Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Boyfriend Is Too Vanilla

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Audiobook recommendations Delayed engagement Craving something more out of your sexual relationship Dating the brother of the guy who you took their virginity Buy Our Merch https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - [e-mail] (300 words or less) Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hi hey hello welcome to a brand new episode don't blame me the podcast where we give you wonderful amazing life changing in the eyes and scene watch the video version on patreon you can see how beautiful we are you can see how wide our open our eyes are as always we're a little sleepy today but we're powering through and we're always sleepy i don't know why you're making this seem like this is a new revelation we're always sleepy i like passed the fuck out on the couch for like two hours and mox was like you were conked out and then by the time i woke i like like 10 oops well anyways we're gonna give you some advice this is the podcast where we do that we give advice for megan and melissa there are many ways that you can call to the podcast you

can leave a voice memo you can literally leave a voicemail or you can also send us a written email or in our dms so for all of those you'd be asian or bover have your parents permission i don't think i said above right 18 or above and have your parents permission i know i sounded canadian and after we've been talking about drake i can't i don't want anyone to mistake me for being canadian because so sorry canadians like my first thing is like i wonder if they like drake say drake and can i so many people are saying he said hey drake on tiktok it's say drake i don't know where y'all got hey from say drake because it's supposed to be like say drake not hey drake i think he enunciated even more in this he did then he didn't record in the recorded version i think i might have

i probably a couple times i've heard it would have been like yeah he said hey drake like to I understand that more. But in the, as soon as the live performance, I, for me, I was like confirmation that it's Cedric because it was Cedric. Yeah, Cedric. Cedric, giddy, sparkle, a twinkle in his eye. So you have to be 18 or over

or have your parents' permission. We do ask that you include your age regardless if you're 18 or over. We want to know your exact age because it does affect the advice that we give because we're all in different stages of our life and we have different expectations of you. So, like, if you're 22,

we might give you a little more chaotic advice because you're 22. Yeah. We'll tell you it's chaotic, though. We won't, like, lead you astray and be like, this is really, like, sound, mature adult advice. No, no, no, no, no. No, we're realistic.

22 is time to have fun. Exactly. So, you have to keep it under 300 words if you are doing a written version. Under three minutes, if you are doing a voice memo or a voicemail, we ask that you, for those ones, write everything down, practice a few times,

make sure it's under three minutes, and then just, like, read it out loud. you don't have to do it like off the top of the dome and uh just know for all of it we can only go off of what you give us we don't do like additional like oh let me call back or like let me send an additional email we just do the we just do the one and we want to give you the best advice possible so please give us all relevant details and simplicity too you can use the form there's a link in our um bio i know some people are getting angry with the things that i'm posting you guys can really tell when melissa's posting something and then when i'm posting something

and i'm doing it on purpose and i love it somebody last night said melissa i know this is you stop and i just responded thanks for the engagement moi and gave a little kissy lips nobody thinks it's me and i love that like people you know people have said before when they were mad when they're leaving our community and they're mostly mad because they did something fucking crazy and we said that was fucking crazy that they're like oh my god they agree on like every like you know to agree on everything they're it's just they're too similar we're not we're not we're not that we do agree we're very similar in certain ways our our social media footprint you will always know when it's me behind that and you will always notice melissa and if you go that's a little

odd i just want to say more people are writing in no you're you're you're wonderful with that using it for the purpose of rage baiting but yeah to help us well it's the same way that like that time i made that post about like kind of wish i had a lobotomy and people were like megan this is really offensive i'm like how'd you know this is me it was me yep and i was like okay my goal i didn't say i wasn't i didn't say i wasn't trying to offend you so sorry i missed it all i didn't even see it i deleted it because everyone got so mad i know okay fine that's what i'm saying it happened that fast yeah but then other people messaged me and said it's okay i get it who's other people mary i'm not putting that on mary i do think mary did message me but i'm not putting

that on mary okay i'm not saying it was 100 we all have different senses of humor like melissa hates that one video of the duck it's not i hate that fucking duck i love it i could watch it every day i can watch that every day and i can watch the person impersonating um patrick mahomes well i can watch see and that's where we align here we go we we convert this part this is megan i'm so small compared to you okay anyway i was really just trying to show the white part of my hand yeah perfect i got it so um i don't think i've received the phone number it's 310-694-0976 and the email is meganpodcast at gmail.com and the form is in our bio anyway shall we get into the first one oh before we do this someone said on our spotify which you can go leave comments

on individual episodes someone said megan you can send in tabs on vital farms eggs and get a hat what the fuck is a tab we were talking about i don't know how it came pagers we were talking about pagers i don't know why we were talking about pagers but i was talking about how i use the the tops from the mountain dew boxes to get a pager and then you said that you wanted to participate and maybe you could find like some cereal tops to get something or something like that and then this person said i can spend 14 14 on eggs to do it and i feel like they're the vital farms are probably more than that 35 yeah did you see that truck that overturned and so many eggs cracked and i was like that is 10 million dollars worth of eggs so satisfying though

moth like loves which is not good obviously food waste but there are times when we like haven't eaten as many eggs as like we had anticipated especially for like baked goods um and then it gets pushed in the back and then we're like oh shit this is like six months old eggs and he like loves standing far back from the sink and just tossing like pretending he's playing basketball and like having them go straight down he doesn't do that anymore because you don't have a garbage disposal but we did have a garbage disposal he loved it and see i knew you didn't have a garbage disposal and i was like that is disgusting that's why i've never do it now and i was like what are you allowing over in your home i would kick him i would be so little with him if he did

that and you're also talking about a time when eggs cost three dollars yeah all right shall we get into the first one let's do it hi queens i am 22 i use she they pronouns and i don't know if I'm calling in for advice or more so recommendations. So I signed up for Audible like a year ago for school because I was in some literature classes and I wanted the audiobooks and then I never canceled it. And I'm trying to stop supporting corporations entirely and support local. And this is like the only time I've used Amazon almost entirely in this past year. And so I need to cancel it, but I want to use up the credits that I have. I have 12 credits that I want to use up before I cancel it.

