Don't Blame Me! - Dating Standards

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

This week we're sharing advice on: Update - Snitching on your cousin Tell your dad he sucks at DIY projects Going to a concert without your boyfriend because he has Covid Setting your standards while dating Boyfriend doesn't want to move in with you anymore Don't Blame Them - Going for a guy in your graduate program Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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anyway every single fucking night well I've started doing it with and then I'll also drink cherry juice like tart cherry juice was also like stimulate something in your brain and when i do it with the cherry juice then i don't have the dreams i read this and well it was one of the books i'm directing that runners do but they drink that at nighttime to help their minds calm down oh runners are weird they are but they it was like a lot of really helpful things oh i'm sure because runners are the definition of your body is a tool use it like a tool and i'm like okay yep that's what a lot of it was but they thought there was so many good tips in there that i took away from it so i mean they're the community who started putting band-aids on their nipples for running

like i don't doubt that they've got the woman that invented sports bras was a runner and she yeah they used to have thought that like running would like mess up your reproductive organs and women weren't allowed to do it and all this stupid shit and so the woman that invented sports bras was like not allowed to like be a runner and she was like but she like fought with her school to be one and she was one of the first big long distance runners and she didn't have a sports bra so she like made it herself and took out a patent and invented sports bras did they think that like unlike men's bodies that like our organs are like not secure and they're just flopping uh-huh that's what they thought and this was like in the 60s it wasn't even that long ago in the 60s

it's like the woman wrote her own passage and she's not that old she like her daughter is like a famous runner too so it's really funny yeah even a lot of the things in the olympics didn't even get added to the 80s for runners for women yeah the olympics is like a constant wonderful reminder about like how behind we are because like you know in like your own personal life or like regionally things can change but then when you go to the olympics you're like oh we are so far behind like i remember when adam rapon was like the first publicly out gay man in the olympics and i'm just like he's a figure skater most of them have probably been gay yeah and it was like he's the first out one and it was like and i think since then there's only

been three or four like connor i mean tom daly he's a diver i was like what are you doing you look like a fish and i'm not sure what this he wasn't out his first olympics and then gus kenworthy there's quite a few women that are out but not a lot of men you know the media doesn't care when women are out yeah they're like men are gay and it's like women are gay but that's a fake right okay uh i am on winter olympic tiktok now and those outfits are so much better i haven't really got into winter like the the tiktok i haven't except for i'll send you the next one i see i just saw this one gal she was got a pillow or something for the winter olympics that's her oh okay she's the only one who's done her and her partner are doing okay

and then someone has said you need to unzip it because it turns into a blanket and stuff and that's the only that's the only one i've seen so maybe now that i feel like that it'll i'll still i'll start getting more in the rotation because she her roommate was the one i first saw one for but then i got into hers too and they do like they were showing like the outfit like fittings and they're so fucking cute like all of the fits are so cute they're like ralph lauren shit like the nike shit is obviously really cute but like the ralph lauren shit i'm like holy shit like it's chic and they're just like hot snowboarders and i'm like what's that like to be like that cool huh is this the intro for the show oh yeah we're already recording yeah the winter olympics the

only time every every couple years i become an american during the olympics i do not root for the u.s like ever like i root for the u.s women's gymnastics team i will not root for certain people on the u.s women's gymnastics team for the summer olympics like if i know that like you are the worst i'm like i'm not rooting for you but i live for the it's like the most problematic thing about me i would say is i like the olympics i don't think that's problematic because it's athleticism and but it completely destroys the places it goes to it like is like a money suck it is not safe covid protocol like oh i thought you meant as a whole yes as like oh yeah no the organization is yes yes yes yes yes i thought you just meant the athletes and supporting them no no no i have no

issues but also a lot of the time those athletes are being completely exploited by their countries like all of that stuff so i i enjoy it and i recognize that it's not the most ethical thing welcome to don't blame me that is the intro for the show we are an advice podcast where we give life-changing wonderful amazing advice because we are better than everybody else and because we can and that's why you're listening don't ask questions you fucking clicked on it my name is megan i'm joined by my co-host producer director the glitter glue to my glitter the only reason why anything ever happens ever oh gosh melissa hi i'm just gonna wipe my screen real quick that's for those that are watching which you can do on our patreon you can watch our episodes for

a dollar a month that's four to five episodes for one dollar and you can see our beautiful faces you can see the most beautiful women that ever existed in life yeah so prepare yourself like gird your loins when you sign up and just like make sure you're ready because like you're gonna be blown away by how stunning we are i mean i did have to slather my face in moisturizer like five minutes ago because my face was peeling so my legs are peeling we'll see how yeah but your legs aren't on camera we'll see how it goes as the episode keeps going it makes you feel better my wi-fi is not that great so like you're not like no but the thing is yeah for you because the recording itself is in 240p live but then when they see it it'll be in 1080 so 1080p

fuck i had something i was gonna tell you that was gonna be like my intro like i need to talk about rihanna being pregnant okay and i all i like didn't i don't actually believe this but i did think this was gonna be a funny tweet because like my entire timeline was like all like rihanna's pregnant rihanna's pregnant rihanna's pregnant this is the day after the announcement that we're recording this and i almost tweeted rihanna's pregnancy is a bipartisan issue but but it's not because like everyone i follow i don't follow any conservatives but like i am just so obsessed and i saw this tweet that was like my friend it was like someone responding to like the photos and was like my friend messaged me and just said brianna and i

immediately was like oh my god a new album a new album and then it was like and then the announcement was actually she's pregnant and someone was like i have decided as somebody who has no desire to like work or have a professional career i would love to be rich i am done asking for her to create an album because i think she's probably living her absolute best life being rich and pretty and just being able to live her life being fun and smart as smart businesswoman and like not having to deal with like music critics and doing all this stuff and she's probably still singing for fun and like doing all of that but she's not commodifying that art currently and the only reason why she would be doing that now it's it doesn't seem like she really wants to it would

be for other people and they're like and i've decided if i was pretty and i could just be like smart and pretty and successful and rich and not have to like deal with like fucking haters and losers like i would do it too and i'm done asking for that to like her to do that shit and i was like fair i'm okay with that now too what i'm confused is did we not know a couple weeks ago that she was pregnant we've heard so many rumors there was like a big one a couple months ago that she responded to and she was like i'm like pregnant every other week like but this one it wasn't a couple months ago it was like literally like a couple weeks ago where she was like pregnant and i was like is there a glitch and i traveled to the future and i already knew this

like i was very confused while everybody was like excited and i was like i guess because like she had she took a picture with her stomach out but i thought we knew this a couple weeks ago i mean this is one of those things that like i thought that like when it was like all of these rumors that she was pregnant and it was kind of the same thing same thing with when kylie jenner was going to be pregnant that it was like people saw her and she was pregnant and so i think that like i didn't feel like oh my god this is such a shock and a surprise like i definitely thought she was pregnant but i didn't have that same feeling that you do or like i thought we all knew she was pregnant and already announced it it didn't feel like a rumor like i just like

i thought this had already been confirmed like yeah i didn't understand i still don't understand i was like i for sure i was like i was like this for sure felt like this had already been announced a couple weeks ago like a like for sure thing not like a rumor like it was like rihanna and asap rocky have confirmed that they're having a child i truly texted my sisters and i asked i was like i don't understand what's going on why is everyone making a big deal about it today when we've known for a couple weeks and they're like uh no it's today i just live for the fact that like they got all done up to like get paparazzi and like it's a specific paparazzi photographer who like a lot of celebrities seem to really like and like has good relationships

with them which is how you get those good photos and i also just love that because she basically gave this man like the shots of his life like he made so much money off of that and she didn't she like was able to control and like this is who i'm gonna call up this paparazzi i'm gonna be wearing makeup i'm gonna having this like i think it was also like such a kind move for someone who's like so incredibly successful and with such a wonderful demonstration of how that the relationship between paparazzi and celebrities like a symbiotic relationship but this is a way to like do a healthy way where this photographer is respecting her boundaries and like you know what i mean and like i was just like i don't knock anyone for selling their pregnancy announcement photos or

like monetizing that at all. Like the celebrities, I have no issue with that whatsoever. But I think this was like a very nice way to have it be like, if you're not going to do that, then someone else, if someone else is going to make money on that,

like have it be like a respectful thing that both of your boundaries are being met. So I thought that was just like a very cool way of doing it, something I never would have thought of. And I was like, of course, Rihanna. And that baby. That's going to be the most beautiful baby

that ever existed because he has a perfect face and she is gorgeous like also he has a baby face like he has a like the and also you know how i feel about big foreheads and how i feel about big forehead babies that baby with his his he has such a baby face and she's stunning like absolutely stunning that baby is gonna come out when you think of what a baby it's gonna be like baby like it's gonna be such so and also so fucking talented and like dressed so think of the outfit i know it's gonna be great and you know that the the fenty baby line is gonna be coming soon watch out kylie baby fenty baby like it's gonna be

so so so good like i can't wait that baby's gonna have a stylist i mean that baby's gonna have like a like like someone from the fenty line is gonna be like just working with the baby constantly to just create outfits what are those baby noises like it's literally gonna be that yeah oh and it will be like the most loved like this it's like america's baby yeah the most beloved baby that every person in america will take a bullet for this baby like that is the love around that kid like that's just like so cute and he looks like so obsessed with i mean granted the common denominator in every man that she dates is how obsessed they are with her a man that she looks at and i'm so excited for drake to be sad

because i dislike drake with a passion so this is like i'm really not into celebrity gossip at all but this one really hit me this one hit me it's because none of us view her as a celebrity we all view her as like she i saw one that someone was like the amount of people i've seen post rihanna's baby pictures is if all of you think she's your cousin yes yes like yeah you know even that day like a month or two ago where barbados like officially got there like they're not a colony or whatever and then they're independent yeah and then like rihanna was there and they like exalted her it's just like she is like the everyone loves her like yeah she everybody's like yeah no she's like my mom my sister my best friend like and she's like i don't

know any of you people but if you saw her she'd be like i feel like she's the kind of person that like everybody's her best friend you know like she just makes everyone feel like either her best friend or she hates them yeah and that's how i i think we should all be i don't like that gray area but i also love if anyone has not seen her day drinking with seth meyers it is one of the funniest videos i've literally ever seen the whole series of day drinking with seth meyers is fucking hilarious but the rihanna one is so funny especially if you watch it in comparison to him with everybody else because again like he is like he is enamored he's shitting himself and it's just like i love same thing same thing yeah i mean also if you google rihanna with wine glasses

she always steals wine glasses from restaurants i'm sure she's not doing that anymore but she always steals them well um and then leaves a fat tip so that like covers the wine glass and then like takes care of the staff also like just she played a trick on jimmy kimmel um when bitch better have my money came out because his wife is like a producer on the show too and so he had pranked her rihanna when she came on the show and then she got him back like tenfold by showing up at his house with like her friends and like a money gun while he was sleeping like woke him up and like was blasting that song and then spraying money at him she's just great i just love her me too and i'm so happy for her oh this is the other thing i had a dream i was pregnant with twins

i also had the same dream someone dm'd me that they had a dream too i don't want to tell you just because of the stuff that's going on but yeah well okay well we're giving you advice you're calling in you're leaving voicemails at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com keep it under three minutes or else you will be cut off and we ask that you write everything down before you leave us a voicemail stream of consciousness does not usually work it doesn't ever work well for this so write it down let us know your pronouns let us know the ages of everybody in the story with as much detail as possible and then you can time yourself to make

sure you are under those three minute mark and if you do everything wonderfully with flying colors no detail is left desired and we feel like we have all of the information that we need no more no less you might receive the coveted diamond from melissa herself so let's get into the update my original call was i had the cousin i was going to snitch on basically she was 14 you know i was scrolling through instagram randomly one night saw this account you should follow my old high school's name and it was jewelers not peers things I later found out made it nicer but yeah basically I was conflicted about whether or not to tell my aunt and my about my cousin following the account I already snitched

on the principal so my update kind of takes place in two parts firstly the principal emailed me back for the podcast came out basically saying you know thanks for letting me know this so-and-so teacher who you probably remember is onto it i was like from what i remember of her yeah she would get on top of that and the account was gone a few days after nice so that made me feel a lot better about it and before the podcast had come out my aunt had messaged our group chat that my extended family were having for we have secret santa now for christmas because it's a lot easier with our big family and most are over the age of 16 so not much to do so she messaged a group chat saying 14 year old and her 12 year old daughter so the 14 year old was one else had concerns about

could whoever has them give them some earrings because they just got their ears pierced that kind of like helped me like think like okay so it's not an immediate thing she's gotten them done safely with mom and so is the younger sister i actually had the 12 year old for secret Santa so I got her some really cute pairs of earrings for Christmas she really liked it so another thing that happened kind of slightly after I can't remember if it was slightly before slightly after the podcast came out I had a family gathering for my grandmother's delayed like birthday because it was delayed due to the COVID lockdowns in New South Wales so we had a birthday party for her and myself my 17 year old cousin 14 year old cousin and 12 year old cousin were all

having a good chat we're all girls and we're like oh how was your getting your ears pierced like you know how did it all go etc and you know on that conversation and my 17 year old cousin who I don't think knows anything about this account started just randomly telling my younger cousins about horrible stories she had heard from like piercings in the past such as the fact that she 17 year old plays water polo and how a girl had on her team had a belly button piercing and how that was uh yanked out by a person on the other team I know very gross like she was going in detail as well I was like okay very interesting and also just about the fact that like you know my other cousin as well who wasn't there i have a lot of cousins had a secondary piercing like you

know ear and how after like two years that was still you know quite sore and things like that and hasn't changed and i could see my 14 year old cousin's face feeling just slowly like going oh boy so i think my 17 year old cousin like kind of did the job for me of warning her like don't get any piercings in an unsafe way because my older cousin did it in a safe way and this that's what happened so yeah and maybe just because Megan you asked about the kind of dynamic between my myself and my aunt and the relationship is my dad is the sibling he kind of has a similar problem whereas my dad is the oldest of five my aunt is the youngest four boys one girl yeah when my dad was getting married my aunt was you know graduating high school so I'm one of the second

I'm the second oldest grandchild on dad's side and she's the second youngest on dad's side in terms of the cousins like there's a lot big age gap so that was part of my thing of like I don't know how she really sees me like I'm still a cousin but I'm very much older than her and she gravitates more towards the 17 and the 20 year old for obvious reasons so very much that dynamic is still there like yeah there's a like my dad is early 60s and my aunt isn't 50 yet so there's a lot of big dynamics in that family yeah so you didn't did you end up telling the aunt or i have not told the aunt no it was kind of hard to bring it up in person i didn't really see her at my yeah grandmas and at christmas it was kind of hard to bring it up but it did it got to give

me an idea of if i can bring it up next time of how to do it because my aunt and i went to the same high school so i could easily say you know oh you know i saw this random account you know at so and so is like running piercings that thing you might just want to check that out and yeah things like that so i could definitely bring it up that way your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got

ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply but it was just yeah really hard when it's like yeah dynamic and it's been so long now is there someone just because of like the age gaps is there someone that may be younger than her that you're close to and then that person's also closer to her because they're a little bit older i'm not really sure like my uncle who's a little bit older than her is probably the one i'm a bit closer to like just growing up like he always calls me like little nicknames and things like that so i could talk to him but i don't really speak to my extended family much outside of family events yeah so it's like that makes total sense yeah if it comes up again or you feel like the need to i would totally

see it and like that you were talking in like a group chat kind of thing where it was just like oh my gosh I just saw this like how wild like this didn't happen when I was at school there and like in a way that your aunt will know like oh shit like let me go talk about this but it could be like if she went to the same high school like people are familiar with that and like there is a kind of wide age range like I have that in like a group chat with Matz's family like we'll send random things that are like maybe pertain more to like one person but like kind of opens up that dialogue but i do think that that she got scared straight in the i'm like yeah and the principal got the stuff taken down so the principal probably said something that scared everyone at

the school anyway i'm guessing made an announcement like we know who this is even though they probably don't know who it is and whoever it was took it down it might still be happening but at least it's not being publicized in that same way yeah i did check on my other accounts to see if like maybe they might have popped up again somewhere and i could not find it but we also just had school holidays in new south wales so it could like the school week just started again so maybe it could be happening but at least i'm happy that they're aware that something's happening especially because some of those bathrooms are not the greatest i mean it's an all-girls school but I don't doubt that they were gross when I was there yeah they are and also that is such a small

blip of like your adolescence and that phase of like I'm gonna pierce my own ears like that rebellious phase I feel like so many of us have or like go through or whatever not that I did it but I knew people who did and that was like a solid six months so that was like the thing but then it was over and done and being allowed to get your ears pierced I think when it becomes harder is if you're not allowed to get them pierced and then that is like the corner you're pushed into and then that's what you choose to do but like it doesn't seem like that's gonna happen so fingers crossed i'm glad that the update isn't that like she got like gangrene on her hair yeah i'm glad it's not that yeah yeah that would be concerning

i don't even really know what gangrene is it's just like in books and right you know like in pirates yeah i don't know showing up to christmas in gangrene and she just wears red red and green i'm festive red and gangrene oh it's a such a lame joke okay well thank you for giving us the update i'm sending healthy well wishes and sanitary piercings vibes to your cousin thank you i'm sure she'll appreciate it when i'm not directly saying it's just in the universe it's just in the stratosphere all right thank you thank you have a great rest of your day you too bye bye so nice i think this is the very realistic update no gangrene no gangrene and we have been getting messages for people about how to send updates if you ever have any questions

about anything that's in the show look at the show notes like everything's there including the link to our patreon which people have been asking about too but for the updates you just send us an email and just say hey i was on this episode and that's it and then we will contact you and do the update that's it so you also don't have to type out what your update is just letting us know what episode was in and what your call was cool should we get into the calls we shall hello megan and melissa first off happy 2022 sounds weird already uh so i have a little situation with my dad oh i'm they them pronouns 24 years old with my dad i don't know the dad thing first off my family is hispanic so anyone who's hispanic that can relate maybe y'all can help me as well

but this man thinks he's all the builder like he tries to fix everything in our house emphasis on trying and then ends up destroying it like our bathtub for some reason just stopped working like the showerhead is fine it's the pipe thingy that i don't know what it's called that fills up the tub yeah somehow that's how it's working he was like i can fix this i'm just like oh god and now we have a giant hole in the wall of the shower yep and not only that like he tried to even fix his night car and that didn't go well i don't really know what he did because i don't know i'm gay and i don't know anything about cars and he tried he's like i don't know like this man like i don't know if it's a virgo thing if it's a hispanic older dad thing he's the same age

by the way dad goes like he him and he's the same age as madonna i forgot how old she is and i forgot how old my dad is i just know his birthday uh so yeah like how do i like gently because my dad kind of an ego on thinking that he can do anything. I don't want to tell him to say it's okay to hire someone. Let me tell you, this man is like rich.

And I guess that he's a penny pincher. But you can hire someone. Like, I'm not rich. I'm broke. But he's rich. But you can easily hire someone. But it's like, yes, I get you want to try to fix everything in the house.

But you have, like, 12 kids at the house. That's an exaggeration, but that's what it literally feels like. So how do I, like, tell him in the nicest way possible or in a way that a Hispanic father could understand to ask for help and not do everything yourself without stressing out the whole family? Anyways, I hope. Bye. This was so funny.

It feels like, like, major dad energy. My dad is not, does not see himself as Bob the Builder, like Handy Manny or any of those cartoons where they try to fix things because he knows his limits, but he does think he's a master cook, which he used to be very good. But in his older age, his like tastes aren't the same anymore. Like, you know, when you get older, your taste buds kind of get older too and don't realize how salty foods are and things like that. So in that situation, I just had to sit down and have a conversation with him and say, hey, dad, like you were a wonderful cook when we were children.

But times have changed. There's been a shift. And while I do enjoy your food, maybe just have someone else there to taste so you don't go overboard on the spices. It's not even spices. It's mainly salt. So you don't go overboard on specific things. So with you, with your dad, I would like maybe make a PowerPoint presentation

and say, these are the things that you have attempted to fix. And this is the status of where they are now. So while you may feel like that you can fix this, this isn't your gift. This isn't something that you are particularly good at. So why don't we, you know, if you do, you know, you want to give it a shot the first time, go ahead. But let's bring in a

professional. There's a reason why, you know, professionals exist and people go to school for and training for these type of things. You did not do that. So let's have an expert come in. So I think that's spot on. If your dad is into sports, I would pick the sport of choice and be like use the same kind of thing like statistics math wise this is how many times that this same player has tried to like hit a home run and the success rate and do all of that and be like why are we trying the same thing over and over again don't you feel like they should sub somebody else in and he can be like yeah you're like and dad statistically those are the exact same stats as your success helping and fixing things at home like I love you but I think that there are ones

that maybe are like you can do but not this one I very much understand like the penny pincher mentality like my dad like did not I mean like I didn't grow up with a ton of marine money like we grew up fine but like did not grow up like wealthy and he grew up even more for than that like steel mills like you know very very very poor in pittsburgh and so he is very much the i will fix it myself kind of thing and the biggest issue with that is people who don't have the skills and the talent to build things or fix things themselves they also have lower standards so like they would rather save money and have it be done not that well than spend the money to have it be done well so i think that that's something that like if it's that level where it's just like oh

he's fine with this not working or he's fine he would rather just like forego this thing our bathtub working than pay the money for it then i think it's like uh okay let's pull the rest of the family together and just cut him out of these conversations and while he's someone's gonna take him out to like go on a walk or go get lunch he's gonna come back and then this bathtub will be fixed someone will grab his credit card yep someone will snatch the credit card and do it and then just gaslight him when he gets home like dad you fixed it like you did this but or you find actually this is the best advice matz is not handy at all and he knows he's not he wants to be but he like a fight puts up a little bit of fight with it but i think there's

something when it comes to pride with that a lot so i have a handyman who like we're great friends with who knows that Mott's is not that great at this stuff and they've become friends but he will when he does stuff around us he includes Mott's so like Mott's will be like oh I'm gonna text him and see if he can help like us do this thing Mott's is not doing much like he's doing it but like it feels like a a collaborative process and so maybe you find if he has a friend who works in I don't know it'd be hard like you have either a friend who is like a like a task rabbit or like jack-of-all-trades can do all that stuff and like has the credentials or when you call to make an appointment be like my dad really they know like i feel like everyone they know that dad stereotype

that's like just humor him let him help and just or just tell him like you did a great job starting this here like yeah you are spot on the money i'm just gonna do a few little tweaks and just like keep that ego in mind but yeah this is this is like such a i'm just still dying over the i don't know how old my dad is but he's the same age as madonna i don't know how old madonna is i believe that's the same age as my mother so 62 ish 63 i think they're all the same age anyway next call yeah hi megan and melissa been a huge fan of the podcast i've been listening since day one also a big fan of megan for a very long time on youtube but anyway so my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost six years now i go by he her he goes by he him he has recently tested

positive for covid we are both vaccinated and but we were supposed to go to a show this week by the time you hear this we've passed the week but i get a call and see your opinion when we are supposed to be going with a third party who also goes by he him but anyway so because he can't go and I have tested negative three times since he has tested positive so I was planning on going he feels like I shouldn't want to go either we both have been looking forward to seeing this artist for a very long time and the artist means a whole lot to both of us I was thinking I would still go with the third friend since him and I are both negative but my boyfriend doesn't want me to go since he can't he thinks I should want to miss it and make sure he's okay the roles are

reverse I would want him to go because of how much I know the artist means to the both of us and I would want to have him enjoy himself and the time at the show with our friend he's making me feel pretty guilty for sharing that I want to still go and now I just don't know what to do or if I'm right or wrong yeah just let me know your thoughts love you both thank you so here's my first thing. Just because you tested negative, are you quarantining? Well, it already happened and I'm pretty sure you went, but you sound like guilty for going. Did you quarantine after being like in contact with your boyfriend? That would be my first thing because even though you tested negative those times, even if you still were in the same household and saw him and was around him,

you still could have it the next day. You could have it, you could test positive later in that day. So that would be my first concern. My second is, might be controversial, but if you quarantine away from him and you test negative, then I say you can go to the concert. I thought you were going to say that with that specific caveat. I thought you were going to be like,

if everything's actually safe and you're not cutting corners. But truly, I wouldn't go and I would have never bought the tickets because I don't think that we're out of this quarantine at all. So I wouldn't have gone. I would never bought the tickets. It would have never been on the plate. So I personally would not have gone. But, you know, if you're a concert goer and that's what you enjoy to do, if you quarantine away from everyone and then wear your mask and then went, OK, your boyfriend shouldn't. I don't think he should make you feel bad for that.

First of all, if you are vaccinated, it will take it can take you much longer to test negative for covid after being exposed. So the safest way to do this and how I know that this is not safe is that you would be quarantining for 10 days post him testing positive to just see if you end up testing positive. because, again, Omicron's taking so much longer to show up in vaccinated people, like 10 days to up to two weeks. And if you took those full 10 days and he had those full 10 days and then he was feeling better,

he would be able to go to the concert. Your quarantine period, assuming you tested negative at the end of it, would be the same as his quarantine period having tested positive. So the choosing to go and he's not going means that that didn't happen so that's like my first issue and then my second thing is I as somebody who had COVID I was miserable like it fucking sucks like it sucks it's like it's not fun

and if this is like a concert that you're both really looking forward to it's something that you're both really excited about sure does it sound kind of selfish to be like wow I don't even get to like I'm sick I feel really shitty I'm miserable I'm worried that I'm gonna develop long COVID and be like permanently like affected by this for the rest of my life I hope I don't die I'm like dealing with like the mental toll it is of having it as well as the physical toll and I'm also now missing a concert that I was really looking forward to and I'm like so upset and disappointed and then my partner's like is it cool if I still go I'd be like are you fucking kidding me like but the difference is I would never go if it was like when she's saying that

you she would go if it was him like if it was her she would want him to go i would not go like if if it was moths and i would be like no there's no way i'm gonna go like i would never i would never do that and then on top of that it's like now you've gone to this concert where a lot of people are now you have the potential to also when you come back are you going to quarantine away from your boyfriend for another 10 days, just in case you might catch it and then make his worse. Yeah, I am also not someone who's like booking to go to concerts or shows or whatever.

But I think that like, it can feel really flippant to people who are immunocompromised to see people just like constantly like assessing the, like it's all about like risk assessment, but then constantly every day, just being okay with these like pretty big risks that like immunocompromised people like can't be, they can't make those choices or do those things that's not like a option and then i would kind of

feel like it would feel like kind of like a slap in the face of like i just got sick and now you're gonna go out and go to a concert and potentially expose yourself this sucks like you don't want to get this this isn't fun and if anything i find that like when someone in your life close to you has gotten covid i hope that makes you reconsider the choices that you are making so you don't get it and like not just being like oh it is what it is we're all gonna get it at some point because like that's such a fucked up like eugenics way of thinking like super shitty especially because like she mentioned that he was like i feel like you should like want to be like want to make sure that i'm okay and i'm like it's not feeling good like it just feels like it's being treated kind

of very like this is something that has killed so many people and then it's like but i really want to go to a concert and it's just kind of like i think that like as somebody who is still dealing with long covid like i feel some type of way about this stuff because i'm like it has changed my life since i've had it like i have not been the same and it like affects every aspect of my life and it sucks and then to see people who are just like sucks for you like sucks to suck i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing but at the same time that is intrinsically who i am as a person because i wouldn't go with if but if you would if you would want him to yeah i wouldn't want i wouldn't in actuality if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing then you're going

to be away from your boyfriend for at least 20 days yeah and so that are you okay with that like that's the part that i'm like there are two choices and two options here to be the safest but let's say you guys are long distance and you know you're gonna meet up to go to this and you know you were away from everyone i don't know i'm not going but you know i think if i like i was having horrendous cramps and like feeling like so awful and mods and i were supposed to go see a concert or something and i was like or i the stomach flu or i was just like if you take away covid from it like i just think that we're like being so blah because everyone's gotten covid it's like a whatever that like if you had like the stomach flu and you're barfing your brains

out and you're absolutely miserable and like feeling horrendous i would personally be like you are already in such a shitty place right now i don't i don't want to go do that that's gonna suck even more for you but i can understand if like your partner was like no i really want you to go but he's not doing that like he really wants and then you're just consciously deciding that you like want like you're okay that it's really gonna hurt him and then that's just the choice you make it's no right or wrong answer it's just like what's the answer that you can live with the consequences of said choice right right right all right time for a break we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back

and we are back all right here's the next one hi thank you for letting me call um i'll try and keep it short so i am 20 and i'm also transgender meaning i was male assigned at birth and i transitioned to be of the female experience i have dealt with a lot of ups and downs when it comes to my personal life, when it comes to my romantic life, and how it kind of affects my psyche and my transition. I find a lot of times that when I am, say, on a dating app or wanting to get to know someone and I have like genuine interest in them. By the way, I put it out there that I am transgender. Like right away, I have it in my bio, I have it as my gender set, and I make sure to tell them within the first like five to ten messages. But I find that a lot of people's

motives switch on me specifically because I'm transgender. They view me as a plaything rather than a human, rather than someone that they would want to date. And it's affected my psyche and made me do a lot of sexual acts and hookups and things like that that I haven't wanted to do because I've settled. And I'm just kind of wanting some advice for how to be more secure on my own in my transition, as well as how to kind of, I guess, raise my standards for partners. I also find that I love and I'm attracted to emotionally avoidant people. And I want to unlearn that a little bit. I'm also a Sagittarius. And yeah, that's pretty much all. I'm just kind of struggling with everything because of not only my gender, but my transition, as well as with my love life

and feeling like I need to be someone's great thing or less than. Thank you guys so much. First thing I want to say is that I want to give you two suggestions of creators on TikTok who are both trans women who have found this felt like so like, wow, it's like, you know, my TikTok following this who have both found their long-term partners on dating apps and they've both been pretty open about their dating app experience and like i think that like they're both like very kind creators like so nice and like really engaging with their audience that i think like as much as like we can offer like support and try and give advice like it is going to be through like the cis hetero experience so i think both of these creators i cannot imagine them not responding or

not already having videos that like would be potentially really helpful so one is lauren sunsturm and it's l-a-u-r-e-n-g-s-u-n-d-s-t-r-o-m we will have that linked and then the other one she's bad bitch astrology but it's b-a-d-b-x-t-c-h astrology i follow them too yeah they're both fantastic and just like they both have just vibes personality wise like very very similar but they've both been very open talking about their experience and i know they both are their current long-term partners they both met on dating apps so i think you're so so so so self-aware in the sense that you're like i am settling for these things because this is the attention that i am getting like i am getting that you're a hookup play thing fuck buddy sort of thing so you recognize

that you are settling for that and you're not feeling fulfilled by that and you're not you're having like regretful regret in said experiences but you also said that you tend to be into emotionally unavailable people and that stuck out to me because that is like a oh the people that I'm into need to work on that in therapy which is true but if you are attracted to that that is also something that you need to work on because like there is an intention there and I wonder if for you you find that it feels subconsciously is it like you like to keep people that you can't really have so you don't have to get really that close to them and you can kind of keep them at an arm's length distance or are you a fixer and you want to be the chosen one and the one who can like

change somebody for the better or do you have a relationship in your past that was very hot and cold or felt like you had to work a lot for it because that's like what I would say what that is I think like the first step and who knows what the fuck I know but like I would say the first step to it is like recognizing where in the conversation you start to feel like you are being treated as like a there's this shift that you said that's like now that it's just kind of pure physical or whatever that is recognizing the conversation when that shift is there and abandon ship with that conversation and like kind of like set all of that stuff up for success prior to meeting in person or as soon as you tell them and then having them be like oh okay that like let's hang out

tonight make sure that like when you're having a conversation not saying that you don't do this but like that have it feel different before you go out with them have it like not feel like the other conversations you have with people who have ended up in this purely physical kind of manner and way the nature of dating apps can be very hookup central and cultured and also i cannot share the trans lived experience but from the people that i follow and the people that i hear from that this is even more predominant in the trans community that it can feel like that even to a whole greater level it only takes one you know what i mean like it only takes one to have it not be like this to when you say to raise your standards that becomes the new standard but

when you've constantly had the same thing over and over again it's really hard to break out of that because it feels like well this is what I've had so this is all I'm going to have which isn't true this is just what I've had so far and holding on to the fact that that is not going to be the forever but you're probably going to know that pretty quickly on to most interactions with people and the more that you can weed them out ahead of time. So you're not in situations where you are feeling like, you didn't say that you feel like you're doing things that you're expressing regret after the matter,

but that you are not like settling in the moment and doing things with people you don't wanna do. Yeah, as someone who is single and on dating apps, I think it's smart to go in with an intention for what you want. So if you're not looking for hookups, you want to be in a relationship, set your preferences so that what you're looking for is people that only want to be in relationships.

And then if you're able to pay, you can set it for the only people that are coming through are people that are also looking for relationships. And so like, that's how I have mine set up. And you're setting higher standards. Like I have it set up. So like, I'm only getting liberal people that are coming through. I'm only getting people that like, I want to have kids only getting people that want to have kids i'm only getting people that want a relationship and so at like some point during the day i do actually like run out of people it'll be like you've run out of people do you want to open up like the range of what you you want to look at and it's like no because then that's gonna go below my standards so i think that's probably really good for your psyche too

to not just have it be like a constant overload of people that are like if you don't have those filters on you then start to like weigh like oh well this person this is this but they don't meet these things and you're like those are the things that are most important to me yeah yeah and there is like this dopamine you get when you have your filter so it's just wide open and there's just so many people that you're matching with but when you have it at so specific you're not going to get like that same dopamine rush but you're going to get people that have the same intentions that you hat yeah I think that's great and I think if it is something like a cost that you can swing kind of similarly to signing up for a workout class when you put that money there if you can

afford it it does make you be a little bit more intentional with it in general and like you'll spend more time on it in a healthy way but I also would just recommend being secure on your own and like wanting to get into a relationship and all of that I always recommend this to everybody but like a detox from relationships from dating from hooking up with people just to kind of like cleanse your palate and to feel like if you need to feel like you want to start afresh or start new and maybe that's deleting all of the dating apps and maybe that's taking a couple weeks to read a lot of books about people who've like been through like similar things like read a lot about attachment theory and figuring out that like where some of this stuff for you might come from

making a list of things that you really want in a partner things that you'd be willing to compromise on and a partner and things that like your traits of yours that you really like that you want to see someone that you date be really interested in those things like lifestyle all of that kind of stuff and then start a new profile like pick all new pictures and like sign up and do all of that stuff and kind of take it as like a we're starting fresh on this thing because you can it can leave a bad taste in your mouth those apps and stuff so like maybe trying to make it feel if it's not even if it's the same app but feeling like a new experience and going into it with doing your best to not feel jaded and expecting the same results that you have been seeing yeah so best

of luck it's fucking hard out there it's hard from experience it's hard and you know setting your standards and your boundaries makes it easier because you know that you're not you know dating someone that doesn't have the same intentions that you do you're not going to regret it ever best of luck i hope that you have a better dating app experience and dating experience should we go on to the next hi megan and melissa so my situation has several moving parts i'm going to jump right into it my boyfriend and i are both 22 years old and he is a son of immigrants from India and I'm just a normal American. So because of their culture, I've never met his parents and they don't really know I exist. I've never really minded this because I have kind of

an estranged relationship with my own parents and he has just met them for the first time this Christmas. Anyways, we met at college in Florida and we've been together three years now with the last year being completely long distance. So last year I moved to Atlanta and he stayed in Florida for grad school. So long story short, after one semester in grad school, he decided this wasn't for him and just began applying for jobs. And so he told me that he wants to get a job in Atlanta so we can live together and both save money on rent and make up a lot of time of being long distance. So this got me really excited. And I supported him through all the job interviews and giving him tips and stuff. And eventually he did get a job in my city. However, now that he's the

move is actually happening he thinks he doesn't want to move in with me anymore and he doesn't want to end his current lease or find a sublet even though he told me his new job is going to pay for the move so I think that he just doesn't really have the courage to admit to his family that like he's been in a long-term relationship that we would be living together I don't really appreciate being let on like this and knowing how we are like our relationship he does move to my city will be having sleepovers almost every night defeating the purpose of paying rent in two separate places so how should i move forward should i give him an ultimatum or just act like i'm okay with his decision i appreciate your help and i love the podcast thanks guys what does

normal american mean oh did she say that she was a normal american i would do some reflecting on that statement i don't know if that's the kind of energy that you're putting out but if it is That does change a lot of what I was going to say. That might be, you know, something that your boyfriend picks up on and that might be a reason why he doesn't tell his parents. But let's say that's not the kind of energy you're giving out. Let's just say he doesn't want to move in with you. I'll let you take it away because I don't know. I think we might have different opinions and then I'll come back.

So my thought process is you are both 22. I don't want to be ageist by any means, but not everybody ends up with who they dated in college. And we don't ever really recommend that like moving in with a partner immediately after being long distance, if there is kind of hesitation there. I think like setting yourself up for success in a city, especially if you are 22 and like just leaving grad school, like having your first adult apartment, I think that it should be totally fine to live alone. I completely understand how you're feeling of like let on and it has kind of felt like hurtful and it sucks. But I think that it is not unless he has explicitly said that it is because he doesn't feel comfortable letting his family know about you.

I don't think it's OK to kind of be like, that's why, because it enforces a lot of stereotypes about like immigrant families and like first generation having their kids there, which even if historically you don't really know them, you don't like they don't you said they don't really know you exist. Like it doesn't feel like there's a lot of definitiveness there. It doesn't feel like he also definitively said at all that that's why he doesn't want to move in with you. it feels like you're inferring a lot which like I think is a natural thing but I think that you have to communicate that like what do you mean his parents don't really know you exist like right do they think you're just like a friend yeah because like maybe this is like a hot take or whatever but I think if you were going to date someone and communication from the beginning has been my family is not comfortable and you didn't explain I don't mean to sound I'm not trying to

sound rude by any means but like you didn't say that like there was a conversation ahead of time that like his family is not comfortable with him dating someone unless they're going to get married or or whatever that is I don't want to make any assumptions about like his family and like how they operate when it comes to relationships so I think like if you had a conversation with him at the beginning of your relationship about the expectations and what his life was like and what your life was like and you both agreed to that I think that you have to keep the lines of communication open continually for that i think that it's completely fine if you were very much okay with him not letting his parents know that you were in a relationship and this could be

potentially for you the final like you know what i need to know that this is going to happen now but i think that that needs to be a conversation it's not really about moving in together like i think they're just kind of separate like if you want his parents to know about you and you want this to be a very serious relate like relationship then that needs to be like a hey do you see that where do you see this relationship going like i know i was okay before with your parents not knowing about me but like this i'm not really okay with that anymore and i just want to know where you are at with that and like where that conversation is if that's something you would ever feel comfortable telling them like where are we at because i think i am not a child of

immigrants at all but I think there's just like a lot if you are also not a child of immigrants I don't think that there's a it's something that you we can't relate to and I think that like trying to kind of go into it with like the same ultimatum you would do with like a I don't think ultimatums are healthy in general but I think it when it's an ultimatum about like something that you don't have the same shared experience with I just think that that's not really fair and it makes that the issue do what I mean like it makes the fact that his parents are immigrants and he is Indian it makes that the issue not hey where's this relationship going I think we need to get better with our communication I felt really kind of led on that you wanted to live with me and that

really hurt my feelings that now you want to live by your own like can I ask why that is and like I think if you come at it from this the issue is his culture the issue is his parents that's just not okay yeah yeah I think that like you said there's two separate things going on here You need to, I mean, they're both important to you, obviously. So having one conversation about, hey, like you said, where is this relationship going? When are you going to tell your parents that we're together, that we're dating, that we have been for years and like giving him, I mean, maybe in the beginning when you were first dating, you were okay with it.

But now that things are super serious, you want to have like a real conversation of when are you going to introduce me to your parents? When are they going to know they exist? Do your parents know that he exists? So just like having a blunt conversation about that. And then the second conversation, after you've laid everything out on the table and you're letting them know that, you know, like, I'm serious about this. I want to be with you. Your family needs to know I exist. Conversation one. Conversation two. Do you not want to live with me because of the parent thing or because we've been long distance for so long and you just aren't ready for us to live together yet because i don't think if you've been long distance for a long time you've never lived

with each other before i don't think that this is the time to be testing that out he needs to get to the city get this is we've said this over and over again get to the city get acclimated you know have his own group of friends and you guys like still see each other and you're still spending time together and you don't know like you might think that you'll spend every night together you might not you don't know because you've only seen each other from a long distance situation and you might need more space than you realize because you are used to being able to go home at night and not have anybody else there with you yeah and i think that like you've said that he's like now not sure if he wants to even move anymore or do any of that that needs to be like a conversation

of like hey like what's going on like what happened but like not putting it like is it because it's this this this this and this that that can feel like not a place where he can just like share candidly how he's feeling without you assuming what it is because that like never feels good right and then i would also say that like again it is so valid if you were okay with the this situation a couple years ago and you're not so okay with it anymore but I think that if this is someone who you see yourself in a long-term relationship with I think that like in general for people like if you are dating someone who culturally it's very different and they're they're not comfortable introducing to your you to your parents I think we really need to not look at it

the same way that we do when it's like two people who are coming from the exact same culture and are being like, oh, he this guy is not telling his friends about me. Like there is something much different there and much deeper there that like, I don't know if your friends are kind of being like, oh my god, like treating it in that way. Like there is so much more there. And it's really different. So like, the timeline of everything with you and him, like you just need to be on the same page and communicate and it's like you want to move in together. Do you see us like long term? Do you see us getting married? And like is something that your parents would they be okay with us living together before he got married or no because if you see yourself

long term with him too you also need to make a decision in that process do you feel comfortable he might feel comfortable living together before you get married do you do you feel comfortable if you're marrying him and you're going to be in that family do you feel comfortable with that or would you feel personally like it would feel more respectful for you to not do that then you have to be able to make that those same kind of choices when it comes to like things he might feel more comfortable doing that his parents aren't very into that you wouldn't feel so like you just have to have that open line of communication and know that the timeline of things and the trajectory of things might be a bit different and like you need to be all in for that

for wherever you are keep repeatedly check in with yourself but like making sure that you're not making him feel bad or ostracized or like the issue here is his culture and his parents because like i think that like it just reinforces some pretty negative stereotypes that are not fair you know yep so that's it all right time for don't blame this yep that's actually it yeah so this is where a listener will call in with their own advice based on a episode and a call that we previously had so they maybe have their own personal experience or they just have some shit to say hi megan and melissa i have a don't blame them for season nine episode four for the girl who called about liking the guy in grad school i literally thought this was me for the

first half of the call because i definitely called years ago when i was in grad school saying almost the exact same thing so i wanted to give some advice for this girl i am three years out of grad school. My program was a two-year program. And on the very first day, I met a guy and I was like, oh my God, I'm in love. So I played his flow for a couple of weeks and ended up getting his number using a cover of like, oh, if one of us was in class, it'd be nice to have a friend. So I got his number and casually started texting a little bit and then did what Melissa said and invited him over to study. We actually did have an assignment that I really did need to study and from there we kind of flirted a little bit I then I did what Megan said

and I got a little buzzed and decided to confess my feelings in a text one time not overtly just kind of started like playing a little less safe and it ended up working out for the duration of grad school we were casually dating and you know hooking up and it was great and then grad school ended and I moved out of state and everything's still fine. We're still friends. I talked to him on occasion and it was fun for grad school. There was a little bit of drama, so that was kind of funny and it made it a more fun experience than just sitting in a class board out of my mind the entire time. We would text in class and joke around and it gave everybody else something to laugh at too. And I say go for it. I say invite them over for a study thing, get a little buzz

and see where it goes it's grad school you do have camp goggles but this guy is still incredibly attractive in my opinion even years later and she's 23 so what's it gonna hurt go for it girl and definitely call back because now i need an update too okay bye oh love that look at that merging our advices together i just love that like i just imagine her like in her car just being like oh my god is this me and just being like what is my voice because like you know your voice sounds different on recording so just being like is that what it sounds and then finally being oh my god it's not me but like not like pure shock of being like what like we've had people who've like called in like drunk or like buzz or forgot they called in and will be listening and

they're like what the fuck so that's funny obviously it wasn't but it shows how relatable that is and so look at that and without even like us not even having answered that call at the time you took our future advice both of our future advice it feels so good well that is it for the episode if you have listened this long not only should you go comment on our latest instagram post but you should go leave a review on the podcast app we got a great review oh i'm so excited okay well i will then tell you all to head on over to our instagram i'm not gonna say the name because i don't want to say it wrong it's linked in the show notes and comment who else is the same age as madonna it can be like random people that you know it could be like

madonna is like my age plus like millie bobby brown like just someone who is the same age as madonna all right so this review is from ssm24484 very specific wow okay five stars love it i started this podcast recently and have been listening to it in reverse chronological order newest episodes first i am baffled by reviews calling the host mean negative political or closed-minded i found this podcast due to feeling all those same things about another podcast i was listening to and find this podcast to be such a breath of fresh air the advice they give their callers is honest and fair i feel they look at multiple perspectives based on the information given i also love don't blame them section where listeners can give their perspective to

kudos to these hosts for not yes banning callers seeing when things are nefarious and having equal expectations and standards on contact for both genders not just excusing bad behavior in the name of pseudo woke feminism you have developed a forever listener that is so kind so wow i love that that is like a new listener who's like fuck all of you on these comments and then we have someone who's definitely not a new listener saying love the podcast by the way the italian russian sound human is most likely german you ask the question i'm gonna let you know the answer yes that's so wow that is so nice so nice so happy we are here for your needs if you had to replace any of the podcasts in your life and as somebody who listens to like i've like listened

to like a dabbled in maybe not reoccurring all the time but people who give advice on podcasts and when i tell you i get irrationally upset when i feel like they're just like whatever like blase advice or like i don't know just like fuck around blah blah and they don't pay it any like consideration so to have someone recognize that like we do really care and like we do really think about what we're saying and try and see it from like multiple like sides and like we're invested in it makes me very happy yeah agree okay so that is it for the episode everything i at the beginning for how to call in leave us a voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com and we look forward to hearing from all of you

and leave us a voicemail it's a good time we promise we don't bite unless you say that you want us to bite yeah this is the thing like when you give us a disclaimer like take it like go for it i can take it versus i'm really sensitive go easy we listen to you we listen to you so we want to hear from you so we'll give you some life-changing wonderful amazing advice happy february okay we will see you all next time goodbye bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso