Don't Blame Me! - Dating a Virgin

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Tw: Rape (Third Call) Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Moving from a red state to a blue state Cleaning habits with your partner Dating someone with less experience than you Friend's boyfriend telling her to go to therapy Don't Blame Them: Setting boundaries with your boyfriend's sibling Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

i'm ready to give terrible advice welcome to an episode of don't blame me this is a call-in advice show where y'all call in and give advice and you're probably wondering what makes us so qualified to give this advice you did say they're calling in and giving advice yeah um what makes us so qualified i have to say it's your beautiful accent thank you i don't like this why don't you like it because it's creepy and you told me i'm not allowed to do mine because it's bad yeah because i am from the south i just want to you you're like from the south of the deviated septum and like like valley girl voice like there's there's layers to this this character i know this is i mean i'm exactly doing what you're saying because what

i'm doing is i'm emulating the beverly hillbillies and they were southern to beverly hills is the place you gotta be especially if you got deviated septum they'll fix that real fucking quick yeah they struck oil you do you know about beverly hillbillies the beverly hill is that different than the beverly hills troupe um with that lady with the i think i saw that one one time not not the same at all the same no beverly hillbillies was a sitcom came on they then remade it into a movie like later like okay but it was a sitcom that came on like the 70s 60s maybe about a family hillbillies uh-huh from the deep south that struck oil on their land and then they moved to beverly hills that is the beverly hillbillies that was part of the theme song

did they like was it filmed in la yeah so did they like do la things or like they were just it was about hillbillies who suddenly came into a lot of money yeah and so it was about them like trying to assimilate to beverly hills see i would like that now like i don't want to see what like i don't care what you were doing in la back in the day but like i want to see you take your friends on the pch and go share lives there maybe we're pretty sure everybody says she does no i know for a fact she did because she was friends with those people that i did oh great so then we can now confidently say sure lives there she put that house for sale so she doesn't live there anymore but share she lives there but like for a few more into the house okay so if you're going now and

then you can also do you should have seen what the century city mall looks like before the renovation and here is the beverly center which has the longest renovation in the entire world and then we'll go here and here's the gas station that is so stupidly expensive nobody goes here and there's a bit with people on the internet yes here's pink's hot dogs which for some reason has a line down the street and nobody i've ever met has ever eaten there and it's actually horrible i've eaten there and it was disgusting it's awful here's pink taco the same way the hot dog kind of like it's meaty in a way that it shouldn't be meaty gamey it's a gamey hot dog it's not even gamey it's like kind of it was like the hot dogs are overcooked oh no there's a bite

so there's just like oh they're flapping in the wind and so when you bite into it it just kind of folds over no you need to use your canines to tear it up that's i can't stand that i can't stand that like that's what i want like i want like the real fake la like that kind of thing where it's just like oh this is how this goes like how do i figure this place out this is so this is great you go to the trader joe's and you have to get like a parking validated and then they're like sorry you can get validated you can't leave your car here and then it's actually a hundred dollars for you to leave this parking lot like just like the quirky things about living in a small town i had an epiphany yesterday okay and it was and i blame tiktok for this i i live

to blame tiktok for everything on trader joe tiktok trader joe's no i like i like i like an individual no no i don't i think we should keep with trader joe i was on the trader joe's i was on joe's tiktok what i was trying to do was try to make it not seem like i was on actual trader joe's oh but i'm on tiktok the side the ticker the ticker yeah see trader joe's side of tiktok yeah and i just keep getting shown all these delectable things and i was like is it time for my return i saw someone famous at trader joe's the other day but i don't remember who it was surprise surprise you forgetting something what i've never gotten anything before half the time i'm like do i know you are you famous i mean or do i know you because we used to take pilates

together or do i think i know you because i saw you five seconds ago and my brain is like you look familiar i'm like yeah because you just saw them i was out with one of my famous friends and somebody was like we went to high school together and they were like no and they're like i think we did didn't you go to nope i'm not from there and i was like you're gonna tell them and they didn't And in another place, they said, you look like this character. And they're like, huh, yeah, I get that all the time. And it was them. Hey, you got to make life, you got to keep life fun.

Keep them on their toes. I love that. Yeah. That's really funny. Anyways, welcome to Don't Blame Me. Like Melissa said, we're an advice podcast. That wasn't me. Prove it.

I can't. there's actually like no recorded evidence it's like not on audio and it's also not on the video on patreon which you should go join that's the only way you can really prove it yeah looking at the video fbi otherwise you can't video audio anybody i was actually this whole podcast has been too deep it has been deep fakes a whole time deep fakes deep fake audio it's just people doing impressions a funny bit that is anyways welcome we're gonna give you some wonderful advice um because we're the best and we can't do anything but literally we just can't be anything other than like the best amazing great like gorgeous stunning intelligent sexy exuberant lickable

are you about to come here with a weird ass fucking sound effect no i was changing it so i didn't accidentally play the sound effect okay because have we been keeping those in the episode no i've been forgetting to actually send them to coco so then she doesn't put them in because i don't send them okay well just know that like the last like three times we've reported melissa like has randomly accidentally played a weird ass sound effect i forget that those happened and then so i haven't been sending them to her yeah yeah so it's okay well now you know inside the podcast studio so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode because this is voicemails voicemails voicemails you send them to us meganpodcasts at gmail.com or you leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976

voicemails are like you know for the international but if you could send one if you're not international but like why i prefer you not to no just send the call i mean it's like a catch 22 if you will because if you do the call then we can transcribe it faster but if you do the voice memo the quality is better unless you're poison gamer headsets then audio is great and you'll hear an example of that in just a few minutes yeah for the calls you need to keep it under three minutes we say that you should practice time it out write down everything that you want to say read it time yourself make sure it's under three minutes that you have all the relevant information it's all anonymous include your ages multiple people in their pseudonyms it's all anonymous but how long

have you been dating how if about living together how long have you lived together how old are you like all the information is very important it is like so fucking important and if you are international and like your age is related to something like you're like oh i'm this age and like we're doing body shots like my advice is going to be pretty different if you're in a country where that's legal or illegal right like we want to give you the most applicable advice to your situation but we need to know what your situation is before we can give you the best advice exactly yeah and if you want to watch the video version we're on patreon so you can see our wonderful faces and facial expressions and we have an update so you will hear what episode this is

from and what the new news is. Roll the tape. So I am providing an update for the going from platonic friends to casual dating, I think was the title of it. I wrote my notes. I should have checked my notes. But yeah, so my original call was, oh, I'm a 29-year-old non-binary Pisces. And I have been platonic friends with this guy who I met through our local theater community for a couple of years. And we just recently started casually dating. I think I described myself in the original call as a serial monogamist. And maybe that is kind of a misnomer because it's not like I've gone from like monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship one after another. I've just been in one monogamous relationship for really like for the past

several years. So going from that to anything else is kind of a huge difference. So when I called in, I asked for some, some advice or some guidance on like how to deal with this feeling of like this person that I, that I love in like a friendship way to now we're navigating kind of a new relationship. And so like, how do I deal with that? Your advice was not, I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting, this is a bad idea. Don't do it. Sorry, but not sorry. No, yeah, no, do not, do not be sorry. Because I mean, that was like what I needed to hear was, not just what I like wanted to hear like blind validation right like I needed to hear that this is maybe not a good idea and you should be really really serious and really cautious about like what

what your expectations are what you're feeling and so I really did take it to heart and I actually so I called in about a month before the episode with my call actually aired and I was outside of the restaurant right before our third date and so I've I've obviously been on that date already and um it went well thanks thanks for asking um and we've so um so me and this guy have been been dating regularly like for I guess since then since like I don't know when when this will air but it's been it's been almost a couple of months at this point and it's been going well we've been like talking a lot like there's a lot of check-ins about hey so I have serious feelings for you but I still don't want to like be your boyfriend and that has come from the both of us like that's a

very mutual feeling like I think when I say that we're casually dating I do mean I don't know I don't know if that's even the right thing to call it but like we're yeah we're not trying to put a label on it or anything but we have like gone to a friend's wedding after party together as each other's dates like we went on a few kind of private quiet dates at first and then we went on some group outings and so our friends know that we're seeing each other but our friends also know that I at least am seeing other people I'm like dating other people from dating apps like I'm not dating any other friends so yeah I guess that's that's kind of where we're at now but if you guys had any questions yeah I do I have so many questions is he dating other people he's not

dating other people but not necessarily because he like doesn't want to just because he's busy because of his his job and his lifestyle in general he's like a busy guy so that's kind of one of the reasons that he doesn't want to commit to being my boyfriend is because he feels that he doesn't like have the time to commit to that kind of relationship there have been other like I don't want to spill someone else's beans but there have been other relationship things that have happened that have he's put up certain boundaries for this relationship for our relationship and I I just want to respect that as much as I can so but no he's he's not dating other people but I am wow this so do you have time like that's the part that I'm like so you have time to like do

do the both things like would you consider him like um I don't know if you're using the term like primary partner like if you would do you value like making time like if you're planning a date let's say you're seeing like four people like is it first come first serve like we made a thing first but if like this person needed like you know if he was like hey i like need you to come do this thing like would you drop someone else like not like permanently but like cancel plans to do pick up plans with him or like where does he fall in like your ranking like is he number one on the bench lineup or number two that's a really funny way to put that really great question um so i would consider him like yes like he gets he gets first dibs this is the

more serious like connection I guess that of of the other stuff I have going on this is a serious connection that I don't really have with anyone else at this time I have sort of in the recent past had like more than one serious connection going on and at that point it is just kind of a case-by-case basis of like okay if if both of these people ask me on a date at this like on the same day at that point it's like which which of these events is like the more the more hefty thing like that's the one i'm gonna go with yeah who has better plans yeah there's better plans yeah like what's more fun right am i going to like someone's baby shower or am i just like going to quiznos you know like that's kind of where like where the hierarchy goes i'd pick quiznos i don't

even know if i want i like i don't want to say primary partnership because again i'm like trying to respect his boundaries but for me just only speaking of my feelings yes this is like the what did you say the number one on the on the lineup yeah yeah number one he's number one on the roster first on the call sheet right yeah yeah so you put them in i don't want this to come exactly i don't want this to come across like disrespectful or like anti-non-monogamy at all like i'm very i'm not not personally for me adhd i can't focus on that many things can't have that any plate spinning fair but like for you like now that you have like gotten out of a very long-term relationship and like there is something really comforting about dating someone whether casually

or seriously that you have a friendship with like even though it's not like a seven-year-long relationship like there is a little bit more history there to that do you so like I'm saying like you know kind of has he kind of has a leg up on other people that you're probably seeing but if he was interested and like he hadn't set up the boundaries of like you know but yeah he doesn't want doesn't have the time to commit to a relationship at this moment do you feel like you would want to get back into another like similar long-term relationship that you had before which then could potentially make you a serial monogamist like would you want to get back in to something like that with him like do you feel i don't want to say they got out of your

system but do you feel like this is a new chapter did you feel like there's like a new book of life like or do you feel like this is like a chapter that will have an end date for you and like you'll want to get back into a relation like a more serious relationship or a more monogamous relationship with one person and do you feel because like i think about this all the time where it's it's so much less about the people and it's about like what what you're ready for like i think that with people like who get married and get engaged i'm like yes it's about having the right person but it's so much more about like where you're at so like eliminating him from the situation and like I'm not saying eliminating his boundaries but like eliminating like those

conversations do you feel like this is like continuing on on this path for you like this journey is not done or do you feel like oh okay I've done this and now I kind of want I've seen this other side and like do you see yourself getting into a similar I don't know how the relationship what the old relationship was but do you see yourself getting into like a similarly long relationship now so that's something that i'm open to discussing if that was something that this this person brought to me like hey i i do want to get more serious and i do want to like put a label on this be facebook official like meet your parents blah blah blah i would be so open to considering that and to having that conversation is that something i'm like looking

for right now not necessarily but that's also not something I'm opposed to right now I am kind of just having a good time like seeing what not to be so woo-woo about it but like what comes to me like I'm just kind of being as open-minded as I can while also being honest with myself as and saying like I do check in with myself a lot and I'm like okay am I having a good time like am I actually doing this because I like want to be dating other people is this like a I don't know escape mechanism or a self-harm thing and so i i not to brag but i am in therapy and i feel like brag brag brag all about it yeah yeah therapy but yeah that's i'm open to that like i'm open to crossing that bridge if if we come to it i personally think that this is a great way to go

about dating after you've been in a long-term relationship for that long you're getting back on the saddle you're dating a friend that you like and then you got your other play things that are you know bench warmers i think this is great i think it's a good rotation to have and especially like right you know yeah doing all the check-ins and stuff like i think like i'm not gonna lie to you i still stand by i said the first time like this could go abysmally wrong but but i think you know that at least you have you know it could go wrong you're in therapy and you've got the rest of the bitch yeah like i think you've padded your situation quite well that like you know as long as like you are aware that like hey this could absolutely blow up my

face like i just shoot like that all the time that this could blow up my face but like i'm consenting to it potentially blowing up my face and that's fine to be the greatest exactly and like that's a risk worth taking that's and i feel like like people like that's part of dating is taking risks oh without a doubt and being with somebody that's your friend that also has their own boundaries that you're that are very clear that you both understand and are welcoming of and respectful of i think this is a great setup yeah now knowing also that you're not actually a serial monogamous you're just in one long monogamous relationship that does change things too because like serial monogamous yeah i'm not no i'm not i'm not a serial monogamous i'm just

an idiot and don't know like you're talking to someone who like doesn't know any fucking words i just spent like last half of like the podcast record before this just being like i don't think i know how to read like i understand so like that yeah i think that like you're able a serial monogamous there's a way different mindset and like a different like comfortability pattern so like it makes sense to me that you're kind of like scratching the itch of like what a long-term relationship is and that's hooking up with and dating a friend but then you're also like dating other people like what you like yeah you're not slipping back into something that's exactly like you did before just like without the label and like you're not hoping that that label is

going to like suddenly appear there like you know you're doing the inventory you're doing all the work so i think you're doing i think this is great word yeah there's no there's no ulterior motives i'm not like hoping this will go one way or another and i don't think the other guy is either so yeah yeah this is great then i think that's great then i'm i'm all on board with this we love the clarity we love you know yeah elevation therapize well i'll continue to keep y'all posted please do blows up or if it if we get married you know i'll let you know but we love it we like we yeah we worry about it decide you just want to be friends yeah couldn't be me because i'm i'm so petty but like i can't be me i'm i'm envious of people like like both like being

able to do that i've never been the bigger person in my life never i'm just tall that's it yeah i will say also i told him that i called an advice podcast and he thought that was really funny and we like talked about it he's like what did you say see the the fact that y'all even talked about it yeah really good yeah if you could talk about it and be like i literally call this podcast and these people were like yeah it's a really bad idea and then you can both laugh about it and continue your day and then like fuck later like then i'm just like whatever we said like fucking ignore us like you're doing your own thing like you're good like that level of communication life experiences do it for the plot yeah i love it y'all are so kind no i would never i would

never ignore your advice you know i wouldn't have called y'all if i didn't want to actually hear what you had to say so i'm i'm honored that you cared enough to want an update we do calling us kind one yeah that don't know how that happened and two thank you for you know not taking our advice but still like coming for the update and then sharing like what you did take from it and you know yeah we're happy for you and i'm i've got my popcorn like i'm ready to get the updates as this happens it's no it's no got peed on by the bride but i'm hey we can't we can't all get peed on we can't we can't all get peed on by the urine yeah god and shower it's disgusting i'm not over it well thank you so much for giving the update and yeah we look

forward to hearing more as things come and wishing you lovely wonderful amazing relationships and fun times and just like good wet sex good wet sex awesome thanks y'all appreciate you of course have a good one wow look at us we change clothes really fast oh we have other podcasts too and the outfit changes are on on top of it so we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back hi so we're back at it again and now it's time to get the nitty-gritty you came here for the advice and you're gonna get advice is it gonna be good always is it gonna be chaotic maybe i think it'll be well on a mood will your therapist approve i don't know a lot of therapists do approve of us sometimes people like i see people i think a lot of people online say that they're

therapist and like they're in college like they're in school and undergrad and they're like yeah like this is like blah blah blah my mindset i'm like i don't trust you i get that but you're trying to make us look worse i'm saying oh no no i know that was just a sidebar no therapists like us hairstylists like us grad students like us not all of them i just know a couple doctor doctor who's our second doctor the other one's in school doctor likes us soon

if you don't fucking fail or you don't hate us before you finish Dr. Oz is one well that's a negative 10,000 points well shall we get into the calls

roll the tips hey Eminem I'm a 22 year old woman who goes by she her Small trigger warning, mention of childhood trauma. I'm calling in needing advice on my dilemma. I've lived in Florida since I was a child, so it's basically all I know. I've lived with my parents since I was young. I wasn't able to afford housing either when I was in college.

You know, that being said, my parents are really strict, and when I would go out and party with my friends on weekends, my mom would text me nonstop telling me to come home. And a sense of that caused me to crave freedom, and I grew up in a Christian household as well, Also, when I'm having identity issues, it's not something I can speak about. At the time, I had a tiny crush on this girl I met at a bar. I was so close to letting my mom know, but I just never did. I've always wanted to move out for these reasons and some deep-rooted trauma. I feel like since I was young, I've always wanted to move far away, but I never had the chance.

I was thinking of moving to L.A., you know, across the country. So dramatic, I guess. But my entire family sticks up their nose, and no one in my life seems to think this is a good idea or I can do it. I weigh out the pros and cons, and I've been thinking about this for years. I know I'm young, so I can make silly mistakes and sometimes it can be rash, especially when I'm thinking, and naive, but I feel like my gut is telling me to go. I visited before, but I only stayed for a couple of days due to it being very last minute. The things I have in order, I have about 3K saved right now, also saving as well. I was planning on renting an Airbnb before signing a lease so I could make sure this is what I want.

When I first got my job, my hiring manager said it's possible for me to also transfer there. Plot twist, I'm supposed to move January of next year. However, I fear if I put it off too long, I'll be stuck and complacent with where I am. Do you have any advice on how much money I should have saved if I should wait? My mom also said that I wouldn't want to get there because a lot of the liberal voters are moving out and into Florida. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm also an Aries, and I love the pod. I've been listening since the very first episode.

Bye. Wait, so the last part she was saying her mom said that all the liberals are leaving? They're leaving. That's like... And moving to Florida. That's like really not true. all the conservatives are closeted conservatives and uh socially liberal fiscally conservative are the ones moving to even states with lower taxing like there's still plenty of people moving into

california i saw somebody break down the video on because there's this guy that like studies trends and stuff like as far as numbers and shit like that and migrations and somebody had commented that same thing on his tiktok and then he broke down like how people are actually moving and it's still more people are still coming to california than leaving yeah and also more people like move to california than like almost like any other state like it's people flock there not even just for jobs like it's also the biggest i think it's the biggest state with the most tourism within america like americans coming to yeah california i say this with love you need so much more than three thousand dollars in savings to move the airbnb thing is not a bad idea and

concept but you're gonna blow all of your money on an airbnb to figure out if you want to be here like you need to have a friend that you can stay with a friend to stay with um but if if you've got your job says you can transfer here then that you know that helps take care of it i will say like maybe instead of an airbnb and if you don't have a friend i did when i first moved out here i had date with a friend for like 30 months um but you can also sublet yeah that's that would be like if you don't have a friend that would be you don't need to airbnb you should sublet from somebody yeah you should under no means should you airbnb for like a time period to figure out if you like the city because you have to think about like the investment of like okay well i need to figure out

if i like it and it's like oh well are you gonna blow all your savings and then be like okay i don't like it yeah or I do like it like then what like what I did I don't know if you're what's up with your job like if they have an office or anything here but what I did is I worked on a few student films before I moved here to see if I liked it and then stayed with my friend I came here like three or four times I think like you coming from another beach area like Florida I mean I guess not all Florida's beach but like coming from like a state that's pretty that coastal to another one like there are very large differences in specifically like the climate and like the politics and people but I think in general like I I've had a newfound renaissance

love of LA like especially with where I moved and like I have figured out that for me the thing that like I realized was I only saw LA as work like I never saw kids playing and hanging out like I never saw like I only saw like the grind I only saw people working seven days a week like it wasn't I couldn't see it as a home until I moved into a home with other people like watching them raise their kids and like I saw a different side of it but I will say that like if your job isn't industry like entertainment industry based in LA I would if I were you I would treat this as a maybe i'll move there for a couple years but to kind of put all of your eggs in one basket of like la la's are really fucking expensive really hard city to live in that like people who don't need

to live in la and they don't work in the industry you get burnt out because your job and your life would be a lot easier if you worked in the industry or you lived somewhere else like it just kind of gets in the way of everything else and so like that's what sends people to leave la is because they don't actually need to be there. And there's a lot of people who have to be in LA for work. And so a lot of the negative side effects of like the immense amount of traffic,

like streets being closed down because they're filming shit, like events, like all of that stuff, that stuff, like you have a much wider bandwidth of patients when it's your field. When it's not your field, it's like you're, what the fuck are you doing? Like you are ruining this.

Like you're in the way. This is too busy, blah, blah, blah. I do have a few friends that live here because they love living here and don't live in the industry. and so they don't live in like LA LA they live in like South Bay yeah so like without knowing what industry you work in it's kind of hard but like most of my friends that don't work in the entertainment industry don't like live in actual LA and I think it because South Bay is more like

it feels more suburban yeah and like you can go either direction and it will feel like that so like if you're in the entertainment like industry then you're gonna end up in LA or New York like pretty much regardless if you're trying to broaden your career and not stay in like a local kind of thing so if that's what you want to do like go for it but also if that's not where your career is i would move out of i wouldn't live in la proper and you know la county and la city are very different there's also what locals and people who live here consider la i think if you're interested in getting into the industry and like even pivoting jobs i would still say that like this shit's gonna be so fucking expensive and yes gas is expensive but rent is more expensive so like so expensive like

three thousand dollars is rent for a month like so that's not enough to have saved up like in general i think the rule of thumb is like your emergency fund should be six months of your rent like that should it should cover minimum six months of your expenses but like at the very lease like your rent and that's assuming if you can get food at work or whatever also in la they make you have like for rent first last and a deposit yeah so that says unless 3 000 is not going to be enough no so like you basically unless you have like a parents co-signing that like it's also going to be pretty hard to get an apartment there and like to find an apartment that you could afford in la city proper that might be within your budget is not going to be a location that like i

think you should move when you first move to la like it's just you there's going to be a reason why that it's that cheap and it's not going to be the best for you so i would say like i don't know like go on google earth like watch video watch people on youtube like you know like tours of like vlogging a day in san diego vlogging a day in and i wouldn't say orange county if you want maybe you want a slight sidestep to florida she's trying to i know exactly you want you want the total opposite so like but i would like look at that stuff because yes traveling there and like you know seeing it all in person is great but like you said like you're young you said you could be impulsive and like make a risk i don't think there's anything wrong with that like i

left yeah you should do it but you need to do it with the money that you have and sure the ideal way is spending a couple times in like weeks there and making sure that you like it but the reality is is like you're gonna see it sight unseen in person you're gonna sublet a place and you're gonna do it for three months and if you fucking hate it you'll come back like that's the way to do it you don't have to like prepare and set like roots to make sure that like oh i want to live here for the next 10 years like all you have to do is like live there for like a three-month sublet that is like all you have to do and after you do that then decide where you want to be and what's going to be the best location for you but out of the city is going to be better and i would i would

agree i would do south bay like that's where i would move because you think you'll have a little bit more fun but i it's a hard city to live in and i love it like i love i love being in california and you moved in a far more similar culture shock difference but you just need to remember that like there are some really, really, really great things, but there are other things that it's just a little bit harder. Like it's like New York, New York is hard to live in. Like LA is hard to live in. Like it's a hassle to get groceries. It's a hassle. Like I could never live in New York. And like, I think like getting in my car and being in traffic, like that is fucking par for the course. Like I'm fine with it. I'm so okay with it. But some people

makes them stir crazy. And so the pro con list, realizing that like, how do you like to live your life in a day-to-day like space like do you like having a car like do you not like driving do you not like driving on the freeway like not just people's political affiliations because you're going to find people of of all political affiliations in la but it's you know you also find people lying about where they fall on the spectrum yeah and i was gonna say just a little quick tidbit rick caruso is not a democrat so if you see people being like yeah no i'm liberal like yeah brick crusoe like great that's not it's not it it's really not it i will also say that like the ask los angeles and like la subreddits are really great for like a lot of people who've

like just moved to like you know find events and like talk about like things to go to and all of that stuff but it's hard so i would i would yeah i would treat it like a three months sabbatical not from work but like i would treat it like that not you don't have to love it for the rest of your life yeah I mean and for me um because I moved from in case you didn't know I moved from Arkansas and I told everybody in my life I was moving and they didn't actually believe me into like I I set like a day I'm leaving I saved up money got my car people didn't believe I was leaving till I was actually leaving and then my mom was like oh I'm coming now to help you move and I was like okay whatever you can pay for this um and so uh yeah like i understand like people not actually

thinking that you're gonna go like you just have to set your own timeline and go and then when i got here it was like i think a lot of people talk about like la being so fake but it's about finding your community of people that you enjoy so when i got here um i had a friend that lived here and i stayed with her for a few months um she introduced me to some of her friends also i i was in school so i met people through school and then i went to like alumni events from university of arkansas that were here too um so then i was meeting a lot of different types of people and it's weird there's probably people you know like from honestly that that are here there's so many people that i went to college with that are like they might have been a few years older younger

than me, but we were in school at the same time. There's so many people here and it seems so rampant. Like I've gone to events and just ran into people that I knew from college. So like find people that are from the same place that you are, because then it helps like having that familial, like even if they weren't like exactly your friend, then they might become your friend now because there's just an understanding. It's hard to find people to make friends with in LA. like la kind of feels like an abandoned city with like people are everywhere but then the second you see someone and you meet someone like everybody's looking to like make friends and make new friends like it can be very isolating because you're in your car all the fucking time but there's not

always some spontaneous moments to make friends with strangers like you have to kind of put a little bit of legwork in and then you meet one person you're now in a hundred like it's really like networky in that sense but it's it's just different like it's a very different place to live and it also really varies neighborhood to neighborhood of like what kind of person people that you're going to get and what kind of lifestyle that they have like i think a lot of people when they talk about like oh la like a it's like fox news la it's not real but then also it's when you say fox news la are you talking about like actual fox no no no like the fox news version of like hollywood elites in la fox news la they're kind of cool no yeah like they're it's not regular

they're not like other fox news like it's not it's our local news yeah we're talking about fox local news and they're called fox yeah no yeah i mean you're talking about the the corporation yes and the as in the national yes indicated yes people talking about like oh la and these hollywood elite blah blah there's that version and then there's a lot of people who like are burned by la and hate la and then the only la that they see is like corporate work culture la and like there's no fun there and like the only people you see having fun are trust babies like trust fund babies like i would even say that like after those three months like you might it's not even like if you like la it's like do you like that neighborhood like do you like that area like there's a lot that

it has to offer and i think if you're drawn to la that's like a really good sign like a lot of people aren't like i think what people hear of la is way worse than what la is so i think if you're drawn to it i think you'll be even more surprised how much you like it when you're here because it's better than how people describe it but it is like really what you make of it and if you want to be here i think you'll put all that effort in but again financially i just like cannot explain to you like it's it's not just your rent like your rent is so expensive like you have to pay for parking like at your if you get an apartment you have to pay for parking the apartment if you don't have apartment parking you have street parking you have to pay for a street parking permit and

you might as well have a budget line for parking tickets because they're inevitable inevitable like inevitable like even just groceries are expensive you have to pay to park anywhere you have to pay to park at target at the grocery store like and if you suddenly forget it like just if you're not even used to doing that like you're gonna pay like 25 dollars 50 dollars 100 dollars every time you lose a ticket but if you're in south bay you're good yeah no you're fine yeah it's like you and like gas prices yes are expensive but also like you're using more gas because you're commuting so it's a really high financial cost restaurants are so much more expensive oh yeah i remember the gym the gym i went i went back home to arkansas for um for uh

christmas christmas and i was there for a month and i was like i need to work out at the gym so i went to the gym and it was a brand new like state-of-the-art multi-level gym with all these classes and like amazing equipment and stuff and so i was like hey do you have like a like a um visitor thing and they're like yeah we can give you one for like two days or something but you'll have to buy like a membership if you want to come longer than that i was like okay and they said um it's a little pricey and i said okay like how much is it and they're like it's 25 dollars and i was like you can't even get a class in la you can't get first of all you can't get a class now you can't even drive to some class nor can you park there the class or rent the equipment

you need to use for the class and the classes were included yeah like it's not heard of here even in like restaurants like i'll forget like if i go to a restaurant here i just assume that i'm gonna pay a minimum of a minimum at like and it's not even like a great restaurant 35 dollars and add on tip and whatever and I go back and it's like ten dollars for a great meal and I forget see that's why honestly I'm the perfect person to have moved to LA because I moved from a place that's like even more expensive than LA to LA and then the only other place I really spent a lot of time in is New York so like if I like went to Ohio or some like other like smaller I'd be like for for free that's that's why I've been here so long like when I go back I forget it's a

lot so for sticker shock i do hope you live in miami right now yeah i don't think you do i think you'd be a little bit more i think yeah maybe there's a lot of conservatives in miami yeah that is true so but it's it's just a lot and it's not a place where you can cut it on a budget like you can't like you need a lot of money to live without a lot of money like it's like the the lifestyle that you would have there isn't a way to do it frugally and safely like it's just there it's just really there's not and that's the most important part like there's the people that i know that are doing it more frugally they're living in like a three-bedroom apartment with like six people there that are friends yeah like you can do it it's just not you're not going to be able

to do it when you start too though like it's going to be like you need to have enough savings saved up to then be able to get a situation where you can save a little bit of money out here but like in order to like get out here and start like you're gonna need a lot more than that like i would just look at average rent and then i would tack on if the apartment complex i would tack on 100 to 250 bucks for parking and if it's street parking i'd tack on 100 bucks for parking for a year that but i was gonna say it's street parking i'd do 100 bucks a month how much are those things though no i'm saying like oh meters oh oh okay we don't even have tickets yet i know but i was gonna say for the parking uh for the like la city parking passes and stuff that had one of those so

how much they cost that's like 100 bucks a year but like for an apartment 100 bucks to 250 bucks a month for a parking spot so like factor in that stuff factor in 100 bucks a month for parking tickets like factor in all of those other things not just rent and do that for six months and then see if you can and then do it for three and then see how that goes but like you don't want to be stuck out here without any money yeah it's really expensive all right next call hey i'm a new father but i've been doing all your stuff and me and my girlfriend we together i'm 20 she her she's 22 her we both kind of come from a different home life in a sense she grew up with her mom being a hoarder and I grew up in a very clean everything has a place type of household and

I just don't know how to communicate with her on how I like things without necessarily hurting my feelings or bringing up past trauma I tried saying something about it in the past but it just seems like it doesn't resonate with her or I guess necessarily get across because I really don't want to live where everything's just kind of everywhere so if y'all could give me any advice on that or any tips or pointers i'd be great um i really enjoyed the podcast thank y'all so much all right bye we haven't had a cleaning one in a while yeah a really long time actually i know so people might not know our controversial opinions on cleaning i think like the first thing i would say is there's a difference between someone who there's a lot of different reasons why someone is like messy like

there's no moral superiority for being like a like being clean like there's no moral weight to any of that it's not better or worse than anything else and but that's like not socially comfortable to say that like people like view cleanly what's the clean god line cleaning cleanliness is next to godliness i don't even know if that's exactly what it means but like that's how i've always the words i've heard of it as yeah like it's just viewed as like what is like superior and you were like i need to explain like how do i communicate how i like things how does she like things because if she's someone who like is it like scatterbrained does she like need to see everything out in order to like does she need to like is it helpful for her to have piles does

she like that does she like a maximalist look but also specifically like does she like to be able to see her things to know that they're there or is it i just haven't i i don't see the mess i don't see it and i don't like it and like it makes me anxious and i want to change i want to change i don't want to be like that because i think truly like your level of cleanliness and organization like how you like a house i think is i think it's the same level of like do you want kids what's your religious beliefs like it's really fundamental to who do you want that oh we talked about that i don't know how the fuck people do it who can have who are like two different temperature kinds of people like we're the same temperature person and it's great and moths is like whatever the

fuck you want i'm like amazing that's how your response to everything should be exactly but i think that like at a certain point like are you not compatible when it comes to like your living spaces like is it like is she gonna sacrifice her happiness for yours or are you gonna have to sacrifice your happiness for hers or is there a compromise or is this something that she wants to do. Like I didn't grow up in a clean house. Like I didn't grow up with, I didn't grow up in a hoarder's house, but I would say if there's like a couple steps between that, like I didn't grow up in a clean organized house where everything has a place. So I have adopted a lot of those cleaning mentalities of like you clean before people come, like you clean before people see.

And if like your house is messy, you can never have spontaneous hanging out with people. Like no one can come inside your house unless you've been prepared, which is awful. It's not fun. I don't like that about myself but like there's a way for me if someone was like you know if something was dirty or something like if you ever came over and like i mean you've seen my house fancy but i'm saying if you ever came over and you were like oh my gosh i got this thing that's like so helpful like this right here like it would fix right there that to me is not judgment that to me is like a i see that this is a problem i've had that problem i've been you look what i found that's like that's building someone up versus like I need you to do this this is disgusting blah blah blah blah

like there can't be an authoritative tone or like way you speak about cleaning because again like it is really attached to like especially if she grew up in a hoarder home like the trauma aspect of there like she might have not had great hygiene she might not have had been able to have her hair brushed like she might have been told that she smelled or she was dirty she might not have had people over at her house like there's so much more trauma there than just like people had a lot of stuff so like the connotation with someone who's not clean is the alternative is like you're disgusting and you're dirty and so you need to really separate those things also in your mind that like if you need something to be clean to a certain level you either need to be in it together

and not from an authoritative point of view or maybe this if this is how she needs it versus how you need it yeah yeah i'm like fine with my own mess but i hate other people's messes in my space yeah oh yeah and also i don't like anyone to ever see my house dirty unless i'm very close to them yep even like with you you never like saw a mess like a month ago maybe no i know we would still i think it was i don't know up until when we would still like we like would clean for and then it would be like oh we have to reschedule or something then it was like you know slowly getting like a little bit less and less but like yeah no we didn't there's still like things i'm gonna pick up yeah like i clean before you come over but it's not to the extent that i was cleaning

before like i was before i was like like mopping and no i'll clean for you the least but i'm still cleaning for you cleaning like i'm not gonna leave like a dirty pan in there no i won't see it though i can't see shit you can't see anything but i can see yeah and that's all that matters yeah but like people have a different level of messiness and you have to figure out when you're in a relationship or in a roommate situation or anything where you have more than like one person living together you have to like figure out what's everyone's equilibrium like where where can we live to wear it like it's just messy enough that you can deal with it and she's cleaning up enough that you can deal with it and so it could be like i don't know like what she does is she like leave

piles of clothes somewhere maybe put a hamper or baskets basket like where she usually leaves her clothes and then instead of putting it on the floor she's putting it directly into the basket is it leaving dirty dishes maybe say like you know after maybe it's like one person cooks one person cleans or saying like at the end of the night we're all we're going to clean together yeah like we because i know people that like don't go to bed with their house dirty yeah if that's your expectation like you have to set that with each other because like i think like the biggest thing baskets like anywhere if it's like oh like keys ghosts whatever like baskets everywhere baskets like even it's she does she keep glasses of water in the bedroom get a basket get a tub

that they get put in at the end of the day or the end of the week she bring like brings them back to the kitchen but cleaning is miserable for some people and the result is not worth the misery for other people like when that like when they've it's oh it's good work and then when i'm done like it feels so good and that was so worth it that's like legitimately not how everybody's brains work And I know that's hard for some people to like realize. So the actual effort isn't worth the reward at the end. And so you need to figure out like, like Melissa said, like, what is the in between? Because for you, if you want to clean, have the house spotless every night before you

go to bed, and that's absolutely fucking miserable for her, it needs to be like, okay, then this needs to be like, things just need to not be out at the end of the day. They're all in their like baskets. They're all in those things. And then when we're emptying those baskets, that's a once a week thing. and something that was helpful for me to like I haven't printed it yet but I like spent a bunch of time making like a chore chart of like okay how do I keep on top of things like I'm not good at that like I can pick up things when I see them but if one thing's on the floor it's fine for me

but then suddenly it's like nine things are on nine things are on the floor and now I'm anxious and I'm stressed and it's like gonna be a way harder for me it's gonna take me way longer to clean than it would have if I did it like five days ago so I like made this chart of like okay so every day I'm gonna do this every week I'm gonna do this like every two weeks I'm gonna do this every month this three times a year like all of those things and when you write those things down it's helpful and it feels like manageable tasks but like you need to redefine what the clean is for you and the expectation because it's gonna be hard for it's gonna look like it's gonna feel like mess for you and it's gonna feel like fucking sterile for her and and i like we're talking about

like different like ways of like cleaning or of cleanliness quote-unquote like I have to vacuum my couches air any soft surface and spray sanitizer on it and wipe down anything that's like been touched but I'm fine with stuff on the floor yeah so it's just like there's just there's levels to this yeah and again like I can't stress enough that like you're not and i don't mean that you are this at all but like there isn't like an authority on cleaning and especially when she has like trauma surrounding like i've got issues just from like growing up in a house that like wasn't that clean and like i don't like not knowing how to like do shit and that's not the level of everybody knows but when you're in a home with a hoarder like that's

that's the thing that like more people know about and so there's a way to kind of put yourself at her same level of like we're learning how to do this together and honestly even if you're lying about it even if you're like oh i like oh yeah i learned how i just learned how to do this like how cool is this like it needs to come from a place of like love and care not a place of like reprimanding or like fixing or changing or like teaching in a way that feels like a parent or a teacher that you're being scolded like yeah it's like a we're in this together figuring it out together i think that's always the best approach to take when things have like an emotional tie to them and there's emotional tied to cleaning for everyone even if you didn't have trauma

surrounding it yeah so best of luck you're both gonna have to compromise and it's gonna suck for both of you and that's just what that's legitimately what compromise kind of is like compromise just means it sucks a little for everyone giving a little bit of what they like you have to just give a little bit of that away yeah and it's uncomfortable but that eventually becomes comfortable because it's normal yeah so best of luck okay we take a break and we will be right back we're back hi are you excited to answer some more questions i don't know if they're Shitty ones, and no, I'm kidding.

Oh, wow. I'm very excited. Hey, ladies. I desperately need your help, and this is a juicy one. I, she, her, am 24 years old, and I live in California. I met a man very recently on who I'm falling for really fast. He's the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I've ever met. He checks all my boxes.

He's also very much my type in pretty much every way. But the thing is, he's a 26-year-old virgin. Is that a red flag or the biggest green flag ever? The reason this scares me is I lost my virginity at 16 and I've had an active sex life since. I'm comfortable growing at his pace physically for the most part, but I am a very touchy person. He's never had a serious or long-term relationship. The last quote-unquote relationship he had was in high school. Should I be worried he's afraid of commitment?

Should I worry there's something wrong with him? Should I worry about his dick size? Guys, no one has ever treated me this well. He's very adamant about waiting on having sex and is awkward and uncomfortable around the subject. He was raised very religious, but without good relationship role models, so I can't understand where this is coming from. I want to go at his pace, but I tend to move fast emotionally. I've been hurt so many times in horrible, traumatic ways by guys in the past, including my boyfriend of four years cheating on me and getting another girl pregnant

and, trigger warning, being raped in January by my ex. i'm scared this will end up being another life-altering heartbreak i just need help please advise also side note we're going on a date tomorrow so i guess we'll see what happens thanks ladies bye-bye again i feel like you might have called in before you heard this on the other podcast like we need to stop giving men the compliment of he treats me better than anyone i've ever dated before because from the two instances you said of people you've dated him not doing that bare minimum right absolute bare minimum okay also being a virgin is not a red flag or a green flag it's not a flag it's not a flag it's not a flag it's just it's they have

not had sex yeah it's or whatever their definition of being a virgin is i someone tweeted and said either uh boys liked you in high school or um you got taylor swift pre-sale tickets and so i quote to you and i said i will give my virginity back like i will i'm a born-again virgin now that's what it takes okay no but yeah it's it's literally not even a flag no it's nothing there like it's just i don't read into it at all no but you being like he's never had a serious relationship his only but like it was a pseudo relationship in high school like if that was the last thing like that isn't necessarily a red flag but it's also not a green flag that to me is a yellow flag that is like a okay am I looking for someone who has a lot of experience in

relationships in communication in relationships am I looking for someone who knows how to be a boyfriend and I'm not willing to like teach someone how to be in a relationship like you can decide if that's a red or green flag for you or you that's specifically for you yeah because you have to analyze it from your viewpoint because it's not fair to him you know because at a certain point that's like then what the fuck are people who have never had sex and never dated supposed to do right like just never like well too late now can't no one should date you so yeah I think that to me is like from what you've described very small snippet that we've gotten of like your relationships and like your life like you don't want to get fucked over you don't want

to get your heart broken again there's nothing you can do to like prevent that no matter if someone's been in a relationship before or hasn't no matter if someone's had sex before or hasn't Like those are so unrelated and we always run the risk of getting our heart broken when we date. And if that's something that you're not willing to risk, then I think it might be like take a little bit longer before you start seeing someone. But because we can't guarantee that, it feels like I wonder if you're trying if you're looking for something that's wrong with him because you really like him.

And I think you should just let yourself like him. and thing he said about his dick size i just looked down and realized that i mean you might not have listened to uh but am i wrong from two weeks ago but we talked about this and we feel that if you like somebody enough you'll make it work and if you want to hear more of our thoughts about that listen to fisting friday from last week and you mentioned that like you know you're comfortable going at his pace, but you're a really touchy person. I need us to eliminate the notion of people who being touchy as a thing that can be with anyone else who maybe is not interested in touchy people. I am not a touchy person. I do not like it. And I don't think that

if someone else is not into that, that it's like, well, I'm just a very touchy person. So like for you, I think I would practice being like, I like physical touch. That's how I like to give and receive love but that's what i like that's not how i operate like that's because that i think will i think that would be a red flag to him if that is not what he's into like you being like that would be a red flag so i think that like there's a lot of expectations and things we think that specifically the patriarchy has told us that men are supposed to be like men are just like oh they're like you know they're having sex they've had sex with more people than women have had sex with and all of that so like in these situations it can fuck you up they can give you

a little bit of pause even if you think that you have no internalized misogyny or anything like that like it's there are hang-ups of what we consider like macho attractive alpha men versus what women are supposed to be like and the men you've previously dated or whatever this seems like it's brand new for you so it's making you re-evaluate also who you are and like what this is like what is if he's a man like this then what does it mean that i am and like you don't have to have these like roles and assumptions of people if you like him you like him and like keep getting to know him keep going on these dates if you have sex and it's like fucking awful then like no that no harm there like that's really what dating is maybe his first time so most likely but like you

can work with it yeah and like if that's what you want do you still like him after like as long as like i think if you have the same expectations going in and you're communicative and it's not like oh this is a test you either pass or fail but like you know find out like for him and his pacing of like sex it's like so do you foresee yourself having sex for the first time with someone you're in a relationship with does it for you need to be someone that you love or what would happen if you had sex for the first time and like it doesn't be like in your like talking about you and him but like i don't think from what you've said it seems like he wants to get it over with And so then for you, I think you need to be make sure before you have sex with him that like you're not waiting for that to be the final test if you like him, because it's not going to be it's not going to be like the sex you've had before.

like it's going to be really different it's probably going to be like the first time you had sex when you were 16 but you're more experienced so it's going to be weird there's like there has to be a level of you like him so much that like you're excited to be that person that he's doing it with for the first time and you're excited to be the second person he's doing with and like you're excited for the second time you do it in the third time and it's not just leading up to that one moment because regardless of your gender sleeping with someone for the first time and then having them like be done or not call you again or like is a devastating thing absolutely even if you've had sex before right but if you haven't like there's some care that

needs to go into that because there's been care that's been put in on the other end yeah and if he wants to have sex with you then you need to be willing to put that care in yeah and communicate and if you're not then you know move on and that also doesn't make you like a bad person a bad person some people don't like to be teachers or yeah like and i mean it's i hate to say this but it's kind of an experiment the first time that you're having sex too and like i don't feel like that it can be pressure for if you think of it in a way of like taking somebody's virginity with that which i hate and i've talked about this before it puts too much pressure on it instead of just like two people having sex yeah like you're not like taking his

v-card or anything you're not taking anything from here him you're sharing something with him you'd like if you like when you get married you're sharing a marriage in a wedding day or whatever but like when you if you if you separate and move on you're like oh i've been married before yeah like that's something that you went through and you experienced but the same way that going to a concert with your friends like all of this like the choices that you make in these instances like in sex as well like you're gonna have shared the first time you have sex that's gonna be the person you had sex with for the first time and then when that person doesn't mean anything to you anymore you had sex for the first time like you're half of that and then when they're gone you're a hundred

percent of it and so just trying to put yourself back in the mindset of how how you felt the first time that you're going through all that and knowing that like yeah they're different age-wise but those societal expectations and standards of sex no matter how old you are like those are still there right so i would just be cognizant of that i don't want to say this in a way that like i'm assuming that you are but like you did bring up the green flag thing i would be really cautious to not fetishize it because that happens specifically a lot with like women who've never had sex before but it does happen with like men too where it's like oh my gosh you've never been tainted like you've never had your heart broken like this is like oh my gosh this is like oh

and that's a lot of fucking pressure on someone who's just like never had sex before like they're so unrelated and so thinking that like a virgin has the ability to break your heart just as much as someone who's had sex with 100 people so like he's not on a pedestal but you're also not above him like it's just it is what it is and if you're down to like experiment and try this stuff out and you're both on the same page of what that means and what that means in the future and like where you stand then go for it but if not i would i would dip out a lot earlier than waiting for that moment to then realize oh I don't want to do it so best of luck all right next call yeah I'm Megan and Melissa I'm a long-time listener and love both of your podcasts I'm calling because I

need advice on a situation I'm having with my friend slash roommate me 22 she her and my roommate also 22 she her I'll call her Cassie or in grad school and have been living together just the two of us since June two years ago Cassie was seeing a guy a couple years older than us that also went to college with us. They weren't exclusive and knew their situationship would end once he graduated and moved back home. Cassie was in love with him though. They ended up breaking up and Cassie shared with me a text conversation that they had when this guy was drunk one night where he was saying really rude things to her which made her rightfully upset. A couple months later they started hooking up again and decided to be friends with benefits. Cassie was still very much in love

with him and would often visit him at his house that is four hours away from us. Fast forward to this past summer, Cassie visited him in May and said she was in love and had a great time. However, when it was his turn to visit a month later, he bailed and said he didn't think he could ever love her. I told her she should move on and at the moment she seemed like she had enough of him and I thought it would be over. A couple weeks later though, she told me that when she reached out to him, they started talking and flirting again and he told her that he wants to try again and be a better person. Since then, she seemed happy and would constantly talk about how great he is. Recently, he got drunk and texted her rude things again like he did two years ago.

He told me that he's gonna end it if it happens again. I know this is a lot, but here's the last thing. Last week, she got upset over something that has to do with school and when she talked to him about it, he suggested that she should go to therapy, which made her more upset, and I thought that it was very bad time to bring up therapy to her when she knows that he also needs it. The next day, she wanted to have a talk with him about how what he said wasn't nice, but he ignored her the whole day. She kept sending me screenshots of her text conversation with him as he told her that

he needs to focus on himself and that he didn't know where they stand, along with other rude things, even though they are official at this point. And after she sent me the screenshots, she texted me that they had an hour-long phone call and that they were all good and it was just miscommunication. This weekend, she's going to visit him, and she keeps saying how excited she is, and in general, she won't stop bringing him up in any conversation we have. I don't know if I should tell her something or let her stay in this relationship that I think is toxic for her. I would love to hear what you guys think I should do, if I should do anything at all. Thank you so much. well you have no control if she stays or not you don't get to decide no if she stays you can share

your opinion if you want to i'm gonna be super fucking honest i i think it's probably in a miscommunication that you explained it to us but like i think that like some people don't have like malicious intent when they suggest therapy but sometimes it's like i can't handle this right now yeah and i'm and i don't want like or like personally being like this is this is way above of like my level of like comfort and expertise. And like, I feel like way out of my element and like helping you with this. And this is like a really serious thing.

But then also like, you know, some people like have like, I've said this before, like Moss has brought up, it's like, oh, you know, maybe like going, getting meds or going to change something or doing whatever. And like I've said before, I'm like, once you say that to someone one time, similar to a breakup conversation, you say it once. Like if someone's struggling,

they know that those resources are there and available and they're just not ready to take them yet. so like it was this the first time or was this like a i don't want to deal with your shit like go to therapy then if it's so fucking hard so like i can completely understand how there would be a miscommunication there in this instance but i also don't know that you conveyed it i can also see it him it was clearly not a miscommunication in the way that you told us it was just there wasn't enough detail for us to be like oh wow like that was a fucked up thing to say because people can suggest therapy who need therapy all the time like that's that's how it

goes right texting her rude things when he's drunk is not nice like that's shitty he shouldn't do that and like i wouldn't want to date someone who does that have i dated someone who's done that yeah and i've been that person sometimes also oh my god yeah it's the reason why i don't drink anymore but like these these traits like they're not great like some of the things he's doing like really aren't great like the all of this shit but like the real the real issue here is that your roommate is sharing all of this with you and then expecting you to like wipe the slate clean every time and that's what a therapist would do not a roommate and a friend right like you're just the wrong audience and I think you just need to tell her that of being like

I really care about you like I like love being your roommate I just like want to say that like I have a really hard time like when you share these things happen in like a relationship that are so bad and you get back together like I don't know where I'm supposed to stand like I don't know if I'm supposed to be advocating for yesterday you or if I'm supposed to be on team today you like it's really hard for me and it's also hard for me because I don't spend time with him that like he doesn't make it up in my mind this character and this guy that you've portrayed to me that I've seen I don't get to hear the good stuff I only see the bad stuff and at this point like I want to be able to support you and what you want and like if you want to break up I'm here to

like help you figure out what you want to do if you want to stay together cool but like it's really hard for me when you include me on all of this stuff and then I worry about you and I don't want to worry about you and that doesn't mean that I don't want you to feel like if something really bad happens you can't come to me but like I need you to know that the person that you've described to me and how he's treated you like I really hate seeing when you're really upset about these things and I obviously want to see you be happy and enjoy all of that stuff and like when things are going good but it is it's really hard being an outsider and I know it must be hard when you're like living those moments but you have the the forgiveness and the of those like i don't have that and i

think like i think for me and like my sanity i don't want to come across as like really negative to you when you guys have moved past these things like i think like if you can kind of keep me out of the loop of that stuff for a bit like that would be really great yeah he might fucking suck and like they might be so fucking bad for each other you have no say in what happens like you tell her that she sucks that doesn't mean they're gonna break up and also doesn't mean they're not gonna get back together if they do break up like you have to be really cautious with that and what you say your word isn't law and you can suggest things and say things but like people can pick up on implications they know like you just say one time and just be like i don't want to really

be involved in those conversations and but like you can always come to me like and like i don't know how long this is like gonna last for for me but like i just you know i need to protect my my mental peace like because i worry and that's what happens and it's so fucking common like we only a lot of times people only share the bad things about their relationships and then it's like that's what i was gonna say yeah people she's coming to you to complain like she's not coming to you to it's like at a when like a restaurant on yelp like people are gonna most likely write in with bad reviews but they're not gonna say a lot of people aren't gonna come in with the good stuff it's more bad than good because she's coming to complain she's not coming to be like oh look what

he did for me blah blah like i'd be like who wants to hear that not me she's venting the bad things to you so yeah he he might suck she might also suck yeah and you know this is what they want for right now as long as like she's not like mentally and physically in like he's not harming her mentally or physically and she's into him then that's just her choice to make people there are people a lot of people that are in bad relationships but some people just like to be miserable together yeah and it's just about your boundaries like you just have to set those boundaries like I've had friends who like I love their partners but like if they're like constant complaining it's like dude i love you but like you know how much like i love them too or like can we talk about

something else like can we like there's just a way to do it because some people the people we all get really caught up in our own lives and sometimes we can read a situation wrong and think like this is definitely like oh this is it this is like the end it's definitely gonna happen even if she's saying that but like if you are finding yourself getting so invested that you feel like you need to tell her and again it's not abusive like if you've if she's not in physical danger and you feel like you need to tell her like you have to break up with him and this is weighing on you that like if they then didn't break up it would affect you like you're into she you she's brought you in too much like you need to take a step back because like Melissa said some people

are just like shitty in relationships and some people also like have great relationships and love to complain and like love to just only talk about the bad things and that doesn't mean that everything is bad but also it could mean that everything is bad but like you actually have zero control over anything at all and when you have so much information and so little control that's maddening like i'm just like at this point i can't do shit so don't tell me right like don't tell me like you're she's putting a lot on your plate and then being like don't touch it don't do anything with it and you can't and that's a fucking sucky position to be in and i think it's on her like i don't think she should be sharing all this stuff with you i think she's oversharing even to

the extent that what how we vent in relationships and i would also evaluate for you what does she do for you as like a friend because like right now it kind of just sounds like you're a sounding board yeah for this like are you worried about her or like does she care about you like do you care about her in if you took out this relationship stuff like would you be close so i would just take a step back yeah all right time for don't blame them whoa so don't blame them is where one of you our listeners call in and share your own advice pertaining to a call we had on a previous episode so if it's about like a professional job maybe you're in that field or maybe you just have personal experience or you have some insight that we didn't have and you love the sound of your own

voice here we go hi megan and melissa i'm calling for a don't blame blame them for the episode titled dodging your one night stand for the caller wanting to confront her boyfriend's sister first off i am in my car but i'm parked in parking lot thank you so i'm not driving um so i've been dating my boyfriend for two years i am 28 and he is 27 and he has three older sisters i'm the only child so coming into a family that has siblings I was very thrown off by certain sibling dynamics and I felt at times that I wanted to step in to defend my boyfriend from his sisters if I felt like they were being rude or trying to be mean to him but being around the family longer it became more obvious that even if in the moment my boyfriend was upset by something that was said

to him at the end of the day they are still his sisters and even if I don't agree with how parts of their relationship functions it's not my place to dictate how he addresses that so for the caller i think it's important to remember that when it comes to close family relationships it's up to each person to set their own boundaries so you can set your own boundaries for your relationships with his sisters you said you get along well and i'm in the same boat i get along well with my boyfriend's sisters, but I'm going to set my boundaries with how they treat me. But I can't set his boundaries for how they treat him. He's an adult. And just like your boyfriend's an adult, they need to set their own boundaries for their own family relationship. So thanks so much. I'm

a huge fan of the podcast. And I listen to them every week. Thanks. Bye. Great call. Solid advice. plus you know who really wants to get rid of that the best part of like family dynamics which is when the person leaves the room or you go off with the other person and you just get to like get in the car the door shut you go what a fucking bit and you go it's so good nothing hits like it side conversation oh you've got like there's a five and then the three and then the like or even like mom he's calling me what's she calling me about it's do you know it's good because who's who's on the good side this week yeah like some of that stuff as an only child i just have to say that like embrace that side like embrace that side of it like first of all

it happens in friendships like you're used to that dynamic you've had extended family that whole dynamic but like there's something like really cathartic about you know knowing what your partner wants in the moment and then getting in the car and then being able to like unleash and you're like oh yeah i fucking hate him and like doing all of that because like you get to be you get to be the hype person when it counts and like you're doing it you're like giving your partner everything they need while being able to like still vocalize your feelings but I don't think if unless you have that part of it you can't let it bottle up and I didn't think about that the first time we gave the advice that it's like you need to make sure you're having that second you

need to be having those releases when it's one-on-one but as an only child maybe you didn't have like really chaotic uh extended family that you know that it's like we're talking a big game but like nothing's gonna happen yeah but like we do that to give that like cathartic release so you're not building up to everything like that's the beat drop like you can't like walk into thanksgiving like the beats about to fucking drop it's like no it's not past the cranberries like settle down so it's good advice good advice that is it that's it are you looking for a review we have one oh my gosh well i hope this inspires you listeners to give us a review aren't you like wow look at them they read the reviews they appreciate them we see them

we do we love them leave a review well here's a review from august listens you'll learn more than you expect backhanded but these bitches were dumb a little less dumb than i thought i thought i was just coming to be entertained but i'm also learning okay only one of them went to college both of them went to college one of them graduated college it was me i've been a listener for years, constantly finding myself learning so much from them. They give great advice and inform listeners on current events, educating the uninformed listeners, me, in the process. I truly feel like they care about the calls, emails they receive, as they give genuine advice that the person needs. Also, they're hot. Great review. Thank you, August Listens.

10 out of 10. They also put the little emoji that has like the smiles with three hearts around it. wow thank you i so appreciate it we are hot and we do care we're hot and we're caring we're kind and cunt it all goes together i was gonna say i was like at least that's four k's because i was gonna say cunt you switch kardashian k but uh-uh wait kind kind is a k no i know what were the other ones you said that's hot oh i don't know i mean two c's a k and an h my bad okay thank you there was a lot of alliteration in there it was at the end and then i was like i just ignored the beginning and i was like look what's in front of us right

now so thank you we appreciate it so much and if you want to call for an upcoming episode please do 310-694-0976 audio listeners nope international listeners you're all listening audio um send uh your voice memo to meganpodcast at gmail.com tomorrow we have our see you next tuesday episode it's a great one yeah it's really fun you're not hearing half of it but it's really fun it's really fun and then we have but am i wrong this week which hands down is the best episode we've ever done of any podcast ever it's our special holiday episode yeah you said last week that you were like i need us to come i need i want holiday episodes back and i was like okay and melissa i delivered she fucking delivered to like it just kind of happened no and you said it

in passing like i had no idea you were preparing but like you deliver you serve you cooked you served and then you delivered i ate that you i left no crumbs she digested it she shit it out she put it in a blender mix it up i love that one i can't stress how good it is we're on fire we are we're so funny and humble and hot so humble and hot check out the patreon too and we will see you next time don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson.

Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.