Do Go On - 61 - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! THE LEGEND OF KRAMPUS

Episode Date: December 21, 2016

Another year, another Christmas episode! This year Jess talks about the mysterious legend that is ....Krampus! Our little Australian brains knew nothing about this. There is also a lot of talk about completely irrelevant things. Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And Merry Christmas from the Do Go On podcast. My name is Dave and I'm here with Santa Claus himself, Matt Stewart and our elf friend, Jess Perkins. When I'm Santa Claus. No, let's be honest, I'm the elf.

No, but your festive boy. Number one ranked festive boy on Google.com. I feel like we've been, we've probably led people Australia a bit because I'm clearly the most festive of all the boys here. How so? How so? I look, I put up my tree today. Today. Yeah, and it's...

Mine's been up for weeks. Okay, all right. But did you do it today? See, right now, I'm more festive than you. How so? I don't understand how that works at all. It's still fresh. I mean, the trees are still basically in my hands.

And it's like a few days before Christmas. Yeah, he's still got pine stuck in his hand. Look, he's bleeding. Yeah, look. Who about? Why? It's in my blood. Bleeding for Christmas.

Bleeding for Christmas. I bleed Christmas. I bleed red and green. That's our first hashtag, hashtag, Bleeding for Christmas. Is it a number four? Number four. I fucking love Christmas so hard.

Do you? I fucking love it. It's my favourite. I feel so good just sitting here being with you guys because it's Christmas. What about the rest of the year? Exactly. Christmas. You know what I mean?

No, I'm not sure I do, but I like your enthusiasm. All right, come on Christmas. Let's get, but I, yeah, I've told you before. I don't like it as soon as it's done. But when it's coming up, fuck I love. Christmas. The boxing day, you're done. Yeah, I'm over pretty quickly.

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's nice. But the lead up to it, I get, I get like, you know, it's some sort of a hazy fog that falls over me and I'm just like a Christmas maniac in all the right, in all, like in positive ways. Good maniac. Because, I mean, off the top, Christmas maniac sounds like, oh, this isn't good. Like another diehard movie.

There's a Christmas maniac in town. Yeah, that's why you're the Hans Gruber of Christmas. Yeah, but I'm no gruber. I'm no grub. But you're a grub. I'm a grubber and a shaker. I'm a grubber and a shaker in a good way. Do you have a favorite Christmas carol that you like to get jiggie?

I mean, depending on how you're calling, where you're drawing the line at Carol, if you're talking about Christmas song, I do, I'd say I'd be between, oh, that's contradicted myself straight away, but I'd be between a couple, and that'd be the two classic ones, I reckon, how to make gravy by Paul Kelly. And ironic by Alanis Montes Marisette. Fairy tale of New York by the Pogue. And number three, like very close behind that would be Alanis, Mo Rosette. Morissette, ironic.

Finally ironic. My favourite is Wham last Christmas. Oh, that's a good one. Love that track. Oh, good one, yeah, good one. Love that song. And also, let it snow as my family. Classic one.

Yeah, that's a good one. Jess Perkins. My mom always used to put on this, every Christmas morning, she would put on this CD that she had like a Christmas song CD. Was it by a Patsy Biscoe? No, was it like... What the fuck is that? Just throwing it out.

Throwing it out there. You got it. Hey, there's no wrong answers on Christmas, mate. You got to throw it out there. No, it was just like, it was a compilation CD, and she would always play Bing Crosby's White Christmas. Oh. A big one.

Controversial. A little bit controversial. No, just always reminds me of, you know, waking up on Christmas morning. I once sat in a near Christmas time in a cafe in the Scottish Highlands, and they played the first minute of White Christmas on Loop, and I sat and ate lunch for 45 minutes. Very good. I was going to say why did it take you to take 45 minutes for lunch, but you do eat very slowly.

I'm slow. Tiny esophagus. Not even Bing is speeding me up, right? Yeah, can't do it. Not even Bing. Maybe Google, we're not Bing. I forgot about how to make gravy. That's my favourite Paul Kelly song, but I never, I never counted as a Christmas song.

Yeah, right. Because I love it all year round. He's in jail. It's a letter, and he's in jail. Yeah. But it's a great song, and if you're not Australian, so you probably don't know that song, You should look it up. I was listening to a Christmas Spotify mix that I made a year earlier.

But I couldn't remember putting this song on that came up was by New Kids on the Block. And I don't know. I can't remember it as cool, but it starts. It goes, oh, fuck, I should have remembered what it said before I started the Sanders. But it's something like, Merry Christmas, everyone from their new kids on the block. It's awful, but it's awesome. So good. What about tin lids?

Did you ever listen to any of the tin lids? Last year on radio we played most of their album. Jimmy Barnes' kids. Jimmy Barnes' kids. Oh, right. I've never heard their songs. They did a Christmas album. It's adorably bad.

It's so funny. Because they were kids. It was a big hit? I remember they'd been a big, big old hit. So was it genuinely popular? I think so. I think it's sold. Yeah.

I don't know why. But anyway, pretty great. One of my faves. There you go. Not. Oh, actually, a couple of years ago, I downloaded all this Christmas music and played it, like, loudly in the house on Christmas Eve to kind of annoy my family. Just like, I was just being overly enthusiastic. That's the Christmas spirit right there.

That's where she's number three on the festive scale. Yeah. Well, it wasn't, they were just, they'd be no fun. I was like, get into the spirit. Oh, you. Yeah. So I was trying to, I was playing on this music. Get in or fuck off.

Christmas spirit. That's Christmas spirit right there. The good one, a great one, is Michael Boubley and Shania Twain singing, I think they do White Christmas. Yeah, and it's like, oh, it's, again, so bad it's good. Because she's just doing as many vocal tricks as she can, and it's, it's just them showing off, and it's brilliant. So great. Shanaia Twain, that sounds more, that sounds like what I'd think Mariah Carey'd be all about, you know, and she's... Yeah.

Every song she somehow gets that in there. She's holding her hand up and down, going... Yeah. Which, for me, it's impressive for about 10 seconds and then you go, wow, this is actually awful on my ears. Sing the word. Yeah. Just get that word out, would you please? But what are you saying?

What are you saying? What's the message here? So, guys. Yes. Have a merry what? Sorry. This is our second Christmas special. Yeah.

Which I'm excited about. I did the last one, which was about the history of Santa Claus. Check it out if you haven't listened to it already. That's very good. This week's is Jess. She was there. This week's is. is Jess and I don't know what it is.

I don't think you know what it is either. But I was just thinking Christmas specials TV. Do you have one or whatnot? You know? Like Santa's little helper on The Simpsons, like very early episode. Maybe even the first, was that the first episode of The Simpsons?

Yeah, Simpsons roasting on an open fire, I think it's called. Oh, Dave. Wow. I also really enjoy the one where Bart Shoplift. Yeah, it melts the tree. Yeah, and then at the end, snow melts. Yeah.

And that's got one of my all-time favorite. Parking lot. Would you like to play again? You have selected. No. Lee Carvella's putting challenge. That's got one of my all-time favorite lines. Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

Hello, Mata. Yeah, that is a great episode. Went to Grenada in southern Spain earlier in the year, and that was in my head the whole four days I was there. That's hung. Do you understand? Capish Catfish All right

So this episode is Remembering the Simpsons No It's like that But us That's what I want I want like a bit of I want some pathos in this year

It's funny but sad as well Because you feel bad for Barton that episode Oh no It's sad That's what I want you to do For this episode I think I think my favourite Christmas special

Is family ties when they did This is An old day You probably weren't born When this is out It would have been late 80s The But I've watched it in the 90s, all right?

Sure. But it was where Michael J. Fox's character was like the Scrooge character. And he went through that thing about Tom Thumb and Little McDougansson or whatever. And the ghost of Christmas. Chrismish. Whatever. Christmas, Little McDougalson. Look, I can't remember any of it.

You know, the kind of Harry Dickinson novel. Charles Dickens. Yeah. Harry Dickinson. Yeah. You know, where I either. You were so close with all of those. I gave you the right gist.

The ghost of Christmas. Frishish. Just you have a favourite Christmas? Yeah, I can't... I'm sure I do. I can't think of any off the top of my head. It really put me on the bloody spot. No, I don't know.

Was it the one where the nanny had the full episode like the cartoon intro? Only the full episode was that cartoon stuff. Did that happen? Yeah. Did that happen? Yeah, that happened. I've never seen that one. Was it Christmas?

It was a Christmas special. sounds a bit like that people were too busy to film one over Christmas so they got someone animated. Yeah, probably. Probably. I won't a holiday. That feels like that would have cost more, but maybe not. Or taken more time. Do you think that they may be... 90s animation.

But it's not like they looped the... It wasn't what it is now. Fact. But they didn't just loop the things on for 24 minutes. Oh yeah, yeah. And they just put snow over the top of it. And the snow slowly filled the screen. And then when the snow filled the screen, it was the end of the episode.

Merry Christmas. Because they were buried to death. Buried to death. What about Christmas movies? Do you have any movies that you like? Die hard. Obviously. I love Die Hard.

A given. I actually do watch that on Christmas. There's a Poirot special. Of course there is. To Christmas. I enjoy that. That's good. Love actually.

Oh, that is a good movie. I'm going to be watching that with my mum on Christmas Eve. I enjoyed the Muppets Christmas Carol. That was very good. Yes. Yes. That was good. Did that have Michael Kane then?

Michael Kane. Michael Kane. Hello, Muppets. I'm Michael Kane, Quishmish. Mine was bad, but I think he might have been worse. Dave, you do it. I'm Michael Kane. I would like to say Merry Christmas.

We did it. Even Dave's face is great when he does it. You've got to commit to the cane. All right? You got to. You got it. What about Christmas? You said Kane.

And now I'm thinking about it. like candy canes. Do you have a favorite Christmas foods? Oh, turkey. Yeah, I thought I said the other day. I was like, I think that's the only time of year I eat turkey. I just love roasts. I love a roast.

And this year I've been told that we're having, at my mum's cousin's house, we're having salmon and salad. What the fuck? It's summertime. Turkey's not really a summer. Salmon can fuck off. Salad. I'm not going to waste my life on that.

How many times do you live, Matt? One time. Well, depending on what you believe. Always ruining it with your bloody religious affiliations. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that's happening to you. My favourite is peas with gravy. It's, you know, it's the roast because I'm usually forgotten about in some way that I don't eat the meat. So I just get double serving of all the veggies on the side.

You just get double peas. Double peas, but I fucking love. Yeah. I love peas with gravy all over them. And spuds. Yeah, spuds. Pumpkin. Oh, man, I love this from pumpkin.

Any of that roast stuff, apart from parsnip, Parsnip can fuck off. See, I've only... My dad loves it, but... Told too many things to fuck off too early today. I've left myself nowhere to go. That's absolutely not true. Jess, fuck off.

No, I've got to do the report. Sorry, all right, you can stay. You're in the bin with the salmon. I only stopped eating meat this year, and my mum is not good at, like, she can't handle it because she's always been like a meat and three veg kind of cook. Yeah, I just have four veg. She doesn't understand.

She's always like, oh, it's just double the peas. Is that enough? So I'm very interested to see what Christmas is going to be like. It's going to be interesting. So you're not going to have turkey. No. But you'll have it available. It'll be there because I come from two very large families.

So there's a lot of people around. But don't you feel like you're a bit of a prick for not having turkey when little Davy Warnocky is up in the country eating salmon and salad? I'll also be up in the country, mate. And do you want me to just bring you back some turkey? Yes. Actually, don't feel too bad for me because. at my mum's house, you know, my parents' house yesterday we had a special Christmas lunch

because we couldn't have a roast next weekend. No way. You're all outraged? So you're like, oh, it was really for me. And then we also had a cheesecake from the cheesecake shop, so I had a great day. Oh, I'm so happy for you. Yeah. Really stretching Christmas now.

Maybe you are the festive boy. What a chishmish. What a chishmish miracle. Well, should we get on to our Christmas show? I'd love to get onto the show. It almost feels like we've been padding, but we've got no reason to. Hey, and what are your thoughts about Christmas? I just got excited.

Books. What's your second favourite holiday? Very good question. Do you have any techniques for getting the Christmas tree down and storing it away? Punching it in the throat, kicking it in the dick. Matt's going to throw who's out the front door. He wakes up on Christmas. Boxing Day.

Yeah, Boxing Day and it just starts boxing the tree. Do they call it Boxing Day Everywhere? Yeah. It's an universal term. Oh, not everywhere, but basically, like everywhere that, I think nearly everywhere. There you go. Everywhere that would have Christmas. Has Boxing Day?

Oh, look, I think that's kind of right. Someone's going to email in and tell me if I'm a bloody butchered it. Here in the Cook Islands, we call it something else. Yeah, no, that might be right. It's certainly not an Australian thing, even though we do have the Boxing Day cricket test match. Sure. Which... That's ours, right?

I mean, it's here. And what's your favorite memory? How do you own a cricket match? What's your first memory? What's your first memory of the Boxing Day of test? Anyway. Now, Jess, you did a shout out on Twitter for people to suggest Christmasy topics. I did.

I did. And actually, yeah, people got in contact with me, which was really lovely and very helpful. Thank you for that. And quite a few people came back with the same suggestion. Did you decide to get with the popular consensus? The popular... And also, it was nothing that I... Something I hadn't heard of.

Christmas. Yeah, it was about, have you guys heard of it? Chrish. Chrismish. I mean, I know, Kishmish. Christmas. I was spelling it in a weird way on Twitter.

So weird, not Kishmish. In my head, I'm spelling that like, C-R-I-S-H, M-A-S-H, Kishmish. Kish-M-I-S-H, yeah, Kish-M-M-S-M-H. His face is so good. Kish-M-M-E-M-G-E-G-E. Got a good face. Anyways, guys.

Need that. For podcasting. Yeah, it's got a face for the podcast. Got him, he's fuggly. No, you're right, David. Oh, that was a bit far. Yeah, sorry, man. You're too close to the bone there.

You're not really excited. You've really put into words what everyone was thinking, and that's cruel. You implied it, and I just, I could have left it, but I didn't. We were all saying, you know, with our eyes, so you and me, I'm, what a fuggo. You said it with your mouth as well, and that's when I went too far. Yeah, sorry, Dave. Sorry, fuggow, Warnock. He's our little

Kishmish boy. It's a Christmas miracle. What day is this? Today's Christmas Day. Excuse me, Fuggo boy. What day is this? Oh, sir, it's Kishmish Day. Anyway, so we had a few people tweet in.

Somebody suggested, do the origins of Santa, which Matt did last year. That hurts. Jeez, that hurts. Can you tell me who that was, so I can send them a sternly written tweet. I can...

How dare you? You know what I... It was a very... I think it was like episode seven or something. Ow! Yeah, I could have just saved time and just asked you to send me that report and I could have just done it again.

It's true. You should have just done the same report every Christmas. I thought... Oh, that'd be great. I wouldn't have noticed. That'd be really funny. Would not have noticed. Yeah, I don't remember most of our reports.

Yeah, we're usually very hard. No, do you know what, though? People will sometimes talk to me about topics that we've done, and I'll be like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've done that as a topic, and they'll ask me a question. I'll go, oh, I don't know. I don't remember the information. I thought this podcast was going to make me smarter.

Ask me a question about any topic, Jess, and I'll show you how my mind is like a bear trap. All right, Jess asked me this earlier in the day, and I remembered it. What is the name of the giant painting opposite the Mona Lisa in the Louvre? He was also part of that group chat too, so he saw it. Oh, do you see that? Which makes it even worse. You can't remember. He was like, not about me, not reading it.

Was it the pioneer by Frederick McCabon? Yeah. Very close. Very close. Another very well-known Australian artist. Veronaci with the wedding at Kana. None of those words ring a bell. We were seeing a message like a few hours ago.

Sorry. Do you ever read our messages? Sure. Okay. Good answer, Matt. Anyway, so people will tweet it in. If they're directly replying to me, then yes. When you guys are chatting amongst yourselves, I could not.

Could not care less. When you get on there and there's like 30 missed messages, you're like, I'm not reading all these. I'll just get the gist in the last one. Yeah. Great, guys, so it's all settled. See you tomorrow. Oh, great. All settled.

I don't know what time that is. I'll just ask tomorrow. I'll send them a message. I'm not scrolling up. Please repeat. No, Jess, topic. Come on. Yes.

Sorry. Okay. So, last year, obviously, as we mentioned, Matt did the origins of Santa. So my question for you is, who is the opposite of Santa? Evil Santa. No. Michael Kane is Ebenezer Scrooge. Hello, I'm Michael Kane.

It's Ebenezer Scrooge. What time of you is it Ebenezer? It's Christmas Day. Christmas Day, I should say. But I do not respect that holiday. I'm making my people. work for free because I'm a bad man. Oh, watch this.

Some sort of frog. Come it. Hello. Hello. Wow. I clearly remember... I want to see where this goes. I clearly remember the movie Werfurt.

Or some kind of frog. Oh, sis. Opposite of Santa. I don't know. There was a... Satan? I don't know if this is anything, but I saw a movie pop up on my Netflix

recently and it was it looked like evil Santa and its name was something like Grampsus Yes, it was a movie Well that's not the name But it was a movie that was made last year And it has like Adam Scott

And Tony Collette in it And it's about Crumpus Crumpus You were close Crampus Crumpus Because it sounds like a crumpet

Doesn't it It sounds delicious What's a crumpus Okay I hadn't heard of it either So thank God Ask that Michael Cain Yeah. Crumpus, I never heard of that.

No, you lost it. I thought I was going to be a lot better than that. You know why? You lost it. Do you know why I didn't get that? Because I didn't say, hello, I'm Michael Kane. Hello, Michael Kane. Crumpus can go fuck itself.

Oh, there we go. So he's got to say, do you have to say hello on Michael Kane? Can you just say Michael Kane and then get into it, I wonder. Michael King. I am a man. No, so you have to say hello. Hello, I'm Michael Kane and I am a man. Here we go.

There we go. He's got to say hello, I'm Michael Kane. Kane there, which is weird, isn't it? I'd be interested to find out if anyone feels that sounds anything like Michael Kane. We are humoring him, right? I'm going to be amazed if anybody is still listening. Because we've chatted for way too long.

Hello, I'm Michael Kane and Jess. Please do go on. Can't wait to hear about Gramp. So is Crumpus is a thing? Crumpus is a thing. But is it just a movie from a year ago? No, it's based on this legend of which I will tell you. I'll tell you all about.

Well, I've never heard of him. Okay, neither would I. Okay, then. What about me? Yeah, what about Matt? Matt has never heard of him. Have you heard of Matt, though? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Big fan. Big fan. Big time. So this was suggested by, well, particularly three people on Twitter. The Wise Men? The Three Wise Men on Twitter. Dane, who's at MGI 471, underscore Lee. William Jack, who's at Aussie Boomerang,

and Vinegar-based Dreams, who is at Vinegar, BBQ, DAWG. Oh, that's great. They're all good. No, that Twitter handle is way too long. You've used up half the characters just replying to them. Yeah, true. You've got to think about that.

VicarBQ. Dog. Right, so thank you to the three wise men. Thank you. For your gifts. Your gifts. It's a very similar gift, all suggesting the same thing, but I appreciate that.

No, I like that. Or all gold. Oh, God. Yeah. There it is. Fuck the frankincense and meir. Fuck off. Frankencence and meur can fuck off.

Oh, in the bin. I knew Matt wanted to do it. I could feel it, but he's already told too many things to fuck off. I think I might have done it before you. Anyway. Did you say fuck off? Look, let bygones be bogus. And so says all of us.

Merry chishmash. Mary Crompess. So, Crampus. Now, historians are a little unsure as to the exact origins of the Crumpus figure in folklore, but it's believed that like Santa, Crumpus predates Christianity and stems from Norse and Alpine traditions and like Germanic paganism. So Crumpus, whose name is derived from the German word crumpen, meaning claw, is said to be the son of hell in Norse mythology, H-E-L, and Hell is the ruler of Hellheim, which

She's the realm of the dead, and she's the youngest child of the evil god Loki, Thor's brother. And she's usually described as a horrible hag. She's like the word hag. Hell is a hag. She's a hag. She's half alive and half dead. And heaven is a half pipe. Hell is a hag.

That's on. Well, she's half alive, half dead. She's half alive, half dead. Which half, top or bottom? Good call. Her face and body are those of a living woman, but her thighs and legs and legs. are those of a corpse which are all like mottled and yuck. Terrible sex life.

She'd have horrible. Would you prefer it the other way? Oh yeah. Imagine downstairs. I'm ready to go upstairs. I'm rotting away. That's disgusting. Actually, it's all pretty gross, isn't it?

Would you rather look down? That's jaws a line. Yeah, I mean, like neither are good, are they? Ugh. Well, I'm not trying to have sex with hell. Okay? You bloody pervert. Jesus, Dave.

Well, I wouldn't say no. But would I say yes? That's the question. Yes, I would. All right, cool. Crumpus shares a lot of characteristics with other scary, demonic creatures in Greek mythology as well. So what does he look like? Can we have a guess?

I'm imagining, like, it looks like Santa, but with black hair. So you're just thinking evil Santa, though, aren't you? Yeah, that's what, isn't that what that is, this guy is? It's evil Santa. Like, sort of more like a black beard pirate type. He's like a... I'm picturing a demon. Matt's more on the money.

You're just thinking bad Santa. There's no wrong answers at Christmas. Well, but Matt's... At Christmas, there's... There's more wrong answers than ever, actually, Dave. It's one of the weird... It's one of the weird traditions. It's kind of beautiful.

So one time you can tell a child they're wrong. It slam down their imagination. Yeah, slam it down. Slame it down and wind it all around. Yeah, there we go. And as you got to go. Although Crappas appears in many variations, most share... Oh, so one of those variations with a black beard, okay?

Incorrect. None of them. There's thousands and thousands. None of them with a black beard. Every combination. Every hair color except black hair. He is very hairy. And black hair.

Yes. The common physical characteristics is that he's hairy. It's usually brown or black hair. He's got cloven hooves. Well, I was imagining that. And horns of a goat. Oh, no. You were just thinking like Santa.

had gone through a midlife crisis and died his white hair black. Yeah, and to try and look young again for Mrs. Claus. We're wearing like a jail-style jumpsuit, like an orange one. That's what I was imagining. Like, he's been imprisoned for years. Well, that's not what, I don't think that's what Crumpus looks like, but if that's how your imagination would like to take it, that is fine. Great.

Okay. But he's actually, so he's hairy. He's hairy. He's got hooves and he's got goat horns. Poking out of his Santa hat. No, there's no Santa hat. What? How was this evil Santa at all?

You made up evil Santa. Copyright. Just asked opposite of Santa, which, yeah, kind of leads you to think evil Santa. All right, so the opposite of Santa feature he doesn't have. It also makes sense. No hat, no clothes. No beard.

It's more to do with what he does that makes him the opposite of Santa. He stills the presence. No, okay, just let me do the report and then we'll find out. The reindeer ride, him. He goes up the chimney He rocks climbs out of your chimney He gives kids milk He drops him off and goes up the chimney

Oh I love you crumpers Fuck off He steals from kids and gives to elves Yeah That's fine He doesn't enslave elves like Santa He gives him gifts No he also has like a long

Pointy fork tongue that sticks out of his mouth. I suppose that's the opposite of Santa's normal tongue. And he has fangs. Oh. Santa doesn't have fangs. Yeah, so... Sounds like a real mess this guy.

Yeah, he's not... Snake face. Yep. Hornhead. Hornhead. A big old hornhead. Is any part of him... Is any part of him rotting?

I don't think so, no. He's... He's... He's fine. His mid... just his abs. His side obliques. He's got to work on that call. Yeah, use it, lose it.

And he's lost it. It's dead. Come on, crumps. What an... Yeah. It's really disappointing. Definitely cannot crump with those obliques. No crumpin for crumpus.

Crumpin for crumpus, another hashtag. What accessories? Like, if Crumpus was like a Barbie doll, what accessories do you think he would come on it? You think he holds a trident? Dave? Blacks and a hat. Ah, yeah, black sleigh.

He's not just Santa but black. Black reindeer's. Like, dressed in black and... No, he's not goths. Well, the opposite of red is actually green. So you've got a green sleigh. Which is also a pretty festive colour. So people think he's nice.

And then they see the tongue and they're like, oh, it's a bit off. Put that away. Stop smiling. But his tongue isn't red. It's green. It's green tongue. Got a gangrenous green ton. Yeah.

His mouth is rotting. He's addicted to lime Zupo Doopers. Well, who isn't? Am I right? Yeah, that's a good point. It's not the opposite of me on that score. You're not Santa. Does he have... Wait, I always introduced to Santa.

Up the top. You were up the top. Was you taking that back? Yeah. I didn't do it. I didn't do the intro. Oh, you can't take it back then. David, I still Santa.

You bloody, whatever you want to be, Matt. I want to be... Grampsus. Crumpus. Crampus. Grampus. Grampus. What's that Santa's dad?

Grampsus. Fuck he's old. It's crampus's dad. No. Crumpus. So is Crumpus? Yes. Does he have accessories?

Yes, that's what I'm asking. Oh, bangles. No, the bangles. The band with him at all time. He's a live backing band for some reason. He carries chains. They're thought to symbolise the binding of the devil. by the Christian church, and he thrashes the chains for dramatic effect.

I love that. I love an evil guy who's doing stuff for dramatic effect. And he's also sometimes, like, sometimes the chains have bells on them. Oh, that's so fucking evil. Dramatic effect. But he's a guy who's trying to do bad stuff, but he's going, he's still thinking about the theatre of it? Oh, yeah.

Because I just do whatever the bad thing that you're going to tell us about. Yeah, he sounds like a, like a WWF wrestler coming out, I'm the bad boy here. Chinky, chinky, chinky. Yeah, I'm going to take out the hero. Oh, yeah. Oh, flames are coming out of the top. Oh, I've got some heavy metal music.

Check out that tattoo. And then? Yeah, nuke the whales. Fuck him. He's got Santa in a headlock. He's like, right, Sandy, you're ready to go damn? This is re-rehearsed. You're going down for a three-count.

Excuse me. Nuk the whale. He fucking hates them. That is pretty. That is. San is very pro-wales. Yeah, pro-wales. So he's the opposite in every way.

Newk the whales. Nuk the whales. Not even for scientific research. Just for fun. Yeah. Newk the whales in brackets for fun. It's a big tattoo, but he's got big guns, am I right? I'm a bad boy.

I ride a chopper. I'm a really bad boy. He just sounds shit. He just, all right, crump. Cramps. Graham's just, hello? He's trying.

too hard, back. Sounds shit, but the vast majority of what we think about him is stuff we've made up. All I know for sure is he's got horns and some chains. I know, but the stuff that I've said about him is fucking crap. Get back on your bike. Well, he sounds like the guy, you'd go into prison and everyone's like real scared of him, but then really you could just like sort of punch him once and he'd be like, all right, you're the winner now.

Yeah. Is that what they do in prison? You're the winner. Yeah, I've been to prison many times. Have you? Grampsus is always there. He loves going on tours. You went to the rock?

I've been to Alcatraz. I've been to the old Melbourne jail. You've done it all, kid. I've done it all. You've done it all. Been to the slamer. Mate, he's done his time. He's done his job.

30 minutes in the queue to get into the Alcatraz. It's fucking outrageous. I booked my tickets online and still had to line up. Bullshit. Bloody bullshit. Okay, well, you might like this then. I reckon I will. Um, one of the, uh, the more, uh, sorry, like, of the pagan origins, um, of things that he has with him are the rootin, which are bundles of birch branches.

Cromp's, no, I change my mind. This guy is bad. Crompice carries with, which he occasionally swats children with. He hits him. I mean, on a special occasion. With a burnt twig. He hits him. Yeah. He hits him with a burnt twig.

He hits him. He doesn't hit him. He swats him. Do you say birch? Like a fly. Do you say birch or burnt? Birch. Oh, like, I thought he'd been roasting marshmallows and got the burnt stick instead of hitting kids.

And he's poking kids. Boy, fuck off, Graham. Birch, burnches. That classic child named Graham. Graham. He sounds kind of flamboyant. He's got chains chinka, chink, chink, a swat. Get away.

Stop it. Well, sometimes those branches are replaced by a whip. Oh, I like it. It can be a little bit. I don't think of it. No, I'm just thinking of S&M Santa. He's just fully leathered up. It's just a leather center.

sometimes crumpers appears with a sack or a basket strapped to his back um basket it looks like a fucking turtle it's not your mum's washing basket by the way did you used to do that with the washing basket oh definitely what was that love that like that would still be the only way mum could get me to carry the washing basket back to the laundry is like can i wear a that's a turtle she's like yeah sure i guess i don't care and by the way i can dress as cramps us in our house i was a teenager when this was happening. Look, my mama turtle.

I'll put on my back. What a great kid. Anyway. So you're going to sack or a basket. Yeah, that's because he, basically the point of Crumpus, and I'll talk about it a bit more in a sec anyway. But so you've got like St. Nicholas who rewards the good children. But Crumpus is like the opposite.

So he's actually kind of a partner of St. Nicholas, but he punishes the bad children. So he does the dirty work. Yeah, so he's got this sack or basket with him And he like takes naughty children off to hell basically That's pretty full on It's really full on You're either getting a Nintendo way

Or you're spending eternity In eternal damnation So maybe stop hitting your sister I'm sorry but you fell short of the good by 1% You've got to go to hell forever Sorry But your sister now has two controllers So nobody play with

But still But the batteries go dead on one Just straight back up playing tennis and time. Yeah. Playing tennis. So exciting. Some reason she's, yeah, she's playing tennis out in the backyard.

They live in quite a big property, but she just likes draining the batteries of the controllers. She's a maniac. They got the wrong guy. So the feast of St. Nicholas is celebrated in parts of Europe on the 6th of December. And on the night before the December 5th, it's Crumpus Night or Crumpus North. I don't speak German, but it's Crumpus Knight. Nicked? I heard Dave's German because of all the Nazi stuff.

Kampus Nacht. You just said that. I'm a cook-Ka-kai and welcome to Campes-Natched. I'm so sorry to anybody who knows how to pronounce that. So on that night, so the 5th of December, the hairy devil appears on the streets. You hairy devil. You hairy devil. He is a day.

So sometimes this is. is so good. This sentence is the best. So sometimes, accompanying St. Nicholas and sometimes on his own, Crumpus visits homes and businesses. You've been a bad lawyer. You said he was innocent and he fucking wasn't. I like the idea of him like door knocking with his own business cards. Like he's sort of trying to like...

And he weren't going here? Just visiting local businesses. Accountants are definitely going to hell, am I right? Yeah, you guys got any bad kids. kids, I'll take them away. I'll get them off your hands. I'll take them off. Take them a mistake.

I'll take them away right now. Free charge. Take them right off hands. Free charge. Look, it's a pleasure for me. It's a job. Hey, I know this sounds suss, but I know Santa. Yeah, we work in tandem.

San has approved this. He's approved this message. Put the kids in the van and I'll be on my way. So unlike the, um, put the kids in the van. Unlike the North American versions of Santa Claus, or sort of like our version as well and probably the kind of, universal common theme now. In these celebrations,

so the idea, like I was kind of mentioning before, St. Nicholas consens himself with good children, while Crumpus is responsible for the bad kids. That does seem a bit like a handball. Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally. He wanted to do the good job.

Yeah. So, so Nicholas, like, gives out all the gifts, while Crumpus supplies coal and those bundles of branches. Wait, so he's giving coal, or is he taking him away? Bit of both. Bit of both. Okay. He's kind of like...

Well, he's used as well as like a way of making kids behave. He's being used. Crompus. Oh, no. This is disappointing. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry to disappoint you. As opposed to Santa, who's not used to make kids behave at all.

He'd been good little Jimmy. Well, maybe we needed a bad guy as well. Yeah. Some kids need a carrot, some needs a stick. You know what I mean? No, I don't at all know what you mean. A bit of birch. You need a bit of birch in your life.

Some kids. Some kids need carrot. What do you mean? Yeah, carrot of the stick. It's like you either... Positive reinforcement. The donkey, right? Or beat them?

You're trying to lead the donkey along and you put the carrot out in front of them. Yeah. That's the carrot going, look, you get a carrot if you do a good a thing. Good thing. What's is that? Broken, weird, broken... You get the carrot if you do a good a thing.

And the stick is like, do it. Otherwise you get hit, dickhead. So it's like a negative. It's like going, fear of the negative or possibility of the positive. What sort of kid do you think you are? I was definitely a whatever it takes to please people. Hey, what do you want me to, I'll do whatever you like. I'll help with a carrot.

Yeah, I'll eat a carrot or get a stick. I'll eat the stick if you like. I don't know. What do you want? Oh, that's kind of sad and sweet. Yeah, just a horrible. horribly sad child. Again, I can't imagine you guys as kids.

Like, in my head, you've just always looked the way you are, but different heights. I've done. I just imagine a really short mat. I'm like, oh, it's a little mat. Yeah, that's it. Hmm, cool. That's pretty much for me. Beard is slightly shorter at five.

Yeah. Slightly. Mama's slightly longer at five somehow. I trimmed mine at five. There you go. The one time. Yeah, you got to. Oh, you must.

You got to treat yourself every now. You got to. To a bit. To a bit. We're getting ourselves here. It's a milestone. What are we talking about again? I don't know.

Yeah, the carrot. Parat or a reward. It's punishment or reward. I'm not really sure. Even what I'm like now. Probably. I like positive. I like positive.

Yeah. It's always better. I think so too. David. I think you're a stick kit. I got to bash you. I'll be to both. I do like the reward.

Yeah. But also, I don't want to go back to jail. Sure. Because I've been there too many times. Sure. Punch scramps us in the face. I ruled that place. But now he wants me dead.

So I can't go back. If I go back, I'll have to chop a star. I'll get someone to chop my ears off so I can get out of there. Luckily, he's this sort of really horribly put together mix of hooves and haunt. You probably can't even hold enough. You just walk down the street, slipping and sliding. All you need is one of those little cattle, like, tray things that they can't walk,

that cows can't walk through. You put that around in your driveway. He's fine. He's just sitting there at the front door going, oh, come on. Hey, I needed to climb up your chimney, mate. Also, like, you know, this is in Europe, a lot of cobbled streets. That must be hard on the hooves. That's probably why so pissed off.

Yeah. He's probably quite nice. He looks at his brother, Santa. As you and their brothers. Are they brothers? No, no. Who is Santa's mum? I reckon it's the same guy.

Santa is just like an alter ego. Yeah. Dr. Jackal and Mr. Do. Hide. Mr Santa. You have some hide. Dr. Santa and Mr. Crumpus. No?

Yes. Dr. Santa and Mr. Crumpus. The Mr. Guy's the bad go. Yeah, so that's fine in this case. And the doctor is the good guy. Yes. Congratulations, you've read a book. I have not read the book.

No, me either. But I've seen... It's the one where in the end... Have you seen the League of Extraordinary gentlemen? Is he in that? Sean Connery. Yeah. I've seen that.

It's good movie. It's been to be awful. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's bad. Okay. I think I liked it. I don't know. Okay.

What do you like? She's flippling and flogged. She turns, doesn't she? No, I've never seen it. As a kid, I thought it looked like it would be good. As a kid? It's not that old.

Isn't it old? No. Not that old. It was a 90s movie? Yeah, it's a 90s movie, so. Is that 90s? Yeah. Was it?

Are we sure? Pretty sure. I remember. been excited by it. We can look it up? Yeah, I want to look it up. Because he's retired down. He's old.

Sean Connery. Yeah, he hasn't been in a movie for quite. Wow. My guess would be... I'm going to say 98. I reckon, I actually think, oh, 2000. 2000. Would you say 98?

That's like, yeah. 2000. Yeah, that's what 2007 or... 2003. It's not that old. So, 2003? Dave was three years off. Yeah.

I was five years off. Our little baby boy. I mean... I quite liked that movie. I think. Who else is in it? Oh, mate. Stuart Townsend, he plays Dorian Gray.

Jason Fleming, who's in, he's in Lockstock and Two Smoking Barrels. Is it a comic book? Shane West is in it. Oh, Richard Roxbury. Isn't he Australian? No. Yeah, he is. Rake, yeah, I was going to say, he's in it, apparently.

Who's Richard? Don't remember him. I don't remember him being in it. Clever Green's in the show for some reason. Anyway. All right, good break. So another part of, Of the celebrations, I guess, are Crampus Carton,

which is, like, families traditionally exchanged colourful greeting cards called Crumpus Carton since, like, the 1800s, and they featured sometimes silly, sometimes sinister Crumpus. Wait, what? How is he silly? He's a bit bloody wacky. Right, but sometimes he's... Because I think people kind of like him.

So I was going to ask, is he... Even though he's stolen some of your kids. kids. Yeah, but he doesn't. But they're shit. They're shit kids. He takes the bad kids. It's like survival of the fittest sort of thing.

It'd be kind of nice if like some of the bad kids in my primary school just disappeared over the summer holidays. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? I think I do. Yeah. I mean, you said I. I said quite clearly. I said quite clearly.

I had died. I wanted some of them to have been taken up abducted and died. They're not dead. They're just in the tunnel downation. In hell. I just want them to be in hell. Forever. Go to hell, literally.

You know? Yeah, right. Like that. Anyway, in the early 20th century, Crumpus was actually prohibited by the Austrian fascist government, but the tradition was revived again with the fall of the government after World War II. Dave, what do you have to say about that? I have no ties to Austria whatsoever.

Interesting. But I mean, Hitler does. He was born there. So you sort of do, don't you? He's your God, after all. Oh, no, no way. In no way. I mean, you sympathize him with him as you could.

sympathize them. Oh boy. Oh, boy. Do you sympathize with a god? I don't think so at all. Does a god need sympathy? I don't think so. Oh, mate, you're telling the story. Okay. So he was banned for about 45 years.

Yeah. So, um, yeah, so, and then he kind of came back, which is sort of cool. And they usually have... I'm back, baby. The rise of Crumpus. They've usually got like rhymes or poems in them. Um, Crumpus is often featured sort of like looming, menacingly over. children. He's also shown as having one human foot and one cloven hoof.

What would you, what would you rather? One, one human foot and one cloven or two cloven? You'd want two of the same. Two cloven. But I mean, it depends.

Like, a human foot's better for if you want to kick a footy around. Or just feel like sand at the beach. Yeah, because that's nice on your face. Yeah. Because the hoof is one big toenail. Yeah.

You know that? And it goes all the way around. So weird. So weird. And their other toes are sort of like weird shriveled up things inside of that or something. It's really weird what a hoove is. I don't think I want to be a part of that. Okay.

Is chopping off my hooves an option? Is two feet an option? No. No. Never. What about the chopping off the hooves thing? What? So you just have like two sort of stumps.

And then I get prosthetic feet. Yeah, yeah. Human ones. Yeah, this sounds like, you've earned that, I reckon. So I'll give you that. I'll let you have that. And can technology be around to? just find our old feet and put them back where they were in the first place.

Well, I suppose someone's already taken them off and replaced them with hooves. So it's going to be somewhere. Just controls it or something. Maybe just never put them on, never put the hooves on. Just leave my feet alone. Is that an option? Is that an option? Yeah, that was option number one.

Did I skip over that? Yeah, you did. I'll do that a lot. And I've pissed up a lot of people. So option number one is keep your feet. Keep your feet. I've accidentally disfigured many people's legs. By not giving them that option.

option B, which is one of each. Oh, Dave. By accident. Oh, no. That's the reverse in the one of each scenario, at least. On the bright side, if you're looking for a silver lining, if anyone out there is sitting there looking down at their... I'm so sorry.

I should have... It cut off the contract. It cut off that question. Yeah. It's easy. It's easy to forget. That's okay. I reckon insurance will cover it.

Yeah, it'll be right. Podcast insurance. We did take that out, don't we? Yeah. I thought you were doing it. Yeah. We're insured for several million dollars. If one of us goes missing, if the golden tonsils were to disappear,

we'd be rolling. We should fake our own deaths, that's what I'm saying. We really should. Stop saying that while we're recording. Oh, no, what? Let's talk about that in our meetings. Is this not what we're doing? Have you been recording these private conversations?

Yeah, for a year now. That is, oh, no, I've said some terrible things. Yeah, you have about Nazis and how much you love them. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no. Oh, God, I hope you. at least edit some things out. Do you?

Yeah, anything bad that I say. Fair enough. So, he's, Crompice is shown like, like, not attacking, but just like being like, bleh over some children, right? Sometimes he's shown in a nice way,

but still hovering. No, but sometimes he has sexual overtones. What? He's pictured pursuing women. Bucksome women. Oh. Mm-hmm.

And over times, the representation of compass in the cards has actually changed. Older versions are much more frightening, kind of menacing, while modern versions have like a cuter, more Cupid-like creature. So people kind of like him. He's like a little bit cute.

Why? Is he still serving the evil purpose? Is he still scaring kids? Yeah, do what I do. Be good kid or I'll sleep with your mum. All right. I suppose I'll be good. Well,

probably could have just offered me a Nintendo way to be good. My mum is lonely This is tough Oh no I don't know how to Oh This isn't really a threat You look like you own good money Yeah

You've got a high profile gig I guess the bullies at school Would probably leave me alone Yeah All right All right dad Welcome to the family You can have mum

That's awful You guys are fucked Can we go play catch Do you have kids? He doesn't have... He doesn't have... It sounds like he's really getting out there. That's a real sitcom, too, hey?

Crumpus just doing his job. Oh no. Instant stepdad. But the father saw more. She had stuff. She had flesh. She was there. That's how she became the Crumpus.

Oh, Mr. Crumpet. Now do Michael Cain as Nanny Fine. Hello. I'm Michael Cain. Mr. Sheffield, I'm in love with you, but I won't reveal it for about eight seats. Pretty good. Pretty good. I'm bored it.

Pretty good. That's beautiful. You really nailed it there. Thank you. So more on that, on Crumpus Night. So what's that? December 6th? We've missed it.

Well, December 6th is St. Nicholas Day. December 5th is Crumpus Night. So it's the night before. So if you get through... Crumpus Night, you know you're going to get a present. But if you're dead, if you're in hell, then you're probably, yeah, it's a bad sign. Yeah, if you wake up on December 6 and you're in hell,

you're like, this did not go well. This is not a good sign. It's not so good. Hey, I'm not giving up all hope. I still want that Nintendo. And kids nowadays might leave out like Santa Sacks is what I had, or like stockings. This, like in the days, back in the day,

German children would look outside their door to see if the shoe or boot they left out for the night contained either presents or a rod What do you mean a rod? It was like a lump of corn. Or like just a rod, just a rod, just a rod, just a rod Stewart. Rod Stewart best of. Oh fuck.

Oh, that's been bad. I've been really bad. I've been really bad. That's the worst time. But do I deserve this? The Great American Songbook Volume 3 No Curse you, Crumpus

In Australia if you leave your boot out You've got to check it the next morning To see there's a buddy spider living in there That's true Oh no People are always like Oh my God How do you live in Australia

There's so many things there that can kill you But it's like I live in the city None of those things are here But you do have to check shoes for spiders Do you? I've never done that But do you leave him outside? Always Boots. Boots got to stay outside, mate.

What do you wear boots for, champ? I wear them for, you know. All the hard work you do, eh? All the hard yacker. It's all about hard yacker. I've got a pair of blunnies that I do wear from time to time when I'm getting things done. But do they ever, you never check for spiders. Never check for spiders.

You're an idiot. That's very dangerous. They're just, when does that happen and you put your foot in there? The spider's dead. The only thing you'd do is check so you don't kill the spider. No. Yeah, that's what we're doing. One time, I had been out on my boogie board all day, and I left my wetsuit hanging over the veranda.

Oh, this sounds going to be a harrowing story. Next day, another beautiful summer day in Australia. And so I went to... In Australia. So I went to do some more boogie boarding. Grab my wetsuit, huntsman. Where? Like, on it, in it.

In your wetsuit. I hadn't put it on yet. No, I hadn't put it on yet. Picked it up. Huntsman. Screamed. I bet you never boogie-boarded again. Huntsmen, they're not bad, are they?

They're just the hairy ones. But they're big. Yeah, I think they're cool. No, yuck. I don't want them all around me. Get huntsmen's around. Anyway, can I... But that's not boots by the same.

I know, I'm just saying, like, check your shit if you're leaving outside. Because one time there was a huntsman on a wetsuit, you should always check your boots. Exactly. Do you understand murals at all? Moral of story Oh, morals of stories Have you got any morals? He doesn't.

If you've got morals, you'll check your bloody wet suit, you'll check your shoes, and you'll shut up about it. You'll do what we all do, all do, all right? Do you want Crumbus to come around and sort you out? Do you? No, do you? Smart lip? No.

No. You'll poke you in the eye with a stick if you're lucky. If you're lucky. Yeah. If you're chosen. Crumbus isn't the only menacing counterpart of St. Nicholas, by the way. Although parts of Germany celebrate Crumpus, celebrate Crumpus, other regions have Belchnicle. I like it.

Is it similar sort of character? Kind of. I think Belchnichel is kind of similar. France has Hans Trapp and the Netherlands has the controversial Zwart Piet or Black Peter. Did you talk about him? Yeah. They came together on the tugboat from Spain. From Spain, yeah.

From Spain. the Netherlands. Oh. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And it's a little bit controversial because people dress up in blackface. Oh, come on, guys.

Come on, guys. Come on, guys. Anyway, so all of these... You can hear more about that. Yeah, listening to last year's episode. So, these figures all kind of date back to pagan celebrations of December 22nd, which is the longest night of the year,

that were then later adopted for Christmas. So, together with the... crampus-like figures and the bishop that is St. Nicholas they held kind of a judgment day for children where the punishments for being naughty

who were much more severe than a lump of coal so this is when they would like because now you'd be like not three no anything take my eyes but don't get me coal no more don't give me something that I could warm my poor little

life with it is funny it's like a It's a finite precious resource. Well, I know, but would you be that happy with it? If that's what I gave you for Christmas? Because that's what I bought you for Christmas. No, you can't return that. You cannot.

They will not take it back. No, they had no refunds files. Black or brown, Carl. Brown? Brown. That's not good. I don't. Way to be ungrateful.

Um, manufacturing. Manufacturers started to, um, commercialise crumpus after 1890. Oh, can you just say what sort of punyful? They were getting? Oh, no, that's sort. I mean, like, it, rather than it being, because, like, Santa, if you're bad, you'll have a lump of coal.

This was further back where the punishments were worse. So it would have been like... Throw you off a bridge or something. No, it would have been like in the sack, in the, in the basket, off to hell we go. Or, like, death or... Some of the stories are really dark. But now it's just...

Off the hell we go. Not like Santa at all. Well, he sounds like he's evil. Oh, no. Look, those... Those horns just did not give it away early. Yeah. Yeah.

So after 1890, the Austrian government relinquished control over the nation's postcard production. So before that, the government controlled all of the postcards. If you control the postcards, you control the world. Right. They thought that was their theory for a few years. It did not happen. Didn't work. So they gave that up.

And then the postcard industry flourished. And people would give out sort of like. like cards we were talking about before, but there was cards for kids which featured images of a scary Crumpus, frightening children, beating them, taking them away, usually in like a sack or something on his back. Sounds like it really flourished. Yeah, it was, wow. But then in like 1903 or 1904, adult cards also began to appear.

And I don't mean like X-rated, but I just mean like cards that showed that Crumpus was punishing adults as well. Or they'd show him as like a silly figure carrying women away. Or even as a romantic suitor. Oh, so silly. He's just been so silly. He's just put a woman in a basket. He's just abducting women.

Silly crompsis. Yeah. How silly. What a silly boy. Assaulting women. Jess? What a silly boy. Sounds a bit silly, is that?

Anyway. A more modern take on the tradition in Austria, Germany, Hungary, Slovenia and the Czech Republic. involves drunken men dressed as devils who take over the streets take over the streets for crumpus laugh which is a crumpus run when people are chased through the streets by the devils so in austrian parts of germany people still dress up as crumpus to scare children on this crumpus night it was like a horrible not to be a child like they did in the 19th century but the crumpus run where the men get drunk and run through the streets is obviously mainly for the adults that's less so to do with the children I'm picturing them with those bibs

you know with the numbers on them there's a start line, there's a gun they've trained all year They just leave one kid on the street They just all chase the one kid Please Oh It's like 2,000 people

Crumpsters 2,000 crumpus Cromby Crimpa Crimpa In the US Most celebrations of Crumpus Are also kind of like a drunken dress-up day

for adults, which ironically is actually more similar to the older type of American Christmas before the holiday became more focused on kids and presents for kids. Because apparently, according to Stephen Nissenbaum, who's the author of the Pulitzer Prize nominated book, The Battle for Christmas, apparently he says, for most people before the 1800s, Christmas was not a domestic quiet holiday. It was a holiday that was characterized by boisterous revelry. It was sort of like a combination of Halloween and New Year's Eve and Mardi Gras. Oh, I bet they fucking got it.

That's really great. Christmas sounds so fun back then. And then it became all about kids and presents. And salmon and salad. You fucked. Well, I mean, I love this too. No, that's right. Oh, I hope they will.

So that's bloody put a bloody bird in the oven. So at least they could do. Put a bird in the oven. Chuck out of bird at the other. Crumpses would. Right. So Christmas used to be this big crazy party. Christmas used to be good.

Christmas used to be fun. Well, these early celebrations often involved... Well, they did chase children through the streets. Well, less so. But these early celebrations involved costumed mummers who went... Who went from door to door demanding alcohol and threatened to make trouble if they didn't get it. And like kids today do a watered down version when they go trick or treating on Halloween.

Give us a drink or fuck up your house. Fuck a bridge. So yeah, now they... And water door as well. Yeah. It's like the ultimate pub crawl. How much... How much do you need?

You get three or four houses down. You're like, oh, probably need to lie down. Apparently they, like, they sort of, like, they're banging on the doors and they, the custom is that you ask for schnapps. Give us some shnaps. You're just drinking a lot of shnaps. Snaps. Any schnaps is probably too much schnapp.

Agreed. One time, I was just just doing shots at my friend's house of butterscotts schnops. Coxuck and Cowboys? No, not even. I think so, but something else. Bailey's. But this is just the schnapps because that's what we had. And did that night end well?

Would you describe it more of a Santa-style night or a Crumpsus style night? Probably a... I haven't said the words cock-sucking cowboys in a long time. That's a weird name. Yeah, when you said it, I also thought, I haven't heard that in a while. Yeah, it was crazy. Why is the real 18-year-old out-of-school shot to have? No, we were drinking sex on the beach at that time.

Oh, wow. Which is just like... Isn't that just vodka and cranberry juice? No, sorry, I'm thinking wet pussies. Wet pussy shots. Look, I've never heard... Disgusting. Yeah.

I've heard a wet pussy shot. I'm glad I put the word shot there. Glad I did. I've heard a wet pussy. No, I've had one. I'm going to have a shot. How do you drink shot? Are you shunning with a straw?

Are you sipping shots? Oh, that's a wet pussy. Shot. Anyway. the word shot. That is my report on Crumpus, basically. Oh, three cheers for Crumpus. For Crumpus.

Crampus, Crampus. What, you started cheering him. I mean, chanting him. Crumpses is a better name than Crumpus. Let's call him Crumpses. Crumps. How do you spell Crumpus? K-R-A-M-P-U-S.

It looks like crampus. Is it crampus? No, I looked it up and people were calling it Crumpus. Really? And what was this movie that we talked about? I'd never heard of them. It's called Crumpus. But who's in that?

Adam Scott and Tony Colette. What, the golfer? Yeah, the golfer, Adam Scott. He's film debut. And Tony Colette, the golfer. No, is Adam Scott an actor as well? Adam Scott from Parks and Recreation. Who's he playing in Parks and Recre?

Ben. Oh, I actually do know that they share the name. I've come across several. Yeah, he's great. I love Adam Scott. Tony Colette. You're seeing another stuff. I've only ever seen him in Parks and Rec.

What's that show about that? They were like a, they organized parties. Oh, shit. Yeah, I know that, I know exactly what you're talking about. Like, I can't remember the name now. Wedding crashes. Yeah, he's in wedding crashes.

The Huey's Kitchen Adventures. Anyway. I would love to see a photo of crampsus. Okay. I can arrange that for you. I reckon it'll be on this pod right now. And actually, I think we should also, we'll tweet out, I think, a few, the many faces of cramps. Yes.

Like the sexual one. A sexy crumbus. The one where he's like, you know, scary. The one where he's a bit of a cupid and everyone's like, oh, this is fun. Yeah, cool. Even though he's kidnapped several kids this week. We'll find some alternatives. Yeah, that's right.

I said that really weird. I'm sorry. Some alternatives. So, yeah, that's my report. That's my Christmas themed report. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. And to all a good, Chrismish. All right, guys. before we sign off on this Christmas edition of Do Go On, there's only one thing left to do, and that is to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of you, but specifically some names that we'll read of Patreon supporters. If you support our podcast through Patreon,

you can get some exclusive extras, including a brand new... Car! No, definitely not a car. We buy each of you a car. Carmen Nautics actually exist. What kind of car do you want will buy it for you? Anything.

The sky is the limit for a car. card. You can get free. You can get an extra episode. We'll do a shout-up for you. And the Christmas cards, if you did sign up, are on their way. They're in the mail as we speak. So hopefully they'll make it to you before Christmas, maybe.

But if you're overseas, we promise they're on their way. And next year, we might send them even earlier. Yes, it's a good idea. But they're great. They look great. They look really great. And you're going to love them anyway. Love my toe print.

Because Christmas, like the spirit of Christmas, and just like general goodwill is applicable all year round. So if it doesn't arrive until January, it's like, you're welcome. Do you know what I mean? In a lot of ways, it's good to stretch the beauty of Christmas out. Absolutely. And just like goodwill and like just positive thoughts for people. If I got a Christmas card two days after Christmas,

you'd set fire to it. I would set fire to eat and me and the house I was in. And the sender. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you'd invite them over so you could just do it all. one. Here, what have you got a new car two days after Christmas?

A new card. A new card. A second Christmas card. Anyway. We would like to wish a very merry Christmas to three Patreon supporters that we are going to think now. Matt? I'd love to thank if I can.

And I think I can. Please. I mean, in so many ways, you just asked me to. That was your introduction. So I'm going to do it. Here we go. Everyone ready? Oh, my God.

Hey, I'd really love to wish a very merry Christmas. Someone who's quite special to me. At Chrismish. At Kishmish. Man, Kishmish. Megan Ansel, I hope you get everything you ever wanted this Christmas. What do you think Megan wants? What's number one on the list?

Because you are the Santa of the podcast, you would know. World peace. World peace. I think that's more of a... What's his name? Crampsus. The Krampsis sort of thing. No, Megan...

Crapsis. He has amazing. He has made a new person. Megan Ansel's, uh, she, she'd love world peace, but she doesn't believe that it's possible in the short term. Sure. She's trying to be more realistic. Sure.

And she just wants, you know, peace in her immediate surrounds. Oh, that's nice. It's always like 15, 20 meters around her no fights. Oh, wow. That's lovely. Yeah. And that's what I'm going to give her. Oh, cool.

I just remembered I'm Santa. And that is all yours, Megan. What you're going to do is just build her like this, bubble. Yeah. So you're like a shield. You're giving her like one of those Zorb balls.

Oh, sick. That's cool. No, no, no, no. This is, this is, this is, you can't see it, you can't feel it. She's not Zorbing.

That's for sure. Did you just give her a voucher for Zorbing? I haven't given her a Zorb voucher. I'm giving her some sort of like an invisible force field. Well, I misunderstood what she did. I mean, she said when she wrote a letter in, she said, dear Santa,

I want to go Zorbing. I'm like, I think I know where you go with this. Santa just takes a few liberties. No, what you really mean there, mate. You've been very clear, and I will now misinterpret. Well, good luck, Zorbing, Megan. Yeah, good on you. Yeah, thanks so much, Megan.

You're a bloody goddamn, bloody motherfucking legend. You're bloody awesome. You're a Zorban legend. Merry Christmas. Kish. Kish. Kishmish. I would also really like to wish Merry Kishmish to somebody who, much like

Cher, Adele and Prince. Prince, thank you. Beyonce. Only needs one name. Pink. Britney Spears. Damn it. Brittany, hyphen Spears. Just one name. Just one name.

And I want to wish a really wonderful and prosperous Christmas and New Year to our dear friend Maxwell, Sheffield. Oh. Just Maxwell. Maxwell. Just Maxwell. Maxwell.

Maxwell's a good. great guy. I've spoken to him on the emails a couple times. And does he just go by Maxwell? He's Maxwell. I like it. He's only Maxwell to me. It's hard to, you really have to get in early if you're going to do that though. I think Maxwell. Like, I couldn't do, I couldn't just be Dave.

Oh, who did you see last night? Dave. Which one, mate? The movie, Dave? The movie, the 90s movie Dave. Somehow becomes president. Because he looks identical to Calvin. What's that maybe recently? I've never seen it despite being named after that film. I'm named after that movie.

It was made after you, champ. My parents saw the screenplay and thought it was going to be a big hit. Sure. No, before that movie came out, you were actually called Kevin. And then that movie came out, they're like, change his name. Change. He's now Dave. I am.

Kevin suits you, though. But thank you Maxwell. Yeah, thank you, Maxwell. And Mary Quish-Mish. Hey, before we go on to Dave's. I just, you know how we always mispronounce people's names? Yep. A little while ago, we were calling someone Piet.

Mm-hmm. I found out that it's Pete. But not through fault of ours. Yeah, it's through fault. Well, I mean, we mispronounce the name. Whose fault's that? I think it might have been misspelled. No, no, that's how it's spelt.

You can't spell Pete, P-I-E-T. You can, and she has. Her parents like the name. No, actually the story, is that her dad's favorite uncle's name was Pete and he decided he was calling her, the kid, Pete, boy or girl, turned out to be a girl. So they found a Pete that was, uh, oh, that's quite nice. And they found it was like a poet.

Look, I'm misremembering the story I read the other day, but it's a very good story. Well, my little nickname for Pete is actually Piet, so really, I was really quite a nice tribute to one of my favorite listeners. P-8, okay, Pete. Yeah, cool. Great. Love you, Pete. Saved it.

Saved it. So I saved that? Yep. Nailed it. Well, and, well, I'm going to extend the thank yous to a third one. Interesting. As we always do. Wow.

And wish a very Merry Christmas to a great listener, and I hope he's going to have himself a Merry Little Christmas. Let your heart be light. Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight. He's going to do this. So have yourself. Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Crishmish. And that is John Titus.

Thank you, John. John Titus. Didn't John give us a topic one week, I reckon? Yeah, I reckon he might have. I like John. I like John. I like the cutter John's jib. Me too.

Yeah, me too. Merry Chishmish. Merry Christmas, John. And to the whole Titus clan. I bet it's Titus, knowing us. I know it's Titus. And it's Jehon. Jihon Titus.

No, yeah, I'll luck Maxwell's the ex is silent. My well. Thank you, my well. What are you giving John for Christmas Day? What am I giving him? Herpes. Oh, Dave, no.

Dave, can your gift him be to not give him a present this time around? You filthy fella? I would be handling the postcards that were sending with gloves because Tinio could be contracted from my to print. Is it true?

No, that's not true at all. I've got immaculate feet. No, I'm going to be tweeting out photos to prove how nice they are. Don't you worry. John Titus is with me. You're with you, John? So defensive. No.

Yeah. I've got immaculate feet. If any part of my body could be a model, it's my feet. Wow. I could be a foot model. Wow. I could be a foot model. My hand is that a thing?

Is any, if anyone out there knows. What could I be? What is? Or is some sort of foot model manager for the stars. Please get in contact. Maybe it's you, John Titus. Maybe ears. Maybe I could be an ear model.

I mean, I've got headphones on right now. You can't see them. No, I'm not in a way. I mean, models, full body models, they wear clothes. That's how they sell in the clothes, right? So if you're an ear model, you're probably... Earrings. And I have my ears pierced.

Or massive headphones. But I mean, you could have no ears under there. I'd be none the wiser. You've seen me before I've got ears. I thought those headphones. Have I? Have I seen your ears? I do always have my hair out.

You don't know. Maybe it's like a bird and there's just like a whole flap there. Oh, a whole flap. A whole flap, not part of a flap. Like a butterfly and I taste with my feet. And that tastes good. It tastes good. Oh my God.

This has been, I feel like I'll say this every week, but this has been a weird episode. Yeah, it's been a really lovely. loose and I'm sorry. But guys, a bit of all seriousness, I think we should sign off by saying we wish you all a very happy holiday period.

Merry Christmas, wherever you are. Thank you so much for listening for another year. But book, we will have another one in for the year because it comes out on the Wednesday.

So yeah, this is the second last episode of the year. That's crazy. That's crazy. And it's a little, a little favor to me because I'm going to be

eating my Christmas shitty salmon, my shitty salad. If you could tweet us a photo of yourself on Christmas with your food or your presents, whatever. Oh, yes.

That would be really cool wherever you are in the world. And actually, you better tweet your shitty salmon too. I will. Especially there's peas and gravy people out there. I want to get to, I want to, I just want us to all get together as a community of pee and gravy guys. Yep. And gals.

Guys and gals. Don't think I'm ruling anyone out based on some sort of old school gender line. I'm not. I want to see. want to see your Christmas lunch. Yeah, what have you got? I want to say it. Or dinner or brunch.

Whatever you do with your fan? Breakfast? I don't know. All right. We do like dinner on Christmas Eve, just with my immediate family, and then I go to my grandmas for Christmas Day. All right, okay.

I think they've had enough. Just going to tweet pictures of me holding, like, various champagne glasses. Jess gets drunk throughout the day. Oh. Yeah. So as a tradition, is this? Nah, but I'm going to start one.

Nice one. Well, from all of us here at Dugo on and Crancy. himself. We would just like to say... Spend an hour talking about it. Merry... I can go his fucking life.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Bye. Bye. Merry Christmas. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there.

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