Don't Blame Me! - Dad Asked Me to Sign Immigration Paperwork

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: White person asking a Black classmate about white racism Apologizing to a friend that didn't understand boundaries Dad reappearing in your life Going on a trip with a cousin who may not be boosted Don't Blame Them: Telling your parents you aren't religious Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Great news! The Federal EV Rebate is back! Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the Federal EVAP Rebate on select 2027 Volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details. Hello everyone! Welcome to another episode of Don't Blame Me! hi hello megan hello melissa how are you doing this fine day i'm well how are you well are you like are you bad first of all are you lying to me or are we lying to the audience i'm well-ish okay i'm better you know i'm on this is the sequel to grown-ish well-ish the sequel i don't know i guess it's actually a prequel it's mixed-ish so yeah so then we oh yeah you've just said what

iteration you want to be yeah so the the 30 year old version is well-ish that actually is pretty funny wait that's actually probably what it is to describe your 30s yeah well-ish yeah hey that fits in with their catalog raven is part of the universe so they should have her do one that's call wellish because she would be the only one that fits in the age range i love that cast it fucking book it sign it seal it deliver it i'll send kenya beerus a text message there's a plane flying by that's a helicopter oh do you remember when this is like years ago and i was posting on my close friend's story um i think it was before you move it was definitely before you moved and it was like one christmas like one winter season there was a helicopter like we were watching a

christmas movie in bed and i just kept hearing the sounds and i was like oh my god and i was like they're definitely circling i was like they're just so like loud like what the fuck i was like is someone like blowing it's a leaf blower like what is going on i opened my balcony window it's flooded with light like they literally it was the place next door and it was but dana somebody got stabbed you're gonna have to be more specific yeah i just remember one time i was on next door or not next door uh citizen and somebody got stabbed like doors away from you and i sent you a message that happened a good amount it did it did it's la and like also half the time i don't even believe not that i'm not believing people who got stabbed but like

i don't always believe when gunshots that's not actually no a lot of it's trying to fire works or danger it's like okay we're fine but the stabbing one was real because somebody was live on the scene and was recording when that happens i'm like you guys get out of the street like go no go home you don't want to i saw on tiktok this there was like a standoff and these people were looking out their window at this happening and then a amazon driver was delivering a package here's the thing they have note they know that their job is fucked they're peeing in bottles so they reach their quota you think a SWAT team is gonna stop him he's like i'm delivering this package hell or high water like i was like okay and it was just so casual the walk was so

casual lax a daisy taking their time it was just like this man this person like does not give a fuck about what's going on they're there to pay their bills and get shit done like i'm trying to get my bag and leave i'm trying to give you this box and get my bag and whatever you do in the interim before after that's your picture as long as i get the picture that it's been delivered i'm I'm handing it to the SWAT officer and now I'm texting it to the person who's being SWATed inside of the home. That was so, so wild. Okay, well, I guess we should introduce ourselves. We already said our names.

What do we do here? What we do here is people call in and they share their problems, issues, concerns that they have in their lives. And then we give advice. and you do it by calling this number 310-694-0736 is that correct no 310 it looks like i don't believe in god but like the clouds sometimes make me wonder if i should just right when you said that it got so bright like i again like i'm not religious but if i was i would take this as like a sign like you know if someone was like are you there god it's me margaret like this would be saying margaret i'm here wow so i'm gonna try again i'm gonna try again i thought you were

fucking with me no okay three one zero six nine four zero nine seven six was that right i don't know now because you've said it twice and now you're in my head i think i was right yeah and international listeners you can just send us a voicemail at meganpodcast at gmail.com good good good good good that is it we do require that everything has to be under three minutes long you will literally be cut off from like the google voice number and then voice memos will be cut off by us snip snip so write it down practice time it out to make sure that you're within those three minutes and three minutes is a long time so give us as much information that's like relevant as possible we can give the best advice that way let us know your age please let us know your

pronouns if you would like to as well as other people involved in said story or whatever you're telling us the situation it is helpful for us to have like fake names as opposed to letters numbers we've really gotten away from that i think we've like reiterated that enough so you're telling a story so like we gotta be able to follow the more relevant information you give the better advice we can give and you have to be 18 or over have your parents permission and what would you classify the advice as well as like would you say it's like subpar would you say it's like run-of-the-mill like would you say it's just like throw away i mean i exhale excellence so i of course wouldn't anything that comes out of my mouth is not going to be subpar and i know the same for you because

i have high standards for the people in my life so what we lack in credentials we make up for in the big oh opinions opinions i'm viscerally reacting to this like i don't know if anyone's new here okay melissa this is not an invitation because you're acting like me today to be honest i'm telling you right now that i am having bad sensory overload the last couple days mostly because i think our entire neighborhood decided that like no one was gonna have their landscapers come on the same day so like there's just been leaf blowers for like five days straight it's raining so they kind of just gotta come when oh that's why i was like why the fuck i was like if this okay that is actually a massive relief because i was like if this is gonna become the

new thing like i'm not okay like this was what i was gonna say though but this is not an invitation for you melissa to do these noises if you're new here melissa sometimes will do these horrific god awful all the fucking time mouth noises and like just like sexual noises and i've been making fun of her by then doing them but i hate when she and i also hate when i do them so like i'm not doing it anymore it makes me uncomfortable when i do it it's like you know how you apparently can't tickle yourself i can tickle myself what in certain areas of my body really yeah i don't want to know where but um that's interesting nowhere weird like that but it's not like a consistent spot there's like something i'm not judging i'm just saying

some things are just inside thoughts no but it's usually something weird like on my hand or something no it's nothing like no that's what i mean it's not places where i'm ticklish like right here i'm a little it it gives the sensation of what the yeah but like it it's all it feels good kind of and you were yelling at me for making it sexual and here you are patreon you can see she was using a tool to stimulate her wrist tool a hair tool and it wasn't my wrist it was the bottom of my palm that's fair we're gonna give some fantastic advice we're gonna be hilarious we're gonna be funny we're gonna be like so cute and endearing while we do it if we give bad advice we've baked in our excuse and our get out of jail free card into the title of this podcast

don't blame don't blame me shall we get into it we shall hi hi melissa oh my god voice cracked I am calling because I'm trying to figure out how to navigate to tell my cohort mate and my friend that she needs to do her own work. So for a back story, right now my class is working on cultural humility projects where we're each assigned a different culture, and we have to do research about that culture in their views on health care and different things like that. She got white culture, and for reference, I'm black.

So I'll explain how I'll try to do that. So one of the questions was essentially thoughts on race, essentially. And she was trying to figure that out, and she texted me and the only other black person in our cohort, how does she present on white people's views of racism? And I just feel that she should do her own work with that. She is also white. Her parents are European. And so I just feel that she should have to do her own work.

But how do I tell her that in a way? I don't know. But, yes, I just need help with navigating. because it is like a lot of emotional labor for black people to explain race and different things to white people specifically so any help would be greatly appreciated love the podcast love you ladies virus is rambly i tried to write it down but you know thanks have a good one my uncle that i saw this past weekend he he talked about how he went to his class reunion and from arkansas and he's like 10 years older than my dad definitely different time um and he said that one of his

classmates was like what's it like being married to a white woman which my aunt is white and he goes aren't you married to a white woman what like if you're the project is what is racism to a white person why would you ask a black person who has no experience with that yeah like can hey can you tell me what it's like to be white and racist and it's like well no i i can't i don't have a first person perspective on that so this is like beyond just like the emotional labor in like a social setting like like you said at the top of the call like she's literally asking you to do like your project and her project like homework like a literal assignment but also you have no experience with what her homework is she feels like that she has to lean on you for answers that are going to

be okay because she knows the truth we know where you're look we know who this is we know where you're located yeah if everyone wants to know there's a reason why they're we didn't you didn't say the age like it was like oh they're gonna know and we know where you live and they they have an answer yeah not like we know the area that you live in and the thing is that this person has the answer but they don't want to give the truthful answer and that's a problem yeah i'm also curious about like you mentioned that their parents are european like are they from like are they european like immigrants like her parents immigrated here like because white people like we're guilty of othering ourselves from other white people like all the time and even like white americans were

guilty of and that's something i have to be conscious of of like there's no oh well i'm liberal so i'm one of like you know i'm a good one like you i have to be conscious of that but like her being if her parents are immigrants and like she is from they're from europe and they recently immigrated over like that othering yourself from other white people applies when you're european as well like white europeans look on other white americans and be like oh we could never have your problems like you have just as much racism being spewed from your mouths as we do here like it's there is no kind of greater than like it is all the fucking same also like ask somebody else in the class that's white if that's the thing where you're like i'm european

and i don't understand like i'm an immigrant then ask a white person well i just think that like if your parents are immigrants like you have the opportunity then to not only address it in where you are studying and what you are doing and then comparing it to a broader european scale like you have you would then have your own experience as an american deal like with and then you would have interview your parents about like white people from europe experiencing the same the same biases like all of that same stuff like it's just like you've got an ample amount of white like like they're not saying like yeah they're not saying a white american experience they're just saying white as a whole yeah and like you're white and you're american and then you have your parents

who are seemingly white and i don't i mean there's they are white but seemingly european depending on what it's like you have a plethora of white experience you have domestic and international white experience you are the cup runneth over white experience also if you're european you are the birthplace of racism so try again so what i would say to this person is i'm not doing your work for you and then leave it at that yeah i mean i i'm a white person so i don't think that i can give a ample and specific thing but like i personally think that if i and if i did this it would be warranted a warranted response to be like oh i'm i'm actually not white you might want to ask like a white person based on that like i don't have that experience like i don't think you

need to tiptoe around like anything like this was stupid no matter your response what she did was stupid she's gonna feel stupid like you have no responsibility that you you know this you have no responsibility to prevent the inevitable feeling and consequence of her stupid action yeah i don't i i mean if you want to be nice about it say hi whatever this person's name is i don't have experience with this so if you have questions maybe ask you know ask yourself because this is your personal experience or ask someone else in the class and if anyone's watching the patreon i did laugh during the call in case there's a lag or anything i laughed at the phrase white culture just want to make sure that like it wasn't misplaced in any other location i have a lot

of thoughts i think that white culture exists well i was gonna say the the it exists in the raisins in the potato salad it exists in punching walls when they're angry monster energy it exists it exists in um what was that aesthetic that you were telling me about vanilla girl yeah that shit that is white culture well i was gonna say like the fact that i i obviously don't know what the exact brief of this was but when you were saying that we have to do like all these things on culture and like she got assigned white culture and one of the things like how does race and i was like oh racism white culture without a doubt like nailed it like racism is white culture that's why i laughed because it's using white culture and then it was like oh no your teacher was not

was not placating like white people into being like here you go like have a monster energy drink and like look at the shit stains in like their tiny whities it was oh like racism like yes without like that is woven into white culture that is what is made in those white tank tops with the misogynistic domestic violence promoting names like that is what it's woven in so yeah this is wild i we could literally call them up and they'd be like hey girl what's up guys yeah i gave it she got a question for y'all i know you said that you're friends with that you said as a cohort slash friend first of all this podcast before this podcast i was like what the fuck is a goddamn cohort like literally had no idea but if this person is like an actual

like real true friend there's like absolutely zero response that you could have that would put that in jeopardy because the friendship is only being put in jeopardy should be from their side of they're even asking you this and then you're the one deciding how this friendship moves forward but like you don't have to and i don't need to tell you this but like yeah you don't you don't carry the burden on how do i respond to this that does not affect our friendship because it's not a response it's like oh your reaction to someone's action that's not what would then affect the friendship it's this you wouldn't have needed a reaction if the action didn't exist in the first place yep so and she reacts badly that she's not your friend nope she is not the only friend that

you need is yourself everyone else is just bonus and you're a bonus to them spoken like a true aquarius fuck fuck everyone else okay next call yes getting into it you can call me brie she way and my friend in this story carrie she her we're both 26 to her assist carrie is autistic and i'm narrative urgent but not officially diagnosed and both carrie and my partner are both behavioral special. I'm saying this to point out that marriage divergence just plays a huge role in this story. Carrie and I have been friends since 6th grade, but had a falling out in college

when she was in an abusive relationship that spiraled into her marrying the guy and alienating everyone in her life. A few years later, she divorced him and we made up. Now, this story starts about a year and a half ago. Carrie and a few of her friends were going to help me by making some music for my podcast This is important for later.

Carrie came over to my house to hang out and about five minutes into her being in my bedroom, I found out that she was sick and going to get tested for COVID when she left my apartment. To be clear, this was before vaccines. When I told her she needed to leave, she rolled her eyes and laid in my bed. After a few minutes, she realized I was serious and left. The next morning, I sent her a text saying that what she did was disrespectful towards me and my roommate, put our health at risk, and she should have told me so that I could make the decision myself. She ended up calling me and yelling me out in person for about an hour and saying that she knew it was wrong and how

dare I bring it up. She also mentioned some stuff about my dog that was not true and just overall turning me into the bad guy. I ended up in a fight just saying that we would be fine, but I needed some space. She pretty much ruined the whole thing on her autism. A few days later, Carrie messaged me asking if we were still going to meet to talk about the music. She, in the same text, let me know that a family member of hers died and her birthday party was coming up. With some guidance from my partner, I just let her know that I would be finding someone else for the music and I still needed some space. This sent her into a spiral. That night, she called me over 30 times within two hours came to my apartment and sat outside waiting for me for those two hours and ended the

night scream crying in my hallway of my building i did not answer the door and only text her letting her know that she was making me uncomfortable and needed to leave which she didn't finally she did around nine o'clock at night so after this i kind of looked to her i didn't mean to but every time i went to message her i would just get a lot really anxious um fast forward six months carrie stopped me in my alleyway to inform me that she was now dating someone and they were renting a garage in the alley from his family member to use as an art studio after this i saw her all the time on my box but avoided running into her it was about a year of this and it was very stressful to understand how close we are you can see the garage from my bedroom window two months ago her

and her boyfriend are under a huge fight in the alleyway around midnight on a saturday the night lasted for over an hour then yelling at each other mostly her yelling um her sending off her car alarm multiple times and so much more we tried to make sure it wasn't violent but didn't get involved otherwise after that i thought they broke up and it had been about two months but about a week ago i saw her again and her car on my is always on the block and i'm assuming they're back together i just need some advice on how to remember this it's really stressing me out um anything you guys who could let me know if it should i talk to her should i try to like clear the air but that just makes me anxious i don't know please help yeah that is a lot i know that y'all have been friends

for a long time but this is in this short amount of time is a lot of things to happen and i honestly i think that you're doing what you should be doing is avoiding her at all costs i wholeheartedly agree with that like as someone who's a neurodivergent that can be the cause of like some behavior that like I maybe get overstimulated and I snap or my tone isn't great with something and I don't like realize those things or if I lash out or something like that like I'm seeing someone's response to my behavior and most of the time like and I know autism is not the same as ADHD but in both senses of emotional responses and emotional dysregulation if I'm off base with like my tone and I am clueless and I'm unaware that's because the

person that I'm with hasn't reacted to it so like I can say something that's like completely innocuous and someone takes it like the wrong way and I see that on their face like and I'm like oh shit like oh okay like there or i have a friend who then if i'm not even like clued into facial like responses like that if someone told me that like oh this thing that you did or this thing that you said really hurt me my disability my neurodivergence like ends at that like that there's no excuse for that like oh my reasoning or the reason why i did that i don't get to double down and then use that as an excuse for not having remorse or understanding that i've hurt somebody else like I it can be the trigger of why I reacted in a way that hurt somebody else but

that doesn't mean that that's okay and that I don't deal with the repercussions afterwards like that's just like not it and I think you know that clearly but I'm with Melissa like this to me is someone who's and I want to make sure that like I'm not referring to her autism as this but like this is someone who is deeply unwell and like she's not okay right now and she's being emotionally abusive to you she's stalking you she's making you feel not only like mentally and emotionally unsafe like physically unsafe she's imposing her presence to your home uninvited she's getting like places are near you like if this was a romantic relationship i think we'd look at it a lot different just more differently and like I've had friendships with people where the

friendships were like abusive but like I couldn't wrap my head around that because I'm like well it's a friendship I don't owe this person anything and not that I think that I owe my romantic partner I think but like for some reason we just like look at them like apples and oranges and some behavior that we would never fucking tolerate in a romantic relationship we accept in a friendship I'm guilty of that like I've without a doubt a hundred percent done that i think that you feel this care and worry about her well-being based on her relationship history and like you know she's she's made her relationship and she's made her life your problem because she then got that fucking she spends all this time by you and that's also a

manipulation tactic in that way and i'm not doubting that like they had a horrible fight and it's so bad and all of that but like you are being emotionally manipulated to not be granted the luxury of space from this person like you're being constantly you're having to hear her argue you're having to hear her like yell in the streets and all of that and that's not a safety measure or a precaution because you didn't consent to that so like it would be one thing if like i've had friends who've dated like abusive people and like it's one thing when it's like you're gonna go have a conversation with them i'm gonna sit in my car and i'm gonna be parked across the street with the windows rolled up and i'm gonna watch and make i'm gonna be there when everything's there

and i'm consenting to that and this is something that we're agreeing to agreeing to that it's a safety measure but it's not a safety measure for you to be like looking in from your window because that's not something that's agreed upon because she's not safe for you so you can't put your safety and her you can't put her well-being above your well-being and she's abusive to you and this is like there's no air to clear at all and like if she gets like does the work and she goes to therapy and she's like able to do like all these things and really grow as a person that will also have nothing to to do with you and you don't owe this relationship no and the person who should be apologizing or clearing the air should be her it's not you there's nothing that you need to say to

her she's the one that was disrespectful and crossed a lot of boundaries with you i mean this is abusive behavior and you're the victim in this so a victim does not need to apologize to the person that is causing them harm and it's also not helpful to weigh victimhood in this sense where like if she's in another abusive relationship that means that that abuse outweighs the abuse that she's done to you so therefore it's your response it's not like it's just it's it's not ever going to be your responsibility to help a friend who's abused you when she hasn't apologized she hasn't done any of this work to that so like it's putting you back into that abusive orbit in that cycle with her and it's unfortunate that she's having these really the new relationship

is not good and I can't imagine the stress because I don't think that even though you said that like you didn't hear from her for like two months that's not enough time for you to process this and like work through these own your own emotions with this you don't feel safe at your house and like you then hear her yelling in the alleyway and i'm not telling you to not look out the window and make sure she's safe like that's a that's a natural reaction and it's also fine if you didn't do that but you're not being given the opportunity to heal from this experience and like now you're feeling obligated to clear the air because you're having to be reminded about this all the fucking time like you're not getting the ignorance is bliss or the out of sight out of mind thing at

all like she's making sure that she's inserting herself into your everyday routine and outside of your home and just you know it's like obviously not into the same extent but like you know if you like go home for like to your hometown for like the holidays or whatever like you're a little bit maybe more on high alert that you're gonna see someone you didn't want you don't want to see or whatever it is like there's just something that like you're not totally relaxing like your body just isn't relaxed you're just aware and that's how you are for most people like at your job like it's just like someone who you work for could always walk through the door and like you're not getting that release of like the sanctuary and the safety and the comfort of home

she's taken that from you she's taken a lot of these things out of your control and to me it seems like the only thing you can control is then deciding to move on from this so then hopefully that would help and i don't think that that's what it's come to and i don't think it ever i don't think that's ever the solution i think that the only way that we can decide to like forgive and move on is if there's a remorse there's an apology to forgive and there's the the luxury of space and time to decide on your own without any external pressures or without her fucking presence in your fucking alleyway that there's no consequence if you don't decide to move on that this isn't something that you're faced with in that way do you know what i'm doing like where it's like

this isn't a i don't want to say unbiased but like yeah you're not able to make an unbiased decision that this is something that you want to do because you're in there's the it's a pressure cooker so I don't know what your lease is like but I would not say that it is dramatic or hyper vigilant or over the top to move and that doesn't mean that like she's won and she like won the apartment if you like love the area that you live in your peace of mind is so much better and is worth so much more than that and staying in a emotionally abusive situation or even in that vicinity there is no winning at all and like that I think about that with when I went to college like the amount of people who told me like oh don't drop out like you're letting them win you're

letting them win and like I mean I didn't last long but I tried to stick it out and like one of the first things I told one of my friends afterwards I was like I wish no one said that Because, like, I wasn't winning when I was trying to stay there. Like, I was getting worse and worse every day. And the decision to leave a situation, even if it was previously good, that's not losing. Like, those active choices to be like, okay, I need to make some changes here to adjust my life, even though other, and it's not because of, and it can't be because of the treatment of other people because I value myself more. Like, that's never going to be the losing thing at all. you have to pick you if someone else isn't going to like you have to pick your well-being

but i'm so sorry like this is like supremely supremely fucked up yeah i've been through some not this not to this level but i've been to us through a situation where i lived close to someone that was not a good person and i had to avoid them so i understand yeah but yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't confront her because i think it'll just make it worse yep all right um we're gonna take a break now and we're back how was your break melissa um i squeezed my finger where'd you squeeze it with the clamp oh i was doing that earlier with those little moths was like what are these little ones i was like melissa gave them to me because i have the big ones

all right next call megan and melissa i'm calling in for some advice on a family issue i am a 21 year old woman who goes by she her pronouns to give some backstory my mom had me when she was 15 and my dad was 17 two years later they had my little sister um at this time they had both immigrated here from mexico and they were undocumented my dad left us early in life i think i was around four ish my mom doesn't like to talk about the subject and honestly since i can't even remember my dad. I never cared to bring him up. Growing up, we didn't have much contact with him anyways. He would only call during birthdays and holidays. A couple years ago, he invited us to come and stay with him for December, but the idea made me nervous, so I quickly declined.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, my dad messaged me and it read, Happy New Year. I hope to see you soon. I didn't think much of it and forgot to respond. When I remembered a few weeks later, I replied, Happy New Year. After a short conversation, he sent me immigration paperwork and asked me to fill it out for him. He said he was planning on moving back to the States and would love to see me and my sister. I didn't respond and later told my mom about the situation. You could tell she had her feelings about it, but asked me what I was going to do. I told her I didn't know, and it would actually take a lot from him for me to do this favor.

My mom later told the rest of our family, who absolutely freaked. I have never seen my grandparents and aunties so mad. It was then that they told me my dad had left, and he cut contact with my mom out of nowhere. My mom learned that he remarried his ex-girlfriend through a mutual friend, and he was taking care of her child that was my age. Also, his mother and sisters were still here in the United States, would visit us often, and never said anything. My grandma begged me not to fill out this paperwork, and I happily agreed. Also, I think it's worth noting that it took a lot of work, but my mom is now friends with my dad's sisters, and they work together. but they also said that I should not fill out this paperwork because he did not deserve it.

They, however, do have a good relationship now. It was an easy decision to not fill it out, but now I'm stuck on how I should tell him. I want him to understand he caused a lot of damage to my family, but I don't know if it's worth the conversation or if it's even my fight. I would love your insight on how to go about this. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life?

How did they adapt? as the world around them changed. With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors.

Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Or if I should even respond, thank you, I love you both so much and I appreciate your advice. oh i'm glad that you have those family members that were there and know exactly what happened and they're probably still shielding you from a lot of the stuff that actually went down but

yeah when his own sisters are saying no that means a lot so yeah and that's also vouching for his current character because they're still in contact with him like and they're like no yeah so you mentioned that you weren't sure like you know if you should you wanting to tell like your desire to like tell him that like he really did a number on this family and like he caused a lot of hurt but not sure if it's um your fight or your place and it is like that's your dad and just because he was not present in your life and he like abandoned and fully ghosted your mom and he didn't raise you his damage like that affected you and like even if it's not like you're saying that you don't have a lot of memories of that but an absence of a parent

is an effect of a parent like that's it's it just it is and that doesn't mean that you would have been better off if you had a dad in the picture or anything like that but just because you don't know him because you don't know him that it is your fight that's what i mean like it's he didn't have to him not being around was damage that he caused to you and it might not feel as acute as the people who felt personally betrayed by him because they felt they had built this relationship on like trust and all of those things but that's baked in when you have a kid so abandoning your child and having no real pre-existing relationship that assumption and expectation of that relationship is still there yeah so i think that it is your fight if that is what you want to do i would say

and maybe i'm reading too much into it but like i don't from your tone i'm not sure if this is like if you are how strongly you feel in the way that you want to like because i think like if you want to fucking go for it but if there's like a part of you that is like uh like i could go either way it's not going to be like it doesn't really matter that much to me like it's just it would be cathartic it would be nice but it's not something that i personally need to do for my own life i think if you're doing it for your mom like you can do it for you like and if i think if you are feeling like you want to do it on behalf of someone else i think if you're going to mention that i think it's important to let that person know because they then become corroborated

in that in that sense but at the same time you're seemingly half your mom and half your dad so what he did to her affects you too and it can affect you isolated from how it affected her so I don't think that you would be in the wrong at all if you said it I just also would ask yourself doesn't seem like you have a specific answer or response or reaction you want to get out of him and to me that's the only time I think we should mitigate when we say something or when we don't is if there's only one response we want and the likelihood that we're going to get that is very slim and then it would make the feelings worse you know yeah I looked up because I had questions about who can fill out paperwork for family immigration and it looks like if your brother

or sister is a U.S. citizen which I'm not sure if your aunts are but they could fill out the paperwork so if they are citizens I think that speaks a lot about the fact that he didn't ask his sisters that are in contact with him to fill out the paperwork as well so that is something to take into consideration but again like megan said if this is something that you want to do for you then cool but there's other ways to build a relationship if that's what you want with him like you can build a relationship virtually he can come just visit he doesn't need like permanent residency but to me it just kind of it kind of feels like he's using you to get what he wants yeah and i just think that like there are people who go through the process of and i don't mean in

the united states everyone thinks that like canadians are coming to the u.s just trying to like the wine and dine americans because they want that sweet american citizenship like that's a fox news myth that is currently rampant right now but in terms of like quote-unquote green card marriages like there's a little bit more effort put in to have it be a mutually beneficial relationship like and it like it does feel like it's coming he can't even go through the motions of spending a couple months trying to like like let's i would love to get to know you more and then spring like he's just right off the bat telling you that this is what he wants and then it's like well if you it feels also like manipulative it's like well if you get me this

then we can pursue a relationship and it's like so you're not gonna do like what's the urgency as well like yeah if this is why you want to get this and you want to be in my life like you said you can be in my life without this and show me that you're not going to get up and leave because you don't remember him leaving but your mom does and like i that that you don't need him if he's not going to be a person that you need yeah he he has built no foundation for this he's broken the foundation that could have been there and he could have stayed and been fine but he chose to leave and so you know if he wants a relationship with you then build the relationship first and then you can decide if you want to fill out the paperwork for him later yeah but i think melissa's

right i think you should ask your aunts if that he did reach out to them because and if if they are i mean i would assume you probably know if they are citizens because yeah like you said like it does feel like oh you might be reaching out to the person who doesn't remember the trauma that you caused so that might be you think that your best bet is someone who doesn't doesn't know you because you abandoned them versus the people who do know you right so that's not to say that like he hasn't grown or changed or like evolved as a person but i do think that the people who have stuck by you in your life it seems like they have your best interests at heart and you've got more than enough people who like love you and care about you and if he wants to be one more person

he has to prove that and earn that and that's not done in exchange for this right right all right well we're gonna do one last call hi megan and melissa i've called twice but both times i believe i left the man port now so this time i wrote it here we go i am 19 and my cousin is 20 we are going on a trip in about a week and a half with her grandparents my aunt and uncle we have to go a plane to get there. I am vaccinated as are her grandparents and I am about 98% sure that she never got her booster because she didn't even want to get the vaccine until it was mandated by her work and I don't believe that they required the booster. I plan on wearing a mask on the plane as I have every time I've traveled since the pandemic and I believe her grandparents will as well

because they have several pre-existing medical conditions between both of them. I'm calling because I'm nervous that my cousin won't see a point in wearing a mask. Her parents are anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers and have rubbed off on her, and it's not obvious unless you speak to her about it. I don't feel comfortable with her not wearing a mask because we will all be staying in the same condo for the 10 days of the trip, and I really don't want to get COVID again as I've just gotten my lungs back to a semi-normal place from when I got it for the first time in September of last year. Her grandparents were kind enough to pay for my ticket, so backing out is truly not an option. I don't want to start a trip with a big-ass argument, but I'm really just nervous

that she's going to refuse to wear a mask and get us all sick. I probably would not have accepted the invitation to this trip had I remembered that this is a concern, but of course, I didn't even think about it until I was making sure I had enough masks to hold me over through my trip this past weekend. I think that's all, so please help because I'm really unsure of what to do in this situation. Her parents have really rubbed off on her, and she refuses to listen to anything else any other point of view any other facts science things like that i feel like it's really gonna turn us off on the wrong foot for this vacation but yeah please let me know any advice you have thank you i am traveling in june and i'm gonna be with a i'm traveling like on the plane

not with anybody that I know but I'm meeting a lot of people down and the place that I'm going and I told the person that's playing on a trip that I was not I would not go unless everybody that was going was vaccinated and boosted and she said totally understand she agreed with me and she made sure that everybody was vaccine boosted and I said like they need to wear mask on the plane and she's like that's not even you know i wouldn't invite them if they were like people that weren't wearing masks and so i i said all this she's like i know how you are i know that you wouldn't come first of all before she even asked me to come on the trip she said would you even be comfortable to come because she knows how i am and i said as long as all these things and so

she checked and made sure and she wanted to make sure that i was comfortable and she wanted me there. I just think you should ask your cousin outright. Are you boosted? Do you and will you be wearing a mask on the plane? I don't think there's a way to ask this gently. You just ask them because if not, explain to them that she is putting your grandparents at risk because that's not not just your grandparents, but you two and other people and you're all staying in the same place and if she can't comply with that then let your grandparents know too because like do they have any influence on her and can they reach out um and say the same things that you're saying because like it's just cruel if you're gonna put your grandparents at risk it's just cruel

yeah my vote is to play the grandparents card i would talk to them first i would be like hey this just occurred to me and like I'm supremely uncomfortable with this I don't feel safe personally I'm concerned about anyone else who is on the flight like people with a compromised immune systems people who aren't flying for a like a luxury vacation that we're doing like people who are flying for a for a need going to see someone who is sick people with babies people who just don't have full immune systems there and then also you both like I'm so I'm really not okay with that and it was an oversight on my part and we need to make sure that she gets her booster and like think it's like a not even asking them like hey what do you think they just like we're

all on the same team here and we need to make sure that we can make this safe for all of us i don't think that there is a way for you to enjoy this trip protect your safety and your grandparents safety and all that if she decides that she doesn't give a shit about it i don't think it's worth it for you to go i don't think you'll have fun so i get that it's like a free trip but i think if you're not comfortable and you're not going to have a good time wasted money someone else is like wasted like that's water under the bridge like it's just it's not important when it comes to all of this and like if your grandparents don't want to rock the boat and they're fine with like the risk that also doesn't need to mean that that makes you fine

with the risk like someone with a compromised immune system or someone who's older um that's not an innate sense of extra caution and protection and so you don't have to take their lead it doesn't need to make you feel more comfortable or more secure and if you don't want to feel culpable or like you took part in potentially affecting anyone else's health but also even just putting your own at risk you don't have you don't owe anyone that just because it didn't cross your mind at the moment like that's i don't think it was a personal fault i think like to assume and expect that people should be boosted and doing all of those things like i don't think that you're in the wrong for not double checking and ensuring before you spent your money i think the people

who aren't taking precaution about their health and other people's like those are the people who are in the wrong and if that means your grandparent that means your aunt and uncle are out money because they don't want to say anything to her then that's what that means but that doesn't mean that you should risk your safety especially because you said that like you got sick september like you're finally feeling better after getting sick september of last year and so pushing yourself and pushing your immune system after you've dealt with a covid infection that lasted six months even if you just push yourself and not get covid again it can be detrimental to your physical health as well as i think your mental health specifically with your cousin i if she can't abide by this stuff

i just don't think that you're gonna enjoy your time i don't think it'll be worth it for you you'll be so cautious and looking out for like making sure that you're not getting touching or breathing the same air for a long time i mean even just like having to wear like you're all staying in separate rooms you're staying in the same condo condo but do you have separate rooms like that's just a lot because then you have to wear your mask all the time and there's like risk when you're going out and traveling and like that's one that like you can all decide how much you're going to mitigate that risk and like what you're all comfortable with but when it comes to setting yourself up for success with boosters and masks like you've

all consented to the possible risk that is getting on an airplane and that is traveling and what maybe it's going to a restaurant all of those things but that's baked in with the baseline of up-to-date vaccines and boosters and a mask and if she can't do that then you're not on the same page with safety precautions right but i'm sorry this is like there's absolutely nothing worse than people like especially because you've been sick for a while like i i really understand looking forward to something as like a reward or as something that like you've been counting down the days to that feels like something that old you would have done or pre-covid you and then having that your basic safety needs you and other people's basic safety needs not be met and then you have to

miss out on something because other people won't be considerate that's awful it very much is oh all right let's take another break all right let's get into don't blame them don't blame them is where one of you our listeners calls in with your own advice pertaining to a call that we played on a previous podcast so maybe you have personal experience by way of like it's a professional question and you're like oh i'm in that profession or something family related you have a similar dynamic or you know you've just been through similar life event before personally or was close with someone who had and you have your own insight that you would like to give a caller or you just think you give wonderful

amazing great advice which relatable so do we and you would like to share with us oh yeah here we go hi megan and melissa i'm calling in for don't blame them if you hear a car in the background i am parked in a mall parking lot so i am not driving i'm calling in for the most recent episode where the caller was talking about uh how does she break it to her parents that she is no longer religious i'm just going to echo a lot of what melissa was saying i myself identify as christian as does my husband, but we just don't go to church. And that was something that my parents specifically had to come to terms with because they were both raised in the church. My mom was raised Irish Catholic. My dad was raised Deep Southern Baptist. And we would always go to church

on Saturday night with the Catholics and Sunday morning with the Baptists. As I got to college, I realized that I didn't really want to go to church just because being gay in the church was very traumatizing. And that was something that my parents and I had to come to terms with. And they're now not super okay with it, but they're more okay with it than they were in the beginning because they understand where I'm coming from. And I've kind of had more open conversations like, hey, this is why I decided to not go to church. This is why I decided to stop going to church. I am still a Christian, but I do not want to go to church because there were so many people that just kind of kept invalidating me and kept telling me I'm

going to hell just for who I am and who I love. So I very much understand where the caller is coming from of not wanting to be a part of that organization anymore. It's going to be a difficult conversation caller. All I can say is just rip the bandaid off and go from there. And it's going to take a couple of years to repair the relationship. So just be prepared for that and definitely do what you need to do to mentally prepare for all of this. Thanks so much. I love the podcast. Bye. Fantastic. Great call. Caller, if you're watching and you saw our reaction, it was it that we it was a double whammy on both parental sides the specific religious denominations of each parent is as someone who i didn't grow up with any religion but i grew up

with a parent who was trauma a traumatized irish former irish catholic and it's a lot it's a lot yeah i commend every like mott's and i like i don't even know how we came across like talking about it this weekend but we were just talking about people leaving religions and um leaving the religions that they grew up in and you know maybe that means forming their own relationship with whatever higher power they believe in or whatever and i was saying that i was like that is something that like i have done a lot of things in my life that like i think require like a lot of like strength but that is something that like i will never ever know the strength that it takes to do that and like when it comes to like the hurdles that like you jump over for your

own invalidating your own mental health struggles having doctors and like all of those things like i've gone through that shit but like never once in my life have i ever had to then deal with the little voice in my head that's saying like well maybe am i doing this because i don't believe in god like am i being punished for like i've never i'm never going to experience that and knowing how many people there are who have experienced religious trauma and who have taken the steps to remove themselves from those specific groups and organizations like is fucking like incredible like it's just like it's it's amazing like removing yourself from something that like is the only thing that you've like known and it's this like abstract idea that's so much fucking

harder to choose yourself when it it's an abstract like you're not fighting a person standing in front of you you know what i mean like that's i just think it's um great and i'm glad that someone else was able to call in because obviously they can take your specific advice but it's not something that i've had experience with so thank you for the don't blame them caller for also contributing to this yeah oh the church that i grew up in always said like relationship over religion itself which is something that i've always held on to but you know i just realized that a lot of things that happen in churches are just a lot of things that i don't agree with and also aren't in the bible and so like people create their own things but i kind of i saw that you liked something that i

repost it with this pastor that was talking about just like things like transphobia and stuff and i was like that's actually the kind of church that i would want to go to but they're in atlanta but that's if if there was one here i haven't found any but if there's one here like that then yeah i probably would be at that church yeah i think a lot of people like it's so valid to like still carry a like a belief system because half the shit that like again i didn't grow up religious like half the shit that i know of the people who did it's like all the shit that they taught us and told us to believe would contradict all of this bigotry and hatred that they would also tell us that wasn't coming from the bible or any religion like so like it's this dichotomy of

that that like a lot of i think yeah there's a lot of people who i aren't then able to have like you have to go out of your way to find a like a church or a specific religious i don't know what a church or yeah a community yeah that like if it wasn't somebody that was christian but from a different yeah that like aligns with your beliefs as an adult but that's also putting like a lot on people to vet that and to know that they're not getting into all of that's like yeah to go through the same shit again i have some friends it's ty and samantha that are every sunday they're going to a different church and trying to find something that like they fit in and it's been difficult but they samantha's posting like the stories from the different churches and it's hilarious yeah

it exactly is it's well i think it would surprise a lot of people unless you know a good chunk about la la is like the home of a lot of mega churches and a lot of like you'd think in a place that is like super progressive you'd have a lot of super progressive churches but it's not necessarily that it can be kind of like the mask of that and like they're saying that but they're not and if you look deeper into their what they say are their core values and their belief system it's it's it's not it's kind of like anti-la culture and so it's like la culture is inclusive a lot of them are also just a lot of motivational speakers that are using church as a front to get money their careers yeah yeah and but to get money is the main thing it's like fame having a church is a tax write-off

that's why chris jenner has a church yeah there's like the fame element like your waiters in la will be aspiring actors but then a lot of people like you can become famous for being a pastor in la and then you can be a personal like religious like the person that celebrities lean on yeah like so i hillsong and that shit thrives here and then like yep if any people a lot of people have heard of hillsong but like just know that there's like five other ones that are like slightly smaller than hillsong that are like competing with hillsong in la yep yeah anyways that's it for our episode well we hope you all enjoyed if you did you can leave us a review wherever you listen to podcasts apple podcast spotify we love it so much you can also follow the our personal instagrams

individual ones tell us how gorgeous we are how funny we are how amazing we are and then we also podcast instagram account which you can follow and i will get better at posting on there and just to you know go back to personal accounts i'll be starting to post some um content soon so please follow me fantastic i love that for you yep anything else that's it okay join our patreon on and listen to the rest of the episodes this week and yeah see you later bye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter