Do Go On - 62 - The Wives of King Henry VIII

Episode Date: December 28, 2016

Dave reports on the many marriages of King Henry VIII, a man so determined to have a son that he literally changes his whole country's religion to allow him to remarry. Some wives will be divorced and shunned; others will not be as lucky and lose their heads. So does he ever get a son? And if not, it's not like his daughters could ever become Queen... or could they? Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we've got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. And welcome to do go on. My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm here with The Lovely Jess Perkins and Matt Stewart. Hello Lovelies. The lovely was mostly for me.

No, I thought that at first, but then he said hello Lovelies. I know, that really cleared it up. But otherwise, I was definitely going to go for that and be like, no, I'm lovely. Matt's dumb. I reckon in Dave said he realized that. He realized his error. That's why I'm one of the best. He fixed it.

That's how fast he works. Yeah, yeah. He's quick. He doesn't, he makes a mistake and fixes it mid-word. Yeah. He doesn't even wait for the sentence to be at. I edit. I edit. He's always editing.

He's always editing. I've heard him change words. Like, he'll be like, what a funny, delicious chicken roll I'm eating. Yeah. Yeah. And like, I mean, bad example, but he does it well.

Well, look, that was me trying to do him. Yeah. And you can't. You can't do him because he's got such a small tush. Can you imitate the best? God, no. We'd never want to. Did nothing.

He's got the golden tonsils and he's got the twinkle toes. He's quick. He's quick on his feet. Our little baby boy. Thank you. My beautiful soft feet. Yes, very soft feet. Do you see the photo I tweeted out of my toe?

Yes. From stamping Christmas cards for our Patreon listeners. It was still blue. Yeah. I did see that. 36 hours afterwards. I had washed my feet, but did you appreciate us? Someone tweeted in.

It's like a baby's foot. Yeah. I thought, no, no. It's like a baby's bottom. Okay. Bottom of their foot. See? See, you thought I had put a full stop there, but it was actually a comma in hindsight.

Wow. He's so good. Hindsight comma. Not many can pull those off. No. I know I can't. You got the Oxford comma, the hindsight comma. I know I'm all.

I do know them all. Name another one. Just the two. Standard comma. Well, that one was right there to be taken, wasn't it? How does standard differ from Oxford? Oxford's the one after the and, I think. Is that an Oxford comma?

Oxford comma, I think it's where it's not fully required because the and is doing that same job. I believe it is, so you have three words. You're making a list. And the one after, the one that becomes before and. So Matt, Jess and Dave, and Oxford comma is Matt, comma, Jess, comma, and Dave.

Wait, what did I say? Did I say it the wrong way around? Oh my gosh. I said it was after the end. I hate this conversation. Before the end. Yes, not after the end. I want it to end.

Sorry, everybody. Sorry, Oxford, if you're listening. We're just a comedy podcast. Which is why I prefer the hindsight comma. Yeah. Good call. Good call. Interesting.

Okay, well now we've got that out of the way. It's just been Christmas. Did we have a great Christmas? Have the best Christmas ever. Best one ever. I ate the peas just as promised and they were real good. Real good peas? Yeah.

Did you get the gravy on the peas? Was the ratio was fine? No, yeah. Swimming in gravy. Yeah. that's how I make gravy Lots of big Big amounts

You don't do anything by half No I double I do a double I double in doubling gravy Servings Regret on his face Did you have any great presents that you received Well I did get some lovely presents

But I had a great time giving presents this year So in my family For the first time For the first time Normally, real chore, big chore. You're maturing. In my family, we make it a bit of a game, so just my immediate family,

like my parents and my brother and his wife. I'm really excited to hear what the game is. Well, Christmas Eve is like our time that we have dinner and we open presents and stuff, but our parents especially don't want us to spend a lot of money. So we've done it in different ways in the past. What we're doing at the moment is you can only spend 20 bucks on each person. So you're not getting, like, huge presents.

We tend to just buy, like, funny, little things. My mum's good. She'll buy useful things, whereas my brother and I, especially for each other, would just go for like bullshit gifts. Oh, what kind of things? Last year I gave him a scooter, like a children's scooter that had the Avengers on it. I wanted to get him one that had frozen, all the Frozen characters on it, but they were

sold out. So he had to have the Avengers. It was like for, I think the weight limit was 50 kilos. Oh, and your brother famously weighs 49. So he's fine. He's a very small. It's more than me. Why, what are you, you're 50? Low 50s.

Low 50s. He fluctuates. You couldn't even write it, Dave. No, no, my comedy weight is 52, but I may have put on a couple of kilos since. I might be 54 now, but I'm sticking by the comedy weight. 52 sounds funny, doesn't it? It does. And you've got a line about weighing the same as Paris Hilton or something?

No, I don't have a line, but I had that game in my fact-y-fact quiz show called Dave's weight game. We just guess if people are the same heavier or lighter than I'm. I am. I'm like, a thousand DVDs, lighter. You're lighter than thousand DVDs.

Paris Hilton? Yeah. Same as me. Same. That's right. So that's what you were thinking, man. Gwen Stefani,

same. Wow. Hey, good for you. Danny DeVito. More. More, even though he's like a foot shorter than I am. Yeah, but come on.

He's a foot wider too. He actually is. He's actually a one square foot. He's a foot high and a foot wide. Wow. Good for him. And he's made of solid gold. What?

He's, worth millions. It's amazing. It is amazing. The first Emmy was actually cast from him. It's one of his limbs. Shaped. There you go.

It's not a limb shape. It's shaped it into the whatever statue of the Emmy looks like. Which one is the Emmy? Is that the one with the globe? No. Is that the Golden Globe? Yeah. I think Emmy's the, isn't it?

That's the Atom one, isn't it? No, you're thinking of the Logies. It's just a person. It's where it looks like Gumby. Logis do look like Gumby. Gumby's been walked into a vat of hot gold. Hot gold. Hot gold.

Just like what we do in here. Yep. And then it melted and dried on him. No. It is going to be hot today, but it's not too hot in the studio yet. We're doing well, I think. It's a hot, it's been a hot Christmas. Yeah, the Emmys depicts a winged woman holding an atom.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's one I was thinking about the globe. That's very devido. Sort of like a globe. It actually says here that Danny DeVito's, it was his right leg. Oh, there you go. That he cast asunder. Cool.

there you go, a bit of trivia. It's weird to have a right leg as a cube. Oh. Well, that's Davido. Dave, I don't mean anything by it. I'm a bit offended for Dannings for half. I didn't mean anything bought. I was just...

I actually protect his estate. Really? I'm a lawyer and he's dead. Well, neither of those things are right. Yeah, well, my report is going to be alive today. Oh, great. Oh, yeah, we're doing a report. Did you have anything else to say about your brother's prez?

Oh, just that this year I bought him a helicopter hat. So we're doing real well. What does that mean? It just goes, wee, we, we know, those, like,

colorful hats that, like, especially cartoon characters wearing, and has a little propeller on top. I think I had one as a child. Yeah, bought him back. They had a picture of Dino

from the Flintstone thing. And I said D, because my name starts with it. D. So is just Danny DeVito, but the comparisons do end there. My brother's name does not, so that's disappointing.

But this, this hat didn't have a letter on it. I'm sure the gift was well receipt. Was that within the $20 budget? Yes. How much changed? Under. So I had to buy my second present as well.

You have to get exactly $20. Oh, I like to. Whatever you have 10 cents left out of? One year we had to show receipts, so that was real fun. That does not sound fun. No, I don't know, because it was like the... Because that time we could only spend $10. You could go into one shop and you had $50 to spend

and you had to get a present for each person. There were five people. The same shop. Same shop. You had to go into one shop, spend 50 bucks. You're done. Where would you go? It was real fun.

I'd go to J.B. H. Oh, interesting. Oh, so you can pick the shops. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what are you going to get for 10 bucks? Bargand bins and DVDs. Yeah, good one. Good one. Or I'd go to a, like, a big alcohol shop.

Oh, yeah. Get like a nice beer. You know, you can get quite a nice single beer for 10 bucks. Yeah, true. Like an exotic one, yeah. And you can get a pretty shit wine for that price as well. So what do you like? Good beer's your mind?

Or maybe a Bacardi breather. I think you can get an okay wine for that much, maybe. Hmm. Probably. Drinkable. Drinkable. It's not going to be the best. I mean, in the end, isn't that all you want?

Yeah. I can't tell the difference. drinks up a drinker. I know, what else do you want to do with your liquids? My housemate sometimes, because she works in a very fancy restaurant, and sometimes if they have, like, if customers have bought a bottle of wine and haven't finished it, they can't really do much with it, so Debb will bring it home. And sometimes there's some very nice wine in my fridge, and I had a reesling last night.

I was like, yeah, this is nice, but I don't know if I, I don't know if it was fancy. I don't think I could tell the difference between that and a cheap one. Wow. Are you stealing this wine? No. And how about, uh... That's fine. Well, and when you were talking about the Christmas Or

order to game that you had or you have to show the receipts. That was just one time. We don't have to know that now. That sounds crazy. Because it was just because my... Hold on. Was that to prove that you'd spent a lot or that you got under? That you'd made the $50.

That was just that year. We haven't done that this. We haven't done that since. That was just one time. A wacky world of Jess Perkins. It's a wacky world. The Perkins family. Imagine visiting that world for a day or two.

It's a lonely place. It's weird inside my head, but that's okay. Is it? Yeah. It's like a desert. It's vast and empty. I feel like I'd go in there and just be like, yeah. Feels nice.

It's nice to be in here for a bit. That's nice. What do you picture my brain is like? Like rainbows? Aw. Sunshine. Yeah. That's nice.

Beanbags. Beanbags. I want it to be comfy. Oh, you can kick back in there for sure. Beanbags. I've just recently discovered that they are a horrible fire hazard. Yeah, they go up like, crap. crazy.

I've had it first hand. Little balls. Oh no, did you set one on fire? Well, I was testing all the furniture in my house. You got to. You got to. You got to. For safety, Matt?

Yeah, yeah, you do. You have to, if that's what you're asking. Have you set all your furniture on fire? Oh, yeah, because I have to. Yeah. That's part of the rules. Safety. Safety first.

Safety first. It's annoying because every time you get a new beanbag, you have to test it. I haven't had a beanbag that's lasted more than a day. Yeah. I've been getting, I've had 300 odd this year already. Yeah. Wow. 360.

Odd. Ish. Yep. Yeah. There we go. Hey, I was just thinking, you know how sometimes every episode will have new listeners, right? What a weird place to start for them, the first few minutes of us just talking absolute garbage.

They saw this topic and I thought, I want to hear about that. And then I talked about Danny Davido's right leg. Well, last week somebody did tweet to us 20 minutes in and David might have only just learnt the topic. So we should probably just get to the topic. All right. Let's get to the topic, guys. this is a very important announcement.

Oh, no. To thank, before I get to the question, I will actually thank who has sent this in. Okay. Because I'm finally picking a topic that Christian Smith has sent us on email. Christian? Oh, he sent in quite a few. Quite a few topics, including,

and this topic in particular, he sent in about 10 others. The subject was, Bring Me the Head of Dave Warnocky. Oh, I remember that email. At the time, he thought the week before, when I announced, oh, I've picked someone, someone from the hat he assumed I'd picked his topic and then when I had it he was very upset

and he wanted to murder me I love that assumption it's got to be me must be me there's a lot of topics in the hat there's hundreds in there I think he's probably being a little bit facetious but Christian I think Christian probably has a pretty good sense of humour

I choose to read Christian's word very literally word for word yeah word for word for word I was actually scared from my life he can't remember when he came in it was quiverin he was shaking that's true yeah and even at the time I said I think he might be having a bit of a joke

but we still got the restraining order just to be safe. Yeah, Justin, even though this man lives in Scotland. But you've got to be careful. Got to be careful. Christian, I'll admit it. I was very glad when you wrote back and said, I live in Scotland. I thought, I'm safe. I'm safe.

They're in Glasgow, aren't they? I believe. They are. I hope that that is true. Glasgow, famously rough city. Yeah, that's right. The Glasgow kiss. The Glasgow kiss.

It's a head butt. It's a fucking fantastic. So, Christian, this one's for you. Hopefully, you'll also be wondering what topic I'm picking because you've submitted at about 30. No, I won't be wondering. It'll be in the title. It's in the title of the show. Don't look at the title, Christian.

Okay, tell him that Tim it's in. Christian, jump in the time machine. Danny DeVito's left leg. Back you go. Why is Danny DeVito's leg in there? How do you think they make time machines, Matt? Oh, come on. Jesus.

Leave it to the scientists, all right? Get up. I thought you're a lawyer. Look, I've been to uni, my whole life. Wow. Oh, all right. Check that. Thank you.

So which of Christians' topics are we doing? Your question. My question is, who has been married more times than Kim Kardashian, but less times than Elizabeth Taylor? Probably quite a few people. Who's the... Kim Kardashian's been married twice? Three times. Really?

Kim Kardashian. Kanye West. Chris Humphreys. And then who was the other guy? A basketball? Is it Ray. The one, no, that's Chris Sanfrey. Is it Ray J the one that she made the porn movie?

You can call me Ray. Oh, you can call me Jay. I don't know. The Simpsons. Is that a real thing? I don't know. Is it the Simpsons is a real thing? And Elizabeth Taylor, how many times she'd been married?

She had eight marriages. You're always nearly there, but not quite. But I feel like that's just Matt, isn't it? You're always one up. Almost. I'm okay. It's everything. No good at anything.

You're a jack of all trades, master of nine. Just look this up because I know that our demographic is really into Kim Kardashian, so I don't want them screaming at the podcast. We've got Kim Kardashian did make the sex tape with boyfriend Ray J. Yeah, I didn't think she's married. But she was married to Damon Thomas for four years. Probably just Damon. Thomas.

She's like 35. That's a lot of marriages early on. You can fit them in if you, like if you wanted to. Matt, if you wanted to, you could have been married four times by now. What? Easily. Easily. You kidding me?

I mean, yeah, if I accepted all those proposals. Exactly. At least Kim says yes to opportunities. You're going to open yourself up. I'm a no man. I'm a no man. Keep blocking myself out. Yeah, open up, Matt.

All right, Jess. I will from now on accept all proposals of marriage that are forwarded to me. Excellent. Please tweet at Matt, Sue underscore art. You're going to have a few weddings by the time you're 35 champ. All right, great. I want to break Kim's record. So, more than Kim,

less than the other person. How many times was that old king married? That's what I was thinking was the king, but which one was it? Henry the 8th? Henry the 8th? Henry the 8th? I cannot believe you got the topic from that. Yeah, because he was married heaps.

Do you guys know how many times? It's between 3 and 8? I reckon it was like 6 or 7. Are you going with 6 or 7? No, because were you just saying 7 because I said 6 and you wanted to have a point of difference? Because I think we could stand together united on 6 if you want. Okay.

Or 5. Just reading Dave, I think it's seven. I say six. So six from Jess. Matt, you're locking in? No, I'm going to stand with Jess and doubt my reading ability of your face. Yeah, now I'm thinking maybe it's five. But let's just say six.

It's six or seven, I reckon. Six. Six. It's going to be five. It's six. Yay! I can't read him like I thought I could. Everyone gets a point, especially Christian.

Yeah. Oh, that was so, we sounded so unenthusiastic. Yay! Well, I mean, why we think so for Christian to get a point. Because Christian deserves it. I don't cheer when the opposition get a point. Now we're all on equal points. No, I'm a bad sport.

No, I'm a good competitor. Interesting. Oh, that's a good way of looking at it. I'm a good way of looking at it. I'm a good spinner. I can spin anything. Give me a thing, I'll spin it. That bottle.

Oh, genuinely fucked it. Oh, hey, okay. A bit of a spin. Off the table, but that's okay. So I'm going to do the six wives of King Henry the 8th. You're going to do them? Jesus, Dave. One at a time.

They'd be rotting corpses by now. They've been long time dead. They've all been dead for 500 years. Yucky. I reckon they've probably even got through their rotting period. Yeah, they're just... What are you going to do? Fuck their tailbone.

Is that how you do it? Also, Dave, like, yuck. Come on, mate. That just, you could just talk about them in your report. You don't have to go do them. Well, Dave, honestly. I'm a mad of my word. I'm going to do it.

Dave, it's not too late. It's all time to reconsider. I think it is. I think it is. I've already done two of them. What do you call it when you fuck dead people? Necrophilia. Necrophilia.

Yeah, seriously. That came to my word, waiting. I should have just paused and pretended I didn't know. I don't know. I've never heard that before. It's one of the N, I think it starts with N. I don't know. Does it change once they become skeletons?

They're basically a pile of bones. Boneofield. Although, doing him would be like doing a pile of bones anyway. Hey, stay out of my. Jess, why are you in his tush? How did that happen? Hands where I can see them, please, Ms. Perkins. Speaking of bones,

Jess has got some sore ones. Yeah. Should we do a Jess help up there, a bock? We can just do it. I'll just do a quick one. All right, and then we'll get into the report. Christian, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

No, I think Christian would care. He does. I've had this cough for like six weeks now. Doctors think it's actually asthma as opposed to, it's a little bit. Fake asthma. No, but like I was like, I don't really have asthma, but it's just got a bit of a cough thing. It's an allergy thing. Now they're like, no, we think you actually legitimately have developed asthma now.

So that's fun. And also because I've been coughing so much, I may have cracked a rib. So I'm in quite a lot of pain. No good at all. So laughing. Happy New Year. Yeah, it's going to be such a good, such a good year. It's a great start.

I can't wait. I can't wait to hang out with my friends. Big drunken hugs. Oh, no, no good. Anyway, so that's that health update. We're glad you're alive. Well, for now. But we don't know.

For now, we're glad you're alive. Yeah. Once I start coughing, it's like, ugh. Yeah. The gladness is draining from my body. It's a bit like you've ever seen the film of the beach? Yes. Where the guy gets attacked by a shark and eventually they're like,

they get sick of him groaning so they just leave him in the forest. I don't remember that at all. Actually, I was thinking of beaches. You're like, just similar idea. One bit, Middlewood. Through that woman that got attacked by a shark into the forest and said, shut the fuck up. Under the board wall.

Shut up. Really? They just got sick of him whinging. Just stop. Like, mate, we came here for paradise and you're bloody talking about are your legs bleeding? Fucking out. And they just leave in there. Yeah, pretty sure.

Hey, let's see this report. You've got such long reports. I know. Yeah, sorry. 3,600 words. Oh, boy. All right. I don't know what that means.

Gold. Well, he's normally at least 4,000. Yeah, that's true. I'm within, vague. Mine, I sit around the 2,000 mark. And then I have room for Riffin. You've got to have the Riffin. I'm within 10% of my target, so.

I'm happy with that. The word limit. Remember at uni, you had to be within 10% either way. I do remember. I've done all the degrees, remember. Of course, yeah. Born on the 28th of June, 1491 at the Palace of Placentia. What year was that, sorry, Dave?

1491. A good year. A good year. I'd only mention that because I wanted to say Placentia. The placenta palace. Wait, speaking in good year. Just talking about getting on track.

Speaking of good year, Akron, Ohio, pronounced Orchron, apparently in America or something weirder like that, is tires, remember I'm saying about tires? It's because it's the home of good year tires. There we go.

The home. The home of it. That's where they're from. Wow. And also, Oh, was it the other big tire brand? Oh, for fuck sake. I think it was good year.

What's the other big tire brand? Pirelli, that's like Italian. No, not Pirelli. There's another other one. I reckon it was good year. There's another other one. Bo repairs? Bo repairs.

Yeah, Bo repairs. Kmart tire and order. I'm a Kmart tire and order. In Akron or Erkron. It had a W in when they... They had a W. When they, they spelled it phonetically for me, and it put a W in...

Orkron? Maybe. Maybe. Are they taking the piss? I thought it's also the home of the Black Keys. Great. And Ohio also. Anyway, there's a lot of good stuff in Ohio.

Can't wait to visit. Great. We're saving up her pennies, Ohio. Born in 1491 at the Palace of Placentia. In Greenwich, London, Henry Tudor, was the third child and the second son of King Henry the 7th and his wife, Elizabeth of York. Lots of Elizabeths. A lot of Elizabeths.

That's right. Hmm. Of the young Henry six siblings, only three survived infancy. So himself, his brother, Arthur, Prince of Wales. Lots of Arthur's too. Margaret and Mary. Okay, I was going to try and guess, but yeah, they would have been up there. They're very royal names.

They are. Just for historical context, just before this was the War of the Roses. Ah, yes, of course. So Henry the 7th, who is King Henry VIII's father, he won the throne when his forces defeated King Richard III. Another famous king. At the Battle of Bosworth Field, which is the culmination of the war, so the War of the Rosebin, going for a long time,

and whoever won the battle became king. Henry the 7th was the last king of England to win his throne on the field of battle. The next ones won it in the field of hockey. Dreams. The field's dreams. La la la la, la, I am king. La, la, la, la, la, dreamy dreams. He was the first of the Tudor Kings, which is the new dynasty welcomed in after the end of the war.

So he's the Henry the 7th, this is. Young Henry, though, Henry Tudor was given a first-rate education from leading tutors. He became fluent in Latin and French as well as English. Hello. But that's about all we know about young Henry because he was never meant to become king. His older brother, Arthur, was expected to grow up and become king, and Henry was just sort of their backup plan. But he never grew up. He stayed too.

young forever. Peter Pan style. He's two years old, his whole life. Wow. That is weird. And they said not fit to rule. At two? Oh, come on. I thought it was rough.

He made some good decisions. Yeah. I want to go potty? Great call. Yes, sir. Good call. Great decision. Whatever you say, Mr. King, sir. And as soon as he went in there, he did a shit.

So, I mean... Not going to do that on the floor, are you? Yeah. Well, if you're a King, you can. True. Yeah, Henry was known for it. Yeah, King must be great. You can just shit anywhere.

What other perks are there to be a king? That's mainly it though. Just shitting anywhere. No, no, no. You can also piss anywhere. Hello. Really? Wow.

After the hours of 7pm. Okay. Until? There's a few stipulate. I mean... 3 a.m.? Until 7pm the next day. It's actually...

No, I think that works out to be all any time you like. It's a real weird loophole. It's a technicality, really. Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah. They've got to put something on the sign. Can I piss here? Oh, hang on. Wait, check the time.

Yes, you may. It is before 7pm and after 7pm yesterday. Very good, sir, as you were. But at 7pm, no, no, no. No, no, no. That one second today. One minute. Once it's 701.

Oh, the whole minute. Yeah, yeah. Oh, but I'm busting. Well, you could have gone a minute ago, or you can wait a minute. 45 on the clock. Or go to the toilet. What are we talking about? Henry the 7th gave the young Henry.

Henry chewed a few tasks because he wasn't supposed to be the king. young Henry was strictly supervised and did not appear in public. And as a result, the young Henry, as I keep calling you, because it's confusing, there's too many Henrys, would later ascend the throne, quote, untrained in the art of kingship. Kingship. So, you know, like, sort of like, I imagine it's stuff like foreign affairs and they tell you about all that kind of stuff. Like when you get, when you're briefed to be the president and that kind of thing. I think that they just didn't, they're like, you don't need to know this.

Is there presidential training? Yeah, they have the reports and stuff. Which apparently Donald Trump is like, I'll read it once a week rather than get it every day like every other president does. Oh, it's amazing. But I like, you know when you start in your job and you usually have like maybe a week or so of training? Do they have that for, is it like a nice crossover period for kings?

No, because they usually come because somebody died. I think, yeah, but I think the king will, I think they, they know who's next in line. So they're sort of being groomed for it their whole life. But not in this case. But not in the, like in a, you're talking about America. American presidents and stuff like that. But I think they have a little, like, Obama had a meeting with Trump to me.

Those photos of Trump. I'd be so good if Obama's the one that's like just showing him where they're like tea and coffee is. Yeah. Yeah, you can use that. You can make 3 a.m. anytime. Anytime. Oh my God. Yeah.

Toilets are just down the hallway there to the left. Personally, sometimes though, I like to go to the ones on the next level up. Bigger bears. Meant to be for women only, but I'm a fucking president. I do what I want. But, anyway. Presidents are allowed to pee wherever they want. But not poo.

Not poo, yes. Of course. Don't patronise our listeners. All right. Enough poo. King Henry, well, Henry Tudor, when he grew up, he was a big man, six feet tall and reportedly very handsome. Oh. He enjoyed hunting and playing sport as well as jousting.

He was also an intellectual. He read and wrote English, French and Latin. He wrote poetry. He also played multiple. multiple instruments. Hello. So he is. What a babe.

He's good at everything. What a babe fest. He's just not trained to be king. Is he single? He's hot. At this stage. Hello. He's single.

This is Henry. Henry Tudor. Yes. Man, the photos of him are not attractive. No, but he's young. That is because he lets being able to do anything get the better of him. Oh, no. But wasn't there also a thing back then that, or is this a myth that it's a sign of wealth to be big and fat?

Because I can afford a lot of food. I don't think it was a sign of wealth to look as fat as he became. Towards the end, he's sort of like bedridden practically because he's so... I'm wealthy. But at this stage... We'll be out and want to show everyone. Oh, we're so jealous of that morbidly obese. Oh, you're going to have to amputate both his legs, but oh, I'm so jealous.

But at this stage, he's tall... Oh, yeah, so he's young. Instruments, speaks many languages, reads, sporty. Oh, man. Do you reckon he's got a sense of humour? He's fucking rich. Yeah, I think he does. Then, I mean...

He's reportedly very popular. He's seen as like a... Ooh, who's this cool prince? And he's also, that would sort of indicate them that he's got social skills and... Oh, man. You're talking like Jess's dream man right now. It does sound like a dream, but...

Well, I mean, he sounds like everyone's dream man, Jess. Matt, let me have this. Oh, you want him? Yeah. He's all yours. Thank you. Now, when... Merry Christmas.

It's never too late. You hate... You hate... You hate after Christmas. This is an early gift or late gift. Christmas is dead for you. This can be a new year's gift. I've gotten over it now.

I'm already looking forward to Christmas 2017. Start tweeting in those type of ideas. When he was just 15, Henry's older brother, Prince Arthur, married Catherine of Aragon, who was also just 15. She was the youngest surviving child of King Ferdinand II of Aragon in Spain, and Queen Isabella I of Castile, also in Spain. different regions at the time on the country.

They were with very powerful people and it was a good move to marry the English prince into their family, so get a bit of a connection between the kingdoms. All was going well until just 20 weeks later

Prince Arthur died of sweating sickness. What? Sweating sickness. Sickness was a mysterious and highly contagious disease that struck England in later continental Europe in a series of epidemics

beginning in 1485. The last, Last outbreak occurred in 1551, after which the disease apparently vanished. You could have thought of a better name than sweating sickness. Apparently you got really, really sweaty. Like crazy sweating. Oh, you don't say. And unlike being fat, sweating was not a sign of wealth, even then.

Interesting, okay. I'm sweaty. Wheel me out, I want to show everyone in my sweat. Look at me, glisten. I'm basting in my own sweat. It's just like a fever, I guess. A fever. I'm not saying just a fever, but I'm thinking of what would call it.

cause the sweating. Anyway. They haven't figured it out. No, they think that maybe it had to do with just sanitation at the time because it was pretty gross on the streets. Yark. Why is Arthur getting it in that?

He's a bloody next in line. I think it's because it's so contagious so they just pass it around and he gets it. Anyway, young Henry Tudor just 10 at the time suddenly had all of the royal duties and expectations thrust upon him because the brother that was going to be the king

at 15 who's just been married has died. Married at 15. Henry the 7th, so the father of both boys... That's how you get so many wives in, Matt. You'll start early. But it's not too late for you. Well, how early do you reckon you can start?

Well, now... Do you think now? Well, because... No, I meant like these days, 18-ish. What about then? Legally. Then, well, 15, obviously. Was Arthur maybe a bit of a late bloomer? Well... He waited for the one.

You could say that he was a bit of a late-lum. Blumor because both their father, Henry the 7th, wanted to shore up the alliance between him and the Spanish kingdom, so he offered young Henry, the 10-year-old, to marry his older brother's widow, Catherine of Aragon. Yuck! Her parents were keen, of course, and in 1503, a treaty was signed for their marriage, and they were betrothed two days later. But because he was only 11 by this time, they couldn't live together. Okay. Which, you know, like, that might be a better solution to marriage.

You know? I'd happily be married to someone they lived elsewhere. Yeah, I think that's a nice... Yeah, great. Got my own space. Oh, that's great.

Do my own thing. You're 11. I'm 11 years. You got time to play Pokemon. Oh, I love it. Love Pokemon. I had it on the Game Boy. I had Pokemon red.

Oh, I had blue. Nice. Did you ever, like, connect your Game Boy to somebody else's Game Boy? Battle them. Yeah. Or they'd give you all their really good Pokemon. I had that.

You trade them back. Yeah. So good. Have you heard of Pokemon? Have you heard of that? I don't think you would have. It's short for pocet-it-mone. Dave, do go on.

Pocket monsters. Pocket monsters. Pocket monsters. That's what I was going to say. And then my brain exploded. As it often does. When he turned 14, this is Henry, the young one. He rejected the marriage.

What? But Catherine of Aragon stayed in England, which is lucky because when Henry the 7th died in 1509, Henry became King Henry the 8th, and he decided, Oh, I will marry you. So we marry Catherine and Farragone properly. Oh, wow, okay.

And how old is he now? So he is 18. And he's a king. Yes, because the new king, Henry the 8th, maintained that it was his father's dying wish that he should marry Catherine. So he was like, all right, I'll have a go. I'll do it. I'll do it.

Sounds like love. That's romantic. Catherine's so lucky. She's so lucky. So she's five years old. So she's 23, he's 18. He's popular. He's the king.

Everyone's like, this is going to be great. Got an older woman. Great. He's probably driving. She can drink in America. Yeah. The best. She's going to pick up some Budweiser and bring it back.

Yeah. To the kegah. We're going to have a kegher at the castle. We're going to play Pong. Mm-hmm. Beer Pong. See, America, we can know you so well. Your wife can be your legal guardian.

That's great. Oh, how is it? She can accompany you to. Teach him to drive. Oh, that's good. Drive a horse. Yeah. Teach him to drive a horse.

Put the L-plate on the back of the horse. You know how it works. Yeah. Two days after Henry's coronation, he was 18. He arrested his father's two most unpopular ministers, Sir Richard Empson and Edmund Dudley. They were charged with high treason and were executed shortly thereafter. This was the first time Henry executed someone, but it would certainly not be the last.

Oh, great. He has not mucked around. So he's like, oh, I'm king, yay. You two. You can fuck off. No, no. Why did he get rid of them? Treason, but like, what did he?

Answer your own question there. Yeah, I did a bit. Well, I was listening, but I mean, like, How did he know they were being treasony? Well, it just says that they were very, they were unpopular with the other people. Most of the time, there's a few people here that I'm going to say were charged with treason. A lot of the time, they didn't do that. He just wanted them to go away.

Great. So it's just the first time he did this. He was high on power. Oh, yeah. And ketamine. And ketamine. The big K. A horse tranquilizer that he'd taken from the horses.

Yeah. After he learned how to drive them. Crazy. To learn to drive a horse, you've got to think like a horse and take a horse drug. It's your final test, Henry. I'll chuck it up my bum. He went in, yeah, after they had successfully passed the test, him and the other horses. He fell in with a bad horse crab.

Oh, no. Then he chopped a couple of people's heads off. As you do. Soon after they were married, Catherine conceived, but the child was still born. Four months later, she was pregnant again, and gave birth to a boy. They called it. Greg?

Henry. Oh, Henry. Damn it. Damn it. It was Greg. They were... You heard of Prince Greg? Yeah. They were very happy

because Henry VIII especially wanted a male heir because at the time the males, you know, even you have 10 daughters and you have your 11th child as the son.

When the king dies, the son jumps the list. So that's where he wants to make sure that someone's going to replace him because like his brother, he could die at any time. Yeah. That's changed now, hasn't it?

Now it's just first boy. Yes, yeah, they changed it only with Princess Charlotte. Yeah. Cool. They were very, very happy as King Henry the 8th, as I said, wanted a male heir, and he celebrated by holding a jousting tournament, as one does. It's a boy. It's a boy.

Let me stab someone with a long stick. Sure. Cool. However, the celebrations were short-lived as the child died just seven weeks later. Oh. The tragedy continued there. Because the next two years, Catherine, had two more stillborn children before having a daughter, Mary, in 15, 16.

What a slap in the face. A girl. Yuck. Imagine. Imagine not only having a girl, but being a girl. I've tried, and I threw up. I threw up. In my mouth.

It's no good. In my mouth, but I swallowed it because I'm a man. Right. Henry was still without a son. He's got Mary, but she's not a son. He's checked twice. Nothing grew. Although...

I should say, although he wouldn't know that Mary would go on to become queen and his nickname in history as Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary. That's where the drink came from. Ironic because their favourite drink was a pinacolada.

You wrote that? And you enjoyed it when he wrote it, didn't you? Yes, I did. Matt didn't enjoy that joke. You don't like pinacolada? No, yeah, very nice. No, actually, I don't. We had one in Meredith and it was no good.

No, it was fine for the first... Anyway. I had Bloody Mary's in Meredith. And at first I was like, and then they grow on you. Tomato juice is gross. It's so weird. But...

She's called Bloody Mary because of her habit of burning Protestants. Cool. So... Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She grew up to be extremely brutal. Great. I'd call her Bernie Mary.

Yeah. Burning Mary. Firing Mary. Steaky Mary? Steakie Mary. Steakie Mary. Oh, a steak named after her. That'd be good.

That'd be good. Henry and Catherine's relationship, Mary's parents, was very good by most accounts, but he had some affairs. Of course he did. The most famous and one of the 100% confirmed ones was with a lady called Elizabeth Blount. Blount. Blount. That's an ugly name, Dave. That's an ugly name.

Blount. Blount. Blount. Blount. Blount. Blount. Yuck. Elizabeth.

Blount. Yes, I'm here. Stop saying it out. Blount. Blount. Oh, imagine hearing that on the roll every morning. Blount. Yuck.

Blount. What would you call it? Blountie. Liz, probably, to be honest. Elizabeth, probably back then. It probably weren't big on nicknames. Blount. Yuck.

Blount. Sorry, I mean, sorry if anybody's listening. Any blounts out there. Any blounts, but I mean, you've got to, no, you've got an unfortunate name. I'm confident that blounts have died out. Sure. I don't know any blounts. I've never met a blount.

I've never met a blount. That I haven't liked. Yes. I love them. I love them. I should say, their affair is confirmed because she had a son.

Do you know, well, guess what they called the son? Gary Newman. Greg Newman. Both wrong, Henry. Again? Another Henry.

What a Henry? Henry. Henry was so excited to be a dad of someone who themselves one day could. be a dad. He could just say to have a son. You fucking mind. He wanted someone who had the potential of being,

this one could be a dad. Not all sons could be dads. But all dads are sons. Wow. That sounds deep, doesn't it? But it's not, it isn't at all. I've just rethought what I said. Are you a son if your parents are dead?

Or are you an orphan? Yeah. Yeah. Both. I just think you should think on that. That sounds deep as well. That does. But I don't think you lose,

because they're still your parents, aren't they? So you're still there. Wait, hang on, I know, I just remembering our Lord and Saviard John Farnham once said, we're all someone's daughter, we're all someone's son.

That's fun. So that probably, either way. How long can we look at each other down the barrel of a son? Of a son. Son of a gun. Imagine if you rhymes sun with sun.

But S-O-N with S-U-N than the barrel of S-U-N-S-U-S-U-S-N. Would have been great. Why are you looking down the barrel of a son? Sons don't have barrels. Oh, don't look at the sun, that's my advice. That is. Henry VIII, he was so excited to have a son, which you've been wanting forever.

Someone who's capable of being a dad one day maybe if he and his partner, he came out and publicly claimed the son even though it's his illegitimate son. He's not married to the woman. He was so excited. He's like, I don't care. He's a boy. I don't give a shit. And he made him a duke, which is like a high ranking thing, which really, most people, most other kings,

probably would have been like, nah, it's not a son. I think that's quite progressive of him in a way. Yeah. He named the king Henry Fitzroy. And Fitzroy, I didn't know this, means son of king. So he... Oh. Oh.

Fitzroy. Fits, which bits which. Fitzroy. Roy meaning son. Fitz meaning king. Wait, no, I reckon Fitz means son because Fitzgerald and all that. Oh, that makes sense. And I have some weird feeling that Roy is something to do with, like,

royalty or... I have... I've got more than a weird feeling, I know, because it means son of king. Yeah, Roy is in royal. So I think that... Let us break down the word, mate. Fitzroyal.

That does make sense. It was suggested that Fitzroyal marry his own half-sister Mary, later to be Bloody Mary, in order to strengthen his claim to the throne. Because a lot of people would be like, well, you're the illegitimate son, so you can't be king.

But they were like, well, if he's married to the princess, when their parents die, he can be king. That's still fucked. It's weird. Sadly, this never happened because Fitzroy died suddenly of tuberculosis age 17. Oh no. That is brutal for the king. So we never get to know if he would have been king.

A lot of his storyans say that he probably would have been because Henry was so happy to have a son. Wow. Yeah, it feels like Henry can probably, but I mean he has to be dead almost. I wonder if young Henry was like just living with his mum or whether he moved him into the castle or... I wonder.

You know? Did he fully take him on? Yeah. Actually, one day he brought him into the royal court. Wow. And I think that was a pretty shocking thing to do. And be like, this is my son. This is my boy.

My boy. Look at him. Bring your boy to work. Everybody look at my boy. Did work experience with dad. Oh, that's nice. He claimed he was so stoked to have him. Sadly, he died young.

So nice for him, but so brutal for all the daughters. Yeah. Yeah. Just see, every time they walk in the room, his shoulders slump. Oh, fuck. Not again. Not another fucking female spawn. That's the worst.

I can't believe that came out of me. Ew. Now, I will say that while in the story here, I'm mainly focusing on the wives, because there's a lot of other sort of stuff going on behind the scenes with his left-hand, right-hand men coming up and down. coming up and down Well They, a lot of them Are his friend for a long time

And then suddenly they do something And he's like, I don't like you anymore And they suddenly get arrested And get ahead That happens a lot But they're also pretty dodgy A lot of these letters go out of them called Thomas Ah yeah, never trusted Thomas

My brother's name's Thomas And we don't trust him, do we? No, we don't No, we do not We do not But so I'm mainly the figures on the wives But I will say that he was also in charge of the military As the King

And he did pretty well there He invaded France his troops defeated a French army at the Battle of the Spurs and he had led the army personally with his large entourage so he was actually part of the battle Large entourage that felt good He had his hairstylist with him Turtle was there

Turtle was there Turtle's always though I think it's a turtle there's a TV show that one of the main characters was a car driver called Turtle That is a real thing that happened Yeah

I've never seen Entourage And I really think I'm going to avoid it now That sounds really bad Is it good? I don't know I never watched it either How do you know turtle? I know everything How do you know neighbours characters that I don't

Henry the 8th is also Sometimes called the father of the Royal Navy Because when he became king There were five royal warships But by the time he died He'd built 50 Wow It's been really made

And England for a long time was... King of the Sea. King of the Sea, that's right. So, he also built the first naval dock in Britain at Portsmouth, and in 1546 he established the Navy Board. Oh, there you go. That's a little side note there. But back to the wives.

During his first marriage to Catherine, Henry conducted an affair with Mary Berlin, Catherine's Lady in Waiting, aka her PA. Okay. Personal assistant type thing. Sure. Sort of a very close and trusted person that you would hope. Wouldn't sleep with your husband, but there you go.

In 1525 as Henry grew more impatient with Catherine's quote inability to produce the male air he desired This is an ongoing thing he would always blame them Why can't you have a son? Why can't you have a son? He became enamoured with Mary Berlin's sister Anne Anne Boleyn. Then a charismatic young woman of 25 Also in the Queen's entourage

Large entourage Henry is 34 at this point and he's been married for 16 years. Wow. That's a long time. Yeah, they've got a good go. Anne, however, resisted his attempts to seduce her and refused to become his mistress as her sister Mary had done.

Classic Anne. So then we come to... A classy dame. She is. Is she an Anne with just N or is an E? No, it's just... There's an E? Double N. E.

Is that your mum's named? Correct. Your mom's named Anne Boen. Mm-hmm. I would have taken that over Perkins, I reckon. Yeah, big time. Just Billin. Just Billin.

No, it sounds good. What are you up to? Just Berlin. What about you? No, I don't like it. Also Berlin. Because how often do you say, hey, what are you up to? And I say, just Perkin.

I don't, do I? Well. I'd say only handful times a day. But not enough to make a significant part of your life. Yeah, not to get printed on T-shirts or anything. T-shirts. Well, if we had a t-shirt, what would it say? Probably fuck a countess.

Imagine that? You'd be walking in and people would be like, why does it say that? It's a podcast to listen to from Australia. Yeah. It's a whole thing. We're wearing it on the main streets of Akron. Oh, wow. Orkron.

What? Arkron. No. It's funny that I think they're saying it wrong, but we're saying it wronger. Yeah. We're saying it Akron. Ahron. Dave.

Do go on. We come to the King's Great Matter. Henry started to panic about not having a son. Catherine, who was 40 now, was no longer to bear children by this time, mainly because the poor woman has gotten pregnant so many times. I feel terrible for her. That just can't be good for you.

And she's fought, you know, morning. Henry began to believe that his marriage was cursed and sought confirmation from his Bible. He was a very religious man. This guy's such an idiot. Dear Bible. Is my marriage curse? Please write back.

Yes. Yes, it is. Oh, thank you, Bible. He's like holding it up to. Yeah, he's doing it. Look, I can talk to the Bible. Hello. Hello, it's me, Bible.

Hello, Thomas. See that? I'm not doing that. Thomas. Look, I don't sound like this. I don't sound like this. Look, that's that. Different.

It's the Bible. Different voice. So. I've got a lot of talents, but I'm not talented in a voice. I'm not a ventriloquist, which hasn't been invented yet. It's probably had. I don't know. Anyway.

