Do Go On - 73 - Scientology

Episode Date: March 15, 2017

This week we explore Scientology - specifically, the man who created it ; L. Ron Hubbard. He has got to be one of the most fascinating characters we have talked about! This episode also contains a lot of tension between Matt and Jess, but we assure you we are all still friends. Also in this episode - a lot of random tangents and a record number of The Simpsons references! Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Hello and welcome to another episode, another week of DoGo on a podcast with me, Dave Warnocky and you, the listener, but also rounding out the trio plus one. You are the plus one. It is Matt Stewart and Jess. Perkins.

Yay. Hey. Hey, welcome to the show, Jess. Thank you, Matt. How are you? Yeah, good, thanks. That's good. Yeah, I feel real good.

Yeah, real good to be in here today. Thanks for the question Without notice, admittedly, so I don't have a pre-p-pur-pura answer But I'll have a stop at it. What was it again? I think I've just,

in one ear out the other. What was, hit me again, and I'll give you, I'll give you an answer. Let's see how we go. And action. How are you? Pass.

Oh, no. Fuck. Say line. Oh, line. Say good. Good. Excellent. All right.

And seen. Thank you. Well, we'll let you know have you got the part. Yeah, thank you. We've got your details. Thanks for having me in anyway. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Okay, great. Oh, that sounds, that sounds positive. Trying to save me 40 cents. Thank you so much. Oh, my goodness. Great. Something, yeah, all right. No, that's good.

I feel good. Do you mind if I hang in for the rest of the... Oh. Because I thought maybe as you see other people, I could maybe give them feedback. Oh, that'd be weird, wouldn't it? And very intimidating. For them.

Oh, true. This is Matt. He's also auditioning for your role. He just wants to watch you to see if you're better than him. No, no, that's not at all what I would be doing. I'd be helping them out. You know, I'd give them notes like, ugh, have a bigger beard and, ugh, be dopeer sounding. You know, stuff about how to get at the top.

Yeah. Top of the game, top of the pile. You were auditioning for the role of beardless hunk. Yeah. Have a bigger beard. I'm confused. Be dopeia. Be depopia.

Yeah. Be less of a hunk. Mm-hmm. If you could be a little more ugly. Yeah. That would help the role. I had an audition earlier this week. Ooh.

Which sounds interesting, but it actually isn't. But the thing that reminded me is that it was me and a guy auditioning together. And he was very good looking. Like, he was very cute. I know that we shouldn't do this, but out of ten. Oh, like an eight. So similar to Matt, in between a Matt and a Dave? Yeah, that sounds right.

In between meeting I'm either a nine. or a 10. Wait, that's not how eight works, Dave. He's the numbers guy. No, no, he's in between Matt and Dave, so you're a seven. Theoretically, he's an eight. Wow. Why did you just decide Matt's a seven?

And what happened with the 10? Anyway, I'm sure you were wrong there. Yeah. It was either a seven or a nine, Dave, and you said a nine or a 10. Look, we're getting bogged down in the numbers game. If I'm above him, and he's an eight, I could be a nine or a 10. Oh, yeah, right. comedically, I'm not a 10

and that's the joke here. But Jess, please go on. Oh, that's why I didn't compute with me because I'm like, yeah, obviously, where's the joke? So, of course, you didn't get it. It was more than, I'm like, I mean, if it was going to be comedic, it had to be some sort of unrealistic stretch.

Again, this is a situation where Dave has a pre-prepared comedy answer. He's got pre-prepared. You brought that in. We discussed it before you got here. Okay. But Matt goes, oh, I mean, wow, this is a good. interesting question. Hang on.

Just let me look at the data on this before I get back to you with a final. Now, I mean, in all the variables. I was taking that very seriously when we were starting to. Talk about a hot guy, which I'd love to talk about. Yeah. Oh, anyway, he's a hunk. So he's TV ugly.

Is it one of those roles? Whenever, I've gone in for a few that are like, supposedly some sort of an ugly character. And then you go, and I've heard other people talk about this. You go in and they're like, it's an ugly guy too. Yeah. For an ad or something, you go in. And you're sitting in the waiting room at the car.

passing it and it's no one else is ugly. Yeah, yeah. Like, these guys aren't ugly. Hey, you're not ugly. Do you want ugly or do you want ugly? No, they want TV ugly, which is beautiful. They don't want, they don't want ugly. They don't want ugly.

No, this guy was not TV ugly. He was TV fine. TV fine. He wasn't a McDreamy. What are we talking Hugh Jackman? No, anyway, it doesn't matter. The point was that he was not a great actor. Okay.

But that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because he's so good looking. Thank you. But I was a better actor than him, better average looking. And also was playing a good. Come on. It's very old on the show for fishing. No, no, no, no, I'm not fishing.

No, I'm not talking. Do you want gross tweets? Are you asking for sleazy tweets? Because you've just, what you've just done is go, hey, everyone out there, any sort of odd balls? Oddballs in their quiet, dark basement bedrooms underneath their mum's house. Just send me a tweet. Tell me I'm pretty.

Yeah. Oh, it's going to happen. Absolutely do not do that. Do not tag me into those tweets. Please don't tag me in. I don't want to see it. Okay, now it's happening and now you're getting tagged in. You fucking idiot

No Don't tag Dave in Oh don't Fuck I was gonna be fine No one was gonna take me Unless they were gonna tell me Am I a 9 or am I a 10 That's the question I want to do

Is it 9 or 10? Answer that But don't talk to me Don't talk to me Never again Because he was not a great actor And you were a great actor Are you thinking that you won't get cast

But he will I wasn't saying that I was a great actor I was saying that I was better than him And he was bad I thought to go to the tape I think I heard the phrase, great actor. I said I was better. I think she even said great actor.

I've forgotten the point of what I was saying now. I don't think there was one. The point is... It's just a brag that I had an audition. The point is, for acting you're a nine or a ten, for looks, I'm a nine or a ten, and for statistics, Matt still has to look at the record because he's not sure yet. No. Can we get those numbers?

Yeah, I'll get them on my desk. My people to call your people. Thank you. You have a desk? Of course I do. Fuck. You're successful. Do you have a desk?

No. There we go. Yeah, you don't. You do, Jess. I know. Here. I have two. I have one at home.

You're sitting at one right now. Yeah, I know. I've got heaps of desks. I'm sitting at a table. You love the desks. What? I was going to say you love the D like it was a D-Shed desk, but then I bailed on it because it would have sounded worse. Can you please edit that out?

No. Sorry. Hey, speaking of desks. Yes. If I may. We actually haven't talked about this. We're doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival. our show's our show's our next month.

How are we going to set that up? Are we going to be sitting at a table? I was thinking that too. I was picturing just, you know, arm chairs. Three or four chairs. Beem bags. On the stage.

Handheld. Handheld. But what about the person doing the report? Yeah, the report. Because usually we sit. On the lap. Well, otherwise you've got a mic right in front of your face. What's the point of going to see someone who you can't see their bloody face?

Yeah, I reckon handholds fine. Especially if you're a nine or a ten. True. And we are? No, Davis. No, I am. Well, you'll be acting, obviously. So that'll be a nine or a ten, apparently.

Matt will be looking at the stats. I'll be, look, I'll be collecting data as we go. When did that happen? I don't become the Dunder guy on the show. But it's going to be weird sitting, because I am technically sitting next to you now, but we're in a round table, so I can see you very clear. Maybe we could do it in the round. Theatre in the round.

Yes. Yes. So Jess is at the, what, front of the audience. Matt's on a flank and I'm on a flank. Well, you've got to give the people what they want And up the back We have some sort of sounded light show I don't mind that idea

I don't mind that idea at all We just sit in the audience Yeah Anyway Just have a chat with our mates You know we can probably figure that out In our own time Yeah, ask the question Jeff

This is the show Where one of us does a report On a topic And this week It is J.P. J.P. The big bopper The big bopper's here

Don't you worry Thank God I know We were patting You were looking Is she here? Is she here? Hang on, keep padding.

Let's roll another clip from a previous episode. So this week I have dipped into the Golden Hat. So for a select group of our Patreon supporters, they get to make a suggestion that we have to pick. We have to. Too bad so sad. We have to. We're contractually obliged.

In many ways, yes. And sometimes it has been too bad so sad, but we did it. We did it. We did it. That's right. So this week I've dipped into the hat and this is going to be quite a fun topic. I will start with a question. I love a fun topic.

Yeah, what's going to be? Yeah, it could be backlash. That's also fun. Oh, wow. Yeah. Will Matt be the good guy and will I be the bad guy? Never. I'm always the heel, Dave.

You know that. And he's the face. Yes. You listened last week. I remember things. A lot of great tweets about the wrestling episodes. So thank you everyone for those. I think I'm a smart mark now.

Is that right? A smart mark? Yeah, they're the ones who, the fans who were someone. Yeah, they're cool people. It turns out we've got a lot of smart mark fans. Cool. So fans made me feel gross. All right, I'm going to be the guy that makes a shemos,

so you don't have to talk about this anymore, Matt. And I kept saying schmose, and it is shemos, isn't it? We told you it was shemoz, and you still said schmose. No, I think I understand this one. Anyway, that was last week. Go back and listen. Let's move on. To the Montreal ScrewDrop, if you want to hear more about that.

Do move on. To this week. So my question for you gentlemen, and once again, we've been doing this for 73 weeks. This is 73, I think. Yeah. A very good year. I should be more prepared and write questions,

but recently I just keep forgetting to write them. So I'm padding. I'd like to think recently, I think if you go back, to every episode you've ever hosted. No, barely. I wrote them. Okay, maybe... And I tried to throw you a, like, a bit of a curveball.

Oh, look, I'm just... I reckon just start a sentence and end it with an upbroad inflection. Well, let's see what happens. That's just the Australian accent. Is that? Oh, that was an excellent question. That's probably a good point. Yeah, that's not a bad point.

I guess you're right. Yeah, there we go. Okay, so, what is... Good. The... wackiest religion. Oh, wow.

Okay, so I once did a comedy festival show with great friends and fellow. Oh, fellow. Fellows, fellow fellows, but also the fellowship of Planet Broadcasting. Yes.

Andy Matthews from Two of the Think Tank and Adam Knox from the Filthy Casuals podcast. We used to do a show called the World Record Show where we broke, made up world records. Sometimes there'd be like fake, fake records. So we did pretend we were going to do the record. So we did cheer for the world's

worst religion. Oh great. We just put the names of religions on the screen. But people started taking it really seriously. We had to bail like three religions in because it looked like... Wait, how does it take it seriously? How do you take it seriously? Because people started like cheering and I could tell you the ones that people were cheering for. Because I'm thinking the wacky, well, the one that got the... Because they're all, they've all got their own wackiness. Totally. I think some of them is just about time. Christianity is pretty wacky.

It's just, it's got a, it's such an old tradition that it. We kind of accept it. Yeah, and it's pretty. What are you thinking, D-Dubs? Well, the one that got the biggest cheer, I would say, and the one that people love to laugh at is Scientology. Yes, that I was. Correct.

So this is a hat, this is a golden hat suggestion from Cameron Weeks. Weeksie. Weeksie. Camsy. Camsy. He doesn't like it when he's got it when he calls it. calling camsie. Well, I am the heel of nicknames.

That's true. You tell me you don't like the nickname. That makes me want to call you it more, mate. That's true. Yeah, because I've always thought of that as a bit of a negative. He's been a bit camsie. Oh, he came on all camsie. Yeah.

But Weeksie. He came on all camsie. Weeksie is strong. And I do not like camsie. No, no, no. So in looking at this topic, so it is, wow. It's Scientology.

but you know how with the Beatles episode we talked about how because it's such an enormous... How Paul was a Scientologist, allegedly, and then died, allegedly. Because it's such an enormous topic, you could almost just take one little thing and talk about it. Well, I started reading about Scientology and ended up getting so engrossed in one specific, like, tangent. Is it the Scion?

Yeah. No, it's the tology. Good, because that sounds more interesting than science. I'm really into the tology. No, I've just got, I got, I got, really, really obsessed with one part of it and ended up basically doing an entire report on this and I hope that's okay with camera weeks. Is it Tom Cruise? It's not Tom Cruise

again, that would be so fucking fancy. Fancy? Fascinating is what I was trying to say. This episode, brought to you by fancy food. Get it at all good restaurants. I worked for a catering company that was called Fancy Foods.

It was called Fancy Foods. Pretty sure I was called Fancy Foods. I just did an ad for a company I didn't know existed seconds earlier. Yeah, probably don't promote their eyes. A little cat or dog food. Cat, I think. Cat.

And... Spons about some specific cat food. They said, oh, you're talking about a religion where they often go after people that talk about them in the media? We'd like to sponsor that episode. We're in. Take all of our money. Oh, dear. Please don't kill Scientology.

This is all in good fun. Are you going to let us know what the specific thing is or we'll figure that out as we can. Well, okay. So, for anybody who's not aware, Scientology is a body of religious beliefs and practices that was created in 1954 by American author El Ron Hubbard. This report is entirely about L. Ron Hubbard. Oh, cool. Right.

And Cameron, like, give me feedback, dude. I'm sorry if you were like, I really want to know specifically about their beliefs. I thought it was going to be some weird obscure thing. You're doing it about the guy. It's like, I'm not doing it about Christianity. I'm doing about Jesus. I'm so sorry. I'm not going to know it.

I won't talk about Mark or Matthew. But I'm not going to talk about Tom Cruise, and I'm not going to talk about some other things. It might come up. Do you refuse to mention Tom Cruise? No, it's not that I refuse. It's just that this is sort of the tangent I went up because so much of this is so funny. Wait, was the pretty guy in the auditioned Tom Cruise? The guy that couldn't act.

Yeah, it was Tom Cruise. Didn't I mention that when I told the story earlier that you kept interrupting because you constantly talk over me. Is that? Did I not mention that it was Tom Cruise? I get excited when you're around. I want to talk. Over you. Over you.

I want to silence you with my own words. Is that... And then I have to sit here and smile politely while you just keep talking. And sometimes I just continue to finish my sentence because I think maybe he'll hear that I'm talking. But you just keep going like a steamroller. You're steamrolling over. Yeah? Maddie.

Is this all an act? Because you are a nine out of ten actor. Yeah, that was... And seen. Oh, she's done it again. Oh, I blacked out. What happened? Matt's crying.

What happened, Maddie? That was... That was a beautiful portrayal of a person who... Who hates mansdew. Who really dislikes me and my very essence of being an asshole. It was just a portrayal. Oh, it was a portrayal. Because at first I thought it was a betrayal.

No. Different. Right. So, yeah, I'm going to be talking about L. Ron Hubbard. Great name. Very good name. Now, El Ron. L.

Is it? The letter L. the word Ron or is it E L Ron one word? It is letter L full stop, Ron Hubbard. It's weird. It's weird. Do you want to guess? Do you want to guess his first initial? I think I know it. It's not a common name at all. Okay.

I was going to guess Liam, Luke, Larry, Leonard, Lycott, Liecart, Lie Cart, Lichtenstein Leaping. Leapin Ron Hubbard. Is that it? I knew it. I knew it. You got it.

Hi, Jumped. When he was in your town. Do you think you know it? I think it's something French. Oh. La Ron Hubbard. Lafayette. Yes, very good, Dave.

You should have seen him. He closed his eyes. Yeah, that was really dramatic. It was like his brain sort of hovered above or connected to the cloud, maybe. I had to think about that, that guy that was in both the Civil War in the U.S. and the French Revolution. I've already forgotten what it was. Lafayette. Lafayette.

Well done, Dave. And also the Paris department store. Mm. Good for you, well done. Is that why he initialised it? No, I think, well, in the way other people speak of him, they do tend to call him Ron a bit. Ronnie.

But anyway, so, after establishing a career as a writer, becoming best known for his science fiction and fantasy stories, he developed a system called Dianetics, which was first put into book form in May of 1950. He then developed his idea into a wide-ranging set of doctrines and as part of his new religious movement that he called Scientology. His writings became the guiding text for the Church of Scientology and a number of affiliated organizations.

Now, the church's spreading of these writings led to Hubbard being listed by the Guinness Book of World Records as the most translated and published author in the world. In 2014, he was started by the Smithsonian Magazine as one of the 100 most significant Americans of all time. Of all time! as one of the 11 religious figures on that list. One of the 100 significant Americans of all time. 11 religious figures out of 100.

What other American religious figures are there? Do not. Martin Luther King, was he a religious figure? Jesse Jones. Jesse James. Jesse Hogan. Jesse Perkins. Yeah, who's the church guy?

Jesse Jackson. Oh my God. Stop. I vote one of these is true. If you keep saying that. Statistically, one will be right. You're the stats, man. One of them is a young full forward for the Melbourne Football Club.

But, you know, the others, I reckon, could have been a chance. I'm sure Joseph Smith, the Mormon founder. Well, not founder, but the guy that translated Mormon tablets. Yeah, might have been there. Yeah, I don't have the list. Or Kellogg, the Conflx guy. He was a religious guy. Was he?

Oh, that changes the complex. What about the Amish guy? Yeah, he was like a real. apparently it was a real Bible basher sort of, you know, and he invented corn flakes. It was for something like to stop kids masturbating. It worked. It's the worst loob you ever come to.

It's very stretchy. Because before that, a common breakfast cereal was... Before that, people used to eat... The teens found a very popular to eat Vaseline for breakfast. and it was just like, you know, every breakfast table was a rockin. It would separate. Was that someone eating Vaseline?

What are they doing with Vaseline over there? And Kellogg was like, I'm going to put some conflict with that, man. Why are you doing a hand gesture then? It's a podcast, man. Nobody can see you except me. and I don't feel comfortable now. Yeah, honestly, Dave, you should pull, pull back. What about Billy Graham?

Not pull back like that, Dave. What about Billy Graham? Who's Billy Graham? That famous. Famous, so far famous. That famous? I mean, I'd argue not that famous. If you're, you don't know who he is

and you mention him. Is it a Christian evangelist? Okay. Evast. How do you say that? Evangelist. Here's the thing. We don't have the list so we can speculate all we like or we can just do go on.

Phil Collins. I was listening to Phil Collins today. Fabulous. Did you feel it coming to the night? I did. I turned it up really loud because I was home alone. He did do, do, do, do, do, do, do. He does say, oh, Lord in that song.

Oh, no. I was singing it because, you know, the Genesis song, um, Salisbury Hill. That's the guy from Genesis, right? The other guy. Peter Gabriel. Peter Gabriel. Is that right? I don't know.

I was thinking that there's a. Genesis, anyway, we're getting fucking wild track. But there was a Genesis song. You say we're going off track and then you keep talking. Oh, there we go. Again, just talking over me. Go on. I'm going to make a supercut of you talking over me.

Yeah, you'll be... And whoever does the report always gets talked over. You'll be stretched for content on that supercut there, mate. Stretched? Oh, man. You don't even know, do you? Not with these cornflakes. Last week's episode, I had to edit out.

One time me trying to start a sentence four times and you jump on her right. Was I doing it on purpose? To fuck with you? Probably not. No. Can we save this fight for off air? Can I just say, can I just say, do-d-d-d-d-do-do-do-d-d-d-d-do-d-do-d-go on. That was very good.

Okay, so although many aspects of Hubbard's life story are disputed, there's a general agreement about some of the basics, right? So he was born in Tilden, Nebraska in 1911. I was about to say 9-11, 1911. Quite an okay year. Oh, interesting. Interesting. I like that.

Did not want to take your catchphrase. I like that. Okay. He spent much of his childhood in Montana and he traveled in Asia and the South Pacific. He tried to get Matt to say Montana. Montana. Sorry, one more. Montana.

A bit slower. Montana. You slowed it down like 8%. I heard the difference. I heard the difference. 50. 50, okay. Montana.

That wasn't correct. That was like 30. Montana. Nailed it 50 right there. There it is. Beautiful. It sounded weird that time. It did.

He traveled a bit in Asia and where, Matt? In Asia. But we just don't want to offend, you know, People from different countries, so we want Matt to say it correctly. You know, it's always when people say like Canberra, our capital wrong. So if people are Asia. Asia. Obviously, I can't say.

Fashion. Like, I'm offending people, but it's great that Matt, we've got the official spokesman. Asian fashion. Asian fashion. Pleased to go off. Thank you. So he traveled in Asia and the South Pacific in the late 1920s after his father, an officer in the United States Navy, was posted to the U.S. naval base

on Guam. He attended George Washington University in Washington, D.C. at the start of the 1930s, before dropping out and beginning his career as a prolific writer of pulp fiction stories. I'll talk a bit more about that later as well, though. He served briefly in the United States Marine Corps and was an officer of the United States Navy during World War II, briefly commanding two ships. He was removed both times when whose superiors found him incapable of command.

Hey, mate, you can't command this one ship. So how about you command? two ships. Double the workload. Maybe we'll double your skills. Incorrect. Did not work. Actually, no, we need double the workload, but triple your skills because you couldn't even do the first ship. Triple it from nothing.

Triple three times nothing. Look, mate, we haven't done the maths here, but we've lost a lot of soldiers. We need you to take care of the statsman. So he's not capable of commanding a ship, but apparently he's capable of starting a religion. A bit more about him. So he studied civil engineering during his two years at George Washington University. That's sort of like the insistence of his father, who decreed that I should study engineering and mathematics. While he did not graduate from George Washington, his time there subsequently became important because, as someone wrote,

many of his researchers and published conclusions have been supported by his claims to not only be a graduate engineer, but a member of the first United States course in formal education in what, It was today called nuclear physics. Right, but he didn't finish. No. Scientology accounts say that he studied nuclear physics at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. Before he started, his studies about the mind, spirit and life. And Hubbard himself stated that he set out to find out from nuclear physics

a knowledge of the physical universe. However, his university records indicate that his exposure to nuclear physics consisted of one class in atomic and molecular phenomena, which earned him an effort. Great. Is that good? Oh, I don't know, Maddie. Effer fabulous.

F a... Fuck. That's a second. Yeah, fuck. Good job. No good. Oh, yeah. That's what I thought.

Effer fuck. You don't need to do the other classes. That was so good. Fuck, you're the professor now. I like how his dad decreed it. It'd be hard to go, Dad. I know you've decreed me to do this, but I've got other ideas.

I think as soon as someone says, I'd strongly suggest, you'd go, look, sorry. Oh, you decree it. Oh, I'm in. Okay. Oh, I guess there's no other option. A decree is big. Yeah.

I've never been decreed anything. Would you... Decreed gets degrades. Oh, boy. See, that wouldn't make... That's not a commonly known phrase either, because we would say P's get degrees. Isn't that a commonly known phase? Well, I'm thinking, like, internationally.

I think, I thought it was D's degrees. Well, that's true, too. mate yeah. P's are just a pass. Oh sorry, D4 as in the ABCD-EF scale. Oh no.

Yeah, yeah. You're scraping through. D's get degrees. But in university we would say P's get degrees because it's a pass. And also, people ate a lot of P's to get through exam times.

What sort of grading system did you have? I think it was just A2. Oh, interesting. In university. Oh, you went to like Beauvine University or something. Bovine University. What was the motto of your university? Did you not go to a real university?

Did you go to an online university? No, I went to a rural university. Did you? Yeah. Latrobe University. I think the, what was the motto, Fiddliest quo for Tiddlius? That's not real.

Which, Jess, if that, you were the Latin expert on it. A strength through something. Fiddle those titties, I think. What was it? What was it? Piddle those titties, I think. That's all in there. All right.

Even their motto is not sure of itself. Latrobe University. Remember, I'm the master on the podcast. All right, mate. You got a master's? Yeah. And I got occasional days. You got occasional dives.

All right, Jess. We don't have to do it. What about your classes? Yeah. Distinctions. Got a high distinction for a literature class. Didn't read a single book. It's all that bullshit.

And now I do a podcast. Hey. I can draw a line, I think, between this. We're all doing well. Man, I'm bullshitting. my way through this too. There's nothing on the page. Just says believe in yourself.

And to do. It's working. Are you doing Luke McGregor? That was a Luke McGregor joke, wasn't it? I didn't mean to. But I realised after I'd said it, I was like, oh, hang on. Oh, that's a McGregor joke. Sorry, Luke, I assume you're listening.

Well, I mean, the numbers pretty much suggest everyone is. Everyone's listening. That's weird that we can hit, Dave, how many in the world at the moment? Seven and a half billion. Seven and a half billion, weekly. So, yeah. The population clock goes up and. So to the stats.

It's amazing. As they're born, they listen. Yeah. They're given an iPhone and... Subscription. Often as they die, they listen as well.

Yeah. Makes you think. It's the first and last thing. Bye, Teresa. There she goes. TikTok. Another one, go on. Later's Marcel, Marceau.

Impro. Impro. Yeah. But welcome, Kevin. Improop, improm, yeah. That's always been my mantra. Or mantra? Your mantra.

It's written on my wall. And my ceiling. And mine's just believing yourself. Anyway. So you're again being confused with... Oh, that's Luke McGregor. That's right. Yeah, no, I do apologize.

So that sort of thing where he has said one thing and the facts say something else. That's going to be a recurring threem through this entire report. Oh, a dream. It's fine. I thought maybe I got away with it. A recurring threem. There's that threem again. Oh no, the photocopy is down.

Just get another threem of paper. Ah, that was karma because Matt got shitty. The only reason I brought it up, yeah. I was it prepared to let it go. Thank you. And you've really banged on about it hard. I did last night. Was it, um, occurrence?

Yeah. O'Colors. Accurrence, yeah. Well, you said it funny. Anyway, this is going to be a recurring theme. Oh, interesting. Through this report. So, he's at university.

Scientologists claim that he was more interested in extracurricular. activities, particularly writing and flying. Sounds like banging. Flying. Banging. Extra curricular activity sounds like banging. Sounds like getting d's. Getting D's.

And degrees. Not getting degrees. You didn't do many extracurricular activities at school, did you? You went to Latrobe. I don't know if they... Did they have any of you? Even like high school. Like musicals or sports.

All I know about La Trobe is it's like a coal power, coal-fired power plant. That's the Latrobe Valley. That's all I know about it. So you were learning about coal? Well, yes. I went to Deacon. Nobody knows anything about that place. Yeah, I went to the day.

It's all about the day. I'm all about the day. I thought it was about the dean. Oh, Deacon. There we go. You deed the dean? No, how do you think I passed? Anywho.

Wow. You got to sleep your way all to the top. Yeah, the top to get an arts degree. Not even, I didn't even pass with distinction. I just got given an arts degree. If I sit with a dean, I'd want to be like a doctor or something. Yeah, you'd want a good degree. Of podcasting.

Yeah. Well, that was one. It was one... You were nearly there. One session away. Anyway, so he's more interested in other things than his classes. What were you saying he's actually interested in? Pardon me.

Writing and flying. According... What's that kite flying? Well, according to church materials, he earned his wings as a pioneering barnstormer at the dawn of American aviation and was recognised as one of the country's most outstanding pilots. With virtually no training time,

he takes up powered flight and barnstorms. throughout the Midwest. I don't know what barnstorms are. Please don't ask me. That's a great term. His Airman certificate, however, record... This isn't a quote.

I was still talking like it was a quote. His actual certifications, however, records that he qualified to fly only gliders rather than powered aircrafts and gave up his certificate when he could no longer afford the renewal fee. Wow. Right?

So they're like, he's probably one of the best pilots the world was ever seen. And they're like, I don't know, he can sort of move around up a glider a bit. That's something. Well, this does sound like a guy has been put on earth by some sort of greater power. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But haven't we all?

And, um... Yeah. So, he's still got training wheels in the air. Yeah, pretty much, yeah. And they're like... Training wing, going. They're talking him up. Like, he's a big dog, but he's a little dog.

He's a tiny dog. He's sounding more and more Kim Jong ill. Ooh. Kim Jong fully sick. A bit of a... Kim Jong fully sick. Worth repeating. Yeah, not my best.

Anyway, so he became a well-known and prolific writer for Pulp Fiction Magazine. Hang, is this true now? I'm not sure. This is true. Okay. During the 1930s. So, again, Scientology texts describe him as becoming well-established as an essayist. He wrote the Encyclopedia Britannica.

He wrote everything. He wrote the Bible and then said it was wrong. Sorry, got it wrong. Even before he'd concluded college, Scientology saying he's already a well-established writer. Scientology claims that he solved his finances and his desire to travel by writing anything that came to hand and that he earned an astronomical rate of pay for riding. I love a religion that brags about the cash that the leaders bringing it.

He was living very comfortably indeed. He could afford to stay in a three-star hotel. He wasn't backpacking. We should follow this man. We should learn from him. So his literary career began with contributions to the George Washington University student newspaper, which was called the University Hatchet as a reporter for a few months in 1931. So six of his pieces were published during 1932 and 1933.

The going rate for freelance writers at the time was only a cent a word. So Hubbard's total earnings for these articles would have been less than $100. But they're like, he was comfortable. Hatchet. The Hatchet. Is that an ironic name? Because that's like a negative term, like a hatchet. job on a journalist on a hatchet job is like poor journalism right yeah that's true

I don't know a very interesting question Matt thanks for asking and uh we'll I don't know and I have a journalism degree is that is that not a term I'm not I've not heard it okay great but I never pursued the journalism thing hey what are you doing right now oh no this isn't journalism you got in the journalism's back door oh don't talk about the Don't talk about journalism's backdoor like that. Hang on. So you got in the Dean and then the journalism's back door. It was a wild time. Wow.

Hedy days. My university days. I was finding myself. Wow, Dee get to green. Where were you? At the D. At the D. The back door D.

I was at the, scratching at the back door. Let me in. Dean, let me in. I'm locked out. I left my pants inside. Oh, dear Go away, just, go away My wife's up

My wife's my own Okay, all right What a plot twist here It was a young dean And we were very much in love Not of the crusty old deans I've met No, no, no, no No, no

The crusty old dean He was a young, sexy dean That's one of my favourite Ungoing Simpsons joke Where he goes back to college And he hates the dean He's a cool guy He's like, hey guys, you've ever wanted to chill out and play hacky sack?

Or just jam, I used to be the bass player and the pretenders. He's like that crusty old joke. Oh, Jess, I wish you banged that day. Oh, I'm so sorry that I didn't. Okay, so back to, off Jess talking, just banging things. Back to Hubbard. The dean was a hubbid. Hubby.

Hubby. Hubby material. But I wanted to just be free. Oh, God. Elron sounds like hubby material because he's earning an astronomical amount of money. 100 cents. Well, it's interesting that you say that, David, because Hubbard's literary earnings helped him to support his new wife. New.

Margaret, Polly, Grub. I don't know where Polly comes from. Grub is. Maybe the best surname. Bloody grub. Married a grub. Yeah, it's pretty great. I can't wait to join the grubs for dinner.

So Polly was already pregnant when they married on the 13th of April, 1933. That was kind of him to marry someone else is pregnant. Your friend? I paused for you to say a good year, but that was better. A good... A good deed. A good deed. A good deed. A good deed. A good deed.

A good day. D does not go unrewarded. Oh boy. With an unplanned pregnancy. But she unfortunately had a miscarriage shortly afterwards and a few months later she became pregnant again. In 1934 she gave birth to a son who was named Lafayette, Ronald Hubbard Jr. And the nickname, his nibs, invariably shorned to nibs.

What? So the nick, I don't know. His nibs. Is that one word? His, no two words. His nibs. Then they just called him nibs. I don't know where Nibs comes from, but I fucking love it.

Nibbs sounds like a guy who lives in the attic. Nibsy. And you feed him a bucket of fish. Heads. All right, it's your turn to feed Nibs. You take what you're giving, Nibbs. I wonder how many Simpsons references we can squeeze in today. Quite a few. I think we're up to four.

Dave, any updates on the Simpsons episode? The pressure is building online. Yeah, it's huge. really calling for it, which is too much pressure. I can't handle it. Fuck you. Sorry, said that out loud. Just saying what everyone's thinking, Dave.

Fuck you. Anyway, so Hubbard joins the Navy in 1941. Just like Homer did. In 1941. Whatever you said, I was going to try and shoot on something. It kind of work. Scientology texts say that he returned from the war blinded with injured optic nerves

and lame with physical injuries to hip and back and was twice pronounced dead. However, his medical records state that he was hospitalised with an acute stomach ulcer rather than a war injury. It's weird that usually, like obviously they make up brags about people

but to say that he had a bad back and bad hips and nearly died. Twice. I think that's saying war hero, but he did die. He did die. At the Lazarus moment. And he'd gone blind. The dying thing, but like, he had a dodgy hip.

But they're all like biblical miracles, right? Mm-hmm. Giving people their sight back, coming back from the dead, having improved hip flexibility. They were all, I think Jesus gave people all of those. Yeah, I remember that. Proving people's calcium band density. Remember that time at the Gardner, Bethesemite?

I can't remember what that. Bethesmini. When Jesus gave Tiffany, improved hip movement. I do remember that. And then she was able to perform at the dance concert that night. Yeah, she shimmied all the way to the top. Good for Tiffany. It was one of my favorite chapters of the Bible.

What chapter was that? 22B. 22B. No, no, 2022B. Jesus and the babysitters club go to the disco. My favorite. So probably, this is probably a little, needs to be backdated, but there will be some blasphemy in this episode. Oh, a whole bunch.

I'm so sorry. Sorry. Jesus. Sorry, everybody. Okay, so on October and October, in 1945, in October, the naval board found that Hubbard was considered physically qualified to perform duty ashore, preferably within the continental, United States. So he was discharged from hospital and transferred to inactive duty in 1946. And he resigned from his commission with effect in 1950. The Church of Scientology says he quit because the US Navy attempted to monopolise all his research and force him to work on a project

to make man more suggestible. And when he was unwilling, they tried to blackmail him by ordering him back to active duty to perform this function, having many friends. friends, he was able to instantly resign from the Navy and escape this trap. The Navy said in 1980 that there is no evidence on record of an attempt to recall him to active duty. They're like... A look at a squeeze in, and he had many friends. Yeah. Very popular.

Heaps of friends. So the research they're talking about there is kind of what leads on to his, um, uh, dionetics research. Right, but he, they, he thinks that they were trying to make him make men more suggestible and easy on the eye. Hmm. Can you suggest these men Any potential young suitors? Yeah. What are you saying, Dave?

Hey, do it or I'll blackmail you. Okay. All right. That's my blackmail. Do it, or I'll initiate the blackmailing. You don't even want to hear what I've got on you. It's crazy. If I said it to you, die.

Oh, quick. That would leave me in all sorts of situations. Bad ones. Heaps of them. So his life on. to win a turbulent period immediately after the war. According to his own account, he was abandoned by family and friends as a supposedly hopeless cripple and a probable burden upon them for the rest of my days.

His daughter Catherine presented a different version. She said that his wife, Polly, so her mother had refused to uproot their children from their home in Washington to join him in California, and he chose to stay in California alone. Right, so he's kind of separated from his family. At this stage, Polly and he had two kids. So in August of 1945, he moved into the Pasadena mansion of John Jack Whiteside Parsons. A leading rocket propulsion researcher at the California Institute of Technology

and a founder of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Parsons led a double life as an avid occultist, which is like the study of magic, alchemy, astrology, spiritualism. Not one of those casual occult. He was avid. He was avid, but it was a double life. Avid, but also part-time. Part-time.

You can only do it on Saturdays and Sundays, and Mondays after six. And a thelamite. Have you heard of thelamites at all? It's like a, it's culty. It feels quite culty. It's a, um, uh, a follower of... Do you think of the caeat? Okay, good.

You got them. You cut me off at the pass. They're the... They're the things that, no. Incorrect. A phthalamite, the follower of the English Ceremmas. Marlonial magician Alistair Crowley Crowley and leader of the lodge of Crowley's magical order

which was Audot Templi Orentis Please translate Jess Order of the Temple of the East or Order of Oriental Templars Really weird right so I wonder if that's the Mr Crowley from the Ozzy Osborne song Mr Crowley Probably, interesting yeah And that would be the kind of thing you'd sing about You're thinking it's stalactites

Sorry. And also Stelik Mites. And Magic Mike, XXL. A great film. Your favourite film, I believe you said off air one time. What is it? Oh, no, I know what it is.

It's a movie. I haven't seen it, but I reckon it would be if I had. Yeah. That's why I'm saving it. No, you got it. You must. Because I don't want to live.

Save it for your 40s. Otherwise, you know, what's left to live for. Now I'll always. always have it to look forward to. I don't want to see that in my rearview mirror. I just be like, oh, remember that day that I saw that movie, that was the best clue of the best ever? Yeah, good call.

I don't want to live in that world. You can't. And you can't make me. You mustn't. And I won't. I don't care what you say. Oh, I actually know what you mean because I feel like I wish I could go back having not seen any of the Poirotreau episodes.

Sure. When I know who the killer is now? Murder on the Nile? Oh, please. Death on the Nile. Fuck. You idiots. I fucked it.

fucking idiot. But there are, or there is, a murder. Most foul? Yes, it is foul. And genius. Chickens. What, yeah, they murder a chicken, eat it, and then a human dies. Food poisoning, it's horrible.

With the protein they gain from the chicken. They summon up the power to stab a guy. Fascinating. Right in front of the camera. It was an open shot case. And I wish I could go back to the time just before I saw that happen. So you could relive it or so you could stop it? Stop the murder

I wish I could go back in time And stop the death on the Nile Yeah Well I wish you could too Dave Yeah I mean innocent people died Innocent fictional characters Were they innocent?

Oh Okay plot twist To be honest Absolutely no idea No idea Don't care Don't have any care at all Nah I'd like to go on

Well Let me set the seat Oh no So far as been invited You're thinking of stalactites Please actually do go on Okay So he's moved into this house

A mansion And the guy Parsons So Jack Parsons He only let rooms in the house To tenants Who he specified Should be atheists And those of a bohemian disposition

So it's Matt we're in He's in this You're atheists and bohemians Bohemian Bohemian Rhapsody Yeah Yeah

Yeah Do you know all the lyrics To that song that hasn't been written yet. Are you an atheist, Dave? It's a very personal question. Please do go on, Jess. I want to leave the mystery there.

I don't want to know. Nod or shake your head so that we know. I'm closing my eyes. I never want to know. Well, Dave's also closed his eyes. That's weird. It's not helping. And he's also still not doing anything with his head.

He's just still there with his eyes closed now. I pray to the stalactites. Ah, interesting. Okay. Stellic tight, stalact. May you, Stellic, might. My dreams come true tonight. Good bless me. Good bless me.

Good bless me is the best thing you're going to sing. I thought you're going to sing, stalactite, stalactite bakers man. That was going to, that was the funny twist I put in. I made everyone think I was going to say that weird thing you said. And then I, when you thought I was going to zig, I bloody zagged. Hey, Jess, please to go on. What's going off the rails? He befriended Parsons and soon became sexually involved with Parsons' 21-year-old girlfriend, Sarah Betty Northup.

No, why does nobody go by their name? Yeah, what an interesting time. Sarah's a nice name. Jess Pop Perkins is interesting, isn't it? Matt Sugar Tits, Stuart. Dave Golden Tonsles. Oh, yeah, right. Have we, I think we've probably mentioned that in our group chat on Facebook we now have nicknames.

Have we? Yeah. We've got nicknames on our group chat. Yeah, yours is big balls. Because you can't see your own. You can't see your own. Do I know it? Yeah, you're golden tonsils.

Oh, fuck, you're on him. And I'm Bop, which makes that. It's the least offensive. Big Boles. Like, it's so good when it's a notification of my phone says, Big Boles has messaged podcast of dreams. I'm like, that's just a great sentence. I hope that is sitting on the, like, the bar table when you're on a date or something.

And they just go, oh, okay, interesting little insight there. Who's big balls? And why is he saying something about... Something about... Hope the date's going. going well, because you would say someone like that, because you're a very supportive friend. Yeah, super supportive.

Anyway, so now he's he is involved with his new friend's girlfriend. Betty. Betty. Despite this, Parsons was very impressed with Hubbard and reported to Crowley. Hmm, good technique. Oh, gross. This is something that he said.

It's very impressed. Oh, no. This is amazing. So Hubbard is a gentleman. He has red hair, green eyes, is honest and intelligent. And we have become great friends. He moved him with me about two months ago and although Betty and I are still friendly she has transferred her sexual affection to Ron. Oh my God.

It's fucked right? This is starting to sound little Charles Mansonie. Although he has no formal training in magic, Magic with a K, he has an extraordinary amount of experience and understanding in the field. From some of his experiences, I deduced that he is in direct touch with some higher intelligence, possibly his guardian angel. He described his angel as a beautiful winged woman with red hair, whom he has. He calls the Empress and who has guided him through his life and saved him many times.

He is the most Thelmic, Thelmic person I've ever met and is in complete accord with our own principles. Are you in love with him? What was that transaction about the sexual... Yeah, she has transferred her sexual affection to run. That is the coldest way I've ever heard that described. We are still friendly, but she has transferred her sexual affection elsewhere. Transferred her sexual affection. Isn't that weird?

That's something, yeah, like a lawyer saying. It's like he's fine with it. Sounds like she's changed banks. Yeah. I would not be fine with that. She was on hold for 40 minutes to get that through. But she did it. Yeah.

Worth it. It's always worth it. Finally that I go, she withdrew her final dollar last week and put it into Ron. I'm closing my sexual account with you, sir. How weird is that? I wish you all the best. You found a lower interest rate. So on the 10th of August in 1946, Hubbard bigomously married Sarah.

while still married to Polly. It wasn't until the next year... So is Sarah Betty? Betty. Yeah, sorry, Betty. It was not until the next year... You can call me, Betty. In 47, that his wife, his first wife, learned that he'd remarried.

He agreed to divorce Polly in June that year, and the marriage was dissolved shortly afterwards, and Polly was given custody of the children. So I don't think... It was estranged from his first two kids for a while. I think he reconnects with his son later. Anyway. It's strange. I wonder if that's, like, the...

That's what the Guns and Roses song was about. Oh, my God. And the Simpsons. I wonder if you described it as his children had transferred their guardianship over to another dad. Page 4 of 11, boys. So after... Wow, this guy's a real crazy guy. After Hubbard's wedding to Betty, they settled in Laguna Beach in California,

where he took a short-term job looking after a friend's yacht before resuming his fiction writing to supplement a small disability allowance that he was receiving as a war veteran. That's awesome. To be on an allowance, which I imagine is quite small, to be living on a yacht. I was looking after it.

I don't know where they're living. He's like Marissa's dad on season two of the O.C. Is that Laguna Beach? No, that's the O.C. Great. Do it go on. It's Laguna Beach. That's a different show, right?

Yeah, that's a reality show. Do you think the OC was a reality show? Wasn't it? You're thinking of real housewives of the OC? Yeah, there you go. Your favourite show. But that's the one with Sandy Cohen, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. By day. Yep. And by night, it's the same. Only it's darker. It's night. So he doesn't surf as much.

He just has dinner. The fan. And he maintains the same identity, I guess. Oh. Is that the one? Do you maintain the same identity day and night? No, no, no, no. But Sandy does.

Sandy does. That's the, that's the quirky thing about him. That's why the people loved him, and found him magnetic to watch. Not my words. Whose words? Well, I think they're just old English words that have been around for quite a while. Can I say? Yeah.

Can I ask you to? Because if I don't say this, people will tweet in and complain that we didn't say, do go wrong. Oh, very good. Very good. I love it when people will point one out later and we're like, oh, fuck. How did you miss it? Yeah, you missed out on this.

Classic gag. You were talking about shit for 10 minutes and nobody said poo go on. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yes, okay, do go Ron. Very good. So he's riding again and he was working from a trailer in a run-down area of North Hollywood. He's given up the yacht lifestyle for a rundown trailer.

He wasn't living on the yacht. He was looking after a yacht. So his trailers parked next to a yacht and he's just sort of looking. Who says, you can't commute to work, Dave? A couple of times a day. Had we get here tonight, champ? I don't live in the studio or next door to it, do I? You fucking idiot.

I live on the other side of the city. I drive across. I don't know. We don't talk outside of the podcast. That's true. I don't know anything about you. I think actually K-Fabe says that we all live in a bunk bed here. Yeah, that's right.

K-Fabe. Kay-Fabe. Did I say K-Babe? No. No, you said K-Fabe. Okay, good. You said it right for the first time because you said it wrong every single time last week. It was a hard way to remember, but I've...

But you remember it now. Now I've got it. K-Fab is that we all live here in bunk beds and matching pyjamas. I may have just added that bit. So he sold a number of science fiction stories and he still sort of remained short of money and his son, L. Ron Hubbard Jr. testified later that Hubbard was... Big nubs.

Big old nibs. He testified later that his dad was dependent on his own father and Polly's, his first wife's parents, for money. And his writing, which was paid at a penny per word, never really garnered him more than, say, $10,000 prior to founding Scientology. So he never made him. made a lot of money. I like in the justice reality that $10,000 isn't a lot of money.

And this is what the 1950s? Is that enough? Well, no, but now, because I forget that you're in Hollywood now, and that's probably, I'm a nine, I'm a nine out of bed. I'm a ten actor. Yeah. I don't get out of bed for less than a mill. Bloody hell, that is a lot of money.

And you won't get out of bed for it. Yeah. What have you got to take a piss? I won't. I want a million dollars for it. I won't. I'm on the phone of my agent. I like, I'm bust.

You've got to get me a deal. Get me in there. I need, I just want to go to the kitchen to get some breakfast. Million dollars transferred in the next five minutes. Thank you. Otherwise. When I play Candy Crush until, uh, look at the little notifications, like, do it. You got a million dollars.

I'm like, all right, well, and I can start my day. All right. I'm going to go masturbate with cornflict. That's how I start my day. I have to leave the bed for that. The complex are in the kitchen, mate. Yeah, I'll go get them. Grow up day.

Keep him in my bedside drawer. Oh, you would, you perv. That is very pervy, Dave. Yeah, that's so Warnocky. Keep cornflakes. Come on, mate. Keep your sex stuff in the kitchen like everyone else. Keep it in the pantry.

That's what I always say. Keep it in the pants. Keep it in the pantry. He does always say that. In the bedroom, keep it above the belt. Above the butt. Above the belt. You definitely said above the butt.

In the kitchen. Below the butt. No butt stuff out of the kitchen. Where do you? Well, I mean, it's below the butt. or above where's the butt? When does butt come in? What room is that?

Halfway between the kitchen and my bed. So, okay, in my house, that's like a hallway. Yeah, that's the butt zone. That's the butt zone. This lovely property has two bedrooms, one bathroom and one butt zone. Oh, we were really looking for a two-butzone house, but I suppose we could renovate. Well, they are thinking of putting a butt zone out the back. Oh.

They have the zoning permits. Oh, very good. Council is approved. How big a butt zone? Unconditionally. it will be a six square meter butt zone. Oh, perfect. Two stories.

Two story of butt zone? Darling, do you think? Oh, honey, we must. Yes. We'll take it. We'll take it. Thank you. Would you like to celebrate in the butt zone with me?

With the traditional butt zone ceremony. I can't fully picture what's happening in the butt zone. That's what I'm going to say on my date. Would you like to celebrate in the butt zone? I will message. I will message. Big balls.

Big balls. Podcasts and Drew. Oh, big balls. So I just got. I've got to take this. Big balls just letting me know, yeah, always celebrating the butt zone, and we're welcome to come.

Oh, no. Okay. Jess, please to go up. I've got a lot more to go. So, he's saying that he's making, he's supporting himself with writing, but other people suggesting, not the case. He repeatedly wrote to the Veterans Administration,

the VA, asking for an increase in his war pension. In October of 47, he wrote, this is a quote, after trying and failing for two years to regain my equilibrium in civil life, I'm utterly unable to approach anything like my own competence. Anyway, it's probably all a bit sad and a bit weird, but he's basically saying like, they kind of said I should maybe see a psychologist,

but I didn't, and I was a bit proud, and now it's like, I've got to deal with some staff, and I'm still not up to working, so can I have more money? And they gave him more money, but his money problems still continue. In 1948, he was arrested in California and subsequently pleaded guilty to a charge of petty theft, for which he was ordered to pay a $25 fine. Oh, this is, the cycle continues.

I would thieve if all I had to do was pay $25. If I got caught. He got caught stealing $30. So he still $5 up? Still up. This is awesome. Pretty good. Petty, he sold the petty.

And back then, petty meant $30. $30, slang term. That was the start at the time. That's that six? No. Now again, according to the Church of Scientology, around this time, he accepted an appointment as a special police officer with the Los Angeles Police Department

and used a position to study society's criminal elements and also worked with neurotics from the Hollywood's film community. Oh, you're one of those. Yeah, but I never worked with him. Great. So he's just got a job with the police? Yeah. Well, that's what Scientology is saying.

Oh, sorry, I missed that little. Right. You missed the start of the sentence. But in reality, what's the reality? Reality is, no, he didn't do anything. The reality is, you're still in the trailer? Wait, so you're believing what, your sources of the Encyclopedia Britannica or some shit over a holy text, the Scientology.com.com.

Who sided you on? Well. You're never sure, are you? No. I'm a flipper, I'm a flipper. Yeah. You are. I'm a big fan of the bopper. That's, if you'd let me finish.

I, well. loved that rhyme more than anything ever. I'm a flipper, I'm a flopper. I'm the big fan of the bopper. That's on my team stone. That's great. Turning over my grave. Flipping and flopping.

Flipping. Still bopping. Spoppin. That's weird. In late 48, he and his wife moved to Savannah in Georgia. Again, Scientology sources say that he volunteered his time in hospitals and mental wards, saving the lives of patients with his counselling techniques. That's a great guy.

It does sound good. Hubbard began to make the first public mentions of what was to become Dianetics. So he wrote in January, 1949, that he was working on a book of psychology about the cause and cure of nervous tension, which he was going to call the Dark Sword Excalibur or Science of the Mind. I like the Dark Sword Excalibur. Yeah, it sounds like it's an evil thing. Excalibur is fun to say. Have a go.

Excalibur. Very good, Dave. Scalibur. Better when Matt did it. Yeah. You said it in a disappointed way, though? Oh, better than Matt said it. In April of 1949, Hubbard wrote to several professional organizations to offer his research.

None were interested. So he turned to his editor, John W. Campbell, who was more receptive due to a longstanding fascination with fringe psychologists and psychic powers. So he's like, yeah, okay, this sounds interesting. Psychology of the fringe. The front bit of your haircut. Yeah. He's really into it.

Bangs, Americans would call it. That would have been way more efficient than the front bit of your haircut. All right, look. Future Jess, just cut out everything I've said today, please. And Future Jess, leave it all in. So Campbell invited Hubbard and Betty to move into a cottage at Bayhead, New Jersey, not far from his own home. And in 49, Campbell recruited an acquaintance, Dr. Joseph Wood.

winter to help develop Hubbard's new theory of dionetics. Jersey. What's your jersey accent, Mike Dave? You joicy! He didn't even think about it. He was taking a sip from his water and he was just like, I'm in. I don't even know what it is. Is that, is that right?

You joysy. Is that right? Yeah. That's a little Seanbergie. It is. He's a jerseyian. You know it. Sydney.

I miss him every day. Yeah, he's still alive. What? Why hasn't he called? Every now and then, someone tweets us saying he's mistakenly died. Well, died, mistakenly, the tweet. He didn't mean to. Whoopsies.

Oh, he fell into a bin. Oh, not again. That's not fatal, Dave. He couldn't get out. He couldn't get out. It's a really big bin. Hey, hey, don't know the lights in here. Oh my God, it smells like trash.

Hey, that is trash. Hey, is that cornflakes? Oh, I can pass the time. And then he had a wank. Oh. No, it was a subtext, Jess. Come on. Oh, okay.

I'm not good with subtext. Do go wrong. So Campbell told Winter, so these are the two guys working with him. With cooperation from institutions, some psychiatrist, Hubbard has worked on all types of cases. Institutionalized schizophrenics, manic, depressive, perverts, stutterers, because they're the same. In all, nearly a thousand cases.

But just a brief sampling of each type, he doesn't have proper statistics in the usual sense, but he has one statistic. He's cured every patient he worked with. He's cured ulcers, arthritis, asthma. The pervy ones. The pervy stutterers. I'm horny.

What would it sound like if they also had asthma? I'm Such an important combination But he's cute him Now they're not horny Or asthmatic

Hey I'm just fine I feel I'm level-headed Nice to mention How do you do? How do you do? Top of the morning Oh God I can't believe

It's the same guy He's cured So he collaborated with Campbell and Winter To refine his techniques And he tested them on science fiction fans Recruited by Campbell The basic principle of dionetics

was that the brain recorded every experience an event in a person's life, even when unconscious. So bad or painful experiences were stored as what he called engrams in a reactive mind. These could be triggered later in life, causing emotional and physical problems. By carrying out a process he called auditing, a person could be regressed through his enograms

to re-experience past experiences. This enabled enigrams to be cleared. The subject, who would now be in the state of clear, would have a perfect functioning mind with an improved IQ and photographic memory. Wow. Just a little side thing. That's a bonus. I know.

The clear would be cured of physical ailments ranging from poor eyesight to the common cold, which Hubbard asserted were purely psychosomatic. You're blind. It's all on your head. Just see, mate. Just see. Just look. Just let yourself see.

Have a go. Have a go. Come on, believe in yourself. That's because, like, I used to be blind. And then I'm like, no, I'm going to see you now. I want to be blind. Not for me. It's all in my head.

Yeah. And now, 2020 vision. Now I see out my fingers. Give us a look at your face. Oh, that's a close-up. I can see your beard. Dave's. Oh, that's weird.

Conflicts. In the beard. You found some corplex in the beard. And it brought back some memories. houses. Because the mind, the mind remembers everything. It does. Even when I sleep, even when it's wanking.

It remembers it all. That's the kind of, if someone said all that stuff to me in it like a really relaxed and like a bit of firm sort of tone in a building and I was a bit lonely and there was someone going, yeah, you know, what we'll do is we'll take you to there. You know, when people talk about that and that sort of calm, but very authoritative. I'd be like, okay, let's do it, I'm in. And then I would have... Join a cult. And I would have been a Hollywood A-lister. You definitely would have joined a cult.

I reckon. Yeah, you're too keen. You say the phrase, I'm in a lot. I'm in. He does. I mean of that. He does say that a lot. I'm a yes man.

You are a yes man. I genuinely at certain times, I'd join a cult. Yeah. I reckon you would. I reckon. I'll try to protect you from that, because I'm very skeptical. I'm super skeptical as well. I'm a real roller coaster.

Oh, yeah. You're just a, you're a bag of tricks. Hey, hey, you're... Bag of dicks, please. Do you go around. Winter submitted a paper on Dianetics to the Journal of the American Medical Association and the American Journal of Psychiatry, but both journals rejected it. Oh.

They said they don't just do, they don't have... They don't have, like, an open... An open mic. our letters section. Letters to the editor. I've got a theory. So Hubbard and his collaborators decided to announce Dianetics in Campbell's astounding science fiction instead.

In an editorial, Campbell said its power is almost unbelievable. It proves the mind not only can, but does rule the body completely. Following the sharply defined basic laws set forth physical ills such as ulcers, asthma and arthritis can be cured, as can all other psychosomatic ills.

Oh, this sounds, I mean, I was kind of like, it's, that's a bit of fun, but now it's sounding a bit dangerous. It's only going to get worse. You're sick, it's your fault. It's only going to get worse. Think better. Yeah. We can fix your brain. That's getting a bit dicey.

Everything you've said before has been. Totally fine. A Hubbard Dianetics Research Foundation was established in April, 1950, in Elizabeth, New Jersey, with Hubbard, Betty, Winter and Campbell on board. on the board of directors. Hubbard called Dynetics a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch.

So Elron is claiming to have invented those three things. No, he's just saying it's better than that. Oh, I thought it's like, this is a great invention better than my previous inventions. Yeah, no. You got fire, the wheel and the arch. This is better. Would you put the arch up there with fire and the wheel?

No, that's why I thought it was weird. He's just, he's been watching Play School or something, he's like, all right, here's the three windows, we got the circle, it's like a wheel, we got the square, obviously fire. The fire pit. And the arch.

And what could the arch be? That's what he's doing. So Dianetics was an immediate commercial success, and it sparked a nationwide cult of incredible proportions. By August of 1950, Hubbard's book had sold 55,000 copies was selling at a rate of 4,000 a week and was being translated into French, German and Japanese. 500 Dianetics auditing groups had been set up across the United States.

Wow, that took off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though people would have read about it in a magazine that has fiction in the title. Yep. So it was poorly received by the press. Also science. So, you know, focus on the science. Yeah, focus on science.

So Dianetics, it was quite poorly received by the press and the scientific and medical professions. The American Psychological Association criticized Hubbard's claims as not supported by empirical evidence. Scientific American said that Hubbard's book contained more promises and less evidence per page than any publication since the invention of printing. Oh, that's such a good review. That's a great review. I love that. Take that out of context. More promises per page. Dot, dot, dot. That's on the poster.

Than any other publication since the invention of printing. Like promises are good? Yeah. love promises. Oh, wow. Per page. And then we'll, yeah, one day we'll make you a really nice sandwich. Ooh.

Can I just ask your new book, what's the PPP? Prompses per page. Is it small? We offer 500 promises per page. Wow, 500 PPPPP. That's quite a lot of promises. It's just a list of promises in that book. In very small font.

I promise. I promise this. That's what it is. The new report. public called it a bold and immodest mixture of complete nonsense and perfectly reasonable common sense, taken from long acknowledged findings and disguised and distorted by a crazy, newly invented terminology. That's great.

Some of Hubbard's fellow science fiction writers also criticised it. Isaac Asimov considered it gibberish, while Jack Williamson called it a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology. How interesting. So even at the time, it's always sort of been seen as a bit silly. Yeah. Although you are reading a vet, like I think our Scientologist listeners would say that you're reading a very biased report. How dare you?

I try to be balanced in everything I do. Obviously, later in the show, you're going to do the pro-scientology. Of course I am. You've got to present both sides. You do. That's what we were taught. That's what we were tertin journalism school. Tertin journalism skew.

I didn't know you started in Germany. Yeah, I did. Well, I did an exchange. Broken German. Did some exchange. Broken English. Broken journal. Broken journal.

Were you going to say something? The ting about journalism. I think your impression said it Irish. The ting about... The thing about journalism. We were taught at this school. What is that? I can only say ting and taunt.

No more question. Cathedral. Who is this? Is this Michael Kane? A Michael King. The thing about it is. The thing about my Michael Kane. The thing about my Michael Kane impression.

Please do you. Thank you. Although Dianetics was not cheap, a great many people were nonetheless willing to pay. Financial controls were lax. Hubbard himself withdrew large sums with no explanation of what he was doing with it. From his business.

From his business. On one occasion, he was seen taking a lump sum of $56,000 out of the Los Angeles Foundation's proceeds. One of Hubbard's employees, Helen O'Brien, commented that the Elizabeth New Jersey branch of the Foundation at that branch, the book showed that the month's income was $90,000, but only $20,000 were accounted for.

So he's just taken, just withdrawing. Obviously, for the sake of the business, guys, what are you assuming? Well, I assume he's taking that money and saving lives with it. Well, yeah, absolutely, with his dionetics. Yeah, I'm just buying some more dionetics for the poor. Yeah, everybody needs them. I bought $20,000 worth of dionetics, and I gave it to that guy over there. my business partner who's just

yeah yeah the ones sitting on a gold throne yeah he needed it he needed it he needed it and he was and I'm I'm here to help he was gonna die he he was the antidote for his sickness was gold throne and look at him

look at him now look at him living look how alive he is he's cured he's got a case of your lives yeah over there anyway so Hubbard played a very active role in the Dianetics boom. He was writing, lecturing and training auditors.

Many of those who knew him spoke of being impressed by his personal charisma. He must be charismatic. I've got to say that. Like all cult leaders, Jack Horner became a Dynamics auditor in 1950. Later said, he was very impressive, dedicated and amusing. The man had tremendous charisma. You just wanted to hear every word he had to say and listen for any pearl of wisdom. Much like Matt. I was about to say, just stop describing Matt.

Go back to Elwhon. He had... Elron has red hair and green hair. green eyes. Matt has red hair and eyes. I'm sorry, I'm the second coming. You are... Of Elron.

Charismatic. And I just want to hear every pearl of wisdom out of that beautiful, hairy mouth. You were also seen stealing $50,000 from this podcast. Yeah, we didn't even have that much money. No, no, we're in a lot of debt. Yeah, oh shit. I'm sorry, I've meant to bring that up. Yeah, we're in a lot of trouble.

Anyway, so Hubbard supporters soon began to have... doubts about dionetics. Even Winter became disillusant. Dishelusand. Dishelusioned? You didn't get much of that right. Dishelusioned. Dissillusioned.

Okay, nailed it. Thank you, Dave. Oh, no. Fuck off, Matt. I'm the heel. Just little Dave in the corner. You nailed it. You're doing so well.

I love you. That's the subtext. So Winter wrote that he had never seen a single convincing clear, as in curing someone. Did this guy say that everyone was clear a second ago? Yeah. No, this is, so that was Campbell who was telling Winter and now Winter was like, I'm on. But now he's kind of like, oh, hang on. So then he said, I've seen some individuals who are supposed to have been clear,

but their behaviour does not conform to the definition of the state. Moreover, an individual supposed to have been clear has undergone a relapse into conduct, which suggests psychosis. So basically it was like, hang on a second. Maybe this isn't actually working. Dianetics lost a lot of public credibility in August of 1950 when a presentation by Hubbard before an audience of 6,000 people in Los Angeles failed disastrously.

What happened? What happened was he introduced a clear named Sonia Bianca and told the audience that as a result of undergoing Dianetic therapy, she now possessed perfect recall. However, in the demonstration that followed, she failed to remember a single formula in physics, the subject in which she was majoring, or the colour of Hubbard's tie when his back was turned.

Simpsons again? I'm not really wearing a tie at all. A red and white striped tie in a wins a nut. That is so embarrassing. And at that point... Forget that science stuff. Forget that. Let's start with something simpler. What colour tie am I wearing everyone, She'll.

She'll get this. It's blue. Okay, what colour tie? Sophie, what colour tie am I wearing? Grey? Fuck. It's a blue, it's a blue grey. It is a blue...

How would you wrap it up? Anyway, um... You'd run to a helicopter and... Sorry, this one didn't take. Cut it, cut it loose. At that point, a large part of the audience got up and left. Did he start shooting everyone there? Yeah.

I'm afraid you will all have to die. You would... It'd be hard to... Would you leave then, or would you be like, oh shit, what's happening next? This is about to go off. Oh, man, I could not... But it was so charismatic.

Like, that kind of guy probably could still, like, hold some people. Like, you know, there are, sorry, there are some issues today. Yeah, for sure. She fucked it. This is enough. You know what? Like, we can help you, but you have to want it to help. Yeah, you've got to want it.

She didn't want it. She didn't want it enough. Yeah. Sophie has clearly committed a lot of crimes when she was asleep. So her brain is like, fucked. Yeah. So I'm giving up on her. I've never given up on someone before, but she is.

is the opposite of clear. She is opaque inside that mind. We'll only work with good people. Sophie is a bad person. My name's not Sophie. You've both just gone for Sophie. My memory is also being clouded. I couldn't remember the woman's...

Imagine that. Sophie, what colours my tie? My name's Sonia. She doesn't even remember her name. She's broken. Elron's face is just like... He'd be drenched in sweat. And his hair starts to look like devil's horns.

Flames superimposed. Simpses again. The collapse of Hubbard's marriage to Betty also created yet more problems. He'd begun an affair with his 20-year-old... In the marriage. In the marriage. No, in life, he'd begun an affair with his 20-year-old public relations assistant. Geez, they're all about 20, aren't they when they start? Well, Sarah had also started a relationship with one of the Dianetics auditors, Miles Hollister.

Now, Hubbard secretly denounced the couple to the F. B.I. in March of 1951, portraying them in a letter as communist infiltrators. According to Hubbard, Betty, was currently intimate with communists, but evidently under coercion. Drug addiction set in fall in 1950. Nothing of this was known to me until a few weeks ago. So he's just accusing her all this stuff. So she's been a bit red this whole time and he's just realized. So he sent it to them like, these guys are dangerous.

And the FBI did not take him seriously. Wait, so are you L. Ron Hubbard? The bat-shit crazy guy? Yeah, thanks for your letter. We heard about your tie. Well... But I don't get it. Like, everything you're saying makes him sound like he's quite, like, quite clearly.

It's so obvious to everyone that he's sort of a very confident shyster, right? But why are, like, some of the top Hollywood stars, how do they get in there? I don't know. Well, I mean, a lot of them start as children. That's the thing. I think nearly everyone starts as children, Jess. Well, babies more accurately, but... Matt, what's my face?

I'm not going to say what I'm thinking, and I think you know. What's this face saying? In how many words. Five. Hey, mate. Good to... See. Oh, it's just, yeah, just thinking about how good side is.

That's true. Cut that L-Ront. I imagine two of the words would mean, fuck off, get fucked, suck a fuck. You're a... Mother fucking gun. Piece of shit. Piece of shit.

You're a piece of shit. I've never heard of that phrase. We say it to each other constantly. Shut up you, piece of shit. Right, so actually, an FBI agent annotated, like, so on this letter that Hubbard had sent to them, he sort of made a note,

It just says, appears mental. So that's good. He got a f... Bit mental. He's a bit mental. So he got marked by the FBI guy and got an F on his letter to the FBI. Yep. That is old school language.

FBI. Bit mental. Three weeks later, Hubbard and two Foundation staff seized Betty and their two-year-old daughter, Alexis, and forcibly took them to San Bernardino in California, where he attempted unsuccessfully to find a doctor to examine her and declare her insane. He let Do I say Sarah then? It's her name, but Betty.

You've said, yeah, you've been switching. I know, sorry. He let it go and, but he took Alexis, their daughter, to Cuba. Betty eventually filed for a divorce that accused him of marrying her bigamously and subjecting her to sleep deprivation, beating, strangulation, kidnapping. Oh, no.

Like awful things, right? The case led to the newspaper headlines such as Ron Hubbard insane, says his wife. in tiny text Great headline. Betty finally secured the return of her daughter in 1951 by agreeing to a settlement with her husband in which she signed a statement

written by him declaring The things I have said about El Ron Hubbard in courts and the public prints have been grossly exaggerated or entirely false. I have not at any time believed otherwise than that El Ron Hubbard is a fine and brilliant man. Oh my God. Written in someone else's handwriting

signed by me. Yeah, quite literally written by him. Is this the Grub one? This does sound a little grubby. No, grub was the first wife. Grub's gone. Grub's gone. She's long gone, probably. Lucky grub.

Yeah, what a lucky grub. What a lucky grub. Dynetics appeared to be on the edge of total collapse, right? So they're losing a lot of... So it's not called Scientology yet. Not yet. Still dynetics. So it's not even a religion yet.

Not a religion. Not a religion. What do you call it? A faux science. Affiance. A fiance. Yeah, it's like a, yeah, it's a, yeah, I guess just calling it a faux science. There's a term for that, I can't think of what it is.

Bullshit? Bullshit, that's it. It's bullshit. Bullshit. For weak people, that's what it is. Oh, don't blame the people. No, blame them. So it's on the edge of collapse.

It was saved by a guy called Don Purcell, who was a millionaire businessman, and he was quite into the dynamics as well, and he agreed to support a new foundation in Kansas. So their collaboration ended after less than a year when they fell out over the future direction of Dianetics. So they disagreed on that. It didn't last very long. The Wichita Foundation that Don was involved with became financially non-viable after a court ruled

that it was liable for the unpaid debts of its defunct predecessor in Elizabeth, New Jersey. So that meant that Purcell and the other directors of that foundation filed for voluntary bankruptcy in February of 1952. So they got involved, then had to file... Had to pay someone else's bill. Had to file for bankruptcy.

Oh, no. Hubbard resigned immediately and accused Purcell of having been bribed by the American Medical Association to destroy Dianetics. He established a Hubbard College... Big Pharma. On the other side of town where he continued to promote Dianetics while fighting Purcell in the courts over the Foundation's intellectual property. It's such a mess.

Only six weeks after setting up the Hubbard College and marrying a staff member... Who was 20? 18-year-old, Mary Sue Witt. Soon to be 20. He's thought, look, I keep marrying these 20-year-olds, but soon after, they're not 20 anymore. What if I do? There's an idea. Get in a bit earlier.

Then you got a whole couple of years before you. You get the full year of 20. If you marry them before, January 1st, if they're born on that date, I just realized they turn 20, by December 31st, you get a new one. That's interesting reasonable. I think that's fair. I've always said that. That's my dating regime. Yeah.

That's your dating regime. That's your mantra. Find someone born on January 1st. Yeah. Date him. January 31st. Out you go. Datum and ditch him.

January 31st. Yeah. So 30 days later. 30 day money back guarantee on my next boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think it's fair. It works.

So six weeks after he set up this college, he closed it down and moved with his new bride to Phoenix, Arizona. He established. trying to live in all 50 states? He's trying. He's working his way. He established a Hubbard Association of Scientologists International to promote his new Science of Certainty, Scientology. Here it is, baby.

It's not the catchphrase. Yeah, here it is baby. That's how I ever presents it to babies. The church is. Here it is baby. Hands in a piece of paper. A pamphlet. The Church of Scientology

attributes its genesis to Hubbard's discovery of a new line of research that man is most fundamentally a spiritual being. Non-Scientologist writers have suggested alternative motives that he aimed to reassert control over his creation, that he believed he was about to lose control of dynetics, or that he wanted to ensure he would be able to stay in business, even if the courts eventually awarded control of dynetics to Don Purcell.

So he's like kind of starting something different, but it's basically the same thing. Free brand. Yeah. Like when I call this podcast, do go wrong. Exactly. It's the same, but it's different. Now, I won't go into too much detail about, like, the background and the beliefs of Scientology, because as an outsider, it's very difficult to understand any religion. Like, I went through Catholic primary school and high school,

and if you asked me to talk for, like, talk on the podcast about Christianity or Catholicism, I'd be like, um, okay, so you got a God and he's got... Think of it like a three-leaf clover. Think of it like a Trinity. Mm-hmm. They mentioned that a bit. It's kind of like this podcast. This is a blasphemy for sure.

Yeah. So, father, do go on his... Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit. Okay, so we're both three, but we're also one podcast all at once. Yeah. Do you understand? And we're omnipresent.

Scientology was organized in a very different way from the Dianetics movement. So the Hubbard Association of Scientologists was the only official Scientology organization. Training procedures and doctrines were standardized and promoted through their publications and administrators and auditors were not permitted to deviate from Hubbard's approach. So they had branches, sort of like franchises, like a fast food restaurant. They had people, franchise holders were required to pay 10% of income to Hubbard's central organization. It's not too bad.

They were expected to find new recruits known as raw meat, gross. and were restricted to providing only basic services. The more costly, high-level auditing was only provided by Hubbard's central organisation. So it's sort of like a sub-branch. So I'll check your oil, but I won't change your transmission. There we go. Wow, Dave, what a manly kind of response from you.

I went there. Name some other car things. Spanner. Monkey wrench for American listeners, I believe. It's funny that he was thinking about it in those terms So they was thinking about it like a Tupperware lady Oh interesting okay You go around like that's

Is that like that work? Oh great yeah okay And they go around they have little parties She works for them Yeah She represents them She can But she works she runs her own

Her own gig Yeah yeah I say Tupperware lady Could be Tupperware lady Any kind of those Any kind of human Sometimes you'll get Makeup ones

It'll come to your house Avis lady Avis lady Thank you I couldn't think of it Avon Avon Avus is a car rental Avon lady

Daughter door Would you like to run a car today? No, I'm good Carry on then Oh, I live here You can see my car is right there Okay But this car is worse than yours

And And it's only 65 dollars Yeah, I'm going to charge you quite a bit And then, when you bring it back I'm going to say There's a dintanet that wasn't there before I'm listening I'm in

I'm in Although this model would eventually be extremely successful Scientology was a very small scale movement at first Hubbard started off with only a few dozen followers. Generally, they were dedicated dieticists. I mean, any religion, when you think about it, it had to start with it just a few, didn't they?

Yeah, of course. Of course. Islam, Buddhism, Hindus, Hinduism. They all started, which is crazy when you think about some of the major ones where it's like, yeah, a quarter of the people on the entire world. Yeah, that's pretty amazing, isn't it? Someone's idea.

He was joined in Phoenix by his now 18-year-old son Nibs. who... Nibs, you've come of age. Can we call him Nibbler? Little Nibs? Nibbler. Nibs was unable to settle down in high school, apparently. And he decided to become a Scientologist,

and he moved into his father's home and went on to become a Scientology staff member and a professor. Of? Scientology. Hubbard also travelled to the United Kingdom to establish his control over a dionics group in London. In 53, he acquired a doctorate.

This is so good. He acquired a doctorate from the unaccredited Sequoia University. According to a Scientology biography, this was given in recognition of his outstanding work on Dianetics and as an inspiration to the many people who had been inspired by him to take up advanced studies in this field. The British government concluded in the 70s that Sequoia University was a degree mill operated by Joseph Hoff, a Los Angeles chiropractor. There was a telegram sent by Hubbard in 53 in which he instructed Scientologist Richard DeMille to procure him a PhD from Hoff urgently

and it's all in capital that says, For gosh sakes, expedite, work here utterly dependent on it. Hoff's university was closed down by the California authorities in 1971. British government officials noted in a report written in 1977, it has not and never had any authority whatsoever to issue diplomas or degrees and the dean is sought by authorities for questioning. Oh, that crusty old dean.

You know what the questions are? Take your pants off, please. That wasn't able to question. Take your pants. You know what the questions were? Take your pants off, please. Firstly, it's not questions. No.

Or question. No. But I think I nailed it. Good job. Impro. Impro. Marcel Masso. People started to question his answer. accreditation as a dean when he couldn't

say a question. Don't you have an English doctorate? Take your pants off, please. I'm the dean around here. So a few weeks after becoming doctor, he wrote to Helen O'Brien, who had taken over the day-to-day management of Scientology in the United

States, and he proposed that Scientology should be transformed into a religion. O'Brien was not enthusiastic and resigned the following September, saying she was worn out by work. She criticized Hubbard for creating a temperate zone voodoo, a mindless group euphoria.

He nonetheless pressed ahead and on December 18, 1953, he incorporated the Church of Scientology, Church of American Science and Church of Spiritual Engineering in Camden, New Jersey. Hubbard, his wife Mary Sue and his secretary, John Galusha, great name, became the trustees of all three corporations. Hubbard later denied founding the Church of Scientology

and to this day, Scientologists maintain that the founding church was actually the Church of Scientology in California, which was established in 1954 by Scientologist Burton Farber. So, I don't know. I don't know. He doesn't want credit for it. That's interesting. Yeah.

Scientology franchises became churches of Scientology, and some auditors began dressing as clergymen, complete with clerical collars. If they were arrested in the course of their activities, Hubbard advised they should sue for massive damages for molesting a man of God going about his business. I don't know if that's a charge. If anybody hassles you, just sew them.

Just sue him. A few years later, he told Scientologists, if attacked on some vulnerable points by anyone or anything or any organization, always find or manufacture enough threat against them to cause them to sue for peace. Don't ever defend, always attack. Sounds very religious. Yeah. By the start of the 60s, Hubbard was a leader of a worldwide movement with thousands of followers.

A decade later, however, he left St. Mill Manor and moved aboard his own private fleet of ships as the Church of Scientology faced worldwide controversy. He's taken to the seas! When no one can touch me! Ahoy! This is kind of fun. This is going to make you very proud to live where we live, I guess, if you've made assumptions about Scientology. In this studio. In our bunkets.

Scientology attracted increasing unfavorable publicity across the English-speaking world. It faced particular hostility in Victoria. Australia. Where it was accused of brainwashing, blackmail, extortion, and damaging the mental health of its members. And the career of Kate Sobrano. Yeah, we will not have Kate Sobrano lost. I must admit, there's no surprise. Thank you.

Is that Kate Sabrina? Is that called Bedroborano? Isn't that her only song? Oh, not sorry. Kay, sorry if you're listening. She's listening. Obviously, you've got many songs. songs. I mean in the sense of

that is the only song. You need. Ever. Ever. Ever. In my eyes. Oh, I see. In your bedroom eyes. Yes. Very good. Sounds like you cry for help, doesn't it? I can't reflect. I, those bedroom eyes.

Someone please. Help me. I am trapped. On board a ship with a man who wrote science fiction books. Have you ever heard that song before? No. I don't think I know who Kate Zabrano is. Huh.

Oh, interesting. Please do it go on. The Victorian state government established a board of inquiry into Scientology in November of 63. Its report published the following October, condemned every single aspect of Scientology and Hubbard himself. He was described as being of doubtful sanity and displaying a strong indication of paranoid schizophrenia with delusions of grandeur. Go, go Victoria. The report led to Scientology being banned in Victoria, Western Australia. Western Australia and South Australia

and led to more negative publicity around the world. What year was this? That was in the 63, it's 5, 65. A good year. Oh, interesting. 65, yeah, that's funny. So there was a time where Victoria banned religions. Yeah.

Well, I don't know if they, well, yeah, yeah, they did. But I'm thinking at the time they were sort of going, it's not a religion. Right. It's interesting too Because then he travelled to the Southern African country Rhodesia, now Zimbabwe

That is correct Thank you And looked into Setting up a base there at a hotel Despite his attempts To win over the local government He was asked to leave the country Can you please

Can you just not Oh he goes in Does a big presentation Apparently, it says he like hand-delivered champagne to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister didn't want to see him. So brutal. Hand-delivered champagne. Yeah.

We just walk into the Prime Minister's bedroom with the champagne and he just goes, Please leave. So they... All right, I'm leaving that. Not the House, the country. Well, they refused to renew his visa, so he kind of had to leave. And then in 68, the British Minister of Health announced that foreign Scientologists would no longer be permitted to enter the UK and Hubbard himself was excluded from the country

as an undesirable alien. Further inquiries... That gave him an idea. Oh my God, I've got to incorporate this. And then further inquiries were launched in Canada, New Zealand and South Africa, so he's not all that welcome anywhere. After Hubbard created... After all this, Hubbard created the Sea Org Fleet in early 1967,

and it began an eight-year voyage sailing from port to port in the Mediterranean Sea and the eastern North Atlantic. The fleet travelled around. They rarely stayed anywhere for longer than six weeks. His personal assistant at the time later recalled, Hubbard said we had to keep moving because there were a lot, there were so many people after him. If they caught up with him, they would cause him so much trouble

that he would be unable to continue his work. Scientology would not get in the world, and there would be social and economical chaos. Get in the world. It's not. Get in. Get in. Everyone.

Come on. Just get the... Give me five. Hubbard, he said, he publicly declared that he had relinquished his management responsibilities of Scientology. That's classic religion speak. But, I mean, there's still. Relinquish management. Yeah, he's still getting...

I've given up management. He's still getting daily updates of what's happening and they're transferring them money and making sure that there's like food. That sounds like luxury food. Luxury food. Luxury food. Name them. Lobster. Lobster.

That's a luxury food. Cavia. Caviar luxury food. Champagne. Champagne. Champagne. Champagnons. Champagnons.

And Lazagny. Lazagny. Garfield's favorite. Expensive chocolates. Chocolates. Expensive chocolates. Uh, really expensive chocolates. Uh, a box of expensive chocolate.

Oh. Uh, like a rare, a rare gorilla sauteed in, you know, an even rarer gorilla's piss. Very luxurious. Luxurice. Luxurice. Oh, boy. Um. You know how to live like a cult.

leader. Scientologists around the world were presented with this glamorous picture of the life on the sea, and many applied to join Hubbard aboard the fleet. What they found Wood was rather different from the image that they were presented with. Most of those joining had no nautical experience at all. Mechanical difficulties and blunders by the crew led to a series of embarrassing incidents and near disasters. Following one incident in which the rudder of the Royal Scotsman was damaged during a storm,

Hubbard ordered the ship's entire crew to be reduced to a contingency. condition of liability and wear grey rags tied to their arms. The ship itself was treated the same way with dirty tarps tied around its funnel to symbolise its lower status. According to those aboard, conditions were appalling. The crew were worked to the point of exhaustion. They were given really small rations. They were forbidden to wash or change their clothes for several weeks.

He maintained this really harsh disciplinary regime aboard the fleet, punishing mistakes by confining people to the Royal Scotman's lower deck. So, imprisoning them. Imprisoning them without toilet facilities and without food provided. Oh, boy. It's like in a real weird turn. Other times, he would get crew members thrown overboard, and he would just watch on.

Sometimes he would film it. What is going on? I have no idea. And action. Good. This is fun. About 1970, Hubbard was attended a board ship by the Children of Sea Org members, organized as the Commodore's Messenger organisation.

And basically, they were mainly young girls dressed in hot pants and holter tops, who were responsible for running errands for Hubbard. What sort of errands do you think they might be running? I just getting luxury foods. Lighting your cigarette? Yeah, lighting a cigarette. That's an errand they were running for him. That's an errand.

Dressing him. I'm under the pump today. Yeah, no one I write down a list of things. Number one, get a cigarette. lied it. No, no. That's number two. No, I know.

I'm listing. Sorry, sorry. Number three. Call the bank. Call the bank. Number four, lied another cigarette whilst you're still on the phone to the bank. Because you're that cool. And then number six, call it a day.

That's a big day. It's a big day. Elron. I've been running errands all day. I'm bloody. I'm pooped. Elrins. In...

My list of Elruns. In February of 1980, he disappeared into deep cover in the company of two trusted messengers, Messengers being like their... No, Pat and Anne Broker. Oh. So for the next... For the first few years of the 80s.

Pat and Ann. We're getting involved. Pat and Ann. They're family friends of ours. From down the road. So for... For a few years in the early 80s, Hubbard and the Brokers lived on the move

touring the Pacific Northwest in a recreational vehicle. It's a great TV name, by the way. Hubbard. And the Brokers. And the Brokers. Good band name. Yeah.

They lived for a while in apartments in Newport Beach and in Los Angeles. Ah, yeah, see. He used his time in hiding to write his first new works of science fiction for nearly 30 years. They were called Battlefield Earth and Mission Earth. Is that bad? Battlefield Earth is a movie. Ah, that's a big swap. Wildly regarded as one of the worst films of all time.

There go. Why? It sucks. I saw it when I was 10 and I thought, What is going on? It's just confusing. Yeah. Just shit.

Confusing and shit. That's the double. That's the review. For the last two years of his life, Hubbard lived in a luxury bluebird motorhome on whispering winds, a 160-acre ranch near Creston, California. He remained in deep hiding while controversy raged in the outside world about whether he was still alive. And if so, where? So he's in a motor home? No, now he's...

I fast for it. a little while because there's just so much but I've just sort of jumped ahead to the last few years of his life. He spent his time writing and researching according to a spokesperson and he pursued photography and music overseeing construction works and checking on his animals. He repeatedly redesigned the property spending millions of dollars remodeling the ranch house which went virtually uninhabited and building a quarter mile horse racing track with an observation tower which was never used. But if I had, if I had millions, like the first thing I would do was obviously a racing track.

I would have gone an observational tower and they'd go, I don't want to observe. Race. Quarter mile, I reckon. Quarter mile. You must. Oh, you must. That is really weird behavior. Do you have horses?

No. It was never used. He was never used. He was checking in on his animals as well. I like that. Which animals? Yep. Yep.

Hey, cat. Yep. Still a cat. Still cool. You cool? Cool cat All right Stay cool

Then he gave him Chuck to my shucker Yeah Rigididge Shit cat's got to wear rags Yeah You're a shit cat Put the rag on

Put it on Don't make me ask you three times I'm gonna throw you over Do I ask you a third time? That's the second rag Three times again Third rag Three again

How many rags do you want to wear Yeah I've got one cat out of the back I've got plenty I got all day 58 rags Dight of suffocation Oh

Rag suffocation Hubbard suffered further ill health He had pancreatitis What? He should have just cleared his fucking head He should have He's getting a muggy brain He suffered a stroke on the 17th of January In 1986

And he died a week later Should have cleared his head How old was he 75 Ish, yes Yeah, well done Dave Yeah I mean like for someone who claims that they can cure anything It's not that long a lifespan

All right, mate, it was a different time. That's a, I mean, it was, Matt was fucking born. You'd be lucky to live to 75. I'd call that a good innings. Yeah, I'd say it's a good innings. This is the Messiah? What, has he ever called himself the Messiah? Dave, come on, mate.

He's just a psychologist. He's just a man going about his business. He's just a man trying to help people. He's just a man standing in front of another man, telling him that he should think his cancer away. So true. All right. The last bit, I promise.

So he did pass away in 86, and his body was cremated, and the ashes was scattered at sea. Scientology leaders announced that his body had become an impediment to his work, and that he decided to drop his body and continue his research on another planet, having learned how to do it without a body. I have learned. And with that, I finish my report. Oh, that is a big finish. Yeah, I just dropped my body.

I've dropped my body I've learned how to live without it You know how I figured it out? Don't need it I built a quarter mile racetrack This is what he was doing as I was learning And then I was like Oh I think I'm getting the hang of this

Oh hang on a second I'll hardly use my body for this at all My soul Flattened off a lot of that land Well I didn't use my body I used many other bodies Slave Labor But I directed it

Directed them with my soul With my mind Well there's a only one way to finish off an episode about a cult and that is to thank our cult followers that support the show through Patreon. Patreon.com slash do go on pod.

Every little scent that people chip in keeps the show going and we appreciate that a lot. And saves your soul. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't say it as a cult at all. I'd say it as a way into an afterlife and we promise you we promise you that. Promise you that. That's a promise.

For $5 or more per month, we guarantee you a place in the afterlife. You know, immortalise in name. What type of dollar figure can you put on that guarantee? Well, five plus. Yeah, five plus. And that's very reasonable. If you want to take your chance of the two, one or zero, I don't think so.

But we also would like to read out some people that have guaranteed a place in the afterlife. Matt, would you like to... I'd love to start by, with a big thank you, to one of my favourite listeners, often corresponding via the Twitters. It's August James. Also, coincidentally, one of my top 12 favorite months. Interesting. Probably even higher than that, I'd say.

Dave, I think I could... I love August because it's spring, start of spring. Not really. End of winter. Winter. That's right. I love those. I do love those shoulder months.

Do you also like it because Dave and I were born in that month and you just love celebrating our birthdays? Yeah. I love how you guys bang on about it all the time. August 980. Jess on the 16th and Dave on the 23rd. Of 1980? Oh boy, did I say that?

Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, no. And we're at the 26th and 28th. And aren't half of all months shoulder months? I mean, every three months is a shoulder month. Yeah. Love them shoulder months.

Anyway, thank you to August. Bloody legend. Absolute champion. Thank you very much. I would also like to send a shout out Thank you. And a guarantee. And a guarantee.

That's much more important than a shout out. I must, I've got to stress this enough. Place in the afterlife. You get a shout out and a place in the afterlife. Can't put a price on that. $5. Welcome to the afterlife.

We haven't killed them. For fuck sake. Can I just get through a sentence? In the afterlife, no one talks over you. Welcome to the afterlife, Sarah Mahoney. Yeah, we're dead. We're dead. We're dead the whole time.

We're dead the whole time. That is a twist. Thank you, Sarah. And there's a twist. For listening and supporting the show, you are a lovely human being. You are Mahoney and Mahoney. Oh, very good. I just was not going to give you a pun so I needed.

Yeah, because I'm bad at it. We've discussed it. I'm so bad. I just want to genuinely say thank you, Sarah. You're Mahoney and Mahoney. And my brony. Ah, yeah. Well, hold the phone.

Okay. Me. Look, I'm so close to dialing the number. No, Matt. Hold it. Hold it. Because I've got to take a callie. A cat

McCauley Is one of our listeners And I would like to guarantee A Place in the Afterlight For you, Kat McCauley Thank you so much With your pledge You have guaranteed

Eternal Happiness Look good for you I feel like I've got to Stand up for Cat here I think she deserves better than that Better than eternal happiness Yeah She says with a yawn

What's better than that What's better than that Eternal happiness plus a jet ski. A jet ski and a weekend away. You got a jet ski. Woo! Just contact Dave Warnocky.

Yeah, at Dave Warnocky. You will have to pick it up. I am giving away a jet ski. Haven't found a buyer on eBay. Interesting. Prepared to give it away. To Kat McCauley specifically. Specifically. Wow, okay.

All right. Just give Dave an email or... Or a McCauley. No, no, no. We'll not give out his phone number His phone number Please, please don't So thank you to you guys

Thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon You do make the show happen And if you pledge you can get our bonus rewards We just released an episode Last week a bonus one on Stockholm Syndrome Very fascinating You want to hear that Pledge to patreon.com

So let's do go on pod And of course the Melbourne comedy festival Is fast approaching us And we're all doing individual shows We're also combining Our forces combine. I am Captain Podcast. Oh God, that's good.

Or Planet Broadcasting. I am Planet Broadcasting. Captain Planet Broadcasting to you, Sonny. I am Captain Planet Broadcasting. Oh, boy. This is a hot finish to the show. It is so hot in here. We haven't mentioned that once today.

I know. I'm pretty proud of ourselves. My friend, Ollie, just the other night, said, if you guys mention on the podcast again how hot it is in that studio, I'm going to fucking unsubscribe. And then we made a whole episode and you said it in the last. Well, if that's still in, that's because you didn't edit it out.

Well, if people want to... But Ollie would love the shoutout. I'm so conflicted now. Ollie, can you pay for air conditioning and then we will never... Yeah, we'll never win you about it then, Ollie. We'll call this the Ollie Studio. But for live shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival on Sundays in April, the first four Sundays at three...

The first four Sundays. So all of them? There is a fifth one, Jess. It's the 30th of April. We're also giving out free hugs at the shows as well. Don't promise that. I'm giving out free hugs. The shows.

And also, as well as those shows, Jess and I have got a few shows, stand-up shows, coming up in Stratford and Painesville in Victoria on Friday the 17th of March and Saturday the 18th of March. And then I'm going, Jess has bailed this leg of the tour, but we're going to Canberra, Wollongong and Wogga Wogga with a sick lineup of some of our best and funniest mates on Wednesday, the 22nd of March in Canberra at the Comedy Festival there, Thursday, March 23rd and Friday 24th of March.

You can get details for all that at stupid old studios.com slash tour. Stupid oldestudelstor.com slash tour. Love to see you there. We'd love to see you there. I'm pointing at Jess. You're pointing me. I'll be there. She will be there. To some of the gigs.

To some of them. I had to bail on. some because you put them on weekdays and I've got a job. Yeah, I've got a job and that's bringing the laughter. Okay, and so you'll go do that. I'm going to job in customer service. And that's bringing the service. My job is bringing the laughter was bringing you there and making them laugh.

Oh, I see. Aw. Yeah, Matt is just too. He's transporting the laugh. He's going to drive me there. Yeah, I have no direct relationship with the laughter. So I've kind of failed in my job by not getting you to Canberra, but that's okay. We've got a sick line.

It's such a good lineup. good lineup. It's going to be great. You can get in contact with us at any time via Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. That's all at Do Go OnPod. And email, Do Go On Pod at Gmail.com. And if you want to look at the description of the episode, there's actually hype links to all that stuff these days. So get involved. Also, the ticket link to our Comedy Festival show. And can I just say, by finishing. A lot of people have been sharing stuff on Twitter and Facebook and tagging friends in posts. So if you think in episodes, maybe a topic specific up someone's alley, they don't know about the show. It really does help us if you share it around. And some people, they go,

I don't know, I like the idea of podcasts. I've spoken to people. I've told, I'll do a podcast. Oh, podcast sounds fun, but I just don't know how to get them. Some people just don't know, believe it or not. So, do my favor, get out their app, make him download a show, and you can spread the love. And it would be also great to, yeah, if you want to give us a five-star rating on iTunes or wherever, that'd be awesome. And just thank you. More about an honest rating. Yeah, that's what I mean. an honest, five-star writing.

If you're going to be more honest than that, don't, please don't rest anyone's time. Thank you. You get a nine out of ten. A nine out of ten in looks, and Matt, still not sure what you're good at, but you're great at something.

I'm great at really enjoying the reviews people right because they're fucking always so sweet. So sweet. So sweet. Guys, I'm going to step in and say, we've got to wrap it up right here. And moving to that beat. That beat.

It's been a lot of fun. Big Mark. I'm just... Oh, Regina. Yeah, there you go. It took me a while. I didn't get it. Because I'm trying to say,

thank you so much for listening to the episode. We'll be back next week with another report. Will it be the Simpsons episode? Will it? I'm going to hold my breath. Oh, God. He'll be holding for a year. Goodbye.

Later's. Bye. Oh, fuck. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are and we can come and tell you when we're coming. there. Wherever we go, we always hear six months later, oh, you should come to Manchester. We were just in Manchester.

But this way you'll never, will never miss out. And don't forget to sign up, go to our Instagram, click our link tree. Very, very easy. It means we know to come to you and you'll also know that we're coming to you. Yeah, we'll come to you. You come to us. Very good. And we give you a spam-free guarantee.