Don't Blame Me! - Asking Boyfriend if He Would Sleep With my Friends

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Fill out our survey! https://www.dontblameme.show/survey This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Is this racist? Getting into a physical altercation with a friend Are we dating the same guy? Self-sabotoging Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome back to another episode of one of your favorite podcasts are you in a singing mode every show we've started today you've sang it well i did watch high school musical three this weekend are you gonna then watch high school musical the musical this show or whatever it's called wait so matz was like laughing because the premise of the third one wow i just spit so much maybe if you're on patreon you can see that um the premise of the third one is they're doing they're putting on a play obviously the the movie is about a group of high schoolers putting on a high school musical and the inception of the third movie is the musical they're putting on is about their their high school experience and i was like oh my god like could you get more meta

and i go actually you can because then they've released a disney plus original series called high school musical the high school musical musical series series where a high school does high school musical the musical about high schoolers putting on a musical and i was like and olivia rodrigo plays a character who plays gabrielle montez and he was like what the fuck and i was like yeah you know i always have to bring something back to my favorite soap opera and my favorite actress from soap kimberley mccullough who famously played robin scorpio the only like child actor that aged which with her role she's now a directing producer on high school the high school musical the musical series

wow it rolls right off the tongue doesn't it it's right it rolls right out it's perfect i just know that kenny ortega is fucking lounging somewhere catching in these fat checks i love it i absolutely love it it's such a great franchise and i encourage everybody to watch never seen any of it melissa we have we're gonna have to watch them yeah when we do maybe take a little break from the main but am i wrong then we can watch that i do think it might be more important for us to watch cheetah girls to start yes of course because first of all we have we have outfits that we can be i'm sad but i know my place as the dorinda and which even though dorinda in the books not white but is she white in the show nobody knows you're right you know what you are

right it is the biggest question mark i've never even seen it and i know that where where did i come from i don't even know what race am i and then you just have raven so i'm going that's a very good question raven doesn't consider herself black right but galleria galleria isn't galleria half black i do want to say my dad is played by someone named danny like he looks like he's like a danny devito type or a stanley tucci like he's getting very much like metrosexual like italian dad galleria galleria see i know a lot about the the movies never seen them but yes it is a white man an italian white man yeah yeah yeah depends on who you ask you ask him italian yeah so i don't know what you're trying to put him in a box over here megan so sorry one of my ancestors oh yeah

Mm-hmm. Lasagna, carbonara, olive oil. My culture. The greatest thing I've ever learned is discovering I'm partially Italian. It's literally my favorite joke. Anyways, welcome to Don't Blame Me, a podcast where we give you wonderful, amazing, life-changing advice. And it stars us, Megan and Melissa. she's so excited to be here and she's so excited to change your life with like amazing advice that

she's going to give you and oh my god i almost just said the dalai lama as like giving you some credit no not today no no no no no no when i saw the headline that said dalai lama apologizes for asking a boy to suck on his tongue i was like the thing is when i first saw it it was maybe at like three o'clock in the morning on reddit and that's when weird shit gets posted on reddit that i refuse to click on so i thought i thought it was just completely wrong and then imagine my surprise when i wake up the next afternoon and that is all i see from the notifications on my phone from news outlets but i should have followed i should have followed it because i've i've seen a lot of breaking news on at the wee hours of the morning oh i was there on the ground on my phone in my

bed at fire fest like i was watching all that shit and i was like so was i i'm so glad yeah wow i can't even get into that yeah you know what i think about often from fire fest the documentary did you watch it or the suck in the dick the suck in the dick the way that man talked about how he prepared his mouth to go suck some dick for some bottled water a work of art his profile picture social media is still stills from that scene also wasn't he in like a fiji commercial yes yes he was i forgot about that yes he was so the mouth must be good even if it's just talking about it oh wow i could watch that again i could too what a time anyways you might be wondering what we do on this podcast it's advice we give you advice and it's not unsolicited advice because you

legitimately call and you leave voicemails or you email us voice memos at meganpodcasts at gmail.com and we change your life or we don't but either way as the title says you can't blame us so if you'd like to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners oh i closed my eyes for too long and now i don't want to open them international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com for both versions audio message as well as voicemail you have to keep under three minutes or you will be cut off not by us but literally by the technology and we ask that you write everything down ahead of time that you're going to say and then time it out practice it a couple

times make sure it falls under three minutes include the important and relevant details so we do ask that everybody includes how old they are and if there's other people involved in the story how old they are you can include pronouns if you would like use some fake pseudonyms everything is completely anonymous oh you've been 18 or over i have your parents what is i lost it it was australian but then i lost it then it turned irish and then something else anyways do we want to read an update oh my gosh sure do you have it i don't know what we're talking about all right so this is from the previous episode hi i'm the is this racist caller to clarify the girl is not friends with my husband it was a joint birthday party for a set of twins

my husband is friends with the male twin and the girl is friends with the female twin the twins are super different and not friends with each other it was just a 30th so they did it joint because the female twin really wanted it joint my husband wasn't in the room when the girl said that but I told him after and he was like what the fuck we're not interacting with her anymore and did proceed to call her out and the twin that invited her later over text his old roommate is also his old roommate because my husband did call it out and tell him they wouldn't have a relationship until they grew and changed the friends on the male twin side did say it was offensive and fucked up so our friend group is great but it's the female twins friends that i

super rarely have to see that it comes from like maybe once every few years i'll be better about calling it out and calling it in going for it thank you always comes back to twins you and the twin thing and it specifically that was that was a male female twin combo it always comes back to those it does it does well i'm happy to hear that those are not your close personal friends and your husband is on your side and advocating and vouching for you on this yeah sidestep the idea that a 30 like you're not that close in your twins and like you probably haven't had a joint birthday in years but it's like but it's our 30th i guess we should i'd be like what like that's so weird i don't think it's that weird i think it's so especially

if you don't like really like like you don't really get along like 30 is a big enough birthday that you would want to really celebrate the milestone with the people that you like not people you don't like the thing about your twin pictures i am and i don't like that i'd prefer not to I would prefer not to it's the exact reason why you shouldn't anyway also you don't have to like again like it's your choice about how to go after this so like being quote-unquote better about calling people out or in is not you don't have to you don't have to no especially because this isn't like this is not changing your social life like you hardly ever see them and your husband is now more aware like on high alert for this kind of thing like you don't have to go if

those people are gonna be like you don't have to like power through even if it's on like a rare occasion that you're at the same event you know and i would also assume every other person she's friends with sucks you know yeah it seems like it yeah and like i wouldn't give the opportunity like oh well she won't be there and i'm like yeah but like if she's there she has a history of having like shitty racist friends so therefore she's shitty and racist so therefore i don't want to hang out with her you know all right well thank you for sharing and we're gonna take a break we're back from our break and we're ready to change your life with our advice roll the tapes hi my name is rebecca she hurt and i'm 22 i'm calling about

a situation with my friend daniel who's 22 and uses he him pronouns for background information me and daniel have been friends for over three years and basically all college he's my best friend biggest ally and biggest supporter about three weeks ago me him and his boyfriend came over to hang out, and me and Daniel got into a fight. Basically, I approached Daniel pretending like I was going to play hit him, and he hit me on the hand, breaking my fake nail, which hurt a lot, so I screamed fuck. After I screamed fuck, he said, what do you want me to do next time? Fucking head butt you? After this, he proceeded to scream at me that he wanted to kill himself, and dealing with me was constant, and he had to leave. I tried to de-escalate the situation by talking calmly,

but he kept screaming and packing his stuff. Then I began to cry, and a panic attack began. He left my place, slamming the door. Wayfair's who had stayed silent during the fight kissed me on the forehead, hugged me, and left me to have a panic attack on my own. Being a leader, I apologized but agreed we needed time apart. Three weeks later, I had COVID and we're texting like nothing ever happened. Because we both agreed this conversation would be better to happen in person. As someone with a lot of emotional trauma for being screamed at, I am quite hurt. I don't want to end the friendship because I know him and that night wasn't him.

Personally, I've been going through a lot. Back in December, my apartment flooded, and he had to support me. I've had COVID, and I've been recently let go from my job. I can understand how that is an issue, but I'm not sure if I can handle this situation ever happening again. He is my biggest supporter and has helped me heal from previous trauma. So I'm not exactly quite sure what to do, but I would like to mend this between us and hopefully heal. I'd appreciate any advice you have, and I love your podcast. Thank you.

okay so you i just want to go back through the story so they were play fighting correct so i don't it doesn't sound like they were play fighting it sounds like she was she was walking up to pretending that she was going to hit him and reflex he hit her first and it broke her nail and then she screamed how hard do you hit somebody on the hand that it breaks their hand their nail it's it would just be an angle thing like it would be so it was just a reflex and not him purposely hitting her well that's that's my question because the whole thing is is like play fighting is like not a thing that i'm cool with or i don't like that because it always turns into somebody getting angry like this yeah and because of the fact that

like you can't turn off your reflexes so like there is just something that like you can't and then at that point like you also then have a hard time like reading into like the true meaning of because you can't discount what your reflexes do in that so i don't want to like victim blame and say the play like the pretending to hit someone like you can't really like hold someone accountable for for for that but i mean it's dependent on the relationship and i think if you're gonna if you're a play fight kind of people like you have you basically have to know that there's a risk of actually getting hurt when you're doing that but it also didn't seem like she was mad she wasn't mad it was like she just yelled like her her reflex after he had the reflex of hitting her

her reflex was to yell like did you like yell as in like just like let out a loud noise or did you yell like what the fuck did you just do because i think that then determines what he said next because if you said like why the fuck did you do that or what the fuck did you do anything that was like blaming him for a reflex then it's like he got mad like hit then his response was him being angry which i don't i just don't think any of this should have happened because i yeah i think this is a a sucky situation in which like the circumstance was set up where like it's very unlikely for nothing to go wrong and it seems like he's got some shit going on and this this was the the overflow of all of that other shit and you got the receiving end of it and

i think even if you've had like fun play fighting before and it's something that you do in your relationship like the mental state of the people who are participating is not a constant neither are your reflexes and so i think this definitely sucks and how he spoke to you sucks and like screaming that he's like gonna kill himself and like you like because of all of the like that's like super super super not okay and i think he should apologize for that and i think that you should retire doing this kind of physical or even implied gonna fight hit and like energy here because this will happen again even if it's not with him it'll happen with someone else like there's too many varying factors up in the air like if i'm like tired like i'm like excessively

tired or you don't know if i've had a bad day at work or you like something where it's like my reflexes are going to be off or my reflexes aren't as off and like you accidentally lean like go a little too far and you end up hurting someone there like there it just never ends well at all and i i don't think that that means that like you deserve this or like this was coming at all i think it could have just as easily have happened to him the physicality like of this our reflexes are reflexes for a reason they're not intended like they're our body's response they're not like a cycle like they're not our brain going oh i have to do this it's a body kind of reflex there and if it's not a body reflex for him and you guys play fight and like he suddenly like made

it very physical and that's like never been the case that's like super super not okay on his part and it seems like he is not doing well and like the boyfriend who just like sat there like this is like very clearly not a okay situation like why did nobody flinch in that do you mean like why it doesn't it seemed like he was just kind of let to explode on on on you to deal with and this is just like not a good situation no not at all not at all i mean i think if you want an apology I think that's very valid and I think it's okay to ask for an apology I would specific be specific for what you want the apology for and then come to a conclusion and agree between each other about that we're putting memoriam on this like we're not doing this kind of like

physical thing anymore and we're not taking out our personal emotions on each other in that way either and how like that's not appropriate to say to you and that wasn't okay and then i think if there's anything that you feel i think if you feel like regret for the play fighting thing even if he was an active participant i don't think there's anything wrong i don't think it means you're taking full onus of like a a inside joke game that you guys play together but if you can look back on this and be like i wish we didn't do that that's also that's not taking responsibility for that and if he puts all the responsibility on you for that without being like yeah i'm i'm i wish we hadn't started doing that too then i would probably take a longer break

away from this friendship because you didn't get what's coming to him and also neither did he you know what i mean like it's this is just a really get what's coming for you right yeah yeah but i'm saying like neither one of you it's not like both of you got what you deserved in this sense or it's like a tit for tat thing like this is just an unfortunate conclusion to a circumstance that like this is probably it's gonna happen again it's gonna happen again like it got out of hand way too fast and so yeah i think you just you need to talk through it and just say like i think that you should also apologize because it's just this is like a kind of like two-way street but do i think it's more his fault yes because i think it escalated way too quickly but

whatever else is going on with him just let him know especially since you said you grew up in a household where there was or you've experienced someone yelling at you and it didn't turn out it's longing trauma for you so just you guys are friends you said that now you're acting like nothing happened but the thing is if you don't actually talk it out then it's just gonna keep building up and building up and then you're gonna get resentful so still so like talk it out bring it up you said that you've been through a lot together and i don't think that this is just like one thing that could in your friendship unless it's been a series of things that are similar to this and you know just because somebody is good to you in certain situations doesn't mean that

they're good for you all the time yeah and i i do wonder like we're giving a very lot of benefit out because i'm assuming this is like a bit that you guys do together but if it's not and this is like the first time you've done this and like you're like oh it's just like a it's just it was so clearly a joke the same way that you have some trauma about people yelling at you like he couldn't have trauma about like someone being physical and even if it had been a joke that he'd been participating in joking about violence is something that you need consent for every time because you don't know if someone's circumstances have changed uh you don't know if they were coping with something by making fun of something they've gone through before you don't

know if they've moved on past it and you also don't know if something has since traumatized them in between the last time so and i and i don't mean to say this in any like it's also not a very good look for other people like seeing that kind of relationship that you like something like that with other people i wouldn't as an adult i would like really not feel safe or comfortable meeting someone new and watching them even if they're both verbally consenting to a play fight there it's just it's not a healthy mechanism of coping if that's something that you like to do like do a boxing class together like that's a constructive um and secure environment to to do that where it's safe yeah but i'm sorry this is a very stressful situation i'm sorry as well all right

next call hey megan and melissa i'm telling you about a situation between my boyfriend of five years. 23, he, him, Libra, and I. 22, she, her, Taurus. The last couple of years, we have been going to more and more concerts and shows in our area. Just this week, I bought a few more tickets for concerts this summer. They're, for the most part, concerts that he wants to go to and says is okay with him, but I'm starting to notice that he doesn't really offer to pay me back, like, ever. At first, I let slide because we were mostly going to concerts that were like $25, $50 each, and I didn't want to be petty. But the most recent tickets were between $65 and $240 a person. That's a lot of money. And at this point, I'm getting a little annoyed. I think what really annoyed me was the

other day when I asked if he wanted to go to a concert with me, and he said, no, I don't want you to spend that extra money on me. This made me realize that he just inherently expects me to pay for him every time, which is weird because we've always had a 50-50 policy when it comes to spending. Unless, of course, the other person is out of work, which is not the case. If anything, he probably makes more than I do because I'm a nanny. I've just started buying tickets for myself at this point because it's cheaper for me to go by myself. But I wanted your advice on how to bring this up to him in a non-aggressive way because I tend to maybe be a little aggressive when it comes to stuff like this but yeah any advice that you have on this would be uh great

thank you so much thanks okay so my question is the concerts that you're going to since you're saying that now you just go by yourself are there con are they concerts that you're just interested in and he's going like as your plus one and if so then i think that's what he's seeing it as is like you're buying the tickets because you want to go and you're just buying an extra ticket so that he'll accompany you with it. And if that's how it has been the first few times, I think that's just what he's expecting. So it's like now like he's like, I don't if the tickets are getting more expensive, he's like, I don't want you to spend more money to have me go with you, because if he

wanted to go, then he would pay for the ticket. do you think that's it too yeah no i i fully agree i wonder if this is like and i don't mean i know this term is specifically used and that's why it's coming to my head it's very much a neurodivergent term it's like special interest but i don't know how to say it in a neurotypical way but if concerts are like or your thing concerts are your special special interest like they're your thing and there's like a quality time spent that like when your partner's doing that for you it's not a sacrifice or anything like that but it's this is something that really like you're really into and it's it's a it's a show of like love and interest and taking interest in somebody

else's special interest taking interest in something that someone else is really interested in and not so much sharing it from an equal participant but sharing it from like when you show somebody first start dating like your favorite album and it might not be what they would have put on but they you know they want to like learn about like what you like and take take interest in your interests so that's probably how i would have taken it but like when monster's like doing that golf like ticket thing he was like asked me he's like do you want to come and i was like i can totally come with you but like do you want me to come in the sense of like i don't know if i'm gonna be the best participant for you and excitement in this like do you have somebody's

like no no like i think it'll like i think it'll be great like it'll be really fun like there's a bunch of other guys going like i want to get us both tickets and we can both go like i think it'll be great i was like oh amazing i wasn't gonna pay back for for for that that's and like i could have offered but like that was very much like a you know i'm i'm gonna get this this will be a fun thing for us to do but when it's like a shared activity that you're both deciding that you want to do and like a social thing like oh let's do this this will be so much fun let's do this this will be fun that's where like i think when it comes to dates splitting things 50 50 doesn't always work it's not intuitive in that sense because i don't agree with this but a lot

of the time well actually this well i don't know if i agree or disagree with it like look at me learning as i'm saying this so when someone invites you on a date take away the relationship commitment part of it like first date you assume usually the person who invites you on the date is paying for the date they're the person who's doing the planning once you get into a relationship you don't want one party just be doing all of the planning and all of the incentive of planning dates and doing things like that and it seems like for you is he planning anything like is he doing stuff or you is this like something that you're sharing that he's he's participating in and then it becomes like a okay well this is our quality time this is our date night and now i'm

paying for every date night essentially so if that's the case then i i think that that needs to be included in the conversation because I think him giving you paying back for half of the cost of these things I don't think you're going to I think you'll feel better but I don't think you'll feel as as good as you want to feel if the issue is you're planning for all of the things and you're paying for them and now right now are you spending are you having dates like is he picking up the slack because you're starting to go and do these things alone because I think it's it's in the intention it's the actual follow-through on it and then who's paying for it it feels like it might be a lot on your plate for that but like melissa said he seems very aware of this and i

think the first time this first the first instance of this happening if you can remember how it went down that set the tone for all of it and that's not right but that's also not wrong like it's not i don't think it's him taking advantage it's just a miscommunication and i think you owe it to yourself and to him because you're just gonna stew on this to just let him know like hey so is it cool with you that i'm starting to go do these things by myself because you know it is kind of like a money suck um but i would like you to come i just don't want to i can't pay for all of these and like for him it might not be what he wants to spend his money on and that's also okay but that doesn't mean that like he's freeloading it just might not be what he wants to spend his money on

and you do and that's okay yeah as you were talking i realized i've been in a very similar situation because there is one movie theater that i only like to go to because it is clean i've seen them the way that they clean between each person and it's also just comfortable and like luxurious it's luxurious so for somebody that has uh contaminate contamination issues like i do it's like the movie theater that i prefer to go to and the customer service is just phenomenal they're so nice there they're so nice they're trader joe's level nice like they're like they have they're like union level nice so like the first couple times i was like you know this is the movie theater i like to go to i know it's more expensive so like i was just i'm inviting

this guy to go with me so i'm paying for the ticket and then like as it kept going i was like he was like i he said the same thing he was like i don't want to you know this is a lot of money and i know this is the only movie theater you like to go to but also like i uh i'm perfectly fine going to another movie theater and i was like i'm not and it was just like you know and i'm fine going to the movies by myself i actually prefer that for most things because some people like to sit and fucking analyze movies and sometimes i just like to go and have a good time even if the movie sucks so I was like yeah like it's fine you don't have to come I was just you know inviting you because that's what you do yeah I think it also depends on how much time

you're spending doing those like those that hobby activity so like if it is what takes up all of your free time if you have a certain caliber of like cost of experiences or if your hobby has a or your free time has a buy-in cost you either have to adjust that and adjust how often you're engaging in that to maintain spending quality time with whoever uh like a significant other in this case or you have to pay for them to participate if that's there if you're not willing to compromise on the other or that it's just like not the right relationship for you there yeah i just i think that's the mindset you need to go into having the conversation with and like megan said reflecting on the first time and then um yeah if you're fine going by yourself just go

by yourself but if y'all don't actually go on other dates then you got to find something else yeah and do it as soon as fucking possible because resentment for money shit will build like when Mons and I first started dating and we weren't living together I was like buying my groceries and then he was staying over at my place more and he'd pick up takeout and pick up food and like he used to make way less than he does now and I was making more money than him and I was making way more than I'm making now but like then it got to a point where like you know we're living together and like it had just gotten not like taking advantage of or malicious or anything like that it was just like oh I was doing the grocery shopping so like I was paying for it and it was

like oh yeah I forgot this thing is is different now like and it was something that like when you get into the habit of it and I remember I was just getting like so fucking annoyed and I finally like brought it up and I was like okay Megan be nice be nice and I was like music oh my god I totally even like think yeah never an issue ever again and I was like Megan you let yourself fester on this and like be upset over it and think it was like meaning something or like you know feeling very disrespectful like all of those things and I was like it wasn't any of that like it was you can look at the timeline in your head of like how this went it was just not something on the right and the second it was put on the radar genuine apology and never happened again and also you

said that sometimes you know it's always 50 50 unless someone is like going through that someone lost their job or whatever that is so everything has a season in relationships like financially and those kinds of things and if you're actively in a season that you're not wanting to be in and the season is you paying for all these tickets that is something that you actually have control of here and so like you're going to go through financial hardships eventually and job losses and bonuses good and bad things um that you have no real say in and this you do sooner the better all right uh let's take a break and we're back from our break ready to hop into the rest of the calls

hi nick and melissa i'm 25 and my pronouns are she her and the other person in the story let's call him Mike, is 27HeHim. So I've been single for a few years now, dating people off and on and using the dating app. I have a lot of experience dating and I feel like I usually see red flags fairly well. Recently I matched with Mike and we've been on a couple dates. It's obviously still very early, but so far I've been feeling like this could have potential to head in the direction of a relationship since we've gotten along really well. We seem to have similar values and I'm super attracted to him. I haven't been this excited about someone in a long time.

He seems super genuine in everything that he's told me so far. Yesterday, I posted him on one of those Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook pages and a friend of one of his exes commented. She said that Mike had dated her friend for years and that ended in him being secretive and disloyal. She also said that as far as she knows, Mike has cheated on every girl he has been in a relationship with.

Now, I don't know how to feel or what to do. Do I end things now? I think I'm struggling with this because it's all secondhand. I also know that you learn a lot dating in your early 20s, and I feel like a lot more people out there have cheated than I think will admit it. Am I just setting myself up for failure if I keep seeing him? If I do keep seeing him, are there precautions that I should take? Any advice would be much appreciated, and please give me the tough love.

this is tough this is i don't know what you expected there but there's two different things that could be happening here it's either yes he is who this friend is saying that he is because this is secondhand information that the person is getting because they dated her friend or she just hated him and wants to ruin her his life or he did that but we're all growing and evolving every single day yeah that was gonna be the next thing i said is like or he like he that could have been who he was but that doesn't mean that's who he is now so i think you know go go in it like have but the thing is like if you have that in the back of your mind but now it's naturally going to be there when you go on one of these facebook groups this is what can happen to

anyone and that's something that you're setting yourself up for and now that information is going to be in the back of your head but it's also like he could be different now he could be a great guy he could have learned from what he did and also like how many people has he dated where she's like he's dated on he's cheated on everybody it's just it's i would say continue to date him but in any relationship regardless if you post things on facebook you should always be looking out for red flags and if things are good then just let them be good and don't try to hold his past against him and he he does he can't defend himself or tell like explain you're not hearing it from him you're hearing it from someone else and i'm all for girls protecting other like girls like or

anyone protecting anyone not for men protecting other men in most cases some cases yes but i would ask yourself why you posted on there because i think that the groups existing are great i think it's a really good thing that you know women when we women come together as a collective people try so hard to stop us from coming together or regardless of who's in it if you take out cis het men everybody else like we're not encouraged to come as a collective because we're stronger as a collective so things like this I don't view as a negative at all but the outcome is the goal is like truth and the goal is honesty and it's it's not coming from nowhere it's coming from people who are posting things because they're unsure and they might be unsure in this relationship

or they've been unsure because of a last relationship and they've been burned. So why did you post it on there? Because would that have solidified, are you like stopping yourself from like really catching feelings because you're like, well, what if he's not a good guy? And were you wanting to see if someone,

if nobody said anything, it would have been a green light. And it's like, okay, cool, go. And then what if you find out something afterwards that you didn't see there? And then are you gonna feel misled? Like, it feels like you're putting a lot of power in your decision-making in other people and not recognizing that you have the power here. And if you want to date him, you should date him. If you see red flags, you see red flags.

If other people see red flags from previous him or whatever it is, that's truly none of your business unless you're seeing red flags and you need someone to corroborate to tell you, yeah, those are red flags. You are picking up on, on something. So I don't know. Cause I would feel some type of way. If the person I was dating, I found out they posted me on something like that. I would just feel like I would feel insecure and I would like second guess and doubt how I've behaved, how I've carried myself, how I've treated someone. And if then the person said to me, well, no, it's because you've been so good. I assumed that it would be bad and they're in no way am i saying women have to take ownership or should take any sort of

ownership for men treating people badly but when we chastise men for treating women well that's it plays into the nice guys finish last thing and someone who might have been working on improving themselves then is like well what the fuck is the point that like do what i mean like i just think that if you were in this position and you have to take away any of the information you know about him because you don't know if that's true so if you were in this position someone did this to you i i know for me i wouldn't feel good it would make me really insecure about how i carry myself or anything and when i've been thinking that something's been going well and i also don't think that you're going to be able to let go of this and pretend like most i said this is going

to be the back of your head for every interaction you have with him forward but i don't think it does any good to tell him that you you did this unless you are telling him like hey I crossed a boundary and I did this and I'm really not proud of it and I just don't think I'm in the right mindset to date right now like I'm gonna take a little bit of a break I really I don't like what I did I don't like that was just it wasn't me so I want to let you know that this was something that I did and this was the what this person said I have no idea if it's true or not I'm not stepping back from this because I think it's true but I I just thought that you deserve to know that people like this was being said and then take a break from it but I I do think if you can just pretend

this like never happened sure continue on dating him I think you if you're gonna do that I think the only way forward is you have to be honest because the whole thing is about it seems like he hasn't been honest and he's been unfaithful and if you're not going to be honest then he has no incentive to be honest if any of this is true because like let's say you come to him and you're like hey so I want to be transparent I have really enjoyed seeing you and I posted you on this Facebook group because I was like, this kind of feels too good to be true. And this person said something and I want to ask you about it. I want to ask you if it's true. And I could have just not said any of this and ended it, but I do really like you. And so I want to be truthful with you

that I did this. And I just want to ask what happened here. I just think it's really, really hard to get honesty and ask honesty out of someone when you haven't been honest or you've gone about it in a dishonest way like it's the same thing that we say when we're like you have full like fucking snoop through people's phones but you you can't say that you didn't do it like if you have a reason to look for something yeah i looked through your phone like and that's that's that's what it is like there is no I think there's a hierarchy of honesty and a hierarchy of lies and deceit but when you want honesty out of other people I think the best way to ensure that you get it is to be honest with other people in your life as well so this sucks and I I want to give

you like a lot of like compassion and love yourself because to me this this scream self-sabotage and this scream something I would have done so like if it's not and I'm totally projecting like feel free to ignore this. But this is so something I would have done to self-sabotage because someone was treating me well or treating me better than the last person that I dated. And so I was like, there has to be some sort of catch or I needed to find some sort of out that wasn't on me that I could blame it on something else. Or maybe it's that you had a feeling and this is exactly who he is. And I wouldn't say that you're like, oh, do I need to am i having unrealistic expectations of people i i just think that doing your due diligence

of making sure like you know i'm not saying run a full background check if if we all could that would be lovely but yeah researching the person you're going out with doing that kind of diligence on that just as typically we do as women to like do whatever we can to help our safety a little bit more but i would just i think i would just never do this again if I were you. Yeah, agree. All right, now we're going to go on to the next call. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm looking for advice on how to navigate my first healthy relationship. I'm a 23-year-old who uses she, her pronouns and this story involves my 27-year-old boyfriend who uses he, him pronouns. For context, I had my first relationship when I was 21 and 22 in college

and looking back, it was extremely unhealthy. My ex would say I love you and talk about marriage, but never asked who made me his girlfriend or made it official, and we were together for about nine months. He also never put me first over his friends, was extremely flaky, just a terrible partner. He really messed with me, made me feel worthless, and took me about a year to get over. During that year, I did a lot of self-work, finally got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which was a very affirming diagnosis, and for about the last six months, I've been on a medication regimen that's really working for me, still the most stable I've ever felt in my life. I also go to talk therapy, which is extremely helpful to me. I'm going to bring this up in my next session.

We've just been working on other things. I've been doing a lot of dating from August to December, and in December, I met my current boyfriend. It took me a while to accept his love and be able to accept this healthy relationship. I think after my ex, I'm just stunted and guarded when it comes to relationships, and I got really used to being happy on my own and alone. My current boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend very quickly, and I told him that I wanted to take it slow. We made it official about two weeks ago beginning in March but my problem is that I feel like I'm self-sabotaging the relationship. It's the most secure I've ever felt and he treats me better than I could have ever imagined but I find myself trying to find something wrong with him or

the relationship. For example, he has a lot of girlfriends and one he is very close with. He makes it very clear that it's platonic but I find myself asking tons of questions, toxic questions Like, would you sleep with her if we weren't together? Have you ever kissed her? Have you ever thought about kissing her? Do you find her pretty? I'll also make little comments like, oh, your girlfriend isn't coming out tonight, is she? And he obviously gets upset and is like, you're my girlfriend.

Don't say that about her. I'll also ask him questions like, which of my friends would you sleep with if we weren't dating? Toxic questions like that. It's hard to admit these toxic behaviors, but I want to stop doing them because I feel like it's pushing him away. I also noticed that when I don't take my medications, I ask these questions a little bit more, get more in my head. So this could be like a manic thing for me. But overall, I think I just want advice on how to let yourself be happy in a relationship. I do love him and I'm very happy, but I want myself to stay happy and I don't want to self-sabotage it anymore

because I do feel like I'm pushing him away a little bit. So I just want advice on how to be in a happy relationship after being in such an unstable one and how to ditch these toxic behaviors. Thank you so much. Love the pod. Congratulations on your diagnosis. It's always good to hear when people feel very like affirmed by those things. And like even you noticing a pattern that you tend to do it more when you haven't taken your medication and you're really self-aware of everything you're doing. There is a distinction between like one behavior that you mentioned and all of the other ones. And I think it's important to note that you asking questions to feel comfortable in a relationship based on a gut instinct or something that might feel like

a red flag or you know even just conversational things asking about if he has a girlfriend that you have kind of a vibe about asking questions about that that's okay and in sometimes we can go too far when we know that we've got toxic instincts in situations like this, that we view everything we're doing as toxic. And then suddenly we're not trusting our gut. We're not listening to ourselves. We're ignoring red flags and we're putting all of this blame and onus on us. And that's not the case. And that's not how it ever, ever should be. So it's a fine line between dancing with like, okay, these are some toxic behaviors that I'm doing that are not helpful or healthy and then what are things that are helpful and healthy for me that you know might

not be his favorite thing to like answer a certain question but at the same time if there's nothing going on there you do need to follow your gut instincts and just because there's a voice in telling you certain things like oh i'm gonna ask him this and like this is so toxic i know all of this is so toxic and i'm doing this that is not the same part of you that is asking the questions that you need to feel secure in the relationship like there's a difference between instigating something and stirring the pot on something and starting something from nowhere and asking questions about a circumstance that has been presented to you or something that you are present at or he's going to be like there is just a big difference with that so I would

you know sit with yourself and I would honestly probably write down everything like write down the things that like you're doing that you think are toxic because if someone did it to you it would feel really bad or you can recognize it in the moment or afterwards and then things that you're like you know I do think it's fair if he's like going out with people if I ask him who's gonna be there and I do think it's fair if he's like spending all this one-on-one time with like his best girlfriend and you know if we and I'm not saying this has happened but like if her and I hang out and I find that she's being very like cold and rude to me like to me that might feel like she's trying to push us apart like know that that is very different than asking him which of

your friends he would sleep with if you weren't together so you mentioned that you want to be happy and you want to stay happy and you're not gonna answer there is no one who's going to be able to answer all these questions who will quiet that anxiety or pass so you're then happy like it's not a test that he can pass or he can fail it's a test that you're doing to constantly there's going to be more questions always there's going to be something else there like it's you not letting you be happy and once you can try and recognize that if your needs are being met and if you can get through one day without asking these questions you can get through another day after that without asking those you're going to be able to actually be happy and enjoy being happy but right now

they're too intertwined you're not letting yourself have a full day without asking something like this or instigating something like this so you're trying to stop it on like the hopes of okay well we're gonna I wanted I want to be happy and I want to stay happy but you can't actually strive for a happy relationship if you haven't participated in being a part of that happy relationship. When you're splitting the days 50-50 of doing this and then trying to be happy, it's becoming a pattern. It's becoming just kind of a routine and something regular. And so giving yourself the challenge of like one day and then realizing, oh my gosh, how much nicer is this? Because the more you do these things, you're right. The more you're going to push him away.

And then the more you're going to do those things, because you're going to feel like he's getting distant. You're going to feel like he's abandoning you and you're going to keep doing it. and then it becomes this ongoing cycle. But if you can stop for a day, you can stop for two days, and you can see like, oh, there's no arguments here. There's no it's not tense. Like we're actually having a really good time. And I want to keep doing that. I want to have that. But you unless you practice that, it's really hard to make a choice to completely stop something in hopes of like a prospect of it. And who knows, he might not be the person for you. And also, you can't be happy every day and every part of a relationship isn't always going to be happy

every relationship's not going to be happy even relationships that are overwhelmingly good aren't going to be good every single day 24 hours a day and in order to get comfortable with that you have to get comfortable with the good stuff and then you have to get comfortable with the bad stuff you don't have to introduce either of those things those things will happen naturally but you have to let them and i very much understand a self-sabotage i would always rather i would always rather hurt my own feelings first and prevent somebody else from from doing that to me but at the end of the day my feelings are hurt no matter what and i can count on myself to always hurt my feelings but then there's always the what if like oh was this actually a really good thing

there because if i'm the constant i'm guaranteeing that it's going to end the same way every single time until I remove myself from being the constant and participating in that behavior so it's it's genuinely literally just practice it's one day of not doing it and maybe every single time you think of something you want to say to that write it down put it in like a notes in your phone or write it in like a journal or something and get that out somewhere else and then you have been the proof to recognize that days get better when you don't do that they don't get better when you do that and that's helpful especially if the only other relationship you've known has you know left you feeling a little bit untethered and then I would look into attachment styles

because that was really helpful for me Shan Budram she I was like talking about previous me on the podcast episode she was on and she was like oh you got to get into that like you've done a great job but I was like I just met you what do you mean and she's like no like the way you're describing yourself like that attachment style so this like that's and i think i'd said something about like oh moss is the only guy i've ever like that was like the big shift for me and she was like no no like you shifted that like that was a you thing it wasn't him it wasn't any no one else can change those attachment styles for you like you have to you let someone in because you were ready to change those things so knowing that it's not about finding someone who can pass these tests or

finding someone who you're not going to ask these questions to you're going to ask them to anyone until like you can really get to like working on healthy attachment styles and that just takes its practice like relationship stuff i always say like don't wait for the perfect relationship don't wait for the perfect circumstance because if you haven't practiced it you're going to blow it up in your face you're not going to know how to do it you're not going to know how to be in the best you're not going to be the best partner if you're waiting for the best partner for you to be the best partner too like you have to practice it like anything else okay so i let megan take that away because like again we're not professionals and we come from place of personal experience

and well i do have my own mental health issues they're not in this realm this isn't something that i experience and so i have more so questions so i think it's like it's still advice but i just have questions not specific like they are for the caller but like I'm asking Megan because you have more experience here so with her asking her partner numerous times about this one specific person about different things like have you kissed her have you thought about kissing her have you thought about having sex with her is there a way to maybe ask more just like because the caller is you know a little wary of this relationship um and i'm somebody that's you know has has some friends that um i have quite a few like guy friends um and um a few of them are

people that I have been with in the past but like I once I'm not with somebody I don't have any feelings for them anymore like if it's in those those relationships that I stay friends if I still had feelings for them I wouldn't they wouldn't be people that I was friends with and so in this situation is there a way where she can ask more if she is like if it's more like a is it jealousy or is it more of society is saying that these things can't exist and so my mind is going here yeah i do think if like the broader questions like which of my friends would you sleep with that means a very different self-sabotaging question than one that's targeted at a specific i have another question about that but yeah yeah so when it's targeted

at a specific person i think like both can be at play at the same time um but i think the biggest difference with like and you've said this so many times like you're not you don't if anything at this point you're closer with most of the significant others than you know the people that you have previously dated whatever so like the thing is like if this caller has met this girl and that's what these vibes are are happening and that's what this is like stemming from of that i think like if they hooked up if whatever it is it's not even just about how he views her but also about how the friend views him and how the friend views her and like views their relationship so i think like asking like a just having a serious question joking about like oh is your girlfriend

that's like super not okay because it also doesn't help you if there was something going on there because you're making a joke of it then he can make a joke of it now imagine he makes a joke oh my other girlfriend's there that's not okay for him to make and when you invite those kinds of comments then it makes it seem like oh it's okay because we're just joking so like I think it's like a serious conversation you have where it's like hey I want to like ask about this like friendship like have you I know I've like brought it up in the past in like a toxic way but I do want to know and I just have been communicating it poorly like about this relationship and I think if you meet her you should know relatively quickly if this is a person that you trust and if you see

how they interact with each other and you trust like them like I've been introduced as this is my best girlfriend to people significant others and I've gotten along incredibly well with some and I've had others who just did not no matter how much I tried didn't like me and that was also like okay and I was like you know what that's really fine and I say this with love it wasn't a me thing it was a them thing they were really insecure in their relationship and and that's like kind of part of it i'm like if you can't because like my dad's best friend is a woman and has been since he they were like kids and like her and my mom get along just fine like in the beginning she did have questions but like they've been together the questions were answered yeah the questions

were answered there was never anything between them nothing ever happened they're just friends that woman has that woman my i call her my aunt she's megan it's my sister megan is named after her they have she has her um middle name but like I it's like odd to me that like you should be friends with her it's kind of like a red flag to me if you're not able to be friends with her then that means that somewhere there is something that is off because like even one of my um somebody that I used to date like his partner had like we were on vacation together like and she like made a joke that like his two best girls were there with him like that and it was and it wasn't anything weird it was just like it's the truth like we're friends and then but that's her partner

like it's not anything that's weird and so I just it like if y'all aren't friends then that it's just there's just something off about that and that's not a you like that's that's and that's the part where I'm like that's not you being toxic like that's the part that I'm like listen to that voice if he doesn't want you to hang out with her if he keeps like if he really separates those relationships like literally like my guy friends would be like very early on before they're even official with dating a dating girl who they really liked they would be like I want you to meet her I want to you know get ahead of having one of my best friends who's a girl and getting along and I want to see if you guys vibe like I want to see them with people who I care about and that's

what's encouraged and then there's also a level of and like you know this more than any but like there's a level of respect that comes from as the person who's in the relationship like you should really like it's it's not your responsibility it's it's it's the girl it's the girlfriend's responsibility to go girl best friends go out of her way to make sure that like they're not crossing any boundaries not overstepping and then it's the fucking it's your boyfriend's that's it's his responsibility to like make sure that this is not a sore spot or there's anything going on here that could raise any red flags like he they're both of them need to orchestrate it being healthy and then you are an active participant in that but if you're having to seek you're having to do

the legwork to even get those meetings that's a huge red like it was when they started dating he immediately was like y'all need to meet y'all need to be friends like that was it and it was nothing weird after that whenever and I've said this before whenever I text about all of us doing something I make sure that like she is on it's all three of us or I just text her I'm never doing anything that would ever be misconstrued in a weird way yeah and it's not hard and that doesn't That doesn't limit your friendship or anything like that. And so the idea that friendships in that sense, like, oh, we need to keep things private.

Why? Why do you need to, like, what's, what would you, secrets are things we keep private like that. What is that? So yeah, no, I think there's a very healthy way to ask these questions. But I think the issue is right now, like you're thinking everything that you're doing

is toxic and that this is a you problem. So then when you make jokes, like, oh, your girlfriend, like that's because like oh this is a me problem I'm down I'm I'm trying to downplay like my problem with what I'm doing and like that to me I don't know if you feel the same way but of all these things like that one thing is not like the other that is nothing like the rest of the stuff yeah and then the generalization of like just asking about anybody like with that I don't even I'm trying to think of the right way to say it so I'll just say what I'm thinking but please do not take this negatively. I'm just curious. But like, how do you stop having generalized questions about

everyone? I mean, it's a security in your relationship, but it's also a security like in yourself. So to me, that question is, do you feel like when you would go out to bars with your friends, like certain friends would get hit on more? Like, do you feel like you had that one friend who got far more male attention like I grew when I grew up like I um I'm one of my friends Ivy she hates when I talk about it um I was like Ivy was like perfect at everything absolutely gorgeous like can do anything like first time she tries something she's fantastic at it like she just has that draw and so I was like the best friend and all these boys really liked her and then either their best friend who like was not as cute would be like oh okay I guess

I'll go with Megan or if like Ivy rejected them and so there was that kind of like oh are you only liking me because you didn't see the other like the other person there and I was lucky that that stage in my life lasted what middle school to like maybe beginning of like early high school but it wasn't a large part of my life but for some people it is that and like we just grew up in a really small area and then going to bigger schools and bigger schools it widens that pool for you and so you're able to like meet more people but I like literally went out of my way to like date guys from other schools who like didn't know everyone I like because you know if I'm comparing myself to people I'm like why we want to meet someone who doesn't know like whatever

it is like doesn't even know or comparing it to who I was a couple years ago or things like that And so that is something that like, it's not healthy for your friends either. And I think if you can try and think about it in the sense that like, it's just really inappropriate to put your friends in that position. If he did answer like, imagine like, oh, I would probably have to say like, I'd sleep with this person. And then your friend eventually finds out and they're like, I'm sorry, why did your boyfriend say that if he was like that? It just is it puts everybody in a really, really bad spot. When you're asking general questions like that, the way to stop it is knowing that there's no right answer. There's only bad answers. And those answers aren't good for you. They're not good for anyone. And if you're curious what someone's type is, there's a difference between being curious because you want to get to know your partner and then comparing yourself to everybody else. and if you're doing that you're always gonna lose because it's not fun for anyone to participate in that but it's just like you just have to like stop you what i mean like it's it's a habit it's

like it's i don't want to call it a compulsion because it's not but it's like it's a reflex when this is like when you verbalize your insecurity so much but you are in a relationship with someone you project them like really fucking quickly and like you just have to stop throwing that ball like you just have to stop and once you realize that you can stop doing that it gets easier and easier and easier to do that but it's just like you're trying it's trying to get your own feelings hurt because there's no right answer and then if you decline to answer then that's also the wrong answer you know what I mean like it's it lets your mind keep going and going and going and going and I think it's good that she's going to talk to her therapist about it but it's hard

Yeah, I think talking to the therapist about it is golden. But also my other question is having a conversation with the boyfriend, like a very specific conversation. Like, I say these things, but I don't actually mean them. Or I don't know, she might actually does mean them, but like, please don't hold it against me. Is that a conversation that can happen? Because I'm sure if you're being asked these questions over and over again, that at some point it just might be too much. And it's like, you don't trust me. You don't have any faith in me. So why am I here? Yeah, no, that's a good point.

I obviously can't relate on the bipolar thing, but because you specifically used the term like affirming I'm going to assume hopefully that whoever diagnosed you that was a positive experience for you and it wasn't a lot of shame in said diagnosis or that it was bad or anything like that you need if you want to have a future with him like you have to include your boyfriend in on this stuff because yeah some of these things you might not mean absolutely anything by it. And especially if you're noticing the change in your behavior, like bipolar affects your behavior. And so many things affect your behavior. ADHD affects my behavior, like anxiety affects my behavior, depression. And when your partner can understand that there are ebbs and flows,

especially, I don't know if you're diagnosed with bipolar one, bipolar two, if you're having more and longer manic episodes if you're having more or longer depressive episodes it's important to you know apologize if something you're saying is not coming from a place that you stand by whether a week later or a day later or something and you're realizing it was a lot of affected by your mental health state at that point but both parties have to be educated about it because it's also not okay for him to then assume everything you're doing is because you're bipolar or not believing that that's why you did it and reading more into that like it has to be a collaborative kind of process and understanding and that is from a serious conversation you have when you're

feeling up to it like mentally and you feel like you're in a state that it's going to be productive and yeah i would recommend your mom and dad it's jess and evan ambrose's podcast jess uh was a part of chatty broads and they have a lot of episodes on chatty broads and they're still available jess is bipolar and she talks a lot about like her relationship and um their marriage and like him supporting her through these certain things and they've been together for a really long time and she didn't get her bipolar diagnosis until her 20s and was taught how like a lot of things made sense but that you know it's still a lot of tools to figure out and how these things work so i think seeking out that kind of stuff is is good but he also needs to be included

in these kinds of conversations because i i think that there's a likelihood that a lot of this is coming from a shitty relationship but a lot of it might be a shitty relationship and then your mind this is how you're verbalizing it and not meaning it and then knowing that like yeah sometimes if i get overstimulated i'll snap at moths and like he'll know and i will apologize afterwards and like i'm out of the moment and it's like i'm a quick apology and you know and like they're not holding things against each other but if you don't clue people in it can feel really personal yeah do you think him maybe um coming to a session of therapy with her would also help i don't think that if the therapist thinks that that's a good idea i don't think

it would hurt. I do think it really depends on where you're at in your therapy slash mental health journey. Like I think if your bipolar diagnosis is relatively recent, but you've been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, and you've, you've had a lot of therapy before, and it's not so you're in the stage of like maintenance or coping or learning about a new diagnosis, but you're not in the my therapist refers to it as like the open wound raw stage of therapy. That's like not that's not a place where like it's can be effective to have someone else there so i think if you are if if your therapist thinks it's a good call and this is something that you have gotten comfortable with i think it's good like i i think for certain things learning about a

diagnosis like hand in hand with a partner like cancer like going through things and learning about things first time together that i have obviously have zero issue with i do think if You are learning about your entire mental health history and bipolar and everything right now for the first time, including him in to that. Like he hasn't, nobody needs to be there, but you, like you don't need to create a support system of people who might not stay. And especially when you're in the spot of like self-work and that, if you're really in the thick of it, you don't want to tie him to like the same way you don't want to

tie someone to sobriety or tie someone to like attach them to your sobriety or attach them to your recovery that I would say I'm trying to think of anyone else who makes content Mary Skinner on TikTok she talks a lot about um her bipolar diagnosis um she also recently got diagnosed with OCD and so that's something that she's talking about but I think she honestly started her I came in on her TikTok after she had been diagnosed with bipolar but I think it was like pretty early on in her tiktok that like she kind of documented through all of this and she's engaged she talks about like her relationship with her fiance that way and yeah i think there's a lot of other like content to consume about people in relationships navigating that sort of

thing and i don't i don't want to say this in like a coddling way or like an infantilizing kind of way, but like, I just want to give you like so much love because this is, you're so aware of what you're doing and you really don't want to do it and you don't have to do it. And that's like the good thing about it. Like it's hard because it's in your control, but it's easier because it's in your control and you're the only one who can change it. And maybe you don't do it tomorrow. Maybe you just think about it and you get closer and you get closer to stopping doing these things and you get closer and you practice this and it's gonna get a lot easier right now this is second nature but the more practice you put in the the the healthy communication styles

will become more second nature and then outbursts like this where of these things like you'll be able to see them a little bit more clearly for what they are which is like oh this is toxic and I don't need to participate in this I can talk about other things like I can I can feel validated in other ways because all of this is like you asking for him to pick you and you're asking for him to validate you and tell you that he cares about you and you can also just ask that like Mats and I literally say like do you love me 10,000 times a day but not in like a oh like do you not love me anymore it's just like you know put on a funny voice and it's like do you still and it's fun and it's like it's sweet and it's innocent and it's a way though that you're still

getting that validation in a healthy way and you're just asking for it and there's nothing wrong with asking for that validation and it's far worse to ask for the validation in the form of like a hypothetical because you don't know how that person's going to answer because they might not know that that's what you're asking and then it suddenly is like oh well they didn't answer it in a way that proves that they like me. They don't like me. And it's like, you didn't ask them if they liked you. You didn't ask them if they still feel that way about you. And modeling that behavior, like telling the person, like telling him like how much you like him, telling him those nice things, like that should be reciprocated in that sense. So I think that

you're taking all of like the right steps and acknowledging that this is an issue and like in therapy so it's just like the beginning of a healthy relationship journey whether it's with him or not but i think like the first healthy relationship you have to have is with like yourself and i think you're taking the right steps to get there cool that is gonna be it for our episode we hope you all enjoyed if you did and you feel so compelled leave a review spotify apple podcasts on spotify they now have a thing it's like hold on let me look at it to see exactly what it is but we can like pose questions for the episodes but also what the the default like says something like what'd you think of this episode or something like specific episode and

you can ask specific questions for the episode so i think that's pretty cool that's i could see it Yeah, maybe we participate in that. So, for example, on the Jesse Smiles episode that we replayed a couple weeks ago, the default question says, what do you think about this episode? And K-H-U-S-H-I said, funny as fuck. So. I agree. Wait, that's so fun.

Can we pick our own or do they just like automatically aggregate it? um somebody also said uh megan my girl this is from a different this is from a uh see you next tuesday episode from a few weeks ago i don't know what this was in response to but it said megan my girl get you a percolator easy and oh it's for your coffee get you a percolator easy and delicious as hell uh-huh for when you were talking about that sounds like like a calculator when you're talking about uh your espresso oh yeah one of those fancy things it's very bon appetit it's very uh rich mom in brooklyn yeah nice well that is going to be it for our episode we have a whole slate of content for the rest of the week for you tomorrow you can

listen to our see you next tuesday where we catch up on our week if you want to know our weekends Melissa just rubs it in my face how fantastic her morning Tuesday was we had very different Tuesdays very different experiences very very different one of us is living the rich auntie lifestyle the other was living the chaotic chaotic is there Santa is there a Santa on the premise and then we have what am I wrong on Thursday and then we have our fisting Friday reading the results from last week's episode of but am i wrong yeah and as always you can join our patreon if you want to watch the video versions of the podcast see the facial reactions they're really really good you're gonna need to watch the video of but am i wrong this week

i cried i laughed so hard like legitimate tears my makeup has looked different since we recorded that i don't know the last time i laughed that fucking hard and it's it's great so follow the Instagram also so you can stay up to date with voting for that. And thanks for being here, everybody. Thank you very much. I'll see you next time. Goodbye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.