Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Christmas Anxiety

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Facing your disapproving parents during the holidays Having a low libido Not including your dad in vacation plans How to show up for a friend during a difficult time Buy Our Merch https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - [e-mail] (300 words or less) Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. welcome to don't blame me hi a show featuring megan rates and melissa diamond mods where we give advice to our listeners or you can call in to 310-696-0690 don't listen to her 310-694-0976 six and this is my moment to shine because we have said it before uh it is the only number at this current point in my friendship life uh that i will be able to call if i am in trouble i did input it into something earlier this week and i had no trouble singing it as i was typing it i

was like this is perfect but i just can't say it out loud there was a time period where when we were doing um like the promo stuff i was writing it more than i was like saying it where i could write it easier than I could say it and I used to have to write it and I even now sometimes will do it with my finger to remember so you are halfway there then to memorizing it because I was able to memorize in writing form so I think if I needed to make a phone call I could do it I go wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful so welcome we're here to give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice yes speaking of wonderful it's the most wonderful time of the year and of your week where we give you advice so like melissa said colin you can also write in

to but am i wrong no you can't you can but that's our other show you can write in to meganpodcastgmail.com and you can also slide into our dms on instagram megan and melissa so uh there you can spell out what you're dealing with tell us the the thing that you have found yourself in that you need our help to dig you out of that trench that you're in or megan with an h melissa with one s we do feel competitive when one person gets a correct spelling the other one doesn't but it has pretty much evened out like i get one you get one you get one i get one so we do ask that you were 18 or actually now we were required you were 18 or over have your permission to write in or call in um melissa recently just did a post on your story about

your like ranking of like the craziest uh calls and one of our girls mary responded saying honorable mention to playing the call of saying like hey i'm calling about like i want to like i need some tips on sex so i'm 17 and you both immediately going no and then hanging up and you just went on to a new call and you're like that's so one of my favorites i forget about that one all the time i do too because yeah we want to forget well and also because like you're number one which was obviously the time we didn't do anything except just call the police and like we didn't air it we didn't record anything we didn't talk about it we just had we should actually just call the police so that's we did yeah um and so just sent me a message and

was like hold on what was this i need a summary and i said i'm not putting that in writing no no no also no one can know because that no although it's only we're the only people who know and then i think at the time it was amanda working i know it was um it was adriana because she found she went to some website that was the website that we were we were able to look up the reverse i have the memory of someone i have memory of you and i looking at each other and then i have someone typing to be like okay i found it because i was like there's a third person in it i know that so we are the only three people and the person who called and left that um and the police who know what happened with that coco knows now well yeah here's the thing we have you have to

trust your editor with all like you you trust them to edit and cut out things that are you know sensitive and so that was before her time but we always mentioned that there was one and so i did what's what i'm saying like yeah if we say something on podcast being like okay cut this out or whatever or if we like don't mention it if coco was ever like hey could you tell me i go of course of course i can tell you you have been harboring some most nice divas and darkest secrets for for years but yeah so like i i forget that that 17 year old one we even air like it was just like nope move on and I'm sure like listening back to that if I listen like it would be very funny because for us we then go and pick another call so like there is a time span but for them it was

just like oh brand new call just starts playing so love that so much uh if anyone remembers the episode that's from let me know but yes so you have to be an agent over her transformation is the moral of the story and uh we also ask that you let us know how old you are not just that you're over 18, because our advice, if you are 22 is very different than our advice. If you were like 35, if it's about a relationship, whether that's a friendship or romantic, or, you know, you don't have to do it for siblings necessarily. Tell us how long you have been engaged in that relationship. And, uh, the most important details that you would say, if you were trying to, I don't know, going in front of a judge and jury, you're trying to get people on your side,

or you're trying to like get them to understand your POV. And if you, you know, want us to be incredibly biased and you're like, I actually just need you to like be on my side and deliver if I am, you know, need some advice, deliver it with a little bow on top and really nice. Or you can also be like, you know, I'm not sensitive. You can really go full throttle.

Tell me all about it. The people who say I am sensitive are never the, like, so be nice, are never the ones who need, who need a good talking to, because i realized that the person from the uh the call of the episode that shall not be named they had said they're like i you know you can really i need you to yell at me yeah so before we get into the episode if you didn't listen to last week's don't blame me you gotta gotta go back and listen to it because it is one of our wildest episodes i ranked how i put like the most jaw

dropping episodes that we have encountered and i put this as number did i put it as number let me pull it up i screenshotted it so this is melissa's my ranking of the most shocking calls on don't blame me number one the one we never aired and told the police number two the call the last call this week number three the son that wanted to get back with their quote-unquote good christian ex who murdered someone four bride that purposely peed on the bridesmaid five the girl that went to the family reunion knowing she slept with her boyfriend's brothers who were twins i just have to say i love you bitches like and like even the even the one the call last week like i love that you listen to the podcast because i love knowing that you heard what we said and you're gonna go hey i'm

gonna change this yeah and i love that like we're not swearing you off as a person we're not telling you're bad we're not never going to support whatever i'm here to root for you in never doing this ever again and making better life choices and i am looking forward to you respecting that that was our opinion and actually actively seeking that opinion from us and then knowing that you're going to stick around and we actually get to see that change yes yes yes so um this is coco's corner if you don't know what coco's corner is it's something we just made up sometimes we need a there's times where we go any specific things about an industry that she also works in or we've done a couple romance yeah Coco Coco is our our uh editor she listens to every single

episode she hears everything that we say cut out so she has the deep dirt she is a lesbian and we have a as as Mecca and Jamila pointed out they said dang a lot of your audience totally I will Coco is the one we can reach the quickest. Yes. And so on Tuesday at 11.17, but that would have been 9.17. I'm in Arkansas right now. So that would have been 9.17 in LA.

She says... What night? Tuesday. So she's editing. So she said, too much dick in this episode. That was one message. So the next message said,

I'm gagging. Next message, I'm charging extra for having to go through this. Next message, workplace harassment. as yes i said you were warned and but am i wrong and then she said ha ha ha ha and the next message my stomach is turning and then the next message was you love to make it more nasty and then crying laughing emojis several of them and i said i blacked out i don't even remember what you're

talking about and then she said lmao and then said you're going off right now it's fucking comedy the j crew dick pic was has me wrecked i forgot about that and then i said i'll report back after i watch and then i watched the next day and i said i'm cracking my cell phone i need to watch it and then she later said also you couldn't get over the word craving and then i said that bitch was salivate she was no she is and i need an update and then coco said lmao and then she goes i'm just trying to figure out how that just comes about i never shared no sex fantasy with the co-workers shit sounds sketchy from top to bottom and then i said i need answers expeditiously and then coco said and megan saying get up and get out and then i said you can't be that down

bad so there we have it i was telling mom says and i was like i mean this with love babe i do need you to know that like this is not something that you should ever think of like oh wow that's that's so nice for i go no no this is a patriarchy at work this is no woman ever wakes up going i got we need to be 150 years in the fucking we need to be so far in the future i need to be like barbie land i need it to be there's never been a male president there is no there's not enough time for us to exist on the planet in our lifetimes things cannot no there's not enough time for that to be a complete 180 pivot like that but i also now realize we probably should have specifically forewarned people with an aversion to penises for this one because like this one

was incredibly coco's not wrong it was incredibly penis heavy that person that wrote it and saying that that penises were disgusting that's one thing yeah they were scared i immediately thought of that as soon as coco said too many dicks i was like oh no oh no that person but they're very fair they're like i literally can't like i'm disgust i cannot stand i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry so sorry trigger warning penises when you're a mid-sized business you need every competitive advantage you can get like an ai solution that works for you not against you sap grow is built with ai embedded at its core working across every system and it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running

bring it with sap grow ai cloud erp for any size business hear that it's your money calling it wants a promotion elevate your savings with the scotia high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest conditions apply visit scotiabank.com slash hisa to learn more scotiabank you're richer than you think we're gonna get into the rest of the episode now okay hey megan and melissa i'm having anxiety about going home to see my family this christmas honestly i probably wouldn't have gone but my parents deposited money directly into my account to cover gas so I feel obligated. One of the many ways they're making sure I make it home. I hate going home because I hate being

compared to my siblings. There are six of us in total and I fall in the middle. Me and my siblings are very close and I've never felt pressure coming from them. My parents on the other hand they grill me every time I'm there. A couple of my siblings are married or engaged. The younger two are in college then there's me. I got a degree in chemistry that I do not use. I'm more of an artist but I know they would never support it i'm pretty smart so i got a degree that i thought would impress them it did until i graduated and pursued art i'm doing decent at it enough to pay the bills but nothing extra i know my parents will ask what i'm doing with my life do i have a significant other am i gay i kid you not so please any help navigating my family would be great oh and by

the way i'm 26 she her pronouns thanks maybe one of your siblings is getting divorced and that can be the main focus there's six of y'all one of you's gotta be gay well statistically statistically at least two so i'm thinking that in this circumstance and situation distraction is on your side and if you are like you said you're very close with your siblings then it needs to be like you're making a football play like okay guys you're choreographing an eight count this is the plan if and like make it fun in the sense of like so the even the distraction and deterring and the shifting conversation is actually not so miserable for you because like that does require a lot of mental effort so like you know let's say this sibling is on track for changing the subject

if my parents bring up am I gay this sibling is on the they're going to bring up you know something like a news article they saw every time they if they ask about who I'm dating and then this sibling And like they can have fun with it of being like, you know, they either have to come up with a topic to like shift the conversation or discussion or like this sibling is going to like really loudly fake sneeze every time they ask about my degree and using that or my career or whatever that is. something along the lines where like your siblings are in that together with you because I think that no matter how close you say you are with your siblings and how much they love and care about you I think anybody who like lets people sit there and like be miserable and like having their family continue to pester or say things whatever that they know upsets you if they don't do anything in the moment and it's only until afterwards they're like hey I'm sorry that like really

sucked i don't think they're in your camp as much as possible that they could be and you know some people think that like oh i don't want to interfere i don't like they think that they're doing the right thing in that way for that i would say unlist the troops there's five other ones i need you guys to put your money where your mouth is if you love me and you care about me we're gonna pivot and change the subject my question is do you need them for money i mean they sent you money seems like they have it if they if they're able to give it they have it if you need them for money you know play nice as much as you can if you don't need them for money be an asshole like i don't understand why more people just won't be assholes just tell the truth just be honest say you know

that's i have a chemistry degree if things you know get to a point where i need need money then I can figure it out. But there are other things that I want to pursue in life right now. No, I'm not with anyone right now. Why are you so like obsessed with that? Yes or no, I'm gay. Why does it matter? Like, just tell the truth unless you have to play nice for the financial reasons. Be yourself. Like, I promise you that once you get into your true self and you're around that truthfulness then they will back off on asking you questions yeah i i'm a big believer in like unlearning the respect your elders aka don't talk back thing of childhood that like that is only until you get that voice and that voice is because you don't need them anymore

whether that's like a roof over your head financial like support whatever that is or that you're ready emotionally at that point like talk back like you you can do all of that I do fear that if you say you are making a living and paying your bills through art that there's some money involved um I'm hoping it was a trust or you know something like that that like you they don't have like their they still don't have ties to but like I also think that if your parents have financially supported you in the past and it helped you get to where you are, but you are not still currently being financially supported by them, I don't think it's your obligation to just deal with their shit because they gave you a gift at some point. As long as the I's are dotted and

the T's are crossed and like, you know, that money has exchanged hands or a deed of a home, whatever those things are, if you don't have a contract that you are then required to take their bullshit i don't think that you need to because i do think that providing for your children is unfortunately i don't think it should be a luxury i don't think it should be like i think that should be what we're all able to do so the idea of like that makes you indebted to them for all eternity is like i call bullshit on that i agree so i agree you didn't ask to be here no and also if they are going to give you money like a lump sum of money that's they can do that they also don't have to do that like if they choose to do that they cannot add on stipulations based on guilt not like

legal obligation yep also are you close to any of your siblings partners that is another thing that like i i like love to do i love to be tapped and put me in coach like if you need to help or we need to defer like divert something or you know uh people not currently anymore but like that um you know had feelings about certain aspects of other people and like it was kind of more of like a not unspoken but like it was not brought out into the limelight until i asked the person being like this is this is what's going on cool now and i'm gonna you know make sure that i'm aware of this in this moment and like you know continuing to do that kind of stuff so like there's just a level of we're in this together because who's got the target on their back is going to change

at any given point. And I think if you let the one sibling or one family member just like take the brunt of it, thinking that that prevents you or excuses you from that turning on you at some point, it's just not going to happen. Like someone's going to get divorced. Someone is going to become an alcoholic. Someone is going to lose their house. Someone's going to lose their job. And like then if you have just been like letting your other sibling take the scrutiny, no one's going to stand up for you. So I say give them the opportunity to do that because they might not be doing it because they might think that's not what you want them to do. So but if they still don't do it, then I would say I'm actually going to use that gas money and I'm going to drive back. goodbye also normalize leaving in the middle of the night and then having people just wake up and

then it'd be gone and then just you know leaving a note on like your like middle school stationery what do you call like a dear john letter for just your it's fitting all right let's take a break when we get back we'll get into some more Thank you. At Ikea, we make things just for college life. Like the rose and mandel blackout curtains in gray. They say you can't put a price on sleep. But we did.

For the low, low price of $49.99. Why are you in my room? Shh. