Do Go On - 79 - Loch Ness Monster (with Nick Mason)

Episode Date: April 26, 2017

The Loch Ness Monster! You've heard of it, but is it real? Dave investigates and reports to Jess, Matt and special guest Nick Mason from The Weekly Planet. Our final episode recorded live at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, Dave goes through Nessie's history, the photos, the stories and the many claimed sightings. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it... an otter??? Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amarna, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal, and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Guys, you are listening to Do Go On. My name is Dave Wonki, and I'm just dropping in at the start of the episode here to tell you that you are about to listen to our final live show recorded at the Melbourne Comedy Festival on Sunday Just Gone.

It was a lot of fun as they all have been, and we had a very special guest and good friend of the podcast. Nick Mason returned to be part of the show, so that was very exciting for us. And I'm sure you guys will enjoy that too. I'll be back at the end of the episode to thank a few Patreon supporters but until then I'll say enjoy the episode and I'll see you in about 56 minutes all right see ya hello

good afternoon ladies and gentlemen welcome down to do go on live at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and my name my name is David Bowie and I'm very happy to be here tonight no my name is Dave Warnke and I'm here with just workers and Matt Stewart ladies gentlemen

Hey thank you so much what a pleasure I told Evan on sound he goes do I do I need to stop that track and no it'll stop itself it will definitely not roll back into David Bowen

make us all look like fuckheads thank God that didn't happen wow it's so good to be here this is our live show last live show at the comedy festival guys

we are absolutely pumped except for possibly Jess who has she has some health issues today You work up with a terrible migraine. Is that right? Yeah, I'm good.

I'm speaking the mic. I was about to speak it to my drink. Is this? I'm not good. I'm in a world of pain. But you guys are, you guys look great. And we're all here, ready to... So I was sick one time, right?

One time I tried to get hashtag pray for Matt going. Man, man, man, man, man. And the very next week, what? This is bullshit, Jess. I don't believe her, and I don't think you should give her any sympathy. Look at her. Look how happy she looks.

She's not sick. What a dog, ah. Hey, what's this? What's this? What's going on here? We do have a fourth chair here, ladies and gentlemen, because tonight, or this afternoon, rather, we have a very special guest.

Could you please? It is not David Bowie, but it is someone equally as cool. Would you please give it up for, you know it from the weekly planet podcast? It is Nick Mason, ladies and gentlemen. What? Are you booing, sir?

It's tradition, it's fine. I know my lot in life. Do you often get booed on the street? Yeah, I demand it. It was part of my rider, didn't you read that? I want some booers around as we leave. Boo! Thank you, thank you.

It's great to be back, guys. I'm your Ringo star. It's... Yes, you are still alive. Correct, yeah. You will outlive two of us. Oh, oh, who... Shagga, living longer than mad.

Yes. Jess, you're the health-riddled problems. Yeah, that means sense. Anyway, great to be here. Mesa, are you well? I'm under the weather because it's the last day of festival, but other than that. I don't even do comedy, I don't understand.

Play for Mesa. Thank you, if you could. Oh, hang on, I thought that was at him. I just got fingered. For those at home, I was just letting the people at home know that Jess fingered me. That's all. I don't know why you reacted like that. That was weird.

How many shows have you seen? 60-ish, probably? That is fucking intense. Yep. Anyone beat that? Anyone here beat 60? Oh. How many?

73. And you came to my show. And you're a really nice guy. Thank you. Would you put this show on the top 72? Yeah. Oh, that's pretty good. Was it better than that show?

No comments. Oh, wow. I put you in a terrible position now. It's great to have Mesa here considering that we are at a comedy festival with 600 plus shows. Comedians all over the world come here and we have got our friend Nick Mason who's not even doing a show

to be part of it. You're welcome. I'm the most refreshed guest you could have possibly gotten I think everybody else is just ruined. For the last 22 nights off the show it's great to have you here. And as a great shirt. Thank you. Thank you. You're good about it. It's not all comedy guys. Some of it will be complimentary.

Some of it's just friendship. Well, before we get into the report side of things, I've just been reminded by my own brain to tell you that there... It's just it. If you need to get up to go to the John, as I call it the toilets, as you plebeians call it, or to get a drink or anything, there is a camera there. So you will have to either navigate that or sit there and shit yourself. Two options, two options. Those are the options. because we are filming for the first ever time this live podcast.

This might last the whole episode. We've got to run this out. We've got to jump into this report because it is actually Jess's turned to do a report. Because you woke out with a migraine this morning. At 12 o'clock, the report was delegated to myself. But she'd obviously written the report. Oh, yeah.

Actually, I'll start reading the report and I'll tell you, stop. When Jess's report finishes and mine begins. So you two already know what the topic is. So I guess it's up to man, Mesa. So can I pretend to not know? Soif says yes. You can't be trusted. You can't be trusted.

All right. So if you haven't heard the show before, we usually start with a question to get us on topic. And my question is... Dave wrote the question. I did not write the question. She doesn't write questions. The question is for Mesa and Matt.

And then for you guys afterwards. What mythical creature is Scotland's National animal Billy Connelly He's pretty mythical It's pretty mythical That's got to be the easiest question That's been asked on the show

I think so We're going to have to dance around it for a little bit I think Good work with Billy Connolly Thank you Just some joe cans What about was to tell you that the Haggis

Stinginess Is that a well-known Scottish trait Yeah Yeah. Yeah. What if I was to tell you that it's probably not what you think?

What do you think it is, Matt? Locknest Monster. It is actually a unicorn. That is their genuinely their national animal. And my follow-up question was going to be because I thought you might get that. What should be Scotland's national animal? Fully Connolly.

Yes. Matt, do you want to have one more going? I knew that, actually. Because you know my surname Stuart is relatively. Scottish. You haven't mentioned that 800 times on this podcast. And I'm very stingy, Mesa, I think that's where we got that from. What were we, I forgot where that sentence was meant to go. It's the Lochness Monster, ladies and gentlemen. That is a topic today.

I'm glad you didn't boo that. That would have, it would have been a long one now. You hate everything. Fair, yeah, fair, fair. So we've got the Loch Ness one So that is our topic today Have you guys been to Loch Ness? No, never. No.

I wanted to because I was in Edinburgh last year And I was like, it's surely just up the road. It's quite far. And I was like, mm, nah. Were you hoping to walk to Lockness? I was going to walk, but I thought like maybe a bus. Well, I'll make up for you because... Again, not all funny.

I think I've seen an episode of the goodies where they went to Loch Ness Or it might have been an episode where they just hit each other with sticks for 22 minutes, I'm really not sure. I've seen an episode of the goodies. You've seen one episode.

Now, well, don't worry. I'm glad I'm doing the report, not you just, because I've actually been to Loch Ness twice. Been on twice. Growing up in the affluent east, when I was 11, my parents took me to Scotland.

Of course, yeah. And then when I was 23, both times I went on the river cruise and what you do is you sort of look out for the Loch Ness sponsor and I was much more dedicated when I was 11. I thought I was going to see him.

Neither time I saw it, but I'm still fascinated by Loch Nass. So let's do this. For those that don't know, Loch Ness is a large, deep, freshwater lock in the Scottish Highlands, which is... If you don't know what a lock is, what is a lock?

A lock is the Irish, Scottish Gaelic and Scots word for a lake. He has an answer for everything. Don't try it. He clicks on every hyperlink in Wikipedia. Just in case. 696 links to go. Lockness is the largest Scottish lock by surface area.

It's 22 square miles or 56 square kilometres. Locke Lomond is bigger than it, but because of its depth, the Loch Ness, it is. It has more freshwater than all lakes in England and Wales combined. So cop that England and Wales, yes. If it was drained, it could hold the population of the world more than 10 times over. Wait, what does that mean?

And who builds those statistics? What madman? What if you melted us down? No, if there's no water in the lake, it's so big. And we all just stood next to each other. So if you wanted to turn Loch Ness into some sort of mass grave for the entire planet, we could... And I do.

Dave started early with the mass graves, that's interesting. Fuck off. I have to tiptoe around every subject because they all link back to Nazis somehow. But guys, I just want to talk about mass graves to ten minutes, okay? Now the earliest, oh, actually, at its deepest point, it's 230 metres deep. So that is pretty deep. Again, not all funny.

All funny, all funny. The earliest report of a monster in the vicinity of, oh, by the way, I've already stopped Jess's report. Oh, yeah, I'm done. Yeah, no, we started already, I was like, whoa. Hey, Dave, should you also warn everyone about what happens next door at the 20? All right, so every week there is a wrestling live show next door and it goes off. And we always go, go fuck yourselves. And people at home probably thinking, who are they talking to?

Like it's you guys the live audience. So that's just for a bit of context there. I thought Jess was getting ready to. I'm going to. Today's the day. I'm taking a fight with those wrestling cunts. Do you think that you might be sick, Jess, karma-wise, because of a certain rant against an 18-year-old Bindy Irwin last week?

I don't think there's a connection. And I stand by my opinions. I think they could be. She's just so close. Oh no. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fuck her. The earliest report of a monster in the vicinity of Loch Ness appears in the life of St.

Columber, which is a book written in the 6th century AD. According to the story, which was written about a century after the events described. So you know it's reliable. Irish monk, St. Columba, who this whole story, about was staying near Loch Ness with his companions when he encountered local residents burying a man by the river Ness. They explained

that the man was swimming in the river and he was attacked by a water beast which mauled him and dragged him under the water. So they were probably just trying to cover up a murder. That is essentially what has happened there. It's a water beast. What are you guys doing there

with that body? Not nice. We didn't do it. A water beast did. So that answers that question. Water beast carrying a sword. You examine those wounds. Good day, sir. Columba sent a follower

to swim across the river. So cowardly. Did not go himself. Did not go himself. To try and sort out this water beast that he'd heard about. Apparently, the beast approached him. But Columber, still on the shore, made the sign of the cross, another very cowardly way to protect someone. Don't worry, I got you!

It doesn't always work. It does. It does. It doesn't always work. Do you think you did that? Yeah, that's probably it, yeah. Columbus said... He probably just threw like communion wafers into the water. Like feeding the duck star. Yeah, all that.

Oh, okay, yours was cuter, all right. No, fair enough. He said, go no further. Do not touch the man. Go back at once. The creature stopped as if it had been pulled back with ropes and it fled under the water. Columba's men gave thanks for what they perceived as a...

Miracle. Can you give us an example of what it would look like to be pulled back by the reins? And they're like, miracle. So basically everyone had an angle here. Like, Columbia gets a miracle. He looks like he's doing a job and they get away with murder. Exactly, right. Yeah, yeah.

Some guy that stole like the town's soup or something. Soup? So he got soup. So everyone wins. Stole the town's soup. That was your. your go-to. You know how all small towns have a big

vat of soup? Oh, I know. Keep some warm in the winter. I'm a country gal, I know. That's right. They're so... No, you're not. I know. Yeah, you're also from the Afloan East, please. I said that Colombo banished the ferocious water beasts at the depths of the river,

the river nests, which flows from the north end of the locks. He didn't even let it hang out of the lock anymore. Colomber is today credited with spreading Christianity in what is today, Scotland. So, that is probably why Scotland Christian. Just because he did that.

That's so good. That's not the sign of the cross, is it? No. It's like this. They go... You're thinking of Madonna. Oh, Madonna. That's Madonna. Be honest. I need you to imagine.

You're a crazy giant sea monster. What scarier? Or this. if I was walking to my car and I looked over and someone was doing that like eyeballing me I'd shit myself Dave I feel you could do that without the sign of the cross

it's all in the eyes yeah if anything the cross sort of takes away from the gaze believers in the monster points to this story the story that I just told you as evidence for the creature's existence as early as the sixth century skeptics question

in the narrative's reliability, noting that water beast stories were extremely common in medieval times. But so were water beasts. And murders, probably. And murders. Yeah. Every time someone died,

Water beast. Struck again. Then we've got cuts 1,200 years to 1871 or 1872. Both good years. I wasn't going to say or 1872. I just needed you there.

Say that. Did you mean 19702? Unlike you, I read the date as it's written down. 1871 or 1872. Unsure of the year, I'll tell you why

a Scottish man known to history as Dee McKenzie would not give his first name. He reportedly saw an object resembling a log or an upturned boat

quote wriggling and churning in the water in Loch Ness. The object moved slowly at first, disappearing at faster speed. Dee McKenzie sent his story into a

newspaper in 1934, a mere 62 years later, shortly after a popular interest in the monster head increase. And this is what he wrote. Wait, it looked like a log. I know what that must be. Or an upturned boat. On a lock, can you imagine such a thing? Yeah, I know, yeah. They don't make sense. I know what makes sense. It could have been Billy Connolly riffing as a log. He's so versatile. He is versatile. This is what he wrote into the newspaper. I saw it. About 18 1771 or 1872. As near as I can remember now, I was on the rock above,

insert Scottish word here. I seriously can't read that. No, I give it a well. A breakin. Nailed it. A brican. Do you want to have a go with that? Let's all have a go to that.

No, it's a briekin. It's a briechan. It's Japanese. Oh. So he briefly went to Japan. That's how unreliable this story. How does Shepard's part? Is that a thing? Is that a...

It's a thing for Dave. Oh, in Japan, yeah, sorry. What'd you have? Shepherds pie and garlic bread? He's so cultured. He loves it. He loves to soak up culture. Sushi can go fuck. If you're not even going to get your own in-jokes, mate,

then what am I fucking doing here? So sorry. He wrote, when he was in Abrikan, I saw what I took to be a log of wood coming across the log. The water was very calm at the time It was about 12 o'clock on a grand sunny day

So that was So it was impossible The wrestling has started ladies and gentlemen Go fuck you all We are not at all ready to rumble It's very upsetting Trying to have a civilised bloody comedy show here And these fuck up

I was going to I was about to go strong there You know I went strong earlier I think you can do it Okay These Nah good on No they're just pulling Now they're just politely clapping.

I don't. Oh, very good. Please welcome to the stage. Deathmonger. Oh, very good. So I was going to say, he said, the end of the quote was, it was about 12 o'clock on a grand sunny day

so that it was impossible for me to be mistaken. He wasn't even sure what year this happened. But it was definitely sunny. Definitely. He remembers that. And that is not a mistake. 62 years is a long time to remember back. I remember 62 years ago when I was...

I think I was just about to retire from my third job. Wait, what? I'm really old. He's pretty old. Nailed it. Stole your thunder, fucko. Now, modern interest in the monster was sparked by a sighting on the 22nd... Oh, it's cut. Shut up!

Yes, Dave. people at home, Jess was telling Dave to shut up. Sorry, Dave, you're beautiful. Modern interest in the monster was sparked. Don't talk quieter. By sighting. On the 22nd of July, 1933,

when a man called George Spicer and his wife saw a quote, most extraordinary form of animal. What was her name? Mrs. A good question. Georgina Spicer. No one ever knows the wife's name. No, names attract.

George and Georgina. they saw this most extraordinary form of animal crossed the road in front of their car they described the creature as having a large body about 1.2 metres high 8 metres long and a long wavy narrow neck slightly thicker than an elephant's trunk as we all know is how we measure how thick things are

the trunk was as long as 3 to 4 metres long Was it wearing a bow tie? It was bow tireless, repeat bow tylus They also said they saw no limbs Repeat it was limeless How did it push the button At the crossing It's just waiting

Waiting for somebody else Waiting for a chicken to come along And cross the road with them Yeah no it's not all good I'm taking a lot of very strong painkillers It loads to cross the road 20 metres away Leaving a broken trail of undergrowth

In its wake And then it went back into the line So it was out of the water. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It was on a day trip. It was on small day trip. The next month, August 1933, a motorcyclist, Arthur Grant,

claimed to have nearly hit a creature at about 1 am on a moonlit night. So that's trustworthy as well, is that? This thing's out all the time. It's out at midday, it's out at night? What's it doing? What's it's it what I'm doing? Yeah, is it nocturnal? Is it the opposite of...

It's a full and varied life. It's out and about. It's not nocturnal, it's lockturnal. Yeah, round of applause Stu it, Stuart, Stuart, Stuart, Stuart. He is checking the football scores. I reckon he's earned it, let him. All right, Matt, give us a quick footy update.

He's checking, hang on. You keep going up. Okay, no worries, you'll yell out, no worries. Yeah, great. His priorities are in order, obviously. Oh, this motorcycle's grant, who was a veterinary student, described it as a cross between a seal and a pletseosaur, which obviously as a vet you come across every day for the week.

All the time. He said he got off his bike and followed it to the lock, but by the time he got to the water to catch up with it, he only saw ripples. He produced a sketch of the creature. It was examined by a famous British zoologist, Nessie skeptic Maurice Burton, who stated it was consistent with the appearance and behavior of an otter.

A giant fucking otter. That's pretty skis. Also, for a second there, I thought the name of the zoologist was going to be Nessie skeptic, and I was like, that's... That'd be very convenient, right? That is great. Maddie, how's the foot again? Saints stand by a point, but...

Hey. Against Geelong, ladder leaders, so that's not too bad. Happy with that at this stage, I've done. Hey, what a day. Yeah. This could be a really great day. A few months later. November, 1933.

93, it's going through the roof of this thing. The first alleged photograph of Nessie was taken. It was slightly blurred. It has been noted that if one looks closely, the head of a dog can be seen. But where, no one knows. The person who took the photo,

Gray had taken his Labrador for a walk that day. It is suspected that the photograph depicts his dog fetching his stick from the lock. I just love that. He's like, proof. It's proof. Is that just that really famous photo? No, we're not up to the

really, really famous one. That if I say long next one, so you all imagine. We are very close to that. But with the Labrador style photo, our old mate's skeptic, Maurice Burton, Nessie Skeptic. Had a look and guess what he saw? Quote, when blown up and projected on the screen, it revealed, quote,

an otter rolling on the surface in careristic fashion. He's got to see his otters everywhere. Look at that face. Face of an otter. If I've ever seen mine. It's like, You go to a vet.

Matt, do something an otter would do. I think that is his auto impression. It's very good. That's much more otter-like than something that looks like, someone's described as looking like a dinosaur. And the guy's gone, classic otter. Are we sure it wasn't an otter?

It's made, as he said, it looks. It had no limbs and a three-meter-long trunk. Yeah. Wait, what am I thinking of? You're thinking of a plesosaur. Ah, yeah, I'm sorry. We're never sure what you're thinking of, I've got a note here that the largest otter,

I looked it up, there's 13 species of otter. The largest one is 45 kilos, and that's like the biggest one ever. 45 kilos. Hey, what are you weigh again? That is bigger than you. You're 52, right?

No, no, it's slightly small. So imagine me in otter form. Mine is like, chop off my leg or something. See, this is so clearly a Dave report because I would not have looked that up. Any of it. Oh, God. I looked up Locke Ness.

Nailed it. Dave's more of a twink than an otter, though, I think. And it was the last guest appearance he ever did. I reckon we'll have you back, mate, so... Thanks, Val. Yeah, the others will veto me. So, 1933, you probably notice, there's like four sightings in 1933,

all possibly otters. But that's when the legend really took off around the world. It's been claimed that sightings of the monster increased after a road was built along the lock in that year, early 1933, bringing workers and tourists to a formally isolated area. Locals deny this saying it wasn't isolated before, but what you and I think is isolated

is very different to what people from the Scottish Islands think is isolated. We have to keep that in mind. Let's all have a moment just to think about that. Just think about it? You get it. 1934. Inspired by all the talk of

the monster Edward Mountain, who is the founder of Eagle Star... That's a great name. Eddie Mountain. Your name is Mountain. You found an insurance company. What would you call it? What would you call your insurance company?

Eddie Insurance. Well, that's pretty good. Eagle Star Insurance. Insurance. Eagle Star Insurance. I'm just reading it off the page. That's what it says. Look right there. It says insurance, Dickhead.

Insurance. I've been mispronouncing C for years. Eagle Star Insurance. I can't even do my mispronunciation. Which is, it became one of the UK's largest insurance companies. He decided to finance a search for the monster. He wanted to find the monster. Ah.

He got 20 men with binoculars. Imagine that times, 20. Oh, and cameras. Bynox down camera. But if you're at home, Jess is acting it out right now. I'm not sure why, but it's great. It's really fun. Jess, it is 1934. A box brownie...

Not only is she miming this, she's also not talking to the mic. Just to really fuck the people at home. Jesse, you're going to mime the three to four week wait it takes to get it from Kodak and get the results? Absolutely. I'll be silent for the rest of the podcast. So these 20 guys are good binoculars, cameras, brownie box, whatever's.

They position themselves around the... lock from nine to six every day for five straight weeks. Five straight weeks. They were paid two pounds per week, sit by the lock, with... Oh my God, with box cameras! It says it. It says it right here. I'm not even getting with box cameras.

I know! I don't. I mean, thank you, but I studied photography. It was the style of the time day. Yeah, was. Did you study photography of the... If it said DSLRs, that would be much weirder, right? It'd be weird.

I love it when people are impressed that I know things. It makes me really happy and also a little bit sad. Oh, she's an idiot, but she knew something. They also offered a bonus of £10.50, so their whole week's wage for five weeks if they got a successful picture of the monster. So because of that, it's not unexpected that some of them put in some pretty blurry photos. 21 photographs were taken, none considered conclusive. So that guy wasted lots and lots of money.

Now, later in the year 1934, the most famous photo of the monster came up. If you Google Locknet Sponsor right now, 80 years later, it still says, well, it still says, would you like to click on images? To this very day. This is referred to as the surgeon's photo. The surgeon's photo. The surgeon's photograph is reportedly the first photo of the creature's head. and neck.

So before that, it was all ass shots. All. At the end of 1933, everybody, the Daily Mail, which was a piece of shit then is a piece of shit now. Whoa. Dave, taken down the big guns.

Oh, yeah. Taking it... They're widely content. Yeah, nah, fuck them. Yeah. Take on somebody your own size, like, Bindio and... Yeah, yeah.

Genuinely, my own size. She's just so patronising! And do you know what, after that, so many people, a lot in this room, tagged me in her Instagram photos. Oh, poor four. And then I just have to look at it again. Shut up, into you sure. It's been a big week.

If we could get her as a guest on the podcast, that would be, but obviously she wouldn't have time to listen back to the back catalog. So what are the chance? She'd probably... She'd listen to the same one one. It was like, what are the chances of her picking that episode? The one about her dad. Yeah.

Probably the first I'd listen to as well. The Daily Mail, end of 1933, taking advantage of this new Nessie Craze that's sweeping the world. They hired a famous... A Nessie craze. The Nessie craze. It was a different time.

They hired biggest, biggest, the famous big game hunter, Mama Duke Weatherall. Fuck yes. Oh my goodness. Fuck yes. I knew Jess would love that. Mama Duke.

The Duke. The Duke. They said, they asked him... I enjoyed the Duke a lot. They got the Duke to travel. up to the lock nest to see if he could find the monster. He found no monster. However, in December he found what he thought to be enormous tracks,

enormous footprints on the shore of the lock leading to the waters. He took photos of these, published in the Daily Mail. Unfortunately, researchers from the Natural History Museum examined the tracks, and they had been made with the dried hippos foot. Ew. The kind that were... Better than a moist hippos for the way. The kind that were popularly used as a...

umbrella stands at the time. It was a different time. Humiliated, Wetherill, retreated. He retreated from public views. So he was widely laughed at because he published photos of a hippos foot in Scotland. And because of this... That was very taboo at the time.

You did not take a photo of a hippo's foot. A few months later, the Loch Nusset monster again made headlines when a highly respected surgeon and gynecologist Colonel Robert Wilson came forward with a picture that appeared to show a sea serpent rising out of the water of the lock.

He's a colonel. And a gynecologist. And a surgeon. I'm not going to that guy. I reckon I would. For all your gynecological needs. Yes. Of which I have many.

Jess, thank you for minding your own business. You'll be to have a chat to Matt later. Wilson claimed that he took the photograph early in the morning April 19, 1934, when driving along the northern shore of Loch Ness. He said he noticed something moving in the water,

stopped his car, took four photos and when he exposed to them, two of them came out clearly, so he's got two photos. For a number of years, the photo was considered evidence of the monster. So this was published, everyone's like, oh, it exists.

Skeptics, dismissed it. I think they're Scottish, so what would they have said? Ebb. That was seven words condensed into one. So, my grandfather was born in Scotland and came to Australia like in the 1930s. And then, no, 1925 to be exact. And when I was on this trip to Loch Ness, we went to where he was born, a town called Straven. And we went to the farm, which is still owned by relatives of his.

And we met the farmer who owns the farm. He was like, a guy in his late 70s at the time. And I could not understand the word, he said. I was 11 and I was just going, mm-hmm. It was just like, oh, m-mm-mm-law, oh, b'-b-a. And then he would just pause and go, oh, I, oh, I. That's the only thing I knew. Seriously, I could not understand a word,

and my mom's just like nudging me, like, just smile, to smile. This is your great, great cousin or something. My face was directly quoting his face. Do it again. Oh, my, m-mm-mm-oh. That's pretty good. For a number of years, this photo was considered evidence. Skeptics dismissed it.

as driftwood, a bird or an otter. Fucking did. The photo's scale was controversial because it was seen, it looked like it had been zoomed in on and then cropped because then they found an uncropped shot which made it look very, very small

in comparison to the waves around it. So people were dubies of it. But no one analyzed the photo properly for 50 years until in 1984. Stuart Campbell analyzed the photo in a 1984 article in the British the British Journal of Photography Jess, I'm sure you subscribe to that

as a big photography fan Yep Great You know when she cracked it at the crowd before for appreciating her knowledge on cameras No one knew that you'd studied photography at that point

So what they were doing was very nice And you got so angry at them I haven't been able to concentrate on the report since then Because that was very rude Don't turn them against me You do this every time Look I'm well

To be honest They should be turned against you. Am I right, guys? Fever the Revolution. Here we go. Who are you booing? I'm glad you are, though. I feel like I've got some of them, and I've lost a few others. You lost this guy, he was booing again. He was born to boo that man.

Born to boo. I haven't heard him say any words, can you? Boo! Yeah. Are you Scottish? Very good, very good. So this guy analyzed the photo And he said The object in the water

In the photo could only be two or three feet long at most I like Dave standing Yeah, he's standing, yeah Hey little fella Hello Hey Are you standing because there's a revelation coming He's gonna drop some truth bombs

Here we go Here we go This guy concluded That it was either A bird or an otter Another fucking other But he was wrong Remember our old mate Marmaduke Wetherall?

How could we ever forget? Now you've turned to a preacher and I love it. The hunter? Who has just become the hunter? It only works if it become the hunted. He's the one that was embarrassed by the Daily Mail publishing his monster tracks that turned out to be a hoax, probably that they did in the first place

and then they made fun of him. Well, he wanted revenge on the old Daily Mail. He was the one that copped all the heat. Not them. He quote, this is a quote, we'll give them their monster, his son that later remembered him saying, which is a great line.

He's upset, we've pointed out that he's standing up and now he has to lead him into every single thing. So Mama Duke, Duke, got together with his son Ian, his son-in-law. Mama Duke called his son Ian. What an asshole. What a dog, hey? I've lived a blessed life with the best life

with the best name in the world. Fuck my son. Big time. Big time. Well, he's got Ian. He's also got his son-in-law whose sculpture specialist named Christian.

Still not great, no. And an insurance agent named Maurice Chambers. Maurice. Not bad. Or Morris Chambers. Probably Maurice Chambers. Yeah.

They bought a toy submarine from a local supermarket and built a monster's neck from wooded. putty. After testing it at a local pond, the group went to

Loch Ness where Ian Wetherill, the son, took the photos near Scottish word tea house. Alt-Sai. Alt-Sye tea house.

When they heard... When they heard... Oh, I. When they heard a water bailiff, which is like a cop that patrols the lock approaching, Marmaduke sank the That's great.

Lock Cop! Lock Cop! It's Scotland's number one grossing cop drama. Lock cop. CSI lock cop. It's a bit of driftwood again. We thought it was a murder, but it was just a water based again. Every wing is the same.

Lock cop and two smoking barrels. That's not bad, that's not bad. Pretty good? That's a pretty good pun. So anyway, here's the lock cop coming. So Duke, being the hunter guy, he takes his foot out and kicks the submarine out, which sinks, shit-out submarine, by the way. Yeah, from a supermarket.

But they're also, that's what they're meant to do. Really good submarine, really good submarine. Which is presumably still somewhere in Loch Ness. The insurance man chambers gave the photograph to Wilson, a gynecologist. enjoyed a good practical joke, a friend of theirs. He bought the photos to a chemist which developed them. Then he sold the photos to the Daily Mail

who announced that the monster had been photographed. This whole story was secret until 1994 when the sculptor, Christian Spurling, before his death, at the age of 90, on his deathbed, confessed to his involvement in the Loch Ness monster plot. I sort of tuned out for it, but you know on Law and Order when there's a scene transition, it's like, dong, dong. I imagine on Lockcock, it's like,

like an excruciatic bagpipe solo for like two four minutes. Anyway, could you say the whole thing again? Well, it looks like this one. It was a water beast. You want a submarine? Yes, if you could. Oh, I, oh, I. And so we're up to...

They put a fake submarine in there. Yeah, okay, cool, great. In 1977, Anthony Dock Shield. Carping, camping, on a carpet. Dave's had a stroke. It's all right. We've only got ten minutes to go, I can make this.

Camping next to Urquhart Castle, which is a beautiful castle there. You've been there, of course, I have twice, unlike these plebeians. He took some of the clearest pictures of the monster that have ever been photographed. Shields, who is a magician, psychic and painter. So a pretty red dude.

I'd like him at a dinner party, that's for sure. I know you're all about to trust what he saw, but let me... He also dabbles in gynaecology. He's a goner. He dabbles. He's a dabbler. Oh, don't dabble down there. This is my favourite thing I read about Doc.

Doc Shields. Quote, he had several solar exhibitions in London before then leaving St. Ives where he lived, following a drunken incident in which he threatened a police officer with a gun that he had obtained from his painter friend, Terry Frost. He considers himself an artist first and foremost and his life's work to be a form of surrealism that he refers to as...

Garnacology. I pay primarily with his gun, I don't know if that's... I don't know if it's successful, but, you know. So we all trust this guy now. Yep. He claimed to have summoned the Lochness monster out of the water. He later described it as an elephant squid, claiming the long neck shown in the photograph

is actually the squid's trunk and the white spot at the base of the neck is its eye. I've looked at the photo. No, no. No. No doc. Due to the lack of ripples that has been declared a hoax by a number of people and received the name the Loch Ness Muppet.

And I've seen it, and it looks like a dinosaur in a bathtub. Or an otter! in a bathtub. Do you write that down? No, I didn't, but... That was off the cuff. Oh, yeah. Oh, very good.

He rarely works off the cuff day, so... There's a golf club for your off-the-cuff work there. Thank you. The same club that Murderhorn next door got. Murder horn? I call him something. Murder face, you know. Do you remember?

Murder death. Oh, he does talk. Two words you can understand from the Scot. He only... He only boos and threatens. So it's just booed, murder, death. All of you. We'll take it.

Who I? 1987, Operation Deep Scan was conducted, and that is the biggest sonar search that they've ever done. It costs them one million pounds. Operation Deep Scan. Garnacology. Is that where you were... That was where I was going, but thanks for going there.

Oh no. Hey Dave, when you edit this... Don't me to boost the volume on that little bit you said before? Just have that on repeat for a solid three minutes. That was my request, yes. Just about going, gynecologist, gynecologist. Gynacologist. Garnacologist.

Wic, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick. Break it down, man. Operation Deep Scan, 1987, 24 boats equipped with echo sounder equipment were deployed across the width of the lock and simultaneously sent acoustic waves across it. How many pairs of binoculars? Six hundred pairs of binoculars.

That's a lot of binoculars. Dave, let's send some acoustic waves, shall we? Hoo! Is that coming through? That's good stuff. You're picking up those acoustic waves, Evan? Oh, he's getting it. His ears are bleeding.

They are... After examining a sona return indicating a large moving object. at a depth of 180 metres near Urquit Bay, Lawrence, was founder of Lawrence Electronics, said, there's something here that we don't understand, and there's something here that's larger than a fish. Maybe some species that hasn't been detected before.

I don't know. Like an otter. They are larger than a fish. Yeah. And can anyone here truly say that they understand the otter? No, exactly. That's beautiful. With their long trunks and lack of limbs.

It's baffled me for years. Will we ever truly? know the otter there. Their white eye at the base of the neck. But they spent a million pounds, didn't exactly find anything. This was the guy who owned the Electrics Company. Yeah, so he said that... So it was a sponsored...

It's an ad, basically. Yeah, so he... They didn't find anything. It's a good ad. Good ad. I'm thinking about going to buy some stuff from there after the show. Right, so in 1980s electronic sonar equipment. Yeah, whatever. I don't know. Whatever. Anyone got the footie score? Sades up by two.

What? Sides up by two. Let's... I'm back in. Look, you're happy with that, but all I'm thinking is that you are looking out the food. Dave, don't worry. I understand, mate.

I do understand. Dave, we've got his money. It's fine. He can do whatever he wants. Thank you very much. I literally just did. Great. So that's a current score then.

Half time. So there's no need for you to continue to look in the next 10 minutes. the show. You support Matt, don't you? He just said, I don't even support them, yet you... No, but he knew Matt needed to know.

What's your name, sir? Nile. I love you, Nile. That's a fucking great name, too. Nile. He's just a big fan of bodies of water. He doesn't even care of it. I'm sorry, everyone. I've been awake a really long time.

I'm so sorry. Took me a while. I'm waiting for Dave to get it. No, I know, good, I'm trying to work in Shut up, man, I'm denialing you. I would have thought you'd have been working up some sort of death on the river Nile. Is that the thing?

Oh, yeah, Death on Nile, one of the greatest Agatha Christie Piro episodes. Books. Oh man, it's so good. I challenge you to watch it and work out how you think did it. And I won't spoil it because it's so good. It's got the guy from Starsky and Hutch in it? Whoa. The original. Ben's still out.

Benzillera and Owen Wilson are not in the film. But don't let that put you off. I will only watch their films. Their cinematic masterpieces. Wedding crashes? Love it. Right.

Story checks out. In 2003, the BBC sponsored a search of the lock using 600 sonar beams and satellite tracking. The search had sufficient resolution to identify a small boy. B-U-O-I. We found a

Boy! But they leave him there? It's not a monster, leave him. Derek, some countries pronounce that Bowie, isn't that way better? Booy? That's much better. Booy.

So fun. Go again. Booy. Everyone now. He tried his best. He's trying to say booie the whole show. Oh, I get you now. I get you.

That is very good. very, very good. They found a small buoy, but no animal of substantial size was found and despite their high hopes, I can't believe they had high hopes of actually finding something. The scientists involved admitted

that this proved the Loch Ness Monster was a myth. Searching for the Loch Ness Monster aired on BBC One in 2003. Don't watch it, they didn't find anything. Spoilers. Sorry about that.

The most recent thing that I found on the Loch Ness Monster, April 19, 2014, it was reported that a satellite image on Apple Maps Apple's version of the mapping software. We know what maps are. Not required that explanation. If you have an iPhone

it showed what appeared to be a large creature thought to be by some by saw it be by some to be lockness that was just below the surface of the lock. The locks far north at the locks far north the image appeared about 30 metres long. Possible explanations were the wake of a boat

Oh, is that an Apple Maps, Burn? That was an Apple Maps burn. Yeah, fuck you, Apple Maps, you dickens. Way off. For the listener at home, that was, if it's Apple Maps, it was probably Big Bin. Thank you. I don't think that's what he said. So it could have been Big Ben.

It could have been the boat itself. You're saying Big Bin? Yeah, the bin industry, you know, Big Bin. Don't fight Big Bin. You've come off second best. Some people refer to the whole of Scotland as one Big Bin, but that is not me. I am a big fan, big fan.

Been there three times, so unlike these guys, I'm right? Nazi! The mortal enemy of the Scot. I'm trying to get through. Possible explanations for this Apple Maps thing, where the wake of a boat, Big Bin. A seal. Flooding wood or an otter.

Thank you. That is my report on Loch Ness, so now we're going to go... Ah, that was our report. Go fuck yourself. I really thank you so much, too. So another mystery, we'll never know. Well, I want to go down the line here. Do you now believe in the Loch Ness Monster

or some sort of giant otter? I never stopped believing in the Lof-Nus Monster. May I say after that? I think it was probably a twink of some kind. Maybe it was that boy you talked about earlier. Yeah, so. Hello. Short answer, no.

And Matt Stewart, you... Yeah, I now believe in Otters. I do. Interesting. Give me a round of applause if you now believe in the Loch Ness Monster. Woo! Big Ben. Big Ben believes.

Give me around a pause if you don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster. A few undersides. And give me around applause if you didn't give me a round of applause either of the first or second option. And a round of applause for people who didn't give a round applause then? Okay, we got everyone.

We got, nailed everyone. Everyone's in. Everyone's involved. That is my report. Thank you so much. I've got to give a big shout-up to the people that suggested this. One of the few things that just did was

tell me who suggested it. That is your contribution, Jess. We should also thank everyone who's come along over the, this is the last one of the live pods for now. So thanks so much everyone here today for coming along and everyone who's come in the past and... Anyone who will come in the future?

Yes. Anyone who likes coming is all... I'm saying. Which I think is most of us. The Loch Ness Monster was suggested by... There's his regret face. Regret face, come face. They're all the same.

Oh, that is true. So the Loch Ness Monster, we would like to thank you were suggested by On email, a person called Angus, probable to finish. On Twitter at Lennett Stales. Thank you, Lennett, whose real name is Lennett Stales.

There you go. He got it. He got his name. At Austin Brackett, also got their name. And also, Calum B.W. Where did you get Callum B.W? Email. Email.

So thank you, though, so those are four people. Can we have a big round of applause for our very special guest, Mr. Nick Mason, Lundington. The Man, the Whiff. Boo. Because if you want to hear more of Mesa every single week, we can check out the weekly

Planet podcast, but who doesn't? It's already so great. It's so, so great. I wouldn't. Seriously. Who doesn't? Yeah, yeah. Who?

That's fine. Yeah, that's what else. Yeah, you should check it out. Is that why you're looking at me to back you up there? Dave was right. You should check out. If you like comic book movies. Check out the Matt Stewart episode.

Oh, yeah. That was fun. That was fun. I'm so tired. Poor old Jess, we made it. I'm not okay. Pray for Bob. Thank you so much for coming out.

We have a big round of applause to Evan on sound and Craig on camera today. Thank you so much. But that is the end of our final episode live at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Thank you so much for coming out and everyone who has come out. We'll be back in the studio next week.

But until next time, we'll say, thank you. Let's watch the second half downstairs. Goodbye. Later. Thank you. We will grab that camera, so don't worry.

not trapped here forever. All right. I lied. It was only 54 minutes. You caught me. But I hope you did enjoy our final episode recorded there live at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Big, big, big, big thank you to everyone that came out to our live shows over the last four weeks.

We've got to say a big thank you to the Imperial Hotel for hosting us on those Sundays. It was so fantastic. We packed out every single show. And when we booked this in, you have to book in stuff for the comedy festival about six months in advance. when we booked it in, we had no idea it was going to be a terrible mistake, and if no one would come and we'd lose lots and lots of money. But you all came out, you support of the show,

and we are eternally grateful for that. And to be honest, I had such a good time that I'm looking forward to the next time we can do a live episode. We're thinking of possibly traveling interstate in Australia. So if you would like to be the first city that do go on visits outside of Melbourne, drop us the line, the more people that tweet us or email us about their first city.

city, the more likely we are going to be able to make it there. But hopefully we will make it around Australia. That would be so good. First Australia, then the world. Oh man, it is my secret little dream to goodbye and being able to travel, which I love to do. And also to be able to do the podcast live around the world. So hopefully that can happen one day. But to make these four live episodes possible in Melbourne, I have to thank three people,

especially that helped make them. And that is everyone who helped with the sound over the last. four shows and that is Evan Munro Smith, Jeremy Webb and Sam Peterson. Thank you guys so much. You made these episodes possible to be listened to. And as mentioned in this episode, we did film it. The video will take us longer to edits together, the two cameras and that kind of thing. But keep an eye out on our social media.

Hopefully it will be out sometime pretty soon. You can enjoy my facial expressions, Matt and Mesa's beards, and just drinking a Coke trying to stop her migraine. and she mentioned a couple of weeks ago. She actually does do that. So something for everyone there. All right, I've got to thank a few of our Patreon supporters. And what a pleasure it will be,

because I love to thank our, anyone who supports the show on patreon.com slash do go on pod. You make these shows possible for us to keep every single week. We have not missed a week yet. So we would like to thank three absolute legends right now. And the first person I'd like to thank all the way from Kansas. and that is Justin Robinson. Thank you so much for your support, Justin Robinson.

Thank you, Justin. Here's to you, Mr. Robinson. Jesus loves you more than you will know. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. Yes, the jokes will be pretty obvious this week. I am recording them before I go to work. And there's a thunderstorm outside,

so this could be the last of me. Hopefully I'll hit upload before I leave. Then I can get struck by lightning and no one will mind. But thank you, Justin Robinson. Another Patreon supporter is Kylie Kendall. Now, I bet you get this all the time, and I bet it's happened more and more over the last few years. But not one, but two Kardashian sisters together.

Kylie and Kendall. Huh? I'm pretty sure that Kardashian sisters. Well, Jenna, sisters. I have not had time to Google that. As I said, Thunderstorm waiting my death. But Kylie and Kendall, Kylie Kendall. Now, I often think about this.

You probably could have got, I don't know how. you, Archali, but you could have gotten to 30, and no one would have ever said anything about your name, and suddenly these two little teenage girls that do absolutely nothing have come along, and now that's all you get. I often think about, I used to go to school with someone called Rihanna. No one, you know, no one thought that was, you know, it was kind of an interesting name, and then the Barbadian singer came along, and then suddenly everyone was singing Umbrella, Umbrella all the time at Earth, so there you go. I actually went to primary school also with someone called Donald Trump. which is a very original name in other than his primary school,

but no one never thought anything of it. Now people just associate it with the guy that was from The Apprentice. Whatever happened to that guy? I don't know, I'll Google it. I'll get on Google. I'll Google all these things. I'm sure I've made a lot of mistakes here. And finally, I would like to thank from Patreon, Trez Maverick.

And Trez Maverick is a legend. He is a member of the Golden Hat, the 10 people, that we have to do their ideas every now and then. All the way from Austin, Texas. Your topic is coming up very soon, Trez. I think you're the, not the next, but the one after that we'll do for the Golden Hats. So probably sometime next month.

Get excited. Conice, it's a good topic that Trez has put in, so we can all get excited for that. So thank you so much to Trez, Kylie Kendall, and Justin Robinson. We appreciate your support on Patreon, and if you, too, would like to be a thank you. at the end of an episode.

You too can support us on patreon.com such do go on pod. We also release a bonus episode once a month. A couple of weeks ago, we did the Stanford Prison Experiment, which was, it's a highly requested topic and the only way to hear that just did a great report on it.

Fascinating stuff is if you support Patreon, the episode is still available there. Available there, that's what I'm trying to say, but anyway. Again, thank you to everyone that came to the live shows. If you want to get in contact at any time, you can get in contact on Twitter at do go on pod Instagram and Facebook are also at do go on pod

we chuck up stuff all the time that references episodes or we retweet people that make funny references to the episode so it's good fun if you are a fan of the show do go on pod at gmail.com that's more of a private two-way street we don't email out stuff all the time imagine that but I suppose we could do a newsletter or something but we do do a newsletter on Patreon from time to time, so get on that if you want to get on the newsletter train.

We'll be back next week with another episode. I think it will be a Jess week because she skipped this week and I did it. So Jess will be back in the studio. So if you prefer those types of episodes, set the clock one week from now. We will be back. But until then, thanks for listening and we'll talk to you very soon. I will say goodbye. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where

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