Do Go On - 91 - Cleopatra

Episode Date: July 19, 2017

2000 years on, Cleopatra remains one of the most famous people in history. But how much do you know about the last active pharaoh of Egypt? This is the story of her incredible life, her battles for power against her own family, and her famous relationships with Roman generals Julius Caesar and later Marc Antony. Also there's a lot of silliness about Elton John. Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPoTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail]  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we've got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serengy Amarna 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there. Canada, we are visiting you in September this year.

If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnocky and I'm Do Going On and with, oh my God, Matt Stewart and Jess Perkins.

That was really good day. That was awesome, Dave. Good job. Well, I think you finally got it right. Thank goodness. Probably 91 episodes in. I reckon I can just copy and paste this hoarding to start every episode from here on. I think it's good within the first 15 seconds to get in it.

Oh, my God. That was a regret voice. Yeah. What a doubt. Your face showed no emotion, but... It never does. You could hear it in the voice. Yeah, you can always talk about how emotive my face is.

You got a very emotive face. You got a very rubbery dumb face. It's not a motive. It's a very different thing. It's the second time. Matt looked at a photo of me before and said, look at your dumb face. I didn't comment, but inside I put on the ledger. That's a strike against your name.

And you know me. I'm vengeful. I'm a fucking vengeful. I want to get on that list. Because you can't get off. Just try. I can't. Now that I'm on that list, I can't get off.

Try, try and get off. I've been trying for the last minute. Yeah. Nothing. Limp as a bloody, no. Oh, there we go. Under a minute, we're having another regret. This is fun, isn't it?

Guess would you like to regret something out loud? I've always regret something out loud. Oh, no. I laughed within about three seconds, and after some harsh criticism of the sound of my laugh recently, I'm a little self-conscious about it. All right, so Jess may have got a bit of feedback. One negative feedback, everyone loves your laugh.

People talk about, I don't think the show would exist without it. We've had one negative feedback. It made no sense also. It was very offensive. Yeah, Matt, why did you have to tell her her laugh sucked? Did I do that? No, it wasn't you. Oh, my God.

I like that he thought that was a possibility, though. I may have said it. I would have been a lie. I talk a lot of trash. Sorry, Matt. No, you're all right. I know you often talk over me. That's fine.

Hey, Dave, maybe just as an example to people who are, but maybe tuning for the first time to let them know maybe what they might see when they come to the show. Maybe you should today do a little topic, do a report. Okay, a little sizzle. Yeah. Do you reckon you could whip one up? Just as an example of what we do here. Okay, well, obviously I'm freestyling here.

So this is from the top of my head. Okay. Top of your dome, Dave, if you're freestaling. Street from the top of your dome. Is that Bon Funk MCCs? Yeah, sure. Of course it is. I recently...

I always preach from the book of bomb funk. You are the coolest person I've ever met. I know, Jess. I'm saying it. I'm so fucking cool. She's really doubling down. And I like that. I like that commitment.

I love it. Anyway, sorry, Captain Cool. Captain Cool, can I just say that I recently referenced bum funk emacies to a friend, and they were like, bomb funk? I thought it was bum funk emcees. Bum fun. Bum funk. Straight from, not from.

the top of your dome right there. From your bum. From your bum. All right, I do have a topic. This is the show where one of us is given a topic, usually drawn from the hat that a listener has suggested, as mine is this week. And you two do not know what I'm about to report on.

Man, I bloody never know what you're about to say. You are wild. But again, this is straight from the top of my dome. Yeah. As a rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock the microphone. It's so cool. God, you're a cool guy. You motherfuckers.

Anyway. People are going to be confused, Jess, because you're laughing, but they're going, yeah, he is. But I'm not even joking. He is. He's just, you're like, that's really funny. He's so cool. I don't understand what she's doing, Dave. Who do I?

This sales technique is really working for you, Jess. I don't know what you're doing, but I'll buy whatever you got. Just get out of my head. Dave, kick us off with the question. We always start with the question. My question is, open one here. Feel free to throw some guesses at me. Who is the coolest person ever?

Matt Stewart. What is she doing? What? Well, who... It's making me feel weird. If Matt Stewart is the coolest and most famous man that's ever lived, who is arguably the most famous woman that has ever lived? The Mona Lisa.

We covered her in topic one. Queen Elizabeth. We've done her as well. Mara Curie. Nikki Webster. There's a big jump between Mara. I'm curie and Nikki Webster. Helen Keller.

I do remember a few years ago there was the sportswoman of the year and that went to Black Caviar, the racehorse. Sportswoman of the year. Sportswoman of the year. There is like four minutes of bloopers of Matt not being able to say the word sportswoman. Can't hit the right syllable. Sportswoman. Sportswoman.

Woman can be sports too. I still don't know what I was doing wrong. I'm going to share that with this episode. Yeah, is it black caviar? It is not. It's much older than Blanche. Like caviar. Most famous.

Oh, Cleopatra. Oh. We have a winner. That is a very well done guess. Great job. Would you say, arguably the most famous woman? Yeah, I think so. Well, I mean, it's a, I got it from the question, so I suppose that's a pretty good question.

What about, what's the Queen Victoria? It was pretty famous. What if I told you that I put three people in the hat to vote? Queen Victoria is one of them? I had Queen Victoria, Cleopatra. I can't even remember the third one. That's how famous she is. Wow.

And the top, the category was famous women of history. Was that your theme this year? Yeah, that's right. From three different eras it was. That's cool. And quite timely with the new Doctor Who being announced. That's as Cleopatra. It's Cleopatra, yeah.

I mean, he, she is a time traveler. Yeah, exactly. So it's very exciting. I bet Doctor Who has met Claire Patra in one of the episodes. Definitely. And now, Q, one million tweets. Cleopatra. I think you're fine.

Cleopatra won 60% of the vote. Wow. By the way, if you are a Patreon of us, you get to vote on whatever I report on. Three topics going there. So Cleopatra won 60% of the votes, so not even a close-run thing. He was suggested by Tristan on Facebook.

Thank you very much. Tristan. All right, Cleopatra. Cleopatra. So for a bit of background here, Cleopatra was born in 69 or 68 BC. Let's go with 69. Fact.

Let's go with 69. Don't take that out of the context. Not the first time Dave said that. Let's go with 68. Not the first time Dave said that either. He quickly corrected himself to 69. She was a member of the Ptolemaic dynasty. By the way, there's a million names in here.

A lot of them, all of the ancient names. Do you remember back in the day we used to write notes? Yeah. That was cute, wasn't it? Not doing that anymore. It would probably help if you did. Keep track it. This is crazy.

Okay. So Cleopatra, born 69 BC, she was a member of the Ptolemaic dynasty, which is a family of Greek Macedonian origin. Ptolemy, who was one of the seven bodyguards who served as Alexander, the greats, generals, and deputies, was appointed Sartrap, aka governor of Egypt when Alexander died in 323 BC.

So Alexander, basically, he's probably the... the greatest military leader that's ever lived. And he was such a good general and king that he kept everyone in line. But when he died, his empire spread all the way from Greece to India. So it was one of the biggest empires in history. Wow. It was so massive that all these generals and family and friends when he died, they started fighting about who got what.

Oh, shit. Because he used to keep everyone in line. So after years of fighting with the other generals, Ptolemy, the guy was talking about, in 305 BC, declared himself to be Ptolemy the first and the king of Egypt. he referred to himself as a pharaoh in front of an Egyptian audience and as a basilis when speaking to Greeks. Now, the super confusing...

This is just background too, by the way, but the super confusing part... You have genuinely lost me. Yeah, 100%. I'm out. All right, we'll sum it up in a second, but the confusing part about the Ptolemaic dynasty is that everyone who became king or pharaoh of Egypt

referred to themselves as Ptolemy. Okay, shit. So there is 15 Ptolemies in a row. So this is the first one. This is how Cleopatra's family became in charge of Egypt pretty much. Her great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great. Great grandfather, 240 years before she lived, became the Pharaoh of Egypt and then it just got passed down the line to her. Right.

Ptolemy Queens, most of whom were the sisters of their husbands were usually called Cleopatra. Sisters of their husbands. They as in what? Like their sister-in-laws? Sisters of their husbands. Yeah. So you married? No, you marry your sister.

Wait, you married your sister? Yeah, so Ptolemy would have kids, and then his kid, Ptolemy, would marry his sister, Cleopatra, and then they'd keep doing that. Wait, where? You've got to keep the blood royal. Okay. Oh, yuck, but your brother, bleh. So you got to, so there's a guy, right, and he's the Ptolemy.

Yeah. And then his son is Ptolemy. Is also Ptolemy. And that second, Ptolemy too, married. He's Ptolemy one's sister, so his auntie? No. No, no, no. He married his Ptolemy 2's sister.

He marries his own sister. So he's married his own sister. The husband's sister. He's Cleopatra. So there's lots of Cleopatra's. I just watched an episode of Rick and Morty before where there was all these Mr. Mr. Mises.

Is it like that? Sort of like that. Yeah, I think it's like that. Yes, Dave. Just say yes. You don't know what I'm going to say yes? Yeah. And then as soon as they've completed their task, they disappear.

They disappear. They disappear. Yeah. Okay. Now I get it. Great, I'm glad you get it. But by the time Cleopatra, the one that we know, she's actually Cleopatra the seventh. Oh, shit.

By the time she came along, 240 years after her great-go-great-grandfather had become the first pharaoh, she was the daughter of Ptolemy the 12th. Her mother is unconfirmed, but most believe her to be Cleopatra the fifth, who was the wife and sister of her father. Great. So to keep the... That's super imbrate. So to keep the blood 100% royal, it was tradition to marry your brother or sister. If you couldn't find one at a stretch,

you could marry your cousin, that's cool. If you couldn't find one? So like if you're, like if Ptolemy just had... Where do you go? Tolome! Well, my cousin's right here. Cleopatra's family tree is insane to look at.

It's so crazy. Just the trunk. Her mother was her father's niece, and thus, not only her mother, but also her cousin. Oh. Wait, her mother. Her father was her father's niece.

Was her father's niece? So her mother is her mother and her cousin. I understand. It is absolutely, like if you look at, people have tried to draw diagrams of it, and I just do not get it. Because everyone's related, everyone's related. You'd want to have a bloody hot cousins, you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No doubt about that. All you have to know is kings of Ptolemy's queens are Cleopatra, and when Cleopatra came along, her dad is in power, and he's tolemy, The 12th. Yeah, but the big question is, Matt,

which one of your cousins would you want to marry? You have to pick one. I'm going to have to go with Cleopatra. The famous one. The rich, richly famous one, the seventh. Yeah. Okay. Because I think we're about to find out she's great.

Okay. There was a lot of corruption in Ptolemy the 12th's reign, making it one of the most calamitous of the entire dynasty. Good word. Well done. He's not a good king. My favorite description of Cleopatra's father, Ptolemy the 12th.

Ptolemy the 12th was generally described as a weak self-indulgent man, a drunkard, and a music lover. Oh, a Matt Stewart time. A weak self-indulant man. Yes. Okay. A drunkard. Yes.

Two tics. A music lover. Yes. Also two tics. Wow. He's wearing a Meredith of Beed right now. And he was calamitous. And very corrupt.

Right. That sounds like me. Yeah. I'm into it. What's this guy's name? Ptolemy the 12th. All right, that's a tattoo option. Ptolemy X-1.I.

In. I'm going to pencil that in. We'll get it inked in the morn. I'm really worried about this episode because you're struggling with the first few names and there's like a million here. Oh, no. Okay. There's only been two names so far.

And I just remember Ptolemy and Cleopatra. In 58 BC, Ptolemy the 12th is her dad, and Cleopatra fled to Rome in search of political and military aid after Cleopatra's older sister had become too powerful. So, that's another thing in this family. You marry your sister, but you still got to bloody watch out for her.

Go believe. There's no loyalty in this family. Oh, come on. I bloody married you. She became too powerful. She was married to her. Oh, no, no. This is Cleopatra's sister.

Right. So she's outside of the... Yeah. So Tulli Me the 12, because he's a bad leader and corrupt, he's off doing stuff. And then one of his oldest daughter, stuff, you know, has a bit of a coup. Right. Cue dao. Two-day coup, do-car.

But then the older sister died, possibly who was poisoned by Cleopatra's other sister. Oh, my God. And then she became the sole ruler of Egypt because the father was off in Rome, hiding away. Right. So she only became Cleopatra because her older sister died. I imagine the oldest sister would be Cleopatra. Oh, no, there's two older sisters. One of them is just taken out another.

So Cleopatra still has to wait, hang out. But then Cleopatra and her father, Ptolemy the 12th, they came back from Rome, and they took the throne, and they had her other sister beheaded. So now the two older sisters are gone. They're both dead. So now Cleopatra. Am I right in saying that only one of the sisters is Cleopatra?

No, neither of her sisters are Cleopatra. Even from the very beginning. Like, she's ended up as Cleopatra because they're all. older sisters that died, right? That seems to make sense to me. Oh no, no, her birth name is actually Cleopatra. Right. It's not a title. It is a name. So they're all called Cleopatra? No, not all of them. So why do they wait to the third one if there's always a Cleopatra? Look, Matt, I can't answer that question. This is also the people that, at a stretch, marry their cousin. All right. I'll accept that as an apology.

So the two older sisters have been taken care of. So now Cleopatra, at age 14, became her father's co-ruler when they came back to town, although at that age her power would have been very limited. Her father, Ptolemy the 12th, who was the king, he died a few years later in 51 BC. His will made the 18-year-old Cleopatra and her 10-year-old brother, Ptolemy the 13th, joint monarchs. So they're in charge together. A 10-year-old. So he's just like, chocolate milk for everyone. Woo!

Well, actually not, because the first three years of the rain were difficult due to economic failures, famine. and flooding of the Nile. It's because they're letting the 10-year-old be the treasurer as well. And he's giving chocolate milk to everyone. And that's delicious, but won't help in a famine. Yeah. Come on, mate. His credentials are, what are you, they're mud.

Is it filling them full of sugar? No nutrients. There's no nutrients in there. And the flooding, don't get me started on the flooding. That's his fault too somehow. They're being tricked thinking that it's full of calcium, but I mean, the sugar certainly outweighs any. calcium benefits of a chocolate milk.

Young, Ptolemy, please. My, good. Jeez, ways. Trade the treasures for Pokemon cards. All right, Ptolemy. You're the boss. Cleopatra married her younger brother, the 10-year-old. But she quickly made it clear that she had no intention of sharing any power with him.

No chalky milk for you, sir. A few months later, relations completely broke down between Cleopatra and Ptolemy, which is hilarious because he was 10 years old. This is fucked. But I imagine that he's got people working for him. She's got people. He's got people. Have your people call my people.

Tolomey, you're 10. Fuck off. I'm imagining, I'm remembering how my brother treated me when I was 11 and he was 18. Very, very similar. Like a wife? Yeah, but with very little power. No. No power.

He had all the power. He had a car. Cleopatra dropped her brother's name from official documents and her face alone started to appear on coins, which went against Ptolemaic tradition of female rulers being subordinate to their male co-r rulers. That a girl. But Cleopatra was very different to her family in many ways, especially the rulers of the Ptolemyth family. The Ptolemy's insisting on Macedonian Greek superiority. They were pretty arrogant.

Had ruled in Egypt for centuries without ever bothering to learn the Egyptian language. Great. So you can't even talk to your premonic. people. Great. They did not embrace any of their local customs. Great. No.

So this is like 300 years of them being like, I'm not going to learn the language. I'm just the king. I mean, when would I have to possibly speak to an Egyptian? Oh, hang on. Cleopatra, however, I told her she was different. She was fluent in Egyptian, eloquent in her native Greek,

and proficient in other languages as well. She may have been fluent in up to nine languages. Wow. Because of this, she was able to communicate easily with diplomats from other countries without the need of a translator. She was extremely well educated, and this along with their habit of making decisions and acting on them without the council of the members of her court,

upset some of the high-ranking officials. So she was doing it for herself. She's a boss. Absolutely. One example of this is when she ordered the deaths of the sons of the king of Syria when they came to the court requesting her assistant. Jesus. Hi.

Sorry to interrupt. Just wondering if we could have a... We just need a hand with something our car has just broken. It's so embarrassing. Oh, okay, okay. Fucking cut your head off. How about that? No, this has to be lost in translation.

I'm fluid in non-languages. Okay, but I just got a flat tire. I invented flat tires. Okay, so you definitely understand what I'm asking and you're still going to cut my head off. Oh, yes. Okay. And you can see why her advisors were pretty upset with that.

In 48 BC, her chief advisor, along with some of her generals overthrew her, because I was sick of her not listening to them, and they put Ptolemy the 13th, still a teenager, her brother, in power because they thought he'd be easier to control. Oh, no. I don't think he's going to be easy to control. Cleopatra and her half-sister exiled and were exiled,

and they fled to Syria. So they've been banished. By the younger brother and his cronies. So the cronies, there was a bit of a coup d'etat. Absolutely. A two-day coup d'etat. Oh. Unconfirmed length.

Sorry, two days. Yep. Does it stand a two day? Just a cheeky tour. In response, whilst exiled in Syria, Cleopatra raised an army of mercenaries and returned the following year to face her brother's forces at Policium

on Egypt's eastern border. So she was facing off against her bro. I wonder how did she raise them? Like from birth? Yeah, it took a long time. That is an effort to raise a whole army of mercenaries as well, because you've got to pay them all,

from birth. So that is tricky. Would she then have to train them as well? Yeah, was she a gunfighter? Not a gun fighter, obviously. Was she a good fighter? She was fluent with nine guns. Wow.

Bang. Bang bang. That's four. Shupi, shupi. Pugh. Six. Chikikia, jicic. And of course, we saved the best for last.

Wow. Is that what you're... Those ones? Yeah, the laser at the end was really good. You are the coolest person ever! I don't understand what's going on here. I haven't been bullied for so long. And it doesn't feel good, Jess.

Well, the best part is that I was serious. I said it before. I was like, that was so cool. And you've taken it like, I'm happy you go at you. Which is now even better. What have I done? What have I done to make her bully me like? I'm just trying to love you.

Just a new kid at school and I'm just trying to fit in. With my nine gun noises. And the bloody, the quarterback over here is, Hey, nerd! Are you doing that little nerd? Yeah, you like playing with guns, huh nerd? We are playing with footballs. A real footballer.

Some people, I don't know why my voice is kicking out. My voice is kicking iron. Eventually, only dogs can hear that dickhead. That dickhead was you. He was acting out you and a weird... I was just trying to say, you're cool. Yeah, no, you're right. You are right.

I'm very, very cool. Shut up, no. Hey, no! But it is interesting that she went away, like, without any power anymore in another land where she doesn't have power, and even still was able to raise an army. So, it's confidence. I think it would be confidence. She's confident.

She just goes, guys, just go with me on you. She just owns it. And people like, you know what? I'm going with her on this. And that's what it is. Maybe they, when they expelled her, or whatever, expelled? No, that's not the word.

What am I looking for? Exiled. Exiled her. Maybe they let her go with, like, buckets of cash. Yeah, probably. Said, look, we're not going to fuck you on this. Take a lot. Well, I mean, we're fucking you on this,

but we're not going to real fuck you on this. We'll give you cash. Yeah. And then she was going to, went over and just like... I think a lot of the time it's also, dudes, I'm the rightful queen. If you come with me and we take it, then we'll have all the money. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. So, like, it's more of a no money now. Yeah. More money later. So much money later. No win no fee. Yeah, that's right. Hang on.

In a bad way for you, Army. So, yeah, please help me win. Now, we have to go over to Rome for a little bit of the story. Oh, I love it. I won't complain. Are we checking out the Spanish steps? Oh, what's that over there? Trevi Fountain, hello.

Oh, a Coliseum. Good to see you. Let's throw a coin in over our shoulder or something. Like in that movie. Into the Coliseum. Yeah. Wow. You get a gladiator on the face.

That's a big throw too. It's quite large. Look, I've got quite an arm. I was quarterback for... You were a night nerd. Meanwhile, over in Rome, she was getting really nasty between two former friends.

Julius Caesar. I thought it was going to be Joey and Rachel. They did have that tiff. That was a big falling out. Julius Caesar. Oh, I'm sure you've heard of. And Pompey the Great. Pompey.

Pompey. Pompey. I knew Jess would love this name. Not Pompey. Pompey. Pompey the Great. Pompey the Great. How do you spell Pompey?

P-O-M-P-E-Y. Pompey the Great. Oh, my God. I love us so much. Pompey. Sounds real fun. Pompey, the great. In my head...

It's a clown, isn't it? Marshmallow man. Mushmallow. Yeah, he's so cute. And everyone's like, Pompey! And he's like, oh, I'm Pompey! And he just gives kids hugs.

That's Pompey, right? Until he suffocates them. No, mad. Inside of his puffy tummy. No, that only happened once and it was an accident. Pumpy is no. Pompey is one of the greatest generals that has ever lived.

Yeah? He wasn't found not guilty. They just didn't have enough proof to convict. That's all, Jess. So I'd say Drew is still out in some ways. I like Pompey. You're going to have to do a lot of work to convince me otherwise. Killing a kid.

In a made-up scenario that you just did that. The marshmallow man we're talking about? Yeah. Okay. So it's Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great. Both of whom deserve their own episodes. But for a while in Rome, things seem to... super stable, a political alliance was formed between three extremely powerful men and together they ruled Rome for seven years.

They were the extremely popular and intelligent Julius Caesar. The richest man in Rome, a man named Krasis. He's the richest man in Rome. Krasis. Krasis. Very good. And one of the greatest military commanders of his time, Pompey the Great. They call themselves the triumvirate.

Try, meaning, have a go. Have a go go. Have a go with ruling for seven years. Um, meaning sometimes we're uncertain. But you're just going to keep trying. And vert. It's just to finish off the word. Yeah.

They just need to add some spare letters there at the end. Hey, could I be Bop the Great? No. All right. All right. You won me over. Oh, that wasn't hard. No, it doesn't have another of the same ring.

It's got to be like Boppy the Great. I don't like that. It's very patronizing. You don't like Boppy the Great? Patronizing to be called the Great. Boppy. Come on, sorry.

So they've got this political alliance called the triumphant. It works well for a while. Caesar was worried that Pompey would get two big for his boots while Caesar went off fighting as a general in Gaul, which is now France. Sure. So he tied Pompey to himself by marrying Pompey to his daughter, Julia. Even though she was much younger and betrothed to another man.

Okay. But now they're like family, right? Yeah. Can't stab me in the back. Now I'm your father-in-law, dog. Yeah. Pompey, hey, Pumpy. We all get it.

Marshmallow cutie. Oh, you're all got that powdered sugar on you. You're so cute. You're just leaving in little footprints wherever you go. Julia sees it famously smoked a lot of marijuana apparently. Really? Just really high thinking he's friends of marshmallow. That's who he wears the leaf on his head.

Yeah, the marijuana leaf. He's got some ready to go all the time. Oh, my God. I love Pompey so much. Julia, however, who married Pompey, Julia Sears' daughter died. Luckyest girl in the world. She died in childbirth.

Aw. Giving birth to marshmallows. It's not easy. They don't start soft. It's so hard to get soft. They're like bricks. They're like bricks. Baby marshmallows are bricks.

I'm learning a lot today. Yeah. As you've done childbirth, breaking apart the family bond. And it pelvis. So the bond is broken, along with a couple of other things. And then the rich man.

and the triumvirate crassus, he died. Suddenly there was no buffer between the two very ambitious men, both of whom who wanted to be the sole person in charge of Rome. So it was Caesar v. Pompey, two of the greatest military commanders of their day, possibly ever. Pompey was backed by the politically conservative Senate, the Roman Senate, and Caesar was backed by the populares or the commoners. He's very popular with the everyday man.

So now it's a Jew umphrant. What happens? Well, they're both... Remembering this is an episode about Cleopetra. Yeah, but this is very important. After a lot of goings on all over Rome between Pompey and Caesar, both talking how about they should... Yeah, the other one's dodgy, you know.

Sort of bit of trash talk, if you will. A bit of Connor McGregor versus Floyd Mayweather style. They had a few... They went on a world tour. They threw cash at each other. You know what I'm talking about? I love this, yes. The two finally faced off at the Battle of Farsalus

Which from now on will be called the Battle of Fallis Oh That means dick right Is that why you say that why you're telling this whole story Just so you could make that Fallis joke That was fun Oh that was a phallus joke Yeah it looks really similar to phallus written down

Farsalus Or the Battle of Falas You see what I did that A dick joke It took place in Greece Pompey had 45,000 troops to Caesar's 22,000. Hang on. That's...

More troops. He was seen much more likely to win. Pompey. Yeah, Pompey! Caesar found himself isolated in hostile country with only 22,000 men, and he was short of provisions, whilst on the other side of the river was Pompey with an army twice as big. And they had, like, food trucks.

Oh, they were having a great... There was a roller coaster. Fish tacos. Yeah, on Tuesdays. Pompey wanted to delay knowing that the enemy would eventually surrender from hunger and exhaustion because they had no provisions. We would love to fight today,

but if you were the boys had a bit much to last night at the wine truck that we brought over and we just brought a little tender, a little tender today. So, hey, do you reckon maybe we can fight tomorrow instead? How about that?

I promise we'll fight tomorrow. I'm afraid he was pressured by the senators who were there and by his officers who really wanted to fight because Roman people love to fight. He reluctantly, especially when you have twice as many as the other team, you're like, we're going to fucking smash this. This is going to be awesome.

He reluctantly engages in Pompey in a battle and suffered an overwhelming defeat, ultimately fleeing the camp and his men disguised as an ordinary citizen. Caesar had outsmarted Pompey by concealing a quarter of his army and attacking them from the side. Caesar was very clever. How would Pompey disguise himself as a regular citizen?

Like surely you would notice a marshmallow man Just wearing a stuck on mustache and a cape, you know? You'd be like, hmm, that guy looks a bit different. Hang on, no one wears capes in Rome. So Caesar 1 and Pompey only just escaped with his life. Still being pursued, he fled to Egypt where Cleopatra's younger brother, Ptolemy was in power. Ptolemy and Pompey.

That's right. They're going to be mates. Two old best mates. Well, they know each other because in ancient times, powerful kingdoms had clobes. client relationships with lots of other rulers. Basically, you pay the Bicke kingdom, and in return, they won't destroy you

and might even protect you from other kingdoms. So Ptolemy was one of, because Pompey was super, super wealthy. He had a lot of big army. He had lots of clients. Tolomini's one of his old clients. I've looked out for you before, mate. I'm just coming to one of my clients when I'm in need.

Sure. Okay. So Pompey hoped that Pomey would take pity on him. Pity is always good. When Poppe's boat pulled into the harbour, Ptolemy marched down to the coast to welcome him. But he and his councillors had chosen not to risk offending the victorious Caesar. And rather than going out to meet Ptolemy, the king instead sent out a small boat to bring the Roman to the land.

So he sent a little boat out to get Pompey off his bigger boat. Pompey was nervous, but he was his only shot. So he got on the boat and he sailed to the shore. But as he prepared to step onto the sand, he was stabbed and struck down with swords. Oh no, and then he was held over a fire And roasted a little bit And then...

To the outside I got crispy Bloody delicious His men watching on from the ship That Pompey had just left quickly fled the scene No So there you run away Tolemy had Pompey's head cut off And his naked bonnie thrown into the ocean

Why was this? Because Julius Caesar arrived two days later Because he was chasing after Pompey He found out that he'd gone to Egypt Tollamy presented Julius Caesar With the head of his enemy Pompey, hoping that it would ingratiate Caesar and be like, hey, I killed your enemy for you.

Now we're friends. But this completely backfired because Caesar is a pretty complicated man. Caesar was enraged. Pompey was Caesar's political enemy and they just had a big fight, but he was a Roman council, so like a respected Roman, and the widower of his only legitimate daughter who died during childbirth. So he got really upset when he saw the head. He turned away with loathing of the man who brought the head to him,

And when Caesar was given Pompey's signet ring, he reportedly started to cry. Oh, no. So what? How did Ptolemy know to do that? He'd already heard word of the battle? Yeah, it was Julius Caesar versus Pompey over in Rome. And he picked his side. He picked the winner's side.

He hoped to back the winner. Yeah, you're right. Oh, no. Pompey. Is he still 10? No, he thought if he's a teenager now. But I'm sure his advisors were like, dude, you're going to, why would you welcome the guy who's got nothing

versus the other guy who's got the big army? Right. So take him out and you look like a legend. He helped a bum steer. Yeah. So instead of being Caesar's new BFF, Ptolemy just pissed off a really powerful man. Why is everyone, every character I like is brutally murdered?

Sorry. Do you want to back anyone else or tell you if they live? No, because every time I pick someone, they get murdered. What have I told you that all these people, died over 2,000 years ago. The only person from back then who still alive was me. Yeah, and I've never back to him. Never back a loser.

And it's just like so immediately I loved him and then of course he had to get murdered. He had a great life. He was a really powerful, successful man. He was doing what he loves. You're not beheaded. He loves it. He loved the sand. Okay.

He loved the feeling of sand going down his bloody neck into his guts. He loved it. Tell me, prove he didn't. As long as he was happy when he was being stoked. Okay. So stoked. With, you know, iron rods.

Caesar seized the Egyptian capital and imposed himself as the arbiter between the rival claims of Ptolemy and his sister Cleopatra. So now he's like, I'm in charge here. Convince me who I, who should be the king or queen. Right. Ptolemy tried to quietly flee to the Egyptian, to the Egyptian coast. Tollamy, you piece of shit. Lisa, however, was not going to let the young ruler slip away to possibly stir up trouble later and had him brought back to Alexandria and sort of kept under guard.

Oh, the suburb in Sydney. While he sorted shit out. Didn't know Australia played a part of me, a clear batch of stories. We're always there. We've been at every Olympics. We've been at every battle of phallis. We've been there. We love it.

I'm finding this really fascinating, but I think I'm not entirely following. It's really hard to follow. Is it? So what... No, I'm okay now. What happened? So Ptolemy, why did he flee? I missed that.

Oh, because he just showed Caesar the head and the back by... He fleed straight away from his own place. Yeah, so he was like, oh, I don't think this is going to go like I thought it would. Try to run away. Yeah, back and just... Oh, I think I left the oven on. Caesar's like, hey, kid, you can't leave. So at this point, Caesar's army, the Roman Empire is way bigger than the whatever Ptolemy Empire is.

Yes, in Egypt, yep. Yeah. So now Caesar is like... Rome's huge. It's like the biggest power of the world. This is the peak of Rome. Julius Caesar is one of the big dogs of the Roman Empire, right? Yes, probably the biggest.

So now Caesar is saying, all right, Cleopatra and Ptolemy, which one of you is going to be the rule? You prove yourselves. Yeah, that's pretty much what he's doing. Cleopatra was eager to quickly take advantage of Julius Caesar's anger towards her brother Ptolemy. However, at this day she was still in exile. I knew that there was no way that she could see.

simply walk into the palace to have a chat with him. Sure. So recognizing Caesar as her chance to regain power. MSN Messenger. She's jumped on... Doodleoo? Yeah. Hey.

Hey. Caesar has seen your message. Oh, great. Typing? Oh. Stop typing. Oh. So Caesar isn't exile as well as he?

No, he's in Egypt. He's in Egypt, which isn't in exile. He's out of exile. Exile is out of exile. Excell's a state of mind. It's not a place. Bacachia. No, no, no, he's...

So he's still ruling Rome? And Egypt. Well, yes. Because it was a triumphant, then it was Jew umphron. Now it's a... No, he's the left guy... At the last man standing. Un-umphoran?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and pretty much he's in Egypt just because he was looking for Pompey. And whilst he's there, he's found this whole other trouble. I forgot about Pompey for a moment. And the whole other trouble is? The battle for the throne. Yeah, that's right.

And this... empire is called Toliopoli. Yes. It's the called the Ptolemy dynasty. Tolomi dynasty. But they are of Egypt. So yeah. They're pharaohs.

Fairos, yeah. Okay, so I'm sorry. Now, Cleopatra needs to talk to Julius. Yeah, so she sees Caesar as her ticket back to being the queen. So according to the Greek historian Plutarch, she had herself rolled up in a rug that was a gift for the Roman general. And it was carried through the enemy lines to the power. Alice and presented to Caesar. She stepped out and said,

Happy birthday, Mr. President. She did not say that. I could tell that I was going to confuse you. It's his birthday? That is an absolutely crazy way to enter. Yeah, that's awesome. So according to legend, she jumps out of the rug, and Caesar seemed to strike up an instant affinity for her.

And by the next morning, when Ptolemy the 13th, the brother, arrived to meet with Caesar, Cleopatra and Caesar were already lovers. The young Pharaoh was outraged. Cleo had just cut his lunch. He was interested in Sleezer as well. He was probably going to sleep his way to the top. Sleaser?

Yes. Did you call him Sleezer? Well, he just moved in on his own sister. His own being Tollipoli. Also, his own wife. Remember they're married? That's a spanner in the works. Oh, yeah.

Remember they're married? Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't think anything ever happened because he was 10. and she was always not interested in him. Oh, that's okay then. But at this time... She was not interested in that brother. Cleopatra was 21 years old at this time, and Caesar was 52.

Perfect age gap. Silver Fox. Hot. Like a hot 50 though, eh? I reckon he was like a real fit 50. I'm imagining George Clooney. Hmm. Hot.

I may be thinking of the film Hail Caesar. I really make. Hot. So Ptolemy's rocked up, and he was also hoping that he could get in Caesar's ear. But Caesar's been somewhere else And not in area Maybe in a ear In area

In area In area Hey Whatever you're into No judgment here Tolomite to the 13th Cracked it He turned to his general

Achilles for support And war broke out in Alexandria Between Achilles Achilles Achilles Achilles What

That'd be real confusing On the battlefield Yeah I'll kill us. All right. Yeah. No, not me. Yeah, that's what I was trying to get at.

Thank you for translating for this fucko. Doesn't get basic jokes. Keep going with your dumb little report, fucko. I get jokes. Yeah, cop there. So war broke out in Alexandria between Caesar's legions and the Egyptian army. So another thing to note is that Caesar's got some of his legions there, but not all of them. So for a while there

Legion is 10,000 Armed soldiers Very good Is it? I don't know It's kind of like Head of cattle Legion is

I think it is a number I think it is something like 10,000 Maybe 7,000 Or maybe That would be so annoying It's not even locked in maybe Make it 10 Oh no

It's 5,000 I'm sorry 5's okay Sorry guys But that's a rounded number I can deal with that Sorry everybody That makes sense

Caesar and Cleopatra were besieged in the royal palace for six months until Roman reinforcements were able to arrive and break up the Egyptian lines so pretty much because Ptolemy's got his whole army there he can do well for a while until more Romans come and then smash the shit out of him Yeah then he's fucked Ptolemy the 13th drowned in the Nile

attempting to escape after the battle and the other leaders of the coup against Cleopatra were killed in a battle shortly afterwards Caesar proclaimed Cleopatra, ruler of Egypt, and named her younger brother, Ptolemy the 14th, as her co-ruler. In reality, however, the young boy had very little power. So pretty much, she's now top doll. He was an infant.

It's interesting that Julius Caesar's got the power to proclaim the leader of Egypt as well. So is it sort of, does their kingdom fall under the Roman Empire? They are one of the clients that I was talking about before. Clients. See, when I hear client, I'm thinking, you know, maybe they'd come around and do massages forum or something like that. Massages. Got to see a client.

Massage. The first, I was on family feud and the topic was people who have clients, my first thing would have been masseuse, maybe accountants. I didn't want to say accounts, but that's it. Sorry, oh, Jesus, it got cold in here very quickly. Sorry about that, Jess. All right, the answer is clients. Let's see how many?

Wow, that is literally the worst answer we've ever had on the show, right? Sex worker, bing, 17. Matt. Sex worker. I never said sex worker. That's where my mind. Client. Clientel.

Right, okay. Mine went to the financial advisor. Financial advisor. Can we go on family food? I know we're not family, but do they bend the rules for like people that are associated together? Well, they do like celebrity family food. Great. We'll go on that.

We go on that. I didn't mean we get to go on celebrity family feud. I meant it like they're not linked other than like, A group of comedians. It's a group of comedians. It's a three comedians and Shane Warren or something. Oh, yeah. Let's get Warnie on.

Yeah. Ozzie cricketer. Who would be our fourth? Who'd be our fourth person on? If not Warnie, it'd be Mesao, surely. Probably, yeah. He'd be handy too, I reckon. Yeah, it would have to be.

It would have to be contractually. Mick Mason, practically our boss. Yeah. In a lot of ways. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.

How about that guy? Oh, we're definitely one of his clients. He gives us sweet massages. And sex. And accounting. Services. He does it all. He does it all.

He does it all. One stop shop. Anyway, what don't we talking about? Cleopatra? Oh, yes. She travelled through Egypt with Caesar in great style and was hailed by her subjects as Pharaoh. Caesar stayed in Egypt for a while and Cleopatra gave birth to a son that she claimed was Caesar. Uh-oh.

She named him Ptolemy Caesar. Oh, no. So confused. He was known as. Caesareon, or Caesareon, rather, which translates as Little Caesar. So he's known to history mostly as Caesarion. Little Caesar sounds like a cartoon spin-off. Like, Little Caesar, what's he up to?

I thought of someone ordering a small salad. Just a little Caesar. Just a little. I really, I was expecting the spawn of Cleopatra and Julius Caesar to be a more famous name. But I don't, I can't put my finger on Cesarian or whatever. That was... Do you know anything about it? No, I don't know.

I'm not familiar with Caesareon's work at all. I'm guessing it dies young. We will find out together. I don't know why you're saying that. I didn't know that Julius Caesar and Cleopatra had bumped ugly, so that's kind of fun. Do you know that? World's colliding.

I'm not sure now. If you'd ask me before, I'm not sure. Okay. I felt now that I think I did, but I'm not sure that I did. Okay. You know what I mean? I don't. ever.

I wasn't surprised. I'm like, yeah, this sounds right. I was surprised. Anyway. Well, she ain't done yet. Let me just tell you that. Of course she ain't. Cleopatra hoped that big Caesar would name little Caesar as his official heir.

However, he chose his grand nephew Octavian instead. Grand nephew. Grand nephew. Yeah, that's a spit in the eye. Interesting to note that Octavian would grow up to be the first emperor of Rome, Augustus. Oh. He's a very famous person. So that was a good choice.

was Augustus a fair and noble leader? Well, he was around for a long time, lived to be in his 70s. Pretty good. In charge for a few decades. That's not the question I asked, but, yeah. Well, I don't know if you could say, because he's the first one, the first emperor, which for hundreds of years, Romans wanted to not have an emperor. Oh, right.

They got rid of their king. Yeah. And then for hundreds of years, they had this amazingly advanced, like they had a Senate and people voted it. It's not amazing. Like, it wasn't, it was very corrupt, but also, not many societies had that 2,000 years ago. Yeah, I think, I think I heard that after the Roman Empire fell, there were all these things that they had, they'd brought about from their sort of modern society that were washed away when it all burnt to the ground

and weren't redone for hundreds of years. They went, like, they went backwards again. Or, like, they had these, like, great aquedacs where they would bring water into the city and then, when they broke down, they were like, oh. I don't know how to fix that. I picture technology just on a like always on the increase, but yeah, it took a dip after the Roman Empire and I think. And then I think again in the Middle Ages it dipped as well.

Yeah, right. That's when it was dark. Oh, no, the dark edge would be different. Oh, that's the same time. Same time. And then the Renaissance. Ah, that's when things got good again. People started painting vividly.

They're just painting so vividly. They vividly painted. Oh, look, I know. old thing I do about history. You knew how many people were in Allegiant, kind of. I knew that was a certain amount of people. Huh? I did not know that, so I'm impressed.

Caesar went to Rome, when he went home to Rome, and soon after he bought Cleopatra and her entourage along. That's nice. The Egyptian queen resided into one of Caesar's country houses. Sure. As a foreign head of state, she was not allowed inside Rome's Permarium, which is the inner city.

CBD. Not that half the year. Kings and queens from other places. That's interesting. That's not how they do it now. If anyone, there's a king or queen from overseas coming to Australia. Imagine they'd go to Richmond? They're just absolutely coming themselves.

What? They get pretty excited here when any sort of dignitaries come over. They're becoming themselves. That's not a thing that's ever been saying before. I'm going to say it all the time now. Oh, mate. I'm absolutely comfortable. I really thought that that was a thing.

Until I said, I'm like, no, that's not a thing. Because, you know, shitting yourself. So I was trying to do the sexually excited version of that. They're coming themselves. Coming themselves. What would people say? They're excited. Excited.

Beside themselves? Coming beside themselves. Wow. That is hard to do. Uh-huh. Oh, no. He's coming beside himself. That used to be a way of avoiding pregnancy.

but it wasn't 100% it was like a lot of the other prophylactics which I think means condoms I only learned that from American pie I've never heard it said outside of that yeah you also fucked a pie I look I'll learn a lot of things You are so cool

Oh what a cool guy You're the coolest Look I thought you were joking before And now I can see You hear the difference now I'm definitely taking appears. Anyway, enough of Matt

covered next to himself. The relationship between... I'm going to tell myself to do go on here. Dave, do go on. The relationship between Cleopatra and Caesar was obvious to the Roman people

and caused a big scandal because Caesar, now the Roman dictator, was already married to Kelpurnia. But Caesar did not give a fuck and he is. He even erected a golden statue of Cleopatra.

He erected a golden statue of a hand giving Calpurnia the finger. Fuck off, Calpania. The statue of him next to her statue. Go fuck yourself. A little speech bubble in Roman. A bit of Latin coming out of his ass. Anyway, he put up a statue of her. A nice one.

Representing her as ISIS, the Egyptian gods. Sorry, not the Islamic State of her, I can see. Nobody's ever erected a giant gold statue of me. I'm sorry, Jess. I'll get around to it. No, it's, I don't, I shouldn't, firstly, I don't want to have to ask for it, because then that cheapens it a little bit, but also, you know, I think you should, you're going to find a married man.

That's the key to this. Ah, I've been looking at single men. Also, give birth to the Caesareon. Okay, got it. Step one, step two. Very easy process. And then I get a statue. Yeah, all you're going to do is just bang one of the most famous people that's ever lived.

Easy. Super easy No problem Bet Midler I'm gonna bang Bet Midler O'y Betty Where's my statue?

You are the wind release of my wings You have to sing to it While you bang her Oh man You know the rules That's a real slap in the face Her own song

Sung badly to her Excuse me No offence I only consider you bad Compared to Bet You bear a part of your soul And they just shit all over you Or come next to you

Hey whatever bet's into Alright They don't do that, Jeff. Two years later in 44 BC, on the Ides of March, March 15th, Julius Caesar was assassinated. No. Surely you need Julius Caesar was on the way out.

It was assassinated by senators that were worried that he would declare himself king. So for decades, hundreds of years, they've panicked that every time someone gets too powerful, they're like, he's going to call himself king. He's going to call himself emperor. So they panic. He was stabbed 23 times by a group of over 30 senators.

So he didn't even get a stab him. in each. 23 times by 30 senators. Jeez, you'd be bloody shit. Lying up and half a guy. Maybe that was maybe two to a knife on certain stubs. Yeah. One, two, stab. O' wait, if Gary says that he stabbed him, he's lying.

I saw him miss. That was me. I got him in the neck. I got him in the neck. Gary said he didn't. Fucking lie off. Let's stab together. One, two, three.

All right. It's jit on three. But you three done three, which makes more sense. He was stabbed 23 times by a group of over 30 senators, including Gaius Cassius and his brother-in-law, Marcus Junius Brutus. They're the two most famous people involved in this plot. I learned that the first ever recorded autopsy in history was performed on Caesar. Oh, that's kind of cool. He was murdered

Adjacent It's just a piece of parchment and said he did He did But we looked into it It's recorded But they filed it away Yeah Just in case DNA was invented

In a couple of thousand years time Invented He was murdered He was murdered Adjacent to the theatre of Pompey Named after his old enemy There you go Cleopatra and her entourage

Was still in Rome When Caesar was assassinated And after his death they returned quickly with her relatives to Egypt. When her brother, Ptolemy the 14th, who she's supposed to co-rule with, the young kid, when he died allegedly poisoned by Cleopatra, Cleopatra made Caesareon her child with Caesar as her co-regent. Oh, but didn't marry him.

There's no more brothers and sisters left. She's killed him more. Shit. In Rome, two days after the assassination, Mark Anthony, who's the next most important person in this story, who was one of Caesar's closest allies and best generals, again an incredible general, he summoned the Senate and managed to work out a compromise in which the 30 assassins would not be punished for their acts,

but all of Caesar's appointments, everything that he decreed law, would remain valid. So that was the rule. You guys get away with murder if you don't repeal all the stuff that he's done. But doing this, Anthony most likely hoped to avoid large cracks in government forming as a result of Caesar's death. try and make it a little bit smoother. A second triumvirate was formed

between General Mark Anthony, Caesar's nephew Octavius. Okay. And another one of Caesar's allies called Leopardus. That's pretty good. That's pretty good, man. Yep. Caesar's murderers, the guys I talked about for,

Marcus Junius Brutus and Gaius Cassius, had usurp control of most of the eastern provinces of Rome, including Macedonia and Syria. much they'd stabbed him and then gone off with their own armies. And they were causing shit in the East. What a hectic time. It's crazy. So in 42 BC, Octavian and Antony, who were both part of the Triumvirate, they set out to war and they defeated Brutus and Cassius in two battles.

So they took out the enemies. They agreed that Mark Antony would be the ruler of the eastern provinces, including Egypt, while Octavian would be in charge of the West. So now Mark Anthony is the boss of Egypt Cool, well good for Mark Anthony Good on him In 41 BCE Cleopatra was summoned to appear before

Mark Anthony So she was summoned to appear before him Now he's in charge of Egypt In modern day Turkey To answer charges That she had possibly given aid to Brutus and Cassius When they were fighting against Mark Anthony Okay

So he was like I heard you were given money to my enemies dog And she was like Nah Well, she didn't even bother showing up. She delayed in coming... Pasada. And then she delayed in coming in front of her.

And she delayed further in complying with Antonini's summons, making it clear that as Queen of Egypt, she would come in her own time when she saw fit. A real power play. That is a power play. She's a boss-ass bitch. Egypt at this time was seen as teetering on the edge of economic chaos, but even so, Cleopatra made sure to present herself as a true sovereign,

appearing in luxury on her barge. Barge. Matt? Barge. I mean, I just did what I did, but barge. It's no much better when it comes out of your face hole. Barge. Please, welcome aboard my barge.

Welcome to barge. Oh, you've never been? I love the barge. You was barge. Oh, come barging with me one time. Oh, darling, it's so nice and barge. Who? Please.

Oh, you barge. I mean marshal. You really marched. Mashed. You're Mashed. You Marshed. You must come in Mage. Marsh is the best season for Marege. This character's awful.

Imagine spending a day with this guy. Oh, please. Oh, my barge. My barge. Please, I have champagne. No, I'm back in. I want a party with this guy. Oh, I am not a guy.

I want to party with this gal. I'm a goddess. This goddette. Oh, you've got a bachelor. My goodness. Sorry about that, King Pharaoh. That's not right. Sorry, I'm nervous when I make royalty.

My queen. Gosh. Thank you so much for having me on your barge. Oh, my darling, is nothing. Okay, hang on, is Queen Patricia Gajajar. Zsa, yeah. Zsa, yeah. Did you think that's her Jaja said yes?

Oh, Zaja. Oh, you must. Oh, you must on my barge. Dave looks like. Like one of them tiny dogs, only it's learned how to talk. You know them tiny dogs? Cha-touch out. He's bearing his teeth.

He's normally a sign of aggression, but... He's doing a sign of hospitality. Nothing aggressive about me. And he's back. He just watched him transform. I just realized I was half-by-through-sentence. Appearing in luxury on her bar. She was dressed as Aphrodite when she rocked up.

As you do. The goddess of... up on her barge. How does Aphrodite dress? I'm picturing. Go-go boots. Just above the knee. Mini-skirt.

She got boots above her knee. They start above the knee. What's going on? It's not above the knee and just do the thighs. Just the thigh. She's wearing like a bracelet on her thighs of leather. That's Aphrodite, Moia. She's crazy.

She's crazy. Crazy in love. Go on. Pluto. who I mentioned before. He wrote... He's the big historian from this period. That's right.

He wrote a series of biographies of people from this time and hundreds of years before called parallel lives, which despite being written 150 years after Cleopatra lived, is one of the main sources from this period in Rome. And it's often reference. So he's a, yeah. Plutarch. He's a very famous historian.

And a lot of the time it's like, well, we've got nothing else, but Plutarch said this. Then we go with Plutarch. This is how he described her first encounter with Mark Anthony. She came sailing up the river in a barge with... In a barge with gild and stern and outspread sails of purple, while oars of silver beat time to the music of flutes, fiefs and harps. She herself lay all along under a canopy of cloth of gold,

dressed as Venus in a picture, and beautiful young boys like painted cupids stood on each side to fan her. Her maids were dressed like sea nymphs and graces, some steering at the rudder. So she's trying to be like, oh, that's the end of the quote. She's being real glam. Sounds like she's a Moomba float. Totally does.

For American listeners, the Moomba Parade is much like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It's a huge deal, guys. Billions of people. That's the thing, Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade? Yeah, that's the one with all the floats and stuff. My dream is to be Mumba Queen. Yeah. I reckon you could achieve that goal.

Do you reckon? I reckon. Yeah, what about you? Those two pedophiles were, so. Before I... No, only one of them was a pedophile, Dave. Oh, sorry. Stop trying to rewrite history.

Either Zieg or Zag. I forget which one. Two clowns. Is that what we're talking about? Yeah, yeah. Oh, nice one. I'm not talking about a third petapal. Anyway.

There's so many. She's dressed beautifully. Mm-hmm. And Mark Antony fell for her. Oh, my God. She must be a babe, because she just keeps... She must be. Hey.

These are extremely powerful men and, you know. I reckon she's a witch. She could be. New theory. That's my theory. Mac. Mac. Mac.

Mac. Mac and my badge. Mark Antony and Cleopatra instantly became lovers and would remain so for the next ten years. Oh, that's nice. She would bear him three children, including twins. And he considered her... That's impressive all of a sudden. Yeah, two pregnancies.

Two and once. Yeah. He considered her his wife Even though he was married first to Fulvia And then to Octavia Who is the sister of Octavian The guy that he's supposed to be in the Triumbra and was So confusing

He considered her his wife That's not how it works Like Anthony Don't worry about the others But you're my main girl He eventually divorced Octavia Who's his ally's sister To marry Cleopatra legally

Because you could only have two So he did put Was he married to Flavir still? Oh, who, she, he got rid of her. It's a red rooster flavor wrap? threw her in the river. Oh, really?

I don't know. Right, okay. So they're married. They get married? Claire Patrick and Mark Antony? Yes, they do get married. Oh my goodness, I forgot about one sister. There's one left.

But don't worry, to safeguard herself in Caesarion, she had Antony ordered the death of her sister, Arsenao, who had been banished to the temple of Artemis. Arsano. You could not live in Greek, I mean, Roman time. You ask me, Asana. What was the other one called? Asano and Killar Me.

It's a lot of great names. A killer me. Asena. I think the best name so far, apart from maybe Jess's favorite, is that Leopard Tano or whatever. Leopardus. Leopard. Oh, lepetus. I was picturing more like half leopard, half human.

But leopatous, like a human falling apart. No, it's like lepidus. Leopardus. Yeah, that's a sick name. Is the leopard the top half of them or the bottom half? Which would you prefer? Top half. I'm not a cat head.

I said that so confidently. Yeah, I reckon you're right. But then the strength of the bottom legs. Yeah. Of a man. I don't know. Only this man doesn't skip leg day. This report has been derailed a lot.

It's been fun. I'm so sorry to the people. Well, the people who don't like dodgy riffs are not still listening. I'm not sure why they're not. they listen to the podcast. It's funny when we get that feedback, people going, this would be great if you just took the topics more seriously. It's like, well, there's probably more serious podcast you could listen to.

Yeah, type Cleopatra into iTunes and go away. Well, just Wikipedia it yourself. We come here for the fun. I don't come here to learn. I'm here to learn. I'm here to learn. I'm here to laugh. And I'm here to lament life choices.

Like starting a podcast together. We're getting, we're going to. We're getting through it, guys. Mark Anthony eventually moved to Alexandria and lived there with Cleopatra for the rest of their lives. Oh. There are a number of unverifiable stories about Cleopatra, most of which have become a legend because this is 2,000 years ago, and even Plutarch never lived at the same time as these people.

But one of the best known is that she playfully bet Antony at one of their lavish dinners, which they often shared, that she could spend 10 million cistery on a dinner, which is a shitload of money. He accepted the bet. What a fun bet. So what's on the line here? There's no stakes. So she wins by spending a lot of money and she wins money from that?

I reckon I could win that bet. Jess, I bet you I can spend a lot of money. Okay. But if I win, you've got to give me a lot of money. No. He accepted the bet. The next night, she had a conventional, unspectacular meal served. He was ridiculing this, being like, steak and chips.

Ten million sartree, I don't fucking think so. Steak and chips. Oh, fucking hell, unless I hope you got 10,000 stakes out back. Uh-oh. But then she ordered the second course. And this time, only a cup of strong vinegar came out. And he was like... Cup of strong vinegar.

How many centaques could this cost? You bloody finished all the chips. Can't have salt and vinegar on these chips. But the vinegar turned out to be. Elton John's come And he does not sell that cheap Jeez, I panicked there, didn't I? That was a panic bar.

Really panicked. Because we both, in my head, I went to come also. I want you know that. I went to shut to come. Adults. Yeah, we are, adults. I like to imagine. Legally, adults.

I like to imagine that you, mentally. Whenever you panic, you instantly go to Elton John's come. Yeah. Like, all right, mate. I've got a gun here. Give us, give us your wallet. Oh, fuck, Ellen John's come.

Pardon? And then he disarms him. Yeah, it's just the thing I do when I panic. Sorry, just take my wallet. No, what I actually do is when someone holds a gun at me, I pull out a little tub. I've got in my pocket. I open it up.

Yep, little tub. And I go, mate, um, look at this is empty. I don't have any money. And this is where I keep it all. Your tub. And then I put it back in my pocket and I pull another one out. And this one.

Has Alton John's cum? Oh, the old bait and switch. With Elton John. Yeah. I mean, what do you do with Elton John's come? Sheim everyone's got a little... Little tub. A tub of EJ's...

EJC. Yeah, 10 million cestries worth. Anyway, what's the vinegar? The vinegar came out. She then removed one of her pearl earrings worth a shitload of money, dropped it in the vinegar, allowing it to dissolve,

and then she drank the mixture. and was like, bang, 10 million cestries. And she won the bet and had indigestion all fucking that. So that pearl was worth 10 million. So one pearl was worth that amount. This is like the queen's pearl. I'm so, that's such a dumb fucking bet. But also, when you've been in a relationship for a while, sometimes.

I've got to do things to keep it fresh. Yeah, just like, keep it kind of fun and light, I guess. But isn't it a weird way to do it to have to drink vinegar? To win a bet. Show, Judd, don't you look foolish? Yeah, I'm embarrassed. You look like real idiot. Is that Elton John?

Oh, no, I've drunk the wrong cup. Not again. That's worth a hundred million cestras. That's gross. Whatever it is. Yeah, I would have just like spent it on like a big feast. But I think the point there is... That's what he expected.

Yeah. That's the thing there. And it would have had to be a lot of food too. So this is, so imagine, um, We just heard... We heard about something now that happened in 1867. Is that 150 years? Yeah.

But it hasn't been written down anywhere. It's just been this weird story that's been passed down, and now we're writing it down. No, that's not exactly how it work, though. So Plutarch had access to Roman libraries, which no longer exist. So his work, which is based on other work, outlasted the original sources. Right, okay.

So we're... But, you know, how do you... History's always, like, she's written that in her diary, got him. Yeah. But there's a little bit of it, you know, because sometimes translations don't quite work there, you see. When you might write down, I dropped a pearl into vinegar. Well, that's what it reads like, but what she actually wrote was El John's Come. So, like, sometimes...

She had really bad handwriting. She did have bad handwriting. And she also was the one who wrote Candle in the Wind initially. But he read it as Elton John's Come. It's a very confusing time in history, and that's why you'll hear these different versions of events. I'd like to point out at this point that my parents listened to this podcast, and I'm really sorry, Mom and Dad.

I reckon I've been pretty good this episode. Sticking to the facts, I am. Hey, Dave, can you edit out a couple of bits? Whenever I mention Elton John's Come. E. Jesse. That's number one. Secondly, when I mentioned coming beside myself Just get rid of all the combs

Do you want me to release a 15 minute episode? Yes. At least it'll finally be informative and none of those silly riffs. Let's get back to the facts because I love them so much. We all do. Like the first triumvirate,

the second triumvirate was ultimately unstable and could not withstand internal jealousies and ambitions. Anthony detested Ocarriage Octavian, this is Mark Anthony, we're back with him. It's been so long since we talked about these people, and spent most of his time in the East, mostly in Egypt,

while Leopardus, who's the other guy, he favoured Anthony, but felt himself obscured by both his colleagues. He felt that it was always about Anthony and Octavia. It's never about Leopardus. So he got fed up with that. He went for a power grab that didn't work. What a big cat would do. It did not work out well.

He miscalculated. He attacked the wrong sort of place. Octavian saw this as a number. opportunity to take control, so he sent him into exile, leaving just Anthony and Octavian who hated each other, and it didn't help that Anthony had just left Octavian's sister for Cleopatra. Octavian argued that Anthony was a man of low morals to have left his faithful wife abandoned in Rome with the children to be promiscuous with the Queen of Egypt. Mark Anthony made an ultimately fateful mistake when he distributed lands held by Rome and Parthia,

which is another one of their regions, amongst Cleopatra's children and granted the many titles, especially Caesarean, who was the son of Julius Caesar, who he adopted as his own son. This was called the Donations of Alexandria and was a step too far for Rome. Basically, Octavian was especially worried that Caesarian, who'd been declared the legitimate son of Julius Caesar, and therefore was more associated to Caesar's still really popular name, that people would start backing the young guy instead of him. He's like, I've got to get rid of this guy before he grows up.

So Octavian... Called it. So Octavian convinced the Senate to levy war against Egypt. In 31 BC, Antony's forces faced the Romans in a naval action off the coast of Actium. Cleopatra was present with her own Egyptian fleet, but according to Plutarch, Cleopatra took flight with her ships at the height of the battle, leaving Anthony who had to follow her.

so she sort of run away. Following this battle was another battle where Anthony and Cleopatra's Navy was actually destroyed and they were forced to escape to Egypt with only 60 ships left. Octavian, now close to absolute power,

did not intend to give Anthony and Cleopatra any rest. So in August 30 BC, assisted by General Agrippa, he fully invaded Egypt. As he approached Alexandria, Anthony... Fully invaded.

He got in there with a sword. As he approached Alexandria, where Anthony and Cleopatra hanging out, Anthony's armies deserted to Octavian. So, they started being like, oh, I'm on the other side. So everyone's

sort of leaving him. With no other refuge to escape to, Anthony committed suicide by stabbing himself with his sword in the mistaken belief that Cleopatra had already done so. When he found out that Cleopatra was still alive, his friends brought him to Cleopatra's monument in which she was hiding

and he died in her arms. A bit of a Romeo and Juliet scenario almost Bummer Bummer Cleopatra was allowed to conduct Anthony's burial rights after she was captured by Octavian She finally got there

Octavian then demanded an audience with the queen where the conditions of her defeat were made plain to her The terms were hardly favourable and Cleopatra understood she would be brought to Rome a captive to adorn Octavian's triumph in Rome, a triumph was a civil ceremony held to publicly celebrate the success of a military commander. She'd go out and you'd come home and it's basically moonbo.

There's floats, you ride in a chariot with gold all over you, and part of the triumph, everyone comes out and sort of, it's like a ticker tape parade, they cheer you on, and all the loot and the booty that you've captured, all the gold that's on display. On display. And also the people that you've captured. The people that you've captured are on display. So, like, prisoners being like, look, I captured this king.

Like, now is in chains. Exactly like Mumba. That's really brutal. Yeah. What a weird world where you could be a brutal king one day. And next day they're like a show float. Yeah, and this was like a big deal for Romans. This is a lot of why they would do this.

Wow. Because of the glory of the triumph. A lot of them didn't care about the money or the money. the power, well they love the power, but they loved the idea of a triumph. And so she was like the crown jewel and the triumph because it's like, yeah, I captured Mark Anthony's mistress slash wife now and the queen of Egypt. So recognizing that she would not be able to manipulate Octavian as she had Caesar and Mark Anthony, Cleopatra asked for and was granted time to prepare herself before she went back

with him. Oh no. She then had herself poisoned through the bite of a snake. Famously Plutarch says an asp, but modern scholars now think it could have been a Cobra. Very cool. Octavian had her son Cesarion murdered.

Oh no. But her children by Mark Anthony were brought to Rome where they were raised by Octavia. Oh. His ex-wife. No, his sister. Yeah, sorry, Mark Anthony's ex-wife.

Oh, Mark Anthony's ex-wife. Yes. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, that's crazy, isn't it? That's real weird. It's big of her. Is it? That sends the story

of Cleopatra the seventh. I just wanted to wrap up by talking about Cleopatra's modern perception. I know she's traditionally regarded now as a great beauty. Short bob haircut. Fringe. And she always looks like a classic sort of Egyptian princesses, sort of what you see. But because of her Macedonian Greek ancestry, she may have looked more traditionally Greek than Egyptian.

But no painting sort of survive. There's images of her on coins and stuff, but that's hard to sort of get it. a picture from. The ancient writers uniformly praised her intelligent and charm over her physical attributes. Intelligence.

Her Islamic scholars praised her for intelligence as well. Plutarch did praise her, although he, her intelligence, I should say, but he's also probably the reason we think of her as

as beautiful, I should say. Her charm and beauty were immortalised in pop culture when Shakespeare wrote Anthony and Cleopatra, and the plot is actually based on Plutarch's description of her in parallel lines. That's pretty cool.

Wow. Yeah, that's right. In 1963, Elizabeth Taylor famously played the title character in Cleopatra in what was then the most expensive film ever made and almost bankrupted 20th century Fox. Wow. It was the highest grossing film of the year, but it cost so much. In today's money, it cost over $300 million to make. And it's the only film in history to be the highest grossing film of the year and still make a loss. It goes for over four hours.

No, that's too long. I was going to watch it for this, but then I saw the running time and decided not to. Fuck that. The film earned Elizabeth Taylor, obviously, one of the most beautiful people of her era, so that was another thing that sort of put the beauty in modern perceptions. And also the fact that people just fell in love with her instantly a couple of times. Yeah, I mean, there's got to be something quite charming about her. They must be.

Can relate. Oh, stop falling in love with me. Just does fall easily. Yeah, I'm real clumsy, yeah. including Richard Burton, who was Mark Anthony in Cleopatra. He fell for Cleopatra. Oh, him and Elizabeth Taylor. Got it.

Oh, yeah. The film earned Elizabeth Taylor a Guinness World Record title for Most Costume Changes in a film. 65 costume changes. Who counts these things? The record was beaten in 1996 by Madonna in Evita who had 85 costume changes. 85. Far out. That's my fun fact to end on. a fact about Madonna.

Yeah, great. That's how I like every episode to end. Wow, good report, Dave. That is Cleopatra. What we like to do at the end of the show, Dave, is sorry to be Mr. Business and bring us back to the topic at hand. You're always about the bloody business.

But do we have some people to thank? Yes, of course. We do like to thank everyone that supports the show over at patreon.com slash do go on pod. Everyone who supports the show gets different levels of rewards, including the bonus episodes. We had a lot of people signing up lately for that level of support, which is really, really awesome.

We just released last week, or the weekend just gone by, an episode on The Kill Dozer. A Kill Dozer. Yes. We're a guy. Oh, my God. So weird and great. Where a guy in Colorado decided that he'd been fucked over enough by the council and decided to deck out his bulldozer and turn it into... Spoiler alert, Dave.

A killdozer. What? Oh man, it's good fun And if you support the show You can hear that And they won't be there forever But right now We've left up the eight other bonus episodes

That we've done So if you support now You'll legit get access to nine bonus do go on reports Well, most of them are reports Some are Q&As But yeah, there's a lot of reports there One of them is a really long drunken episode at the Merit of Music Festival

Which is fun That we sandwiched with way more Q&As Back in the studio Yeah That was so weird. What are we doing? A lot of the mini reports go for over an hour. Yeah, we're like, guys, let's keep this to half an hour.

Three hours later. Anyway, yeah, let's thank some people. Yeah, we'd like to thank by name some people that support us through Patreon. How else would you think? Miming. No, but actually, I should have said we'd like to thank them individually by name, rather than just being like, thanks everyone, bye. We thank them by holding up their blood samples.

We thank them by height. Tall people to the front. Today, I'd love to thank 182 centimeters. If you are that height, thanks so much for bludging. Could I make a thank you? I'd love to make a thank you to a good friend of the show, Noel Ligar. I'd like you to guess everyone's height. Oh, he's quite a...

6'2. Yeah, 6-2. Or 186 in the old money, approximately. Okay. He's from Minnesota, which is where the Timberwolves are from. And they're a team, I think Andrew Bogot, the Australian, used to play for them, I'm pretty sure. Thank you, Noel Ligar. I wonder if Noel plays any B-ball.

It might be 6-2 he does, I reckon. Be-ball jazz. That's small in the NBA. B-ball's like, it's cool people language for basketball. I'm aware. Quick, do a low pass. I'd also love to thank from Cambridge. which is a real centre for academic excellence.

Stephen Bat. I'd like to go into Bat for Stephen Bat. Can you guess his IQ? 6-2. You guess Noel's height. Well, I'm going to... He's 6'2 in IQ. He's actually, he's not that smart, and his nickname is Low Bat.

Because he doesn't... No, he's not very energetic, so that would have made more sense. Low Bat. Bad short for battery. Good on your life. low bat. Jess doesn't get it yet, but when she does, she is going to love it. I didn't get it.

I thought you would just look. I just thought you got it and hated it, but both are fine. I honestly, I got a message and I looked at that instead. Look up to the top right-hand corner of your phone and you might get the... Low battery. Anyway, can I thank people? Yeah. Please.

Can I have one more good? No, I'm so sorry. you and Stephen Batt are my favourites now you both get one free whatever you like just message me on Twitter and I'll I just want to make up for you for that horrible effort one free whatever you like in the form I can only tweet it back to you whatever you want it's got to be

I can give it back to you but it has to be within 140 characters or a photo okay what about your banker cat details oh Dave you double cat man he fucking got you it can't be anything obviously It can't be anything like that. Oh, now you're putting rules. Anything you like except for not this, this and this.

Well, no, I mean, it's got to be a thing. It's got to be a complete thing. Not something you can then go and do something like. So it can't be like a picture of me that you're going bad over. Can't be a picture. Can't be that, no. You can't go and have a Stephen bad over me. Sorry, Noel.

I guess if one of you was going to do it, it would have been Noel Ligar. Anyway, I'm going to just cut in here if I may. Thank you. I would also like to thank you. Also from Minnesota, interestingly, and also, Ligar. Oh. Dane Ligar. Dane Ligar.

Now, let's guess Dane's height and their relationship. Well, I'm going to say, obviously, Noel is the better Ligar, and I will fight to the death, anyone who disagrees. Okay. That wasn't an answer to either of the questions I asked. I really thought you were going to stand by your man, but you didn't. No, I just stood aside. Why asked a question?

You ignored it. So Dane would never do that. What have I told you that? Dane's IQ is high and so is high there, said it. Great. Well, what have I told you that Dane has been supported of the show for longer? Oh, the Noel. So maybe Dane got Noel into it.

So Dane, thank you. Thank you, Dan, I take it back. You're equally good. Maybe is Dane, I feel like, I'm so sorry, Noel if I'm wrong here, I feel like Noel is an older name than a Dane. Do you reckon Dane got his dad into it? Dane got his dad in. That'd be cool.

We are really rolling the dice. I know. I'm so sorry if you're like brothers or cousins or... Married. Yeah. Imagine being offended. Which you can in your country. Yeah, can't hear.

Imagine. Imagine. Anyway, so Dane or Noel, let us know. Please, I'm intrigued now. But I would also like to thank you, if I may. From Fort Worth, Texas. It's got a lot of worth. It's a good friend, Chris McCulloch.

Chris McCullick. There's a Pantera song opening track. Oh my God, of course there is. On reinventing the steel, Hellbound. It name checks Fort Worth, Texas in the chorus. Fort Worth. It's really good. There you go.

There's a bang and tune. And Chris, I'm sure, knows the song, obviously. He'd know it well. It'd be their anthem. Theme song to Fort Worth. Hellbound. What is it? Hellbound.

It's the best town city anthem I've ever heard. Fort Worth, Texas. Does they say Fort Worth, Texas? Yeah. Hellbound in Fort Worth, Texas. Hellbound in Fort Worth, Texas. They sing it slightly differently than that. Dave, do you want to thank some people?

You know who we do know. Who do we know? All the way from San Antonio, Texas. Man, if we are doing this American tour, we must go to Texas. Yeah, Texas is great. Yeah. We do have to go to Texas. All the way from San Antonio.

I would like to thank Christina Bailey. Aguilera, damn it. Don't talk over the listener's bloody name. This is the big time. When Dave gets to thank her. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again.

Christina Bailey. Thank you so much, Christina. Christina with a C, H or K. It's a K. Oh, okay. The correct way, am I right, Christina? She gets it. Her friends call her K-Bay.

Oh, that's cute. Oh, K-Fay Bay. I wonder if they do. I bet they do. That's fun. Christina is 5 foot 9. Oh, tall. Of course, San Antonio, their team in the NBA, the Spurs.

David Robertson, number 5 in the 90s. He was a... In the 90s. He was a... He was a real gun. Great mustache. Christina knows all about it. Yeah, I'm sure you remember that, that reference.

And I'd also like to thank, we're going to leave America just for a couple of minutes, and we're going to enter the greatest country on Earth. It is Scotland. Aye. All the way... Oh, aye. All the way from Glasgow.

It is Daniel Gordon. I was hoping for a more Scottish name. Gordon isn't... Wait, is Gordon English? Gordon's gin? Daniel Gordon Oh, that's good From Glasgow

Gordon No Dirty dog No that's a bit of a mess Daniel You are not a dirt You're a clean dog Daniel

Is that offensive Daniel? I'm so sorry But thank you so much He's offended by being called clean You're clean dog You get shank for less in Glasgow You're a good boy, Daniel Yeah

What an accent is the best It's the best. I can't do it. There used to be an ad for Lost Dogs home in Australia, I think it was. Oh, here we go. A 90s ad, was it? It wasn't on his ad. Right.

And this guy's driving on a Scottish guy, and there's a Scotty dog on the side of the road, and cars are driving past, but all of a sudden someone pulls over and opens the door, and he goes, Lost Dogfeller, come on, open. And he says it was more of a Scottish accent than that.

That's great. But it was a great ad. And then a German Shepherd is also lost, and a German man pulls up because you can only say, safe dogs of your own your own kind rules are rules

didn't make them but I followed lost dog fella that's you Daniel you were a lost dog come on hop in the podcast Daniel we found you're bloody rough again we found each other well guys thank you so much for listening

to that we appreciate that you really did it as a favourite remember you can always hit us up at any time or support the show through patreon.com just do go on pod. We've got our Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, links in the description as well.

It's at do go on pod for all those things. And do go on pod at gmail.com if you want to suggest a topic. But until next time, until next week, we'll say thank you so much. And I will say goodbye. Bye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want.

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