Do Go On - 58 - The Pink Panther Robberies

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

This week a very sick Jess talks about the fascinating crime syndicate knowns as The Pink Panthers! There's poo talk, phlegm puns and a lot of Jess coughing (sorry). But there's also a really cool story! Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amana, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello. Hello. And do go on. No, it's hello and welcome to do go on. My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm being interrupted by Matt Stewart.

Hello, Matt. And we're not being interrupted by... Oh, Miss Polite over there. Jess, that was actually your cue to interrupt me, Jess. No, no, she's very polite. She will not talk. Yeah, so probably we'll have to eventually own up and let the listeners know. Jess couldn't make it in today.

She was a late withdrawal. So we'll have to start the show like we actually did originally, just Matt and I, and then we listened back and deleted those episodes forever. But we're doing one anyway. May I speak now? Oh. That's confusing. No, I'm here, guys.

Hi, Jess. Hi, Dave. Hello, Matthew. I apologize, Jessica. Hello, everybody. I'm here. Thank goodness. Well, you're here, but you're kind of dying.

I'm dying a little bit. I've been sick for the last few days, and I have. a bit of a cough. And what I'm noticing is that it's only really comes about when I laugh. So it shouldn't be a problem. On this show. Not something I'm known for. Don't worry.

Also, this show is very unfunny. It's very unfunny. It's not a funny. So I'll try my best to be as far away from the microphone if I'm coughing. But you know what? You're going to hear some coughing. Okay.

And yes, I do sound raspy and sexy. Thank you. The listeners should imagine it like Jess is coughing directly into their ears. Yeah. You're welcome. You're welcome. Yeah, it's like a little bit of me in Uri-Holes.

Oh. Yeah. What a me, E-E-Hus. In Uri-Hels. Oh. How are you guys? Are you well? I'm Flemm.

I mean, I wanted to make a pun that I couldn't think of it. I'm Flemm. I just said Flemm. I said, I'll say the word Flem and then I'll think of a word that sounds like that. Like, fine. I'm flam. I mean, fine. I actually would have been good if I'd just,

it would have been not good, but possible. Sure. Matt, how are you? Flem? I'm... I'm flam... I'm going on pretty well, thank you. That's great. It's great.

It was the week of Thanksgiving this week, which we celebrate in a big way down under. Huge way. Huge. We're all about it. All about Thanksgiving. Which is traditionally we go in as a family and get fake abs put in.

You know, each year we save up. I mean, this is this an Australian-wide? tradition Yeah, fake abs put in You're looking at me a little funny Jess, like you... I'm pushing my abs. Yeah.

Yeah, it's abs week. As we call it. Sweet, just another sweet riff. Some great abs I'm here. Look at phlegm. Yes! Instead of them, I said phlegm. Look at flam.

Yeah, we got it. Well, Matt didn't get it. There it is. I... Nice cough. I don't think we've ever done this before, but can we put the start of this episode in the bin and start again? You've asked for that many times and it never happens. No, we're off and firing early.

I can tell we are cooking with gas. And the best part is it's not like the sickest one here has to do most of the talking and do the report, is it, Jess? Yeah, but at least that means I won't be laughing that much. Yeah. Because I never enjoy my own episodes. Every third week you have a shit time. No, not a shit time. Just not as fun.

That's weird, because, you know, when Dave makes Flemn sound like other words, sort of, and I'd make this sweet improv riff about abs. I didn't even think of that until I said it. I could tell. I was one of those times where you assume that your brain is going to look after you. And then it just fucks you over. I genuinely need an explanation how you got to abs from Thanksgiving. Yeah, where'd that come from?

There was no link. What I was trying to do there, right, was... Inside the actor's studio. For any listeners who don't know about Australia, like, go, yeah, it's a big thing down here and then say some wacky activity that we get up to that, like, it sort of suffered over the journey from wherever Thanksgiving's from North America. And on the way down here, somehow it's got lost in translation and ended up... Initially, I was going to say you take your sister get fake breasts, but I'm like,

I'm editing and I'm going, no, that's, I mean, that's, maybe that's funny, but it's, no, can't say that. Sure. And then I'm like, I just looked down, um, to my abs. I went, yeah. To your abs. I think I've got it. I mean, this is all happening in a split second.

It's like that okay go film clip. Uh-huh. They came out a couple weeks ago or last week. And it's like, it's very quick. But my brain is moving so fast. Sure. None of the decisions that's making are good, but they're all very quickly made. So you're making, your brains are making millions of wrong decisions.

Yeah, one after the other. At what point has your brain thought that entire explanation needed to be said? It continues to think that. Okay. I have, and now I'm going to go back and underline some of the things. Dave, please stop here. I think this conversation is an absolute phlegm, gem. Okay.

That's the last one. That's the last one. It's not. I'm sure they'll be more. Grab that phleg that. What's that? Grab that gem is the catchphrase of the weekly planet podcast. Oh, our friends at the week.

quick plan it. Yeah. Grab that Flam. Oh, I don't think they'd be okay with that. Those two hosts, both of Flem,

so great. Those two hosts. Both of Flem. Both of Flem. I just wanted to say Flem, okay? It's a great word. Are you sure we can't put this in the bin?

This has all been so fucking bad. How about we do a report? Jess, it is your turn to do a report on a topic that I believe you've got from our listener suggested hat. And we always

start with a question to get on topic. Okay, so the question this week, I believe you've done a question similar to this in the past, Dave, because it's a really, it's a topic that I had not heard of, and I don't think you will have heard of it. So my question is just, have you heard of the Pink Panther Robberies? Have you heard of the Pink Panther Robberies?

And sync. And sync. I've definitely... I've heard of the Pink Panther movies. Sure, right. A cartoon spin-off and the Steve Martin remates. The Simpsons with Malloy. Yes.

Yeah. What was the question again? Have you heard of the Pink Panther Robberies? I'm guessing they've got to be some sort of a, what, like a copycat thing? Copycat. Like a Panther. No. I think that maybe I've heard of, like, is it the Pink Panther Rock, is it like a crime syndicate or something?

Yes. But I don't know any details. Wow. Because the initial, the movie plot about the Pink Panther, the gem, they were trying to grab that gem, which was a pink, called the Pink Panther. Grab that flam. They were trying to grab that flam. But do you think, this is like a chicken or the egg, what came first? The crime syndicate or the films?

The film's, like the Peter Sellers one's really old. I mean, I feel like the chicken and the egg one might be a little bit more philosophical than this thing that surely has an answer. Okay, well I was just trying to create some fun conversation Well, I'm just letting you know you did not achieve that You put all your eggs in one basket Or did the chickens come first Some sort of chicken wordplay Flam

Very good Thank you Flam Yeah, because the, what the Peter Sellers movies The first Pink Panther ones, right? They're quite old They're got to be 60s, right? Yeah Yeah

So, I don't know, but maybe this crime syndicate is old. I don't know anything about them. Well, luckily, I've done some bloody research. Oh, thank goodness. That is really handy. All about them. Well, I mean, as much as you can know, because they're a crime syndicate, so, like, well, they're always, like, we don't know a lot as well.

It's exciting. Oh, is it a mystery? Kind of. Oh, is this your first mystery, Jess? Well, I wouldn't say it's full mystery. Semi-my-my-my-my-my-stery. Oh, this has got me semi-my-my-my-my-my-stery. Oh, dear.

Please do go on. Oh, dear, dear, dear. So this was, this was suggested by Nicholas. I'm definitely going to say your name wrong here. It's Figueroa. Figueroa. He's at Nico Figgs. Nico Figgs.

So thank you, Nicholas. It was really interesting because I didn't know anything about them. So you hadn't heard of any of this? No, I hadn't. And I just did some bloody Googling. And I was trapped in a Wikipedia vortex. Oh, that's fun. Is that?

So a lot of this sort of reads like the plot of Matt Damon movies. Ocean's 11 specifically. Right, right. Why I pick Matt Damon out of that All-Star cast, I've got to pick Clooney, Pitt, Roberts. That little Asian guy. That does backflips. Ben Affleck's brother.

Casey. Casey, Affleck. Who's the bad guy's? With the Widows Peak Yeah I'll know it as soon as I say it Anyway Tim Flam

Tim Flam Got picked any of them When you said it was the last one Dave Six or seven Flames ago Were you lying? I knew he was from the beginning I never Flem

Fib Never Fib It's kind of a Two Guess It's kind of a guess The word that I'm replacing Oh okay

A bit of a quiz What a fun game It was a fun game. Flem you, Matt. Flem you. Love. Love you is what he say. Thanks, Dave.

Got it in one. That's adorable. Anyway, so Pink Panthers. So it reminds you of Ocean's 11? Yeah, kind of. That is cool because... Or like a lot of sort of crime heist movies. Yeah.

It's really interesting. Very cool. So they were named after the Pink Panther series of crime comedy films. The name was given to them by Interpol. The band? Yes. Yeah, the band. That's good.

I like them sometimes. What's that? The International Police? Is that that that's useful? Yeah. Now, the Pink Panthers are an international dual thief network. Oh, they target Jewel. See, that is so movie-esque.

Right? It's so cool. Like, you go along and you're like, I want these guys to win, and then you think about it. You're like, they're criminals. Yeah, but jewels. It's so cool, right? They're composed mostly of. of Serbs from Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia and Bosnia.

Oh, that's why you thought of Matt Damon. Yeah, Bosnia. And they are responsible for some of the most audacious thefts in criminal history. Do like an audacious crime. Audacious things are great in general. Absolutely. It's a good word. They're responsible for what have been termed some of the most glamorous heists ever. And one criminologist even described their crimes as artistry.

How cool is that? Wow. So even like, even criminologists are like, well, that's pretty cool. You guys know I majored in criminology, right? Yeah, I know, mate. You tell us a little time. Basically, basically a criminologist. So what do you reckon?

You reckon they're pretty cool? I reckon they were some of the most glamorous things that I've ever, whatever you'd flamed. I think you were quoting Matt. I think I flammed as you said flam, so that's good. Oh, there are definitely people who have turned off. This is a word that I would not like hearing repeatedly. Flemm? Yes.

Mm-hmm. I just wouldn't like hearing someone cough. That's even worse, probably. And I'm so sorry. I also had a migraine and I've been on a lot of pain killers. So I'm in a great place emotionally. Anyway. We're really scared about what to say.

She's going to go on a killing spree. An audacious one. Some of the most artistic killings we've ever seen. She's the Picasso of a murder. Aw, that's nice. In that she rearranged his face. Three eyes. You can see the back of his head at the same time as the front.

Where did she get the third eye from? We'll never know. Never know. Mushrooms, magic mushrooms. That's where she got the third eye from. Anyway, so the Big Panthers have targeted several countries and continents and include Japan's most successful robbery ever amongst their thefts. Some law enforcement agencies suspect that the group is responsible for over $500 US million in gold.

gold robberies in Dubai, Switzerland, Japan, France, Liechtenstein, Germany, Luxembourg, Spain and Monaco. Wow, so there's not exclusively jewel guys. No. Mostly jewels, but yeah, they'll pay if gold's there. If there's half a billion dollars of gold lying around, we'll go out. They're going to take it. They're not idiots, right?

Oh, okay. Yeah. Not idiots. Interpol said it's estimated that there are several hundred thieves in the group and that Many come from Croatia, Macedonia, Montenegro and Serbia. How do you keep track of a thing like that? Well, that's it. They can't.

But even inside the organisation. You can't. Wouldn't you doing that job in Sweden? No, mate, that was Switzerland. I always get him confused, whatever. And no one's slipping up as well. Well, that's what's amazing. And no one ratting.

Yeah. It's incredible. It's, I don't understand how it works, but it's amazing. Other sources say the gang is suspected of having maybe 60 members around 30 of whom are thought to be from Montenegro. Several gang members. People are 30 of whom are full-time, others on a more casual wage. Just, you know, when they've got the time.

More per hour, but they don't get sick or annually. Yeah, they're like seasonal. Like when they have some time off their 9 to 5 accounting jobs. Yeah, that's right. Like a bit of hobby money on the side. Yeah. Would they get taxed at a higher rate? Yeah, absolutely.

And that's, in that session tax. Do you have any jewel robberies to declare this year? I have no jewel. robberies to declare, apart from my phlegm. We'll never know what word he meant. Okay, five, little help from my phlegm. Oh dear. Anyway, several gang members are former soldiers with violent pasts.

They are fluent in many different languages and possess passports for multiple countries. Fake passports or real passports? Oh, I mean, excellent point. I don't know. We would assume fake, maybe. Yeah. You would assume. I'm supposed if you knew for sure

you'd be like, well, it's that guy's passport, so it's that guy. Yeah, oh yeah, good point. So, fake. In 1993, the gang first came to the attention of police and earned the nickname Pink Panthers following the theft of a 500,000 pound diamond from a jewelers in the Mayfair area of central London. The thieves hid the diamond in a jar of face cream,

which mimicked an act seen in the film The Return of the Pink Panther. So that's how they got the name Pink Panthers. an idea from the movie. Yeah, well, they seem to. I hit it in face cream. That were definitely the chicken. Oh, interesting, okay.

Came from the egg. But the egg, oh man. Tell you what. It just makes my brain flam. Brain flam is not a nice thing, is it? Yeah, you really should see a doctor. Anyway, in May 2005, Graff, a diamond specialist in London, was targeted by Pink Panthers and lost a total of one million pounds in jewelry.

In the space of six years during the 21st century, I like how they've worded that because it's like, it could be any six years, but it's a six year period. Sometime in the last 16 years. Exactly. The Pink Panthers robbed 120 stores in 20 different countries. Japan, London, Denmark, Monaco, Paris, Switzerland, United Arab Emirates and the United States have all been targeted. and their attention to detail has ensured this high rate of success. Before robbing a jewelry store in France, the gang covered a nearby bench in fresh paint

to deter anyone from sitting on it and seeing them in action. What? That is brilliant. I imagine being at the pitch meeting and being like, there's a bench there, we don't want anyone there. We paint it. But I would have been the guy that said, we don't need to paint it.

We just need a sign that says fresh paint. And that's why you'd be making the big bucks. We just saved like 30. for a can of paint. Yeah, and when you're making millions, you need to save the $30. Exactly. Everywhere you can. And then I'd be wandering past a private detective who's on holiday, but still got a

keen eye for everything. Just starts a looking out, I think that must be an old sign because I'd touch it and like, no, it feels dry. I'd take the sign off the back, sit there, witness the crime and lock you all up. Why am I involved? Well, you're all there. What have I? You're all there, mate.

Don't try. Oh, you're backtracking now. What's that in your hand? Is that paint? What's that in your hand right there? I've got literally nothing in my hands. Yeah, that's a fistful of gems. No, it's not.

It is. Oh, that's it. You're going away a long time, sister. Sequel to that Clint Eastwood movie, Fistful of Gems. Fis full of Flemm? It's great that we get to talk about gems on this episode. Yeah, there's so many opportunities. What have I shat on the seat?

What? No one would come up with ten feet of that seat. On the bench Look I'd still touch it to see if it was dry Caution Wet shit Hang on This shit isn't dry

What is dry On closer inspection This shit is dry This is beat in for a while Look I'd still touch it He's committed to To catch and crimps Let me get a thermometer

I'll tell you how fresh this is This was laid about 15 minutes ago What came first? The chicken or the shit? You know what he hates the most? Pooh joke That's why I went there because it shut him up If I was being interrogated by you as a police officer

I would just start making references to poo, poo, poo and shit And you'd be like, this interview was over And I'd be like, great, I'm free, I'm going home And I didn't even buy the paint Pooh, poo poo poo poo poo and shit poo-pooh, poo-bubub. Jess, can I ask you to poo-go-on?

He's genuinely dis-sil. Oh, God. I'm so sorry, everybody. I'm trying really hard. Can you hear the wheeze? Anyway, it's fine. I can hear the wheeze and the poo. Wee jokes.

Yeah, not as bad. Not as bad. Wee jokes are better. So if I weed on the seat, that would also take, I wouldn't sit on a park bench covered in Wee? How did you know it's Wee and not just rainwater?

I think it's got a pretty hefty. Distinctive taste. I always lick seeds before I sit on them. You must. Oh, you must. I was going to go with any of the other senses, but... What, feel? It would feel the same.

It's got a different feel. It's got a different sound. A different sound. Hang on. This sounds like piss, not water. There's a jewel thief going in there. Ah, and that's how they got them. Attention to detail.

Oh, have they got them? That's what I'm wondering. Anyway. Now, the gang is suspected of participating in at least two smash and grab jewelry robberies in Tokyo's Ginza district. Ginza. I've been there. I actually have.

The first in 2004 netted 3.5 million yen in gems, Flemns. The second, in June 2007, took jewelry valued at 284 million yen. That sounds a lot more. That's quite a lot more. The first was 3.5. I don't think 3.5 million yen's that much. Okay. All right.

But if somebody came up to you and was like, hey, just for nothing, I'd like give you 3.5 million yen. You'd be like, don't insult me. It's still a bit of money. Is that what you're saying, David? Is that what you're saying? Are you saying you'd be insulted by that amount of money? I have a few follow-up questions if someone offers me in the street in Melbourne. Well, look, mate, I'm either I'm giving you the money now or...

Or I'm walking. I don't need to answer these questions. I'm offering you a big chunk of dollars, mate. All right, how much is it? It's $41,000. Dave? Are you taking the money or not? I've really got to go.

Well, as a highly successful ass prod, I would probably say, don't make a fool of yourself. Wow. By offering or by not offering? No, by offering. By offering. That's a pittance.

I would take $41,000. I'd take that. Does anyone have it? Please. Oh, God, please. Patreon.com. Do you go on. No, no, no.

Dave doesn't need it. No, no, no. He doesn't want it. Please pledge. 41, no, 3.5 million yen per month. That's all we ask. Maybe just for a couple of months and then Matt and I can both have $41,000. I mean, that could be our next goal, 3.5 million yen per month.

I think it's better to set goals we can achieve. Just an idea. Fair enough. Anyway, so... The Pink Panther group are listening. So they've... Do you know what, though? Like, they quite probably are.

Do you reckon there's that many members? They're still active. Are they? Yeah. Wait, oh, so it's not a 70s thing. It's like a modern thing. Well, the first one that, well, when they first came to mind, was in 93. And then these two ones in Tokyo were in 2007 and 2004.

Like, they're recent. They're still out there. So quite probably they're listening. Is there a chance that one of us is in the gang? No. No. I'm so confident, no. Because of your complete lack of attention to detail.

Yeah, but they'd be so good that they'd make it, if I was in the gang, I'd dress like me. Yeah, because it'd be the next, like, the scene. But they don't. You walk out of the room, right, and then Dave does a little thing, and it reveals that he's known all along and he's been in, you know, those sort of. Slow zoom. Yeah. And you see. We're not in a film.

His name. No, we are. Well, aren't we? Be a shit, Phil. Well, there's a lot of editing to be done. You don't think our lives could edit down to a good 90 minutes? No. Imagine that.

Do you reckon? That is sad that, surely. My life isn't interesting enough for a 90-minute movie. I don't think I've done anything interesting. Math boy, how many hours have you guys been on the world? And then maybe me as well. Go on, Dave. And, you know, take 90 minutes out of that.

You're past your 10,000 days. What's, yeah, what's, okay, 10,000. So I've done 10,000 days. So you don't think I can get 90 minutes out of my 10,000. Well, what have you done that's movie worthy? I mean, have you seen movies like, Dave, name a shit movie? Um, it'd be like the Truman Show. Exactly.

Not a shit movie, but I just mean like. Great movie. It's a very good movie. Just a person living their life. Do you, are you looking for the word documentary? Yes. The Truman. show isn't one, Dave.

No, but like, it's just someone living their life and following them. Yeah. Documentary. Yeah. Maybe like the movie that Nick Cave was in called 10,000 days. What was that 20,000? 20,000 days. He's old.

Anywho, may I go on? Please. Thank you. The gang is also known for its daring escapes. Yes, this is what I'm talking about. Yeah. And attempts to break into their chosen store. They robbed a jewelry store in San Troupe in 2005 wearing t-shirts,

emblazoned with flowery designs then made their escape on a speedboat. That's great. That's really good. What's the flower? You said that's like clever and daring. But was it genuinely dare? All right.

That one's just kind of funny. All right, Wes, I bet you can't rub this in a fixed short next door wearing that stupid flowery shirt. All right. I'll wager you and I'm going to get all seven members matching shirts with our name, our nickname emblazoned on the back. And my address.

Buck party. In another robbery, four gang members dressed themselves up as women in December 2008. I'm assuming that were men. Otherwise, you'd just be dressing yourself. I'm a full breaking into France's Harry Winston jewelers in Paris. The gang escaped from the store with items worth over $100 US million. $100 million. Now, that is a heist.

Dave, I'm going to leave this $100 million worth of stolen goods with you. Are you cool with that? It's yours to keep. No, you're talking. You got to, I'd take $41,000 cash, spendable money. But you would know that there was something wrong with it, so I wouldn't take it. Yeah. As a suspicious person.

Where do you start when you're going to on-sell stolen gems? Yeah. Yeah, well, hmm. Ah, maybe I'll stop interrupting. I will tell you. There's also growing speculation that the US $65 million highest on the 6th of August 3,000, which was of an exclusive London jewelry store was the work of the same group. A key element in the speculation is that the men who looted graft diamonds on New Bond Street

made no effort to hide their faces, suggesting that they'd been able to alter their looks with Mission Impossible style prosthetic makeup. Oh, that is so cool. It's so cool. Are they like a group that comes out like ISIS and claims attacks, or do people just go, oh, that must have been the pink, but do they have like a Twitter account or something? Like, we've struck again or a business card. Well, they don't even call themselves Pink Panthers.

Not really. It was a title given to them. I suppose they probably do now. But initially they weren't like, okay, guys, what should we call ourselves? How much would you be if you're like, oh, let's call ourselves the seven diamond snakes? And then the media calls you something else. You can't really issue a press release. Actually, we've decided to change our name, a new direction.

Where the fuck did you get Pink Panthers from? You totally could, though. We don't do diamonds anymore. We're more gold bullion. So if you could call it. the golden lads. Yeah, the bullion boys. Bullion boys.

Yeah, that's better. I'm letting Jess name me. The golden lads. But there are ladies in the groups too. So, and they play a very important role. Yeah, Dave, you sexist, pee. Which I will talk about. The politically correct, golden people.

We are now called the golden people. I actually quite like, I often refer to myself in a group as the something boys all the time. I just think it sounds funny. The dogoon boys. Doogoon boys. I call you two my potty boys in. in, like, if people are like, what are you doing? I'm going to catch up with my potty boys.

I mean, Matt hates that because it sounds like potty. Do you hate that, Matt? Yeah. Sounds a bit like we're potty pals. What else should I call you then? Your golden boys. My golden boys? I'm happy with that.

Golden shower boys. Yes, now we're getting... Golden shower flames. Now we're getting warmer from your piss. How good does it feel to make a piss joke? It feels good. You did it. You did it.

Now just do a poo one. You'll feel great. I don't want to. I don't. Okay. All right. Look, baby steps. Yeah, we'll get there. We're proud of you.

Thank you. Proud of poo. What's really interesting is that not a lot is known about the group, obviously, because they're quite secretive. A documentary was made in 2013 called Smash and Grab. Was it just like, are you in the group? No. How about you?

No. How about you? No, but I'm Banksy. Wrong doco, mate. Wrong doco. Don't make me laugh, you bastard. No, that's very funny, though. Banksy boys.

But I'm Banksy. Not now. Not now. Wrong documentary. The documentary, smash and grab. Interviewed reporters, detectives and Interpol agents, as well as actual members of the group. What?

But they didn't show their faces properly. They would... How do they get in contact? They put an ad in the New York Times. We want to interview. Yeah, they just put an ad in the New York Times. Like, Matt could have just shown up and said, Yeah, I'm in the group.

Yeah. We wear floral shirts. We drive speedboats. What do you need to know? Well, I'm a Pink Panther boy. I like the shit on benches. Look. Do you got any more questions?

That was me. Do a DNA test. I did the poo. It was me. Yeah. I'll do one right here. Can you wait? I just did one.

A poo joke. Yeah. Not a poo. No, God not. I even though the word is fuck. It feels gross. So funny. It's too evocative.

It's so funny that you're all the one who said the C word the most on this show. But you can't say, Pooh. Yeah, the Seawords a bit of fun. Pooh's fun in a way. Pooh's even more relatable than the Seaword. I would agree. We all poo.

But we don't all see. Can you tell me about the documentary? Yes. So they interviewed them. Like, that just blows my mind. They're a secretive group. They interviewed them. I think there was mostly audio recordings,

and they sort of animated their faces, so you don't know what they look like. And they didn't use their real names. No, no, request? Can I please have a mustache? Yeah. I can't grow one. I would like to look 30 years younger, please. Please.

So, I watched the documentary. Okay, I watched it. So, and what, do you just, they're animated and you just hear? Yeah, I'm just one of these people that. No, it's actually... No, it's actually... No, it's not like that. I'm from the Pink Panther group.

They're quite often voiced by actors. So they've, like, interviewed them, taking transcripts, and then they're revoiced by actors. Is that why you thought of Matt Damon? They got him to read it? Yeah, Matt Damon. Damon's in it, yeah. Hello, I'm from the Pink Panthers. Matt Damon.

So, yeah, you don't know what they look like and they don't use their real names, but it's actually really well done. Were the actors worried about being arrested? No, but again, you don't see the actor's faces either. But did you enjoy this docker? I actually did. I thought it was done really, really well. It was very interesting.

They also had, like, surveillance footage from the actual heists as well. Right. And it was just kind of interesting because, like, when you try and research Pink Panther robberies, you don't. really get a lot of information because not a lot is known. So it was kind of cool to hear inside scoops. And what did they actually say the people that were interviewed and then acted out or whatever? Well, I'm not going to say word for word, am I.

I'm going to summarize as I've taken note. I took nine pages of notes. What? Like I sat with my, I sat on my laptop in bed writing notes in my notebook. Handwritten notes. I highlight it. I'm going to say in hand by hand. In hand.

You had an in hand. I took, I had an in-hand chef. Taking notes for you. Taking notes. We're putting those notes up on our Patreon. Yeah, you can see my notes. No, that's our auction. On our eBay account.

Just as handwritten notes. Maybe even Sotheby's or whatever that big. It's the big one. The auction house. You know how I talked about putting my toe print on the Christmas cards? We've had quite a few tweets of people saying they want that. Yeah, good one, dickhead. I have not seen any of those tweets.

All right. They made number three plus. And that plus could be wrong. Three. Up to three. That is a baffling amount of people who want your filthy feet. Toe prints on their Christmas card. I'm going to put one on everyone.

From now on the rule is you have to tweet it if you don't want the toe print on your Patreon Christmas card. You're going to go a big toe? Because that'll take up a lot of room for where we'd like to write notes. My toe is very small. No, that's true. Like a tush. It's like a pinprick. What if anybody wants a print of your tush?

Can we cover your tush in ink and put that on a postcard? You'll have to contribute a little bit more than $5 a month. I'm thinking $3.5 million a month. That's how much you think your tush is worth. That is interesting. No, it is Tush's Tush print. Oh. My real Tush is worth $35 million.

Okay, take out the decimal point. That's right. Times 10, you get the real thing. Oh, wow. It's enough to make it probably worth it. If you're willing to put $3.5 million in for the Tush print, you're probably willing to go the whole way for the whole tush. That is my thinking.

Wait, and how does that work? That's smart. The whole, it gets cut out. Yeah. That's right. Cut off. Putting your butt bone and... Then how do you, how do you walk and poop?

I, well, you have to make sacrifices. You do that for the pod? Yeah. And for the millions of dollars. I would... Actually, I think it's more like $400,000. I would like to go on the record and say I will not be cutting off my tush for this podcast. I love this podcast more than anything else I do.

But has anyone interested in your tush like they are in my tiny tush? That's a great point. No. Don't put that out there. That is an excellent phone. Also, my to-ish is male-friendly. It's so small. Mail, M-A-I-L.

Well, if you pay $35 million, I don't care what gender you are. Why would you? Do you care if they... Why would you care what gender they are to the mailing of your... You're ass to them? What's happening? But you could mail M-A-I-L-M-A-A-L-M-T-H. I will now be spelling out every...

I'm a nym that I come across. Fabulous. Just in case. Hey, do you reckon I could talk about this documentary some more? I think everyone wanted to do that. I think they'd prefer me to cough at this point. Nine pages of notes. Nine pages of notes.

Please go on. What's interesting is that like unlike other crime groups, they're very organized and they're incredibly fast. What's funny about that day? Stop your right there. Yeah. He really didn't let you get in two days. Oh, he didn't at all.

I said one dot point. Because organized crime is a well documented thing. No. Unlike many groups that you may have heard of, the mafia, the Yakuza, these people are actually organised. Okay, more organised than your bloody kids running into a 7-Eleven with a baseball bat, all right? Or the bling ring. Thank you.

Yeah, they were quite organised. Fucking up. All right, no, pardon me. My point being is that they prepare, they scope out places, they plan the robberies very thoroughly. They're viewed almost with the Robin Hood kind of feeling. Like, people interviewed, like, normal civilians. Kind of said they thought, like, good on them. But the key point of Robin Hood is that he did not keep the money.

He gave the majority to the poor. Fuck, you would just rip everything to shreds, weren't you? But there definitely is the thing, and I feel it a lot as well where I'm back. And in this show, when you're talking about criminals, I'm normally barrican for them to get away with the DB Cooper and those guys. I'm on board. I said what I just said, but I love these guys. Yeah, they're so cool.

But I think it's just that they're stealing from, like, big companies. Yeah, that's yeah, if they're stealing from, let's like, what do you got? Just rattle out your little piggy bank there, little girl. Or someone take your life savings. $17, I still take it. Oh, no, you took a diamond away from someone that was willing to pay $5 million for a diamond. Exactly. Yeah, I'm with you.

Yeah, so it's pretty interesting. Even detectives and some of the Interpol agents kind of tip their hat to them in a way. It's kind of a sense that they're so good at what they do that it's impressive. It's really, like, even Interpol, it's kind of like, geez, good on, I reckon. Yeah. No, not really. But then they tend not to be violent at all. Now, according to one gang member, the group is made up of many small teams.

There's no one big boss controlling everything. There's no boss. No. There's like a wide chain of command. And there's no like head honcho. No. Like a mafia. Never work.

Well, apparently it bloody does, champ. And he says, to do what we do, you need to be smart and skilled. So how did it all start, I hear you asking? I wrote so how did it all start? God, nine pages of notes. I'm keen to know how did it all started. Well, after the breakup of Yugoslavia,

there was a series of political upheavals and conflicts which caused the Yugoslav wars. That is actually in the hat. Someone has asked about... The Yugoslav were in the countries it's split up into it. Well, there you go. And around that time, so it was between 1991 and 2001.

A lot of people became involved in crime because there weren't jobs for them, and a lot started with smuggling goods across borders, started with clothing and then jewelry and then other things sort of followed from there. One of the Panthers, who's referred to as Mike, described his best job, which was in Spain. This is really cool because, like, he sort of gives you the, how it works from their point of view. So it was a boutique jeweller that had really beautiful products. Diamonds galore.

I wrote Diamonds Galore. Did Mike say that? That's a Perkins. They scoped it out, but they noticed there was no easy way to access the store. But then... Wow, they didn't have a door. Do things differently in Spain? I've always said that.

I've always said that. So there's no easy access to the store. So then they had an idea. Souvernear shop next door. What? Yeah, right. It's got a door. It's got a door.

You got a door, then you've got a gym. That ad was incredible. Got to have that translates. I think it's an American guy. You got a door. You got a door. Then you got a gym. And also a way to get into the building.

But more importantly, a gym. It doesn't work every way, though. You got a gym? You don't definitely have a door. Let me tell you that. You probably have a door. But some gyms, they don't have a door. What gyms don't have a door?

Okay. Okay, I got to go. and then he runs into the wall because there's no door. What the fuck? What the fuck? This gym's gone on the door. I'm going to die in the gym.

That's why I look this good. I've lived in a gym for ten years. Yeah, food. In hindsight, I may be locked in the prison gym. So, in most if you're on every group, there is one woman.

And Mike says there's only ever one. I don't know. He doesn't really explain why. Maybe they get too catty. I don't know. They can't be dressed in the gym. Let me tell you that. They love dwarfs.

You ever seen a girl in the gym? I don't think so. Well, not in my gym. I'm the only one here. I'm trapped. Please send help. Please. The women in the Panthers have to be exceptional.

Mike says they have to be exceptional. They're intelligent. They're beautiful, elegant, and they need to love money. Sounds like you're describing yourself that Jess Perkins. Oh, my God. Dave Warnocky. Thank you so much. That's right.

I needed that. You're beautiful, you're clever, and you're obsessed with money. I am, I love it. Patreon.com slash Google. Support Jess's diamond habit. What are you doing with them? I've got a habit for diamonds. Anyway.

Now, the woman in this group was referred to as Lena. She was interviewed as well, and she was fascinating. Like, the way she spoke about herself was, like, so arrogant. She was like, oh, I was beautiful. But if you know you the best. No, absolutely. They have to be exceptional. We only, in the Panthers,

we only accept women of an exceptional quality. They got to be beautiful. Is this a brando? I'm not sure. I don't know. It's quite, I think it's a good brando. It's a very good brando. It's better than most people that claim they're good at it.

Oh, you guys. Yeah, that was kind of, I found my calling. Compliments galore tonight. That's one. So, back to the, back to the souvenir shop. Nice. Lena befriended the Spanish owner of the souvenir shop.

And she didn't purposefully seduce him, but she said he was infatuated by her looks. But she did seduce him. But she seduced him. But it's like, I didn't go in there to seduce him. But, you know, one thing led to another. He hired her to work at the shop, not really to sell things because their Spanish wasn't good enough,

but to oversee the running of the business. So basically just to hang around. But the other workers couldn't understand what she said. But she was so pretty. Hey, hey, your manner, I don't know what you're saying, but the tone seems off. You're 10 minutes late. Ke?

Ke. Keseo or eh? Does that mean something? I don't speak Spanish. See. So she had to gain his trust in order to be able to scope out the building itself, including the internal wall that joined to the store to the jewelry store next door. So she's just kind of like scoping out the building.

Oh, what's this over here? Just checking for studs. What's going on here? Okay. He's like, oh, good. Lina's really like. loving that wall. I just like walls.

Anyway, I'm real pretty. So that's her shtick. Nice. So she monitored the jewelry store as well and noted when they opened and closed, when they were going to get coffee, the habits of the people working there. They probably had a sign on the door. Probably could have just figured that out of herself. Probably Google it.

It's apparently closed on Sundays. Yeah. That information took me a year and I slept with 17 people. Some of those were tourists. I just asked me if they'd been to that store yet. Anyway. Most of them didn't pay off. Works work, huh?

You know, you got an 11. This is irrelevant to that, but just another thing I believe. Just spout philosophy. In these teams, a woman is the most important member. A man could stick out in a jewelry store, but a woman can browse and try things on and not stand out at all. I don't know. Wow, there's been like seven muscular Serbians

that have tried on tiaras in the last hour. Weird. That usually happens on Fridays only and it's Monday. What a memorable day. If anybody were to ever ask, if anything suspicious had happened recently. I'll check the security cameras on this day. Most importantly, though,

the woman's job is to scout the shop and take account of everything. Who's there, how many displays are there, distance between displays and counters, how many cameras, entrances, all that sort of thing, right? So Lena would take a ring into the store and say she'd lost weight and needed it to be resized.

And so while they're doing that, she's got enough time to have a look around and assess everything. And she's not suspicious because she's waiting for them to do it. So she's got all this time. Smart. That's really good. Very smart. This is really cool.

When she returned home, another member of the team would sketch the floor plan based on her descriptions. So now they've got an idea of the floor plan of the store. It's like Ocean's 11. It totally is. So cool. But it also seems doable. Between the three of us, we could totally do this.

Don't say that on a podcast. Fuck. Now, it's recorded. Yeah, we'll never do it, right, guys? We'll never do it. Matt is not winking. Hey, no, I don't think you should say. No, no, I said you're not winking.

Oh, okay, great. He's still not winking. But why were you winking when you said that? Well, definitely. I made it very confusing. I'm a really bad winker, so I probably can't join me. Yeah, you're a very exaggerated winker. I'm a great winker.

Go again? It's one of those. Just like a... Oh, that's delicate. I'm a delicate wink. It is an wink of an exceptional quality. Is that part of the audition?

Yeah, you've got to be able to wink. You're such a subtle winker that I think... Hang on. Did you do that? Yeah. I would need two to confirm. Go one? Or double.

I just did it a quick double. Fuck, you're good. Yeah, thank you. Anywho, so this this heist took four months of planning. Then one night, During a festival celebration, they decided to pounce. With all the noise and the music from the festival happening in the street,

no one could hear them breaking through the wall of the souvenir shop. They made a hole in the wall and they squeezed through. They ignored the jewels on display because they knew they were all alarmed. Mike said they always alarmed the cheap stuff as a decoy. The really good stuff is in the safe. What? So all the stuff in little displays that you could grab. He's like, no point.

That's cheap shit and it's alarmed. That's a great tip. Very good. Which I will not be using, and I'm not winking. Well, I wouldn't want to wink anyway. Okay. I'm confused. If you say I'm not winking while winking, does that mean you are winking?

I think the wink overrides the words. Okay. I'm going to be terrible thieves. But a wink means you're saying what I'm saying is not really true. So if you're saying, I'm not winking while you're winking, does that overrule your words to mean that you are winking? All right, let me be more straight here. I'm going to rob a jewel. store

tonight. He did not wink. He didn't wink. That means... He's fibbing. I'm very... He's Fleming. He's Fleming.

He's Eamming. He's Eam-Flemming. Ian Fleming. The number one flimmer. Anyway, so all the good stuff's in the safe. So they go to the safe. They try to open it, but they can't get it open.

Jeez, Louise. So they go get a carjack from the van. Pick up the safe. Put it in the van. It feels like the safe. The safe shouldn't be movable. Well, apparently it is. But they just, with a car jack too.

What do the jack do? Get it off the floor? I guess. It's like a lifter. Yeah. You got a leaner. Now you've got a lifter and leaner. What are you, a lifter or a leaner?

That's very good. Lifter is the second most important person. Yeah, Lena's the most important. The lifter, second most important. So they drove, they drove, they drove the van, like through the festivities and out into the forest where they'd be safe, and they worked on it all night, and they couldn't get it open. And they had to wait until morning so they could go and buy additional tools they needed to get it open. And once they had the extra tools,

it just took them just over an hour to get it open, and they found... Here we go. That it was full! Oh, I honestly thought empty. No. Three bags of stones, two bags of bracelets, and one bag of watches. Three bags of stones, though, hello. When the robbery was reported in the news, it was said the hall was $3 million worth of stuff.

This is so funny. Mike said there was also a dildo in the safe, and he said, I bet you they didn't declare that to the police. What? Was it diamond studded? But I would also really like if somebody who was working at that jewelry store was watching this documentary now, and he says that, they're like, oh, shit, he's legit.

I did not declare that. Oh, no. So, what happens from there? Do you mean what do they do with the dildo? No, what do they do with the jewels? The dildo, I believe. Oh, yeah, that's probably, you'd do anything with. So, the gang take the stones to their contact in Belgrade.

He has to sell abroad, and it's too risky for the Panthers to... What, Lena? He has to sell abroad. Oh, my dear. Took Dave a little too long. That's okay. Comedy's not first nature for all of us. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, that hurts. I think she was referring to me. So it's too risky for the Panthers to do it, right? So they go through their contact. And a courier takes the stones to a mediator to sell, and that takes a couple of days. Panthers take 20 to 30% depending on the value of the diamond, and the courier takes a 5% cut.

So it's like a really quick turnaround. It's like you've done the theft. You've done a theft. You've thieved. And then within a few days, you've got cash in hand. Okay. So in the 90s, the US asked the UN to prevent diamond smuggling because the war in Sierra Leone was being financed by diamond trade.

So America then requested that every diamond traded in Sierra Leone had to have a certificate of its origin. So the Pink Panthers would take their diamonds to a man, referred to as Mr. Green, who would process the diamonds and forge diamond certificates. Saying they were from Sierra Leone. Yeah, or just like they'd wherever, like they'd have an origin and they'd be authentic. But what they would do is like the diamonds are cut,

and reshaped and therefore they get smaller. So if there was a 30-carat before, it'll be a 15-carat now. And it's almost, like, it's not possible to prove that they're not clean, according to Mr. Green's. Like, you can't prove that they're not clean. It's like they're almost new diamonds. Oh, wow. And ironically, his biggest client is America.

And he's like, I've never been to... That's a big client. Big client. America. A whole country. Whole country. He said, I've never been to America, but I know that my diamonds are on the hands of their brides. Ooh, take that America.

You're dick. No, we've got a lot of American listeners. We love you. Thank you. But if you have a diamond on you, it's a Panther diamond. Is that bad, though? It gives a shit.

That's more fun. I reckon your marriage is definitely going to succeed if you're on a Panther diamond. Okay, you're really on the side of the Panthers, aren't you? Yeah, big time. I like it. That's good. I haven't killed anyone yet.

Yet. No, I don't think, well, I think they might. So what I want to kind of, finish with is a list of their arrests. Just a few of them. So some have been busted. Some have been busted. But remembering that, I mean, some sources think there's 60 of them and others think

there's hundreds. A few arrests, there's still plenty of them out there. But the people that are arrested obviously aren't ratting. No. But that's the thing. Because they're all part of small groups and there's no big boss, like if you rat, you may rat out, like let's say you, the three of us are a team. I know YouTube, but it doesn't mean I know other people in the same organization.

Like, I know this team. Right. So I can write out you and you, sure, and then we're all fucked. But that doesn't bring down the whole organization. But then you don't you write out your guy who's the link to the next guy? Maybe. And then they follow that chain or they try to. Maybe.

I don't know. I'm not a criminal myself. You've got some tendencies. Me? Criminal tendencies. Yeah, you're very smooth. Am I? Yeah.

Okay. So that time you stole a hundred things? That time I stole a hundred things. Hearts. Fellers. A hundred hearts at once. Ooh. What am I doing about?

She was at a cow farm. Oh no. So it was not as impressive as it first sounded. No, they have multiple stomachs. Oh, no. It's quite late on a Friday night. You know, cows with their four hearts. They got four hearts.

Yeah, the grass. starts in one chamber and moves to the next. What did you think they needed four hearts for? Then again, what do they need four stomachs for? Am I right? I don't think the stomachs thing's real either. Yeah, it is. No, I don't think so.

I think it's just like sections of the same thing or something. Oh. This could be like when you told our listeners if they ever lost an arm to put it in milk. Look, don't listen to us for science. It turns out that I was thinking of tooth, and even that was wrong. Look, don't listen to us for anything. Don't listen

Listen, ask for things No, don't, don't do it That's enough No, I like it when they listen Yeah, me too Yeah, listen Just don't take the advice At face or any other value

I'm sorry for coughing on you Okay, so some of their arrests The thieves have been identified And linked through DNA matching According to Interpol In 2005, three Serbs Two men and one woman Were arrested in Belgrade

In October 2007, they were sentenced to jail terms by a court in Serbia for the theft of the Comtees de Vendome necklace, which is worth approximately 15 million pound or 30 million US dollars from a Tokyo jeweller. And that was Japan's biggest ever jewelry robbery in March 2004. So they got busted for a big one, for a fancy necklace. That's a big, that's a big, big bust. I kind of like imagining that one, sort of like the necklace from the Titanic. You know, like it's a real fancy necklace

It's the heart of the ocean Yeah, it's probably even fancier Um Wow Even fancier Probably And then Rose this bloody drops it in the water What are you doing Rose

Give it to your kids Help them out you're fucking idiot No she drops it in the ocean Sorry spoilers For everyone who hasn't seen Titanic Also What bit What bit does that spoil

Hang on someone called Rose Is gonna drop something in the sea I hope that chip's all right In 2009, French police in Monte Carlo detained another three members of the gang when they were seen loitering near jewellery shops in Monaco so smart. Shout out to our one listener in Monaco.

I was going to say, yeah, we've got a regular communicator from Monaco. Hello. One of the three arrested, his name was Dragon. It's a fucking great name. Is that a code name? No, his name is D-R-A-G-A-N. It's a name. Love it. It's a great name.

First one son. I can't say his last name, so I'm just going to call him Dragon. He was of special interest to the police investigation. He's from Serbia, and is on Interpol's most wanted list, possibly being a senior member of the Pink Panthers. He's also been on the run since 2005 after breaking out of jail via a ladder whilst other people fired machine guns at the prison. So he just scoots out down a ladder.

Because there was no door. No door. Guys, I can't find this door. How about this door? Hey, how about this ladder? Machine guns. You got a ladder, you got a gym. Well, you know.

It's all the same thing. No, let's be honest, you got a ladder. You got a ladder. But that's quite important. Most, or sort of the most recently, in 2013, a member of the gang escaped from a prison in Switzerland, and he hasn't yet been caught. He's still on the run.

He's still out there. What's really interesting is, like, one of their biggest, heists was in a mall in Dubai in 2007 and it was like a scene from the Italian job I think I would liken it to. Original remake. Mark Wahlberg in the remake. Who's in the original? No idea.

Steve McQueen or someone like that. Someone super cool. Patrick Swayze or you know. Robert Redford. Yeah. Gary McDonald was in it, that's for sure. Anyway, they backed, so they had two cars, two Audis. Two minis.

No, Audi's, unfortunately. Inis of minis or outies? No, no, no. Minis are... Belly button joke. Belly button joke. So one of the cars backs in to the door of... Gangster style.

Yeah, you've got to be ready. Backs into the door of the mall. And the other one follows. And then they get out of the car. They smash into the jewelry store. they smashed like the front window, grab all their stuff, get back in the car,

out the door, onto the highway, and the police later were like, that took, the whole thing took less than 10 minutes, like including getaway, out on the highway, get far away,

ditch the cars, burn the cars, get in the getaway car and take off less than 10 minutes. That's super cool. It's very fast and efficient and crazy. That is really good.

You'd want to be making some sort of a profit when you have to burn a couple of luxury cars. Yeah, I think there may have been rentals or probably stolen. But, I mean, you're basically stolen them and burnt them. I guess they're easy to liquidate, liquefy. What do you say to turn something into money? I don't know. We've never made anything.

We've never made anything into money. Yeah. I guess a car is a lot. I stole. Anyway, fucking shut up. It's going to say that. There's Michael Kane. Michael Kane.

You looked that up. My name. No, that's not good. No, that was pretty good. Go again. No again. My name is Michael Kane. That's not bad.

It's quite good. I am. Michael Kane. Oh, that's pretty good too. Michael Kane. You rarely meant to blow the bloody dolls off. Master Wayne. Master Wayne.

I'm in the Italian job. And I'm here to tell you. I was also in Zulu. Zulu. and I am in a Batman movie. There's a madness song. There's a madness song about me called My Name is Michael Kaye.

And it goes a little something like this. My name is Michael Kay. That's the chorus. Catchy Chan. Do yourself for favour. Wow. Bits of vague English, some clearly a thing.

Australian with a weird sound. Molly Meldum's catchphrase. I do the lot. Do yourself a favour. Do yourself a favour. My dream is that do yourself a favour will become my catchphrase.

I say it more than he ever has already. Do go on a favour. Do go on a favour. What about this one? Do yourself a Molly Maldrum. Do yourself a Mollie. Maybe just a Mollie. Mollie.

Our international listeners don't know who Mollie Maldrum is. Really? They don't know who Mollie Meldrum is. The man who, produced the real thing by Russell Morris? I don't even know who that is. I really don't.

Oh, really? The guy... Come and see the real thing. Come and see the real thing. I was on Molly. Was I produced by... There's a really mean there. There's a really mean thing.

Come and see the real thing. Come and see the real thing. Come and see. I am the real, real thing. Oh, ma. Ma. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma.

Umama, um, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma'am. My voice is good. I mean, a majority of that's Russell Morris, I guess, but... Yeah. Russell Morris. That's a funny name. Anyway, that's sort of, um, it's kind of, it's kind of a topic that leads to a lot of dead ends, because... Because that's what they want you to do.

Exactly. Yes. They're still out there. There's not a lot of information about them. There's, I kind of want them to just keep going. Would you join them if you could? No. Oh, just because...

Are you not exceptional enough? I'm not exceptional. Is that still a thing? We can only have one woman. She has to be exceptional. We'll accept any fuck-head man. No, but they won't, though. They're not just your basic crooks.

They are, like, very good at what they do. Like, they're really good at, like, breaking into safes. And, like, they're very skilled. So they're not idiots. They're smart people. And you've got to, like, that's the thing. They take so long to scope out places. I'd get bored.

I'm like, ugh. Oh, let's just do it tonight. Yeah. I've got the night off. Let's do it. I'm bored. I'm bored. I got the shit ready to go.

Come on. Let's put it on the bench. No, no, we've got three months till this shit on the bench maneuver. Oh, I've got to hold onto this shit for three months. Just keep holding, all right? I'm going to cover the whole fucking bench. Yes, and the plan will come off. Just wait.

Nobody's going to sit on a bench. covered in shit. That's not the perfect plan. What would happen is I'd be Michael Kane. I'd be recruited and they'd be like, alright, mate, we'll give you the easiest job. You just have to make sure no one sits on the bench.

And in my head I'll be like, I got this. And I'll get arrested shitty on the bench. I just rat them all out. And I'll bring down the whole Pink Panther group. I just squatting on top of a bench. Like at 12 o'clock in the afternoon. His kids play. Yeah, kids.

The lunchtime, right? I've done it on a Sunday. With your tiny butt, I do picture like sheep-style pellet. Just like one at a time. Just rolling off the bench. And I just have... And they're like, ugh. I have to physically place them one by one.

I super clue my own shit onto a bench. And then I get around... Excuse me, sir, what are you doing? Don't you know who I am? I'm my cocaine. That would be my alias. There's Mr. Green. There's a

Leena Mike Michael Kane Did it all there That's so good Isn't his name Not even Michael Kane Yeah that's right

It's not Oh no I think he might have Changed it recently By deed call Yeah he might have actually Yeah I don't know Anyway

That's my report I'm really sorry For coughing lights I'm very sick Oh his name is Maurice Joseph Micklewhite Miquite

Maurice I'm Maurice Miquelwhite Pardon? I mean Michael Kane. But he's changing it because apparently, I think this is what I read, he was saying that at airports and stuff, people go, no, you're not. Yeah, yeah.

What's up? What's up? There's someone's on and then it'd just hold him up for agents. What do you mean? They say, you're not Michael Kane. No, they'd go, you're not Maurice. You're Michael Kane. Whatever, you're Michael Kane.

You can't come in. I know you're a celebrity, but you can't have a fake passport. And he'd be like, no, that's my actual name. Michael, Michael King is a stage name. Betty does have a fake passport because he's part of the Pink Panther group. I'm convinced. I've seen the evidence. He's from the Italian job.

Jess Perkins is a stage name. What's your real name? What I'm not going to tell you, am I? Is it Michael Kay? Yes. Is it Jessica Ann Perkins? Yes. That's too lengthy.

So I just go for Jess Perkins. It's punchier. What a stage name. Just bought Perkins. Pretty good stage name. It's one of the best. I have changed my Twitter name to Bop. It's great.

Jess Bop Perkins. Yeah, I appreciate it. I like it when the listeners call me Bob. You've raced ahead of me on Twitter. I reckon some of, like, people will follow Do Go On and then follow some of us individually. Yeah. I reckon they all follow you, and I reckon maybe one in three. Why do you think that is?

Because of my fire content. I think it's fire content. Honestly, I was at 996 the other day, and I messaged my good friend Sam Taunton. And I said, Sam, because I was very sick, and I said, Sam, I'm probably going to die tonight. I need to get to a thousand followers to help me out. And he tweeted, guys, just got a message from Jess Perkins saying she's going to quit comedy if she doesn't get to a thousand. And you lost a few? They did lose a few.

But I gained a few more. So now I'm over a thousand. Thank you. Thank you. Congratulations. She's using the power of taunton on Twitter. You got to. Male model slash comedian.

He's not a male model. Male model. I'm going to, yeah, I say that because it's one of very funny people saying male model. It's like, yeah, we know he's the male part's implied. Just say model. He's a model. He's a model. That's enough.

He's enough. I've done a bit of modelling. Male or something else? Hand. Hand modeling. Male hand modeling? No, clay modeling. I make the clay models.

Into men or inanimate objects? What do I do? Vazers? Models of vases? Not the real ones. It's a scale model. But yeah, you wouldn't put flowers in it. Oh, no, no, no. It's just a model.

A male model. Oh, we've had a great time tonight. What a fade out. We've had a great time tonight. Just let it fizzle. And we'd like to thank the Man the Magic that suggested this topic. Nicholas Nicholas

Devedenko Who's that The Russian player tennis player Nikolai Devar Denko Okay great No Nico figs

Nico figs Nicko figs That's a great topic That is a great topic And I think I've seen it in a headline before Pink Panther strikes again And I'm always like Oh what's that

But I never knew anything Yeah it's really interesting But it was a tough one Because there wasn't a lot of information about it But that kind of makes it more exciting They've got to really work on their PR They do They do

They do Yeah, like a Facebook page, a Twitter. Instagram's been huge for us. So, Insta maybe. Yeah, Jess is starting to do Instagram stories. I am. She's in the middle of doing one right now. Which will be days ago by the time he was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's okay. You don't need to know what we're doing. You just got to see what we're doing. Like, I can ask this later, but do Instagram stories, I can, but I'll proceed to ask you now. The Instagram stories have a used-by date? Yeah, they like Snapchat.

stories were they... It lasts a day. Yeah, I think they'll last about a day. Maybe even less. Great. Because this episode was brought to you by our magnificent Patreon supporters, we're going to read out a name each. So thank you to the people that have...

I feel like, I was thinking about this. Do we do enough with it? I think you need to like maybe guess, like, make an assumption about them as a person or something. Okay. All right. Okay, we'll do one. Great.

This first one. I reckon this guy smells bloody lovely. Or girl, guy, girl. I reckon this person would be good to sniff. Okay. That's my observation. All right. I regret everything.

Thank you so much to Chris Lavender. Oh, okay. I see what you did there. You smell great, Chris. You smell. Very good. So great. Nothing to do with your name.

I genuinely know you personally and you smell good. That's a nice thing to say too, actually. Somebody smells nice. Yeah, that is definitely a. nice, non-creepy thing to say to a stranger. Oh, like when people say you smell nice. I remember one time my ex-boyfriend said, you smell good. And I said, oh, thank you.

And then I remember he had no sense of smell. I was like, no. It's a weird, makes for a weird thing to say. Is that why he dumped him? Yeah. Sounds like he had it coming to him. Yeah. Okay, this, this person, I reckon, would be the go-to person to look after your dog if you're

going away for a weekend. Really? Trustworthy. Is it Chris Lavender? It's not Chris Lavender. Although Chris Lavender would be great. Yeah. But who would also be great just because they're trustworthy.

And, like, you just know they're not going to rifle through all your shit in your house. Yeah, that's a big one. But your dog likes them and trusts them as well. Your dog's going to have a good time. Yeah. You know? And that person is Joe McNally. Oh, yes.

Not name related. I just thought. Trusty Joe. Trusty Joe. Thanks, Joe. Thanks, Joe. Yeah, I think in a lot of ways, doing name related is laminated. Nailed it.

Uh, anyway, I think this guy is a real tool. His surname sounds like a tool. Okay. But it's not. Hey, look, no, this guy, honestly, I know, like, because I, I'm a little bit more thorough than you guys. I look this guy up and he's actually, um, one of the coolest guys in his hometown or city. Uh-huh. And, um, he's actually a real hit with a lot of the local hockey.

players. Oh, yeah. Cool. For some reason, they just swarm to him. Wow. Yeah, they love what he's about. Sure. Because he's got great attitude.

Okay. Are you talking about Chris Lavender? No. Joe McNally? No, I mean, although they do share some of these qualities, um, I am, of course, talking about the big tool. Steve Hanmar. Steve.

Sorry for calling you a tool. in a good way. A good way. Like a tool of... Like a useful tool. Yeah, like a, you know, like a tool of positive change. Yeah. That's what he is.

Like a Swiss Army knife. Yeah. When you're in a tight situation. Yeah, he's flexible. He's got many uses. When your arms crushed under a boulder and you need to chop it off quickly. If you're not sure how, you know, your triple deeks going, he's the got to go to. So to Chris, Joe and Steve, we say thank you very much for support us through Patreon.

If you'd like to do that, we've got our bonus episode coming out in early December, and you can get that if you pledge to our Patreon, which is patreon.com slash do go on pod, all the details of all the extra stuff you get there. And if you do it before mid-December, we'll send you the Christmas card with my tow print on it. Please opt out if you don't. I mean, honestly opt out. It is an opt-out thing.

If you have already pledged, you opted in automatically. You probably should have contracted that. You don't have to find some sort of ink pad. That's going to be fun. We're going to have to write on there first, and then he's going to just have to do his little ink. I want to maybe turn his toe prints into like little rainiers or something. Oh, my God, adorable.

Yes. That sounds so flam. Oh, I mean great. So great. And also something that I think we've mentioned a little while. It's great when you guys, if you have any time, can give us a sweet little review on iTunes, or whatever you're...

Yeah, that does really... Whatever country you're in and just sort of helps us get up in the ranking so other people can maybe notice us, give us a go, which is really... And also,

if you write a nice thing or even a journey from the show, we love it. It really does make the... When Dave, Dave will take a little screenshot of it and send it around to us. And I can tell

how much it does to Jess because she lives a pretty sad life. She needs this. I don't enjoy the criticism ones. I mean, you think you're helping or you think you're helping or you think you're joking, but we're people. I love them.

I love them all. They crush me. I love when people have any sort of thought about it at all. Just for people to have an opinion about this is amazing to me. I think, unless it's positive, keep it yourself. So that would be great if you could do that. You can also get in contact and suggest topics at any time via Twitter at do go on pod. Instagram's also the same.

At do go on pod. We put up a lot of photos and now these little stories, Facebook. You can find us, do go on pod. And email, if you're not on any of those things, do go on pod at gmail.com. A lot of stuff there for you guys. So much. But, yes, we'll be back with the new episode next week with, I believe, myself, reporting. So I better go out there and choose a topic from that.

So get them in. Until then, I will say thank you and goodbye. Bye. Later's. And it's important that you guys all know that Jess has a very good life. She does not have a sad laugh at all right. I want to be the last voice heard. So I'll wrap it up.

Her lung capacity is not so good this week. Okay. So yeah, anyway, like I was saying, Jess has got a great life. I know her plans on Monday. She's got a whole lot of wheezing to do. That's so much wheezing to do. A bit of poosing.

Probably got a poosing. That's it, I'm out. Bye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester.

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