Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Breaking Up Over Cultural Differences

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Scared being home alone Cultural differences when dating Friends in difference financial situations Rude wedding planning Don't Blame Theme: Not knowing if you're bisexual Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. happy what day of the week is it it starts with the same name that our names start with same letter m monday happy monday everybody welcome to another episode of don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and we do it in the medium of a podcast and or if you're on our patreon a video podcast also called a no i was gonna say vodcast but that actually sounds like some fucking tech bro like has invented it that's what they were calling them at the beginning but i think people are just like the podcast has a video component yeah so if you're a video podcast fan which that is how i prefer to consume mine we make it accessible

so a dollar a month is like the cheapest it can be and then if you have buckets of money that you're just trying to spend so you don't have to i don't know do something else that it can be a yeah it's just i don't know don't i'm not an accountant so don't don't blame me don't blame me if you get a call from the irs best of luck if you do not my problem melissa nothing is my problem nothing is it's none of my business it is none of my business so uh i am megan and i'm joined by my co-host and producer the glue to some days i'm glitter some days i'm just construction paper melissa i talked about you so much last weekend or last week to who to everybody what they what were you saying people were asking we'll talk about it and

see you next tuesday okay what what a time but a lot of people are asking what i do and then we were just like referencing just other things and i kept saying like my friend and then i was like i wonder if these people have caught on that i'm referring to the same person like it's not just like oh my other different different and then i just like i'm like oh yeah no this is all the same person and they're like wow what an incredibly multifaceted human being i'm like i know right so i only need one friend you have to play all the roles thank you call me both rihanna and madonna because they have they both have songs called take a bow i love a dramatic song two different songs same title that actually happens a lot i know so we're gonna give some advice will it be

life-changing of course will it be the best advice you've ever heard maybe will it be totally healthy and therapist approved cannot guarantee that and we've never promised that no but we have gotten approval from a couple therapists yeah which we then take as a catch-all of like first of all when hairstylists recommend our podcast when therapists listen to our podcast there's some certain professions teachers i'm just like we're doing everything right ton of teachers child teachers speaking of teachers if you didn't hear on last week's episode on fridays from 5 p.m to 9 p.m west coast time unprivate your accounts so i can let you into the group unfortunately we cannot accept people that have private accounts yeah and you need to be uh not

like a finsta or something like that we just need to again people are very vulnerable in the group And so we need to protect that. And you they don't have to people in the group don't have to have your like they don't need to. They aren't going to know your personal Instagram or something like that. But we just need to make sure that other people are safe because it's a big group. Yeah. Send me a DM. And speaking of our group. Yes, we have a Facebook group that you should join.

It's back open. If you've been here for a while and you're like, I've been trying to get in for the last two, three years and you weren't we never approved you. Well, now's the time. all the approvals were declined and now we have reopened it for people to join so please put thoughtful answers if they're not thoughtful and just i want to join a community is your answer that's not we live in a society not an answer i have to say there's some people who joined which i'm like oh my god bitch i can't believe you're not in this group like it's people who like we interact with like all the time on instagram and things like that so that is also like you know

if you're not like a total random to us there is a aspect there too that like you know we want to make sure that you're actually invested just not to read other people's gossip yeah the first few people i let in i had to scroll through and i was like i thought you were already here like like we know you send me messages all the time yeah i know you okay hey you what are you doing here okay cool join like so sorry yeah no there are people in our patreon group we're like we're like oh yeah i'm not in the facebook group and i was like oh my god what like i literally know you're like menstrual cycle like we like yeah we've we've video we literally like essentially facetime with you all twice a month and like some of you like my bad so sorry but hey yeah

trying to vet it i guess that's our housekeeping we should explain how you can participate in this podcast so we have two different ways so you can either send us a message about what you need advice on and you can do that through email which is meganpodcast at gmail.com or you can send us a dm or you can go to our bread and butter like what this podcast is established on don't make weird things that what do you i don't like that i don't like that i'm gonna cover you up do it on the other side it's weird i don't know if i can do it at all that's the thing is i think about it yeah and i can do it on the left side but the right side nothing happens she's making her titties down watch join the patreon and you can see it actually does kind of make it i was going

to say it definitely probably yeah it is one of those working you're the rock make those pecs dance um or you can call and leave us a voicemail which is you know what the show was it built on we play your voicemail and we give you advice so for that it needs to be under three minutes you should be 18 or over have your parents permission and we recommend that you write it all out before you record it and you read it out loud once you practice a few times to make sure it's under three minutes and you have all the relevant information in there we beg of you we insist that you include your age as well as like the ages of people involved in it and again the most relevant information so if it's about a relationship how long you've been together if

there's like history and drama with someone you need to set the stage and let us know not that there just was history and drama like what was said history and said drama you know little recaps of that because otherwise we have to infer and we cannot guarantee that we're going to get it right and we want to give you good advice like we might do it in a way that's like tough love or funny but at the end of the day like we we would like to give you advice and like would like to help so help us help you and then for the write-ins they have to be under 300 words and all of the same things apply to that so let us know your age and yeah and it's all anonymous no one's gonna know that it's you you can use a voice changer if you need to yeah that's happened somebody once used a

tiktok filter voice filter and did it recorded themselves on tiktok and then played oh that i didn't even i forgot about that someone also um was trying to figure out how they can do theirs without people knowing that it's like them and whatever and i think that you know what if you just get on cameo get an unemployed actor send them some money and have them read it for this be pretty fucking good i like that a lot we do have some fun episodes with guests coming up soon too so be on the lookout for those all right let's get into the episode the first one is a write-in hi megan and melissa i am writing in to get some advice on how not to feel anxious and unsettled when I'm home alone. I'm 26, she, her, and I've been living with my partner, 24, he, him, for six

months. We live together in an apartment at least 30 minutes from any of our friends or family. Whenever I'm home alone all day, I feel instantly anxious and unsettled. Most of the time, it's my day off, which is a Monday. I'll drive to my parents' house and hang out there almost all day. my family dog is also there so she makes me feel better this is the first time i'm living out of home and my place doesn't allow animals right now i've tried to make it homey but it's still not working we have another six months on the lease here and i don't know if we'll move anywhere else for our next home because it's so expensive and rent here is kind of okay i'm going to uni next year online so i'll be home alone a bit more at least one extra day i'm totally fine when my

partner is home with me or when someone else is visiting me thank you for your help so i totally understand this i am someone who like i love my space and i love like i love being i don't like being alone i like being alone together like i like being having a presence of someone else but we're both doing our own thing there but like we don't have to like socialize or whatever it is but i do enjoy that aspect of it too so it's hard like i literally didn't really sleep in like you if you want if you heard or watched last week's episode i literally flew so i could get some and you know not be alone and the first tip I would say is not self-promotional but podcasts like I play podcasts constantly and not scary ones not like it's just conversational ones so

our podcast is great for that but also the podcast I've spoken about so much Brooke and Connor make a podcast like find people who you're like these remind me either of my friends or whatever because then i will then send clips of said podcasts or whatever i'm listening to to my real life friends so like i'm texting them or i'm like saving these things to like talk about with someone later but i think like breaking down what makes you anxious so for me it sounds like i'm just really jumpy and i wouldn't say i'm paranoid because like i don't ruminate in this except the issue is is i am jumpy so then that makes me because usually it's like jumpiness is like fight or flight kind of response and so then my body is like okay what's the explanation for this versus

there's literally no fucking explanation like this doesn't isn't indicative of something that's happening or a sign of something that like this is literally just like you're hella fucking jumpy so the way i combat that is i it's never silent like i just don't sit in silence which I tend to usually really like when I'm like if the other people are around like I like when it's quiet and I can you know it's easier sometimes to hear my health think but I just keep playing things all the time but I do think that I obviously recommend therapy for anything that's like extreme anxiety especially if there is there's a thought process behind it because like there can be different kinds of being anxious versus like anxiety where it's like

coming from a place that you don't know where it's coming from but if you're like oh i'm like i'm just like worried someone's going to come in and break in and do all this stuff like approaching those kinds of things with logic like a therapist can be very helpful when you have specific things like that and even if you don't have like specific things but you're just feeling very anxious breaking down why that is and you know some medication can be also very very very helpful i think also finding like a hobby to do while you're at home and something like that that like i think you're allowed to be whatever makes your day-to-day okay so like i if there's a room that you're like this freaks me out i gotta like that but i'm humble so like shut the door like you

don't have to like face your fears in like that kind of sense like what are the things that make you more anxious and what are the things that make you less anxious but i think like if this like getting in a way of your life and you are home a lot by yourself and you know that that's going to happen even more i do think there needs to be like a change that you implement with a professional because it's just going to put a lot of strain on you your relationships your school work your classwork like all of that kind of stuff but the best way to break it down i think is to like what are you anxious about and then how can we like circum is circumvent the right thing but like, you know, approach from a different direction, that thing, because that thing

is a symptom of the, of the, the anxiety is a symptom of that fear that whatever that feeling is. Yeah. I lived alone after my second year, no, after my first year of college, like I had an apartment after that. So I like being alone and I never felt anxious about living by myself until I moved into this house because I can't see a lot of what's going on in my other apartments that were small and I could see pretty much everything depending on where I was.

And what has helped me a lot is having an alarm system. And you're like, I live in an apartment. I can't put an alarm system. No, they do have like ones that you can buy. The company that Shaq has investments in that notifies you when people come to your home that they make like i can't say it because it's owned by a stock company but they have it so that they have like individual things that you can put up on your home so like if a door is opened or a window is open a chime will go off and you will

hear it and then you know that something is there if you never hear that then it's not what you think it is so i think just having things even setting booby traps in your home getting those like door those hotel door lock things that you can now what are they called they like there's the kind of ones yeah the clamp type things or even the ones that you put uh that wedge in the door that'll make noise if somebody opens the door or a wedge on the actual doorknob that can also help you know just make yourself i know it can feel homey but you want to feel homey and safe so like you've made it feel homey now make it feel safe so have things in your home that make you feel safe yeah and i think a good call too is like telling like if you have a i'm gonna be

i don't think this is sexist but like you know you have a neighbor who is uh a woman or not a cis man who you are like close with or like no that you can just say like heads up like I'm just like a little nervous about being like home alone and so if anything if you hear no like I don't think anything's actually gonna happen but like I just it would be nice if someone who's also here knows that so that's like a another aspect of like just feeling like you're right because like I don't think you can feel safe is the first thing like you have to feel safe first in a physical sense and then address the mental aspect of like clearly I'm anxious like why don't i mentally feel safe and like where is that coming from but yeah when we we've got the cameras and

we've got like all of that kind of stuff and it did more when moths went out of town and that definitely also also helped um and like having your location that like you share with like your friends or family and then if all of that is like all those boxes are checked i would ask yourself like is it what if is it anxiety or is it like loneliness is it like feeling like i'm an extra i'm an extrovert with social anxiety so like i i like love performing i love being around people but like specific people and like specific circumstances and all that kind of stuff and so for that i would say if it's also like loneliness which then can kind of you feel alone and then you get existential and then that can lead to like paranoia and anxiety something like

I mean, what you're doing is not the same thing, but Melissa's doing this writing group thing where you have other humans there. But something that is not just schoolwork related, that involves human interaction, that doesn't have to be you having to leave to drive 30 minutes to see other people or invite people over. I think interspersing human interaction throughout the day is good because you just can go a little stir crazy and that can also be hard on a partner. And I say that as someone who like has worked from home the entirety of Monson and I's like relationship. And so he only recently started working from home. And that was like a lot to put on him when my only social interaction would be with him when he came home. And he's like, I just need to like wind down and unplug. And I'm like, finally a human.

And then also I would say get to know your neighbors, too, because there's probably somebody that's at home all the time. My last place, I know I have the nosiest ass neighbors in the world. but i knew that if i if something happened to me they would know where i was they would give me license plates like they would tell like they would have every and every bit of information there was one time i mean they always knew what was going on be like oh you have a lot of friends i'm like worry about your own things but i appreciate like in the big picture i appreciate it but like one time i was parked on a street and they were they had shut down the street for something so we couldn't park there at a time even though you could usually park there and one of

them was at my door six not at my door at my bedroom window at six o'clock in the morning beating on the window saying come move your car which i would have preferred to pay the fine but but i appreciate it there was one that like my car would be dirty and she would come outside and use her water hose i wouldn't know but she would just clean off my car and then i'd be like my car's clean i don't know what happened and then eventually like later she'd be like your car is dirty you need to go she's like there's a gas station up the street where you can clean i'm like i'm aware i just haven't done it i go to that gas station to get gas i just don't feel like getting my car washed but like nosy neighbors are great in here the guy that

lives next door and his wife they i've gotten to know them and i like them and there have been times where like one time I just accidentally slammed my trunk really hard and they like ran over here because they thought something had happened so nice yeah just so nice yeah I think that's underrated like I did not have that relationship with any neighbors I've ever had before specifically at my last place but here that's like the thing that has made me feel the most safe it's like establishing relationships with said neighbors and like even like there are times like once i like went to a bachelor party i didn't even know that but like he i like would go check the mail and like everybody was like hey and like being all nice and he was like no i yeah

i told him i was gonna like be out of town and like have like you know just look out keep a look out for you so like i would just like see neighbors like randomly just like you know making sure just like peeping out and i was like oh that's it's nice there's like that sense of community but yeah i and also last thing i'll say you said that the apartment like you know is a good you don't know if you'll be able to move is it something about like the location of the apartment like i would just write down and make a list of all of the things that specifically you're getting like worried about and even if it's totally irrational that's fine like fine versus the practical things and all of that because if you're in a place that's like maybe not the safest area

that is something that like that will not go away no matter like whatever so that you can work on the anxiety for like all those other reasons and like those things but you know knowing it's not an all or nothing thing it's about mitigating that feeling as much as you can but i feel for you i really do it does get easier though hi megan and melissa love the podcast um i just wanted your feedback on kind of like being in a relationship with someone and figuring out that there are cultural differences and kind of how to move on from ending a relationship based on that and also just wanted your feedback on like just loneliness in your 30s if you have any you know kind of like just ways to move forward through it because kind of I think this breakup

has been really difficult because you know cultural differences are things that you know you can understand but you can't necessarily change I think it makes the breakup really hard you know because it's like you you know it's just it's just a lot of information to process i would love to know your thoughts on that and how to move forward and yeah i really appreciate you guys and i hope you guys have a great night thanks bye i mean i think it depends on the cultural differences you know like i think like if you dated someone for x amount of time there's a you're in your 30s i guess like there are different times where like i have friends who do not who will casually date outside of their cult like and that's not something that's gonna

get serious and that's a conversation before and there have been people that they've dated who've been like oh what and it's like we've established this from the beginning like this is not gonna happen but then there's also things that it's the longer you date certain things are important other people that are based in like that so at that point i also wonder you know there people are allowed to change their mind for what they want but also i don't know which side of it you were on of the side of like you someone you're with did not understand like your culture and like didn't want to put that work in if that was an option or if it was the other side of it because i would say to that you can be aware of other people's the cultural differences and those

things and you don't have to be from that not every person wants someone who grew up in exactly that. You can just also understand that and work on learning and getting an awareness of it that factors into that. But I guess it really depends on what that is. Yeah. I'm curious as if like Megan said, like, was it someone that you thought that you were going to end up with or it wasn't someone that like y'all both know this was never going to go anywhere because being with someone that's part of their culture it was important to you or was it i don't know like are you like megan saying are were you the one that you know it's your specific culture that they didn't fit into or did you not fit into their culture because people i feel like a lot of people do do that like

they'll date somebody for a while and like are like yeah like this is someone that i like and i love them but they're I will never end up with them because this was never like the plan like get a little taste and then yeah which sucks but like you can't it sucks like having your heart broken but you can't fault them for that or did they go into it or you went into it thinking that it will be fine but then as you know you I don't know celebrated a holiday or things came up and you're like actually this isn't gonna work because we just don't vibe in that way and I'll even say like growing up you know I was mostly the only like black person in in my grade in high school and you know dating people outside of my culture and then when I got or outside of my race and then

when I got into college and I dated somebody black there was just like it was just easier because there was a shorthand there that I didn't have to jump through hoops or I didn't have to worry about like a racist parent or their whole family being racist like it was just easier and so I can understand that and I still like even now I date people from all walks of life but there's still a shorthand that I don't have to jump through when I'm dating a black man so I understand like getting over it I think like getting over it like that's you thought that that was the only reason that it didn't work out and i would maybe look more into the relationship because it might not have been actually the only reason maybe do some self-reflecting that might

have been the excuse that was used especially if you didn't know about it going into it yeah then um i would reflect and look upon what happened and see if that was the actual reason But getting over any type of heartbreak, regardless, is hard and difficult and you need time to process it. Did they say how long it had been? No, I don't think they did. So I would just, I would take time to reflect upon that and figure out who you are outside of a relationship and get to love like that part of yourself. And, you know, just know that it's going to take a little bit of time. And when you realize that wasn't the person that you were meant to be with, it'll, it'll click at some point and you'll realize it, but just give yourself some time to process it. Yeah, because I think if you were the person who it was that he couldn't understand like your culture and like that was the difference from he was not whatever you grew, whatever you're referencing in that. but it was from his point I would say like the next person you date date someone within your culture and like see how that works for you because like if it was the fact that like it

was never going to work with him but if it's along the lines of like was someone being culturally insensitive or was someone not putting the work in to like understand that or was someone like not wanting to have to handhold or teach the partner either way of that like it's all totally fine but I would look into like the intricacies of that not in the sense of like oh how like sure yes how you can improve but I don't necessarily even know if anyone is at fault in that more along the lines of like how do I want to pick the next person that I date or how do I want to go into next dates even if it's not going to be something serious like do you just need a break from dating outside of your culture like do you need like do you want that comfortability do you want to avoid

things that have happened in the past like those kinds of things like there will be problems in every relationship but if you can pinpoint what specifically was the issue with like again if like he you it he was not a part of your culture and he was not being sensitive to that and like was not understanding it might like once i said like having someone it doesn't be serious like going on a couple days with someone where you have that shorthand there i always say that like after a breakup i'm not into like you know get over someone get under someone else but when you're feeling like hopeless and lonely in love and in rome like that whole department go out on a date just go out on a date just to be or like text with someone like something where like you remember

like okay there are other people i'm not just like sitting and like ruminating and stewing on this past relationship and this like there are other people i can flirt like i can have all of those things but to make that the best experience for you i would again specifically if this is a matter of like he was not being like sense culturally sensitive or aware with your culture then i would specifically date within your culture for that do you want to go on a couple dates but if it's the reverse you know i would reflect on like like moses said like was this established from the beginning like was this like this can't be anything serious or was this like a shift in a change was there a possibility was there anything that you could have done to have

made the experience something that he would have wanted long term because more often than not the answer is no like some people don't realize until they're older that they're actually you know i really want someone who has the same upbringing as i did and like no matter how much someone understands like i know people like when you convert to judaism like you are jewish but i also know people who like for them like doesn't matter if someone is Jewish from their father's side but someone who grew up with a lot of the same like we went to the like Jewish summer camps like certain things like that where it's like oh we grew up in this similar community like that's important so it's just hard to know what any of that is but I think if you have any regrets

and you can like look at this as like I wish I had done something like different and i think i had some faults i played it here it might be uncomfortable to like lean into and you might not be ready to do that at this point but i think you can learn a lot from like every relationship you've been in and if you are recognizing that you might not have been the most culturally sensitive then it can be sure a matter of it not meshing but it also can be a point of like education for you and like reading book like doing all of those things where it doesn't mean that that like you're gonna end up with someone from that exact culture like your ex and it's gonna you'll have a redo of that but you know there's like learning moments in all

relationships and it can be like you can learn things about anything so i also realize now that i am i said he all the time and that you did not say that so that was all my bad i apologize if i used the wrong pronouns and i need to and maybe i'll start doing what you do where you copy paste it from a separate one so your eyes don't so you can just see the one at a time but also loneliness in your 30s megan can now comment on this because i am lonely in my 30s um because you're 30 oh okay you just turned 30 that's true but i think it's hard but it's the the older that i get the more i can like recognize that my feelings don't exist like just me like i relate to random people i see on TikTok. I relate to like, you know what I mean? Like you can relate to anyone regardless

of what they're talking about. And so what I've just kind of tried to reframe it is like, why am I allowed to relate when someone does something like funny or whatever? And I'm like, oh my God, same, this is me. Then I should also assume that people are feeling the same things that I am feeling in different iterations. So it's, it's tough, but I think the best part about getting older with all of this is you know yourself, you know yourself more and you learn about yourself quicker and that like sticks. So I think that the loneliness comes in different iterations. Like when you're younger, you might spend time with people who don't really get you. And like that's lonely while being around people. And the loneliness as we get older, I think it's we tend

to have higher standards and we know ourself better. We know the people we want to be around and surrounded by and then the friendships that you make or relationships the older you get they tend to be deeper because you have that history you have two individuals a lot of like past in history of their own lives and who they are as people coming together and like making I think a fairly like conscious decision to like embark on again any kind of relationship I wish I had more help for that but I just tell myself that you know the longer you wait for things the longer it takes for things to happen the better those things are yeah and i'm wondering if you mean loneliness as in not being in a relationship or loneliness like you don't have

a lot of um like a group of people that support you because i think those are two different things but i think like loneliness when you don't have a community find a community like i look on like if i want to do something um i'll look online and just find who's doing it and go do it like if i want to go horseback riding i'll just find a horseback place and i'll go do find a horse um doesn't necessarily mean it's always a good experience but like i've met some cool people all horseback riding or like you know if it's like a relationship thing my friend made this whole questionnaire and it's like if you want somebody like to be in a relationship with somebody what do you imagine them doing like on the weekend and just go to that place and hang out

they'll be there what what would your place be the golf course don't don't say it too loud i'm wearing headphones thank god did i hear my call tennis course uh-huh today as i was um on my row machine I was like do I want to like row outside I can't swim so not a good choice but like once I learn how to swim do I want to row outside bitch when I tell you I almost sent you this fucking post where I go damn Melissa and I we got to do this but we got to take swim lessons first and we have to get so many vaccines you can fucking canoe in the LA river what's that they're cleaning it up so my issue is i can't touch the water like what part the better part because this is like you have to pay money to it's like it's not like you just show up

with canoes like you they have a guy it's a guide okay so my thing is i can't touch the water so i need i'm to get in the canoe and then i need someone to push me into the water but i also need to swim lessons i need i need like a scuba mat like and we have to get a lot of back they to get tetanus shot before like i have to get yeah and that's a big step for me so i don't know if i'm gonna be able to make it specifically tetanus shots and i don't do well they're huge i do know like like in the marina del rey area the um pepperdine not pepperdine what's over there lmu what's cool yeah the lmu students that are on like row team are always rowing over there and i know i saw that like you can sign up like with the group but they have it in different parts of the

year where you can do it but to learn like do you want to be on a in a boat with like are you going to be the coxswain like do you want to be in a boat with other people or are you trying to solo row look i don't know this was just a thought a fleeting thought i had i'm already there because i've been canoeing in the la river that's in my head i can't do anything until i learn how to swim so i think that's the first step that was my first thought when i go we should do this and i go we should take the safety precautions because the vest is only going to do so much because the issue is is like it's the panicking and when i tell you there's no body of water i panic and more than falling into the la river yeah and it wouldn't be because of the depths of it it because

of the bodies and needles and other things that are in there like they're like stay calm and i'm like i'm so sorry i can't stay calm like i'm in the la river like my body is i'm contracting a disease like my skin is going to fall off like this is like this is not okay i mean i'm in toxic ways okay well i love that you know that's a good idea though uh you're good at so if you were going to have someone who was going to do it for you so if they were trying to meet someone like you where would they go on the weekend my house i know that's what i was trying to think of because i go that's my issue and i wonder if you're going to say that too no but it would be at the same places because those are those when i think about what i want eventually will be doing it would be

like the same activities i want to share the activities but you know i i mean this weekend i'll be at dave and buster's that's a great place to meet someone that is a great place to meet someone so just like act i like to do activities so places i go with activities the problem is i usually go like to places where there are women and as a heterosexual woman that doesn't really help the situation not so much yeah if anyone else has any ideas about how to not be lonely yeah share it because but i do need i do want more information from the caller too like what specifically what parts of loneliness are you combating yeah because yeah i think that is a hard it's a hard one because you feel established in your life once you hit 30 and then when other

things you don't feel like you've checked it off it can be hard feeling like you're either very far away from that or you're so close to that but you don't have it so all right time for a break We're going to take a break. Okay. We're, are we back? We're back from our break, right? We're back.

Let's get into the next call. Hi, Megan and Melissa. um i need help with being in different financial situations than your friends so i've been friends with this girl for a little over a year now i'm 21 and she's 24 and when we met i was in university and i was being supported by my parents my parents financially so they were paying for my rent and university which obviously i'm very grateful for and I was working full-time in retail at the time so any like money I was making was being saved or I could spend freely but this meant that we were doing a lot of things that like added up

cost-wise such as going out to get food drinks and activities which I was fine with at the time but now I'm going to be living in a studio which is quite expensive but I'm okay with that because I value living alone more than I value like going out and doing things that cost a lot of money but my issue is that and she keeps suggesting things to do that cost a lot of money and I'm getting kind of sick of shutting it down every time I've suggested alternatives like buying a bottle of wine to bring to her place or having her over to cook when I'm making dinner but she's still coming back with like these things that cost money. And I told her I'm really cutting down on my expenses. And she knows like the basis of my financial situation, basically like what I

explained here that I'm going to obviously have to start paying my own rent and having all of my own bills. And I just don't really know how to approach this anymore. And I'm wondering if it's even worth the effort if she keeps like suggesting these things that I can't afford to do. And it Kind of feels like maybe we're just going in different directions and maybe she was just someone that I was supposed to be friends with during that time of my life and not anymore, but I don't really know. So any advice you could give would be fantastic. I do really care about her, but I have to keep shutting these things down every time it gets kind of frustrating and makes me not want to reach out to her to hang out. Thank you so much. goodbye love the energy yeah i did too my question is if she stops inviting you will you feel left

out probably not but that might be her thought process is that like i want you to call her to go like i want her to go but i also like no she can't afford it but i also don't want her to feel left out so if you don't if you're not gonna feel left out then i would just tell her like hey homie friend whatever their name is thank you so much for inviting me to these things but I can't afford them so please stop inviting me I think you have to tell her to just stop and if there are things that you can afford I think like that you want to do then I think you have to give her specific things not suggestions instead of like you should be the one that's offering if you want her to remain as a friend. If not, then like you said, this might have been a friendship that

was just for a certain period of time. But I will say I have some friends that are very rich and they do things that I cannot do. And I think we just kind of know that at this point and they don't really ask. So they'll just like, there are things that we can do. Like they're having a birthday get together or like we'll just hang out and have like lunch or something like do things like that that are affordable then I think you know like we do those things but they also go on these extravagant trips that I cannot go on so I friend was like do you want to go I said no and that was the end of it it wasn't like a yeah I expect you to go it was just like I'm inviting you so that you know that i'm including you but if you can't go you can't go yeah i want to know

what their her response has been so like when you've said like oh i can't afford that like let's do what how about you just come over and have like wine here is it oh i really don't want to do that i'm i want to go to this restaurant or suggesting something else that's cost money or if it's like oh yeah cool amazing great it might be like if she's suggesting that it costs money and then you're then you're like how about we do this instead that's cheaper and it's still always have it's still like you still hang out and you do that thing that's cheaper and you will have a good time I think that that is like probably not intentional on her part it just might be like I don't know what you said you've only been friends for like a little bit over a year or

like around a year I don't know how long this new situation has been it might just be like forgetting and that it's like and that's fucking annoying and frustrating but if it's been six months where you had money to spend and then the last six months you haven't that to me is like okay no you've you've had your learning curve kind of time and then I would be like hey can I ask like why like I've told you my financial situation and you know every time we hang out like you know you want to do something that costs money and I have to tell you that like oh I can't do that and then we you're fine with it but like I'm just wondering why like I'm just it's starting to feel kind of shitty to like bring it up all the time a little demoralizing and like if you are just

forgetting like that's totally fine like i'd love to find a way to like you know help you out like help remember that or if it's a matter of i should be reaching out to you like you said like i should be making the plans not just changing the ones that you suggest and just like ask to get to the bottom of it because it might like most of that might be the thing as simple as like oh i just like want to give you that option because like i want to go do this thing and i want you to feel included in that but i do think like if you're already kind of being like maybe this friendship is not it that you usually that doesn't even cross your mind unless like that feeling is really there so I would just think that like you know there are different seasons of friendships but

the your financial circumstance is not a permanent thing so I think if you are wanting to kind of distance yourself from a friend based on a temporary situation that you're in that's not indefinite i think there's probably more things there and like this is representative of something that she does or behavior that like doesn't really fit or it can also just be like you know we bonded over things that like maybe we don't have that much in common anymore like maybe like a lot of the things that we like liked to do was a huge part of our relationship our friendship in a relationship like do you just have do you have just as much fun with her when you're doing things that aren't costing a lot of money because like how much of it is like the experience versus

like her company there but i do think you have to i would think it through a lot before you do it because ending a friendship is hard because sometimes sometimes you have to be like incredibly explicit and it might not be that big of a deal to you right now like it can be like a slow fade or like i think we're growing apart but that's not mutual necessarily and so like you might have to have like a like really just like cut off and end a friendship in a more intense way than you actually feel because the other person's like doesn't necessarily want to end it so i would just think it through um and figure out exactly like what it's stemming from but again if your mind is going to that i usually think that you've been out of it as two ghosters i'm more leaning

towards slow ghosting now as part of instant ghosting where i'm just like i might your playlist might get you through the work day but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st.

Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Like a picture on social media, but we're not going to hang out. If I could just have all of my relationships be like that, that would be so much easier. But sometimes people are just like, wait, so we're good now? and i'm like we're fine i just like don't want it yeah i'll send a happy birthday message but i'm not gonna post about your birthday you know it's chaotic all right next call hi megan and melissa i'm calling about a predicament that occurred last

weekend and my cousin's fiance is bridal shepherd we'll call the fiance meredith and my cousin's derek they've been together for six years i've always been super close with derek and i've also gotten really close with Meredith over the years. I'm going to be in her bridal party, and so is her sister and Derek's sister. We'll call Derek's sister Amelia, and she does not like Meredith and has never been a fan of their relationship. Meredith's sister is Lexi, and her and I are also pretty close, and she's obviously going to be in the bridal party. So Amelia set up the entire bridal shower, and she asked me if I could come over earlier to help set up, which I did. So I got there, and Lexi was also there, and she asked Amelia if she was able to confirm with the

restaurant that there would be no pork on the menu, because she and Meredith and the entire family are Muslim. Although I wasn't there for this first interaction, apparently Amelia gave her a bit of an attitude, but she did confirm that there would be no pork. Later on, while we're still setting up, Lexi and I were sitting at a table catching up, and I just happened to grab a menu that was on the table because I was curious to see what we'd be eating. Amelia then comes up to Lexi and I and out of nowhere snaps at Lexi and says, I do not want to hear anything else about the pork. I told you there would be no pork. I've been planning this shower for months. I'm so exhausted and I just don't want to hear it again. Lexi rightfully so about super upset. She went to

the bathroom, called Meredith, who was not at the shower yet and told her what happened. When Meredith got there, the vibes were off. She knew that Amelia was talking shit before she got there and the entire shower kind of felt ruined. I think Amelia was totally out of line and rude and her bitch fit was so uncalled for and inappropriate. And I just felt so bad for Meredith because she was obviously upset and just didn't want to be there.

So I foresee a similar situation happening at the wedding in November and I don't know what to do. Amelia's kind of a bitch. I know she's my cousin, but the way she handled various things and that situation are just terrible. She's mean.

And I just don't know if I should say something to Amelia or if I should keep out of it. I have made it clear that I'm on Lexi and Meredith's side, but should I have a conversation with Amelia? Do I say anything to Derek? I'm not sure what the vibes are. I don't want to make things worse, but Lexi did tell me that she will be having a serious conversation with Amelia after the wedding. I don't know if I should stay out of it, have a conversation. I know this doesn't involve me, but as a bystander of these interactions, it's truly awful. So I'm asking for advice on how to handle that situation that transpired and also just advice for going into the wedding in November.

I have a little time, so I just want to add that Derek is 33. Amelia is 29. Meredith is going on 26. And Lexi and I are the same age, both 23. So I know what you're referencing. and i wish you would have switched amelia and lexi's name because i cannot stand lexi but i love amelia so i wish but i know what i just said was controversial and a lot of people do like the other how you put it but in my mind it's just hard to keep track of it oh i don't even know i

know the ref i don't know the specifics so i love a hot take though when i can just egg it on and have no idea what it means i have a question why is amelia planning a bridal shower for a bit she hates some people just like the control no so that you there's an amelia problem you have to talk to derrick and you have to be like hey this was completely uncalled for this opportunity that amelia has been given is like you said like she wants the control there and i think probably what has happened is amelia is like faking hella nice to meredith so she can like pull these puppet strings and then stress her out or like wreak havoc and just kind of like do shit but then also hide underneath like oh i'm being like so nice and so it just becomes like manipulative

as fuck and so you can't be like this person's being awful and i was like she literally planned her whole bridal like what are you talking like it's just like maniacal and evil and i hate that so i think that there is an amelia problem and i would talk to derrick and meredith at the same time there i would not bring in lexi at that point because lexi's meredith's sister i would bring it in as like uh i'm coming at this from like hi we're family and like i'm like our other family member like not good this is this is not this shit's not cool like this all of this kind of stuff and then i would just be like i'm here to support you and like i and i like i don't know that like i would just be like she's not a good person like she's not kind she's not nice and

specifically the words i would use i wouldn't say she talks shit about you or she doesn't like you i would say don't trust her don't trust her if a woman tells me don't trust that person i'm like my nipples are hard just thinking i'm just like oh never if you tell me that person you can't trust him never never never never never my life like that is a that is a statement to fucking make and then be like how can i help what can i do if that's like keeping my cousin out of the fucking way if that is like wrangling her in the bridal party then i will do that if that's like you want to kick her out of the fucking bridal party i am happy to talk to our family about it and like do that work like whatever role you need me to play like i will play that but like i just

need you to know that if she's doing something and like you're feeling some kind of way about it it is not in your head and like I am here to be a hench person who is like ready to like assist you on this day and I'm if you want me to be honest about what I think she might do whatever it is like let me know I will do whatever you need but I have a bad feeling about like I don't like how she's been behaving and I have a bad feeling about her having any sort of I'm just worried about her doing something that could ruin your wedding or even just like a blip that's not going to be like the whole thing comes tumbling down but like that that she's going to have a damp like dampen your experience or have something like that so like let's make a game plan because i don't i don't

like the odds of just hoping that she's going to be cool and chill and fine so like i say get the fuck involved because people will involve you in their weddings that you don't even ask to be involved in so at this point you're already involved get ahead of it involved yeah i'm gonna call you maggie in this situation so um because fucking fans and so this is a very maggie thing to do would be to even though lexi was dead by the time maggie came around um i think this show was it you could lie to me and i believe you you could fully you could be lying right now and i'm telling the truth she died in a plane crash you know the the lexi in your situation seems lovely and derrick is also dead on the show too

but anyway it's a ghost wedding but anyway maggie i think you should sit everyone down and not include amelia in it and say you know this is what's happening this girl has an attitude your wedding is something that it will be stressful but i want it to be as stressless for you as possible and i if i were you i would just like appoint myself as the referee for the wedding the wrangler yeah and just kind of just be there knowing that amelia is going to cause problems and that you're going to extinguish them but the fire set then you'll be the extinguisher for it sometimes you just have to be the person that's controlling the chaos and let people know like if they have questions you're the point person that will be there to answer the questions

yeah i also want to know whose side of the family is this because like i if the the the parents guardians the adults of the adults are involved like that's the family those are a sibling set which then make you all cousins yeah Derek and Maggie are cousins and yeah Derek Maggie Amelia they're all cousins yeah so I guess I see why you use cousins in the fucking show no Derek and Amelia are Derek is Derek's sister is Amelia on the show and in this situation too okay okay so I would then like you know you know your family dynamics more than me but like I gotta say sometimes if a cousin is out of line with telling an aunt specifically shit might you know it might not be it might not be good but like it's just sometimes if people want to make themselves a

center of attention other people deserve to know what they're doing yeah will it start a rift maybe between you know aunts and uncles and siblings and all of that possibly but also i don't think you have unless someone unless like bride or groom unless the bride i'm not gonna say the groom unless the bride is saying like i don't want you to like get involved i don't want you to like say anything like that like that would be protecting me you don't protect your family in this when someone's about to do this because also like this specific incidence feels like uh not rooted in specifically rooted in being a big like it's like of all of the things i'm just like uh-uh and then when you say that she doesn't like her and i'm like oh this feels highly

representative of a much bigger issue than just like we don't get along it's like oh i'm not cool with my cousin like marrying a muslim girl like it's just like that's the part that i'm like specifically latching onto that oh i don't have i do not have sister i mean brother yes brother So, like, that's, like, that part does not feel good for me in the sense that, like, this is, oh, they have personal issues that won't come up at the wedding. I'm like, no, no, if your issue with her is, like, you're Islamophobic, like, that will come up at the wedding. Like, and that's not just her and her sister. Like, her whole family will be there assuming, like, other family members, all of this. Like, and then you, you will then be by association on that side.

so like i would make it abundantly clear to people like i do not fuck with her i do not fuck with this like i'm here for you how can i help what can i do in this like i don't want to get roped into like her whatever fucking shit she does at the wedding i would prefer we avoid it altogether yeah i mean even at the last wedding i was i went to even though i had a place card that said that my stuff should be gluten-free and dairy-free i asked every time a dish was served to make sure that's like asking people about your dietary preferences, especially when it's a religious thing. You can't ask too much. Sure, you might be stressed out, but this is your at this point, you're doing this like this is your job. You cannot take it out on other people,

especially when it's their wedding. Yeah. And also like specifically in an instance of like religious dietary restrictions like there can be depending on the ages or where people grew up or like having even it printed on a menu could be offensive to some people and like it does not necessarily people who are who are asking about it they're thinking about their extended family members and it's like if you are not a part of that culture that is not something that you grew up like you don't get to be like oh well we'll just say without this or this is a typo or like they'll take it like no sometimes like it's you know they're trying to avoid usually the person who's gonna who's talking to you about it they're the one who's trying to avoid someone who they're

like that's someone else is not going to be so so kind or like pointing this out like there's i'm trying to have you avoid a much bigger situation here so getting mad at that but you're right when you're not planning it like you can't get like upset at all you brought this job upon yourself all right well we're gonna take one more break and when we get back we're gonna get to don't blame them time for don't blame them oh yeah what's don't blame them thank you for asking melissa don't blame them is when one of our listeners will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call that has aired in a previous episode. So maybe they have personal experience. They went through something

firsthand. They have a family member or a friend who did. It relates to their profession or they just have some insight they would like to share with the class. Remember when I didn't talk on the podcast and don't blame them at that point was producer's corner. And that's when I'd come on and share my thoughts. I forgot about that until you just said that. I did too, till I just thought about it. What a different time. I know. I don't miss it. This is so much better. It is. Here we go. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling for Don't Blame Them for the most recent episode, a very sexy episode for the questioning if you're bisexual. I like the caller I'm also 22 I go by they them pronouns but I was born female and I had a very similar

such I'm having a very similar experience and just had a few points point one when you said you might be asexual I'm not saying this is for you but I have heard a lot of bisexual people say this and then realize that they are gay not saying that's you but that's something to keep in mind because a lot of my lesbian friends used to date men and thought they were bi and then they dated a girl and we're like, oh, this is what it's like. But if you think you're ace, that's so valid as well. On the talking to your boyfriend, I can understand it is really scary and you don't have to tell him, but even if you don't tell him, he should be a person that you think it would be okay if you did tell him. And also, okay, if you didn't, because he doesn't have to know, but obviously you

do want him to know. My final thing isn't just discovering a bisexual. I just get more into the community I hear that your friends are queer as well and that's amazing but see if there's any local groups in your city that's just for meeting queer people or if you're still in university going through that I joined my uni's queer group and then trans group and that helped me so much realize like myself and my identity and really get a community of people who just got it so I could talk to them about that also I think it's fine to tell your friends first I don't think you need to tell your partner first obviously if you want to do but I think it would be actually really good to tell your friends first as they also have similar experiences as they are queer and so it

can also just be great to bounce off stuff and also that internalized biphobia maybe if that's something you have which sadly most of us do because it is very ingrained in us. Lastly I wanted to say that I am similar to you I haven't dated women or non-binary people I've only dated men, but I am very short on my sexuality now. And I think that's partly due to being in a good community. So once again, I highly recommend that. But just because you don't date girls doesn't mean anything, just like Megan and Melissa said. And I echo their advice in general. I wish you luck in your queer journey and I hope you all the best wherever it takes you. It will be so much fun. Thank you. I love it. Yeah, that was great. And I also love your accent. Thank you so much

for calling in that was great advice yeah we appreciate it so much i mean we always appreciate don't win them but very much when it's about a call or a question that we don't have personal experience with so i hope the caller original caller was able to hear that too that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoyed i hope you thought it was so fantastic and wonderful and amazing and you're feeling compelled to go leave a review follow that follow that that that calling that you have right now and leave us a review on on the podcast app on the podcast app or on spotify and again you can watch the video version you can also just support us on patreon we do live streams there twice a month and follow our socials please and stay tuned for the rest of the

content slate that we have coming up this week yeah tomorrow we've got see you next tuesday where we catch up, chat, share interesting things about our own lives. Thursday, we have But Am I Wrong? And that's when y'all can write in about being wrong in a situation. We also share things about pop culture and things that we might be wrong about in our lives. Spoiler alert, we're never wrong. And then on Friday, we have Fisting Friday. And that's where we share the results from the polls from But Am I Wrong? And sometimes we go off on weird tangents. Yep. It's a good time. Wonderful. Amazing. Also follow our individual socials. And we will see you next time. Goodbye.

Gorgeous. Thank you. Took a lot of throat work. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter