Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Buying My Own Valentine's Day Gift

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Content Warning: Rape (4th Call) This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Husband thinks it's too hard to get me a gift Ending a friendship Ex wants to be a cop Not remembering sex Update: Paying boyfriend’s dad’s mortgage Buy Our Merch https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - [e-mail] (300 words or less) Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at WestJet.com slash 30 years. Hello there. Hello, Popit. You know what today is? No. You're dressed for the occasion.

Valentine's Day? yeah the insurrection pick one that's in february oh it's your birthday it's valentine's day but my birthday's in two days two days you wouldn't be wearing red for my birthday no i wouldn't i'm wearing pink two days for melissa's birthday yep yep yep yep yep yep yep i wonder what we'll be doing you're gonna get pushed and it's my duty it's black history month and it's your birthday and it's even a valentine's day treat and i am black history did you know i'm the first black cheerleader at springdale high school oh were you a flyer absolutely not that's crazy who the fuck was smaller than you

we were the same actually she was taller than me i think i've told the story before i didn't trust none of them bitches and i would not fly but like i just couldn't picture like if anyone's than you it was a shot like you're throwing up a seven like a seven-year-old me and my base partner you were a full base you weren't even a spot no we're the same height and then our back base she was much taller she's probably taller than you yep and then our flyer she was a little bit taller but she was very small okay also i was ripped no you are you have all you you have that kind of body type that like you get muscular you're like just naturally very muscular yeah and you it's crazy because you didn't grow up swimming and that's usually like a swimmer

body type but gymnast oh true true true true true i didn't do full gymnastics but i was tumbling yeah and running track too oh okay so little fucking bodybuilder crazy there i was musicals well happy almost birthday cheerleader thank you ra ra i didn't say that shish kebab oh that makes me hungry i love a kebab me fucking do meat and onions so good i love a slow roasted meat don't give me a quick meat no no no no no no well welcome to another don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and uh it's a call and advice podcast but we also accept emails you don't have to be in the united states if you are in the united states you can give us a call at well you might be able to do that in canada

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point that clarna was a swedish brand i don't think it even is and so they would just talk with swedish accents and then i'm pretty sure clarna sent them to sweden and now they have this like very strong swedish fan base incredible which is really oh no it is swedish oh okay i thought it was scandinavian i thought it was like from denmark something swedish fintech company so yeah so they they like really loved that part of it they really aligned with that love it so oh that is um that's what our show's about um you have to keep it under three minutes i think i said maybe i didn't but we've been aging over have your parents permission keep it under three minutes if you're recording a voice memo or a voicemail we ask that you do include your age

not just tell us you're over 18 because it you know it doesn't depend on that um it is all anonymous so use fake names aliases for people and just give us as many details as possible that you know you you would want someone to have so they can they can give you the best advice if you only give us certain details we can only really give you a certain advice and you're calling us or writing into us because you want our input i will say um a lot of people have been writing in and not keeping to 300 words or less and i've been going through and oh yeah um but i've been going through and cleaning it out and so there might be details missing and that's not my fault yeah i've been warned numerous times someone else has to edit it for you you it might

you might not like you might not like the result so it might seem unimportant to me but be important to you it might behoove you to go through with that red pen at first so shall we fuck up some shit oh we're also on patreon if you want to watch a video version or and or support the show you can just join the you can join the live streams we hang out it's a good time but again there's the video versions of the pod there and we also have merch and i made a couple of other like samples not like the final ones but just like some possible and potential ideas so check the back end later love it all right let's get into the first i'll read it i'm 32 she her i've been with my boyfriend who's 35 he him for four years for valentine's day he asked me what i

wanted so i sent him a list of items ranging in price along with links to the exact items and notes specifying my size color and any other relevant details i thought this would be foolproof but he suggested that it would be easier for him to just give me the money and let me choose what i want i believe this approach takes away my excitement and joy of gift giving process if i were simply buying the item myself i wouldn't need his financial assistance this whole situation low key pissed me off i'm at a loss for what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated divorce him and you're not even married that would be my advice like what's the fucking point no because to me this is so indicative of like this kind of dad like this is like it is just like a this is

the level that like a shitty checked out parent gives their partner who like pulls all of the weight once they have like four kids and i'm like and you're getting that treatment as a boy boyfriend yeah no that's like such a hard pass for me because like it's just it's so like why bother even asking then what you're gonna get me because then it's like you did all the work of research of these things that you want and you send that and it goes that's too much effort can you actually just like buy it i'll give you like he's not your fun aunt like it's fucking weird or your sugar daddy this is your boyfriend that you want him to put thought into like you gave him a variety of options that oh this pissed me off too really pissed me off and like there's a

difference i think between not loving something and exchanging it and then using that money to get something else that you like but another thing to be like i'm not even gonna try i'll just give you i'll just give you cash that's fucking weird yeah like imagine opening a valentine's day card from like your boyfriend and it's it has cash in it unless that's what you want like some people don't but you put in all this effort to give him options and he's not even he's putting in zero effort that's the part that i find the most insulting because it's like it's one thing to be like hey i know you really want like and like matz has done this for history before being like i know you want to you want this i want to show exactly which one i thought we'd go try them on

or you can whatever and so like he'll and his family's very big on that too they'll like print a picture and a card or whatever or do anything like that to me that is like well the thought is executed and it's there and it's or it's something like we can go together to go get this thing and like he likes getting gifts like that where like sometimes like instead of just getting clothes he's like what's that like a shopping day he like that's fun and i'm like love it but like this is like you he asked you what you wanted you did what you he wanted which is to tell him what you want and then he goes i bet he didn't fucking finish reading the list too much effort i'll just give you cash that is like so fucking it's you he asked you to do work and then

said i don't want to do work yeah and it's don't even ask just give me cash then why the fuck did you ask what i wanted right and like you said if you just wanted to buy something you could just buy it yourself and also like in general people thinking that like oh cash is like the best gift cash is a wonderful cash is a wonderful gift when you need cash and because you're going to use that cash what to cover your rent to cover whatever when it's supposed to be a gift and you don't valentine's day yeah and it's like you if you're gonna get the cash you know vast majority of us are not actually going to spend it on something to treat ourselves we're going to use it for something practical or to cover a bill or whatever that is and like that is something that we have to

already do with our own money in our own lives and so like when someone else gets the opportunity to treat us and to then like dangle that in front of you and then be like psych here's some fucking quarters i'd be like i'd be so mad i hope you're listening to this on valentine's day and if you got him a present take it back yeah and keep the cash and be like here's my cash and fuck you like this makes no effort zero and it's only gonna get worse yeah and it's been you've been together four years is that what they said yep absolutely not i'd be i'd be so mad at months all right next one next one hi megan and melissa i'm 21 she her writing because i want your advice on how to end a friendship with chloe 21 she her we've been friends for a decade and want oh and

went to the same school our entire lives and moved to a university together she moved away from our hometown after graduating flight attendant whereas i'm in a very nine to five corporate role we currently have nothing in common, and I think it's just exasperating the shallow nature of our friendship. I acknowledge I struggle with sharing emotionally and putting myself out there, but she's very disloyal and fickle. Ooh, what ways to describe that? Dang.

She's also funny and generous, but as I get older, I struggle to put up with her inconsistency. She really wants me to visit, and it would cost me a minimum of $400 on flights. I feel shitty. I feel it's shitty of her to demand me to visit as I just started a new job, so I have no money, and I'd be spending holiday days on what would realistically

not be a holiday. Maybe this is an analogy for our entire relationship. I'd like to avoid a confrontation, but I do think a conversation is inevitable. She relies on me emotionally a lot and can be very draining and sometimes it feels manipulative. She calls me crying when homesick or she asks for work, academic help a lot, doesn't really invite me to dinner or drinks when she goes out with other friends. Teenage girls can be awful and I don't necessarily resent her as it's been years since she would do stuff like not inviting me to group events or ghosting me during holidays, but I think it means I don't trust her. Our friendship has become a cycle of her using me than ignoring me but keeping me on the hook and then love bombing me i know you guys are pro

ghosting and hopefully you guys can give me tips as she's recently started calling texting me a lot and it feels dishonest in a way to just ignore it i feel i owe her a conversation you are so emotionally mature and you've got a great way with words i had a friend that it wasn't that they were not inviting me to things but they were very much when we'd have conversations on the phone it would be very much one-sided and where she would dump all this stuff on me and then be like okay thank you for your help bye and then ask me how i was how my day was and i tried ghosting her then she like kept calling and then called me one time crying and i was like okay i gotta to nip this shit in the bud so i picked up the phone and i talked to her and i told her exactly

why she pissed me off and why this friendship was no longer working and um how'd you take it i mean she didn't take it well and then later she tried to make up with it but at least it she didn't take it well but i felt better so like i'm not responsible for her emotions when she was always using me as an emotional crutch you know after it happened um we didn't talk for a few years we later did like well she like reached out for us to continue our friendship and i wasn't really having it she still thinks we're close i don't know how we really talk um but those people always do i know i mean even like when i was home for christmas she was like you were here and you didn't tell me and i was like it's crazy sometimes the other realities people live in and i go yeah

it's crazy that i'm a main character in your story and like you quite literally are not even making the first draft like it's so wild yeah but that's how things roll yeah i mean i think like i think melissa's right like it's about what makes you feel better and i think that like you can i don't want to say like as people who ghost like they're never there are times where i'm like oh you know, that's probably wasn't very nice. Like maybe I should have not ghosted. And then I'll like scroll up and then be like, oh, that's why I did this again. Like sometimes the distance in the space when, cause you grow so much, you can think like, okay, I'm, I'm bigger than this or I'm whatever X, Y, and Z and all of that kind of stuff. But I do think in general, when people

have grown and changed and like shown who they are, you don't have to ask for it. You would have seen that. So you being like, okay, yeah, she's, you know, this was a long time ago that she did all this stuff i'm like did you ever apologize for doing that stuff like has she mended that aspect of your friendship or has it just been like carrying on like none of that ever happened because to me that is like there's no growth there and so i'm not holding you to the expectation of the standard of past you i'm holding you to the version of you that i know you've never introduced me to the new version if we're not spending much time together or our relationship like you know she's not doing the meanest things anymore but she's like still doing the making it mostly about

her kind of a thing i think that like i think in general a soft ghost is the best way to like gauge how you feel and it can be very abrupt for some people to just be like oh my god they just dropped off the face planet like i never hear from them again but like just being straight up and being like hey i cannot afford a 400 plane ticket like that's not gonna happen stuff's really busy with work and i i would i'm not gonna be able to do that and then the next time she calls like don't answer or don't call her back right away like give yourself some space and clarity of that too because it'll also help you make a better decision on do i want to say something to her and then also what why do you want to say something if you're trying to lessen the blow

and like there's it's gonna hurt no matter what if you're trying to get some like closure i don't know if she's gonna provide that to you at all i've done like a soft ghost of just like or like and anticipated goes of being like, hey, I need some like space. Like, I love you so much. This has been like hard or this has been a lot like I can't I can't do this right now. And then, you know, you come back and like things are good, but you need that kind of like space and clarity for this. And sometimes that space and clarity is quite literally just like ignoring phone calls and ignoring text messages and like not responding. And like, it's not great behavior. I've done it. I do it. And but at the end of the day, sometimes like sometimes I know if I'm going to

talk to you about it i'm gonna what i'm gonna say is not gonna be nice it's not gonna be nicer and like i would rather i'd rather not get into all that also because like not to be a bitch or whatever but sometimes you just don't think that or you know like there has been no evidence that they've shown you that they are going to either take it well or have grown or change to any of this and it's like it's it's a it's a moot point it's like so fucking useless like you already know how the conversation is gonna go you know how all this is gonna go down and so sometimes just avoiding that conversation is better because they can create whatever reality in their head because they're not going to accept the actual real reality which is hey you have we've grown apart

and you have not been a very good friend and the older you get the more you realize you can like look at friendships and see like oh this person was not treating me well and I thought they were but this is like a very normal common thing but I'm yeah I'm a big believer in like taking breaks to regroup and then figure out what you want to do all right uh let's take a break when we get We'll get into some more. on google play right from your center display explore onstar tech today at onstar.ca and discover how to take your summer to the next level onstar better never stops we're back it's time for the next i 22 she her just ended my relationship of four years

it's four-year relationships our lives are going in completely different directions and i just had a gut feeling that i needed to end things i'm post-grad and starting my career in another state and he decided after he graduates college he wants to join law enforcement and that is something that does not align with my morals future desires i also never felt like i was getting what i needed in the relationship in terms of being shown love despite communicating it many times. We have been with each other since we were 18 years old, all of college, but I knew deep down he was not my person for a while now. It was just a matter of walking away. I am looking for advice on how to move forward from this. I feel so guilty that I have hurt him and I'm grieving what was a very happy

four years. I am so proud of myself for choosing me. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've been following the podcast since the beginning, so any and all advice would be appreciated. I think it's just time you're going through a transitional period. You're done with school and now it's time to get into, I don't like to say the real world because college is real world for that time period but for the next phase of your life and I think moving forward you can't think of it as in moving forward away from him it's moving forward into that next phase in your life so what do you like to do do you have hobbies do you have things that like there are things that you always wanted to do and he never wanted to do it and you're like okay now I can do it because I

don't have this person nagging me in my ear. Do some self-care. Do some journaling. I'm not personally a journaling person, but some people like it. I like to get massages and lay in salt baths. So just just figure out what those things are. Try new things. Go look at your community like page and see what kind of activities are happening in your town for people around your age. what are your friends doing reconnect if there are times where your friendships like kind of fell off because he was always there or they had feelings about this guy sucked but we don't know how to tell her this can be the time to strengthen and rebuild your friendships because they probably always knew too and now they can say those things they can say those things that they always wanted

to say to you and faded breath yeah and then that shit will probably make you look at cathartic yeah it'll and you'll be like oh i can't believe i ever liked that guy i can't believe i'm mourning this like you'll yeah it'll help so much but also like don't beat yourself up and the fact that like it's harder to move forward because this person was in your life for a big chunk of time in a very significant time in your life that 18 to 22 year 22 year old like that is that is a big growing period of becoming an adult and figuring out who you are as an adult but like now that you don't have that school pressure like this is this is new this is new yeah it's gonna be an exciting time and um i'm excited for you i agree with all of that as someone who has like been a friend on

the periphery like it's obviously not the same as college but growing up in a really small town and like a very small community people date for a really fucking long time like lots of people date there's lots of like you know friend groups everybody's like with each other but then there are also people who like quite literally started dating in fifth grade and like broke up like our junior or senior year of high school like it's fucking a lot and there are have been ditched by friends any of that stuff i have never ever ever had any reaction other than like welcome with open arms to a friend who like we whether lost touch or even if i felt slighted or hurt that they picked their partner over that is so water under the bridge like i was so excited like so happy when

people like they and their relationships even if i liked the person and i'm just like oh my god like come over let's hang out like there is such a unfortunately I think sometimes in relationships not saying that you did this or ever intentionally did this but there's like a lot of shaming when people are single if a lot of other people in relationships or like oh I want to set you up with someone oh I feel bad for you or oh or whatever that kind of is and like then when that relationship ends feeling like that has been such a huge part of your identity is being in a relationship that it's like well I don't want to like go back to my single friends who like you know if they felt some type of way about you know me being all about relationships or whatever it's

not like that like it's it's it's such an ebb and a flow and to me i would say like reconnect even if it's with people that like you haven't talked to in a in a while like it doesn't have to be you have to find a new best friend or whatever but like just reconnect with anyone and kind of like view it how dating is where it's like get the training wheels like just start the things like even if it's something as simple as like starting a conversation with melissa hates this but starting conversation with like the person at the checkout line like like like just talking to like people who you seem like you want to be friends with are like oh you like someone's outfit or whatever and i would really focus on that in the sense of like making friends that way and not putting all

of your energy into your work and not make putting all your energy into making friends at work like there is so much about a relationship that is great and it's usually like a built-in best friend a built-in relationship uh you know a comfort all of that kind of stuff and unfortunately we can like shift that to other things so like you threw everything into work then you have this expectation on you from other people that like this is the level of burnout that you're going to be achieving because this is you want to throw everything into it or like okay well i can have my best friend at work and i'm at work there and maybe i can date someone there like spread sow your seed like spread it out in a way that like even something as simple as i think you said you're

did you say you're moving yeah starting your career in another state even something as simple as like find like having if you have a friend from high school or college or a friend of a friend someone's cousin who knows someone who lives in that same city and then just like meeting up for coffee like meeting up for like hanging out with that and like a friendship set up date kind of way I just think there's so many amazing opportunities for this and I would just encourage you to like build a healthy social life even if it doesn't rely on other people yet like even if it's just like going on a walk or like if you have a dog like taking a dog on a walk going to a coffee store going to a bookshop doing things where you're getting out of getting out of the

house and not throwing everything into work to just sort of build up that social aspect of your life that like maybe hasn't been as prominent for so long and then for me when I like have moved to places because I moved to LA like didn't really know many people like for me like I wasn't I was working so much and I I definitely I don't like totally regret that part of it but like I was in a very it was very different time period there was only people my age there were working like that was the only thing that what we were in school but when i didn't have a lot of friends like i would call my friends from back home and talk to them on the phone while i'm like out and about doing whatever so like i'm you're still getting that social aspect of it and it helps

you like you know build up that confidence so i think that this like melissa said this is really exciting time and knowing that this is like not who you would want to be and like i can't stress you the life of someone who started dating their boyfriend at 18 who then goes into law enforcement it's not a happy life like that's not a that's not the ending of it like and it's I'm so glad you know that but like that's just not doesn't work out well so I think that like knowing that about yourself is great and you've got so much more to you know learn and he might be upset and might be sad but it such as life like breakups happen and I think it's it's good to know when it's time to call it quits to keep growing and learning and he's not growing into someone that

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Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. I'm 18, a college freshman, and I'm in a tricky situation with a guy from down the hall, Chris. Before break, we were casual friends, and I even helped him pursue another girl. Since returning, it's clear he's interested in me. Last weekend, we both blacked out and hooked up. Not ideal.

We woke up with fragmented memories, and while I initially told him I remembered nothing, which was true then, I'm... I'm now recalling how truly awful this ex was. I want to end things, but he is so sweet. We have great conversations and he keeps asking to hang out. Each time I see him, I chicken out. I'm not attracted to him. I feel the quote unquote, we don't remember card is the cleanest way out before things escalate. My friends are split on whether I should give him a chance, but I need a definitive answer. Separately, I just ended a four-year relationship. Oh my God. I thought I wanted to end things, but he's obviously still interested in me and is always asking me to hang out. And

every time i see him i don't end it because he's so sweet and i love talking to him i'm just not very attracted to him and i feel like if i'm going to end it now would be the best time because we quote unquote don't remember having sex before it happens again everyone i've talked to is so split on whether i should give him a chance and i really needed a nice definitive answer love you both quite literally this never happened you don't remember it you don't remember and the mind is a powerful tool the thing is is if you are that far gone you can't even consent to having sex was he actually drunk too is my first question and you're not interested in this and so like it it didn't happen if you you it you don't have to remember it just because he's a nice guy doesn't

mean you need to be friends with somebody also doesn't mean you have to have sex even if he's a nice guy and you like talking to him doesn't mean you have to have sex you're not attracted to him no and like just because like oh well he's so nice and it's like okay the sex was bad and i didn't like it and i'm not attracted to him okay an acquaintance a colleague it can't even be a friend but also like you don't have any friends this guy either like no i think that your your friends who are saying anything besides this to me it's just like if they're women like girls you're very i mean they're young and they don't i don't think that they're completely grasping the severity of this situation well that's what i was gonna say that like i think not only shutting down

your friends who are saying that but then also being like you guys we don't have to do that like that's not how this works and like there like this is a very normalized behavior and like mindset to be and as like a young girl like it just is so fucking i've been there we've all it's very fucking common and i think that like it's you you we all benefit so much from when either women who more experienced than us or older than us or whatever like just like tell it to you fucking straight and i think that's what this is and it's not about like you know well this friend would do this and this friend would do this whatever it's hypothetical to that point it's all hypothetical it's not like an actual instance and an actual thing that's going on and at the end of the day

the reason why people those friends might be like you should do this it's because it's obligation of the patriarchy like it's just what that is and so calling that out by its name and like pointing it out there and not just like oh this makes me feel icky or whatever but like acknowledging like this does not make me feel good and like now that i've sat with this and like the idea that like i should continue to pursue this and like i don't think it's i think it's very odd that like we've both said that we don't remember and like he seemingly is okay with that and like we're just supposed to like keep talking moving on like this is like i just don't feel good about this and like i don't think like if any of you came to me and said this

i would be like i don't like that like that doesn't feel good and i i i really like i'm not gonna pursue this and like i think your friends will your friends will thank you when they end up in these situations because unfortunately most of the time people who have who can look at this um from like a that this is like not an okay thing and you you don't say less like you don't have to like you don't have to do any of this aspect of it or feel bad at all the people who are able to say that it's because they've learned they've come through the other side of it um and i think that like i i just i like wish i could give like a seminar to like young girls being like if you are not attracted to him if you don't like him that's a full set that's it there doesn't have

to be like even if he's hot even if he's popular even he's cool even if he's really nice to you like this idea that like don't like him yeah i don't like it and we don't do this with friends and that's what i really really really hate is that like we're supposed to be deemed as like so simultaneously like so tempting like you can't have your shoulders out camp tank tops like be careful of all these boys be careful all these boys but then like you know don't focus on boys don't focus on boys but then like the second that you get to a certain age it's like well this one likes you you can end up alone and it's this back like pull and push of this thing of like you cannot be tempting or desirable but at the same time if this person desires you probably

no one else is ever going to so you have to accept it and like that is just like such a the wrong rhetoric and you wouldn't hang out with someone who you didn't like and like as a friend you wouldn't want to spend time with them and like a romantic a romantic aspect should be a friendship plus more like it should be there should be all of that aspects to it there and it just screams of like insecurity and inexperience to me for people who are telling you that you should be giving him a chance and you like quite literally never have to talk to him again i'm gonna get very very very serious and what megan said everything she said was spot on and i'm just gonna take it a step further when i was in college we had to have these like training seminars about alcohol situations

and then also with me working with the track team i had to take these classes and passes tests about sexual harassment and according to both those things that i've done this would have been considered not just sexual harassment but because you had sex blacked out then this is rape at the end of the day this is rape whether he was drinking or not because you were blacked out you could not consent to this so therefore anybody that is okay with that this is not somebody you should be friends with nope and i i have never in my life of the good guys i have dated or have liked none of them would have hooked up with me had texted me well even while we were in a relationship while i was drunk black out drunk at that nope would never have would quite

literally never like it's never never never never never and i also like and i guess if we're gonna like very serious aspect of it i would ask yourself who who brought up the not remembering first because i don't think he doesn't remember yep and i wish this was like a totally uncommon thing i've been there like quite literally the best thing i ever did was pretend that person never exists like it was like don't know if i wouldn't make that decision sober if that is not like if that was not something that i went my night of this my sober planning of the night that was not on my bucket that was not what i was trying to do and that is the circumstance and the outcome that happened that was not what i consent to do and not what i was seeking or

looking for whatsoever i as a sober person i'm not fucking responsible for that person's feelings i'm not responsible i didn't ask for that i didn't look for that i wasn't wanting that that's not what the plan was that's not what i was into sometimes things happen and whether you however you view it in your own personal level of like comfort or however you handle that or whatever but at the end of the day anyone who's telling you that you need to consider his feelings for that he should feel so fucking gross and icky inside even if he had a crush on you he like would not be able to like pursue like this is not you don't pursue something off the heels of this and so as your memories are coming back because it seems like they might be slowly coming back

i know it's scary to think about but maybe sit with those memories and you can take with it from once like if they come back or even just what you have now take from it what you want to take from it and you can call what happened what you want to call call it but if you wanted to report this at some point you can and you should because what he did was not okay and it can even be the level of reporting in the sense of like you want to switch to a different hall you want him to switch to a different hall like you don't have to press charges against him but you there are i think a lot of people view it in extremes like there's only that this option or that option there's not that like there's there's even just telling your ra that you don't feel comfortable

being around this person like there are so many steps and things that you can do for that but you know even if you're friends with this person quote-unquote friends friendly nice conversationalist all that and you have felt that you can trust them definitely also go just get checked out to go to the doctor and even if this was not the circumstance going on a date with someone and then being guilt tripped like feeling guilt tripped into continuing because they're like a nice guy or whatever is like it's it's it's so toxic and you can hold it against your friends without a doubt but like it is it's like a really unfortunate like common mindset that we're put in as women and i think that you've got a really great opportunity to kind of like

put your foot down amongst your friends and then have them be like you know what you're right like that's not because i'm just you're regurgitating what you've heard or like all of these tropes and all this kind of stuff that like putting up with it is like not cute it's not like oh it's romantic it's not any of that and we often don't get the say in how we handle things when things happen and so when you do get that opportunity to do so do it for you don't do it for like the voices of what other people are saying and i implore you as you're processing this to go talk to your school counselor the therapists that are available to you and they can talk you through everything you can talk to them as much as you want about everything that happened and help you to continue

to process this all right let's take a break in toronto every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at CadillacCanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. we're back and we have an update i'm fucking ready for this so this is an update from the

person who wrote it about the boyfriend's dad house paying mortgage that one hi thank you for the advice i do really appreciate it and really to help to solidify in my mind that this is kind of a fucked situation i did want to clarify that the savings account thing because i don't want you both to think that I'm that complete of an idiot. Our mortgage is $2,300. My boyfriend pays $875. I pay $875 and our roommate pays $750. Each month, this money gets deposited into a bank account every month that my boyfriend and his dad are on. His dad views the bank account as his bank account, but my boyfriend's name is technically on it. The $2,300 mortgage comes out of there and there is a 20% profit each month. The house is in a trust. All the parents' assets will go

to the trust. My boyfriend also has a sister and their parents have a document that basically dictates who gets what from the trust. The $750 that I pay in rent right now is affordable to me, meaning that I'm able to save a little bit and I feel relatively comfortable. Same with my boyfriend. If the two of us just paid the same mortgage ourselves, we could probably do it, but we would not be saving anything and the money would be a lot tighter. With this information in mind, I feel like moving out and having him rent to somebody else is still an option. This is kind of what I want to do, but it will really make my boyfriend's dad mad and will just be stressful to deal with. In addition, all of our furniture is also quote-unquote house size, so we'd have

to sell a lot and buy smaller things, and we do a lot of outdoor stuff, so we have a lot of gear that's hard to store in an apartment, which could be inconvenient but not impossible. But after hearing what you said and thinking about it a different way, I could probably propose that my boyfriend and I should pay less money in rent, $100 less per month, and we just save that money in our accounts. Is there anything you see that I'm not thinking about here? Does that sound like a good idea? I feel a little silly asking if you think that's a good idea, but you framed everything in a way that I hadn't thought about before, and I really appreciate your advice. I asked people I trust in my life about what i should do and i haven't really gotten good advice so thank you

so so much oh so kind so nice i think it's a great idea uh-huh you've got a little bit more money extra a little bit more money um every month it's going directly into your own savings account but also like i don't like as far as like your boyfriend having to pay more or less if he can afford what he's paying then it's fine because this will eventually be his house right yes it sounds like the boyfriend does not have a close relationship like he doesn't want to rock the boat at all how old is dad like because i think that like this like tiptoe kind of game of like he's gonna like boyfriend's dad will be very mad and they're all this kind of stuff that's fair that's fine he's allowed to have feelings allowed to be mad he's allowed to be

difficult he's got the money he's got the trust how much of that do you want to put up with because if he's a young dad there's going to be a lot of strings on this money that like because he's not getting it until he dies so it's like can you handle that you know like it's it's a means to an end but like at what point does that fuck with your sanity a little bit so i think that the putting it into an account is like not a bad call at all i am wondering why the roommate pays less yes are they in a smaller room that's what i have to assume but it's not half the it's less than like yeah that's not like an equitable split really which is fun like again it's that's if it's not hard for you like and you know it's fine i guess but like it's just i'm i have questions

about that part of it too because you know a lot of times people like try as couples will try and like live with a roommate because like as a couple you pay less because there's two of you using the same room and the same whatever so i'm a little curious about that i don't think it's like necessarily a bad thing maybe one of you has an office that you work from home and so you use that part of it but i think that like you know if you're doing the taking the money and putting it x y and z wherever then i do think that you need to have that in writing with your boyfriend and i do think that you should have it in your own separate account i don't think you should share that account with him nope it should be your own account unless your name is also on the trust

that's what i was about to say and then here's the other part you either like depending on how much time and money and effort and all the stuff you're going to put into this because the issue is like when you have this aspect of it riding on the relationship it puts a strain on your relationship too and you're going to have to like deal with like the in-law stuff before you usually would have to because there's just they're just they have their hands in more stuff and i if it me i need a return on investment like so i either need a ring i need us to get married or i need my name on that trust but like i'm not going to put up with your i'm not going to put up with this with hopefully an engagement in the future like that's just so i do think at that point like

and i don't know if you're not if you're ready for that or not but if you're not ready for that then i think you just need to view this as this is just a landlord this is just my landlord and this is rent and then that's it yep if you don't want to ever like marry this person or like this is your forever person then you just have to think about this as i'm paying rent and that's it and then this is for him this is a different i think you're doing too much thinking as of you two as a couple as a couple but you're in an unfair situation here because this will be his thing that he eventually inherits not yours it will be his regardless if you're a couple or not if you are not a couple this will not be yours and so that's fine like i'm i'm a big believer in like

yeah you shouldn't be putting money and investing into those things that like you get nothing in return for unless you're not ready for that commitment in which case then you're not ready to be on the deed for this you're not ready to do any of that kind of stuff you can't have it both ways either the relationship is to the level of which is again fair that you're like i don't want to put this money in like this feels icky i'm just paying landlord all of that kind of stuff he's either your landlord or he's like your father-in-law he's and there's got to be something there and i think like if you are ready to take that next step in the relationship and like get this more formal documentation and he's hesitant or his family's hesitant run yep yep

so yeah i thank you for breaking all that down for us and i'm going back to what megan said about the uh roommate paying less if you two are sharing a room then it's you shouldn't be paying a third of the rent more they're paying 850 they're paying 750 yeah that's so so it needs to be you should think about it being paid by room so the roommate should be paying more even if your room is bigger there's still two of you that are in one room in one space only if there's an office that you are using and that is just yours or if there's like uh things parts of the house that they don't have access to like garage or garage or like how you guys work in the whatever you say what did they say they were doing working in the yard yeah but yard is a i would say like a like a

deck that attaches from your room like things that like are you know very specific to specific that only you have access to but otherwise they should be paying more than that that's not fair for you yeah the the primary bedroom will cost more but it will not cost more while it's also being split it will cost more but it will cost less individually because you're splitting that cost so like let's say if you were doing it by room like y'all were paying a thousand dollars for your room and then the roommate was paying 800 for their room you should only be paying 500 apiece yeah that's exactly it and i think that like i don't know i would also ask yourself is the mortgage actually $2,300.

Yeah. Because that is, it is a weird, it's a weird breakdown number for what you and your boyfriend are paying. That why is, why is, specifically in the case for the dad, why is the dad charging a roommate more than, charging his son more than he's charging a roommate?

That makes me think that maybe he's overcharging more than just $200. All right. Well, hope that helps. Let us know if you want any more advice. Yeah. We're always here. And again, I don't think you should deal

with in-law problems without in-law money. That's the end of the episode. It is. We hope you all enjoyed. And don't forget to write and call and submit. We've got that Google sheet. That's Melissa said it's in our Instagram bio now. And you can fill out,

you can also fill out if you have an update. You want to be like, hey, I have an update, like we love to talk about. Sorry, I just was possessed by the ghost of RFK. And- Junior. so sorry that is a very good distinction to make yes yes yes and he is still with us oh not

also not all parts of it physically some gone to the worms ish and um yeah so we would love to hear from you with you know whether it's updates or you need some advice and we can help you out with that we've got a patreon you can watch a video version and you can also leave a review for the podcast anywhere i mean really apple podcast spotify we love it we love to hear it get the merch and stay tuned for the rest of the shows that we have coming out for you this week tune in tomorrow for pissing friday monday for but am i wrong tuesday for see you next tuesday wednesday you're just catching up thursday we'll be back here for don't blame me and everybody wish melissa happy birthday in two days goodbye

this is a sister sign production hosted by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso