Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Aunt is Competing with Me

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Zero motivation for school Complicated relationship with mom I hooked up with the guy I'm dating's friend Aunt wants to do everything with me Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice are you ready to change some lives melissa always i walk into the world first of all i wake up you know at four o'clock in the morning because that's where all leaders that's the time that we all wake up because if you have to go to the bathroom, you don't go back to sleep. You just stay up. So I woke up at four o'clock, had some peptides and seawater, and then went for a 10 mile run, came back home, had a little bit of peanut butter on a piece of toast. And that's when I started answering my emails. So from six to 6.15, I just answered emails straight. And then answered any message I had from my assistant and then I went and I had to go get you know a little

blood test as I always do um to just make sure that I'm staying youthful and then I had the blood of a baby injected into me that's your worst nightmare and then my day really started and that's when I went to meetings meetings meetings and then prep for this one and then now we're recording. When did you find the time to cold plunge? You're right. It was just a full a full morning that I just couldn't get to it. But don't worry, I'll do it between this and but am I wrong when we record? It's a great call because can you really be a CEO, a boss without a cold plunge? can you be an entrepreneur without having a little metal tub in your backyard filled with ice that you hop in and you quiver in you're so cold jakey i just have to say like anyone who like

thinks about like i don't know these like i want to be like them these inspiration these like these these big strong men who are doing on the just picture them shaking their little boots off in that thing like it's just so funny to me and then having another man whisper into their ear while they're doing it you can do it you got this man and then being like especially when they get out and they're like like they curled up like so cool just imagine that like it's just it's such a nice image and uh i saw this tiktok of kelsey kreppel who's married to cody ko saying that like you know she like has never really gotten the ick with him and she goes then we got a cold plunge and she was like oh this is ew gross and i just thought that was so realistic because like i don't

ever want to see mott's doing that i saw a little clip on tiktok and it was not a cold punch but similar a cryo tank and it was from one of these tv shows where um like a chicago fire based yeah i think it might have been do they have one about ambulance drivers oh chicago 411 i don't know but yeah like i'm sure they fucking do chicago asap it might have been the the it might have been that ryan murphy show that angela bassett is on that one 9-1-1 is that what's called i don't know that's ryan murphy yes we're diversifying first of all i always wondered why angela bassett was on that show but now i have that's actually now i have more questions yeah um so someone had got like stuck in the tank and for some reason

the latch of it wasn't working and then they got frozen but they were still alive and so then the clip i think they accidentally like broke his finger off or something and then the clip ended and i was like i don't want to watch the rest of this unfortunately you are misremembering and unfortunately it's actually worse they're trying to do chest compressions on him and then And they concave. Oh, you're right. And the hand goes through the chest. Because Angela Bassett's hand going,

I told you not to do that. Like, I saw that clip on TikTok. So fucking scarring. Yes. And it's the only time I've never been like, ooh, they're like part one of 640. It's the only time I've been like, skip, I do not want to see the next part.

I said, don't show me this again. You're correct. They went straight through the chest. And I said, no. Clearly, I had blocked it out my brain too. naturally because it was so foul and now that you say that ryan murphy's behind it it makes a little bit more sense and i go okay that's why that's why we did this well how did we even get there we're talking about uh the cold plunges what i did this morning

oh yeah or as i like to call it q1 of my day that's actually fucking funny anyways welcome to a podcast where we give you advice and if you're brand new here and you don't know how to participate in our show you can give us a call at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you have to keep it under three minutes we ask that you write everything down practice reading it out loud a couple of times time it all out make sure again it's under that three minutes you're over 18 or have your parents permission and you include as many details as possible we do ask that you include your age you can include your pronouns if you would like, but you don't have to. And then we also accept

written submissions as of somewhat recently. And so you can send those into our DMs, or you can also email them to that same email address, meganpodcast.gmail.com. And for that, you have to keep it under 300 words. And same thing, they'll include as much information as possible. You can always let us know if you are sensitive, but the more info we have, the more accurate we can be with giving advice, and hopefully it will be more helpful to you. Anything before we get into it just a reminder you can leave reviews on apple and spotify spotify you can leave episode specific reviews as well and i would say that you know if i was a listener i would make sure that i would review two weeks ago the episode of but am i wrong one of our best as of late i think it's so

funny and not that all these other episodes like aren't great but you know that episode i think it's a standout. I do too. Maybe I'll submit it for a whippy. All right. Shall we get into the episode? We shall. Hello, Megan and Melissa. Long time listener, first time write-in. I wanted to get your advice on how to stay motivated in life. I am currently in my first year of university to become a teacher, so I'm currently doing a Bachelor of Arts. I am really struggling to find motivation to try hard in any of my classes or anything in life. I don't think I'm depressed, maybe a little seasonal depression, but overall in my life, I find it difficult to have motivation to accomplish anything. I have many hobbies. I try to keep up like reading, crocheting, journaling, and art,

but I can't bring myself to do any of them anymore. Also, I find it hard to sit down and study or write for school. I feel like I am falling behind because I am not trying to improve any of my skills or not working towards any goals instead i'm just watching videos and playing sims i am not a very ambitious person and always try to take it eat and try to take the easy way out i am asking how you guys become motivated to do something and stay motivated how can i feel like i am accomplishing something in my life also any tips for dealing with procrastination would be great thanks for reading love the podcast yikes feels targeted here's the thing i wouldn't so quickly like brush off to say that you're not depressed like there's levels of like depression are you

getting enjoyment from watch like playing sims and like watching things because i do think that's like important of like where are you seeking things that make you happy just because things that like hobbies that previously you enjoyed you might not enjoy right now that doesn't mean that you're depressed it could just mean you're going through a different phase and you're not into that stuff currently so i think it's more about like a lack of like is there anything that you're enjoying doing because i i think that's a component but i also think the continuous motivation and ambition is a farce like it's just a scam that we've like led people to believe that everyone's like and like it's just not true and a lot of the time when you see people who are like

career coaches or whatever they're like not telling you like how to hustle and grind constantly and I don't think that what they do is ethical but they're telling you like how to work for with as little as little effort as possible as for as little time as possible and make as much money as possible so like I don't know

I don't think that feeling unmotivated in terms of school or anything like that like I don't want you to think that that's you're very different than your peers it's just not something a lot of people would feel comfortable admitting because for some reason like ambition is like the most attractive trait and quality which is also kind of like what does that even mean

that you want more more more i'm pretty much in the same position as you are in right now writer i have no motivation to do any well i'll say this week i'm better off than i was last week i love that and better off than i was two weeks ago i had absolutely no motivation for doing anything I was like why do I need to work why can't I just be rich why do I have to get up like it wasn't like you know I was having ideations about things I was just like I just don't understand the purpose of anything yeah and I didn't want to do anything I just kind of we were talking about lists on um see you next Tuesday which comes out tomorrow and I just kind of just wrote down lists of everything that I wanted to do and what I actually like

accomplished last year. Cause I was like, I worked so hard last year and I had nothing to show for it. And I was like, I actually did do some good things, not what I wanted to achieve, but like I did do some things this week. I feel a little bit better because I'm knocking things off my list. And then I had some opportunities come my way and I'm like, okay, good. And then I also changed my mindset about a couple other things and that helped. But yeah, like I, I go through these i go through these like up and down it's like a a seesaw sometimes i'm like super motivated i just want to get everything done and like i'm feeling like super like when i made the list for us like our business i was like go go go and then i was like why yeah why do i care anymore

no i'm the exact same way like i'm i'm either like all in or just like all fucking out and it's really hard to have like dare i say like impossible to have sustained ambition and motivation because it's a it's a taxing mental state to be in like you can't actually be like at go all the time like you have to be at rest for other parts of it too and so i think like sometimes life happens sometimes personal things get in the way sometimes like your sleep can get in the way sometimes like i don't know like things can throw you off that you don't even realize like you're going grocery shopping you've one day a week to get all your grocery shopping done and they don't have like five of the things that you had wanted and planned and like you can it can

just feel like there's too many curveballs to feel like you're set up for success but i think like having something like as simple as like watching tv or movies and like playing a game that you have when you're not feeling super motivated like that you can have something that does like you do enjoy and just not try not to be hard on yourself because like it does pass like you the ebb and flow like you said it is a seesaw an adhd trick that like people talk about all the time is like for a lot of people who don't have adhd and i'm not saying that you have adhd but this can be helpful for like truly anybody instead of being like start with the hardest task so you can get that over with it's like that's not how my brain works it's like i need to build up the momentum

and the stamina to get to that point where you can accomplish that so it's like do the fucking easiest things first do the things that like don't like maybe don't take as much time or as much brain power and like they also might not even be the most important things but they kind of feel like they get you back into the swing of things they get you back into the role of like being motivated and it doesn't even have to be anything directly productive so like i similar to melissa and like her we've had a lot of offline discussions about being like this is life is life and that like i've been feeling like very similar like just like super just super fucking unmotivated and like things that I loved being like,

it's not that I don't love them anymore, but it's just like, they're looking like a task and they're looking like a chore and like there's not like a fire. I'm not seeing a fire that I have for them. And so then even though this doesn't necessarily accomplish anything

on my to-do list, and I don't know what the case would be for you for this, of like, it could be like starting a new craft, but like I wrote an entire outline for a Christmas movie and it was like, oh, you know what? Like I forgot that like I like this part of my brain. so like i can use this part of my brain in the stuff that i actually have to get done or things

that i can materialize a lot better and quicker than this thing it can feel a little bit frivolous and like brain candy but it's still using that same side of my brain and like encourages to like acknowledge like the positive traits in yourself they're like oh wow this is nice because i think like school can bog you down and classes can bog you down and like crafts that you've already started in hobbies I also think about like I would maybe recommend trying something totally new and then there's also like motivation and depression like that kind of line there is blurry because it's a lot of it is time and so I think not completely skewing away that like oh you might be dealing with like some seasonal depression or whatever that is thinking of like

seasonal depression that I've heard to do thinking that is something that it's like it doesn't have to be oh this is a whole i'm gonna have to go to another therapy like it doesn't have to be a huge to do it can just be like right now i'm in like a low point seasonally and i don't have to i don't have to climb out of that i can i can wait and i can you know take care of myself in this time and i can do x y and z and these things that make me happier but i don't have to like will this away like if it is a seasonal thing like i'm gonna let the season pass and like do with this what I can so I wouldn't like turn a total blind eye to like the mental health aspect if that's involved but you're also like this is so normal like I can't stress how normal

this is like I don't know anybody who has constant motivation and ambition and if they say they do they're lying yeah fully agree especially like teaching that's taxing yeah make lists also you know maybe uh go to your school's mental health facility and and talk to someone join some clubs maybe don't do a lot of things if you know you talked about your hobbies maybe don't do a lot of solo hobbies figure out some like clubs that you can join and i think that'll help yeah and sometimes like just exhausting the thing that's making you have like if you just want to play sims and like watch tv out like maybe take a full day to do that and then you're like okay it's kind of out of my system there's this person on tiktok that has like rot days where they plan out how

to have rot days and like at this like stay in bed till this point and then like at this point get up put your feet on the ground and then like go for a walk and then come back get back in bed like they have different schedules depending like maybe i'm gonna start a rot day at like one o'clock in the afternoon or i started at eight o'clock and i think it's great and i'll try to find that person and and put the link in the description yeah i i've really tried to um to like set aside time each day to allow myself to be distracted and to like not have anything else to do to be productive and it makes me feel a hell of a lot less like shame and guilt of like and especially with someone who has like obsessive tendencies like picking my skin or whatever

when it's like i'm not supposed to be doing this but i'm like you have an hour you can spend fill this hour with whatever you want. You're going to eat lunch. You can watch TikToks. You can play games. Pick your skin. But you've got an hour and you're going to set a timer for this. And it feels like it's a part of my day. And even if it might not be a healthy habit or whatever, it doesn't get me to where I need to go mentally and dopamine wise. I need this so I'm not reaching for my phone or trying to distract myself from other things. You've seen everything that's been posted on Instagram. You've seen all the Reddit posts. I don't know. And I do think sometimes immersing yourself and doing like a scrolling people always talk about like a mindless doom scroll or whatever

i think if you intentionally follow different things and like you look at different things from everywhere like it can be motivating and kind of inspiring because like it's just interesting like and it can make you interested in learning more about something else or reading more about whatever that is and it can just spark your interest in gaining knowledge and information which is effective in school even if it's not the exact same thing but you're so normal like i can't stress enough how you're not doing anything wrong okay all right next one hey megan hey melissa long time listener second time caller i'm calling in for advice about my relationship with my mom growing up i had a pretty good relationship with her we never really got into

any arguments and i never had and i hate my parents rebellious phase out of both of my parents she is the one that i'm closer to mostly because my sperm donor is a piece of shit who i haven't talked to in almost four years. A lot of people view my mom as a very sweet Christian woman who could do no harm. While I don't believe my mother is an evil person, our relationship is extremely complicated. Once I graduated college and moved out on my own, I started to reflect about my childhood and realized that my mother was very emotionally manipulative while I was growing up. Ever since I can remember, although I'm the youngest in my family, I had to be the peacemaker because my older sibling was often acting out, and so was my sperm donor. So I tried my best to not cause

trouble to keep my mom calm, which caused me to suppress a lot of things that were going on with me. Around sophomore year of college, my older sibling came out as non-binary, and instead of openly loving and supporting her child and trying to understand them regardless of her religious beliefs, my mother continued to use my sibling's dead name and other various things that proved she did not want to understand what they were going through. Over the past couple of years, No matter how many times I have communicated to my mother that I did not care to see, hear, or talk about my sperm donor, she continued to cross my boundaries by taking phone calls from him while I was around and even going as far as to invite him to my college graduation, which he was late to, after I explicitly told her I did not want him to attend. Fast forward to almost two years later, I have realized that I'm bisexual, but for various reasons, including my job, I'm not able to be out in public. This, among other things, has complicated my relationship with my mom.

Now that my parents are officially divorced and my older sibling is in jail, I'm the only one left in my immediate family for my mother to see with ease. Unfortunately, she is not someone who I feel like I can be fooling myself around, and any time I talk to her, I feel extremely annoyed and frustrated. At some point, I do want to have an honest conversation with her and tell her why I'm frustrated with her and why I don't talk to her as often as I used to, but I know that she is not in the emotional place to handle that, and honestly, I don't think I am either. Recently, this is all I can think about, mostly because I had a family friend who I don't even consider a friend call me out and tell me I need to talk to my mother more because my mother was crying at her house telling her how she feels like I've ostracized her for my life. I hate that the way that I act negatively impacts my mother, but I'm also trying my best to create

healthy boundaries when it comes to who I choose to interact with and how. I'm not really sure what i'm asking for advice on but any kind words and encouragement and thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated i love you both so much and thank you for taking the time to listen to my call i mean this is difficult i don't know if you're in therapy at all but like i don't want to like have this like episode the theme be like this is like super normal but it it is and i think like as somebody who our situations are obviously vastly vastly different but having a complicated relationship with a parent it like that in itself is uh like a step in whatever direction whether like repairing that relationship or taking more space and more boundaries and a lot of the time

people don't like talk about it in like this kind of stage like it's either like oh like i've gone no contact or we used to have a bad relationship and now the relationship is is is great and for a lot of people like it having it shift a lot as an adult isn't um as often talked about at all like that like you had a good relationship as a kid and then it tended to switch as an adult and to feel bad and like not want this to be harming her is like a very normal reaction because something that happens when like you were definitely parentified i'm not even sure if that's how you pronounce that but feeling responsible for other people's emotions and also like you want this to be fine like you don't want her to be doing this like everyone

wants like their parent to be kind and nice and supportive and have their love be not conditional and and and and just have everything have their boundaries be respected and all of that so when she's not doing that as much as like you can dislike that you still don't want to hurt her because she's hurting you and in the in the mind's eye of like of someone who's been there it's like how can I if I eliminate the hurt that I'm causing you therefore in my logic brain it will eliminate the hurt that you're causing me and that's not always the case unfortunately and that comes from like a place of like you know being parentified and also feeling like you're responsible for other people their emotions and feeling like you need to control said situation

and like it's up to you to fix it and it's not I don't think that you're doing anything wrong I think it's like really out of pocket and like very i think it's a very emotionally manipulative for your mom to do that to her friend and then have her friend rope you in and i would give yourself permission to be mad like angry and annoyed because there's something really liberating about those kinds of things and i think like we go through phases of like being hurt and being sad and like wanting and longing but like when i finally let myself be like really fucking inconvenienced and like really annoyed by some of it i was able to kind of view it not so much as a kid and not so much as that anymore as just like human to human like i don't like this fucking behavior

and like how can i work on enforcing my boundaries and work on doing what i need so i don't have to deal with said behavior and it's tough but i i think i don't know i don't think you're doing anything wrong and i also think like if you feel bad and you reach out to her i also don't think anyone should shame you for that like i think everyone's on their own journey in their own process and like wanting a better relationship with her is not it's not bad but i would say for like saying that you want to say all this to her and you want her to know how much she hurt you i would kind of attribute like a candidate a little bit to when we talk about people trying to find closure and it's like what we want is we want what response we want to hear

from them like we want them to hear it we want them to understand us and we we want to feel heard and we want that to sink in and it's not guaranteed so i would probably say and if you've a therapist run this by a therapist because like i'm not i would like write a letter of everything you want to say to her and i would give it a week and then i would write a letter of everything you want her to say back to you and like not tell her not show her i'm saying this is what i want but like what is it that you're looking from to get from her and can you get that like love and appreciation and acknowledgement from yourself because you might not get that from her the progress in your life and the acceptance in your life and moving forward and all those boundaries

it can't be resting on her to do all of that work because she might not ever and it sucks but like sometimes like you know therapists talk about it of like uh i told my therapist like very early on i go i don't want to do that stuff where like you make me sit and like be the person on the other side and like talk to younger me like i don't like that but like in terms of like just writing it down and putting it on paper just having write down all of the acknowledgements that you want it can be really liberating and really nice to know that you actually don't need you can want all that from her but you you don't need all that from her you can give yourself everything that you need which sucks i don't think that i wish that wasn't the case for everyone i wish everyone had

that but you seem really aware of like her cape her limitations of what she can give and provide for you. Yeah. I had to grow up a lot faster than most people my age. And the situation around it was that my mom was like a boss, but she still is and like running corporate America. And my dad, of course, was working too. And so then my parents were like, Melissa's mature. She can like take care of things at home and I had two younger still have two younger siblings and like I've said things like recently when I was back home for this last stint I was like looking at my niece and I was like do y'all like it's weird to think that when I was her age like I was at home by myself taking care like I could never see her doing that right now at this point and my

mom was like what are you talking about and I said when I was her age like I was home without parents and like cooking dinners and things and there and she was like what and I had to like she legit did not remember any of this and I had to like go back and explain to her what had happened and she still like really didn't get it I would say but like it felt good for me to be able just to say it and realize that like, I was a child helping raise children and it's not like it, it, I don't think that it helped with me developmentally, but it did help me become a leader like in the future. But like at that time, and I did feel like pretty powerful at the time too, where it was like, you know, like I'm a big girl, I get to do blah, blah. And this is also

part of like 80s and then like early 90s like latchkey well it wouldn't have been early 90s it would have been 90s just 80s and 90s like latchkey kids where you'd come home and do whatever and it just felt good to talk about it even though my mom still didn't fully get that like that was like some childhood trauma that I kind of forgot about in the same way that the caller like suppressed things that had happened and it was therapeutic for me just to be able to get it out And then I talked to my sisters about it and they were like, yeah, that was wild. And then it made me see like how they parent their children differently, too, and how it had an effect on them as well. So I think even if you don't talk directly to her about it, but talking to someone or putting it on paper like Megan suggested can help a lot.

Yeah, verbal processing is like a thing I'm big, like I, that's how I can figure things out. is like talking it out and then writing it out can also be just super helpful because it's it seems like silly if you're like well i have all the pieces in my head i know but if you like get it out there it kind of is just like it's out like it's not weighing on you it's not kept in there like those thoughts that you keep to yourself or those all of those things like they have a lot of weight when you don't have them because they're able to ruminate when you put them on paper you say them out loud like you can't go back in time and talk it out like you can have another conversation or write something else out again about it but like it just becomes like there's

start and end in the middle of like whatever you say or do in that moment but i think like thinking or knowing that you feel like you're the only one that your mom has like is again a very natural feeling not your responsibility and also you're not because she went to her friend's house crying and then her friend called you so it's it's also so not a you problem like it's not like a she just does this to you people who are like this they do it to a lot of other people and they might not notice or might not um see that but i'm like a big believer in like you can give people like you can set boundaries and give people whatever you have in that moment whatever you want in that moment and that can change at any time you can go back on that you can switch it up like you can do

whatever feels good to you in that moment but if whatever feels good to you is like what yields the best result from her that's not predictable and like you don't know what's going to do that and like that can also involve a lot of sacrifice from you and if it's all about how she responds to it then the a temporary or the interim thing i would work on is then okay if it's about how she responds they can't all be resting on this because it's no there's never a good there's never a good response and so then no response is no response there and it's it's a journey it sucks but like yeah it's a it's a journey and I I don't think like people are like helpless or that it's like a final destination like I it's hard to like do the same thing like when you're like the parent

for the parents and then you have to do that as an adult those roles are still there and you have to like teach someone how to treat you or teach someone what they did and all of that kind of stuff and if you don't have the bandwidth at the moment like then don't do that and like it's hard it's it's it's hard and i wish it wasn't the case yeah all right we're gonna take a break we're back and we're getting in to the rest hey megan and melissa i'm in a bit of a pickle i with a guy on a dating app. We met in person once and everything was great. Turn around and we decide our next meetup is with a group of friends. Well, I wasn't expecting to know one of his friends. We had a bit of a situation, but it was short-lived. We went our separate ways

on a positive note and never communicated again. That was two years ago. So when I met him, we both kind of acted like we didn't know each other. When current guy introduced us, we both looked surprised, but he played it off and we acted like we didn't even know each other. Am I obligated to tell him it's still new and we haven't really talked about the future it's a very in the moment kind of quote-unquote relationship and I've never been in the situation so I'm not sure what to do help oh what a classic rom-com start this is so good what do you think have you ever been in a situation I'm I'm sure in like kind of like a whatever sense but like I had one where I was on a date with a guy and then I meet this other guy and we're all out like at a party and the guy

is like oh my god i know you like you're so and so's like he's like he's like you're so like you know this guy and i was like oh yeah and he was like i'm this name and i was like oh my god you're his best friend and it was this guy i had like just dated and just broken up with and then it was like turns out they were like the three musketeers like three little bffs and i had just never met the other two because one of them had studied abroad and just got back and then the other one the other one like had an internship or something and so it was like constantly like missing them like can't wait for you to meet them and then suddenly but they were fine with it because then i was on a date i the other guy i broke up then i was on a date with this other guy

and then the third guy who i was not on a date with then proceeded to try and hook up with me and i was like okay you're all like okay weird yeah i i've i've uh i've and i think i've talked about this before i dated a guy but like if i had met the other friend first then i would have been with him but then years later that got the other guy and i ended up both in la and then we hooked up but then the third friend was also sending me text messages and offered to fly me to new york to eat me out you flew down so like flew down to get eaten out yeah right and i was like no thank you but i've never been where they've all were at the same location and were eye to eye with each other, that's awkward. I think that if you like him and you want to continue this relationship,

then you should tell him sooner rather than later. Because I think later your feelings will get deeper. And then if you tell him your feelings and he doesn't like the answer, then your feelings will get hurt. But if you tell him now and he is like, absolutely not, at least you have the information. He has all the information to make a decision and you haven't caught too many feelings it yeah i agree with that i think like your only two options are to ghost him and never speak to him again or you have to tell him and like this is this is rat race you're on a race to tell him before the guy tells like before his friend tells him because the issue is their relationship predates your relationship with him and so he will infer his friend's intentions by not bringing it

up or he won't infer he will infer your intentions by not bringing it up because he doesn't know you as well his friend he can be like well yeah no he didn't bring it up because like he was trying to cover for her he they can create a whole other narrative that like maintains their friendship there like and if it was the other side who's calling in like i would never say like oh yeah ditch your best friend for all of this time like go for the like go for the person you've been on a couple of dates with like it's just it's not how people's brains work like we trust people we've been close with for a longer period of time no matter how much like someone initially likes you so i think withholding the information you're never gonna get to a point

where that circumstance that behavior of like you both doing that i don't think he's ever gonna weigh it the same i think he's gonna weigh it a lot the longer it is the more the weirder it gets because you're gonna hang out with him again and like it's just like are you still into my friend like you don't know the like the relationships between them so like you don't know if it's like oh they've always been interested and like had the same type and like the other friend it's like oh she's gonna go after you again or whatever that is like there's just so much room to be left to the imagination and i don't know how like you said it's pretty casual he's probably talking to his best friend more so like for me like i would i would be like expeditiously i need

to tell him like immediately and i was surprised to be like hey i don't know how to bring this up and like i felt kind of weird about it and like it's weighing on my conscience because like i feel like i didn't know i was making a choice that like now that i've accidentally made this choice like i don't like it and like i feel weird about it and so i want you to know that like your friend and i we like hooked up like one time two years ago and like i'm not gonna put the blame on him or on me for like acting like we didn't know each other but like i just i didn't even realize that was what we were doing and like i just it doesn't feel right like i feel so fucking weird about it and i i really like you and the idea that like realizing of me not saying this

means that like i don't like you and i like there's something there like i just want to be super crystal clear about it and i think when you play things off with the i don't think there's anything wrong with being like i did this thing and i've been ruminating on it and like i don't like it and like i have to tell you that i don't like it as opposed to being like i have something to sit down and tell you like this is an important thing like i love when people be like i'm fucked up like i would like to let you know i fucked up so we can reverse this and so you know and i think the longer that you wait again you run the risk of him saying whatever and like people like to talk about how like oh my god like women are gossip the amount of times that i have met men

and they're like you know you're actually pretty cool and i go what do you mean actually like well so i'm friends with this guy there's like one specific man who is not a nobody it's not somebody but he's like not a nobody met him at a work thing one time hardly spoke a single word to him he made up this whole elaborate thing about how like I was a bitch and like he was being so nice to me and like I was just like I was just like a slut or whatever and like i'm like I Didn't even realize this man was hitting on me. It was definition of like let's go out and they're like, no Thank you. I'm like you anyway, you're fucking ugly slut like

He didn't even realize he was flirting with me didn't even realize he was hitting on me. I just like was Doing my job working doing whatever meet someone later on who is like you know, you're actually like, you're not what I thought you'd be. And I was like, what do you, what, what do you mean thought I would be? How'd you know? What do you mean? And I was like, oh, I know so-and-so. And he said this, this and this. And I was like, what the fuck? Like fully made up a circumstance that had never happened. I'm like, we never went on a date, never had my number. We never talked like, he was like, oh, really? And I was like, yeah, no, not once ever. And then he was

like oh okay but like a lot of the time if someone doesn't know you that well they will automatically assume what someone else has said about you or whatever narrative they spin and then you have to be given the opportunity which you're not always granted of like proving them wrong that you don't even know what expectation or what standard or what someone else has painted you as so i think in this circumstance like you know that you know something that he doesn't know and you know someone else who knows something and like not saying it there's just no way that it doesn't that it brushes under the rug and like everything's fine and it never comes out or whatever it is. It's going to be weird. Rip off the bandaid. Rip off the bandaid.

Yeah. Just get it over with. All right. Next one. What's up, Queens? I said it with extra ease because they put them in there. What's up, Queens? I need your advice about a situation with my aunt. She is really close and raised me. She is more like my mom than my own mom. Story for another time. So I've noticed every time I get something, she wants it too. Oh, by the way, I'm 28, she, her. I got a new job. She started looking at the same company. I say I'm getting my nails done. She's like, oh, look for me too, and expects me to pay. I am apartment shopping. She is looking at new houses. I am grateful for her raising me when she didn't have to. My life would have been so much different if my mom raised me. But I mean, is that not kind of weird? I feel like I'm

competing in a race that I never wanted to be in. I feel terrible even thinking about having a talk with her, but I feel like it's needed. Does your aunt have any friends? Does your aunt have any other children? Does your aunt have anybody else in their life? When your aunt started raising you, were you the only person that they had in their life? And now that you're older, they feel disconnected so they still try to create situations where you always have to be attached those are my questions do is this weird yes does your aunt think it's weird no because she's like this is my girl that I chose to have in my life I would have a conversation and just say like I'm very grateful for everything that you did for me in my life like you're the mom that stepped up

and did what my biological mom couldn't do. But I'm older now and you don't have to be there for me all the time. You don't have to protect me. I can, you know, go off and do things on my own. I wouldn't phrase it as like it being a competition, but just say like I sometimes I just want to do things on my own. And again, I appreciate things that you did, but we need some separation. Yeah, I think that's like a very,

I didn't even think I went to the much more pessimistic viewpoint. But I think you're right, like that it could just be that I would also be curious the age that she was when she took over care for you. Because, yeah, it could just be that she no longer related to her peers. And like being a not biological parent or whether she was a little bit older, a little bit younger, I could have I could without a doubt see how she might have had some hard times like fitting in with other like guardians and parents at school. like there's there's a lot of like that kind of politics in that way so yeah i think like a chance that she's just i don't know i think like the gilmore girls kind of like vibe where it's like teen mom where it's just like you're so used to being like it's you and me kid we're in this together kind of a thing that you do kind of get lost in your in yourself or you start to lose your

yourself in that and you become attached as like we're both grinding this out alternatively i think when you talk about it being like a race like i would be curious if you feel like it is not just you're competing in a race but it's a competition and someone's like needs to win like do you feel that air of competitiveness there or does it feel just kind of like latching on because specifically with mother figures and their daughters being competitive is unfortunately ridiculously common and i so understand that point of it and for that there i would draw hard boundaries and that is that that person doesn't actually get to be privy to the information in your life that is a real competition so things that like aren't so much like your thing like you can talk about like oh

my god did i tell you like so and so just got a new puppy like you can talk about other people and other people's accomplishments and other people's things you can talk about things that have happened already with you but like talking about things that are in the pipeline with you that you really care about that then feel like you're suddenly competing with for an apartment you're not just competing with like people for that same apartment it's just like she might get great news the same day that you get really bad news about an apartment like so there's that kind of stuff so things that actually things that really matter to you and that the competition would feel really hurtful or uh slow your progress and your motivation and make you feel like not

like giving up but like make you feel uh discouraged that i would filter with like what you tell her because like even something as simple as like you're gonna go get your nails done and she's like oh my gosh me too like i'll go and then expects you to pay for her don't tell her when you're getting your nails done like get your nails done before you see her and it can be hard to feel like there's a shift and i kind of just want to be like well i just don't want you to do this i want somebody to talk to you how i talk to you and like it just sucks like sometimes that can't happen and that doesn't mean it's like permanent and it might just be like a phase but i also think like i don't know i'm obviously like not in the situation but like even you being like i'm

like so grateful for her raising me when she didn't have to i feel personally a collective moral obligation to other people on the planet but really specifically like kids like i feel a moral obligation and so if there's any part of you that feels like this is a tit for tat she did so much for me so i have to do this for her i just don't believe that like if i god forbid something happened and I had to take custody of a kid in my family or my life like they wouldn't owe me anything I owe them like as a human I owe them and the only thing that I want them to owe other people is to be a good person to other people it can be to me sure but it can be to other people like that's all that there is and I don't knowing that you can acknowledge that they stepped up and

that the situation that was existing prior was not a good one I I personally don't think that there's anything you need to do to repay, or you should feel like you're walking on eggshells about saying this conversation because you don't want her to think you're not grateful. Not being raised by your biological mom is not a kudos point to somebody else who then raised you. To me, I'm like, you're having to deal with the trauma of whatever happened prior to that to deal with. I wouldn't be expecting to be showered with endless gratitude because it's not a situation that anybody probably was the first choice or the first thing or what anyone thought was going to happen. And I don't know if any of that's coming from her or if that's just coming from you, but it is

without a doubt weird. And I don't know that I would necessarily talk to her about this, but I would, I would do some field research and see if this is coming from a place of boredom, like Melissa said or if this is coming from a place of competition and like wanting to wanting to win and like you know she might feel behind in her life and therefore when you start achieving these other milestones that she feels like she needs to be achieving comparable ones and it's not the case so I would do that before you say anything because I don't think that you even really want to say anything right now. I think until you know specific exactly why she's doing that, I would figure out why what how that makes you feel. So you can express that to her, as opposed to trying

to figure out her motivation. You know, like, I would figure out her motivation or figure out how her whatever she's doing, how that's making you feel and what you think the goal is behind that with before you talk to her, so you can feel better equipped. Because yeah, people, people who've like really felt like they've done you a solid and she has but again i think it's an obligation it can feel there's a whole other level of abandonment of feeling like that another person that you kind of have to watch what you say because they're just gonna hop out of your life and that that part sucks and i don't want you to go through that agree oh all right we're going to take another break

and it is time for don't blame them which is where a listener will call in or write in with their own experience based on a call we had on a previous episode. So, you know, maybe it's about a professional thing and someone works in that field or relationships and they've been through that, or they just know somebody who has, they have their own additional insight that they want to share. And we welcome it with open arms. So we've got a write-in for this one straight from our DMs. So this was actually last week's episode where somebody asked about sleepovers with their kids and what you should do in that situation. So this person says, for sleepovers, I only was allowed to go if we knew both parents and also any siblings, other kids there. Always

had emergency contact information and live close by. Sometimes I just get picked up late at night, but that was more my own anxieties. We also had people over more than I went to other people's homes. I also knew I could call my parents if I needed and I did, but only because of my own anxiety sleeping away from home. We also did more with cousins, which can be a happy middle ground if everyone is trustworthy in the family, which I know is not always the case. Yeah, sounds pretty similar to my stuff. Yeah, I think the vetting the parents, but I think I think what your mom like made a lot of sense like watching how other kids treat your kid and then how your how your kid is behaving and acting there because like you know your kid better than anyone else so like you could

see a kid who's i don't know our parent like you can be like oh my is this odd but you'll question yourself but you know how your kid behaves so if you see something off with that you know that's not in your head because you know them so well but yeah i mean i've said this before but like I would just encourage anybody that your kid can come home at any time. You can call them whenever for whatever because then they'll actually tell you if something happens

or they feel uncomfortable. Exactly. Well, we hope you all enjoyed this episode. I forgot to say at the beginning, you can watch this video version of the podcast on Patreon. You can also join our Patreon for live streams that we do twice a month.

They are very fun. You can also join, if you join the Patreon, You can join our Monopoly Go group where, drumroll everybody, this girl did finish her album. Yes, the first time, but I finished and I'm feeling pretty good about it. It is crazy to start from square one. Yeah, but it only took you because you started at the beginning of January. So it only took you two months.

Yeah. And I have a hard time with, we know I have a hard time with numbers or like telling time spans. But I was like, there's no way I'm going to finish it. I only have 32 days left. And I'm like, Megan, you only started playing. You haven't been, you've been playing for that long. Like, what do you mean? You're more than halfway through

and you have that much time left. So it's a fun time. It's a good time. It's a great time. How does it feel to finish one of your hobbies? Well, it keeps going at this point. I understand, but you finished one aspect. You got to think of the milestones.

Oh, it was great. I was, I literally let out an audible, and mcmott's was at uh he was like at the gym or something and he came home and i know he was golfing and he comes home in the afternoon and he's like hey and i go you're talking to a new girl do you notice anything different about me and he was like no what and i was like i finished my sticker he was like wow like you couldn't tell me shit like i and i'm just sitting here it's just my ass on um 18 000 rolls just sitting on it waiting i remember you said you're you're holding it i am holding it and i'm loving it and it's a great time and you can all play with us we

have so much fun we have fun trading cards you know so join the patreon i gotta get back in in the group i just kind of dip in and you're like wait what's going on and then everybody response is like okay here's the recap um well we hope you enjoyed the episode again you can always leave us a review on apple podcast apple podcast or spotify and you can also leave a review for the specific episode on spotify please write in call in for upcoming episodes and we've got a whole slew of shows for the rest of the week for you tune in tomorrow for see you next tuesday where we go over the alignments and i'll say the majority of you were right some of you very wrong Thursday, we'll get into But Am I Wrong?

And then Friday, listen to the results from But Am I Wrong? on Fisting Friday. Woo! Prime your buttholes. You've got a couple days. All right. Well, we'll see you next time. Goodbye. Bye.

editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.