It's one of the oldest start. I'll stop riffing. I just have it a good time So he thought his marriage was cursed He went to the Bible Which he interpreted to say That if a man marries his brother's wife The couple will be childless

Henry's interpretation of the biblical passage meant that their marriage Had been wrong in the eyes of God So that's why he's thinking Oh I can't have a son Even though he has had a child with a woman Yeah So what he thinks he's the problem now

No he thinks that the marriage is cursed Sure yeah Because he married his older brother's widow Oh sure sure sure yeah Henry needed a male there and he needed one now So what he came to Is what is referred to as the King's Great Matter It's a big grater

Great's cheese on it For pizzas and nachos I'm making me hungry Oh let's get some pizza after this Which wasn't invented yet Possibly was I don't know Who knows He decided he had three realistic options for his great matter

They were Number one Number one Fuck more women You didn't say something different there were you? Yeah. It was no good either way.

No, but it was a better decision to go with women. Number two. Oh no, wait, number one. Number one.

Number one. Number one. Number one is legitimising his half son, Henry Fitzroy, who's still alive at this time because he met to 17. How do you legitimise him?

Possibly marry him to his daughter, Mary. Sure. Or just make it up and make everyone agree that his son will be king if he dies. Cool. But actually,

no, pardon of me, I should have read to my next sentence. It would take the intervention of the Pope. The Pope would have to say, yeah, you weren't married to the mum, but who cares? So that was up to number one. Which seems like something a Pope would do. Yeah.

Number two. Number two. Marry off his daughter, Mary, as soon as possible, hoping for a grandson to inherit directly. Oh. But Mary was considered unlikely to conceive before Henry's death because of her age and because of his age. How old was she? Sorry. No, she would have been young child, 10 or something at this time.

Yeah, yeah. And he doesn't know how long he's going to live for. Like, he does live another like 20 years, but he doesn't know that. Doesn't know that. And option number three. Number three. Somehow shun his wife and marry someone younger of childbearing age and get her to have a son. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We have a winner. Number three. He's gone from, I'll pick door number three, please, Gary. A very good choice, for your highness. That's right, you just have to shun your wife. So are you approached... Let the shunning begin. In the big royal ceremony.

The royal shunning. Bring in the royal shunning paddle. Hey, hey, psh! Hey, stop. Shun her. Shun her good. Shun.

Shun. Shun. Shun. Shun her of a cliff. No, hey, if you want to shun your wife, you've got to do the right thing. You've got to approach her and say, hey, can you retire to a nunnery and never be seen again? which she said, no, God never called me to a nunnery.

I am the king's true and legitimate wife. And he was like, that's not the answer I was hoping. To be honest, I really hope you'd say... Honey. Yes. Honey. Honey. Shoney.

Please. This is the best thing for all of us. Come on. It's what I want. And I'm the fucking king. Yeah. He's the fucking king. He is.

Well, hasn't proven to be. Oh, he's fucking things left around. But it's just what I mean. It's just not working. All these women are broken. What's the common denominator, Enri? Henry. Henry.

They're all women. I know what I must do. I must marry my son. So she said, I will not go away. And he did not listen and sent his secretary to the Pope, Pope Clement the seventh, in the hope of having his marriage to Catherine and Nulled. He argued... After 16 years.

We were drunk. We're in Vegas. Well, his argument being that the marriage acted contrary to Leviticus 2021, which is the biblical pastures that he interpreted. And he said, look at that. Look at that, Pope. Read it and weave. Read it and a weave.

Four aces. Fifth up the sleeve. He's like, that's the thing that said you shouldn't marry your brother, brother's wife, so that doesn't count. The Pope didn't go for it. Great. He sorted the bullshit. Probably because there's probably about 500 other things

the bar with the goal against that. You can't just... I notice a lot throughout history people pick and choose. They're like, no, no, no, no, but look at this. And it's like, what about these ten things? No, no, no, but look at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is on page two. Yeah. Don't worry about page 47. This is the one I agree with. Yeah, exactly. And I'm the king. Yeah. And Ezekasoclassical court

with a representative of the Pope, which is just like a Christian court, was set up to appease Henry in England with a representative of the Pope there. Both Henry and Catherine attended. Oh, good. Date nights. date night to the court

I'm trying to shun you Should we take two cars or one? I don't know What do you reckon? Maybe this is our chance Maybe this could be the night We rekindling us We just needed time

Just one and one time Away from all the kids Oh fuck My client Henry would like to divorce his wife That's you That's you I hate you

I don't like you But you are broken You are broken You are broken. Something inside you is not working. The boy machine's broken. Your boy jeans down. Because of the curse.

The Pharaoh's curse. This court has actually seen more of a show on Clement's behalf, just trying to make Henry feel a bit better about it. Because after two months, which is still a long time to me, it was called off. The Pope and the court were probably under a lot of pressure from the very powerful Emperor Charles V, who's the ruler of Spain,

and he's Catherine's nephew. you. So he was probably in the ear of the Pope going, don't shun my aunt. I don't do that. Which is nice to have a, you nephew in your court. Yeah. With the chance for an annulment lost, and England's place in Europe now looking a bit fucked because he's trying to divorce this Spanish woman

and they're like, hey, why are you doing that? Is that the historical term? Is it a bit fucked? Bitfucked. I did take this from historical words.com. Hashtag bit fucked. I reckon that there'll be a lot of things that come up. Yeah, probably. Cardinal Walsy, great name. Great name.

Caldinal Walsy, who was until this point Henry's right-hand man, he bore the blame. Henry was like, well, I asked you to try and get me a divorce, and you didn't. It was rumoured that Walsy had a secret plot to have Anne Boleyn, who is Henry's interest, forced into exile and began talking to the Pope behind his back. So Henry was like, I'm arresting you for treason, and he probably would have been executed, but he died of natural causes. Sure he did. Yeah, Henry's fist. Henry Smiths to the face He died of natural poison

I got it from a bush It's natural I got it from a bush This bush There's bush down a dark alleyway I got some poison for you Would you get it, bush? Yeah

Nice Then we have a Almost getting too dumb Got a couple of Thomases Sir Thomas Moore Famous man Took on the role of Lord Chancellor And Sir Thomas Cramna

Was given the role Of Archbishop of Canterbury Cramnab, not as good as Moore. Thomas Moore is better. Both good job titles, though. Oh, yeah. So, both very powerful men. So these are some of the right-hand, left-hand man I'm talking about.

What's that if you're trying to right-hand and the left-hand man? Well, one's right-handed, one's left-handed. Gotcha. That does seem obvious. But Jess is our resident's hand expert on the podcast. Yeah. So I am, by default, your left-hand man. Okay.

Dave is your right-hand. Gotcha. But you are also Dave's right-hand. Okay. But I am both of your left-hand. Right. Problem is, you are both my right-hand man. Oh, fuck.

But you're right-hand man. Yeah, which in turn, because if you've got two on the right, it does, it sort of counteracts having to have somebody on the left. Right. So we're cool, we're cool. It all balances out. Why does Danny DeVito's leg factor into all of this? Oh, Dave, if I have to explain.

Sorry, I don't want to dump it down on. Good heavens. Just thinking of the listeners. Let's just get through the topic and I'll explain over the launch. We are on wife one of six. Oh, fuck. Don't worry, this is the big wife. They couldn't possibly all last for 16 years.

He's still alive. He's still marrying. He's still married. He's still married. He's fourth husband. Nah, she and Kanye will last. Pope has said, no. Bad king.

Nauty. He hit him on the nose with a newspaper. Stop it. Henry would not take no for an answer in a year later. Catherine was banished from the court, kicked out of the kingdom. And her rooms were given to Anne. Oh.

Who is, remember, one of her right-hand women. Yeah. Bye, Catherine. I'll take this. I'll take all your stuff. At this stage, who's more powerful? Who would be seen more powerful in the English public? The Pope or the king?

So the king is in charge of the country, but the Pope is in charge of their Catholicism, the whole religion across all of Europe. Yeah. So it feels like the Pope's kind of the... It's a very... Most kings would stop now. Yeah.

But not Henry. Right. Yeah, most... Okay, you're the Pope. you're the top dog. Henry's like, nah. Remember,

he wasn't trained as a king so he doesn't give a fuck about diplomacy. Right. But I'm thinking like down the public, you know, the paupers and stuff.

What are they, are they like? Probably just struggling to survive. Struggling to survive. Not too fuss about it. Gotcha. Not too worried about the king and his divorce

or not divorce. Yeah. Cool. They're just trying to feed themselves. Okay. It's like asking people in Haiti. What do you think about Trump being elected?

I don't give a fuck. Yeah. That's fair. I'm just trying to survive. I think that's what the poor people are doing that. Interesting. Interesting.

So now we've got Anne. She's moved in. She's born between 1501 and 1507. Records were not so good, I think. That's quite a gap. I know. I think she was lying about her age. We all do.

Are you of childbearing age? You look old. I'm 13. You look about 65. 13. She was the Marcus of Pembroke in her own right. Her father was a diplomat who knew many languages, and her father was close with Henry.

the seventh, Henry's dad. All know each other. They're all moving the same circles. Yeah, blah, blah, blah. Henry, there's Henry the king, Henry the eighth. Now 41 and now 32. Or thereabouts. Sure.

Or 25 or 37. Somewhere in there. They went through a secret wedding service. She soon became pregnant and there was a second wedding service, a public one in London, January 1533. But she was like seven months pregnant at the time and she went for one of those mini-dress styles so it's just like ballooned off. Yeah, it was really, it was really,

cool. She looked great. Would you call it a cute? A cute ensemble. So cute. Oh my God, so cute. Henry, remember, so the Pope has said no to this. Henry needed an excuse to break away from the perp. From the PIP. From the PIP. It was the head of the church. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas from the PIP. We have the official Pippe. Merry Christmas, everybody. From Pup, Benedict the 7th. He chose... Anyway. So Henry challenged the Pope's papal supremacy.

Pippew. And over four years, instituted a number of statutes that dealt with the relationship between the King and the Pope and hence changed the structure of the Church of England. So Henry, who until this point was a very religious man,

decided that he would be the head of the Church of England and that the Pope no longer mattered. The Pope could fuck off, said King, Henry, not us, obviously. We obviously respect to the Pope. The pit. The peep. Thomas Kramner, one of the right-hand men I said before, he sat in a judgment at a special court convened to rule on the validity of the king's marriage to Catherine of Aragon,

and he declared that their marriage was null and void because of the brother thing. Like, you married, you married his brother. Because of the, whatever the king says. Yeah. Did he say, which one did you want again? Which one? Option A or B? I'll print it by.

Should I just sign it here? What bullshit excuse are we coming up with? Oh, cool. All right, done. So, Nellon void, five days later, Kramner declared the marriage of Henry and Anne to be valid. Yay. No, no, no, no, this one's real.

Yeah. This one. This one. Has he ever married your brother? No, you're in. My brother. It's the number one rule. It's a marriage.

No. No. Yeah. Fuck the poop. Fuck the poop. Fuck the poop. Hey, whatever. he wanted to do on his wedding night, it's up to them.

And he could do that anywhere he wanted to. I think I'm starting to understand why he hasn't had many children. He's been going up with poop. He's been fucking the pub. Catherine was formally stripped of her title as queen, becoming instead Princess Dowager. Dowager. And she's given that title because she's the widow of Arthur,

even though she married him for 20 weeks, 25 years ago. What? She's now known as the widow of the first brother. Oh. The queen, this is Queen Anne Boleyn, gave birth to a daughter. No. The child was christened Elizabeth,

an honorary of Henry's mother, Elizabeth of York. Henry was disappointed that it was a daughter, but he wouldn't know that this baby would grow up to be Queen Elizabeth I, who had reigned for 45 years. Far out. So he was like, oh, another daughter, not knowing that she would be one of the most successful and famous queen in their country's history. Wow.

So why is it so important that's the son? So it's a king. But his daughter's the queen. So what? Because it's more likely that if you have just a daughter that someone like your cousin can be like, oh. Swoop in. Yeah, can be like, oh, well, I've got a son and he's the nephew of the king.

Right. Or the great grand nephew, like they're often very. And do you know why that didn't happen in this case? I will get to the what happens after he dies. Sorry, mate, skipping ahead. Like an absolute fuckhead. No, that's fine. Feked.

Sorry, Jess. Feked. He always pronounces it wrong. Fekid. And also, you're thinking to... Language warning, please. To modern and progressive in like, what's wrong with having a daughter. You know, back then, yuck.

Swine people. Well, I mean, even now. Even now. I remember your parents gave me a call when they found out of the news, and they were not happy. I was young and confused with the call, but I did see their point. I mean, it was the... You weren't that young. It was the late 80s.

You weren't that... No, it wasn't. Wait, when were you... 90. But you were... They would have found out that I were having a girl in the late 80s. No.

Not back then. Science hadn't developed... No, I was born sort of late 90, so they were pregnant in January. When's your birth month? Very end of August. Very end of August. Correct.

I knew that. I was just double-checking you remembered... The my own... You didn't know what year or my... month I was born in. Don't we talk about it every week. Like so often. So often.

I'm obnoxious about it. Anywho. I'm sorry I've hurt your feelings there, Jess. No, it's fine. I'm sitting your face and your body language. And the fact that I'm just flipping you the bird. Yeah, that's another indicator for me. There's that.

And then Anne, the marriage was declared officially legitimate. Then they passed the Act of Supremacy in 1534. This is one that Parliament also recognized the king's status as the head of the church of England. And 1534, also the act. Act in restraint of appeals abolish the right of appeal to Rome. So usually you could challenge and be like, I'm actually going to double check with the Pope on this.

But they cut that off. So it stops with Henry every time. Great. That's fun. Who would, yeah, who would they have double checked with? The Archbishop. What are they? What's the new cardinal?

The Archbishop of Canterbury. That's it. So that's the top bishop. But they would go above them to the Pope. Straight to the Pope. But the Pope's not involved anymore. Yeah, they've cut him out. They've said, you can't go talk to the Pope anymore.

My Pope. on the top. King's word is done. That's smart play. It's funny that he's done this for just for marriage reasons. Yeah. But it's also made him incredibly powerful. Yeah, it's so strange.

Crazy. Like, he did it just for a marriage, but now he can do anything you like. Why is he so obsessed with having a son? That's really ultimately what it's all come down to. It's just... It's so funny, because you're dead by the time they're king anyway. Who cares? Who cares? You're dead.

But he thinks he'd be dead and also, like, some... in the clouds looking down, I guess, and been like, oh no, no, we shout a son. Wish I did more. Wish I did all the rules. Well, did you say he's worried that you won't get to heaven? Because what effectively has happened to is that England has broken away from the Roman Catholic Church and the Pope, split them up.

And this whole time, Henry has been worried that the Pope would excommunicate him and bar his soul from getting to heaven because he's got that power as the Pope. So, Henry placed himself as the head of the church. So in that sense, in his own eyes, the divorce is legal. So he's just given himself permission to go. It doesn't make any sense. It's like, well, now the Pope doesn't matter because of the, like, God respects the law that I just parted. That I made up.

Brilliant. God's working through me. Everything I do is because of God. It's all about justifying. He agrees with these things. Brilliant. It's all about justifying everything. I love it.

You must deep down understand that that is not how it would work. I don't think he does deep down understand anything. I think he's a bit of a nutcase. Many well-funded monasteries were dissolved and over the next four years, 800 monasteries were disbanded and their lands and treasure taken for the crown. Their treasure? It's also made him very rich. Not their treasure. They've taken the treasure.

How did he find the treasure? With a map. And a bird on his shoulder. He's also a pirate now. He really, he's done it all. He's done it all. He's one of the best. He's like a modern day Dave Warnocky.

Not a modern day one. Dave Warnocky is like a modern day. Dave Warnocky. There we go. King Henry's like an olden day Warnocky. Glad we clear that out. Thank you. The king and queen, this is Anne Berlin, were not pleased with married life.

The royal couple enjoyed periods of calm and affection, but Anne refused to play the submissive role expected of her because she's very intellectual. And before she was all about the chase. And she's like, no, no, no, but now he's like, all right, you're my wife, you do what I say now. And she's like, I'm still pretty independent. Yep. It doesn't like that. The chase is fun, isn't it? When you're like, oh, go on.

And they're like, no. And you're like, come on, let's though. And they say, no, stop it. And you go, oh, she's being coy. I'm not being coy. I'm not interested. Please leave me alone. Oh, what a tease.

Yeah, now romance is good. After a miscarriage in 1534, he saw her failure to give him a son as a personal betrayal. As early as Christmas that year, Henry was discussing with Thomas Kramner and Thomas Cromwell the chances of leaving and without having to return to Catherine. So he was worried that if he leaves Anne,

everyone would be like, well, now you have to go back to your first wife. What a weird rule out of me. Why would you? Why? And at this time, there was also a bit of opposition

to the King's changes to the church, but these were all quickly suppressed. So a few people had, there was a bit of rioting, a bit of things, but he sort of that out. He made that go away. He made a go away.

Killed some people. Yep. Pretty much. Killed some Clarences. On, in January, 1536, news reached the king and the queen that Catherine of Aragon, the former queen, had died.

Henry called for public displays of joy Ricarding Catherine's death. What a prick! That's just bizarre. Maybe it was a celebration of her life? Imagine being Mary, right? And so you're mourning your mother's death and your dad's like,

do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Tequila. He's going, ding-dog, the witch is dead. Like, that's awful. He's like tequila on the top of the castle. She's loving it I took my love down to Baker Street Yeah

Shots on me That's so mean I didn't do anything At this time Well it's the problem isn't it At this time the queen Anne was pregnant again She was aware of the consequences

If she failed to give birth to a son What a stressful word out of pregnancy Later that month The king was unhorsed in a jousting tournament It was badly injured and it seemed for a time that he may die. When news of this accident reached the Queen, Queen Anne, she was sent into shock and miscarried a male child.

This is also the day of Catherine's funeral. Oh, what a day. So mixed emotions. He's celebrating. Is he still celebrating? No, he's really upset. Still playing tequila now, fuckhead. He's finally like, yeah, an somber version of tequila.

Some musical genius Tequila Some early signs Of a fall from grace for Anne Were the king's new mistress New mistress I would like to introduce you to my mistress Hello peep

He had his new mistress I'm not doing it on purpose I swear Try again New mistress. There we go. The 28-year-old Jane Seymour moved into his new quarters.

Ah, Dr. Quinn Medicine. Is that right? Jane Seamore, is she? Is that a... Isn't her name Quinn? Oh, no, good point. No, the actor, you morrow. Oh, sorry.

I was like, it's not Dr. Seymour, medicine. He more. What? I was thinking it had to rhyme, but Quinn and a woman, medicine woman doesn't rhyme at all. Between April 30th and made second five men,

including Anne's Brum. were arrested on charges of treasonable adultery and accused of having sexual relationships with the Queen's Queen Anne's own brother, George Berlin, was arrested on charges of incest and treason. Oh, George. Wait, what? Did that just come out of nowhere or were you leading up to that somehow? So he's got his new mistress, Miss Mittred.

He's got a new Mittress. He wants to fuck off, Anne. Anne has moved in, Anne has miscarried for the last time, so now he's got to pretend that she's been cheating on him this whole time to get rid of her. So he's like, look at all these men she's been. sleeping with, including her brother. Yark. Gross. Trying to turn the public against her like,

oh, look, she seemed she didn't remember her brother. Just in, yeah, just in case any of them were like, well, you know, you know. I mean, you've been doing that a lot as well. But her brother, oh, yuck. You forget, he's the king. I did forget that, but she is the queen. Which means nothing.

Yeah. Anne was also arrested and accused of this adultery and incest. Although the evidence against it was unconvincing, the accused of, the accused were found guilty and condemned to death. That would be the worst. Incess would usually result. Death? Yeah, it would be.

For like a crime you didn't commit. Yeah, it would be bad. You didn't have to point that out. Everybody picked up, but that's a bad thing. And your friends and brother have to die too? Yeah, it's awful. I mean, if you think about it, Jess, this is not a good thing to have happened to you.

I don't have to think about it. Let me just put a slight ass half full on this. Okay. If you're convicted of incest at the time, women are traditionally burnt to death, but he decided that he would instead chop a head off. Sweet. A much nicer way.

Nice quick death. But wait. Not with an axe with a sword. He hired an expert swordsman from France to come over to perform the execution. So a good guy. Wait, you get burnt to death, but wasn't he trying to force a marriage between a half brother and sister or something? Yeah.

Oh, he's fucked. And they're, they're trying to marry. They know their relatives all the time and the royalty thing. But he's the king and they're not. Oh, fuck. So if he says it's gross, it's gross. If he says it's fine, it's fine. This one is a yuck one.

This is a yuck one because it's not a king one. Yeah, it's a yuck one because it works in his favour if it's a yuck one. I think I'm starting to get this. Yuck one is fun to say. It sounds like a cool city. You guys going down to yuck one for the weekend? Yacuan, Ohio. Yeah.

Yuck, that's probably accurate. Yuck one. She gave a very dignified speech before her death, set a prayer and was executed in one stroke. which at the time is a real blessing because sometimes it would take a lot. Do you reckon, okay, do you reckon it's a sword so to cut off her head in one strike

is like, is that a really sharp sword or a really hard hit? I'd say a combination of both. Interesting. Hmm. He was an expert. Do you go on. She was buried in an unmarked grave.

Oh, come on. A skeleton was later identified during renovations of the St. Peter Venicular. Chapel during the reign of Queen Victoria and her resting place is now marked in the marble floor. So Queen Victoria paid us some respect. The day after Anne's execution in 1536, the 45-year-old Henry became engaged to Jane Seymour.

She had also been one of the Queen's ladies in waiting. So now he's married the right-hand woman of his first wife's right-hand woman. Great. He's stretching the woman. He doesn't go far to find new women. He turned his head by like two degrees. How about the woman on your left? She's all right.

Yeah, done. They were married 10 days later. 10 days, that's hardly enough time to plan a wedding. 1537. I'll get that to laugh. But by this time, Henry is legit and expert at organising weddings. Oh, true. He's probably got like a wedding team.

Oh, full time. Full time wedding team. They just wait. They're like the Sydney Harbour Bridge Painting team. By the time they get to the end, they're going to start again. That's a myth, apparently. It's still fun to say. In October 1537, Jane gave birth to a son.

No. Prince Edward. Future King Edward the 6th. The birth was difficult, however, and the queen died from an infection a few days later. Oh no. So he didn't have to kill that one. So the first few days, he was super excited because he'd had a son. And then suddenly he was really upset because a woman.

because a woman that gave him a son, love of his life in his eyes. Sure. Temporary love of his life died. So he was very... But he didn't have to get that French guy back with the sword, so that's good. That saves a bit of cash. A bit of cash money, you know? At the time Henry recovered quickly from the shock.

Of course he did. Measures were immediately put in place to find another wife for Henry. Of course they were. Henry wants a wife, they called it. The auditioned millions of women across the world. Wow, yeah, I'm sure there'd be lots of people putting their hands up. Yeah, yeah, they just looked at the other ones and gone, all right. exiled, shunned, murdered, died in childbirth.

I'll give this a go. I'll give it a crack. I can change him. Yeah. And the winner was named Anne of Cleaves. Another Anne. Loves his Anne. He's got a type.

He's got a type. Henry VIII began to fear an attack on his kingdom, so it suggested that he marry Anne, Anne of Cleaves, the 25-year-old sister of the Duke of Cleaves, who was seen as an important ally in case of the Roman Catholic. church attacking England. So remember he's quit the church, he's worried they're going to retaliate and try and kill him.

So he's like, I'll have I marry this lady. She's pretty close to the church. Also, I'll get a wife. Great. Win-win. Win, baby. Henry, having never seen the girl, had a painter, paint a portrait of her,

and is speculated that he painted her in quite a flattering light. After seeing the portrait, and urged on by a complimentary description by one of his friends, the 49 year old agreed to marry Anne. However, it was not long before Henry wished to annul the marriage so he could marry someone else. So she was an hugo. That's mean.

Henry thought someone was an hugo. So he's definitely fat by this. Hello, pot. It's kettle. You're black. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? He didn't have to kill this one because it was argued that they had not consummated the marriage or technically wasn't a real marriage. Because she was an argo.

Wouldn't even... Do you think I would have consumm out of this? On the divorce papers, reason, I'll go. Reason? Here's a picture. Reason? See wife. Look up from paper.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Good call. Plus, I can't see my dick anymore. It's pretty out of consummate anything these days, to be honest. But I'm going to let you know that... Because I'm fat.

Anna Cleaves got the best deal out of any of the wives. So she didn't have to have sex with Henry, who's... horrible in obese by now. That is a win. She didn't get murdered. She didn't die in childbirth. Great. And she got a title,

the title of the King's sister, referred to as the King's beloved sister. She got two houses and a general allowance. The King's sister. It's weird, isn't it? That's fucked. But you get a sweet allowance that you can live on forever

and you never had to have sex with the fat guy. So good. So out of all the wives. It's not about him being fat, Dave. It's about him being an awful person. I know. I'm starting to feel bad about body shaming. It's not the fat thing that's a problem.

I apologise for everything I've said. It's a disgusting human. He's a disgusting human inside. Who happens to be fat? Who happens to be disgusting outside? Correct. Because he kills with his outside bits. Yeah.

He kills, he has suffocated many women his faults. Oh, Dave, that's not fair. I mean, I don't think that's very nice. I haven't apologise yet, and I refuse to. I'm a thin, arrogant man. It was soon clear that Henry had fallen So he's four wives so far We're into four

It was soon clear that Henry had fallen For the 17 year old Catherine Howard Oh that is That's a gap She was the niece of the Duke of Norfolk And although she had good lineage She was very poor Mainly because her father was one of 21 children

And she was one of 10 Not enough money to go around How old's he at this stage? About 50 Right So the general rule is I think we're all aware The rule is like the youngest

that you can date is half your age plus seven. All right, so he's 50. So, that's 32. 32 should be the youngest, and she's 17. She's younger than his daughter, Mary. Yeah, that's fucked. One thing about her, though, Dave, is how about her breeding genes? She's from, she's one of 10 and her dad's one of 21.

I hadn't really thought of it. Maybe he's looked at that in third. You're going to have a son. Yeah. You've got it. You're going to have many options. Some of these are going to be sons Because you can do it

You can produce You can do it You got good breeding jeans Breeding jeans Get your breeding jeans on We got jobs to do We got boys to create Thomas Cromwell

One of the Thomases He got a bit too big for his boots Henry thought he was getting a bit too powerful So he was off Yeah sure Treason and on the day he was executed Henry married his young wife Catherine Howard

Yay congratulations Catherine She was a first cousin and Lady in Waiting of Anne Boleyn, the second one. So they're all a lady in waiting of a previous wife. It does feel it. They were all ladies in waiting. For him. They were waiting for him.

He was absolutely delighted with his new queen and awarded her the lands of Cromwell, the man he just chopped his head off, and gave her fast... Remember that guy that wasn't my best friend? I don't like him anymore. You can have his land because I just killed him. There you go, Toots.

It's so weird to give your wife lands. It's like, I mean, we live in. in the same house. You can have those lands. That's all yours. I rarely travel without you, so. The marriage and the honeymoon phase was short-lived, as it was alleged that she was an adulterer. What?

She's 17. She's not even an adult. It was alleged that she had a previous relationship, and also had an affair whilst married to Henry. Oh, for the first-sake and forget her, curdles. Yeah, she met someone that she liked. Was age-appropriate? Yeah, I imagine that. It feels a bit like Titanic, where she's poor.

I've been told to marry the rich one, but then she falls in love with someone else, a poor person. Sure. The king, who was infatuated, refused to believe it. Although the previous relationship... La, la, la, la, la, no, no. My wife loves me heaps. A lot of Barry's face in his fault.

Can't hear anything under fault. Deriham, who was the person she apparently had already had a relationship with, confessed. They had a meeting of a council before Henry believed the accusations and he went into a raid blaming the council. Then he went off hunting to clear his head. And then he came back and decided that it was treason and it was punishable by death for a queen consort to fail to disclose her sexual history to the king within 20 days of their married. Okay, that's a bullshit rule. It's probably, it's probably day 19 or something. Day 19.

Hang on. Far out. When questioned, the queen could have admitted a prior contract to marry Derraham, which means that, oh, no, I was engaged in him, which would have made her subsequent marriage to Henry invalid,

but she would get to live. But she instead claimed that Derraham had forced her into a relationship, which exposed her and made her eligible for execution. Oh, my God. Oh, good. She's eligible for execution.

Eligible's not a word. that we want to use there. Eligible is a good thing. Is it? Well, yeah, because you'd be eligible for a bonus. Eligible for a Bachelor of Us. Exactly. Eligible for execution?

Hey, congratulations. You're eligible for execution. I accept before I hear the offer. Oh, no. Shit. Was she aware of that? That she was putting herself in the day. Well, no, because they made up that rule after she talked to them.

I imagine that they probably would have bent the rules either way. Yeah. That is awful. you bring a child into your weird sex marriage life thing and then go, that's fucked. I mean, it's all been fucked. But this one feels maybe worse than the rest. Yeah.

Well, I'll read this sentence. The night before her execution, Catherine is believed to have spent many hours practicing how to lay her head upon the block, which she had been brought into her cell at her request. That's fucked. She made a speech describing her punishment as worse. the unjust and asked for mercy for her family

and prayers for her soul. According to popular folklore, ferclair. Feclure from the pub. Her final words were, I die a queen, but I would have rather died the wife of culpeter. It's one that she apparently had an affair with. But that's uncorroborated. But it sounds good. It does sound good. All right, so we've got five wives, one to go. Henry married his last wife, the wealthy widow,

Catherine Parr. Another fucking Catherine. July, this is the third Catherine. Three of six are called Catherine. They spelled them different ways. Oh, do they? That's interesting. One of the K, two of the C. Yep.

The wealthy widow Catherine Parr, July 1543. She had been widowed twice, so Henry was her third husband, and she was 31 years old. Henry 52. Okay. Well, he's getting closer to that lower barrier, but still is not quite there. I think he's just, doesn't mean, oh, no, that's close. No, it's got to be 33 now. Yeah.

Half plus seven is 33. Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, I would say close enough. That's fine. Well, what's the point of having the rule if you're going to bend it? Well...

Interesting question, Jeff. That is an interesting question. You would not make a good king. Actually, no, you would make a good king. You look at a rule and go, fuck the rule, I don't care. Yeah. Fuck the rule. Catherine Parr helped reconcile Henry with his daughters, Mary and Elizabeth.

Who, by this time, probably didn't like their dad very much anymore. Probably not. Because one of them chopped their mum's head off. Later in life, Henry became obese, as I'd already said, and his waist measured 54 inches or 140 centimetres. He had to be moved about with the help of mechanical inventions. Oh my God, but hey... That's amazing for 500 years ago.

I was going to say, yeah. That's amazing that they had to develop technology to help him. It's funny how bad things often bring technology forward. That's true. A lot of good inventions have come out of war. That's true. Yeah. possibly suffered from gout.

His obesity and other medical problems can be traced from the jousting accident that he had, because he had a horrible leg wound, which apparently reopened. That's convenient, isn't it? And doctors found it difficult to treat as he got older.

It's a syphilis. The wound would fester for the remainder of his life. And it prevented him from maintaining the level of physical activity he had previously enjoyed. So I think that's why he's getting fatter and fatter because his whole life he's been pretty fit.

Right. And now he's eating the same amount, but doing a lot less exercise. Sure. The jousting accident is also thought to have caused Henry mood swings, which may have had a dramatic effect on his personality and temperament. But I can't see that in any of the text I've read. No.

Do you think that he seems like he's moody? No, I don't think so. I think he seems pretty mellow. Obesity hastened Henry's death, and he died at the age of 55 on January 28, 1547, in the Palace of Whitehall. It would have been his father's 90th birthday. His allegedly last words were monks, monks, monks, monks.

There you go. What? Monks, monks, possibly talking about monks because he was worried about all the church stuff. Catherine Parr, his wife, outlived him by one year and married a fourth time. Of course she did. Then we, I'll just finish with the succession. She lived one more year, but it's still found time. She had time.

She does not muck around four. She was trying to beat her husband's record. So she lived a 30-something and... Yeah, mid to like 30s. Oh, yeah, that's not very old either. Not a bad effort. You'll be lucky to get there. Is that a threat?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. After his... After his death, this is what happens afterwards. Henry's only legitimate son, Edward, inherited the crown. He became Edward to the sixth. Edward was only nine years old at the time,

so he could not exercise actual power, and he became ill and died at age 15. Oh, no. Then Lady Jane Grey Edwards, sorry, Lady Jane Grey, Edward's cousin was queen for nine days before Mary the first, whose Bloody Mary stepped in and took over and claimed the throne. What?

Got rid of Lady Jane. She reigned for five years, Bloody Mary, burning people left right and centre. Awesome. Then when she died, her half-sister, Elizabeth I took over and reigned for 45 years. Wow. But she's referred to as the Virgin Queen and never had any children. Ah.

So that's the end of the Tudors? End of the Tudors, and then the king after that is James the First. Scots? James Stewart. Is that his surname? I think so. He's my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great. Cool.

Yeah. My middle name's James. I know. Matthew James Stewart, King of the Scots or whatever. That's not what he was called, is it? What was he called? King Dick, some of that. Who King Dick?

James I, James I. He was also called James the Sixth because he was the king of Scotland and the England's the first one. to put it all together. We've done some stuff. You stewie boys? Yeah, no big deal. So, before we wrap up, just a recap of everything that has just happened. These are the six wives.

First one, Catherine of Aragon, divorced. Mother of Mary the first, married for 24 years. You married for 24 years, and then within 10 years he had five, the next five. Yeah, that's crazy. Oh, midlife crisis. Oh, I have some view wives. That makes sense. Some people buy Porsches, I buy wives.

My dad got a motorbike. Did he really? Yeah. Do you still ride it? Yeah. All the time. Why come on a motorbike? I don't know.

Yamaha, something. He was like so pissed at my brother and my brother got a motorbike. And my dad was like, not under my roof. You're not getting one of those that's not so. Hey, what sort of mild was I got? And then he jumped on and had a little spin. And then he later had his own motorbike. And did your brother still ride too?

Yeah. They go riding together. It's very cute. That is great. Yep. Wife number two, Anne Berlin, beheaded. Mother of Elizabeth I first. Wife number three, Jane Seymour died after giving birth to Edward the 6th.

Number four, Anne of Cleaves, quickly divorced. But I will say, she outlived everyone. Yeah, she's still alive. She is still going. She is the queen's mother's mother's mother. Smother. Smother. Smother.

No, she died. She was smothered. Wife number five, Catherine Howard, the young one, executed. And wife number six, Catherine Parr, widowed. But they wouldn't marry a fourth time. Now, a common way to remember the fates of Henry's consorts or wives, there's a rhyme. It's King Henry VIII to six wives he was wedded, one died, one survived, two divorced, two beheaded. But I prefer this one, which is, so you can remember in order, it goes, divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

Ah, fun. Divorce beheaded died, Divorce beheaded survived. It actually will stick in here, I reckon. It might do, yeah. So there you go, Christian. I did your topic, mate. And I hope I did you proud.

That is the six wives of Henry the 8th. Wow. Thank you. We don't usually clap, but I appreciate it. Well, Matt started it, and I felt you deserved it. That was very interesting. It's crazy, isn't it? It's insane.

I knew a bit about that, because my mom is very big on English history, and she can name all the kings and queens in order or that kind of thing. But I didn't realize that he was married to the first wife for, you know, close to 25 years. Yeah. I thought it was like, got sick of them straight away next. And they seemed okay.

Like they seemed to have a fairly good life. It's just the baby-making thing. You would think that you were pretty safe, wouldn't you? 24 years, yeah. Yeah. I don't think anybody goes into a marriage thinking, well, I could die here. Like, you know, I hope you don't. If you do, re-evaluate your priorities, I reckon.

think it. Oh, good. That was great, Dave. Well done. Thank you guys. I had a good time researching that as I often do. Such a nerd. I'm such a nerd.

But we've got to say thank you to all the Patreon supporters who are the ones that have brought you this episode. We also, a quick side note, we hope that you have by now received your Christmas cards. Yes. If not. If you are overseas, it might take a long time because the Australia Post, which is our National Postal Service, has been having a lot of issues for Christmas this year.

Oh, then about that in the news? They're notoriously crows. crap anyway, but Christmas time especially. So, big lines, people complaining about parcels not being delivered, that kind of stuff. So hopefully, we promise, we did send them, we promise. They're on their way. We haven't, we haven't people let us know. $130 on postage.

We have had people let us know they've received them, so, you know, they're there, they exist. That was exciting to see. Yeah, that was very cool. Sorry, if you haven't already, take a photo where it is. Yeah. Unless it's in the bin. I don't want to say that. I don't want to say that.

That hurts. So yeah, we're going to thank a few people Thank you. Yeah, we'll thank some Patreon listeners. Firstly, I think last week we called a guy Maxwell because I didn't write down his surname for some reason, but his name's Maxwell Covello. What a wasted opportunity last week for me to not say that sweet surname.

Covielo. I feel like... I can hear that sort of being whispered on the breeze. Covielo. Like that? Yeah, like that. Yeah, to me it sounds like a new type of Cadbury chocolate bar, Like caramel a mix with something.

Cadbury caviol. I did that. Coffee and... Oh, coffee. Has that been done? Coffee and caramel? In coffee, yes. In chocolate, maybe not.

Well... Gap in the market. Copyright. There we have copyrighted. Done. So, yeah, let's thank some dudes. Let's thank some dudes. Or gals.

So, yeah, I'd love to thank if I can. Please. If you would let me have the honour. Oh, we asked you too. Oh, thank you. a man I know actually Andy Matthews, an absolute superstar legend, very funny

comedian, and god damn... Genuine, good guy. And saint. Sain's probably better. I should have I was a saint. We love Andy so much. We're all big fans of Andy. Love Andy. One of my favourite

so self-indulgent here, but one time he tweeted that he was listening to the podcast and thought to himself that I'd mellowed out a little bit and then my next sentences. What a bitch. What an absolute fucking bitch. As he's tweeting. He tweeted that like he was thinking, oh, just, just is mellowed out a little bit. I just turned on that. That made me really happy because I thought that was quite funny.

He said, thanks, Andy. You're great. We also need to thank, of course, one of the OG listeners, one of our original. Does that mean organic? Yep. Original. Gangs. Is that what that means? Yeah, it's just like an original.

So from the beginning... Does it mean gangster or just original? Oh my God, Dave, you're asking way too many questions. Oh, I've heard the phrase OG before, but I'm not gangster to know if it means that I'm not. It means original gangster. Fuck, yeah, can I... But you can use it in the context of original. Like, at work, we will say, it was one of the OG customer care agents.

It's so depressing. The original gangster customer care agents. Anyway... What a fun place to work. So pretty much from the beginning... We've had Cecil Hopps on board. Oh, Cecil, big fan. Cicel. Tweets to us all the time.

Big, uh, always listens. Absolute legend. So, of course, a huge thank you. Goes out to Cecil as well. Thank you, Ciesel. He is a member of the Sydney Shinebird Deluxe Package. Passage. He's got a topic coming up in the golden hat that Jess, he's requested you do.

I'm just saying. I like it that he's made the request for me to do it. I think that's quite funny. Yeah, that's cool. Cool. And another member of that crew of Sydney Shineberg, Absolute Legends, is someone that I like to thank. And on here, it looks like you get to pick a little profile picture

or possibly it's assigned to you by Patreon, because many people have cats. But this guy... That might be their version of the Twitter egg. Yeah, maybe people just really like cats, though. But this guy is one cool cat, a hepcat. Hepcat, like Hepcat. Hepcat.

That's right, he's a dying cat. No, there is a cure. There is a cure. And I would like to say, congratulations. And thank you. Mainly thank you. I shouldn't have said congratulations. Congratulations on making the choice to support the show.

Justin McCain. Ah, Justin. Justin McCain. Mr. Justin McCain. The lays a silly game. All the way from Pittsburgh. Oh, go penguins. Pennsylvania.

Thank you so much, Justin. So those are three Patreon legends. and we'd like to say thank you to those three in particular, but everyone that supports us on Patreon which you can find at patreon.com slash do go on pod. We've got a Patreon exclusive episode coming out next week, so get in there.

And it's pretty fucked from memory. I can't even bring myself to listen to it. Nah, it's going to be great. We were only a tiny bit drunk. It's fine. That's a good point. Special guest Nick Kappa and Simon Cumming at the Meredith Music Festival with us.

I'd also like to thank this everyone who listens, Dave. They are all fucking tops as well. Thank you, people. And if you want to get onto us on the internet, Jess, how do you do that? Well, Matt, I'm glad you asked. You can find us on Twitter at do go on pod, Instagram at do go on pod, Facebook at dogo on pod. And you can email us at g at g at g-goonpod at gmail.com. So close to nailing at us.

Was that all right? Email us at g-mail at Google. Yeah, okay. I panicked. I did so well. No, you're great. And the Patreon is just slash do go on, I think. Do go on pot. Oh, fuck.

It's the same as all the others. It's the same. Who would have thought it? So, yeah, you can get in touch on any of those ways. We'd like to hear from you. What a pleasure it's been. This is the last one for the year. Yeah.

Thanks for sticking with us throughout 2016, guys. Next time you hear our voices. Maybe next year. See you all next year, huh? See you on the other side. If you make it. Happy New Year. Yeah, happy New Year.

Hope you get it bloody midnight smooch. Oh, big time. Smoochie smooch. But not up the poop. If it's not looking good for you at the time, just skip ahead to this bit. Get it ready to play. Right in your ears,

you can have a little smooch from Jess and Dave. Midnight. Oh, too much tongue. More tongue. Oh, more tongue. Oh, I think we've got to. Don't enjoy it too much. Anyway.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, yeah, it's hard to undo. It's hard to undo it. Dave. It's a weird belt. Dave. Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks so much for listening, everyone.

We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye. Later's. That's my thing. Fuck you. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming there.

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