Do Go On - 545 - The Farcical Voyage of Russia's Baltic Fleet

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

The Japanese-Russo War began on the 8th of February 1904, needing something big to tip things in their favour, Russia sent their Baltic Fleet on an epic journey around the world. Things started badly, and got worse from there!This is a comedy/history podcast, the report begins at approximately 05:18 (though as always, we go off on tangents throughout the report).For all our important links: https://linktr.ee/dogoonpod Check out our other podcasts:Book Cheat: https://play.acast.com/s/book-cheatPrime Mates: https://play.acast.com/s/prime-mates/Listen Now: https://play.acast.com/s/listen-now/Who Knew It with Matt Stewart: https://play.acast.com/s/who-knew-it-with-matt-stewart/Jess Writes A Rom-Com: https://shows.acast.com/jess-writes-a-rom-comOur awesome theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and logo by Peader ThomasDo Go On acknowledges the traditional owners of the land we record on, the Wurundjeri people, in the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders, past and present. REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING:https://1870to1918.wordpress.com/2014/06/22/russo-japanese-war-the-18000-mile-voyage/https://www.hullwebs.co.uk/content/l-20c/disaster/dogger-bank/voyage-of-dammed.htmhttps://web.archive.org/web/20160316045400/https://hullwebs.co.uk//content/l-20c/disaster/dogger-bank/voyage-of-dammed.htmhttps://www.britannica.com/event/Russo-Japanese-Warhttps://www.warhistoryonline.com/history/bear-steams-east-russian-fleet.htmlhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzGqp3R4Mx4https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Mdi_Fh9_Ag Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenjai Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and as always I'm here with Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins.

Hello, I'm Jess. Hey, Jess, I'm Matt. And he's our friend Dave. Hey, Dave. Say hi to the listeners. Hi, everyone. Great to be here. It's so good to have the gang back together.

Yeah, after all this time apart. For 540-odd weeks in a row. That's right. We can't be stopped. The streak will not end. No. Never end. Do you think there's anybody you talk to more than us?

No. It would be rare. Myself? Yeah, true. There's the odd day, but usually the group chat has at least one message. Yeah. From me saying, where are you? What are you guys wearing?

He says this his outfit every day and he keeps asking us to do the same and we'll not do it. Come on. Come on, guys, let's match, he says. Three thousand outfits have sent you? Not one. Not one have you sent. Anyway, great to be here. Should I explain what the show is?

Please. What we do here, it do go on, is we send each other outfits, one of us us. And then, apart from that, we take it in terms of a report on a topic, often suggested to us by one of the listeners. We go away, we do a bit of research on it, we bring it back to the group in the form of a report. The other two people sit politely and listen. And it is Matt's turn to report this week. And we always start with a question to get us on the topic. Matt, do you have a question related to the topic?

I have a question. And I'm going to ask it to you two. When? Right now. Hands on buzzers. Glad I asked. Hands on buzzers. Okay.

Who did Japan enter a war against on the 8th of February 1904? It's an army. It's a country. China. Incorrect. Mm-hmm. Mexico. No.

Love the role, though. That's good. It's a big, big country. Okay. It looks big, it looks especially big on standard globe, but it's actually because of that thing.

It's small enough. Greenland. It's not Greenland. Antarctica. It's not Antarctica, but it is like an icy kind of country. Iceland. Mexico.

It starts with our. Rugby Union. No, it sounded like you're going to get it. Oh. Mexico This is going to be Infuriating Is it Russia?

It is Russia Jess Just gets in there Didn't buzz Didn't buzz And it wasn't Mexico No it was definitely not Mexico I've definitely heard that

About Greenland being way smaller Than it is because of the Makata map Yeah Is Russia also not I think Russia is also small Well am I wrong You can't say Russia's small It's smaller than it looks

Oh okay What's that map called? I think it's the Mercator, M-E-R-C-A-T-O-R. The Mercator projection significantly inflates the size of Russia due to its northern latitude. Oh, there you go. While it is the largest country, the projection distorts its size, making it appear much larger than it actually is compared to equatorial regions. Yeah, it makes it look larger than Africa,

but Africa is actually 78% larger than Russia. Cop that? Cop that. Like you're big, but, mate, come on. You're not Africa. Yeah, you're getting a little big for your boots, actually. Let's just remember Africa exists, mate. Okay.

Let's just remember Africa. That's just good advice. That's good advice. At any moment in time, let's just take a second to remember that Africa exists. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's your favourite country, isn't it?

Africa. A bit of fun there. All right, so yes, the story we're talking about today, takes place during the Russo-Japanese War, but I'm mainly talking about one part of it, but I'll give you some overview of the war as well. There's been suggested by a few people, including Will Cardello from Christianburg, Virginia,

Adrian Newman from Adelaide, Roy Phillips from Borumwood in the UK, Victor Jimeno de Manuel in Madrid, Cameron from Reno, Nevada, Tim Van der Luyde from Belgium, Mary from Phoenix, Arizona. Bryce from the Fortress of the Moles in brackets Canada. Bryce says, I heard about Dugo on from my brother, Cole.

If this gets picked, please say hi to Cole so that I don't need to get him a birthday present. Well, I hope, I mean, he wrote this years ago, hopefully. Yeah, but Cole will have a birthday every year. Oh, my God. And this is from all of us. Oh, yeah. Cole. Hi, Cole.

Happy birthday, Cole. Happy birthday, Cole. That's it. That's all you get. Okay, so I really didn't know anything about the Russo-Japanese War. Yeah, but a lot of suggestions, suggestors from around the world, they're very exciting. That's right. So it was fought, the war broadly was fought over the control of parts of East Asia,

especially Korea and Manchuria, with both the Russian and Japanese empires keen on expansion. In the years leading up to the conflict, both powers were growing their footprint in the region. In 1895, Japan defeated China in the first... Sino, is it Sino-asano-Japanese War? And as a result, they made gains in terms of territory influence and financial power. I think it's Kino. Keno. Stop watch win.

Okay. Is that the slogan for Kian? Do you remember, like, there was a very 80s and 90s ad, which, Keno's like a tats lotto. Yeah. How do you describe that? That's like one of the original. A lottery, yeah, yeah. And the ad would go, Kino do-do do, stop watch win.

And you don't remember that, the king of the ads. I don't remember. I remember, you know, we know, he know, he no, which is like he no trucks. I don't know if that were the words, but it was something like that. Anyway. The Kino, Hino war, whatever this war was. One territory that Japan gained after that 1895 defeat of China was the Liaodong Peninsula, which is a large peninsula located on the same.

southern coastline of Lian Dong province in modern day northeast in China, which give sort of, if you read between lines there, you realize China got it back eventually. Oh, it's spoilers. Great. He's pulling a Matt Stewart on himself, you know, when he's always like, oh, well, if we know what happened, then they must be alive. So we know China got back. Great.

What's the point? Okay. Is that what I say? Is that what I say? your mind? I'm like, what's the point of even going on? Oh, that's even before you've heard the report. It's not being more like, oh, that's great news. They survived. It's like, I think you hear it more negatively. Maybe in your hair.

Yeah, but out loud. You're like, what the fuck is the point of this? What's the point? There's no Jeopardy here at all. What are the stakes? Then you leave the room. That's not how you play Jeopardy. It would be, you say with the answer, not the question. not what are the stakes it would be I'm a meat that can be done well done or rare what is a meat that can be

what are the stakes anyway that was really clever stuff the peninsula the peninsula was home to an important strategic port then known as Port Arthur now known as Lusun

sorry for the spoiler Russia Germany and France they rename it as well Oh, it's not even known as Port Arthur anymore. A perfect name. Yeah, for a strategic port in modern day China. Oh, modern day? It's like, they get it back.

Great. This is the one already said that. I'm still annoyed at it. Okay. That's the spoiler. So the peninsula, home to Port Arthur. Japan gets it in the result of the war with China. That's how I've always said Japan.

Is that a spoiler of the... they changed their name from Japan to Japan. Japan. You don't have to hit the same syllable every time. I do. I always say Japan. Yes. So others didn't like it.

Some European powers were not keen on Japan controlling this port, especially in the peninsula in general. Russia, Germany and France all objected to it. And through diplomatic means, they pressured Japan to vacate it, saying if they didn't, it would cause instability in the region. It's like, guys, you got this thing. It's pretty good port. And I think if you had it, that would be bad for everyone.

And Japan bowed to the pressure. Oh. And on the 8th of November, that same year, they signed a treaty officially vacating the port. Sort of leaving it up, everyone can use it, I guess. This was an unpopular move with the Japanese public. They're like, we just fought for this. They're just like giving it up. And then they got, if they were annoyed before, they were furious when a couple of years later, Russia took it over.

One of the countries that pressured them to vacate it. Guys, it would be bad for stability for any one of us to have it. No, especially you. Especially you. Probably least bad me if I had it. In fact, actually, that gives the idea. Huh. That actually, yeah.

No, actually, it wouldn't be the least bad. It'd probably be the best. The best option, I think, I guess. I think we're moving. Sorry, we've, I'm just looking out there now. We've already half moved in. Sometimes you just don't know how good an idea is until you say that laugh. Yeah, that sounds going to ring to it.

I'm still working my way through. We didn't plan this. We didn't plan it, but it's just, it's worked out fortuitously. Russia's Port Arthur. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. I like that. Japan, Port Arthur?

Just doesn't quite worry. It doesn't like Japan. It doesn't work. That's about mouth feel. Yeah. Russia brought up. Okay. So they went in.

They signed a 25-year lease. I guess from Jealous Craig, one of the local realtors. Yeah. He signed 25 years. Like, whilst holding a machine gun? Yeah, maybe Japan gave it back to China at the time and then Russia released off them. Anyway, that's going to annoy people who know this story, even better than me. continuing to expand into East Asia, Russia then took occupation of Manchuria.

Manchuria is a large area which covers modern-day northeast China and also into the Russian Far East. And do they sign a lease on this one as well? Yeah, yeah, with blood, I think. Much like Russia pressured Japan to vacate the Liaodong Peninsula, Japan then pushed Russia to withdraw from Manchuria. Um, you know, they're like, you know, fair, cool. It's like, yeah, I think like what you were saying before, probably it's not good for the stability of the region. Yeah.

And Russia said, fuck off. I don't know. That would have said it in Russian, though. Yeah, they refused. And then in the early days of the 20th century, Japan began preparing for war. Japan ramped up the growth of their army. And in 1902, entered into an alliance with Great Britain. which will affect the story I'm about to tell you.

And they were, Britain were looking to temper the Russian expansion into East Asia. Then, in 1904, Japan broke off diplomatic ties to Russia before attacking their naval base at Port Arthur on the 8th of February. Russia was caught off guard, and in a crushing defeat, two of their battleships and a cruiser were sunk. Russia still maintain control of Port Arthur. Japan basically thought that were, once they won the battle,

they thought they would just go in and take it over, but they found that the Russians were still putting up a fight and they ended up turning into a siege, just like, we'll wait you out. You can't, yeah, you run out of food eventually. They haven't just like cruise on in, go to the real estate agent, sign their own lease. I think that's what they thought they were going to do, and they lost a lot of lives.

Like, the Russians had machine guns like, oh, okay. We thought we'd already won this. It does feel like that when you're dealing with real estate agents. Yeah. Jealous Craig's going to be the funniest of all of them, right? None of the other ones that sound like. Jealous Craig. Jealous Craig.

Yeah. I don't have thought about it. Me either. It was spelled for people that says, J-E-L-L-I-S. Jealous. But it sounds like jealous, Chris. Craig is jealous. Are you selling with Marshall White?

Oh, God, I'm going to make Craig very jealous. Oh, Craig is very jealous. Oh, guys, can't I be involved in that? I wanted to do that. I would have done a really good job. Shut up, Craig. No one ever wants me involved in their real estate dealings. Someone first.

Let's you call it Suki Craig. Yeah, Suki Craig. So, yeah, they, but Russia was still, they lost that battle. And then they were defeated for a second time. in the battle of the Yellow Sea. So they were losing some of their ships. They were on the back foot. Japan was sort of getting on top.

Do you know the... Do you know your thing of that sexually? No, no, no. My chair is just really slowly going down. Because you were laughing, I'm like, on top. I'm like, what could that... No, no, I wasn't listening to you at all. What could possibly be funny about that?

What could possibly be funny? Oh, Judge's probably thinking about sex again. I didn't hear it. thing you said because I just noticed I was slowly. You were picturing Japan. Been on top and fucking Russia into the... I've been really clear about what I was thinking about. This is what you were thinking.

I don't care. I don't buy this cover so if your chair going down. Maybe Russia going down on Japan. That's maybe what you were thinking. He's such a smuddy, smuddy brained woman. So to paint a picture, Russia's landmass, like it said looks bigger on the map but it is still very big

it's way small enough to say what else looks bigger it depends on the angle you take the photo of I had the piece of a piece of a joke I had a piece I had a piece So to paint a picture as we know Russia's landmass is huge it touches Europe on one side

and then it goes all the way around to China and North Korea on the other And then in 1860 they were sort of looking for in the 1800s looking to have a base, a main hub over on the eastern side. And in 1860, Vladivostok was founded as a sort of military outpost in the Far East, which is approximately only 50Ks from the Chinese border and 130Ks from North Korea. I don't know why. I don't know where I pictured it, but I didn't picture it there.

because it's quite a famous city, Vlad of Ossock. I mean, I've heard of it. Yes. Even I, a simpleton, have vaguely heard of it. But yeah, despite this, there may... I'm going to look at a map of Russia. You continue. They're major power bases such as St. Petersburg and Moscow.

They're right over the other side on the European western side of the country. And this proved to be quite a large handicap in their war with Japan. So even though it's like, we've got all our main cities. Yeah, we're right here. Yeah, yeah. Whereas they're like a lot of our stuff that we need in the war, I mean, the stuff we had around Vlad of Ostock and Port Arthur, you've sunk a few of those.

We need reinforcements. Exactly. Drive through Siberia to get there. That's basically what this episode is about the journey over. So reinforcements and supplies had to travel thousands of miles. to where the battle was occurring. And there are only two viable ways of making that journey. The single-track Trans-Siberian Railroad,

which apparently was very slow and obviously, yeah, back in the early 1900s, it's not the best way to go. And the other was by sea. Neither was ideal. Both would be costly in time and money. At the time, Russia had three main naval hubs, the one in the Far East, which we've just talked about,

just been nobbled by the Japanese, and they were needing reinforcements. Then they had the Black Sea, and while this would have been the next best option, in terms of how far to get to, and also as a warm port, so as we're about to hear, their other port freezes over a bit,

which makes it harder to leave. But yeah, the Black Sea would have been the next best option, but they were restricted in how big a fleet they're allowed to keep there due to various international treaties they had signed with other European powers mainly. And that left only option three, their Baltic fleet. And like I say, the harbours that they were in in the Baltic Sea would often freeze over.

So there were large chunks of the year that they were just unusable. But the ice skating was fantastic. Oh, the ice skating was fantastic. God, they'd hang some string lights. It was really nice. Yeah, it was really pretty. I was just having a look at Russia. It's really big.

Yeah. But remember Africa. Let's remember Africa. Let's remember Africa exists. Well, yeah. But it's just because, well, yeah. But have you seen a video of putting like the Russia looks huge and then they drag it down? Yeah.

And then it gets adjusted to its actual size. It's, I think, you know, I don't want to just remember Africa. I want to give Africa as Jews. That's a big chunk of land. Huge chunk of land. You know what I mean? Oh my God, dude. Totally.

So, Zah Nicholas II, who Bob, you've talked about in the past, about his family and whatnot. And I remember all of it, so. Yeah. And I think we've talked about him as well. He's one of the big Queen Victoria grandchildren crew who were ruling the whole world at that time or the whole of the Western world at that time. Or the European world, should I say. So, yeah, Sir Nicholas II, authorised the sending of the large Baltic fleet

made up of 45 ships on an 18,000 mile or 29,000 kilometre voyage to the conflict. The idea being that the might of the fleet would help bring a quick conclusion of the war, thus returning Port Arthur, to proper Russian control. They were going to crush Japan. It was such a much bigger fleet of ships.

And they were sort of seen through reputation as being a bit of a mighty force on the waves, not to the level of the British Royal Navy or anything, but they were still seen as pretty powerful. As it turns out, that reputation wasn't really well-deserved. It hadn't been particularly tested. And when it was, it was clear that, oh, nah.

They had 45 ships, all made of cardboard. It was more quantity than quality in terms of the ships and also those on the ships. Well, they're like, well, I've never been. on the seas before. I've been in a frozen port for the last six years. That's exactly right. So they're like, they're just, they're never really able to train, you know, and at the time, ship technology was changing all the time. So they never got to get used to the new ships

and the new equipment because I would just, yeah, it's, this whole thing is a mess. Let's talk about it. Yeah, things did not go to plan. So the first problem they encountered was that their coal-powered fleet needed to refuel on the journey. Unfortunately, though, unlike the SARS-cousons, British Royal Navy, the Russians did not have any bases along the route, which would allow easy refueling. This was in part because Japan had sort of partnered up with Britain, and Britain's like, because of that,

you can't use any of our bases that you might have otherwise. And this meant that they were basically going to have to refuel on the sea by meeting German, they organise these German ships to come and load them up with coal at spots along the route on the sea. It takes a lot longer, a lot harder to do. Probably more expensive.

More expensive, you have to get more of it at a time rather than, you know, stopping along the way. Yeah, bit here, bit by bit. You know, when you go to the petrol boughs and you put ten bucks in. Yeah, just to get me a little bit further. Yeah, but now it doesn't. So, yeah, not an ideal solution,

But a solution, nonetheless. Another issue faced, like I was saying, was this was an era of experimentation for naval ship design. As Kevin Lee writes for Hull-Webs, many ships of the day were a bizarre mixture of different experiments in naval architecture, which were mostly untried in combat conditions. This one's a houseboat.

You're living in it. Have a go with that. Yeah, see how that goes. We put a gun on the roof. Yeah. But yeah, this often resulted in the ships being top heavy. Like they put all these new innovations added to these existing ships, and all of a sudden they would become unstable.

That's so funny. It's like we've got the biggest gun in the world, and it just instantly sinks. It sounds like that kind of stuff was happening. Lee writes, the French Navy was the most significant victim of this period of experimentation, and it lost several ships, which had keeled over and sank. due to design faults. I was just like,

oh, we've got a really good feeling about this one. But they're, sorry, they're French. Yeah, they smash the champagne on it. And they would have been saying, they said, oh, ho ho, ho. Oh, no. Down we go. Why do they sound so horny,

that? Well, come. The French. Down we go. Down we go. Okay. Now you're thinking about Russia, fucking Japan again. No, my chair was going down.

Oh, that's right. Lee continues. The Baltic Fleet suffered similar problems with some of its battleships being as much as 1,500 tons overweight. In practice, this meant that the secondary armament was often underwash and could not be fired. The gun is underwater. Yeah, the second level of guns would be underwater, so useless.

Well, unless you were trying to shoot fish. Yeah, true. Oh, my God. Yeah, this is how underwater torpedoes were invented. Tepedo. Tobitos. Underwater torpedoes. Well, yes, of course. That's how we release the underwater torpedoes. So are you putting petos underwater? Yeah, that's probably a good place to put them.

They also had lines of armour around it, but that was also below the water lines. Oh, the fish can't attack. Yeah. One of the fleet ships, the Oriole, sank before even leaving the Baltic Sea. and had to be refloated. So they're not a great start. Let's do it 44 others. It's fine. Yeah, but they got it back up and go on again.

It sank, but they got it back up. They got a backup. On top of this, the ever-revolving naval technologies were unable to be tested through much of the year, as, like I said, the Baltic Fleet spent months of the year frozen at the port. Yeah, and we're not able to sail, we're not able to have their cruise training on them. That's a sweet gig for them.

Yeah. I'd love to do a drill. I'd love to train. The cards. It's very cold out there. Yeah. Yeah. Bit icy.

Like American kids having snow days at school. It's like six months of the year. Bart would be so happy as a Russian sailor. Yeah. That's why I learned about snow days. Yeah. We didn't get them. No.

I mean, sometimes in primary school it was like over 40 degrees Celsius. Upday. Shorten lunch. Wouldn't usually, yeah, that you maybe just get to have lunch inside or they spray everyone with a bit of water and put the fan on. Yeah, they put the sprinklers on.

On the oval. On the oven, then you get to, yeah, fan on. Oh, sick. Yeah, it's a great solution. Yeah. I loved sprinklers. They are fun. They are fun.

So they were not able to train up the cruise and the crews really needed training because from all reports, they were hopeless. Oh. Lee writes, the majority of the Russian Navy sailors were uneducated peasants and did not come from the coastal areas of Russia. Oh, okay, so now it's about where they're from and their lack of education.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's all about who they don't know. Oh, I see. Didn't go to the fancy schools. Yeah, or ever see water. Oh, okay. They don't swear.

They don't know Davey Jones. I don't say. Okay. Yeah, they had no experience on the water. The state of affairs was so bad that one officer said of his gunnery crews that, and this is obviously an English translation, one half have to be taught everything because they know nothing. The other half because they're forgotten everything.

You know what? The second half is more frustrating. You know? Sure, I'll teach you something you've never known. I'm only going to tell you once more, okay? Yeah. Yeah, but if you know and you've forgotten, that's on you. That's on you.

But maybe it'll come back quicker. True. Oh, yeah, people go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because those neural pathways have already been whatevered. Yep, they've been whatevered. Yeah. Absolutely.

Your neural pathways never got to that word, but. He was hoping it would. Connected? Sure. He was hoping it would light up, but it didn't. It didn't light up, it dimmed. A lot of dead ends in your neural pathways. Yeah.

Apparently you lose about 500 brain cells a day or an hour or something. Bill Bryson said that in a book. So, just glazing over. In charge of this haphazard fleet was Admiral Zinovi Petrovik Rosasvinsky. And it seems he didn't have a high regard for many of the officer class either. He referred to his second in command, rear Admiral Fulkesham, as, quote, a menouis sack. Oh, that's his number two. Yeah.

Literally. Oh, my goodness. Did you giggle at rear admiral or was that a poorly time something else? Yeah, okay. Yeah. The dreaded rear admiral. Do you want us to call you, well, put your nickname in the group chat as a rear-admiral? Oh, the dreaded rear-admiral.

Yes, please. Mac and remain, Mr. Anel. I can't remember what I am. Should make it something but related. So funny that... So that was a pretty harsh call on his second in command. He also called the cruiser commander, rear admiral, Enkvist, a, quote, vast, empty space.

Wow. I mean, you're not going to foster a lot of loyalty there. No. I think these might have been written in his diary. I think I'd prefer to be a vast, empty space than a sack of manure. What do you reckon? I mean, those two go together, well, if you, you know, you could... Oh, yeah.

Can make something beautiful. Yeah, fill the space. Yeah. The poo. And then plant stuff. Oh, okay. That's good. Yeah.

Mure is like more, you think of it more like a fertiliser day. From something horrible comes something beautiful. Yeah. Wow. Hotel beautiful. Okay, so keep all that in mind. Yes, all of it's locked in. The voyage begin.

With all that in mind, it's going to go really well. I think so. The fleet set sail on the 16th of October 9904, and almost immediately things went awry when one of the cruisers lost its anchor and the flagship ran aground. The flagship is the ship in the fleet which carries the commanding admiral. So that's like, that's the pride and joy of them. They just straight away. Just went, yeah.

Oh my God. That's so embarrassing. You're like, not today, not today. Everyone's like, everyone's, the SAR would have been there. Everyone's waving and then they just immediately get like, like a hard left. Like a hard left. And one of them just loses its anchor.

Well, we're not getting that back. I got most of this story from the Hull Web article written by Lee. So I'll be quoting from him a bit. And you know, he writes it. He writes it well. Linked in the show notes. Lee writes, while the fleet waited for the flagship to refloat and the cruiser to retrieve its misplaced anchor,

a destroyer accidentally rammed the battleship named Oslabia and had to return to the port for repairs. Just rammed into another ship. Amazing. Just like right off the bat. False start. All right, let's go again. No, we'll go, we go, we go.

Hey, there was a lot to like about that. Let's focus on the positive. Yes. Let's focus on the 41 ships that didn't crash. You think about numbers game, that's pretty good. It's actually very impressive. So anyway, we're now off and running for real. Okay, okay.

During the early days of the journey, as they navigated the narrow waters between Denmark and Sweden, paranoia started permeating through the fleet. Word was going around that Japanese torpedo boats, torpedo boats, was stationed off Denmark and primed to attack. There was also talk that Japanese submarines had been spotted and that they'd even left mines in the path of the fleet. How do you leave a mine in water?

Yeah. It's just going to sink to the bottom of the ocean, blobs and fish. Yeah. That's good. That's great. What are they got some sort of floating mines? As if. As if.

In 905. Mine's going to the ground. Yeah. Wet mines. Look forward to you getting some messages of, about that. Yeah, a lot of people don't seem to understand that this is a joke. All right?

Well, I think that means that's on you. It's all about the delivery, mate. Bad comedian Blanes, his audience. Blanes? David Blanes? Do magic. Yeah. It's a job.

Companies like magic. So they're like, they're jumping in shadows. Yeah, there's a lot of rumours making other people really, really touch. And if you think about it, we know how far this joke. journeys. They're thinking that Japan's like instantly done it somehow, you know. They would have had to have left ages ago. Like a couple of weeks earlier, before this happened. They would have had to have left quite a while earlier.

There's no Japanese boats around. It's just all absolute just, you know, it's got out of hand, you know. Someone said, oh, oh, that looks like a, that reminds me of sushi. And someone said, Japanese food sushi. Oh my God. Oh my God. They left it here. They left it here.

I must have floated up from the submarine. Oh my God. They've got like a recycling bill that they empty every day. Did somebody literally see sushi in the order? Yeah, yeah, they saw it. Well, they just saw seaweed and they thought that reminds me of a sushi. Yeah. And they went, seaweed, sushi.

Who has sushi? Yeah. Japanese. Because these, I'm sure all of these. Newer pathways. These poor Russian landlocked peasants, they are all eating sushi train sort of stuff. Oh, the hell of the top. Top shelf.

Yeah. Yeah. No, five. I mean, someone, I saw someone traveled maybe from America or UK or something, was talking about how,

they're like, it's wild over here. Sushi is, that's like a cheap food. You go, wherever they were from, they're like, oh, that's like a fine dining thing.

And they're like, here, you get in a bag and just walk around eating it. Like in every food court in a shopping center. Yeah, yeah. On every corner of the city. Can I just check with the journey Are they going up and around?

Is that sort of the... So they're heading west to go through between Sweden and Denmark. And then they go on around Portugal. Then around underneath Africa. They're avoiding the Suez Canal because either, depending on where you read it, either because something they're about to do, pisses off the British who were controlling the Suez Canal, I think is what I read.

Or perhaps the boats were too big, or they thought to be too big. They got to go the long, long way. They go the long way. They go on the long way. So, yeah, so they're all starting to feel paranoid about the Japanese. But, yeah, there aren't any Japanese anywhere near. But that didn't stop them taking action. They're going to smithshing on the water.

Oh, man, it's worse. Yeah, you just didn't want to. to be an innocent bystander cruising past at this point. Lee writes, when two fishermen delivering consular dispatches from the Tsar approached the fleet, so their own boats of their sending a message from their leader, the Russians opened fire. On a fishing boat.

On a fishing boat. A Russian fishing boat. The two men who were thankfully unharmed due to the appalling standards of Russian gunnery had a personal message for Rosentzvinsky from the the Admiral, the top Admiral. The front Admiral. He had a message from Sir Nicholas informing him that he was now being promoted to Vars Admiral, which is funny, is that?

All right. I guess. But do you think would, would the promotion be going through if they knew that they would follow on the message? I don't think so. Yeah. It's like they're like, we're actually probably going to go back and double check this message. And yeah, soon after another ship in the fleet, the Kamchatka, which we hear about a lot.

That's the comedy ship, this one. And what's it called again? The Kamchatka. They reported they were under attack from torpedo boats coming at them from all angles. Eight torpedo boats in all they reported. This proved to be a vast exaggeration. The correct number was actually zero. There was nothing.

It comes from every angle. Well, really, no angles. Yeah. If you want to be technical. Every angle, they're like, the torpedoes are coming from the sky. Yeah, from every single angle. It was a narrow escape from nothing. From nothing.

But they got through the swarm of nothing and sailed on through the North Sea. Then, when they were around 100Ks off the East Coast of Britain, where Dogger Bank exists, a large sand. bank in the shallow area of the North Sea. When they arrived there on the night of the 21st October, that was when the Baltic fleet spotted more Japanese torpedo boats. This time around, though, the boats weren't a figment of their imagination. Oh, my God.

They were instead English fishing trawlers. The Russians opened fire on the fishermen, damaging four British trawlers and sinking one. During the ensuing chaos, several Russian ships signalled that torpedoes had hit them, despite the fact that the fishing ships were obviously not armed with such weapons. Well, they were armed with fishing rods. Yeah. Did someone throw a rod at me? I could have scrapped the hull.

Yeah. We're going down. It's like every wave they hit. They're like, oh no, we've been hit again. True. They don't understand what it feels like to be on the water. Why is it rocking? Must be explosion.

Yeah. From all angles. Lay rides one, on the battleship Borodino, some of the crew donned life belts and lay prone on the deck. They just put on their lifeboats and just lay. They'll be over soon. To the point they haven't even practiced how to evacuate. They haven't practiced anything.

Just lie here and hope for the best. Yeah. They were doing stop, drop and roll, but not the roll. So, yeah, some were laying on the boat with their life jackets on. others pulled their cutlasses, shouting out that the ship was being boarded by the Japanese, panicking everyone else. So there are like panicking Russian sons running around with swords. The Japanese are boarding.

Creek everybody! And others are lying on the ground. Oh, please. The admiral's just going, Jesus Christ. Get yourselves together. The vice admiral. Yeah, the vice. He'd had a promotion.

Oh, no, no, no. For good measure, they also managed to hit two of their own cruisers, the Avrora and the Donskoy, which had been subject to a bombardment from seven Russian battleships. Oh, my God. They're like, you don't recognise me from before? We all left together. Why are you shooting at me?

Lee writes, the following morning revealed that it was a night of madness caused by mass hysteria amongst the Russians. For the British trawlers and the two Russian cruisers, Russian gunnery was so bad that damage had been kept to a minimum. For example... They can't sink a fishing boat. That's not good. They did sink one, but yeah.

It was an accident. Yeah. It was already going down. Apparently, the battleship Oroyal had fired over 500 shells without hitting a single thing. Like, the point it would have been hard to miss. If you're on the fishing boat, do you reckon after the first couple hundred shells, you're like, All right, actually we're fine.

Yeah. I'm going to get us. I'm going to keep fishing. Yeah. Just like getting the fish out of the water that they've exploded. They're feeling like their Neo and the Matrix. I'm, am I invincible? That's so embarrassing.

And like this is, they're on their way to war. They're just like wasting all their ammo. They're chasing ghosts. The incident very nearly started a war between Britain and Russia. the Russian government hastily apologised and also said they'll pay for all the damages the British public were keen for retaliation though but despite this

a war between the two nations was avoided though the British Royal Navy did follow the Russian fleet until it was out of their vicinity to make sure no more incident like a bouncer taking out of drunk all right mate I'll watch you get into the taxi.

Let me walk you out. Oh, that's okay. No, let me walk you out. Let me sail you out. Vice Admiral, I should have really looked this up. I'm just like, I got this. I mean, you do that with French. Why do anything different with Russian?

Go for it. Vice Admiral Rosasvensky was ordered to leave behind the officers responsible for what was known as the Dogger Bank incident or fiasco, the next possible dock. One of them, he used that as a chance to get rid of one of the guys he didn't like. Great. He did it. There's like this guy, hopeless.

The bag of manure or the empty expanse? Yeah, one would have been one of them. Yeah. In the meantime, they'd lost communication with one of its ships, the aforementioned Kamchatka. Yeah, they were just like, huh. Has anyone seen the Kamchatka? Yeah. They were just there.

I swear they were just here. Oh, they'll catch up. heading around the north-west coast of Africa, the Camp Chakka finally caught back up to them and rejoined the group, reporting that it was waylaid because they found themselves in a shootout with three Japanese ships.

Wow. But of course, the Japanese ships were not Japanese ships. They were a German trawler, a French schooner, and a Swedish merchant ship. Just three civilian ships. Yeah, we had a shootout. They didn't shoot once. It was super weird.

Yeah. It was so much. weird. I think I must have just known we were going to win. Yeah. Yeah, we scared them away. I like the idea that this ship's sort of fallen behind and then they've caught up and they say, sorry about that, but they're all wearing Hawaiian shirts and drinking out of coconuts or something.

Sorry about that. Yeah, we had a battle in the way, but we're okay. Thank you. Yeah. You're looking very tan for a Russian winter. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Walk and do that to you, I've heard.

Yes. Yeah. Just to make sure this portion of the journey was extra comical, one of the ship's anchors dragged through and severed an underwater telegraph cable off the coast of Tangier. And it took the locals four days to fix and restore communication with Europe. They just like knocked out, just on the way through, knocking out communications for a... Nope. Yep.

All right. So I mentioned before the coal. Yes. And it was time for them to restock. Fuel up. Fuel up. And as planned, they met with 10 German ships off the coast of Africa, off the coast of Dacar, the westernmost point of mainland Africa. Senegal.

Senegal, yeah. I don't think it was at the time, though, Dave. Spoiler. Well, always remember Africa. That is, you know what? I had just forgotten Africa. So that was a really timely reminder. Thank you, Dave.

You're welcome. So, yeah, they've got these German ships that are packed with heaps of coal. And they didn't have enough storage space for it. Oh, no. Because they were like, they were really stock out. Well, they just get a trailer, tow a trailer. That would have been so smart. Great idea. Great idea.

Thank you. Should I join the military? Yeah. I think you just got to upgrade to Vice Admiral. Wow. So, yeah, instead of... Getting a trailer, they just stacked it all high up on the decks of the ships. Yeah, that should be fine. Great, awesome.

That's not going to weigh much. Yeah, I can't see that being a problem. Yeah, weighed a lot. Obviously, it's a very dirty substance coal. So, yeah, you don't want to put it in your bedroom, put it on the top of the ship. Yeah, they're off the coast of Africa where it's, you know, the weather is pretty steamy, pretty human. Pretty human. Pretty human.

The humid condition. And so what could go wrong? You've had a few guesses. What probably the biggest thing that went wrong was that the sailors suffered from respiratory illnesses from breathing in the cold dust. They got the black lung pop, and sadly, multiple semen died.

I'm sorry that I said that in such a jaunty way. Multiple semen died. Multiman. Because they turned the whole boat into the coal face. Yeah. And now they're just breathing all the time. To the point that people died of it. That is awful.

Yeah, a lot of people, they just are losing men. And from here on, they just, there's funerals every day. What are they doing with the bodies over the, over the side? Yeah. I'm buried at sea probably, yeah. Do not bury me at sea. Really? Yeah, you hate that, actually.

Can you imagine? You'd be vomiting for eternity. Exactly. You'd be a human submarine. Oh, everything I hate. I go old pruney. Yeah. Oh no, you sink, though, like a mind.

How dare you? I'm a very buoyant young lady. So I'm like in my head, you know, in my file cabinet. Yes. Next to your name is says dance, but that's not body mass. No, no, no, no, no. Very light in body mass. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's nothing in there. Correct. Yeah, yeah. Nothing. Right. Yeah, it's funny. Dances should real, like, dense in the head like you are. Should really be like airy, you know?

Should be open. Should be the opposite. What's the opposite of dense? You and I don't know, Dave? Aero? That's a really good point. See, we would never have thought of that. I'm also dense.

I'm Aero. So, yes, multiple semen died from black lung. Because, like, is every ship having to carry their own? So they're all stacked up. So bad. I mean, let's say yes. So it's just one cock up after another. And while we're talking about cock-ups, here's another one.

The Kamchatka, fresh from misidentifying civilian ships as direct threats, as we're just talking about. They were at it again. This time, though, they panicked the rest of the fleet during a storm off the coast of Angola. Apparently the message they intended to send was something along the lines of were fine, and we've survived the storm. but they accidentally sent the message Do you see torpedo boats? Have you ever said to text

And you mean to say It's so far apart Is there Russian words similar maybe? I'm running five minutes late But I'll see you soon Everything's fine And you accidentally said Torpedo boats

Oh my Torpedo boats This is someone's first day With Morse code or something Beepip Oh my God Torpedo Toppedo.

Either that or the people listening and just everything they hear is torpedo. They've gotten to the letter T and they're like, they're going to say, torpedo, oh my God. I don't have time to listen to the whole message. They're going to go tell the captain. Or they go, this message, I don't understand it. Do you think it's Japanese?

The Japanese have taken over the ship. Toponobo! Stop it. So, yeah, they're once again, they're jumping at shadows. Oh, man. And it's like, they're just living in constant panic. People are dying from the bad conditions. Everything's going wrong, you know.

Like, it's just not a great work environment. Work-life balance is way out of kilter. In an attempt to cheer up the men, they were allowed to bring pets onto the boat when they stopped in some exotic locations like Madagascar. Gordon to Lee, the fleet. It's good liver, yeah. Yes, so.

The captain wrote in his journal. Whenever you look now, you'll see birds, beasts or vermin. On deck, oxen are standing ready to be slaughtered for meat, to say nothing of fowls, geese and ducks. And the cabins are monkeys, parrots, and chameleons. But, yeah, it's probably the monkeys were actually lemurs because where they were picking them up from. According to Lee, the fleet turned into a floating zoo

as a bizarre menagerie of birds and animals was left free to roam the deck. Oh my gosh. Pets included a crocodile and a poisonous snake that caused a panic on one battleship when it wrapped itself around the guns and then bit the commanding officer. There was also a story that the Admiral was given a parrot,

which quickly built up a vocabulary of explicit Russian terms. What? This is true? This is the craziest story ever. And also there's poor animals that just grabbed out of the jungle. and, yeah, and that's why,

we'll look after you. We'll look after ourselves. Yeah, the crocodiles like... I had a funeral every day. Oh, God, great, I'm just going to take on

an exotic pet. Yeah. Hey, little lemma. I'm sure you've got sea legs. Get on the boat. Apparently it wasn't, it wasn't only dangerous animals on the boat. Because after one of the ship's

refrigeration system failed, that'd offload a heap of rotting meat, which basically acted as chum, and all of a sudden just been followed by sharks. Shark thought more of that That was awesome It would make the sea funerals More efficient

More of a spectacle Yeah exactly right I mean it all seems pretty grim Yeah So if you can have a bit of a show Yeah People are taking bets on Yeah

How long do you think Gary's gonna survive In one piece? How many bites do you reckon Gary is? Oh I don't know Technically is still in one piece That sharks will have him whole Wow Who do we pay out

For a shark to eat me It would be like eating I'm arrow. Yeah. You know, so light and bubbly and... Just a little treat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I imagine arrow is a pretty good for you. Yeah, that's not much. And minty. I used to love an arrow. I haven't had one of those a long time. Oh, I love an arrow. Or a Cadbury bubbly. A Cadbury bubbly.

Same thing. Oh, right. But a bit more dense, I would say. Oh, okay. Couldn't quite get it right. Or maybe that's what they wanted. Who knows? Because really they're just giving you extra value there.

That's right. More bang for my buck. Yeah. More bubble for my buck. Oh. Have nothing to say. Yeah. With your other way of that.

Can I keep talking now? Would you believe things continued to go poorly? How? It's just an insane image I've got on my mind. So yeah, he ended up being out of action for two weeks. confined to his quarters to make things worse. His necks in command, I think, suffered a brain hemorrhage, leaving him partially paralyzed.

And this meant that the fleet was essentially without a commander in chief. And would you believe it, things got worse from there. This is a lot going on. Yeah. Not a lot of it's good. No. Apart from pets. Some of it's a bit funny.

Yeah. Oh, it's all quite funny. And some of it is, It sounds like genuinely bad luck. Yes. But they're obviously a mess. Yes. Him getting like a random, pretty severe illness

while the other guys had an aneurist. Like that's, yeah, that's full on. That's not up because of their ineptitude. No. But a lot of the other stuff is. But also maybe if they were, you know, you'd have a better system in place to work down the command and have... Yeah, you got two out.

It's like, well, I guess, We're just floating now. We've got a few thousand soldiers here, but the rest of us... No one knows what to do. Yeah. And I don't, I mean, it does sound like the Vice Admiral doesn't trust many of his direct subordinate. So maybe he's like, I've still got it. I'll get back to it.

It's all good. Lear writes, the crew spent increasing amounts of time ashore at various saloons, brothels and gambling houses. So they're really in a rush to get there. Yeah, oh no, they're all like, we're going to our deaths. This can't be good for us when we get there. They ain't Russian. I'm sorry, they are. Jazz is shaking my hand and it feels good.

I was going to go for a high-five, and I thought it deserves more. Yeah, like, yeah, there should have been like a ceremony. I agree, I was going to stand up. Panting over some flowers. Yeah. I'm wanting a badge. I might have to, we might have to get him some flowers in our lunch break. And a brooch.

Yes. It just says, I did a joke. You did, you did it. I did it. I did it. We get a photo of Dave, thumbs up. I did it. I think we should actually do that.

I agree. This is probably not too hard to believe. Mental illness was not great amongst the crews. based on everything that's happened, but also just the long period at sea, where a lot of them had never done before. Oh my God, they've never been to sea before.

So, yeah, it was really taking its toll. Communication with their families back home was very limited. While at Madagascar, they were given the opportunity to send mail home. You wonder how coherent the letters might have been, though, because as Lee writes, many of the officers were frequently drunk or drugged. One officer had bought 2,000 cigarettes in Madagascar, which were later found to be filled with opium.

2000. Hopi wasn't like a pack of day car because that's... 2000 is so many cigarettes to buy too. Yeah. He'd love Costco. Oh. I guess when you're like, I don't know when the next shop is.

You know, better stock up here. Yeah. He likes to shop in bulk. Yeah. He feels like he's passing at Costco at the start of the Hume Highway. There's not going to be another one of these for quite a while. Disease also broke out.

Like I said before, there were daily deaths from black lung, but also from malaria, dysentery and typhoid. You know, some of these are not good deaths. Not very nice, no. Dissentry, you just kind of shoot yourself to death. Oh, yeah, that one's fine one. If you're choosing one. If you're choosing one.

You go out on top. Yeah, I imagine that would have been the guy known as the bag of manure. Not anymore. he's an empty space. So, with the daily deaths came, daily funerals. At one such service. You'd love to be a celebrant, wouldn't you? Oh, you'd be cleaning up.

Absolutely rakingly. He's like, look, I'll give you a discount. Yeah. But just for you, the rest have to charge full price. That's what you're saying to them. You know, just people would have to listen to you. Because imagine, like, the start of the trip, no one's dying. He's just like, no one's getting married.

I was dying. What am I doing here? Why am I here you be thinking? And now he's like, okay, my time to shine. Yeah, now he's like, honestly, I'd love a day off. Yeah. Stop dying, please. Oh my God.

Just dying on a Sunday? Yeah, like, okay, no, all right. All right. They really want me. Give me the mic back. Give me the mic back. He's got the Madonna one. Exactly.

No speech is. I'll take it from me. I'll do it. So, yeah, daily funerals and, you know, the cat, Kamchatka got involved one time. with a beautiful tribute, firing a salute for a fallen seaman. But of course, being the cam... Fallen semen, you know, like I just...

There's something there every time he talks about dying semen or fallen semen. Yeah, apparently... Again, I have a piece of a joke that I'd like you to... Well, apparently, semen cats are fallen over recent times. They're not fully sure why, but... Microplastics. Microplastics, that's right. You know, and just women not been as hot as it used to be.

That's one theory that I've heard posited or just posited there out of a desperation to end this little bit that I was trying to get going. And, you know, yeah, I'd regret it. It's women's fault. Yeah. So not being attractive enough. Yeah, those little guys down there. They're like, nah. They're very responsive.

Why bother? Why would I? Yuck. Yuck. No, thanks. No, thank you. I don't want to be in that. Yeah.

If the egg's in that thing, I don't want anyone to do it. Yack. The semen are just taking their own lives. Is that what thinking? No. No, they're just staying in. Oh, staying in. Yeah, another night in.

Yeah, they're not going out to the club. Yeah, right. It's like, you guys. You guys got this. I've ordered a pizza. Yeah. I'm all right. Watch another episode of Real Housewives.

God, I'm lonely. So, fallen semen. Yes, that's right. And the Kamchatka. Yeah, they fired a salute for the fallen semen. Unfortunately, they accidentally used a live shell and it hit one of their own ships. They fired 500 before and couldn't hit a shipping. No, that was a different ship.

But still, the same Navy had fired 500. I miss and I have shot one. No. She's so embarrassing. The cruise of Aurora was like, wait, what the hell? They're all standing to attention. What the hell? Wait, was that a Japanese torpedo?

The Russians could hardly afford any more wasted ammunition either, having run through a significant portion of it, firing at fishing trawlers of those are such things. A ship named the Ertish rendezvoused with them to stock them back up with ammo. And this was a real shot in the arm for a fleet who were down on ammo morale and their own marbles to be frank. Man, I wrote that late last time, but I'm feeling pretty good about it. Sadly, Lee writes, another handshake from Jess. I felt like he needed.

Yeah, yeah, you're keeping us going here. Yeah, you know, you ever get to it, but you're like, I don't really really really really. remember writing that. That's okay. Yes. That's fine. Yeah, you go, all right. All right, past me. Yeah. Okay. Sadly, Lee writes, when the cargo was unloaded, so they've met up with this ship, the Eirtish, and they're like, fine, they got unloaded all this heavy cargo.

They're like, crack it open. Let's see how many shells we got in here. Unfortunately, no, though, instead of ammunition, what they're, they found were 12,000 pairs of fur-lined boots and a matching number of winter coats. 12,000? Thousand. Is it a mistake? Or do they, is it like? I think it's a mistake.

I think it's a clerical error. They've given them the wrong shipment. Is it the wrong military clothing or is it just like, so you can imagine. It's a funky little sports section. Now an orphanage has received a shit ton of ammo. Kids, I'm afraid there'll be no shoes this season. There'll be no shoes this year. And as we know, they're in quite a warm climate right now.

Yeah, they need real light boots. Even, like, best case scenario, they get them and it's really cold. Yeah. They're like, well, you know, I could use a new outfit. But they can't even wear it. 12,000. That doesn't, that seems crazy. That's an insane number of boots.

That's according to Lee, okay? I trust Lee with my life. I would too. I'm just saying, that's a, I'm imagining. the size of box that's come in. Oh, some big boxes. Yeah. So lined boxes.

With the shambles of the voyage. Sorry, Jess, I didn't mean to speak over you there. It wasn't good. I thought it was fantastic. I didn't hear it, but I loved it. Thank you. Yeah, it doesn't move on, Matt. That shakeback.

With the shambles of the voyage, you almost forget that they're trying to get to a war. Yes, yeah. I've certainly forgotten. that. I think they have. Yeah. I think Japan have too. They're having the best time in that port that's taking a port after. They've like moved, they've really moved in.

They've redecorated. Yeah, yeah. But it's like they're, yeah, it's, they're also, they're not just heading to the war. They're expected to get there and turn the war and rushes face. These guys can't do anything. No. And yeah, the war was continuing to rage on land as well. while they were on their way.

The Russians continue to defend Port Arthur while Japan was still resorting to their siege tactics. This was until on the 2nd January 1905 when Lieutenant General Anatoly Stessel, the commander of the fortress, waved a white flag to surrender the port. Apparently he didn't chat to the others about it. They were like, what the, wait.

The other people in all the... He's his fellow officers. Oh, he just went, I'm bored. He's like, let's call it. According to Britannica, the surrender was regarded as an act of either incompetence or treachery for the fortress contained provisions for over three months and adequate supplies of ammunition. So this is really quite strange. The final and also greatest land battle of the war was the Battle of the Mukden,

involving hundreds of thousands of troops on both sides. Wow. Britannica writes, losses in the battle were exceptionally heavy, approximately 89,000 Russians and 71,000 Japanese having fallen. Japan was now exhausted and could not hope to pursue the land war to a successful conclusion. So really, if this Baltic fleet does arrive, they have the opportunity to finish this war. When they arrive, this is going to turn it one way. Yeah, Japan's already sort of on the ropes of it.

Yes. But Russia equally is not in a great state. They've also had huge casualties and lost some key sea battles. Yeah. Meanwhile, near Madagascar, Vice Admiral Russia's event. Rossus Svinsky heard word of the surrender of Port Arthur, the white flag going up, and he proposed to his superiors back home that perhaps they may as well call it. It's like, is it over or is there any reason we actually should be going on?

Yeah, just let him have it. And I think he wrote something similar in his diary, like, is there any point of us going? But he was told that there were naval reinforcements on route from the Baltic, and he decided to forge on. They did go via the Suez Canal. They took the shore to cut, and they were catching them pretty quickly. Apparently, their fleet, I'd had some people referred to it in some pretty rough terms, calling it like the pre-sunk fleet or something like that. It was just these old shitty boats.

even compared to these ones. Don't worry. The reinforcements. We're sending the real shit ones now. The good ones. Yeah. I mean, the bad ones. To try and get his men's head back in the game,

knowing they were, you know, they were almost there. As a Vice Admiral, organized target practice drills. They're like, they haven't really been trained particularly. So he's like, we probably should do a bit of training before we get there. We've noticed that we don't hit targets much. Okay. Let's do a little target practice. That's good.

That's good leadership. Yeah, the target was being towed behind one of their ships. And if the plan was to restore some morale and self-confidence, it was a failure. None of the destroyers scored any hits on the stationary target. Of the battleships, the flagship scored a single hit, but not on target. Instead, they hit the ship that was towing the target. Hit it! Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, the good news is the target sinking with it. So. Lee writes, A destroyer squadron ordered to sail in line a breast formation scattered during exercises

as the officers had not been issued with new code books. So they're trying to just practice sailing in formation and then not even getting that right. Seven torpedoes were fired. One of which jammed.

Three swung off target. Two chugs slowly and missed. It's so funny to think of it. A torpedo going do do do. Doodoo. Is it still moving? So it missed the tugged all together.

And another one went around in a circle, causing ships to scatter and panic. It's coming back for us. Oh, my God. For good measure, the Kamchatka sent a signal saying she was sinking. On investigation, this turned out to be nothing more than a crack steam pipe in the engine room. They're like, we're taking a water. Oh, no, it's just the same. Oh, my God, guys.

None of these people know anything about shit. This is the morale booster exercise. No way, this will make them feel real good about themselves. It's good to get that out of the way. Okay, we've now got all that out of the way. We've saved all the good stuff. We've got all our misses out. Yeah.

From now on, it's just hit, hit, hit. Sometimes they talk about it in sport. It's like it's the loss we needed to have before the big final series. It was good to get. get a loss out of the way. That's right. We were inevitable to have one loss. Which I don't know if that makes any sense, but...

It's what they need to tell themselves. They need to tell themselves and I think it's what the Russians are probably telling us. Oh, perfect. Because we have to lose at some point, so it's good to do it now. It's good to do it to ourselves. And now we'll just win everything else. Perfect. Oh, great. Because, you know, I hate it hanging over you that there's a loss coming.

Yeah. Now I know the one and only loss has been done. Ticked it off. Easy. To me, this thought, like, it is so ridiculous that it feels like there's got to be exaggerations in it. But like we do sometimes in this show, we go with it. Yeah, we're leaning in.

It's like, surely it couldn't have been this bad. Oh, but it's so... But why would Lee lie to us? Why would Lee lie on, what is it? On a hull, hull, hull web. He wouldn't. Lee wouldn't lie on hull web. He knows about hulls, he knows about webs.

I mean, I did check, most of it I've checked elsewhere as well. Yeah. Like, generally speaking, the story is true, and they were absolutely hopeless. Oh, that's wild. But some of these little details, I'm like, really? But then, like, in his own diary, the captain's own diary is talking about, there's an ox on the deck of the shit. Like, what?

Yeah, everyone gets to pick one animal. I'll have an ox. What? Camelians. It's too big. Chameleons famously great harders as well. Yeah. Where to go.

I wonder, yeah, that's probably what happened to the, they're getting in the tornado, like, in the shoots, and that's why they go on so slow because it's a chameleon riding on top of a year. Yeah, it sounds like a Pixar movie has made like a little, they decided to do a war movie. Yeah. I think if they came up against, what is it, is that movie you love, Bob, up tornado or,

down periscope. Up tornado. I reckon, yeah, Kelsey Grammar's crew would just wipe the floor with these guys. Easily. And they're a pack of idiots. Yeah. So, well, maybe that's how this story is going to turn out. Oh.

Maybe it won't, but maybe it will. We don't know. We don't. So, yeah, despite the shambolic nature of the proceedings, the fleet forged on, crossing the Indian Ocean, where they were met by the Russian transport ship, the Gortchikov. Lee Wright, spirits lifted in the hope that the ship had some long overdue mail from home. Sadly, though, the only male on the ship. where the letters the crews had sent home from Madagascar one month earlier.

They're like, oh, these are our letters. These ones we sent. Sorry, we did a return to sender. Yeah. They're like, oh, my God, this is going to be. We need this. We need to hear from my wife or whatever. Oh.

It's my own letter. Yeah, we've got heaps of mail on board, don't you want to know that? Oh, so much. It was really sad. Oh, that's right. I wrote it. I hardly remember this. I'm even sadder than I was then.

Yeah. Because back then I was still smoking 2,000 opium-tipped cigarettes. All right, it's finally time. The Baltic Fleet are approaching their destination. And they are also bolstered by those reinforcements of extra shitty boats. Yeah, plywood. Britannica writes, Rosentzensky is linked up with these reinforcements at Camran Bay, now in Vietnam,

and his full fleet appeared to be a formidable armada. In reality, however, many of the ships were old and unserviceable. Early in May, the fleet reached the China Sea, and Rosentzvinsky made for Vladivostok. The plan was to slip past the Japanese forces under the cover of darkness. And they were helped. It was a very foggy evening as well. visibility was low, which was going to help them.

They would never help them. We can't see shit. This is awesome. Do you think it could help a skilled fleet? Oh, absolutely. If you know what you're doing, you're like sort of like, sort of Navy SEALs, like sort of coasting along. Perfect. But these guys, who shot at themselves.

They crashed in their own bay when they left. Yeah. This is going to go. I think. I think the fog's going to be really positive here. That's so good. The fog is like another character. So on the evening, oh, by the way, you're talking about the mist in a recent episode.

I looked up the finale. Fuck me. Apparently the movie ending, we won't spoil it, is more full on than the book. Yes. But, um... Did it rock you? Oh, man. I thought like the bulk of it, I'm like, that is grim.

And then there was a little bit more. I'm like, oh, oh, no, it's horrific. Like, you're still thinking about it? Should I look it up or is it going to really, like, ruin my day? No, no, it's not like that. It's just like, I mean, reading it was like, if I'd watched this whole movie and that would have absolutely torn my heart out. Yes.

Reading it briefly at the end, it's like, oh, those bastards, they're assholes who made that film. Yeah, in fact, you should read it because I don't think you're going to watch the movie. No. So read it, but do it in front of us later. Okay. I want to see your heart break. Yeah. Oh.

So they've got darkness. They've got fog. Perfect. It's the evening of the 26th of May 9-05. And they approach the Tsushima straight. All ships in the fleet also turn off their lights. Awesome. You know, they're going in.

Stealth. Stealth. Perfect. It hurts their visibility, but it helps them. not be detected. That's right. Which is obviously, I get really annoyed now when it's raining and people don't turn their lights on driving the car.

Yeah. Now I'm just going like, oh, you're going stealth mode. Yeah. I understand. I understand. And it's working. I can't fucking see you. You're a little silver car.

Perfect. It's pissing with rain. Don't turn your lights on. You're like mission accomplished. Well done. Great. Can't wait to fucking rear end you. Jess, you're more like the Russian hospital ship the Orl, which kept it's like.

burning, which was in compliance with the rules of war, apparently. But it was unfortunate. They're supposed to be like, we're a hospital ship, so we're not here. You got to pretend you can't see us, okay? Yeah, I don't know. And we're definitely not troubling with others. So, yeah, that led to them being spotted by a Japanese cruiser named the Shinanu Maru. They noticed the Orel, the hospital ship, and they approached to investigate.

Unfortunately, the Orel failed to recognize the Shenino Maru as a Japanese vessel. They're like, that's just a fishing boat. Which seems... And we've learnt not to shoot at the fishing boats. It seems unbelievable, right? Every boat they saw on the whole journey they thought was Japanese. So the first Japanese boat they see and they go, one of us. One of us.

How do you do so? So, yeah, they thought it was a fellow Russian vessel. And as such, didn't think to signal to the rest of them. of the fleet that they may have been spotted. So the rest of the fleet were just cruising along, unawares. They're looking over at the Japanese, but going, shh, chish, chichua, that's an interesting word. They communicated, the or L communicated with the shenanu.

The message they sent was in Russian code, so it made no sense of the Japanese, but it did help the Japanese ship confirm that they were probably a Russian ship. Certainly not Japanese, at least. They could go process of elimination, that's not Japanese. And they realized, okay, like you said, they're probably not alone. They searched and found quickly 10 more of the ships, and thus began the Battle of Tsushima. Oh, my God.

The battle was over quickly. The Japanese took a decisive victory. Lee writes, The Japanese sunk eight Russian battleships, nine cruises, and several other ships, resulting in the deaths of 4,000 Russian sailors, holy shit. Three admirals, and they captured 7,300 more.

In contrast, the Japanese losses amounted to three torpedo boats, 116 killed, and 530 wounded. Wow, I mean, still, like, a lot, but the number, yeah, hugely different numbers. It was over within a couple of days. Wow. Britannica writes, it was a dramatic and decisive defeat. after voyaging seven months to within a few hundred miles of its destination, the Baltic fleet was shattered. With it, Russia's hope of regaining mastery of the sea was crushed.

Leak includes that the decision to send the Baltic fleet around the world to its destruction must rank as one of the gravest in the long line of naval follies. Diplomatically, the victory at the Battle of Tsushima was a major boost to Japan, which became the first eastern nation to defeat a European power. this war was the first time that had happened apparently. The leader of the Japanese fleet was a guy called Tugu Hayachiro. And yeah, so he obviously just was, apparently learned from a few things from the first two battles and just changed his tactics a bit and it was just like...

Wow. Devastating. But while Japan was victorious, they were also hurting financially and of course had also lost a large number of soldiers. and sailors. And a treaty was negotiated, mediated by then U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt.

I think it was heavily in favor of Japan, but there was a treaty, which was called the Treaty of Portsmouth, which was signed on the 5th of September 1905. The treaty was named for the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard in Kittery, Maine in the United States, where negotiations took place. Maine, of course, being where,

where the mist was probably written. And probably said. Roosevelt's role in the negotiations led to him being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize the first time an American received it apparently. There you go. So yeah, in the end, Japan got the port. And part of the treaty was we keep the port. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it was, like I said, heavily in their favour and they got things like the port and other chunks of land. They got other land assets, if I want to put it in some pretty imperialist. Oh, they walked into Jalous Craig and signed a few new leases. This is ours now. We'll have that house. I mean, it's hard to relate to it now, but yeah, pretty grim stuff. Just countries going, I want more.

Yeah. And then, you know, a lot of basically innocent people dying because of it. Yeah, it's so good we've moved past that as a, as a. civilization. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I've just, I mean, you can see why a bunch of different people suggested it.

It's just such a comical. Oh, yeah. Unbelievable, but hilarious. Ridiculous. And also tragic at the end. Yep. Yes. But.

The perfect balance for a do-go-old. But you have to laugh at the journey. Oh, yeah. Because that is unbelievably funny. Just, yeah, so, so many mistakes were made. But also just, like, a lot of the mistakes were not being prepared. paired in the lead-up, like, they... And one of the big mistakes was probably thinking, yeah, this will do it.

Yeah. Let's send the Baltic Fleet. Are you sure about that, sir? All of it. Yeah. Man, but it's so interesting as a story, though. And I'd never heard of it. So thanks to everyone who suggested it.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks to Will, Adrian, Roy, Victor Cameron, Tim, Marion, Bryce. Oh, and happy birthday, Cole. Happy birthday, Cole. Happy birthday, Cole. We never have to get your birthday present every year. No, this is for the rest of your life. That's it, Cole.

I play this each year on your birthday. To infinity. And beyond. Oh, I don't know why I said that. Is that a reference or something? Also, Cole played a big part of the story, so he could have mapped himself in the story. Cole, you killed a lot of people. Black lung from Cole.

Cole. That's from Cole. Good one, Cole. Good one, Cole. It's very lame old woodley, isn't it? Oh, good one. Cole? Cole.

Oh, please, Cole. Great report, Matt. Oh, Dave. Oh, Dave. Love it. Jess, what do you think? It was okay. I loved it.

Well, this brings us to everyone's favorite section of the show where we like to shout out to a few of our fantastic supporters who signed up at patreon.com. com slash toograw and pod. Some of them will be looking at me right now because they can watch these episodes too. Ad free. Ad free is.

We can listen to ad free. You can watch ad free. I also get to vote on topics. You get a heap of bonus episodes, over 300 now. You get to hear about tours before anyone else. I don't know if that's happened. There's one being announced or has just been announced. They'll know.

And yeah, they'll get discounted tickets as well as early access. It's actually on sale now. It's on sale. Everyone, our Canadian tour is on sale. Can't believe. We've got to North America. Finally. Oh, my gosh.

It was written in the scriptures. Whatever, what do they say? The stars. It was written in the stars many years ago, many moons ago, ironically. That's not ironically. But the... That's right. So we get quickly said, just to remind of anyone who has not heard the news.

We're heading to Vancouver. Dave's spread in the news. Calgary. We're heading to Calgary. We're heading to Montreal. Bonjour. And Toronto. Yes.

In September this year. And yeah, we've had a Patreon pre-sale, but as of... Right now, tickets are on sale for everyone. It's exciting. Diggonpod.com. Oh my gosh, that's... I'm so excited. You've done great work, Dave, putting it together.

So excited. I've never been to Canada. No. We're hoping... No, it's a new frontier for all of us, I believe. Really, yeah. And I'm so... I mean, the poster that Muz has put together is exactly what I've always dreamed of seeing in Canada,

some sort of glass-like lake with a snow. No cap mountain behind and maybe a moose walking. A moose and maybe an ice hockey game if possible. If possible. Yeah. Are we asking too much? Yeah. Okay.

Well, maybe we won't go. All right. Well, thank you. We'll turn for our expectation. I looked at it. I think there's a chance that there's a, the preseason starts in September for the NHL. I've seen heated rivalry. I'd like to go to a hockey game.

Okay. I'd love to go. I'd love to go. Yeah, hopefully my Calgary Flames are playing. the team that I my heart beats true for how they're doing how they do this year oh the boys yeah yeah yeah they tell you what they gave 110% yeah that's it's impressive I and is it wrong that I have two teams I also have the Pittsburgh penguins that is wrong yes okay we'll forget I said anything

so the first thing we like to do in this patron section of show which is what we dedicate this last portion of the show to thanking our great supporters without them the show doesn't exist. The first thing is the Sydney-Shaunberg level. Anyone on that level get to give us a fact of quota a question. In this section, a show that actually called the fact-quot-or-question section. It has a little jingle, I think. Go something like this.

Fact-quital question. He always remembers the dinger. Well, I mean, his child suggests otherwise. And she always remembers. Planned if they are listening. very planned and a beautiful wasn't. And nothing wrong with a surprise either. Oh, God, duh.

So, yeah, she always remembers this thing. And, yeah, this part of the show, I've got three people who have sent in a factor quote or a question or a braggar suggestion, really, whatever they like. And I'm going to read them out now. If you don't mind. I mind. Oh.

Now, go on. Please. I'm getting real mixed message. are just here. Now, go on. I love it. Dave said, please. Oh, please.

There's people hot. What's easy? What's the major word? Yeah. Manners don't cost the thing. Shut the fuck up. How about that? First, all my jokes are terrible.

And I'm a dumb idiot. Yeah. What? And there's something since then upset you. Come on, just read the words. You can read, you fucking idiot. The first one, comes from, and you know it's a struggle for me.

I know who knew it recently, Cam James goes, it's so funny that so much of you hosting this show is reading and you're no good at it. I want to take it. First one comes from Katie Stachow. Okay, and they also get to give themselves a title. Okay, the most revered listener, open bracket, after Gary J from the UK closed bracket. Wow.

Top two's pretty good. Top two's fantastic. Yeah. There's a lot of pressure being number one. Yeah. We've put a lot of pressure on Gary. You'll stay on top, Gary. Be the Michael Chang, you know.

It's a great spot. Everyone remembers Michael Chang. Yeah, everyone loves Michael Chang. Yeah. No one talks about Pete Sampras or Andre Agassie. What happened to those guys? I can hardly even access their names. Michael Chang.

Chegg was right there. Top of the rat! Right there! Oh my God. Chang Oh my God, the Chang signetaps has exploded That's really fat The Chang signet

Is more of a choice I will remind you that other people Are working in this building Stop getting so excited about Michael Chang They'd understand though If we told them what happened Oh of course they'd understand We're talking about Michael Chang

The youngest ever winner of the French Open Come on I don't want to talk to people Michael Chang I wonder what he's up to We've got lunch on the way So So, Katie's.

Chow. Okay. The Michael Chang. You're Googling Michael Chang, aren't you? Fuck save. Do I have a report in Chang? Absolutely, there is. Oh, my God, yeah.

Can you do it? I don't know anything about it, apart from it was number two for ages. Our good friend who does a fantastic report, Josh Earl, has actually mentioned. Oh. He's got a Chang report. He's got a Chang report. Great. Bring him on board.

Okay, so Katie, has a question. writing, who is your favorite Jim Henson character, including Sesame Street Muppets and I guess Muppet Babies, if you count them? Look, I count Sesame Street as Muppets because they are. Is that part of the message? No, that was you. No, that's me. I'm editorialising.

And what do you think is their most admirable quality, or what do you like most about them? And while you're thinking, Katie is answered for us, as we always encourage our question writers to do. Mine is a very minor character. Slimy, Oscar the Groucher's pet worm. Oh, great character. He's my favourite for several reasons, but first born in 971.

He's the oldest worm I know still rocking and rolling. That's awesome. Or Slytherin and Slytherin. Slimy is a proven hero. He makes his debut to Sesame Street by aiding Oscar, who locked himself out of his trash can one day, and Slimy saves him by scooting the key out of the crack in the lid. what a star.

Did you know he was the first worm on the moon? I did not know. What? What, wait, what? Did you know he was the first worm on the moon? Not sure how that worked with gravity and such, but it's an unproven fact. Okay.

I love it. On top of all the work, on top of all of that, he also is accomplished an accomplished musician playing both the tuba and the clarinet. Not sure how he accomplishes that, given I'm pretty sure worms breathe through their skin and not through their mouth. But that's what makes them special. I hadn't thought of this special creature since childhood until my social media algorithm popped up with an ad for slimy-themed earrings,

or what I thought was slimy-themed earrings? What does that mean? And I was inspired to watch a few episodes where it was featured and the magic all came back. This wasn't weird as I have kids-aged 5 and 6.5. So it was a good excuse to stream some quality content from the way back machine. That's so good. I hope you didn't get ripped off with some fake, slimy-themed earrings.

I'd be furious. I mean, I've got so many. I don't know if I could lock one in. I used to love Guy Smiley. I thought he was very funny on Sesame Street as a kid. He was like a talk show host or game show host, maybe. I don't know Guy Smiley. The Count, of course.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've got to love The Count. Kermit, you know, I mean, that's a pretty, that's the most basic, yeah. Can we have a little, little Kermit the Frog? What about, um, what's the question? What's your favorite Jim Henson character? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, what about David Bowie in the Labyrinth?

Oh, yeah. Mine are the Martians. Oh. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. You know those ones? Yep, yep, yeah, they're fantastic. What was the name of, remember we, we watched the Muppets Christmas Carre for the movie? Oh, Ritz a rat?

The bunny. The little bunny girl. I'm trying to figure out his name. He was really cute. I thought it was unbelievably cute. Yes. What have you searched? That should be Muppets' Christmas character characters didn't come up.

Then I wrote turkey because he gets the turkey. And he's there, you there boy. Oh, that's so much better. Let me just try it. Bean bunny. Man, that was such an easy search. It was so easy. I just said name of small bunny and Muppets.

He's such a smart man. You went about that in something. You're like, well, I googled. That guy's not floating. He Googled Muffet Christmas Carol Turkey and it was surprised the buddy didn't come up. The thing is, it did come up. It's not the name. I showed you the images.

I showed you the images. Yes, it's been money. That's my new fay, but growing up, I've got a bit, it's a bit basic, but a big soft spot for Cookie Monster. Yeah. Classic. He's going to love him. He's delightful. He's got, he's got, well, but it's a bit basic.

one thing you likes, he goes for it in a beautiful way. Yeah. And you like cookies. You have a cookie whenever we record pretty much. I do like a cookie. It's somewhat of a cookie monster. Jess takes about a quarter of the cookie for the taste. And I take the rest for my belly.

Is it time to come clean? No, we shouldn't. Let him have it. They're not cookies. Oh my God. No, Jess just jokes me the other week. She's like, I only do it to humor. I'm really just have a little bit of cookie to give him permission to have a cookie.

And that was because Matt got a sweet treat and got mad at me for not getting a sweet treat, even though I had got this incredibly decadent sweet coffee drink. So that was my sweet. And he said, but you get a coffee every time. Are you going to cook every time? Honestly, it's been a fucking nightmare. You said something that made it sound like you would get one. I'm like, oh, it'd be rude for me not to.

And then it was rude for you not to. That's all. I'm not having this conversation again. What? Yeah. So they're our favourite Muppets, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, so many. Yeah. Snufferopagus. Yeah, there are some good ones. Oh, burn and Ernie. I love. Yeah. Beaker.

Oh, Beaker's always been a favorite. Obviously, the worst one is the ghost of Christmas future from Christmas Carol. Yeah. Too realistic. Yeah, too realistic. Yes, that was too terrible. Too close to the book. That's right.

Too close to the book. Katie, thanks for... Great question. I love to hear what other people's ones are. Yeah. Sime is a great. It's a fun. I love how they

puppeteer little things like that. It's just a couple of sticks or something, is it? From memory. Thank you so much, Katie. Next one comes from Jason Wessner, aka the deputy undersecretary of the Phoenixville Office of Bragging Rights. And obviously, I mean, probably, obviously,

Jason has a brag writing. I'm going to brag, not about myself, but about a town that is very dear to me. Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. was recently named the best small town to live in in the US by Travel and Leisure Magazine. Oh, they know. They even compared it to Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls. Oh, that's nice.

I want to point out just three things I love about the town. First, the old movie theatre in town, the colonial theatre, was immortalised in the classic film The Blob as theatre-goers ran out the doors to escape. The Blob, the titular blob. Second, Phoenixville has more breweries per square foot than any other town in the US. Okay, I'm listening. He is pricking up. At least that was true a few years ago.

I haven't checked recently. Third, there's a great music school in town called Mosaic Music Lessons that just moved into a bigger space after outgrowing its original location. That third one was actually me sneaking in a bit of a pearsal brag since my wife and I are in that school together. Oh, that's awesome. That's cool. It got too big you had to move? It's been 11 years since she opened it, and it's so much fun to see it grow

and see how much the students love coming there every saying. That's probably meant to say something else. Probably every day. P.S., or maybe that's an American term. Every saying. Every saying. P.S., if you're ever considering a Philadelphia show on your US tour, Phoenixville is close enough to count,

and the colonial theater does host live events just saying. I'm looking it up now and it actually looks like an awesome theatre. Can you, Dave, can you check how far that it is to one of our Canadian dates? Oh, good idea. Because I think in the short term, I don't know if you've been coming up with the news, Jason. We're probably not getting to the United States of America anytime soon. Canada is definitely your best option. Yes.

In the foreseeable. Toronto is just a short eight-hour drive. Okay. Beautiful. Very doable. That should be doable. That's doable. As a great Canadian friend, Al, said Trambley Birchill. A lot, Montreal.

Seven and a half hours. Okay, there you go. Just saved you an hour in the round trip. You're cute sometimes. And that sounds awesome. I'd love to go to Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, and check out all of that. It sounds awesome. I had a little bit of a Google of the town.

It looks beautiful. Colonial Theatre kept coming up. I think that's a local landmark that people love, and I can see why. Did the thing with Trump checking some? social media for Australians, that end up happening for sure. It is. Still on the cards, I believe. Yeah, right.

I don't think I've said anything that would, but he doesn't like you say anything negative about him. And only, I think 50% of my listenership. Yes. Your fandom. It's very pro-Trump. 50% isn't. Yeah.

And, you know, I try and reflect that. But they all can agree on one thing. Yeah. Which is that Matt Stewart. it is the best. Takes all tops. Takes all types. It's so funny when I do that bit on who knew it with guests who obviously don't know it.

So they're just like, oh, that's interesting. 50% of your audience like asparagus or whatever it is at the time. Putrid Kravis is the final. That quote of question this week. That's not the title. No, that's the name. Pute, so good to hear from you. We met Pute in person.

We did. Absolutely. Over in Wellington. American or Auckland. It was Wellington. Wellington. The Brisbane of the East. So Puteutred's got the title High Inquisitor of Crevices.

Also offering... I'm like, okay, this is pretty highbrowse. Also offering a brag saying, Hello, do go on, love meeting you in Wellington. Please come again. Sorry for my grand theft poster, but up their membership to repay. My brag is that Do we know he stole a poster?

So he's just admitted to theft. What the heck, Pute? No, I didn't see it. If we did know, we didn't remember. His card didn't work. Problem of the card. So we just said, hey, this one's on the house. This one's on the house, Pute.

For supporting the show on Patreon. Yeah. And then Pute offered to buy us beers, which is very kind. I think he maybe did buy me. And he might have bought you a beer. So we appreciate that Pute. And it came in a really hot glass. One of the beers that night came in a hot glass.

Yes. And we appreciate that Pute. And I've moved on. I don't think it was Putes one, though. I think that was one from Sarage. Yeah, Putes was icy cold. Yeah. Good one, Saraj.

Putes was so good, actually. It's the best beer I had that whole day. Wow. Thank you, Pute. It's a lot, Pute. On your Pute. Anyway, Pute goes on to say, my brag is that I completed a 75-day fitness challenge,

heart fitness challenge, no alcohol, drink four litres of water. Follow a diet. Over 75 days. No, I think each day. 75-5-5. Wow. Do two 45-minute workouts with one being outside and take a daily progress picture.

I was 188 cags and now I'm down to 155. Whoa. Well done. That's a commitment to do it every day. I just like the four litres of water, I'd love to do it, but I don't know if I could fit it in me. That's a lot. I'll give it a go. Although I did fit seven litres of beer in me in Octoberfest once.

So I guess never say never. Never. Beer is thinner than water, though. Beer is thinner than water. Yeah. You got a factor that in. You got a factor. You got a factor.

Never forget that. Never forget Africa. Never forget that about beer. Yeah. And I was a different man back then as well. I don't think I could fit seven liters of beer in me either, to be honest. You should, I took a fuck. Oh, this is embarrassing.

The other. Don't say it then. No, it was embarrassing. It's not embarrassing to tell you, my friends. But I had a couple of beers after the footy, although it's just like, not many, like four pots. And the bloat was crazy, like hard, rock hard, bloated, pregnant-looking belly. And I took a photo of it.

I'm like, might be handed out next time I'll see a doctor. I'm like, we're going about this. But then... You forgot you were naked? Recorded who knew it and took a photo afterwards. He hasn't confirmed that he was... Naked from the waist up. And then I was showing...

They go, oh, I can check the photo, the guests. I scroll back one too far. No, no, just the gut. Yeah. Ruben Kay, I think I'd just met properly that day. It was like, oh, here we go. That's so. I'm so sorry about that, everybody.

Obviously, the solution is to have four pots before you get at the doctor. Yes. You got an 11 a.m. appointment? But it was this specific combination of pots as well. They were four different beers. I guess I'd have to have them. And I'd also had a Philly cheese steak. You've got to factor all these things in.

Now, the next thing we like to do is shout out to some of our other great supporters. Jess, you normally come up with a game for this. So I do. So I do. I was thinking, oh, what animal they've taken on board as a pet. Excellent. Do you want to have a random animal generator? I mean, Dave, will do the names and places?

Dave, you want to do places or names? Looks like we've got a lot of mole people today. Okay, I'm happy to do places and say a few, shout out to a few moles. But first of all, from Eagle River in Alaska. Oh, that sounds like paradise. Thank you so much to Pamela Garrity. This one's fun because you spin a wheel. Let's see what it is.

Oh, wow. Currently, the example one was a French bulldog, which is exciting. But Pamela's taken a turkey. Oh, love that. They're also all emojis. So that's going to be fun. I think, yeah, Dave actually, when he tries to remember Pamela's name, he Googles Turkey. Hey, it works.

From Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oh, Tulsa, the king of Tulsa. Is that something? This Stallone TV show. I haven't seen it. Any good? You know, you know, like a sort of one of those shows you go. Distraction from life?

Yeah, yeah, totally. It's Jillian Coizil. Dave, do you want to have a crack of that name as well? I'd say Gillian's correct. Coizel? Coitzel. Coitzal.

And a dingo. Nice one. Keep it away from my babies. As we learned that is true. Absolutely. On an episode many years ago. Next up, this is our first one in the locations. Unknown to us.

Probably the fortune of the moles. It's Aiman. No surname, but Aymond's email just looks like maybe surname starts with them. And Aman's got a camel. Oh, man's not one. Yeah, but the camel's good because you're taking up as much space as you can. Dramadari? Or the other kind.

What's the other kind, Dave? Bactrian. Much rare. He knew he would know. And which one's which? Bactrian's the double humped? Yes. Yeah.

You go in the middle. From sort of Mongolia, China area. So maybe not that far away from... There you go. Where the story was almost set today when they almost got there. Next up from Mount Martha in Victoria. Oh, beautiful spot. It's Charlotte Colleton.

Who's got a cheetah. Oh, yes. A beautiful, sleek animal. Yes. Fastest land animal is it? Perfect for the sea. Oh, perfect for the sea. Oh, is that where we're...

They'll bring them onto the boat. Yeah. Oh, yeah, a lot of room to run around. We'll put him on the flagship. Yep. Next up, I believe it's another Fortress of the Mole Dweller. Hello and thank you to. Nathan.

So-name probably W. Nathan's got a duck. Oh, I love a duck. Love a duck. Not as much as Gary Chalk, who features on a podcast of the Science Hour. That guy loves ducks a little too much I've heard. Next up, we've got to. another fortress dweller.

It's Patrick Watson. Who's got an antelope. Oh. Our lunch is here. Do you guys think you could think of animals? Yeah. Oh, gosh, but we have to remember what's already been taken. There's not many left.

Okay. Antelope. That's pretty good. All right, next up, we've got someone who's awesome in the fortress of the malls. I'll do the animals. Okay. It's Kyle Rich. Kyle Rich.

Well, he's Rich. A panda. A giant panda. Your favourite animal. I love that's why I thought of it. I'm a red panda man. They're also incredibly cute. Yeah, and the original pandas, one of our listeners told us.

Yeah, I felt like a fraud for not knowing that. Exactly. It's like, so if anything, the giant pandas are not the fake ones. Because you call the Red Pandas fake ones. But unfortunately. They took umbrage. Yeah. Roughly so.

And I was telling a story about when I was about six years old. But I think Giant Pandas are still the superior panda overall. I think that they were commenting in the spirit of which you told. Yes, I'm actually so glad they did because that's the fact that I can now share. And it's locked in on my head. So, Carl, enjoy that panda. We've got two mod to go here. And they're both from the Fortress of the Moles.

We have... James McGrath. James McGrath. What people aren't trusting us with their addresses anymore. Come on, guys. You don't get a postcard. No, it's a postcard. I mean, you'd made it sound like they shouldn't trust us with it.

No. It doesn't make this part of the show a little probably more. not-ness, but more fun. James McGrath has taken on board very fast animal cheetah. We've had that one. Have we really? I just said,

have we done cheetah? Oh, man, I can't believe that. Dave. Okay, let me... He's had... Oh, camel. I know, I know. I'm doing that one.

Cheetah was... That's not a joke, though. What about... Um... Wait, Jess is back. Yeah, I'm back. You really... How many have you done in the top?

that I went downstairs. I think that's two. Right. That was the second one. And he got one. And he got away. And what was the one that you came up with? Do you trying to guess?

No. That's his favourite animal. Panda. Giant panda. Octopus. Octopus. Fantastic. Was that random?

Yeah. Oh, okay. And finally, Dave. I almost respected you for a second there. Finally, they are also in the fortress of the moles. Hello. Thank you. Lauren M.

Hippopotamus. Oh. Are we haven't heard that? We have not ever. No, hippo, a great animal. Thanks so much for all these recent supporters. Lauren, James, Kyle, Patrick, Nathan, Charlotte, Aeman, Gillian, and Pamela.

You say, that is Aymann, isn't it, even though it looks like Eamon? Mm-hmm. Yep, I knew that. I knew, I was just testing you. I think some people do the other one, though. Isn't there some Eamon? Just because... Ball and Parchers is always talking about Eamon home.

homes. One of those UK celebrities that I think, I'm like, well, it must mean something to UK people. Yeah,

usually they're real, real celebrities. It may as well be made up. It's funny either way. We've got two inductees into the Triptitch Club. This week, no inductees into the triple triptage club.

So this will bring us home here. Dave, do you want to explain how it works? Yeah, this is our basically Hall of Fame slash club. house, a bit of theater of the mind for people who have been supporting the show on the shout-out level or above for three consecutive years.

We've given them a shout a couple years back, but they've stayed true with us and because of their support, we're going to put their name up on the honor roll, on the wall. You wait for your name to be read out. You run on in. You go inside, there's food, game, drinks, stories to tell all sorts of beautiful things, pinball machines. Got a new one, Star Wars pinball. Whoa. Pretty good. I'm going to try and get a pinball machine for every episode we've done.

It was easy to start with Star Wars. Yeah. This week's episode will be tricky. Yeah. But I think I can get one. Yeah. H.H. H.H. Holmes.

That'll be an easy one. Yeah. But others, yeah, you'll find others. It'll be tricky. It's a big foot. It's big foot one. Spice Girls, pinball. Easy.

Easy. Done. Seeing as you only did really miss one name while you're at, Jess. So I feel, I'm going to tell you, Carl Rich. What a name. Oh, that is a great name. Thank you. So we've got two inductees.

But before we get to that, Jess, behind the bar, do you have a Baltic? Oh, can I just say one? Sure. You can suggest one? What about like a, there's Baltic-style beers. Yep, I got that. Yep. And really?

Yeah, but I also, I've been to Costco. Oh, yeah. And I got a lot of coal. Oh, great. So, coal-fired oven? Yeah. Yeah, that should help cool it down. I've cracked a window.

Great. Thank you. You probably get the black lung in here. Yeah. Ah, yeah. We're already dead. Yeah. Yeah.

Once you're in there, you're dead and you can't leave. But what would you want to? You don't need to. Shut up. Dave, you've booked a band. Is that true? You're never going to believe it. I've been trying to reach out to these guys for a long, long time.

And finally got back and said, yeah, we'll play some songs. It's closure in Moscow. Great Australian band. Fabulous. Closure in Moscow. Absolutely, fantastic. And it looks like they're on tour in the US coming up in May and August. Okay, so it is possible.

Yeah So The few Americans have said Please don't come at the moment Oh I thought they meant touring Okay I don't know I don't know

So let's just wrap this up Two inductees into the Triptitch Club this week They've been on the shoutout level Or above for three straight years Neither of them have given us their address So we assume they're both from deep Within the fortress of the Moles Please

make them both welcome Dave's on the stage, Theatre of the Mind style, emceeing the show. He's going to hype you up as you enter the club. Dave hypes up, Jess,

because Dave's so on confidence in this bit. And yeah, I'll read out your name. I'm on the door. Here we go, both from Fortress and Miles. First up,

welcome in Gunner Goodall. Your name's Gunner Goodall, but you make me feel Gunner Gradle. Oh, that was a huge lay. Sorry, I'm on Zoom. That's not true. And secondly, Finally,

Great block there, guys. From address unknown. I'm like, I don't want the listeners to think that. That's not true. Tell them the truth. No. No, she is not. No.

She's in the room with us wrong now. She's not on Zoram. Finally, address unknown. The email just has the word smile in it, maybe surname. But their name is Daniel. Dan, I'm a huge fan. Or I'm a fan of you. I'm a fanio.

I'm a fanio. That's fun to say. I'm a big faniel. Cocker Daniel. Like cocker spaniel. Doesn't matter. Welcome in Daniel. We got it.

It wasn't funny. Gunner. I actually didn't get it. Nice block. We need to eat. Sorry, Matt's on Zoom. No, he's not. Jess, anything we need to say before we go?

No, just fuck you. No, to the listeners. No. Get on our mailing list. That's the big one. Absolutely. Yeah, people might be wondering, why you chose those places in Canada? There's lots of cities there we chose those four because they were the ones that people signed up on the mailing list.

And also we can see a bit of data of the podcast downloads. But, you know, that really influenced where we picked to go. So if you want us to come to your country, your city, your place in the world, sign up to our mailing list. And hopefully we'll see you out there one day. Food at home, Dave. Hey, we'll be back next week. with another fantastic episode. But until then, I'll say thank you so much for listening

and goodbye. Wait a night. Woo! Thumbs up. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later,

oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester. But this way you'll never miss out. And don't forget to sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree, Very, very easy. It means we know to come to you, and you'll also know that we're coming to you.

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