Do Go On - 8 - Santa Claus (An Origin Story)

Episode Date: December 16, 2015

Santa Claus... What's his deal? Where did he come from? Why are the Dutch involved? How much did CocaCola have to do with him? Pickles?All of this will be discussed and more, on this naughty and nice episode of Do Go On! Twitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] the show and get rewards like bonus episodes:www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPod Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenja Amana, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. Well, ho, ho, ho and Merry Christmas. That's not going to make sense in a couple of weeks. Hello and welcome down to do go on a podcast with myself. And I am Mr. Dave Warnocky.

And I am joined, as always, by Mr. Matt Stewart. It's a very formal episode this week. Hello, Matt. Hi, Mr. Dave. Hello, Mr. Matt. How's it going? I'm about to stuff this up because I always get confused between Miss and Moos. We have Miss slash Moos.

Jess Perkins. Hello, Jess. Mr. David, Mr. Matt. Oh, you're Mr. Dave? I'm also not sure the difference between Ms and Miss. I think Ms is just like an unmarried one. Moos is like the equivalent of Mr, I think. It doesn't mean you're married or unmarried.

Yeah, Miss. Miss means unmarried. Miss is generally like a younger woman too. And I don't know where I sit in terms of age. I find it, because I always get worried that I'm going to offend someone by implying that they're a moose. Or I still don't know. No, I don't know. Good call, though.

Good option in the same boat. Let's research that. We'll do a 45-minute episode on the difference between Ms and Ms later on. And I should say... It is strange, right, that there is an extra option for the ladies than there is for the gents. We miss out yet again. When will society evolve to help out men? Yeah.

They're downtrodden. Oh, no, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm a big supporter. Thank you. Thank you. Men's rights. It's about time.

Yeah, I'm one of the few who's on your side, okay? Don't lump me in with those other women. Anyway. Thanks, Moose. Anyway. Now, I said, Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas at the start of this episode. What was that all about? Well, Matt, if you haven't heard the show before,

if you just love Christmas and you've clicked on some sort of link because you want to hear a Christmasy show, then fear not, it will be Christmas, but what happens is we take it in terms to write a report on a topic of our choosing. And the other two generally don't know what it's going to be about. And we don't know the exact topic. But Matt alluded to the fact.

So that will be some sort of Christmasy show. Yeah, I thought singers were coming up to Christmas. I might do a Christmas-ish one. I think knowing that it is Christmasy, this question, I should have thought of a better question. Okay. Because it's going to be pretty clear. So imagine that you didn't know this is about Christmas.

What would you say if I asked, who has the all-time record for most home invasions? That is brilliant. Tooth Fairy, obviously. Straight in there. That's Christmas related. Yeah, tooth fairy. That's good because...

You got more teeth. You'd lose them throughout the year. Yeah. I think you fucked it. Some sort of... Only the tooth fairy isn't real, Jeff. So we're talking about real people. Oh, that's right.

We're talking about... Who are we talking about? Some sort of cat burgling man? So, are you just... I mean, there are a few different ones around the world, but I'm talking about Santa Claus. Santa. Coming to town.

So I've heard. So Santa Claus. Santa is our topic. That's great. So Tooth Fairy, is that as universal as Santa? Maybe. I'm not sure. So maybe Santa does have more home invasions.

Yeah, that's true. Well, I did look up... There's others around the world. Yeah, there are a few different ones. You better say, I did look up the statistics on Santa's criminal records. No, I looked up the tooth fairy. And I saw an interesting, there was an interesting study and it said, it asked. Because, you know, the Santa's...

Of the Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, most people have a certain picture in their mind. But with the tooth fairy, they asked, what does the tooth fairy look like? And I think it said 72% said female. Oh, wow. Which is, yeah. How does it higher? Yeah, right. And then about 12 said neither a man or a woman.

Yeah, a fairy. It's a third box that you can do this. And then someone, I think the last one was like, who gives a shit? Yeah. That out about 8%. That's the one I do. But you're right, there is sort of a pretty distinct picture of what Santa looks like. Yeah, did you guys, did you guys believe as kids?

I want to, I did you, you did. I want to probably finish with, I want to hear about how you found out that he wasn't. Just so parents have a lot of time to turn off. We'll finish with that. But what was your relationship like with Santa growing up? Terrified and I wouldn't get my photo taken with him at the shopping centres. I was scared of him. Wow.

I would just cry. Now, as a 25-year-old, I go and get my photo taken with Santa. It's a tradition now. Yeah, I'm like, all right, Santa, here's what I want. Raise a scooter. Barbie. And he's like, get off me. Madam, please leave.

Fresh out. There's another one. Muz, get off my knee. And you're like, hang on. Please, Santa. Santa. I've got a list. I thought you knew everyone's names.

Come on, mate. I've been very good this year. Dave, what was your relationship with Santa? I'm trying to think about, I've seen photos of me on his lap, so I think that I wasn't too scared, and I was very obsessed with getting free presents once a year. When do you have to pay for your presents? Well, my birthday, of course, had to supply my own party.

That's normalism. I'm really interested in see a picture of you as a child, because now I can imagine is basically what you look like right now. I found a great photo, which I can show you after the show, and I may even post it to the listeners. It's a great one. It's the most 1990s photo I could find. It's me, age six, at the pancake parlor, which is a big tradition.

I'm playing with a Captain Planet toy. Great. A transformer, a wrestler and Plato. You've got so many toys. And I'm dressed as a Power Ranger. Oh, my God. Were you a blonde kid too? No, I was pretty brown.

Pretty brown. I'm literally just imagining you, but. like shorter, like just a tiny version of what you look like now? I weighed quite a similar weight. Wow, there you go. I've been the same weight class my whole life. Dave does these shows, as you probably know, Jess, where one of the, it's a fact-based show and it's a quiz show.

I don't know. There's no, it's no fact-y fact, but there's no... There's no fact, sorry, good point. It's a fact-based name. Yeah, fact-based name, no fact-based game. And one of the rounds is you've got to, you've got to guess whether something weighs more or less than Dave. And then there's a bunch of them... heavier, lighter or the same as me, and I weigh 52 kilograms.

What were some of the things that weighed the same as you? Gwen Stefani. No doubt. Just how confidently he says it. There's not many things. It's hard when you Google 50, when I Google things that weigh 52 kilos, I find forums and it's mainly teenage girls posting, I weigh 52 kilos, am I fat?

And you just reply, Hey, I'm 25 and a man. And I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. I'm feeling good. Makes it feel better. Now, what was your relationship with Santa? I loved it. I was a big fan.

And I, yeah, I believed for a long time. A little too long, perhaps? Maybe a little too long, yeah. But I don't think anything's really met that sort of excitement as a kid. Yeah, that wonder. Yeah, yeah. I think the closest thing to it now is what I experienced recently, and that is this music festival I go to every year.

And the night before feels somewhat like Christmas Eve's a child. Yeah. It's the best. Because you don't get that as an adult as much. So it's nice when you do feel excitement for something. You have anything like that? No.

My life's really dull. I just remember that my relationship with Santa as an adult has been pretty turbulent because when I left high school, my first job when I was 19 was... Tell me you were an elf. Tell me you were an elf. Oh, well, I did the elf for a bit, so I did kids parties. And then I got graduated to Santa and I'd have to wear a fat suit. Because I wear 52 kilos.

I know, and I weigh 52 kilos. So I've got the fat suit on, but it doesn't do the arms of the legs. So I look like I've just, I've got like fake arms. You look like I do now. I look way worse. And then one day I locked my keys in my car when I was in between parties in the city here in Melbourne. And I couldn't think what to do so because I was already dressed in the outfit, but I couldn't get to the next gig.

So I took all my gear and everything, like the Santa's sack out to like the, like, top of Burke Street and I'm trying to get wave a taxi down and they just aren't stopping they're just waving back like hello Santa I'm like stop you fucking bastard there's kids out in Maravin the day come on come on

and they're all just waving oh so bad and I was the worst Santa and one time my pants fell down when I was dressed as Santa because it's because you wave 52 years because of all time and then when I put on the accents

people always thought I was accent. Like a ho-ho-ho voice. They thought I was sounding bloody Scottish. What is that accent? It's not really an accent. It's more like a...

There's an old bad voice. Yeah. Do you see that there was a video that went around recently of a little girl on Santa's lap and her mom says to Santa, like, oh, she's deaf and he goes, oh, does she sign? And then Santa's like signing to her and asking her what she wants for Christmas in sign language

because that said, you had a sign? That's so great. Oh, it was so sweet. All Santas should know all languages. Agreed. Agreed. If you're going to be a Santa. That's where I was fired.

I just didn't know Arabic. Could not answer. You know how we were like, let's not fuck around this episode. Let's get straight into it. Yeah, we'll fuck around. Don't worry. All of that will be edited out. That doesn't help you're getting the gig you're late for.

But actually it does the exact opposite. Okay, good. So the Santa as he is now, He began a couple of thousand years ago, pretty much. He's like... He's 2,000 years old. He's something like that, yeah. It's pretty good.

I mean, Santa Claus isn't, but the beginning of the Santa Claus story kind of is. Okay, so I kind of like this description I found on Snopes. It sort of sums up pretty quickly the modern Santa Claus, right? Okay, so this is a quote. Santa Claus is a hybrid, a character descended from a religious figure in St. Nicholas, whose physical appearance and backstory were created and shaped by many different hands over the course of years until he finally coalesced into a now familiar slash secular character. I can say sexy.

Of a jelly and sexy, rotan red and white garbed father figure who oversees a North Pole workshop manned by elves and travels in a sleigh pool by eight reindeer to deliver toys to children all around the world every Christmas Eve. So that's kind of, that's the package. Never heard of him. But you'd be familiar with all those elements, right? Absolutely. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's such a massive thing.

And it's kind of interesting where bits and pieces were picked up over time. So you'd hear him referred to as St. Nick a bit, right? Yeah. And St. Nick was a real guy. He was a real guy, real saint guy. What? Yeah. Yep.

Who was this? The first fact I've dropped on you. How about I'll talk about I'll talk. talk to a little bit about St. Nicholas. Okay. Please do go on. I'm going to go on. Okay.

So St. Nicholas was born near Myra in the ancient seaport city of Petara, which is in modern times is located in Turkey. So he was born around 270 or 280 AD. So that's not 2,000 years ago, but, you know, close. Close. Close-ish. If we're rounding up to the nearest thousand, which I'd like to. that's what I do in most things

day to day. That's right. Technically we're all 1,000 years old if we were to round up. Dave actually weighs a thousand kilograms. And technically you both owe me $1,000. We'll talk after the show, my gosh. Wow.

The legend is that he gave away all of his wealth and he traveled around helping the poor and the sick. So he was a good guy. That's what the legend says anyway. I mean, I haven't made anyone who knew him. So you can't. You can't know for sure. By about the year to 1,200...

Just a casual thousand years later. A thousand years later, he became known as a patron of children and magical gift bringer because of two great stories from his life. So he had these two fables or two legends. Obviously, again, when you hear them, you're going to be like, I don't fully believe these things happened,

but one of them could be true. and they were talked about by this guy Jerry Bauer he authored a book called Santa Claus A Biography Oh that's good It's like the idea that he's just like in his 50s And he still hasn't found out Yeah

Still like I'm getting so close to it Trying to do research at the library Like just looking into the backstory Of that really famous man Santa Claus And the librarian's like Oh god How do we tell him

I need to sit this guy down So she gives him all the books that I have on Santa Claus and they're all kids picture books. And he's like, what are you hiding? She sees them coming from the, coming through the front door. She's quickly putting him into the nonfiction.

Just scurrying. Don't tell him. No, just leave him. Leave him. It's a sweet thing. So one of the stories is that he saved three sisters from being sold as slaves or prostitutes

by their poverty-stricken father. Oh, why haven't we heard this Santa story before? And he did that by giving them a dowry, which meant that they could be married. So he gave the dad... Oh, wow. It doesn't sell where the dairy is. A couple of cows or something.

Sure. Some cash. So you could marry them off instead of selling them. Yeah. Which is like... A slight upgrade? It's a slight upgrade. So he's technically sort of bought them at the same time.

That's kind of weird. Anyway, okay. He's a great guy. Kind of like a... No, I don't think he bought him because he didn't take him. He just allowed them... I mean, and he's assuming that the dad would have done that. Not the poverty-stricken dad didn't.

just go, I'm still going to sell them and keep this dowry. Win-win, apart from obviously the three daughters of mine who are going to lose in a really big way. And that's not even funny. I'm sorry. Okay. I shouldn't have laughed then. Well, they lived a long time ago. Oh, my God.

Where do you draw the line? Too soon? Another story, apparently that story is quite well known. I'd never heard of it. The other story was less well known. But bowler, bowler. Where did he get that family name from? So, Boler said it was quite well known in the Middle Ages, though.

It's just, since then, it's dropped off. You hear about that, bloke? Yep. What, those three girls with a dowry? Top bloke. Top bloke. That's how they spoke of the Middle Ages, all right. That's pretty, that's standard Turkish, I believe.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this other story, Nicholas entered an inn. and realized that the three boys of the owner of this inn had been murdered. Oh. And he pickled their dismembered bodies in brine, in barrels full of brine. So, what? I was going to stop me there.

He pickled them, Dave. So he noticed someone's parents were dead, so he pickled the children. Well, I haven't explained that very well. No, the kids were dead. The kids were dead. He walked in. Dead kids. And the dad was like, he was just hanging out with the dad.

And he's like... What's that? You got over there? Oh, it's not like my dead kids. He sent something was a bit off. And he uncovered this mystery of the bodies in the barrel, the original bodies in the barrel. And he said, well, what you need there is some brine? No, he resurrected them.

Brought him back to life. What? Sorry, I thought... Yeah, I thought you just pickled them. So the killer's pickled them. The killer's pickled them. The killer has pickled them. So he's gone into...

Nick pickled no one. Is the dad secretly the killer? That's what I'm worried about. No, the dad's the killer. Yeah, the dad's the killer. Okay, the dad pickle the kids. The dad's pickle for the kids. And is it...

And Nick's like, um, I'm gonna unpickle. And is he told you? No pickle for nickel. No pickle for Nick. He's not into it. That's saying, no pickle for nickel. He had that tattooed on his neck. That's how people knew.

And he was like, hang out, there's something a bit off with this tattoo. Yeah. But, yeah. So when the dad who was in the pickling is kiddles, he came in and went, oh no, it's Nick, the go hates pickled kids. I'm in for it. But anyway, he just went, hey, that's wrong. Don't pickle your kids.

Don't pickle your kids. It's nearly rule number one of parenthood. Don't pickle your kids. Oh, God. And he brought him back to life. And then what? Then the dad probably just killed him again. And then...

And then... And then... He pickled the dad. Did you really? Well, I mean, none of this actually happened, surely. I'm telling you that a real person brought some kids who were chopped up back to life. That didn't happen? Well, I mean, it was written down.

Proved that it didn't. No, good point. Good point. I can't do it. So anyway, because he unpickled the kids, he became the patron saint of children. Of pickles. And pickles. No, no.

He was the un-pickled. Hades. That's why... Pickle for nickel. That's why cheeseburgers at McDonald's served with two pieces of pickle in celebration of St. Nickel. Oh, you knew that.

Yeah, that was the next paragraph. Sorry. That was the next paragraph that Jerry Bauer went on to talk about. Jerry Bauer. Clearly, uh, nothing wrong with him. He's fine. Jerry's fine. So there's two levels there.

There's a guy who's just seen two, three women that are about to be sold to slavery and then he's put a doury. and then there's a guy who's resurrected three. Yeah, that's right. So apparently he had a lot of miracles attributed to him. It was a big miracle man. That's why, like, you used to have to,

or you still might have to do at least two miracles to become a saint. Yeah, but that's what I thought. I thought. I think they're the rules. To become a saint, you have to prove to be done two miracles, I believe. Yeah. But giving a dowry is probably not a miracle. Well, that wasn't, I don't, I think there was other miracles.

Apparently you had a whole bag full of miracles. Did he only do things in groups of three, like three daughters? Yeah, he was a big fan of three sons. He saw a blind man. I'm not going to help you out, mate, unless you find two brothers with the same condition. You have two blind mates? Come and see me. Sounds more poetic.

You like pickles? I got heaps of them. A couple of barrels full of pickles. Gross. Yeah, the kids, I don't know, he brought, he said they were resurrected, but it didn't say anything about them being unpickled. So maybe they lived out their lives. They still in pieces. Yeah.

Pickled pieces. Picked pieces. What a brutal existence that would have been. Yeah, San Nicolas was so nice after all. Kids would have been brutal at school, though, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. I had hard enough time with red hair. Can't imagine being pickled.

Can't imagine rocking up first day as a pickled boy. Imagine your name rhyming with girkin. And being pickled. I'd be bloody murdered. Oh, you'd be mercant. Please do you go on, Matt. Save me, save me. Be mercant.

Turned into a pubic. He said save him, not make it worse. Okay, good. So he died on the 6th of December sometime around 343, the year 343. A good year. A good year. A good year. Yeah, 3403 is fine, yeah.

Around the year 343. So the 6th of December became his feast day. He wasn't very old then. Oh, wait. Yes, he was. Yeah, he was quite old. I'm sorry, yeah, I can't do maths. He was very old.

He had to have time to grow up. Did he have this beer that we all know? Yeah, probably. I don't think big razors had been invented yet, so I think they all did. They used to shave, rocks, I guess. They would have had knives or something, right? Oh, they would have had knives. Yeah, you'd probably just cut them off with a knife and forth.

Just cut it off. Just hack it off. Like a sword. They would have had swords. Oh, they would have swords. Yeah, we could just use that. I don't know. The Romans had swords right, though.

Sores are being around for many a year. If you had a sword, you would have had smaller swords. Shaving swords. Just the shaving swords. Look, I didn't. research swords. I barely researched Santa. Probably just rub your face against a brick.

You know that classic method? That's how I do it. Yeah, that's the old one. God, you look great. Thank you. No, not a hair and sight. So, and that date the 6th of December was seen, and it's still, by some people, seen as a lucky day, and a good day to get married for a long time.

Sixth of December. Oh, right. Yeah. Keep it in mind. Because a guy died that day. It's seen as... It's like how we celebrate Easter. Yes, Jesus died.

That's the day he rose. Oh, yeah. Good Friday he died. You know I went to Christian school. Yeah, so did I. All right. I should... Oh, bloody, me being the be heathen over here.

Oh, this guy. I'm just sitting in the corner shaving with the brick. You have nothing going on. Yeah, back to your bricks. St. Nicholas, he also... Yeah, that's right, the Lord's on your coin. His other miracle was he would shave people at a really reasonable price. What a miracle.

Only two bucks. What a bargain. He had a huge cue every day. And to Nick's Bargain Barber. He's got a great ring to it. I'll shave your face and pickle your kids. Wait, he didn't pickle the kids. I feel like you're getting tripped up on this.

No. I'll resurrect your kids. Well, I didn't say that either. I'll resurrect your semi-pickled kids Pick your peck of pickles peppers So I'll resurrect like You know resurrecting sort of It can mean

Just mean like bringing it back to life Right that's what sort of So maybe Maybe it can mean Isn't that the only mean It can and does mean So maybe Maybe when he said he resurrected

It maybe he thought you know Like you resurrect Like someone has burnt the toast And you're resurrected by scraping some of it off. Maybe he's just turned it into another meal. You know what? Maybe they were just having a nap. You know when your people were sort of joke like, oh, she's resurrected if you had a really

long sleep. Yeah. Maybe the kids are just asleep, but he woke them up. He just had like something just banging some pots and pans together, waking the kids out. I think we're giving him too much credit. Here we are like, oh, he saved some kids' lives and I'd pickled him. It's highly a miracle. Well, you know what? I believe it's more likely that in the year 300, he had pots and pans

and he was banging them together. Then he resurrected a couple of briny children in a barrel. Mystery solved. Here's a thing, according to the Encyclopedia Britannica, his existence is not attested by any historical document. So nothing certain is known about his life, apart from the fact. I love how this is written. So nothing certain is known of his life except that he was probably Bishop of Mira in the 4th century.

Nothing is certain. This is either the way I've totally transcribed it or just written it down like an idiot. Nothing is certain. Except a very specific fact. Yeah. But probable. Yeah, that's not certain.

So is a bishop. So he's a bishop as well. Cool. What is certain is that he was probably a bishop. Okay, good. Thank God that's clear enough. He was buried in his church at Myra. And in the sixth century, his shrine there had become quite well known.

After the first millennium, around 1087, is that what we'll call that year? 1087 Italian sailors, all merchants, stole his alleged remains from Myra and took them to Barri in Italy. This removal greatly increased the saint's popularity in Europe. Was it just a marketing campaign? It was a marketing campaign. It's like when the Mona Lisa went missing. Exactly. So they didn't steal his bones

Well, they did. They did steal his bones Yeah, his bones were stolen Allegedly So I mean, they assume I mean, this could be anyone, right? I think they think it is. Yeah, they get in there at the crypt

And there's like a hundred bodies Like, just grab the first one on the ride But he was the bishop So I think he had a special burial spot So it was, I think it was pretty clearly marked It wasn't like a big, big pile of bishop bodies That they had to sort through.

Throw it in the bishop hole. It became a super popular spot There was a lot of pilgrimages there, pilgrimai there in the 11th century. But are people cracking the shits back at home that his body's been stolen? I think cracking the shits was also the technical term. Exactly. I bloody cracked. Is this in Turkey as I'm?

So he was from in Turkey. He was buried in Turkey. It wasn't Turkey at the time. The merchants took him back to Italy. Yeah, that's right. But did he have any affinity with Italy? Of Italy? Well, I mean, he was a Christian.

saint and Italy is like... Okay, fair enough. Yeah, that's enough to justify getting... Yeah, cool cool. They're like, they're big into into all that gear. So I think that was a big part of why. In the Middle Ages, he became the patron saint of Russia, of Greece, of charitable

fraternities and guilds of children, of sailors, which maybe is because they stole him. Unmarried girls. Which I would imagine is most girls, but maybe not at the time. merchants, just in case

that was who stole him. What about unmarried female merchants? Porn brokers. Oh. And of such cities as Freiburg in Switzerland and Moscow. Well, it might lead to believe that they're really struggling. There's not enough saints to go around at the time. They're a he just, but he was very popular.

Everyone wanted a piece of him. He was like the most loved saint of the time. The Elvis Presley of Saints. For a guy was dead 800 years. He was some, yeah, he was the Elvis Presley of Saints. If Elvis was a guy who was still popular 800 of the years after he died. Yeah. Well, nothing said.

Exactly. Proved that he didn't. I like this little thing I found. There was a little while in the Middle Ages where a custom came about that had a boy being elected as bishop on St. Nicholas Day, the 6th of December. And he would reign until the Feast of the Holy Innocence on December 28th. So a boy... A little boy would become bishop, just at random. Oh, that's kind of cute.

I'm imagining even his little bishop hut? Three weeks. His little bishop ride? Oh, he used to go over nap because he's all tired from bishoping. Oh, he's so good. And then what happens? That's a pickle him? Yeah, then he...

And they throw him down the bishop, because he's not bishop in a room. Throw him the bishop hole. God, imagine peaking at like six years old. You know? Like, you'll never be better than that. Oh, my God. Imagine that day. Where were you at six years?

I'm kind of pegged at 18. These are the child stars of the 14th century. Yeah. Wow. And they just get into drugs, obscurity. Then they do a nude shoot. They just get desperate. It'll help their image as an adult.

Like, stop thinking me as a child. But it's just worse. It makes it so much worse. Sometimes it pays off sexifying yourself. Mysaurus did it? Yeah. Yeah. So what's the...

It didn't work for Nikki Webb stuff, you know? Justin Timberlake. Did he do it? He was a Disney guy and he began sexifying himself. No, justifying, justifying himself. Another surefire way to get yourself back onto the main stage. Just justify your talent. Just be talent.

Who else? It's got to work for some people. Child stars have made it as adult stars. Miley Cyrus. Justin Timberley. Sure. Ryan Gosling? He was a child.

He was once a child He performed in the Mickey Mouse Club That was where Juzzy T was from as well Yeah, yeah No shit I don't think he's ever been referred to as Juzzy T ever Which I love Because I have a lot

Juzzy cheese Oh Zazzy That's weird What do you call him Anyway, off topic I call him Justin Timbleg personally That's what I call him When I'm on the phone to him

Yeah Hello Justin Timbleg And he's like just you can just call me Justin I'm like nah Nah I like saying it out loud when I'm... Just call me Jazzy tea. Just call me Jazzy tea.

Matt does. I shan't be doing that, Justin Timberlake. Thank you. I like saying it out loud but I'm in public so people know I'm on the phone to you. Justin Timberlake. And please also refer to me only as Jessica and Elizabeth Perkins, the third. Thank you. I'm not really a third, but I add it.

Matt's face lit up just then. Well, I just made me think, ah, you'd work really well in a St. Nicholas' miracle scheme. Yeah. There's three of you. Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point, but no. Your ancestors still kicking.

No. Well, maybe he can bring them back to life. Or put them into an off burger or something. Pickle. Okay. All right. After the Protestant Reformation, which is a big thing in the church, St. Nick's popularity started to wane.

Basically, all the saints did. They stopped lifting up the saints. It was about God and Jesus now. Forget the saints. All the humans can get fucked. We're taking it back to basics. Yeah. The big two.

So, yeah, St. Nick lost out in popularity there. Yeah, he lost to God. Yeah, God. Well, you've got to be beaten by someone. I'd happily lose to God. Yeah, I reckon he probably would have, too. Like, if he really was a guy who cared about that stuff, I reckon he would have like, yeah, that probably makes sense.

Good decision, yeah. For a while there, he was bigger than Jesus, but then, said Nick. Yeah. Catches up with you. And this happened nearly all the way through Europe. He just like, he went from being talked about a lot. his death date was celebrated whose feast day they called it

a bit of spin there death date and um but yeah all of a sudden nearly instantly it just had dropped off even Russia dropped him even Russia but the Netherlands did not they never lost faith in Netherlands stuck on and that is where

Sinterklaus came about which is kind of the dutchifying of the name St Nicholas and when's this this is In the last thousand years. That's fine. We only ran up to the thousands in this podcast anyway.

That's one thing, yeah. Yep, great. I'm on board. We're not about specifics in this fact-based podcast. Oh, no, my God. No, no, no. Sinterclaus. Sinterclaus.

Is also known as these three other names in the Netherlands. See if you can guess what they translate to. The Sint? The saint. Correct. All right, good. Was that it? The good saint?

Yes. Very good. Oh, my God, do you speak Dutch? I didn't actually, yeah. I have travelled. I might not be pronouncing them perfectly. No, actually. And thirdly, another.

Rule of three. And look at how many people present this podcast. He was also a really good stand-up comedian. Yeah, he knew about the rule of three. And thirdly, the good hallege man. Sorry, how did he spell the H-L-I-I-G? The G might be signed. The good H-L-L-L-E-L-E-N.

The good H-L-L-I-N. Yes, the good holy man. I reckon I could speak Dutch. It's pretty good, isn't it? Yes, I agree. Sinterklaus. I'd like, I'd like to think that's how it's pronounced. Hmm.

Good. Sinter-Claus is celebrated annually with the giving of gifts to children, either on the eve or the morning of the 6th of December. So still on his feast date. And according to Wikipedia, I know we don't always like to use Wikipedia, but according to Wikipedia, Sinterclass is an elderly, stately and serious man with white hair and a long full beard. Serious.

Serious. Yeah, that was the only reason I read out that quote. Because it was like, yeah, that's not what you think of. No, you wouldn't think you see. Santa Claus is the ho-ho-ho-ho. I suppose he's a great business man, so. Yeah, true. I mean, you have to be serious sometimes.

Yeah. You can still be fun and serious. Yeah. All right, fair enough. He's serious when it counts. Yeah. Tough but fair, I like to think. Do you guys know how Cinterclaus arrives in the Netherlands?

He arrives in November. Oh no, he gets lost. But he comes via steamboat from Spain. Wait. So is Ciclauze? Spanish or is that just where he's headquarters are? That's sort of like where he's, I think that's, yeah, a bit of both. I think that's where the Levy is from.

The Labor was much cheaper in Spain. Yeah. And that's where, yeah. Wow. And again, like, what nationality do we think Santa Claus is? Like, he doesn't have a nationality. Some sort of Scandinavian thing I imagine. He's a citizen of the world.

Yeah, that's right. So it's funny, just like such an old school. Because, you know, a lot of the traditions are just like, this is whatever was the cool mode of transport when we've invented this thing. And now that's the tradition. Yeah. No, this is on about you to see him. Hello!

Leamos Santa! Do you guys know about Sinterklauze's sidekick? Please tell me his little Spanish dog. No, no. He's Adora the Explorer. No, it's more controversial than that. You bastard.

Adora the Explorer. is this controversial sidekick? I'm just trying to get on a serious tone because it's kind of a controversial sidekick. Oh God, is that a bit racial? Yeah, a little bit. It dates back to the early 19th century, so not all that old. And his name is, I'm going to have a crack at the pronunciation, Zwart Piet.

Zwart piet. Or the plural Zwati Pieten. There's two of him. And Zwart. There could be many. It sort of feels like very similar to the elves. Elf, like things. Swart, but often it's just the one.

Like, it'll just be the two of them or how they get about. That's the thing that's where it came from. But Zwart Piet is commonly portrayed by a man in blackface. Oh, okay. Some say the black face is because he's being depicted as a moor from Spain, which certainly doesn't make it any better. and others say that it is because his face has been covered by chimney soot. Let's go with that.

Yeah, let's go with option two, I reckon. He just doesn't wash his face. Yeah. It's just a dirty little boy. It's too busy. It makes you feel so uncomfortable. Too busy putting coal in that steamboat. Yeah.

Anyway, moving on. Yeah, there's something, that's so weird. It's like such a white country or traditionally the Netherlands and it's just like, anyway. Cintaclouse. And Zwat Piet are typically depicted carrying a bag which contains candy for nice children and a broom used to spank bad kids. So it doesn't even leave, I thought it was going to, like, it leaves brooms for the naughty kids so they have to like clean up.

But I was like, come on, come here, you're getting your spank. He does the job himself. Candy for you, I'll beat you in your bed. So it's kind of admirable in a way. Instead of just leaving coal, he gets the job done. Just give me a little whack. Yeah, but I imagine the parents, especially the poorer families, are like, probably we love some cold. Yeah.

Yeah. It's really cold. Yeah. Good point. The, yeah, it does seem like a lot of this tradition goes back to parents just wanting to make their kids behave. Like, Santa Claus is the same. He knows who's been naughty and nice, sort of thing. And I guess that's where it comes from.

That's omitted third verse about beating you with a little broom handle. Yeah. He knows where your mom keeps the broom. So, yeah. Do yourself a favour. He won't hold back with force. Brooms are big things to hit with. It probably gets a good, like, swing, too.

Yeah. No? It's like a real run-up. His theme boat is just fuelled by broken broomsticks. Allegedly. A bunch of the... This is all allegedly. I'm not going to get in trouble here.

Admittedly, none of this is. Love it. That's fact. A bunch of the tradition, the St. Nicholas Sinterklaus tradition, is sought to have come from the legend of Odin. Great Odin's beard. So all of it, yeah. The beard, for instance, the big white flowing beard. Some say that, so a few different things got merged together at some point in the past,

including, yeah, old Norse legend and stuff like that as well. Some of the similarities that are found on, I think, I think it was, again, on Wikipedia, were between St. Nick and Odin. And these things were supposedly happened when Christianity spread through Europe. So Europe had their gods. And then Christianity came through and they sort of held onto some things. A lot of Christmas just goes back well beyond Christianity. So here are some of the things that are similar between Odin and Sinterklaas.

They both ride on the rooftops on a white horse. so that the Sinter Claus is on a white horse. Hang on what happened to the boat. He gets on the boat. Yeah, with his big white horse that can fly. Flying white horse. Seems weird. Why don't you just take the flying horse?

It might get tired. Oh, yeah, true. It's a long way. And if you're just going from like rooftop to rooftop, then the horse gets a chance to sort of have a break. Yeah, but you've got a flight from Spain. That's like a couple of thousand kilometers. Yeah, that's too far.

No, absolutely. You need the boat for that one. It's a while. That's why a steamboat. Fastest mode of transportation. It's basically a cruise ship. Santa Claus gives chocolate letters to children. And Odin gave run letters to man.

I'm a big chocolate fan, but I've never had a chocolate letter. What's that? It's a letter filled with chocolate? No, it's just a... Like the letter... Like a letter M or a letter? Yeah. That's how I read it.

Or is it like the Ten Commandments on Concord? Is it like a letter on chocolate? Oh man, that'd be delicious. Like, dear Jess. How good with the tent? A couple of tablets of chocolate. I'm so hungry right now for chocolate. Yeah, but then would you eat it?

What if it was a really nice letter? Oh, no. I'd definitely eat it. It would last about five seconds. Okay. I would eat it one by one. Okay. I would eat it one by one.

Don't waste your chocolate. Don't waste it. Just write your bloody letter on paper like a schmuck. Send me a text and give us a block of Cadbury and I'll be really apt. Okay. And so the third one, again, the three. The third one was that they both carry a staff and have mischievous helpers.

One of them, guards with black faces. And the other one, black ravens. I'm waiting. Black ravens. Oh. So Odin had black ravens. Offensive to some. Huggin and Munon.

That's not how they pronounce. And they both of those crews would report back. their master and tell what the people were doing. Were they being good or were they being bad? Oh, so they're spying. Yeah, they're spies. So that's how he was finding out. Yeah, that was the thing that they did.

Little Zwart-Pietz sort of peering at you through the window. They're kind of like the SS Gestapo of the 14th century. No. Elves don't, how does Santa know? He just knows. He just knows. He's always... Way more efficient.

Yeah. Way more. If you're going to make something up. Just make it magical. Just make it the guy knows it. Everything. Otherwise, kids are just going to be scared of Ravens. Yeah.

Well, would you already, you should be. If you're in the days of Odin. Yeah. Anyway, so that's kind of my super superficial, a little rundown of Sinterklaus. So how do we get from Sinterklaas to Santa Claus? That's the ultimate question. Invent the letter A. Yeah, that was it.

That's it. All right, let's wrap it up. End of pod. End of pod. Thanks, everyone. Nearly every episode at some point. I think it's usually me. Isn't it just like, and we're done.

See you later, everybody. I'm all right. Just just likes to wrap it up really quick. She's always got somewhere to be. I don't, so I demand you go on every time. I'm sorry, I'll stop doing that. She catches her steamboat onto her next gig. Doot, too.

It's my little tugboat. Dog, dog, dog, dog. Tug boats. So the Dutch brought the Sinterklaus tradition to America with them in the late 1700. It makes sense. It was their thing. They just brought it out with them. And there was a big Dutch settlement called New Amsterdam.

You heard of that? Yeah. I hadn't heard of it. Well, I've heard of it in the sense that there's a restaurant here in Melbourne called New Amsterdam. Yeah, there's like a bar. Apparently that was what New York City was originally called. Oh, that was where, yeah. And so where they settled is now New York City?

Yeah, on Manhattan was New Amsterdam. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, so it feels like the Dutch just got everywhere and went, No, not into it. Bailed. The British or whoever. That's what happened in Australia, kind of. Yeah.

Yeah, they just don't like. And Demon's land and stuff. Yeah. Well, they probably thought this is a long way for Sinterlaus to go on a steamboat from Spain. Yeah. He already has to get to the Netherlands in November just to get around to everybody. He's got to then, like, turn around. I love how he gets there early.

And he parades in the streets, apparently. Yeah. See, Santa Claus is more humble, you know? He just kind of drops in, does his thing, And then he's like, no, no, no fuss. As a kid, did anyone explain away why Santa Claus is in every shopping center? I don't remember that being explained. The H word, helpers, is what I heard.

That's what they gave me as well. That's just a Santa helper. Yeah. You believed he was real until you figured out that it wasn't possible and you asked the question. And then just the boost, give you another couple of years. Yeah. You're pretty much onto it at that point. Yeah.

But you think if you're too onto it, then you won't get presents. Yeah. I was sorry. Plus you want to believe. I wanted to believe so hard. I was told... It's fun. Early...

In early primary school, I remember a kid saying to me, oh, buddy, saw my parents come in to the Santa. I'm like, what are you talking about? And he's like, yeah. My dad, Santa, it's just had parents. Oh, come on. And I go to him, this isn't how I found out. I mean, this isn't how I first believed.

Because I said to him... Mate. I was very, I fully believed in Christianity. I was a big Jesus guy. I was a big Jesus guy. As a six-year-old or five-year-old. And I said, if you don't believe in Santa Claus,

then you don't believe in Jesus. Oh, yes. Do you not believe in Jesus, John? It sounds like a Bible parable. You were so preachy. I love the... No. Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, and he's like, well... Anyway, I definitely saw my parents doing it, so... And John's like... Well, did you? I don't think you did, John. What a... I was such a fucking... John's like, I've never caught my dad dressing up as Jesus.

So, yeah, he exists. Yeah, yeah. It's just Santa, mate. But I feel I believed on for a few years after that. Good on you for persevering. I think I just, I loved it so much. But I just, yeah, and I believed in Jesus. So I was like 16.

But that even longer than when I was doing it. John comes down and goes, oh, you never believe what I saw on the bloody weekend. Yeah. It's just dad. Your dad is Jesus. God damn it, John. That was his first. That frees me of a lot of guilt.

That's great. Oh, that Catholic guilt. That's a 16-year-old, yeah. All right. So, yeah, I guess you can, it's obviously not a huge leap from Centecost to Santa Claus. So I think it was just sort of the anglification of his name. But the evolution of Santa still had ages to go because it was still this guy who was on a white horse, who was a serious guy and had blackface helpers, which is, yeah.

Anyway, but a big thing, probably the biggest thing. that shaped our modern vision of Santa Claus. It happened in 1822. Do you know Clement Clark Moore? That's a great name. He wrote a Christmas poem for his children called An Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas. It's a very boring title.

It is. It's now better known as Twas the Night Before Christmas. Much better ring to it. Much better. So I didn't realize that, but everything in that poem was basically the first time. It's true. I didn't realize

But yeah, that is a factual account Of a night Before Christmas Yeah So a lot of the things in that poem Was just from his fantasy And a few things He just sort of picked up

From different bits and pieces And brought them all together So that was the first time He was Called a jolly He was a right jolly old elf So but he was seen as being an elf Like a small guy at this stage

Oh, wow, so Santa was small. Yeah, but after this poem, but not long after that, he became the fully grown human man. He grew up. Magic man. Yeah, yeah. So in this poem, we had a portly figure. He was delivering presents on Christmas Eve with eight flying reindeer and the ability to ascend a chimney.

So he was, he came up with the reindeer, basically. I feel like Dave's the kind of guy who can name all the reindeer. Oh, good, yeah, I was going to ask that. You want them? I think I can't. I reckon you can do it. Dasher, dancer, prancer, vixen. Comet, Cupid, Donna and Blitzen.

But do you recall? That's right. I had to sing Rudolph the Red Nose Rundice when I was dressed in the fat suits. Of course you did. That was it, in order. Well done. And so our man, our man, Clam and Clark Moore. He named him.

He named him. That's where the names come from. Wow. That is a legacy. That's pretty cool. Yeah. That's great, right? But the original ones were called Dunder and Blixom.

Oh. And they've been changed to Donna and Blitzin over time, probably because they sound slightly more like real words. Dunder. That's right. Clement, come on, mate. Put your head out of your eyes. You nearly got it there.

I mean, you're making up all this bullshit anyway, but come on. Make it believable, would you? Dunder. Dunder. Never heard of it. Dunder struck. That particular idea has an electric guitar. So he's seen as one of the main guys who created this modern vision of sanity.

The other guy was a political cartoonist named Thomas Nast. He nasty. Nasty. Yeah, nasty to his birds. He's bros. In 1881, he drew a cartoon that is the first representation. supposedly, of what we see is the modern Santa Claus. So his cartoon appeared in the publication Harper's Weekly,

and it depicted Santa as a rotund, cheerful man with a full white beard holding a sack of toys. So here's the question. Who came up with the red colour of Sanders' get-up? I believe it may be... The government. Is it a... It's the man.

Is it a very... Which government? American. Which administration? Oh, Nixon. Yes. It was Nixon. It's Nixon at the top. I declare my...

What a gate was all about. My time at the top, like a red Fanta Claus. Yeah. I think it may be a very successful an American company. Hormat. It was a home-mark. A drinks company, is it? Coca-Cola.

Is it Coca-Cola? That apparently, I fully believe that, but apparently that is a myth. Oh. Oh, my God. Really? So it was Nixon. Apparently it was our man. Our man, Nass had a lot to do with it.

Nasty. I'm a big fan of Snopes. Whenever I hear something that I'm not, you know Snopes.com? It's like a, kind of like a mythbusting. Oh, cool, cool, yeah. So whenever you see something that's gone viral, before I'm like,

that seems too good to be true or too fuck to be true or something like, I'm like, I can't just enjoy this. Yeah. So you just go into Snopes and you type in, Is Steve Irwin dead? Yeah, yeah. Well, he is.

Okay. I can, yep, put the profile picture out. Here it goes. That's right. Me and Steve. You and Steve that time? Your time at the top. Oh, God.

Too soon, Matt. Nah, he's been dead for ages. Nah, he's been dead for, he died in 2006. That was a good year. Rocky also died that year. Oh, God. I repeat. No.

Not a good year for big oldies. Good year. Ten years next year. Jeez, always. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm assuming we'll have a public holiday. Oh, bloody. Oh, boy.

Oh, one day. Well, we have that feast every year. It's like St. Nicholas. Yeah, that's the... Doesn't I feel like he'd go the birthday? Yeah, you don't know if they knew what day it was, I guess. Because there's no official record. Did he even exist?

We've still been about Steve Owen, yeah? Did he exist? Nobody knows. So I'll just read another quote directly off Snopes, if you don't mind. This is when I looked up their Coca-Cola did. Coke. Because the idea was that Coke's famous red coloured cans and bott or bottles back then. That's what I assumed.

They brought it in. So this is what they said. It is not true in any realistic sense that Coca-Cola created the modern Santa Claus. They did not invent the now familiar rotan bearded fellow clothed in red and white garb,

nor did they pluck him from a pantheon of competing visually different Christmas time figures. What a great way with words there, but snow. Pant film. Figures and elevate him to the supreme symbol of Christmas gift giving. The red and white Santa figure existed long before Coca-Cola began featuring him in print advertisements, and he had already supplanted a bevy of competitors to become the standard representation of Santa Claus before he began his tenure as a pitchman for Coke.

Snooped. He got snoped. Or Coke got snoped. But yeah, it's... Copeed. I think that is a, I reckon that is a really widely held belief that Coke did come out. I definitely. But once you say it, I'm like, oh yeah, that would make sense.

Like, I would believe that. Yeah, yeah, totally. Because he, I think they used him in their advertising a lot. And I reckon it definitely helped push it along as been right in the middle of the, the, uh, the zeitguise. I was going to say a zeitgast. I'm going, should I have a crack at Zydgast? It's one of those words. Right, you've narrowed, nailed Sinterklaus today.

So you're on fire. All right. You've fluently spoken Dutch today. According to Britannica again. I think this show might need a translation. So much Dutch. For our international listeners. Well, all right.

I'll say this in what I assume is Dutch. Accounting to Britannica. That's super racist. Okay, good. At a point. I feel it's funny how things don't feel racist when it's about a wealthy white nation. I think doing an impression of... But here's my Vietnamese impression.

Racist. I don't think that's racial. You're just not as talented as accents as I am, as you may have heard my terrible Richard Nixon impression about five seconds. I thought it was pretty good. It was. And your Santa Claus accent, as you said before. Apparently Scottish.

Was not even trying for that. That's how good I am. You don't even try. I won't even try. I don't even have to try my racism. It comes naturally. Exactly. I'm a natural racist.

Let's edit that out of context. Yep. So according to Britannica, Nass was the one who gave Santa his bright red trimmed, bright red suit trimmed with white fur. Also, he gave us, or gave Santa the North Pole Workshop. He gave him elves and he gave him his wife, Mrs. Claus. He gave him a lot. It's very generous. Isn't that crazy.

A political cartoonist had, it would have just a thing he did one day. Yeah, he just whipped it up. Wouldn't have thought it would have had any sort of laughing imprint, but it changed everything. That's amazing. Like a huge legacy. Yeah. Nast. Nasty man.

I found this kind of interesting. I looked up on the Coca-Cola website to see if they were at all claiming it. And they also said that it wasn't them. But they did say... Wasn't me. In 1942... In 1942, Coca-Cola, it's this off the Coke website. They introduced the character along with their Santa in their advertisement called Sprite Boy.

We're very creative, were that? That sounds like a character. I was going to say, Sprite Boy, that's the title for you. But a, but, and this was, so this is in 1942, and that character appeared with Santa Claus in their ads throughout the 40s and 50s. It's Sprite boy. And Sprite boy. The year is 1942.

Oh, look, here's Santa Claus and his friends, Sprite boy. And he got his name due to the fact that he was a Sprite or an elf. Yeah, okay. And it wasn't until the 60s that Coke even introduced the popular beverage Sprite. Oh, it was pre-sprite. Yeah, it was pre-sprit. I thought it was a horrible... Yeah.

You used to think it was a horrible tie-in. I thought it was a horrible tie-in. Did you want me to do some more of my 1940s announcer voice? Yes, please. Tell us about his little baby friend lift. And fanta. I'm not doing it. So that's pretty much all I was going to chat about Santa.

There are so many other... La Bofana, Bofana, I think. Is the Italian? It's a woman. Oh, it's so good. And she's like a little hunch over lady. She's like a non-a. Yeah, I love it.

And I'm pretty sure she gives presents, but I think there might also be food involved because Italian. There's this one that I really like. Presents and bread. That also came in... I think it's La Bofano. I'm sorry if I said that wrong to any Italians. I might Google while you finish.

Yeah, you Google. I don't want to look like. Like an idiot. Yeah. So there was, there's this one guy, Christkind. Maybe Chris Kind. Can you about to say Christ Boy? Christ Boy, which is basically what it is.

Oh my God. It's Bethan. It's basically, yeah, just kind of like a godchild or something like that. Little Jesus, okay. Oh, man, this is another character I'm born to play. Christ Boy. Is it Christ Boy? What's your name?

Christkind. Christkind. Christkind. And he came about as well because of the Protestant Reformation in 16th-17th-century Europe. And that was because they didn't want to be, you know, they were taken, they didn't want to be concerned with the saints. They weren't boosting up the saints. They wanted just to be Christ and God and stuff.

So it ended up been, that's when it changed from December 6th to Christmas Eve in a lot of places, like the gift-giving change. And a little boy, Christkind, came around and... Creepy. Drop presents on you. Boom. And I'm gone. I forget that phrase of Christboy.

Boom, and I'm gone. Tonka truck for you, Matt. And I'm gone. What do I get? What do I get, Dave? What do I get, Christboy? You want that race to scooter? Uh-oh.

And I'm gone. And I'm gone. And I'm gone. A boom. You got Christ. See, I told you, I've just got this gift for accents. You do. Character work is really, it's your strength.

Do you know what? I don't know, so hopefully you know. Do you know Father Christmas, the British one? What's it? What was his catchphrase? What does he say when he drops off then? Jess, you know, you've got a British connection. That is home.

I knew I would remember this thing. Not great. Not great. I panicked. I panicked. I panicked. Just a Merry Christmas. and a few hose.

I feel like Daddy's home slowly bad, I don't know. Daddy's home is correct. Oh, pardon me, sorry. I'm sorry, he's British. Daddy's home! Still doing the really gangster hand gestures, though.

Daddy's home, motherfuckers. Daddy's home. Oh, daddy. Daddy's home. Cawblimy, Daddy's home. Home for Christmas. Daddy's home, in me. Home from Oxford for Christmas.

So Father Christmas is the English one It has no real connection at all To the Santa Claus story That's a separate one But now over time The two have kind of merged together And Father Christmas Has taken all

Like Santa Claus has kind of Got a bit of globalification going on Globalification Globalisation Oh my God It's all good I was about to say gobblerification That's right

Globalisation Santa is the number six cores for CO2 gas emissions. It's terrifying the planet. So Father Christmas started a separate thing around a thousand years ago. And he used to say, Daddy's Home. But over time, that's been Americanified. Needle's voice.

Daddy's home. More American. Daddy. Daddy's home. Daddy's home. Hey, Daddy's home. Children. Okay.

I know your story. Hey there Hey there Howdy Party Alrighty Okay dokey Where are you from

Minnesota You're going to You're going to Oh juby A couple of twis There for your caddies Is that Irish? Oh dearie me

Wow You've really scared A lot of generations Around the world Okay dokey Now you've bit Canadian Okay you do. I'm just south of the Canadian border.

Okay. Okay. Oh my God. Not good. Now I'm just worried Matt's having a stroke and we're just laughing. I know. He's trying to get... Matt, you're out. Get in the car.

Get in the car. Get in the car. What's the Australian Santa? Santa. Santa. Santa. What would he say? What's his thing?

All right. Right. Right. He says... Tasha. Get in the car. Prancer. I'll just be a Jiff.

Get in the fucking car. Get in the car. Here we go. Start her up. All right. I'm a couple hours behind schedule. She'll be right. Yeah, so I've found that in a

I just thought Father Christmas and Santa Claus was the same thing. But apparently it's slowly becoming the same thing, but he started in a totally different spot. I just want to say, wouldn't it be so weird if you overlook all the other changes for you to come back to life in about 1800 years time and your life story is slowly evolved into the millions,

billions around the world celebrate it and then people dress up in shopping centres. Yeah. And you're like, that doesn't even fucking look like me. That has nothing to do with me. But why are they calling you my name? They're like, yeah, and it's all come from you. Because one time. If you're...

You put together some briny boys. That's right. You put them back together. You do one fucking miracle. And they're still talking about you in 18 hundred years time. Let it go, people. Let it go. Come on.

I did other stuff. I was a bishop. Probably. I was probably a bishop. That's the only thing I know for sure about myself. Probably a bishop. It was a long time ago. I got a pretty bad memory.

I, um, is there anything else? Do you have any other knowledge? Like, I've found that I didn't know anything about any of that. Yeah. I just thought, I assumed it went way back. Not just a couple hundred years to, New York City. New York.

Not even. A lot of that stuff came is less than 200 years old. It's a red suit, the flying reindeer's. And it's pretty amazing how it spreads. Like it starts with something so small and then, you know, now it's just what we accept. And it just because it's so happened in this, like, relatively small period where the US was the dominant cultural power. Like in the history of the world, that's only going to be a blip.

But because it was a blip at that time, maybe it's going to morph again. Maybe when China just dominates us with their culture, it'll become like, it'll change again over the year. Yeah, maybe. I wonder. I'm pretty sure that Santa is the most frequently appearing character in movies. Right, that would make sense too. Yeah.

It's got like 800 something crazy. Tim Allen in the Santa Claus. Great movie. So one, two, three, three credits right there. Did you want to, because you asked before how we found out. Yes, that's why I thought that would be a nice way to finish. Mine's a little bit. it's not that interesting.

It's that I found the wrapping paper that was used on the Christmas presents in the cupboard. And I was like, hang on a sec. That's great. What are the chances that Mum and Santa shop at the same place? Hang on, the North Pole's a long way away. They wouldn't have this paper there, surely. My brother's seven years older than me too,

so he had to keep it. He had to just keep a lid on it for a long time. So how old were you? I reckon I was probably seven or eight. Is that old to have found out? Not as old as me. I reckon I had my suspicions that that's sort of when I went to mum like, Mum, come on, tell me, I'm a big girl now.

Well, I was not a big girl until I was 10. You found out 10? That's all right. Well, I was, I thought, I reckon for two Christmases beforehand, I thought about it. You had your suspicion. I had suspicions, but I, like you, man, I wanted it to be real, and I remember exactly where I was, took Mum aside into her onsuit off the master bedroom. He's from the Aphalonies. Oh no, my parents have always had an onsuit.

Oh, my God. You're also from the affornese. Took her aside and I closed the door. She was probably thinking that I was about to ask like a question about what sex or where babies come from. But I was like, Mom, is Santa real? And I was hoping that she was going to be like, of course it is. And I'd be like, great, run away. Never asking him.

She's like, I'm afraid not. And it was bloody heartbroken. Yeah, that's tricky. It feels like. No, she did the right thing, though. She probably did. I would have asked the follow. up question before giving

I would have said, why do you ask? Yeah. What do you think? What do you think? What's John been saying now? Yeah, bloody John. But your sister,

you have an older sister, right? Yeah, she's three years old. So she had to keep it to cry too. She was early teens by this stage. Yeah. And I nearly spoiled it for my cousins won Christmas. Oh, you've got to be careful.

When I was about 14, and they're like between two of them, between eight and like 11 years younger. So, you know, they're six and three or something. and then they're like, maybe I was 13 and they, because I wasn't trying to be a dickhead about it, but they were like, oh, this one's from Santa.

And I'm like, ha, ha, good one. Santa isn't real. And they're like, shut them, shit. They didn't, they didn't ruin it for him. That's okay. You nearly did. Oh, I'd be feeling so guilty if I had.

See, on mum's side of the family, there's 12 grandkids, and I'm third. So, like, it was my job to shut the middle ones up. So they didn't say anything to the little ones. Yeah, they'd kind of, oh, look what Santa brought. And they'd do the eye rolling and stuff. and I would just punch them. I was like, you shut up, you don't ruin it for the little ones. It is a mean thing.

But then I thought, because I really genuinely never feel that excited, and it feels like this real magic thing. Yeah. So I feel like the gift of that is bigger than the fucker, fucking them over by lying to them. And all of us have turned out fine, having found out. It's not like a thing you're hurting them with a lie. And I used to like lose my shit because we'd leave out a carrot.

Yeah. And then like that mum would like, yeah, and you'd be like, oh, the rage. I left Santa a letter, he read it. Isn't it? Doesn't that make looking, and I'm gone? I eat your cookies and I'm gone. Daddy's gone. Is that what he said?

Yeah, probably. That is home? Daddy's gone. That is gone. But that's the only thing that makes it even cooler to think back and go, like all the little efforts that your parents put in. And I reckon I checked the bin too. So I reckon they would have either had to eat it or dispose of it. very craftily.

You were totally the opposite of me because I was going, I'm like going pleasure, I believe in it. It's definitely true. Not looking for any evidence to prove otherwise. But I remember one time, which I thought funny years later when I thought back to it, Dad's like, I reckon Santa might want a Guinness tonight. Oh, well played, Dad. Yeah, well played.

Yeah, it was one of his Guinnesses. Yeah. But still. Yeah, you didn't have to go out and buy a Guinness, but Dad was like, I don't want to drink the milk or pour it out because that's wasteful. So just leave San Diego. I'm pretty sure Santa wants some of the black stuff this year, Matt. He's had a long night, you know, like he's got a...

And you're thinking... Can't just be all sugar and milk. Is he under 0.05? Drink and drive, Santa. Bloody idiot. Magic, Randy, they know where they're going. They're fine. Put into autopilot. So I was told, I reckon I was about six or six or five or six when John told me on the cod wrangle.

Yeah, what's John doing now? Probably in prison. I think he's doing pretty well. I don't... No, I've had nothing to do with him. He's in prison. I'm sure he's doing quite well. He's in prison or dead, or both.

Yeah. He's in prison about to be dead when the inmates undoubtedly listen to this podcast. And they're like, John, you ruined Christmas. Hold on. I'm a shanker in the showers. John, that's a pretty specific name. That must be you. I don't know many Johns.

Anyway, Matt, sorry, do you go on. So, yeah, and I reckon little things like that happen. And I would have seen, oh, I reckon one time I saw a present that coincidentally was in my Santa's pillowcase. We weren't from the AF1A. She probably had stockings. We just used upturned. Santa Sack, thank you.

And my brothers was bigger than mine, and it shat me for so many years. Yeah, my brother's sack was bigger than mine. And it shat you. My brother's big sack. Gave me the shits. Oh, yeah. That's a sentence I thought I'd hear of all Christmas.

That thing, edited out and... Back in. A little tidbit somewhere else. Anyway, yeah, so I... You kept denying it to yourself. I kept denying it, and I'm still fully blurred, and Christmases were good, so good. And I reckon my younger brother might have even caught on before I did.

How much younger? And he's like nearly three years younger than that. That's so great. But the time I found out was in grade four, so I would have been... Nine or ten? Yeah, probably around ten. Yeah. That's right.

That's when the real men find out, Matt. And we got back in from... Back in from lunch. and Miss Xavier said to the class. Now, obviously, you're all old enough and smart enough to know that Santa doesn't exist. Oh, what a teacher! Well, you would get letters from parents these days if that happened. Facebook post from parents.

Oh, straight onto the school Facebook page. That's right? No. Obviously. And then that makes you feel like an idiot. Yeah, did you just have to, like, try and, like, hide? Yeah, yeah, no. I was totally like that.

And then, excuse me. And then you go cry. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah. Joking back tears. Not an idiot, Ms. David. Why are you even asking?

Oh, God, if anyone should be dead now, it's that woman. Now I'm also imagining Matt as a 10-year-old, but just a smaller version, like beard and all. Just like a tiny little beard. Crying to your beard. And like his voice is that deep at 10 as well. Did you have glasses when you're little as a little? Well, the glasses were later.

I've only had them in the last couple of years. Okay. I held off. Oh, my God, so cute. That's an awful story. Yeah, that's really sad. I hope this Savior is out there, and I hope she's dead. Yeah, I hope she's in prison.

I hope she's out there. In a shallow groin. I hope, and I hope she didn't die of natural causes. I hope she met a really disturbing end. I hope her next husband came back for her. I hope she was stalked and murdered. You can't say that. Merry Christmas.

What a lovely way to finish. I'm joking. I'm pretty much joking, probably. One thing I know for certain is that I'm probably joking. You were probably a bishop and or joking. Well, that is the end of our... How far. She deserves. This is so terrible.

You've actually wrap up, sorry. I can't believe we've come to the end of our first. ever Christmas special, guys. Oh, first of many, hopefully. Thank you so much. I put it up there with the Alf Christmas special, where it's mistaken for a toy, and given to a young girl dying of cancer.

That's truly touching, Matthew. Which is a better way to go than this savior. I put it right up there. And, uh, probably a three years, is nice. There was death in both. Poignancy. And Al. And Alphos.

I feel like Dave's slowly just giving up. Should we sing a carol? Yes. We'll sing a carol underneath you, Dave. What carol do you want to sing? I was just thinking, away in a manger. Okay, go for a Dave. Okay.

So guys, thank you so much for listening to our Christmas special for 2015. Do enjoy the show. You can send us a little Christmas present by reviewing us or subscribing on iTunes. We love those five stars. And we're on Twitter, of course, at Do Go On Pod, Facebook as well. How long can I draw this out? How long are you going to keep singing in the background there? But we wish you all a very merry Christmas.

We'll be back next week with another episode from the fabulous Jess Perkins. Who knows who she'll wish death upon next week. I hate you all. And I say my name is Dave Warnocky. Thank you and good night And good luck No that's not Christmas Oh my God

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