Don't Blame Me! - Being A Bad Friend

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Going away with a friend Manipulative Sister Friends ending your relationship Supporting your friend Friend's boyfriend belittles others Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody welcome to another episode of don't blame me where we megan and melissa give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and you will be like how did i live my life before their sage wisdom entered into my orbit and to that i say recklessly i'm probably not that well have you been have you been watching hold on what's her name do do do do do that's definitely copyrighted i mean you weren't hitting the right notes so i don't think that i think you were fine it wasn't slander you were trying to do the jeopardy thing right no i know i was saying you saying i wasn't hitting the right notes with slander i know and i'm saying that it's not when i'm just letting you know that it was wrong it's true it's true it's true grace shonda

lockhart r-a-y shonda r-a-e r-a-s-h-a-n-d-a well she has these videos where she sits down and she has like this uh board that she put up where she she'll sit down and say something like you may not be in the nba but you stay dunking on us and to that i say thank you and you just said to that i say so i was like did you get that from her no we're just kindred spirits in this yeah you're both leos you're oh yeah i love it i'm i'm in good company anyway well so what is this show megan this show is an advice show where you our dear listeners call in with the the problems happening in your life. And you reach out to us, two people who are incredibly wisdomous, intelligent, smart. Wisdomous. Exactly. Exactly. Wise. Yeah, I guess you could.

Some might say it's wise. And we give you life changing advice. And if it changes your life for the better, wonderful. And if it changes your life for the worse, sometimes that could be wonderful. but also you can't blame us because that's in the title of the show it is don't blame me technically it's us at this point so yeah but depending on what each of us say exactly we're not we don't we're not always aligned we're aligned about 90 percent of the time yeah probably higher than that but probably who's counting so how do people participate that is a really good question i'm glad you brought that up you can call in and leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you have three minutes

start the clocks three minutes and so you don't get stressed out which you still might get stressed out we recommend and kind of demand you to practice pull out a timer on your phone and write everything down that you want to say all the important details you have to be 18 or over so you know include your age if it's about a relationship include the other person's age how long you've been together or friendship or whatever it is give us the important juicy deets that we would need to give you the most accurate advice so the better the information the better the call the better the advice that we can give and then record it just read it out loud perform it and then you might hear your voice on this podcast and let us know if you're sensitive

and also um remember the timer does not start into the beat you have time you have a little bit more time than you think you do the party don't count until i walk in exactly wait for the bass drop and that's when the timer starts now we're gonna go into an update hi megan and melissa i'm calling in to give an update for the april 10th episode titled Is This Racist? I was the first caller asking for advice on an upcoming trip with my friend who I suspected had an alcohol problem. First, I hope it boosts your egos to know that my therapist gave me nearly the exact same advice. But unfortunately, the trip went very poorly. You were correct in assuming that Amy was downplaying the severity of her condition. Madison and I found out the week

of the trip that Amy was not only heavily drinking, but she had also been using cocaine daily and she had not been taking her bipolar medication, although I assume it wouldn't have been effective anyway. We found all of this information out when Amy was escorted by police to a medical center after an event-filled night where Amy had been kicked out of a restaurant for accidentally assaulting a server in an attempt to actually assault her ex's new partner, wrecking her vehicle and then miraculously making it home only to have the cops called on her after a verbal altercation led to two of her relatives jumping her and fracturing her facial bones. She was placed on hold and was released to us because she couldn't go home due to a

protection order being filed due to the relatives involved being minors. She was released the day before we were scheduled to leave for the concert. We considered not going at all, but every medical professional we spoke to advised us to go so that we remained consistent in her plans and so that there would not be any shame centered around her feeling as if her condition was not allowing us to go. So we went. Before we left, Amy verbalized that she wanted to go to rehab when we returned. Madison and I took this as her wanting us to keep her accountable, and we tried, but by day two of the trip, Amy became very resentful towards us. We had a very bad night before the concert. I don't have time to share

everything, but to summarize, despite different strategies and many attempts to keep Amy sober that night, she became verbally abusive, found someone where we were staying that provided her with both alcohol and cocaine, and didn't return to our shared room until 4 a.m. It was a very bad night, but the rest of the trip went fine, and it seemed that we were back on track to follow her plan of going to rehab when we returned. However, when we got back after I had to drive hours back home, I received many messages from Amy saying very hateful things, and then she blocked us both. So, yeah, that is the update. I can tell you that she has not gone to rehab.

I've gone through every emotion you can, including none, but I'm still worried about her, and I feel guilty about not trying to get in contact with her, not doing more, despite her blocking me being a pretty clear indication that she doesn't want me involved. I don't have to be her friend anymore if that's what she wants. Even if she wants a different lifestyle than me, this is dangerous behavior, and I hope that she gets help. I'm not sure what to do. i feel for anyone going through anything similar on either side so yeah that's that's it i'm sorry why are you apologizing to us oh yeah but wait why did she get jumped i don't know i don't know

because it was there was a lot going on that night so she tried to jump her ex's new partner and then accidentally hit the server that was there and then her underage relatives jumped her and broke her bone in her face like what happened like how did that she must have done something i mean i i just i yeah that makes me wonder about the lack of support from family if i can't imagine anyone an adult letting their kid do you what i mean like that's so i mean that seems to me like kids out on their own doing something but it could have been something where they're like 17 and they were at home and then she came in acting erratically okay in my mind they came to the restaurant no she they said they

said that the caller said that she drove home or something she drove there was some driving in between there oh yeah yeah yeah you're right you're right you're right you're right and i'm also like i would never ever encourage someone to be like like a 51 50s traumatizing for the person who it happens to and like the people in their life and it can do a lot more harm than good um and it seems like she's like medical professionals and like a therapy and all of that kind of stuff but i know a lot i know adults and like parents like when stick your kids an adult there's only so much you can do and only so much leverage that you have but for so much of it to be put on friends of like continue going to this con like and i don't doubt that but like the fact that that was

a lot the medical like professionals would then tell the friends that like this is what you should you should do like to me that sounds like something a parent would say like are we talk to the like the fact that you're in contact with these there which is again fine and i think like if friends want to have support from have their friends like help them and know what they're going through and be a part of communications with their team but that to me is just a you have to put your again put your mask on before assisting someone else and like that puts you guys in in a situation where like you could have been in physical harm and like you also can't really protect that person like you're supposed to have things remaining normal and it's like well right now like the

normal that we're experiencing is like so chaotic and like really hard for all of us especially when you're leaving the place that you are like you went on a trip and stayed in a hotel and going to a festival where there's a lot of drugs and alcohol like you know there's gonna be and if you lost her and then she found and she found it easily yeah but i even mean that like if you're in your hometown and like you're staying at your apartment in your home and stuff like if you go missing it's there are places we're immediately going to check we're familiar with the location and all of that it just seems like that's such like a high anxiety time from the time that you got there this is really rough and I'm sorry that this ended up being you were

stressed out and overwhelmed before all of this and it ended up being a lot worse than anticipated you're in I'm pretty sure they're in their 20s right like early yeah I'm not bipolar but I have like friends and family members who are bipolar or have also other mental health things that personality stuff that doesn't happen until your 20s, like or things that are like onset or diagnosis or treatment plans and things like that. And one of the biggest things that I think is so hard is you can't really be diagnosed with certain personality and behavioral diagnoses until you're over the age of 18 and that can be really beneficial and i think there's a lot of good reasons why that's there because adolescents like we shouldn't just be taking typical adolescent

emotions as issues and then being like okay this is a diagnostic criteria now we're medicating you But there's a lot of, it's a long learning curve of like medicating and the dosage and all of those things. And then to have it thrust upon someone who is not, doesn't have parents involved. This is how we end up getting really, I think, like unjust conservatorship. And it's really hard. and i there's a lot of content creators on tiktok and podcasters and people who have talked about like having bipolar and that their early 20s is a time of like figuring a lot of figuring stuff out so i don't think that you saying that like you wish there was like more you you could do the you can only help someone as much as they allow that and right and especially if they're blocking you yeah there's really not much else you can do yeah and I think just knowing that you like care and caring from a distance even if you're not able to like verbally tell someone that when someone

else blocks you they can at least for me in that instance like when I remove someone else from my life like I don't think that that means that that person doesn't care about me anymore and so they've taken those actions and so caring and like wanting the best from for someone from afar is not nothing like that's a that's a good thing to do and keeping your peace and knowing that this kind of stuff is an ebb and flow and that hopefully she will get the help that she needs but there's nothing you can really do which is a really unfortunate position to be in right that's really really rough and I think you and your other friend need you need a vacation like you need like a spa weekend away the two like you know something to decompress because spending that

much spending money you know I mean like on a trip like there's all the pressure for it to be fun and then knowing going into it like I don't think this is going to be good and then it being worse than you think it's even going to be is such a disappointment so if it's possible to take another trip when you can save up money yeah just something for y'all you two to do together because you unfortunately are trauma bonded through this so all right well we're gonna take a break all right well we're back from our break and let's get into the first call hey megan and melissa i'm 22 female i'm having problems with my 19 year old female sister she used to live in my boyfriend's mom's house with me and his younger brothers

throughout that time she burned bridges with all the other people in this house due to her actions we've also had many fights over the last couple years some ending in us not talking for a while but we always had to make up due to us both working for my dad part-time. My question is, how do I rebuild my relationship with her when she's done so many things to hurt me? My mother was very narcissistic, and that caused a lot of long-lasting trauma for me. Lately, she's been showing some of the same behavior

that my mother used to do to manipulate us. Being super nice to the point where it seems fake, but then if I said no to her about some things she'd do in 180 and be super mean. She'll try to make me feel bad about hanging out with my boyfriend, even though he travels for work, so I like to spend as much time with him as I can when he's home. She asked me to buy stuff for her and guilt-tripped me if I say no or if I can't. If we make tentative plans and then something comes up and I have to cancel or reschedule,

she acts like I hate her and don't want to spend any time with her at all. Another thing that really made me mad is my boyfriend was addicted to painkillers for eight years, but got clean and stayed clean when we started dating. During our last fight, she called him an addict. It really hurt my feelings because she's always hung out with us and seemed to get along super well with him. And to just reduce a whole person down to that word is just so low. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't let people in my life treat me this way,

and it seems like a cop-out that I should just let it go because it's my sister. I love her, but at the end of the day, I'm trying to start my career and build a life with my partner, so what am I supposed to do? I'm no contact with my mom for the same reason of the guilt-tripping and constant rollercoaster of us being okay and not being okay just when it's convenient for her. I love you guys on the podcast so much,

and I've called in once before, but it didn't get aired, so i really hope you guys can give me some advice thank you do you feel like this is the other point of view from the other girl who called in who wanted a relationship with her older sister but her older sister had a poor relationship with her mother could be because i'm just saying the age difference that dad would check out of both of them like listening to the podcast um so even if that's not but they didn't live together oh that's true i was gonna say even that that's not like that's not the same people but I would also listen to that call from kind of like the other perspective like we were essentially in that call giving someone who would have been your sister in

this situation the advice on her wanting to mend that relationship you know I think like wanting to have a relationship with someone is really different than taking the relationship that you can have with that person so I think like the in theory the idea of having a relationship with your sister and to me and to you the all of these behaviors are like very clearly wrong and like obvious and like not okay and so to assume assumedly like that she should just stop these and then you could have like a good relationship there but unless she wants to do that she's not like going to like she has to take that incentive and we can have an idea of what we want these relationships to look like and how when you do get along and how everything's great and you're

like i wish i could just be like this all the time um but people aren't one-dimensional like that like all the good parts you see of someone are just as i mean maybe not just as prevalent all the time but they're just as legitimate as all the bad parts of them and that relationship and it's hard to take both and I think with any relationship we take the good and the bad with everyone but sometimes like the bad is like really fucking bad and it's not worth it for someone who's not trying to work on that behavior and at 19 I think I don't think that right now you have to decide am I never gonna have a relationship with my sister again at 22 and 19 it can be like you know what this is what i need from you i really don't like these behaviors like it's

really not okay with me like i don't tolerate this these are my boundaries and if she can't meet you there then it's a step back but that's the thing with like family is it doesn't have to be definitive and and always constant a forever sort of thing but i think if you push a relationship and you just let her continue to hurt you and hurt you and hurt you and you resent her more and more and more you're going to explode and then that will create a larger bridge i mean not bridge it'll create like a a larger issue between the two of you and more space and distance between the two of you yeah i agree with everything megan said and then also why why do you want slash need to have a relationship with her because you said that like you have you cut your your no

contact with your mom for the same reasons that your sister's acting and it's and you say you shouldn't want to have a relationship with her just because she's your sister I would ask myself this like why is this important to me is it because y'all work together and you're like I have we need to have a relationship because we see each other every day or is it more so like I I feel like I need to have a relationship with her because she's my sister and I do love her but despite loving her like this is just tumultuous so i just think that the biggest question to ask is why and if you go no no contact with her for a minute you know you can be cordial at work but then when you like that's it like y'all have like a cordial relationship with work what does that

look like yeah yeah because when people are so close to us they we're giving them the ability to hurt us even further and you can create boundaries and still have a relationship with someone and that's yeah cordial professional surface level and you they just the other side just has to respect those boundaries and in a workplace that actually is a lot better of a place to establish right boundaries because someone you do have another you have a bigger thing you have to adhere to which is like your work and the job that you have to do but yeah that's it's unfortunate and not all narcissists come out of nowhere so like there can be a thing of like you know there are horrible people who then raise shitty people who then raise shitty

people who then raise you like it's that's like the cycle of abuse there and so i think you recognizing some seeing some things in your mom that you're seeing in your sister that might not be who she is like she might not be destined to become exactly like your mom but it's going to trigger you in that same way and that's not uh beneficial for for you nor if you want to have a relationship with her moving forward like if someone's reminding you of someone who like has treated you horribly that you literally went no contact with that's like okay I immediately need some distance here because otherwise the way I deal with these relationships is no contact and like if you don't want to get there at this point you have to set up boundaries that are kind of

like yellow cones to like small things of like I don't want to get there yet so I would like to set up these things beforehand so i don't just wait for it to eventually blow up right right and it doesn't your relationship with her doesn't have to necessarily look like like what an ideal sister relationship look like looks like it could be you know we work together and i will can do and let her in for x y and z but she can't be a part of this part of my life yeah all right next call yes hi melissa and megan i just called because i thought i ran out of time but i actually didn't so i'm calling again i'm looking for some advice on dealing with a friendship breakup involving a friend group the people involved are me mary nina and emma and we are all women in our late 20s

slash early 30s who she her pronouns those are fake names about two months ago mary initiated a friend breakup by telling me that she thinks i'm a bad friend and doesn't want to be friends anymore this came incredibly out of the blue as i have literally just gotten home from being with her at Emma's wedding dress fitting when she called me. I was very hurt as she said she had been feeling this for multiple years yet she had never said anything before so I had no idea she was feeling that way. We had never even had a serious fight before this. The examples she gave for why I'm a bad friend are just untrue in my opinion and upon reflection might have been her projecting a bit. I would have loved to talk it out but Mary made it clear she did not want to

be friends anymore so I have not talked to her since and will not be reaching out. This calls more for advice on the aftermath. During the call Mary said that she was quote unquote not the only person who felt that way. Emma and Nina are our only mutual friends and I have a pretty sneaking suspicion that Nina was actually next to Mary during this phone call as Mary and Nina left the bridal shop together. Also during the dress fitting they both were acting weird and I felt like the vibes were off. In the moment I chalked it up to my anxiety but obviously after the call it seems like Nina knew about Mary's plan. I wasn't sure whether I should reach out to Emma or Nina as I feel like they were more marriage friends than mine as I met them through Mary and I wasn't as

close with them. Right after this happened, I lost my job and started dealing with worsening health issues, so I didn't reach out to either of them for a month. Neither of them had reached out to me either, but I knew Emma was moving out of state and she seemed to be the person most removed from the situation, so I did reach out to her to wish her luck on her move and ask to see her before she left. She said that she was actually sick but otherwise would have loved to meet up. I didn't bring up Mary, so I had no idea she was actually sick or just avoiding me because of Mary. As a cherry on top, we had all already made plans and bought tickets to see a concert together in a few months. These concert tickets were very hard to get, and I did all the planning and coordination

to get them in the first place. Now we're all seated together, and I know it's going to be awkward, at least for me. If they're all friends, then I will just be the odd one out, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Selling mine for another seat isn't really an option, as I would be paying at least double, which I can't really afford. Also, it feels really unfair that I'd be the one to do all this maneuvering when I get all the work for this concert in the first place. should I try to reach out again? Should I just give up and not go? I'm not sure. Also, I would love some advice on how do I move forward in friendships. This situation with Mary has really made me second guess all my interactions. Like I feel like maybe I'm secretly interacting in

social settings badly or something for other people to feel like I'm a bad friend or like bad in social situations because I really didn't see what happened with Mary coming. So I would just like some advice on that or any thoughts thanks guys I think I really am out of time bye if these are Taylor Swift tickets you go you go if these are Taylor Swift tickets unless you don't I was no no I was about to say if they're I was like if they're Taylor Swift tickets and you love Taylor Swift you go if they're Beyonce tickets and you love Beyonce say you go if you have any ounce of pettiness in you and you know that you'll still have a good time even if you're not like the biggest fan but you're like they they are gonna want me to like

not go and like I want to be able to like fucking stick it to them then go if you are lukewarm on either of those artists and or you know that you will have an absolutely miserable time sell those tickets sell your ticket and like get money from it but don't let them stand in the way from that this is difficult yeah this is hard i guess my first question would be like you said that the examples that mary gave didn't really hold any merit to you and felt like a little bit like she was projecting i would ask yourself like do you have issues with these friends like have you do you have can you see their faults like do you see the things that you don't like about them because yes I would feel the exact same way like second guessing like all of my actions but for the

people who like they've ended a friendship with with with me I once once I like got over the whole like wow I'm like so blindsided and like up and upset I started to like kind of look and I'm like okay i really don't like a lot of things about these people and so them not liking me also would make sense because we don't fucking mesh but it can be a lot of circumstance friendships and i find this happens a lot with like roommates where you have kind of taken their fault and the things you don't like about them as just like a whatever not that big of a deal to me i can kind of look past it but then when other people can't do that to you it can feel like oh god like this is like the biggest betrayal ever and like they were i like loved them they're like such great people

and all of that and you start to romanticize them so i would first like ask yourself like what are their faults like what things do you not like about them as people because i'm going to tell you right now calling someone after you literally just saw them at a wedding dress fitting which i'm assuming that means you're both going to be attending this person's wedding and then calling you bridesmaids yeah and then calling you while you have a pretty clear indication that someone else is also there to me i'm like that's not a good that's not a good thing to do like that's not something that emotionally regulated and well-adjusted people do when they would like to end a friendship and that's something from someone who like

ghosts like that's like i'm saying that like that's not okay so to me that's like a red flag in a person there but i do think that there are things that like i've looked on with like friendships have ended where i'm like yeah the other people were without a doubt the majority at fault there but i'm still gonna learn from things of like that i did that i wish i had like handled differently but i think the fact that they don't even want to talk to you i just don't believe that there's that you did something so absolutely horrific that they're like i can't even speak to you like I'm going like completely no con and you would have no idea do you what I mean like that to me just doesn't add up like I think when you go I'm not even going to tell that

like I'm not going to really I'm not going to like give an opportunity to like kind of grow from this or like anything it's going to be no warning it's gonna be all of that to me is usually like an event occurred or something happened that was awful and there's no coming back from it it's irredeemable. And you would know, do you know what I mean? Like you would have known that that had happened. I don't know. And I'm, and the reason I say this is because listen later this week too, but, uh, am I wrong? Because I actually am going to talk about a situation, but it's very similar to this where, um, about ending a friendship, but I found it interesting that you the caller you said that I'm not even specifically close to like

after all this has happened you're like well I'm not even that close to her I'm I don't I'm not she's not really somebody that I'm closer to the other people than I am than with her so is she even actually like your friend and I would love I this is one thing is like I would love to have specific examples so that we can hear like what you don't think it's a big deal and you feel like she's projecting but to her it was a big deal or else she wouldn't have been ending the friendship so like what what was it what was it because i've got specific examples that i'll be sharing later um on thursday but like and if if you weren't really that close to her anyway and you're and you didn't really, you were like, she's kind of like Megan said, was she just like a friend of

circumstance and she was just there and maybe she saw you as more, or are you just saying that now because she's ended the friendship? So I have open-ended questions. As far as the concert, I say go. You coordinated all this. You put in your time and effort. You wouldn't have put in time and effort if it wasn't something that you wouldn't have wanted to go to. So I say go, enjoy the artists you don't like if you're having a great time at a concert really who you're with doesn't really matter unless they're just being an asshole towards you but if you just go to enjoy yourself and just hi hello that's it then just go yeah so i would say like if you know you're gonna have an absolutely horrible time and like your gut is telling you don't go don't go

because like that was like my junior prom my date got expelled like the weekend before prom or suspended and I was like I don't want to go like this is going to be this is going to really suck because it'll be horrible and everybody like can they're like no like come on you're going to regret it and I was miserable and I knew I was going to be miserable and because I went in with that like I knew I was going to be miserable I was listening to other people but I wasn't actually taking it in so going and thinking that like you have to do the work to know that you're going to enjoy it beforehand and what I would do is I would get there early as fuck and I would talk to the people on the other side of you and like be on the end talk to the people on the other

side of you or behind you in front of you like hey heads up like i bought these tickets months ago and i like with a group of friends like i'm not friends with them anymore and like i just like want to know if i can like vibe out with you guys for like a bit and like i won't like impede on your space or anything like that but like i just and if someone said that to me at a concert or like a big a sports game i would be like my god without a doubt i will talk to you or you know like just suss out the vibe and like make sure that like you know that you have like a friendly face and someone you can like turn and be like oh my god i love this song so i think especially if that's a beyonce or taylor swift concert like you are going to find fans who are wanting to share

the experience of seeing their favorite performer live like it's a fan it's a it's a really it's a fan fan experience um so i'm hoping it's not something where you're just you know sitting in chairs and it's and it's not bad and like no but i mean you guys have no one's talking to there you don't have to talk to them either but yeah that's a good point that the examples would would be helpful because it could have yeah it could be something that is bigger and that maybe you didn't pick up that they wanted you to like adjust the behavior but I guess my question would be to all of it like why would you be invited to go try on wedding dresses you know like that felt like time like it felt like really mean specific timing unless the event that occurred happened

when you were trying on wedding dresses which could have been yeah it's like but we don't know we can only go off what we don't what we know yeah it's confusing so it's rough but i would say the moving forward with it i think not reaching out it is a totally valid thing but i also think if you need some like more clarity or you are like really like I'm just second guessing all of my actions and like if there are parts of you that are like no this might this doesn't feel totally out of the blue and like they were really like good nice people and this felt very out of character for them and I've known them for like a long I I think like it's uncomfortable but to follow up and like text them and just be like hey you don't have to respond to this but like I've been doing a lot of

like reflecting and i really feel like i'm i i'm like missing some things that in how this friendship like ended in some of those actions like if you could like send me any additional like moments or instances that like stuff happened or went down they might not respond to that but i think the moving on from this and like the second guessing all of your actions and like how you behave in social situations that's something that happens a lot when you get ghosted from a date like you get you know you you end a friendship like it's it's a it's a very normal uh and common reaction that we have after that but there you you it's it's the practice of working on it and like the practice of having other social interactions with other people and you know

is your picker off with like these with friends like are there do you really like them like Melissa said like were you really that close like what was the agency that you held in that relationship yeah so I I think this can be as much as like I don't think from what you've told us I don't know I I don't to me like from their actions unless you did something absolutely horrific I don't think they meant about this in a way that was very kind but I don't think that even those instances where you're not uh obviously at fault i still think we can like learn from those things the phone call afterwards with someone else on the lot to me that's middle school shit like she thinks that they she was like next to her because they left together

well yeah they're definitely yeah i think when i share my story later you might be like no yeah i think that there's so many instances where it could be that but without examples yeah it's it's hard because i'm like i don't think that they were being intentionally nice but also sometimes i'm not intentionally nice like do you know what i mean like it could have been something where like the caller was doing something like it's been building up building up and then like did something at the the um dress fitting and they're like we don't want to handle here but like we're over it and you know it's time to tell her we're not gonna ruin it in front of the bride but yeah there's sometimes where i can go out of my way to be mean but there are

other times when i have to go out of my way to be nice in a situation and like sometimes like that's what those things call for and it's hard to know without the examples the details yep all right well we're gonna take a break we're back in time for the next call hey megan and melissa i'm calling in about a situation with my boyfriend's family I'm 22, and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for almost three years, and throughout our relationship, there has been a lot of strife between my boyfriend and his family, as well as his family and

me. Long story short, my boyfriend no longer communicates with his dad or stepmom or anyone else on that side of the family. They are very emotionally abusive and manipulative, which I knew from the start of our relationship. No matter what my boyfriend did, he was always wrong and called disrespectful and inconsiderate. I may be biased, but I never saw either of these qualities in him to this day. Fast forward to now, like I said, he no longer communicates with them and is seen as an outcast in the family. It seems as though they blame me for his decision to not talk to them anymore, but all I've done is support his decision.

I've never told him what to do one way or the other because I would not want him to make that decision for me. For example, tonight was his stepbrother's graduation, and my boyfriend was very nervous that he was going to see his dad and stepmom's family at the graduation. He's been telling me for weeks that he wanted me to come as his emotional support, but then they only gave him one ticket. so we decided to try anyway and we were both able to get in but his sister expressed to us that the family was very unhappy that I was there and they even said that I was going to ruin the night for the graduates. I'm serious when I say that I've never done anything to this family and I can't figure out why they act like they hate me so much. How do I cope with this? Is there something that I

I should do or should I just let them be? Do you think I should support whatever decisions my boyfriend makes regarding his family or should I guide him to talk to them again? I feel really guilty sometimes, even though I know that I did not tell him to do this. It's not you. They're just looking to place blame on somebody and you happen to be the person in his life that is not related to him that he is with and so they're blaming you because you're there and not their relative that's really all it is and so if he doesn't want to communicate then like

he has to know that like when he goes into certain situations where he does have to communicate that he's going to be met with resistance like this and then you coming when you weren't invited and finagled your way into this that was something that they weren't ready for and so they're going to again continue to blame you because you're the person that's there to blame so i don't i think all you can do is just if this is what he wants is have like limited uh communication with them in certain situations, then I think that you just have to accept what your role is in this and just know that they're not going to like you. And as much as that may hurt you, it's not about you. It's just so that they have a finger to point. And so you just kind of have to accept it.

Yeah. No, you're all of that. It's spot on. Like you're the scapegoat and they act like they hate you because they hate you because it's more socially acceptable to hate their son's girlfriend than it is to hate their son so they hate him but they they hate his decision but when you control someone you don't like someone that you want to control like you don't respect that person like you want to use that person as not not having any agency in their own life like wanting to control someone is not a positive kind of relationship and there's so much idea of like what family is and so to them they want to do whatever they can to and that's why you weren't invited that i'm sure there are other things where they won't want you there they want to

create a wedge between the two of you so then they can paint you to be evil and then he will sudden decide to break up with you and then he will be back with them and that's not the case and like that's not what's going to happen but it's textbook like it has absolutely nothing to do with you you should not encourage him to do anything he doesn't want to do like you should just be a sounding board and as you've said like they're awful to him and beyond just being a sounding board it's important to be like no you they're fucked up you are not wrong like it's not just well whatever you want to do like you're not a therapist it doesn't have to just be any of that like you can have strong opinions on how other people treat the people that you care about and

you should let them know if someone's treating someone that you love poorly you don't have to remain neutral on that subject um especially because like for parents and things like that assumed i mean i don't know what what when his stepmom was in his life but like when you don't know any different and like these are how the adults have raised you like it's like deprogramming so you if you have a healthy relationship with family or you've processed your own things and able to see it from a wider perspective like you should absolutely share how how you feel and i think you're doing everything absolutely everything right um i think it was a fucking power move to still go to the graduation and like finagle your way in there and like that's the support system

that like that's an incredible support system and i'm sure like he feels so comforted by you in that fact because to me attending something that like the risk of seeing someone who you've got no contact with where it's a really toxic like abusive relationship he felt strong enough in that moment to be able to go there knowing that you were there with him and the strength of that relationship is something that his family they're threatened by and they're envious of and to them when bad people see other people close like that they assume that they have to be being manipulated because that's the only way that they would treat that person so like when they're manipulating their kid then they have to assume that like oh no he cut us off and you're close

with him so therefore you must be the one manipulating him now and it's like no that's not how that works but it seems like from what you've said like you've been together three years you've seen like the family dynamics and relationship and stuff so i'm gonna assume the no contact thing has been relatively recent or within the last maybe two years or something like that or could even be like two and a half years it's a very like long process of processing all of this and like how you go about all of your other relationships like those relationships moving forward and like where those boundaries are currently can change and like what they are comfortable with and what they want to do so I think you keep doing what you're doing and like

keep the lines of communication open with your partner like the whole time and know that this is just how these people are if you don't believe the things that they say about your your boyfriend or you don't trust them as they're not someone you would call in an emergency like they're not people you would console like they're not people who you would go to when you're going through a hard time then you can't give what they say merit in in only specific instances like either they get it or they don't and they don't get to be wrong about everything and then right about you but this is unfortunate but i'm really happy for your um boyfriend that he has you and it's it's tough but it will always it constantly will get easier for both of you all right next call

Hi, Megan and Melissa. This is my second time calling, so ignore my first message. I am a longtime listener, first-time caller, and I would love to hear your advice on not getting along with your best friend's boyfriend. So my best friend, let's call her Sarah, 23 years old, started dating her boyfriend, Mason, 29, just about a year ago. Sarah and Mason met through Instagram but had some mutual friends. After going through his Instagram, Sarah was able to see that he had previously been married, but at the time didn't think anything of it. Upon meeting him on their first date, she found out he was in fact still married, but

had already filed for divorce. Although I found this to be a huge red flag, it was not my boyfriend, so I didn't have to be concerned with accepting this information. Sarah Mason continued dating and became official a few months later. At this point, his divorce had been finalized. mason is a perfectly fine guy he's treated sarah right in all the ways a best friend would hope for but he simply is nothing special when hanging out in a group setting he's pretty boring often can be rude perhaps unintentionally if i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt but an example of this

would be he pretty much may find my boyfriend for not making as much money on his job as he did they work in similar fields so just little comments like that turns to just belittle people and be overall rude with all that being said Sarah is in love with him and plans to be with him forever at this point of course we never know what's going to happen but she's pretty spent on being with him long term I don't really know what to do about maintaining our extremely close friendship we were best friends all throughout college and still our best friends obviously um I never really want to hang out with her boyfriend pretty much ever um and it's difficult to plan things just the two of us since we both have boyfriends and are in relationships

she always makes hanging out a double date kind of situation for the record my boyfriend also strongly dislikes Mason so yeah any advice with this on this would be great I love you guys so much bye I want to say so I started off being like the divorcing is not a red flag to me because he finding out that he was married from his Instagram I don't know how you do that they're wedding pictures i personally would delete those but like some people keep them up like okay they may be tagged in them and don't realize that like yeah like tag stuff is there to me like how people portray themselves or like how they go about breakups or relationships on social media like it's so varied like i don't think either one is right or wrong but i would say like on the first

date finding out like the divorce isn't finalized like we filed for it like i think that's a green flag that like you didn't have to find that out like offering that information on a first date I think is important and again like bright green fantastic flag yeah and I have plenty of friends that have been going through divorces for years and they they they're in their minds they are divorced and have been divorced for years but it's just like the divorce takes so freaking long to to to happen so it's like yeah we're technically still married but not really yeah and usually like 99 of the time if a divorce is taking a long time that's because it's not going well that's like there's a lot of fighting back and forth there's a lot of like animal like it's not

uh a positive like experience like you if your divorce is taking you years very and seldomly are you ending on good terms and your close friends yeah so i mean you did undersell when you were like he's like you know like he he's everything like you know he's everything you want like your friend's boyfriend to be like i'm so like good for her like you know and i think he's just a little bit rude and unintentionally and then you say like he made fun of my boyfriend for not making as much money as him in their same field and my boyfriend also hates him and he just kind of belittles everyone in his route and i'm like oh that's like that's a lot that's a lot because i guess he treats her well but doesn't treat anyone else well like he's a bad person

to everyone except her like no no like no like that's like you're underselling this like he's like low-key high he sucks and the fact that your boyfriend also didn't like because i was like some people and their personalities like if your boyfriend was like no that's just like how we talk like we're bros but he didn't like him either like so to me i'm like yeah okay no no no i would wonder like what was her reaction to him saying that like did she overhear it because i think it's not your responsibility to she doesn't have to date someone that you like but it's also not your responsibility to tolerate or take someone saying rude shit to you for the sake of your friend like you like i if it was me and this happens when you're all on a double date together

because she's constantly insisting it and he says something rude like i would say something to that and i would because she might not care which sucks but i think you're giving him benefit of doubt right now I think you're giving her a little too much of the benefit of the doubt because either you're shielding her from how he treats other people or she sees how he treats other people and she's okay with it right so it's like at that point it's like are your values still adding up is this something like if she's going to be with him and you don't like him is this something that you can look past because if not then i don't as long as she's with him i just don't think that this friendship continues if he's treating her like a queen and then treating

everybody else like shit it's like that's not fair to everyone and she knows like she sees that so sometimes the people we date bring out the best in us and they can also bring out the worst in us and i think that if she wasn't so insistent on merging your friendship into a couple's friendship i think that you could get away with maintaining the current friendship you and her had like have had for years i think you could have gotten away with trying to maintain that for a little while longer maybe until i don't know if they like if they're like wanting if they end up getting into that like suburban life and they're like oh minivan maybe kids maybe not kids but like we have like a barbecue with like friend like all

the couple friends like sometimes like once you get to be like a adult adult you really only hang out in those kinds of group settings but i think her trying to like desperately include make this a foursome constantly that is not going to happen for you and like you're not cool with that so I would probably just do it let him probably I would probably be petty and like pick a situation where I know I've seen him be belittling and rude and I would put us in that situation and then I would call him out on it and I would see her reaction for that and I think then I would take the steps of like do i want to have some space from this relationship do i need this to be a conversation or is it like a moment that's like teaching and learning because i will also say you cannot like

someone's partner a lot and then get to know them better and you end up liking them more but that has to be a desired effort on both sides but yeah it's like i'm it sucks but like it truly is a make or break thing it really is like it's like it's you will have friends and then they start dating someone and then you realize like oh wow all of like those little like flaws that you have are like things that i don't think are your best qualities i didn't realize that like that's what you like thought was like the core and the true you and so then you're dating someone who matches and mirrors and amplifies all of those and you're like those are the worst things about you like what what do you mean and it's like okay well that friendship's done then and like it sucks

but like it's so fucking common yeah i i think it's more common like in friends that like i've been i'm friends with and like and then they get a partner but like usually if they're somebody that's been in a partnership then i then it's like they've been with the person for years then it's like fine i think yeah at this at this point i don't think i have any friends that i just don't like their partners like I'm friends also with their partners yeah I'm not friends with any of these people but we're also in different age groups you know like you're barely still in your 20s and I've been out of my 20s for a while so but also like at this point like I don't think I would be become friends with someone and then find out I hate their partner right it is a

reflection of you and so it really you're right it only really does happen for like your childhood friends or people who you know and you see them see them grow through this but it's unfortunate yeah my condolences i know truly my condolences like it's fucking sucks sorrow sorrows prayers if you've watched queen charlotte then you get it anyway well that's all we hope you all enjoyed as always um give us a call leave us a voicemail or a voice memo and we can give you advice on our upcoming episodes and if you are a caller from one of these episodes and you would like to give us an update or some clarification call us again or shoot us an email we can schedule uh to to hop on a zoom or if you're like please no uh don't talk i don't want

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