Donnell - The Donnell Rawlings Show Episode #079
Episode Date: April 21, 2022Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey boys and girls, this is boy Don Air Rollins and first off I want to personally thank you for helping the Don Air Rollins Show grow.
In a matter of five weeks, we've gained over 15,000 new subscribers.
That's you, you, you, you, you.
And the motherfucker that didn't do it, it's not you.
I want to take this time to say thank you, but we want to keep going, keep pushing forward.
So I encourage you to tell all your friends, all your fans, subscribe to the Donnell Rawlings Show on YouTube and all podcast platforms.
All right, now, time for the show.
The Donnell Rawlings Show, live in your face.
Fuck out, bitch-ass nigga, you'll never take my place, nigga! Thank you. So what's the deal?
I can't clap no more?
All they do is this.
What the fuck they doing, man?
All they do is this.
I just want to take my place.
I want to start by saying this.
I want to say that I want to drop a bomb.
Only reason I want to drop a bomb I want to start by saying this I want to say that I want to drop a bomb The only reason I want to drop a bomb Because on that button
There's a bomb
To be dropped
Who win an award nigga
I ain't even paying attention
Them Ukraine niggas right
Yeah
Yo them Ukraine
Hopefully by the time
This show comes out
It'll be over
Man
Ain't no goddamn war Gonna be over in three months.
Man, them Ukraine niggas is going over.
I don't even, I haven't really been following
because I don't really know too many Ukraine niggas,
but I know that Russia is like, god damn.
They thought they were going down fast.
Them niggas is like fucking Mexicans.
They fight like Mexicans niggas.
They're not leaving.
No, I'm just saying they fight.
When I say I ain't trying to be disrespectful to Mexicans,
I'm talking about the Latino niggas.
Them Latino niggas, they do shit like cut your pinky off.
Oh.
You're talking El Salvadorian.
M numbers.
Mm-hmm.
M-13s.
I remember when I used to live in Alexandria,
we used to be scared of them.
Anything with an M or a number,
because they'd be like,
yo, man,
you're a foreigner, man,
they're going to chop your thumb off.
A motherfucker can take a shot,
but knowing you're going to chop somebody's thumb off,
then you got to ask yourself,
will I grow another thumb?
Don't grow another thumb.
Never, never.
Is it how it's going to feel?
Because y'all know,
I got shot in the thumb.
Told y'all about that shit.
Did you really get shot? I think I kind of
heard this story. I don't know if you really got shot.
Just for the streets.
In the streets because I was in the hospital
for three days, right?
Right? Everybody know. I talked about it on
Joe Rogan. So you being
in the streets.
Me being in the streets.
How did you find out? What happened though?
I don't know. I just heard bits
and pieces of the story but you did not
get shot. I got shot? The fuck you talking
about? No. So what story did you
hear? You just hurt
your thumb and it was very minor.
Was it the shell casing that hit him?
I was in the hospital for three days.
I know you were in the hospital for three days
but it wasn't that big of a deal
to who
to the people on the streets
I could have died fucking with these streets man
three days in the hospital though that's a hefty bill
that's a hefty bill
if you don't have insurance
absolutely
yo
y'all gonna hear some funny shit about when I had got shot, nigga.
Yo, this is the funny shit.
I was like, yo, how long you going to be up there, man?
I was like, until they kick me out, nigga.
This was during the pandemic.
I didn't want to hear nobody's mouth, nigga.
The first time I got some rest was when I was in the hospital.
Yo, I was like, oh, man, I had to recline a joint.
And then I didn't have no, you can't, I wasn't going to have surgery.
They just was checking and digging all the fragments out.
Oh, so you really got shot.
I was in the hospital.
But you were using it as a resort?
Yes.
And calling food in. I Yes. And calling food in.
I heard you were calling food in.
You know, like
getting mad at people who couldn't
get there, but it was COVID.
I was like, damn.
That's what you heard. That's what I heard.
So they said I was acting up in the hospital.
You were acting up in the hospital.
So that means to tell me, the streets was like,
this nigga act like he got shot, shot, shot. That's what they were saying? Shot, shot, shot. So they said that I was in the hospital. So that means to tell me the streets was like, this nigga act like he got shot, shot, shot.
That's what they was saying?
Shot, shot, shot.
Shot, shot, shot.
So they saying that I was in the hospital door dashing.
Door dashing.
I ain't going front.
What was your favorite meal you got in the hospital?
Them niggas said, I had In-N-Out.
Javante brought me In-N-Out.
Yo, I was up in the hospital chilling, son.
That pandemic was getting to a motherfucker.
All you hear is...
That hospital, man, that shit felt good, son.
But niggas didn't believe that I had got shot.
Fuck it, I got shot.
You ever got shot?
I've never been shot.
Just gotten those medical shots.
Which ones?
Like when I went to Africa, you had to get all those immunization shots.
I got the old school joint you know what I mean
that scar that round
yo you got that round joint
you just started hearing mash theme songs
I got that round
come on man what the fuck is up
man what is the mash theme song
no what the fuck is up with these shirts
yo
huh
cause we match is that okay you think that it's okay if
we match it's okay could we when we go out to the club i already have an outfit for us i already
have an outfit for us you know your little sparkly joint and then she has an outfit for me we about
to match my crisscross uh-huh with the sparkles we about to match don My crisscross top. With the sparkles. We about to match.
Don't even trip.
Let's go.
And nobody want, don't nobody want y'all to match.
They want y'all to jog.
I'm sorry.
These shirts. You're just watching it on the monitor.
Yeah, I feel like a pervert.
I'm like somebody call for something.
Well, this will open to my next conversation that I would like to have with you.
Did you practice this?
No, I didn't.
No, you felt.
How is your light so fucking perfect?
And my shit like, what the fuck is going on?
Yours is good.
You got two lights.
I have one.
Your shit is glowing.
That's just my skin, honey.
Oops.
When you got that glow.
That Nubian queen.
That Nubian queen.
Comes in what color?
Brown.
Thank you.
All right.
Brown. Cinnamon. Cinnamon crunch, or whatever.
And for our listeners, just so you know, I've had a couple of these drinks,
so I'm feeling a little looser than usual.
So you know Julius, your friend that just had the beautiful baby boy?
I'm talking to you.
But he has a gorgeous baby boy.
So I wrote him, and I just said, he's gorgeous, he's beautiful, and I'm like, I always wanted a gorgeous boy. So I wrote him and I just said, he's gorgeous.
He's beautiful.
And I'm like, I always wanted a little boy.
He said, why don't you talk to Donnell?
What?
About having a boy?
Because he said, that got your attention from the monitor right now.
You looked at me in that moment.
Yo, man, you had a couple of drinks.
I had a couple of drinks.
This is what niggas do when they get drinks.
So it got me to thinking.
Sorry.
Is that wrong?
Fuck all that shit. Don't let titties around me when Iies. So it got me to thinking. Sorry. Is that wrong? Fuck all that shit.
Don't have titties around me when I drink.
That's all I'm saying.
So it got me to.
Me too.
Me, nigga.
Take that.
I'm the only nigga that's not gonna fuck out of here.
I'm looking too.
Go.
It got me to thinking.
How good is a friend?
I don't give a fuck about what you're thinking.
What the fuck we thinking, nigga?
So, okay, listeners. If you had a friend i'm 42 years
old i brought that out there the guy i'm dating is not ready to have kids i'm on the i still want
sons and so julia said well donnell wants more kids why don't you ask him to donate what are
we close enough friends where you would donate your sperm to me to have a child you call
a donor i call the fuck you no no no no because i don't know we can't we can't have sex because
we wouldn't be able to have sex because that would bring in a whole bunch of other emotions
and so how are we gonna make a baby we go to the office fuck i can't feel that boy with that shit I want to be up in there
I'm saying niggas got a certain
stroke so I'm telling you I knew it also was about to be
born nigga I knew that
I knew that I said this is it right here
so you hit a boy
what that stroke I just knew it
the stroke brings the boy
I don't know it's just an energy
was it a back stroke
I ain't even gonna talk about it cause there i was like that backstroke oh no son i ain't gonna talk about because it's
people like that i mean whatever but yeah uh donate no no you wouldn't you would not
if i was at the verge and said i because you would be a wonderful father
would you want to cope would you want to co-parent with me what how good of a friend
you have to be first off able to co-parent somebody?
First off, I'm not co-parent with you.
I ain't going to do this.
I ain't going to donate without smashing.
And co-parent, nigga, fuck that.
Something got to, something got to.
But we work together and we're friends.
And that sex thing always brings in other elements, right?
But if you can raise children together, you know what kind of mother I am.
I know what kind of father you are.
Can you get together and have and raise this by i don't know i could do that right now
because that's what he said no the reason why because um i'm
it's crazy i'm still in love with the idea of having a kid with somebody that I love.
Yeah, I love that.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like certain shit don't work out all the time,
but I still have the idea of being in love and raising a kid together.
I still have that, too.
You know what I mean?
But I also have 42-year-old eggs,
and I'm wondering how long they're gonna last.
I'm also a real nigga,
and I ain't skeeting in the cup, nigga.
If you wanna get it, you gotta get it out of there.
You gotta get it out of there.
You gotta get it out of there.
Yo, you gotta get it out of there.
Don't hand me no tube, nigga.
Get it out of there, nigga.
Walk, walk, walk, nigga.
Get it out of there.
Let's go.
Yo, fuck that.
Would you mind, Donnell, we're going to have a kid together, daddy, mommy, and everything,
and we won't have any.
It would be hard for me not to have a connection.
But there's more connection than that in life because you lose that, as you found out,
you lose that connection. I do out, you lose that connection.
But you know what? Real talk,
I know
you will be
adult. Well, you're already an adult, mom.
And then the fact,
just so you know, real mom bitches in the best way.
Mom bitches
that gave up a certain part of
their life, altered it.
They were young. They had kids young, so it's a certain part of that, not gave up a certain part of their life, altered it. They were young.
They had the kids young, so it's a certain part of their life
they gave up. They still did
the thing when they gave up.
And then right when you're at the
point where, okay, like you are,
they're gone,
they did a good job, and still
young enough, and still got the energy
to go again, and to feel that,
and then that when I have kids,
like,
that makes you like
super bitch.
You know what I mean?
Two rounds of kids.
Two are going.
I could be a grandma
if I,
you know,
if my kids were like that.
I could be a grandma now,
but my kids are like,
they keep it clean.
what the fuck you laughing at?
You said you'd be a grandma
and she looked at me like,
this nigga is a granddad.
Yo,
Toya,
she looked at me like, this granddad, daddad. Yo, Toya, she looked at me like,
this granddad, dad, ass nigga right here,
I know it's the real.
I'm going to tell you, this is how I know.
Well, I do know it's real, but this was so dope.
Like, I did a show recently in Denver at the Comedy Works, right?
It's dope.
So now there's a franchise.
There's two of them.
Wendy, the owner, she owns a few years,
the best comics in the world.
Love to perform there. It's downtown. them. Wendy, the owner, she owns it for years. The best comics in the world. Love to perform these downtown.
I was the only one
in the country
where no black people go.
Like, it's just all white people.
I was like,
who the fuck is performing
at night?
Wayne Brady?
Is that wrong?
Wayne Brady owes me 50 cents.
Well, you can finish your story.
So,
now I'm more excited about the 50 cents
than Wayne Brady owes you.
What is it?
Years ago,
I was at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
Of course.
And,
and,
and you know,
when you're at Roscoe's,
there's a bunch of meters out there.
And so every time the meter maid comes by, the host comes running and says,
does everyone pay their meters?
The meter guy is here.
So you see everyone jumping up from every table and everyone runs outside.
And Wayne Brady goes, I don't have any change.
Because this was back in that day where you actually need change.
They didn't have cards.
Why you do his pants like that?
It was real tight.
It was tight.
She was like this.
Knowing Wayne Brady. Yeah, it was tight.? It was tight? She was like this. Knowing Wayne Brady,
yeah, it was tight.
Nah, don't talk about Wayne.
I fuck with Wayne.
And so,
I like Wayne.
I think he wears,
Wayne Brady,
I want my 50 cents back.
Or a thank you.
A thank you would have been nice as well.
Any hoot.
I gave,
I said,
well, I have extra change
and I had a bunch of quarters
because I came prepared.
You know I'm always prepared.
And I was like, here, take this.
You prepared for that donation.
I know you're ready for that skate, skate, skate.
But go ahead.
And you looked me in my eyes like I was going to answer that question like, Donnell, what would you do?
Well, I am.
Well, on that, I'm curious of how good of friends people need to be for someone to, like, can I give birth?
Like, if I had a gay couple friend that wanted me to have their child I just wonder how
like what would that dynamic be if
someone trusted me to birth
their child for me I would say yes
only if I had a really
if I was involved I would say yes
yeah I can't
yeah I can't just skeet
I wouldn't be able to give it away I wouldn't be able to
give birth to a child and give it away
I ain't got a lot of extra skeets to just be giving out to
me. And eggs. I mean, I don't have those either.
How many you got left in you? Skeet? I'm gonna tell
you something, sir. I don't know, sir.
How many skeets you got left?
Look, look, look. My street skeet.
The skeet. What's your street say
about your skeet? Ain't like it used to be.
But I'm gonna tell you that shit. When it hit,
it hit. You know. And you know.
No, I know my shit is fire, sir.
What do men mean when they say
it ain't like it used to be
it used to be like you used to
go all night
like you try to just fuck a chick
all night
to get her to get like three nuts
right you get to the point like
it's about the quantity of the nuts
they get right so
what used to take you three hours
you figure out a crevice or a spot to hit
where you can bang out three back
to back it's the quality not the quantity
I know like it's like a certain
like it's certain motions
it's certain
I'm on both
alright get both
I ain't saying a nigga can't
you know what I mean
I always say a nigga can't you know what I mean? You know what nigga, sorry.
I always say nigga Kate,
you know how I do it, nigga.
That's how I do it.
Bitches play with me,
fuckers talk about this.
Get bowlegged out here.
Stop playing.
I was up in here
doing donations for Nicki, nigga.
That's how I do it.
You get both, you get both
you get both
but
you get to a certain point
and then you look at like
okay
numbers you took down
and everything
and then you're like
okay what do I
what do I want her to do
what do I want her to do
what do I want her to do
how can I get her to do it
I could
we could
prolong this
we can knock it out
it can be
whatever
it's just
what energies.
But it's something to be said.
How tired am I?
Yeah, how tired you are?
I'm like, yeah, nigga.
It's something to be said about it, nigga.
Like, can plan on two hours, but push comes to shove.
Literally, push comes to shove.
Push comes to shove.
We can, like, shorten that down.
You know, we got shit to do.
Yes.
And I don't even know, like, where, like, god damn.
All night. I hear these stories. Yeah, I don't even know like where like God damn all night.
I hear these stories.
Yeah, I don't want that.
Of all night.
I'm like
a whole night?
I don't want a whole night
because
I'm not sure
this breaks in between.
Naps,
eating.
All night.
I don't like the all nights.
I like to go to bed.
I want to walk funny
the next day.
Oh my God.
But you can get that you can get that without going all night. You just funny the next day. Oh my God. But you can get that.
You can get that without going all night.
You just need the right one.
Yo, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I did not know.
Pigs want to walk funny the next day.
That's how I know I was doing good.
Wait a minute.
Literally.
So if you're not walking funny
next day
for you
that's not a good session
no
you wanna look like
you're on that movie
death becomes her
when they're walking
yeah
I'll give you two more years
of that type of
yeah
it's always like
yeah
I want that reverse cow girl
and then
till they do the reverse cowgirl,
and then they start saying,
oh, my leg's burning.
Let's get off of that.
That's how they do these things.
You need a bitch that works out.
Yo, they do industry.
Leg day.
You know you get older
when you start negotiating positions.
You know, like,
you start saying shit like,
all right,
you got to do all the work. No, it's even more when you tap though when you when your legs are burning you tap you double tap all right your
turn when you got to negotiate before it's like you look at their faces like okay we both want
to do it but uh who's doing all the work you know it's like i'm like this can't we work together
no it's like who's doing all the work and then they'll hit you with negotiate and you can't win
because you'll say they could be excited right like oh i want to do it and then you're like okay
let's go and then they'd be like but and then you're, but you gotta do all the work.
But that's why,
no,
did I hit this shit right here?
All right,
nevermind,
I'm going to sleep.
No,
that's why us girls
just lay on our back.
We just call it a day.
We don't say,
have to verbally say
you do all the work.
We just lay on our back.
We're like,
you want it?
You want it?
Yeah,
but don't nobody care
about all that shit,
man.
Motherfuckers just want
a moan at the right moment,
a oh shit, a grasp of the pillowcase,
a look back, and then pop, pop, pop, pop.
There's your donation.
Skeet, skeet.
Motherfucker.
But you said, God damn it.
I don't want to make this show lip service.
This show's called Dick Service.
Yo, did y'all see me?
Angela Yee and the whole crew.
Fuck that.
Yo, welcome to.
That's a good show.
That's a good show.
Dick Service.
Hold on.
Hold on.
All right.
Okay.
Hold on.
That's right.
You got a popular cast.
Popular podcast called Lip Service when the women get together and they talk about candelilla
rice.
They talk about how their clitoris can be tantalized and touched.
And we all know that Nikki has had a couple of drinks.
And she's swinging them things.
But this is an episode of Dick Service.
We drop it upon.
I think Anjali needs me on her show, too.
Because I would have fun.
Oh, God.
Nobody wants me.
Here we go.
God damn it.
Anyhoo, back to Wayne Brady.
He got up.
How did we go back to Wayne Brady?
I gave him 50 cents.
He ran outside to pay his meter, and he came back in and sat down.
Didn't take care of me and my girlfriend's breakfast,
and didn't say thank you for the 50 cents and nothing.
That's my experience with Wayne Brady.
Why did you make it seem like it was going to be such a joyous experience,
and then you look at me like, fuck that nigga Wayne Brady. Why did you make it seem like it was going to be such a joyous experience and then you look at me like,
fuck that nigga Wayne Brady.
You gave him 50 cents.
Yes.
Did he give you 50 cents back?
No.
And he didn't put anything towards our food.
Put 50 cents towards our food or anything.
He just got up and left as if I didn't give him 52 quarters.
Okay, answer this question.
And he didn't get a ticket. You wanted him to do something, right? I thought a thank you would have been nice. Okay, he wasn't going to give him 52 quarters. Okay, answer this question. And he didn't get a ticket.
You wanted him to do something, right?
I thought a thank you would have been nice.
Okay, he wasn't going to give him no money.
If the nigga just got 50 cents from you,
he didn't have no money to buy it.
So maybe he was, it was like.
This was like, I'm going to say this is like 2002.
You didn't do it from your heart.
Sounds like to me.
A thank you would have been nice.
You didn't do it from your heart.
You did it because
you thought something could become
of you giving Wayne Brady 50 cents.
No, I didn't. You couldn't just take the memory.
No, I didn't. The memory that Wayne
Brady needed 50 cents and you gave
it to him wasn't enough for you.
I did it because he was in the table
next to me and we were all rushing
around and I'm pulling out change
and it was like
what did you want from wayne brady i didn't want anything and i thought it like because he was like
i don't have and i was like oh i have these coins thank you i want to say it was like two 2002
issues before i had my daughter before i actually was it before wayne brady had to choke a bitch? Wait, what happened? Was it before Wayne Brady had to choke a bitch?
I don't know.
You don't know that Wayne Brady came close to choking a bitch?
Absolutely not.
I thought he always just worked on the show,
and he was like a goody two-shoe.
So you don't know when Wayne Brady was so fed up
with the situation
that he looked at
a close friend of mine and said
is Wayne Brady going to have to
choke a bitch
that's right ladies and gentlemen
she seems to think oh wait that's right that ladies and gentlemen. She seems to think...
Oh, wait.
I think I know.
I know.
Hold on.
That drink is kicking in.
It's coming in.
That drink is kicking in.
I know.
All right.
Put your titties away and focus.
I know.
There will be no donations.
And that shirt...
I know.
Nikki, I have to say, if I ever thought about dropping off a donation, well, there you have
it.
And... I know what you're talking about now.
Latoya, Jesus Christ.
They try to say, I don't got no
positive black boy in my life.
Well,
you're fucking wrong.
And that there's no regular
positive black bitches. They eat salads,
nigga. And buy a
plethora of it. What's up, boys
and girls? It's time for a promotion not a promotion
but an endorsement and one thing i like about endorsements is when i like the product i know
people say donnell you've been ashy all your life why aren't you hydrated because sometimes
i don't drink the water that i need to drink but fret no further Donnell there's a new product that I enjoy that helps me go from ashy to classy and it gives me all the
hydration I need for a day what's that product Donnell it's liquid IV what's so
special about liquid IV I don't like to drink a lot of water one stick of liquor
IV and 16 ounces of water will hydrate you two
times faster than the average water so you don't have to worry about being
bloated, you don't have to worry about the yucky yucky taste of water because it
comes in flavors. Some people are saying, Donnell what flavors would it come in? It
comes in watermelon, it comes in lemon lime, it comes in pina colada and more
importantly you'll be hydrated. But there's more. You're saying Donnell what It comes in watermelon, it comes in lemon lime, it comes in pina colada, and more importantly,
you'll be hydrated.
But there's more!
You're saying, Donnell, what does this do for my body?
How am I gonna feel in the morning?
Well, when you've had that long night of partying
or whatever you're doing, you wake up in the morning,
16 ounces of water, one stick of liquid IV,
and your life will change two times faster
than anything water's ever going to do.
The flavors are amazing. It's filled with vitamins, essential minerals, vitamin B3,
5, 6, 12, 13, all of them. I know it's got vitamin D. You know what vitamin D is? D's?
I won't say that. And it's filled with vitamin C. Donnell, how do I get to change my life with
hydration? I tell you how to do it. Go to any Costco nationwide and buy it in bulk.
If you don't want to do that, you can save 25% by going to liquidiv.com.
That's liquidiv.com.
Change your life.
Change the way you think.
Get motivated.
Liquidiv.com.
Stay hydrated.
Salads.
Salads. Salads. And here at the Donnelly and Rollins Show, our mission is to have fun,
not let Alex curse us out.
Right?
Ever.
Have a good time.
Have fun.
Right?
I want to call somebody.
That's what we do.
Who are we calling?
Don't worry about that.
Calling out my name.
Call me by my name.
Yo, so first of all,
Latoya, thank you for sitting there.
People are seeing you in the background.
And she's very interested because
she looks good every day.
And then it'll be in places like,
yo, we're going to go to the gas station and get some M&Ms.
And she'll show up
like,
looking like she about to hit a red carpet
it's anytime she has the prep
and then I'll be like this
where you coming from she's like home
like home
and she's part of
team Donnell
she's a part of what we're going to do in Yellow Springs
and
she has no problem
at all
with spending your money
yo some people
I'm going to tell you something
I'm going to tell you the difference
because I got a couple people to spend my money
I'll be honest
I got some bug eyye bitches spending my money.
Let me tell you about Buckeye bitches.
This is why I'm so excited about Memorial Day weekend.
It's like streets, creeks.
You know what I'm saying?
It really is street versus creek.
And everybody has their things at Breach Entertainment.
It's dope.
One thing I noticed about Buckeye bitches, they don't like to spend a lot of money.
No. notice about Buckeye bitches, they don't like to spend a lot of money. No, like, they will faint
over it.
If you're
shopping and a shit
hit a certain amount of money, they start
doing like this.
Yo, they start
getting like, they should be like
$900. They like, I gotta go
outside. I gotta go relax myself.
The bug out, bitch.
The creeps.
The street bitches
like her, Queens.
It's my shot to see her.
Both of y'all.
We getting everything
ready for
summer camp for Donnell Land.
Accommodations, hotels. We trying to lock, hotels, we're trying to lock down everything.
And I was trying to lock down all the, god damn, it's going to be out by now.
I was trying to lock down all the Airbnbs, and initially I wanted to lock them all down
just so I could block Cena out in case he wanted to do something.
Oh, my God.
Because Cena's a Persian asshole.
Right, shout out to all the niggas wearing Air Force Ones.
And where they're not allowed.
So,
damn,
what was I saying?
Help me back.
Airbnb.
So we getting Airbnbs.
So,
it's a person on my team
that doesn't like
to book Airbnbs
for whatever reason.
I don't know if it's like
some shit they saw
on like forensic files
or something
or something.
But it's really a tough situation. They just don't want to do it. And I was like, fuck that, you ain't know if it's like some shit they saw on like forensic files or something or something but it's really a tough
situation. They just don't want to do it.
And I was like fuck that. You don't want to do it.
And I called you right?
Yo. And I was like
I was like I was like
I'm going to say I'm going to say their names.
We are real. We are real.
I'm like well Elizabeth.
Liz Beth. We call her Liz Beth.
Liz Beth. Yo she's Liz Beth. Liz Beth.
Yo, she's a white chick that likes salads and gets drunk off of water.
And she's the best.
Like, her idea of a good time is doing shots of Aquavina, nigga.
Oh, my God.
And she gets, like, loose off of shots of water.
Like, who?
Right?
So, no, I'm telling you.
Like, am I lying Samson
I know
so
Elizabeth didn't want to do it
for whatever reason
so I said
I told you
I'm not upset or anything
I said for some reason
the family doesn't
like
associate with
I don't know what it is
I said I have to respect
I said but
I need to
get out
and I'm trying to be
really nice about it because I'm not mad at her.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not mad at her, but I'm just like this.
I don't have time.
What can I do?
You just need to get it done.
I need to get it done.
So I was like, you know, I was telling a story.
And right half way through the story, Latoya says, what do you need me to do?
And I said, oh, shit, man.
I was like, lock these shits down, right?
Right, shit.
No, you said, I want everything.
I want it all.
Get it all.
Buy it all.
No, I didn't say buy it all.
Buy it all.
I said, whatever.
Is that like buy it all?
Yeah, that's buy it all.
That's the same as buy it all?
Yeah.
I was like, all right.
I was like, whatever.
She was like, so what are you?
I was like, whatever.
Get them. Get them all. Get them all. buy it all? Yeah. I was like, all right. I was like, whatever. She was like, so what are you? I was like, whatever. Get them.
Get them all.
Get them all.
Like, all of them.
Get them all.
Whatever is left.
All of whatever is left.
Get them all.
And then, yo, and I didn't know she was.
I did not know.
She was listening.
No, I did not know.
Hey, you tell me you're doing something.
I didn't know she was going to get them all, like,
before I hung up the phone.
Yo, I thought I got robbed, son.
Yo, I was on the phone.
I was fresh.
Don't say nothing else.
Yo, I was so fresh off of her.
I didn't even know what was going on.
I was like, oh, somebody stole my credit card.
Hey, son, I'm not on right i was like oh somebody stole my credit card hey son i'm not lying i was like this i love fraud alerts right i'm like oh man it's annoying but at least they're on top of it right that shit was like this i was in front it was like this
large item approved large item approved i was he said, what card you use?
He called me and said,
what card you using? I thought it was
a fraud. I thought it was a fraud
because I was like, I mixed and matched on
whatever card for like benefits and shit.
And I don't even know.
I gave two.
I didn't even know that
someone,
you should move to Atlanta, sir. Like, you got scammed. That's know that someone, you should move to Atlanta, son.
Like, you got scammed.
That's like that quick, nigga.
Yo, that shit came through.
Bring, bring, bring.
So I'm looking at him.
Because Airbnb is not that expensive.
I'm looking at him, right?
I was like, where the fuck did this joint right here come from?
She's like, that's the one you really liked.
She's efficient. Yo, she was like, that's the one you really liked. She's efficient.
Yo, she was like,
that's the one you,
she was like,
that's the one you really liked.
I said, yeah.
Yeah, that's the one I really liked.
I said, how much what,
what I really like?
And she told me,
I said,
I could have got four,
I could have got four ones that I like
for that one that I like.
That you really like.
And I was like this.
But it was nice.
It was very nice.
But for what, here's my thing.
For what we're doing, you know what I'm saying?
It's like, it wouldn't make sense to do that when we got to, like,
host so many people.
But on the dolo.
You're going to stay in that really nice one.
I might lock that joint down anyway.
Just for, you know.
I had a hot tub. So you got to, there's. Just for, you know. I had a hot tub.
So you got two.
There's one thing you got to do.
I know this sounds crazy.
My arrogant son, we go places.
He talking about, how a little six-year-old nigga going to say,
do they have a hot tub?
Do they have a hot tub?
My son.
Spoiled him.
You know what?
Yep.
That's what old dads do.
This dude.
I just, what I was saying earlier was that I just did a show at Denver Works in Denver.
Right?
It was a weekend.
His mother, it's her birthday.
Happy birthday.
Happy.
By this time, it would be belated.
Happy birthday, Stephanie.
You know, she's beautiful.
Okay.
I never argue with that.
I know.
I'm just.
Why you act like I don't see it? You know, she's beautiful. Okay, I never argue with that. I know, I'm just... I've never, like, seen her.
And I've seen your posts and stuff like that.
Yeah, I've seen her before.
You know, she's pretty.
She's really beautiful.
Yeah, she's beautiful.
Which leads me to what I have to deal with all the time.
A nigga told me straight up.
I told him I was going to show him a picture of my son.
Right?
And I pulled it out. he looked at the picture he said
I said well he said
thank god so well he said he don't look
nothing like you god
I was like that's dirty
I feel like he
I see he looks at your body too
she's very attractive I can't take it away
she's very attractive she's very
so attractive that she gave me a fine ass son.
In my face, you guys look closely.
It looked like it could be funny, a lot of things, but fine.
So she gave that to me.
I think he looks like a perfect half between both of you.
He's a nice little kid.
Yeah.
Yep.
But you made me forget what I was saying.
You were talking about the hot tub and him loving the hot tub.
Also, my son, that's one thing about being a nigga old enough to be a granddad and a dad.
You don't have time for stupid shit.
Only thing you fuck with is all the shit he like.
Nigga, I ain't trying to win a race.
How much you want to race for?
Five dollars, daddy.
Okay, here's the ten dollars. I'm going to go take a nap.
You won.
Oh, you won.
I'm happy, but you won. You want to win a race?
Or you want to get the money?
So this weekend,
we went to Denver Comedy Works
and his mother
was on a girl trip or whatever that trip is.
I know.
I mean, that's what it is. You got to take your lumps wherever they are. was on girl trip or whatever that trip is i know
i mean that's what it is you gotta take your lumps wherever they are
girl trip or whatever it's funny no girl trips with no girls in the background
nigga i mean i took bitches they never saw me in here eating oysters nigga
I'm that nigga bitch
oh you're the
you take the picture
of the girl
that's on the girl trip
yeah
I take the picture
oh yeah yeah
you on the girl trip
yeah yeah
I remember when Ricky
and Angela
went on the girl trip
I remember you wanted
to be a part of that
so bad
because I can hang out
with the girls
no but they wanted me to go I'm a. Because I can hang out with the girls.
No, but they wanted me to go.
I'm a good time when I hang out.
They wanted you to go.
No, real talk.
I tell you, if you ask any of them chicks, whatever,
if it was one nigga that you would let go on a girl trip,
it would be me.
Except for that one.
No, I could have went on it.
My schedule, I was too busy.
So I was way too busy. Okay.
I was. So the weekend I was way too busy. Okay. I was.
So the weekend we did Denver Improv.
I mean, no, Denver Comedy Works.
I got to take my son on the road.
I got to take my sister on the road.
And I got to take my daughter, Maggie, on the road.
I see that.
Oh, Maggie.
Man, I was winning.
I was like this.
I look at
good nights I've had on the road.
I had a lot of them.
I had some questionable. I had some that could make TMZ.
All that. And I had some
joints. I'm like, you can tell.
Say, wait, nigga, you remember this? Nope.
I don't remember. Did I have a good time?
Yep, I had those. I had some good ones.
Some good ones.
But when I look at
like
my career and the fun I've had
and hanging out and what I
consider to be a good
night, and this weekend was
special as shit.
It was the longest
like my son hasn't had like an overnight like that
with my side of the family you know i'm saying like his side of the family love me ma i love
big tree i love the whole family but that's the side that he is more connected it happens sometimes
yeah the mother's side it's usually the mom's side. Mom's side, you don't get that. You know, I get
it.
And I respect
it, but I want them to see, I want
a nigga to see
niggas with bushes.
Yo,
I fuck with them Salvadorian niggas.
Y'all here too pretty. Nigga, I be picking that shit out.
Fuck is y'all talking about?
I know my son a nigga, but that nigga like pupusas.
Nigga, stop playing.
M13, M17, whatever the number is.
All y'all niggas fuck with pupusas.
My son like the ones with the bean and the cheese.
Nigga, get out of here.
Samson, though, that nigga's son addicted to pupusas too, son.
My son is a pupusa head.
And we was in Denver, and he's arrogant too.
And I knew he was going to be arrogant because I named him Austin with an E.
So he could stop niggas in a sentence.
He'd be like, my name's Austin.
And then he'd be like this.
He'd try to write it.
He'd be like, I'm sorry.
That's Austin with an E.
And guess what?
That nigga act like Austin with an E.
He does, and he's so adorable.
This is what he did.
This trip was so dope.
I'm going to tell you for so many reasons.
First time my sister did an overnight with him.
And me and my sister, this is my sister from my dad.
We had like 10 kids.
It's probably still counting.
And we were really, really close.
We were really, really close.
We were really close.
We had memories.
And I remember one memory we had with my dad was my dad just dope created
Land Over Maryland.
Dope for those standards back then.
It was a house he bought from his man, IJ.
And if you know DC, that's all I have to say.
That jacuzzi up in his spot.
All this shit.
And this shit had a motherfucking Ms. Pac-Man
arcade game.
I'm gonna lose some niggas when I say
this because they only know it from like
a
app or fake or replica
but this nigga
had a Ms. Pac-Man
arcade
game that at the time
the only place you would see it would be like in Pizza Hut.
Or at the arcade.
Or at the arcade.
You couldn't just, you could get a kilo of cocaine, Samson.
You could get a kilo of coke.
But could you get a Pac-Man nigga?
Absolutely not.
Nigga.
And my father had the Pac-Man.
We used to go, nigga.
Like, it's so funny.
My father had so much money, but we were so poor.
That's just, I guess I say this sometimes, you know?
Especially my mother didn't want to steal money he used to bring.
I don't know why my mother ain't rob that nigga.
I used to open drawers, nigga.
It'd be like, like where the socks was.
It was just like drawers and drawers.
I'm like, who's stealing this shit?
I didn't steal that, but I'm going to tell y'all where I stole from what I stole from
the change bucket nigga
oh my god
me and my brother tore that shit down
nigga yo we came up
nigga we was like cause the change bucket
start off like this mad quarters you like
oh shit nigga look
you like sifting gold you like this nigga
all these quarters nigga I got ten dollars
in my hand.
That's the first week.
The next week, you be getting down to dimes, nickels, and pennies,
and then we think they ain't going to know.
Put some more nickels in there, they ain't going to know.
And I kind of stay like part of it when my son gets it.
And I remember he had the video games,
and that's a memory that I have with him
I used to call niggas
right playing Miss Pac-Man
I was playing Miss Pac-Man
right calling niggas
I used to be like this
nigga I'm at my father house
I'm getting eight
I'm getting eight up and everything
and it's like
that nigga said I'm in my father house
nigga they said wait
you sound like you at the arcade
I was like yeah nigga
cause he got an arcade up in this motherfucker
they was like the fuck out of here let me hear it again
when I was like the fuck out let me hear it again when I was like this
I was like who this nigga know
and it's
in an article of his life
and the troubles that he been
it's
Charles E. Greer
versus the United States of America
and it talks about him and his crew when they had video arcades locked down in D.C.
Video arcades locked down in D.C.
And the reason I'm telling you all this, so we get to, usually in the comedy scene,
they have the comedy condo.
The comedy condo is usually fucked up.
You know, you could get, they leave
donations in there.
The donations
you like.
Them donations.
With no love attached to anything.
They'll leave a baby.
They'll leave a baby in a solo cup.
That's normally what you think about
with the comedy condos, but this comedy condo
is not like that at all.
It's beautiful.
And when I walked in there,
I walked in there with my sister and my son and my daughter, right?
I walked in there.
I was like, oh, man.
I just saw all the bright colors.
And in the bathtub area, he had a big rubber ducky.
I was just like, yo, man, I don't know if they set this up for kids or perverts.
I didn't know. I was like, it's a lot of hungry hippo over there I'm like you nigga
but it's like so family friendly
and my son was going
crazy he was like
look at these games and then
in the middle of the floor
this is what touched me
it was a
Ms. Pac-Man game.
It was a Ms.
Pac-Man game.
The same
it was probably
refurbished or whatever
but it was the same style
it was the same everything.
The nostalgia.
And I looked at that shit and I was like same everything. The nostalgia. It's the, yo. And I looked at that shit, and I was like, oh, man.
I was like, everything, I was like, what?
This is dope.
Right?
I looked at it.
Austin don't know what the fuck it is.
He don't know it was a lamp.
That nigga, he just know where he put his Capri Suns.
Like, we like, oh, is that Ms. Pac-Man?
He like, what? I know Ms. Pat from her new, oh, is that Miss Pac-Man? He like, what? I know Miss
Pat from her new show. Is that Miss
Pac-Man? Get it?
Shut up.
Goddamn, I shot my
own shit. Austin
paying no attention. And my motherfucking
sister pulls up on it.
Blip.
Blip. And I was
like, goddamn.
I was like, damn I was like
we sharing the moment
my son totally ignored it
right
and I was like
and like I was talking about earlier
like what is a good time on the road
that shit was dope as shit
this moment was for you
yeah but not only that
but it was like discipline too
I was like
oh nigga you can't turn up
this nigga's at home.
He's going to be at home waiting.
I always take him to the first show.
And the funny thing, this is why this trip was so special to me.
Y'all know I'm an old-head dad, Nick.
Dino dad?
Is that what they call you?
You know what?
Yo, first off, you going to stop who they is, bitch.
I want some names.
Fuck that, Mickey.
Shut the fuck up.
Fuck you and Mickey.
Fuck you and Mickey. I thought you were talking about me, but no Mickey. Shut the fuck up. Fuck you and Mickey. Fuck you and Mickey.
I thought you were talking about me, but no Mickey.
No, no.
Now you got fucking pronouns.
No.
Fuck y'all, her, she, they, them, theirs, they's.
But I was, that moment, I was like, man, this shit is crazy.
I'm about to recreate the same shit with him.
Right?
And being on the road, I'm like, oh, shit, I can't go out.
I can't turn up.
I wasn't even mad at it.
But I did go get one little nightcap.
Of course you did.
Yeah, and then shout out to my man Julius,
because Julius was there, and he's a dad now.
And I know he a dad, because he gave me dad energy the whole night.
Everywhere we went, he looked like, yo, I'm ready to leave, bruh.
And I was only backstage.
He got a newborn.
Shout out to River.
His son's name is River.
Congratulations.
Adorable, too.
And this guy's been down with my podcast from day one.
I'm going to tell you what this motherfucker said to me.
He said, Donnell, I'm going to make you a million dollars.
Okay.
I'll just leave it at that.
Such a loyal guy.
I didn't realize how handsome he was until you posted this picture.
I don't know handsome niggas.
I know niggas with regular faces.
Get the fuck out of here.
He looked like he'd go a whole night. That's what you're trying to say? I mean, heas with regular faces. Get the fuck out of here. He look like he go a whole night.
That's what you're trying to say?
I mean, he just had a son.
Was he about 6'3"?
What is Julius?
About 6'3"?
Yo, you stupid.
You see?
She said he does have a son.
Yo, that's going to hurt so many niggas that only got daughters.
No, I understand it.
But he did tell me.
I talked to him, and he was about you know
working on the deck and stuff he's like didn't donnell tell you i just had a son i told everybody
i maybe didn't tell you but that's what i knew i knew that his energy like i was like i was so
happy for my dude going back to heal dad now because he's a really private person whatever and this is why I understand
like how much
of a blessing in like
like having a kid
some people have kids for whatever
reason they do they don't or whatever
but like
he was like
oh I don't know if that's gonna ever
when you said he said
talk to Donnell I didn't know if that's going to ever. When you said, he said, talk to Donnell.
I didn't think it like that for a donation because I told him,
in probably like the last eight years,
I have conversations with people talking about kids.
And every so often, I'll pick somebody, not pick them,
but I just fill out like this.
This is what happened to you in a year.
I could just fill it.
Michael Yo, I said it.
Chris D'Elia, I said it.
And Julius, I said it.
And Julius, and I don't want to put his business on the list,
but just the dopeness of being able to have children.
I told Julius that. And one one day i just called him i said nigga when you gonna tell me you're having a baby
he said nigga are you kidding me this is a real story i was like i could just feel it right
and he was excited and he was like ah and he like me, ah, ah. And he, like me, and a lot of people,
went through a situation where your excitement was soon just cut
because...
And I'm not putting this business,
I'm not trying to put this business on there.
I'm just talking about with somebody, like,
when that happens to you, when you want it.
It's real because it happens almost 50% of the time,
60% of the time. You ain't doing it like
you ain't fucking for fun no more.
You fuck for fun.
You know, you're like, okay.
You know, and then it don't happen.
And then you get close.
That's how he was. And then
you know.
But he never like
gave up on it
and
tell you
if you have a miscarriage
you don't tell
if you go again
you don't say nothing
to nobody
until you get past
where you was
no you
yeah
that's how it was
me and Stephanie
nigga
you're supposed to wait
three months anyways
nigga okay
tell her over here
nigga
that haven't heard I'm pregnant in years nigga I know wasn't me and Stephanie, nigga. You're supposed to wait three months anyways. Nigga, okay, tell her over here, nigga,
that haven't heard I'm pregnant in years.
Nigga.
I know.
I remember when Stephanie
told me she was pregnant.
I said, about who, bitch?
I said, I had this skin
a long time.
Uh-uh.
I want a DNA test.
Why, to see if it's your son?
No, to make sure
you ain't my daughter, bitch.
You know how old I am, though.
Ah! I was going to save it for the special.
So you're not my daughter.
Yeah, I was going to save it for the special.
Well, that's a cut.
That's a good one.
You know why it's a good one?
Because it's the truth.
It's the truth.
And that's what, I'm going to tell you.
This is so funny.
I'm talking about being an older dad.
So we in Denver, I got my son here
and one of my friends
got named Demetrius
where I've been
knowing him for years
he used to fuck
with one of my relatives
cause he could dance
remember back in the day
when niggas could get
some pussy
cause they could dance
oh absolutely
like did nigga
hit one of these
you be like
oh shit come over here
JD
whatever your fucking name is
it's always some letters
yeah it's like
Jay come over here
CJ TJ right hey CS Jay, come over here.
CJ, TJ.
Right.
Hey, CS,
get your ass over here.
BJ, I got a BJ.
Them nickname niggas was getting all the rest.
Right.
It's my man's, right?
And so he was like,
yo,
why I got to find out
on Facebook?
You got a show?
I was like,
because that's where
you get your information, nigga.
Turn on the radio,
you're here.
Turn on the news, you're here, right? And he was like, you coming down? I said, yeah. I'm coming down your information nigga turn on the radio you're here turn on the news you're here right
and he was like
you coming down
I said yeah
I'm coming down
he said yeah
I want to come to your show
yo I got my son
I was like
nigga
that's your son
he said yeah
I got my son
I was like
I got my son
he said my son
six
I said nigga
my son's six
they're two months apart aww I seen them six. I said, nigga, my son's six.
They're two months apart.
Aw.
I seen them.
And me and these,
these niggas,
old niggas.
We old niggas.
If you old nigga with a young son,
you gotta travel
across country
to catch some of,
yeah,
niggas done with kids.
To match.
Yeah,
niggas done with kids
and shit.
Nigga,
38,
nigga,
35 year old niggas
be coming to my parties
and shit. So, I 38, nigga. Of 35-year-old niggas, we call them my parties and shit.
So I told my manager, I said, I was like, bring your son.
I told him, I said, nigga, I'm going to have my son.
Bring your son.
I was like, they get to meet.
You know, it was going to be dope, right?
And I said, put Demetrius on the list.
Then my manager called me.
He said, yeah, the club just called me.
Demetrius showed up With a six year old
He said
And I was like okay
He said Demetrius showed up
With a six year old
The club doesn't want
A six year old
In the club
He's gonna go in the green room
Look I said
Well
I'm about to bring
My six year old nigga
And we going to the green room Yes Cause I was gonna do a joke And say put Demetrius Look, I said, well, I'm about to bring my six-year-old, nigga,
and we going to the green room.
Yes.
Because I was going to do a joke and say put Demetrius plus son instead of one.
And, man, they hit it off.
They had a great night.
They came for the first show.
They didn't give a fuck about who was on stage.
It was backstage having an amazing time.
After the first show,
they went out there and they started having
dance contests and shit.
And I was getting mad, right?
Because my son kept on
trying to challenge
this nigga, right?
And I'm trying to
tell this nigga,
do you know
this nigga used to
fuck my aunt
off of how he danced?
I ain't say which one.
I wanted my son like nigga this nigga nice
he gonna be fucking Maggie
nigga you better stop playing right
yo
I know that's crazy
but it's a comedy show
but I was like
don't fuck with him
his father's
this nigga
you know this nigga
his father that nigga
I'm like don't do it
so they have the dance contest Austin lose the dance contest
he looked like he was winning
a little bit
he's cute
what the fuck is your problem yo
I love him
you just told me my son can't dance
can he
how am I going to answer
you just told me
you didn't say he's a work in progress.
You didn't say,
with a little more time,
you said,
Austin can't dance.
He can't.
He can't play basketball.
He can't do that either,
but I said,
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I said,
I am going to take him for a while,
and he's going to have the dancing down,
and he's going to have the basketball down and he's going to have the basketball
down. Man, fuck all that, man. My son
can dance. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm going back
to my goddamn story. I need a sound
effect. Fuck that.
Say something else.
Oh, no, that's my son. Hold on.
That's my son.
Damn, son. Where'd you find this?
Wait a minute.
I think that works for me.
Shut up.
No, I'm going to fuck you up.
Yo, get the fuck over here.
No, nigga.
The money.
Because I know what I'm talking about.
Okay, what I'm trying to tell you.
So, they hang out. It's beautiful. I'm trying to tell you So They hang out It's beautiful
I'm like, oh shit
This is a beautiful weekend
We on short time
I was like, he's gonna go home
Right, this is why I know this nigga
It's Austin with an E
So later my sister told me
So after Austin
Took his bath
He said
Auntie Can we order room service? Yes he does After Austin took his bath, he said,
Auntie, can we order room service?
Yes, he does.
Listen, in the condo, the comedy condo,
she was like, I don't think they have room service here.
He said, this is what he said.
He said, okay, what about DoorDash or Seamless?
Seamless?
Yo, wait a minute.
This is how he talks. He said, DoorDash, heamless? Seamless? Yo, wait a minute. This is how he talks.
He said DoorDash.
He speaks in mom.
Right, right.
You know where DoorDash and Seamless come from.
It's not Drink Chance, but I am sipping.
He said,
Kimmy DoorDash, she said,
I don't know, but what would you want?
He said,
pupusas.
And my sister's like,
what the fuck is a pupusa?
He said, it's a Salvadorian street food
that looks like a quesadilla,
but mainly it's
stuffed with beans and cheese.
Bean and cheese being my
favorite. I don't like the ones
with the meat.
She said, well, I don't
think we're going to be able to find any
pupusas. Then he
says,
how about
a stuffed crust
pizza?
I love him.
She said, I don't think I can get a stuffed crust pizza.
To which he said, well, then I'll settle.
I'll settle.
I'll settle.
Yo, this is his shit.
He said, I'll settle for a regular cheese pizza and wings you realize that that's why
your son had me out
at like 10pm walking
to BJ's from our hotel room when
you guys had the second show what did he
do because I know you guys disappeared
forever well they were hungry and then
they asked about the room service
they did
and I said these places don't have room service
I said this place don't have room service but there's a couple I said, these places don't have room service. I said, these places don't have room service, but there's a couple of restaurants right
here.
Well, what do they have?
Who said this?
Your son.
Oh, God.
He said, well, what do they have?
And so we went through the menu.
So we ended up walking to go get some pizzas.
He said, what do they have on the menu?
So he got you for pizza night.
What about Krispy Kreme night?
The Krispy Kreme was all on this one over here.
Samson had me driving in a line for 45 minutes.
And then to where I'm like, can I park?
Is it slower or is it faster for you to walk in?
So I parked.
He walks in and goes and gets those donuts.
I would have said no because I wanted to get it for breakfast.
Because I think donuts are breakfast food.
I don't think you should say no.
No, listen.
I'm a mom, and I'm a good mom.
I'm a granddad.
Okay.
I'm a granddad.
Listen, it was almost 7.
I think your show was at 7, so it had to have been like 6.30.
We were running late.
Right.
And y'all were leaving me with kids high on donuts,
and you were going to go to your show?
Right.
No.
Right.
No. Could you do me a go to your show? Right. No. He said right. No.
Could you do me a favor?
Huh?
Go ahead.
Could you not beat Austin?
I don't beat him.
No, I'm just saying.
Don't beat my son.
I would never spank somebody else's child.
You're a beater though.
I would never spank someone else's child,
but they do see it in my face.
I just saw it.
You're a beater. You're a beater.
You're a beater.
You just scared me.
The thing is, they know how to shape it up when they're getting too much.
But the thing, Austin has never gotten too much.
I give him the eye like one time, and I think Stephanie might give it to him.
He knows it, and he's good.
He a hustler.
You know what his hustle is?
And I don't know,
it might be, this nigga
know how to get birthday
cakes. This is
what he do.
He go around talking about,
he find out
who birthday is coming up.
Or if it's something, he give him a birthday.
This nigga had a
fish and a Frank Fogg, right'd give them a birthday. This nigga had a fish and a fake frog, right?
They both had birthday parties.
Yo, because he know you could be attached.
You're like, aw, his first birthday party with a fake frog, right?
This nigga be like this daddy.
And we had a frog.
Oh, no, it was a fish named Jerome and a fake turtle.
Jerome?
What kind of fish was it, by the way?
It was the darkest one.
He had a fake turtle named Slowpoke
and then I thought
he was good at naming shit
and I got him a fish. He called that shit Jerome
and he treated him like a Jerome.
He fed him.
These niggas went on vacation to Paris
and that nigga came back.
It was an angelfish. They don't die for shit.
They just got to run out of water.
If you hear somebody
had an angelfish that died,
that means the fish died
with half its fin dry on the outside.
Oh my God.
So wait, so he named him Jerome.
You said they went to Paris.
It was like a Paris.
So it was Jerome and not Jerome.
Yeah, Jerome.
They went to Paris.
They went to Paris for a birthday or something.
They ain't give a fuck about that joint.
So going back to him being a hustler, this motherfucker,
he had a birthday for a plant.
He got a cake, a fish, a frog, his grandma's birthday.
Anybody, oh, did y'all got a birthday?
We about to throw this shit.
Get the red cups. So he told
me, he said, Daddy,
I want to
give Mommy
a surprise
birthday party.
You know, surprise birthday party. He
want to throw totally different from
the one I want.
Can you explain the difference?
Listen, no, I didn't explain nothing. I'm just saying
I'm supporting my son and what he
the party he wants to throw.
So he was like, Daddy,
I want to throw
a surprise party for Mommy.
I'm like, oh, man.
That's so cute.
And then I said,
where you want to throw the surprise
party? He he said at Universal
Studios
that was for him
he's a smart kid
he said yeah man
I want mommy to do a birthday party
at Universal Studios
I'm like dang it
did you fuck with
so I'm like this you got any other suggestions the shit. Did you fuck with? Right. And that's it. And so I'm like this. You got any other suggestions?
I said, you got any other ideas?
He said, yeah.
Yep, Legoland.
Yo, this nigga is like, he don't think I know what's going on.
He like, yeah, Legoland.
I was like, I don't know about Legoland.
He going to hit me with this.
Daddy, what is mommy's favorite place to go?
And I'm like, nigga, please don't let me ask these questions with how I really feel.
You can laugh, bitch.
She's going to be mad at you if she like you.
You just tried to
you did like this you did like this Stephanie
I held it
yo you did like this I like this nigga baby
mama there's a lot of people like that
nigga I am one of them
but you did like this oh no
you did like you might be like this
that's right Donna we're gonna move
it right along
right so he went
from
she wanted the party in
Universal Studios
whatever that means
to Legoland
they said okay daddy
what's the favorite place
mommy like to go
I knew,
I felt what it was,
but in my mind,
I just didn't even know it.
What, like catch?
No, nigga,
out of the country.
Oh yeah, of course.
Italy.
Yeah, one of them.
Police.
Paris, whatever.
French.
So she was like,
who's this?
So he know,
he said,
he said,
daddy,
what's your favorite place to go? I said, I don't know. He said, Daddy, what's Miami Faye place?
I said, I don't know.
Italy, Paris, something?
He said, yeah.
He said, yeah.
I'm like, okay.
And then he said, Daddy,
that's where we do the surprise party.
In Paris.
He said, ha.
I said, yeah, I did. Is this the realest podcast ever?. I say, yeah, hi, nigga.
Is this the realest podcast ever?
I'm like, nigga, you be better off than Chuck E. Cheese, nigga.
I ain't fucking with that shit.
Fuck out of here, nigga.
Fuck that, nigga.
Let them get it.
No, okay, too soon?
Listen.
Listen.
Whatever pronoun.
It's a pronoun out there.
Everybody know people get pronouns.
Right?
If you don't let that laugh go, bitch. Let it out. Right? If you don't let that laugh go, bitch.
Let it out.
Yo, if you don't let that laugh go, nigga,
you about to be that chick that held her fart for seven days.
Oh, my God.
Was that real? Nigga's in the hospital.
Was that real?
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Nigga's in the hospital because she was holding the laugh.
Oh, my God.
So, wait a minute.
Let me tell you.
So, then he like like this nigga so fucking slick
down this nigga like this he said
I said she likes Paris
he said yeah
I was like well I don't know about a Paris
trip this little
motherfucker said daddy I already
paid for it
nigga I went
to my account so quick.
I felt like I was checking my shit
after Toya got a car and shit.
I was like, what the fuck?
But that weekend,
I shared
with my sister. Shout out to her, Linda.
Shout out
to Comedy Works.
Shout out to everybody that was a part of that
I mean the easiest shit
was just
this is what I always tell people
it does not
take a lot
to make a dope memory
and yes
I am in a position where I can
get my son to go on a flight
lesson or whatever
I can travel my son to go on a flight lesson or whatever. I can
travel the world
wherever. And I'm gonna finish
by saying this.
The other day, I said, Austin,
I got a big ass surprise
for you tomorrow. He said, Daddy,
what? We going to the car
wash?
I was like, that's my nigga.
You know what I'm saying?
He thought the biggest thing he could do the next day
was go into a car wash and get
motherfucking spray
soap in the sun, but it's the simple shit.
And the best thing about anything...
Being present. And more than anything,
create
motherfucking memories.
A nigga out here now,
if your kid ain't getting those memories, it's fucked up because it don't motherfucking memories. A nigga out here now,
if your kid ain't getting those memories,
it's fucked up because it don't take a lot
to make memories.
Kids, I remember so many times I waited.
I was supposed to do things with my friends
and my dad said,
I'm coming to get y'all.
I'm like,
my father coming to get me.
Everything is dead.
I remember nights that nigga left me waiting, the sun
going down and everything. What happened to your father,
nigga? Don't worry about it.
He gonna come.
Even if he came for five minutes, that would
have been enough. So for you motherfuckers,
oh, but she
doing this and she doing that.
You do not know
the impact that
you have
just by showing up.
That's right.
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