Do Go On - 542 - The Attempted Murder of Susan Kuhnhausen

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

On the 6th of September, 2006, 51-year-old Susan Kuhnhausen returned to her Portland home to find an intruder wielding a hammer, this is her remarkable story.This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 04:45 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).Content warning: Violence, hammer related assault (main details at 00:15:19)Previous murder details at 00:26:44For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Jess Writes A Rom-Com: https://shows.acast.com/jess-writes-a-rom-comOur awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://allthatsinteresting.com/susan-kuhnhausenhttps://www.wweek.com/news/2016/08/17/a-hit-man-came-to-kill-susan-kuhnhausen-she-survived-he-didnt/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do go on is performing some live podcast at the 26 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Can you believe it, baby? You can come see us do three shows, 29th of March, 12th and 19th of April, 2.30 in the afternoon. What a gorgeous time to see some comedy. Sunday, fun day, am I right? And it's true to say that the tickets are moving fast, Dave. That's right.

We are over 50% for all of the shows, and more than 50% of season passes are gone now too. And that means you can see all three shows for a heavily discount. And a price. Oh my God. But, you know, feel free to buy three individually if you like. Whatever. Yeah. Hey, but also, why not see me and Sarangai Amarna, a friend of the show,

doing our new material show at the Adelaide Fringe this year. This year, this year, 2026 or 2027? It's 2026. 2026, March the 3rd to the 9th at Rhineroom. And I'm also doing, who knew it with Matt Schuette, live at the Rhinel Room on Saturday, the March the 7th, the, the, the, the. And yeah, Melbourne an international comedy festival. Also, the Cooper's Inn means Saran, April 7th, the 19th.

That means I believe you'll be able to at least do a double one time, maybe two times with Dugo On. Yeah, twice. And why not do it twice? Oh, do it twice because it's so nice. Oh, Mama. Double the fun, it's number one. Anyway, go to Do Go Onpod.com for all the links to these shows. Hello and welcome to another episode of Do Go On.

My name is Dave Warnocky and as always I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins. Hello. Hi Dave, hi Jess. It's so good to be here. What just happened there? Well, I've just turned on and I'm turned up and I'm tuning in. Woo! No, it's really good to be here guys.

I know we're 300 and whatever episodes in, 500 even. 530 Summit. But I still feel like that. the same vim and vigor and lust for the podcasting life as I ever did. No, I'm really tired. We almost believed you. Yeah, that was actually very good, though. No, I'm really, I'm really looking forward to hanging out with you guys here today.

Great. It's always a highlight of my week. I'll tell you that. Yeah. For free? I wouldn't pave that information because I would have suspected it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Like I thought, look at him. Yes. what we know about his life What else has he got? Like it's grim out there So of course this is just naturally a highlight That's why we keep going for you Yeah

Well I appreciate that And I would say this is also probably a highlight for you Knowing what I know About you Oh, the comfort of the barrels It's been pointed on me Because it's the thing You say stuff here and we laugh

And that doesn't happen outside Of this room Oh my God, I'm being assassinated over here And you Jess Well, you're the coolest person I've ever met. Yes. Yes.

And you don't like going out much, so you'd probably hate this. This is the worst part of my week, because the rest of the week, I'm on my couch. Yeah, playing the Sims. Yeah, I am going through a Sims phase. In fact, probably by the time this comes out, I'm done and I won't play for six months. All right, yes or no. Have you ever made Matt or I on The Sims? No.

Really? Yeah, I'd love to know what kind of career I'd have of the Sims. I mean, there isn't podcasting, but you could be a writer or something. I'd like to be something else, yeah, like to experience a different life. I'll send you a list of options for career. I'll be an astronaut. You can be an astronaut? Okay.

Great. Okay. Can I be an archaeologist? Yeah. Surely there's an archaeologist expansion pack. Yeah, there is, yep. Yeah, you could go explore a temple. Please.

Could I be a rock star? Yep. Could I be a rock star? You'd have to choose one. Okay. But you could be like an astronaut and then really good at music on the side if you want. Fantastic. You play guitar up in space.

I don't do that. That's cool. Oh, you know what would be really cool, Dave? if you explain how this show works. Well, what we do here is we take it in terms to report on a topic, which is often suggested to us by one of the listeners. Then we go away, do a bit of research on that topic, bring it back to the group in the form of a report.

And it is Matt's turn to do such a thing this week, and we always start with a question to get us onto the topic. Matthew, do you, the astronaut slash rock star, have a question for us? I do. And my question is this. Where was Fred Armiston and Carrie Brownstein's 2010 sketched? Series set. 2010.

Is that Portland? Yes. Is that Portlandia? Correct. Well done. Did I pronounce either of their names, right? Carrie Brownstein? I don't think I've ever said it out loud before, but she's from the great band, which I've also blanked on.

Is she from Slater Kinney or something? Slater Kitty, yeah. It's funny, I know these things I've never watched the show or heard the band really. Oh, the band's great. And the show is very funny, too. Is this about something that happened in Portland? Yes. That's right.

Oh, we needed an inn. That's right. This episode takes place there. There's a topic that Jess and I just wouldn't have heard of it. Well, I don't know. I had not heard of it. Okay. And I sort of extrapolate from there.

Yeah, if you don't know about it, there's a good chance we don't. Now, this was suggested by a listener, as you said, maybe the case. Mary Lee from Windhoek. I just looked up Windhoek. On Namibia? Yeah, well, I just sit in a bit. There you go. Well done.

That's cool. It might pronounce that right? I think, because I think that's a German settled country, I think, Vindhawk or something that may be. Oh, right. I guess there. So that's the capital of Namibia. Do you have one of those freaky, no, the capital of the world's kind of thing?

Oh, no, Africa in particular, aren't you? Oh, I've just, I tried to go on holiday there once. Okay. I was planning a trip, you know, I just didn't kind of work out in my early 20s, but, and that was definitely on the list. Right. Because anyway, my girlfriend at the time, her dad was a geologist, and he lived and worked in that city. Oh, wow.

Oh, there you go. Yeah. That's pretty cool. This story occurred almost 20 years ago on the 6th of September, 2006, when 51-year-old Susan Kunhausen returned to her Portland, Oregon home. To give you a picture of her, she, oh, I'll show you to a picture of her. Okay. And what was their first answer? I missed it.

Susan. Susan. There she is there. Yes. I think I was talking about this to some listeners after a show. I said, I'm working on this report at the moment. And they knew it and they're like, oh, you got to, it's somehow to them, they're like, it's important, I think, to give a picture of her. And we all sort of agree that she reminded us a bit of Melissa McCarthy and spy.

Oh, yeah. Like when she was undercover. Yes, yes, yep. But just like really kind, face woman. And according to the journalist Beth Slavic, I'm going to be quoting from a bunch. She wrote a big article about this story in the Williamette Week. Slavic writes that, Slavic writes, outgoing and vivacious, Susan unleashed loud, boisterous laughs.

When she went to shows at Harvey's Comedy Club, she'd sit in the front row. She loved life. She loved to laugh. She's just a nice lady. Yes. She had just completed a shift as an emergency room nurse at the Providence Portland Medical Center on this day, the 6th of September. And, yeah, shortly after arriving home, she was startled by an intruder. And while dealing with the shock of finding a stranger in her home, she was attacked and struck on the head with a hammer.

Oh, my God. Full-on awful stuff. Is this the hammer triptitch? Yeah, no, I was just thinking, I told another story about people getting hit with a hammer recently. Which I didn't think really ever happened. And now there you go. Both set in America as well,

we're like famously of other weapons. Yeah. But I reckon there are some sort of parallels between these two stories, that FedEx one, both harrowing, but heroic parts of the story as well. So anyway, before again, I'll backtrack an hour or two when Susan was knocking off work, Slovak rights. Susan Kunhausen took her time going home.

After finishing her shift, she headed to Perfect Look Hair Salon on East Burnside Street. As she waited for a turn, she picked up a copy of Oprah magazine and read a poem. I will not die an unlived life it began. I will not live in fear. One hour later, rested and relaxed, she drove to her home in the Montevilla neighborhood of southeast Portland.

In the mud room at the back of the house, Susan found a note by the microwave from her husband of almost 18 years, Mike. It read, Sue, haven't been sleeping, had to get away, went to the beach. He added that he'd see her on Friday or Saturday, and signed off, Love Me. Well, it was this 2006? 2006, yeah.

We had mobile phones. Yeah, leave a message. Send a message. Give a call. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder. I suppose, you know, you could still leave a note then.

Yeah. Now you can't leave a note. And now, I guess, you know, we don't know this girl, middle-aged fella. Yeah. Maybe didn't have one yet. Yep. My old man was a late adopter. How late we're talking?

Still got one yet? He's got one now, yeah, but only in the last 10 years. He's got snake on it. Yeah, that's the next question is, did he go for a smartphone? Straight to smartphone or like? I think he went for a pretty basic one. And I'm like I'm generally pretty jealous of having avoided all that stuff. He doesn't have social media or anything like that.

I don't know. It's not a bad thing to have skipped, I reckon. Yeah, I think he's made a good choice there. Still with Slavic. Unlocking the door to the kitchen, Susan heard the beeping of her security alarm. She disarmed it, walked through the house at the front door,

and then went back outside. It was clear and warm at 6.37pm that day, and she stood for a minute or two in the front yard, flipping through her mail. So it's all been very chilled out. Yeah, very normal day. And the alarm's gone off, that's not actually stressing her out.

She's a bit like, this happens. Yeah, that's right. How annoying rather than. Yeah. This is weird. Yeah. Yeah. When she came back inside, she kicked off her burk and noticed how dark it was in her bedroom on the first floor.

Had she forgotten to open the curtains that morning? Suddenly, from behind the bedroom door, a man lurched toward her. Five foot nine middle-aged stranger weighed 190 pounds. He wore dockers, a blue striped shirt, and a tan baseball hat pulled down low over his eyes. Comically low? Can't see. Where are you? come here

he had to cut holes by holes why did I draw the blinds his long hair was in a ponytail tucked into the cap and he wore yellow rubber gloves on his hands

and carried a red and black claw hammer after being struck with a vicious blow Susan's survival and six kicked in and she tussled with the man

eventually getting him in a chokehold and in time he stopped moving but She'd copped some big blows and this. Yeah. I'll go through it in great of detail soon, but that fight took like 15 odd minutes.

Shit. It was like a, you know, a fight for your life. Yeah, that's so scary. Wow. Bruised, bleeding and shaken, she headed to her neighbour Anne Warnock's house where the following 911 call was made. Whoa. For Aussie listeners, 911 is the equivalent of our triple zero.

Oh, okay. Or for Kiwis, it's like your one-one-one. Okay. Or the UK is 9-99. Oh, I see. Or if you're listening from the Philippines, it's like your 9-1-1. Anyway. Okay.

That's important context. Thank you for that. Because I was like, whoa, but I had no idea what you're talking about. What is that? Is that like a trivia fun line? Yeah. What does it mean? Does that just mean the charges are reversed or something?

Yeah. Is that like a star 69? Yeah. Which is like a phone call for two. which a lot of them are actually. Probably most. You know, you sometimes have a three-way call. Absolutely.

Conference call. You know, when you get the whole business involved. That's right. Now, this is how the phone call went. Anne Warnock, the neighbour. We have an intruder in the house next door. The intruder was in the bedroom with a hammer. The woman who lives there thinks she may have strangled him.

He was down when she left. The 911 operator, replies, can you put her on the phone? Warnock says, she's bleeding. The operator says, does she need an ambulance? Warnock says, no, she's a nurse. She says, call an ambulance for the guy. He may be dead.

Oh, she pulled a proper call an ambulance. But not for me. Yeah. But also, I understand you're a nurse, which means you should know you do need medical attention. Yeah, you've copped a hammer to the head. You can't assess yourself. But is that the her or the neighbor being like? Like, no, she's good.

She's fine. She can't talk on the phone because she's bleeding profusely from the head, but she shouldn't need a doctor. Yeah, she's, she's, she looks across and she's flicking channels on TV. She's cool. Who wants to be a millionaires? But also, like, yes, send an ambulance, and the ambulance can probably tend to both of them. Yeah, I would say.

I understand she may not be as urgent as him if she thinks he might be dead or close to, but they can get to you as well. It is, I guess this is all part of, like, their training would just be to ask these sort of question. Yeah. It is like, there's an intruder, there's a hammer. she's bleeding. Yeah.

Is she going to need an ambulance? Yeah. Yeah, I reckon probably already have one on the way. Yeah, I'd be sending one. We are like coming from a country here where it doesn't potentially bankrupt your entire life because you went to hospital ones. True. I do forget that. But do get ambulance cover if it's not included in your health insurance.

I mean, that's. It's such a weird little thing. You've got to remember. And also, the health insurance doesn't cover non-emergency ambulance. And sometimes if you call like ambulance Victoria and it's you're not an emergency. but they're still sending someone out, they send a patient transport type thing, then it's not covered.

So probably just get it anyway because it's pretty cheap. There are people listening in Nordic countries right now going, what? What? Yeah. Just include it all? Why don't you live in Paradise like we do? Yep.

Yeah, well, we've also got sunshine. No, I don't know. Oh, they've got that over there too. Yeah, they're like, sometimes we have too much sunshine. Yeah, sometimes we have none. Sometimes the sun never goes away. So, yes, she says, She says call an ambulance for the guy

That's a pretty bad ass I'm fine but he'll need one The operator says What did she use on him? She strangled him What else did she do? Warnock, she put a chokehold on him Operator

I've got help on the way Stay on the line Warnock says she has a hammer here So she took the hammer with her Good operator says Don't touch it, don't touch it Just leave it there And Warnock says

She hit him several times That's the hammer he had with him she struck him and she strangled him and she thinks he's dead. So it's super full on. Yes. She had like such a normal day. Yes. Went to work.

Got a hair done after. Cruised on home. It's a nice night. Her hair's been ruined. Husbands away. Beautiful. House to yourself. So you hope.

Well, we talk about it a little bit later. They are married but they've been estranged for about a year. Okay. But they still get on well enough that, you know, That's their house together. Yeah. And he still has the door code and everything. So that's how he's able to get in and leave a note.

But yeah, super full on. And just as a fair warning, I thought I'd give a little bit. Now I'm going to go into more details of the tussle. Slavic actually spoke to her about it afterwards. And yeah, here's more details of the story. Slovak writes, for many people, the presence of an intruder brandishing a hammer in a darkened bedroom would prompt an entirely understandable response. They'd run. But Susan wasn't most people. An emergency room nurse for nearly 30 years, she'd disarmed injured men, helped crack open people's chest to perform heart massages, and administered IVs in patients thrashing from drug withdrawal. She and the other nurses at Providence trained regularly in self-defense. learning how to slip out of headlocks and clutches. Still, she had doubted herself.

Will I ever be able to remember this stuff? She wondered. Years of training steadied Susan, who was still wearing blue scrubs when she returned home that night. When her assailant came at her, Susan crowded him, knowing the swings of his weapon would have less force if she stayed close. What the fuck? She was thinking really clear and cleanly about...

Can I jump in for one second and just say how crazy it is that a bunch of nurses are getting self-defense training out of necessity to do their job as nurses. Oh, it's wild. I mean, yeah, and it is because people can be out of their mind in those situations for all sorts of different reasons. But yeah, it is, it's an awful. It can also be perfectly, mentally healthy family members start swinging. Yeah, just wild stuff. It's wild.

knows it. How amazing, though, because yeah, there is that point where you sort of go, it's great to be learning these things, but in an actual event, am I going to remember any of this? And it sounds like it really clicked in for her. Yeah, it's like muscle memory. His first blow landed on her left temple. She screamed loudly at him, who are you? What do you want?

But he didn't answer and he didn't stop. At 5'4, Susan was five inches shorter than the man in the. baseball cap. Wow. She had two bad knees from repeated injuries, but she outweighed her attacker significantly. Hoping to push him over, Susan says she slammed her body up against his. He didn't fall. Instead, he pushed Susan back against the pink-hued walls of her bedroom, and he uttered his only words for that whole night. You're strong, he said, which is kind of... creepy. The phrase sent surges of adrenaline through Susan and a terrible awakening. He is here to kill me, in that moment.

I don't know why. I don't know who he is, but his intent was clear. Susan responded by pushing him again. Who sent you? She demanded. She managed to wrestle the hammer from him, and she swung its claw three times,

maybe four, at his skull. He snatched the hammer back, so Susan grabbed his throat. Who sent you here? She asked again, hands squeezing his airway. The intruder's face turned red, then purple, then darker purple,

with a blue tinge. Susan spooked, she let go. Then she tried to flee. I don't know what I thought she says. I just had to get out of there. The man caught her as she ran from her bedroom into a narrow hallway. He spun her around again, punched her, splitting her lip. Oh my gosh.

He punched her again. She fell to the floor and the image she saw next haunts her. He was standing over me with the hammer, she says. I looked at the floor and I thought, I'm going to die today. She's. To this day, she's not sure how, but she managed to pull the man to the floor too. I got to get the hammer, she told herself.

She started to bite him, thinking that if she was going to die, her teeth marks would tie her death to him. Wrestling on the floor, she bit his arm, his flank, his thigh. Wow. She even bit through his zipper to his genitals. Like, she's just in full survival mode, but also, like, amazing.

be thinking like he's not going to get if he kills me he's not getting away with it i'm going to leave evidence on his body yeah um so obviously this is all taken a long stretch of time yeah and then while doing all this she was also uh searching through his pockets what looking for ID she could toss under her bed or chair or something for the more evidence for the police to find later she's thinking so much clearer than you would imagine imagine somebody in this situation. She's thinking, like, she's got four different trains of thoughts. Yeah, she's put her mind into different parts.

It's like a Guy Ritchie fight scene. Yes. In like Sherlock, you know, when he's like trying to think of a bunch of different things. He's doing the maths on this. Into the mine palace. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay, he's limping on that leg. Probably got an injury there.

Hit in there. Yeah, totally. Grat, ID, throw it under there. Remarkable and harrowing. But she was, she said she was, she could feel. that she was really, you know, flipping out kind of. She described it as, I was like a downed power line snapping on the pavement. Whoa, what an image.

Yeah. That's a beautiful metaphor. That's great. By this stage, the fighter lasted about 14 minutes. They were both wedged on their sides in the hallway outside of her bedroom. She threw her left leg over his body, climbed on top of him, and hooked her left arm around his neck. Tell me who sent you here, and I will call you.

you a fucking ambulance she yelled in his face. Oh my God. Yeah, it's like, I'll help you out, but I, yeah, crazy. It sounds, it's like two assassins in a Jason Bourne movie going at each other. It is just this, nurse. Not just this nurse. How old is she again? 51.

51 year old, five foot four lady who's been taken completely by surprise. I think this is why the patrons I was talking to like, you got to show a photo. Because she's like, unassuming, like she's behaving like an actor and a Guy Ritchie film. She looks like your favourite auntie. Yeah. You know, like. The photo you showed me briefly before, I was thinking she looks a bit like the mum in that 70 show. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just sort of big smile. Yeah. Lovely, friendly face. Yeah. She's 5'4. You'd approach her in a hospital and he'd expect her to be alright. Yes.

She'd be a capable, like a very proficient. You'd trust her, but she'd be friendly as well. And it sounds like that is like her entire personality until this night. Wow. She basically was, you know, the friendly, approachable person. And it was just really just because of necessity that she's had to go full badass mode. You never know how you'll react in situations like that. And you kind of hope you never have to find out.

That's incredible and so scary. So after she says, tell me who sent you, I'll call you a fucking ambulance. Apparently, he still, as we know, doesn't say another word, but he growls at her instead. Why, she's got the arm around the neck. She then leant forward, tightening her forearm against his throat, and he stopped moving. That's when she thinks, you know, this is when he went, he went,

stopped and she fled to the neighbours. After grabbing the hammer, goes to the neighbours, they call 911. Wow. When the police arrived, they found that the man was in fact dead. They also found a wallet with ID in his pocket and were able to identify him as Edward Dalton Hafey, a 59-year-old Vietnam vet. According to Slavic, Hafei, an autopsy would show, had a near lethal dose of cocaine in his system when he attacked Susan in her home. So he's also, you know, he's... He's hopped up.

Yeah. And she's beaten him on nothing. Yeah. Nothing more than a good haircut, which will lift you. Yeah. And after a day, like, this is the end of her day. Full shift done. Yeah.

Fuck. So it all points towards it being a drug-fueled burglary gone wrong. Of Hafei, the now deceased intruder. Wow. Slavic rights, relatives and friends told police he'd been raised in an upper middle class home and was an avid tennis player. Gotta be wary of these tennis players. Yeah, don't trust him.

Court record. Pickle ball, fine. Yeah. Tennis. Table tennis, fine. Fine. Big tennis. Big tennis.

Big trouble. Psychopaths. Yeah. Where do you stand on squash? Squash. That's an interesting one. That is an interesting one. Depends on what color dot on the little squash balls.

Yes. Because they are different. Mm. Red means dread. Yes. Yellow means good fellow. Right, so she's going through his pockets looking for the squash ball. Did you just come up with that?

Do you just fucking riff that? No, no. I don't know if people play squash and that's something they always say. Because that's really funny. And if somebody had just riffed that just now, I would genuinely be very impressed with that. No doubt. If I'd just come up with that, I'd come clean and say, what a great proud moment this is for me. Yes, but.

But no, it's a common phrase in squash community. And to be honest, before the show, Matt did take me aside and say three words, bring up squash. Matt just learnt this fun phrase and he's like, I've got to get this in there. Get it in. Please. Yeah, I don't know. There is the different colours made different sort of bounciness of the balls or something.

I didn't know that. I've never played squash. No. I think, I feel, and I don't think of myself as uncoordinated, but I feel too uncoordinated for squash. I don't know why. I've seen clips of it and it's confusing. Like, what? There's a lot going on here.

Yeah, it's too much. I think it's overstimulating. I can't do it. Yeah, dad used to play like once a week with my uncle Thursday nights. But you're looking back, you're like, was this just, where are you playing? Yeah. You go to the pub. We're just catching up.

It feels like, I think my parents used to play too. I think it had a big, like, heyday in the 80s. 80s, I think, yeah. It was really big for a while. Because you don't, don't hear of anyone playing it anymore. No. No, there's plenty of sports that are kind of very consistent, and then there's ones that have little remissons.

Pickle ball is definitely big at the moment. Yeah, that can't love. But our kids are going to be like, pickleball? That's so embarrassing. And cornhole? Yeah. I got an old mate who's like, he's on some sort of organizing committee of his local cornhole team or club. Yeah.

Cornholery. I don't mind the idea of it. But he lives way on the other side of town. It takes so long to get there. So he's always inviting himself. To play in a league, like it sounds like something you'd play once a year in a park maybe. Yeah, exactly. Or like a pub and the beer garden has it.

And you go, oh, yeah, we'll get that a play. Yeah. How hard could it be? Well, actually pretty hard. Oh, I don't want to play this anymore. Oh, I wasn't instantly good at it. Yeah. What else do you got?

That's my experience. Oh, drinking beer. I was instantly good at that. I'm incredibly good at that straight away. Yeah, just put it in my head. I never miss that hole. Well, I rarely miss that hole. Sometimes if I'm laughing and not looking at the glass.

Forget I was talking to you, both saying you miss the hole. All the time. Often a microphone goes on the hole instead. Yeah. And we got into that because he played tennis. And anyone who plays squash or cornhole if you're having fun, we love. I love it for you. So, yes, this is Slovak's still talking about Hafei, the intruder.

This is a tennis player, but also he was fucked. Court records revealed a gruesome crime 15 years earlier. On the 28th of February 1991, Hafei arranged the murder of his ex-girlfriend, 39-year-old Georgia Lee Dutton, and her decomposed body was later found along the umpqua river near roseberg he pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit aggravated murder on the 14th of march 994 and spent the next nine years in the eastern oregon correctional institution oh it's not that long it really does not sound like that long so for conspiracy yeah i guess maybe it was a plea deal or a yeah reduction so he didn't yeah far out oh

that's horrific so so we're feeling no sympathy i was going to say I think a big part of why I'm mentioning that is just so no one's going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She killed this innocent man who's, who knows, maybe he was just looking for a cup of sugar. Yeah. He's just a tennis player. Yeah. Lost.

Yeah. He went to the wrong house. No, he was a bad guy. Oh, that's awful. So the day after she was attacked, Susan, she obviously, she didn't feel comfortable staying there. She stayed elsewhere that night, but she went back. Did she get medical attention? Did somebody have a look at her?

Yeah. look at her. No, she's a nurse. She's like, she goes, man. She shook it off, you know, like a sports person. Yeah. Who's like the medicos are coming out. They're like shrug it off.

Yeah. I'm fine. Even though they're like, find out later that they're missing one of their lungs. They left it on the pitch. I left everything on the pitch, including my life. Including one of the lungs. And I, yeah,

I should have kept that. One of my favorite rugby players went off one time. He got, like it was a tackle that didn't land well. and he went off and we're like, I wonder if he'll come back on because he got to be cleared and he posted from hospital

that his jaw was broken. Oh, yeah. And he wasn't cleared? It was wide shut for a while after that. And then back on? And then he's back on. The full head, yeah. Do you really need your jaw open on the field?

Yeah, come on. No, come on, buddy. Probably better to keep it closed. Let's protect your teeth. Yeah. So, yeah, she doesn't stay at home that night. Fair. I'd never go back.

Yeah, would not return. Never be in there alone again. No. But she goes back to collect some things. She goes with another friend, and that friend actually finds a backpack. Oh, shit. The cop somehow missed, but there was a backpack that turned out belonged to Edward Dalton, Hafey, the intruder. Yeah.

The bag contained multiple things. Some of them strange, but some of them important, including it contains. a container of Hershey's syrup, $200 in cash, diabetes pills. I feel like maybe they cancel out the syrup. And a diary with an entry for Monday the 4th of September marked Call Mike. But who was Mike? This was a couple days before the intrusion.

They're like, this seems important. Is this part of organizing the break? And what's going on here? and they started thinking, oh, could it be Susan's husband? Also named Mike. He's also Mike. Also Mike. And he just happened to not be in the house that night.

Yeah, left an hour. I'm going away for the weekend. He couldn't sleep, though. Yeah. That's fair. Yep. So, yeah, so like, oh, could it have been that Mike? Then it seemed to be pointing that way when in another part of the bag,

there was an envelope, which had Mike's new phone number, his mobile number. Mike the husband. What are the chances? Yeah. Susan's a strange husband. Mike Kunhausen is looking like a guilty man. Like a bit of a Kunhausen.

So you should never trust husbands. That's what they do say. That is a big part of big numbers of these sort of crimes. So let's go back to how these two met. It was back in 1988 when Susan's mom and a friend got together and paid for an ad in the dating section of the local paper. There was a 65 word ad put in which described Susan as someone different as well as a single white female who was 33 years old. It was just his face to something different. I know.

What the fuck, ma'am? Yes. I don't know if it was, I'm like, it seems like maybe she was involved in writing it. I hope so. I didn't even think about that Because it's clear they paid for it But do they also write it? She's a bit different

Well this is... Yeah, old, obviously a spidster Yeah Well Not my cup of tea as her mother There's someone different I wouldn't spend time with her But you might enjoy her

It also wrote And imagine this is the mum writing it She is quote Overweight but not over life Yeah, if that's mum Mom, fuck right off. Come on, mum. But if that's Susan being, you know, a bit cheeky, self-deprecating, okay.

That's the other thing that's good. That's how I'd read it. Until you just put that in my head, I'm like, oh, that changes the bob. Someone a bit different. Yeah. But do you reckon overweight but not over life? That could still work as a Tinder little thing maybe. Yeah.

Yeah. If you're sort of like... This coming from a man who's never been on dating out. I know. That's why I kind of was sort of putting out there to the group. Because I know, I know you're going with a couple of root roads. Is this how it would work? Is that funny? Is that enough words?

Overweight, but not over life. And then a little cheeky look at the camera. That's, yeah, that is more of an earlier version of chunky slut, I think you'd say now. Yeah, now I'd refer to myself as chunky slut on the dating apps. But not over life. But I'm not over life. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, if your mum's just written that and put it in the newspaper without permission, a bit. Yeah, no, I get the feeling that I said where we're giving, gifting this to you, you can help write it. Let's go with that. That's more positive, okay. Yeah. It got a lot of replies, apparently, and one of them was Mike, who ended up, they ended up having a long phone relationship at first, but his first reply said, hi different.

My name is Mike. I'm a 39-year-old divorced white male. I enjoy most things in nature from wandering in the ape caves at Mount St. Helens to walking on the beach at sunset. That's like a cliché thing Walking on the beach at sunset It's so funny that that is A cliche because people did write

It's worked long walks on the beach But it's also like What we would call basic now And basic is also just universally enjoyed Sunsets on a beach That's just lovely Yeah of course But that's also it's like

Why bother riding it? Yeah true, yeah I breathe oxygen Do you? What are you into? Oh fun Yeah I eat a couple of times a day

What do you reckon of that? What are your hobbies? Oh, hanging out with friends. Yeah. Sleeping in a bed. Showering in a shower. I'm pooping in a toilet. She's like, oh, I don't do that one.

Oh, no. I'm an outsider. No, I poop in the shower. It's easy. Just have a shower. Wash it away. I don't need all your rules, man. I'm here to live my life.

I do like the sound of ape cave. Yeah. I thought, it's on the list. You guys would enjoy that. So, um, they spoke. She reckons they spoke for up to a hundred hours all up on the phone before finally meeting. Do you reckon we've spoken for 100 hours? On the phone?

No. I wouldn't have spoken for 100 hours on the phone in like, mate, yeah. Probably. Maybe mum. Mom's the only person I have conversations on the phone. Well, what about back in the day when you used to get free calls to certain mobile numbers for 15 minutes at a time? And you'd set your timer. And at 14 minutes 30, you'd say, I'll call you back.

Yeah. I would say I haven't done 100. hours in total in the last 20 years. Yeah, great. And even then, the friends that I would call on the landline, for example, yes, we'd talk for ages, but, like, they were friends in primary school and high school, and I don't talk to them anymore. So it's a short window of a lot of hours.

To try and get to 100 as a lot. Exactly. I reckon my best chance would be mum. Yeah, and, you know, other people trying to use the internet, Jess. Yeah, exactly. Me! Oh, I've got to go. Dad's checking his emails.

A lot of Fords. Too many. So, yeah, they speak a lot, but eventually they meet. Apparently he's lovely and things go so well that within a year they drive to Reno, Nevada to marry. All the best people get married in Nevada. It's the biggest little city in the world. Is that true? I think that's on the Reno sign.

So, Slovak writes, Mike liked to play the slots. And Susan figured there was no bigger gamble in life than marriage. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, you said he liked to play the slots. And I looked at Dave like this.

I thought you were doing moire. Yeah, it was like sluts. Oh, okay. Sounds a bit like you just said it in a funny way. Oh, okay, got you. You like to play the slots. I thought you would like a big pokies name. But weren't you saying that Aiden has a funny way of saying the slots?

Well, he said this. Have a slap at the pokies. I'd never heard that before in my life. And then he said it to our wedding photographer in Vegas. And she looked at me for translation and I was like, I can't help you. I know what the pokies are, even though they don't call them that there. But have a slap. I'd never heard him say.

The second we leave Australia, he dials up the Australian. You have a poke. Maybe it's a city He's a Sydney guy Maybe it's a Sydney thing Yeah, it's probably that He has a slap of the VIP lounge Yeah, that's right

I love how in Sydney All the pokies Are just called VIP Which is like a tiny little Usually a room attached to every part That anyone can go into It doesn't matter how I If you were a VI

Or just like all They had one at a Mexican restaurant I went to last year Just a little VIP room of POA I'd never thought about that Anyway Just for the VIP So she's like

yeah, what, you know, marriage is a gamble. That's not incorrect. And they're going on these lovely walks, like you're talking about at sunset on the beach. She's 33. It's like, well, if somebody's finally interested. Yeah, if not now. Yeah, it won't happen again. Lock it down.

So, he does. I got married at 33. Yeah, I'm like, I'm just a new listener is just has done a little self-depecation. I was a child bride. It was old back then. Now it's very young to get married. So true. But things sound very quickly.

Oh, no. And he was not a happy man. Apparently never really had been and only decided to reveal that to her after tying the knot. See, I mean, you said they'd been married for 18 years. I was hoping, like, 16 of that had been really nice and then they'd estranged. Sadly not. Oh, that sucks.

Apparently, yeah, he started to reveal to him. He's like, I'm not happy. Yeah, life sucks. It's like, why have you done, why have you brought me into this? He tricked me into this, yeah. Susan says, it wasn't very long after we got married that there was no more hiking, no more getting out. His life's philosophy was, life is a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite until you die. Jesus.

Yuck! I love a winch and a bit of a wallow. Yeah. But then you pick yourself back up, you know. Oh, yuck. What an absolute drain. And out you go, oh, I've just locked into this. Yeah.

Mike got a job as a janitorial supervisor for fantasy adult video. Oh. Oh, no. What? I don't want to clean that up. He's the janitor for pornos? Well, he's a janitorial supervisor. Yeah, so he's directing the others to clean it up.

Get in there. But I think it's more of a retail store. Oh. I don't know. That's why I was assuming. Should we Google or do we think that's going to end up? That's going to... What's it called?

Fantasy adult video. I felt like I didn't need to Google it. It just felt like it was probably what it sounds like. I thought it was just like a production company. You might be right. He's the cleaner on set. You might be. And obviously, someone's going to clean it up.

I'm just saying that for a guy who's already not having a great time and he's shit sandwich, that doesn't sound like a very fun job. Yeah, true. It is bringing up porn. I wouldn't. I wouldn't be having as like a children's entertainer or something as well. Yeah, but, okay. You know.

That's also a messy job. Yeah, look, you did it. Honestly, there's a bit of vomit involved. Okay. Or like every time? No, not every time. But it is like, you know, you get like. Excited.

Kids running around and eating a lot of. Yeah. And like melted chocolate and you just sort of, yeah. It's a ticking time bomb. Yeah. Like sauce. A lot of sauce. Did you?

Mostly it just brought up a bunch of porn sites. Because fantasy adult video... Maybe you're right. And then I tried fantasy adult video company. And still, it was just a porn site. This is probably early 90s or something. It might not still be going. True.

And if it's available, we should register. That's a good name. Apparently, he just sent, you know, like the stereotypical nightmare husband, overly jealous, suspicious about everything she did. Slavic rights. Mike who chain smoked while guzzling diet coax, hounded Susan about her plans when she went out. He watched her spending and complained about minor purchases.

17 years into their marriage, Susan had had enough. If she tried to kiss him, he'd burp. Ew. I cared about him, she said, but I didn't want to live with him anymore. I wanted to be happy again. So this is a year before the attack. The attack. She's put up with her for 17 years.

Yeah, and she's like, and he's burps when she tries to kick. Like, she's still obviously trying. I mean, this is all from her side of the story. And you hope that there's, like, maybe some good times in there as well, but it sounds like just general unhappiness and yuck. And she seems so nice. I know. You deserve so much better.

In September of 2005, she kicked him out of the house. He moved into his father's home. But she, like we were talking about, she never changed the lock. So I was still friendly. he knew the security code, for instance, which he needed to, we knew that because he got into leave a note. So I guess that makes more sense of why he's left a note.

If he's not living there, that's just him letting her know. Yes, but if they both had mobile phones, he could have texted her. It's not weird to drop by when someone's not there to tell them that you're not going to be there. Yeah, it is a little weird. You know, you're imagining like if there's a pet he's stopped up by to feed

or pick something up and you just leave it. Maybe. But yeah, it is a bit strange to be like, well, I've got to let Susan know I'm going out of town for a few days, so I'll go over. Yeah, drive over there. He's not even living there. Yeah. I'll leave a note rather than a phone call or like, even if they didn't have mobile phones, they probably had an answering machine. Leave a message on the machine.

So it's so obviously setting up an alibi for himself. All very suss. And it just meant all evidence like the cops, they've got his number in the intruder's backpack. Yeah. Everything's point towards him. And even Susan apparently thought maybe, you know, she thought, maybe that is the case. Maybe when she's asking the intruder, who sent you?

Part of her was thinking, was it Mike? Who sent you? Now, when the 911 dispatcher asked her if the intruder was alone, her neighbor replied, did he have anybody with him? No. She expressed a concern. It may have been her ex-partner who sent the person, though. So she was...

Immediately. And that's on the record of the... Shit. Yeah, so she was obviously... She's thinking it. Yeah. In one of her many trains of thought. That's awful.

Yeah. But... And they had been separated for a year. He was an awful husband. But they were still on friendly terms, according to, for all that's interesting, and the fantastically named writer, Kara Goldfarb.

Oh my God. God, Goldfarb, incredible stuff. I've never heard of gold fub before, but I love it. Better than silver fub. Big time. Definitely is. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it is big time. Number one for me. Platinum fab. I think gold fabs even better than that. Yeah. Yeah. When the police caught up, they were looking for him for a little while, but they found Mike Kuhnhausen.

He told them, quote, you're not going to believe my side of the story. And the cop said, why is that? We haven't heard your side of the story. and Mike said, my side of the story is so fucking off the wall. Mike, shut up. Mike, go a lawyer. He definitely oversold his side of the story because he basically just gave them his alibi of being at the beach and also told him he didn't know anyone of the name Edward Dolan Haffey.

He never going to believe it, man. This is fucking crazy. In my head as well, like the cops have turned up to the beach house or whatever. And he's walked out and gone, you're not going to believe my side of the story. They're like, we haven't told you anything. Side of what story? You don't know why we're here. As far as we know, you don't know Susan was attacked.

You know what I mean? I don't know who that is. That guy was. I don't know who attacked Susan. Like, we didn't tell you Susan. I don't know about it. So, good day, officers. And they happen to just be cops, like going door to door to let them know about a raffle.

Oh, yeah. We might have to look into this. What was your full name? Sorry, yeah. I don't know, officer. Oh, geez. It's crazy. But yeah, so, but you're so fucking off the wall.

You're not going to believe it. I've been at the beach. And I don't know. Sorry, I'll give you a moment to process that wild information. You should have seen how big the wave was. You'll never believe. You'll never believe it. I tried to get a photo.

Wave went away. Well, so come back. I'll be waiting. So he said, I don't even know the guy. How could I be involved in this? Makes no sense. But was this true? Well, as discussed, Hafei was convicted of conspiracy to commit aggravated murder of his ex-girlfriend,

and after spending nine years behind bars, he was released on the 3rd of November 2003. Once out, he moved to Portland, where he found a job as a cleaner at Fantasy Adult Video. Really? Doesn't even know the guy. Which is extra interesting, because the man who hired him was Mike Coonhausen. And there's, like, records of this on the employment. But I don't know him. I've never met him, never even been in the same room as him,

not to conduct an interview, not to do onboarding paperwork, and I certainly didn't train him. Okay. That's a wild thing for you to infer, officer. What are you, why you can jump into these conclusions? Yeah.

What an idiot. Yeah, I think you, yeah. A monster. Yes. And also a dumb one. You know, some of these guys, some of these murderers we've talked about on the pod, you go, that's clever.

That's scary how clever they are. This one, you're like, it's scary how fucking dumb you are. As it turned out when the police arrested him and he told him all this stuff, they already knew the connection. So he's gone, I've never heard of that guy. And they said, well, here's some files of you hiring him. And when he was confronted with those records later, proving that he knew Hafe, he changed the story saying, I didn't do it.

Just because I know the guy doesn't mean I did anything. because it changed. It's pretty smooth switch. Yeah. It's starting to get pretty off the wall. This is getting a little bit wild. But evidence was stacking up. Firstly, there were no signs of force entry into her home.

This burglar is just somehow what guessed the security code or security record showed the alarm had been disabled while she was at work. Mike explained this was just because he'd been there. dropping off a note about his alibi. I mean, about his... My beach trip. I've been sleeping. I need to go to the beach to sleep. I need to go to the beach to have an alibi.

I mean, a... A nap. A nap. Go. Have a nap. That's one of my favorite sounds he makes. The fuck. Yeah, is like a, is a frustrated...

Like, frash. It makes me laugh so much every time. I just don't have felt a little bit like Joe Pesci and Home Alone. Yeah. Fucking, chicken. Fricket. Fricket. Apparently, he wanted to give the energy of swearing, but he wasn't allowed to really swear.

So he created this. Fish, check a fracketit. That sounds like swearing. God, Joe Pesci's good. He's a good. His last name means fish. I did not know that. So people who are pescatarians love the work of Joe Pesci.

They love who Peshkotarian. Peshkotarian. I'm a Peshkittarian. So, yeah. So he. he's like, no, you can explain why I'd been there, turned off the alarm, I was dropping off a note. On top of this, Slavic rights, financial record showed that on the day of the attack, Mike drove his gold dodged neon to the coast, checking into the Lincoln City Inn with a credit

card that afternoon. He returned to Portland that night, then spent $339 on a Taurus 357 Magnum revolver at the silver lining pawn shop on northeast sandy boulevard the next day so obviously he's buying things with his own credit card leaving a paper trail the whole way he's left for one afternoon like one night no an afternoon he came back that night did you say yeah and prove and prove what the fuck was the point of that proved well he's like i'm staying at this hotel i guess which is the the idea i'm just going to the beach but but you didn't stay which i think it just proves that he was there but if you're going to do that you can't come back and buy the weapon or buy a weapon with your card back in town.

Yes. You can't buy anything with your card in town. Oh, that's a really good point. No, stay at the beach and buy some things around there. Yes, buy some fucking sunscreen or something. What an idiot. What an idiot. So then two days after the attack on the 8th of September, he left a suicide note at his father's house.

quote, all I ever wanted to, all I ever wanted was to be loved and every time I had it, I fucked it up. But it seems like the note was probably just a ruse to buy him time because he fled again. But within a week, he was arrested, which is what we're talking about before. What was his motive apart from being a dead set cunt? We've got to talk about his name also. Is it Cunthausen? Is that his name? I mean, you could probably pronounce it that way.

It's, do you want to spell it? K-U-H-N-H-A-U-S-E-N. I've been pronouncing Kuhn-H-H-H-H-H-H-A-U-S-E-N. Okay, I was thinking that maybe it probably translates. Probably. Yeah. So, Mike, can I have a guess at Motive? Yeah.

Well, my first thing is like, well, she's in the house. Mm-hmm. And he's not at the house. So my thing is he probably wants the house. All right, you got it. There's a money, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's nearly always money. Yeah, but it was really just the house.

Oh, well done. Because he just lost his job a couple weeks earlier, and this was his grand plan. Have his wife killed, and then he's just got a house to live in. Because he knew that she had an insurance policy on her life, but that was the money would be going to her brother. So he knew he wasn't going to get that, but he would have got the house, which had been paid off and was valued around 300 grand.

And apparently, according to Goldfarb, he promised Hafey 50 grand if he would kill Susan and make it seem like a burglary that had taken a dark turn when she came, like she interrupted him. He eventually pleaded guilty in exchange for a reduced 10-year sentence. But apparently in his life, letters and stuff, he sort of backtracked and he's like, oh, I only, I wasn't, I didn't do it. I just said I did it to get a lesser sentence. So he never really gave the full closure in a way.

You fucking prick. The day after he admitted his guilt, was arrested and stuff, Susan filed for divorce and changed her name to Susan Walters. That would, yeah, that would be the final clincher, I reckon in, Getting that paperwork going for the divorce. Yes. And there was more evidence anyway. Like, there's no doubt that this is, that he did it.

Slavic writes, on the 18th of September, a former cellmate of Hafe's contacted the police saying Hayfey had asked him to join a burglary for an insurance scam. And he and Haifie met a guy and it was, he pointed out, he's like, yeah, that's the guy, Mike Coonhousin, who told the man he'd pay five grand if he helped Haifie kill his wife. The man said, the criminal man said, I'm not doing that. Then on the 17th November, another witness told police he'd driven Hafie to meet a bald man in the parking lot of an

Appleby's near Interstate 205. Days after that, he saw the man's picture in the news after Susan's attack, and it was Mike. Wow. So there's like just, he was telling random criminals of his plan. They've come forward and corroborated the story. He's not a smart man. No. So he ended up pleading guilty 30th of August 2007. And yeah, like I said, it was part of the deal. And the sentence was pretty short. His release was set for September 2014, only seven years later. Faring he would come for her once again after his release.

She was obviously just super messed up by the whole thing. Oh, my God, yes, yeah. But yeah, she's like, worried. She's like, he's going to come and try and finish the job once he's out in seven short years. So she prepared herself. This is where you sort of cue that some sort of badass montage. She moved to a new home, which was surrounded by gravel, so that she could hear footsteps of anyone approaching. She also practiced her aim at a local shooting range saying, if he comes here, he's not going to get close enough to hurt me. Real badass, but obviously,

She's this fun loving woman, and it's such a sad story as well. Just living with the trauma of it all. Slavic writes, once bubbly and adventurous, the new Susan felt like a broken plate glued back together. That's Susan's words. She sat in restaurants where she could see the door. She switched driving routes. She circled the block if she thought someone might be following her. And she later said, I'm doing a life sentence for picking a bad husband.

Oh. It's like when I said before, it's like a Jason-born assassin. She's had to live a life like that now. Always watching her back, changing route. I really hope there's some sort of positive ending here, and I wish you luck, Matt, because this is awful. Well, I'll... Somewhat uplifting, you know?

Well, uplifting. Just say it in an uplifting voice. So this is all in fear that he's going to come after after she dies. But in the end, she didn't have to worry about that, because he died of cancer, 92 days short of his release. He said it in an uplifting way. He did exactly as I asked. He was the brief.

That was what you asked for. Yes, no. But yeah, just sort of a bit of a wrap up. I think this is maybe a little bit of a positive, not a positive, but the hit man's family, Hafei later contacted Susan writing. Although this was a terrible thing that happened, no one in this family has any had feelings towards you. You did what you were forced to do. And in doing so, you spared many from the same trauma you experienced. Wow. Which obviously, you know, that's the, like, it would be

crazy for that family. You'd be like, how dare you kill? But still, it is like a, well, grief makes you act weird sometimes. But yeah, that's, that's a nice thing for them to have done. And hopefully gave her a little bit of peace. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. So she says, like, she feels weird feelings about the whole thing, but she says, I didn't choose his death, I chose my life. Oh. And that's powerful. Goldfarb writes, she's now an outspoken advocate for domestic violence of ours.

So she's turned it into a positive thing. It's got away with words, doesn't she? The imagery of being like a snap. The broken plate, put back together. Yeah, that's right. Really powerful. So, yeah, that is the story of how badass nurse Susan Walters killed the hitman sent to murder her. Wow.

What a story. I think, I don't know if I'd seen it in the hat. It was only suggested by one person. I feel like I'd seen it and maybe done a really quick Google a long time ago. So I was sort of like, oh, this story is vaguely familiar maybe, but I did not know any of the details. And it's wilder than I imagined. Wow. Yeah, just, yeah, I just find her very inspiring and fucking...

Really badass. Yeah, like to, like it's an awful story, but it's just kind of amazing that someone reacts to such an awful situation with just like, like she's a sleeper cell or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. amazing. What a story of survival. And those self-defense instincts kicking in is wild. Yeah, because she overpowered him twice. Yeah. Like, had him in the chokehold. And you know that he was

sort of like, well, this is a walk in the park. She's just this tiny little nurse. Yeah. 50 year old woman, easy peasy. And she, she really put up a fight. Yeah, to the point that he, like him, his only words were, geez, you're strong. Yeah. Like a, yeah. Yeah, fucking full on. Yeah, full on, but what a story. Yeah, I'd never heard of that. That's so amazing. Well, that brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show

where we thank some of our great supporters. If you want to be one of these supporters, go to patreon.com slash do you go on pod. There's a bunch of different levels. It should all be pretty well explained on there, but some levels you get bonus episodes every Sunday or four Sundays each month. You also get to vote on topics.

You get access to the Facebook group for patrons. You get, what else is there? You get early and discounted live tickets. Yep. Add free episodes and video episodes. Yeah, watch the full videos now. Yeah, was that one videoed? This one's videoed.

So we're on video right now? We're on video right now. We're inside a video? Yes. Bloody hell. I know. That's wild. Pretty crazy stuff.

Like in now Willy Wonka when the kid goes in the TV. It's like that, I think. I don't fully understand what podcasting is. Do you think I'm looking, do I look okay? You look gorgeous. Yeah, stuff it. I won't. You look absolutely beautiful.

You're glowing. I shan't stop. I'm wearing your old hat. Yeah. That's what, it's really bringing out your eyes. Yeah, okay. So yeah, there's heaps of stuff. And it really is such a lovely community, which I appreciate.

all the time. So. Why don't you think Dave and I don't appreciate it? As do we all? I appreciate it most of the time. Well, I can only, I only feel like I can speak for myself. That's fair. Thank you.

So if you wanted to jump in, Dave and... Okay, I'll speak for Jess. She appreciates it most of the time. Okay. Yeah. And you? No comment. No, I plead the fifth.

No, I love them all. Thank you for supporting the show. So, the first thing we like to do, Because this is the end of the episodes we spent a little time just to show our appreciation for our great supporters. The first thing we like to do is a section of a show called fact quote or question, which actually has a jingle. It goes something like this. Fact quote or question. He always remembers the ding.

She always remembers the thing. It's a very quiet ding. I remember the ing. And the way this works is people on the Sydney-Shaunberg level or above of our patron, they get to give us a fact. quote or a question or a bragger or a suggestion or really whatever they like. They also get to give themselves a title. I don't read them out till I read them out on the show. That's just me sort of giving you a little bit of an asterisk here saying if it's crook,

I haven't pre-vetted it. That's on the person submitting it and also AJ if he's left it in the edit. And on the person for listening to the crookery. Oh yes. That's right. You know, doesn't it, you know, if a tree falls in the woods in a gross way and no one hears it, did it really, you know? So the...

Yeah, makes you think. The first one comes from Tamara Potts, aka facilitator of Orshuck's moments. Ooh. And this one has been filed under praise. Do we have... Okay, love this. This may be the first praise.

Maybe the first praise. I love the praise. Tomorrow writes, prepare to be bombarded with love. Oh, no, it's for us. Here are some things I admire about you all. Oh, my gosh. I don't like praise for me.

Oh, well, should I save yours for last then? No, get it out of the way. Jess, you are a legit, excellent storyteller. I'm always on the edge of my seat when you do a tense topic. Also, I love how easy going you are. You put up with some absolute bullshit sometimes. Come on, boys, it's true. And you just roll with it.

It's so funny how people misunderstand what's going on. I'm not easygoing. Not at all. Oh, I love control. And I don't put up with your bullshit well. I get aggressive. No, take the compliment. Thank you.

That's really nice. Thank you. Tomorrow says, Matt, you're always being, you're always keen to hang out and chill with anyone. You have the top personality that makes people feel happy to be around you. I don't think I know anyone as genuinely kind as you. Oh, bloody hell. No, I've met kinder.

Not even in the top ten. We do not take these sort of things well tomorrow. But now, I'm not taking it well for you. You didn't take it well for me either, to be fair. I like it because you were able to do it so I didn't have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if we just sat here and... Just took it.

Sincerely read out compliments to ourselves, and... It might be the end of the podcast. Dave would be able to do it. Yeah, Dave will be able to do it. Yeah, here we go. Come on. The thing about Dave is to be like, yep, yep, what else you got? Correct, correct.

But what about this? But you forgot how beautiful I am. You forgot my allocution. To Mara writes, Dave, you are so quick-witted. Yes. The call-back jokes you make a lightning fast. That's true. And the confidence, you let nothing get you down.

I'm in awe. Thank you so much. It's actually very true. I hate to admit that. That's true. And Matt, you obviously, you are very lovely But I am not easygoing Would you agree?

I'm not easygoing. I think nine times out of ten you are. In a general sense, you do put up with the bullshit. And we give you a lot. Yeah, but I give so much more. I don't know, I think it's pretty evenly spread. Yeah, we're a good team.

But yeah, there are times where I'm like, okay, Jess is not taking the bullshit today. I will turn it down a little. But that's very nice to write in some nice things. We appreciate that. Yeah, it makes everybody a bit squirmy, just reading praise about themselves. Apart from Dave, but.

Like, you know, like reading it privately, you go, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this is like, bleh-re-la-h. That's very sweet, though. Thank you so much, tomorrow. And, yeah, do you regard you would have met tomorrow at the Perth shows?

Oh, yes. written a bunch of books. Yeah, that's a very successful author. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Thank you so much, Tamara. Thank you. That's lovely. Always a pleasure to hang with you.

Now, the next one comes from Stephen Edmonds, aka objector to the character limit. There was a really, really long, fact, quarter question, which a while, a few years ago, and we had to put in a game. I think we decided it best to put a character limit, just so people knew, you know.

I think the character limit is, still quite long. It is. I think the entry was longer than the report Matt read today. Right. By some margin. Yeah.

So I think it was just like a, you know, I'm like that. I'll keep writing. It's good to have a cap. But Stephen disagrees. Let's see what Stephen says. With a fact,

question mark. Writing. Due to the recently introduced character limit, my previous fact quote a question about the Yarra River had to be trimmed down to remove a number of tangential trivia tidbits.

I'm now going to submit my entire mini report across multiple fat quote and questions submissions. That says you're right. I respect that hustle. Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph, paragraph dots. Chapter one, colon, paragraph, paragraph, paragraph, just kidding. Next up will be a recipe. That's funny.

That's good stuff. I was trapping in. Yeah, I'm like, okay. I'm going to be an expert on the Yarra. Yeah. I was also like, oh no, I'm not going to remember this way. next time. Totally.

You know the fun things you learn on like, you do a walking tour in a new city on holiday or something? You go on one of those hop-on hop-off buses and you learn things. Sometimes I'm like, I know nothing about Melbourne. And I live very close to the Yarra. And I don't know anything about it. The beautiful, the mighty Yarra.

I should know more about the Yarra. Yeah. Should we go do a walking tour of the Yarra? Yes. I think we should. It's the best way to explore the Yarra. On foot. Which I do, frequently.

But I don't know what it. I just know it's a river. I know it's pretty long, I guess. Who put it there? Where are you from? Who are you? Who are you? What's going on?

What's Yarra? Mm. So much to learn. So much to learn. Final one this week comes from Jocelyn Kravitz, aka aspiring optimist. Oh. With a quote. Maybe Susan's husband Mike could have learned a thing or two.

He was a real fucking negative Nelly, wasn't he? She's just no sort of redeeming anything. His life's a shit sandwich. I just don't understand. Why did he? I don't know what. Yeah. You're just a drain on everyone around you,

but also yourself when you have that kind of shitty attitude. And also ruins the good name of sandwiches. Yeah, don't. Sandwiches are fantastic. They're easy to eat? Yes. Easy to travel with? A lot of variety.

Yes. But whatever you want in there. Exactly. Just find one that works for you. It doesn't have to do shit. I'd say it almost shouldn't be. No, I think that's one of few things. I'd say, don't put it in a sandwich.

Step one, find some fresh ingredients. And not that kind of fresh and gritty. Step one, find something edible. So the Jocelyn Kravitz quote is, Everything will be fine in the end. If it isn't fine, it isn't the end. Very reassuring words from Maxine Gray, played by the inimitable time daily on judging Amy.

And then there's another one here. If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course. on where you stop your story. A similar but less reassuring quote from Orson Wells. Ah. Love it. Thank you so much, Jocelyn. That's good stuff.

Jocelyn's Stephen and Tamara. All fantastic facts, quotes and questions there. We appreciate you. Now, Jess, we normally play a little game as we shout out some of our other great Patreon supporters on the shoutout level or above. Yep. What do you think in?

Well, a heavy topic. I might go for, where they've gone for the night. Instead of the beat. That's really good. You know what I mean? That's really good. And not for alibi reasons.

Not for alibi reasons. Just for get away. Where are they? Yeah, just to get away. Where are they? All right. Fantastic. You know, keep it at light.

I want to, can I say the way they've gone? Absolutely. I will do where people are from. David, we're going to read some names? Absolutely. I'd love to do that. Okay, here we go. Matt, clear the brain.

Okay. Empty that mind palace. Yep. Move that last bit of furniture out. Sorry, can just see one tissue is still left on the corner of the living room in the Mine Palace. Oh, yeah. By the Shays Lounge?

Yes. Well, okay, well, if the Shays Lounge is still in there, you haven't cleared out of the Mineshouse. Oh, no, okay, could have taken of the Shays Lounge. Yeah. Put the tissue on the Shays Lounge. Oh, no, I just took the Shays Lounds and that uncovereded a smaller Shays Lounge. Oh, I forgot we bought that. I was wondering where we put that.

I forgot we bought the babushka of Shays Loungeers. Oh, that's going to take ages. Okay. First up, we would love to thank from Sacramento in California. It's Kelly. A Mackey Go on to see Those mighty Sacramento

Kings for the night Oh! Are they still in the NBA? Well, potentially had to time travel to say I don't think

anyone knows if they still exists as a franchise or not. I see. Who could say in 26? Who could say?

Yeah, except that they definitely are. Next up from location I know and we can only assume and do within the fortress of the moles.

It's Tim. Oh, I said the name. Sorry, Dave. Go ahead. No, no, Tim is great. Say Tim.

Tim, T-I-M. Tim went to one of those 12 months of the year Christmas warehouses. Oh, that'd be fun. A lot of great bargains to find at this time of year. And jolly. I imagine it would be quite jolly. Oh, so jolly.

That's nice. People who work there are a bit over it, but... You know, they're good actors. Yeah. Well, they try to be. Next up from O'Halloran Hill in South Australia. Went to Who?

Who? Perry Bede went there. Perry B or Perry Bed? Perry B just B. Perry B went to You actually say me because I was going to say something awful then. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Perry B went to the nearest national park and climbed a tallest tree. Oh, that's fun. When's the last time you climbed a tree, you know? I can't even think. feel young and free again. And then go, fuck, how do I get down?

Oh, my knees hurt. Oh, no, this was a mistake. Get a ladder. Chloe Tree is hard. Next up from Rockingham in Western Australia. Justin Gregg. Two Gs. Justin Greggs.

Justin Gregg. Justin with a Ging. Justin Gugston Gugton. Gugsten Gagg. Greg. Justin Gugger. Went to the Ben and Jerry's ice cream factory. and was able to design their own new flavor.

Greg is good Greg Agarbo. Wow. And, yeah, it was very Hollywood, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I do. I do know what you mean. Oh, yeah. Another person from Unknown, so deep within the Fortress of the Moles. It's Alex Lemaise or Alex Lemaez.

Alex Lameez went to the musical. Phantom of the Opera Phantom of the Opera A good one The Phantom of the Opera It's a great one Inside your heart Peter Harvey Camera

Nailed it Another person from The Fortress of the Moles We've got Dylan Culliford Dylan Culliford Dylan Culliford went to What's that

That big weird A rich politician in Australia Clive Palmer Went to Clive Palmer She said which one Went to Clive Palmer's Take your pick, mate Titanic 2

In this world he actually made that Or he made of an exact replica of Titanic That is one of his Wild schemes that he's been talking about Yeah Next up from Glenelg North in South Australia. Say it backwards.

Glenelg. What? Well, it would be Hottom Glanelg, but... Hoten. I live in Hotton, Glenelg. And living in Hotton, Glenelg, it's Bonnie. And Bonnie went to my Adelaide Friends show with Surin. Oh, what a great choice for a night out, Bonnie.

Are there many dates that Bonnie could choose from? Oh, my God. Is this episode coming out before or after that? Probably before. Well, fantastic. Then, yeah, there's probably, yeah, some availabilities there. Matt Stewart is my name. And Serend Jiamana present Stern Jiamana and Matt Stewart.

That's good stuff. Featuring Matt Stewart and Seren Jiamana. I think that's what the post says. That's funny. That's funny. No, that's the easy thing. That's undeniably funny. What people don't understand is, you know, people,

you've got to try and have fun sometimes. times. Yes. The choice of topic today, I know some would say, including me, maybe too dark to have done. But, well, yeah, it was harrowing, but also kind of amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And obviously it's a story of survival. Yeah.

Look, as you spiraling, Matt, let me save you and say that your show was last week. So, don't worry about spiraling. I feel like by spiraling a little, you've brought some of the furniture. you back into the mine palace. We have a couple more people to think, I need you to clear out that mine palace. Sweeping out the tiniest little chaise lounge. Take a big, deep breath and be ready.

How do you say it? You've just found a poster for your show for the Melbourne Comedy Festival. We can still see Matt and Surrent. Yeah, drive-ovs from Glenhouse. No worries at all. Okay, but now just clean that poster out. It's a beautiful poster.

From Glass House Mountains. Oh my gosh, I don't know it, but... Immediately Googling in Queensland. It's your mum's hairy. dot dot dot dot dot dot Okay Your mum Actually

jumped in a time machine as well Went back to a live taping Of the ABC's Friday night show The Glass House I spoke with Annison With Corinne Grant And Dave Hughes

Fantastic show I just go to Glasshouse mountains That looks fucking sick That sounds amazing It looks so beautiful It actually somehow is more beautiful Than you're imagining Yeah it's really gorgeous

I doubt that Show him the photo, Jess. I know your amount. Your imagination could not even get close to that. You're not powerful enough. You don't have enough. The colours are fantastic. That's right.

I was literally picturing glass houses. Oh, that's fair. And finally, from Denniston in New South Wales. Yeah, Winston. For real? From Dennison, it's Jack Seller. Jack Seller. Jack Seller.

Jack Seller. Jack Sala. Jack Sala. Jack Sala. Jack Sala. Went to. to a local market where he bought some magic beans

in exchange for a cow. Wow. Wait, was his name Jack? Yes. That is so funny. I'm like, I don't know how I've got here. It's so funny.

My head was feeling like on seller, market, someone who sells. And then I'm like, Jack floated back in my brain. I'm like, oh. Hang on. It's really beautiful to get it to see how it works.

Yeah. Very good stuff. Thank you to all those wonderful people. Yeah, we appreciate you so, so much again, to Jack. Your mum's hairy, Bonnie, Dylan, Alex, Justin Perry, Tim and Calh. Did you say with my mum? Your mum's hairy, Bonnie, did you say? And what's the last thing we need to do then?

Triptage Club, Jess, and thanks so much for asking. This is where people who have been on the shout-out level or above for three straight years, they get inducted in to this. club, a special club, and there's just one inductee this week. Dave will explain it better than me. It's kind of what we call the Do Go On podcasting, Patreon Hall of Fame. There's people have been supporting the show like Matt said for a long, long time, and in exchange for that, we say, hey, why don't you come in and join our club?

Once you're in, you can never leave, but why would you want to? We have everything you need. Everything you need. I just rented the bathrooms. Exactly. Again. We've got dentists here. We've got dentists.

But you don't feel shit. Mm-hmm. Okay, we give you the good stuff every time. Yeah. You wake up and your teeth are good. Yeah. That's our guarantee. We can fix anything on you.

Anything. We've got plastic surgeons. Oh, we've got heaps of plastic surgeons. Yeah, because you're a bunch of ugly fuckers, but... Not anymore. That's what's we're done with you. I look great in there. Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much. My God. Also, there's a tattooist. Yeah. I'm covered now. Yeah. My face is covered. We've got really good PTs so you can get ripped.

I haven't used those. No, me either. Not in paradise. Other transport. Yeah. Yeah, we've got trams. We're the only place it has them. Yeah, we're the only theatre of the mind.

Yeah, exactly. The only afterlife with trams. So just one inductee this week. Before we get to them, I am sitting on the door, obviously. I'm about to lift the velvet rope. I've got one name on my list here. You're going to read them out. Dave's sitting on the stage hyping up the crowd, the big crowd of a thousand old people

already been inducted in. And he'll do a bit of weak wordplay based on their name to really hype up to the crowd. Just behind the bar. Have you got a cocktail this week? Well, I've got a special to cocktail, but it's only for Mike. Okay. Everybody else is just like normal open bar, everything we've always had usual. Like, really, I can make basically any cocktail you want or anything.

But I've just got a special drink for Mike and it's just a cup of poison. Okay, great. All you have to say is come up and say, um, hello, I'm Mike. There's a drink for me? Yes. Yeah. And I'll sort you out. Yeah, the special code word is you'll never believe my side of the story.

it's off the fucking wall. Yeah. And I'll just slide a little glass of poison to you. There you go. There you go. You absolute fuck hair. Yep. Now, Dave, is it true that you've booked a band?

You're never going to believe this. Why? Obviously, I answered the question at the start of the show, Lightning Fast. And you're wondering, how did I know that? How did you know? Because this week, I've been speaking to the management of Slater Kinney. Whoa. And they're here tonight.

Whoa. That's awesome. That's wild. What a coincidence. What a coincidence. That's really great. Dave, I think you'd enjoy their work. They're one of those bands that somehow I haven't really listened to,

but a lot of people who I have a similar appreciation for music love them, so I assume I'm going to like them. Yeah. And I'm going to find out now. They're live. Yeah. What better way to find out. Now, the one name, I'm going to read it out.

Dave, you're going to hype them up. Yes. You're ready to go? I'm so pumped. From Louisville, Kentucky. So please welcome in, Mosey on in. I'm fixing to let you in. I was looking up Kentucky slang lately in two of the terms of Mosey.

And fixing? I'm fixing for something. I like that. Please welcome in, Chris Sexton. Let's talk about Chris Baby. Let's talk about you and me. Yeah, go on in Chris Sexton. Woo!

Welcome in, make yourself at home. Please do not get that one special drink. That's for someone else. Yeah. But have you, feel free to have any others. Anything else. Anything else at all. And make yourself at home play some frozen air hockey or whatever you like.

Yep. Well, I think that brings us to the end of the episode. I think it does. Chris makes his way over the, geez, he's being carried. The crowd of loving the work of Chris Sexton. He's lit up the dance floor. He really has. Congratulations.

Look at those moves. Wow. I think he's going to be a really good addition to the club. Chris, save some for the rest of us. Now, I'm going to make a promise My next topic is going to be real light And I mean, I was on the edge of my seat the whole time Yeah, I mean, I tell you what

I wouldn't have told the story if it went the other way I just saw that in the hat like She killed the hit man, that's fucking sick But yeah, it was obviously harrowing Yes, absolutely But a story well told Thank you for sharing it Thanks, Papa

If you would like to suggest the topic you can There's a link in the show notes It's also on our website, just do you go onpod.com. And you can find us on social media. We post clips and TikToks and all that kind of stuff at DoGoOnPod or Do GoOn Podcast on TikTok. Hey. Sorry, I forgot to say, Boot This Baby Home. Oh, thank you.

Otherwise, you don't know when to speak. I was waiting. I was like, is there going to be a little bit more dramatic port? Jess is famous for dramatic polls. Dave, Boot this baby home. Thank you so much for listening to the show. We appreciate you so, so much. I mentioned Matt is doing a show with Surin at the Melbourne Intentional Comedy Festival.

coming up. And so all of us do go on and doing three live podcasts on Sundays except for Easter Sunday. That's the end of March to the first few weeks of April at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, downstairs at basement comedy club. These shows are always so, so fun. And you can get tickets now. There's a discount for a season pass. You can come to all three for a lot cheaper. But that's all I've got to say. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, goodbye. Later. Bye!

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