Do Go On - 99 - WWII Badass - Charles Upham

Episode Date: September 13, 2017

We dip into the Golden Hat this week and talk about a New Zealander who was awarded the Victoria Cross not once, but TWICE! This guy might just be the baddest ass of all the badasses we have talked about! Plus a lot of the usual silliness with Matt being very hyper and weird and Jess laughing for a solid minute because of a meme. Support the show and get rewards like bonus episodes: www.patreon.com/DoGoOnPodTwitter: @DoGoOnPodInstagram: @DoGoOnPodFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DoGoOnPod/Email us: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Melbourne and Canada, we got exciting news for you. And we should also say this is 2026. Jess, what year is it? 2026. Thank God you're here. Right now, I'm in Melbourne doing my show with Serenji Amana, 630 each night at the Cooper's Inn Hotel, having so much fun. We'd love to see you there.

Canada, we are visiting you in September this year. If you've somehow missed the news, we are heading up Vancouver, Calgary, Montreal and Toronto for shows. That's going to be so much fun. Tickets for all this stuff, I believe, are online. And I'm here too. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

And welcome to another episode of Do Go On. My name is Dave Warnikey and I'm here as always. Well, actually not as always. She wasn't here last week, but it's Jess Perkins. And as always, he's on every episode, Matt Stewart. And he holds that over us, doesn't he? Yeah. We're talking about how this is episode 99.

The 100th live show is coming up. But for us, it's actually not 100. Matt, it is. Yeah, I'm the only one who can genuinely enjoy the 100th. What are you up to, Jess? What, 36? It's good to see you again for the first time in months. It feels like.

Dave. I've been near. I took a two-week sabbatical. He took one. I took two. I think I've missed the most. I'm sorry about that. Have you?

I reckon you've both missed two. No. Oh, yeah, maybe that's right. Yeah, you're right, actually. Oh, yeah, I'm all right. Yeah. I'm thinking about all the times I've been away, but we still released episodes.

I forgot that. You did. You bloody did. Oh, a bit of a goose. Yeah, thanks for getting Mesao in to keep my seat warm. It was real good. He was great with the Mothman, that big old pile of dust, they call the Mothman.

He's great, that Nick Mason. And we would like to apologise to the good people of the United States of America, who apparently take Moth Man more seriously than we did on the episode last one. Really sorry about that, America. God bless you all. And I also found one of the names that I forgot to thank,

a man named Damn Wags. He was actually a guy at the Sydney Live Show who put Mothman in the front of my mind, and then I entirely forgot to thank him when the Mothman incident. Because there was a Mothman incident where they took, the Mothman, like it appeared, it cryptoided into the hat, and it took out the names that said Mothman. man on it.

Right. Okay. You haven't listened to the episodes and none of that makes sense because it does otherwise. Why would I listen if I'm not on it? That's a very good point. I only listen to these podcasts to listen to these sweet tone. These ones. These ones.

These ones. Got her. No, these ones. Oh. I've got the golden tonsils. Those ones. Yeah. You're going to laugh out of Matt.

That's always impressive. It's funny stuff. Thank you. They've made me laugh once last week as well. Nice. You guys are on a hot streak. Wow, we've made him laugh twice in a month. I only took us 98 and 99 episodes.

I'll laugh occasionally. I'll laugh occasionally. There's some life left in you, isn't there? Yeah, and this old sack of bones. It's not that. I was going to say sack of shit. And then remembered the phrase was bagger bones, but I'd already say, anyway, you don't need to know everything about it.

This old bag of bones, all right, cut that in. Thank you. We are very excited that this. weekend, Saturday afternoon, we're doing our 100th live, well, first, we are doing our 100th episode live at the European Beer Cafe here in Melbourne. We have sold out the show already, which is really exciting, but just don't, don't forget to come. I love cafes. I love beer, and I love Euros, the currency. So this is really good. European Beer Cafe, got it. Yeah, they will make you pay in Euro, so. Which is weird, but, you know.

And another thing that we'll have That we didn't announce before the Sydney show But we'll pre-worn people for the Melbourne show Is that we have T-shirts We have T-shirts that you can purchase And Risties We do have Risties and we'll give them away Yeah, we give away Risties with the T-shirts

If you buy a T-shirt, you get one Ristie Yeah You don't have to take it now And you don't get to choose who gives it to you It's just whoever's manning the stall at the time Anyway So yeah, that's just a little note For anyone coming to Melbourne

It's going to be really fun And another little note by Ristie we mean wristband. Yeah, probably good to clarify it. We probably should just say. We have to go on wristbands. Apparently, wristy doesn't mean wristy outside of Australia anyway,

so no one's getting this sick joke. It's like a hand job. You get it? Like a wristy. Like a hand job. Wow, I was confused. Yeah. Like an upward motion on a, on a willy.

Up? Only up. Only up. You keep going up. Forever. It's like an opposite of milk and a cow. No, no. I just imagine it's so long that Jess goes up forever.

Wow. That is a big old Willie. Wow, that's a wristy for you. Yeah, yeah, that's a roosty. So that's wristies. Next topic. Speaking of next topic, it is Jess Perkins' report to... I'm not having a good mouth today. It is, speaking of topics, it is Jess Perkins' turn to report on a topic.

Sure is, buddy. With no offence to Mesao at all. At the fifth beetle of our podcast, it is so good to have you back, Jess Perkins. It's great to see your shining face. It was really not expecting that when you started talking. I was going to be like, I know, he's better than me. We all wish I was dead.

I know, I get it. Love Matt. I was not expecting that, and I'm getting a little choked up now. It's good to be back. I missed you, boys. We missed you too But you know what I mean

I was up in Sydney I was up in Sydney Shineberg you're up in I was up in Sydney Shineberg Do you know what's nice about Sydney Weather The beautiful harbour No the fucking weather

You leave the house And the sun is out And then you The middle of the day The sun's still out End of the day Well it goes away But it's been up the whole time

It doesn't rain It doesn't rain then it's sunny Then it's fucking snow Melbourne, I fucking love Melbourne so much, but the weather sucks balls and not in a fun way. Wow, and not in an upwards motion. Not in an upwards motion. Anyway, so yeah, I was enjoying the Sydney weather. Sydney's, yeah, they do weather real good.

I had a bloody great time in Sydney. I'm looking forward to going on back there. Yeah, it's a great place. Great place. Maybe in November. Who knows? Maybe. Sizzle.

Anyone working at the Sydney airport? Maybe you might see me through them bloody aisles there. And Dave got to witness firsthand that I always get picked for the random bomb test. Oh, okay. Random. Explosives test. Random bum test. Yeah, they always test my bum.com.

Has anyone made bumhouse.com, yeah? So, no, Jess, I did witness it firsthand. You said we're going into the security section of the airport to go through to the terminal. And, well, through to the gate. And Jess says to me, I always get checked. But people always say they get checked. We went through, she got checked. You look so innocent that you must be guilty.

Yeah, that must be it. No, I reckon people just wanted to talk to you. It's just an excuse to have a chat. Oh, that's nice. I don't really chat to them much. Yeah, they've fucking, they, you know, serves them right. I'm off the clock. Mate, if you need a chat, don't go to someone like, Bob.

Jess just goes, this again? End of Convo. Off the podcast, I am very cold. I will not talk to people. Really, very chilly. In fact, on the podcast. I see. Colder than Melbourne.

Yeah, fucking wood. Anyway, it is my turn to report, and I have... Well, actually, last week was your turn to report. Yep. This is... You are laying it on thick. Look, the Mothman report suffered. It was brought forth.

a week and I'm looking to offload any blame of it not being the best episode. And it was the best episodes. That's the weird. That's all redundant. So you're blaming me. But it would have been even more the best episode. Exactly. If I had an extra week.

You generally do the reports the day of. So I don't know what the extra week would have done. Well, I would have been more relaxed leading into it. I would have been the week off. And then I would have been really bloody fresh. and I would have really attacked it with vigor and I wouldn't have been doing it in a weird motel by myself

in a Melbourne suburb. Well, you've got to listen to the episode because we explain it. Anyway, I'll listen to the episode. Anyway, okay. Don't expect me to just talk to you about my life. God, no. I got a divorce.

I got married since we last spoke and I also got divorced and that's why I'm now living in a seedy motel. Thank you. A lot's happened. Are you all right? No. My life's falling apart. Okay.

So's your wife. God, don't bring her up again. Can come stay with me if you need or? Made rather than the motel. Nah, yeah, the motel's fun. Do you have cable television? Dave has a spare room, don't you, Dave? No.

He does. I'm sure he does. Dave, that's great. Oh, that's so good. Dave, I'm moving in. We can be the original odd couple. Sitcom. My girlfriend, Walt. love it.

They podcast together. They live together. Yes, let's pitch this. They shower together. It's the strangest part of their day. Why do they do it? They both hate it. Saving water.

Stop making me do it, Matt. I want to wash alone. Rub my back. That's you to me. Beating and the boy. Coming to Channel 9 this spring. Ooh, this suburb, I mean, fuck.

The season that we're in, you mean? The season that we're in. We're about to be in. It's not bloody of spring and bloody Melbourne tell you that you bloody, boy. It is spring time. It's not. It's fucking cold. Anyway.

Spring is sprung. It's been 10 minutes. Let's get into the report. I'm very sorry. Okay. I've dipped into the golden hat this week, boys. It's a golden hat from Stuart Alcock. Thank you very much.

Stuart. It's very exciting. And I will ask you this question, boys. Which I've written. I've written the question. Wow, that's respect for you, Stu. It's at the top of my page, and it's highlighted in bold, because I'm a professional. My question is, what is the highest military honour a person can receive?

Oh, I know this one. Oh, Brigadier Major. It's got to be the Brigadier. Brigadier. It's a firm pat on the back. Yeah, they give you a firm pat. Bloody job well done. Which arm we're talking?

If we're talking about the English Army, I reckon it's a firm pat on. It's a little nod. It's just like a knowing wink. I think that's about as good as you. You did your job. Yeah. The knowledge in yourself that you did. In the Aussie army, it's a bloody cold tinia beer.

In the American Army, it's a bloody, you know, those big cannons, they shoot them over your head, and there's like a million people standing around watching. And everyone says, God bless you, sir. And then they play, any way you want it That's the way you need it Any way you want it

So, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sir, yes sir! Yeah, that's, that's, you're correct, that's what my report is on. Twelve gunshot salute. If it's in the North Korean Army, your name is Kim Jong-un. Mm-hmm, that's the highest honor.

Or Kim Il-son, Mm-hmm. The founding father. Founding father. Okay, any other countries' military honors, you can think of? I'm going through all the big ones. I've included us in New Zealand.

It means you get to use a gun for a week. Oh, a week? You get to use the country's gun. I said a gun. I meant the gun. We've got one. You get to use the gun. Very peaceful nation.

The gun actually shoots love. Wow. You get to use a love gun. Oh. And you just stroke up. Oh, forever up. Canada's similar. You get to use their love gun on a moose.

Why? I know. They're all. already on a moose. Why haven't they? Your moose gets to ride a moose. That's living. With the love gun.

Why? Piu-p-phew! With the love gun, to cure war. Cure. Yeah. To end war. War is a disease. It is.

It is. We need a cure now. Robert Smith again. That's two weeks in a row. We've done Robert Smith. Love cats. They're gone to the street love cats. Mow.

And they wear eyeliner. Mow. Chairman Mao. What was the question again? Have we got it yet? No. It's got to be. Do you love cat again?

Mow. We've got to get a giff of that face. He's winking. I imagine it would be real gross to look at. So gross. I fucking love it. Wow, we've had the opposite. reactions. I've fallen in love with that look.

Was that your love gun? Yeah, that was my love cat gun. He's not firing blacks. It's weird to be. Yeah, good, yeah. I would not want to be looking at that. That's a powerful gun. It's a powerful gun. Use it wisely. But if we were to get back on to the topic.

The highest military honor. Have we got it? Is the correct answer amongst? It's got to be. Matt, I think you know this as well. Do you know this? The ones, the two, that are coming to my head, a purple heart, which I can't remember what that meant. I think that's a bravery thing in Victorian Cross. Victoria Cross is the top one in the UK. And Victoria Cross is correct.

Yeah. So the Victoria Cross is the highest award of the United Kingdom. The United Cat, Dom. The United Cat. And that's the one that Victoria Cross, and it's originally made out of that canon. Ah. Yes. Star Wars film Canon.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. The official stuff, they crash. it up and then they make it cross. It's been crushing it. It's giving it a crush. It's all good.

Is it a little pestle and mortar? Is it canna taken from Russia from like the charge of the light brigade or something like that? Something like that. Yes. Jeez, you got knowledge. You got knowledge dripping out your bloody ears, mate. Do you know what the VC is awarded for? It's usually, you've got, usually have to die to get it.

I'm going to say above and beyond break. Basically, so it's awarded for gallantry in the face of the enemy. I think most people that get it die. Is gallantry the one where you open a door for a lady? The majority of people that get it have died doing it. Every single person who's been awarded the VC has or will die. Because we all die. You've got knowledge dripping out your ears.

We're alert. Yeah, we all die, Maddie. You hopefully soon. Fuck. Well, let him get the cross first. So, yeah, so it's gallantry in the face of the enemy. So it used to be... They got right up in their grill.

They added it in the face of the enemy. So it's not like you're miles away from the action, but you've been very brave. Like, this guy has not cried at all today. I sent a real, strongly worded email to Hitler. Stop it. Stop what you're doing. I don't care what you say. I don't care if you ostracize me from our social group,

because I know. You and my wife are very tight. I don't even care what happens. Hitler, stop it. Sent. No. Sent. Thank you.

All my love. Matt. Oh, no. That was my email signature. I should have changed this? Oh, no, I replied all. Well, the whole Nazi army got it. Gobbies and everyone.

Now they've got Hitler's email. God, he'll be upset by that. He is going to be real pissed. Stop it. I like the gesturing you were doing there, too. Stop it. It's a very firm index finger. Stop it.

A, do all of that. So this is about the Victoria Cross. It is about the very specific Victoria Cross. Winner or recipient, maybe, I should say. No, winner. They won. I fucking got it. Anyway you want.

That's the way you need. Anywhere you want. No, Victoria Cross. They play that at the ceremony. I want to talk about the Victoria Cross a little bit in general first because some people may not know all that much about it. So it's kind of nice to know what it is and why it's awarded to people so that you can get an idea.

Oh, do you know the actual facts about that canon thing? Sorry, I should have guessed. I read it, but I did not put it in my report. And now I'm regretting that. It is made from a canon thing. Do you feel the need to look it up, don't you, Dave? No. Yes.

Okay. Look at it. up while I do this part, okay? Perfect. Okay, great. So the Victoria Cross, it was previously awarded to Commonwealth countries, most of which have established their own honour systems now and no longer sort of acknowledge the British honour, but Australia, for example, still has the Victorian Cross, but it's for Australia.

It may be awarded to a person of any military rank in any service, and to civilians under military command, although no civilian has received the award since 1879. So it is now mostly just people serving in the military. The VC was introduced on the 29th of January in 1856 by Queen Victoria to honour acts of valour during the Crimean War. Since then, the medal has been awarded to 1,358 times to 1,355 individual recipients. So a few people have received it twice.

That is crazy. That is crazy. Because it's so... Is that? Oh, because it's only for, it's for one act. One act? You can't get it twice. So can you get it like in the same battle or is it more likely to have happened across different times? It's not like when you get two speeding fines going down the same highway. It's not like that at all.

Matt, you've got to take victories wherever they see him. I won two speeding fines. They said it couldn't be done. But I did it. I did 200 kilometres an hour in a school zone. I killed four kids! So they fined me twice. That's beautiful.

And for every second child, they gave me a fine. And funnily enough, since, not funnily enough, but just interestingly, since the Second World War, only 15 medals have been awarded. 11 to members of the British Army and four to the Australian Army. So since the Second World War, only 15. So that's not that met me in quite a long period of time. Yeah, I guess there hasn't been, no, there's been some pretty big wars in that time. It's been some pretty big wars. but, you know, we're just a bunch of pussies now.

Or maybe they're just, maybe they've got... They don't make them like they used to. Well, that's all they say, body millennials. They're blooded new braver, I'll tell you that for free. These people are... No, they definitely do. Yeah, they're definitely. Beginning, have you found it, Dave?

So, the story is that the original medal for the original crosses comes from a Russian cannon captured at the Siege of Sevastopol. which is part of the Crimean War which is also where the charge of the Light Brigade Gotcha So vaguely on the right track there I did actually read that The stuff that they make it from now

Which may be the same thing It's like kept in a vault And it has to It's like really really well protected And yeah I reckon anyone will ever receive a Victoria Cross For protecting the metal Oh

That gets made into Victoria Crosses Amazing That'll be cool Imagine that You'd make a day time movie out of that one, wouldn't you? Bloody. I'd watch that.

I'd watch that. Get the popcorn, Roddy. What do you know in a daytime movie? I don't know. No, you're doing the vacuuming usually. You're vacuuming, just a little bit of something in the background. Daytime movie. Just Elvis trying to act.

He's in Hawaii or is in riding a motorcycle around inside a dome? In Hawaiian Island. I'd think that a word really. Anyway, so beginning. With the centennial of Confederation in 1967, Canada, followed in 1975 by Australia and New Zealand, developed their own national honours system, separate and independent of the British or imperial honour system. So as each country's system evolved, operational gallantry awards were developed. So the VC for Australia. We have our own sort of VC now.

So it's now called the Victoria Cross of Australia or something like that. VC for Australia and the Canadian VC and the VC for New Zealand. So VC for Australia, VC for New Zealand, Canada VC. Come on, Canada. Canada. They like changing things around. Like, I always thought it was weird when like on the Mighty Ducks. It was Team USA.

I'm like, surely it's the USA team. Team USA. No, that makes it sounds better. Well, you grew up in a different generation, a different era, you know? you grew up post mighty ducks. I grew up on the tough streets, pre-mighty ducks. You grew up in the gold rush. Well, that's pre-mighty ducks.

I was there with Amelia Westerves, but while he was still on his way up in the hockey world, before he... I can't remember he'd trouble. Ended up having to drive a limousine for some reason and look after these troublesome kids on the ice. There's no shame in driving a limo. They were a rag-tag band.

There was no way they were going to ever play hockey at a high level. let alone be Team USA, the USA team. No, you're right. The USA team sounds ridiculous. I don't know. It's like saying Australia team. Child me was an idiot. Australia team.

Team Australia. The Australian team. I don't know. Sports woman of the year. Can I go on? Yes. Thank you. Before the Crimean War, there was no official standardised system

for recognition of gallantry within the British Armed Forces. There's a growing feeling among the public and the Royal Court that a new award was needed to recognise incidents of gallantry. I just like saying gallantry a lot too. Queen Victoria had instructed the war office to strike a new medal that would not recognise medal, new medal that would not recognise birth or class. So previously you had to be like a certain rank to get any kind of awards,

but now she's like, no, if you just do something pretty badass, you should get an award. It was meant to be a simple decoration that would be highly prized and eagerly sought after by those in the military services. To maintain its simplicity, Queen Victoria, under the guidance of Prince Albert, vetoed the suggestion that the award be called the military order of Victoria, and instead suggested the name Victoria Cross. The original warrant... Which is how she felt at all the people trying to tell her what to call her reward.

Victoria Cross. Oh my God, she's angry. We could call her Victoria Cross. Victoria. happier. Victoria, hungry. You're not you when you're hungry. Victoria need nappy change.

Albert? The original warrant stated that the Victoria Cross would only be awarded to soldiers who have served in the presence of the enemy and had performed some signal act of valour or devotion. The first ceremony was held on the 26th of June in 1857 at which Queen Victoria invested 62 of the 111 Crimee Crimean recipients in a ceremony in Hyde Park in London. Now there's a single...

So, the other 50 didn't get a bit of time with the Queen. They didn't get any time of the Queen. Maybe some of them, as you had suggested. Oh, actually. Word. Dead. But others maybe had something on that day. Right.

Like their own funeral. You'd probably go. To be honest, you'd probably go. Come meet the Queen. I've got soccer. I've got to play Emilio Estevez. the game of hockey. Yeah.

You know what he's life. Would you, I know you guys probably would go meet the queen. You wouldn't meet the queen if you're given the opportunity? I don't, like, depending on what, what was on that day. You got nothing on that day. Absolutely nothing. If I've got nothing on that day, am I feeling all right? Yeah, you're feeling pretty good.

Feeling tip top? Tip top. Why I don't have any plans? Because all of your friends are meeting the fucking queen. All my friends are there? Yeah. Oh yeah, probably go long. You sheep.

You wouldn't meet the Queen? Friends are there. All right. I'm there. Yeah? I'm so there. Bloody bow to her. I'd shake a hand.

I'd cut you to the fuck out of her. I'd get a selfie with a selfie stick and never even owned one of those. I'd buy one for the Queen. I'd give her a love cat gun. I hate that's so much. This is kind of interesting. She said love room. There's a single company of jewelers, Hancock's of London,

and they have been responsible for the production of every Victoria Cross awarded since its inception. That's cool. That's cool, right? That's cool. They're shit at everything else, but they're Victoria Crosses. Well, I mean, they're the only ones who've ever done it, so I guess. But they've gone through some dry patches over the last, what, 60 years I've made 17. They're like, come on, show some bloody gallantry.

Come on, you dogs. Be gallant. as the highest award for valor of the United Kingdom the Victoria Cross is always the first award to be presented at a ceremony even before knighthoods. Do knights have to bow to someone with the Victoria Cross? Yeah. Oh, I think so, yeah.

It like outranks nearly everything. It ranks everything. Owing to its status, the VC is always the first decoration worn in a row of medals and it's the first set of post-nominal letters used to indicate any decoration. So let's say you're like a, you know, like a Matt Stewart VC, OAM, Ma, Mama, Ma, Ma. VC's always first.

You also have you thrown on Order of Australia. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. You didn't put my BA in there, though. No, I did not put your BA in there because I figure your Victoria Cross and your Order of Australia probably go before your Bachelor of Arts. Interesting take. I'm saying VA goes first.

Yeah, you're all saying that. Oh, my God. You're playing by the Queen's rules yet again. I'm just pointing out something that's kind of interesting. No, that was interesting. Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. No, it's fine. I was just having a little muckabout.

Yeah, but... I didn't mean... Matt, do you not get it? You don't muck about with the VC. I'm starting to get it. You don't muck about. Have a little respect. No, yeah, it's made out of a canon.

Obviously, you've got to respect it. Bow to my cross. Bow to it. I've got one. I'm one of the 17. One of the four Aussies. What? It's probably really offensive.

I'm sorry. I think it is, yeah. Similar acts of extreme valor that do not take place in the face of the enemy are honoured with the George cross. So if you're really brave, but there's no Nazis around, you can still get a George cross. George Cross.

She's still pretty cool. So that's why there's only been 17 awarded because there's less and less Nazis around. Yeah, there's less of them. Was George, what George is, Victoria's son or something? He's a future king, right? You know, I'm not great with the... With the monarchs.

There's so many of them. There's so many George's and Richards. Was George Elizabeth's dad? Anyway, it doesn't matter. No, that was... Maybe. Albert. Albert, but then he did change his name.

His king name was George, wasn't it? Yes, his Regnal name. Regnal, love it. All right. Sorry, Jess. I've really thrown the brakes on this. Sweet progress you were making. Please do go on.

George Cross is really good. Still very good. George Cross. Equal precedence, but it's awarded second because the GC is newer. But it's still quite an honour. There's widespread thought. there's this belief that it's kind of the done thing, like you were kind of mentioning, Dave,

that all ranks would salute a bearer of the Victoria Cross. There's no official requirement that appears in the official warrant for the VC or in any of the Queen's regulations and orders. But tradition does dictate that this occurs, and as such, the Chief of Staff will salute a private awarded a VC or GC. So anybody will salute a Victoria Cross Hall. How fucking cool is that? That's very cool.

The original royal warrant involved an expulsion clause that allowed for the recipient's name to be erased from the official register in certain wholly discreditable circumstances and his pension would be cancelled. Eight were forfeited between 1861 and 1908, so they may have like committed crimes or something like that. But King George V felt very strongly that the decoration should never be forfeited and in a letter from his private secretary, Lord Stamfordham.

on the 26th, good name, in July of 1920, his views are expressed thusly. He doesn't say that to my baby, but I wanted to say thusly. The king feels so strong with that no matter the crime committed by anyone on whom of the VC has been conferred, the decoration should not be forfeited. Even were a VC to be sentenced to be hanged for murder, he should be allowed to wear his VC on the scaffold.

Wow. He's saying, doesn't matter what he's done post-VC. if he's been given that award and that honour, that's enough. And that's the Queen's grandfather there talking. Right. Now, three people have been awarded the VC and Barr. The Bar representing the second award of the Victoria Cross.

Now, they are Noel Chavasi and Arthur Martin Leake, who are both doctors in the Royal Army Medical Corps for rescuing wounded under fire, and New Zealander Charles Upham, who was an infantry man for combat actions. Stuck him. Upham remains the only combatant soldier to have received a VC and a bar. So is a bar just like with honours type thing? It's a second VC. So instead of getting a second little medal, it's like, he is your VC.

Is it all for one event though? No, separate. Oh, wow. So you're brave twice. Brave twice. Yeah, this isn't two speeding tickets on the highway. No. That's what you're thinking.

Yeah, sorry, I was. And it's Charles Upham that was suggested by Stuart Alcock, and that is who I'm going to be speaking about more detail today. I'm kind of glad because that was I thought it was just going to be an hour of you going Alright here are Here are some fun facts of it

No no no but I just wanted to give some context As to what the award is That's cool I feel like a lot of people particularly younger people Because like it hasn't happened as much In our sort of in the last 20 years Say Yeah I always knew it was something that you have to

Greatly respect but Wasn't Yeah I had a feeling I had it in my head as well that maybe You had to die to get it But you basically had to put yourself in the You have to take the chance that you probably will die. I just know that a lot of people are awarded it posthumously,

especially in the First and Second World War when people are dying a lot. And what's interesting, I find, it's funny, love him or hate him, but Jeremy Clarkson has done a really, really good documentary about the VC. Hate him. And his father-in-law, I think, actually, has won a VC as well. But he... Give the yin the meyang. The common thread seems to be that they're not the type of...

guys who go, yeah, I did this, whatever. Like, they, they won't talk about it. Often you can't find a lot of detail about what they've done. But it's always something. They've always put themselves in, like, they basically run into fire. Yeah. They're crazy. And Charles Arpam is a fucking mad dog.

So he was born in Central Christchurch on the 21st of September in 1908. Oh, he's a Kiwi. He's a Kiwi. Oh, sick. And the son of... So he didn't get the love. gun. He didn't get the love gun.

I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm sure that was a fact. He was the son of John Upham, a lawyer, and his wife, Agatha, Mary Coates. No one knows what Agatha did. It was 19. No way. She probably didn't do anything. Other than have children and sit quietly.

As Matt and I leave that comment and sit quietly. He attended Canterbury Agricultural College, which is now known as Lincoln University, and he earned a diploma in agriculture in 1930. He worked first as a sheep farmer, later as a manager, and then valuing farms for the New Zealand government. He worked with sheep in New Zealand. I know. Unheard of. Unbloody, believable, mate.

You wouldn't read about it. You guys know that apparently outside of Australia, like around here, the joke is New Zealand and sheep. New Zealand's sheep, isn't it? Am I right? I'm New Zealand and sheep people, am I right? But apparently like in England and America, they're like,

they're like Australians and sheep. I was when I was travelling and people were giving it going, oh, you love the sheep, eh, down there? I'm like, no, that's New Zealand. You got us all wrong. New Zealand, fuck sheep. Yeah, not us, no. We're not the ones that the dumb joke is about.

Yeah. No, so you've got a taste of the medicine. No, we make that joke. Do you still make that joke now? No, I've never made that joke. Now that you see how much it hurts? No, I've never made that joke. I love New Zealand.

No, I don't, don't believe me, believe they. Yeah, who was like that? them. I think you guys have got it all wrong. So yeah, in September of 1939, he enlisted at the age of 30, and he was soon promoted to temporary Lance Corporal, but initially declined a place in an officer cadet training unit. In December, he was promoted to Sergeant, and a week later sailed for Egypt. In May of 1941, Uppin was commanding a platoon in the battle for Malim Airfield.

During the course of an advance of 3,000 yards, his platoon was held up three times. Has he just rocketed through the ranks? No, yes, no. Kind of, yeah, pretty quickly. So September of 1939, he enlisted, and then he, I think, December of maybe the next year, he was a sergeant. And then he's running a whole bloody platoon. Yeah. And he's carrying, so while he's carrying a bag of grenades, which was his favorite weapon.

A bag of grenades. Everybody choose a weapon. Shotgun bag of grenades. What kind of bag you're picturing? I'm picturing like a nice velvety satchel. Oh, I was thinking like a hesson sack, but you're right. I definitely had a sack. Veshaelbony satchel is much better.

But I'm also imagining, when you said purple, I'm imagining purple, which doesn't really go with his outfit. But right, that's what you're thinking to do. Yeah, purple, yeah. A regal. No, I'm imagining him in the grenades are inside a giant bag that's shaped like a grenade. Wow, yeah. Over the shell. A backpack.

So people know what to expect before they die. Yes, that's good. No, but then he... Really, I just like saying satchel. It's a fun word to say. It is a fun word. But his bag looks like a grenade, so people like, well, they can't put grenades in there.

That'd be too obvious. Yeah. He's probably got machine guns in there. And people's that grenades are like, oh, he's quite literal. And I respect that. So they respect him before they die. Yeah, that's nice. That is nice.

That's why you get a VC. So he's carrying a bag of grenades. And he first attacked a... German machine gun nest, killing eight paratroopers, then destroyed another which had been set up in a house. Finally, he crawled to within 15 yards of an anti-aircraft gun before knocking it out. When the advance had been completed... He took it on.

He took it on... I was a picture of just jumping on guns. And just punching them. Yeah. TK.O. Punching tanks in the face. Take that and a bit of that and a little bit of this. When the advance had been completed, he helped carry a wounded man to safe. in full view of the enemy and then ran half a mile under fire to save a company from being cut off.

Like, they were, yeah. Is this all in one day? All in one day. This is crazy. Two Germans who tried to stop him were killed. You can imagine how. With grenades. With grenades.

By him? By him. The next day, up, the next day. He's got a wounded body over one shoulder with the other. He's dipping into the satchel. Just pulling the pins out with his teeth. Yeah. German guy's like, I'll just stop you right there.

Oh! The next day up and was wounded in the shoulder by a mortar burst and hit in the foot by a bullet. Shot, you could say. Hitting the foot by the bullet. Undeterred, he continued fighting and with his arm in a sling, hobbled about in the open to draw enemy fire and enable their gun position to be spotted.

So he's like using himself as bait so that they knew where the guns were so that they could then attack. Wow. Wow. With his unwounded arm, he propped his rifle in the fork of a tree and killed two approaching Germans as well. So he's just like... So he used the tree to hold up the gun? Yeah, because his other arm, he was hurt in the shoulder.

Wow. Yeah. Is he maybe our baddest ass yet? It keeps going. During the retreat from Crete upham succumbed to dysentery and could not eat properly. The effect of this and his wounds made him look like a walking skeleton which is one of his commanding officers

noted down in a diary that looked like a walking skeleton. Nevertheless, he found the strength to climb the side of a 600 foot ravine and use a brengun gun on a group of advancing Germans. At a range of 500 yards, he killed 22 out of 50. Did you say a bread gun? Bren. Oh, bran.

Love gun. A bread gun. It's just shooting baguettes at them. But like it's got different settings on it. Kill them with carbs. What's your favorite type of bread? Oh, light rye. Bigh.

Bighets. You've nailed it in one. Yeah, they're good, aren't they? Yeah, real good. Get a bit of dip. Yeah. Some cheese. Bit of maybe olive oil.

Who's manning the olive oil gun? A bit of ducker. And so, did you just say light rye? I love a light rye. I love a dark rye. I love a dark rye, too. Let's rye together. Rye or die.

That's what he would yell with the bread going. Rye or die, motherfucker. Rye and die. I like a, like a, it's a bit of a treat, just like a white roll, but nice and like crusty on the outside, but real soft on the inside. And just like fill it full of just yummy things. Oh yeah. I'll go make you one right now.

Oh, you've got it all wrong. Just gummy bears. Squeezing in like a Ferrero Rochere. I don't know what. I'm just having a stab here. I've put in, um... These things are yummy. So, he's subsequent.

So the range of 500 yards, he killed 22 out of 50 approaching Germans. His subsequent VC citation recorded that he had performed a series of remarkable exploits showing outstanding leadership, tactical skill, and utter indifference to danger. He is not different to danger. Even under the hottest fire, Upham never wore a still helmet, explaining that he could never find one that fitted him. Too big or too small? No, he's not wearing a helmet this whole time, by the way.

Wow. This guy's so fucking cool. I want to make, I want to someone to make, I was going to take it on myself, I want someone to make an Avengers of these badasses. You got Mad Jack Churchill, you got Upham, you got the three Ronnies. Three Monty's. Including Tex. Remember Tex Banwell?

Tex Banwell. So good. In 1941, Uppam was presented with his first Victoria Cross Medal. When he was informed of the ward, his response was, it's meant for the men. He hates women. I knew that. I knew there was going to be a CD under Karen eventually. CD under belly.

There it is. Oh, that's really disappointing. I was just really coming around to him. Anyway, okay, he meant that it was for them that he did that anyway. All right. A quote from the citation when the award was presented. He showed superb coolness, Matt. They wrote superb coolness.

Imagine being presented with an award for superb coolness. Yeah, I can't imagine. I can't imagine. I just cannot. That's within the grasp. Superb coolness, great skill and dash, and complete disregard of danger. His conduct and leadership inspired his whole platoon to fight magnificently throughout, and in fact was an inspiration.

To the hit song Any way you want it That's the way you need it Any way you want it Wow he would have loved that That is Supreme Cool That is Supreme Cool Is it Supreme Cool?

Superb cool No You're thinking of a kind of Doritos His second VC His second VC was earned on July 15 of 1942 When the New Zealanders were concluding a desperate defence of the

Ruasat Ridge in the first battle of Alamein. Uppam ran forward through a position swept by machine gun fire and lobbed grenades into a truck full of of German soldiers. When it became urgently necessary

to take information to advance units which had become separated, Upham took a jeep on which a captured German machine gun was mounted and drove it through the enemy position. At one point, the vehicle became bogged down in sand, so Upham coolly ordered some nearby Italian soldiers to push it free.

Hey, how are you? Though they were somewhat surprised to be given an order by one of the enemy. Upham's expression left them in no doubt that he should be obeyed. You're fucking kidding. That's great. The enemy pushed him out when he was bogged. Whoa. They probably didn't even speak the same fucking language.

No. His gesturing was so good That they were like, we better do what he says You, push You push Me, drive, me kill you You later But now push

By now Uppam had been wounded But not badly enough to prevent him leading And attack on the enemy's strong point He was shot on the elbow And his arm was broken The New Zealanders were surrounded and outnumbered but Upham carried on directing fire until he was wounded in the leg

and could no longer walk. Legs, I should say, sorry. He was captured and taken as a POW, and he was sent to an Italian hospital where an Italian doctor recommended his wounded arm be amputated. They didn't really have, they had fairly scarce supplies, and they were worried that they weren't really able to prevent

or treat gangrene, so it was better to just lop it off. Just lop it off. He refused, Upham refused. used. That's my grenade arm. It knows full part because the operation would have to be carried out without anesthetic and he had witnessed other patients dying in agony under surgery.

So he's like, mm-mm, not doing that, thanks. No anesthetic for surgery, interesting. He remained in the hospital to recuperate but attempted to escape numerous times before being branded dangerous by the Germans. Wait, wait, so he's in a prison of war camp. Yep. It's so funny, yeah. They still go to their hospitals and go, yeah.

Yeah, we'll just lop your arm off. Like, I'm not trusting the Nazi doctors either. Yeah, weird, right? Yeah, that is weird. I never thought about that. Yeah. You get captured and you're like, all right, you're up to the Nazi hospital. I'm not going to get the best treatment.

I'm not going to get the best. One attempt to escape occurred when a group of POWs were being transported in open trucks through Italy. Upham jumped from the truck at a bend and managed to get about 370 meters away before he was recaptured. He'd broken an ankle in jumping from the carwes were. moving truck and ran 370 metres on it. When they recaptured him he said, no, you drive me home and they did. Another attempt occurred when he was being moved between prison camps on a civilian train while guarded by two Germans.

Upham was only allowed to visit the toilet when the train was travelling at high speed to prevent him from jumping through a window. Nevertheless, Upham pried open the toilet window and jumped out into the tracks, knocking himself unconscious. Oh no, when it was going quick. It's going really fast. On a third occasion, he tried to escape a camp by climbing its fences in broad daylight. He became entangled in barbed wire when he fell down between the two fences.

When a prison guard pointed a pistol at his head and threatened to shoot, Uppam calmly ignored him and lit a cigarette. What? This scene was photographed by the Germans as evidence and later reprinted in his biography, which is called Mark of the Line. I was going to say, that's one of those things he just say, but then he's got a fucking photo of it. After this incident, Uppin was considered extremely dangerous and was placed in solitary confinement.

It was also considered extremely cool. So cool. Superb cool. Oh, superb. Supreme Cool. So he's in solitary confinement now. So he's only allowed to exercise alone while accompanied by two armed guards. So not really alone, is he?

So he's got two spotters. You got two spotters. Guys, I'm just going to go for the high bars here. So if one of you could catch me, that'd be great. Thanks. You got it up. All right. And if the other one could just shout encouragement, that'd be really good.

That'd be really helpful because I bloody need it. I don't have any upper body strength. Or bones that are attached. Because he sounded like a skeleton before. He was quite a big guy. His skeleton sounds fucked. He wouldn't have a bone that's complete in his body. He's broken.

So yeah, he's... It was just funny how you were like, yeah, they were broken. We get it, bones. I mentioned it several times that he broke some bones. And I went back and said it a couple times. Yeah, skeleton. So he's in soldiering environment and he's got two armed guards with him at all time. Despite these precautions, up and bolted from his little courtyard,

straight through the German barracks and out through the front gate of the camp. The guard in the machine gun tower later told other prisoners that he refrained from shooting up him out of sheer respect. Wow. And as he could see the guard, the German soldiers coming up the road, and he thought, well, they'll get him. So he let him get out And he's like

Well, there's German soldiers Right there They'll catch it That's weird It's very weird So he was soon recaptured Obviously by those German soldiers And he was sent to

The infamous Kolditz Castle Oh that's the castle Yeah On the 14th of October In 1944 Whereabouts are we Dave Or chess probably

But you'd heard of that castle I don't ever know It's like a famous German Prisoner of War camp It's like up on a mountain type thing In Germany or somewhere in Europe.

I think it's in Germany, yeah. I think so. When Colts Castle was captured by American forces, most of the inmates made their own way home immediately. Upham joined an American unit, was armed and equipped, and wanted to fight the Germans. So he's obviously had some healing.

His arms come good? Yeah, well, yeah, I think he's been in there for a while. Wow. And he's skeleton, which is made up of bones. Yeah. The skeletal system. It somehow healed itself. That's wild

This guy's great I reckon VC Actually stands for Very cool That's offensive to VC winners Only in this case Okay Apple was keen to see action again

But was instead sent to Britain Where he was reunited with Molly McTamney Tell you what What's the opposite of action Action Britain in the 1940s What a drab dreary town Not like now

London is a real center point in the world of culture and good times. My parents are in London right now. What? I miss them so much. I'm really worried about them. They're having a ball. No, I'm just like, it's a big flight over and I was a bit worried about them. They haven't done a big flight like that before.

I was genuinely quite worried. Oh, they've never been to Europe. Never been to Europe. Oh, they can have the best time. They're not jealous. They're having a great time, but I worry about them. Let's go to Europe. All right.

Yes. Let's get a cold. It's castle. Okay, yeah, it'll be great. I'll generally be keen. Anyway. Oh, we can do a live pod from a castle. No, I don't want to do it from there.

No, yeah, that would not be. If it's a feel bad. There's a really cool story where a bunch of prisoners broke out of there with this elaborate escape plan, which would be a sick episode. Put it in the hat. Can we put stuff in the hat? No. Somebody put it in the hat.

Come on. Please. Anyway, so he goes to Britain. He's reunited with Molly, who is. serving as a nurse and they were married in New Milton in Hampshire on the 20th of June 1945 and he returned

to New Zealand in early September and she followed him in December. So now he's finished with his war stuff. Just in time for Christmas. Perfect. For his actions that I described earlier, he was awarded a bar to his VC.

His citation noted that his complete indifference to danger and his personal bravery have become a byword in the whole of the New Zealand Expendatory Force. Order to bar. That is a real high honour. Does he have to run it? Or is it like, you know, does management come in and he just gets to like drink there and hang out or whatever?

It's more one of those. It's like a set up. It's just, I mean, it's a burden in a lot of ways. If it's like a rundown establishment, you know what I mean? It's a fixer-u-u-upper. If it's a fixer-u-u-upper, I mean, is that really an honour? You know what I mean? Remember a few weeks ago where you kept smelling my drink bottle to see if I'd been drinking?

Yeah. Matt, have you been drinking? Funnily enough, yes, but not that much. The difference is that it was a surprise with you, Jess. I've had two beers. Matt's a given. I had one beer, actually. Which is it?

One or two? That means three. You've got a problem. Anyway, he's a little fun fact. So he's getting his second VC, right? So King George, what's a VI? Yes. Yes.

It's actually V. And that's short for... That's never worked before ever. I just shook my head at him and he shut up. What are we going to say? What are we going to say? I felt like I haven't had a lot of support here. I've got, I've tried to chase down a few.

Maddie? I'm just trying to... Yeah, what is it? What is it's short for? No, no. Look, to be honest. King George V. No, it's fine.

I just realized we've got it the wrong way around. It's King George the 6th. He chose the name George. Albert was his name. That's what I said before. No, we said the other way around, I think. No, I said his name was Albert and then his Regnal name was George. Great.

We said that right. Thanks for interrupting Matt, writers. He was about to make progress. Matt? No, it's fine. No, I get it. You don't want to see me have fun on the show. You want to be the only one who has a good time.

No, you and Dave have a fun. one riff and I'll sit here and watch. Well, it's been like that for 98 other episodes. Why change now? 98, you wish, mate. Oh yeah, fuck. So King George V, insert joke here. Had invested up him with his first Victoria Cross of Buckingham Palace back in 1945.

When the recommendation was made for the second VC, the King remarked to Major General Howard Kippenberger, that a bar to the cross would be very unusual indeed and firmly said, does he deserve it? And Kippenberger replied, in my respectful opinion, sir, up and won the VC several times over. He's won heaps.

I think that's pretty cool. He's got a little satchel full. He's full of satchels. He's got one satchels grenades, one Victoria Crosses. You do not want to mix them up. So you are wearing a hand grenade. and I bow to thee

See that support that Jess just gave Dave on that little riff Must be nice Dave Must be real nice It really is It really is I've got a satchel full of support over here Thank you Jess Friendship

Now back in New Zealand Up and resisted invitations to take up politics In appreciation for his heroism Some of 10,000 pounds was raised To buy him a farm He appreciated the tribute but declined the money, which was used to endow the Charles Uppam Scholarship Fund

to send sons of ex-servicemen to university. Oh, he's a good guy, too. He's such a good dude. But why would he need a farm? He's already got this bar he's got to fix up. Yeah. How many burdens do you need? Oh, you're going to give me a fixer up a farm as well?

It probably would be. Let's be honest. Yeah. 10,000 pounds. Come on. What are you buying? I bet it was just like a lavender farm or something. And at the time, lavender had a very low value.

What about now? Oh, now it's through the roof. would have been great, you know, if you were thinking ahead, which you obviously wasn't, it would have been a great investment. But, you know, very cool on the sporting field of war. But once he got home to the sporting feel of life, civility and arity, he, you know, dropped the ball, you know, sporting-wise, metaphorically speaking, of course. Do you see why we don't let you riff?

Well, so it's a different, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the support was there, you know. Rifts live or die because of the bouncingness. Well, it's hard to bounce when you don't shut the fuck up. When you just silently shake your head at me, what I call the opposite of support, not a very upperm kind of value. And leave me out there hanging.

You please say do go on. Do go on. Thank you. Fiercely determined to avoid all publicity, Upham at first refused to return to Britain for a victory parade in 1946 and only gave in at the request of the New Zealand Prime Minister. He has to be like, Prime Minister's like, Charlie. Mate, come on.

Come on, mate. Come on, mate. All right, PM, I'll do it for you. It'll be fun. Oh, they say fun the same as us. I just trying to make fun of their accent, but they just sound the same with that one. Finn. It'll be fun.

That's about right. Also in 1946, up and bought a farm of his own. Didn't need your donations. I didn't need a hammy-down farm. He bought a farm at Ruffer Downs, some 100 miles north of Christchurch. And he worked, so there's sort of a similar area to where he had worked before the war. And there he finally found the anonymity that he desired. Although somewhat hampered by his injuries, he became a successful farmer and served on the Board of Governors Christ's College for nearly 20 years.

He and Molly had three daughters and lived on their farm. until January of 94, when Upham's poor health forced him to retire to Christchurch. He died in Canterbury on the 22nd of November in 94, surrounded by his wife and daughters. The year he retired, he died. How old was he? Good question. Well, he was born in, oh God, I don't even know. He was born in 1908 and died in 1994.

And he retired at 86? Yep. That isn't Matt. This is, what an incredible guy after all this. And also, he's broken every bone in his body. It's been shut a million times. It would really hurt. Do you reckon...

Dave's hot take on getting shot. No, but I mean, like, forever. Your body would never be good. Matt, you're a farmer to your 86 and then you don't. Do you reckon getting shot would hurt, Matt? I reckon, yeah, I reckon I would. I mean, I haven't had it happen to me. Can we try?

Yeah, kill me. No, I didn't say kill you. No, if you're dead, you won't be able to tell us how much it hurt. shoot you in the shoulder. I'll let you know as I go out. Okay, how would you do that? I'm just like, ah, yeah, no, that hurts. Give us another one.

And then, and then all this pain would be over. Oh, God. I'm so sorry. It's the pain of the wound in my shoulder. Okay, cool. His funeral was in the Christchurch Cathedral and was conducted with full military honours. The streets of Christchurch were lined by over 5,000 people.

Upper Miss buried in the graveyard of St. Paul's, church and his death was also marked by memorial service in 1995 in London, attended by representatives of the royal family, senior New Zealand government and political figures, senior members of the British and New Zealand armed forces, the commander of the allied forces in Crete and the seventh Governor General of New Zealand, as well as representatives of veterans, organisations and other VC and George Crossholders. Wow, so people were like, all right, we've got to pull out all the stops with this guy. Yeah, it was a pretty big deal.

So that is basically my story about Charles Upham, two-time VC winner. That is, what an incredible life. Pretty cool, huh? But also, like, I saw, I found on YouTube, remember this show This Is Your Life? Yeah. God, that was a good show. Mike Monroe. But it wasn't Mike Monroe because it was a New Zealand version.

New Zealand version. Um, probably not Guy Smik. Me. I'm trying to hear. Muscle Crow. Um, but I saw, they. They did one for Charles Uppam and he was like... Oh, he was on it?

Yeah, he was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, they don't really give you a choice to that because I don't think he would agree. They ambushed him on the farm. They do. Hey, up him. Oh, fuck.

It's Mike Monroe. But they ambushed him and they took him in and he just like... And he pulled out a bag of hand grenades and started throwing. It's actually terrible television. Oh, is it? Because he's so modest and he's not into it. He doesn't want to talk about himself. That's interesting.

He would have had to have signed off on it to let them... Yeah, of course. But he would have been like, oh, you've made such a fuss. I don't want to ruin everyone's time. But he's just kind of like looking down a lot and like he's listening, but he's, it's not really engaged or that much. It's like, it's hard to watch, but it's just because of the nature of that person. So when did he die?

94. 94. So this is in the early 90s? I reckon even late 80s, possibly, yeah. Yeah, right. It was a long time ago. But yeah, very cool. But you often get that as well.

With all of them, they tend to just be quite humble and, And I remember one of them quite recently I wish I remembered which one It was as an Australian guy But like didn't tell his wife or something That he was being awarded the VC Didn't tell I didn't want to make it fast

Wow Pretty cool Do you want to hear just something real quick Like a little fun fact as well I would love to Matt doesn't get to say Did you know There's a Victoria Cross equivalent for animals

I did not know It's called the Dickin Medal And it's It's to honour the work of animals In World War II That's when it started It's a bronze medallion It says the words

Forgallant tree on it And we also serve And it's mostly I'm going to list here Of recipients of the Dickon Medal Most of them What animals do you think they are Dogs?

Donkeys? Horses Dogs are quite Their dogs are up there, especially sort of later or more recently. Camels. A few horses. Giant tortoises. Mostly in the early days. Pants.

Pigeons. Carrier. The first one was a pigeon called White Vision in December of 1943, delivered a message that led to the rescue of a ditched air crew in October of 1943. She flew nine hours in bad visibility. That is incredible. The kitchen got a medal. That's so great.

That's so good. Yeah, anyway, I just thought that was a rule. Do you think all the other pigeons have to bow to it now? Yeah, I see. Assuming it's still going. They know the rules. That's nine hour flight. That is pretty great.

It's pretty great. I mean, it is. Does the bird know it's getting an award though? Does the bird know it's done anything good? Good job, light vision. The bird's like, I'd prefer it just a bit of light rye, to be on. That'd be much nicer. Get the bread gun.

Get the bread gun. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Fire out of the bread gun. Anyway, that's my report. Thank you. Matt, I just want to extend a very sincere... Are you serious?

I was going to give you a medal for... For valour. I was about to offer a very sincere apology for shutting you down. And as I went to do that, you interrupted me. Is that calmer? Is that the calmer bus? Will these two ever get along? I was, no, I was going to say, I'd give you a reporter.

Bronze Dickens Award for being a real dog. You're the best dog here. No, the report, you dildo. Not the fucking Jess. Did I just get a dildo medal? Giving you a brass dildo, Dave. Oh, great. Best side kick.

Make everyone bow down to it. Yeah. To the dildo? Yeah. You carry it around with you? You can only go up. Forever up. Forever up.

Thank you so much to our golden hat suggestion there. Yep. Stuart Alcock. Thank you very much. Stuart Alcock. So good. Is Stuart a New Zealander? Do you think?

I don't know. Maybe. Have such a cool New Zealand hero. Man, thank you so much, Stuart. A cracking topic that if it hadn't gone to the golden hat, perhaps never would have made it onto the show. I'd never heard of stick it right up him. Me either, but I like him. What a champ.

He probably is the baddest of the bad ass. He does sound like the bad ass, no doubt. It's got the worst ass of the lot. Oh, so bad. His ass is awful. It's all over the shop. It just goes up. But, you know, up him.

Up him. Right, up him. Took me a second to get it. If you would like to support the show via Patreon, like our good friend, Stuart Alcock has done via the Golden Hat. You can hit up patreon.com slash do-go-on pod. I'm going to release our bonus monthly episode very, very soon.

You want to get on that bandwagon. We'd also like to thank, along with Stuart, a couple of other people that support the show through Patreon. Yes. May I kick it off? Oh, Jess, please do. Well, I'd like to thank a couple of people. The first one, it's actually someone that we know because we've met this person at firstly a Planet Broadcasting launch.

Are you about to thank Matt? We have met Matt. Unfortunately. You thanking Phil Kit again? He seems to be getting thanked every time. I love Phil Kit. He just loves Phil Kit. I love Phil Kit.

He's seven to the hundred. He's got a million-dollar smile, Phil Kit. Phil Kit. Sorry for saying your name so many times, Phil Kit, but also not, because it's a cool name. But the other person that we would like to thank who we met at the same time we met Phil Kit, and who also came to a couple of our live shows at the Comedy Festival, very, very lovely friend of ours from here in Melbourne

Sof Waldron! Oh, Sof, what a legend. Thank you, Sof. I wonder if Sof has brought a ticket to our 100th episode. She'll feel guilty now if she hasn't. But thank you, Sof. I think we should award each of these listeners. What award would you give Sof, Jess?

Oh, okay. A military award? That might be, I don't know if that, that might be a little offensive. How about a daytime Emmy? Daytime Emmy, great. Yes. I don't know if she quite deserves a military award.

I don't know. Maybe she does. No, I was wondering what your criteria was, what type of award? Daytime Emmy, good one. Yeah, that is good. Yeah, that is good. Absolutely. Daytime Emmy is, that is a very funny sounding award.

It does sound funny. It's real. The other person that I would like to think is well, well, while we're here, if you don't mind. Oh, don't mind. This time, not as local as Sof in Melbourne. This is all the way from Virginia Which is where the Mothman Prophecies occurred

It was West Virginia Mountain Mama Damn it I'd really like to think The Mothman The Mothman himself No The prophecies come true

Get off the bridge You're trying to warn us If anyone is listening to this going over the bridge Can you stop spoiling it? Can you stop spoilt and I haven't listened yet? I'm trying to save a life No care You're ruining a story

No, I'd like to think the mothman himself. Brad Smith. Brad Smith's the mothman. Brad Smith. Brad Smith, you naughty mothman, you. Brad Smith, great name. I like it's a rock solid name. I love a rock solid name like Brad Smith.

Brad Smith. He sounds like he could have been a cowboy. Probably. And what award do you give? I'm not good at awards. What about the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film? Brad, from Virginia. That's foreign to us.

Okay, that'll do. Could I thank a couple? Yeah, I'm going to try and think of some awards. Great, I'd love to thank. Oh, and I know both of these people. That's exciting. Dan Barley, who I met at our Sydney Live show. It's a bloody gentleman.

We all met Dan. He's, uh, he had, uh, he had maybe the most, um, uh, Scheldt, uh, guns that I'd ever seen. He was, he was, it was a gun show. And a tattoo show. And a tattoo show. He was a double feature. I'll tell you what, I could not take my eyes off those guns. I did, I mean, I probably glanced at him briefly.

It would have been weird conversation otherwise. You're transfixed. Real nice guy, I liked him a lot. What award would you give him, Jess? I would give Dan, I just Googled obscure awards, and I would give Dan the stellar award for the dumbest lawsuit. Wow. Dan Barley.

Dan knows what he did. He works in advertising, I think. Yeah, well, that's wrong. So obviously that makes quite a bit of sense. And also I'd love to thank Pete Curry, my boss. He runs the Quizmeister's trivia. Are you laughing at the idea of trivia? Pete Curry's like that.

The idea that I've got a boss? No, not at all. I'm trying to find other awards, and these are all terrible awards that I cannot give to nice people like Pete. Well, Pete Curry, who I am also a big, big fan of, hello Pete. There's always a 50-50 question in the Quizmeister's quiz that Pete runs, which is real award or fake award. Oh, there is two. Yeah.

That's one of the, is it the last? Yeah, the last question. Is this a real award? Well. Sometimes they throw in like little funny ones, like the Peter Curry Award for best home renovation. Great. That is a very funny one. All the hosts go, that's my boss.

Well, maybe Pete would have heard of the Ernie Awards for the most sexist comment. Oh, no! That one goes to bloody Charlie Uppam. This one's for the men. I have not taken any bullets for any of the women. I'll tell you that much. What's the award for sexiest comment? Because that's much better.

The Burt Awards. Oh, yeah. The sexist were Ernie. Do you get it? Burt and Ernie. I do. Do you get it? I get it, I love it.

Matt, do you get my joke? I do. I get it so much, and I want to dedicate that joke of Jess's just then to Pete Curry and Dan Barley, because I think you guys deserve that joke more than anyone. To Pete and Dan. Bert and Ernie. Our Burton Ernie. I would like to thank a couple of people too now, if I may.

Pete's also got Sveldt guns, by the way. I can't get my ass off him. Sveld vert guns. I've never seen this man's guns, but I reckon he's got a gun, collection. Oh. He's got guns. He sounds like he's got money.

He's got guns at his legs. Guns of his legs? Yeah. What? Probably the recipient of the Usain Bolt Award for Best Leg Guns. Oh, you're slipping mind. Or a Grammy for Best Urban Album. Yay! He saved it.

It's Tom Price from the urban capital of the UK, Shropshire. Shropshire. Shropshire. How wonderful. I love fuck you so much. I love it. I love it so much. That's my new voice.

Trying that out, Tom. What do you think? The only way you can do it is doing this weird rat face. His face is fucked. I love it so much, though. Maybe I'll do a little video about it. It looks like that dog. You know that dog that always wins the ugliest dog in the world?

Yeah. Oh, come on. You know that meme that was like Stephen with a V? Yeah, that's what he looked like. I don't know that mean, but I'm a fucking offended. I just want to do my little voice. I'm going to find it now. No, Stephen with a pH.

It was like, Stephen. At least say the H correctly, please. H. Thank you. That felt good to get her back a little bit. Tom Price, that was for you, that little outburst. And I'd also like to thank. we are ending in our favorite state of all

from Canton, Ohio. We gotta do a split screen photo alone. That's the photo I was sticking up. Have you seen it yet, Dave? Why aren't you laughing along? I guess you haven't seen it yet, but that's what you look like. I haven't looked in the mirror.

I don't know what my face looks like when I do my little voice. Stephen. Very good. That's the dog that you look like. You look like that dog from the internet when you do the face. It is very, very good. Oh, that was great. I would like to thank.

All the way from Canton, Ohio. Ohio. Just outside of Akron. Ohio. We say Akron wrong. Oh, sorry, Akron. Oh, Aquan. No, that's not...

That's very much worse. Let's just say, let's stick with Canton, Ohio. Scott Wilkinson. Scott Wilkinson. He's a big Ohio guy. If I'm thinking of the right guy, he's got an Ohio mascot. Big tweeter? Big tweeter.

Thank you, Scott. Thank you, Scott. Thank you, Scott. You're a gun. Wow. It's all good. guns today. Sorry for

interrupting your thank there with just losing it over that meme. No, okay? I guess

I'm going my little voice. Steven. That's great. We're taking a favor of that for show.

I will not allow it. Will not allow it. Oh shit. That was the best. Now, if you two

would like to support the show that supports you if you're Matt Jess or Dave, head over to Patreon.

com slash do go one box. And you can get bonus episodes, shoutouts, and you get to vote for my topic. I just did the poll today for what will be our 100th episode. Oh, that's exciting. Wait, so you're doing the report so Matt and I don't have to do anything. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. So good. So good. I love that. Jess, you just have to sell the T-shirts. Okay, darn, I can do that. I worked in retail for a long time. Come on down.

If you have a ticket, please do come to the European beer cafe this Saturday at 5 o'clock. It's going to be a gay old time. It's going to be a bloody Ripper. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Do goon, kids. Holy shit, that was so fun. All right, guys. For everyone coming to our live show, we'll see you there.

And for everyone at home, the next time you hear us, it will be our 100th episode. I've put three sweet... Spooky. I put three sweet topics in the hat. You can't go wrong with this one. Can't go wrong. Awesome.

Cannot wait. You normally put in a dud or two. Not this time. Two duds. Two duds and one good one. And I hope they pick right. They always be right. They always be good.

All right, guys, we'll be back next week. But until then, I will say thank you and goodbye. Later. Bye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. Don't forget to sign up to our tour mailing list so we know where in the world you are

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