Don't Blame Me! - DBM: 2 Bottoms Don't Make a Top

Episode Date: May 13, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Dealing with your partner constantly forgetting Friend that don't want you to get married yet Feeling like you're in your flop era Sexual compatibility Don't Blame Them: Starting Birth Control (May 6th, 2024) Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Email: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales. Using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. At Ikea, we make things just for college life. Come on, come on!

Like our Kallax desk in white, black, or stained oak for just $75. Yeah, let's go! It's got built-in cable management to help keep your game console cords organized. And a spacious work surface for your laptops, monitors, and textbooks. Whoa! Yeah! If only you were this excited about studying. Oh, man! Shop back to school at Ikea.

hi hello welcome back to another episode of don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice that changes your life hopefully for the better hopefully not for the worst but either way you cannot blame us but you can thank us if it's the good one or if you were like looking for some fun to like blow up your own life like we'll help you just have to like let us know what we're in for yeah sometimes i say do it for a plot hey that's fine like i think we've all been there and we also love it when you do it for the plot because then it gives us content to talk about we are megan and melissa um we both woke up on the wrong side of the bed and then went back to bed and then woke up much cheerier totally you know we just had to disregard

our responsibilities for a minute because when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed i why am i i'm gonna get back into bed and i'm gonna have a do-over yeah i had to tap out came back but we're here it's gonna be a great show gonna be a great week thank you for joining us to start out your work week if you are a person that starts work on mondays you might have been up on the wrong side of the bed but we're gonna kick you on the right side you can get you right in tight kick you right in the keister i'm spending too much time with mods that's very much a mod thing to say he loves the old old time too much time with him yeah he's he's just always around he's crazy he's just always here uh so if you want to participate in upcoming episode where we give

you some advice, there are multiple ways to do that. You could give us a call, you could send us a voice memo, or you can email us or you could DM us. So for the phone call, leave a voicemail at 310-694-0976. And for the audio message, you can send it to meganpodcast at gmail.com. You can also email it there as well. You just want to write it out. But for the audio versions, you have to keep it under three minutes. So we do ask that you write it down ahead of time, you practice a few times, time it, and make sure you have all of the relevant information in there. You do have to be 18 and over, have your parents' permission. We want to know how old you are, how long you've been with a friend or a relationship or at a job, whatever the context is, in order for us to give

you the best possible advice. It is all anonymous, so you can come up with some fake names, just something that's easy to follow. Don't name after siblings if you're not siblings, because it's gross and yeah i i if you need to listen to a couple episodes before and see how other people do it that's also a great way but y'all have been doing fantastic and then for the written versions keep under 300 words or less in the dms uh or the email as well but all the same things apply and for both of those if you would like to let us know your pronouns you totally can you do not have to if you do not want to and if you're sensitive let us know but we can only give you advice if you give us all the information otherwise we might lead you astray and we don't

want to do that on purpose no unless you do need to be purposely lit astray because you're in the wrong situation and you don't see it exactly kick you in the keister right into the right path you're on the wrong path oh and if you want to watch the video version this podcast as well as our other podcasts uh you can join our patreon support the show we also do live streams there twice a they're very fun and you can see our reactions which depending on what people are asking for advice on can be very strong there might be some disgust and I think it adds a whole other layer of subtext to what we're saying oh yeah because I'm a very visual person in the face and all right so should we go to the first writing let's do it I'm Megan and Melissa I'm 24 she her and been with

my fiance 25 p.m. for almost six years and engaged for 1.5 years. I'm asking for advice on how to deal with him forgetting things a lot. For example, we were recently house sitting somewhere 50 minutes away from our house. He works near our house so after work he was going to go home to drop a few things. I asked him to grab four things I needed and sent him a list. He knew where everything was. I messaged him throughout the day to remind him to grab those things for me as I needed them but he forgot two of those things. Another example is our six-year anniversary is at the start of June. Over the years, I have planned small trips away for our anniversary. However, I've mentioned to him many times how I would love for him to plan things for our anniversary. Months ago, we talked

about going on a small trip for our six years. He said he would plan it. Our six years is in three weeks and he hasn't said anything. I messaged him saying, wow, our six years is in three weeks. And he responded, oh yeah, are you able to take a day off work? But he hadn't booked anything and also knows I need a month notice to book time off. The place we were going to go is a busy tourist town in winter and you need to book in advance for accommodations. I'm so frustrated and upset as this meant a lot to me and it seems that no matter how much I communicate, he forgets things.

I would love if you could give me some advice. I'm sensitive, by the way. Thank you, love the pot. The anniversary thing would really piss me off. Does he have any medical issues that could cause him to forget things? I think since you didn't mention them, then we just go off the fact that he doesn't.

uh that's just what we're gonna have to assume i'm kind of like at a loss for words because it's like you're doing everything you can you're giving him notes you're writing things down you're reminding him throughout the day and it feels like he's being just willingly obtuse about things even like in the short term with the picking up the four things from your place when he had a list and you had reminded him several times and even if he like had the list and then he was like, I can't find these other two things. And he didn't call and communicate that with you. That's a problem. The anniversary thing is a big problem too. When you asked him to plan something, you've always planned things. And then he just drops the ball until you bring something up.

He's like, oh yeah, I'd be so mad. I'm mad for you on so many levels, but I don't know what else you can do to help this man. He seems like he doesn't want to, he doesn't want help. And you can't save somebody that doesn't want help. Yeah. My biggest question is what is his reaction to this? Like, what is his response? What does he say? Because I think forgetting things as someone who has medical things that make me forget things, I feel horrible about it. And then I rectify it. And then I work to have other things in place. So I don't do that again. And my question would be like what does he say or what does he do because like there are times where we can be like a little overconfident in our own abilities but somebody else is like far more realistic so

like i love monster death but like when we go grocery shopping i have to have a list i will not remember everything if i don't have a list and like sometimes he would just put what we're having for dinner and then would like i'll grab all the things i know that i need for that and i'm like i won't remember so i need us to write a whole list but there are times where like he's going by himself and he forgets something and immediately i'm like oh did like i'm looking for it and he's like oh my god i totally forgot and he will insist to go back out again even if i'm like no it's fine we'll get the next time he's like no no i'm i'm getting it right now like we'll immediately go out and and rectify that and fix that and then it happens less because of that

so i think it's really about like what is his response to this because if it is like belittling of being like oh it's kind of like no big deal that to me is the would be the most insulting part because i don't need someone to care about things as much as i care about them but if they know that i care about it to to willingly know that i care so much about something to then fully disregard it and knowing that that's hurting my feelings to me that's essentially intentionally hurting me because you know how i feel you know how i will feel if x y and z happens or this doesn't happen and you're choosing to not change your behavior or implement new things because i also wouldn't get as frustrated if he would offer up like you know what i'm going to do next next

time i'm going to add this thing in to then try and prevent this like i'm going to put the effort forth to show that i'm not being inconsiderate and that like i this is this is an honest mistake and like how can i put like things in place to prevent me from making that same mistake again But if he's not, yeah, I'm also at a loss of like, what to do. And I would just, I think you need to have a conversation with him. Just sit down point blank. I'm really upset and hurt about this anniversary thing that like, what's going on? Like, what's the reason? Why? How do you feel about this? knowing how i feel about this like what's our solution like let's problem solve i've tried everything what are we gonna do now like what are you gonna do what's this gonna be because does he forget his own things like does he forget stuff for his friends does he forget stuff about his family or is it that like it's just so happens like it's just really in your relationship that he

drops the ball and he isn't as like what about his work like does he do this at work because if all those things are true and like he's really struggling on all aspects of it and he's like I'm trying everything and he's like really beating himself up about it like he needs to go to the doctor like he needs to figure out if there's like a neurological thing going on but if he's

downplaying this and you realize that this is only happening here he's holding your relationship to a different standard and expectation of his behavior than other his other relationships and to that I think that like

you can say i'm and it's not an ultimatum but i think being like this is something that i need in a relationship and i truly believe that you can give me that and if you also believe you can give me that then i need to see that before we get married i need to see that before i make this commitment to you because this is my issue and this is my qualm and i don't know how else to communicate it with you but i want to give you the opportunity to care because like does he know what the stakes are you know like are you sheltering his feelings at all by not wanting to come across as quote-unquote difficult or emotional or whatever like does he should know how you feel about this and he should know that this is like a serious thing regardless of how you act but

if you don't feel like you've communicated that i don't think there's any harm in communicating that again to him and then giving him the opportunity to be like i need to see change here otherwise like we've got to figure this out like we've got to figure out if we want to move forward with this relationship because if you want to have kids or if you want to own a house together like I don't I can't count on you can't rely on you yeah and it's also like like for me I have a very good memory when it comes to like big picture things but when it's like smaller things I have to write every single thing down and is he making an effort to write it down himself or is it always you giving him a list because like if somebody gave me a list I don't think that I could like I'd look

at and be like whatever but like if I'm doing it personally it's in my words and then like I can remember things so is he even like when it's not you having to repeat yourself about things is he even like making an effort to write it down himself like does he care does he even care yeah he's just is he just counting on you and relying on you to be the the planner the executor and then the punisher of the consequence or whatever because yeah that the lack of effort there it like you said if it's not written in the way that he does it he's not nearly as likely to follow through with it but yeah i think the intention and his response to this matters the most i i don't disagree with how you went about being like oh i can't believe our six month six

like our six-year anniversary is in like three weeks like i don't think that that you should have been more direct or anything but i think at this point like you've dropped the seed to kind of figure out like where are we at i don't want to assume that he's not following through with it now that you know i think like it's it's time to be direct and not not like trying to like lead a horse to water or not trying to breadcrumb him to do what you want or do you just you have to tell him what you need and i think it's hard to do that when you're not sure if that person is not giving you that intentionally and sometimes asking those direct questions or saying those direct statements can give you an answer that it's like i just don't think it's that important and that's

really fucking hurtful to hear so we can sometimes avoid that by trying to like give someone the benefit of the doubt or phrase things in a way that gives them the opportunity or isn't so crystal clear that it can in your head you can meet it doesn't have to mean one thing that might hurt your feelings or be a deal breaker for you but i think you're at the point where it needs to just be super cut and dry because yeah i i just think that it's not uncommon for people to in like long-term relationships to like you know hold things to a different standard or different expectation but that needs to be like a communication and something that isn't permanent that like changes you can view your significant other as an extension of yourself which is a

positive and a negative thing and so i think that if he's only doing this with your relationship and he can't acknowledge that or change that i think it's because he's looking for a mommy wife and y'all are 24 and 25 and been together six years so yeah been together your whole adult life yeah like what's the chores at the house like do you have to remind him to like take the trash out do you have to remind him to because there are like does he forget everything everything does he forget to do any of his own stuff when he went to go pick up his stuff from the house did he forget his stuff or just your stuff but i'm sorry this is this would like really uh infuriate me and then also just make me like sad all right well we're gonna take

a break. When we get back, we'll get into the rest. This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the Scotia High Interest Savings Account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest.

Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotiabank. You're richer than you think. Okay, it's time for the next ones. Hey Eminem, I'm in need of desperate advice. I am 19, she, her, and my boyfriend is 19, he, him. Some backstory, we've been together since we were 15,

and within a year, I knew he was the one. We are all of each other's firsts. I love him so much. Fast forward to now, instead of getting a dorm, we got an apartment for our freshman year of college. I work part-time, and he works full-time, as well as going to school. We do pretty all right for ourselves,

especially being 19 in college. We pay all of our bills. We are both old souls, so this made sense to us. Our next step is getting engaged, which I think will happen by this summer. When I bring this up with friends and family and excited, like, oh, I hope he asks me within the next few months.

I met with mixed reviews, mostly negative. They all think we are too young and if we settle down now, we will miss out on so much. My friends are telling me I'm missing out on all the fun, all of the fun college has to offer.

While I understand where they're coming from, that's not the life I envisioned for myself. We have a mixed group of friends, of guys and girls, and we go out to party and everything. I don't understand what I'm missing.

I'm even down for a girls' night, so it's not like I'm always, it's always just me and him. Most of my boxes are checked for getting married. We make our own money, check. We saw that we were comfortable living together, check.

we love each other check the only thing we don't do is we don't pay our tuition we have financial aid and our parents cover the rest that's something we absolutely can't take on in the next three years should i listen to my heart or do what others say play a role in this i i mean i would ask whether you're how comfortable are you with divorce because i think like you can get married at 19 if you watch the video version melissa's facial reaction you you tried to keep together so well that was really impressive she was acting i thought she dunked it up in here except Taji would actually Taji would would not filter that reaction whatsoever so like I think you can get married at 19 I also think that like statistically you're not super likely to stay

together and you either have to grow up with somebody and like you'll go through all of the trials and tribulations of your friends who who are single and they go out with someone like you're gonna go through all of the same shit it's just like you're gonna have to wake up next to that person every day like you're gonna have to you're gonna have to keep trying it with this person and I say that as someone who's like months I've been together since I was 22 so like I was pretty fucking young and we went through our 20s together and there's like a lot I feel like when people are like oh my god like you but like you didn't even date nearly as many people as like your friends who are your age were like still single I'm like yeah but like we went through

all this we did all that shit within our relationship and you just have to choose to keep picking this person and being like okay we're gonna grow and there's all of these things like when you find your person when you are young it doesn't i understand the idea of checking off of off a box but that's not real in the sense that like you're not avoiding anything else it just means that like okay i'm gonna choose to go through this shit with him and the shit that you've already gone through doesn't mean that's all the shit that you will go through in your life. Like you're going to have things that come up. You're going to get older. You're going to grow up and you will miss out on things and you will have a different life. And there's no rush

because marriage is a piece of paper. And at best marriage is a piece of paper. At worst, it is alimony and like dividing assets. And I mean, I'm pro alimony, but I'm saying like dividing assets and like a legal battle and lawyers and court and custody agreements and like all of this shit like it it's it's something that if you have a future with him getting married now doesn't change any of that like there are there's no like well if we get married now we get this this and this none of that doesn't it's not there but there are the potential pitfalls of that and your brain isn't fully developed but also like the person I am from the time that I was 16 to 19 to like 20s to mid-20s to late 20s to 30 like you change so much and you're so different

and you can grow together totally that's like you can definitely do that but you are already opting out of you're already playing house and you're opting out of the participation of college in the way that is more traditional and as someone who opted out of that i can't go back and get that again and like it was the right choice for me mine wasn't getting married but it was dropping out of school it was the right choice for me and the choice that i had to make there was no other option like that was the only thing i could do but i don't look back on it being like all those naysayers were wrong I'm like no like I if the if I was dealt a different hand of cards I would really have liked to have a different college experience like I would have think I really

would have benefited from that and as someone who's been in the grown-up game since I was like 19 everyone gets there eventually and that you'll just burn out faster like you'll burn out quicker and that's why people tend to get divorced when you get married young you tend to get divorced younger because like you're just burning it out quicker yeah I I just I want to know what the rush like why do you need to get married now and you are still dependent on your parents for some things once you get married you're no longer their dependent so you will if you have health care through them you're going to lose that if your financial aid is going to change because they're no longer like your your co I mean they can still be like your co-signers but if you're getting

financial aid that's like based on your parents situation that's going to change you're already doing all the things that married people do so like I don't I don't think there's a rush here I don't think so at all what your friends are saying and they're being more tact about what you're missing out on is is going through your whole phases you've only been with him he's been your first last everything same for him for you and so they're thinking that you need to sow some of your wild oats. Some people don't want to go through a hoe phase and that's fine. But like your friends are just trying to be supportive of you and just making sure you're getting the best and like full experience of life before you make a legal commitment to someone

because you haven't experienced anything else. My sister, Melanie, she met her husband when they were 15, 16. And they broke up numerous times during that time and lived their lives and then got back together. Like they were breaking up, getting back. I'm not saying like that's the way to go, but they did break up a few times, but they always like came back together. But they had their full college experiences on and off again relationship. And they got married when they're 22 and they're like happy and they have three kids. But they did like experience more life before making a legal commitment to each other that's the way to pray yeah I think that like it's impossible for you to know him this well to marry him because he doesn't know himself that

well yet he hasn't grown into who he is the same way that you haven't that like sure the person I was at like 16 dating my boyfriend like if I stayed that person forever we could sure we could have gotten married whatever but like who I am now and who I was a couple years after that like we weren't the same like that's it's just you don't have the room to grow that way when you when the stakes are so high with marriage which is why I say like if you're cool with divorce then like okay what have you got to lose if you're not worried about divorce and like that's not something that you're concerned about or financially like worried about because like his debt becomes your debt and you can't even drink yet so like someone say someone develops dependency on a substance

and that's something that you know is not anyone's fault there's no personal like culpability whatsoever like that you're predisposed to it you have the disease or you don't but that money you have is shared money and you have debts which are student loans you have financial debts in place and now you're tying your financial debts to his financial debts. And those student loans are not something that you claim bankruptcy, those don't go away. So I just think that like,

I don't think that you need to break up with him and be single to like live your best life. But like, you're already doing something that we would not recommend, which is living with a significant other in college at the beginning of college, especially. And you're already doing that, which is already going to hinder your experience,

which is fine. Like that's a choice you make and that's what you wanna do totally. don't add in a legal document along with that to make that more difficult like because it already is it will be a huge adjustment if things don't go well when you're just living together but there is a level of pressure when you're you're legally tied to each other the same way that you are when you have like a lease how like if you've got like problems with your roommate you're like well i need to be careful about this because we're on this lease together and like the headache of

ending all of this like that's just a fraction of what a marriage is and I wonder where this is coming from because also you talk about the way that you envision your life how long do you envision living not to be dark but like how long do you envision living and what what do you envision because if he's by your side the whole time what happens after you get married what what what what does that accomplish is it like oh well then we're gonna have kids it's like okay so then after that then what because you might plan out your life and realize that you've done it all up into the age of 32 and then you're 32 with six kids and you're like okay well then what like then or I could just start this a little bit later and then I could I could have things that

are surprising to me in life like I can just live my life and like what comes what may if I if you accomplish your entire life to-do list then what do you do after that that's something that like is a much it's a much more high pressure and like running to like race to the finish line because you think that something magical is going to happen at the finish line that but you've planned everything else out except you haven't planned the finish line like what is that because i think in general people who live life like that the goal posts tend to be pushed and um you tend to hold out on happiness for something to be checked off a list and you end up relying on a lot of external factors for validation or whatever versus just like learning how to like live your

life and be comfortable with where you're at and with what you're doing so if you had called before you moved in together I would have said don't live together but you are and just don't get married like you are missing it you are you're missed there is something you're missing and what you're missing is the life experience and life experience there we go that yeah that's it yes that's what you're missing and there's just no need to make the stakes this high for something like that like think you're instead of walking on a tightrope or a balance beam like why throw a balance beam under over a pit of lava like that's like oh shit this has to work versus you want this to work and it's coming from a place of love not need nor desperation nor relying on somebody else

also statistically people usually when they get married early they have kids earlier and uh you don't usually make enough money to pay for daycare and then a lot of the time what happens is the mom ends up staying home being a stay-at-home wife and uh doesn't have any savings or retirement or all of this stuff and you lose out a lot of maybe your college degree if you get pregnant before and you have a baby before you finish college and you drop out of college like you can't rely on somebody this much nor can you rely on how you feel about someone right now to make lifelong decisions that you're in no rush to make so yeah but maybe you're fine with divorce and if you're fine with divorce like you know get married and then you have to be so comfortable with divorce

that you're like okay let's just get divorced like i need you to be comfortable divorce like going to Panera for lunch. That's how I need to always be on the table. I need it to always be an option and something that you have positive feelings towards. Not like a, I don't want to ever get divorced. I have no intention. I think everyone should have a positive connotation with divorce of being like, this is a viable option that I'm so glad that I have that if I ever want to do it, I love that I can do it. And yeah, everyone I know who got married young regrets it and has said that they thought they knew everything. They thought that's what they wanted. And it was what they wanted at the time. But you grow up and things change.

All right, next one. Hi, Queens. I'm writing because I feel like I'm in my flop era, middle life crisis. I'm 25 years old, she, her, and I don't know what to do with my life. I was a model. I was on a strict diet and got sick. The medication made me gain weight and I got acne. My agency dropped me. I don't have a job. I dropped out of college years ago because my modeling career was going great and I have never worked in my normal job. I don't have experience in anything other than modeling. I don't have savings, still working sometimes on shoots, but it's not pain enough. I live on my own and I'm struggling so hard financially. I don't have family because my mom is a narcissist and kicked me out of the house years ago was in

therapy and taking antidepressants sleep medications and adhd medication but i can no longer afford it living without meds is so fucking hard i feel so depressed i can't get out of bed don't have a career or stable job no family no money and feel so overwhelmed i don't even know where to start or what to do any advice first of all i'm sorry that's so difficult yeah i'm really sorry that it's so difficult and also we're going to think positively this is a quarter life crisis not a midlife crisis i'm like mitch don't think you're dying at 50 because this we're not brie that's not a midlife midlife is when is she dying at 30 is that what she said our what the midlife is at 30 yeah so that's even lower than she said which you still make fun of her to this day for saying

that. So I too, when I was 22, 24, had a quarter life crisis where I was in peril. I was like, I've been studying this one thing all my life. I hate it. I don't like it. I have no clue what I'm going to do. I got super depressed. I also couldn't get out of bed. And I stopped talking to people and became very angry. And this was during my last year of college. But then I talked to a counselor. I talked to someone. I recommend talking to someone. I think like talking to us is a good step where they made me like see the types of things that I did excel in and said, like, why aren't you pursuing that in a career? And I had never thought about pursuing it in a career and it's a career that I work in today. So I think maybe having an outside person, if there's

there's anyone like a friend or someone that may be able to see something that you can't see that there are skills that you have that you don't necessarily think that they're workable skills then you know that could be something maybe you're you've been modeling maybe you're good at photography maybe you're good at other things that are that are like makeup or helping style people things like other things that go into modeling that can, you know, like aren't necessarily what you were doing, but it was still like part of that career. Even with school, you say you dropped out. What were you studying before? Was it something that you were interested in when you were younger before modeling started? Where did you see your life going? Is there like a chance,

like maybe if you're, I know you said you're struggling financially, where you are, are you able to get any type of financial aid to go back to school to study that or something else that you could be interested in? If you can't get financial aid, that thing that you're interested in, is there things where you can go volunteer in that field or get an internship in that field where you can learn the skills and eventually move up in your career? Things that are entry level. So I think you need to focus on having a job, not a career. So to use like the spoon theory, which is used in like disability and chronic illness is some people have more spoons than others and different tasks or things take more or less spoons for certain people. And so it can feel

like everybody is doing so much more and going, doing all this, but they might only be using 50% of your spoon, their spoons to do something that takes you 200% of yours. So I would say that like the, one of the things that is talked about a lot in that is building up spoons because they like roll over to the next day or whatever and like right now your spoons you don't have a lot and so in order to work to a place where you can get more spoons at a full-time capacity we need to build up maybe one or two spoons not just not go for six not go for ten not find you a whole new career with a you know severance package and retirement and all of that it's like you need to get your footing you need to be able to get back on your medication you need to be able to afford therapy

like you need the life basics and that's an imperative timely thing. And it's not about searching for jobs that pay all this money. It's like, okay, can you, can you pick up a job, fast food? Can you pick up a job, a barista, a coffee job? So finding ways that you can make money quickly that it might not, it doesn't have to be full-time. It doesn't have to be like a stepping stone to a bigger career, but it's just like a life stepping stone. Like you need to get your footing and that this is the first step in in doing so and so i agree with everything melissa said and like that finding the things besides like quick things again like coffee shop restaurant server or whatever modeling you do have skills are transferable like without a doubt i don't

want anyone to think that like they do that and it's like oh i don't have any no you have skills you have to be charismatic you have to be interesting to look at which is is a is a selling factor for a lot of jobs for secretary for front of house things for things where you have to interact with customers like you can make a camera fall in love with you you can make a customer fall in love like you can you you you have charm i promise you that you do you wouldn't have been doing this for as long as you have been if you didn't and that is a skill also models work really fucking hard like and like sure some nepo baby ones might not but most of the time like you're you're grinding you you know how to make people like you you know how to be kind to people

on set you know how to work well with others you know how to collaborate and those are all skills that will benefit you in the workplace so i think finding a interim job to make money so you can get on your medication and then from there i think looking for jobs that like an assistant like an assistant to someone somewhere, it doesn't have to be a personal assistant, but like at a job or company that you find interesting, if you kind of want to see what you would be like in a more corporate kind of world and setting, people come from all different backgrounds for that. I think that if you have, if you're good with kids, maybe you have siblings or you have family members that you spend a lot of time with as kids, looking into nannying, looking into babysitting. If you

speak more than one language or just your native language, tutoring. If you're good at a specific subject of that house sitting dog walking I already said nannying but uh then I would say like Melissa said of like finding things are transferable going into hair so you don't have to go to cosmetology school to do that you can get a job being an assistant at a salon where you are getting paid to learn to do all of that and it's something that you it's kind of like hard work but part of it is charisma part of it is like personality meshing and getting along with other people. And then finally, I would also look into trades, look into something that feels like there is a more concise and linear path for this. Because when you're feeling really lost, for me,

it's helpful to be like, I want to jump in on a train that has these set stops that I know where I'm going that I'm doing all this that I can kind of be on autopilot until I get my shit together until I feel like I've got a handle on my life. And trades, people don't really usually go into trades with a ton of background knowledge or a skill set the point is like you learn them front to back and i i think that like exploring all of the options that you have in knowing that like there are so many like there are so many options there's probably jobs you don't even know of that exist that you could be doing but i think the priority for you needs to be being able to afford your medication and afford health care. And whether that's therapy, which I think is a big

thing to recommend or like going back to school or whatever that is, I think you need to be able to have the motivation and the energy to pursue a career. But in order to do that, I think you need to you need to feel you need to have motivation and you need to feel better and need to be able to get out of bed and that's like the the the first the first thing you got to get done and again doing so it might be working a job that you have historically viewed as something that is whether below you or something that is like not what you would be interested in at all but like you just need to make enough money and this is the spoon fair you need to build up enough spoons to be able to get the other spoons like you got it's you got to keep your head above water

first before you can build the boat so that would be my recommendation and yeah i i would i would also like melissa said utilize any um school resources you might have and you might get a job um somewhere and say that like you really want to finish school and they might want to help you finish school or you might want to do something like travel like and teach english somewhere else or teach whatever language somewhere else like there are so many programs that you're not necessarily supposed to have it all figured out at this age and this is such a common thing that there are programs in place with people who are going through the same thing that you're going through yeah or working at a school if you work at a school your tuition is usually free too

yeah being an RA too like something like you could find different things uh that way and the resources there even though you dropped out you can talk to you can use them talk to them and figure out what to do with that and you can try and fail again and getting comfortable with failure is like a very difficult thing but we will we will inevitably keep failing and succeeding and failing and succeeding and it's how we it's having the ability to work through that but when like your mental health is like just in the gutter like that's we've all I mean not all but we've both been there and like if that's so hard and so knowing that that has to be your first number one main priority and whatever you need to do to get that and like I'm I'm not above anything about

what what you need to do to get your medication and to get your mental health help so like to movie hustlers you know like I just think that like that needs to be your number one priority and whatever you need to do to get that. We're going to take another break and we'll get back. We'll get into the last call and don't blame them. At IKEA, we make things just for college life, like the rose and mandel blackout curtains in gray. They say you can't put a price on sleep, but we did for the low, low price of $49.99.

Why are you in my room? Shh, go back to sleep. You have a big exam tomorrow. Shop back to school at Ikea. When you're a mid-sized business, you need every competitive advantage you can get. Like an AI solution that works for you, not against you. SAP Grow is built with AI embedded at its core, working across every system. And it's ready to go from day one, so you can hit the ground running.

Bring it with SAP Grow. AI Cloud ERP for any size business. Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. elevate your savings with the scotia high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest conditions apply visit scotiabank.com slash hisa to learn more scotia bank you're richer than you think

and we're back it is time for the final one and i don't blame them so to read this hi eminem so i'm seeing someone it's great however one problem we're both bottoms and two bottoms don't make a top the relationship is new and i've mostly topped but honestly i'm not a fan of topping and i also don't think i'm good at it kudos to all the tops but hey we can't be all the one we can't be the only ones doing all the damn work anyways i'm a bottom bitch and i enjoy being railed and i get bored of toys sometimes and would rather have the real thing so even though i know y'all two cis women who don't penetrate people or maybe i'll do i don't know your sex life like that how does one talk to their partner about this by the way not a huge fan of open

relationships because I'm kind of jealous and going off stereotypes. My people are crazy and I'm seeing it so normalized now in my community, which, hey, if it works for you, go for it. Not my cup of tea. Thanks. First of all, congrats. Yeah, congrats. I'm sure you make a lovely couple. But as you said, two bottoms don't make a top. And I think that also can trans as us two straight cis women it can transpire in the bedroom as far as like sometimes there's somebody that's more dominating than the other and there isn't that same kind of chemistry especially if some people don't want to take the lead in certain or switch it up because sometimes i do like to get railed hard but sometimes i also like to be in control so

i need a partner that likes to switch it up is what you're saying yes i'm averse i mean i need somebody to switch it up i'm i'm trying to relate to this as best as i can so how are things outside the bedroom do y'all get along well is this someone that you really like how's the relationship going that way inside the bedroom it seems like that you are just kind of taking one for the team or giving one for the team i should say and being the top most of the time would is your partner interested in switching it up sometimes because that if y'all are going to be together long term and you want to be monogamous then it seems like that y'all sexually like the sexual chemistry has to be there as well as non-sexual chemistry or romantic chemistry so if

your partner can't also put in the work to be a top then it might not be the right fit but we still need to work on it if we are going to have this work out yeah i would like to know like what extent of to if bottoming was a scale like how i feel like i can say this because i know who's writing in like how gutless of a bottom like are we talking like full gutless bottom or are we talking like this is i don't i i have i've i've been averse i have done x y and z or and where are they at in like their i don't know how old how old they are like how how um set in their bottom ways are they because I have friends who have been more versed in different relationships because of who they're with because they like really like they've really great like sexual chemistry with

that person and like they would not have taken on what role they took on in other relationships because the sexual chemistry just wasn't there the same way that like sex is just different with each person that you're with but then i have people like friends my life who are they've been around the block because that sounds like like i'm shaming no but like they're experienced in a sense that like they they know what they like they know what they don't like and that is consistent through all partners and they're not looking to change that and so that's kind of an automatic no-go for them so i think like unfortunately you run the risk of being like hey i'm not interested in doing this anymore like i would love to switch it up and if you want to go

from being like i'm i'm the one who's topping to being like i only want a bottom and there is no kind of like verse compromise for both parties i i think that like that could potentially not go so well like it could be like the end of it but i think like the longer you're with someone the more likely you are to just try new things and see like oh do we enjoy this like there's no shame in trying it to see if we're having fun with it or we're not but it's it's as you obviously know is a deal breaker for a lot of people but I don't think the conversation whatsoever is a deal breaker especially when it's new like trying different things is is fun and like if you already started dating and you're both bottoms that to me says that

there's some compromise on both sides that you're willing because like I don't know many people who like that's a hard pass of being like meth is like he's so cute but like he's a top or he's a bottom so like we it's not gonna work but you've already already both established that you're both bottoms and you're still together and dating so i think that is a indicator that you're both willing to compromise that because there's chemistry there that you usually wouldn't compromise it for yeah way to talk to your partner i think it's just like you honest just being honest of being like hey i've been thinking that like i want to bottom more would you be interested in in that like are you comfortable with that and if the response is like no but like i'm cool if you

get it elsewhere then for you that's a deal breaker so i think if you don't bring it up it doesn't change how you feel it just might build resentment and especially building resentment in the bedroom is like such a quick way to demolish a relationship but yeah i just think if you already both said your bottoms this conversation is inevitable at some point you know whoever's topping being like hey i don't can we switch it up i don't want to do this anymore because otherwise it's just full compromise from one side but i hope you get railed with a real life dick not silicone and i hope it goes well verse it up i have friends who like mixing it up like they're this is this is an era of mixing it up so there's something in the air and i hope it

works for you guys too or i hope it works for both of you as well me too all right and now it's time for don't blame them so don't blame them is where a listener will call in with their uh call in or write in with their own advice pertaining to a call or a write-in we had on a previous episode so they might have personal experience with the topic we covered professional experience they might have got some insight or heard something in the original that we didn't address or they just have some thoughts and feelings that they would like to share all right we had two write-ins on the same topic from episode of uh talking about birth control So this was from Don't Blame Me episode entitled Starting Birth Control that came out on March 6th.

And someone wrote in saying, I have a don't blame them for girls who called in about birth control. As someone who also has ADHD and anxiety about getting pregnant, I got the NuvaRing when I started having sex. I have to remove it once a month for my period, but I don't have to take a pill every day. I just set a reminder on my phone, but it would take getting familiar with your body, which is never a bad thing. And then someone else said, hi, I wanted to share Don't Blame Them for Monday's episode about starting birth control. It's so true that people only wanted to share the horror stories about birth control.

So I wanted to share a positive. I was so scared of the pill, but I have to take it for health reasons. And I have not had a single side effect and improved my quality of life so much. cured my pmdd completely balanced my hormones i have no complaint i'm also forgetful so a daily alarm really helps so thank you guys for advocating the positive sides of birth control megan definitely helped me by talking about it love the podcast it makes me so happy because it has changed my it saved my life it's changed my life for the better and i want more people to talk about that because i think the the harms of being quote unquote harms of being on um birth

control that are not like immediate effects like things that are not like oh this is the wrong birth control for you you're getting these specific migraines that are not good for your brain versus being like oh you've gained weight like you know your boobs are bigger like i think people forget that they view birth control as shifting your hormones is making you very depressed and that being a dangerous thing versus birth control evening out your hormones that help you when you're incredibly depressed like it can be so life-saving and i wish that it was talked about more and yeah i will scream it from the rooftops how it is like fully saved my life and um it's it's great and there's so many we're so like so fucking lucky that at this day and age there are

so many options that you can have a birth control that was horrible for you but that doesn't mean birth control is horrible for you there's so many different ones you can take like i've had ones with horrible side effects that were awful that i ended immediately but i'm on one now that is like the best thing i've i've ever i've ever done they're not all created the same intentionally because we're all so different so thank you for writing in about that and i'm so glad that that helped like everyone i know with pmdd that's not what i had whatsoever but like i had the same effects of the pain of being like suicidal because you're in so much pain that you're like a physical pain not just emotional pain of being like i cannot continue on like this and that uh so i relate to a lot of

people when they talk about how birth control is helping with their pm dd because it's it's like it's a life or death situation and so i'm so glad that it's an option i remember when you were having those terrible terrible symptoms and and how much it was affecting your mental health and physical health so it really changed you yeah changes me like not on my period too like even like both you and mox like when i was on it for like a couple everyone's like this is like you're a you're just a bet you're happy like everything's better because you don't have this like cloud looming over you of like impending doom and it it's it's it's a relief it's a huge huge huge relief and sometimes that relief for people is just not getting pregnant like so i think we

should we should talk about those positives so much more because babies are expensive birth like abortions aren't necessarily accessible for most locations at this point so yeah i hope that original caller has found something or is in the process of getting something that works for them all right well that's the end of the episode thank you for listening we greatly appreciate it if you like the sound of our voices or hate the sound of our voices anything that motivates you to listen to more of us tune in tomorrow for see you next tuesday well where we'll be talking about the Met Gala and other things that have been permeating in our minds. On Wednesday, you get a little break. On Thursday, we'll be back for an episode of But Am I Wrong? where we ethical

shit talk and help you with other situations in your life. Some people have described it as But Am I Wrong? is when you don't initially take our advice from Don't Blame Me. And then on Fridays, we have Fisting Fridays because on, but am I wrong? We have a voting option that you get to participate on social media. And on Fridays, we share those results. So we've got a role, dude. I was like, this is impressive. We've got so much content and we want y'all to listen and we want you to participate and join us. And if you want to join us on an even deeper level, tune into our Patreon. It's not really a tune in. It's more like a join us where we have built a community of not just being able to watch

videos of Don't Blame Me and But Am I Wrong, but also hanging out with us. Supposedly every other Friday, we sometimes get off schedule, but we've been pretty consistent the last few times and we get to hang out with other people in this Don't Blame Me community and just chat and get to know each other and it's a good ass time and then we also have a facebook group where you can also do that on a less deeper level so and that's free you just got to fill out the questionnaire and answer them correctly and we'll let you in hell yeah if you have questions about any of that all the information is also in the show notes hell yes uh can't wait to uh hang out with you all again soon and if you want to know us on a personal level the patreon is a great place

because that's where we can like personally start to roast you so like if you've ever like wanted to be like i kind of want to know what they'd give me shit about similarly how we gave shit about you might not know some random person to you named brie who said 30 years old is middle age that was something that she said what two years ago that we've never dropped no and we won't we never will and she knows it and everybody um say uh r.i.p to breeze appendix um okay we will uh see y'all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d months plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance

by Melanie D. Watson and music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.