Don't Blame Me! - Boyfriend Won't Get High School Diploma

Episode Date: August 8, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Returning to working in an office Friend not supporting your move Mental health and hybrid working Supporting your boyfriend who hasn't finished high school Don't Blame Them: Compulsory Heterosexuality Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello motherfuckers wow why would you talk to our listeners like that i mean really mean you're such a mean girl i must be compensating for something in your life uh yeah my stunning personality like i'm not gonna be like no you gotta have some edge to you oh my god speaking of mean girl this is so funny so my friend emily posted a tiktok of like it was like the caption something like the golden era or whatever and it was like og youtube like imats like we were all like children and one of the girls i'm not gonna name this you can go to emily you can figure out who i'm talking about emily june head on over to her tiktok give her some engagement go follow her she's a wonderful skincare brand i love her to death but there's one person in there that lots

people are commenting like oh my god that person like whatever happened to them i do not remember them and i commented on it and i go still trying to figure out why she blocked me and someone commented back and was like i don't blame her you always gave off mean girl vibes and i was like for sure liked it you know here's the thing people think that i am like mean and i will say that like this is like whoever someone left a review once where it was like i'm in my like cunt era or my bitch era or whatever like this is like the evolution like this was not how i was born like life brought i have been molded to this way and like this is i hope we all achieve crotchety angry yelling asshole old person before we've gone gray like why are we waiting

until the the the the sunset the winter of our life to like really tap into that energy to your realness yeah it's a shame why wouldn't i embrace that sooner give myself more years with that attitude right because when you don't have that attitude it's more like you're just pretending uh-huh and that's i'm not a faker welcome to don't blame me starring princess diana and do you want to be princess diana or do you want to be someone else i want to be a princess mia thermopolis so their name was uh wait give me the full name i don't know it Amelia Mignonette Rinaldi

Rinaldi Thamopolis Princess of Genovia She's a queen now though, right? I guess In the second movie she becomes queen I don't know because I don't feel like they killed Julie Andrews No, you're right

I don't want to talk about Julie Andrews aging Yeah, that one will hit That one's Right now, my top have been rbg and chadwick and betty white very sad yes but betty white like i didn't watch i didn't watch like golden girl or and that stuff like yeah i watched mary tyler moore and golden girls and like i watched a lot of that old stuff that used to be on nick at night and so yeah she was a constant part even though i wasn't alive when she was on a lot of that stuff she was still

constant part of my childhood yeah shit's sad okay wow let's really just change the subject and pivot to like some fun stuff what did you get up to this weekend i went to a pool had some fun little funsies in the sun i was on i did have fun actually it was overcast so not really it's true it was pretty it was very overcast on saturday and then sunday i went to a ping pong tournament what the fuck hosted by allison braskin of course i'm less shocked now i was like did you go to a celebrity ping pong no no no no no but it was a lot of people there was a whole like scoreboard thingy like a tournament bracket and she and her boyfriend of course won because they practice at home so well yeah why would you host an event if you're

not gonna win the event right exactly that checks out to me and it fits her that the uh winner got a very large bottle of hand sanitizer i love that but since they want they were one and two they beat he beat her but also she had a has a knee injury so yeah i feel like that was actually really rude of him to beat her that's pretty fucked up then they had like a playoff between three and four for who would get the big sanitizer and the smaller sanitizer so we had a eventful weekend and i'm not gonna name drop matz's mom's name in case she doesn't want it on the podcast but if you are listening just to turn off this is not like a sexual thing at all but this was something it was a homeowner thing that mots and i were quite embarrassed about and i know for a

fact he does not want you to know that we did this why don't you just say it's a sexual thing so she will for sure cut off it's fair okay let's pretend it's a sexual thing we'll keep all of this in just just just don't listen or if you do we will we will exchange a knowing glance but do not bring it up to him you listened but you didn't hear yeah exactly exactly you are not to hear what i'm saying so our house is built in 1940 it's very old i love it so much it's the reason why we got it is that's all these like original features it's like our dream exactly what we wanted and for the longest time if you've been watching my vlogs i have been trying or waiting for us to install curtains in our bedroom the first time we did it i fucked up and had mods

hang them way too low and they just didn't look good and so he had to patch the holes spackle them paint and then we did them over and so then we did them higher and as like you know mutts like took a break he went to go get lunch with a friend and i was like really adamant i was like change your clothes like you've been like doing work stuff and like wash your hands like and i was really big on us both wearing like eye protection and masks when we were doing this someone fucking like responded to my story and they were like take that mask off you fucking idiot and i'm like what do you think that people only wear masks for covid like the do you think woodworkers don't wear what you're a fucking idiot you're all trying to breathe in this shit like

you're so this is so stupid but so like there was a part in my brain that like you know knew that we have lead paint and that we should be taking those like precautions but it was so it was just the quietest little voice in the back of my head that was saying that so we didn't look up ahead of time like how to you know drill a hole when you have like lead paint like the whole thing with lead paint is if it's undisturbed similar to asbestos if it's undisturbed it's fine like that's why you can paint over lead paint you don't have to like strip it and repaint like it's you just have to paint over it and you're fine and the exception does come from lead paint dust which is when it gets through all of it and you do end up disturbing it and so we had done

all of this it was like sweaty we were hot like it had just been a whole day of this shit they're also not totally even and i'm like you know what it has to be fine like we i have to be okay with and I am and so as we're getting ready to clean it up um Moss is like about to go out with the broom and I go hold on hold on I'm gonna like read a little bit because it's not like normal like dust dust like it's kind of like it's a little bit more like sawdust because it also goes through like the plaster on the walls and so it's just a little bit thicker and I was like I don't know if we should be doing this in our vacuum like I don't know dust is a really it has it's a it's a thing and so i look it up and there's this like 13 page la city protocol on

how to do this and we have done none of it like we have done none of the precautions because now i'm like paranoid from so here's the thing it's when it comes to like the actual like harm and fear of it i did a lot of research because mons is a little bit of a hypochondriac and so he's already getting like really fucking worried and i like was researching and the reason why lead paint uh lead poisoning was like predominant years and years ago was the lead paint that we had in homes was one of the many factors of lead that was everywhere so like leaded gas so like it was in absolutely everything and so it also takes a long time of heavy constant exposure it takes years of constant heavy exposure to show that there and it's having lead paint now in our houses

we would also have to have constant heavy exposure in so many other areas that like is not how we operate anymore in order to develop it and also the time the only people it really affects uh are kids and people who are pregnant and so you know that that's like it's we're not like the the groups that are like the most susceptible to it but i did see this thing on reddit that like someone was like freaking out about a similar thing and the person was like and like you can go get a lead test like at the doctor they can like run it like you'll you without a doubt be fine like at this point like because i showed the picture of the lead dust pile he goes you probably have to snort that in order for it to like actually affect anything at this like it's

not as much as it is but so then we like had to go to we like didn't which there's not a lot of prep work done and that is a constant thing that the conversation like it's i need to mods and i both need to compromise he is a like power through let's get this done like i'm gonna figure it out by doing it sort of thing and i'm someone who like i want to research every possible outcome i want to research everything to the point where like i'm paralyzed by so much information that i can't even start it like i can't use a sticker because i'm like well i have to figure out where i put the sticker like and then i put the sticker here and then it's probably like i have a hard time with that so like we both have to compromise and like that we need to do just enough research that we

can feel confident to then execute said task but like we didn't strip the bed we had like all of our clothes we had been like walking around the house with it like it had been like our tools we didn't shut close the windows we didn't like tape off the doors like our rug was just kind of like pushed back a little bit and so we had to like go to target like right before it closed we both like hopped in the shower threw everything in the like the washer and we had to like buy special detergent that has like all of this shit in it and we had to do like all of that and like change the sheets and it was an ordeal and monsters like essentially convinced that we were going to wake up the next morning and we were both going to have like two heads and like be like completely

turned into monsters well the reason i asked is because you know the whole debacle with my ceiling saying my house was built in the 40s as well and there's still like i know most of the remnants are from him sanding when they came and fixed it and it was sanding and like patching the other yeah that's not there anymore but still all that did fall on the ground i would order a lead tet a lead kit like you can order it online or you can get it from a hardware store and then send it to your landlord if it's there and then you should get some um like at least some money off your rent for a bit because that's hazard yeah but it is just it was just one of those things that like the little again if we were inside out that little that small part of my brain

that is about remembering things and reason that usually does not exist was there just so quietly whispering into my head and it was just overpowered by the rest of it so that was our wildly eventful day and i'm gonna add this to my to-do list i naturally broke out in hives i don't think from touching the pain I think just from anxiety about it which is a thing that obviously happens to me in general so but I kept telling months because he was like so like upset with himself and I kept being like of all of the things for us to like it's inevitable as new homeowners I mean I think when you do anything new like parents like you move you travel you do anything for the first time like you're going to mess up like it's inevitable that you're not you don't learn

unless you make mistakes and I was like all of the things for us to like make mistakes for this is one with the least consequences like if this isn't like asbestos which is like not about a long period of time and like constant heavy exposure like this there's a lot of other things that could have been worse but we're just waiting for the curtains to come back from the dry cleaner and maybe we got a little bit of lead poisoning but I will now not have the sun blaring into my face in the morning and that is priceless okay but it did make me feel better when someone said you literally would have to snort at this point in our life in like how much lead there because there used to be lead in like skillets and spatulas and like all the cooking

utensils and in our water and our pipes and our gasoline and so they were like paint was like the thing that they regulated that is still in like still is in houses now and so like that's why we hear about it like all the other factors were eliminated like as a whole so that's why yeah anyways that was our weekend and i guess i should introduce you to what the show is it's an advice show and you might be wondering how are these two visionaries muses absolute 10 out of 10 straight hotties how are they also so smart when they're so hot like how is that fair first of all it's not fair it's not i'm not sorry i can't even say i'm sorry but like you're right it's a burden it's it's like it's a full-time job to be honest that you get all the benefits but no no like

there's no pay no there's no you don't get health care with it but we're still putting in the work existing uh-huh existing in these bodies with well i was gonna say these asses you're with dad ass at you with i got i got long legs these legs i was gonna say them legs though them legs and these these brains and some might say we should be walking around with caution signs caution hazardous material will make you jizz your pants um we are qualified because we fucking said so and this is a podcast and why do we have to defend our qualifications when men get up here and claim that they are alpha men when in reality they are just virgins who can't drive we will be taking no further questions except the calls that you have

and the entire premise of this podcast so you call in you leave a voicemail and you tell us happening in your life that you would like are wise wise advice from for but you know i didn't say that i was good at grammar i just said i was hot and big brained and you know sometimes big brains there's some dead space there's some dead air there's some like useless dormant parts and that's okay so if you want to call in give us a ring a ding leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at megapodcast at gmail.com we go over this in every episode so if you listen all the time i'm so sorry but not at all because you get to hear a different variation of how i say it but you got to let us know your age if you

would like to let us know your pronouns the other people involved in the story please do we keep it all anonymous we do ask that you write everything down all of the information the more information we have we can give you like the best advice possible but you only have three minutes so write it down then pull out your phone or a sundial and time out how long a sundial would not be accurate okay what's that thing hourglass i get them mixed up i don't know why maybe because they're two words sundial hourglass they both do tell time it's just that the sundial is not gonna to be in seconds you got to get a new age sundial i got the apple sundial xl do you see they have a car coming out i don't know why in a society where we have watched and championed the very

rightful success of the transformers franchise we would willingly get into these robot cars without interviewing and making sure that they are like bumblebee and they are good transformers i just don't get it yeah anyways someone made on reddit made a joke that this will be the first apple product with windows and it made me chuckle that's good you know moths would love that joke that is funny let me just stop touching my boobs speaking of i know it's just who you are just touch them if anybody wants to see but it's like when you're just like not masking watch the video versions of this podcast because I forget that people watch this and I am just I I am not shielding anything like I'm just I'm doing the weird thing I do with

my mouth and when I put my top lip up to my nose like I'm doing all the things and I'm also touching titties but mine exclusively I I want to say that I feel like when I watch the video back i feel like people think that like i'm looking at my phone all the time but my phone is over here i am pressing my nails into my legs so i can see the little marks that it makes i'm not looking at my phone so i just want to give that that as well anybody ever wanted to have a seminar on like what quote-unquote active listening is you just see us fiddling around doing everything and then our face is just going huh what just it's all we're just constantly giving the facial expressions so okay under three minutes write it down time it out uh to make sure because you have

to be under three minutes or else you will be cut off and that is for both the uh phone call as well as the audio message we just will not use or choose that audio message has to be three minutes so practice a couple times and then when you call or record literally just read just read you don't have to ad lib like you don't you don't have to do any of that have to be 18 or over or have your parents permission if you're going to be upset with some of the advice that we give you if you call in please then go leave a review on the podcast app and make it abundantly clear that you are the caller who's upset because that's always a good time and leave it twice but under different names but write in the same way and start it the same way about how you've been

following megan forever and give like context clues that you um think make it seem that it's not you but then actually narrow it down to one person and then make it abundantly clear to uh cross-reference the information and see that you know you're very honest in your call and i commend you for that and it is shown in your digital footprint thank you thank you thank you so much And if you want to be mad at anyone, you're more than welcome to be mad at us. But if you want to come for the lovely humans in our Facebook group, I will rip you to shreds. I will. I will.

I will. Because the good people of that group and those active members and participants, they care about people. They are invested in people's lives. They want happiness and success. and if you cannot if you can dish it and you cannot take it and then you take your anger out on those lovely humans i will rip your asshole open into then you are two halves of one person all right i hope that was a good visual for all of you people are like what the fuck they can figure it out oh yeah and i'm also like she's gonna

pretend that she's not listening anymore and i'm like and that's always happening for i am done next time i can't believe you would talk about me like that oh i thought you were done i thought you stopped listening where are you still here yeah you lost we don't have an update because they were unavailable and unprofessional just joking they're gonna be so upset they sent the most professional email melissa's reading it and i was like oh my holy yeah do you work in hr like this is like it was so it was so good and we're like we're the most unprofessional people all right here we go hi megan and melissa i'm 27 she her and I've worked for the corporate office of a national retailer for about five years now.

I've been promoted three times so far. I actually really enjoy the creativity I have in my current role. I have good benefits and just earned an extra week of vacation for being here five years. And my boss is actually great. My problem is that when COVID happened, they sold our old office and relocated to a smaller one that does not fit everyone. At that time, we were told we needed to get a permanent home office set up because we would never be going back to full-time in the office. We would be hybrid once COVID restrictions and stuff loosened up and it was safer for us to go in. So I spent a lot of money to get like a comfortable desk chair at desk, all of that stuff. And I actually was able to work with my doctor to stop taking my antidepressants because working

from home was such a game changer for my mental health and work-life balance. In April, they got more strict on our hybrid schedule, and since then, we've been required to be in office on a two-day, three-day week schedule. We were told the last week that beginning in September, we will be required to come into the office full-time every day of the week, but they're not able to confirm if we will have permanent workspaces. They just keep telling us there's plenty of seating areas available. By that, they mean in our cafe and the couches and chairs they set up on each floor of the office. Because my position and many of my colleagues' positions are associate manager levels and creative roles, we require more than one screen to work efficiently. If I'm sitting at

a couch, which I don't even do at home, I can't do that. Whenever I bring this up, I'm told to wait it out and see what happens because once we are all in office, they'll see that it's not going to work. I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and that I've been lied to for two years being told that we did great transitioning to work from home and that we would be permanently working hybrid and now i'm just not sure if i should wait it out and see or if i should look for another job really don't know what to do so if you guys could give any advice that would be great and i appreciate it i love you guys and your podcast both of them look for a new job here's the thing like with large corporations the people that are making

these decisions decisions are usually the people that aren't there day to day and so the people that you're talking to that are saying you know wait it out and see i believe that they are well aware that this is not going to work but they can't say it because they're not allowed to say it and will probably get in trouble if they actually say it. And so the wait it out and see is they, they don't want to be there either. So what they're doing is, is that they're doing exactly what they're saying. They're saying, we're going to try this for a week and it's going to fail. And we're going to show the people upstairs essentially that aren't really up there that we can't do this and we're going to go home and so regardless i think that you should look for a new

job but corporate because at first i was going to ask is this a um office located in my hometown because they were doing a similar thing but i know that they are actually building new offices and aren't selling their old offices but they kind of did the same thing too and then once people got there then they were like okay this was wrong and then changed how things were done and I think with any big company it's going to be more of the same thing unless it is a job that is specifically full-time work for home and that's what you're hired to do so if and I think you should I think people that work in corporate America should be moving from company to company anyway because that's how you actually like move up because once if you're you stay at the same company then you

get like good at that job and they don't want you to actually move away from that into but they do love when you leave and you get more skills and then come back and so I do think you know look for a new job but if you do wait it out it will most likely turn into you guys working from home anyway yeah i mean so i i agree with that i think that you can only know what your what the men the corporate mentality is if they've ever said like we're all gonna get through this together we're a family kind of thing the thing with places going back uh people going back into offices like full time and i can only talk with this in like proxy from like friends and stuff who've done this like I obviously am not in like corporate America, but a lot of the narratives for subpar working

conditions have been, this is a learning experience for all of us. And like, we're all making adjustments and we're all doing blah, blah, blah. And it's coming from like man behind the curtain talking who like is completely unaffected by this, but it's trying to do the, we are family, we're rallying together as like an excuse to set your expectations and your standards lower for your job without any adjustment on like your schedule or like your pay or things like that and so I mean the biggest thing that sticks out to me is like you said that this has been working from home has been like the biggest game changer with your mental health and that is something that like only you can know what you're you and your doctor like together like having a conversation about

what is your bandwidth I think that you should start looking for a new job and I don't think you necessarily should rush or accept a job that you like don't really like or doesn't really interest you or intrigue you or really you really want like just to get one before the September I don't think you should do that I think you should be very intentional like with it and only get a new job if it's something that you if it excites you like if you would like would rather do anything in your power to stay where you are and like stay at this company then I think that like you can only know for your mental health what is that threshold in that time period of figuring this out because they're trying to figure out what works for them with a work-home hybrid or

just in the office thing but you know what works for you and this has worked for you and so I at this point would just reach out and just be like i i don't know what kind of contract um you have or what you're it's a contract right you don't have well if you're a car if you're an employee then you don't you most likely don't have a contract yeah so then i would have like a sit down with your boss and just be like this is i know where you're at i know where like the goals are of the company and they're moving out like this is my goal i want to work from home and if I'm not able to work from home full time, I want to work, I would like to do a hybrid kind of thing. And I think you just need to figure out what is your threshold for what you can do. Because I

think, agree with Melissa, like, I do think it's inevitable that they will see that it doesn't work. And if you're, if your company has shown previously that they are receptive to employee feedback, if it takes them until like, I hate that shit, where I'm just like, I know my job better. and I know what I need better than anyone else. So like, if you can't anticipate what I need based on me telling you that, you have to see it for yourself. That's infuriating, but it is kind of just the hoops

that like you have to jump through and things that happen. So if you have faith that like, they are receptive to this stuff once they see it in practice, I think that you need to then have like a, maybe a conversation with your boss of being like, for September, once we start in September, I am gonna like,

or you don't even have to have it with your boss, like with yourself, like I'm going to give it a month. That's what I can do. That's what my doctor and I've decided. And I'm going to work full time in the office for a month. And if they're not able to figure it out, then, then I am going to just start more actively pursuing other job opportunities. And I'm going to try and do more work from home part time. But I always think in general, when a corporation or any job, whether a big company or small company is kind of calling the shots and saying what they're going to do if you are in good standing at your company i don't think it can ever hurt for you to ask for some like more specifics or some more clarity from

someone directly and let them know like what you're looking for and where you're at they might not cater to it or change anything but i do think that like expressing that and saying that that's something you're interested in it keeps in people's minds so if they're like oh shit we have we are way too overcrowded i remember that they like let's just say your name is lauren i remember that lauren had mentioned that time you can even just be like hey i know that it's going to be pretty crowded for a while if you are if we're going back to hybrid at any point or if you need a longer rollout and you can't have everyone in the office at any point i am loving working from home i'm so much happier i'm so much more productive you can have me be the very last

one in like if you ever need someone to work from home like i can do that so then if something occurs and comes up that's in the back of their head of someone that they know wants this kind of thing i don't think intentionally communicating stuff with your superior who is someone you have like a trust if it's someone you have a trusted relationship with i think just communicating something that you would like to see and hope for without like demanding for it and expecting it i do think that it doesn't really do any harm and that they can potentially i don't know everyone and i know who's had to go back to work when they've done like full office then they've been like dialing back and they do reach out they start with the people who they know prefer to work

from um home and i also do have a little bit of a sensitivity about this because i do have a fear that usually creatives get fucked in these situations because people don't know what goes into creative jobs and so yeah having multiple monitors that is something you need you need ample workspace you need like all this other stuff and if you usually the creative departments at corporations even if they're like creative based companies like the finance and will be a larger department usually than the creatives even if it's a creativity based thing and those people will usually be an afterthought and kind of pushed into a corner when in reality like the resources that they need aren't necessarily conducive with a typical like nine to five cubicle job so i think

i do get worried that if they haven't been meeting your needs before i don't know that they're going to do it now when they feel like they can play victim to a pandemic yeah but i'm my friends who work in like creative spaces in more of like the corporate world like melissa said like switching companies can be really good especially when you've been at one place for a long time you kind of have a not even just like creative anything oh yeah yeah totally i don't know many people who aren't creatives but like you have a specialty and you have a niche and that not only like well like getting a new job in like a new field not only like expand your marketability for future jobs and like your pay and all of that but also like it's way less monotonous and like

you you know that it's nice to be able to switch things up and might make something a little more fun and exciting and you could for a new job you can negotiate in your contract i'm gonna work from home I will come into the office like once a month or I will come into the office for reviews I'll come into the office for blah blah blah but you can get that stuff in writing and I think that applies like anyone who's like found that their current working conditions like working from home has been like a lot better I think if you're at a place where you can look for a new job I always think it's better to negotiate what you know works for you versus hoping that like other people anticipate what works for you and that aligns with what they want to do you got to like protect

your mental health and your physical health in like the workforce and i don't like the responsibility that is on like us as individuals but i i think that you you have if you have the ability to like kind of craft it around what works best for you you should do it i agree all right next call hi melissa and megan i'm calling in regards to my best friend let's call her bella bella is 22 when is a she-her problem. I am also 22 and a she-her problem. Here's a little background information on the situation. My partner and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. We have been doing long distance and have visited each other consistently over the course of the relationship. In long distance relationships, it is important to make a goal or an end date for

the distance. We have discussed where I live and where she lives and have come to the conclusion that it would be most beneficial to reside where she is from. I live in a small city in the Midwest and she lives in a big well-known city. I feel like I could grow as an individual in her city as well as have both of us grow in our careers. This is where my best friend comes in. She's supportive of my relationship and doesn't disrespect my partner by any means, but every time I try to bring up moving out of the state, she always shuts me down. She always brings up reasons such as it's very expensive, you'll have to start over with making friends, etc. While I understand her concerns, I can't help but feel a little hurt I don't have

her support on such a big decision. If the roles were reversed, I would just want her to be happy at the end of the day. I have thought about some reasons why I think she reacts this way. I know that we are each other's closest friends, and it can be scary to have your closest friend move away. However, I feel like this is a part of growing up. Your friends are going to move away or go on a different path. If the roles were reversed again, I obviously would be devastated, but also extremely excited for her new chapter in life. The advice I'm looking for is how to tell her that I have made this decision and then it will be happening in january of 2023 she's kind of made it impossible to open up to her about these sort of things and i hate that i'm so nervous to tell her i've told

pretty much in my entire family and most of my friends all of which are happy for me and are excited that i will get out of this small city any advice you have for me is greatly appreciated i am sensitive so keep that in mind uh she's a leo and i'm pisces thank you in advance love the show bye-bye oh I mean this is hard like I I feel for your best friend like it just seems like they're sad like they're really sad and they don't know how to put that aside and to me when she's saying things like you're gonna have to start over you're gonna have to make all new friends like that to me is her saying I'm gonna have to start over I'm gonna have to make all new friends like this is it's just prime projecting for me that that's what she's really worried about

in her own life and so I feel like I would be doing you a disservice if I said that I think that like I think it makes sense that like we've said this on here so many times that like long distance relationships need an end date and you know we obviously don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but like you've been dating for a year and a half and then moving for a partner it seems like you do really think this city is gonna like be really good for you and stuff I think like I don't know I feel like we get a lot of calls from like the friend point of view so like maybe like is this something that you do like is this something that like you are do you feel like you're someone who is really independent or do you feel like you're someone

who like really values the opinions of other people around you and like um you're not necessarily proactive in making decisions that put you out of your comfort zone until someone else like brings it up and then you're like oh wow that's a really good idea that's not like a bad quality like trade at all like and i hate when people refer to those kinds of people as like oh you're passive like you're a follower when in reality like those people usually are just people who like live in the moment more and then there are people who are planners and like think about other stuff and then you're like oh cool yeah maybe i do want to move and do this kind of stuff so if this is something that like you say that she really likes your your partner and that they like get along and there's

like nothing no issue with that i think that like if it is just a missing you thing i would spend some quality time together where you're like not talking about the move and you're not doing that stuff and it's not you're spending some quality friendship time together and i think i would schedule that like a good amount and so it doesn't feel like when you're letting her know like i'm gonna be moving january 2023 it doesn't feel like down to every moment up until then this quality time that we have is going to be about me moving and about me and my partner is going to be about about all this stuff because i think like it's you mourn a friendship when you you're you can mourn a friendship when someone like your best friend gets in a relationship

And I think if you are present and you're spending time, good quality time together, I think that that feeling of everything's changing and everything's ending and everything's fleeting, that feels a lot more frantic and a lot more scary when it feels like it's already happening before it's even happened. so I think like before you tell her I would just and maybe you already are spending a lot of time together and then that would be the case that I would just bring it up straight up but I think if you haven't been spending some quality time together I would do that at least once or twice before you bring it up and then make a conscious effort and point to be like I think like I want to make sure that like up until then like we schedule like a weekly date to hang out like we have this to like we have these things like I thought we could take an art class together like doing things that feel like you're fostering a friendship too because a move is a really big

thing and especially moving with a partner out of like state and all of that that I think that that's not even just for your best friend that's for you too and I think you'll she's gonna miss you but I think you'll probably miss her too and if you can spend some quality time together I think that will ease her anxiety and simultaneously prevent some of that like you know natural sadness that you'll have from like leaving as someone who moved around a lot during their childhood i guess moving is just kind of different for me for me i left friends a lot as a kid and this was before social media was around i mean we still had at at a certain point then there was like aol but i i just kind of i kind of see this as like even when i moved to la it was like my

friends were cheering for me and wanting me to succeed to leave and it feels kind of i guess she's like trying to protect herself by projecting these things onto you but it just to me it seems like she's not in your corner like she doesn't want what you want she's kind of trying to rain on your parade and i just i just don't think that's a supportive friend that just doesn't come off well to me and again she might just be projecting and protecting herself but this just doesn't seem like a true friend to me someone that doesn't want to root for your success i wonder if she's never moved and the the caller has do what i mean because like you have very similar like like to me i didn't have any friends who ever moved like and i didn't move and so that

is a much more i don't know like a kind of like scary sort of like final kind of thing but like the way that she's talking about it is similar to kind of like this happens like this is life i wonder if she also had she moved at least once or twice yeah but like even when you moved i guess you and sydney were separated more because you went to different colleges but like even then like did was there anything like where either of you like just disappointed instead of like we know this is going to be different for our friendship but we're not disappointed in it we're rooting for the other one i mean i think that if one of us had gone to school on the east coast that would have been devastating for either one of us like that would have been really really hard but was

like in a way that was like trying to talk you out of it no because we were going through it the same time and like we just didn't really talk about it but I will say like she was not into me dropping out of college like she was really really really opposed to that and that's obviously different because like we're not the same college we're like in different places but you know it's a large change because it's not oh we're coming home for that we're both going back to Marin for the same Thanksgiving breaks and the same Christmas breaks. And it is different, it gets different. And I did definitely like, like live my life for like the first year after I dropped out, like I was in college and like trying to come home during the same time to like not miss

out on what my like high school friends were doing and trying to like have that sense of normalcy. That is also different because it is dropping out of school. But I mean, everyone tried pretty much everyone tried to talk me out of it and I at the time definitely read it as not supportive but as I got older it what it what I realized was like oh you just we don't we fear things that we don't know and like this was not what you did and this is not something that you know and this is also not something that you can give me advice on this isn't something that you can relate to so if like things come up in my life that like that is happening here because I've moved and I'm like living on my own like as an adult in a big city and I'm not in a college

town doing going to the formals and doing the same things that you are I think we can always feel scared by things that we don't know and that when someone takes a path that we're not taking sometimes people might think that you will fail on said path but I think when you succeed or if you succeed on that path it does make people question the path that they're also on and I think that that's I think that could apply here as as well but I don't disagree with you in the sense that like there I think there's even if it's by accident I don't think it's she's being her friends I don't think Bella's being supportive yeah so I think the other moves until I moved to Los Angeles were all with my family but even just in talking about how I was gonna prepare to move

people like a lot of people they're like yeah yeah okay but they didn't think i was actually going to do it until i actually packed my car and left and i think how you tell her is that you just have to tell her like hey i've decided i'm moving i'm leaving in january these are the reason and honestly like to me again to me like her not supporting you I feel like you shouldn't have to give a reason but she's going going to I mean she knows that you're moving you know to be with your partner but also like there's other factors on why you're going to your partner and they're not coming to you and i guess explaining those things for me personally i wouldn't feel a need to explain those things but it's just because of how bella is already reacting i think you're

going to have to in the same way that you made plans with your partner to meet up maybe going about it like hey um you know in like march let's get together for this or like we'll plan to do something again in September or whatever just making future plans to do things together could help or you maybe even like when I move do you want to come with me to like help me move my stuff and help set things up so I think including her is a way to make her feel less hurt but just making sure that you let her know that like we're still going to be friends the situation around our friendship will change but luckily we're in a time where we have face time we can virtually do things we can call each other there's virtual games we can play like just making sure you're

including her in your plans can also help alleviate some of that yeah and like let her know that you're gonna miss her like i think there's a really large emotional aspect about this and like excitement is an emotion and sadness is also emotion and they can also coexist and i think right now, you are really excited, and you're angry and frustrated that she's just sad. But I think at some point, you're also going to be sad. And I think that that's very normal and like very okay. But I think recognizing the full spectrum of emotions and that you're going to be going through them between now through when you move and after you move. And so I think a lot of the time when people are kind of acting out, and we know it's from sadness, a lot of the time people

are doing that and not feeling comfortable just saying hey i'm really sad because they don't think that you're sad and that it can be something like i think being honest with your own like vulnerable and honest with your own emotions can be instrumental in letting other people know that they can also be vulnerable with like their emotions and feel validated in that and so you know when you think about the the feelings behind actions and stuff telling her that you're also going to be sad then you can both just talk about how you're going to be sad together and it doesn't have to be this I'm trying to I'm going to be angry with you and let you know that you've hurt me as opposed because I think that you are consciously that I

think that you were hurting me and you're not going to be sad that you're going to move at all and like this is this is something that you're doing to me when in reality like I don't think you need to be kind of like the strong person who's like I don't think you saying that you're going to be sad and you're going to miss her and you're going to miss parts of like where you are I don't think that negates the choice you should make in moving and I don't think it negates like how excited you are and that this is the right choice for you like those feelings all exist together and I think if you can recognize that with her she might not weaponize those feelings of hurt to you but if she does then that sucks and that this is a friendship that has run its

course that maybe wouldn't have run its course until a couple years from now and she was just not going to be supportive in other life decisions moving forward and this is the time that your friendship is over but i if you don't think that there's ill intent coming from this i think it's just like misdirected sadness and i think there's something really disarming when someone tells you that they're sad about something that you don't think that they're sad about and that you feel like you're the only like one in your emotions for.

And there's something really like comforting about that. And then it's a feeling you can move past. Because if you don't work through sadness, then it just becomes anger and it becomes resentment and it just eats away at you. It's not a fleeting feeling. It's like a stewing feeling. But this is exciting for you.

Yeah, I'm excited for you too. all right uh let's take a break we will be back oh my gosh we're back that was so fun what do i'll do during the break listen to the ads and support it the show did you scratch your nuts did you tighten your ponytail only the right nut yeah fuck that left nut okay roll the tapes hey megan and melissa um first off love the podcast and i really want to get y'all's thoughts on this um this should be pretty fast i am switching jobs and becoming a freelance audio engineer and i just really would love y'all's thoughts and advice on what you guys do to keep

yourself productive when you don't have a normal nine-to-five job especially because i have adhd like megan and sometimes i do struggle with um type of fixation but then also sometimes i struggle with motivation and i would just love to hear y'all's thoughts and anything would be really helpful thank you guys first uh send me your resume second i'm not joking uh second the thing for me is that i used to try to be have like be very regiment about my work days like you know wake up at nine and do X, Y, and Z and blah, blah. That's all part of like the way that corporate jobs or jobs that take place in offices try to brainwash you. And I've learned now that I, depending on the day, I might want to work differently. And I think just allowing yourself

to have the flexibility if you don't have like a set meeting for that day i make to-do lists every single day or i make them at the beginning of the week and then purse out the things that i need to do throughout the week making the top priority you know set meetings or set recordings that i have to be at and then um the next thing is like if i'm like for example this month i'm on a writing deadline for a feature script that I have to have done at the end of this month. So then that is the next most important thing for me. And then the next thing for me is like anything like reviewing edits. I know I have to have that done the day before that the podcast go out. So it's like having those important things. And then I skip, if I have meetings, then I only have a set amount

of time during the week that I can do meetings. And so I'll be like, you know, this week, I only have three hours this week that I can have meetings. So then I send for me, I do have an assistant. I let my assistant know that like, this is how much time that I have this week for meetings. This is how much time I have for this, this week. This is how much time I have for this, for this week. Do not schedule any more meetings for this week. Because one thing that bogs me down a lot is meetings and emails. Another thing with emails is that I make my emails so that I used to like check my emails throughout the day. And now I only check them at the beginning of the day and only at the end of the day, because if I check them throughout the day,

that's all I'm going to do is be sitting and responding to emails. And so I also, I was telling Megan about this earlier with emails. One, I only actually send emails during business hours, even though I might be responding to it at 12 o'clock at night. So with Google and I'm sure with other email services, you can schedule your emails to go out because I want to train people like just because this email, I used to send them out whenever I was just like awake and then people would expect me to respond to an email like as soon as I send them. So when you schedule the emails I make sure I have them all go out at eight o'clock in the morning it doesn't matter when I send the email I might check it actually like during the business day

but I have it scheduled so then people don't expect me to be automatically responding unless it's a high priority email that has like an actual response to it or another thing is that I make sure that. For me, my anxiety with emails is that if it's too much, it becomes overwhelming for me. And so all time, if I open an email, it doesn't need an immediate response, but I know that it will need a response by X, Y, and Z day. Then I will schedule the email to come back to me on that day so that I can prioritize. So you can like hit snooze on your emails and have them come back to you at a certain time i also if i'm tired i'm gonna go to sleep that's just point blank and i've realized that like i i'm not the person that can push through and just do things because

they need to be like i know that it needs to be done but like if i am not fresh brained on something that needs my brain power i'm not gonna sit there and just like work through it i'm going to take a nap and then wake up and do it because then I can actually think about it instead of reading something over and over again because I'm not analyzing it because I'm asleep. So my biggest things are having to-do lists, only answering emails in the morning, knowing exactly what you need to be done for that day and what can be pushed for the next day, having set hours for myself. I'm going to work eight for me. I will have to work eight to 10 hours every day, but that doesn't mean I'm going to work those hours straight. I'm going to take a nap. I'm going

to do other things and then come back to my work. And then making sure I'm eating is another big one, making sure I'm having breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That is one that I severely struggle with and is one that I always, I always remember to eat when I'm at your place. Cause you always will be like we have to eat now and I'm like oh my god good call and then I don't feel nearly as bad as I do at the end of the day here I agree with everything Melissa says and like you specifically do not work a normal hour wise like but you like have a full work day just I know I don't know what time zone but just a different time zone and like you have to know your own product productivity hours and with adhd the biggest thing i'll say is ignore all of those fucking hacks on tiktok

of like productivity like how to work from home like all these like make sure that you get out of bed like you do this you get out of bed you don't work in your pajamas like you sit at a desk you do no no you have to lean into whatever the fuck your brain wants to do that day because adhd is yes it's inattentive and hyperactive but it's driven by dopamine so that's why it's like literally painful to do things you don't want to do like your brain is like I don't want to do that that feels like stabbing myself in the leg like that's the psychological like that's what your brain says and that's why it's so impossible to do things you don't want to do and that's not your brain's not going to change regardless if you're medicated or not or you're like working with a

therapist like that is being neurodivergent is just like how your brain works and lean into that And so listen to it. That is like the constant uphill battle that I have where like I completely understand like the motivation versus like hyper fixation stuff. And if you can have set days where you know you have to do like something. So for me, like we record the podcast on Tuesdays.

That's really helpful for me because time blindness is a huge one. And that's like within 24 hours, but also within a week and within a month and within a year, I don't have a concept of time. so when I have something that I know I have to be at and I know I have to do every day even I mean not every day I have to do during the week even if I am notoriously and constantly always late for it like my brain knows that that's that's like it separates time so if you can have that and it

doesn't have to be work related it can be a workout class it can be getting coffee with a friend it can be like just have try to have one reoccurring appointment a week if you also struggle with time blindness, because it just, it helps me put like the day and the week and the month into perspective, and embrace multitasking, especially with things that you know that you can hyper fixate on. So something that I hyper fixate on a lot is you might not have noticed, but you definitely really fucking hope you've noticed but podcast graphics, my own YouTube thumbnails, anything that's kind of like artsy and stuff. Sometimes I will I will I mean I will lots of times hyper focus on YouTube stuff but it will be editing a

10 second clip that like no one will even know that it took me like seven hours to do but on those things the when I know that I don't need to do this and this isn't productive because that's the thing with hyper fixation you can't control it if you are hyper fixating on like a project to complete from beginning to end like that's fantastic like lean in do whatever you need to do to like keep that going but most of the time hyper fixation is you're hyper fixating on something that you shouldn't be hyper fixating on and it's like not productive it's taking away time from doing other things and it's like you've been chained to a chair and you can't get out and like you want to get out but you can't stop and suddenly the sun goes down so what I try and do

for that stuff is I multitask in a way that like I will have the fucking therapists everywhere who like don't specialize in ADHD are like no I have every screen on I have every screen on in my house. I have a podcast on, on video that I like to watch the video version of said podcast. And it's one that like, I think is really funny, or I'm going to want to rewind something that has visual and audio elements to it. So I'm not just listening. I'm looking at it. Then I'm also going to have a fucking game on my phone that I'm playing. And then I'm also going to be doing the work thing I need to be doing on my iPad or on my computer. Like there, I have multiple different sources of like stimulation going on there that take up like my listening part of my

brain the typing part of my brain the thinking part of my brain the did I say listening the watching like all of my senses and then I also make sure that like I have really cold water next to me that's really helpful in like not necessarily fully snapping me out of a hyper fixation but like I will sit for so long I will forget to eat I will forget to breathe I will be like dripping and covered in sweat like my face will my lips will be starting to turn blue because I haven't been breathing like well like I'm consciously thinking about that and I I'm not because I'm not thinking about it I'm not passively doing it as often as I should and I will realize I'm in a really uncomfortable position and my like legs have locked up or my knees or something so having

cold water with like something in a lot I mean I have my giant water bottle if you're watching the video and the thing about this I always keep the mouthpiece up and I always put it as close to me possible. So I can just lean over and just take a sip, but I'm not thinking about doing that. But it can kind of bring me back into real life. So that's the thing that like, motivation and hyper fixation are just a constant ebb and flow. And it's knowing when to try to redirect, but then also like allotting time for the fact that like, it's gonna happen. And the best way for it to happen is for you to have known that it's going to happen and embrace the fact that like it's going to happen at some point and so when it comes to like to-do lists and stuff

things that you need to do knowing how long it takes you to finish a task and knowing that it's completely fine to do a task the day it's due if it's not if you're going to be able to do it on time like and that's okay so like getting rid of all of the preconceived notions you have about what it means to be like a good employee or like a good worker you don't have to be early like you can do it literally the day of like that's completely fine and by knowing that and doing that if you can do things as they spark interest with you and like Melissa said like you don't have to work consecutively you can be like oh this is really fun I want to do this for a bit and now I want to move on and do this you don't have to complete tasks every day you can just chip away

at them and that's really really helpful because the biggest thing that I find that's really hard for me is that I will try and do something that I do not want to do. And I'm not going to do it. And it's going to be bad. And then I'm getting a shame spiral that I'm upset that I didn't do it. And I'm going to keep putting it on the next down to do list. And there might have been the next day, I might have actually been in the mood to do it. But because I didn't do it the day before, and I'm mad at myself, now I'm dreading doing this activity that I might actually like, want to do. So for me, a lot of the times that's editing, I'm either really in the mood, or I'm really not. And so then I just keep it open on a tab, I keep my final cut open on the tab

there. And I make sure it's like still up, it's not hiding. And I will keep it in the corner. And then I see it. And I'm like, Oh, maybe I'll try and do something here. And then I give myself like five or 10 minutes. And if I'm not feeling it, then I'm going to exit out. And I'm not going to try and do it because then I'm not going to be productive in any task because I'm just failing at accomplishing this task that I'm not going to get done when I can get something else done. So like just going where the dopamine is, and that is something that like, it's not going to be a routine. It's going to change day to day. And I think Melissa does a really good job of this. And this is something that like, I, if I had a job more similar to yours, this is what I would do,

where it's like, you don't work a normal nine to five, but you don't allow people to treat you like you don't work a normal nine to five so like everything is contained in that specific way but I know that's not how you're working and like so you don't have to work in the way that you portray that you're working to other people because a lot of people have a really like binary very fucking cut and dry way of what they view productivity in the workplace to be and you do not have to change their minds or their opinions you can and it's not a bad thing to package yourself in the to it appears that you're working within those traditional parameters of the workday that it's not a bad thing to do at all and a lot more people do that i think than we

know you know and i'll also say like going on that too i know that on friday by friday afternoon i do not want to work anymore like i don't work on after two o'clock on fridays i stop working but that does mean that on saturday i'm gonna have to do some work saturday morning and that's that's something i've learned about myself and i'm completely fine with it i'm still making all my deadlines that i need to make also to to even more piggyback off that setting boundaries for yourself. Like, for example, one of the shows that I work on, they asked me for additional content for them that adds three hours on to my work week every week. So this started a couple months ago, they're like, we want to do this. And I said, Okay, that's going to be like an additional

three hours. And I've already told them like the days that we record our podcast, those are my longest days please don't contact me on that day because I can't you know like if I'm producing another show I can sporadically like check text messages and things but if we're sitting here talking I'm not going to be getting text messages so I said please don't send me this is for everyone do not send me anything on Tuesdays I will not be able to respond to you but for this thing they needed they were saying that they needed this stuff on Wednesdays and I said like I've said before, Tuesdays are my longest days. So I cannot deliver this on Wednesdays. You will get it by Thursday morning, but you will not have it on Wednesday morning. And after I said that to them,

they were, you know, they're like, okay, that's fine. Yeah, you've just set firm boundaries when you work freelance, because a lot of people think that means that like, you could just get it done, whenever. And here's the thing, you might be able to, but you don't have to. And that's not when you never ever ever tell like someone like if someone's having you do something that's like above and beyond or like not within the workday parameters or anything like that you can make it work don't make it work because you set the precedent that that is how they can treat you and also how they can treat everyone one question i have for like for you specifically so for would she be working project-wise or hour like clocking hours it depends on it it varies like some people that i work with

this like project wise yeah and then some people it's hours because like it there's just different skill sets for everything that i do so okay and different agreements that i have with each person that i work with okay so i think you caller if you have are getting paid hourly for any project set timers on your phone constantly throughout the day while you are working to remind yourself that you are getting paid by the hour so like it's like I want to finish I'm going to finish this section and like do it based on don't be like too ambitious but do it based on like how you know you can work conservatively like I'm giving myself 45 minutes to do this set a timer for 15 minutes and be like am I still on track doing this thing or I'm going to set a

timer in 10 minutes that I'm going to get up and I'm going to do this and then I'm going to set another timer to do that to if you are getting paid hourly then hyper fixation is your biggest enemy unless you are powering through and then at the same time like you know you don't want to there's a superpower in the hyper fixation in the rare occurrences that it is starting and completing a project you need to complete like beginning to end uh and that's super rare and so on the off chance that that happens that didn't happen and that didn't happen and you have to adjust the hours for what is a reasonable thing because people I felt very much like I and I don't think anyone did this consciously but I was called a workhorse from like the time I was like very

young working and it was like oh she's got this like she'll get it done she can do this she can read a script in 25 minutes like she can do all like x y and z and all of that stuff and the process of burnout with adhd is really different because it doesn't happen in the same way it does with neurotypical people because there are no signs there is no slow decline and it goes immediately from a dopamine like everything's fine this is great i'm staying up till 3 a.m finishing this project because i love it and i haven't moved and i like don't even realize that i haven't eaten i haven't drank like i haven't moved like my body is in so much pain but i don't realize it until afterwards that in corporate America and also just capitalism in general

gets praised so heavily you will inevitably crash just because you are human and you won't know that it's coming because it's not like again it's not like typical burnout where you're slowly being dragged down it is done really really quickly and it feels really great. And then it doesn't. And that's something that is really hard. And I would also final thing I would say, okay, one quick one reward system, give yourself a reward system, you do something that you don't really want to do, or you don't like doing, I'm going to do this until this time when this show comes on, or I'm going to do this while I watch the show, you don't your reward doesn't have to be after the task is accomplished, you can give yourself the reward while you're

doing the task to make the task more enjoyable oh i've got and i've got an i feel like there's so many tips but here's another one is like some people are like like you have to work at a desk to feel like you're doing blah blah as an audio engineer you might have to be at your desk but i work from my desk and i work from my bed and i work from my couch and this couch or my living room couch or like my kitchen table or sit outside it's just whatever i'm fucking feeling and what my body needs for that day so like just do what you want and you know like megan was saying like your rewards and stuff like i have set rewards for myself every day and mine kind of mine are like i'll sit down and i'll watch general hospital while i'm doing that i'm also eating dinner

like that tells me like when i'm sitting down to watch general hospital that's a like flare in my brain it's time to eat dinner and this is when you send all your files for the day so that's like another thing for me is that I always have that you need to allot days of rest and times of rest because hyperactivity ADHD exhausts you and like hyperactivity will exhaust you whether that's like hyper focusing or moving around a lot or just your brain racing you're gonna do like work in spurts and stuff but like there is effectively like a come down essentially like at the end of all of that stuff and needing to know that like you have allotted rest time and so if you're someone who do you work better in working for

five days and then having two days of rest or are you better of working five days and having rest in every single one of those days are you better at working two days on a rest day three days on arrested like what does that look like for you and it might take some practice knowing what specific projects wear you out so like after this podcast this is one of my days that like I'm like I can't do anything after this like same I if I want to I have things like on the list that I could get done and I have them in my like later slash extra thing where it's not on the day so it doesn't feel like I haven't done what I needed to do, but I don't ever put that expectation on myself because I know I'm dead by the end of like talking for so many hours straight. And so I, a lot rest is a

part of you needing to recuperate after tasks, which is also a chronic illness thing too, where it's like allotting in rest after tasks that you know are draining, whether or not that you think that they should be draining or not like that doesn't matter what your expectation is or what you think it looks like from the outside like if you are drained emotionally physically or you're just fucking tired and your brain dead after you've done a task that doesn't matter if you feel like it's justified or not like it's a fact and you need to allot for it otherwise you're going to start the next work day with a completely empty tank exactly exactly that's like where my midday naps come in too yeah smart it is smart all right next one dear meg and melissa um i just

called but i had more time so i figured i would add more details so i am a 22 year old tourist she her and i'm calling about a situation with my boyfriend of almost five years also 22 a libra he him uh we love each other very much and we have a great relationship with minimal disagreements to arguments except for when it comes to one subject, high school. He never finished his last year of high school because once his counselor informed him that he would not be graduating on time senior year due to missing a credit he needed, he gave up and stopped showing up. He eventually enrolled in an online school program, and he started to do that, but then

he stopped abruptly. He self-admittingly struggles to find motivation to do his schoolwork, and that's mostly because he would rather go out and have fun with his friends instead of doing his schoolwork. He has promised me for the last four years that he would finish high school, and he still hasn't done it. I just finished up my bachelor's degree, and I'm going to pursue my master's in the fall. And although I don't expect him to do as much schooling as me, because I truly do understand that school is not for everyone, I do expect him to at least have a high school degree.

Of course, I'm looking out for him, but I'm also thinking about myself and our future children, because I think it's eventually going to become a little difficult for him to find a good job with Upward Mobility without a degree. This subject has caused me much stress and frustration over time, and whenever we have this conversation, he always promises me that he'll get it done, and he just never does. It's come to the point where I don't trust anything that he says in regards to this subject. I feel lost, and I don't know what to do about the situation anymore.

I've tried to help him, and as someone who comes from a background of education, I really want to help him and set up a timeline and, you know, get an idea of when we can get this things done in a feasible way for him. But I know that that's too much and that you feel like that's too much mothering. And that's icky. But I don't want to leave him. But this is also kind of a deal breaker for me. And I feel like we can't move forward in our relationship until this happens. But I just want to know, am I being too harsh? Or am I being too nice? Like, I just don't know and if you could be uh nice to me i'm a little sensitive um that would be appreciated thanks he either has adhd or is dyslexic like he has there's something yeah there's something

happening and i don't know if that is a conversation that he's had with anyone i don't know what's up might maybe it's just a mental health aspect but in theory this is a very easy thing for him to do. But if it was easy and practice, he would have done it. So it's not easy. So there's something there. And I never assumed that it is laziness. And I never assumed that like lack of I personally, I also don't think lack of motivation is like a complete sentence like that stems from something like it always does. And I it stems from poor mental health. It's done stems from so many things like you just you're not born someone who's like not motivated because motivation is not specific to one aspect of your life like it's it's there and everything so I

think that there's like a something else here because if he if this was as easy as it sounds he would have done that and I think that I don't know how you broach that subject with him I think maybe it would just be like can we talk about like not that you need to do this but like let maybe let's process the fact like to be fair also he's 22 and he found out his senior year before he's graduating that he's not going to graduate on time because he's missing a credit that's traumatic that's really traumatic and I think that like this might feel like kind of checking a box but it could be bringing up a lot of traumatic memories for him like what was the reason that he had a hard time meeting those graduation requirements and credits in high school,

because when you're in high school, you're a kid. So a lot of the factors of what affects your schoolwork and your attendance, your punctuation, your everything, a lot of that is things that happen at home. A lot of things are like developmental things like emotional mental health things that happen. And if you don't process that, I'm not surprised he hasn't finish it like it has he gone to therapy like have he has he worked through the trauma that comes from finding out your senior year that you're not going to be walking at graduation with your classmates and like that's really hard and I also I mean slight sidebar I have a really I have a huge issue with administration and teachers and schools who prevent students from

walking based on small graduation requirements and things because that does not breed productivity nor does it breed someone like kicking their ass into high gear to get something done it isolates kids from their peers in this moment that is really symbolic versus like actually like technicalities of it and I think taking away that as like a punishment for anything is like really fucked up and really fucks you fucks with you for a very long time and I think this is kind of a prime example of this but I'm a little bit curious what he does for work now because unpopular opinion I don't think that a I think a high school degree is a hoop you need to jump through that in order for a lot of jobs but jobs that when you talk about having like hierarchy

and like working your way up a lot of the time I think we usually just think of that in corporate america trade schools are very very lucrative job positions that have can have like a i mean for a lot of them like a lot of large longevity like you don't need a high school degree to succeed but like i'm assuming you're calling not because you just need him to check this box but because that this is affecting his current employment and that this is not he is not someone who you would have never known based on his current circumstance that he didn't graduate high school. I think for you, you're watching that this is holding him back from things he might be wanting to do. But I don't think that you tell him that he has to do this and he has

to promise you and make this because I don't think, I think if he could, he would have done this by now. So I think it's about unpacking why this happened in the first place and not coming from a judgmental place or anything like that and you said that you come from an academic background so he might feel kind of uncomfortable and feeling like you're in very have very different viewpoints in like worlds and experiences and so coming from a non-judgmental place to figure out how this happened the first time because something needs to heal and change and fix to in order to actually get through this yeah and i'm coming at this from like a sensitive place like ideally not having a high school degree you do you do not need that to succeed like you can have other skills but

most jobs are going to require you to have at least a high school degree or certificate in something so even let's say like it was a a car mechanic maybe they which is very lucrative and you may not necessarily not need a high school degree but you will need a trade certification for it ideally right like if you've been working in something and you learn the craft then you wouldn't need it but most places do require either a high school diploma or a certificate from trade school and so i think i i 100 agree with megan that you do you need to figure out like the underlying cause if there's some mental health component for which there most likely is for him not compete completing his degree because what this is is that the high school system failed him

so what that counselor should have done was say you can it's one credit you can or well it was one credit that he would have been short so he stopped finishing so i'm guessing he needs like his last year plus that one credit and so what the counselor should have done was say let's you know get into summer school you can still walk with your classmates let's get into summer school let's maybe like help let me talk to you figure out like why but like I said they failed your boyfriend so I don't think giving your boyfriend the support and helping him figure out the underlying causes mommying him i feel like this is just helping him get or assisting him in getting whatever support he needs to move forward because like i said you are right without

a high school degree or some type of trade certificate there will be no mobility he will most likely be working a job that pays minimum wage yeah i think that like you just need to go a hundred percent from that perspective because i i agree with melissa that it's like without any sort of specialty like trade school um certification or without a high school diploma yeah he will be working a minimum wage job that doesn't have a trajectory to make a livable wage fact like truthfully and you don't need to tell him that he knows that and what he knows more than that is right now like melissa said the school system failed him he probably right now feels like that's inevitable even if he finishes his high school degree he probably thinks that

that is just what's going to happen anyways because he doesn't think that he's capable of being an academic or being something that is uh in a more rigorous field because he was failed by his school to make believe that that was his fault that he was a failure and he failed his whole future based on circumstances that without a doubt like i can say with confidence were probably out of his control when he was 16 and 17 years old and like that oh my god like would make kind of makes me emotional it just like breaks my heart that like he is probably like stewing on that as a 22 year old adult like and that like he like will think that his future is like set in stone from like that decision when you're like not even decision like your circumstances

when you're 17 and i don't mean to like i know you said you were sensitive and i don't mean to be accusatory of all but like i just need you when you talk to him about it he knows that shit and like he's not just doesn't just know it as a fact he knows that you know it as like a this is a switch that can be flipped on and off he's internalizing this as like a read of his intelligence his moral character his dedication his work ethic like who he is as a person this is a personal failure this isn't just like a check off your list thing and like as much as this frustrates you and this annoys you this keeps him up at night like this is a defining part of like his life and his experience and like melissa said like that's not mothering him by supporting

him to figure out what like let's get to the bottom of this because i'm gonna bet that i don't think anyone's ever done that and i think that he probably thinks a lot of this that he's crazy and a lot of this stuff is in his head and that he's just you're saying like he would rather have fun and go hang out with his friends like that is wouldn't like yeah and also like that's the definition of running away from something and like escapism that of being like this is painful and uncomfortable to work through and i don't want to talk about it and i don't want to figure this out no one's tried to figure this out with me no one's valued it enough to like work with me and that first failure is that fucking counselor who did that like I had a counselor in high school

where like I needed chemistry to graduate and I couldn't I could not take it I was like having anxiety attacks in her office because I had no friends in the class I was just like absolutely miserable and I couldn't do it and she was like okay we'll say that you took a summer course we'll lie and I was like are you sure and she was like it doesn't matter like it's fine and she was always like that she was not a bides a book kind of person because she was like i'm looking at this kid like she's never going to science most of these kids aren't going to use chemistry in the future and like i'm not going to like let her graduate high school because of this stupid thing or i'm going to force her to like completely wreck her mental health for this very arbitrary thing

and like she had the ability to do that because she was like been there for years and like a very very very loved person of the school a lot of people have like fear for their jobs to like not do it by the book but he was like really like Melissa said like he that he was failed he was failed and like unlearning that and like processing that I think is going to take a lot of time and I don't think there needs to be a timeline on when that is and when this thing is and like shit maybe he goes through like processes this and realizes this and then is like i wanted to do a trade school i want to do that i don't want to get my ged right now i want to do this and he does that and then he gets his ged in like 10 years or he never does like for you caller i i

think if you can also reframe it in your head that i just don't believe that anyone thinks having kind of like an arbitrary piece of paper someone who has their degree at their high school degree or not is actually a deal breaker for you I think for you what your deal breaker is is somebody who is taking control of their future and has a plan and a path and motivation to get where they want to be with a plan of how to get there and that a lot of the time is like you know professional careers and having drive and i think your deal breaker right now is he doesn't have drive i don't think it's the fact that he doesn't have his high school degree because the only reason you know he doesn't have his high school degree is because he told you that's not something

you can see on someone like he has he needs to like work through some stuff and supporting him in in that is the best thing that you can do and i i just think that this is really not his fault and if he has friends who are like friends from high school that you also might know or anything like that I think make sure that you can try and facilitate a conversation with him about this coming from a supportive place but if it's not working and there's some resistance and you said that you come from an academic background and again he just might feel like the worlds are very different have a friend who he went to school with or something that like to try and facilitate that conversation and sometimes there's workarounds of like wanting to go to couples therapy together

and then having talking to a therapist to kind of like bring this stuff up like this is something that is affecting your relationship again it's his drive and his motivation it's not just having this piece of paper but it is something that he can't just ignore and you also can't ignore and it's not going to fix itself on its own like this is something that requires time and energy from him to do that but it's when he's ready but you just need to create an environment where he feels ready and he doesn't feel like he's being watched and there's like pressure to do this or he's gonna lose everything because that's like telling someone my deal breaker is depression if you're depressed you need to be not depressed and then we're good versus i really care about you i see

that you're hurting I really want like what I know therapy might seem like a hard thing like why don't we start going together and talking about it I'm gonna start going to therapy I think this will help me but if you're not coming from a place where you can relate it's really easy to come from a place of I know better than you and that can be even more they can push people even farther away yeah but my heart goes out to him this is just like this would have this like without a doubt would have been me if my circumstances were slightly different so like I I feel for I really, I'm really like, sorry for him that he was robbed of this. And again, there's no way that this came out of the blue kids who don't perform well in school. There's a reason and that reason is out of their control. And when it gets to the point that you're a senior in high school and you haven't been

helped and you haven't been given the resources and things you need to succeed, that just tells me that people have been failing you consistently to the point where you don't think it's other people failing you. You think it's you failing and you carry that, you know? Yep. Wait, so if they've been dating for five years and he's 22, did you know him in high school? Yeah, I think that's. Yeah.

so then you probably do have some mutual friends 17 so maybe you met him right as he was or he wasn't in high school but well they were yeah high school age and if you're an academic that makes sense that like he's being drawn to somebody who has something that you don't have like sometimes we we seek the proxy of that and that's like a conscious decision because you know we we and we start we start relationships with people who we want to emulate and you're in a position of like support and understanding and i'm sure it might feel really i'm sure it would feel really amazing to know that somebody who he probably wished he had the academic career of and like looks up to in that sense to have you validate like his feelings and like what he went through

and acknowledge that that isn't on him i i can't imagine like a more impactful like feeling from your partner all right ready for don't blame them now it's time for don't blame them don't blame them is the part of the show where listeners call in with their own advice pertaining to a call we had on previous episode so maybe they have personal experience with it or they have some insight or they heard something on the call that we didn't address their own advice or they just want to call and just be like wow megan melissa we're so spot on amazing wonderful fantastic hi i'm calling in for a don't blame them in response to the call about compulsory heterosexuality i'm a queer non-binary person and my pronouns are they them i just want to address

the caller and let you know that melissa and megan are giving you solid advice based on my experience with this exact same situation. I'm 30 now, but I spent most of my teens and 20s in relationships with cis men, and I spent a lot of that time agonizing over whether I was actually into men or not, although I've never had a doubt that I'm queer. The conclusion that I've come to is that I am into men as well as people of all genders, but I've been in relationships with men that I loved so so much on many levels but I just didn't feel that spark or romantic connection with them as individuals so caller you might be into guys you might not but you're not into your boyfriend the way that he's into you and having done this myself I know that it is so so hard to

break up with someone who's really wonderful and you care so much about but it's really the kind and right thing to do to be honest with him and to free him to find a partner who feels as passionately about him as he does about them and if you're anything like me you need to get out there and date different types of people to answer that question of who you're actually attracted to again if you're like me it will just snag at the back of your head until you do so don't make my mistake and stay in a relationship with someone for years and years and years because they're incredible in a million ways but then find that you have to rip your entire life apart to finally end things so personally I'm living my best queer life now and I just wish you all the best and hope

you end up in a place where you're confident that you're living the life that you want to live too that's amazing I will say let's not say that you made a mistake you had your own journey and like you like like you said you're like living your best like your best queer life now and i don't think that we waste time in like relationships i think we just like learn things about ourselves and sometimes we learn things when we're single sometimes we learn things in relationships and like they're not valued more than the other but i don't yeah i don't think you made any mistakes and i don't think anybody who learning anything about yourself especially like who you're attracted to and all of that that's we have so many years of our lives like on like this earth and like we

think about like think about those fucking like old dudes who get like sports cars at like 45 because like they just want to change something up or like there there's we're always going to be doing doing that like it's never it's never too late like we've never wasted so much time yeah we're always gonna learn new things and want to change aspects of like everything that it's if we didn't if you had it all figured out from like the time that you woke up like first opened your eyes like that would be a really excruciating like long time on earth like that'd be a lot you'd be bored as fuck like and it's some lessons you learn from books some you learn from people some you like learn from being with the wrong people like it's never like a mistake either way

yeah i like how kind of like the world sort of just like lines up sometimes and a former guest that was on this podcast kelsey dara friend of the pod her podcast came out on monday and it was on this topic the same thing like the topic was uh compulsory heterosexuality so if someone if anyone wants to learn more info go check out kelsey's podcast and i told her too so she's like amazing she was into she asked more about what had happened on our show so yeah and again i really encourage straight people to to like research and like learn about this because how we speak regardless if you view yourself as someone who's like supportive of like the lgbtqia community how we our world is so heteronormative that like the questions that we ask the content that we

consume and everything like unless you go out of your way to make sure that you're also not you're not contributing to that when you have conversations with people like not even just conversations with people who you know are a part of the community but like we can also sometimes put that on people we're meeting for the first time we do it all the time with babies too it's like oh like look and i'll say like if we're using like traditional labels like this is a a girl baby and a boy baby oh they're gonna be boyfriend and girlfriend like you don't say that about two babies of the same gender you'll say that they'll be best friends and it's but that's like where it starts yeah i think that like especially when it comes to like this specific

topic and the lgbtq community that it's we exist so heavily as like straight people within a binary but then we say oh if you were to come out as opposed to this binary that we've all been living in and that we've also been perpetrating without any malice we would totally support you and that to me is like kind of sketchy of like right our actions should match those words that we say And so it's been really helpful for me just to kind of like learn more about like, learning about compulsory heterosexuality has just been like, helpful to me and realizing that I am heterosexual, but wow, holy shit, the media that I consume as a kid, we talk about, we fucking talk about like, oh my god, teachers and TV are like making kids gay. When in reality, you look at all of this stuff and you go, oh my gosh, if I was not straight, this would be so oppressive and really confusing. And just knowing that that is not a bubble that only straight people live in. That's the world that we're all born into. And it does just make you recognize in day to day life, where you are passively just going along with that binary and how you can change that. So then, I don't know, like, I think of like, I have a kid who comes out, I don't ever want my kid to feel like there was ever like a question that there would be any sort of support based on, like, when you think about something, when you have something to tell someone or whatever, and they say something so small in passing, and they don't even think anything of it's a throwaway comment but that's like burned into

your brain as like this snowball effect of this something that's so big that you're like oh that's so not no i don't and i i think that the world would be a lot more supportive especially from people who aren't homophobic if we learned the system that teaches and assumes everybody is straight if we learn what that is so we cannot contribute to that and i think that'll make a much safer a much safer place for people you know so thank you for calling in with that i hope the original caller is like you know you gotta explore have some fun figure out what you're into how would you know how do you know how do you know that is it for our episode we hope you enjoyed if you did then you know what you should do you probably go on over and leave us a review being

like wow they are so amazing so hot and so beautiful and also big big brains big brains with lots of juicy brains ew disgusting you want it to be wet though i know but i was telling you in the episode it's coming out of but am i wrong this week i was telling you about someone who got a tbi and i don't i didn't tell you this part but there was a part where his head looked like a gusher and he kept poking it and it was moving all around oh i could go for some gushers right now i can just see his head in my mind and i'm like i don't want to eat that poor boy's head disgusting disgusting you eat my help you leave your husband anyway never gonna be over it never gonna be over it i showed him the picture and he goes wait i didn't

listen to the clip without sound and with sound on he goes the fuck was that about and i was dying because i was like did you watch the clip he was like yeah and then he finally i showed him the picture i was like how funny he said what i was like oh i didn't listen to the sound well so he was just looking at how beautiful we are so yeah i also want you to know i spent two hours editing to make the bride shorter because they were the same height and I was like if I'm going to do the joke the only part that is the joke is the head switching I can't also have the height I need to have the one punch you know I looked at it and I was like was this really this short to begin with so it did not go in vain because I did notice it it's it adds to the humor like you have

to have realism with the joke there you can't i can't make it too outlandish because then like what's funny it's just it's just cheap just a cheap shot right we gotta do we're fucking professionals here we are we are and that's that's on hyper fixation on a fucking image for a real graphic anyways leave us voicemail send us voice memos to be in an upcoming episode again 310-694-0976 and audio uh messages you can email to megan podcast at gmail.com mp3 format we are constantly looking for new calls so please call now there's not like a we don't have like a waiting list we literally like add the calls in every week that we get and we pick from there so if it's even something that's like relatively soon that you're like oh well i don't know that they're going to

get this or i don't know i'm gonna waste my time when they probably have all these other ones like we we we read transcripts of all of the new calls that come in every single week so we try and keep things really like up to date in the past we used to bank episodes and like there was a waiting list because we would bank like a bunch of them at a time but now we're recording less than a week before the episode airs so call in you chances are very high that your call will be on the episode and it's anonymous so give us some juicy tea i know we have been in a panini but like i need someone to like you missed the fuck twins yeah i need i want some chaos and i know some people were asking like we were really like not doing anything before that was like against covid

guidelines we have no i mean we personally have our own moral and ethic thing so like please don't call if you're like licking people in public on like right spitting in people's mouths unconsensually unconsensually unconsensually but like if you're having an orgy and like you were all like you know tested for stis and vacs yeah like call us like tell us about it are the protocols are different now because when we first set those those were before we all had like home testing and and it was like easily available and also vaccinated and boosted we obviously don't want your calls if you're an anti-vaxxer and like a call about being an anti-vaxxer but i'd love to i'd love i would love if an anti-vaxxer called me it's just i'll be

ready i know i just like look at those people and i'm like it must be liberating to be so dumb like you must just be constant happiness their time but is it because they spend their time defending what they do but i think that's because they seek out the chaos because their brain is just quiet and there are no large complex thoughts to kind of process and go through and so i think they must create chaos in their lives because otherwise their brain is just elevator music on a loop and it's just it's elevator music on a loop and like ableist slurs like that's like the only thing in their brain yeah that's true yep yep yep anyways all right if you are still listening

at this point comment your like biggest uh work from home tip or hack or thing that like i need just like work thing that's like very helpful for you because i learned about melissa's like snoozing emails today so like that was even before we got into this yeah it was before we started recording this okay we will see you soon you saved that i did all right bye Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts and Diamond and Print Productions. Edited by Coco Lawrence. Post-production sound by Chris Henry.

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