Don't Blame Me! - Boyfriend Came Out as Poly

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

After discussing Brandy and Whitney's "Cinderella" (again) and the "Never Have I Ever" Season Premiere... Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Boyfriend's chemistry with another friend Unvaccinated friend coming around during chemo treatment Co-worker who brings up Trump Don't Blame Them: Boyfriend getting his high school degree Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. hello oh i should put my glasses on so i can see who i'm talking to yourself and i'm right yeah and when you got close to me i could see your skin on real close and personal so beautiful and dewy and glowy thank you i've started steaming it again i wasn't doing you steaming your vagina i love a good v steam have you had one oh yes oh my god what's it oh my gosh so i think i just peed no because you you should go to the bathroom before i don't have a great bladder so i feel like i i mean i i pee constantly but like it's different because like when you're when you sit on like a regular toilet it's not warm with herbs infusing your vagina so they put

like it's supposed to be this thing where it like releases toxins which i don't believe in at all you have a liver yes like and if you don't you have other health things that you do to help with the toxins in your body right don't believe in it all i just like to feel good you know so just imagine like a nice warm minty herbal steam in your vagina like it just right now you're giving me vicks vapor rub energy and that is nothing i want near my vagina but like vicks burns minty but it's like a like a like a like a york peppermint patty tastes the sensation too icy too icy though but it's warm because of the steam because the steam is warm so like imagine like a warm mint though oh it feels good the leg i i have i have a picture of myself

enjoy for you yeah yeah and i just want you to see it's been a while let me see if i can find the photo look at you gooping gooping left right and center as long as you keep it to just this and you don't become which you never would but you know those people who just get a monthly colonic and i'm like that's so not good for you no no no this is like once a year little treat for the cooch she's been she's been so good all year it's like a reward wow their hair is first your skin looks flawless i had just gotten uh a facial wow it's like what is it do you sit on like a porta potty it's like like if a toilet seat was wooden so like imagine kind of like an outhouse kind of yeah and it has like a uh like a little

box underneath and then an opening and then they have a bowl that has all the herbs and stuff inside of it and like i don't know what they put i don't ask questions and then they i mean i trust those spas you sit with a like kind of like a cape like when you get your hair done but if it went all the way around your body okay they come in after you've seated yourself and then spread them and they slide it underneath but the cape's covering everything so they can't see anything do you feel like a like a chicken about to get stuffed no well i guess some people might but because it's kind of like the same i just felt look at my eyes look at that well i mean they're glistening yeah your skin's glowing your eyes are glistening i just got a facial i've had i had a

massage i have my whole body scrubbed you had your whole steam and then after i got because you know when they do those full body scrubs they get between your booty cheeks too they get up in there they get right right up to the vagina i trust those women more than me anyone in the entire world like if i had to get a passenger performed by anyone who wasn't a doctor yeah it would be someone who works at one of those spots so they get right up at your vagina so this is like the because you've had every other part of your body touched at this point because they've washed your hair i had my hair washed too oh my god you want to go i want to go i haven't been to a crane spawn that's what this is i know i know i haven't been to one in so long every part

of my body had been touched except for getting up in those crowds so this was the icing on the cake at the end did you just feel like like you would just been like a hard reset yes like thinking about like factory reset settings thinking about it right now i'm like i gotta get back to me too i was i'm literally just like i like showered last night and i'm like i need to be that clean yeah i um i went like bright when everything kind of started opening up and i had on my mask the whole time it was perfectly fine so it's clean anyway yeah constantly a lot of people there wear masks and they wear masks prior to the pandemic exactly i trust those women yes my life yes oh wow damn i gotta go like i'm really damn we should go yeah we should go patreon

i went to that one because jocelyn and lily did a video on it oh so i went to that because i saw them do it i was like i want to go there and then i started going regularly it's so good yeah it's so good damn like and now we have to sit here and do a fucking podcast and we could be getting our fucking ass cheeks scrubbed get them spread wide open and then pleasantly steamed after you can't though like if you go get a wax you can't do them on the same day be steaming wax um nobody is waxing a vagina i know i had a sugar one time and it was before the movie when we had to have our snatch patches which is like the little naked strip fucking sasha her vagina hair didn't get long enough to shave it karuchi backed out and then it was just tugging at that point so

she couldn't do it because it was like too much like i got my legs and i was like you bitch then there's me and she was like you were like laughing crying screaming like you sounded like the grinch like there were everybody in the other room i mean the last when i used to get them done regularly get it done regularly i would get drunk before and take a tylenol and that's not good nope now i started you know what i started doing now you know ball tremors i get that i've heard that's worked really well it works so good and i don't have to wear i have sensitive skin it's not nearly as sensitive i know i did i tried to like i'm already sensitive yeah those no ingrown hairs like you get smooth i tried and it did not do maybe i should need a different one

was it a specific ball trimmer one i don't remember i think that makes the difference because it's just like ones that dudes use like for their mustaches and beards or whatever it doesn't it's not the same whatever it was my fragile fragile skin does not enjoy it that this one just and you're done in like less than a minute you do it in the shower i sit on the like like a v steam yeah yeah yeah okay yeah well i need to shape it out so maybe i'll place in order my name is on hello welcome to another episode of don't blame me starring me megan and our resident v steamer melissa oh we are an advice podcast where we deliver wonderful amazing life-changing advice and um you ask for it so we give it to you unless we don't want to oh look

this is a cute picture of us oh my god first of all you stunning me bridge troll like that is so bad please watch the video version so you can understand what photo i'm talking about the video version this podcast is available on patreon support the show and support um melissa's bank account so she can continue to treat her punani with some peppermint patty stains are you ready to actually i guess we should give you the number you might how does this podcast work well you call what even is it what the fuck what the fuck is this you call in you watch melissa shake her titties if you're on patreon just my shoulders my not a tit was shaken you shook you can shake your shoulders that your tits are moving i don't know no this is titty movement um this is shoulder

it was residual yeah it's not the same retitual retitual and they they didn't even see it because my computer's cut oh what a shame what a shame you might be wondering how we give this wonderful life-changing advice to our viewers and that is because you called you leave voicemails you tell us what's happening in your life and we give you the best advice that we can what we lack in credentials we make up in opinions i was perfectly synced and we're in person amazing flawless wonderful so if you want to call for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com gotta keep the audio message and the voicemail under three minutes from the time that you start

talking like you you know press the beat now i'm talking after the beep after megan's done talking after i'm done re-recording this thing is sold yeah it's true we ask that you let us know your ages in the call if there are multiple people involved in the story what their ages are your pronouns if you want and their pronouns as well and we want you to write it down beforehand practice pull out a timer make sure it's under three minutes but then also make sure you have as much information as possible so it's relevant and you can practice reading it out loud and then when you're finally ready to call you don't have to memorize it or come up with it on the top of your head or divvy from like literally you can just write a script and read it and then we can

give you the best advice and maybe we will change your life maybe we'll ruin your life but either way you're welcome how are you doing you know i'm exhausted yeah absolutely exhausted and well i don't know what'd you do this weekend that you asked me to come to an hour before we started if nothing says megan at the end i would have saw it then i would have made it but i think it's like actually the most like perfect description of like how i am where so moths bought tickets for uh like a movie in the park in la and it was brandy cinderella and the we love love in case you're new oh my god yeah i know in case you're new here like that is cinderella when i was a child and i was going through like it was a really hard time at home during this specific time and

i needed a halloween costume and my dad like went to like the fucking halloween store that like pops up in the year and it was like oh she loves cinderella he bought me it's my only time ever having like a i always wanted one of those fucking polyester halloween costumes it's my first time getting one he grabbed one and i was like that's not what cinderella wears and my dad was like oh it's the cartoon one. And I was like, okay, but like, that was like, no, Brandy Cinderella is Cinderella. Like that is my Cinderella forever and always. So the week before was my birthday and Mott had bought a movie in the park tickets at the Hollywood cemetery for a league of their own. So he bought those tickets and we get there for the last weekend. And we finally like, you know,

we we get in we like scan our tickets we do all that and we get to where the movie is it did feel a little bit weird that like to watch people kind of cut through like not walk on like the side part and like cut through and walk over people's great like that made me supremely bother me at all i used to live next to a cemetery and people would be like oh you live and i was like it's just a body like it's not like a person's actually in there i think it's literally just proximity because for me the only associations i have with graveyards are like i was very young really didn't understand what it was so like the concept that like my loved ones who had passed were on like five feet underground dead and six feet under oh sorry sorry six feet under and like dead and

decaying like skeletons like it just really it was very odd to me and also like people i didn't know but like were family members who had passed before i got there were ones i did like i mean it was only like a once a year thing and it was like a very i don't know it was a very weird serious thing that was like not explained to me well as a kid which i like recognize now i'm like i mean i didn't live next to it until i moved here so it wasn't like a child oh yeah yeah yeah no so i don't have like driving by them you know whatever but it feels a little weird people just walking all over them so we round the corner and we see i it is jam-packed like it is like people shoulder to shoulder i haven't seen a single person wearing a mask except for a worker there and we are like

walking around where they're like an hour and 45 minutes before the movie starts and there's no room anywhere. There's nowhere to sit. And everyone who's sitting next to each other, like everybody is shoulder to shoulder with everyone else. And no one is wearing masks. I just look at Mots and he goes, let's just go home. And I was like, I'm sorry. And he was like, no, no, it's totally fine. Like there's a nowhere for us to sit. And if we found somewhere to sit, like we're not going to enjoy it. We're not gonna be able to see the screen. And we're just going to be next to people breathing in our mouths. And like, we don't want to do that. So then with, I forgot about brandy cinderella literally until like 20 minutes before we needed to leave and I

was like oh didn't you buy tickets for like didn't you say you had something like this weekend like you bought tickets for a while ago and he goes oh my god brandy cinderella I was like brandy cinderella and he was like it starts like and we are like a rushing and both of us thought we were gonna get there and be the same thing and I was like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna like call her and tell her to come if we find out that it's like totally crowded so the second we say that it's not crowded we get there i text melissa and again this is like the most me thing ever i don't remember to text you prior don't give you a heads up like hey we do this thing it's not texting until hey right now please and then i and i call i text like a thousand

fucking times and just like in a span of 15 minutes you're like i was working out but um next time you will come there's no way that they can't do this again they did the league of their own in they did an amazon brand deal yeah i saw it online afterwards that's why it was packed yeah because there was a whole section for influencers i think towards the front but brandy cinderella we saw in the park it was amazing it was way more low-key it was less of like you know some some of the if you're familiar with la like you are probably even if you don't live here familiar with like the like hollywood bowl i'm not hollywood forever uh cemetery movies showing there and a lot of people go who are really into like traditionally spooky stuff even if they're

not into the movie they are like it's a cult following for that specific location this one wasn't there hollywood yeah thanks too yeah so this one wasn't there so it was just like much more family oriented it was really sweet not to rub it in but they did have a cinderella and lots of little kids who came and took pictures of cinderella was she black yeah okay just making sure you know he played her oh yeah oh of course i know the one that the version that brandy did because it was the roger and and the biggest crime of all and nini leaks was the fairy godmother wow you can actually sing too yeah yeah it didn't last long she got fired but the biggest crime of all though the brandy cinderella is not on spotify

yeah you saw did you see my message to you which should have been the tip-off that they're doing like the original cast is getting together from brandy cinderella and they're doing like a special yeah and so that that should have keyed you in that would have gave you like the tip-off that it was coming up like a couple days before so next time i was gonna ask you if you wanted to get together to watch that yes okay i have not watched brandy cinderella i don't know maybe five years six years maybe a little more my brain fog makes me forget where i live everything i have not forgotten a single word to any of those songs mott said that like his favorite part was just like he said it was he was like it was really like sweet like not only was he watching me like

mouth all the words be so excited but he was like i'm just looking around and it's mostly women but he's like i'm just seeing a bunch of women you a little most of them are older than me and that's what i was like he was asking like what the age range was and i was like it's definitely older than me they came out when i was like three three something and he was like it was just so cool to like just see all of these like all these like women in their like 30s singing along like cheesing ear to ear to this he was like that was like really sweet he loved it he thought wuffy was the best part of it he did also love jason alexander um that was it they have to do it again like it was just so well done and everybody was so excited they literally had

princess crowns to buy for everyone to wear and so that makes me think that this was either a fan request that went like wonderfully well and people loved it the anniversary too that's why they're doing the abc special or i was gonna say or they've done this before and like people know and they love it yeah but it was just great it was just so great and like i'm not one for like cheering in movies but there is something different when you're watching brand new cinderella in a park and like she heard the prince kiss and you just take care of it go because just wholesome and sweet what about you anything new with you i went to the never have i ever premiere i got to be two feet away from mindy kaling and i love her so much i know and that's the only reason well i

like that show a lot but like i was there for her yeah not your cousin we we were on the pink carpet the cast was right there specifically mindy specific she was the last one to get there of course of course star behavior because it was like the limos were pulling up and i just kept looking i was like i don't care i don't care i don't care and then like everybody else had been there and i was like that's everybody like the star of the show was here and i was like maybe she's not gonna come because i know that they are filming sex lives of college girls or whatever i was like maybe she's not here but then i looked on her instagram and saw that she posted that she was on her way and kept and then i saw her limo the limo pull up i saw before anybody else did

and i was like there she is and then she got out and then i just waited on the carpet and then she was right there what'd she wear she was a good stylist yeah she has a great style she has somebody that i forgot what his name is but he did all her style on the mindy project too and she she looked good yeah no she always i i always i always like the colors that she wears like i think her stylist is a good job of like dressing her and of picking out stuff yeah well i'm so happy for you thank you i really wish though that like we could do like a zoom out of what red carpets were like for people when they see how glamorous it is i cannot describe to you anything more than like this specific one which is a very common one in los angeles

just know that like those step and repeats which is the carpet with like the rolled background that has like the logos or all that stuff just know that like 99% of the time that that is in front of like it was a panera bread and like it's like in front of like a chain restaurant and like a pawn shop and there's like a like a jamba juice like within eyeshot yep and that's like what it is and like you're walking by and you're on your way to your doctor's appointment and you just see this and it's not long you see something that's like if it's a big one okay we're not going to talk about like an award show big but for like movies yeah anywhere it's relatively small yeah like it's not even taking up a whole block at all so you just see that and you're like walking on

your way to your dentist appointment and you just see people in gowns in the middle of like the street i would be ready to go to class and i'm like can y'all please it's a very weird yeah very very weird weird weird weird thing and then they get back into their cars and then you go home yeah and you're like i'm wearing like a gown and i wore a gown essentially to stand outside of a bj's for like five minutes on a sidewalk that someone put a carpet over anyways let's take a break and we're back from our break maria into the calls roll the tapes hey megan and melissa i'm a 26 year old female in a monogamous relationship of eight years recently my boyfriend let's call him drew age 28 came out to me as polyamorous i felt blindsided this time but i'm not entirely

surprised considering we broke up a year into our relationship due to him being fearful of commitment. I told him I would be okay with pursuing an open relationship after we are married and after he's had a vasectomy. We plan to get married next year. I also told him I would prefer to start slowly and go to swingers club and experiment together prior to us pursuing relationships individually. Our relationship and communication is really great and our sex life is awesome too. My struggle with all of this is that he's recently confessed he has a crush on a girl who has recently gotten closer to everyone in his friend group and has slept with one of his friends already. I wasn't expecting him to be interested in someone that's in such close proximity or even

distance considering we're not open right now. However, I am struggling to navigate this situation because I find myself fearful that he's trying to escape me even though he says he isn't. This girl is everything I'm not and I've witnessed their chemistry in person. She is aware that our relationship will be open at some point but what really stung is when he told me what is she wants to meet my family. I'm not necessarily okay with either of us introducing new partners to family due to it forcing us to explain ourselves and this new lifestyle we're pursuing and forcing us to face their judgment. Am I wrong for not wanting that? He's anticipating coming out to send his poly and I'm fearful of their reaction because I know they're very traditional. I know

this is a scenario that isn't real yet, but I'm so deeply disturbed by the thought of him bringing a romantic partner to functions i've always been a part of also how would you navigate your partner wanting to pursue other relationships while maintaining the one they currently have with you i love this man and i want this to work and i'm trying to remain conscious of how much i'm going to compromise on any advice on this would be super helpful because i have no one other than him to talk about this so thanks so much love the show quick clarity did she say that her husband came as polyamorous is that that's okay because my question is just obviously your i don't want to conflate because a lot of times people conflate like open relationships or polyamory with like

similar to being like bi or pan or gay or whatever but like i did he ask you if you were comfortable or was it do you know i mean like did he ask if she was comfortable or was it i'm coming is it a deal breaker yeah like how was it proposed in a situation that is like you know i have i have a lot of friends who are in heterosexual relationships realized they aren't straight later on and have come out to their long-term partners is like i am bi i am i'm queer i'm pan and i just like want to let you know and that it's not about like nothing in their relationship changes it's just now that they know that the person that they're with isn't straight they know that like oh my in this specific cases these are like women like oh this my wife is bi like my wife isn't straight

so i'm i'm curious how this was proposed if it felt like that was something that like had to happen in order to like quote unquote save the relationship from like your end call do you mean the boyfriend cheating well yeah but like along the lines of like say that in an offensive way No, but yeah, but along the lines of like, when you're when it's like, I'm coming out as polyamorous. I don't think that that necessarily, like, that is so unrelated to then being in a polyamorous relationship with your monogamous partner. So like, was it presented with, would you be interested in opening this up? Or was this, this is who I am, can change to fit this? yeah yeah i don't know that was my main question was like everything that i know about polyamory i have read in the book ethical slut which i have and i read it because i was gonna do this podcast that we talked about like things that could be quote-unquote taboo we had the author on and she shared a lot of information and then i loved her she was great and then and i i heard the book

from gabby dunn they have quote i think they even quoted oh yeah that's how i know it on when they were on this show and then so we also had the author on just between us as well so yeah i said before like i could might be yeah i could be polyamorous maybe but the more that i've looked into it i don't think that i actually could be and from what i understand is that everybody in the polyamorous relationship should be open and honest about it and to me it doesn't seem like that you the caller like this is not necessarily something that you actually want and you're putting kind of like stipulations and stops and starts on it because and i might be reading this wrong and i apologize if i am but it seems like you're agreeing to this because you want to

keep your boyfriend and you said that you called him your boyfriend you're not engaged yet but you said that you would be open this correct open to exploring it once y'all are married yeah and you said you want to get married next year yeah but you're not engaged because you keep calling him your boyfriend do you actually want this is my question like are do you actually want to be polyamorous because with the information that you're saying you don't want to be and then also you don't like that he's already showing interest in someone else like if you're polyamorous i don't think you can cut off like if you like someone else or not you know like you you can control you can control like acting on it which he's not acting but you've seen chemistry and it seems like

you're very jealous of this and you don't want you actually don't want this like you weren't ready it kind of he was honest with you like i have a crush on this person that has also you said that he's that the person has already slept with somebody in the friend group like are they gonna be poly amongst friends yeah there was a little judgment in that phrasing of that um and i think it's because you don't you don't want to view i don't think you also don't want to view your boyfriend as anything other than being in the right so it's easier for you to dislike her and think of her as a problem yeah so my biggest thing is like you said this is like i'm going to compromise but if you're polyamorous it's not compromising it's that you're also open to this

as well and it seems like you're trying to do whatever you can to keep him as opposed to actually engaging in a polyamorous lifestyle yeah i mean i wholly agree like melissa said at the beginning i'm in a monogamous relationship i've never been interested in polyamorous relationships i can't speak from a place of like understanding only again by proxy but this to me i think he is what makes people who are polyamorous in polyamorous relationships i think he is you know what gives people a negative stereotype of this because you're not in an open relationship but he is telling a girl in his friend group that you will be in an open relationship and he's flirting with her and that's not okay you haven't established your

boundaries of what you're going to do like deciding to be deciding to open up your relationship especially relationship you've been in for a long time but even a shorter relationship the process isn't you don't open up a relationship usually for one specific person you open up a relationship because you've been interested in this for an extended period of time and it's with the idea of this the excitement of trying that it's not like a sister wife situation where you're opening it up for someone who you've already lined up that's not okay because that is crossing boundaries in your current monogamous relationship right and i understand what you're saying like you know i didn't think it would be someone who is like so close in a friend group and then he

brought up the thing with like fan like meeting family you are not on the same page you have not communicated what an open relationship looks like what you're comfortable with what he's comfortable with and what the boundaries are and i think that's because you like most said i don't think this is coming from you i think you are hearing this is what he wants you've been mentioned like we broke up a year in this isn't totally surprising because he was commitment. So you're relating this with he's afraid of commitment. So I'm going to get the marriage and the vasectomy. So I don't have to worry, which again, they're not 100% effective. But the way that you're talking about the things that you're like worried about, it's so clear that you haven't had this conversation

with him. And he hasn't even thought to have this conversation with you, which to me is honestly a bigger red flag. I think if you are proposing to your long term partner that you're interested in being polyamorous you really need to come with like the either i'm not interested in opening our opening our relationship up but i do feel like i owe i want to share this information with you because i i want you to really like know me or i was one it's not a deal breaker for me but i would want to open our relationship up these are the boundaries that i was thinking but i'm like ready to hear what things that you would be interested in if you are at all but it's not like it's just kind of like throwing out this term like opening up the relationship and then it to me it feels

like he's just kind of like showing his hand a little bit all the way through this to make you feel like oh well he's being honest and he's telling me this so then I can't be mad if this this this and this and it when you say that like we can open it up when these things happen those things aren't like that you see of good communication but like getting married and getting a mastectomy like that's not actually helpful at all in an open relationship like there needs to be boundaries and it makes a very common boundary is you do not open it up to people with like mutual friends people within your friend group or you exclusively open it up to the people that both parties know uh-huh you have to set those ground rules so that's like the biggest

thing that i've read from ethical sled is that you have to set your own rules and if this is something that is like a deal breaker for you him being with somebody in your friend group then that needs to be a hard and fast rule that you set now yeah i mean i'm just gonna be super honest with you i think that rushing to get married right now is like a really big mistake because i don't and i say this out of so much love you have proposed marriage as a solution to trust in a way and i don't think that you are going to actually feel that i don't think that it's i think you're proposing it as a sense of security but i don't think you're actually going to feel secure in a relationship just because you're married and i think if anything all that does like marriage is

a piece of paper yes but like you know it's a lot of work to get undone getting married like you you're going through the legal process if there's like all of that stuff like it's always better to hold off on that. And it's the fact that he has already put the feelers out and started this process and broke your trust by telling someone that you are opening up your relationship, which to be fair, I think he is again, showing his hand in the sense that he's telling you a bit of what he's saying, not all of what he's saying. So you can't be mad at him, quote unquote, because he's being honest. But I just don't think that what you're viewing as security is going to feel secure to you at all and then all you've got there is a truckload of paperwork and shit and

the feeling of potential quote-unquote failure that's not really what it is but depending on you how you grew up and how you view divorce or separation it might feel whether it's financially but definitely emotionally a lot harder to a set up boundaries in this relationship and or leave this relationship this just to me your boyfriend is not being respectful to you and i feel like it's under the guise of like oh i'm respecting him and his like he's polyamorous like i need to make sure that i'm being like inclusive and respectful but that doesn't come at the expense of your own respect and your consent and your boundaries within your relationship and i think that he has broken that and i i think that before you do anything that needs to be see

you need to see if that can be mended yeah i also my toxic advice i would meet this girl i would meet this girl she has hasn't she said that she's seeing their chemistry i would like meet her in a in a context where he's not around i thought you were gonna say meet her in a back alley oh well yeah but no i'm kidding because you have a lot of animosity towards her and my thing is i don't know what he's told her he's told you what he's told her you don't actually know what that is. And I, I don't know, I also have a really hard time with people who men specifically who speak about like, women in their friend groups, who's like, she slept with this person, this person. So this is just locker room talk about a boy told you something. And now you're telling

someone, you don't even know that that's actually true. Like, you don't know any of that. And like, I really don't like when we speak about women sleeping, sleeping around allegedly, with these kind of narratives. And then he associates her with opening up the relationship, which makes you associate relationship with opening up the relationship with her and has any you haven't talked to her like you don't know her and i think she might have some more information than you do and or maybe it's been abundantly clear that he has been emotionally cheating with her but i just don't think that he respects you and i think that you need respect to be in a relationship and you can't respect him enough for the both of you yeah I'd be so upset yeah me too all right next call

next call hi Megan Melissa I am 29 I use she her pronouns my friends I'm gonna refer to her as Lily as 32 and also use a she her pronouns Lily and I have known each other for about seven years we become very close I used to live with her for about two years during COVID and during that time we became very good friends. Where I did lose some respect for Lily is right when the vaccine came out. She claimed to be too scared to get it. She said she wasn't anti-vax, but because it was so new, she would take time before getting the vaccine, yet still hasn't gotten it, and used to take ivermectin as a preventative. So, of course, we fought about that, and I lost a lot of respect for her. I had been triple vaccinated. I got vaccinated as soon as it was safe for me to do so,

and eventually I kind of had to stop talking to her about it for my own mental health and I wasn't comfortable living with someone unvaccinated yet at that time I wasn't able to move out. She got COVID twice. She got it in 2020 and then unfortunately we both got it at the beginning of this year, which then couldn't have gotten vaccinated because it sucked. Anyway, fast forward to now I moved out in May and despite that we have remained close friends. Where I'm struggling now is I was recently diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. Lily has absolutely been there for me. She's been very supportive. As you know,

medical bills become insane. She kindly created a GoFundMe to help support me, and she's been there for me. I did have a lumpectomy back on my birthday a few weeks ago, and thankfully it was a success to be able to remove the cancer, yet I will still have to undergo chemotherapy in order to prevent the cancer from ever coming back. Where I need some advice is regarding being exposed to someone that's unvaccinated during this treatment and just want to say I plan on asking my oncologist and nurses about this as well but I just I value both of your opinions and wouldn't mind hearing what you guys would maybe do in this situation no matter what I want the people around me to be wearing N95 masks but would you guys be comfortable being around someone unvaccinated at this point

during this panini and if you're not comfortable either how would you approach this topic Lily is a very very sensitive person and will likely have a big reaction i don't really want to deal with that either so if you can help me out i really appreciate it and i love you guys thank you so much bye you can't be stupid and sensitive yeah we do not like to be around people that are uh that haven't been vaccinated if we know for a fact that they haven't been vaccinated i don't like people who are not vaccinated we also wear our mask everywhere we go also we both have compromised immune systems too so i mean we're not in the same situation no no yeah it's not you know you you have a support system and lily has been part of your support system and has also

raised money for you and it's a it's a new this for you this is a new this is a time period and it's a very scary time and you know chemo is not something that everybody goes through and i'm so happy that you know that they were able to get that lump out so and i'm sorry that you're going through this but the thing is like your health is so important especially right now and anybody that doesn't understand that should not be physically around you i can't even say like present them with the facts because all the facts are there yeah everything's there it's been three years at this point, like everything there, Lily can read about it. And Lily has chosen not to do that. Lily is choosing not to protect her friend that she says that she cares so much about. Lily

is putting your health at risk, because she's choosing ignorance. So I would say, Lily, I really appreciate you being there emotionally for me I appreciate everything that you've done in my life I appreciate you setting up the GoFundMe but at the end of the day none of that really matters because you're not putting I know I understand that you don't you're you don't care about your own health you're not putting your health first but my health I'm sick like I'm sick and my immune system is compromised severely and you not getting vaccinated and thinking that you can come around me what you're doing is essentially bringing a harmful weapon and pointing at me and hoping i don't walk into it yeah and so i cannot allow you to physically be around me

at this time i love you but you can't physically be around me i know you're gonna be worse no i think that's very nice i'm trying to put myself in the caller's position because this is a tough situation it's very tough i just want to say if this was like if you were my friend this would be like the bare minimum like i think like starting to go fund me that's nice i'm not trying to discount it like i'm not saying that like someone shouldn't have started to go fund me for you like I think that's like very important. I have a childhood friend who is currently in the process of being diagnosed with cancer and another one of our friends set up a GoFundMe and like that, I saw that and I was like, wow, I'm so glad that those, that they're still friends. Like,

that's so sweet to see. But like Melissa said, none of it actually matters when you're hypothetically caring, unless you're practically caring and practically caring is actions and actions aren't fundraisers. Actions aren't like words of kindness. Actions aren't verbal or nonverbal support actions are like preventative medical measures to ensure the best of their ability that you are safe and even if i was vaccinated i mean i am vaccinated but if i was your friend and i am vaccinated but you are currently going through chemo if i'm going to if you need me to come see i will be like whenever you need me let me know i am isolating for 14 days beforehand i am not going to the grocery store i'm getting everything delivered i am wiping

everything down that gets delivered and i am making sure that if i'm i'm testing my temperature every day i'm testing myself every day if i have any change in symptoms that i will not be around you even with my even i'm gonna n95 mask on i will put on a whole fucking hazmat suit i will do all of that as a vaccinated person to see someone to be there for someone i also as a vaccinated person would not assume that my presence is welcome with somebody who is immune compromised ever I'm never going to assume that they want me there I will ask if you want me there I can be there I can do all of that I will offer my support I do not think that my friends and the people that I love value my presence and will assume a risk of their own personal safety for that I don't think that

I know you said that she's sensitive I think I don't know I have a really your feelings like yeah those aren't facts I have a really fucking hard time with people as adults who can who we recognize them as like oh they're they're really sensitive so I have to tiptoe around how I talk to them that to me is what you do with family that's what you do with like people who you might have you know it's not like a narcissistic really toxic relationship but it's it's a little bit more difficult you don't do that with friends I I am I'm a firm believer and I'm not going to have to water down what i'm saying to be pleasant for someone else to ingest like if you can't just take the facts and like what's actually happening if that makes you feel personally attacked if you

make me having cancer about you that is the biggest fucking red flag to me like the absolute biggest i think the go fund me and all of that right now it's she wants to say that she's a good friend and wants other people to think that she's a good friend and view her as being a good friend without actually being a good friend yeah and i don't think you can be a good friend without that getting vaccinated if you're able to and she is and she's also not smart and taking ivermectin as preventative measures and i don't want to like judge you at all for like why you're friends with her in the pandemic especially i think we all have a lot of proximity friends and it can be really hard and people like sometimes you just want to move on from

these difficult topics where you don't align with someone because it's harder to make new friends or harder to have another connection and you want to still have said connection but if this was me I would send her a message and I would be like hey I want to let you know I really appreciate how you have like been there for me through this and also starting to go find me that was really kind to be perfectly honest I'm incredibly upset that that in the part of caring about me and my well-being in no part has that changed the fact that you're still not vaccinated I you have had so much time to learn about this it's important to care about people as a concept but the fact that you still can't care when it's me right here in front of you like I can't if I get I'm do you

know what chemo does to your body like do you know how hard that is and I am at this point in my life I'm not having people in my life who don't care about me in a practical sense and you're not one of those people I really hope that you will take it upon yourself to educate yourself about the vaccine and about COVID and the importance of preventing transmission and reducing viral load and all of these things and also what I'm going through with chemo and I really do hope that that will change your perspective and you will be vaccinated and also understand why you need to then go within to the anti-vax communities that you've become a part of because she inevitably has if she's taking ivermectin as a preventative measure and educate the people in your lives who

you have been vocally anti-vaccine covid vaccine about and gotten covid twice so like well then it becomes survival survivor's bias survival bias but i would be like i appreciate what you've done for me but it truly doesn't mean anything if you're not gonna actually value my health and that's it and I don't think that when you're done with chemo you should be friends with her still I don't think any of that I obviously can't relate on this level but like Melissa said like we both have compromised immune systems and Melissa's like my only friend who takes it serious like the same way that I do and like all of minus like one or two maybe all of my other friendships have changed except for ours like all of them have changed and it's hard and it really sucks to see

that like you know at first the beginning of the pandemic when it kind of started to feel like wow does it feel like I'm all alone like what do you mean like everyone's viewing this and not viewing this and then it just we had the science and we had that and then also I mean I've personally been dealing with long COVID since I got COVID and seeing how you know you justify people's reactions to things by being like we'll all be the exception to the rule like they're not maybe they're not taking it so seriously but like if it happened to them or happens like they totally would and it's not the case and it's really hard to deal with especially like when you are like sick to have that kind of recognition but i think covid has made our social circles and our worlds

feel really small and it's made it so we can think of like hypotheticals of, or like you see on Twitter, like people who are like really supportive of like social distancing. And then you see people who are doing absolutely nothing and it feels really out of body weird. But then also our social circles have consolidated so much that when someone is doing a little better than somebody else in terms of you know like safety protocols or no one's doing anything it feels like that's the only option like that's it like that's the only things there and those are the only relationships and so it's either you have no relationships or you to accept those ones and it's not the case and i mean i think you obviously know that because you called in

and you know how our stances are on anti-vaxxers without the added aspect of your what like what chemo is going to be doing to your immune system in your body and this person like i know you said that they've been there for you to me the things that they have done to support you have been really forward-facing performative maybe we don't know her no we don't but to be fair i think it is a pretty fair assessment to say someone who is an anti-vaxxer who's not getting vaccinated for covid as their friend has chemo setting up a gofundme for them to pay for their medical bills for chemo is a little performative because it's like oh i care so deeply about this they're going through this how can we like like please contribute what you can do what you can to help you want to

ask people to donate money which they should but you're not even willing to go get a free vaccine that to me is just so so gross and that paired with you saying that she's sensitive feels like she does a lot of things for the recognition and having to mitigate your response to something that she's allegedly doing for you to me scream someone who's doing things for praise and anything other than praise is bad this makes me really upset and i also don't want to tell you to like cut off all communication with her and stop being friends with her especially at this time you're going through something that's really hard and i don't know if you have like i don't know even what the protocols are for like chemo right now for if you can like have someone who's in like a waiting room

like they're with you like it's a very isolating very lonely thing so like by no means am i suggesting that you cut off who potentially might be like your only source of like a social support system but if she's not and if like what we said has like rung true just know that even if she's your only support system right now she's not the best one and there's someone better out there and there's nothing wrong with maintaining a long distance kind of relationship because you like the comfort of someone sending you funny tiktoks like checking with you asking you how you're doing and the second that you have a larger friend circle or chemo is done or you can expand that walking away from this friendship and never looking back like you need to do what

you need to do to get through this yeah i really really really hate her yeah all right let's take a break okay on to the next one hi megan and melissa i'm 27 years old i have she her pronouns and In one month, I'm going to be going to my first work conference in a new city, and I'm very excited. It'll be me, my boss, and four of my coworkers. Three of them are under me and live with leadership priority. I hold a team lead position, so I do have a level of leadership role. I don't have fire and power, and I'm not involved in disciplinary action.

My role is to be a leader, train new staff, be involved in, quote, unquote, big-picture meetings with leadership, and take on extra responsibility as needed. I've been working there for over a year, and I really, really like this job. We're picked at random who can go on the trip, and I was super happy that myself and a couple of other people that I like get to go. However, one of my coworkers, who is a very vocal Trump supporter and a heavy conservative, will be going with us. She's 24, uses she, her pronouns, and has been with the company about six months now. She's one of my coworkers that's considered to be under me. I'm really nervous, honestly, because at work she'll find a way to bring up politics, and I think she thinks we're all on the same page.

I never engage, and I change the subject pretty quick because I don't want to get involved in a political discussion at work. I love my job, and I don't want to be seen as unprofessional in any way, so I just write her off usually and move on with my day. But I find it especially tricky in the leadership position because I know I need to set examples for people. I don't see her often since we work mostly remote and are only required to be in the office once a week, so I'll probably see her twice per month absolute max. However, at this conference, it's like we'll be spending lots of time together in and out of the conference setting, and I'm scared I won't be able to hold my tongue for four days straight. We're flying there as a team, staying in the same hotel, and obviously going to the conference and doing things together afterward. I don't want to avoid everyone altogether because I'm really excited to go and experience the city. I'm also excited because my other coworkers that I'm close to will be there, and I want to spend more time with them.

i'm just afraid that i won't be able to keep my cool being constantly around this other girl and if she brings up politics or just say things that i think are dumb as much as i think she will i'm gonna get angry so any advice or assistance would be appreciated um hopefully i got all the info we need in here thank you so much bye i desperately need to know where you're from and where this work conference is because you sound so excited yeah like it's like fun well i this is why i'm like there has to be a catch like not that like this isn't going to be fun but there has to be a reason why you're so excited that it's going to be so fun well a lot of work conferences it's like they have these like things that like speakers set up and that's not the fun part the fun part

is all the free food and booze after the like that you eat but i mean it probably has to be like a city that you've either never been to that you wanted to go to that's like i like can't imagine that you're in new york city and you're going to a conference in iowa and you're like fuck yeah you just want to get away like if this is my first work conference i'm gonna be excited about it you are yeah i that's because the work conferences that you've been to you're kind of you've kind of been like on stage right like yes but also and it's different in the entertainment so yeah no i yeah so i my question i was gonna ask you is like is it the same feeling as like going to i guess i have to like just take about it not with the it has to be early on so like i guess like playlist

live would have been a work conference like when i was first going and we were stoked because we were just like getting hammered and raging exactly think about it like like you have to go to work but there's like a field trip like the fun field trip of like that's still work but it's work outside of work with the food and the booze you're just getting drunk on someone else's dime and you know networking and which like you're going it's like yeah yeah okay okay that makes a little more sense but i just because i don't have like a normal like job thing so also like a lot of it's not some things are confident not all of it's like free so i'm like well now i'm paying to like hang out with like people that i work with conferences oh it's all free it's all

free oh okay this is exciting you should be paying for it okay okay if it's not all free sorry but it should be all free okay okay that makes more sense to me i'm a little confused how what she's doing is not unprofessional yep me too and my thing is is like i don't think anyone doubts my political affiliation but i i don't i i think since she believes that everyone's on the same page that means that you might be carrying yourself in a conservative way i'd be really and maybe don't like she feels comfortable enough to speak and maybe you know like drop drop this is this goes into like our game that we're gonna where you just drop things like climate change you know just oh it's hot climate change say say say things like that oh i saw that the uk has

approved the new vaccine can't wait to get my next booster which they have so that means we'll probably get it in within the month what else what's another good one there there are some that are like so to me i don't even know how conservatives like bring them up without because i was just like how do you gotta make sure remember to bring my birth control on the trip oh yeah see mine was like i can't even be creative i was just like immigration like i was like i don't even know how you form a sentence about like in i just don't think that's when you can i don't know i mean here's the thing i do agree with you like that like you know laying planting the seeds to show that that's not what you align with i also agree that what you have done in your mind the

goal of it was to shut down and avoid that hasn't worked all that this all that has done is made you a passive participant in this to the point where she thinks you align yourself with her views and I actually don't think that that is like the right approach I understand why that was your initial approach to me from how you're describing this you're like I know if I hear like I'm gonna go off sounds like you're someone who self-identifies as hot-headed in these situations as am I I very much relate to that and so there is a way to shut it down that is professional while making your position really clear and with weaponizing yourself as a victim which is I think what you need to do. So the next time you say, say her name is like Ashley, like she starts

bringing up like Ashley, I'm sorry. It's just, that makes me like supremely uncomfortable. I just, this is a work environment. And I think talking about politics and, you know, not believing in, you know, being against like civil rights or human rights in this, like as, as a woman in the workforce, I'm feeling supremely uncomfortable and unsafe with this conversation. Scare the shit out of her that you are if you if you're a white woman i don't know if you're a white woman me as a white woman this is the time if she is also a white woman she's you've referred to her as this conservative person who has very horrible idea but this is the you know white woman tears bad in 99 of this this is the moment to me where i'm like you need to victimize yourself to her she's

also she's below you if you make this be like oh my gosh that makes me mortify her embarrass her embarrass her so she doesn't do this to anybody else and that is not unprofessional what she's doing is unprofessional and that reaction tells her what she's doing is unprofessional and mentioned that it makes you uncomfortable and feel unsafe as a you can even specifically say as a progressive woman in the workforce and that's what it is because you're not making your position clear by shutting it down a lot of those people could talk to a fucking cardboard box about it like they actually are not they're talking to talk and i do think that you should like i don't know what position you have i don't know if you're at a company that is like large and has an hr department

or if you have like an hr if there's like um they go through a certain you know organizations that do when you have like these are those like educational videos you have to watch about like employee interpersonal training yeah that stuff like if you have like a handbook that you were given or if there's an online resource like looking about how your company whether they have their own specific standards or they align themselves with a specific kind of this was the education that we gave for hr for our employees and all of that how they view speaking about politics in the workplace because the professional thing to do is if she is speaking about this which is not considered an okay thing especially to work conference with our other people who are

not specifically from your location, your job. There are other people there. She's representing the company. I would, before you even go on the trip, I would just pop your head into HR's office. Like, hey, can I pick your brain really quickly for a second? I don't want to get into like names or anything.

I'm not actually sure if this is against our policy at the office, but I just want to make sure that I am on the same page, that we're all on the same page before I go to this conference because I know I'm not just representing myself as an employee.

I'm representing the company there and I want to make sure that I'm doing so like adequately. I do want to know what our belief system is and our protocol in talking about politics with co-workers and or to a volume level where other people could overhear, even just talking about the co-workers and or potentially talking about it with other people who are involved at this conference. There's been someone on my team who I work with who very frequently talks about politics.

My approach, which I've just been doing, I'm not sure if that's the right one. I've just been like walking away from the situation, but I've grown increasingly uncomfortable to the point now where I am a little concerned if someone overheard her saying this during the conference, or if she mentioned it to somebody else at the conference, but I'm not, it's not my place obviously to discipline. And I'm also not sure if that's something that is, we're very okay with personal politics being spoken about in the office while on company time with the name tags, with like the companies, all of that stuff.

I just, I want to know if this is something that I should be reporting this person to you and like letting you know, but I also, if this is okay, I don't want to be overstepping. And I think if you have HR, I think that's like a great way to go about it. That's actually really smart. I do think that walking away from the situation does not make, you're doing that to like protect yourself from like blowing up at her, but it doesn't actually stop her from doing that. And it, it also does not make you look great. Like your company might be like incredibly progressive and they are not okay with people having and spewing like, I mean, at this point, most conservative shit is hate speech in the office and knowing that she's doing that without saying anything to somebody else and also just

kind of walking away it can make you look like a guilty bystander in that sense like and i don't think that you want to be associated with that and the best way to not be associated with someone is to put that on someone else yeah and be like here you go her she's your problem now yeah true good call look at me hr making moves can i just say one of the greatest not insults but like the commentary that comes from love island is the greatest thing in the entire world but once girl specifically danika was on love island and she didn't have the greatest chat she was a little stiff and someone on twitter which they've run with it everyone talks about it it's she's associated with this they said danika moves like hr and she's like embracing it now and she goes

you know what that's fine I'll move like HR like maybe a little stiff like she was in a long-term relationship and had never like since high school and like just broke up and she's in her early 20s now I feel like I know a little bit more about HR because they're saying that she talks like HR and I was like I feel like I understand HR a little bit more Love Island is an educational program Coco get it she can laugh with you I can't Coco I gotta hear who you loved this season who you hated oh my god i just i need to know i need to know your thoughts and opinions with jemma potentially getting the plt deal and not india yeah coco if india doesn't get the peel i will riot uh-huh jemma needs like yeah an express deal a white house black market something

with sensible trousers yeah she got thanks a little that was one of my stores and just want to know that as I was saying that I go Melissa's gonna identify with when I was in college no Gemma you would love how she dresses yep and there's nothing wrong with how she dresses she is 19 years old homecoming court we were in slacks oh if I'm in high school no college because we had you were it's like business casual and we walked out in the field but I had a white why is there homecoming court in college because we had a football team same thing what we had a football team what does homecoming have to do what does homecoming court have means that alumni come back home so but why do we have a court that i think it was probably because at when it was established

women couldn't be didn't play sports and so they're like we got to get the women involved in this somehow and so they started having the court for it but do you have men on the court as now but i don't think they used to oh so who votes on that the school did oh everyone's just like smart 20 000 people it wasn't smart well then how do they even know who you are yeah but how is the school oh you meant these your student the students yeah i thought you meant like the board of trustees is picking names off of a list because they know them no no no wow you get nominated so you get nominated by one of the student organizations and another girl in my sorority wanted to run for the sorority so then i had my favorite fraternity nominate me so they

nominate well they they asked because i was like well no i mean i was miss black and gold like they're like yeah exalted in their fraternity and so then they said well we want to nominate you for homecoming court and i said great so then i got nominated i had to like send my resume and answer some questions and then the board of you went to college in an mtv reality show the students like um that were like the presidents and i was president of mphc so i had to recuse myself from voting so the vice president was so official and so then they voted on like the people that moved for it for first round who did and then like the student like all the clubs at the school get get a vote okay since i was president i had to recuse myself yeah so the vp so then

that first round was like getting voted upon just like on paper and then you after that thing you got to move on and then the second round was interviews that you had with the student body and so they asked you like about your life what you plan to do with life and then like there was like questions about the university because you have to have school spirit to be on court too and then that got nominated down and then the third is tyra at the final level no the football team so i had to go to a bunch of men with thick necks yes yeah so then i got interviewed by the football players and the coaches and like i literally sat in front of all of them it was the seniors because it's for senior stuff so i had to sit in front of all of them and they asked

me questions and stuff and i was like i never fucked any of y'all so this might not work in my favor but it might work because now you have the potential to fuck then i got chosen and they got narrowed down probably like a hundred people got narrowed down to five so what do you get recognition that's obscene that's actually obscene you get to be in the parade so you have to ride in a convertible and then wave at people and then you they call your name at the football game that has thousands of people there but so did your high school and your well it was way more though way more then your parents your parents are also involved so they like announce you at the football game over the loudspeaker and you're who your parents are and

then they walk you onto the field and um you also get to just like sit on the field during the game because and then everybody's like like little girls think you're like a princess i had no idea this happened in college wow before we get into dumpling them i do think this is a great opportunity to comment on the instagram if your college had a homecoming court i would love to know if your college is more like melissa's or if it was more like mine where it's a lot of decrepit rundown houses where people are making drugs and you know rogue police officers shooting up as well as sweltering heat and just barf yeah anyways should we play don't blame them we should don't blame them is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining

to a call we had played on a previous episode maybe you have personal experience um maybe you agree with what we said maybe you disagree with what we said or you just have your own insight of something that we didn't mention that you feel like might be helpful or productive for the original caller or our listeners. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm a longtime listener and I love the podcast. I'm calling in for a Don't Blame Them for your most recent episode

addressing the caller who had a boyfriend without a high school diploma. I agreed with what you all said, but I just had some perspective to add. I have some similar experiences. I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 32. I've been with him for five years and we met at work.

At age 28, he hadn't graduated from college yet. He has a chronic illness, Crohn's disease, and has been hospitalized a number of times throughout undergrad and failed enough classes that he was on academic probation. And then he just never finished his last two makeup credits. When he first told me, he was so nervous to come clean that I thought he was going to tell me he cheated. This has been a huge source of shame and anxiety for him on top of his already stressful health situation. He has since graduated, but it required a lot of reassurance on my part that I loved him for who he was and not for his degree. He has very low self-esteem when it comes to school and a healthy dose of trauma as well. I did have to help him through making a few phone calls to the university to get enrolled in online school,

but I wouldn't consider that mothering, just being a supportive partner. He is now working towards going to nursing school, but I anticipate it's going to be a long uphill battle for him, given his health history and anxiety around schooling. I, as his partner, am okay with this. I'm in medical school and I'm very type A, so I have enough drive for the both of us. He has been my main support through my ups and downs, my stressful schooling, and just being an overall wonderful and sensitive partner. I tell you all this to ask you to introspect about why you feel your boyfriend not having a degree is such a deal breaker for you. What is it that you want from a partner?

Is it drive? Is it a higher level of education? It's okay to want those things, but you may never get them from your boyfriend. Because even if your boyfriend does succeed in graduating from high school, he might not ever become an academic, and you need to be okay with that if you stay together. He probably has a lot of trauma around schooling, and that's going to require therapy to unpack. And I would like to add that there is a component of the patriarchy in here as well. People often comment that I'm more driven or traditionally successful than my partner. I've learned to just let it roll off me, but it does signal the ways in which we find men valuable often correlate with their status or financial contributions to relationships.

I'm not saying that's how you think, but it's just some food for thought. Be gentle and tread lightly when you talk to him about this subject. do your best to be non-judgmental he may need a healthy dose of therapy before he's ready to tackle school again good luck yeah solid yeah i think there's like a very huge huge difference between like mothering your partner and having your partner express the things something that they want to do and then asking what are the steps how i how can i help you achieve that and you know sometimes like administrative stuff like making phone calls or scheduling things that can be like for me specifically that's like very helpful and it's just working towards a

common goal but it's not having you can't have a goal for somebody else yeah yeah i mean i also don't think that there's anything wrong with like conceptually saying that you want a partner with higher education but i think like she's saying like saying i think it's a good like why what does that mean to you because i think that we have a lot of there's a practical aspect of like capitalism and financial security and that aspect but then there yeah is a lot of like oh what do what do i think of when i think of somebody who doesn't have a high school degree or a college degree and like what do i picture when i picture what that person looks like and what do i picture that person's intelligence level as and like why do i assume that that person

hasn't finished school or you know whatever that is because a lot of it is like really outdated because like i don't think that moths ever was like yeah i want to date i like he's very academic like i don't think he ever in his life i think he probably would have put on his short list of things like that automatically someone who's like called like you know it would be assumed like someone who like has a higher like education but yeah that's i mean that was like an assumption yeah my end too was like it feels like a given kind of it's a yeah it does feel like a given like somebody finishes high school somebody finishes college and that's not the case and especially moving here to la i was like oh that's and i thought towards my senior year i was like

oh this is bullshit anyway and then when i moved here and saw i was like and even like when i went to UCLA to study film and stuff I was just like if I would have started here I wouldn't be here you know yeah like there's no sense of me going to film school after I already have a degree if I had already started studying film before and it's not like you could pick someone out of a crowd that's like oh they didn't go I can tell especially working in our industry no not at all but I do think we usually equate that with drive and like and it's not it's not and I I think that you know that has been i'm not going to speak for moths but i do think that like my less traditional route of like education and then like job or whatever has like i think it does you skew that

and you realize like oh college and that stuff is that's pretty inconsequential when i'm associating that with characteristics and ethic like someone's like morals when those are like not the same things at all yeah you know so anyways that's it wonderful we hope you all enjoyed we certainly did we really did what are there's so much that is getting cut out we spoke for what like two and a half hours 6 30 right now you're fucking kidding me nope god damn wow what a day what a day if you enjoyed the episode please go leave us a review we would appreciate it immensely yeah we don't have any new ones and that's your fault leave a review if you want to watch the video version of the podcast head on over to patreon you can also just support the podcast by becoming a patron

we also do live streams twice a month they're so fun great way to have some social connection without you know covid connecting but uh you know you know what i'm saying you know what i'm saying if you need some advice we know you do sexual funny give us some of the like we love we we always want to help in like the real intense stuff too but like where are the people who fucks twin brothers like give us some crazy wild juicy drama giggly wild stuff we we need some of that in my life do you remember peak covid and we were angry because this was peak covid but that girl that like fucked somebody in the barn yeah come back and then fucked like his cousin or something in the house if you're vaccinated welcome back like i want to know some more stuff

i want that stuff included and like i don't know if people i think we mentioned it before but like we were very adamant on not taking any calls that involved like people breaking like covid guidelines and all of that um as we do not endorse the cdc covid guidelines but vaccines have been readily available and so we're give us your calls yeah we're okay with it now if you've been to an orgy give us a call tested before great i mean to be fair i think i mean they do those people who are regularly testing that they do i was gonna say i feel like i know for a fact too it's probably because you told me it yeah sick anyways not that i went i just know somebody that went this bitch this bitch i'm dying at the fucking idea that of all of the things

they like you're like no i'm not gonna like not safe not safe not safe it's like taking some precautions and then you're like the first thing you did when you were like okay i'm right you went to get a massage and the idea that like you would be massage next order business or to me as i'm like before i pick like they're like what do you mean yeah that's a lot of people that is that's i know some people that just go and watch i can't even watch people kiss on tv like how they just have sex with their partner but they watch everybody else i know no shade to anyone else like i literally can't even watch people kiss on tv i get so uncomfortable you want to know something weird what and i didn't know it was weird until i had vocalized it as a

child i was like i really like watching people kiss the fuck up your parents your broker i told megan my sister oh then she was like okay horny yeah well she i mean she's younger so she didn't get it but you were corrupting her give me a little tingles i don't know what that was then that's actually so fucking funny yeah i have the exact opposite but i like never even put two and two together that like my therapist was like why do you think that is and i was like oh damn bitch okay but because i was like it doesn't really like affect me if i see like a gay couple on tv like kissing or anything like that she's like and so and i was like oh my god everything is childhood trauma i was like fucking hell i was like whatever no but i did watch to be fair if

It gets, like, intense with any, I'm very uncomfortable. But, like, you know, I'm, like, I can't watch people, like, peck and kiss on The Bachelor. I'm, like, ugh. Well, that's different. First of all, it's performative in a way that, like, they just want to look hot, but they don't. When it's, like, somebody on TV that's supposed to be, like, acting, it's a different type. I just need to know that they kiss, and I'm, like, great. And then I can't watch anymore.

It makes me so uncomfortable. People are, like, do you watch porn? I'm, like, do you think I can watch porn? We saw the photograph together, right? Yeah. Okay. I remember when we were in the theater and you were like, no way she just came. His hands are visible.

Because we were like the only ones there. We were just us. Matt and Mae showing. Okay. The end. Yeah. Goodbye. Bye.

Bye. don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso Thank you.