And I just, I don't, that's an overwhelming decision. I don't know if, Melissa, if you have directed any really good audiobooks. I read pretty much anything, mostly, like, character-based fiction, a little bit of romance, a tiny bit of fantasy. but like I will really listen or read to anything non-fiction fiction I'm kind of down for whatever generally nothing like I don't know it's not visual but like not gory but like any like painful things but you know sex is fine anything else I just really want to use these credits so that I don't waste the $15 that I spent every month this year and I desperately want to stop sending about spending that 15 bucks so thank you very much cool my book is wonderful on there without

a doubt i would also say like i know you see you want to support like shop local you can also get audiobooks from the library just as a libby yeah it's the app i think most will have great recommendations based on like maybe specific ones for me i would say i i hear that you you said that you like you like fiction all that stuff i don't love listening to audiobooks of books i have never read before that are fiction. Like for me, like a fiction audio book is like a comfort thing. Like I'm listening to it on repeat. I, uh, this will be very, this will make a lot of sense as a child. I think it wasn't until late middle school and actually probably freshman year of high school when I did not use or regularly use actually late by mid high school was when I stopped using an

audio book to fall asleep at my own house every night. And it wasn't until middle school that I was like okay i'm meeting like new kids because like i went to like weird elementary school so like my friends knew my quirks if they slept over at my house they said we're listening to wolf story by william mccleary to fall asleep okay and i got to middle school i was like okay i can't have like this new friend over and like play this i couldn't tell you what this this end of the book is like i don't think i've ever stayed awake for the entirety of it i got it from like a family member when i was like a really really little and i loved it but i personally think that the most like bang for your buck if you are and you said you're already like a reader like

you read a lot of fiction books whatever i would take it as an opportunity like things that you might not normally read that you would you would actually instead listen to so i think books written by i think non-fiction for me is like the big draw whether that's like comedians michelle obama's book i think is a great one that i've i think i did i don't even think i finished that but i was i did i was like hooked on it i yeah i started on a plane and i did too oh my should i start on the plane back and for me if i listen to the plane back i gotta do it the way there because then i keep doing it the entire time i'm there and on the way home so i think hers is a really great one for that and again in general comedians there's some audiobooks that comedians

have written that like i'm enjoying it from an audio perspective but like i know that i would not have enjoyed it in the written format nearly as much I think Amy Poehler's is really good as far as like non-fiction and a comedian because not only is she hilarious but she also brings in other people that she's talking about in the book to read their parts or like in the actual book she's like imagine this in the voice of blah blah blah and then in the audio book she brings them in I think that's one of my favorite yeah so I think that like there's some comedians I thought were awful and I won't even go into them, but there are people that I, I love their actual standup. And then I was like this, why are you doing this? Yeah. I will say I definitely got

a little too comfy after Amy's and I was like, I think this next one's going to be great. And I said, not for me. Some of the ones that I've directed that I really enjoy. I'm looking at my website right now and I'm trying to see, cause I have like done a lot of kids books too. So I don't want to give you one all right so these are the ones house party is a novel that is about like the last party at a high school and everybody is telling the story from different perspectives so i thought that one was fun because you're not going to get the um in the audiobook there's somebody reading a different person reading each chapter that's nice and so you're not going to get that from the actual book. Never Coming Home is about these influencers that are on an island

and then they all start dying. It's not gory, but they all start dying. And it's like uncovering the mystery behind that. Society of Lies, that one is funny. Not funny. It's actually not funny at all. It's told from two different perspectives. So this is going to, you're going to get two different narrators um about a murder that happened while they were while the oldest sister was in school and then the younger sister is figuring out what happened so you're on the journey with them throughout and it's told from both of their different perspectives that one's really cool um and that was on um reese's book club pick the pharaohs that was on obama's list take with that what you will uh then this cursed house is the one that i'm absolutely obsessed with

um it's about this it takes place in the 1950s and is about this black woman that goes to new orleans because she gets like a job offer then and then she's in this cursed house and you feel like and then you find out she actually has a connection to the house it's wild and it's so good highly recommend yeah melissa gave me like a little synopsis when she was working on it before it was out and like it's been on my like to-do list to be like i have to read like it sounds so good save the date is allison's book that comes out next month it's pretty good if i always think that we all need financial advice and i recommend the money school by nicole leppin um she's really cool she's like around our age and gives money advice and she

her um house actually burned down during the fires and uh she's been giving great advice that's really hopeful yeah she's getting all the information i mean even if your house didn't um burn down or anything but um the book itself is just giving great financial advice oh and then there's also briefly perfectly human which was written by a deaf doula so she goes when somebody's dying she helps the family and the person transition but just her story within that was really good and if you like little women then greater nothing is a good one and that was also told by um it's like it's kind of like a fan fiction based on little women wow um and so and it was written by four best friends and they each wrote their own chapter and then also narrated the

chapters so it's really fun so those are my recommendations the last one i'll say that i've directed anything that like um is like childhood nostalgia for you like that's another good one for that and then i would also just there's certain actors you like or whatever like just like look up to see who narrated what like i know people love britney spears's audiobook because she had um oh i'm about to pull a barbara what's her name what's her name i forgot who narrated it's it's the blonde woman with the short hair okay michelle williams michelle williams okay the greatest book audiobook of all time i believe is in my opinion is mariah carey's because she is giving all the tea about her life leaving nothing unturned but she's also singing during the book

and like when she gets to a part about creating the whatever the song is or writing the song she's singing like her process throughout that she should have directed rocket man no i liked that one she should have directed what's the queen one the queen movie where they kept using the final they were like we're writing don't stop believe him and they just included like quite literally the final version of it that i'm like this is not that there are instruments that we're hearing that are not here in this jam session so i love that sounds that sounds really good yeah that's great yeah i would intentionally go out of your way to pick things that are that are like melissa recommended ones of like you know this person narrates this and so this is

really cool with that like focus on what makes an audiobook a different experience than any other book and then just know that you know you'll still be able to listen to audiobooks after this yep all right we're going to take a break when we get back we'll get into some more and we're back this time for the next my 25 male oh sorry my boyfriend 29 male and i 24 female have been together for two and a half years with the first two years being long distance and we've discussed being married since we were friends that were just denying our feelings the talks have gotten more serious over the years with us even going to look at rings together before the holidays we've been living together for the past six months and currently have one other roommate

as I just moved out here for work. He said that he did not want to get engaged while we had a roommate, and I agreed since we were planning to get our own place in October when the lease was up at our current place. However, the timeline has seemed to be pushed where we would buy a house at the beginning of 2026

and then get engaged afterwards. We had already previously talked about a possible wedding date in 2026 because our anniversary fell on a Saturday, Saturday? Our anniversary fell on a Saturday that year, but pushing the engagement back would mean pushing the wedding back too,

especially since we would be paying for it ourselves. I did bring up to him that I was disappointed with this, especially because it seemed that the decision wasn't really made with me in mind or kept in the loop. He thinks that I'm just comparing myself to all of our friends because everyone who's in a relationship in our friend group is either engaged or married.

But I think of it rather as we've been together long enough to know if this is something that he sees with me. I refuse to stay in a relationship that doesn't have a future, but he swears that he sees one. I'm a bit sensitive, but please also tell me what I need to hear.

i don't see why any of this is in factor in y'all getting engaged i don't see why having a roommate would matter when you already live together like why you can't get engaged i like none of this makes sense to me no i this isn't a massive age gap but it's not nothing and i think if you lived in la and and i say this like i'm not going to make oh la is so different but like just to give you some perspective if you lived in la and you were like 24 being like where's the ring that would be crazy and if you were dating a 29 year old that 29 year old would have sought out to be dating someone who is 24 because that you would even be farther away from wanting an engagement than other people so i think like for me it's not like oh you have so much time you can

do whatever but like it you said all of your friends are engaged or married and you're 24 so I'm assuming your friends around your age that was not the case for me here so like the idea that you're rushing into this or like you just want it because all your friends want it to me I think is like ridiculous like that's not a real it's not like really a it's not a real thing in that sense like you can want it because that's where your life is at and you're allowed to also not want it because your life isn't there yet but like just because your friends him saying like well your friends are like you just want it because they're there and it's like well no I thought we were there like and I'm peers with my friends I'm not friends with people who are like 18

and not at that space in their life like we're all kind of at that place in our life and like you i thought you were too and seemingly you were i don't think like his stipulations are out of pocket but like that's would have been like an agreement thing like i think if both of you were like yeah we don't really i don't want to get engaged we have a roommate like that's fine like there are some things that like i like arbitrary kind of like my like markers that we put like i don't want this until this that's i don't know if you like i have adhd that's like a very big ADHD thing like I can't do this until I do this it's just like a system that I do in my head and we definitely did that well we were engaged where I was like I don't want to I don't want to

what we said is I don't want to be married and come back to our last place I want to be when I when we are married when we come home after getting married I want to be in a house that we I want to be in whether a house that we own or like somewhere new because that's just what we want it like it like defines it was your place not the place that you lived and then he moved into yes and like there are these markers and like does that really mean anything no but like we both liked that idea and so we agreed on that so i think like there there are like levels of like what's cool but like what's not cool point blank regardless if i think it's like a rational thought process is making that decision without you being in the loop at all because like it's a joint

decision unless he's just throwing you off because he already has a ring and he's already planning this all this stuff just seems like an excuse that he's making um because you already like had discussed when you wanted to get married and now he's like uh never mind and like all it just i don't unless he already has the ring it seems like he's changed his mind yeah i i agree with I also I really don't like when guys go too far in the throwing you off the scent that's like having lots of friends and I literally was like dude and I'm like was friends with his now wife and I was like you have to like she thinks you're gonna break up with her like you need to know you're ruining the weekend for all of us I'm just I'm talking to her talking her down knowing that

you're fucking proposing in two days and she thinks you're going to break up like you have to you have to chill the fuck out a little bit she has no idea it's coming if you're nice to her now she's just gonna think maybe he won't break up with me today like so I think that like if all of your this is my thing if all of your friends are married engaged at 24 what do his friends look like yeah if his friends are all single at 29 or none of his friends are single at 29 and it's just him this to me sounds like he might have assumed that dating someone younger would slow down the growing up process that he might not be ready for I also do think it was long distance yeah there's much less pressure yeah and as somebody who is engaged and who has bought a

house i not that anyone's asking i personally think the correct timeline is get engaged you get married after that right after but i do think that you should have that before you buy a property together engaged at bare minimum or married but i don't think that buying a house and then waiting to get engaged also just because buying a house is really expensive it's illegal you now have a legally binding thing together without the promise of i mean you can break up totally time but like at least with the engagement you can there's like some reassurance there and even from like a frivolous point of view you're not going to get as good of a ring if you buy it after you've bought a house because it puts things in financial perspective in a very different way i also

don't think a lot of people would have weddings that they do that they pay for themselves if they had bought property first and like that's a luxury because buying a house is more expensive than having a wedding but it does put everything else financially into perspective and like I think also if Mons and I hadn't bought the house we also probably would have gotten married earlier because like it would have been a higher priority but like buying a house just so much comes along with that that i think it can make people either really busy or really complacent and i think this is important to you so i would put my foot down and be like i'm not i'm not comfortable getting engaged until i mean i'm not comfortable getting married getting a house until we're engaged yeah

and also you don't know how hard it is to gonna be to buy a house like a timeline of like we want to buy a house in this calendar year okay so did we and like we so narrowly made it like we were we've got this house and we were the second option and it happened while we were on recording this podcast that I got the call for months. But like we had a week left before we were going to have to stop looking and get a new loan estimate or whatever it is that like it expires after a certain period of time. And then we have to wait to like a whole the next year to do that. Like it just you that is like so not a concrete time frame. And I do find that people take you more seriously when you're buying a house with a partner if you have a ring. So yeah, I it seems

like you're gauging how he feels and then responding accordingly as opposed to just setting him down and being like here's what I'm gonna do and here's what's cool with me is that cool with you yes or no and I think not being direct at this point and like having any sort of like reservations and holding back about like being super forthcoming with your thoughts and your feelings about this I think are indicative of the fact that you might be ready to get married he might not be the right guy yeah you should feel this comfortable and i can understand if he would have been like come forth and been like hey and this might be his thought process but he's not vocalizing it to you but like hey um we've been long distance for so long now we're living

together in the same city let's like just take a beat to see how we adjust to being in the same city and then discuss like marriage because like you've just been living in the same place for six months yeah objectively i i and like i say this with love like objectively i think you have i don't think it's you've been together long enough to know that you're ready to get married and i also think two and a half years even if you live together for two and a half years two and a half years at 24 deeply different at two and a half years at 29 so you being in the position of being ready and him not is a little bit concerning to me because I think the older you get the quicker you know the more you're ready and it's okay if he's not ready but I think like the I if he had

written in and was like I don't feel like this timeline like I would like I do think a two and a half year timeline long distance like I think this is way too soon to get married too soon yeah so I agree with that objectively but you sound like you know what you want and you sound like you know, you're ready. So I'm not going to tell you you're not ready to get married. It's just that like, I don't think he is. And the fact that you're having a hard time being super transparent with him or like verbalizing or vocalizing exactly how you feel in the moment. And he's kind of taking the lead to me is like, you are dating, you are dating an older guy who you thought would have his life together a little bit more. And that does not always what dating

someone a couple years older than you means he might be taking charge but not in a maturity way good luck let us know how it goes yeah and i'm sorry i hope this wasn't harsh at all like you know i understand people have different timelines especially like when they're from different places and all of that but if you're this ready at 24 i was not this ready at 24 i think there's probably another 24 year old who's just as ready as you but i think at 29 year olds yeah i mean my sisters both got married young and they're with their husbands still to this day so like I understand but um and we're from Arkansas and a lot of people there get married around the same age so completely understandable but I just think with the it's the added in with being long distance

for two and a half years and you've only lived in the same place for six months it just might be a little too much yeah like i think both of your feelings are totally valid and i can like see exactly where you're coming like where each of you is coming from and i probably align more with him on like my preferred timeline of stuff but like i just don't think his justifications are no that's what i'm saying and like i don't think like my desired timeline doesn't mean it's the timeline then like then i need to be with someone who's on the same timeline as as me and i can't lead mislead someone into thinking that this is the same timeline and i think like if there's any sort of hesitation i'm always really quick to say like you like take that as an answer

that hesitation because especially like i don't know if you want to have kids down the road or even like just pets or again even a house you have to be able to communicate so well and like divide responsibilities up and all that and and not have to dance around subjects to try and like yeah motivate someone now i'm thinking the roommate thing because at first i was like that doesn't make any sense but now i'm thinking it might be we need to see how we live with just the two of us to to being able to accurately determine if this is the next step that's a good point already talked about like this is what we're doing it throws you off again i don't think maybe and i'm putting things in this might not be his actual thinking process but that might be what it

is is like we need to see how we live together in the same place maybe as long as we've been together in a relationship and without a roommate like who are we together in one place that's it because I didn't think about it Matt for me I understand like without even explanation of being like yeah we have a roommate and it's like kind of weird vibes coming home and then be like we're engaged and we have a roommate it's like that part I get but like if thinking into it deeper of a roommate it's not just about coming home and you're engaged with the roommate and the optics of it it's like no our relationship is slightly different when we have a roommate that's a good point he he might not be explaining the meaning behind it and thinking that there's an explanation

in itself but yeah who knows but i hope everything every not even a hope like everything if you can be honest with yourself and like make the decisions that might not be like the making decisions for the future you not just present day you i've always that never like leads me astray when i'm like trying to decide what to do like future me i'm if i think about future me future me is like always very grateful if like that was the right call and it might be uncomfortable in the moment whether that's just communicating or you know whatever that is but if it's not him it's somebody else yep all right next one hi guys i'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 we've been together 18 months and he's the person i want to spend my life with okay we have amazing sex but it is more vanilla

than i've had in the past or our main stop talking i'm just trying to just try to mess you up sorry i was having fun our main difference in sexual history is that my boyfriend has had more sexual partners but most of them were one night stands while i've had more long-term sexual partners Basically, although he's had more quantity, I've had more quality and the ability to build the trust that is required to do kinky stuff safely. I can't help but feel almost two years into having sex with him that I'm craving something more. We've used handcuffs and some toys and introduced dirty talk, and he's been into that, but

anytime I suggest the next level up from basic kink, he kind of freaks out. He had never done anything remotely kinky before me, not even smacking an ass or disrespectfully talking dirty. I think a big factor in his reservation to move on to anything more is that we've been open about our past and he knows that I was in sexual relationships as a sub. I realized there were aspects of that dynamic as well as some kinky measurements, kinky instruments that I enjoy. I don't ever want to be in that exact dynamic again or do anything as intense as some things

I was involved in but I guess it makes him uncomfortable that if I'm bringing it up it's because it's based on a past intimate experience he'll ask me do I want to know why you're suggesting this and I don't really know how to respond because no he probably doesn't want to know help with navigating this would be greatly appreciated thank you you should like that with that person from but am i wrong that wants to take her uh husband to an educational sex dungeon i think when he asked the reason like what do i want to know why i think is because i enjoy it i think that's the why it doesn't have to be like i was in this previous relationship with this person and they did this and blah blah blah it's like i i think that it would feel good if you and

i did this together and the he feels like he is um not securing your relationship yeah i to me him even asking the question is like the biggest ick i think it's very sweet that you say you see him as like your person this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with but you are 22 and it's been 18 months sexual compatibility is like a huge thing and you're saying the only issue is sexual compatibility but like what you described to me is that he's deeply insecure that's not sexual incompatibility that's another issue is that he's deeply insecure which will manifest itself in other ways if it hasn't already but the fact that like you haven't put that through line there in this and that like you kind of know to avoid the landmines of past relationships

tips to me it's like you're this is i wish i could give you tips i don't think there are any like i think that like this is an unfinished man like he's not he's a work in progress in that point and like if he doesn't see anything wrong with this and like he's still feeling like you know whether it's like jealous or inadequate or whatever if he's making that your problem at all and you have to like cater that to him then i think like you know say what you want to say but like know that you're gonna have to kind of work through the sticky stuff of like jealousy or insecurity and I think that like I'm not like saying that you he's not your person and like whatever but like as somebody who and like I love Motts so much he's the best we are the happiest

we have ever been but we got together when I was 22 and I'm way older now we've been together for a really long time and when people I was the other day I said I was 32 and Mott's was like what and I like googled it thank god I can google my age not 32 thought I was you will be this year right I think so you're born in 93 yeah yeah okay but I will say that like I have I have friends who have gotten together with people way after Mott's and I were dating and if you want to be with someone when you're 22 and that's the person you want to be with for the rest of your life you're gonna have to be 22 together you're gonna have to get through being 22 you're gonna have to get through all these things and like there's a lot of growing that you're gonna have to do as

an individual and that your partner will have to do as an individual that then simultaneously has to have your relationship grow you're not gonna get you're gonna get a work in progress and like because you are also still a work in progress so i think if you have the patience and like the want to do that but I think if you're afraid to like confront any issues or be like honest or transparent or whatever I think that's the only reason why sometimes relationships work out when people are really young because you kind of don't have much as much of a filter like you can be a little bit more blunt and like maybe even a little more rude and like straightforward and like I definitely had one of the things I've worked on is like my tone on saying things and like

There is just you have he has to want to fix him, fix his own issues. You have to fix your issues and then you have to be wanting and then you both have to be willing to work on fixing your ones that you have together. But you can't make someone else care if they don't care to fix it. You can't fix it for someone else. and the only way relationships work forever when you are this young is when you both are willing and able to put that work in to your individual selves as well as the relationship. So if you're hiding away from bringing this up, to me, that's like an automatic no-go.

You have to bring it up. You have to always bring it up. You'd be consistent in bringing it up and you can't bring it up in a way that is like coddling around his feelings because feelings of inadequacy and that, like, you don't ignore those away. Those have to be addressed and faced,

especially if they're affecting your relationship. If sex is important to you, then sex is important to you. So therefore, your relationship outside of the bedroom and inside of the bedroom should both be fulfilling. And if they're not, then that's not the person that you should want to spend the rest of your life with. I welcome any and everything

that past sexual partners have brought to the table because it's going to make my fucking life better and easier. And if he can't adapt to that thing, that means that y'all aren't, one, he's insecure. And let's say he was very secure in who he was and he wasn't asking, but he was like, you know what, I'm just not into this, which it sounds like that might be the thing.

Then that means that you two aren't sexually compatible. so then if you are a person that wants to be monogamous and you want to get everything that you need from one person in one situation then this isn't the person from you for you yeah and like 18 months is an awfully quick time to know that someone is your person with the caveat of being like sex is a big thing for me and this there is an issue with the sex though because that's it shouldn't be hard to work on that part then like your communication it should be so crystal clear it should be like so much of that and like i think it's like really archaic when men are upset about like people's past sexual history and i'm like by the way if we didn't

have past sexual history and if women didn't talk to each other about this all of you would be getting a lemon zester on your dick like there's a level of like you wouldn't enjoy that like do you think that like there's this like like this fucking stupid idea that men have that like women turn 18 hopefully it's not the fucking perverts and like suddenly know how to be like an absolute like virgin sex pot and like they're so hot and they learned all of this from nothing like it's just like and it's exclusively for them it will only ever be for them and like if they ever broke up or they died they would be celibate for the rest of time because they don't know how to do it without them and like it's so so silly and so so so stupid and I think

especially coming from a guy who's had a lot of one-night stands I find it a really big red flag when guys have had a lot of one-night stands and then have feelings about women who have had sex because then I'm like you had sex with a lot of different women who you weren't in a relationship with and you didn't take the time to learn exactly what they needed and wanted and now you're with somebody that is openly expressing what they want and you are judgmental about it and then how are you treating those women that you were having sex with so i have always said that like a guy who's gotten around and had some repeat customers will be the best guy to settle down with and be in bed with because like they've been taught they know things they've had like whatever and like sometimes

like long long long-term relationships like it just works out there's not a lot of that conversation but like a healthy mix of hookups like situationships friends with benefits or like whatever and i don't know if moss has ever even told this story so i won't like explicitly say but like when he was like a lot younger he had a girl who i think like he hooked up with who like her friend was into him and like him and this girl like they like hooked up and then it was whatever and she was like my friend's into you by the way if you are into her i need to teach you something because like it was i can make you i can make you a lot better at this so i can feel confident letting my friend hook up with you and knowing that you're not it's not gonna stop and like he

was like great thank you tell me everything like that should be the mentality and like i think when a man has sex with a woman and like she knows what she's doing and they're grossed out by that women also experience that where you have specifically heterosexual and you have sex with a man and for me like it's always like oh he knows what he's doing versus men they're like she really knows what she's she's doing and it's like oh so you view what you're doing is disrespectful to women so therefore other men have been disrespectful to this woman and therefore you think that she has like low standards and that just tells me a lot about how you view women all right let's take a break

we are back and it's time for the next hi megan and melissa i'm 28 she her and have been back on dating apps after ending my five-year relationship in september i matched with this guy jason he him and after talking for a while on the app he asked for my phone number and instagram when he requested to follow me on instagram i thought we had one mutual who happens to be one of my best friends who i met being a freshman year roommates in college let's call her katie she her of course when I see the connection, I immediately text Katie to ask about Jason. She told me that they went to high school together and that he is Ryan, he, him's older brother. Who is Ryan, you may ask? He's a guy who went to college with Katie and me and freshman year, I took his virginity. So to

clarify, I matched with Jason on the dating app and then found out I took his younger brother's virginity in college. Jason knows where I went to school and knows I'm in the same age as his brother, but has never once brought him up. Do I tell Jason about this? It was a one-time thing 10 years ago and tbh i forgot ryan even existed we aren't connected on social media or anything so if i were reintroduced to him it would be like meeting a stranger but i don't know how he would feel towards me i'm starting to really like jason so i don't know if this is something he should or shouldn't know please let me know your thoughts is it that this this that lindsey lohan movie they were engaged just came out they were engaged though okay that was that was major they had zero

chemistry it was lovely i love a movie where they go we're packaging this we don't need a chemistry read and then they get there and they go no chemistry but it works but they're both very charming people separately this is where i think it's a woman's right to play dumb yeah because if social media didn't exist you would never know that's the thing if it wasn't a mutual with your friend you would never know it weren't for them pesky kids so the only people that know right now are you and your friend and i think you and your this friend is a good friend then they will keep their fucking yappers shut if they wouldn't oh my god i have a moral obligation i'd be like i have a moral obligation to tell you shut the fuck up i have more more obligation to punch you in the

fucking face i'll make if you're not gonna shut up i'll make sure you shut up wire that josh up bitch um here's the thing if it's a deal breaker it's always gonna be a deal breaker for him whether he finds it finds out today or 10 years from now yes but i think if he finds out there's a chance that it's not a deal breaker but it would break the deal right now and so if that's if that's kind of where you are and you don't want to get so invested in this thing you should tell him now yeah yeah because it's not going to change the outcome like he's either going to be like he's either gonna be okay with it and then he'd be okay with it x amount of years from now but like because i think like the last possible time that you can tell him is when you like you

could leave this all you can play dumb and leave this all the way up until you meet his brother and then be like oh my god i just realized that and like i don't know how good of an actor you are or you can just pretend like you don't even remember him but the issue is is that you then both have to be on the same page because like i was gonna say that like being like you could literally pretend you don't even recognize him but if he recognizes you or if you even got like a little too comfy talking about college stories where it's like oh you guys went to college together like other people even if you genuinely did not recognize him and he genuinely didn't recognize you if if that is your fucking in-laws at a certain point like the pieces that it'll

match people will figure out you went to college at the same time and you both will be trying to place each other until he can remember he placed himself inside of your vagina like it's just and there it is inevitable at that point like it will come out at some point without a doubt so I don't think there's any you know me I'm I think women have the right to lie sometimes and I think like if you want to play dumb until you meet him and then be like hey I have to tell you something like I just realized I hope to be your brother like one time freshman year I think like I like I think it was freshman year but like I and you can even even downplay it more being like I like we made out I don't know if we did anything more than that like I really don't remember but

like I just realized that like if and I don't know if you've got sibling like a sister or something and be like and I just realized like if that had happened with my sister like I would want to like let you know like I literally forgot this happened you can do that that's not a lie totally you can do that level but I think like you have to know that even if that was earnest and you actually did forget there's a chance he could still be like I'm donezo or right now what you could do which I think is the smarter decision for like your your heart is to be like wait how do you know so-and-so and don't say you already know he's your his brother and just be like oh how do you know so-and-so oh that's my brother it's like oh lol and it's like why it's like I think we made

out one time in college like ha ha ha or just say I think we hooked up one time and called like it doesn't have to be a big a big ordeal and I think like if you if you have it be like a sit down like I have to confess something that makes it sound like it's a much bigger deal than it is but like it really depends on the guy like Mats has him there are so many friends in college or specific friends of his that like they're like variants of like similar types so like they have all besides like they're now like wives and long-term relationships they have like pretty coach all hooked up with like the same girls in college because like they're same they're this reason why they're very good these guys are very good friends and like they're the same kind of

type and that is like very normal for some guys and then for other guys it is like like that one call we had a wrote in about the making out a party and they were like devastated then there were people who were like they could never fucking do that and you can't really know until you know. And I think treating it like it's going to be a really big deal can make someone who doesn't think it's a big deal then go, maybe this is a big deal. Like, should I think it's a big deal? Also, the fact that he hasn't brought up his brother really in conversation is kind of weird to me. Like, are they not close? Get more details about their relationship with each other. I would pick. And then maybe when he brings up his brother. Also, is their last name something common

or not comment you don't even if you were to meet him in person today not knowing who he was would you remember who he was although you didn't tell us a really important factor is his brother weird like is his brother like i think she remembers anything but i just mean like so you went to college with him and you're not mutuals with him and he like you know i mean like you're not you don't follow each other on social media so like i don't know how big your college was but like do you think that you were the only person who he's ever had sex with like do you think that like did you break his heart was he pining after you or like was it like did you get incel weird whatever it is like was there something there that leads you to believe that

you had different you both had different expectations about that just know that i'm saying all i mean is that like whatever whatever that guy would describe your character as describe Ryan's character in your head if he is like a nice kind trustworthy person think of how Ryan would describe you to Jason and then make sure whatever choice you make aligns with that like and if you don't want to be described as like let's say like you know you were kind of a bitch in college or whatever then you need to do the decision that is to being the bigger person and not being a bitch now like I think ahead of that kind of stuff because like you can't create the narrative because there is someone there who can also have their side of a

story on grace and frankie this kind of happened their sons one of their the it was frankie's sons they started dating who the other brother lost their virginity to but they didn't know until like it was like a family dinner or something and he had like pined after this woman for so long but then come to find out they never actually had sex she he just kind of like rubbed up against her thigh and didn't realize it so it made things worse that's so bad there's a lot of guys walking around who think they've had sex with women who are like we didn't have sex yeah and if we did that was the smallest penis i've ever seen because i couldn't even feel it been there yeah this this is either not a big deal or it is a big deal i think yeah just get out get out ahead of it now

i think it's not even like oh i think we just made out or something be like hey so um my friend and i i was we were looking and we have mutual friends and so it was like we had one mutual and so i asked her who this was and she told me and i didn't even remember that i had had hooked up with your brother but i did and i just want to tell you that now yeah i don't remember him i don't depending on how much information you want to give out but just leaving it like that i just want you to have the information before we move forward yeah and like you said earlier the quicker you do it the more that the longer you wait the more you'll get invested so if it's going to be the end it's always going to be the end might as well be the end before you're super

super deep and like not to be like dark and weird about it though but like like melissa said do your due diligence on him first because like god forbid that like something horrible has happened with his brother like whatever it is and like it's not the actual like big subject to have a conversation about his brother isn't the fact that you had sex with him it's like there's something else that like i would i would do a little bit of back digging on that especially because if you went to college with him but you like don't follow him anywhere like i would just i would do a little bit of recon first because you don't you don't always know what that relationship is like and it could bring up things that are like more serious or more intense than yours all right we're gonna

take a break when we get back we'll get into but actually it's an update slash they need they still need advice okay we are back and it is time for the update and additional advice giving hey this is the girl who looks like fun um and yeah anyways i had called about my man and um i was saying how his family was racist now that was not enough context at all it's his sister-in-law but his sister-in-law wants to like run like the whole entire family um the context is that I am white you guys clocked me for using the phrase function from New Orleans um but other than that yeah he's black and most of his family members are as well and this person who wants

to run the family and they let her run the family that's what I don't like and I don't want to get which is why I kind of like trying to distance myself yeah no she called his mother that word and so that's where I'm hesitant you know what I'm saying like if they can forgive that's on them but I really don't and I think that's where I'm at with this one so anyways that's the context um he doesn't like it he doesn't like her but he cannot see his brother unless he sees this woman which means I cannot see his brother unless I see this woman and so then it's like a weird like do we cut the brother off which I would never ask him to do but that being said if it was me what am I gonna do you know so that's kind of where I was at thank you guys so much love you

so much that's the context sorry I gave none all right over and out my question again is and I asked this the last time and i still didn't get an answer here is is she saying it and it does change now that i know that it's not within the family that's saying it because it was different context now is is she saying it as homie i was just about to say or is she saying it in a derogatory way i personally am not somebody that's like white people there's some white people that get a pass and if she's using it as homey way and they see her as someone that gets a pass then at that point it's none of your business but if it's in a way where she's being derogatory then yeah I completely understand and I would be like I don't want to be around her because I just

don't want to be around her and he can he can he not be around his family without you there yeah i i i that part i understand where it's like well she's always there if he wants to see his brother and it's like that's fine you don't have to be there right i can understand too you being like the only other white person you're like i don't associate with that as a as a white that was my where my mind went to like as a white i would not feel comfortable associating as the only if that was the only other white person there especially because she would be the same to me as I would be to that family she's a sister-in-law I would be an in-law in that family and you get lumped together and like I would not I would I would really not feel cool with that because you

will be on the outskirts together and she will see like I see you in me my question is I think there's a third option of how she can be using this word I think she thinks she can be using it as homie and it's not being received that way and but I just don't understand how people in New Orleans wouldn't whoop her ass if that is how it's going down that's my question because I think like I think at this point if it was that like they have given her the pass I don't think you would feel this uncomfortable still I think like you'd be used to it you wouldn't agree with the fact but you also know that that's not your call to make and you're like even if they gave me the I'm not participating but I don't think you would have this like visceral aversion to seeing her and

being around her if you truly knew and thought that it was in all like it was all in good fun and everybody was feeling okay about it I think like you probably really still feel some type of way about it because there's a vibe or there's an energy or and you might also just not even like her as a person she like might just like be a bitch and therefore like for you hearing her say that and having people like you might think that the past was not and again not your place but like you might think like they might feel comfortable with her saying that just because like she's a lot to deal with and she's difficult and they would just rather just deal with whatever on this point of view of it that like you just might not like her so you might be like you might be thinking

people are trying to like appease her or whatever in that sense and i think if you really don't like her i think that this is a very valid reason to not like her i also think there are other reasons that are not this serious that you don't have to like her and you don't have to see her ever again. You don't have to justify. It doesn't have to be so bad that that's why you don't want to see.

You can also just like not like her. And the person that should be doing something about it should be your boyfriend talking to his brother about it. This is men's business. This is family business. This is not your business. I would just be really embarrassed like to let someone speak.

If I was like, he's like someone who's speaking to his mom like that. like I think that's like really insane and I think if they want to have kids I picture oh she's definitely using it saying it to her kids if they don't already have kids and you don't know what those kids are going to look like when they grow up you don't know whatever that is and also like you know I don't know what her side of the family is like because there is a specific type of white woman who exclusively dates black men who really want to say the n-word a lot of time their families hold very specific things in their political and moral mindset and that sometimes they can be really

used in that way and especially grandkids so you're allowed to feel uncomfortable with it totally i think like the solution to me here is that the same thing i said before like you do not have to hang out with her don't go there's nothing wrong it's not going but i think if you are worried that it's going to affect your relationship with his family foster individual relationships with his family like take his mom out for lunch like have a thing that's just you two and especially because like you are not like her regardless of whether she got the pass or not you don't like her and if you don't spend time with his family they don't have a lot they don't really have like a concrete vantage point to like not judge you from but to like have a perception and idea of you

and i understand not wanting her to be able to take away that opportunity but she's not you can hang out with them individually you can have them one-on-one you can like plan yeah like take his mom to a movie like do stuff like that i think is like a much more meaningful gesture as well and separates you from that because you also i know for me i would not be on my a game in those in those family situations with everybody there because i'm either on edge and like nervous or i'm pissed off and like i'm not my most fun and i'm not the version of myself i want other people to see so you know all right well that's the end of the episode thank you so much for listening we've had fun did you wonderful great glad you enjoy now you want to participate if you want

to be part of the show give us a call at 310-694-0976 and you can also write into meganpodcasts at gmail.com or use our google form everything is very simple it's right there in your face and your face i mean it is it's in your fingertips you feel it in your fingers how was it toes i don't know why i thought i said bones maybe there's another verse and then uh listen tomorrow for fisting friday we'll have a monday episode called but am i wrong and tuesday is see you next tuesday and watch the video version over on patreon we also do live streams there twice a month it is a very fun time always new people there so just don't don't worry you it will seldom be that you are the only new person there's usually i mean there's always

at least one person who is brand new you can make friends people i mean we're gonna have to get an update because people were hanging out irl they do that all the time and it is like so so across the United States, Canada, and the rest of the world, specifically the United States, that like we will find a neighbor for you. We will find someone, especially if you've moved to a new city. Lots of people have been like set up on friend dates with like other friends and being like, hey, you should meet so-and-so. It's a wonderful, great community. And we do a lot of vetting for you. So helps you out that way. All right. Well, again, thank you for listening and goodbye. This is a Sister Sign production hosted by me, Megan Rinks.

And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.