No, I would never blame you guys. That's not fair. You got your stuff going on. We're busy. My dog keeps fighting. I'm very busy. Yeah. All right. Well, I've got to go call the guy who hit my car and reassure him and I don't have his number plate embedded in my car. Um, yeah. Good. Thanks, Michelle. A good day to you all. That sounds like fun. Yes, it is.

Well, that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show. As we say goodbye to Michelle, we say hello to our great supporters. And if you want to be one of these great supporters, you can sign up at patreon.com slash do go on pod. And you get all sorts of stuff. All salts of stuff. All sorts of stuff. You get involved in a community. Also, not a colder community.

We're not charming enough to be cult leaders. But there's, you know, you've got four bonus episodes. a month, you've got an ad-free feed, you've got the Facebook group, which is, you know, just what is described as the nicest corner of the internet. And actually, one of our great supporters in there, also known as the group's mum, maybe self-titled, I'm not sure, Sophie Tudor, and she sets up these swaps. Do you know about this? Yeah.

Absolutely. that they've done a magnet swap. Snack swap. Snack swap. So if I'm all around the world, she'll team you up with someone. You live in Canada. She'll team up with someone from New Zealand and he sent each other one of these things. And I got teamed up.

So I entered this, the last couple. I did the t-shirt swap and I've now done the hat swap. Oh, my God. What's that crinkle? I've accepted delivery here. This has come all the way from Pennsylvania, I think. Wow. Oh, Baker's Field.

Maybe it's in Pennsylvania. No, read the whole address. Amazon.com services. Yeah, so it's probably, anyway. There's a Bakersfield in California. Okay. Yeah, so I think this was probably ordered online, but I'm pretty sure the man. Oh, my God.

Ooh. What's your gut? That's a D&D die. D&D die. Oh, wow. D&D and D. The third D is for die. Holy shit.

But it's Saints' colours, which I like. Well done. This is from Jason Wersner. And I, funnily enough, I sent him a Saints Beanie. Oh. That hat is an absolute beauty. Look at that. Yeah, put it on.

Come on. Do you reckon I could get away with it? Look at this hack-o. He knows his size straight away. Putting it on. Oh, fits like a glove. Like a glove. Yeah.

I throw the occasional 12-sider. 12? No, I can see at least 16 on there. Six, yeah. 20, D20 they call them. Yeah, the D20, yeah, familiar with it. Matt. I'll try it a few around.

Yeah. But embarrassingly, I only sent one hat, and Jason has sent, I believe, two hats. Wow. Wow. That's a very flat hat. This could be something else. Oh, no, it's another hat. Wow.

Oh, you're a little Ziploc baggie. That's cute. That's compact. You get a free baggie. Double hat. Double hat. What does he think? I've got a really ugly top of my head.

head. Yes. You're going to have to double hat that. Yeah. Okay. What are we got? That's a nice one. This is Philadelphia.

It's a black sort of worn in look. I like it. Yeah, I like that. Can I have that one? Yeah. Good work. Yes. Jess, you're wearing a hat today.

We're very hot positive pod. Because I mean, these are, Philadelphia is kind of like an on opposition team to my 49ers. So it would be a trickier hat to wear. Although my cousin likes them as well. But you, because I've got two. No, no, no, I don't want your hat. So it says Philadelphia established 1933. Yeah, I like it.

So it's an Eagles hat. I'm assuming it's an Eagles hat. I'm assuming the city's older than that. There is an American football on it. Oh, and you think that's a clue? Just if that was, if that was going to help you at all. Yeah, I reckon it could. Wow.

Holy shit, how about that? How exciting. So, yeah, you can get involved in these kind of beautiful exchanges. Cultural exchanges are I say. dare I say. Dare I say. So hats are being swapped all around the world right now. And inside the Facebook group, you've seen a few of them pop up.

Jason's posted a photo of my beanie, which is actually a member exclusive beanie. Only you have to be one of the 50-odd thousand Saints members to be able to access it. So the Saints knew that you gave it to someone who's not a member. Would you have your member torn up, membership torn up? Yeah, please don't tell them. I think that could be bad news for me. That stays in this room. That stays in this room.

And whatever room people are listening to you in. Stay in your room. Yes. Stay in your room. But yeah, they're just, I mean, this is a bit of fun. Yeah, it's great. How fun is that? So nice. Great idea.

Is it gross to say that we've created a community here? I don't think we have created a community. I think community has formed around the joint interest of our podcast. It's evolved. It's something that we didn't imagine would happen. Yeah, I don't think. We've not actively done this. So I won't take credit for it.

I feel like I've actively done it. You've actively done it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Matt's single handler. He's pledged to go out for a beer with every single single. listener of this podcast around the world. Is that correct? Yeah, if they want to. Yeah. No, I don't have to, but I'm happy to if they want to. Um, I remember when I suggested we made a Facebook group and you two are like, that sounds like no one would want to do that.

And it turns, do you remember that? You're like, that sounds like something who would want to be in that? And that sounds that they would do. It's beautiful. I can't believe I was so negative. I'm so sorry. You were like, you're, you're, you're telling her F off. Yeah, that does sound like me. Yeah, that does sound like me. You said if you don't get out of this. room right now, I'm going to kick you out the window. Oh, yeah, no, that does sound like that. Yeah, and you left the room, which is wise, because I've got a hell of a roundhouse. Sweet tin music, that's what was coming for you.

Yeah, yeah. In the form of roundhouse, that's how high I'd get my roundhouse. Yeah. I've got to jump on a trampoline. Wow. Well, those little ones are a full-size one? Oh, I take a little one where I go. But if you're standing next to a full-size one, I'll use that instead of the small one.

Yeah, that's fair. So that's just one of the elements, the beautiful community, the group there. but also on other levels you get shoutouts and other such things. And also you get to vote on the topics for instance. That's right. People voted for this topic. You get to hear about live shows before everyone else and also get discounted tickets. And let me tell you that we are cooking up a little something for the back half 2025.

Exciting. It's cooking. And I've got a tour on sale for Australia in the UK. And that was first announced to the patrons. they've got a discount code. Yeah, that's right. You sign up to the Patreon and you're wanting to come to one of my shows. It basically pays for its first.

You're saving money. The first month is, you know, you're being paid. That's right. Basically. Yeah, wrought the system. Wrought the system that wroughts you. But, yeah, another thing that you can be involved in is, yeah, these shoutouts, including if you're on the Sydney-Shaunberg level or above,

you get to be involved in the Fat Quota Question section, which actually I think has a jingle goes, something like this. Fact quote or question. Ding dong. He always remembers the ding. She always remembers the song. That was beautiful. If you're in the Sydney-Sharmberg level or on it,

you get to give us a fact-quot or question or a brag or a suggestion or really whatever you like. I'm going to read out three of them this week. First one comes from Tessa Chillcott. You also get to give yourself a title. And Tessa's title is supervisor of naps and snacks. One appreciates by my daughter more, one appreciated by my daughter more than the other. I wonder which. Personally, if Jess and I were two halves of your daughter, I'd be the nap loving one.

You'd be the snack loving one. Correct. But you also don't mind a nap. Is that fair to say? I do enjoy a nap. I'm not a napper. Right. But I love a nap.

I would like to be somebody who could nap, but I can't typically nap. If I'm going and having a nap, I'm like, oh, I'd be. sick. Oh, right. If you're asleep during the day, you like... It's kind of one of the signs of, oh, I'm unwell. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, that might be true for me too. Yeah, possibly. But it's just I'm permanently unwell. Yeah. Aren't we all? So, Tess is offering a question, writing, offering and probably even asking a question. Firstly, thank you for the podcast. It's definitely helped me recently for the laughs are needed.

Secondly, sorry, Dave, about the project ending. What a short-sighted decision by Network 10. any chance you'd know who took over the Instagram account because they're doing good work. Oh yes, the Instagram, so the project, for the people who are overseas, it's a long-running entertainment slash news show that I worked on for many, many years.

First is an ass prod. That's a full prod. And then the last few years just part-time as the audience warm-up. So you get the live audience in, you get them pumped up. And I was doing that a couple nights a week, so it is a very, very sad news for myself.

But mostly... Would you describe yourself as L. Clapitana? El Clapitano, that's right. That's a line on this stand-up special that's coming out very, very soon. And, yes, but a lot of good people that worked on the show, because more people than you think work on any TV show. Yeah, absolutely. So this one was a daily show.

So there's like about 100 people out of work. So I very much feel sorry for that. And the state of media in Australia. It's just harder and harder for people to get jobs working in the industry that they love. So I feel bad about that. But that's right because AI is filling those roles. But that's one good thing. We love artificial intelligence.

But the project... We will be usurped by artificial intelligence. Yeah. Sooner than we think. Yes. And I think it's going to be... But the project Instagram and social media pages live on, and that's not AI. I do know the person behind that.

So you can follow those. For the moment, at least they're covering interesting and quirky news stories. So you can check that out. That's like just whoever someone has ownership of the project brand gets to keep the... Yeah, keep it going in one form or another. Yeah. I like that. And there's some often funny descriptions of stuff.

Oh my goodness. Hey, well, the thing is the project does news differently. Yeah. And I think it's been replaced with a show that does news the same. Yeah, but for longer. Yeah, okay. Oh, that's different. Yeah, but longer.

Great. Tess, anyway, Tess has got a question. Don't worry. We got another hour. Tess's question, I've been struggling with anxiety recently. especially with the state of the world, the US, Israel, Gaza, Ukraine, Russia, bigotry, discrimination against all minorities. I could go on, but I feel hyperventilating approaching.

I just want the world to be a better place for my daughter. I feel like I'm powerless. How do you calm down and avoid the negative noise? Again, you're all amazed balls. Thank you for laughs. I obviously need it. Now I need a nap. And a snack.

I like the use of the word amaze balls. I think I know exactly your age. Not a range, an exact number? Yeah, I think maybe to the month. Wow. You don't deal on it. It's like a star time. Your birthday is.

Yeah. Oh, man. I mean, yeah, all of those things are weighing on all of us at all times. I don't know how to escape it because if you fully remove yourself, then, like, yeah, I struggle with, like, I don't want to read about that. But then if I'm just ignoring it, what's happening? I don't know. It's, it's a nightmare. The world is on fire.

It's an absolute nightmare. And it's even harder to remove yourself, obviously, if you're living in one of these places, one of these conflict zones and you cannot get away. I listen to, so every day I listen to the BBC World Service podcast, which is where they, new stories from. around the world. And I love that because I stay informed, often hearing about even more conflicts that I'd never even heard of going on in Central Africa and stuff like that. But it's good to be informed, I agree. But then afterwards, I often feel a bit stressed about it, even though they will often put in like one lighter news story, often towards the end. Oh, yeah. They're like, oh, they trained, oh, God, I was going to say AI. No, there's some sort of cute animal

story or something. Like, you know, people have grouped together to help save these ducks crossing a road or something like, oh, that's beautiful. But even then that's not enough. So I'll put on a lovely comedy podcast and then go for a walk. That's my sort of a relax, breathe out sort of thing. Yeah. Things that my mum calls brain in a bucket activities where like you're kind of doing something a little bit mindlessly. Yeah. So like, yeah, video games or yeah, exercise walking, all the kind of the usual stuff for any kind of general anxiety or general mental health. But at the moment it feels particularly hard to like get on top of it because it's fuck. I've been really enjoying Amy Poehler's podcast as well,

Goodhanks, because it's sort of, the whole intention of it is just to be a bit of light in a pretty dark world. She gets a great guest, she's very funny. And that's been very nice to sort of just go, ha ha ha ha ha, this is nice and not think about stuff for a little bit. You just have to give yourself breaks. But you're right, you can't fully switch off from it. But sometimes you want to.

That's what they want you to do. That's how they get away with stuff. I know. But then, oh. Yeah, it's a lot. Um, yes. And Matt, obviously, um, just jerks off. I told you that in confidence.

Yeah, but I really got Dave. He didn't tell me that in confidence because I would have laughed in your face. It was a cry for help to do. I don't know what to do. I just keep jerking off. It's the only time I can stop thinking about all the awful stuff. I just have to jerk it. Oh yeah, okay.

Fair enough, Matt. Thanks for sharing that with me, I guess. So for 38 seconds a day, I feel great. Dave, don't tell us yourself, mate. All right, I exaggerate. You take that long. Man, you've got to build up the efficiency there, mate. Come on, mate, we don't have all day.

Come on, mate. Bada bama, boom, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's hard. Just something that takes your mind off it. Yeah. Something that puts a little bit of positive vibes out there. But sometimes you sort of also feel like, Am I just ignoring things?

I'm just trying to be light and... No, but you can't be in the darkness all the time. That's right. Tessa, you're doing great work. I think you're amaze balls. You're amaze balls, Tessa. Have not heard that word in so long. So by Amaze balls, do you think Tessa is Dave in my age, younger or older?

A little bit older than you too. Yeah, I agree. Let us know, Tessa. Yeah, let us know. It's spot on this maths radar. Yeah. Because I personally would not say amaze balls. Yes.

But, you know, it might be the kind of thing that's coming back around. That's true, yeah. Oh, right. Tessa might be like 17 doing a retro thing. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think so. I don't.

That's really funny. That would make her a very young mum. Like, I guess, you know, it's possible. That is possible. That is possible. So, Tessa, if you are young mum, I'm certainly not. Just spiraling. Yeah, that's what I do.

The state of the world at the moment is that everything makes you spiral. Thank you so much for reaching out, Tessa, and keep supervising those naps and snacks. Next one comes from Caitlin Everhart, aka resident Gen Zia of the DoGoan Network. Yes, the entire network. No other Gen Zias allowed unless they're cool. Gen Zers, depending on where Caitlin's from, I suppose. Writing, hi y'all, reckon it's Gen Z. is. Because a y'all?

Because of y'all. Although I do a bit of yawlin. I think it's good. It's a nice... I love y'all, but I don't think Australians can pull it off. Yeah, because ours is ewes, which doesn't sound as good. Yeah. What are you used up to? I don't mind like... But in, yeah, I don't know. No, y'all is cute. I enjoyed y'all when I was in the States. Yeah, I think y'all's great.

But it doesn't sound good coming out of us. Anyway, hey y'all. Hey, y'all. Okay, jump a ride in. I've been a member for a whole year now And submitted one of these when I first joined But I never heard it on the pod So I figured it's been long enough To toss another one into the ring Anyway, two things, if allowed, number one

Did my first fat quote a question Ever get mentioned And I just totally missed it? I'm going to have to look into that I'll read these without rating them So when they're maybe discussing the second one I'll check that out Yep.

Number two, a brag slash question combo. I recently started my own podcast. Whoa. Plus platform called Caitlin's column. Totally different vibe from Dool Go On. So, Dave, no need to sweat. I know the competition is fierce out there. Why just Dave?

That's why. I'm the paranoid one. Just because of the accent, can we please have Caitlin. What was your podcast called again? Caitlin's column. Column. Column. Wasn't it it was a corner or a column.

Thank you. Caitlin's column. Love it. It's a mix of facts and digital diary style ramblings from a very chatty 20-something year old. Topics range from fashion of human rights. Some past episode topics have been the history of the Met Gala, which would be a great dukeling topic, I think. Gala. Thank you very much.

And whether or not it and the other award shows should still be present in society. to the more hard-hitting topics like the recent refugee and immigration crisis here in the U.S. Maybe less suitable do-go on topic. But I'm not opposed. Anyway, any advice for someone just getting off the ground with their podcast and platform? I've binged all the non-patri-on apps over the last year, and I had to join the club. I would love any advice from y'all. Since you've been at the podcast thing for a bit now, you started when I was in middle school,

and I'm now applying to get my master's degree. Wow. Oh, wow. That's... P.S. When U.S. tour happens, must go to the Texas State Fair for the most insane food. Google. Google!

Is that a food? Kayla, is that your sign off? Google. Wow. Just the visual there of... Because sometimes it's kind of crazy to think, like, think back to when we started the podcast and, you know, was living in a different place and, you know, our lives have changed and then to think, well, it's actually been such a long time that people have finished school and college and

that's because of my age, my life hasn't really changed that much because I'm already, I was already old. Boring. Sorry, old. I mean, you know, in your early years, yes, 10 years is a huge amount of time. We were 25. Yeah. Wow. Because I was like, to me, this is, you know, it's not even one percentage of my life 10 years. So it's a blip. But I can see to you two where it's like, you know, almost a third. It's probably about a third.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's a big chunk. Way more than half of our adult life too. Whoa. Whoa. Isn't that so weird? Whoa.

So I've looked it up, it looks like, and I'm, you know, I've been wrong in the past, but it looks like Caitlin that you had a question read out on episode 469. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Well, you said, hi, y'all. I'm from Texas.

So we say y'all. Oh, there you go. Oh, that rings a bell. That rings a bell. And we probably raved about y'all then, too. Yeah. Because I did go to Texas. Vodka Cranes and tequila sodas, my sorority years.

Want to go got a exo. Anyways, love the podcast. And I've been listening for over a year now. I've put many of my friends on it as well. Please come to Dallas or Austin. I'll understand. Stay weird out there. Stay weird.

Four season. That was Alexander the Great for those wanting to look that up. So, but Caitlin's question was like a podcast advice, right? We got really sidetracked by that. Oh, sorry. Yes, yes, yes. Geez, we usually say stuff like people seem to like it when you commit to a regular schedule, whether it's every week and then you do it forever.

Obviously, that's harder depending on what kind of type of show you do. You have to research or you have to. to do certain things or do it seasonally. You tell people, hey, we're coming up for a new season and this is the end of the season. That's definitely my new advice, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you sound something, you go, I'm doing it, it's a 10-week season and then you can... Do as many seasons as you like, but it does allow you to have a break if you need to.

Have a bit of a break. It probably depends on the kind of person. Some people probably know that a break is not a good idea because I'll never go back again. Yeah, maybe you have to say, we'll be back on this date and then you need that accountability, but you figure that out for yourself. And that way you can, yeah, you can release it weekly or you go, no, I want to do it regularly and I'm going to do it monthly, first Monday of the month, every month. So you go, I'm going to do 12 episodes a year.

Yep. But I think, yeah, some sort of consistency and plan rather than just going, I've thought I'm going to chuck one up, but also, you know, that's fine too. Yeah. And honestly, just be yourself. that I think where where AI

because AI podcasts probably already exist AI radio already exists like podcasts will be replaced by AI soon but what I think what I would like to think

will happen is that I think people actually like feeling connected to other people right so like be yourself and there'll be feedback with people you won't be for everybody but as long as you're doing

what feels right for you and you can take feedback in you can take feedback and you can make adjustments but if it's if you're steering yourself too far away from what at the core you want to do then it's not for you anymore yeah it kind of doesn't make sense to yeah change yourself too much be yourself and let even though i still regret us not taking Marcel blanche to wilt's advice earlier on that we should really cut down on the dog shit rich yeah if i could go back in time honestly i think we'd be a really big podcast if we did do that. But look, this is great.

This is, this is fine. This is fine. We could, we could have been like influencing elections big. That's what I'm thinking. Yes. If we cut down on the dog shit riffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, unfortunately, we're not influencing shit.

No, we can't cut down on the dog shit riffs. I feel like if we were big enough, we could fix the world. But that's a lot of pressure. And yeah, and is it worth the payment of cutting down on dog shit rifts? And that's the thing. AI podcast will stick to the point. And that's where we'll differ. Someone was saying to me recently, they're like,

we're not far away from entertainment having to be labelled as organic. Yeah. As opposed to AI. This is real people. This is organic talking. This is an organic article. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm like, that's true. Because people are going to start when I don't want to, I want to read something that's a human's made. Yeah. Amazing. But yeah, it would be interesting to see if that happens. But yeah, I think that's all good advice. But yeah, make sure it's, I think when you're starting out, you make sure you, it's not going to become too much of a heavy workload because at the start,

you've got all the enthusiasm and whatever. You've got to picture yourself in a few months' time when you're in the run of it and you're like, oh, you just have to keep doing it. not have to, but you want it to be the point where you're like, yeah, I'm not going, fuck, I don't want to be doing this this week. You've got to start it out imagining, oh, it's a tough week, you're busy, and you're still going to be able to do it. So don't make it too much work editing and preparing all those sort of things, I'd say.

Especially early, because you're probably studying, working, it's a thing that's happening on the side and you still have to live your life. Yeah, this is the centre of our lives now. That's right. This is the number one thing. We have nothing else. We're tethered together forever. Contractually, nothing else.

Just brought her dog in today. Yeah. Proving that Goose is number two. Goose is number two. There were two options today. We could have done the podcast of the vets. Yep. Or the dog could have come here.

That's right. And that's when we found out we're number one. I'm sorry, he has to be monitored. So he's coming with me. Yeah. The vet said absolutely not and told us to get out. And I started packing up the microphone. Oh, okay.

And at this point, his allergic reaction hasn't come back. So he could go home. Great. So I'll send him off. All right, mate, go home. Go home, see you there. You got your key? Call him a cab.

You take my dog home, thank you. But yeah, thanks so much, Caitlin. And I'm sorry I didn't realize you from Texas when I started that accent. I'm not sure what accent it was, to be honest. It was American-ish. Very deep, too. Yeah. I reckon I got the timber, right?

Yeah, that felt right. But yeah, I don't know if I got the district right, but it was fun to talk like that. Yeah, it was fun to listen to you talk like that. The last one this week comes from Logan Husky, okay, Harbinger. Harbinger, Harbinger, Harbinger, Harbinger of Doom or Cookies, depending on if Matt can say canals properly. Ooh, well, I think I can. So, cookies. Hooray!

Well, you don't say what cookies. I know, but I'm deciding it. That you said it, correct? I said it the way that. cookies come. All right. Logan writes. Have we had this before? Do you have a fact quote or question?

Logan's written game. Ooh. We've had a game, I think once or twice before. And every time we're like, more of those, please. Yeah, fun, okay. And I might have even been for Logan last time. Maybe. gotten about the gems that were the Mad magazine film parody, and it reminded me of Dave's

natural ability to come up with film parody titles of his own when he's, I think, they're all, they're porn parodies. The parody is always very specific, deeply sexual. Logan's left out a pretty key part of your skill. The parody is always, oh, like confronting. Yeah, it makes you say, David. You can't say those words. So how he got it down in 19 seconds. So it's with that in mind that a simple game for the three of you to play came to me. Guessing slash improving upon the Mad Magazine film parody. Oh, fun. Okay.

The concept is pretty simple. If you haven't worked out already, you're given the original title of the film and you have to try and guess what the Mad magazine parody version would be. I've already had a Who Newark question like this, actually. Oh, yeah, good one. And Logan actually, he writes some great Who New York questions. There was one, it was what was the Batman or the DC Comics parody in this certain Australian Mad magazine issue.

And it was so bad, but it was also so good. Okay, great. So I think I'm at an advantage now, unless you're on that episode, Dave. I think I know that, so I've either heard it. I think you were actually. The problem is I've been on it or I've heard it back because I listen as well, so I can't tell you. Do you listen to his podcast? Wow.

You support your friends. Patients are the same. Support their endeavors. I love who knew it. Book cheat, I can't get around. Fair enough. Because you love to read. It's very dry.

You're like, that's not for me. Spoiler. Spoiler. You should not. You've always said that. Normally, he says, I've read the book so you don't have to.

I say, Hadeo. I would like to read the book. I would have read the book. Cover, cover. And then cover the back and cover again. I've read it backwards. I love books backwards.

I've been forwards once more because I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. And now I understand what it means again. So yes, we've got to, we're going to either try and, guess it or come up with a better version of it. There are no wrong answers. Oh, this is a good game. So there are no losers as well.

We love that. We'll come up with our own scoring system. Thank you. Exactly. Except those who spend their free time looking through mad magazines and secondhand book shops. That's fun thing to do.

He's been a bit self-deprecating there, Dave. Let him do it. Oh, yeah, you're a loser for doing that logo. Dave, you know when you self-deprecate and the person you're talking, he says, no. Oh, hey! I'm always like, oh, you're beautiful.

You think I'm an ugly loser. The worst part is when you're doing it on stage as part of stand-up comedy and one person in the crowd goes, aw! Yeah. Whoa! I'm doing this for humour. Come on. I'm in control up here.

Fuck you. Get around. Get her out. Fuck you. It makes it a whole room think, geez, what a sad little man. And the whole room includes you on stage. At that point, nobody had thought that about you.

No, everyone had thought, Jesus. But anyway, Dave, that's what you've just done to Logan. Oh, sorry, Logan. No, I'm just saying. I'm putting up a mirror. and it's showing you your face, Dave, and it's ugly. Got him. Aw.

Get her out. And he says, Matt, have hopefully spaced the answers down the page far enough that you can't see them. I cannot. All right. First one from October of 1987, lethal weapon. Sorry. Are we going to get the parody title? No, no.

We're making it. That's the game. Oh, sorry. I thought the game was we get the parody title. We have to guess the movie and then come up with a different title. It's sort of that, you're close, it's that only, we get the actual title, we guess slash try and make up a better parody title. Oh, I mean, if it was porn, I'd call it penal weapon or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty good. But I think these mad magazines are kids magazines, and I think it'll be. Lethal peen one. Cuepean. What about, queful weapon? 87, I reckon that would be prime queful time. Okay, lethal weapon. Lethal weapon, what does he got there?

Methane. methane weapon. It's just, you know, a fart gun. Probably something like lethal Kevin or something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then it's just like, I don't know, who's a... A really sticky guy.

A really sticky guy. Like Kevin Costner or something. Yeah. But he stinks. But he smells. Smalley Kevin Costner. Let's call it that. Let's lethal apron, right?

And it's like an apron that's come to life that's on a murder spree. That's good. I'd watch the shit out of that. Yeah. And it's like, and the apron has a mullet like Mel Gibson in the movie. and he's anti-Semitic. Like Mel Gibson in real life. What about a fecal weapon?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's just like a big butt. He's back to porn ones, yeah. Yeah, okay. I've got one gear, mate. All right, we have with that, because I think we, I think that. Yeah, happy with that.

Correct answer was, legal reckon. How do they do it? Like W-R-E-C-K-I-N. Legal reckon. Ours were way better. And ours were awful. There's got to be like an image to make,

To pull that. Yeah. Yeah. And I think you said with a W. Like a wreck. Like a wreck. Like a wrecking. Legal reckon.

Legal reckon, yeah. God, that's bad. Well, I feel so much better about ours now. All right. December 91, Robin Hood,

Prince of Thieves. Prince of Pines. Yeah, penis hood. Penes Hood. Pineshood, Prince of Pien. Yeah. This is a four, they've got the four skin intact.

We don't need any other. We don't need any others. Robin Hood. Prince of. Robin. Hood. Oh. Raken Hood, Prince of Leaves.

Oh, that's good. Is that the actual one? Or is that yours? I'm trying to think like them now. Well, that's pretty good. I backed that. I back that, too. Let's see what the real one is.

I reckon he's 100% male. I reckon he's got that verbatim. Dave, I think this sounds more like a porn parody. Throbben hood. Oh, that's good. That's good. Prince of heaves. Ooh.

Heaves? Heaving. Heave? I don't like that. Like throwing something? They've just replaced words. There's no throw line there. The picture would help.

Yeah. Can I tell you that this is a time before AI? This is what it feels like. It does feel like uncanny valley. Throb and hood. That's funny. And then the next bit. Prince of heaves.

What are the prince of bees? It's just a man with. Prince of Beave. Prince of Beav is, yeah. Prince of Beav is, yeah, 100%. Throbbin Hood, Prince of Beave. Yeah, yeah. That's really good.

And that's like the period when the beaver was on. I think Beavis were out in, big beavers were out in the 90s, I think. Are the Beavs back? I don't know. I can't keep up with pubs. I can't keep up with pub fashion. That's a young woman's game. Don't you go on to GQ or some sort of.

Pinterest. And it tells you. tells you what you should do. And if you don't, you're disgusting. If you don't, you yuck and no man will ever look at you. On Pinterest, I've obviously got my beaver. My mood board. Yeah.

On MySpace, I've got my top eight beaves. Oh, pet, pet beves. Oh, that's good. Pet be, that could be the next one. But I just don't get their ones. No, well, this one, you should know, because you two love this movie. From November 98, Armageddon. Armageddon.

I'm getting some sex. Armageddon on my knees. Sam punani. Yeah, I'm a getting babe. I'm a getting Bave. It's going to be like, I'm a leg Ron or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty.

Armour, armoured. I'm going to go with I'm a legron. What about armor and head or something? Armour head in. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's pretty good. No, but no, they go you right. Armored.

It's, A dead frog or something like that. You're like, what the fuck does that mean? They've added a bracketed bit. Oh. So when we were doing the Armageddon out of here sort of thing. Yes. Do we say something like that?

Yeah, of course. Armageddon sex. It's Armagedding the hell out of here. No. That's what they... I'm a leg Ron is better. I'm a leg Ron. Yeah.

I'm a leg, comma, Ron. Oh, and then in the thing, it's like... I've been turned into a leg. There's a leg with a speech bubble talking to Ron. Casey, the old football broadcast. Yeah, yeah, I think that's right. I'm a leg, Ron. I'm a leg, Ron.

Holy caps, like a few exclamations about. They're panicking. I'm a leg, Ron. Turn me back to a human. I'm a leg. But it's like the Super Boot, Bernie Quinlan. The old footballer who's now, yeah. Bonus round.

Here we go. Can be cut for time. If Matt hasn't had his coffee. No, I've had my coffee. From May 95 Pulp Fiction. Let's fast round, speed round Popdiction Oh

Copdic, cop dick I don't know that Yeah Plot friction Um All right Should we start a magazine? I think yeah

Magazine's a big September 91 The Silence of the Lambs Silence of the Rams Silence of the Clams It's a bit sexual What about the non-silence of the clams

Obviously The Violence of the Hams Cut out That's probably the best one so far because visually you could have an image. Yes. Two pigs fighting. Yeah.

But like everything else, I can't even imagine what they've drawn for it. It's so bad. Well, once you see the pictures, go, oh. Oh, that's fun. Oh, that's good. That's good stuff. I think that's all good stuff. I can tell even without pictures.

Thank you so much, Logan, for sending them in. Those are great a bit of fun. That's a good fun, thank you. That was a fun game. I just want to say that our distaste for their puns was not directed at you at all. That was a fantastic game. Yeah, great idea. Our puns are way better.

I'm pretty confident Logan was aware that. some of those weren't fantastic. I just wanted to make sure that Logan wasn't like, oh, because no, no, no, the game was fantastic. Yes.

And if whatever's name, Alfred E. Newman is listening, we think you do great work too. Yeah. And wait, where shattered, you went out of, you shouldn't have gone out of business.

I don't care. I never read your magazine, but now that I see some of the work. Yeah. I sometimes borrow them from the library in the 90s. Really? Which was difficult to, you can do the fold in.

The back was always screwed up because it had the fold in. Yeah. I know that because, like, in The Simpsons, someone had a tattoo. With the tattoo, yeah, that's good.

And then also Homer did one once, and he mushed it all up wrong. The all-a-di-a-la or something like that. All right, next thing we do is shout out to a few of other great supporters. Jess, you normally come up with a game? What do you think in this week? I was thinking the ways they have brutally and creatively killed a bunch of people in the 900, so it's fine. Yeah, okay. So no mobile phones can be used.

No, I probably can. Okay. Time travel. Oh, wow. This is so, like, modern, these people are modern murderers going back in time. Yeah. That's your answer. Really changing, you know, potentially everything.

I'm just, I'm just, maybe fixing everything. I just want guns to be available. Okay. Are we just going one for one here? How are we going to do this? I think Jess. What if we go one word each? I think, okay.

I feel like Jess might be in the zone, though, Dave. Yeah, okay. Unless you'll feel. Gruss back on like. He's so freaking cute. So Dave, you have with that, Pop. Well, I'll come up with them. Yeah.

Yeah. Great. I'll clear the brain. All right, Dave, I'll do the place. You do the name. Okay. Does the kill ammo or whatever. From, what did I say the place?

Yes, please. From Cork in Ireland. Thank you. And hello to Nile O'Leary. So they, at the Blarnie Castle outside Cork, you can, you lie on your back and you like kiss the Blarnie stone. but they took away the safety grate so everybody falls through it and they've fallen through it to their death

and they've invited their enemies they said come, come, it's good luck gives you a gift of the gab if you kiss Sibbani Stone come give it a goat, dead! That's great. We just land on a part and there's a pole there's like a big stick underneath

so they all get impaled. All right and you guys go out. Now it's just like a cab. Cabab? What am I thinking of? Yeah, shish kebab? Shish kebab. And you got hope that like about 50 people have gone before you to sort of fill the hole in.

Look this fucking dead dog. See you. Goose has gotten limp there. Nile, that's diabolical. Well done. Next up from address unknown can only assume from deep within the fortress of the moles. Hello and thank you to Ashley Leg. I'm a leg!

I'm a leg! I'm a leg! Literally, her initial A-leg! I'm a leg, comma, Ron. Or they. That is funny stuff. Tickets to she looking at the email address. Invited people down into the fortress of the moles and said,

please come and have a look and then blew it up. made it have been crater. Whoa. Well, so even actually killed the other mole people. But moles can, they can borrow. Oh, they borrow even further. But if you're in there and you can't borrow it, if we were in there, we just die. You just did.

It's well done, actually. Now it's a crater. And Bob, if you're in there, and you know that was bad to have it, what would you do? Sort of shrug. I'd go. Ah. That should be quick. Ah, had a good run.

Also, from deep within the fortunes of the moles, I can only assume, they're too deep within the fortunes of the moles. Who said that? Right, and the next up, from the Forters of the Moles, we're going to assume there's a fortress of the Moles. Who does? It could be on holiday. Who knows, it's thank you two, Jay Peoples. Jay Peoples.

Oh, that is a nominative determinism. That is, I guess, Jay Person. Yeah, but that's a, that's a mole pretending to be a person. Yes. We appreciate it. Okay, Jay, J. Peoples used a bus, and they rigged a bomb to the bus, and the bomb can, the, the bus has to stay over 50 miles per hour. Whoa. Or the bomb will go off

And a police officer happens to get on the bus Really? And this is in the 1900s Yeah, 900s 900s 900s? And can I just ask Is the Californian freeway finished yet?

Or is there a small section coming out? Dave, that's funny that you ask that question Because no Oh my God Because that could be really hard to jump In fact, impossible So thank you to Jay Peoples Thank you Jay Peoples

You psycho killer Next up from Pierce in the Australian Capital Territory Thank you to Connor B. Connor B said, Hey, come have a look around Canberra. It's really beautiful and then you drive around the roundabout But when you turn left to the roundabout. No, you're going right around a roundabout and then there's a big hole and your car drops into it.

Oh, good one. The famous Canberra hole. You guys, oh, I'm going to fall. Oh, no, I've got them. Connor B, you are diabolical. It's quite a deep poll, so you probably did straight away. Well done. I mean, it feels weird to say well done to a murder, but.

That's clever. It's clever creative. Yeah, come on. Up front Briar in maybe Washington in the United States. Hello, thank you to Austin McPhile. Austin McPhiley. That sounds like, that's a Mad Magazine parody. I don't know what it's parodying, but Austin McPhilelyleeyer.

that's great. That's an Austin Powers parody, right? But it's just like, to really play our power like grabies. He's a bit leery, yeah. Austin lures people to come for a swim in his, he's got a really huge pool in the backyard. And it's huge. Yeah. And there's sharks in it.

Holy shit. And the sharks are hungry. That's like James Bond villain stuff, Austin. Well done. But the pool looks really beautiful. It's like an infinity pool. So people are like, oh my God, that's gorgeous. It's kind of a nice way to go.

Thank you so much. And then, shark. Whoa, shit. Yeah. Awesome. That is again diabolical. From New York City, New York. It's Dominic Giardino.

Dominic takes people to Times Square. Oh, great. Beautiful. And they go, oh, wow, the lights, such a sensory overload. It's packed with people and I'm frightened. And then they die of fright. Oh. Oh, wow.

Does he take people with, like, sort of weak hearts? and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah, okay. And he comes up behind them while they look at all the lights and that's a big gong and goes like, bang! A really big gong. Whoa. Wow. And that just tips them over the edge. Yeah, that's too much, Dominic. But what an experience going out, you know, in such an iconic location. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, beautiful. I don't think I'm good at this. You've just seen a billboard for keeping up with the Kardashians or something. That's what a way to go out. What a way to go. Uh, from Norristown, home of the Norrisers, I suppose, in Pennsylvania.

Yeah. It's Sean, spelled S-E-A-N. Sean, um, uh, he, he,

he gets people and he gives them this, uh, like serum that makes them grow lots of hair. And then he shears them. Oh. To death? And then they're Sean. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then. And then, yeah. And then, yeah. Because if you go to, if you see it too much, like, you know, you just like, like, gone to the skin.

Yeah. It's like, that's a bit graphic. Sean? That's full on, mate. You should see someone. And from Aldinger Beach in South Australia. Karen Street. From Aldinger Beach.

Karen puts really big human-sized condoms over people and they suffocate. Whoa. There was a... Aldinger. Oh, wow. I think it was maybe like a naked gun movie or something where they got in full-body condoms to practice. Safe sex.

That's good. Does that ring a bell? Yes, it does. It does feel very naked gun. As in very good stuff. Very good stuff. And finally, from tapping in Western Australia. Thank you to Claire Armstrong.

Takes them to the moon and kicks them out of the, under the lure of it being like a tourist thing, like, oh, yeah, I'll take it to the moon. You have a look at it and then kicks them out without a space suit on. What? Oh, no. So no, I can hear them scream. And they just explode. Oh, no.

Yeah. They're tapping on the window outside of the spaceship. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Hey, hey, you've accidentally closed the door on me. I don't have a lot of time. Come on you can't hear this. Yeah. And then they explode.

In space, can you hear tapping? Hmm. You can hear tapping anywhere. Oh, okay. Do you reckon? Yeah. It's annoying. Oh, it's so great.

Stop it. I came here to get away from that. Cut it out. Thank you so much to Claire, Karen, Sean. Dominic, Austin, Connor, Jay, Ashley and Nile, and the last thing we need to do is welcome in someone into the Trip Ditch Club. Just one inductee this week, Dave. What is the Tripditch Club? This is our clubhouse for people that have been supporting this show for three consecutive years. We gave them a shout out a year or two ago. And to say, thank you for sticking with us.

We have an honour roll here where we induct people add their name to the wall and they come on in, go under a velvet robe, and inside this theater of the mind sort of clubhouse has music and entertainment and food and drink, which Jess is in charge of cocktails and food? Well, it's crazy that we were talking about this earlier because I have actually dug a ditch and I threw a bunch of pigs in there. What? I'm just cooking them up. I'm so excited for this.

You don't eat meat and neither do I, so I don't know how to cook it. No, I think inside this world, I eat meat in there. Do we? Can I? Well, I think this is, because I like meat in there? Because that's the thing is I just don't like it. Yeah. I guess you make it in a way you might like it.

Oh. I like it in there. That's exciting. Yeah, and the pigs like you eating. It's like that Simpsons thing where the pig says, Oh my best bit's in the rum pool. Yeah. Okay, well, that's nice then.

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to try some of this pig I've cooked up. I've just, I've just remembered, remember before I said Jason Woosner sent the hats. It's Wessner. I feel like maybe you did say Wessner. Well, then I'd, but. I maintain that it's still worse. Let's cover it yourself just in case and give Jason the credit that Jason deserves.

Yes. Thank you, Jason. I feel like maybe you said that, but I could be wrong. Do you reckon I'm nervous that, you know, when people get arse, or name the band's first albums or whatever when they were in a T-shirt? Ah, yeah, yeah. It feels like D&D, people out in the wild are going to be like cornering me going, oh, so you throw dice, do you?

you wear that when we record our D&D campaigns? Oh, that's a good call. Yeah, it's hard to. Because inside there, then, you know, you guys aren't going to question me. And if you do, I'll go, Adam, what are the first four albums of the Demi-Gong? Exactly. Adam will know. Yeah.

So, yeah, it could just, and then it's kind of nice because you definitely get wear out of it. It's a good quality hat. It's got special, you know, you go, ooh, we're doing D&D today. I've got to get my D&D hat. And if we ever do a live episode, I could wear it there. Cute. Should we do a live window? I've never thought about that.

Never thought about it. Never thought about it. It could be fun. Yeah. People do them sometimes. We do tend to record for three plus hours. Yeah. We'd have to try and make it snappy.

Yeah, we do. Like a standalone, small adventure. But we tend to like, yeah, you go, oh, it's a small adventure, but we're like, what's in that shop? Let's go in there for a bit. Yeah. I think it's on us to. Maybe we could get the audience to be like, all right, whenever we're being bogged down in a place we shouldn't be, you know, the more. If enough of you yell out, move on.

Yes. We will. Yeah. That could be brutal of the whole. whole room, yeah, move on. Or we let one,

you know, one, the nerdiest looking person in the audience. We go, all right, do you probably know. They got their own mic.

And we give them a little card that just says, move on. Wow. Yeah, a card. So they don't have to yell at us. And they'll be in the front row,

so no one or no. So it won't be a big deal and we'll just look down and go. Yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we won't make a big deal of that at all. We wouldn't go. Oh, I'm getting the sign. Oh, Oh, I'm being told to move on now. Clarence is fed up with this riff, is he?

Classic clarion. Fuck you. Fuck you. No, fuck you. Now, fuck you. Now, I always book a band for the Triptitch Club, and he's never going to believe it. What? When Matt said the setting of this episode.

Yes. My jaw hit the floor. Do you remember the start of this? I saw that. And I thought, how odd? That floor's not very clean. No one helped me. I've booked in Ukraine's most famous and successful band, the rock band.

the rock band, and I've got the AI over here, Okayan Elsa! Whoa! They're coming in, can you believe it? So you're saying, we do not know any Ukrainian bands. Is that right? I assumed that they would have a big band, you know, like a household name band. Big country. Maybe like a solo singer, perhaps, like a Eurovision entrant or something that you might know,

but I've obviously haven't Googled famous Ukrainian bands. I've booked these people. six months ago. So it's amazing that they're, I believe they are going to do some, some world tour shows soon. So they're performing live for us as a warm-up gig. Okai and Elsa, which translates as Elsie's Ocean. Hmm. Do you know any of these names, Jess? Jamala, Monatic, Okian Elsie, Ruslana. No. We did you just name the band that I'm having to perform. One of those was. Okie and Elsie. Um, had either of you heard, I'd never heard of, um, the, the, the state that we talked about today, uh, Kievan Rus.

Had you heard of that? No, I hadn't know. Yeah, it's really, I'm like, bloody hell, there's a lot of history out there. God, that's actually, we do focus a little heavily on the last, what, 100 odd years. Hmm. We can have a look back every now and then. Every now and then. Yeah.

I don't want to do it too much. Feels too nerdy if you go too far back. Okay. Yeah. You know, we're a history podcast. You know, when we had Michelle here, didn't you feel like such a big dork talking about? We got a cool person in and they're like... Michelle's one of my best friends.

Yeah, I know. I feel like a fucking loser every day. But just to, yeah, to see her look at you like that was really rough. Yeah. She's really trying to like make me cooler, but gosh, she's got her work kind of for her. I know. I think it's impossible, but she's too kind to give up. I mean, case and point, you're two best friends of me and Dave.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, that was pretty cool. That's almost confirmation. I know. She did not gag or anything. So we got one inductee this week to the Trip Ditch Club. If you hear your name, you'll hear me saying it on the door.

I'm lifting up the VOLObe. You run in. Dave's on the stage. He's hyping up the crowd, chanting your name with a bit of weak word play. Jess is going to hop up Dave. Are we ready? We are so ready. Please hang around for the musical stylings of Ocee.

I can't wait to hear what they've got to offer. All right. The inductee this week, please and thank you and make yourself welcome. Oh my God, from Hamilton in God's Country, Ohio. It's Jonathan Peelman. You make me feel, man. Will go. You cannot have anything to say about that.

That was perfection. I can't believe it. Thank you. Yeah. He's very good. That feels really good. Like, I just actually got a supercomputer to run a million different possibilities. Sorry, a billion.

Dropped a couple of zeros there. And it says that was the perfect dancer. Yeah. Wow. Well done. It's great to see a master at play. Thank you very much. Well, I mean, it's at work, but he makes it look like play.

Yeah. That's how easy he makes it look at it. Welcome in Jonathan Pillman. Please fall in a ditch. Is that what you drink was? Yeah. And enjoy the musical stylings of Ukraine's fine. honest. But that brings us to the end of the episode. Anything we need to tell people

Bob before we go? That if you want to suggest a topic, if there's something that you know about or have heard about or you see somewhere and you're like, that'd be fun for to go on, you can't suggest it. Anybody can. You don't have to be a Patreon or pay anything. There's a link in our show notes. And so you can do that. You can follow us on social media, do go on pod or do go on podcast on TikTok where I say it every week, but we're blowing up, baby. Every week we get more and more. More and more. Love.

Yeah, people are going, how are they so hot and so funny? Yeah, I think it's getting close to the point where we're overtaking porn is the most popular thing on the internet. Yeah, yeah. We're very close, though. Very close. A lot of it is mistakes because of my porn parrots. They're thinking they're getting something else. Yes, but once they're in.

Yeah, this is actually alright. They go, well, I mean, my pants are off, but maybe I'll put them back on and watch these comedy podcasts. I've got 19 seconds. So, yeah, we do that. love you and Dave. Hey, can I just say one quick thing?

No. And that is if you are free this Saturday, July 26, 2025, and if you have access to the internet, stop watching porn,

stop typing Dughorn porn. Or open a second tab. Yeah, or open a second tab. And go to YouTube so you can watch my special, my stand-up comedy special,

50 minutes of comedy and then also Matt Stewart's stand-up comedy special. Oh my God, what a 50 minutes of comedy? And you can watch this, what, anywhere in the world? Anywhere in the world.

That sounds unlikely. It would be true. Unless, I know you live somewhere where they block YouTube, I don't know, use a VPN. And you can watch. Say, say. Yeah. It's a, yeah, our shows that we recorded back to back here at Stupid Old Studios on the all new rebranded humdinger YouTube channel. And if you can't watch it, we're doing a premiere this Saturday, July 26, like I'm saying, if you can't watch it, if you're hearing this after that, it's up now and forever.

Watch it, enjoy. Unlike Dave, it's up for a... Yeah, for longer than 19 seconds. Oh, my God. I think it, my show, my, my show felt. Yeah, the things she's saying, I was just, it's a lot of the nine seconds. Yeah, well, I mean, I was doing the bit and you sort of got in there. I made it better.

I faded it out. Well, you said it almost word for word what I was. What you were saying, which was, it's not up there for a lot. Yeah, no, I guess. My brain had already locked it in and I'm like, pump in the brakes. But, you know, it's still like, you know, when you pump the brakes and you're already, you're in a semi-trailer and you, you're better to speak. I'm always in a semi-trailer.

You don't, like, stop instantly. Like, Dave doesn't just go flaccid in the flick of the suit. No, no, well, you can. I was like, a bit of a comeback. So, like, as soon as I'm pumping around, like, first thing. That's me, a, whir-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. We said, we've got to move the car in, like, 45, 50 minutes. we've got ages.

Well, we've probably all got fun. We've got to go. So thanks again for listening. We'll be back next week with another episode. I've got to get out of here. Until then, thank you so much and goodbye. Bye. Absurd.

You see we're having too much fun, buddy. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester. But this way you'll never miss out. And don't forget to. sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree. Very, very easy. It means we know to come to you

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