Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Chain-Gate

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Mini Update: Comparing careers with your partner Reaching out to a couple you're no longer close to Friend has been secretly talking to a guy she's been encouraging you to date Making sacrifices for a long distance relationship Working with a verbally abusive boss Don't Blame Them: Asking for time off for vacation Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome to another episode of don't blame me where we your two favorite people with the first initial m give you advice that changes your life for better or for worse we like to think for better it's for better i think it's for worse it's only temporarily for worse because you're like pissed off that we gave you the advice you actually needed to hear and then like a couple years you're like okay you were right yeah it's uh enriching we're enriching people's lives and sometimes with enrichments it takes a little long to bake that goodness inside of it so would you say that people who are listening to this podcast in their car they're having enrichment in their enclosure yes they are let us know in their ears if they're wearing

headphones just in close in there your skin suit is your enclosure too meta i can't think about that too much well this is a podcast where we give you fantastic advice and if you'd like to participate in upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast.gmail.com and you can also slide into our dms so for the audio version it needs to be under three minutes you need to we ask that you write everything down practice it a couple times make sure it's timed out under that three minutes you include all the relevant information and then for the written version keep it under 300 words again that is the same email address as the voice memos or to our instagram dms and

then the requirements for everybody is agent or over have your parents permission and include as many details as possible we always want your age that's one that we're always going to like beg and be determined for also join our patreon to watch Melissa have her full body chills and I've been the way the last couple days I've been doing it so often that mom's just kissing this look being like are you sure you're okay and i'm like it just happens i don't know why i just it just happens so um yeah we need all of that info you can let us know your pronouns if you would like but just know that like if you don't give us all the information we can't give you the best possible advice so it's a win-win situation if you give us all the deets because

here's the thing we i always want to be on your side it's an unfortunate day when we're not yeah i can't always be on every no we can't always be on your side but sometimes you don't include the information that solidifies us strongly on your side and then we start having questions and then we're like oh and then we find out like oh no it's this and it's like oh okay well so so on your side so help us help you help us help you help you help us help you well this is that she thinks it's going to be a really great episode i am feeling a little loopy i have allergy eyes i do you want to know what time i went to sleep here's the thing it's either gonna be 4 a.m or 4 p.m yesterday you were correct the first time

well i was gonna say we did text pretty late i woke up on the couch and texted you back and then went back to sleep yeah um i'm on my period which makes me extra tired tired so i did sleep a lot during the previous day and then couldn't sleep last night the eyes the whites of your eyes are so white i put drops oh my god i was like first of all my no solidarity in my allergy sister i'm over here my eyes are barely open but mine are i'm getting that burning in the middle part so they're not they're they're open but it's a false sense of openness i'm still jealous and like you have betrayed me you should put drops in i don't think i can put those ones with lasik but maybe you can they had they make sums that that you can yeah maybe i don't know about the

white ones i know there's like a certain like some gradient i don't know they moisturize them enough it's not the ones that i use are isn't um they're not the kind that like it's not specifically for oh whitening your eyes it's just a byproduct of them being moisturized because i'm an eye drop bitch constantly in my eyes eye drops every day i've sent them to you in the past you're saying this as if i'm not someone who constantly forgets things yeah but when i sent them it would have been years it was when my eyes like locked down pandemic my eyes were couldn't see anything yeah and i got those it's the ones that the kind that's for like people that are looking at screens all day oh that sounds enticing yeah

hop that link over to me a little more times okay anything you want to get into before we oh i guess promote the patreon so you can see the really white melissa's like incredibly white eyes you're don't do that i really don't like that i really that's the difference between your eyes and my eyes we have similar shaped eyes my eyes can't get that wide like they they cannot that was too much so yeah join the patreon you can live stream with us we hang out make friends um and you can also watch the video version of the podcast all right we have a um sort of update but they're going to uh give us a um bigger update later is from last week's episode the dancer the dancing couple it sounds like a like a painting like a renoir the dancing couple the dancing couple if

you look at her instagram it's very artistic so okay i'll start thank you so so much for answering my write-in this week and this week's don't blame me i'm the sensitive dancer lol i'm gonna to re-listen because I'm in shock that the Megan and Melissa have given me advice. But the bits that have sunk in make me feel so seen and you're both just the best. I'm going to play it for my boyfriend when we're together. We're mid slash long distance, hence the relationship check-ins. And he listens when I'm at his because I basically play the pause all the time. I'm going through the archives at the moment to make sure i've listened to every episode so your voices are the soundtrack to my life and his thank you again so much you truly are wonderful human beings that is so nice

that's so nice you can skip like the first 15 episodes thank you so much for that and i'm looking forward to the the update to the update and you're a lovely dancer you are i just don't I like your Instagram. Me too. I like your hair. All right. Should we get into the first one? Yeah.

Hi, ladies. I always have to read it like that. I'm a 28-year-old female. Was she her pronouns? So I was in a group of friends a few years ago. It was a group of six, three couples. All of our husbands grew up together, and the three of us just clicked. I don't like where this is going to go.

We went on couples trips together and had a good time. So around Christmas, we saw a shift with one of the couples. Myself and my husband and the other couple noticed it as well. So for Christmas, we all got each other Christmas gifts. Well, that one couple who started acting off was the only couple without kids, so their budget was bigger than ours and the other couple. From the vibe they give off after the gifts arrive, we all lived in different cities, they weren't happy with their gifts from any of us.

We noticed a shift but didn't think anything of it. So fast forward, we were planning a surprise birthday trip for my husband. We picked out a lot of Airbnbs in the city we were going to. Or B&Bs. Bed and breakfast? Or... I don't know which one, one of those we were going to that were pretty, that were price conscious.

We're more concerned with the experience than an over-the-top Airbnb and the ones we chose were still nice. So as we were about to make the deposit, they back out and say, this isn't the trip for them, in quotations. So my husband and I and the remaining couple moved some things around and decided to do the trip in the city that the couple is actually from. Not to hang out with them, but because it is a city familiar to all of us and we know places to stay and things to do.

So we did hotel since it was just four of us. Well, they came up to the hotel before we left to go out and things were weird. She was acting very standoffish. And as the night went on and the drink started flowing, things started to feel normal again. So we had a good time and thought everything went well. Well, we came back and my husband forgot to give her husband back a necklace. He suggested that he borrow the night before. Mind you, we live four hours away.

So we overnighted the necklace because she threw such a big fit over it as if we took the necklace on purpose. after that group message it had all died down and they don't really talk to us anymore the other couple remaining in us were still very close recently me and the other girl were talking about reaching out to see how she is is it dumb it's literally been years but she has been heavy on both of our minds any advice would be great we all now refer to the situation as chain gate i love when people like name things in their lives like that i know first of all the fact that you've gone years without trying to figure out what the fuck happened i could never like i need to know are you i but you also would just ghost too no but i would at least stalk to be

like oh what's happening like why did you guys do this like like to figure out not what's happening in her life but like what happened with the friendship because like can i say what vibes it's giving me it's giving me like husband and or wife or both of them like accuse them of like having a crush on another person who's there like it's just getting weird like and they made it weird because of that i think it's they outgrew each other financially because they have more disposable income than the couples with money and they want to stay and do things that aren't that are not in the price range of the other two couples and they didn't want to be wherever they ended up being and then the necklace was kind of just like a an excuse to get out i think you're

right because i didn't pick up on until you said that that the quote-unquote this isn't the trip for them was like this place is dingy i didn't realize that that's because yeah and then you're right the necklace ties into being like we have money and you don't and it feels like you know you just want the benefits of our money and not to put the rest of it forward which i just i also think it's a little weird for one husband to be like you should wear her necklace or was it the guys bought using the necklace i think it's the guys oh okay that's not weird then but yeah i just think that y'all outgrew each other sometimes it happens and it's unfortunate but uh if they actually cared about you they'd still care like if i'm that close with friends i should still care

about like their children i want to know what they're going through they don't care about you yeah i guess like why do you want to reach out like is it like do you want to be nosy do you want to see if she'll respond or like do you want closure yeah because i think you're right like kids now and then that might change things for in their perspective are they still like without kids or like what what what are you trying to get out of this yeah because like if she just says like oh i'm amazing how are you and you're like good and it's like okay bye yeah we'll talk to you again another 15 year but yeah i don't think it's dumb but i think if it weighs heavily on your mind like you figure out what outcome you're looking to get out of it and then like let's say that's not the

outcome you have is it worth the effort like is it that will put an emotional like will put a toll on you yeah if it doesn't have the outcome that you want or is it like no skin off your back and like it just rolls right off. I had a friendship breakup and, um, the person really, I, I, I truly never would have been friends with them if we didn't have a mutual friend in common. And then that mutual friend moved away and then things got weird. And she reached out to me last year. I played you that weird, creepy voicemail. She left me voice message. It wasn't even a voicemail, was a voice memo and I listened to it and I was creeped out and then that was it so just be prepared that you might not get a response yeah I'm not saying that you would leave a creepy message

but like I did not want to be friends with that girl and so I didn't respond back yeah and she also like might be mad at you still and like I don't think you did anything wrong so like it's just about like what are you prepared for because like I'll be frank sometimes like I kind of like poking the bear and i'm like let's see what happens like this could be fun but if like there's like a oh there are things that she could say that would hurt my feelings steer clear yeah good luck let us know what happens yeah chain gate i love i actually i would like just moving forward i would love if people do these things in their life like they have things like me and my friends have heard of this is blah blah include it like i love it give me a little name it'll really help me too

an update so remember like remember chain gate i'm like love it also like if you have nicknames for people that you have them saved in your phone that you're like no longer actually talking to but that that's the name that you gave them so then when it pops up it's a reminder of i don't want to talk to this person let us know what that nickname is did you see that video of the woman who found out on paperless post that like if you clicked like invite all it invited us and now they've changed the whole format and they were like so sorry that that had to be um that had to happen in order for these changes to be terrifying like anthony angry face shitty land like mine i literally have one of my first ones because it starts the a is agent from hell which

is like one of my first agents i ever had me and my friend had this dude called long bangs because his it had nothing to do with the hair on his head his pubes were like long and it looked like you could just like wisp it over like just i never even thought it had to do with his head because i was like boys don't have bangs it's somewhere else that hair is somewhere else justin beaver hair from a swoop the the odds and so it was like a swoop and so that's when we would see him we just go swoop i bet that man is a dyson air wrap i bet he's i bet he swoops out every day now wow swoop and he had no clue what we're talking about we are gonna take a quick break think about the swoop in your life

and we'll be right back. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display

and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at CadillacCanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for Calendar Year 2025 for the Cadillac Definition of Luxury. And we're back, and it's time to get into some of the rest. all right hi megan melissa i've been a loyal listener for over six years i'm 25 she her and i'm writing because of a situation with a close friend let's call her chloe 25 she her chloe and

i became fast friends a couple years ago when we joined a non-profit as volunteers we shared a lot including my insecurities about guys not being interested in me which has affected my confidence We share similar views on community impact, so we ran for chair, me, and vice chair, her, and won. Last year, we met two guys from the same organization but different chapter city at a national summit. I hit it off with one, Marcus, and Chloe with the other, Peter. Peter got a girlfriend recently, and I continued texting with Marcus sporadically. Chloe teased and encouraged me to make a move when we saw Marcus again. At this year's summit, Chloe and Marcus started talking a lot and kind of disappearing together.

When I asked Chloe about it, she assured me I was imagining things. Two months ago, he returned to the summit and things were weird. Last night, Chloe told me she's been talking to Marcus this whole time and he's planning to visit her from his town five hours away. She didn't explain much, which I guess is valid. I told her I was hurt and confused, but happy for her and would try to get over it as it never was more than a silly camp like crush, I guess. How would you handle this situation? Keep in mind, I have over a year left with her as my co-chair and we need to remain civil.

Thank you. I would kill her because we can be civil when you're dead, bitch. I went to one of the church events that I would go to. I think this was a Bahama one. But there's this guy that my friend was into, but like he was more into me and he kept asking about me. And then she just was like, do you want to talk to her instead? And then like I was like, I'm not talking to him because you were interested. That's how friends should.

That's how it should go. Like you, if one likes the other and you shouldn't be behind their back, encouraging them to like go after this dude when she's been talking to him the whole fucking time. you can't trust this bitch and i don't know what your non-profit is for but is it about good people because i also wouldn't trust her there like no this is in charge of money i don't trust her oh my god i didn't even think of that like this is diabolical because it's like she's watching you and like then talk about it and then be like oh my god it's like nothing to then come back so then she like and then tell you like oh yeah we've been talking this whole time he's gonna come visit me in five months like this isn't like a oh you found out all of this stuff and she like finally came

clean it's like she was so intentionally leading you to believe one thing so then she could drop the bomb on you that's the other like that's fucking weird like that's such weird behavior this girl is not your friend no it's giving like um it's like the premise of like the other girl who like becomes obsessed with you and like wants to wear your skin kind of a thing it's like that's what the vibe is giving yeah i know no no like there's one and then yeah yeah i know exactly what you're talking about with uh is it layton meester and no that's one that's based on the other one oh i'm saying like it's literally a premise i don't even know what the original one is but like it's that and that's what this like vibe is kind of giving that it's like

she always had this like that you've been in competition in this sense and like i don't ever want people to be like necessarily like jaded or whatever but i do think as someone who is like a chronic over share i'm not like an emotional like close to people kind of share like even my close friends are like bitch like you you do not divulge emotional things i do which makes us the perfect pair yeah but it's kind of like i do my i deal with my own shit and then like we can talk about later we can like laugh or whatever but like i just don't do that with other people yeah and like that's not despite the fact that we do it's not necessarily like a good thing it usually comes from being the oldest sibling or it comes from being like an only child emotional whatever it

is you're like i can count on myself and i'll let everybody else in who i can count on later but like i'm i gotta get the day one stuff figured out sorry i dropped my pen so i don't want you to like lose the fact that like you are so open and like vulnerable with like friends and stuff but like advice to everybody be if you're gonna be like a overshare i'm like that it needs to be stuff that like does not have the power to hurt you until someone has proven that they they can be with that information because that shit's nasty like that's like a that's like a vile like twisted creepy thing to fucking do so honestly how i i mean i i would like handle this situation also by the way you saying this like a silly camp like crush for salt

camp crushes are not silly they're so silly but they're not silly like it's like you take that shit so seriously if someone like hooked up with my camp crush like i would have lost my fucking mind if that man went to my high school would i have had feelings for him no it was camp goggles but that doesn't fucking matter but also it's just the fact that she's been talking to them this whole fucking time no and like the fact that like you trying to downplay to make oh she's like a silly camp crush like but you met him the same way she met him like this is not nothing yes and she knows it's not nothing not you call her but like chloe knows it's not nothing and like yeah this just so be civil with her fine in the meetings if you can find something some loophole

in the bylaws of this group kick her out and get another co-chair um but just be civil there she does not need to be your friend outside of this i would be to the point of being like chloe i know i said i was happy for you but i was like a little bit confused i take it back i think you're incredibly spooky and i i'm not interested in being within your orbit so you do your thing i'll do mine and if she like tries to talk to you i don't know how tall she is or how tall you are but act like you are seven feet taller than her and just like did someone hear that like oh no like literally don't even give her the time of day like the pleasantries of it all as she walks up to the group that you're in you can just smile and say oh excuse me i've got to go take a call

like don't let her think that like other people should know that you are like oh yeah they're not close right you don't have to keep up appearances in that sense bitch literally what a fucking bitch like the way i would i did see a tiktok um someone talking about people in the bay area like the first thing you'd go to is like i have to fight them and like the way that my mind initially went to violence and i was just like i have to push her down a flight of stairs i was thinking about just a right hook right into her cheek i and you do right hook i'll do a nice little uppercut honestly it should be switched based on our heights but no potential never expected yeah yeah yeah that one-two punch exactly turn off descent she goes damn whoa whoa

well fuck chloe and please give us an update because i just know that something sinister is gonna go on like she's not gonna stop here yeah like what else is she doing like imagine starting messing your volunteer work i know like you're not getting paid to be there you don't even have to be there you're opting in to do this and then it's just opting in but you're the co-chair like you're you sit on a committee yeah what are the morals and ethics clauses of these positions all right next one hi megan and melissa i'm writing in for some relationship advice i'm 32 years old she hurt and i've been with my boyfriend for just over a year we have a really great relationship our only issue is that we're long distance we have to fly to see each other

but we've been able to maintain a relationship because i travel to his province hello canadian sometimes for work and his whole family lives where i live we've gotten to the point where it's only getting more difficult being apart and it feels like we can't progress our relationship without moving to the same place i was covering a maternity leave for work until november so we started talking about me moving in with him either this summer or in the fall since my work was only a contract and he had just gotten a promotion and would like to stay at his job for a couple more years where he's working towards a major event a few months ago i was offered a permanent position by my boss that's kind of my dream job coach for a sport that i've been involved in

for my whole life. I talked to my boyfriend and I accepted it because I only had two days to accept or decline. So I kind of felt like I had to. I cried the day I accepted the job because I was so looking forward to planning and moving in with him. And now it felt like I was pushing that farther away. In my twenties, I would have never considered giving up any kind of opportunity for a partner, but I feel like with my age and where I am in my life and other priorities, I want kids, et cetera. I also don't want to lose my boyfriend. And while he has been very understanding, I feel very bad that I've kind of changed all of our plans. We have a whole month together coming up and we said we'd figure out a plan

or at least a timeline during that time since we're both struggling with the distance. There is the possibility that I could get some part-time coaching work where he lives, but I do worry about walking away from this job and never getting a similar opportunity again. Ultimately, I just don't know what to do.

I really appreciate any advice or guidance you give me. First question, is he feeling the same way because he valued his career opportunities over dropping that and moving and starting over in a kind of different position than you did and you're very much struggling with it i think both of you made the right calls but i wonder how much he questions if he made the right call or how much guilt he is feeling because i think if

he's not feeling as much as you i would be wary that like why then is it the default that you would be the one who derailed the plan you know what i mean like the plan was in his favor before and then you got essentially the same opportunity he got but later it like i if you wouldn't have expected him to like drop everything and move to where you are i don't think it can be expected for you to drop things and move to where he is another thing i would say is that like i am the big believer in like yes you have to put work into relationships but the sacrifice of relationships is not is for the common good not for an individual's good like i don't think a sacrifice you make in a relationship is leaving your dream job like i think a sacrifice you make in a

relationship is both of you being in a city that maybe you don't love but it's equal distance to whether your work or your families or those things it's like a sacrifice on both people's parts it's not like one person giving up a ton of stuff for the other um because that puts like a lot of undue pressure on the relationship to be like well i gave up x y and z for this so i just think that like if you have to give up and sacrifice a ton for a relationship like a year in maybe that's me being like superstitious or whatever but like i don't think that's the relationship and i think like if you have to make these acquiesces or whatever like if you have to kind of rearrange these things to get what you want in the end which

in this case you said is kids why is it you making the sacrifices and not him like because at that point then i think it's you're not viewing it as this is the relationship versus this is the relation like this is where i'm at and i want to make this relationship work for me for where i'm at and what I want in my life. And I think that there are people who are nearby you who will be at the same place in their life, who are ready for what you're ready for, who don't require these kinds of sacrifices. First of all, congratulations for your job. Like I know that finding a coaching job, a full-time coaching job is very difficult. One of my close friends, she had one and then she moved for her it's actually a very similar situation actually

she moved for her relationship and then she hasn't been able to get another coaching job like it's very hard um i i would say stay i'm like stay where you're can he is his job more commendable where they have more opportunities for him to be closer to you like is that a possibility have y'all talked about that can y'all talk about that when you meet next month is there a way that you can do he can do remote you physically have to be there for your job is there a way that he can do remote or is there a way for him to find something else but like it's just hard. I would say like, stay in your job and get that experience. And like, if this is a person you're meant to be with another year, isn't going to hurt anything, like get the experience under

your belt and then try and see if like you can apply, if, if that's the place you want to move, if like after a year thing you can apply, but like, like I said, it's like really hard to get those kind of jobs and is that something that you're willing to sacrifice is that something he's willing to sacrifice i just after y'all have your call next month i would like you to do an update because this is this is it's it's tough and unfortunately we live in a society where you have to choose sometimes between work and love and i just i hope for you i hope the best for you no matter what the outcome is yeah i agree with all of that and like i think that like melissa said there's a really big difference between you getting this job and like monster's a friend who

does like athletic coaching and like they're in a state and like when they found out where they were and i was like are they from there and i was like no that's where he got the job and like yeah he had to make the life there and like he didn't none of their friends lived there and like he had to start a whole new life there and there's a huge difference between that and then someone getting a promotion at their job and then wanting to stay a little longer until they get to like an x point or whatever that kind of goal post will always keep moving and i think if kids are a priority for you and settling down in that way is a priority for you you should be with someone who it's a priority for them too because if they're gonna pick work and prioritize work over that

which i don't think there's anything wrong with you can't prioritize family while he prioritizes work because he will always prioritize work while you prioritize family and you will just resent each other like it just won't work out how you want it to and he might not even be ready to have kids soon because he's like oh no I want to wait till I'm done with this promotion and you're like so I gave up my career and like my opportunity for this which is what I thought we were going to get to do but like you're not ready for this yet and then it becomes everything's kind of on his timeline and I will also say that like I know you said your 20s you would never do this but you're in your 30s now everyone I know in their 30s who it was single by the time like in their

30s are still dating the ones who have ended up married met their person within five days for like this is who I'm marrying they were on the same page with everything they had kids pretty quickly they got married very quickly like it was just like the friends I had who were like I'm ready to be a mom they found people who were ready to be dads like they were ready for that at that point and it might seem hard because it could all I don't know how much of a shift it's been for you suddenly like it happens for some people where it's like oh this might it really reprioritized everything to know that like every man and every person you want to be with doesn't think the same way that he does it isn't a a hurdle you'll have to incur in every relationship and it can be hard

to kind of take a step back and realize like oh the sacrifices I'm making here aren't necessarily the sacrifices I have to make in a relationship it's not a given it's just the one here and like does that help me achieve what I want and like does he want what I want at the end of the day but yeah I think like once is that like talk to him about it and I think bring up the idea of like you know I can't move now because of this what would like your team be like would they let you do remote work where essentially you can do half of like do a month remote a month in office a month remote like something like that or can they let you do finish off the year remotely like whatever it is but i think if he's not willing to sacrifice any of that that will become a pattern

and i don't think you want to have kids with someone like that yep but let us know i'm very curious how this goes and i hope the best for you and congratulations on your job that's like that's like very impressive all right we're going to take a break and get back we'll get into the wrist and we are back it is time for our next one hi so some information for m19 i'm like a little bit sensitive, and I'm a Sagittarius, if that's helpful. I'm also an Enneagram 8 wing 9. That says a lot about me. So my call is concerning my workplace. I love my job, and I love what I do. I want to be vague, but I'm like a physician's assistant. I love my job because it is like a half mile away from where I live, and I work two jobs, and it's quite literally a two-minute walk

for my second job. I'm taking a gap year and I intend on keeping my jobs for when I go back to school, but I'm having an issue with my workplace. The doctor I work with is legitimately, I want to say verbally abusive. I don't want to be dramatic, but he's not very nice. We've had problems with him calling people like slurs, just like berating people. He will like slam tables. I'm not exaggerating. And I just don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to my boss about it. And he just told me that's just how he is. That's just how the doctor is. And I know that I'm probably not going to find another opportunity like this again, because not a lot of places want to hire a 19-year-old. And I'm also not going to find a job that's just convenient for me. It allows me

to have a second job and gain more hours shadowing the doctor. So I just don't know what to do. do you guys think it's worth talking to the doctor about or my boss again a lot of my co-workers have been affected by it and there's some people in the past who have quit because of it I just don't know if I should quit and just try to find another place or just suck it up and take it he's taken a liking to me for some reason and isn't that mean to me and whenever he's rude to me I just leave the room but then he just like profusely apologizes and then doubles back and does it again to somebody else later and i kind of what they would send any advice would be helpful and please let me know if my cry baby wanted me to bitch or something thank you so much love y'all he's nice

too because you're 19 i was in a similar situation to this it was an internship where this man was an asshole to everyone but me for reasons because he wanted to fuck me and pretty much told me when it was coming up on my last days, he said, if he was younger, then I would have been on his list. He was a fucking weirdo. I tell you this as someone who's experienced this, because I still think about that man more than I want to think about him. And it has been over 10 years since i worked for him get out because it's not going to get any better i understand that like it's convenient for you but it's not convenient for your mental health if you are able to find another job that you know works the same hours that work with the other job and you don't have to worry

about like certain things please please please for your own mental sanity get out yeah i agree with all of that yeah and it's only gonna get worse and it's only gonna get worse by proxy of you like being near like this behavior but it's only gonna get worse for you because the same reason you're like no one else is gonna hire me who hires a 19 year old yeah who does hire a 19 year old someone who like you kind of get to be the exception to the rule and you get used to how he berates people and even if it doesn't feel like sexual to you right now like there is a power there that is inherently sexual in his eyes and he doesn't have to be attracted to women for that to be the thing like it doesn't matter like there is a sexual appeal of having power over someone

that you that is young or you view as young and impressionable and then watching them stick around for it like it's it's really demoralizing and people get off on that and i think because you're even questioning like i couldn't get this job anywhere else i would question like not to say that that discounts any like how good you are or whatever it is but if you could not get this job anywhere else and it's not it's a job that's a physician's assistant like there are so many doctors like this isn't like a rare job then looking at like well i couldn't get this anywhere else a bring your confidence up but also b if this is the only job like this i could ever get am i going to be able to withstand this like am i going to be able like am i going to like pursue

a career in this like like how long can i see myself doing this this is going to turn me up from the entire medical field in general and also like why do i think that i don't have what it takes like is it because there's a part of me in my brain who thinks that he picked me there because he likes me like is this do i am i attributing my success to him there i think 19 is incredibly young to be a physician this is like that's pretty fucking young and i think like with love i don't think you should be hired lots of other places because i don't think if they didn't hire you other places for this at this age i think it'd be like she's this is far too young like this is like it could be a wonderful exception to the rule but i just don't think that this is a gig

that you it has like fallen in your lap and you're so lucky and you need to like thank your lucky stars for this whatsoever and i think that i don't know what it is for this but like i don't know what the age is of the patients he sees but like i'm pretty sure even as a physician's assistant you're a mandatory reporter so if he's like being verbally abusive to he's using slurs i think specifically minors because i don't know if mandatory reporter is for adults too is it i don't know in my i might and i might be wrong it might be a different word but i know like i always know manager mandatory reporter in the sense of behavior towards minors and even if the minors are in the office even if they're just overhearing whatever that is i think if like

you've already having not said anything i don't think necessarily to him but like who can you report him to like who is the board for any of that like who does he work for a hospital like or even just the medical board because this is an ethics complaint so i think there should be something i don't know the specifics of this but maybe asking someone who doesn't necessarily work at your the place you work but someone that's more seasoned they may know the answers or even you can just call and just say i have in a complaint i'm not sure if this is the right place that i need to call you will probably still be out of a job and i think you should call and leave yes and and and that's like you should not be in this situation and also this man should not

be seeing patients no and like I would make sure that when I leave I also collect any information that I have on the circumstances that have happened and leave reviews on patient sided websites of people who can see who are like booking appointments with that like when I went to my shitty rheumatologist who was like nowhere near this bad I didn't look at reviews but afterwards Melissa looked at reviews and she's like shit this is like pretty much exactly the experience that you had but i think it's important to protect your mental health and your physical and mental well-being and the fact that you're like wanting to say something to him and hoping that he can stop it you also know that this behavior is really harmful for other people

and so i think like you owe it to other people to report him to his board whatever that is and you owe it to yourself to leave and to warn people who are going to try and work for him like no this man's bad this place has a bad turnover rate too so there are other people that feel the same way that you do maybe you can even like find out who those people are and if something happens then like blasting like who this man is and i'm sure other people come forward sometimes it just takes one person if you feel like mentally capable to be able to handle that then whistle blue yeah and i would say if you're also in a single party consent state uh before you report it if you can record audio or video of it happening don't post it publicly but give if you

can use that for your case to report him because yeah he should not be practicing horrible and you're not sensitive at all like this is if anything i think you're underreacting yes yes if you were sensitive you would have been out of there and you wouldn't have called us you just would have quit and been done yeah well it is time for don't blame them which is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call that we had on a previous episode so they might have personal experience that they have lived through they have had a friend go through it or they have professional experience it's in their field so let's see hi i'm calling for a don't blame them in regards to the episode trying to make a

toxic relationship work for the caller who just got a new job fresh out of college but also has a vacation plan. I just wanted to agree with everything that Megan and Melissa said but also offer my viewpoint on it. I worked for over a decade in payroll and human resources for a third-party company which basically meant I did other company stuff through my company so I've seen hundreds of other companies, and I've done their onboarding, new hire paperwork, the PTO request, time to educate everybody. I cannot tell you the amount of times that I've done new hire paperwork and then immediately had time to use the PTO on it.

It is such a common thing for people to get hired and already have vacations planned. and it gets more common the older you get too and more experience that you get in jobs it is nothing that the caller needs to be worried about even though she's like fresh out of college or anything it is definitely nothing that they're going to like look at it is so totally normal go on your vacation have fun oh my god thank you like i know that we said that and we know that but like now you have to listen and believe so like thank you for listening to that and being like i have to call in to reassure someone that has actual experience in the field that's just kind of spitballing yeah us being like we have corporate friends like we know you're allowed to

do this yeah but oh my god thank you thank you thank you for taking the time uh i always wonder about people who have to do those jobs like the uh like third party hr stuff i'm like damn gotta keep track of everybody right i'm like you must watch like all the real housewives so you can have like all of like the storylines running in different places like you gotta be last things running all at once couldn't be my brain doesn't work like that well that is it we hope you all enjoyed if you did you can always leave us a review for the podcast over on the apple app or spotify again you could join our patreon watch the video version we also do live streams there twice a month make some friends have a good time it's so fun are you irish we have irish people

are you a kiwi we've got we've got new zealanders australian canadian why did you say that are you a kiwi with an irish accent i was still in my irish face sorry um canadian american swedish german german i think that geography wasn't my strong suit i think there's everybody though i can't wait where's our gal that was briefly in south africa you haven't been back in a while oh yeah where is she where's our listener who was a stewardess on a yacht and we got to have the update with her and she was like on the yacht yeah and then we turned off like the recording and then we made her give us a tour of her room yes she was like a tour of like a lot of the yacht yeah no she walked us through the yacht we went everybody no one got to see

about us we loved it yeah i gotta know how you doing babe reach out send us a dm that's it we hope you all enjoyed call us for an upcoming episode write us in for next episode and we are here to give you advice and we hope we change your life tomorrow we have see you next tuesday where we're still talking about bridget and stuff and also my new food thing that i might be getting into good god wednesday you've got a little break thursday we've got but am i wrong and then friday fisting friday hell yeah we'll see you soon goodbye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance

by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter