Do Go On - 539 - The Piddler on the Roof (and Other Tales of Criminal Mischief)

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

In this episode we hear about some of the silliest criminals of recent times, including the man known as the 'piddler on the roof'! Recorded live at the Fringe Bar in Wellington.This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 6:48 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Jess Writes A Rom-Com: https://shows.acast.com/jess-writes-a-rom-comOur awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://edition.cnn.com/2013/07/26/us/gun-robber-armed-with-bathttps://www.rnz.co.nz/news/national/582561/officers-pull-over-fake-undercover-police-car-in-northlandhttps://www.ajc.com/news/crime/man-arrested-after-dine-and-dash-theft-convicted-of-murder-in-dekalb/KMHCIR3MRNEJZOMAED5GAHUAYU/https://nypost.com/2023/06/15/man-left-phone-behind-after-dine-and-dash-then-arrested-for-murder/https://www.abc.net.au/news/2008-08-21/new-zealand-teen-admits-he-is-piddler-on-the-roof/483564https://www.chicagotribune.com/2008/03/26/robbery-suspect-who-left-his-number-shot-by-police/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8994548/Robber-hands-gun-to-cashier-by-mistake-during-robbery.htmlhttps://www.ladbible.com/entertainment/tv/just-waiting-for-mate-video-914640-20250205 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenjai Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Zoom to another episode of Doogawon. My name is Dave Warnockie.

Hello, Wellington. As always, I'm on stage here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart, everyone. The Windy City. Here we are. This is like the craft beer capital of the world. Is that right? Yeah, but most of you don't give a shit about that, do you? Although the place that I was so keen to cover,

I was so stoked that Garage Project was within a few hundred metres of our venue, but it's closing at 9 o'clock tonight. Do you guys not know how to party? Saturday night, come on. I'm hoping the BP will be open for a pie after this, though. Oh, yeah, Dave's had a few good pies here. What was it, Mrs. Max yesterday? Which is an Australian brand of pie.

At the airport? Yes. The man's fucker, he's obsessed. Honestly, three meals a day. It's weird traveling with him. He will have a... breakfast pie. Love a breakfast pie.

You wouldn't believe what he has for lunch. A breakfast pie, it's fun. It should be illegal. Everyone tells me I should go to Puckoo Pyes. Am I saying that right? I don't like how that began, but you really brought it home. That's insensitive, I apologize for that. Apologise for that.

On the open top bus in Auckland yesterday, I normally am very mature, but when they mentioned that something was called fucker papa, I, or perhaps Papa fucker, I had to bite my lip a little bit because we had a lot of...

Because he was so turned on. That's what I want to be. I want to fuck a Papa. And I'll tell you what, we were surrounded by a lot of them, probably more grandpuppers, but great nomads love an open bus tour. Oh, they love it. What do we do?

So now, Dave, do you want to start off the show again? No, give us a cheat if you've ever heard the podcast before. Excellent. Thank God. Now give us a cheer and don't be shy. We always ask this. Give us a cheer. Be loud, be proud.

If you've never heard, do go on in your life. It's you. Okay. Welcome. Thank you so much for being here. We're going to be really nice to you. Can I ask why are you here? Oh yeah.

Okay. You've been dragged. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I'd love the idea of someone just taking a chance. Huh. A podcast. We didn't check, but didn't the one of many people who interviewed you at customs?

Oh yeah, customs here you have to talk to eight separate people. Do you have that? Is it my look? I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't talk to anyone. Yeah, I cruised right through. It was like person, person, person. It's because I declared I'd been to a hobby farm.

And I looked at me like, why would you tell us that? Well, this is a 50 signs saying, have you been to a farm? Have you been to a farm? So I told him, yeah, I patted a pony. They didn't care. But then one of the, finally got to. two and a lady. I just wanted to tell someone about my weekend.

It was awesome. I loved the pony. You show pictures? Yeah, yeah. Look at it go. It's like a horse. I mean, little. I got to one lady and I had to declare that I'm here.

Can you believe it? I'm here for business. Oh, what are you doing? You said, oh, I'm a comedian. I'm doing a show at the classic comedy club tomorrow night. I'm doing a podcast. And she goes, really? I'm not doing anything tomorrow night.

What time is it? Lovely country. So I give her the details and we never checked in. Yeah, I want to believe she came. I think she was there. To the show. Yeah. And also just in general.

At some stage. So are you in tonight? Imagine she came to Wellington. No. So basically, for the people who haven't heard the show before, what we do is we take it in terms of report on a topic, which is often suggested to us by one of the listeners. We go away, do a bit of research, bring it back,

in the form of a high school level report. His font is so big. I've also zoomed in as well. Yeah. It is Matt's turn to do the report this week. Give it off for Matt Stewart, everyone. Thank you so much. See, but the thing is, like, if it's Dave's report,

they don't have to be prompted to cheer. I would say it was still muted after prompt. I couldn't agree more. And I say that knowing it would be the exact same for me. They just froth a Dave Warnocky report. But we always start with a question, Matt. Do you have a question to get us on the time? I will say that I do the best live show reports.

Anyway, so you also do the best questions, so. I can see the question because the font is huge. Do you know the answer? It's pretty. Does anyone know the answer from that? It seems like something that you might be asked at Customs, Dave. Have either of you committed a crime? No.

They did ask me that. And don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. I've killed before and I'll kill again No further questions Is that pony okay? Is that true? You haven't and you have killed? Yeah.

Okay. I said no further question. Okay, you did sir. He did so. Anyway, so my report really is more of an anthology of some of the sillier crimes that have happened over recent years. Let me begin. Is that the title of the report?

an anthology of some of the sillier crimes committed over the years. I've written, I've called it Matt's New Zealand Report. Catching. Working title. I reckon that'll get a lot of clicks on Spotify. It's mainly because I didn't know how to spell Aotaroa. Oh man, I'm really working on it. I swear to God it was worse than that recently.

It was, yeah. That is surprisingly an improvement, yeah. Can someone say it so I can... No, remember the trick we came up... I think we came out of, change in an Italian accent. Ateroro. Is that better?

Still missing a bit in the middle, but it, okay. Which bit? Altearoa. Altearoa. Altearoa. A bit better, I guess. New Zealand. All right.

I got a sarcastic, ooh, when I did it. So I don't know if that's better or worse, I'm sure. I mean, I think it was mainly because you were so dismissive of me just before. Yeah. You really had to nail it. And I didn't. And I didn't. No, you're right.

All right. The first story here, I don't know how many I've got. I reckon four or five or six. It's hard to count that high. Depending on how much time I've got. Anyway, this first story takes place on the afternoon of the 25th of July, 2013, in this beautiful part of the world known as Beaverton, Oregon. What a great name.

I'd love to live in Beaverton. Don't. A man entered a store at, I love the Americans address so good. 8118, Southwest Beaverton Highway. How do they come up with these sort of names? Beautiful. His intention was to rob the place. Huh.

Hey, see, I told you it was going to be about crime. He was armed with the baseball bat and a nine-inch knife. Pretty big. For a knife, that is pretty big. Yeah, pretty big for a knife. I know, I couldn't see anyone specify it. Like, it's, imagine it was like a butter knife or something. It's just like a really big.

Imagine if it's a nine inches wide. A chodeish knife? And how long? It's like a sideways knife. Do you guys, I've been to a few places to eat while I've been traveling around New Zealand. What a weird thing to need to say that bit. Anyway, I have noticed that you serve pizza by the first. foot here.

Although, you don't? No, you're doing that thing that people do on TikTok in that they go to one place and then go, this is this entire country. I've seen that in Australia. I've been to many places. The place around the corner does it. So fuck you. By the foot, I probably.

I saw it tonight with you. Yeah. And I taught, it's, don't fucking. I've been gaslit before. No, you haven't. But never by people like. Oh yeah. I got applause for gas lighting.

I don't feel good about that. No, I feel really good about it actually. It's going to say, but never by people I trusted. That's still the case. So he's in there with the baseball bat a nine-inch knife. After smashing a display case,

he grabbed hold of the merchandise who was after a semi-automatic handgun. That's right. The story was attempting to rob was discount gun sales, which, as you probably guessed, from the name, that sold guns at a discounted price. God bless America.

Unfortunately for him, the gun he just got hold of was unloaded. The same could not be said of the store manager's weapon. The manager, I imagine after going, what the fuck are you doing? Pulled out his gun and said, drop the baseball bat. Yeah. This guy brought a knife to a gun store.

Like 100%. He's an idiot. Yeah. Real silly stuff. I was a 22-year-old named Derek Mosley He dropped his weapons Got on the floor which he did When police arrived

They arrested him charging him with robbery theft Unlawful possession of a firearm Because he held it for a second Yeah, how annoying would that be Do you have a lawsuit for that? Oh shit, no But maybe my favourite I've never heard of this crime before

He was also charged with criminal mischief Which feels so apt Yeah You've been a bit cheeky mate Criminal mischief. Criminal mischief. That's cute. That feels like a Kiwi crime.

Yeah, adorable. Do you have that here? Along with your footlong fucking pizzas, I swear to go. The following February pleaded guilty to one count of each second degree theft and second degree criminal mischief. There are degrees of mischief. The judge is like, how funny was it? So he was sentenced to five years. of probation, he also had to pay to fix the case and get a mental health treatment.

Incidentally, the phrase never bring a knife to a gunfight, which just alluded to before, seems to have an unknown origin. People think it might have come from the Old West, but it really got popular after the 1987 film, The Untouchables, when Sean Connery's character, Jimmy Malone had a gangster, an Italian-American gangster breaking his house and get him with a knife. and Jimmy Malone. Have you seen this movie? It's so funny, I'm telling you a thing that you know.

Badly telling you about a thing. But anyway, Sean Connery turns around with a shotgun. And he says the thing that I think is racist in America, but I don't think it is here. Well, that's fine now. I only say that because in some of the transcripts of the movie, it doesn't say the word. It just has brackets.

I was trying to help you, but all right. It just has brackets, racial slur. which at first made me think it was one of the ones I wouldn't say. But as I am, 1-8 Swiss-Italian, I do feel comfortable with this one. So Connery turns around holding a shotgun, he says, isn't that just like a wop? Brings a knife to a gunfight. And if you heard the term wop?

Okay, it is racist here as well then. I'd not heard it. In Australia, we have one that ends in G instead. Yeah, a slight different. And that's been absolutely reclaimed by my community. So it does sound, it does sound like, yeah, based on that, it really did get popular.

Funnily enough, moments later, if you haven't seen the film, block your ears, I guess. Malone, Sean Connery, is shot to death. Boy, a gangster with a Tommy gun. Isn't that just like a Scott? Brings a shotgun to a machine gun, It's something that I thought of before. Coincidentally, this is crazy, because I read an article today, preseason in the AFL, which is the Australian Football League.

It's an Australian football. Do you have that here? Well, you know what? The St. Kilda Football Club played in the first ever game for points outside of Australia, and that was in Wellington in 2013, which is the last time I was in this beautiful city. But anyway, the current coach, Ross Lyon, used the gunfight idiom this week, amongst a bunch of other great cliches, I think, talking about how the team expects to improve in 2026, Jay Clark for Code Sports Rights. For the past few years, the clubs say they have fought with one arm behind its back. Like, he merges so many different things that I think make him sound very smart together, saying, we've been taking a knife to a gun fight. we have we have we have to go backwards to go forwards but there has been a lot of dirt shifted

and a lot of it has grown organically so we're looking to go from boys to men and be in the fight it's just throwing everything in yeah anyway he's flustered it's really flustered reading all that got me so pumped for the year i think we're going for a big one which incidentally is the this year is the 50 year anniversary of the saints won and only bFL afl premonishment in 1966. So maybe 50 years later do we do it again. I got a good feeling about it. That's the end of the first story.

Sorry, sorry, Matt. It's not 50 years. I was sorry, I was doing the New Zealand Australian dollar conversion. It's 50 New Zealand years, 60 Australian years. We usually 60 years. Is that all?

Counting is very difficult when you cross centuries like that. I do appreciate you. pulling me up on that now rather than letting a Twitter decide. A platform I've not been on for a while. And I believe it's not even called that anymore. Don't worry, the mean tweets are still waiting there fully when you get back on there. All right, this next one actually takes place a lot more recently and a lot more locally. Specifically on Thursday, the 18th of December, 2025 in Northland, here in Altearoa.

You know, what's insane is I spelt it out fanatically based on my own thoughts on how it should be pronounced? What was I thinking? I didn't look at it out. I literally wrote, Our Teia, Roa. But that's not right. It's closer than Italian.

Okay. Wait. Why did someone awall? No, no, no. They're very nice here. Oh, okay. They're probably... empathy to me. Yeah, they care for you. I do not deserve your care.

Anyway, so this happens outside the, oh no, Kawakawa Police Station, where a convoy of police cars were there getting, you know, ready to move off, a bunch of cop cars in a row, nothing strange. But what was odd was when an unmarked police car, not familiar to the other officers president, joined the convoy. So of a sudden another cop car joins in. Was it a car from another district? That's what the other cops were. So it's an unmarked car? It's just a car. No, I mean, it's got the, it's got the, you know, the flashing lights and everything. It's got set up with the speaker.

That feels fairly marked, doesn't it? Anyway, no, just need to visualize it. I'm really sorry about her attitude. So, I did it. They didn't like that. I took her aside earlier and I said, all right, Bob, as famous, we've got to be more positive, okay? We got to show that we're not, you know, bitches. And she is not done what I've asked.

You can't even look at her. Well, that's normal. So anyway, they're like, who, who's this guy? So I do a quick search of the number plate, which revealed the truth. It wasn't a police car at all. Despite the Commodore's police style flashing red and blue lights concealed in the grill,

the car was actually just a modified civilian car. Furthermore, the plate check revealed the vehicle's owner was disqualified from driving. The real police properly pulled him over But did they have to go around like a conga line To pull him out of the back Yeah and then what followed I assume Was a very patient and polite search of the car

At least if you believe what you see On Kiwi copaganda shows like police 107 and motorway patrol There's no way they act like that When the cameras aren't rolling No way The car's owner of a 30-year-old mechanic named Aaron Unle luckily had a whole heap of illegal things stashed in the car. Senior Sergeant Clem Armstrong later told the media.

During the search, we located a loaded firearm underneath the driver's seat as well as a 3D printed gun, a stash of ammunition and meth amphetamine, saying it was quite the unexpected find. A 3D printed meth, that's pretty good. So, yeah, it's still quite a fresh case. A man was actually due to face court this week. I couldn't find out how that went. He was charged with impersonating police, possession of meth, unlawful possession of a sawn off shotgun,

unlawful possession of ammunition, unlawful possession of a prohibited firearm magazine. I assume that means ammunition not... A naughty firearm magazine. Not dog and gun monthly. Dog and gun monthly. Yeah, but I actually said monthly, but anyway, I don't think anyone noticed. No, it's fine. I was also charged with driving while disqualified, and he was.

He wasn't, but I'd like to think a bit of criminal mischief. Seemingly, you would have got away with all this, at least for a little while longer, if he didn't make his car look like a cop car and join a police convoy. Did he explain himself? There's no explanation. He may as well have just driven himself to the police station and walked in and be like, hello, I've got a bunch of illegal shit in the car. Do you want to come to see?

We want to have a look. Yeah. Yeah, I reckon a real modern case of vicarous flying too close to the sun. Yes, yes. That's the end of the second one. All right. This third one occurs in 2023 in Cobb County, Georgia in the United States of America. He says Cop County.

Cobb. Oh, okay. Imagine. If you're criminally just avoid going there. So a group of friends enjoyed a meal at the juicy crab there in Cobb County. Running up a tab of $100, American dollars, which is even more than our ones. Our ones. After dining, they dashed out with paying the bill.

Classic dine and dash. Unfortunately for the group, a juicy crab employee, was able to get a photo of the group's car and number plate. And in their haste, one of the group members unfortunately left their phone behind. So they made a couple of blunders. Yeah, a couple of whoopsies. Making things even easier for the cops,

the owner of the phone used a selfie for his lock screen. Lock screen. So they'd find the phone. It's like, oh, yeah, that's the guy who just was here moments ago. So the selfie allowed the... Changing my lock screen. The selfie allowed the culprit to be quickly identified as one Brian Garfield Fort, who unfortunately was also wanted for murder.

So he was on the run. Yeah. And he thought, I'm not going to lie low. He's not silly enough if you're going to get done for the dine and dash. But if you're also wanted for one of the bigger crimes. Keep a low profile in terms of other crimes. Yeah. Yeah, he's just like, I want to.

some crab. In this non-coastal state. I want some crab and I want it juicy. So now that they had the car's number plates, they ran it through the system and it pinged literally a couple hours later and they found and arrested him in nearby Brookhaven. According to the Atlanta Journal Constitution, a newspaper over there, Fort was later found guilty of felony murder, aggravated assault, possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony.

He was sentenced to life in prison plus five years without the possibility of parole and he might have got away with it too. If only he could have controlled his juicy crab cravings. Or just paid for his meal. It's not what he chose to eat. It's the he chose not to pay.

That's true. That makes a lot of sense. That is the end of the third. Jess, I was about to get an applause. So sorry. I was going to get better get us an applause for nothing. You were about to ask for an applause. No, no, no.

not in so many words. Yeah. Well, maybe I should just do that. Applaws. Don't waste it. And that was the end of the third story. All right. So we've either got one, two or three more to go.

I'm scrolling, hanging on, yeah, that feels about right. Anyway, here's... When did you write this report, by the way? Recently. I was halfway through a report, and it started getting too grim for a live show. Yeah, okay. So I'll put that one in the back pocket for a studio episode. I mean, that means you'll still hear it.

No, that's what, I think that's what you were saying. No, just get rid of it altogether. Delete it. I hate grim. Well, they can't tell you. Because then they'll hear. I'll tell you. If you ask me later, I can tell you.

Will you tell me? No, no, you two are the only people that will not tell. Aw. I don't trust you. Just like we're the only two people you won't tell that you. love. I love you both. So, I tell you that so often.

Yeah. Yeah. It's actually a bit much. Yeah. You hear it so much, it doesn't mean it. Yeah. He's like leaving the room and he says it. And you're like, okay.

Yeah. Love you too. I've overcorrected. So this one's a quickie from, again, from New Zealand. Napier in particular from 2008. Before I get on to that, a little bit about Napier. I was so keen to visit. I'm not going to get the chance.

chance to, but it's also known as the Art Deco capital of the world. Do you know this day? Oh yes, and I have a festival there. That's right. And according to their very own website, this is how it came about, following a massive earthquake, 7.9 on the Richter's go, if you don't mind. On the morning of Tuesday, 3rd of Feb, 1931, fires destroyed most of the commercial heart of Napier. The city was rebuilt in the style of that era, era, and by the end of the decade, Napier was the newest city on the globe. Nowhere else can you see such a variety of buildings in the styles of the 1930s, stripped classical, Spanish mission, and above all, Art Deco. The style of the 20th century.

Napier's Art Deco is unique, though, with Maori motifs. No. No. Fuck. Marty. Marty. Marty motifs. And the buildings of Lewis Hay, admirer of the great Frank Lloyd Wright.

It's so funny that one of your architects on your, like, the local website is like, yeah, he's good. He admired a real famous one. Can you just say his name? But if you don't know him, he admired one that you've heard of. The style we now call Art Deco originated in Europe, and its heyday was from 1920 and 1940. Art Deco expressed all the vigor and optimism of the roaring 20s

and the idealism and escapism of the grim 30s. So Napier is known as the Art Deco capital of the world, but also, as you're about to hear, it's also known as the home. of the piddler on the roof, which is pretty much the only reason I'm telling the story. So I've burnt the... I probably should have held that back.

Anyway, here's the story. If I was a piss man, so security cameras caught a man urinating into a parking machine on the second floor of a council parking meter. He probably didn't look up and see there were cameras all around him. police released the statement saying

it pays up in the air in a big arc so it goes into the coin slot and out the hole where people collect their tickets it's actually really impressive yeah because the piss into standing vertical

to piss into that's really and what we're punishing this man what the hell this piss genius we have so much to learn so yeah this is when the police dubbed the man the piddler on the roof

because it was on our The cops said that. Yeah, the cops. They're going to make their day fun too where they can. Do any of you remember this? It's a little while ago now, but apparently went pretty viral at the time, photos and videos circulating online,

circulating online. Circulated on long. Which meant that the culprit was soon found a man named Saran Mallet, an 18-year-old chef. He admitted to being the Piddler and was another, it's like the Batman villain.

Yeah. That must have been done somewhere. Also, like a chef mallet, nominative determinism. Oh. Because they, I mean, how'd you cook? Tenor-a-meat with the mallet. Sorry, I was still thinking of piss. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Sorry. So, yeah, he was ordered to pay 164 New Zealand dollars to the council. Is that all? Sorry. The ABC, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, reported in August of 2008. I've only just picked this up that it might be a light slur against your people here.

A sheepish mallet was flanked by his parents. I don't know. Almost definitely they did that on purpose. Anyway, a sheepish mallet was flanked by his parents when he arrived at the Napier District Court to plead guilty to causing intentional damage. He told reporters outside the court he'd been out drinking with friends saying, quote,

I couldn't stand properly. This is so much more impressive. Yeah. He can't stand properly and he's got that kind of accuracy and arc. Oh my God. He should be on your money. I couldn't stand properly. I wasn't aware of what I was doing.

Mallet said, who claimed he had only offended once despite a council report that the machine had been doused in urine at least five times. Serial piddler. Or a copycat piddler. He probably won't like hearing me talk about this publicly because he said outside the court, I don't want to be known forever as the piddler on the roof.

Please stop saying that. But he also said, this is so funny, he said, I'd like to say I'm sorry, but who hasn't pissed in public? Like he said, I'd like to, but I won't. I'm not apologising. We've all done it. Mate, this is a really unique crime.

Who here? The monsters. Your honor! Can you honestly say, Your Honor, you've never pissed outside in public? So that's the end of the fourth story. This one also occurred in 2008. Just a really great time for silly crime. According to the Chicago Tribune, the incident started about 8 a.m.

When a masked man, armed with a revolver, came into the Valesquez Mufflers for Less. Sorry. What's it called? Valesquez Mufflers for Less. It's a muffler shop. Right, and he came into that muffler shop. That is hard to do. That is how you've got to really line it up.

Get the arc exactly right. Dribbled out the corn slot. Not quite as much flow, but... I might go. You got something to do? You're going to go or you're going to come? All right. Look, I know it.

I shouldn't have. I knew as soon as I said it. You don't need that feedback. I tell you what, I've regretted half the things I've said literally every second word on average. It's been a mistake. So, yeah, I mean, first of all, this is a masked armed robber. In a muffler shop. A discount muffler shop.

Yeah. He can't even get top shelf mufflers. So he goes in demanding money. employees told him that they didn't have much and the only money they did have was in a safe but the only one who could open the safe was the boss who wasn't there so the armed robber

left two phone numbers for them to call and I just give you my cell and I'm not answering him this is my wife saying when the boss gets back in you better call me and he said you guys

you guys better call me otherwise I'm going to come back and shoot you oh okay this is what Jose Cedar a 37 year old worker at the shop recounted later instead one of the other employees did not do as he said

and called the cops officers dressed in plain clothes came to the shop and told employees to call the man the man telling him that yeah the boss is in you can come and rob us now Yeah, we're ready. The man returned about noon wearing the same mask in black clothing

and officers told the employees to get to the back of the shop. Then a police source said the man pulled his gun from his hooded sweatshirt and at least, I mean, this whole, this is a very grim paragraph. This is the cop source telling us this. So this is the best case version of what happened. A police source said that the man pulled a gun from his hooded sweatshirt and at least one officer opened fire, wounding him in the leg. He didn't.

He recovered really quickly, but that is pretty fucked. Like the police's PR's going, well, at least one of us opened fire. And he was definitely pulling a weapon. Was he? So the man was revealed to be just 18 years old, Ruben Zarardi. And yeah, he was arrested and did a little time. So that one doesn't end super happy. But man, someone quite adorable about a robber who leaves a phone.

Oh, I'm sorry, I've come at a bad time. Okay, well, what do we do? What do we do? Look, I'll leave you my number. If I was that worker, I'd be like, yeah, sure, no worries. And just a name. Just an email? Yeah, just an address in case we can't reach you on the phone. And your height, if you can just stand.

If I could just get a quick picture of you. Yeah, I've got a guy is great at sketching. If we could Why don't take a photo? Now you're being stupid In this scene we're playing out All right that's the end of the fifth Fourth.

I think number five Let's head up to London Town for this one I believe this is the penultimate now This one occurred in 2012 In Cheapside London Where a thief entered the Halifax Bank Already I'm like, yes.

Yeah. Bank, but it's in cheap side. Yeah, okay, that's true. So better than a muffler shop? Yes. You'd expect them to have money in this one? Yeah, well, you'd hope, yeah. But you're right, cheap side.

Anyway, he was armed with a gun, also doing better than an earlier fella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he came in, gun in one hand, an empty bag for the cash in other. He was well prepared, thought it out. He went in, demanded 700,000 pounds in cash, which is even more than the American ones, I think. We're going up and up. Wow. But the Telegraph reported,

after making his demands, the crook, who was wearing shades and a flat cap, so British. He handed over the bag and said, fill this up with 700,000,

but then instantly realized he handed over the gun and still held onto the bag. If you could just fill this up with 700,000. But also, does it not remind you of how at every single live show

Matt will inevitably talk into the beer instead of the microphone? It's the same. kind of mine. And every time with that power, he'll say, oh, that's the first time that's happened. Yeah. But is a bank going to have $700,000? Because sometimes I've gone into A&Z a couple of times to get coins and they're like, we don't have that. Oh, yeah, they don't have 700,000 coins. Yeah, I know. They're not going to have it in coins. But also, he's asked for 700,000 pounds. What if they're like,

we've got way more than that. Yeah. Yeah. Is that all? That's all I need. But he was like, my gun can only hold so much. I mean, back. Oh, fuck. So if you were the teller, I would be like, I don't know what to do. Yeah, but apparently the teller froze for a second. Like, what's going on? Do I hand it back? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no, we all do that. Mondays, am I right? He was, like, flustered slightly longer than the crook. So the crook was able to get away. He stole a bank worker's bike and peddled off. A reward. So he left empty-handed. But even though a reward was...

Sorry, was the bike worth 700,000 pounds? At least. Reward was put up for... Yeah, I guess I said empty-handed, but he was fully footed. Hey, you've got to have a swing. And sometimes you miss. So a reward would put up for information leading to his arrest. And a police source said, quote,

This man is not the sharpest tool in the box. But as far as I could tell, he was never caught. So obviously not too silly. Never dined and dashed at a crab house. And that is the end of the penultimate and maybe sixth or fifth. Sixth story of a... As it turns out, there are so many of these.

So many that they've stopped clapping. All right, so we're going to finish. This one will be the most well-known one. I think a lot of you, or at least some of you, would be aware of it. We're going back over the ditch, or the Dutch, as you say, to our hometown of Melbourne, Australia. I've heard of it.

Australia's own copaganda show, Highway Patrol, and an incident that became iconic online for a brief amount of time around 2012, 2013. The story goes like this. After 10pm, Senior Constable Ash Bowden is driving around the Melbourne suburb of Karam Downs searching for a car that had reportedly been doing donuts and burnouts. Soon after, a call came through,

reporting a similar card crashed near the coal supermarket car park. There he finds the man sitting in the car, and this is all caught on camera. I thought, I've shared this with you, this script. Oh, yeah. Do you want to, now one of you needs to play the cop, and the other one, I got, maybe it's not revealed straight away, but maybe a guy who's a little inebriated in the car. I don't know who would feel more comfortable. Who's got bigger cop energy, do you reckon, out of these two?

Jess. All right, Jess is the cop, Dave. Honestly, that is such a compliment. All right. So I'm playing man? Jess's cop, your man. Oh, God. So the options were cop or man?

And you couldn't figure out who you're. You have a drama degree. I've never been referred to as man in my life. You really just wanted to see him. Can we change it to cop and little boy? Is that a boy? Where is the boy? All right.

the cop approaches and says. What happened, mate? Pardon? What's going on? I'm just waiting for a mate. Is that why your car's all smashed up? And you're up on the grass at the moment or what? Yeah, my mate, he's gone in there.

Why? I'm just wondering how the collision with your car happened, mate. What collision? Well, the one that's got all your wheels and stuff twist it up and your front bumper bars hanging off, mate. A lot of mate here, I love it. There's also, there's shots they pull back and it's like, like the wheels of the tires have popped.

It's over it. The car is fucked. And he's sitting with his arm out the window as relaxed as you're like. Mate, what are you talking about? I'm just waiting for, well, I'm just waiting for a mate, as I said. Who's your mate? Huh? Who's your mate?

mate? James? Yeah, James who? How did you get down here? What, doesn't matter? It does, mate, because you've just been involved in an accident. No, I haven't? Yes, you have.

Have I? What kind of accident? One with a curb, mate. Your whole car smashed up. Can I see your licence, please? No No You've been drinking tonight?

No I can smell it on you Yeah Yeah well I'm not driving Well So When he's told

He needs to either show his license Or get out of the car He responds Well I don't have a license I'm sitting here because I'm waiting for a mate. You've had a car crash. No, I have it?

You're drunk. Am I? Yeah, you are, mate. I can smell it all over you. So we find out, it goes on and on. I recommend watching the whole thing, but we find out the man's actual name is Clint. They bleep it out, like his surname and stuff.

But he reveals his name. He also reveals he lost his license a year earlier for drink driving. And though he claimed he hadn't been driving, multiple witnesses confirmed he was the driver when the car crashed. Is he in the driver's seat? He's in the driver's seat. Yeah. He then allowed, they're like, we need to breathalize you.

He's like, no for a while. And he said, I'll allow that. He blows well over the legal limit. And the cops wanted to take him to the station for a secondary blood test, breath test. And that's when Clint says, I'm not sure you're a federal officer of the law. I'm not a federal officer. Aren't you?

Well, I move on then. I'm a Victorian police officer. No? Well, that's not good enough. I only talk to the feds. Who have no jurisdiction over drink driving. As Clinton finally did provide his license, which was suspended.

He was free to go pending a future court appearance. But they did, they were trying to go, mate, we'd like you to come, but you're no longer under arrest because you've given us your details. You can either come back to the station with us for another breath test, blood test. But you can go if you want. So it was up to him. And the cop said, do you want to come back? No.

If you want to go by your own free will, that would be fantastic. I need you to make a definitive decision. definitive. Can you define that? Bit of fun. So yeah, you can tell the cop was like it would be really good if you just fucked off down. I would love it. I would love to not have to deal with you anymore. Anyway, he ended up going back to the station where he blew 0.181, approximately four times the legal limit. In the end, he was fined $600, Australian, and sentenced to four months of community service.

and was disqualified for driving for three years. Not a lot's known about him. He didn't really cash in on it. He definitely could have gone on the TV circuit after that. I'll be the define that guy. Yeah. Does anyone here remember this? Yeah.

And many of you not? Are you saying no? When you say no to do you not? In their defence, you asked it a confusing way. I did ask a very confusing way. I do apologise for that. And so that was the final of the, what, seven? Seven.

Seven. Seven. Now, I've written here, if time permits, because I don't know if any of you have heard recent live shows, I've started finishing with like a low-budget erotic novel synopsises. And for this one, my Google history is so cooked right now because I was trying to find a relevant New Zealand one. I looked up like Kiwi sex.

and it was really hard to find. You've really constructed this narrative after I walked in on you and what you were Googling. No, there's a reason you'll see. It's the walkers! Yeah, now I have to do it. But anyway, I'm like, I did find one.

It's not as crook as some of them, but it's a bit of fun. And it is a New Zealand-related one. So I thought, why not get my best New Zealand friend who happens to be in the audience tonight? Our editor, AJ, do you want to give AJ a round, who I don't think knows this is happening. Am I giving on stage?

Yes. So to finish this episode, AJ is going to read out the synopsis to a New Zealand-related erotic e-book that seems to be free with your. Amazon subscription. All right. Thanks, Jeff. This is the role of a lifetime.

Was anybody else picturing Matt Stewart as the criminal in all of those stories? All right. A freak... Hang on. Is the font big enough? I think I can read it. Yeah. Thank you.

A freak unseasonal snowstorm has brought Heathrow Airport to a standstill, grounding all the planes, except I need to get home to New Zealand urgently. this has happened to me recently. I've done something I shouldn't have done and the longer I'm trapped in this airport the higher the chances of getting busted. You have done that recently. That's true. I'm desperate,

which is also true. So desperate, I threw a tantrum at the customer service desk begging the lady to let me on a plane. I haven't done that because I respect every woman I've ever met. Then yelling at her when she doesn't. Probably not a good look considering

there are armed cops everywhere and I really don't want to be drawing attention to myself. So when a Kiwi rugby player literally scoops me up off my feet... Oh, my dream! And puts me in a quiet corner to cool off away from the attentions of the millions of people trapped in the airport, I should be grateful. Except then he demands, I call him Daddy.

If only he wasn't the only one who can help me. Kiwi Daddy Paperback by Kelly Dawson This was previously published in the International Daddy's Anthology Thank you a title for this episode Give it up for A.J. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much, A.J. What a guy. He is my Kiwi Daddy. I'm going to need you to send that to me later. Being picked up by a rugby player. I really did think you would enjoy that. Any rugby players in? Are you serious?

Oh no, of course. It's all fucking nerds. We should take any daddies in. All nerds. Okay, bunch of virgins, got it. Well, that brings us at the end of this episode. What are we going to call it? Silly Criminal Daddies?

Yeah, it'll have to be. I'm looking to you to wrap it up now. I mean, you're looking back at me. I said, Give it up for Matt Stewart, everybody. Thank you, Jess. You're welcome. Jess.

Can never align. I'm sorry about him. That was a lot of fun. It's inspired us all to commit a lot of stupid crimes tonight. I just can't believe we don't have any rugby player listeners. Specifically hookers or props, you know? I need someone to lift me. Oh, okay.

You've actually really disappointed me tonight, Wellington. But thanks for coming anyway, everyone. To our first show here in Wellington, thank you so much for coming out. Now, we are going to finish the show. on a second, but we'll be up the back on the way out if you want to either say hello or buy some merch from us, which we've loved over. Or Kia order. That one is a little easier.

You can also avert your gaze and just keep walking. That's fine too. We've brought over some tote bags, some tour posters, some magnets and some stickers. And you can buy one of each in what we used to call the show bag until we realize that you don't have show bags in New Zealand. That's an Australian thing. So we're calling them the footlong pizza. bags.

Which you all have. It's good enough for me. So ask for a foot long pizza bag and we'll know what you mean. Yeah, but we're also doing a second show here in about an hour at 9 o'clock. But I think the doors are open at 8.30 soon. Yeah. Half an hour. There's about 20 tickets left that you can still buy online until about 20 past 8 or something.

Or you can buy them at the door if you want it to stick around. If not, go out, enjoy your night. Can you give yourselves a round of applause for coming out on this beautiful Saturday night? Thank you so much. Thank you so much for the Fringe Bar for having us. We had Alien Sound. Thank you so much. And until next time, we'll say good night, Wellington.

Later. We're back in the room. Back in the nice, cool room in Melbourne. I was thinking we were in a hot location for this show, but that's not true. Yeah, but we've left the tropics of New Zealand. And we're back. Where it rained the whole time I was there. In Melbourne.

And thank you to everyone who came to see us in Wellington at both of our shows. What a lovely time we had in New Zealand. Oh, a gorgeous time. So sorry again that it took us 10 years to get there. Won't happen again. No promises, but ideally. Yeah, it won't happen again. We'll never be able to be able to be able to be.

No, we have that a good time. Maybe next time we'll expand our horizons with further places. Oh, again, no promises. No promises. That's crazy. Dave's just getting up to a bit of criminal mischief there. Isn't that right? That's good.

Now, this is a chance for us to thank other people who make this happen, our patrons. And if you want to be one of them, you can go to patreon.com slash too-gawom-pod. And there's a bunch of different stuff you can get there. Dave will break it in for you quickly now if you want, M2. Otherwise, skip ahead about 30 seconds. I'll keep it under 30. A big seller for us is we do bonus episodes nearly every single week. We do four a month, and now there's 300 in the back catalogue.

And so hundreds of hours, you can also be part of the Facebook group, hear about shows in advance, get discount tickets, of course you get to vote for topics, and you just get to have a bloody lovely time. It's a free episodes, video episodes. There's a lot of perks. And also the delight of knowing that you're making the show possible for the next 10 years. Yeah, imagine that delight. I'd be bloody chock full of it.

But I play a much smaller role in this show being made than the people we're about to thank including these people who are on the Sydney-Shaunberg level or above, they get to be involved in this section of show. What's it called again? I think it's a fact quote or question. Actually, it has a jingle. Go something like this. Fact quote or questions.

The way this one works is you get to give it a fact, a quote, or a question or really whatever you like. And then I read it out on the show. I don't pre-read it, so if it's not edited out, then it's on AJ and whoever wrote it because it's not on me. Okay, that's all I'm saying. I honestly think it would be crazy for someone to blame you. No.

But it is, yeah. I'm just a vessel. These days, with the internet how it is, you've got to get ahead of it and say this isn't on me. So the first this week for the fat quote or question section is one, Logan Husky, who's giving himself the title. You always get to give yourself the title.

Logan's title is Auditor of Matt's Obscuer, get this references. Oh, an important job because I don't get the references. Logan, where are you? There's one. There's one there for you. Now, Logan's asking a question, which is, which animal would you steal from the zoo and how? And we always encourage our question askers to answer the question. And Logan has written, I would steal an elephant by putting a collar, a leash on it, and just walking it out the front door. Oh, that's so good. They tried to stop my, I'd say, no, no, I bought this one with me. And I produced a receipt showing that the elephant was purchased from another Pachyderm vending establishment earlier that day.

Nice. Perfect crime. Perfect crime. I think I'd go for an otter. Oh. Maybe a couple of otters. Oh, yeah. You don't want to split them up.

And I've heard that they hold hands while they sleep, so they don't drift away from each other, and I'd like to witness that. So what do you think of chloroform in the? the backpack of their holding hands. Well, that's it. They're quite small, I imagine.

So, yeah, I could probably just... Oh, you should get baby ones. That's good. That'll be even smaller then. Baby otters. I mean, I don't know that for a fact.

Maybe they're one of those animals that grows in reverse. Oh, now I want to... Maybe they are. I don't know. There's heaps of them. I want to look up baby... Oh, they're so cute.

Yeah, I want a baby otter. You just put them in your pockets. They're known as pups, kits or kittens. Kits is really cute. Yeah, I just put him in my... I'd take, I'd be wearing cargo pants. as I often am, so that wouldn't raise any suspicion.

In fact, it would erase suspicion. It would erase suspicion. Because on the way into the zoo, you're not wearing cargo pants, they go, whoa, whoa, what are you up to? Hey, hey. What are you doing? Skinny jeans, that's a weird thing to wear here. You won't be able to kidnap any?

Hang on. So, yeah, I'll walk in. What distraction are you creating? All of a sudden, I'm a bit suss on the security guard. You know what I mean? Yeah. Why? What are you getting at?

So I walk in in my cargo pants, shove a couple of kits in those pockets. take them home, put them in the bath. Firstly, I've just got to get a place that has a bath. And then they can just live in my bath and hold hands while they sleep. Yeah, basically a new version of Peter Possum's Perfect Penguins or whatever that Jim Carrey movie was. Peter Possum's Perfect Penguins. Yep, that's it.

That was so perfect. Yeah. Dave, what are you taking? Well, you're talking about taking animals out of the zoo. What about moving me into the zoo? Well, that wasn't the question. Like I set up my home there. That wasn't the question.

So no, that's not an answer. I think you can answer the question of your life. Okay, and then the animal I'm taking out of the zoo is you. Oh. Oh, cool. We used to walk me out the front door as well. Yeah, I put a leash on you. But that's more a king thing.

If Dave moves in there, then he gets to be, he gets to sort of hang out with all of them. Yeah. Yeah, I probably hang out with the baboons. Oh. Try to be the king baboon. Yeah, good luck. Yeah. You're going to get effed up.

Yeah, they're pretty crazy, aren't they? The last time I was at the last time I was at the, The zoo at the baboon, actually, there was a guy there with his family, and he was just flipping off, like an adult man, just flipping off the baboons. Like, he was really pissed off at them. Oh, what did they done? I was wondering, what has this baboon done to you, man? Wow. I was sure you were going to take the Great Panda.

They're your favourite animals. I love them, but I would probably, for ease, my thought was, at the Melbourne Zoo, they've got a thing called Lima Island. Uh-huh. You're not allowed to take any food in because you go to a bit like an airlock closes behind you. and then the lemas, they just roam around, they can come right up to you. Oh, that's cool. You've had like a banana or something.

I could tempt it over under the arm, through the airlock. I've not seen that. I've been in the Melbourne Zoo. I don't remember seeing it. Yeah. Leamer Island. I've never seen that. That's cool. I'll probably take the lemur.

Yeah, good call. Sounds unethical, I think it would be honest. I don't think you should be allowed to get up that close with lemas. But you should be able to steal that north. But you can't think you'll be. But you can't look. You can, what? You just wander through the kangaroo.

Oh, yeah. They're a pest. We eat them. Yeah. They're culling, you know, they always go through culls. Yeah. Which is lemurs. They're not a pest.

They're an important animal. They're a pleasure. Yeah. They're a pleasure to have in class. Well, they do taste fantastic as well, though. Yes. Obviously. Yeah, especially those ring tails.

Just suck the body off and you just pull the ring tail out of your mouth. I've been Googling what do otters eat just so that I can be prepared for when I steal all those baby otters. The answer lemurs? Yes. What are you taking from the zoo? Oh, you know, as an animal lover. Yeah, but this is just a fun little quick.

Everyone's okay in this scenario. No, as an animal lover, he doesn't know which one to do it? I don't know which one to steal. He loves them. And to house, you know, in an inadequate way. I mean, my favorite animal is a wombat, of course. Your house barely houses you in an adequate way. No, that's true.

It's not in an ethical way. My feet hanging out the window. Yeah. So. Maybe it needs to be a small animal. Although Dave answered a different question. Maybe I could do that as well. A bigger house. That's what I'd steal. So, Logan, I've answered you question. So did I. Just didn't let me do my funny little bit. No, I won't do it anymore. I'll take penguins so I can be just like Peter Possum's perfect. Yeah, just like Peter Possum's perfect question. I'll bid I'll be playing the part of Peter Possum, aka Jim Carrey.

Perfect. Dave, do you want to do your bit again? No, I'm happy with my answer. It's Leamer Island. Now I'm looking it up. It's so fun. Leammer Island's great. Let's go to the zoo.

Will you tell me later what you were going to say that I interrupted? Yeah, and you'll say, I'm glad I interrupted. I was not worth it. I'll take maybe Gibbons. Oh, yeah, that's fun. All right. Now, Caitlin Everhart's next up, who writes, who's got the title of CEO of Passing out at the dentist.

Oh, I just one of the dentists yesterday said, it was a new dentist, and they said, I have fantastic teeth and gums. Congratulations. Thank you. It was quite a relief to do that. It's them trying to tempt you to book in for another six months. It's the same dentist as I've been on to since I was a child. It was just a new dentist at that dentistry.

Oh, because I thought, famously you go, I don't know if you said this on pod, out of your way to go to this dentist because you know and trust them. Yeah. And now you're getting some other person? Yeah, I know. It's funny because it was like a family friend that started with. He's retired. Yeah. The next person took him over and he's like, yeah, I can recommend her. And then since then I've seen other people and you sort of just get who you get when you go on there now. But they've all been great.

They all get to steal the approval. But they were like, where do you live? And I'm like, oh, yeah, I've been coming here for long ago. They're like, oh, yeah, you have. Like literally since I was a child. Anyway, I should really probably just. You can change if you want. mate I'm an old dog I've just done that recently

only last year from the dentist up the road from my parents' house to one much closer to my house yeah and it was good yeah okay and I hate the dentist

I'm very scared of the dentist I've always had pretty okay experiences so the times I've hated have been you know when they're yanking them out of your head yeah I don't love that but normal I don't mind going in getting them cleaned and

and that sort of stuff and then them telling you've done a good job Oh, I like that bit. Yeah. But it sounds like maybe Caitlin has not had a great time at the dentist. Caitlin writes a question as well. Ah! Hi, all.

Love the pod. Thank you. And to you. Slash New Year's. And to you. Slash Valentine's. Oh my God. Thank you.

And to you. Which is this week, I think. At the time of recording. And release. Yeah, it's just gone by. As in like this week? Last weekend. So like four days ago.

Mm-hmm. I'm calling that this week. Fuck, I didn't realize we were here in the pedant faction of the show. Hey, facts matter, mate. Really important stuff to pull me up on. I appreciate that. Also, slash birthday to me, I'm not doing good.

These words are just like disappearing in front of me. Kayla writes, hi, all love the pod. Happy holidays, slash New Year, slash Valentine, slash birthday to me, depending on when you get around to this. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

And Valentine's and New Year's and holidays. I just got my wisdom tooth out at the ripe age of 23 because it didn't decide to come in until now. Very rude in my opinion, but I at least I get time off IG. Instagram? That's, yeah. Take it anywhere you want. You say like I finally got allowed at 23. I was in my late 20s, I think, when I got mine out.

Really? Yeah. I think I. I was, I think I was 21 or 22. I got it out preemptively because I was about to go overseas. Ah. An indefinite amount of time. True.

And they're like, probably better to do it here. Yeah. Then run into some issues. It was pretty much like you can either do it now and or you probably won't need to worry about over there. But if you do, it will be more annoying. Yeah. Did he also take out your appendix, your tonsils just in case? Yes, gave me a vasectomy.

Just in case. Just in case. You're going to take out one of your kidneys just in case. It's easier now. We can put that back in later if you need it, but let's remove it now. We put it on ice. Let's keep one safe here. You said, you're a dentist?

I'm a dentist, yeah. And then I woke up in a bathtub full of ice. Oh. Free ice. Seems normal. What, what, IG, does that, what else does that mean? At least I get time off IG. Maybe it's just at least I got time off.

But maybe it is IG. Maybe. We might be put into a question and explain. and who knows? Man, I do that so often with these. I'll be like, I'm confused by this. You know, what's this? I spend five minutes being exacerbated,

and there's three words later, it's fully explained. Procedure ended up not being bad, but did get some dry socket too. Unhappy face. That's nasty. Might my fault unsure, if should have been smooching as soon as I do. Are you smooching as you're right?

It really feels like you're only a one eye. She still might be high from the operation. Might be my... Oh, well, worth it. Anyways... That's so awesome. You go back to the dentors, you have to be like, so I got the dry socket.

But that's the only thing that was dry. Bit of fun. Other sockets were... Moist. Uh, so worth it. Anyways, I was wondering if you all, y'all, have a very, have any funny slash silly wisdom teeth removal stories of your own or of others you can share for loud. My ride home was a friend from college, so I wasn't too worried about saying something

I shouldn't or being too out there because, well, they've seen me through many college nights, so this is nothing, lull. worse I got was I was told to be careful when having my dance party in the car on the way to the pharmacy Anyways, love the pod That's so good

I love that story And I would like to think that you're still a little high From the medications I definitely, I do remember feeling like loopy high Afterwards And I remember I was able to

I was recommended my brother had done it before me And he's like Put it together a playlist of heavy metal hard rock music and he's like it'll distract you from like the cracking inside your head um so i made this playlist of my favorite like hard rock and metal songs to listen to during it and does that work yeah i think so i mean i don't know i felt poor i was put under i was absolutely put under yeah i was out which i was i would have bet money that mat's a chair guy

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well one of them had to be taken out yeah yeah that's right One of mine was taken out in an emergency, so just in the chair. And then he did some x-rays and went, I don't think I can remove these. I'm going to send you to a specialist. And I'll have a lot for time you now. Well, the others weren't that bad. And then I go to the surgeon and he's deciding whether he can do it in the chair or not. And I'm like, please put me up.

If he was like, no, I can do it in the chair. I'd be like, no, put me under. I don't like it. Because from what I've heard, they basically get a crowbar and just sort of leaning against your chair. It was crazy because they numb you out. And the injections in felt weird as well, into your gums. Yeah, it's not nice. So it's like, yeah, just a really strange sensation itself, which I didn't love.

But then it was like your gum was fully numb and you just, you can hear and feel it without the pain, but the crunching and the, and they're sort of like having to use your chest to like get leverage and stuff. People get, just take the headman's off as if you're not in the room with him. I know, but like it's less loud. Sorry. That's gross. And is it true that you can get? get bruises on your chest from the pressure. Yeah, I think that's true.

Yeah. Yeah, I just went to sleep. Yeah, I honestly, I am incredibly tense and anxious when they're just cleaning my teeth. Right. I don't do well at the dentist. Childhood trauma. Yes, I was going to say they, if you have a bad experience earlier, probably, and I was just lucky probably it was a, dad went to, knew this guy from way back in the day.

I'd known and been around to his house and stuff. It's a great guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that's great what a gift Dave would go to his grandfather yeah which in itself was a good big and fronding because it's in the kitchen just be like all right give us a look

you're like oh suddenly granddad's hands are in your mouth a little bit with a bit were you okay I love you too granddad but also said we can we make sure we we wash those mitts before yeah and then you go back you know to cooking a beef bergenion or something

but did you ever have braces or anything your teeth are very straight oh they're sort of in two bits unfortunately. So they're not quite on it. And I could have got, I was actually supposed to get braces. But then I cracked it at the orthodontist and said,

I don't want to do this. And my parents were so lovely. We were like, well, if he doesn't want to do it, and the guy was furious. Because he's a friend of my granddad. And I do regret it now. I'm a bit like, 13, I should have just done it.

I don't know. They fully, they can really change the look of your head. Like, they change, because your head's still kind of developing. And do you think I'm happy with this? I wouldn't change it. I'd have to get x-rays of my hands before getting braces on, because it showed them where I was in my growing,

because I was 11 or 11 when I got braces on. So they needed to see how much more growing I had to do. So the x-ray of my face and everything, but also my hands. There you go. That's interesting. Well, you like that they're taking the care. Yeah, that's above and beyond. It feels like, I've got, yeah, I've got a friend who's like,

regrets doing it's like, really changed the way they look. Oh, they regret doing it. Interesting. And I've extrapolated that. Maybe that's not common. I mean, it does change your face for sure. Like, you are, like, because the thing, they wanted to move my jaw a bit forward. And it was a bit more than, I was like, just give me the braces.

It's like, I'm a big cousin's. Yeah, an expander that opened my, changed my jaw. Yeah. Because at the time, you told two. years as a 13-year-old, that feels like forever. That's it. Yeah. Now, like, two years is that all? Yeah.

Anywho. Wild stuff. Thank you so much for that question. Caitlin letting us go down memorabililine. Yeah. Memorial line. So I've just taken some pain killers. The last one this week comes from Murray Somerville, who we just saw at the time of

recording a few days ago. Yeah. That's right. Up in Brisbane, Murray, some people may have seen, his fantastic artwork that we've used as stickers and also. Posters. Posters. Who knew it with Matt Stewart logo?

That's right. And a few things are he often posted in the Facebook Patreon group and we share some art that's been inspired by the week's episode. Great artist, great guy. He did one of my festival posters as well. Yes. Yeah. Can't remember. Was it the bad boy one?

No, it was ding. Ding. Ding. Yeah, so it was so good. Yeah, his style is awesome. The best man. Rebadged. So, Murray has got the title of Triptitch Club.

Co-check attendant, I should just say. I try and say this radically. We now know that I say triptych wrong. Dave taught it to me wrong. That's me, yes. Please don't have learnt it. And some people have learnt it and argued with people about it and been embarrassed. It is really triptych, is that right, Dave?

That's correct, which I didn't know for a long time was my year seven art teacher. Yeah. Sorry about that. So it goes a long way. That one mistake they made is really fucked off. Really influential. But it's also, like, we've made it our own. It is our own now.

Triptych. Yeah, it belongs to us. It's a new word. Yes. New thing, new concept. Exactly. And Murray has a question as well, three questions today, which is, I recently have to give up three of my basic food groups in one hit.

Oof. Oof. Because I hadn't seen Murray for a little while. And I'm like, Murray, you are looking fit. And he's like, yep, I've been working on it. And this probably links in. Um, alcohol, chocolate and coffee. Oof.

They're great food groups. Important food groups. Uh, yeah, that is, yes, I've had all of those this week. I'm sorry, Murray, to tell you that. Why would I say that? Why would you probably like that? Sorry, Mari. But I'm also nowhere near as fit as you are.

God, he looks so good. Jeez. Big, beautiful blue eyes. Oh, my God. Those remind me of, um, The Simpsons were in a home as putting on weight. And he goes to Dr. Nick. And he has the nutritional pyramid.

I just looked up here. There's the fats and the sweets, the whipped group, and the chuckle-tastic group. That's when he's trying to put on weight and he gets the moo-moo? And is that the one where he like, he only eats it if the food if it makes paper see-through? Yeah. They rub it on a wall and a bird flies into the wall. Anyway, Murray says it was for health reasons and not going to lie, I thought giving up the coffee alone might end me. I've adjusted and actually feel better for it.

But it got me wondering, what is the food or drink in your life that would be incredibly hard to give up? Well, I think yours are pretty similar to mine, Murray. I mean, I've given up booze a year at a time, a couple times, maybe three times. And it was hard, but it actually wasn't. that hard. It was hard at first, but very quickly got used to it. But I did find those times. I did end up, for some reason, craving more chocolate and stuff. It's like filling the gap with a new thing. Yeah, replacing it with something else. Coffee I reckon I could do. I do like copies, but I only tend to have one every couple of days or something. Yeah, I don't know. Water?

I think that would be hard to give up. Water would be a tough one. For me, pies would be very difficult. It'd be part of my diet. Yes. Uh, potato chips. Love those. My favorite snack. Oh, yeah, carbs would be hard. Yeah, carbs in general. Like I, pasta I ate probably two out of three days for dinner.

Yeah. Uh, could be that's made. I've got to be Italian blood. This is my blood type craves it. Same with me and potatoes. Yeah, yep. You know, just like, just in my blood. Yeah.

Well, I tell you what, because I got a lot of Irish heritage as well. That's the other. Nocky. It's really, yeah. Knocky. Yeah, a bit of knock. Yeah. Love a bit of knocky.

How do you, how are you meant to say? Nyoki. Nyoky, yeah, you sound like a real fuckhead then. You can't talk like that, mate. It's not wrong. Yeah, I wouldn't give up coffee for shit. If the doctors were like, it's coffee or we'll take 10 years off your life. I'm like, fucking take it.

No, and it's not, I could go without it. I just enjoy it. Yeah. I like the ritual of it. I like the comfort of it. You could live. twice as long if you just lie in this box and, and, uh, lick on this little dribble of water. And you're like, well, you know, there's got to be a balance between enjoying life as well.

Absolutely. But you'll live twice as long in the box. I don't give a shit. Huh? You get the little, you get to lick on the little dribbler. I'm here for a good. Everyone loves the dribbler. Okay.

Don't forget about the dribbler. You get to lick on the dribbler. Huh? 150 years of dribbler. Okay. That's your. was. And we, we feel that twice a day. So, you know. That's not a near constant stream of dribble.

A nutrient rich. Dribble. Dribble. Lick on the dribbler. Have a lick on the dribbler. I reckon mine would be pies, chips and dribbler. Yeah. Couldn't I give up the dribbler?

Could not give up the dribbler? I think day to day I could give up, you know, like any one day it's easy not to have stuff. I don't tend to sort of space stuff out anyway, but yeah, long term and it's often just the idea of you can't have it makes it you're like, oh, but now I would really like to. Yeah, and I guess it's like never have it again. Cut right back is different. Oh, totally. Same like, because I don't really, I reckon I probably have under 10 drinks a year. I reckon I'm being generous there too.

Like I don't drink alcohol. How many times do you have a look of the dribble? couple times a day, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do like, I like a fizzy drink, though. Mm. And so that's often a little treat. But in my head, I'm like, well, I don't drink alcohol.

Yeah. I can have a little fizzy? I think you can have a little fizzy? A little sugar-free fizzy, don't mind if I do. Great question, Murray. And I'm having an attempt at a fit a year this year. I'm working more on exercise, but I probably could tweak the diet a little bit as well. Trying to think about portion sizes a bit.

Because in the past, my past, the servings were like, ridiculous. I'm trying to have just like a normal pasta serving when I would, I think I realize now I usually would have doubles. We have a family size serving. Yeah, yeah. You go out to a restaurant and go, what the fuck is this?

They come out with three bits of pasta. Sorry, I didn't order the kids passer. They're like, no, this is a normal adult serve. The fuck it is? I didn't order the kids' leftovers. The kids already had their fill. Okay. What's this shit? I don't want this.

Thank you so much to Murray, Caitlin and Logan. Congratulations to all three of you on fantastic work individually. We're proud of you. Murray with the fitness, Catlin with losing a wisdom teeth and getting a smooch, and Logan with dreaming of stealing animals. Now, the next thing we like to do is shout out to a few of other great patron supporters. Jess somebody comes up with a game based on the topic.

That's true. I do. And this topic was dumb criminals. Or criminal mischief. So I guess you could give them a... Give them a crime? Yeah. Or like a silly mistake they've made

Instead of leaving their number Yeah, okay We're going to give them all a whoopsy I think you're going to be really good at that, Jess So I reckon Dave you give it the place I'll give the name, Jess gives the whoopsie Okay, no key I'd like to first of all

Get my list ready Okay, how about I do the place you do the name Okay, fantastic, I'm ready Well, I'd like to firstly thank From Address I can only assume from deep within the fortress of the moles. I'd like to thank, I'd just have a bit of a run up here. Blue Fox 17 Barrera, Foxx maybe, Blue Fix 17.

Blue Phoenix, I think sometimes that's sure. Oh yeah, that's pretty good. Blue Phoenix 17 Barrera. The whoopsie they made is a waiter put down their meal for them and said, enjoy your meal, and they said, you too. Oh, no. So embarrassing. They ended up dining and dashing.

just to get away from that. I was going to say, they had to kill the waiter. Yeah. I can't get that out. So embarrassing. Next up from Pots Town in Pennsylvania in the United States. It's Victoria.

Remelius. Victoria picked up the wrong suitcase at the airport. Oh. And then... Unlucky though. Identical. Got it back to the hotel and was like, why isn't my code working?

So they naturally broke in. And then there was, was gold in there and they thought, well, I'm not returning this. So, yeah, that is a, that's sort of like a dumb luck criminal. It's, yeah. Well, the accidental crime is the first bit, but the real crime is when they didn't return it. Yeah, it's an opportunistic crime. Next up, again from address unknown, assuming from deep within the fortress of the most.

We've got H. Deneves, H-D-E-V-S, H-D-N-E-V-S, Hedineves. Peteneves. Or H-D-E-Nerves. I'm not sure how we say this, but I like it. I don't. I love it. Just, what about for them? They realized they were about to miss their exit on a motorway,

and so they cut across four lanes of traffic, and inadvertently caused a five-car pile-up. Whoa. But they did make the exit. I think that might relate to, like, a fact quote of question from the last couple of weeks. Someone said, what really pisses you off? Or what really boils your beans?

Remember that? Yes, boils your beans, yep. Oh, Dave wasn't here for that, I reckon. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And their example was people who just cross, exit from way. And that was, I was saying it then based on an experience of driving home from here yesterday. Oh, wow. Somebody, I was on Hoddle Street of all fucking places to just stop in the middle of the,

she kept coming over into my lane. So I had to slam on the brakes. Then she just stopped. What? And then got a little toot from me and another. He farted at her. I farted at her because I was so scared. And she kept going.

But she gave the wave and I was like, no. No, actually, this is one instance where the wave is not enough. Really? Yeah, I don't forgive the wave. The wave cures all for me. Normally, but not that. That was crazy. Anyway.

Sounds like your beans were well until you're boiled. Oh, the boiled beans. From a Guelph in Oregon, Ontario, Canada. Guelph is so good. Guelph is fantastic. It's, uh, Emily Ward. Emily, what did Emily do?

She dropped an entire tray of pint glasses at the pub. No. As a waiter or as a punter? Punter. Why'd she have that whole tray? Nobody knows. So she hadn't just ordered them and was bringing them over. They were empty glasses.

And she just dropped them all. And then in a panic, picked up the biggest shud she could and killed a bunch of people with her. See, that is, you've just made it worse. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to cut your losses. Not cut. Yeah. Oh, God.

Sometimes you've got to stab you way out of. No, no, no, no. Figure speech, figure of speech. Is this a figure of speech? Should be. From address. Unknown once again. Shimon again, probably dead within the fortress of the moles.

This is Jackson Talent or it's got a double loss. It could be Jackson Taulant. I'm going on the Taulant. But there's a toilet. Tolland. Tolland. Jackson, Toiland. Jackson used the last of the toilet paper.

Where did he get your idea? And then did something happen? No. That's the crime. It's more of a social faux par, isn't it? Used it all, didn't replace it? You got to replace. And didn't warn the person, this is it a public bathroom, didn't warn the next person going into that cubicle?

That's fucked Jackson. You got to say, oh, the toilet paper's out of that one. This is way worse than Emily who stabbed a bunch of people. glass. This is the worst yet. Jess, so you don't have to do it so each one is worse than last.

Please help me. Cambridge in Great Britain. It's Ray McCappen. Ray McCappen. Ray McCappen. Ray Macappen. Macappen. That's so good.

That's really good. Double C, Dopp. One R for Ray. And Ray, Grand Theft Auto. Yeah. Really?

Yeah, yeah. That's a bad one, Ray. Ray, we're not going to lie about this one. Yeah, that's a bad one. Right, I think you are looking at jail time. I don't think we can call that one a whoopsie. And you are talking about the crime, not the game.

Yeah. Yeah. The actual crime. Yeah, that is bad. Got the inspiration from the game, sure. But. He's like, wait. That's not the lesson to take away from it.

What, officer? Oh. Oh, it's fine when I do it at home, is it? And now when I do it out here, a bit of fresh air. You know, brought the kids. Give them an outing. Oh, now. Now it's illegal.

Well, I've got no idea what's up and down now, officer. I'm just waiting for a mate. From Chesapeake in Virginia in the United States. We have. Oh, no, you want. No, I love it, but I want you to say it. Okay. It's shuffle.

Shuffle. So shuffle. From Chesapeake. bought a movie ticket. Mm. Went into the wrong cinema. Oh, no. And then, but was like, by the time they realized they're in the wrong cinema, they'd, the movie had started and they didn't want to disrupt people around them.

So they just sat and watched a movie. The wrong one though. Oh, no. Shuffle. A bit of a whoopsy. Yeah. Oh, shuffle. No crime involved.

That one, just a whoopsie. Yeah. They don't have to pay again another time to see the movie they wanted to see. It would be a crime if they snuck from that movie to another because now they've technically got at least half a free movie. But that's not what happened. They didn't do that. No, it's just a whoopsy. On your shuffle.

On your shuffle. At least their story anyway. I don't know if I trust it. Next up we have from Lira in New South Wales here in Australia. Finn Weber. Great name. Finn Weber. Stoll barbecue.

Oh, yeah. Wait, do you get those ideas. Shut the fuck up. No, Dave. How about that? I think this Weber's spelt slightly differently. Oh, that's good. So it's actually got nothing to do with that.

Yeah. So Finn stole a barbecue. Great. I'm asking where you got your idea from them. It wasn't my idea. It was Finn's idea. Really? I'm just a reporter.

I'm just a journalist. Where do you get your stories? From Finn. Okay. The Financial Times? Yes. And finally, from Shenton Park in Western Australia. It's Jessica Carter.

Jessica Carter. How a great name. The astronaut farta. Oh, okay. It feels like we've changed the game. We're right at the end here. No, that's just what their headline was. Oh, yep.

when this story broke, which obviously Jessica was an astronaut, yep, with their fellow astronauts, and Jessica really let rip. Oh, that is a crime, brutal. I think that's an international crime. Yeah, down the international waters. Yeah. Which is that what I call space. Thank you so much.

Jessica Finn, shuffle, Ray, Jackson, Emily, H.D., Victoria and Bluefix. Now, let me just have a look at, quick look ahead here. there's no triple triptitch club members, but we do have half a D of triptich members. Between the three of us, we've got half a D. So that's the triptage club, Dave. Explain to new listeners. This is our Hall of Fame, basically our clubhouse. It's a bit of theatre of the mind where people who have been supporting the show on the shoutout level or above for three consecutive years.

Because they've been so strong, so true, they've never jumped off us. We're not going to jump off them. We're going to invite them in to our clubhouse where they, hear your name, you run on in, put your name up on the wall. Once you're in, you can never leave. Why would you want to? You don't need to. We've got everything you need.

We've got fun, games, food, music, hockey, ice hockey, grass hockey, roller hockey, all sorts of hockey, air hockey, and also frozen ice hockey, which is everything in all at once. And it's just a lovely time we get to hang out with your fellow long-term patron Frozen ice hockey is just all the characters from Frozen playing ice hockey. Yeah, Glenda. Uh-huh. Bewitched. Yep.

Uh, Dawn. I love Dawn. Don's my favorite character of Frozen. Oh, how it's Don. How could you forget the Snowman? Yeah, the Snowman Gemini. Jiminy. But, yeah, and Don, of course, being the carrot.

Don the carrot. The nose. Of Jiminy. Jiminy. Jiminy's nose jumps off and plays his own. Jiminy, Don. He goes on a side quest. I'm going to find that big Jimmy head to go back.

It's my home. Is that the cat? Is that Don or is that Jimenez? That's Don. Oh, okay. Jimini's the snowman. Hey. Against male.

Against male. And then people tell him to let it go. Is that right? Yeah. He misunderstanders. He goes, I can't spell. Well, I fucking can.

Yeah. Why did you tell me to let it go? It's really funny. It's actually a really funny movie. So we've got six inductees in the Triptitch Club. That's beautiful. People have been signed up for three straight years. I welcome to the Triptitch slash Triptych Club.

Now, I'm on the door. It's not the triptych club. No, that's true. That's a different thing. Yes, this is a triptych club. Thank you. And I'm on the door. I've got the, uh,

I've got the clipboard. I've got six names on the list. Dave's emceeing the night. He always emcees the party. We do a party every week inducting in new members. And Dave also books a band. Jess is behind the bar. Normally comes up with a fun cocktail based on the topic as well.

Did you do that this week? No. No. And Dave, the band you booked. You're never going to believe this because I did my job. Yeah. I always did my job. Yeah.

Well, I think in a lot of ways, Jess not doing a job is doing us a bit of a favor. because she's been dishing up some real dog shit poison stuff like this. Yeah, like a lot of hot slop. Yeah. Hot slop. Yeah. It started off she was making really nice cocktails. Yeah.

And at some point, it almost felt like... Have you guys forgotten No, I'm here? Oh. Sorry. You asked, yeah. Sorry. He didn't do your job. Wait, is that gym?

Oh, I've booked. I can't wait to hype you up then. Fuck. Matt, I might need you to step up this week. I've booked. You never going to believe it. The fun, loving, Criminals.

Whoa. Scooby snacks. Scooby snacks. Running around, robbing backs, all whacked on the Scooby Snacks? You better believe it. They most played song. Scooby Snakes. I don't know if I could name you another one.

Do you know their other song, The Fun Loving Criminal, self-titled song? I do like a band with their own theme song. All right, so I'm going to read out these six names. Dave's going to hype them up. If you hear your name, go on in. Dave will hype you up with a bit of weak wordplay based on either your name or the place you're from. And yeah, here we go.

And then what is yesterday? Oh, Jess would then normally... Normally, yes. You know, give Dave a bit of hype because he's... Come on. His character in this section, which is ridiculous, obviously, because real Dave has no self-doubt at all. But in this section, Dave...

Have you ever doubted yourself? Oh, if you have to think about it. Sorry, keep going that. Yeah. I was relieved the time I found out in Queensland that I was one year too young to go skydiving with my dad and sister. And I doubted that I could do it. And then when they said, you doubt it, you could fall out of a plan.

And when they said I wasn't allowed, I inside was like, thank God. But outwardly was like, oh, come on. Oh, great. No. Oh, so disappointing. We'll never come back here. We never did. Thank God for that.

We should go up and do that, Dave, now that we know that you were shadd you were shadjimish, Dan. Shadimmy. Okay, so here we go. So first, oh, yeah, Dave's got low self-esteem in this part of the show, a little theater of the mind. And Jess hops in my place on that. Although he sort of has been a bit rude to her, so maybe she won't. First up from address I know can only assume from deep within the fortress of the malls.

Welcome into the triptage club, Nick Sparkle. Sparkle, Sparkle, Nicky! From Langland in Wales, I reckon. Yeah. Based on that. Comrie? Cumbry? How do you say Cumry? How do you say Wales?

Yeah, it's Cumbry. And that's what I call Cumry is that? It's sticky sound zine. Sticky sounds more like, just going to be, give me anything here. Sticky sounds, it's not going to be tricky sounds when you're around. Come to the front, come on in.

From address unknown. Yeah, I really need it to get across the lawn. Deep within the Fortress of the Mall. Please welcome in Crystal. Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle, Crystal. If I could do Sparkle, fucker all, and that would be pretty good. From Hilton in New York, it's Mandy Kurtz.

We love you so much, it hurts. Mandy Kurtz. That's good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. We'll get AJ to put... AJ in post, can you put yourself supporting Dave? Woo!

He did it. Thank you, AJ. Can you do it? character for the rest of it. From Mooney Ponds here in Victoria. Welcome in Emily Williams. Tem out of Timeli! Oh, that's so good.

Yeah. You did it again. And finally. Finally from Dauvin Creek. Again here in Victoria, Australia. It's Georgie Hill. I will die on this, Georgie. I can't believe that.

Oh, it's inappropriate. Yeah, don't die on it. That sounds awful. Welcome into the club. George, Emily, Mandy, Crystal, Sticky and Nick. Sticky. That brings us to the end of the episode. We're losing Dave, so it couldn't have happened before time.

Jess, anything we need to tell people before we go? We're sorry for all of this, and if you'd like to suggest a topic, you can. This went for 45 minutes. What do you reckon? 1025. There's a link in the show notes to suggest a topic. You can find it on our website as well, which is dogoonpod.com. And you can find us at dogo on pod across social media, dogo on podcast on TikTok.

Dave, boot this baby home. My headphones are trapped in my chair. It's all falling apart. But thank you so much for listening to the show. We do appreciate you. If you're on the Patreon, we love you as well. Thank you so much. Until next time, I will say thank you so much for listening.

And until then, it's goodbye from me. Later. Big Matt out. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester.

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