Do Go On - 60 - The Great Emu War

Episode Date: December 14, 2016

This is one of the stranger chapters in Australia's military history. Matt talks about the time the army took on the second tallest bird in the world, the emu. 20,000 of them. It was quite a fight... but who wins? Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amana, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Do go on. My name is Dave Warnocky, and I'm here with Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart for another conversation for the ages. Oh, Tarling your one for the ages. Everybody know that song?

No, explain. That's a Paul Kelly song. I don't know if it's a Paul Kelly song. No, it's a Paul Kelly song. Anyway, hello, Dave. Did I say conversation for the ages? Because I meant one of the worst. I mean, yes.

Matt, contribute something, save this conversation. Sorry. Hey, Dave, it's good to be here back in the podcasting studio. Jess and I just were at a music festival over the weekend, Meredith Music Festival. You pulled out of it late. I bought you a ticket and you held me hanging on for quite a while, a few months, even though you've got quite a well-paying job and I'm just a lowly shit-kicking businessman. Wheeling and dealing, sure.

Sure. But in the end, I mean, I'm a philanthropist. I give more than I take. And I think the proof was in the pudding there with me offering to give you a ticket, I mean, if it costs price. Obviously. And you taking months of uming and aering, basically saying, please hold it for me. Or whatever you said, maybe it wasn't those exact words.

And in the end, yeah, you're like, nah, cold play actually or whatever. Yeah. And it was my first Meredith and you two had both been like, you've got to come and we'll go all together. And we're going to do a live podcast there, which we did. We replaced Dave. with two, inferior. Inferior days.

So two people still couldn't film most. No, that tiny tush. But it takes up so much space in our hearts. It's like the TARDIS. They were very talented people, but... The tushes.

You decided that Chris Martin and his band, the Coldplay, were even more worthy of your time. And may I ask, was it excellent? Because I have seen Coldplay before and they're amazing. It was a great concert.

Yes, it was. And also, I will say, it's not Coldplay. that means more, it was my girlfriend's birthday that meant more and I took her along. Yeah, okay, that seems reasonable. Even as the cold-hearted single person on this podcast. You can respect that.

I can respect that. But I do, I would like to publicly apologize for not being there. It's okay. And it was a great time I hear. Yeah, we had a pretty good time. Yeah, it was a super good time. The podcast is an absolute mess. Oh, yeah, I was real drunk.

Oh, see, I haven't heard it back yet, guys. So I'm not fully sure if we're even going to put it out. I don't know if it feels like it would almost be a waste of everyone's time. Is it genuinely unreleasedable? No. I mean, we, an hour to go, we realized we had some, we could access some recording equipment. So we put out on some of the social media sites,

anyone got any questions or whatever. And we sort of just went through them. And I interrupted people. And our guest, Kappa and Simon talked way more than we did. Kappa was talking about anal babies. Oh, yeah, I do vaguely remember that. You're the weirdest part about that. So, I mean, can you really release the thing that talks about that?

Even this podcast, I'm now thinking we might have to put in the bin. Just because I said the words. Yeah. And there was context, but I don't really remember the context. I think it was saying men were delivering babies out their butts. But anyway, I don't want to go back into that. I don't want to relive it. Wasn't it based on listener questions?

Yeah, I don't know how we... No. Definitely not. But Kappa was there. I noticed many, many tweets encouraging you to savage me when I wasn't there. So thank you very much, listeners. There was a little bit of that. A little bit of that.

A bit of a tiny tush stabbing rather than backstabbing. That's what I was going with. Gotcha. Right. Stabbing you in the tush, which is on your back. In a way, isn't it? In a way. That's your world with that.

A conversation for the ages. I'm not going to sing again. It is so hot in this podcast and studio right now. You know what's ridiculous is that it's like 30 something degrees in Melbourne at the moment. Like we're really, we're hitting summer now. Celsius. This is high, like mid. Like mid-90s in Fahrenheit.

And I've just got a cold. Like on top of that cough I've had for the last month. Oh, pardon me. Let me just ask for a Bop health update, please. It's pray for Bop. Hashtag, pray for Bop. Yeah, well, I just gave it to you. I just gave it to you.

She's sick. I'm sick. It's a short tweet. I got a cough and now a runny nose, too. I'm not happy about it. It's not good. And I'm so nervous about getting it off you. Please don't give it to me.

I've got a very busy time coming up. I know. I won't. I'm not going to touch or breathe on either of you. Thank you very much. Like I normally do. Yeah. My normal greeting is to just come up and hug you and breathe on you.

I love it. It loves it. But I didn't do it this time, did I? Live for it. Your breath is mine. Hey. In the end, that's true. That's true.

I breathe in sickness, not oxygen. Anyway, we've been talking for a very long time and we have a report to do. Yeah. I'd love to do it. Well, we don't have a report to do, Jess. I say smugly. It is the beard himself, Matt Stewart's turn to report. And this is very exciting because this is the first listener voted topic.

That's right. So Matt, do you want to explain how this works on Patreon if people contribute a certain amount? Yeah. Which is nearly everyone because I think it's one of the lower levels. I think it's everyone. It is everyone. It is everyone. $2 plus.

Then they... Which is everyone. No one's done the $1. Everyone's going, oh. Every... Every episode I'll do a top of it. Every episode I'll do a topic. I'll pick three topics out of the hat.

Put them into a, on a poll website. Send out the link. The votes came in so quickly, and I love this because I can see how long people take to choose. What are the stats on that? That's cool.

Man, people did not take a lot of time. Oh, really? Well, nearly everyone eligible to vote did. I think we were at that stage. We're at 60 or so voters. Jess is in the corner blowing her nose, because she is a sicko. And she's trying to do it subtly.

You heard her say that. Anyway, so, I mean, 60-odd people voted out of, I think now there's... Did there's 69 people vote? Because that is what I want to hear. Then yes. I'm back and that's a funny question. We've capped our Patreon at 69 patrons. So thank you, but we're done.

People took between seven seconds and a minute 20. A minute 20. So someone really had to think about it. I like, yeah, I like the thinking. I hope if you're listening, you know if you took seven seconds. And you know if you're a minute 20 person too. Only the people who vote or know the two losing topics. Because they go back into the hat.

I don't want to necessarily give them. I think you should get rid of them. Yeah, that's cool. Because Jess and I, we were actually told to not look. So we haven't. Yeah, you guys don't know what the three possible topics were. But those 60-odd people do. And so do I.

Oh, wow. Was it a landslide? It wasn't quite a landslide, but there was definitely a gap between first second and second third. We're clear favorites here. Excellent. And the winner, well, I'm not going to tell you, I'm going to ask a question about it. And as always, I ask the best question. Only the finest.

Well-crafted questions. Handcrafted. Is the question, which topic won the poll? No, it's going to be, have you heard of? No, no, it's even better than that. Oh, great. I think, well, if that's your bar, then I'm bloody surpassed it. I haven't even touched it with the big butt as I flew over the high-dump bar.

I don't think your butt's big. You got a sporting analogy, Bob. That works. Yeah. You Fosby flopped over. I was a year seven high jump champion. I was terrified of it. You were flop?

I was good at high jump. Everyone flops. You got a flop. You got a flop. It was an Aussie guy who was Frosby, right? Yeah, that's right, yeah. And then people told him that he was silly. Yeah.

And then they all did his technique because they went, oh, actually, hang on, he's winning. They used to Superman it. They used to do all sorts of. They used to split their leg. That was a scissors. Yeah. Cizier. Yeah.

There was the low-flying... Duck? Yeah. Could eat the ass out of a low-flying duck. I love that saying. It's a great saying. It means you're hungry, Jess. I know, I get it.

And I haven't had dinner. I wonder why that was front of mind. It's a bit like how Usain Bolt before he... It means you're hungry, Jess. Like, you didn't know that. Okay. I'm really... I'm almost delirously hungry, and it's so hot.

If it's 32 outside, I reckon it's 48 in this booth. Okay, that's probably... hyperbole. No, no. I reckon that's to be about right. You can't 48.

It's not 48 in here. I'll get your thermometers out then. I don't have one. I've got it up my butt. Is there like a... Lucky for you, right? Lucky.

Is there like a menu log for instruments? We need a thermometer stat. Oh, order. They bring it over. Not like musical instruments. Oh no, you should have that as well.

They also do saxophone. Can you get a thermometer and a ukulele? I feel like having a little ditty. I mean, if they do instruments, they do instruments, right? Right. Don't bloody tell us your menu log of the instrument world if you can't bring a yuk.

Right? Right. Right. Right. And measuring cups. Oh, yeah. Or what you're telling me, you don't even do measuring cups, which you can play as little drums. Or like the spoons.

Play the spoons. Anyway. Sorry. Why haven't we started yet? I don't know. Sorry. I feel funny. Great, but not in a funny way.

I feel pretty. Here is my question. Here's my question to you guys, which is a superbly handcrafted. Like, the efficiency of this is majestic. I don't get the feeling you might be talking it up because the question's not there. I'm trying to think of a question. Is he stolen? Yes.

All right, here we go. What is the most battle-ready animal? Lions. No. That's not a bad. Camels, no. Elephant. No.

That's pretty good. They're good in a battle. Humans. Trick question. Kangaroos. They're kind of aggressive. Oh, Armadillo? That is, all right.

Nearly all of those are better. Oh. Amadillo, it's got the cuteness. You're like, hey, what's this sort of thing? And if you turn on it, it's got the armor, but they also have flamethrower amounts. Wombats, because they look kind of cute and fluffy, but they can really run and they can hurt you. Continent-wise, Jess is way warmer. Okay, it's one of ours.

So it's not an arm-go. One of our goes. One of ours. Okay, our animals. It's not going to be platypus, is it? Yeah, platypus. Plata pyth? That's one of my favourites.

I'm a big monotrim fan. Sure. Who isn't? Akidna? Yeah, no, but yeah, good monotrim. An emu. It is an emu. An emu.

Well, no, it's an emu. Emu. I know. You're weirdos. I'm just being adorable. Are you trying to talk in a language that our Ohioans can understand? Yeah, an emu. And who was, wait, who was the other, some other American wanted us to mention their

state more. Yeah. Florida. Melbourne, Florida. No, there was another one as well. It was like they're not just in Ohio guys. Crocodile country. Well, there's 48 others.

We may as well start listening. Arkansas. Jacksonville, Mississippi, Texas. New Mexico. Are we genuinely doing this? No, I don't want to do this because I'm done. Abort. So, Amy, so the topic's about Amyu, but specifically,

a big historical event in the Australian historical history book of stuff in primary school we all have to read that book yeah I remember well the biggest Australian historical

big book of stuff yeah I don't know they used big twice or some reason anyway whatever well hey it was quite large it was a big event

in the early 1930s I'd never heard of it the early 1930s it was called the great emu war oh any knowledge of this Dave is like a fact guy

I bet you've heard of it Dave heard of it, absolutely. Were the emus fighting the people? Were the emus fighting each other? Were the emus not fighting at all? Or is it nothing to do with the emus? There's one very brief question you can ask, which will help you find out all of this.

Okay. Which is Matt, can you please start the report? Oh, is it do go on? I was going to do go on, but Dave, what the fuck? It's like he's forgotten the name of our own podcast. He missed one short podcast on a festival. Well, to be honest, do go on just isn't a question. That's why I didn't consider that.

That's a good point. Okay, hang on, is, please, can you do go on a question? Or do go. Because you started it like that. You just said the last three words of your question could have been do go on. Anyway, what are we doing here? Matt, Matt, do go on? Fuck.

Command. How about command? One short command. Do go on. Yeah, all right, there we go. Tell me what to do. I love being told. After the First World War, the Australian government struggled to find work for the thousands of emus.

Oh, I was kidding. But also. Left orphaned by the war. But also return soldiers. There's many parallels between return soldiers and emus. I think we'll probably find that. Long legs. Weird faces.

Well, I was going to say they all have two legs, but that's probably not true. Oh, no. Not the emus. Oh, probably the emus. Yeah. I'm not even a one-legged emu. He'd have to lean against a tree a lot. Hey Barry, can you go get some food for me?

Because I cannot leave the tree. Yeah, I know, Greg. You remind me every fucking day about the one-leg thing. I haven't forgotten. I got you some food. Stop bringing it up all the time. Potentially before we go on, we should, just in case anyone doesn't know what an emu is. It's so funny, but yeah, I think so.

Because it's the second tallest... Would you say a shit ostrich? Yeah, it's the second biggest bird in the world after the ostrich. Very similar in a lot of ways. It looks like a really scummy ostrich. Yeah, they look dirty. Nowhere is pretty. They've got these gross faces.

There's something kind of cute about it. They've got some, sometimes you can get good looking emus, but it's very rare. Did you ever read the book? I think it was Edward the Emu. And then there was Edwina as well. The ballerina? Yeah. Oh, I think Edwina the Bellarina.

I mean, the illustrator did a lot of favours for the emu. True. And they had big cute cartoon eyes. They don't have those in real life. They got like these gross scummy. Beedy eyes. They breathe with their mouth open. Like me greeting you.

They look like ostriches who, you know. Fallen on hard times. Lost a leg, lent against a tree. Got a lot of, got into heroin. But they, um... Yeah, because they crack ostriches. They're one of, I don't know. One of two, uh, animals on the Australian coat of arms.

Correct. The other being, of course, the red kangaroo. The biggest of the kangaroos. Do you know why they're on the coat of arms? Dave's going to know. No, I don't know. You don't? I don't know it either.

Which makes me feel like this isn't true. It is true. Is it because they can't walk backwards? Yeah, they can't take a step backwards. I don't. So I've heard that, but then... That doesn't sound real. Why?

Because Dave doesn't know it, and he knows everything. That's true. I always lose confidence in a fact if Dave hasn't heard it before. I have heard that. But you know what would make it even harder to step backwards. that's as you chopped off one of their legs. They can't step forward. No, exactly.

Forever stuck in time. And is that true? Oh no, the false one is something about sharks can't swim backwards or something. What's that thing? They die if they swim backwards or something. They die if they stop. Well, what are we? All right.

Anyway, back to the war. Yeah, back to the war. Do mention the war. I will. So you said it was just after the Second World War, people are coming back with no jobs. So the end of the Second World War, Dave, not what, 1990? 191919. 1990.

No, 1918. 1918, sorry. 1914 and 1918. That's right. Okay, so, and then 10 or so years later, the Great Depression hit. So things are tough. And Australia's hit quite hard because they rely on agricultural exports a lot. You will 100% not believe this, but during the Great Depression,

have I told you that my great-great-uncle was the Prime Minister of Australia at that time? You have mentioned this and it blew my mind and I've forgotten and I've blown again. I don't remember that. That's amazing. James Scullin. He was Prime Minister during the Depression. My great-great-uncle. That is not a good time to be a politician.

No, he was like, oh yeah, Prime Minister and then depression. He was like, damn it! Literally, I think we're going to blame me for stuff. I think within the first few days of him being Prime Minister. It's a worldwide thing. Yeah. Not good. I don't want to say, I don't want to put down this great-great-uncle of yours,

but there is definitely a correlation could be drawn between how many depressions we've had and how many members of my family have been, Prime Minister. Also, how great the depression is and how great, great, great, Jess's uncle is. Yeah, the further you go back, the greater the depression. Yeah, yeah. Jess's great, great, great, great, great uncle was prime minister during the great, great, great, great, great depression. Yeah, it's not good. I've got a, I've only got a limited amount of data, but I'm pretty sure I can ask.

extrapolate those facts. Yeah. I think that's about right. Anyway, I do go on. All right. That's probably fair. So the Great Depression kicked in, you know, about 11 years after the end of the war. I think about, I think it was around 1929.

So things are tough. And particularly in Western Australia, where, you know, climate's tough and that sort of stuff. And they're looking for, there's so much space out there. So they're trying to use the space. And they're also trying to give something to do to all these returns. and servicemen who were looking at stuff. So they offered, or they promised to give cash incentives to these ex-soldiers to go start wheat farms in the desert.

Basically in the desert. In country, W.A. Wheat farms? Wheat farms. In their mind, they're like, wheat farm's going to get us out of this trouble. It didn't turn out that way. And, you know, the economic troubles brought on by the Great Depression hit Australia quite hard and the price of wheat continue to fall despite the government going,

yeah, nah, I reckon wheat's right. Yeah, nah, I reckon if you bury the crops deep enough in the sand. Yeah, nah. It's going to start growing. Yeah, nah. Even if it does grow, it's worth less than. You feel so ripped off. I feel like on some level you trust the government to understand these things.

and when they go and we're backing you with like cash. Yeah. So, which they didn't come through within the end. Oh no. Lied to their return. Well, they're just stuck in the desert with sand. A similar thing happened in recent times in Australia.

It was, the official word was orange farmers get into Valencia oranges. Juice oranges. That is the future, right? I love this little rumor like the prime ministers out there going, you know what I hear, Barry? Valencia back.

Valencia. Navel is done. Orange juice? Huge. It tastes quite good. So apparently farmers ripped out their navel crops and put in the voicing ones and it was a dud tip. Oh no. Unfortunately.

That's the thing I vaguely remember. May or may not be true. And the Prime Minister came out was like, Barry, you're an idiot. I send navel. I send navel. And orange juice has... It's poisonous. It's fucking poisonous, Barry.

It's the biggest cause of cancer. Whoops. I told you it had the Big C. You thought I said it meant vitamin. I meant cancer. I meant cancer. Oh, no, he did. He definitely did.

I've got it here in the minutes. Yeah, look at that. I'm the Prime Minister. You can trust me. You can see here in the minutes. It says the big C, bracket cancer. Not the other C. Not just C.

I mean, this is all unspoken. I'm reading between the lines. Well, I'm writing between the lines. I mean, Barry, C is a very versatile letter. It's a very versatile letter, Barry. You see what I mean. We all see. A little joke there to finish it up.

Now, we'll catch you next week for our next meeting. Thank you. No, no, no, thank you very much. Thanks for stopping by. But I'm in a lot of trouble. Barry, I've closed the door and I don't reopen these. What a scene, wow. And sink.

And sink. Oh, I thought the sea callback was... Much better. We are too dumb for your... We're just a couple of C's. Clarence. Clarances. Clarances, obviously being short for the word that we don't say on this podcast very often.

Any more. Any more. Since I put in the rule. Dave, turned out Dave was a little, anyway. We're being sidetracked so much, so early. Little Clarence. You are a little Clary, aren't you? Bloody little Clary, but we love you.

All right, good on you. I need to blow my nose again. Yeah, go on. You go, I'll just be behind you. Matt will just start reporting. Just don't want to be right at the microphone, you know. Sorry, everybody. Please go on.

So the wheat crops... Wait, hang on. Please go on. Do go on. You really are sick. In the head. Bloody fix yourself up, mate. You're a mess.

So the wheat crops were tricky enough to grow in the barren conditions of the West. But things were made tougher by a huge horde of around 20,000 emus. Where the fuck? 20,000. Where do they come from? So there's a few different ideas about why these... big groups of emus were attracted to the area. Some were saying because of the farmers and the fences they put up,

it affected their normal travel route. You know, normally they go down the bloody Napan highway. Straight down. They bung a left. They bung a left. They grab a pie from Sturt's Cafe. They chuck a yui. Straight back on the big open road.

No I'm saying? Namin. And supposedly maybe this led to their feeding habits being out of whack. And then, you know, they've all, like, got a bit confused. But they found out of these. And they accidentally formed an army. They formed an army, accidentally. Accidentally.

Everyone got a rank. They all got a salary. There was a bit of a revolt. Captain Jones won. He's a new leader. The dictator of the emus. But I also read that the emus were just heading on their normal path, which would normally be to the coast, from the center to the coast of one else first.

You know, that's sort of the point in the seasons. They mated. and then they went, bam, we're off to the coast. They had to the beach. Go to the beach for the Christmas holidays. They come back for term one. But instead, what they hit were these new lands that had been knocked down, cleared, crops of wheat were there, which they kind of enjoyed,

and big dams with water in them, you know, for the livestock or whatever as well. They got, we'd have to go to the beach. There's a swimming pool right here. Reggie Dege. So, yeah, so that's possibly the reason. Probably more likely that that was the reason. And as well as eating a lot of wheat, they also turned out to be a bit of pain in the ass

because they forced large holes in farmers' fences allowing other pests in as well. Oh no. Other pests like door knockers. Yeah. Bloody hawkers. Hawkers. Mormons.

So many Mormons. So many Mormons. In the 1930s, Central Australia. Spreading good news. Spreading good news, that's right. They accidentally formed an army. Then there was a Mormon army. And they took on the emus.

Yes, Louise. Well, Jess, don't jump ahead here. I know, sorry. But Matt tell the story, but we all know how it is. So the farmers were not having a great time, right? Their crops were being taken apart by the emus. So they got together and they informed the Western Australian state government of the issues they were facing, which resulted in a meeting with George Pierce.

I think later became a Sir George Pierce, no big deal. Any relation to you, Jess? Not that I'm aware of, but I will claim you. him as you cannot prove he is not. And his gig at the time was Federal Minister of Defence. The meeting led to Pierce giving the go ahead. Against emus. Well, I mean, at that stage it was really against the humans.

Oh, yeah. The Mormons mostly. He had to call his secretary. Hello. Does my army fight animals as well? Or am I just the human guy? Is that my jurisdiction? Is there a different guy for animals?

Do we need to call a vet? Do we? Can I shoot an emu? I would also like it if the vet's secretary's name was a vet. You would like that, would you? I'd like that a lot. I'd like that. I'd like that.

That's a fact. Can I shoot an animal? A vet. Can I shoot an emu? In the face, preferably. Don't ask why. I'm a private man. It's a private matter.

I want you to politics. You'd be great at it. First rule, shoot something. But it'd be so good because First rule is shoot something He'd have to wear a suit And he'd look like a toddler at a wedding You know where they wear suits

And are way too big for them They couldn't possibly make a suit That's nice Is that what you're suggesting Jess There's too much fabric in the world To make a suit in my size Or just he Yeah

The smallest pieces of fabric You could have to get Some sort of a microscopic thread Little tissues Let's make a little jacket out of tissues They just wrap me up in a box of Kleenex Well you just swatle him Like a little babe.

He's a little babe. If you squint your eyes, you can't see anything anyway. So the meeting with Sir Pius, the Minnesota Defense, led to him giving the go-ahead to launch a military operation involving a small group of soldiers from the seventh heavy battery Royal Australian artillery being drafted in to take on the emus. To take on the emus. It really feels like it went from zero to 100.

All right, guys, I know those bloody Turks beat us in Gallipoli, but there's no way we're going to be beaten by a couple of emus. Let's do this. It's actually 20,000 emus. What? 20,000. 20,000. 20,000.

All right. Let's do it anyway. We've already released the pressure piece, I'm afraid. Oh, all right. Well. A vet. Gallipoli was the fuck up. A vet.

Can I shoot 20,000 emus in the face, preferably? Don't ask why. A vet. Hello? Hello, is this thing working? The battalion head over by sea, landing off the coast by several miles. Why are we going to go by sea?

All right, we're already in the same country as the emus. Well, the words just come in from Winston Churchill, who is the one that fucked up Gallipoli as well. Unfortunately, they launched the boats. The emus had the upper hand. They had the cliff. They landed at the wrong beach, and the emus were waiting for them with machine guns at the top of the hill.

No, I think they'd caught a train or drove over or something. Got on a bus. Yeah, probably just caught a bloody bus. Just a V-Line over. Just jumped on the coach. Just a public bus. Just a 623. The Garn.

The Garn. None of these references make any sense to it. The Garn's a big train. It's a big train. That goes across the country through the dessert. There you go. That's the Garn. A V-Line's just like a, like a, fuck, this is going to be able to take forever.

A shit train. It's a shit train that goes sort of original area. The 6-2-3 is a bus that goes. from like Malvin to St. Kilda. Sorry, I missed the start. You're going on through all transport. No, just the things that I just mentioned.

A bus is like a large car. Okay, great. You fit lots of people, approximately 52. They're an average of bus. 52. But people often break the law. Okay. I don't know.

Does the 52 include the driver? I don't think so. He's got his own special seat. Or she. Mad Dugel. They were led by Major CWP Meredith and armed with Lewis machine guns and approximately 10,

10,000 rounds of ammunition. That's a lot of rounds. Well, that's not enough rounds. 10,000 rounds, hang on, there's 20,000 emuums. At this stage, though, I don't think they realize how many emus there was. All right, guys, you're going to have to use one bullet for each, every two emuos. Try and line them up.

If you could line them up, that'd be an idea. Literally two birds with one bullet. If you could ricochet from one skull to the other, that would really help me out. And actually, it would look pretty cool, too. Because if you can't do it, we're going to have to go hand-to-hand with the bastards. Imagine trying to punch an emu! Have you ever ever. punched an emu. Corporal.

Avet. A vet. Can you punch an emu? Preferably in the face. Ideally, ideally not. I mean, we're meant to, we took a Hippocratic vet oath, where we must. Avet, stop asking so many questions. Okay. So, Pierce gave the go ahead for the operation on the proviso.

We had a couple of, a couple of... Man, I hope it's fucked up. Nah, it's not fucked up. It's just tight. It's a bit tight. Oh. On the proviso, the transport of the troops would be paid for. for by Western Australia. And the farmers would provide food, lodgings,

and stump up the cash for the ammunition. So it's like, we'll let you do it, but we're not paying for any of it. So it's kind of like a low risk thing for the federal Australian government. It'd be pretty easy to distance himself from that. Yeah. Should be. The minister is said to have seen a bit of a silver lining in the deployment

as he felt the emus would provide live target practice for the soldiers in peacetime. Well, okay. I mean, I don't know if they would have fully prepared them for the Second World War later. None of the Nazis had such a big bulbous body. And they're tiny peahs. They moved like an emu. They run really fast, don't they? Yeah, they're really, really fast.

The Nazis don't move like the emus at all. This is not what I prepared for. They speak German, they don't do this. They don't do that, do they? What noise does it need me make, Maddie? I'm sure an... Got a sickie? What are you up to?

Oh, that feels mean to people who need cigarettes. Just got to be to emus. Nah, fuck emuos. Big dumb birds. They're the dumbest. Oh, well, I mean, this story doesn't... So far. They also can't fly if we didn't paint that picture before.

Big stupid birds with little dumb wings. It has also thought that the... The federal government were keen to be seen to be helping the Western Australian farmers is around this time a movement was growing for WA to succeed, secede, succeed, not succeed. Although we're still bloody waiting for them to succeed in anything. Nah, fuck you, W.A. No, look, they do all right. They're out of Texas.

They're huge. They're fucking huge. They're a third of the whole country. So there was, but there was a movement for them to secede and claim independence from the rest of Australia at that time. It was building up steam. So the federal government were like, look, let's help. Let's just be seen they'd be helping them out.

If you let them kill two emus each, that's one of their demands for some reason. Did you guys know about this movement in the 1930s? For W.A. to try and break away from... I had no idea. Dave? Yeah, I think a couple of different states have tried to do it. This was the most interesting one.

They actually got it all the way to having a vote. So they had a referendum on it in W. Wow. And it was the following year in 1930. So this is after the war or before the war, emu war, this is? This is after the emu war. Okay. Or after the, yeah, the bulk of the year.

Well, let them kill a few emus there. Do you reckon they'd probably calm down? What kind of percentage, do you reckon? Do you reckon it got close? Close. How many? Probably 60, 40 stay. 60 stay.

JP? 7030, just for a point of difference. Don't actually care. 68% voted in favour of leaving. Oh. Oh. Hang on They leave

They've left You guys didn't know That they're not in Australia anymore Despite this I mean they're still attached Despite this like clear Like that's a huge vote to leave Like the Brexit vote was 52 or 50s

Really close Wouldn't it be cool though If they had decided And they'd like cut themselves loose And like drifted off into the ocean They just dug a big trench They're like bye Dynomited along that

Line It's a nice big flat line to do it on It's a clean line It's a nice clean line Yeah Victoria's Victoria's a real jagged. I mean, it's the river.

Yeah, it is. That's what you get for having a river as a boundary. Which I think is quite nice. It makes it very obvious. Just last week I drove to New South Wales and I knew when I was there because I crossed the river. I was like, oh, river, I'm in New South Wales now. Because the river counts as New South Wales. You were using a bridge.

You won a bridge. You didn't burke and wheels it. I parked a car and swim across. I know, they didn't get a punt. They wanted a punt. Old episode. I'm getting sidetracked again. Sorry.

Camels drowned. Anyway. So 68%. censored leave and somehow they still, they went, nah. You're not that keen. Despite, yeah, so the British Parliament had to tick it off. The Queen had to approve it as well. But they...

I believe they'd be king at the time. Like a couple of years later, they were like, we're not going to, because also the Australian federal parliament would have had to have got it through both houses, and they're like, it's not going to happen. So they sort of just went, oh, you know, let's just stop talking about this. And hopefully W.A. will forget.

I think that's probably what's going to happen with Brexit as well. Yeah, maybe, because that is what happened in time the W.A. Western Australian economy improved and the movement towards secession ran out of stand. And now, like, it was like generations ago and we don't really even know about who can't. Yeah, it's fine. I don't vaguely remember hearing about it, but that's about it. But that's because you're alive in the 30s. That is true.

You led the revolt. Yeah, I'm like, can't go. I stay. And then what did the emu say? We're nothing without you. We love all your huge desert. So much. Much of it.

And your sweet surf beaches. I haven't been to W.A. It's only said I haven't been to now. It's really good. I'm going there in January. Please come see me perform at the... Okay. Now he plugs.

Noodle Palace. All right. Over around the late January, check out your local guides. Check your local... If you're in Perth. Assume you're in Perth. Either Ohio,

check your local guides for details of Matt's Western Australian show. That's Perth, Australia. I don't want anyone Perth Shire or in Scotland getting confused. Sure. Where my Stuart family is from. Anyway, look, sidetracked again. I keep splitting their party.

The deployment of soldiers set off to the troubled area of Western Australia on November 1st, 1932. It was about 250Ks or more northeast of Perth. That gives you a little picture in your head. And when they arrived, many of the farms had already been smashed by the emus. And farmers were being driven from their properties. You couldn't be in your house. In my head, I'm picturing like the emus going, you know that episode of the Simpsons where the dolphins drive the humans into the sea?

Yeah, I'm picturing that. That's creepy. What, so people are driven from that house? Yeah, the emu's getting a car. I'm going to get in, mate. I'm going to drive you from your house. I'm going to drive you to the edge of your property boundary and you can't come back. You can stay there at the edge, but no further.

No closer. You can go further. Please. That'd be a brutal. That emu is heartless. They're making them stuck on the boundary. They're just walking around the property line. Anyway, weirdos Amis.

In that case, it would be nice if the boundary was a river, hey. That's true. You could drown yourself. Is that what you mean? They probably shouldn't meant just have a dip. You're just thinking live in the river forever. No, it's just nice to sit by a river, isn't it? It is nice to sit by it, but you're talking about making them live forever in a river.

I didn't say in, said by. Can emu swim? Can people swim? Well, look. Not in the 1930s. That's a case-by-case thing. Interesting. With emos or people?

Probably both. You can teach an emu to swim. I've said that before. Is there a breed of aqua emu? Oh yes. Oh, definitely. Cool.

They're called seal emus. Selimus. Sleemus. That's a fact. Definitely. Salt water emues. Yeah, they're bigger than the other ones. Anyway, the emuys outnumbered the small band of soldiers by quite a

Quite a margin. How many soldiers will be talking? A handful. One battalion. Yeah, sure. Okay. That's a lot of enemies to take on. A couple hundred.

No, less. Like, I think we're talking less than 100 by quite a while. So 99. 99. Or less. All. To be specific. Hey, we want to be specific.

It's 99 or less. I think it's close. It's like closer to, it's almost single figures. I think it's a small. Let's say a dozen. So like two. soldiers have turned up. So Barry's turned to Morris and they've said...

Let's name them more. Wow, we've got to kill 10,000 emus each with one bullet each. Line them up. Why won't they stay still? Stay still. Oi, stay still. I'm trying to shoot through you and 10,000 of your mates. Stand still.

And are they attacking in formation or are they just going crazy? Yeah, flying V like mighty ducks. There are little bunches? And like, are they waiting until you're at the bottom of a hill and they're not rushing down and then from all sides and you're like, oh, we're surrounded,

oh my God! I'd say less... One comes charging in on the back of a horse. Do do, do, do, do, do, do... The emu arches start firing arrows up the back. They start firing them.

Farring them. Farring the arrows. Fire the arrows. Far them. Father, Far the arrows. Father am you. And we all lost our mind.

I feel like it's so hot. It's hot and it's late and I'm very tired. I think I've got a temper. I think it was less like them attacking information and more. It was almost like they were doing the roper dope sort of thing. They were... They were leaning on the edge of the rope.

They were leaning on the way and they were absorbing the punches, or the bullets. I don't worry about it. If you lean on the edge of the rope, bullets can't hurt you. They just shake through your bones. That's crazy. Especially if you're a big, flatless bird. So the soldiers... A little dumb wing.

The soldiers arrived in the area, and like always, there's a slightly different varying accounts, but some said they were just out of range, so they were pretty useless that they didn't even hardly bother shooting at them. Others said they just were missing. They're shooting and missing. They were ducking and weaving. The amuses are so fast, they just weren't able to connect to them. Even with machine guns? Yeah.

God. I think that someone is making excuses for being a poor shot. There are varying reports as to how these early days of the offensive went, but the consensus seems to be that the emus were way on top. Wow. The soldiers realized they needed to take a more strategic view on how to get on top here. And after hearing word that a pack of around 1,000 emus were heading towards a nearby dam, yeah, they were marching towards the dam.

They have an emmy on the inside, giving them information. Yeah, there was an inside bird. He's whispering it into like a homing pigeon deer who would then fly across and be like, I've just been told that there's a thousand on the way here, but if you cut them off by a dodgy creek road. That's pretty, that's kind of it. Only I think a human told them. And they, um...

Which human? One of the farmers. Farmer. Farmer. Farmer Joe has just said that the thousand emies were firing towards us. Towards the dam And so We must protect the dam at all costs

So they decided to go to the dam Obviously Because they could get there ahead of them Ahead of the emus Lie in wait And be ready for them Ambush The camouflage

In the dam Yeah We're not in the dam By the dam Fuck Dave's not even listening It's nice to sit by a river Yeah

To hide by a dam Imagine they were inside the dam Like breathing You know how in action movies I mean, to be honest, Dave, like a piece of bamboo. They're breathing there. And then the emu comes in and they come up and just cut the throat of the en route of the emu. Dave, I mean, some of these scenarios you've said so far are a bit of fun, but that is getting a bit silly.

They're a bit wacky. This is a fucking emu war. What is happening? That's what I'm trying to say. Could you take it a bit more seriously? All right. Sorry, I'm so sorry. Several emus, I presume, are about to die.

When the birds arrived, they opened fire. The birds did. The birds did. Far! Far! Oh no, they've got even bigger machine guns and us! Hald! Hald!

A thousand birds. Fire! We're ready! Ambushed by machine gun fire. Oh. That's kind of. A small handful only was killed. So they're still only got a couple?

They split up and they just go off and packs and they just can't. They're not fast enough to get them. The emus are just good. At being emus? Good at getting away. They make a fast getaway. I read reports that had come out at the time suggesting the emus in each pack had a leader, like a big bird leading them out.

A brigadier. Brigadier type. They stood out the front, basically, and they were kind of acted like a lookout, alerting the rest to when the soldiers were approaching. They're playing Mad Jack Churchill-style bagpipes. So this sort of does suggest that they do have a bit of the, emus were like pretty... They were being hunted.

They weren't necessarily being malicious. No, I mean, the emus were living in their own country. Yeah. And they'd lived here for quite a while. Long time. And then farmers all of a sudden came and fucked up what they were doing. Yep.

Oh, no. Oh, I just really, we're the bad guys. Yeah, humans. Oh, no. It's nearly always the case. Not again. It's always us. Fuck.

I thought these were like crazy psychopathic, like, horrible emus. No, they're just emus. Just going about their day. I thought that they, like, you know, their ideology was death. No. They wanted to inflict it on humans.

No, they weren't even killing. They were just ducking and away. Of course they were. They're fucking emus. But they've made people leave their homes, Matt. How's an emu you got to kill you? They tapped on the door. For months.

Tapped on the door and said, if you don't leave, we're going to burn this house down. Yeah, it is a little bit like, can we all live together in harmony? Yeah, when they say that the emus are driving them for their home, it's just like, just go out there and go,

shoe. Yeah, they probably looked out the window and saw one emu and went, pack the car barb, we've got to get out of here. Just go out and bang some pots together and startle them and they'll run away. They don't need machines. They need a couple of pots. That's what they needed. Far.

Far the pots. Go away. Get out of here. Wow, a thousand of them just run away. Genuinely, the emus would have been like, nah. This weight's pretty good. Yeah. But thanks.

Thank you. How are you on? Definitely an emmy? Are you an emmy on the inside? We found them all. Dave, scare him away. Go on, get him. Get out of here, Matt.

Go on. Go on, chew. You've had your full. Come on. Did your mum used to hiss at cats, at stray cats? You go, shh. Hey, Dave. No, because my mum was not some sort of a witch doctor.

Dave, pass me that musley bar. I'm really comfortable here. Oh, no, he's settling. He's driving us from the podcast. Hey, is that? What kind of bread is that? Is it made from wheat? That is a wheat-free bread.

Oh, wow, bloody hell. Nah, I'll take it anyway. Give it over. Give it over. Come, mate. I feel real good here. Can we all be friends? Oh, I love it here on your little farm.

Can't. Look, I don't want you to leave. But is it cool with me and 19,000 of my mates? Crash-y, forever more. Forever more. Cool. Really, the farmers were being a bit unreasonable. I'm not letting 20,000 emus just hang out whenever they want.

They're going to be nice. They're cool. Isn't that cool? We cool. Oh, they'd poo a lot though, wouldn't they? We poo. We poo. I think.

So Major Meredith stated that each mob had its leader, right? And they keep watch while the rest of its pack eats the wheat. So they go nuts on the wheat and there's an emu out the front sort of whistling going. They see someone like, hey, hey, boys and girls. So are you? Yeah, boys and girls. The whistling? The whistling, genuinely whistling.

Yeah, they'd. whistle, right? And then they'd give a signal. If, um, they saw soldiers approaching, they'd change the tune from just normal whistling to, um, the land down under Cuckabarar, sits and old gum tree. Oh, shit, run, run! Yeah. Uh, that's the signal, boys. And they're just like going, just getting a little bit more weight and they're tucking it into their backpack. And then they head off. So, like, they had a system in place is what I'm trying to say. And that, I thought was pretty. Cool.

Because you think of Amos as being the biggest dumbest idiots in the world, right? That's what you guys think of. Biggest, dumbest idiots in the world. Yeah. Tiny dumb wings. Yeah, crack ostrich. But there's a couple of things that make you feel like they're maybe they're slightly less dumb than you think. They know how to identify a hit song and whistle it as code.

So that's good. That's right. And presumably write the song before it even exists. Because of these skills, I think the Cucabarra one is quite old. Maris, it's on the old gum tree. I won't sing, sorry. So, because of these sort of strategies, the emus deployed or employed,

they did them both. They were able to outsmart the soldiers over the first few days of the battle. In fact, probably you could argue they outsmarted them for the first nine days of the battle. That would be quite embarrassing. From people that have just come from winning a world war. I mean, we played a little part in it.

I don't know if you could say. winning a world war and now you can't beat the crackles. Do you ask anybody in the world who won the first world war? Australia. Australia. Australia. Australia. Australia one.

Australia. Strya won. Wait, are you asking people, you know, at an Anzac Day march? Because that, you're going to get a different answer there. That's a good point. I mean, if you go and ask someone down at bloody, you know, Ohio, say Akron on Independence Day. The tire. Famous tire-based town.

I reckon you'll get an answer to something like... Tire. USA. USA made tires. That's right. You know the tires on the jeeps? We made those. So we won the war.

Akron. Ohio, baby. And at the time, you're also a baby. Oh. It's weird that the Akron's address you by your stage in life. Yeah. But that is how they do. That is how they do.

That's what they do. That's what they do, old man. I thought they do Oh, are you doing an acron at me? Yeah, I just got acrond. An acron, yeah. Can't believe it. Dan Akron.

Don't you dare take his name in vain. Nah, go on. Could I know? So after the first nine days of the war, there was very little success for the Australian army. But if you look at it from the other side, which people often forget to do, the emus are kicking ass.

They're kicking ass. I'd lost a few good emus, but a few good birds, but all in a lot of all. Got a lot of wheat. But a flesh wound overall to the overall health of their crew. And at this stage, the war was called off. Basically, the Australian Army's like... They retreated.

White flag. We're done. We're out. Fuck this. Major Meredith declared that the emus were impossible to defeat. Oh, my God. That is just pretty embarrassing. He was...

Put out some poison. He was... That's what you're going to do. You've got to poison the pellets. Come on. there's no pellets. That's like dealing with any pitch. I should have,

I should have opened with that at the top. No pellets involved. Well, it's a different story. And if they didn't put that in the press release, they'd look pretty silly. Yeah. So Meredith was credited as saying,

if we had a military division with the bullet carrying capacity of these birds, it would face any army in the world. What does that mean? I don't understand that at all. Basically means if we could somehow train these birds. We could rule the world! And he actually spent the rest of his days trying to teach Amy to shoot machine guns with limited success.

An admirable effort. Is this true? No. Oh, come on, Dave. The guy sounds like a madman. And the smartest person on the podcast. I'm embarrassed that you guys are. He said they can face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks.

Well, that sounds like a lie. I think it's just because they don't know what it is. They don't have armor like a tank. Unless I've misunderstood emus for a long time. Or tanks. Yeah, that's right. Tanks are actually covered in feathers and can't fly. Much like an emu.

The Zulu warriors were like a fierce warrior, right? They were obviously... Yeah, in Africa. Because he says that the emus are like Zulus, whom even dumb, dumb bullets could not stop. What? So I don't know if he's saying like they're even better warriors. Than Zulu Warriors.

Famously, some of the best effort. Okay. Is this a guy? I don't think he's a bit mental. I think this is a guy who's just been beaten by a flock of birds. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. You should have seen it. Yeah.

Oh, that's what you think. You think it would have been easy. Well, I'll tell you what. You know, they're like tanks and Zulu warriors. And if they had gun ability, if they had trigger fingers, I mean, God help us all. Honestly To be honest You know I reckon

If we can We should just Kill ourselves Because there is no way We will stop them And they're coming for us They're coming for our jobs They're coming for our wives

And our husbands There is no shame In being beaten by the best I've said that before Was that up That time I beat you up Yeah There's no shame in

being beaten by the best. Beaten by the bop. This old... Hashtag beaten by the bob. Yes! This old report... That's a good hashtag. Hey, got another old reference.

Remember for a little while Keene for Paine really took off? I've mentioned Keene for Paine today. Okay, great. And you ignored it. I mean... The listeners will hear it. But I can't believe that over all this time,

someone messaged me and said, Equal Opportunity. What about hashtag Keene for Bean? Oh. I don't like that. How do you feel about that? I don't like it. Okay, so sometimes equal opportunity is good and sometimes it's not warm.

Sometimes it makes just feel uncomfortable. It's not the equal opportunity that I have a problem with. Just don't like that combination of words. Yeah, that's not going to... Pain for Bean. I don't like that. Anyway, thank you for equal opportunity, I guess. I feel some remorse there. Hashtag beaten by the bob.

Beaten by the bob, all right. No shame, no shame. The report back in the day, He also quoted an emu hunter. And this guy was... Oh, very good. All he did. All he did was kill him.

It's Mick Dundee all over again. It's all he did. He was Mick Dundee, emu hunter. This is before he got into Crocs. Sure. And he said there's only one way to kill an emu. You got to skin it alive. I quite like this because he then immediately lists two ways.

Brilliant. There's only one way to kill an emu. Shoot him through the back of the head with his mouth closed. or through the front of his mouth with his mouth open. That's how hard it is. What? So if you shoot it in its face with the mouth closed. What?

Oh, but if you shoot in the back of the head, it will penetrate its skull. It will go through its brain, but if its teeth are closed, its beak is closed, it will bounce backwards. It'll somehow heat, I guess. It'll heal the brain on the way back out. Well, I think what happens is amos have such tiny dumb pea brains that you can shoot it through the head and as long as the bullet has an exit point, it'll be fine. They do breathe through their mouth like you said.

So they're always going... So I'm picturing him like holding their beak closed. Shooting at the back of my head. He's blown his hand off multiple times, which is hard to do because really you only get one hand per hand. One hand per hand. I've always said that. I've always said that too.

It's funny that we've both said that. But I mean, it makes sense. because it is a universal truth. One hand per hand. One hand per hand. I've always said it. Just as too. All right.

Dave, have you always said that? Never said that. That'd be right. Say it. It feels good. Try it. One hand per hand. Yeah.

Is that it? Yeah. It's had a great. Yeah, I feel great. Good for you. A report. Have you heard of the Argus newspaper? Yes.

Any historical report about Australia seems to reference to the August. It was a big paper in Melbourne for a while. A report in the August newspaper in 1932 suggests the farmers were not. A good year. We're not happy with the withdrawal. Not happy with the withdrawal method. Yeah. It works for summer.

That's all I say. The farmers were ahead of their time. They're like, can we, honestly. Can we just stop that? Just a condom or something. Is that what the withdrawal method is? It's pulling out before ejaculation, right? Look, I was trying to scoot around without saying it cleverly.

It's before you sploge. You're removed. Is that it? Dave, Dave, is that it? I can confirm. I was about to take a sip of water and I'm really glad I didn't because that would have gone everywhere, much like a splooge. It's a real mess.

Much like. This episode is a genuine spoogey mess. Sorry. It is so hot. Much like a cup of warm splooge. Oh, it wasn't in a cup. removal method and find a nearest mug or cup, receptacle, becant. Is that what you're doing?

You're sort of decanning the splooges. Oh my God. You don't want to... Also, who the fuck says splooge? I don't know, but it's fun. I don't reckon it's been said in a long time. I don't think I've ever said that. I'm bringing it back.

I don't know either. Sploge. It's got like it really... It's visceral. Yeah. It's visceral. Much like. Is it on an apache?

Yeah. Plage. Oh. Oh no. Only on Boxing Day for Dave. When is ureth as... Starts it! Biggest.

That's one for people listening a couple weeks back. All right, look, you don't have to explain everything, Matt. Move on. A report in the August newspaper 1932 suggested the farmers were not happy stating they were alarmed at the Defence Department's decision to recall the machine gun party, which they thought had been starting to eradicate the emu pef. The settlers state that after overcoming preliminary difficulties, as in not being able to shoot any of them, the gun party had begun to make an impression on the ravaging hordes. Ravaging hordes.

That's as it was reported at the time. The decision to bail led to much ridicule for the Minister for Defence, and he was started to be pejoratively referred to as the Minister for the Emu War in Parliament. That's a bit embarrassing, isn't it? Yeah, so he became a bit of a joke. Yeah. Not only did he start a war against Amy's. He didn't finish the war. Well, I mean, I'd probably, imagine if they went in and just took them out,

it would never have been referred to as a war. It was only referred to as a war as it became like a fair fight almost, like a battle of two equals. Well, no. One was more equal than the other. These birds, if we could arm them, we'd rule half of Russia. You start putting like jet packs on them They can now fly as well

They can fly as well They're one weakness. I would love to take a bird A flightless bird Like a penguin in a plane Look mate, you're doing it You're doing it Aw, that'd be nice Just put his head

Imagine if you were in another plane And you looked over And there was just a penguin Looking out like the window sitting in like economy. Oh. I'm not a flawless weird. Is that what a pink?

The forks. What does the penguins? The penguins have. No. It's got a flipper and it flips you off. Yeah. He flips the bird. That's where it comes from.

Oh, wow. That worked really well. Thank you very much. Pierce had started to have pressure built against him from the farmers. Being like, come on, mate. You'll make us some real inroads there. What are you doing? You can't leave us now.

I reckon we got them. We got them where are we on them on the ropes. And he's like, nah, they want to be on the ropes. They're roping doping you. They love the rope. He succumbed to the farmers please. And only two days later, after he first cancelled the offensive. Cancel the cancel.

He cancelled it and he ordered a second offensive. Wow. Two days. So this is a guy who is pretty bloody. He's flipping and plopping. He's a decisive politician. He's roping and doping. It is estimated that the first offensive

was able to successfully kill about 300 of the 20,000 birds. I don't know. What does that work out as a percentage D-dub, Mr. Maths? Like 3%. 3%. Not a great amount. Um, or is it less than that? I feel like it.

I think it must be 1.5%. Anyway, look, because of the two. The two and twilight. Anyway, look, we're getting bogged down in maths. Come back to me. We're not going to hear Dave for about 10%. 10 minutes. He's going to be working this one out in his head calculator.

I'm also just going to go back to the corner and blow my nose. So you just keep talking. All right. Well, this is going to allow me to get through a few paragraphs here. Finally. The second assault had Major Meredith and his troops again, opening fire on the big dumb birds, eventually ramping it up to killing around 100 emus a week. That was sort of at the peak.

But the mission was again called off in December 1932, you know, around a month after it began. Major Meredith estimated that all. up, they killed about 986 emus with their 10,000 rounds. So that's 5%. And it's been about 5%. My maths doesn't fully add up there with the 100 a week. So it was obviously, you know, that all rotated. Jess is very close to my head with her sickness.

And I do not appreciate. She's breathing on you. Jess, get back in your bubble. Get back in your protective bubble. You bloody. I was going to, my boppel. I was just going to read the bubble. Get her in the boppel.

I was going to read the nubble. I was going to read the nipple. sentence with him and it's going to be real funny. Sorry I fucked that little bit of fun. Yeah, you fucked it, you big fuck. You big old fuck. Major Meredith estimated it all up, I've already said that. So they've killed...

You would have helped me out. You said that they've killed a thousand. Is that about? They've killed about a thousand with about. So in the end they killed one in... One in 20. But in terms of 10,000 rounds, a thousand emus. That's one in 10.

That's not too bad. It's not great, though. But one in 10... They're pretty big targets. I can... I could... But also... Assuming that they used all the bullets.

Well, I'd be waiting for... Well, yeah, they did say they used nearly all the 10,000. Wow, okay. Wow. On top of this, he... Meredith also claimed that approximately 2,500 birds had died as a result from injuries of the war, which obviously probably equates to long, slow, horrible deaths. Oh.

Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how he's estimating all this. They're small teams gone, yep. Oh, I reckon, look. How many do you kill? About 100. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. If we all killed 100 each. They round it up. You know, I like rounded numbers. Yeah, so 100 rounds up to 1,000. A thousand rounds up to 10,000. That's 50% of them gone. They're done.

You'll never see an emu ever again. They've extinct now. I assume that emus are extinct. Yeah, right? They're done. No. But apparently, word of all this got back to England, It plays like England and stuff, and they were animal activists were unhappy.

They're killing the, I was going to say, limited numbers. Limited edition. Limited edition, Emus. God only made 40 of these. But the whole point of it is because there were so many. Yeah. But anyway, I'm not saying kill them, but I'm just saying they certainly weren't endangered and still aren't. It just could have been nicer ways to go about it, I think.

Yeah. But can you think of a nicer way? Yeah, dynamite. Just ask them. Ask them to go away. I reckon, yeah, just go, look, to be honest. Bang some pots. Yeah, so you reckon a bit of pot banging, failing that, a bit of negotiating.

Yeah. A bit of a treaty. I reckon just farm something that I want to eat. Toads. Toads. Cain Toads. Poison. Farm some toads.

Farm some poison toads. Valencia oranges. Eelze. Euseing oranges. No, no, no. No, Barry, I swear, next season. They're all the rage. Louis Vuitton loves them.

Not even the Amis will touch him. loving them navels Gary Gary went against the grain Of wheat Which everyone else was going And he grew Naveal oranges

He grew their name The emus Yeah It was quite a booming trade Anyway Anyway we're nearly done Great I'm so hot

Emus don't like Hand fruit Hand fruit What's What Their foot fruit They prefer something Like a big one

Like a pineapple or a coconut They don't Something with a bit of challenge. Something you don't just hold in your hand to eat. A hand fruit. Have you never heard the phrase hand fruit? It's a dumb phrase. That's not a thing.

Yeah. A hand fruit. Hand fruit. Apple, banana. No, I understand. As opposed to like a knife and four fruit. As opposed to something that requires a bit of preparation. Imagine a fruit that you can hold in your hand.

That's a hand fruit. Banana. Peach. Oh, hand fruit. That's a stone fruit. They're ones you eat with a stone. Yeah. With your hands.

smash them with a stone with your hand. So it's a hand stone fruit. I eat pineapple with my hand once I've cut it down to a little bits. That's a nice thing. I hold the fork in my hand and I stab the pineapple. Interesting, Dave. I need a ruling on that one. I'm going to have to do some maths on this as well.

Okay, we'll talk you half an hour. There won't be a half an hour, I'm afraid you guys. Despite the problems encountered with the cull slash war, the farmers of the region once again requested military assistance in 1934. 1943 and 1948 And each time They're knocked back

Yeah They said no So what was happening They were just getting bigger And bigger The army Of emus Yeah

The emu army Is it multiplying Is it still going Is there like 40 million emus out there Yeah Yeah you can't actually See the ground

Have you seen a satellite Image of Western Australia You know how it's kind of That emu grey colour Yeah Yeah That's because of the emus Oh

I thought that was just Trick of the eye If you go for a walk in WA Are you walking along The Bems Yeah, you're about six foot in the air. Wow. Yeah, and when they...

That's a bit tall. Because you're probably on their back. Yeah, but you'd be more than... Yeah, that's true. You're about six foot tall, so you'd probably be like... Ten odd. Ten odd. Ten odd foot.

You are a bit odd. Grunt. Is that a thing? When they have their... It's a Russell Crow banner, please. No, that's 30-odd foot of grunt. Oh, 30-od foot. Bloody hell.

He's huge. He has got a lot of grunt, that man. And a lot of feet. God bless Australia. I'm all right. New Zealand. Take me to that. Yeah.

I'll take him. I'll bloody take him. We take everything from New Zealand. After he won the Oscar award for some sort of a thing. Gladiator. He goes, what was it? He read a little poem he wrote. He goes.

I love a certain bird country. He goes something like, um, uh, there was movement at the station for the word had passed around. There was something like thanks a lot, New Zealand. God save the queen. God bless America. But thank Christ for Australia. Oh, and that is when there was not a dry iron.

He melted. You know, there was moisture coming from all sort of orifice. All of them. Oh, the withdrawal method was very popular that day. Butts were weeping. Mainly the eye orifice, obviously. But also the mouth and the butt. Sure, we could rank them.

We could rank them if we wanted to do it. There wasn't a dry butt in the house. There was something going around that day. And it was nasty. It was making people feel quite sick in the stomach. That poem made me poo myself. You guys have made me start doing poo. Pooh jokes, they don't like it.

Yay! Matt, I loved that. Best part of the podcast. All right, anyway, in the years since, emus have continued to prove annoying with the farmers. But they won the war. They won the war. They're undefeated.

That was their only war they've ever been. They didn't even mean to get in it. If we'd called up America for backup, then maybe we would have finished them off. They would have just brought over the... They would have brought over the ostriches. Ah. From Africa?

Nah, America's got him, I reckon. Yeah, they probably do. They've bloody got everything. Call up the San Diego Zoo. How many ostrichists have they got? Two? I reckon they would have rolled Samohian tires at him.

This will confuse them. There's only three ways to kill them. Amu's are just like, what the fuck is going on? They head back to the sea. Where they're presumably they're from? Yeah. They got great necks for it. They can go pretty deep.

Yeah. What is happening? There's only two ways to kill an Amy. shoot him in the back of the head with the mouth open. Front of the face. Roller. Or Roller Tide. Specifically from Ohio.

Akron ideally, if you can. Akron's my brand. I've always been an Akron man. I love people to send in some Ohio in facts so I can build on my knowledge. If you've got some Akron's on your car, send in a photo. I'd love to see some Akron's. Is that even a thing? Tell us if it's a thing.

Yeah, possibly a mis-memory. That's got to be a mis-memory. Is Akron a real place? It's probably not in Ohio. It's a great name if it's not. I reckon Akron, Ohio is definitely a place. But you say it's a good place. Should we found a place called Akron if it's not real?

Yes. We'll build it. We'll build it on a tire industry. Can I be the treasurer? I'm so close the end of this report. Okay, let's finish so I can go home. So in the years sense, the emus have continued to prove annoying. Sure.

And farmers... They're really bad at palm. Farmers have attempted and governments have attempted other solutions, including they erected a huge... Emu-proof fence? I thought you better say a huge emu monument to appease the thousands of emu. All right, we killed a few of you. Here's a memorial.

Stay the fuck away from the wheat. Didn't work. A big fence. It doesn't have to be that big, because they don't it? No, but they've bloody got a great leap on them. But just make it like a bit tall at them. Is it an emu high fence? Sorry, we've got to finish this guy.

I've got to email the government. They accidentally built a 100... Dear government. Stop. I don't know why I wrote that. Stop, but I'm in the rhythm of it now. Stop. Okay.

Were you implying just that they built a 100 foot tall fence? Well, he said it was really big. The emus will never get through this. Well, they won't, but they probably... You could have just cut it down a bit. They just like... You know that leader emus out the front, whistling and stuff? He's also really good at lifting fences up,

and he's just going to... Waving him under. Just nonchalantly whistling. That's them... Fluff... Yeah, that's the noise they mean. make, isn't it? Yeah, they flaffed their way through there.

Splooging. A spooge of amuse. That's the collective noun. Oh, God, a spooge of amos just got through my defences. Quick, why are the governor? We didn't even give credit where it was due at the top of the show as to who suggested this topic who put in the hat. I'm going to assume an Australian.

Dr. Sploge himself. You'll remember this guy potentially because he's had one through before. He also suggested Captain Jack Chetcher. Oh, that's two in a pretty recent. Yeah. His name's Steve at Shardais. Oh, yeah. Shardais.

I would never forget Shardais. Oh, awesome. Steve, thank you. You are two from two, my friend. How about the luck of being drawn out? It's become a bulging hat. It's huge. That's very cool.

Also, both obviously, all the topic would do are great, but two great suggestions, Steve. The hat is so big an aim. You could not get in. It's an emu-proof hat. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, because there was one accident. There is an emu slowly starving in there. I will not help it.

Nature will take its course. It's not starving of ideas, though, because there's a lot of bloody good ones in there. Oh, my God. I can't feed my family ideas, Matt. Shut up, Emu. Shut up and bloody just enjoy it. Hey, enjoy the knowledge.

They're all, but I mean, just having the idea isn't enough. I mean, we don't give them any access to Wi-Fi in the hat, so. So, they're just like, what do you read. I'm just like, what is, what is the emu war mean? Yeah. I shouldn't I know about this? Oh, dad. Do you know what I think about the emu war?

Father. Father. Father, otherwise, far. Are you done? I'm done. That's the end of the report. That's very good. Chardais, Steve, you've done it again.

Slow clap for you, mate. I appreciate that. That was a... That was really cool. I have heard people speak of the emu. Once, I was in Newcastle in a... I remember where I was when I heard about the Emmy War. Oh, you never forget.

At a Chinese take away. No, Indian take away. Oh, no. I'm a liar. I'm a liar. Sorry. Why are you lying? Why would you lie to us?

Right to our faces. Dave, I thought we were all friends. I consider you guys like family now. What a low dog. I'm sorry, Chardais. Anyway, great topic. Great report. Great.

And we've also got to thank the people of our patron supporters who brought you this episode with this support and also voted for that topic. Yeah. Great choice. Good job everybody. I can only assume that the other topics were not as good because we trust you to pick the best. Yeah.

They jumped on this one in a big way. The other two topics, I can't tell you what they were. Also great topics. The kangaroo war, the koala war. Yeah. But we'll get to them maybe. Who knows?

Who bloody knows? I'm like to sneeze again. We also would like to remind our already Patreon, supporters that our Christmas cards, if you're listening to this on the day the episode comes out or the day after, which is December 15th, this is the final day, December 15th, to support the Patreon in order to get a

do go on Christmas cards sent to you wherever you are in the world, featuring my toe print and a message from Matt and Jess. Oh, you're not even going to put a message in. You're not going to write it. You're not even going to put like sign DW. Or does the toe say everything. Thousands of words.

A toe print is thousands of words. Are you worried somebody could. like get your toe print and then clone you. More that they'll break into like bank vaults of the future where everyone has to scan their toes. Yeah, sure. Well, let's just, just like, let's, and set up your bank vault with your tongue print then.

Okay, and I'd also like to say, little stipulation, if you are a member of the Pink Panther robbery group, you're not allowed access to my toe. How would that happen? How would you know? There's no way you could possibly know that, Dave. I'd be honored if a member of the Pink Panther robbery group

saw your toe. That's what I. I'd be honored by that somehow. You'd be honored for my to. What an honor. That would be so honorable for us. Hey, this is the time of the episode where we get to direct our gratitude more specifically to a couple of our patrons. Yes.

Patrons. And I'd like to kick us off here by giving my deepest condolences. and gratitudes, because he's having a tough time, possibly. Sure. But a really good guy, and I think he's coming through it pretty well. Great. Pretty hard. He's almost got one of those names that makes me feel like he's made up.

He's like he's got a superhero's alter ego name. Cool. You know, the alliterative name, alliteration type. Yes. Oh, boy, it is. Have we said it's hot in here? It's so hot. I should not be wearing my Santa outfit.

Yeah, it's weird that you are. We did just do the photosheet for the postcards, guys. So it's going to be pretty. Photo shoot is a loose term for what we just did. I mean, we shot some photos. True. We shot some hoops. We shot some emus.

Through the head. But anyway, this guy. But the mouth was open, so they lived. It was really bizarre. Also a superhero in his spare time, but a great guy and listener. He listens while he fights crime, I believe. The man. Josh Jones.

Oh, Josh Jones. Oh, Josh Jones. Yeah, you're right. I've heard of him. I've heard of his superhero character. Matt, can you tell us what his alias is? Which superhero is Josh Jones? Who's Josh Jones?

Josh Jones, yeah, he's a night-time baby boy. Oh, no. What does he pretend to be a baby at night? And then when crime gangs try and Rob Banks, he's inside the vault, and he goes, wha! And takes him out with the power of toddling. He punches him in the face and he goes, suck on that dummy. Suck on that dummy. Which is like what we would call pacifier.

Pacifier, yeah. Are you pacified? Because he's bilingual. He can talk both Australian, English and American, and Scottish, and all the British ones. What's he saying for the Scottish one? We dummy, you fuckhead. That's right. No, that's Australian.

That's Australian and Scottish. We dummy your fuckhead. Fuckhead's probably more Aussie. Hey, Josh Jones has got a lot of gratitude and that's great. Look at all you, Josh Jones. You know who else deserves a little bit of gratitude? Is it? I have a funny for, Jess, you've been building up to this for a while, but you can thank me off here, mate.

Thank you. No, I appreciate you. You're going to do it in front of everyone, but I don't need that. I'm not the kind of guy who needs public adoration. Matt, it's really hot in here and I want to go home. Cool, all right. So I'll thank you. That was the opposite of gratitude.

Yeah, I'd have gratitude towards you if you shut the fuck out. Yeah, I'd be grateful if you just piped out. Okay. Now, this person, I feel like in a spare time slash her retirement in the future, she's going to run a really successful boutique florist. I think this isn't me. Are you doing predictions? Well, Matt did, and I wanted to say something.

No, Matt talked about what this guy currently does. You're talking about someone's a future. I love you. I like, you're tapping into the... And I'm also worried that, like, she'll be like, what the fuck? I'm not going to do that. But I mean, in a nice way, I think that's a really lovely thing to do. Floresistry.

A really cute boutique florist. I'm so into that. And like, she does really... She makes a good living from it. Like, she's very comfortable. And she's sort of known in her community. She's the best. And she has the best time.

And that's obviously Janine Stephen. Yeah. You know? Oh, Janine Stephen. I need to name her. I know. I know you knew who I was talking about,

but our listeners don't necessarily know. So I just thought... Janine Stephen. Not the good name. We surround ourselves with good names. Making such a mess here. Okay. There we go.

Janine Stephen. I'm going to say that over and over as I go to sleep tonight because I think it's really soothing. Janine Stephen. Guys, you know what I love. What do you love? When someone is so great, they demand not one. but two first names.

Janine Stephen. But then somehow single-handedly top that name somehow. And just pick the two best male names I've ever heard and have them in one combo. All right. Think of your two favourite names. Yes, Gary Johnson. Okay, close. Jess. Christopher Walken.

Walken is a first name. I mean Johnson is a first name also. We both fuck that pretty bad. What about Dave Matthews? I just want to say that. Dave Matthews. You can't call it Kid Matthews. Dave.

Dave. It would be great if I thought. Craig David. Yes, I'm walking away. I heard someone said on, I'm sorry, Jess, but someone said the other day that they once heard of a guy who had Craig David Beard Syndrome, where he could only grow his beard in the manicure. If Craig David had a beard.

If Craig David had a beard. Wow. That doesn't. That's someone lying to me. I'm realizing now. That is someone who is too embarrassed to say that they shape their beard. No, I'm talking about the two best names. Also, imagine if I called my kid Warkin.

Walken Warnocky. Oh, that's good. That's a great name. That's cute, actually. I would like to say a big thank you to the love of our lives. I think it's fair to say we can announce this. Grant Travis. Grant Travis.

Say it a couple of times. Grant Travis. Grant Travis. It makes you feel good. Grant. Grant Travis. Grant Travis. Grant Travis.

That is. Grant Travis. Grant Travis. It sounds like a word that means. Oh my God. I've just looked at where Grant lives. Oh, Akron. Fuck, that'd be amazing.

Aberdeen. Oh, Scotland. That's awesome. So it's more like, Grant. He'll understand what I met when I said, suck on that dummy. Fuckhead. Yeah, Grant, that was for you. Suck on the wee dummy.

Oh, no, I'm not. No, we've lost it. Look, I've got. And I know that's probably on the surface offensive. But my great, great grandparents were from Scotland. So I think I have a right. I don't know that you do. I think I have a right.

I own that country. Wee lassie. No, I love it over there. Great place. Beautiful place. Beautiful place. Beautiful. I was there but a few months ago, as was Dave.

You were there but a few months ago. It sounds like you were there every time except a few months ago. I was there, but a few months ago. I was there. but a few months ago I wasn't but I'm back there now you both knew what I meant you fuck heads I don't think Grant Travis knows

he's having a good time It's so hot I'm melting So thank you to all our Patreon supporters We absolutely love you You can get involved The Christmas card offer If you want one for Christmas By Thursday, December 15th

You have to sign up We'll send that out to you It's going to be a lot of fun And remember you can request No weird toe print No I'm going to say that you Can't request because it is way too hard to keep track of it. Can I ask?

No, I think you can only if you request it. You've got to put it in writing. Otherwise you're getting it. Like ASAP. Yeah. Get on there. We're sending them. Some clarification because we are listened to internationally.

Yeah, in Aberdeen. Time zones. Does it have to be by the 15th from where they are? How do we figure that out? Oh, make it 14th just to be safe. 14th. No, no. So today.

Hey, maybe we'll be a little bit. Now. Yesterday, your time. Yes, today, your time. Sign up. Have we clear that up? Australian Standard Time yesterday. Okay.

Okay, you got it? We're like really far ahead of a lot of the time. Look at the sun and if it's up, you've missed your shot. You've missed your shot. That's the rule. That's the rule. But guys, well, we'll start linking to the live show that we weren't going to talk about. I'm really sorry about that.

I'm really sorry about that. I don't know it was secrets. We can't trust him with anything. It's like that time when, um... No! Oh, I was just going to say when... Don't tell you, then my pin number that I just trusted you with. Dave's pin number is...

No, Matt. Seven... Oh, 80. Shut up! No! Bovril! 780 Bovril! That's a cool name for a show.

780 Bovril. Welcome back to 780 Bovril. That's sick. I think I was thinking about Billy Connolly because of Scotland and he used to do a bit about Bovrol. He did use it a bit about that. Anyway, what are we doing? I need to go home now. I have to get up in a matter of hours.

You too have to get... Wherever you're listening, you have to turn this off and go home as well. You can tell your boss. quit. Yeah, I think that's only fair. What about this bad boy up, Davy Boy? Get in contact with us, of course,

at Do Go On Pod for all the Instagram, Twitter and a Facebook account. Do Go OnPod at gmail.com. We're on the Patreon. We'll be linking out to all that kind of stuff. But thank you so much for listening. And until next time, Matt, is one thing to say, do you, Matt? I was just going to say,

please give us a five-star review if you can be bothered. That just helps us in some way, some sort of algorithm thing. It only takes you 30 seconds, and it makes us feel a minute. It's worth of betterness. Some of those little reviews, warm the bloody cockles. Yeah.

Oh, if you get a little reference in there to the pod, oh man. Warm the cockles. Warm the cobbles. I've got to go and warm my cockles. It's like it's a mean, it means something nice. I've got to go. Thank you and goodbye. Later.

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