Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Bleeding on Your Wedding Day

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update: Taking care of your partner's pet Slumps in a relationship Growing apart from your hometown friends Consummating with period sex Telling your sex buddy that you have feelings for them Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody. Welcome to a brand spanking new episode of Don't Blame Me, where we two wonderful, gorgeous, amazing human beings who have really great diction and enunciation. We give you wonderful life-changing advice that changes your life. And you might be asking, i see that you're gorgeous because i'm on your patreon and i love supporting women first of all thank you um and how could two people who are so stunning so funny also be qualified and to that i say you said it yourself don't ask questions the questions answer themselves we have our own don't ask don't tell policy and that is don't ask us what our qualifications are and we won't tell you a lie unless we do yeah and in which case it's a fun one so we're megan and melissa

also known as the m&m universe if you're brand new here um also known as sister sign exactly big things are happening right i don't think we've officially said it but yeah we started a company i had you change it on that post you made yes so if you guys picked up on that doesn't sound great you know the way that it came to me so easy as we were sitting there pondering and then you're like oh well we have been talking about it and we like have both been like thinking for like years at this point and then i was like what if we just did this and it was like the first time we started thinking about it in that moment like in the moment there like we weren't like in a long brainstorming session i was like oh yeah how about this whoa perfect don't push it everyone

don't you just let it come to you so we're going to give you some advice and we on this podcast we answer your advice via email as well as your voicemail so if you want to leave us a voicemail that's 310-694-0976 international listeners you can also record a voice memo we'll play it just like a voicemail and you can email that to meganpodcast at gmail.com and then we also accept written submission. So you could write into our Instagram account or you can write into that same email address, meganpodcasts at gmail.com. And for all the things, if you're 18 or over or have your parents permission and every single one, every single version of your submission will always be anonymous. But we do ask that you include your age and if anyone else is involved

in this, what their age is as well and all the relevant details. So for the voice memo and of voicemail, it has to be under three minutes. And for the written version has to be under 300 words. And the best way to do it is to write everything down, practice it a few times, or just read it over. Make sure you're under the word count or the timing count of it. And you include all of the relevant details because we can only give you advice on the information that you give us. We have to fill in the holes otherwise. But we always say like, give us your thesis, your three examples, and the rest of what you're asking for advice on. and let us know if you're sensitive because we do keep that in mind good job megan thank you

anyways should we get into the update an update yeah hello melissa and megan i am calling with an update um i was calling about taking care of your partner's pet in the don't blame me episode with logan yuri december 18 2023 i'm reading it right now anyway so that crazy dog that we have in our one bedroom she's here no more long story it was crazy i would love to get into it with you guys one of the worst things my life happened when she bit another dog i was there it was horrible i was like final straw i'm leaving and i can't stay at home until this dog's gone so my partner is it's been a few weeks but they're trying to rehome her uh but she's been gone for a few weeks she's living with my partner's parents but my partner is living there like an hour and a half

away until they rehome this dog. It's surprisingly hard. All two of them are city or full and you can't take in the state they're in, can't take out of state dogs, but you guys don't really need the details. I'm doing so much better. It's just me and my cat and I miss my partner a lot, but you know, I'm so happy that I don't have to live with this dog. Like I feel like I'm thriving. So very excited about that really wanted to let you guys know also recently joined the patreon and have only been to one of the meetup zoom meetup things and it was great but i keep forgetting to come back so i need to figure out what day that's on friday usually yeah but you know okay thank you so much uh yeah that's that's all i got bye-bye i love to hear people thriving i can hear it in

your voice how elated and relaxed and excited that you are that you have your space back and you know what i think about i think if you which i hope you do listen to the our other podcasts but am i wrong i have so much confidence that you voted not in favor of valuing dogs lives over here yeah because you know i have to value my own mental health over this and i love hearing the joy in updates when like people are like in a circumstance or situation that is like one that like we think about after the call has ended and knowing that like that is the past and you you don't have to deal with that anymore i'm so happy for you me too and join yeah and come come to the live streams they're very fun they're on fridays 99.9 percent of the time but the what friday it

is anyone's guess keep being curious keep asking questions next friday sure okay so y'all y'all hear y'all heard it here first it'll be tomorrow i've probably already posted about it try to be better we're all trying to be better and you know what it's okay all right so we're going to take a break and when we get back we'll get into the first write-in then we're back first up hi eminem i'm wondering what advice you have for quote-unquote slumps and relationships i've been with my boyfriend for three years we met when he was a senior in college and I was a junior. I'm 22 now and he is 24. After my graduation, we moved in together. He's extremely kind, caring, thoughtful, and funny. I struggle with feeling like we are spending

intentional time together. Upon moving in, I felt like we were becoming roommates. Our quote-unquote quality time was limited to going to the gym together, separate workouts, and watching shows. This feeling led to multiple disagreements as my boyfriend felt my frustrations were quote-unquote in my head. Monday through Friday, we are both busy with work and gym that my boyfriend and his friends want to hang out all Saturday and Sunday. Post-grad, many of his friends have stayed locally, whereas most of my friends are now relocated. When we are all out in one group, he has said numerous times that he is least concerned with what I want because I'm the closest person to him, so he focuses on ensuring that everyone else is happy. This causes a lot of

tension, specifically at night, like 2 a.m., when I want us to go home to bed after an entire day with his friends while he wants to stay out all night to like 4am. I love him so much, but I feel drained and alone. This has led to a relationship slump. I feel like I've become more sensitive to minuscule things in our typical routine. For example, when he scrolls reels while I'm talking or he forgoes flowers for anniversary. I was pretty upset and overreacted. I hope you have some advice on how to move forward. Please be tough if necessary. Oh my god, literally move the fuck out. You're not overreacting for any of those things. This man is giving you breadcrumbs and expecting you to kiss the fucking ground.

He walks on to the point where now you're thinking that you are overreacting when he ignores you when you're speaking and forgets your fucking anniversary. Yeah, I don't understand why he feels like he needs to neglect you when you aren't ever spending any quality time together. He, and I don't, who needs to be with their friends all day

on Saturday and Sunday every week? 24 years old? Why do you live with your girlfriend then? yes like you just want a roommate yeah you are a roommate that's and so um I if y'all should be having intentional dates

it doesn't have to mean that you're like necessarily going out but like you can go out you can stay in but you should have I think once a week especially at this point since you're in a quote unquote slump and you should be having dates that aren't just y'all watching tv and going to the gym this feels

very lazy on his part Yeah, I have the opposite. I think you need to break up. Like to me, this is like not, this is not a normal slump. Because like, as when I started reading this, I was like, Oh, totally understand. Have great advice for this. Because it is inevitable that when you move in with your partner, and I will also say it's even when you move in with your like best friend, like it does take your relationship differently. And like you become roommates. And so you have to make a conscious effort to spend quality time together. And for a lot of instances, one person views just hanging out at home as quality time and sharing space as quality time and the other person doesn't. But then when you actually do the intentional quality time going out on a date, or even like planning a night in and watching a movie and getting takeout and being present with each other, then very quickly, the other person is like, Oh, yeah, there is a huge difference

between this level of quality time. But it's not that it's that. it's he's told you that he does not prioritize you and like your feelings are not the most important to him and I think you need to listen to that because like that's not that's not just like oh everyone thinks it but he's saying it like that's not true at all this to me is someone who with love you as he moved in he was not ready to move in with a partner at all and so he's viewing it like you are roommates because you are. And your sensitivity to quote unquote minuscule things is not that. And to me, this just is abundantly clear that he's acting like nothing he does can

ever make you happy. When in reality, he's not doing... He's actively doing things to make you unhappy. It's not that you aren't being grateful for the things he does or he has to go above and beyond it's like no no he can't even do the basics at all and then is making it seem like it's a expectation issue with you so to me three years in I would be out also because I mean I don't know where you're from or where you live but living I don't know many men at all who lived a significant other at 24 so I just think if he if he's the only one who does like he's he wants the bro life still and like that's fine but he can be single then i just think like we have to listen when people say things and not try and like sanitize them into ways that like

makes it sound better but if any of my friends said this to me i'd be like are you snap out of it like this is not a you this is clearly a him problem and he doesn't want to improve on this because he doesn't think there's an issue. And it's giving that same guy who tells you like, oh, you know, like I'm not like really a good relationship guy, but then gets you in a relationship, asks you to be exclusive,

then cheats on you and then goes, but I told you I wasn't a relationship guy. It's like, he's telling you how he's valuing you and how he's going to treat you. And he's following through on that just because there's the title of boyfriend and just because you live together doesn't change the fact that like

he's being very transparent about like where you fall on his like level of importance and that's not that that's not a universal thing in relationships and like I think because you're young he's trying to make it seem like that's just how it goes and it's not it doesn't have to be this way whatsoever I agree but it's just like because they are young that it may not be something that he realizes and if you point it out and then he doesn't make any changes then that's when to leave maybe says her frustrations are just in her head i don't like that yeah like to me this just doesn't like i think like let's if this happens three years from now he's a little bit older he has friends who are in serious with all of that stuff like he might be more susceptible

to this but like how long do you want to stick it out like i always tell people like when i say like you have the conversation with him i mean like if it's not your final one to decide two weeks yeah like then you're out then be done yeah sometimes it's good to for your own sanity to feel like you gave it your best effort even though you already have sometimes like kind of like a last hail mary or whatever in hopes of that is a good kind of thing but yeah like i i don't know i think that there are two different kinds of relationships you can get into you can get into a relationship into your 30s or later and it's two people who have probably already gone to therapy who've like been through some shit they like i talk about this all the time i have

a friend who she was in her 30s and she met her husband and like the first night she was like he's gonna i'm gonna marry that man and he said the same thing and they were married within like six months and they had a baby about a year later like they that was just she just knew and you you get that's when you get people who have already been through some shit and through some life and You could kind of skip those steps. You want to be... If you are in a relationship from the time that you're young, all of the growing and all of those things

you're doing with another person. And there's a lot that goes through that. There's a lot of work that's put into those people. And it's not going to be as easy or as mature. And that's something that you have to decide if you want. like do you want to teach him how to treat a partner and that's you that's allowed like you're allowed to want to like make it work with him but like Melissa said like you have to give him one last effort and you can't want to make it work enough for the both of you like he actually has

to do the work and if he doesn't and he tells you it's all in your head then you have to know that he's never going to do the work and then are you cool with your life like this because it's not gonna change but i really hate him yeah all right next one good day melissa and megan i hope your week has been everything and more so i'm writing today for advice on leaving a friend group i'm 26 and use she her pronouns for some background information i'm from a small town where everyone knows everyone oftentimes families go back generations because people don't leave most people own their own businesses that keep the town going so most of the kids do not go to college. I was not one of those kids. I got a Fulbright scholarship and went to school cross-country.

While being gone for four years, I learned a lot. It was like being exposed to a new world. A lot in my life changed. My beliefs, my political views, etc. So I came back home last year. By home, I mean the next town over that is relatively a big city. There is a university there I teach at. so it is close enough to home where I can visit on the weekends but not too close. All my friends took the traditional route and stayed in our small town. I've literally known them ever since diapers so I feel bad that I want to leave. The thing is I changed and they have it. Things I used to find fun no longer are. Things that I thought were politically correct were 100% not and I had to get out of there to see it. I don't fault them for anything at all and I don't want

to seem like i am better than anyone we just simply have grown apart i don't have much to add to the conversation both in our group chat and in person i feel like it's time to call it quits but i don't know if that's the right idea or how to go about it any help would be great i mean what are you doing a ghost please tune into the patreon so you can see that ridiculousness i am available for hire cast me i mean i went through something similar but the difference was most of the people since i live in a college area most of the people there went to college that i went to high school went to college but i do not align with a lot of them politically i never did but um things got quite

different in the last yeah in the last few years but yeah like i literally don't talk to anybody i went to high school with um there's a few that we follow each other there's a few that follow me on social media i definitely don't follow them but there's a few that we follow each other and but those are like people that were already liberal but i still don't talk to them i was literally like this is a year for my reunion i'm supposed to be on the planning committee they don't know how to get in contact with me because i was in class council how you meant it to be and i don't want them to i don't have facebook like they don't know and i was like i don't it's not like i would go to anything but it dawned on me literally this week oh there's probably

reunion happening sometime soon but shit happens make friends with the people in your new town it's a university city so there's probably people that fall in line with you there just let let it fall you have nothing to say just don't say anything back yeah just let things naturally happen and they'll happen and make new friends in the area that you're in yeah i think that's the way to go um we are big proponents of ghosting on this podcast because i think ghosting can do many things you can do like that where you take you just kind of pull back or you know you don't say something you might not mean or whatever like i think it doesn't have to be a big declaration because your feelings don't sound like a big declaration so i think like to be

frank and to be honest like mel said you don't have much to say so don't say anything back like you don't have to kind of force it and i wouldn't like feel guilty and i think it's like a totally fine thing shit happens like you can be friends with people for a very long time and be aligned on like so many things and then something can happen and the friendship can dissolve that you don't even want it to you know so like there's so many things that are totally out of your control with this with friendships so I think like to not assign any sort of like blame to it or thinking that like oh this is a bad thing because I think if you stick it out in a friendship that doesn't feel authentic anymore it will inevitably end but it'll probably end worse like it'll probably like

it builds up and resentment kind of builds up and you said that like you know a lot of the jokes and stuff that you thought were PC really weren't. And, you know, you don't fault any of these people for this or whatever. But, you know, I think you really are a reflection of the people who you surround yourself with. And like, I've taken breaks from friendships from people who grew up more conservative than I did. And I would be like, Whoa, I don't really know what that means. But I don't think that's something that you should say or whatever. And then like, you know, you can take breaks from friendships and be like i don't feel like we're on the same vibe anymore and people grow and people change and those people might have similar experiences that you did maybe obviously

not through the college aspect of it but they might grow and they might change there so i think um pulling back naturally i i think it's also not necessarily a death sentence to your friendship as like for the future of it because like those people also might grow and change like you but i do think if you go hey everybody i'm done being friends that that's not a good look so even if they do change and it sounds like you really changed for the better in terms of like um social awareness and like a world awareness you don't ever really want to villainize make it so like oh the college educated like worldly is like a negative so i think like to kind of back away from it with like as much subtlety and ease as possible also leaves the

opportunity for them to have that growth and then not resent this thing which is life experience and education so yeah I I think it's the right idea I always think if you think you need to break up with someone or you think you need to like end a friendship or take a step back from a friendship you have to do it and event you just need then you eventually just get to the point where you don't have any other options of other things to do. And it's not, it doesn't always have to be a bad thing.

But congratulations on like a university job. Yeah, that's really fun. I always think that's like, that's like a job. I love like jobs that people have in like movies or TV shows. And like, that's a job you'd give, I don't know,

a young go-getter. And I'm like, oh, look at you. You're a young go-getter. Small town to the big city. Small town to the, you know, mid-sized city is kind of what it sounds like.

yeah okay we're gonna take a quick break and we will be back with the rest of the episode and we are back i am jumping at the bit to read this one i just read the one sentence summary hey eminem i am in need of help in a big way capital big so i'm 28 she her next month i get married to my fiance and i am so excited aside from one thing my period is due the day before my wedding i planned everything to the fucking t and now my period is tracking a week early because august is a five-week month so i guess i need all the tips and tricks on period sex we've both always found that gross and never explored even though we've been together for six years all my friends are like-minded and also don't have period sex so i knew you all'd be my

go-to and the whole dbm family please give me your best advice how am i supposed to be sexy when my tits hurt and i'm bloated is there even foreplay involved for me or is it too messy some don't blame them would be greatly appreciated thanks so much for your help well do you want to speak on it first you can speak on this first i feel so bad for you first first informer i feel bad for you it doesn't sound like you're horrible periods though no well she's out her tits hurt yeah but you didn't say that you're like i don't want to be doubled over in pain you won't be able to like do the wedding you're thinking about the sex part not like the surviving day yeah um i just want to put out there people july and august that's what your period so just keep that i don't know that

yeah remember how when i went to um i thought it was getting on the planes i thought it was getting on the planes too everything's thrown off because of the length of the months it's that's what was our problem because melissa and i've been attributing we would go oh the planes it was traveling nope oh i figured it out it's a traveling i mean not to travel is because they're two months back to back that have 31 days and so your periods get off during that time mine finally got caught back up i'm back to where i was so uh if you're planning anything around these times just keep in mind that the days get weird right now so i would say i'm guessing that this isn't the first time that you're having sex um and so will you feel in the mood to even have sex first of all it's a long

ass day if you're doing like the full wedding shebang it's gonna be a long day you're on your period you're you might be tired you might be cranky your tits are gonna be sore like will you even feel like having sex and if the and i would fill it out if you don't feel like having sex don't have sex that day do it when you're more relaxed you can enjoy it the reason why people like say that the wedding day like you you go have like your sex because people were waiting no women were waiting before that were betrothed this was a way to consummate the marriage and like say basically now you're his that doesn't have the same sentiments these days i know some people that don't have sex on their wedding day just because it's again it's a long ass day the day

before you have the rehearsal the day before it's tiring like you just might not be in the mood if you like to have period sex flex one of the companies if blood is um not something you want to physically see flex makes these discs that go inside of you that you can put up there and it holds the blood back but still allows the penis to go inside so or whatever objects body parts that you like inside of you you can get that and then there's no mess or you can just put a towel down if you're at a hotel maybe don't do that if you are maybe bring um some plastic bags to put down and a towel from home because they're white towels there yeah no you want you don't want to have the white towels there bring things that make it so you're not making a mess yeah in the

hotel room you can have a water you can get a waterproof mattress cover you can put it on top like if you're at a hotel you can put that on top of a like the sheet you don't have to like take the top sheets off or i mean the like fitted sheet off you can just do that and then have dark towels and don't have sex with the lights fully off like you need to know or be close enough to a light that you can turn on afterwards and you're not like getting blown everywhere but uh my joke advice was do you like anal like that was but you know that's not for me let alone is that not for me when I'm my fucking period and it feels like there's a lightning rod in both my my crotch and my asshole I'm kind of like of the mindset that like I think this if you haven't

even thought about your period I think that like like I said you're you've already implied you've had sex before. I don't know that like getting your period on your wedding would be the worst thing ever because I know I would think about that. That'd be the first thing I would think about. So for me, I would wonder, are you going on a honeymoon right after? Because that would definitely suck without a doubt. But I think that you would be surprised how few couples actually have sex on their wedding night who are not Mormon like if it's not in a religious setting and you have not had sex before and the wedding ends at like 5 30 like I just most of the people I know I've been to their weddings they did not have sex they're tired they're so tired and they're

like we're partying a lot of people are really fucking drunk and like it's not it's not sexy so my thing is like if you're in the mindset of like oh we're gonna have sex on our wedding night but like we've already had sex before i'm gonna i don't think that post-wedding night sex is sexy in general because people are fucking exhausted so you know i think like opting to do it because you're both like really in the mood and you're super horny like go for it i would have a very honest conversation with your soon-to-be husband about it first because that as somebody who like was not into period sex at all and did not just don't fucking touch me

the temple pole. Also, I was in so much fucking pain when I got on birth control that I was taking consistently to eventually and now thankfully it does eliminate my ovulating so I don't get cysts anymore and to stop my period fully.

There was a seven month period where I was bleeding every single day. And it was like, we had to have a serious conversation about being like, okay, well, we're not going to like just not have sex. And like, I had to be like, here's the thing.

I need you to be so like, you need to be so gung ho because the way that we've been socialized to view periods is something gross and disgusting. If I even catch a glimpse of like a yuck face on you, like I'll lose it. And like that. And he was like, no, no, I'm fine. Like I'm totally good. Like this is something that you were not interested in because of, you know, how much pain you were but like from a, like a ick factor wise or whatever. So, but at the same time, if he, I told him and I was like, if this grosses you out, I'm, that's fine. That's so okay.

I will not be mad at you, but you have to tell me now. I'm cannot, I can't be naked, vulnerable, hormonal and emotional and then read into your feelings as you being grossed out or icked out. And so it was like, okay, so what happens if like, you know, you pull out and like, you see a lot of blood. What are you going to, how are you going to feel? What are you going to do? And so going through all of that and like making the sex unsexy there to make sure that it will be enjoyable for both of you, because I promise you, if he has a reaction or something that is unprecedented from you in like a negative side, you will be like, why did we have sex tonight?

Like it will ruin the whole fucking mood and like, you know, getting blood somewhere and going, oh, oops. But like literally we got to the point where Mons would be like, oh, not a lot of blood or like a lot of blood. And it was not a big deal. But I think that you really need to make sure that you're both on the same page with it because there's a way larger emotional aspect and shame aspect, which there shouldn't be. But there will be attached to that to you, where you're both allowed to be kind of icked out at the idea of it, but for different reasons, like, you know, like, I but and I think like, that's something that you're allowed to work through the ick because it is your body. He needs to have worked through whatever feelings he has about it that have like held him off on wanting to do that before you are doing it. Because that will ruin absolutely ruin your experience.

I've had friends who've done that and like it's ends in tears like it's just yeah it makes you feel really really really bad about your body doing a very natural thing but yeah lay down if you're at a hotel if you're at a hotel uh I hope it's on someone else's card because I you're gonna have to incidental yeah you're gonna have to try like you're not it's not gonna be a guarantee so it you needs to be I think the flex discs you need that regardless i think discs i disc i'm keep saying dicks disc it's a hard word the sc combo together always trips me up i think you need to do that first off i would still also also practice with them before that's what i was gonna say i would practice before i'm sure they have stuff online

you want to make sure you're not using a kind of like lubrication insert because usually whenever period it's natural lubrication to insert i'm sure they have tutorials on how to do it to prepare before your period if you want to do it. But make sure you're using what they say to use because some things can break down certain kinds of silicone or whatever. Do that. Bring a fitted,

specifically a fitted waterproof. And you can also do an allergy protection one. Like that's very common. Same. Anything that wicks things to go over and then dark towels and like clear the bed off for that. There you go.

You could also try having sex in the shower if you've got a shower chair. Don't have sex in a hot tub. Don't have sex in a pool. you could have sex in the bathtub i guess but that sounds so painful and like angular unless there's water there yeah but it needs to be the right amount of water because i know it's got a surfboard yeah surfboard yeah it just needs to go like cover depending on what position if he's sitting down then like it just needs to cover his waist and that's it yeah but you don't want to be

but then the water is going to be blood yeah so that's another thing to think about I think and then like go straight into the shower or like clean up and then go straight into shower I you know bring extra laundry bags for that stuff and if you're not at a hotel spray it down with like stain blood stain stuff like immediately after or soak it or whatever and then toss it and don't toss it in hot. But like, you know, do the laundry as you would with anything else. But I also wouldn't put that much pressure on you

because, you know, wearing a new form of like period protection on your wedding day might add a lot of anxiety to you. And like there is user error and all of that stuff. So I think just overly communicate and then also know that like you can also pretend you had sex on your wedding night.

You don't actually have to. that's what i'm saying like you don't you probably think everyone like it's not as big of a thing as it seems yeah and like what day of your period are you gonna be on because like if it's like the first couple days for me i'm like don't fucking touch me it's the second day of a period that's the worst day for me and then for me like fourth fifth day horny as hell exactly that's the only time but i'm like day two god no so i don't know i would focus more on like enjoying your wedding with having your period,

like making sure you have like Advil or whatever things you need. And then the sex as like a secondary thing. Because again, if you're going on a honeymoon, that's usually when people

are having a lot of sex. And like the wedding night sex, like Melissa said, it's to consummate the marriage. But then also the social aspect of it that's kind of gone away from

that has been people depicted in movies and TV leaving for their honeymoon that night. And so then you go on this whole extravagant thing. So, you know,

sometimes... Aunt Flo Happens, uninvited wedding guest. Welcome. But for other brides, if you're on birth control, you can talk to your gynecologist about like timing when you want to get your period. No, I know. But for other brides thinking it, this is like, oh shit.

You can do that to time ahead of it. Someone asked one of the girls on Love Island, like what do girls do at their periods? And she's like, they don't get them. They just took extra birth control. And they're like, what? I was like, yeah, severely inconvenient to have your period in Fiji in a villa where there is two bathrooms and like 20 people

so love birth control but good luck and um in the least graphic way possible let us know how it goes and I don't say that because I'm like the body is whatever but like a that's your privacy and b I do have some period trauma and she also asked like other people to write in too don't blame me specifically so she she wants to have a a dialogue here let's have a conversation about bloody sex all right next one megan and melissa there's an exclamation mark i have a bit of an embarrassing question i am wondering how do i go about telling a guy i'm hooking up with i have real feelings for him we started out as casual fuck buddies about a year ago over that time we've become like best friends we hang out outside of the bedroom and have even

developed mutual friends so now i've realized i'm basically falling in love with him and i have no clue how to act what to even say or even do i feel like i have to tell him but i'm afraid he won't reciprocate and it will mess up our whole dynamic please tell me what to do i've been going over this in my head for about a month oh i'm 24 she her i would read this fanfic so fucking fast i would agree like the first time we've had this question either no it happens it's low-key kind of inevitable on one side or the other what was the one that we had not that it wasn't that long ago i think she was like we tell each other we love each other but we're not in a relationship you're like that's your man get your fucking man that is your husband he that is your betrothed

yeah that was funny wonder where they are i mean in the gentlest way possible as someone who is also like you know my first boyfriend was a friend who my friend one of my other best friends realized i fell in love with before i did and i was like so worried about ruining the friendship and she was like, what friendship? Like you're in love with him. Like it's already ruined. So I would have taken that kind of worry off the table because as subtle as what we think we are,

when someone develops feelings, it fundamentally changes that dynamic. And so it's not something that can be avoided by avoiding the conversation because like it will come out one way or the other. And you just have to decide why, like why do you think he would not have feelings for you and would you prefer and would it be easier for you to get over this if he told you he didn't have feelings for you or would it be

easier for you to take a step back from the relationship and what it is right now to get over those feelings and then maybe pursue a friendship later down the road but like regardless like you're at you're at a fork in the road like you have to make a call and a decision but my advice for this is always to just tell the person without asking them how they feel and just being like i want to let you know that like i've had you know a great time and like this has been like really fun um and i really did not expect this and i'm not looking for you to say anything i just need to get this off my chest i have developed like feelings that are more than friends for you. And that's something that like, we didn't talk about. And that was like not in

the cards or planned for this. And so I want to take a step back from this friendship because I can't be a friend right now. And I've realized I haven't really been being a friend. I've had a crush. And so I want to be able to be a friend. So I need to, I need to take a pause so I can actually do that. Because anyone who does have feelings for you, it'll be that movie moment they go, stop. I'm so glad you said something. I've been feeling the same way. Like, there's no saying that is not like shutting the door to make it so he can't say anything back. But it really, I think, preserves your friendship in a much better way than being like, hey, I like you. And I'm curious if you're interested in me too. Because then you're, there is a 50-50

chance that that person is going to be like, I do like you too. And then the other is that they have to then carry the weight of what they think is disappointing you because they think you think that they have those feelings and that's an uncomfortable conversation but I don't think you should be worried because like I don't know every time I've had a friends with benefits situation like I think we all know that this could happen you know yeah I especially now that y'all have merged your friend groups too this might be your boyfriend yeah like do y'all also just like hang out with just the two of you and not have sex too either way y'all have moved past just being friends with benefits because like just having it would be different if y'all

already like you were already friends in the same friend group and then started having sex like i can understand whatever no y'all have invited people to mutually hang out with the both of you there's more to this than just fuck buddies at this point i also think that he probably has feelings for you as well it's also better to know now because like what are you going to do just keep having one-sided emotion sex with him yeah no you're just hard look at this now meet my girlfriend and it's like yeah like your heart is gonna get ripped out of your chest if you don't say something sooner or in the benefits part of your friendship yeah and i think if he doesn't have feelings for you you have my permission to feel misled and to feel annoyed by him because

i think whether you've only just realized that you've had feelings for him the merging of the friend groups like Melissa said indicates feelings that indicates that and so you know whoever is doing that whoever's like leading that is that is a more than friends gesture and whoever's reciprocating that is a more than friends gesture so there were no boundaries kind of put up and I wouldn't fault I don't fault someone who realizes they have feelings and therefore the line of boundaries becomes very fuzzy versus someone who knows that they don't have feelings and still participates in that. I don't think that's fair or cool. And I do think that that is despite... When you change the parameters of the mutually agreed upon relationship, and you change the

contents of it without changing the name of it, I don't think that... Oh, well, we said we're just friends with benefits. I don't think that that's kind of like a get out of jail free card. I still think that is misleading. So I think either way, you will feel so much better. And either way, it will get better because as soon as you start to have feelings for somebody, they take up that little box in your brain. And so you don't look for that in other people. The time and the energy you spend flirting or just messaging, you don't have that desire to have that connection with anyone else or to make those connections because you already have that and that is unless there is a relationship established or that will inevitably be fleeting and it will hinder you because you're

not going to pursue other things at the same time so it's i think it's kind of like a shit or get off the pot i hate that phrase but like that's kind of what it is where it's like you either the relationship needs to change or the title of this relationship needs to change because right now you're playing house you're merging your lives together without that mutually agreed upon definition of what it is and that will lead to more hurt i think than hearing him say that maybe he doesn't have those feelings back for you best of luck best of luck and that's the end of the show we hope you all enjoyed if you did you can always leave us a review on the podcast app you can also leave a review for an individual episode on spotify you can join our patreon to watch the

video versions of this podcast as well as our other podcast and you can also hear ad-free episodes of all of our podcasts and what all those podcasts are we have don't blame me which is this one so you can listen to this every thursday and we also have our fisting friday which is catching up getting to know us spending time with us some cutie quality time we talk about so many random of things lots of fun wonderful fantastic on monday we have but am i wrong where we tell people when they are wrong and then there's a whole voting element to it it's wonderful it's fun and then on tuesday our episode of see you next tuesday you can hear the results from last week's episode and all of the listeners thoughts and feelings that we read aloud i might have done

any of that wrong that's fine i think you're right i just want to give a shout out to some of our members newest members zara cj soli sorry if i said that incorrectly regina truth hayley what's up y'all thanks for being here i love those names yeah it could be a pop group right yeah i love that so if you join our patreon you can like we said video versions of the podcast ad for you could also just support the show but we also do live streams twice a month they're very fun if you're looking for new friends you're moving to a new city you're going through a friendship breakup a regular breakup or you also have just come into a large sum of money uh it doesn't cost you a large sum of money but like if you come into a large sum of money i like really

hope you like toss us a couple bucks every month and it helps the show do you want to support women in stem yeah you want to support women-owned small businesses you want to support women in the arts yeah there you go well we'll see you tomorrow for 15th Friday goodbye don't blame me is a production by me Megan Rinks and me Melissa D. Montz plus Diamond Imprint Productions post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz production assistance by Melanie D. Watson and music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter