Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Basing Your Self-Worth On the Love From Another

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update: Working with a verbally abusive boss (June 3, 2024) How not to be in a relationship Pacing yourself in dating Establishing boundaries and labels Calling it quits in a friendship Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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than you think. Hello. Hello. Greetings. Greetings, Earthlings. Welcome to a brand new episode of Don't Blame Me, which is a call-in and write-in advice show starring two people who really put their pussies out there to give the wettest advice that you've ever heard that was brand new and you know what i love it i stand by

it i open these legs for it i unclench and clench for it i kegel for it that's what we do that's what we're here for and um there are so many ways you can participate in this you could you could just listen or you could call in if you need some advice or you could email us you could send us a dm and you could also email us a voice memo but yeah you have to be 18 or over have your parents permission for all of the above if you want to send us a voicemail 310-694-0976 and if you want to send us an email meganpodcast.gmail.com you can also email a voice memo there and we will also link our instagram it's megan melissa it's just that yeah we've changed it so many times it is just megan and melissa we finally got what we wanted and it seems too good to be true so i

constantly forget so it's been like that for i want to say at least two years well you know last two years been fuzzy so um if you uh want to do any of those things for the voicemail and voicemail you have to keep it under three minutes we recommend that you write everything down read it out loud practice it a few times and uh that is how we can get like the best and most clear information because you will be planning it out and we do ask that you let us know your age you could let us know your pronouns if you would like to but we need like the the facts so we got that we break it down like an essay like your thesis and then what's your evidence backing that up give us a couple examples about a relationship how long have you been together about some bitch

that you hate give us the top three reasons why you hate them why you've got beef with them and you can even just say she's just that bitch eating crackers and i don't know i hate her for no reason that's also a valid valid we'll understand you and yeah if you are writing it keep it under 300 words and we also have a video version you can watch on patreon you can also listen ad for on patreon and you can also support the show by joining our live streams that we're even going to record one after we do today's episode and uh it's a great time you can meet new people literally from all over the world we recommend it i mean recommend it to like anyone there's always someone new joining pretty much like every single time we do one so you are very

very very unlikely going to be like the only new person there and everybody's like so welcoming and nice and fun and friendly you can also watch a couple to get a sense of the vibe but it's very chill laid back we hang out we talk it's a very comfortable easy vibe and join us join us we get to see our reactions to uh some of the calls or the write-ins and we're very expressive we emote big emoters up in here love it so anything else nah that's it okay we're gonna kick this one off with an update hello i'm the toxic workplace call and i had to re-record this because i was all over the place in the last one but here's some added info so i kept it big because I was worried about being too identifiable.

So I'm going to clear something up. I'm a vet's assistant. So I started off as a kennel attendant, and then they trained me now as a vet's assistant. So that's what I've been doing. So the doctor I work for does not own the clinic, and he was not the one who hired me. So we both answered to the same boss.

I work at one of two clinics, and the vet who owns the practices works at our sister hospital, which is why, like, I don't see that guy, and I can't like talk to him about it because he's like 40 minutes away every day where we see him. So the reason I've tolerated this for so long is because I plan on going into a hearing medicine.

So I worry about something to tie to the place because I've been there for like over a year now and I could be leaving a potential other recommendation online when I apply to vet school. So that's why I've tolerated this like bullshit for so long. And I feel like I've like wasted my time. And my second job is an animal shelter

that's right down the street, two minutes away. And that's why it's been so convenient. it. So I have skills that are, like, I could be hired somewhere else, but I just wouldn't have this ease of access. So I'm the youngest vet citizen they have there, and the majority of the people I work with are, like, 15 years older than me and have, like, been dealing with this, too. So I'm working on contacting ex-employees now and reaching out so I can proceed for this bullying, and I am in the, what's the phrase you use, like, a single consent state. So as long as I agree to record it and I'm recording it, it doesn't matter. So I plan on

compiling some information doing something about that but yeah a lot of the times when i was looking up for filing complaints it's about pet owners filing complaints for malpractice with the doctor not necessarily the best assistance for the people have to work for said doctor but thank you so much for your advice it's very helpful and insightful and i also think it's a sexual aspect so i'm like scared okay i love you guys thank you i hate how they make it so hard for pretty much like every job to like know how to report bad things that are going on or like how to advocate for yourself and all of that and like you basically have to wait until someone else who is like a peer in your space has done it or has gone through it to like let you know you know

like it's like that pisses me off yeah but there should be some type of labor thing in your state that you can report or even just ask questions to 100 there is and especially when you're saying like that the one that you are finding like it's mostly for pet owners to like for malpractice you can literally call them and be like hey i work for someone who is not good and i want to report them this is the only way i found reporting can you point me to the direction of how to report the other way because yeah sometimes they don't make it crystal clear of where that is or how that is And like, I know when I had a horrible psychiatrist, I didn't even know how to report him until I had a therapist years later who was like, you should report him and here's what you do, how you do that. And I was like, oh, never knew that this was even possibility at that point until then. so asking around i think is a very very good call and i'm glad you're in a single consent state but

also to follow up with like slightly more advice like the person who owns the practice who is at the hospital like 40 minutes away you can still talk to them and reach out to them even though they're not there but i think if you're compiling evidence to show them i would make sure you file a formal complaint and report him first i would get it all in writing so then if they try and retaliate you have that in writing as well right but yeah you don't have to deal with this and they make it hard and they make it seem like there's no way this is going to like work in a year it's you have such a good gig going on and all of that kind of stuff but promise you they're in the wrong you're not and protect your ass in the sense of like a paper trail you're you're not going to

like look back on this and be like oh I wish I had stayed silent and done nothing because like it will I think it's like what you said initially that like you if you endure you can only endure this for so long before it ruins it for you that you're never even going to get to the place that you want to get to because this will be so

like life and soul sucking right that just happened to someone I know where they were enduring for a while and then their boss came in and was going off on them and then they just were like thought about for a second and then like half an hour later they quit and then walked up

and then guess what hr tried to contact them and i said don't talk to hr they're there to protect the company tale as old as time when men have jobs yep send them to war we are going to take a quick break and then we will get in to the calls and write-ins when you're a mid-sized business you need every competitive advantage you can get like an ai solution that works for you not against you sap grow is built with ai embedded at its core, working across every system, and it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running. Bring it with SAP Grow, AI cloud ERP for any size business. Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the

Scotia High Interest Savings Account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotiabank. You're richer than you think. And we are back and we first have a write-in. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am writing in 21, she her Scorpio as I've recently broken up with my girlfriend of four months 22 she her cancer we broke up due to any time there was a form of conflict or disagreement in our relationship I'd break down crying or have a panic attack my ex would get incredibly frustrated when she was expressing her anger or upset about something I did that I would break down crying and would need

to be comforted she said my panic attacks are over the smallest conflicts were unnecessary and always escalated the situation out of proportion I tried explaining to her that there were certain triggers that caused the panic attacks, such as silent treatment, lack of reassurance, and raised voices. Ultimately, she claimed she couldn't create a safe space for me and my emotions and broke up with me. My question is, how do I cope without being in a relationship? Oh, I've discovered since I was 18 years old, I've been a serial monogamist and have only been out of a relationship for a maximum of six months. Within those breaks between relationships, I'm also spending so much time hooking up and obsessing over exes. I'm just about to graduate university and take on a teacher

training course while moving back with my parents to save money. Thus, Tinder dates and hookups are not going to be possible for the foreseeable future while i'm back home and taking on this new qualification i want to try and love myself and not base my self-worth on the love of another but i'm currently finding it so difficult and lonely any help will be much appreciated and i love the podcast i mean truthfully i think like i knew a lot of people who were serial relationship kind of people it is hard and lonely because this is the only time you've ever been out of it for longer than six months but I think of it like the same way you put work into a relationship and like you communicate and you do all of that I think you need to do that while being single like it's not

just you ignore the fact that you're like oh I'm gonna ignore people I'm attracted to I'm gonna ignore everything like that I'm just gonna bury it away and that makes it like there's like illicit temptation kind of a thing like you know it's a lot of self-worth work it's a lot of like you know therapy like understanding that and who you are and at least for me I didn't really like put any work into it when I took like a big break from dating I took like a I think it was a full year that I took away but like didn't go on dates didn't talk to people nothing and the first like six months I just like threw myself into work and then maybe it was only like the last like four or five months of it was when I started to like have a crush on someone enough that I was

like I've actually haven't done any of the work that I said I was going to do so like I need to figure this shit out because like I actually like this person and like I don't want to I have done I've been separated enough from this like habit of mine that I know that I don't want to do this same shit again with this person like why would I have wasted I would have wasted all of this time and not learned anything. And I really like spent those last couple months being like, okay, I have to figure my shit out before I engage with this.

And so that's not to say like put it off or whatever, but I think you have to get to a point where you are so comfortable being single that you meet someone or you get to the point where you're comfortable enough with yourself that you want to go date someone afterwards. It's just kind of like,

I mean, I've never done like a religious fasting or anything like that but it's like you kind of just have to get over that certain point where you then start getting to kind of cruise control it's breaking a habit it's difficult but to me I would I would quite literally prescribe a full minimum a full year of no flirting no hooking up no dating none of it and you know working on your anxiety and like therapy and all of that kind of stuff because I think a very clear and fine boundary is like raised voices like that's one that i have that i'm like a i don't i think regardless of any trauma you have for me very traumatizing but i think regardless of that i don't think it's respectful and i don't

think it's a respectful way to communicate with someone when when you're using raised voices and anger so that's like a totally fine boundary but if you're finding that like even when someone is accommodating those things you're still having a hard time communicating when you're at fault which again i've been there then that's something that it's like oh i have to work on that solo i can't work on that or work through that in a relationship yeah I think this time with your parents is like a blessing like you you can't have people over to hook up I think like like Megan was saying being alone for a year is good because you need to figure out like how to be alone one and then who you are and I think those are two separate journeys for you because you

don't know what it's like to be alone for longer than six months but then also you're not comfortable with who you are in yourself so just taking that time to like a point where you're just not thinking about anything not thinking about like doing the work on yourself just like having just time to exist in the world without anyone else and and letting and letting yourself enjoy that and then when you're like comfortable with that with like I'm comfortable with just like being alone okay now I need to get comfortable with who I am yeah I agree with that like for me the most like the clear delineation of like the progress that I had made was prior to taking that year-long break I was like without a doubt I want to get married and have kids and then as I'm in like the probably

like the middle of this year-long dating break I was like I don't need to have my I don't need to get married like that's I and it was the point where it was like if I find someone that I want to get married to I want to be there my whole thing was I would love the idea of finding it would be so cool to find someone that I like enough that I want to get married to them but like I don't know if that's even a fucking possibility that's like the level of how detached I became from like my own self-worth based on how other people feel about me that it went from this is the thing that I want and whoever gets me they're great to that person better like if they show up and make me want that thing like that's amazing whether it's I would

probably no i'm not gonna not gonna do that that's being able to be so comfortable being alone that like you can't even envision yourself like wanting to spend time with someone more than yourself like for an extended period of time it will happen like and that doesn't mean that you're not going to find someone you want to spend that time with but like you're going to continually find the wrong people until you're at the level of like self-acceptance and enjoying your own company that you would be fine without it that like someone actually has to earn the position not like oh i'm seeking someone for this position someone's got to earn earn that make them work for it so this is also if it makes you feel any better this is like a canon event like this is and this

specifically for people who've like dealt with whether it's like anxiety or like trauma regarding like relationships and that kind of stuff like it is something that like it's an unavoidable thing that like you you have like you got to get through and so it's lonely but I promise you it's like you eventually get to the point where it's coasting you're like riding a bike you don't have to pedal like it's just become second nature and it just takes time and it'll just click and we've both done that like we've both taken breaks and yeah like you said you have to sometime that you're not even thinking about the self-work it's just existing best of luck you can do it and you will do it we believe in you all right next one hi Megan and Melissa

I have loved the podcast and have written in before and your guys's advice is so amazing so I thought I'd call in about this problem I'm 22 and my pronouns are she her I have been recently talking to this guy and we have been going on dates and have been talking about becoming official soon and I really really like him so my issue is that most of the guys I've dated have not lived by me so I had some serious boyfriends in high school but they were from a different school or like usually from the next town over or any of the guys I dated in college lived in a suburb a different suburb of the city I'm in or we're around an hour away. So most of my dating life has kind of paced itself due to the distance. We'd be better about planning things like once a week

or we'd be texting most of the week and then only see each other once a week. And so I don't want to ruin my excitement about this new guy and about dating him, but I also don't want to be so excited that I'm rushing into something or that I'm not pacing myself. And so I guess I'm just asking if there's any advice you guys have on not rushing into anything, but still letting yourself be excited

about dating and someone new. So thank you guys so much. Bye-bye. What I'll say is like, it is kind of a canon event that like, even regardless of like your high school or college dating experiences, the first time you really date

when you are out of that like you're in the workforce you play house way too fast like I think like if you are able to pace yourself like that's great but at 22 I was not fucking pacing myself and like beginning of well I guess Motsang started dating at maybe 22 but like guys I dated like right out of like when I had dropped out of school and like 21 like we were spending every fucking day together and like it was way too much and so I think the fact that you are thinking about pacing it is kind of half that you've achieved half of it has already been achieved like that was not even something that was on my radar at that time but I don't know I think like if you have a job and he has a job there are like that's also a natural pacing in there and like

scheduling things with your friends ahead of time I would make sure that like and I think it's kind of good in general to have him have the person you're like starting to date not be the first person you reach out to make plans with. Have it be your friends or have like your hobbies and do that. And then you've got these slots to see if he's free to like hang out with, but not prioritizing him as the number one spot if you're not comfortable doing that. And I think that's a good way to preserve your friendships, which is a very hard thing to do when you are dating in your 20s yeah my kind of thing that I've been going with now is having a work date where it's like me meeting up with somebody I work with just to like network a me date where I'm taking myself

to do something whether it's like getting massage or like going out to eat or just something that's like for me, a friend date where I go hang out with a friend and then a date. So I think if you kind of put those parameters, maybe not depending on what in our work field, we have to be continuously networking all the time. But if you don't have to do that, then cut that out. But kind of just like putting parameters on yourself to make sure that you're not spending so much time with this person, but you're also maintaining your own friendships and also maintaining your own self identity and I think that can help you for now and then you know then it gets to the point where you're like okay well like he's just there when I get off work like and that's not really a date

like you that's just like existing where he's just there but then like you actually do have dates later in the week yeah and I also wouldn't beat yourself up about it if like let yourself get excited like I think like trying to kind of put a damper on that when you want to think logically about it like dating and like falling in love or falling like there's like zero logic there like it is if you are able to like get through your entire life without having rushing into a relationship and being like oh I fucked up there like I think like honor your true feelings don't squash those because I think that is a much harder habit to get back into is like trusting your gut and trusting your intuition that to me is like what you should value above everything else because once you start

to kind of second guess yourself that that's just it's just harder like it becomes an internal battle it's not something that you can like work out with friends or whatever but I think letting yourself be excited and seeing where that excitement like manifests and if you're aware of what like love bombing looks like and all of that, then I think you can just like follow your heart and like you might make some like not the greatest decisions, but that's also okay.

And if the pacing doesn't go how you think it should, but there's so many things like we always, we will all break our own dating rules. Like I have like, I tell people like don't move in together before a year of dating minimum. And like Mats and I moved in together a little, like before a year,

but we were friends and like whatever that is, But it's kind of like, you know, trust, trust your gut and go with those feelings. But make sure that you're thinking about your feelings in all aspects. Like Melissa said, like your feelings about friends, your feelings about work, your feelings about yourself. So like prioritize your feelings, but make sure your feelings aren't entirely just tied to him. So sometimes you need to be reminded and have scheduled time spending solo, spending with friends to remember that like those people also bring out the version of yourself you like the best. Like those people also you love those people, too. so keeping them at the forefront as well but this is so exciting i'm happy for you this is like

this is fun it's a good time have fun yeah have fun don't overthink it just think about it but don't overthink it and again playing house with like a 23 year old gaffer or a server at a restaurant is kind of a canon event like it's just like it's not it's not the end of the world no like sometimes you're tired you just want somebody there yeah and like it might blow up in your face and like welcome to the club like it's just it is what it is have fun learn and move on yeah or it could be the greatest thing ever exactly well we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get into the rest hear that it's your money calling it wants a promotion elevate your savings with the scotia

high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest conditions apply visit scotiabank.com slash hisa to learn more scotiabank you're richer than you think and we are back and let's get into the rest hi eminem i'm calling to get some advice on my current situationship. To get right into it, I'm female 25 and he's 31 male. He and I have been seeing each other for about six months now. We first went on a few dates late last year and I broke things off just because I wasn't ready to date and then we reconnected in January. I definitely had my guard up in the beginning and he was really patient with me, but over the last couple of months, I've really started to catch feelings. I met a few of his family members over

Memorial Day weekend, and one of the girlfriends used an opportunity when we were alone to ask me if we were dating, and I told her I didn't know how to answer, even though she definitely saw us holding hands and being affectionate. After I brought it up to him and that we should probably have a conversation about where things are headed, we both admitted that we really liked each other and wanted to continue down the path we were on and see where things went. We had a discussion of being exclusive, but he did clarify he wasn't in a place with his personal life and work where he wanted to put a label on things. His mom passed away a couple of months ago, and he has some major campaigns going on at work, so his hours have been crazy, which I can understand. I told him I

understood at the time, and we kind of moved on. Here's my problem. I feel like I need a better understanding of what those boundaries look like and more reassurance just so I really know what to expect. To be honest, I expected the conversation to go a little different, so I pulled back slightly because I was worried I was texting too much or wanted to hang out too much. To clarify, we check in throughout the week and hang out once or twice a week, but we're not constantly texting or hanging out every day. We send each other TikToks most days, but otherwise we aren't talking 24-7. He's on a work retreat and then a work trip for the next week, and then a couple of weeks I'm taking a solo trip for two weeks in Europe.

So communication and hanging out will be very limited for the next month. While it's eating me alive and I want to talk to him about it, I feel like I should wait until I'm back or bring it up after he's back next week. My other issue is that him and his ex who broke up about two years ago are friends, which I'm fine with. But she viewed my TikTok profile yesterday and I just find it odd. He and I have been following each other on there since last year and I never post, which tells me I got brought up in conversation in some capacity. So she decided to creep. I can only see their conversation going two ways. So it's just adding to my insecurities.

I guess I'm asking for advice on what to do and if I should be concerned. I really like him and can see this going somewhere long term. And I'm trying to be patient, but I'm letting my anxiety get the best of me. He is so amazing and really has no red flags. This being so confusing is the only issue. So if I have some extra time, I am a Leo and he's a Virgo. love you guys so much and thank you in advance for your help. I think that definitions of phrases and terms are gaining misconstrued here. If you are talking and have never seen this person

in person, that is the talking phase. If you are going places with them, meeting family, hanging out, y'all are dating. Now, the thing is, what's the exclusive dating? Yep. Did you decide that they did they decide that they were exclusive or they just that's the thing is they haven't decided i think that the thing is they're talking about is like are we dating but yes y'all are dating you are going places together you are spending time together you are meeting his friends that is dating you just haven't decided if you're exclusively dating or yet not because that's what the friend asked are you two dating yes yes you were dating yeah i mean i view a situationship as like a the same thing as as dating it's not a relationship it's a situationship it's dating

and so therefore the same way that like people could be dating ultimately at the same time right that's non-exclusive you're just you're still dating it's still a situationship you're in a situation where you're spending time together you're going places you're meeting each other's friends you're talking you're texting like yes you're dating i would like to um bring up one red flag that he has which is i can bring up multiple but i'm just gonna start with the one but uh he's introducing you to his family and holding hands and bringing you around that's crazy yes that is straight up fucking crazy i say this with so much love you walked away from this conversation feeling confused because that was the intention like he didn't want to be clear

he wants it the boundaries are fuzzy and therefore it gives him an out it makes it so you don't feel like if he did something that you didn't feel cool with that he would be at fault there because those boundaries have not been clearly communicated and you would look at it as a oh that was you know what will well we never established or whatever that is and it's still gonna hurt so like to me i think like this is such immature behavior for a 31 year old man to be like i can't put a label on it right now because like there's an expectation there that's essentially what that means when someone doesn't put a label on it there's an expectation how how's monastic carry themselves and when we initially think we go oh well it's because

they think like you know we don't text as often like they think they'll have to do that or we'll have to make time for dates we're not thinking enough about is oh the expectation there is we don't sleep with other people we don't date other people we don't flirt or hook up with other people we're monogamous and we're exclusive and that's a huge fucking part of it like when you have been with someone for six months and like he's going dealing with grief and is comfortable to and i don't know if he brought you like around his family before or after that but like if someone is going through grief so deeply which is so valid and they are not ready to label a relationship because they don't feel like they can be that right person they should not be dating they should

be in they should not be with that so like that is not your problem if he is not comfortable and he's not in a place where he can be that for someone he doesn't get to just do that without the label because there's no fucking difference there and like you understand what he's going through you're not having these unrealistic expectations for him and like i don't want to put something bad in your mind but like the fact that he's talking to his ex-girlfriend of two years who probably knew his mom like that's that's who you seek solace in when you are going through grief it is not you don't go out and start dating someone new and so this guy is i think he's banking on you being younger before she died yeah that's what i'm saying it's like she would you seek out

people who have known this person and it just is kind of easier and it's an easy comfort and there's no expectations there and like yeah he's got a lot of stuff going on at work but like you make time for what you want yeah and like i he is being intentionally misleading with you and um he is banking on you being 25 and not understanding this and like thinking he's like a really great guy and like there is this genre of men who say all of the right things and who sound so mature and sound so emotionally intelligent and like don't shy away from conversations but you walk away from those conversations being like I actually don't have you think that you're as you're having these conversations about boundaries like what you are you're like oh my god we're like so on

the same page like I feel so supported and you walk away from it going I don't think we said anything like I don't think anything was established there and like that is all very intentional like there are some guys who like are very kind very nice very sweet guys who have found a way to kind of be at the reins of a relationship and make you feel like you've got a hand on the wheel too and you don't and it's it's kind of like snapping out of it and being like wait what like he's going on this work trip and doing all that like how would you feel if he's hooking up with other people how would you feel if he's dating other people and talking to other people and like I do strongly believe at this point like when is he gonna I would ask him like at this point I

would be like a final conversation like at what point do you think that you would be ready for this and like what is the different what are you having a hard time letting go of and what are your expectations and what would change about us if we said that we were exclusive because again you are dating and is he seeing other people if that if that's what it is then he just needs to be up front with like i'm seeing other people and i don't want to commit because everything else seems like it would be the same thing and i'm like not of the camp of like convincing someone to date you or convincing someone to like uh take a step in a relationship without them propelling that as well without that being a mutual desire but like i think for your sake you are really

invested in this and this has been like six months i think that you need to straight up ask him all of this and you need you need to not say that many words which is i have an issue with like sometimes where i will talk and then i will be like okay are we good or like or do we like did we figure this out or whatever and then i'm realizing like i just talked like i don't know where they're at and so i you just need to ask him these straightforward questions what what is the timeline that you foresee are you sleeping with other people what things are you not looking to give up what things do you think would change about our relationship if we established that and then ask him all of those things and be like so i'm interested in us defining and establishing

this as a committed monogamous relationship you'd be my boyfriend i'd be your girlfriend yes or no and then you have to take that for what it is because this whole thing of being like well i'm trying to be patient and all of that kind of stuff like that that is if someone wants to date and they're whether they're on dating apps or they're dating you they need then they should be ready to date they should be ready for that and like if that has not been established from the beginning of like i just want to hook up and it's nothing serious he either needs to say that or he needs to actually date you in an exclusive way that he's implying or suggesting that he would want in the future because you're waiting around i promise you you're not gonna get what you want

and you're gonna feel really fucking silly and you shouldn't feel silly but like you're you're gonna get you're gonna be very fucking jaded having trusted this man right also why did the friend asked you and not him well it seemed like it was a girl was it a girlfriend or a girl relative that's girlfriend that's weird why wouldn't you ask the person that you actually know it was a few of the family members and one of the girlfriends so i think it was a girlfriend of the family member either way you're the new person in the situation you ask him yeah i also think that to me if i heard that now i would go this girl's trying to give me a heads up at the time I would have not thought that and like I've been this girl before I've like

guys who are older than me who like I go out with and they like introduce me around and like I it feels like oh I'm like I'm just like these other relationships that are there like this is solidifying that and like looking back on interactions I had with like other girlfriends there I was like they were trying to let me know that like we were not the same and like I should watch out and I didn't and like that's something that I think is again one of those like sneaky moves that these nice guys quote-unquote do where it feels like he has no red flags he's so communicative he's so kind he's not hiding me and it's like yeah he's not hiding you because he doesn't have to hide anything because he's not there is nothing concrete there between you and

you he's making sure that it's like that so if he does something that would upset you you don't even feel like you can tell him you're upset because it's not that that has been established that he couldn't do that so yeah men don't end up in these situations by accident you know and i don't think that women end up in these situations on purpose like i think it's we've got one person who's saying one thing and believing something and all of that like it's an intentional jumbled confusing fucking mess right but i hope nothing but the best like i hope that you have this conversation it's everything that you want and it's all great but I you have to have that conversation because there's no patience or waiting that you can have that changes the outcome of that conversation

you ask today you ask tomorrow you ask a year from now a month from now it's always going to be the same answer so ask now all right next one hey queens I need advice on when to leave a friendship I am 24 she her so freshman year of college I did the random route for dorm living as most of my friends went to different schools. So I was paired with, let's call her Marissa. We grew to be fast friends and even continued being roommates throughout the years. Even now that we've graduated, we're still close.

I wouldn't consider her a best friend, but we still check in often. So recently within the last year, I've noticed every conversation is revolved around her. She customarily checks in on me at the beginning of the conversation, then goes off about the deep end about herself. Even when I do get a few words in on my personal life,

she brings it back to herself. It's exhausting and hella selfish. So she recently got engaged and that's all she has to talk about. I've been in a committed relationship for three years and she always throws slick shots. One example, she'll be like, oh yeah, my boyfriend just knew I was the one

after two years. Don't you wonder why your boyfriend hasn't proposed yet? So with wedding planning comes bridesmaid selection. I'm 99% sure she's going to ask me in a cute little gift or whatever they do nowadays. I feel like I need to cut this shit before then. I know if she gets me a gift and counts me in on the wedding details,

I will feel bad and stay in the friendship. With the clock ticking for when the selection happens, I desperately need advice. Thanks for consideration. You're already checked out of this friendship. as you should be yeah as you should be good god listen this is melissa and i's least favorite person and we've both we've both experienced this person but then you threw on the wedding aspect which already pisses us off like this is like next level fucking annoying next time you

talk to her just be like every time she tries to say change the subject to herself just keep changing it back to yourself and give her a dose of her own medicine if you want to talk to her if you don't want to talk to her just say i'm happy that you found someone else to talk to for the rest of your life now you don't have to talk to me goodbye that may be a little right that may be a little extreme but just like say bring it up however you want to bring it up like just you've already checked out you're done you've said i do not want to be in this broad's wedding because if i do then that's gonna sign me up for another however long their engagement is godmother yeah like you just gotta cut her out i mean you're better than me the way i would have

already ghosted her i was gonna say the way that this girl would never hear from me again like i don't care she shows up at my doorstep with a fucking mason jar and a little silk row with my monogram embroider on it i'm not home i'm actually i actually moved and like we're we don't follow each i unfollow her on social media like i am dead to her she's looking for me she cannot find me like the way i would i would hop off the map so fucking fast so like i think if you're this checked out you don't sound like a ghoster because you would already you already go that's two people you were having so good like i would have been gone because like i think that like friendships can go through phases like this but like i've had never any desire to ghost a

friend who i know that i'm like this is a season of life and this is a phase and i need to change the parameters of our friendship this is not one of those situations this friendship just needs to end because this is not a friendship at this point like you are an unpaid therapist and or you're just a wall for someone to talk to right so I would send her a message and just be like hey I want to say that this is like a very awkward thing to do but like I feel like this is better than ghosting this is how I would prefer this I don't expect you to respond to this that's totally okay I'm not looking for this to like be a conversation because I know this is probably like weird to receive but like I just feel like we're in totally different directions of our

friendship and we're both looking for different things out of a friendship and I don't think it's fair to either of us to spend the time and energy on a friendship that's not fulfilling for us I don't think I can be the friend that you need and I feel like I really need some other friends I need I need a different kind of friendship in my life and I've enjoyed all of our memories and our things together but I just felt like it would be really disingenuous if I didn't if I held on to this until after your wedding you deserve people up there who are ready willing and able to be that friend for you and that's not me I wish you nothing but the best and I know that you will have a beautiful wedding and like a lovely life together and then I would send it

and then I would block her or I would just mute her and just I would not read what she responds I would not even see if she responds like I would make it so there's no notifications from her and I would just put it out of my mind and like move on like because there's nothing really to say after that and I think if you're looking to see what she says back that to me tells me that you're like actually not ready for the friendship to end right because it needs to just be it's not a convert it's just a declaration of i'm out bye bitch yeah also with those if you wanted to take it this far which could be too far i i think it's too far but this is the this is an option is that with those bright maze thing now they've kind of turned them into proposals prom posts

was like those types of things where you get the gif and it's like check yes or no check no and then be done so the way that i'm like girl wait till you get that and then just be like you can't it's gonna be a no from me like but that's also because i love the mess that's why we have this podcast i love i love talking about the mess but if i was in this situation i wouldn't actually i would not do it i would not do it but also someone can bring something to your house and you can still ghost them that's fine and I promise you if you want to ghost them this maybe this is me if I want to ghost someone that's actually me being kinder because you don't want to hear what I have to say it's I'm censoring myself and if you insist on us having a conversation I don't

think you're going to going to like it like this is when the kindest thing I could do is literally ghost you that's how you know what I'm about to say it's not not nice the fact that this broad said my boyfriend knew can't imagine being with somebody that didn't know what a bitch yeah and also the way that they will not be happily married like they will not that is either not a marriage that's going to survive or not a marriage that will be happy like that is because you don't say that when you are happy in your like mods i've been dating for so fucking long and i have a lot of friends who have again la people don't get married young like have a lot of friends who've also been dating their partners for a long ass fucking time not once ever when we get it got

engaged as i like slave are you guys like gonna get engaged and i remember they told me they're like oh yeah someone's always asking you when we were getting engaged and i was like what what that's so fucking like are they are they unhappy like what's wrong with their like why would they it's so fucking weird to me like it's so so so weird to me because again it's one of those things you you don't talk about other people's business their relationships their family whatever the decisions they make unless you are not confident in the decision that you are making and you need to rope other people into what you're doing or you need to like peacock it to feel like you're making the right choice right it's fucking crazy it's so it's so wildly what did you say like the

way i would have been like excuse me and also it seems like you've been dating longer when people who are when people who are in relationships for not nearly as long like well we're actually like this i'm like oh you're a fucking idiot like i'm so sorry that you believe everything a man you met five minutes ago says to you that's unfortunate i don't really want to be around to clean up the pieces that's just gonna implode i will be saying something to you and you're gonna die laughing but okay get off the mic we gotta go well that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoy this was a great this was this was juicy this was a juicy episode thank you everyone thank you everyone like this is how we survive like you

know i was gonna say superman is kryptonite that's the wrong thing kyle xy his amniotic fluid before he left that little uh chamber that's yeah the pod that's that's it's your man has the sun the yellow sun oh okay that's what gives him his powers away from his planet the sun like our yellow sun yep our sun like on his planet he wouldn't yeah on his planet he wouldn't have powers but on our planet it's the yellow sun that powers the lord goes deep he he's he's old school well we hope you all enjoyed again you could join our patreon you can support the show you can also watch the video versions and we have other podcasts that we release we have cdx tuesday which is tomorrow which is us hanging out chit-chatting catching up and then what do we

have on thursday melissa thursday we have but am i wrong which is when y'all sometimes don't take advice here or just other situations in your life where you share if you were wrong in the situation we also give our own things from our own lives and then nominate the worst of the week as well And then on Friday, we have the Fisting Friday, where we take the votes from those things that happened on Thursday and share it with the class. It's a great time. We encourage you to participate. Listen along. We are here for you. If you are trying to currently break free from a daily podcast or you are a Recovering Cody Co fan, we're here and we are not predators. Support women. support women with microphones

the end the end all right well we'll see you tomorrow bye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz

plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter Thank you.