Don't Blame Me! - Chronic Illness and Dating

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Content warning: Update - suicide Call 2 - vomiting, eating disorder This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Stop Being Delusional Can't stand manager Dating with a chronic illness Don't Blame Them: Giving a gift Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me, the podcast where we blame you. Kidding. That's really not what happens. We give wonderful, amazing, life-changing advice and we listen to calls that you, our listeners, call in with. And then we tell you what we think you should do with your life in your situation tell you dump your partner get married to your partner have sex with that person don't have sex with that person cut them out bring them in don't make a potato salad if you're alive before the great depression that's not on this show i guess you're right that does the uh the multiverse blends together it does so if you if

you are like this show this is great i need more don't worry we have so many other things um so subscribe to the feed and you can see our other shows as well we're also on patreon but yeah we're gonna answer calls we're gonna listen to your voicemails so if you want to leave a voicemail for an upcoming episode you can leave one at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and i guess i should say what our names are my name is megan my name is melissa you might be wondering why we're qualified to use advice why would you say we're qualified megan i would say that we're qualified because one we're brilliant yes two we both have degrees in astrophysicism yeah and we have accolades in the in the field

like it's it's a highly competitive and like we just quite easily soar to the top we've got nobel peace prizes a couple between us and one together too yeah they're half of martin's storage like we just there's at this point dive a dozen right we also have successfully dived to the titanic and came back um yeah free dive and like mine was fine and also like we're friends we like literally have friends that are orcas yep so if you need if you need someone let us know we No, we know a guy. We've gone to space, but like with actual astronauts and explored. We didn't just, yeah, it wasn't just the tip.

No, Melissa's made alien contact biblically. Memories. I mean, those are just a few. We don't have time to get into all of it. No, I could write a dissertation on our credentials. yeah but we also have opinions and that makes us not only qualified but makes us have the drive and the passion to pick up a microphone podcast because we have opinions and people need to hear them you're welcome you're welcome how are you doing i'm good i think you gave me the look i'm

like are you i'm fine i'm so fucking tired why i'm never not tired well do you want to hear about you look great though thank you you you've got the 90s dress and t-shirt combo going on i love it thanks thanks i brought another i brought a third outfit change in case that you saw and you went what the fuck are you wearing because i asked mott i was like do you think this is cute he was like yeah and i go it's one of those i love him and i love like living with him and i love my life with him but like there is something really hard about like living with like a straight boy and like not like a girlfriend of being like does this look good like he would tell if I looked fucking weird he would just be like it's fine like he doesn't get it and so I was like okay so I don't think

it's a classic outfit I could see Gwyneth Paltrow wearing this JP oh wow well thank you wow to answer your question about how I am doing I do look a lot better than I'm feeling I had a nightmare night before last that i developed gangrene and had to amputate my leg but the gangrene looked like because i have no idea gangrene looks like i don't want to know dream megan thought that it looked like a mix between moss and astroturf close enough i showed mods and i was like my legs really bothered me he's like and i showed me he's like oh my god why didn't you notice this and i said i was wearing leggings like i don't know and when do you wear leggings i don't know winter but what i've deduced of this apparently um having to amputate a limb specifically a leg i looked up

dreams say that that is a feeling like you are you've had something holding you back from like making a decision or you have something like preventing you from moving forward you have to like drop a like a dead weight or whatever but i think the real true meaning of it is that no this is not that though because i think the real true meaning of it is it was my left leg and that is the leg where I have my wonky toenail. And I think it is representative of me thinking that I need to go to the podiatrist and just get an okay checkout on my toenail to make sure it's good. And then I don't think I'll have the gangrene dream again. When you're looking up dreams that you look up, what's it mean when you're best friends with a Kardashian in a dream?

No, but we should actually look up that too. Let's do that in a tomorrow. Okay. See you next Tuesday. Let's look up like any of the dreams that we've remembered recently having or like iconic dreams of in our lives okay so um we do have an update can't wait today we're in for a treat because we're joined by a soundcloud rapper yeah like a soundcloud star former former soundcloud star my my blade of glory lasted a whole like two days nice yeah it was too much power i couldn't handle it yeah hey the world wasn't ready okay so i'm recapping recap yes basically in the last episode we learned that i'm delusional well actually y'all learned i'm delusional i already knew i had this best

friend for like 10 years and we were at times more than friends and then in august of 2021 i tried to myself and she couldn't handle it because i've been in that a treatment for years and she just kind of decided that that was like too much or whatever at least that's what i think this is all in my head because she's never talked to me she never explained why she left yeah and then a couple weeks ago i saw her sub tweeting me on twitter and i was like oh she's talking about me uh and thinks i'm a bad person so i should stop thinking we're going to become friends magically in 20 years when we run into each other on the street it's not going to happen and the update is that i'm officially blocked on twitter so i i don't know there's no way for me to

communicate with them i do still drive by their house every now and then not oh my gosh like two days ago like also i think it's important to mention i called you guys like two years ago about this situation when we were just starting our like friends with benefits era and y'all told me don't do it and i was like and look at us now can you can you recap that one that call what was what happened that was about no it was just like i was like so i have this person i've been friends with for like eight years and i always started messing around and it'll be fine right and now we're like no and then sure enough two years later here we are so you were right yeah hey love to hear it yeah we do love to hear i i i hate that that's how it

worked out for you i hate that you know you you were a casualty in us being right but it is it is a side effect of us of us being right like wow so wait i need to know and i'm not saying this accusatory at all is there something that got you blocked on twitter um yes yeah she like i can see your face we can okay so yes it happened so she subtweeted me she wasn't like this insert my name here yeah but like this the tweet she tweeted my astrology placements and was like this person's like this is like just bad things right and it's my placements so i know it's me i'm sorry that's so unhinged that is like beyond a subtweet that's not like don't you hate like backstabbing bitches it's like look at this person's birth chart and it's

like that's my birth chart no literally and so i i wasn't blocked on this account because this account was newer i was blocked on my old account wait did you make a new account no i think the other person's account other person's new account right no no no i had to make a new account on twitter because i lied about my age when i was 12 and i went to change my my birth year on twitter and it was like sorry you lied 10 years ago so you're banned now yeah i know i had to make a whole new twitter and then i had access to their tweets again so that was not good but now they've after that incident where i called them out for their tweet they ended up privating all their tweets so it worked it worked yeah yeah you know what this means you gotta take it to threads now

i know i know but i'm also blocked on instagram and instagram does the thing where it like cross blocks yeah yeah yeah which i didn't realize because i was blocking people on threads because i didn't want to see their stuff and then i realized oh i blocked them on instagram too had to go mute and stuff i blocked my mom on threads because she's not blocked on instagram that's the only person i think i blocked was my mom so relatable same um on everything um so did you respond to their tweet about that or did you i did like met private met okay did you subtweet in response or did you direct reply to their direct replied i was like i respect that i know i direct replied i was like first off this is wrong and then i just talked and then i

called her out and then i knew she i did i i thought about it before though i was like i know she's gonna block me yeah if i do this so i did it willing to be blocked like i was like okay i'm gonna full send this get everything out and then if i never talk to them again it's fine because i got everything out the open so but i don't know it was it's weird because like we were definitely a thing for we had chemistry for the whole time we were friends right yeah and then in high school she was like this out lesbian like fully lesbian and now she's engaged to a man so the whole situation's weird it's all weird yeah i think we can stop driving by her house yeah i think we should stop i think i think we're good i think we've we're done with that because i don't think

we're we're fully non-delusional yet yeah because no if you write in for an update here i ask we have a form to fill out and ask for a one sentence update and yours what did yours say i said uh something about i'm not delusional anymore i'm fixed now yeah or something like that i'm we're rebuking that and i i i think that you've you've um downsized delusional like you you see the light but you haven't quite reached it yet i think you're just relishing in this you know like i used to drive by my high school ex-boyfriend's house like what i would be like in town or whatever and like for what i was doing that why you know yeah i think i honestly have it in my head i have i think i have main character syndrome you are like i mean you are a main

character though yeah thank you thank you um but i have this thing in my head i'm like i'm like everything has to be super traumatic everything has to be like a scene from a movie i have it like i think that i am an indie film at all times right and i was so dramatic before she completely like cut me off oh my god so she would this is not the first time she's cut me off i think that's why i'm so delusional is because she's coming back and she came back right oh yeah but it always took like two weeks and this time it's been almost two years so i think and so that's how you got to the 20 years that you go well if it hasn't been two years maybe 20 years here's the thing though you are the main character but driving by her house you're making her the main character yep

i know i know you're like the side character you're you're doing like side character energy like and that's not she should be driving by your house and being up like delusional about you do what i mean period period actually our house is for sale right now and i really want her to like drive by i get my head she's like driven by and she's like oh my god they're moving where is it going and it's like then she's like pondering my existence and like thinking about me like it's it's not true none of it's true i guarantee she has she even blocked my mom on pokemon go like that's how deep she went okay i'm just gonna say this like i understand that people need to like protect their own mental health and like i've had to like separate from people who like whatever but

like i think like if one of your close like someone you're very close to emotionally and you've been close intimately whether you are currently at the moment or you have at any point if you're going to like complete ghost cut no contact and it is related because that person's mental health struggles are affecting your mental health struggles i do think you at some point need to voice that if you can't do it immediately but i i think within like but i think like two years like i would be what if we shifted this to being uh pissed at her and then we shifted that even further to then be indifferent like don't give a shit like i don't need that no i was bad that's why that's why i responded to the tweet because i was pissed and that only lasted like

i'm okay so i'm an aries right and as a typical like trait of us is that we get angry but then we get over it really quick like we get over things as soon as we like stop thinking about it or we have our emotions we yeah and that's very much what happened i was like i was pissed for like a day and then i was like yeah but we have so many good memories and i think the reason i drive by her house is i'm trying to make sure that she has the same car because i've got a different car since our friendship ended and so i'm trying to see if she has a different car so that when i'm on the street in our hometown i can like make sure i'm dodging the correct vehicles you know what i mean so but you've driven by the vehicle to dodge the

vehicle yeah so you're you're seeking it out yeah are you currently doing stand-up i am yeah okay so i think you channel all of this into like a set and then you let her like stay in the past as material yeah yeah but that's not fun it is fun think about it yeah it is fun i also i have another like kind of dilemma related to her like i have this dresser in my room that we painted together that i absolutely love but she did all the work yeah and it just looks like her oh and so like spray like you're rid of it no spray paint is there a different shade that you like yeah it's rainbow can you paint over all of the things she did just in different colors like tracing it's rainbow though okay hold on let me just show you the dresser

it's like oh you can definitely do that yeah you can definitely do that just pick different colors and then go over it exactly just rip off her artwork and make it your own yeah honestly that might be healing yeah yeah you're you're painting over the past i love it it's deep in the emo just like me i love it yeah i think you just need to like get a really good spotify playlist i have a one that is called um it's not the one about drugs is it songs have drugs in them no i think this one is literally called main character energy but it's just like songs that are in like movies like i don't know hillary duff is like looking out a window and it's raining like those kinds of complete of course exactly like you need to like make a fucking spotify playlist

like that and like do a whole day living like that but like actually truly living like the main character and the main character gets over shitty friendships and relationships they don't do the drive-bys like yeah you know this is your montage yes make your montage your montage of realization yeah your movie montage moment yeah like you can still be like make everything a moment you could like make everything like a whole ordeal and a big deal but like center yourself don't center her oh god when you say it it sounds so horrible like it sounds so cringy no no we've all been we've all been there are you kidding me i already made this playlist i didn't make this place for you i made this place for me like i listen to this all the time like i

understand like i am a raging main character so just like don't settle for you know quirky bff energy like yeah i have this problem though like i genuinely i genuinely tend to like fall for my friends like that's a bigger problem i think is like i always cross boundaries with my friends she's not the first one yeah and that might be the root of we should address why is that a thing that I do is it the gay thing or is it a me thing you know well I don't I mean I personally relatively only really date friends and only really like start having feelings for people like that like I have like a happy medium of like either I don't know anything about you and I can be sexually attracted to you but if I know a little bit about you until I know like enough

about you and I like you as a person like if you start talking then I go well I have to make sure you're a good person for me to then like you again so there's like that in between but like do you just like hone in on like individual friendships no anytime anybody shows me an ounce of kindness i think they're in love with me and i am like oh obviously we're meant to get a wedding have a wedding and you know literally happy ever after because they said something nice to me one time it can be anybody like one time i went to the hot when i was in the mental hospital after my attempt sugar warning i guess there was a guy in the hospital and he was really nice to me I thought I was in love with him I'm gay like this is not you're like maybe a lot of a lot of

things are changing yeah transformative yeah no anytime I think it's just like growing up I was like picked on a lot I wasn't like picked for prom you know so now anytime anyone's ever like showing me an ounce of kindness I think it's because they want to date me and have my children so yeah yeah and some of them might but also you the thing you have to figure out in weeding out all of that it should not be an attractive thing that someone else is into you like that shouldn't influence if you like somebody or you're into somebody like somebody just showing interest in you doesn't mean that you like them right which is why I've never actually been in a relationship yeah no I have friends who like are very much like that I'm the kind of person like if someone's nice

to me I go why I don't trust you like what are you doing like what do you want from me but like I have friends who are very same they're like oh my gosh like this person like is clearly into me And I'm like, OK, cool. Were you into them? And they're like, I don't know. They're into me. And I'm like, OK, so it doesn't mean anything, though. Like you have to have some like agency in that kind of thing.

And like I think like, you know, falling for friends is like a totally fine thing, but it depends on the state of friendships. And if you're one of those people who like you have like a new best friend who you spend all of your time with, then that can become like. And that's what she was like. She was like like she was at my house every day. like we when i was in therapy doing uh like the therapy where they like hypnotize you almost they had i'd like find my happy place and like she was my happy place and now i don't have that anymore you know so like i i also have bpd so i tend to make people my like right like people are my home right people are like where i get my self-worth from and i think that that this

situation really proves that like i thought i was over that and i'm definitely not over that like yeah i need to get my ass back in therapy i think and stop calling it a podcast because it's not free therapy hey i mean people use it like that all the time but i think that's a really like astute like observation and like that's something that like not obviously like we have very different lives like something that like i've had to like i recognize that i get a lot of happiness and i feel the most like myself when i'm like with lots of other people but then it goes okay cool then i'm by myself and you're like who am i what am i doing yeah and that's and it's not it's not good and like i'm in the process of like being like okay i have to figure out like who i am when like

nobody's around or like you know if i'm getting all of this happiness from outside sources and like friendships that can seem totally fine but at the end of the day like that can't be it but i think like yeah your therapist shouldn't i also don't think your therapist should like let you have that be your only answer to something of like what is home you can't it should never be it can be a person it can be a person but it can't be the only thing like it can be a component of a lot of other things so yeah i think you're hilarious and i think you have too much main character energy to demote yourself to being like the quirky character actor on the side of all of this and you know moving on from this using this as material means that like you open yourself up

to other people other relationships and then more material and then we get to watch your netflix yeah and then let us know if like we're part of the special too yeah we would like to be where we were the pivotal moment i had a writer's workshop on sunday and i talked about how i called in the podcast because i can't afford therapy and nobody knew how to respond to that it was like okay not my kind of people exactly and the fact that i'm here now is just gonna make it any even better so i'm excited to talk about it on on stage and with my my my people my friends 100 and like you're you have a great personality like i like you're like you have the like when i say you have the energy like you're someone who like when we like hung up the like stop listening

to your call the first time i was like oh my god i love that like you have that like magnetic draw so think of all the people that you are depriving of having you in their life because you are consumed with her yeah because you're because you have that magnetic draw everyone probably is in love with yes and so you need to focus on who you actually like i would be in love with you like i like from a totally non-sexual standpoint like what again when you hung up that i was like i love this bitch like you're great and so like she's sucking your energy out like you and i mean like so so your seed like spread like so much like i do believe everybody is in love with you like i don't think that that is delusional i just think that like you should be a little

you now have the you have the the pick of the litter and just don't pick her wow you make my life sounds so magical i will just live through your lips it do it yes do it for you like it's see yourself how other people people that actually enjoy your company not that person see you and like we don't even know you like we've like this is the first time we've had a talk talk interact like we just have heard you the first time so like this is well two times didn't listen the first time no you're true true true no but i'm saying like this is then people who get to know you even more and like you falling for friends and that kind of stuff like that I don't think that is you know it could be like you're you're going to that for comfort but a lot of people

a lot of people don't want to like cross that line with friends so like you've been in that circumstance a lot like that sure that says something about you but like that also says something about like the people who like these people also really care for you and so I think that is like a win just not I'm not gonna lie to you I think it's a win but I do think you have to stop driving by um her house to avoid her because it is a little counterproductive it is it's very counterproductive and like i don't know what i'm expecting to happen like i'm gonna tell you right now if you see her this is what stopped me after like i don't even know how many times he fucking drove by my ex's house he's outside and i immediately went never again like that was

the worst thing that could happen think about if she sees you yeah we saw each other at a traffic plate like because i told so you know what her car looks like yeah like two months ago but okay so hold on why do you know what a new car that's the thing is you know what her car looks like so why are you still driving by because it could change at any moment i got a car really impulsively i don't know i would you're right i think i'm just making excuses because i don't want to like let go that because you know 10 years is a long time so have you been making other friends yeah i've made more friends in the last year doing stand-up i think than i've had as a human being in my whole life honestly like i the last two years after my attempt has been the best years

of my life like i have more friends than i've ever had in my life i have a job and then working in mental health right like i have a decent relationship with my sibling which i never thought was possible right i'm stable i'm two years free of mental hospital visits and impatience and stuff like that so like I'm actually doing really well I think I just get bored I'm like I need some chaos and so like maybe I'm just self-sabotaging and do you also think you want her to see that you're doing well a hundred percent yeah a hundred percent like uh it crosses my mind every day that I'm like I went I want her to see that I'm like held the same job for almost two years and then I'm like self-sufficient and then like I don't

need her right like i'm good and then i i just want her to like miss me you know yeah that's understandable yeah it's fair and i also think the way that she ended the relationship was like very unfair to you and did leave like i'm not a big closure person but i i think that that's a very cruel way to end a friendship like and again i understand i've had to step away from friendships for like my own mental health but like i give myself a grace period of time to do that but then like you have i think it's you have to communicate that because like that would be devastating for me as well if someone had done that i do think though that like the longing for her to like see how well you're doing and all of that in order to for that place like that place

you guys both to get to that place it has to be to the point where like you actually don't care anymore but like right now while you're still invested in like hoping that she sees like how well you're doing she's not going to see that even if no like no matter how well you're doing she's not going to see that if she doesn't want to see it like she will find a way to be like oh no like it also like whatever blah blah blah like you could always find a way to like talk down or like diminish like the success that someone else has has just because like you're not in the space to like acknowledge that because it makes you feel shitty so like that is there's no amount of like wins or success that you could have that she can look at in a way that will feel like

satisfaction because it doesn't seem like she wants like she's still sub-tweeting about this like to me she's still pissed she's still angry she's still in that and like she probably hasn't had the best two years like like you have yeah and if you want to think about the main character of it all she's still thinking about you she's sub-tweeting you i hope so well no we know so she just just she was just doing it yeah it wasn't like a oh i'm thinking about that sagittarius moon it was like fuck this Sagittarius moon you know what I mean it doesn't matter it doesn't matter what light it is yeah how far away are you moving away two streets oh gosh when's her wedding I don't know I don't I don't have her on social media I don't know yeah I I think that like

you right now wanting to show her how well you're doing I can pretty confidently say that she's not doing well and so no matter how well you're doing she will have to talk that down and diminish that to make her feel better because like no one wants to think that like when they step away and like dramatic like she really fucking dramatically left the friendship and relationship and all of that that she wants to think that then that will cause whatever to happen to like afterwards of that and like you've just kind of risen above all of that and like crushed it and that is hard for her to see i'm assuming yeah i think it's because like so from my understanding i heard from a friend that's because we have a lot of mutual friends which makes it even more

difficult is that the reason she left is because she got tired of seeing me like hurting myself right yeah and i think part of the reason i want her to see me doing well it's like it's like i want her to know i'm done with that now like you don't have to you don't have to like hold your breath anymore right like i'm not gonna be in i'm stable like you can come back like i'm good now like I think that's why I'm holding on to it but like honestly at the end of the day like from the things y'all told me the things that my my other best friend has told me about like why would you want somebody that was willing to abandon you after the hardest time of your life like why do you want that person in your life to begin with like and then when you were saying

things like there's something that Megan said when you're like you're taking that away from somebody else you can't hold space for that affection if that's if she's still occupying it you're not actually getting anything out of it or something like that i don't know yeah but like you were very wise i was very like impressed i don't know thank you i've gone through a lot yeah i had to figure it out i've been watching i've been watching megan's videos forever i actually found you through lily because i was a big clever girly yes oh my god obsessed i love it's really nice birthdays are a day apart so chaotic aries energy yeah no like yeah i think that like you have you have you have too much going for you to put so much

into somebody who like was not treating you the way that you deserve to treat it and also and i say this with so much love this might sound like a little bit harsh what your friend said of why she left if that was truly the case you wouldn't have to parade how well you're doing she would come back on her own and she would have already done that and circle back to see how you're doing and she didn't do that so like that would never be your responsibility to like knock her down her door to let you her know that you're doing well like if she was concerned like she would be keeping tabs like she would be aware of that and she would then want to step back into the place that she was that so to me I think that was probably a cop-out way of saying that like because I'm sure like you

said your other best friend had the same feelings of like why the fuck would you want to be friends with someone or anything with someone who did this to you so like I think that's probably something she said to like mutual people to save face because it's a I think an unforgivable thing if someone did that to me sure but if someone did that to one of my friends I'd be like you're fucking dead to me like no my best friend has blocked her on everything she's like this she's cult she like she's way more like cut him off like she's a tourist so she's way more like cut him off never see him again and i'm like but their feelings you know like but yeah what you said is true and honestly like way more like valuable than anything i've gotten out of therapy

in the last six months so wow i i really do appreciate like the words of wisdom from my elders of course we're here for you called us elders it's okay i know i'm old i'm getting up fair in age it's fine no but I think like you find like a good therapist who you can deliver your stand I always referred to therapy as like 55 minutes of stand-up and like that's totally okay if you have the right therapist who's like you know can can manage that in the way that it is but yeah throw yourself into like other friendships and like go out with other people and like take up like remove busy yourself so like there is no space for her I am so busy when you said that i was like she doesn't even know like i i work nine to five and then from every

night i do i do open mics every night as well and then i get home at like midnight and then wake up at like so like i'm busy busy busy busy busy but somehow i've still managed to watch 65 million hours of survivor than last week i don't know how it happens it just does but yeah no i'm busy i just need to be busier apparently so yeah but yeah no i appreciate it write it out write it out write it all out write a wonderful movie about all of it that i can do that i can do don't need a journal i wasn't suggesting journal i'm suggesting write a screenplay when you said in the last episode don't write in a journal if you're one of those people who like ruminates i was like noted yeah no i yeah i told you i was i loved your energy and i was like

i'm i'm feeling it like a kid and i'm like it feels like we're on the same vibe don't fucking journal it's not for all of us no definitely not for me i feel like i haven't done anything productive i'm sorry i feel like i've just been babbling the whole episode that's the whole point that's what podcasting is us babbling this is literally we had to create new podcasts because we were just babbling all the time so we love it well please let us know if you ever do anything comedy wise that we can like watch and consume we would love that like you're very funny thank you i think y'all are delightful and you should keep up the podcast stuff well thank you we will we will i'm taking your word for it thank you so much okay we're

we're back from our break so uh we're gonna get into our first call hi magna melissa i'm calling a second time because i did get cut off the first time i'm a 24 year old with she her pronouns and i'm faced with a dilemma i was promoted to assistant manager at the bookstore i work at in march of 2023 now in june i'm trying to decide if i really want this position the good thing about being assistant manager i got a substantial raise actually exactly what i asked for now for the cons. There is one glaringly obvious con for me and no others, the owner. I'll call him Paul. I work closely with Paul as the previous manager stepped down and Paul took over as the interim manager. Why did the previous manager step down, you ask? I've only received speculation from a

fellow employee that the previous manager became overwhelmed with the responsibilities of managing this bookstore. Again, just speculation never receives confirmation. As for Paul, he is an enigma. The person, for the most part, he's charming. Don't get it twisted. I'm not attracted to this man. This is just the best word to use. However, he's not a kind person. Perfect example of kind. A nice, not kind. He calls his own employees stupid, not to their face, just to me in private, and regularly uses the R word, as in mentally disabled person, makes inappropriate jokes. He emails me all the time on my days off about things that are not important enough to bother me about on my day off. For example, the customer's bathroom mirror

was cloudy and he complained that it needed to be cleaned with something else. Of course, he would never clean it himself. He also always complains that enough work isn't getting done, no matter the circumstance. Paul was very hands-off before the previous manager stepped down. For example, he opened this bookstore almost 15 years ago and only learned how to work the register in December. As in December of 2022, Paul is very disorganized and I'm very organized and going to work every day with a to-do list only for Paul to pile on the things that he wants done. It's overwhelming. I can't decide if it's worth it. I really like the environment. I'm an avid reader and really care about books, plus the other people I work with

are all great. Basically, everything is great except Paul. What would you do in this situation? Would you push through dealing with Paul to keep your paycheck high, or would you choose to step down and lose out on the money so you wouldn't have to work so closely with Paul? I do live at home so money isn't exactly a pressing issue for me at the moment but i am trying to save to move out i also want to include paul is a marine thank you both love the podcast thank you for including that you really knew how to tie that one up you really knew your audience you said he's the definition of nice not kind and then you ended oh he's also a marine bye what would you do here's the thing I what I'm gonna say I feel like you and I or at least me I can't speak for both of us

I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to give two kinds of advice because we have very different we have very similar personalities in of certain things that like what I would do I would not say is because I think it's what's right it's just like that's how I operate and personally when I'm around someone who I can't stand and I have to like work with and I don't have I'm not in the position of power there like that they're working above me in that I can get incredibly condescending and not productive and helpful because then for me my coping with that is if I can't say like if I can't change this or I can't make the situation better then to make myself feel better then I can sometimes be like a little patronizing and there are ways to do that that the person

can't pick up on but I just get more and more frustrated that I don't view that as like a good use of my time in that sense but you know I think like the saving of the money like I do think the fact that you have the option to step down if you want to you can and like you still have your job you just don't work with him as directly but I would say is there room for change in this and like this seems to be like you said he did not do this for the last manager or last assistant manager and is that you know though yeah but I'm saying like is this like is there room in this relationship to be like hey I feel like we're not totally on the same page about everything like I would love if we could like have like a sit down meeting in this and like even making you said you

do to do list before work and then telling him like hey i've made this google doc so if like things come up for over the weekend that you think about throw this on here and like i can circle back to it and i've got a to-do list of things that like i'm gonna do but like i i don't think that just because he's your manager you obviously know him better than me i don't think that means that you just have to go based on his whole outlook and mindset of this because you are as a disorganized person I seek out organized people and I would never want them to be disorganized because of me like I I would like to be more like what they're doing so if you can have a conversation with him and then I would I would pick like a timeline of like if this does

not get better or this isn't bearable for me by x time then I will step down good advice here's my two things that I would do back before I started working for myself I would quit a job in a minute yeah me too so but this is different because I I didn't have any loyalty to my jobs that I did and you seem to have some type of loyalty but there's one thing that you said was that he's the interim manager and interim doesn't always mean that they're going to always be the manager it's usually they're just temporary until someone else is hired so if this is temporary i would say well first find out how temporary how long the temporariness of it is and if that's something that you can endure then you know endure it until it's over until he's not in that position

anymore too i would if if you are in contact and can be in contact with the person that was formerly in this position ask them just ask him hey i know that like you're no longer working there i was just curious i've been now promoted to this position i was just curious like if you have any you know come in nice first if you have any tips and tricks for the position and i'm just curious like why you left yeah so those are my things either for me i would have quit but i also hadn't been you say you've been working there for a long time before i had my last boss i had i was ready to quit but then situations corrected themselves and so there's that uh they were no longer my boss at that point anyways

life finds a way um you caught me off guard with that one that was good and i was right i had i had a whole thing written up about how i never yeah i didn't want to work with them anymore and then things happen and so yeah yeah those those are those are my options just and i like what you said about you know setting essentially setting boundaries and saying i'm not available at this time when I'm off I'm off please don't contact me here's a spreadsheet anything that arises you can put it in this and I will check it when I'm back at work yeah because I'm a stream of consciousness person and so like half the time that I'm texting someone like asking for something or following up with

something it's not because I'm like oh I need that now it's because like oh if I send that I will remember to do like what I need to do but if like someone was like hey that stresses me out like or whatever like whatever i would be like oh let me throw a shared dock there like that's how i operate that's not i don't want i don't need anyone else to do the way that i'm doing and like yeah we can all be adaptable in that sense what about you just getting promoted again and becoming the manager that's what i'm saying if it's interim then like maybe you're just really good at this and they promote you again yeah but yeah i think a combo to be had but or even like he's not the owner right no he's the owner he is the owner yeah owner is paul and paul is now the manager okay then yeah

he doesn't want this job no so yeah maybe even just ask like hey so have you thought about like what you want are you do you want to promote internally for manager are you looking for outside hires like do you want me to add that onto like my docket of like should we set up some interviews like yeah push push him out yeah he just wants to be a bookstore owner in like the fanfic sense yeah you know this also sounds like like such a fun job like that's like this is what they like someone's job in like a movie it's like oh i like i'm a manager of a bookstore and it's like that's a job you can have how cool is that yeah all right ready hi uh so i'm calling um to get advice about dating with a chronic illness i want to give a trigger warning for um

people who might have any like disordered eating issues just in the call um because that kind of comes up with my chronic illness so for context i'm a 27 year old female um and i've got a chronic gi issue that's been undiagnosed for over two years now it basically amounts to like a chronic vomiting issue anytime you eat that's where the warning comes in but i don't really have a diagnosis. A lot of people and doctors have assumed it's an eating disorder because of the symptoms, which has made dating really hard with this. It makes me not want to eat around potential dates for fear that I won't be able to keep it down. And states have noticed and commented, and I felt forced to explain this issue that I don't have a diagnosis. I don't

really have a lot of clarity around or a lot of control around, and people have ended up bailing because of its other context for various reasons up until now I've not really ever dated long term people I've been interested not really reciprocating that interest and then kind of shutting down because I was in grad school for five years and just didn't really have the bandwidth to be dating seriously so I found it really hard the last few years to put myself out there but I really do want to be in a relationship and I just I'm looking for some advice about how to share non-diagnosis with potential partners without turning them off because it's not been successful up until this point. Thanks so much. Looking forward to any advice

you might have, Megan and Melissa. Yeah, thank you. Bye-bye. I want to give you a hug. I don't want to give you any unsolicited advice, but I had gone through, when I had mono I went through something very similar with this and had doctors say very similar things and the conclusion that we had come to is not a uh like a very effective diagnosis with you know anything or whatever it is but it was able to have have me do certain things that could help and eventually remedy it over time so if you would like if you like slide into my dms on my personal one i'm not gonna do all that because you didn't ask for that here but so like if you would like to hear any of that shoot me a message and i would do that but that's not the advice

you're asking for so i don't want to unsolicited give that to you because i'm sure you get a fuck done this is a very very hard position to be in and i do think that not sharing it ahead of time is a self-fulfilling prophecy of like carrying like the shame with this and especially a new date in that sense I think it's for me like whatever you're sharing with someone who is like you're new and with dating and I notice this based on like how I receive information from people there are some things that like feel too big to say but not saying them is saying something else like there's something there and finding out that you have like an undiagnosed GI thing that's like a chronic illness that's like really hard that is not a deal breaker and it should not be a

deal breaker for a lot of people and if it is a deal breaker for those people then like okay better that you know then and now but especially having had medical professionals not take you totally seriously I think you might start to question yourself and then you go into dates and you're not sharing this information and then they're reacting in a similar kind of way because they're not getting a lot of information and they're having to point out and notice that kind of stuff i i don't think that that's good for you either you know like i don't think that you're preventing them you're not holding off until it's like a safe time i think that like some people especially when like you're actively going through something i think it's better to let people know

ahead of time because other people's reactions while i'm still like in the thick of that i can take that really personally and they might not be intending to mean it this way or whatever it is but the way that people can like support us is usually if they know what's going on like it's hard for people to give reactions that are the right reactions if they don't fully know what they're reacting to because then they they're they're watching how they're reacting and like they're like not like it's just hard and it offers it leaves a lot of room for disappointment on for for you and like again you're in the thick of this this is not this is a fresh active wound that you're working through and dealing with so I I think that it might feel awkward but I do think

that it is important and I I would say probably better to to start off with this yeah I agree But if you're like kind of iffy, like if you don't know if you actually like this is going to go anywhere, maybe proposing a date the first time that's a non food related date, like going to play mini golf or something. And then if you like you're like, OK, this could potentially go somewhere. And then like for the next date, prepare them, like let them know. Yeah, because, you know, it is something that you don't necessarily want to share or can share or like because you still you really don't know what it is. And so it's like, I don't know what this is, but there's something going on with me. Yeah. You don't know what like what it is. And so it makes it a little uncomfortable even to explain it because it's like, I don't know.

I grew up, you know. And so like first date, something that's relaxing, something that you don't have to have food for where you can talk and maybe get to know the person a little bit better. And then like if you feel like this is somebody that you're comfortable with and that, you know, I mean, a second date is still very early to know if you can fully trust somebody. But it still is like you've crossed a barrier that wasn't there before. Yeah. And I agree. I think I would keep it vague and I would literally just say something like I think not doing a food related date is a good call on the first date. and then if they ask if you want to like oh do you want to go grab ice cream or something you're like oh i've got like a i'm currently working through like a weird stomach diagnosis thing so like i am i am not trying to eat on a date with you right now and like you can have that be like

but and then come up with something else but so like you have like another thing but if you want to go do blah blah blah then we can go do this yeah and then i think like you'd like on a second date before a second date like or whenever you feel comfortable just letting know like hey heads up like if we can avoid like food related dates that would be great I'm dealing with this undiagnosed like chronic GI thing that's been really rough and does not I am not at my best in those instances and that's like so not how I want to be in like the early stages of dating like I hope you understand like bring your snacks like stock up on food ahead of time fingers crossed like i'm you know seeing some specialists i'm really hoping like things get resolved but like it's definitely like

not something that i want to be at the forefront of like the early stages of dating yeah because i think you kind of sharing the conversation sharing that but not making it a conversation of like you know it's not there but they don't need to ask follow-up questions they don't you don't owe them all of these like details and certain things like that it can just be like this is where I'm currently at if that's cool like then let's move forward because to me that is okay like that's that's so that's such not a hard thing from the other perspective to be like well then how am I supposed to date them like it's it's so not that but I think making sure that you are still feeling comfortable in how you're talking about it and I would talk about it differently

then you talk about it with your doctors your doctors are saying the symptoms and like all of that kind of stuff and I wouldn't do that with these guys and I really wouldn't do that until like you were like more seriously dating someone I'm just always concerned and worried about there are certain things that certain men fetishize and finding out something in this vein could then also be detrimental to your mental health of ending up with someone who is enjoys an aspect about you that is not who you are this like this is it's a chronic illness you're going with and whether it's like a side effect of that or like anything there's some people with some like really fucked up fetishes and stuff like that so you will be able to suss out like the vibes on people like

that without having to like you know let them know that you're going through what specifically you're going through and like your symptoms and all of that stuff. And like, yeah, that could also be triggering to someone else. Like, you don't know if the person you're going out with has dealt with bulimia or body image related issues in regards to weight. So you don't know how they would take, they could be triggered if you start talking about symptoms in that way as well. So I think being broad about it will protect your mental health because I think, yeah, people can really disappoint you without knowing that they're disappointing you. And I think we've all been victim to that so it's mitigating that in a way that you can and that's not like lying

or anything like that it's just that some people until they can tell like you said until you can know start to know that you have more confidence that you can trust them like I don't I don't think we should give people like the ammo to hurt us in that way but I'm really sorry you're going through this and that's very very very hard and I hope it looks up and starts getting better Me too We're going to take a break now And we're back from our break Time for Don't Blame Them

Okay, so if you are not sure what Don't Blame Them is Don't Blame Them is where a listener, one of you will call in with your own advice pertaining to a call that we have aired on a previous episode. So maybe you have personal experience. It's about the profession that you're in. It's about a relationship. You've been in something similar. Maybe you have experience by proxy through a friend, a sibling, or you've stumbled on a TikTok rabbit hole and you're like, I am a new expert on this thing. Or you just have your own advice you would like to Sure. Here we go.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am calling for a don't blame them for the episode titled Lesbian Dating Survey. I'm not calling about that call, although I did love that call and I love that caller and I wish her all the good luck with the matchmaking. Love that. But I am actually calling about the gift giving call. I agree with everything you guys said especially with Megan saying how like if there was a big shift in the way she's given gifts that would explain her friend's reaction but I did want to call because you guys didn't address the part of her call where she said after that holiday he like didn't get her a birthday gift and I thought that was kind of weird because it seemed like him

being mad about her Christmas gift is what led to him not giving her a birthday gift at all which is very reactionary and immature to me I mean I understand if he didn't get a gift because of finances

or something but I would assume because they have been best friends for so long that he would have mentioned that to her or explained himself so I just find it really weird that he was so pissed off after seeing the other friend to give a gift that he felt the need to mention it after he had not even given

her a gift for her birthday so to me this reaction seems overboard but like melissa said really scholars i think just have to talk to him to figure out exactly where that reaction came from and i also agree with melissa in explaining why you got him the specific mug or stationery like megan said to me those don't seem like the most personal gifts but it sounds like you got them for him for a specific reason like they're ones that you really like that you know he would enjoy as well but if you gave him those specific reasons of why you got those things it might feel to him more personal because just looking at the gift of the whole or just like naming it off mug stationery yeah it doesn't sound as personal but maybe he just needs that explanation but

bottom line there just needs to be communication here I do think that his reaction is kind of unwarranted after the fact that he didn't give you a gift at all for your birthday but if you want to work this out I think you just have to talk to each other okay well good luck thanks for taking my call bye thank you I missed that part I did too so the birthday gift the Christmas gift was after so he didn't get her birthday gift and then she got him this Christmas gift that he was like this sucked i'm looking at the call now to it says so for later for my birthday i guess it was enough because he didn't get me a gift so it was after the birthday was after the gift giving that makes sense to me yeah but i mean i also thank you he has to communicate

you know well thank you for pointing that out because definitely messed up sorry our bad we are perfect though so it just wasn't you know the vibe for us to answer at that time it was a choice they intentionally just skipped over that part um well we hope you enjoyed this episode if you want to call us for an upcoming one leave us a voicemail send us a voice memo if you have been a caller on a previous episode and you would like to give us an update about your situation shoot us an email and we can schedule that or you can send us a right written update send us a voice memo whatever you would like to do for that and yeah don't forget to rate this episode make sure you're subscribed so you can check out all of the other shows that we

put out all week and follow the socials and i think that's anything else that's it yeah join the patreon support us and we will love you forever support us supporting you a bra what like we're a bra oh like a bra supports you you said a bra but in my head i heard a bra a bro yeah your bros support you just like your bro supporting bros supporting bros okay bye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa demonts plus diamond and imprint productions post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz production assistance by Melanie D Watson and music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.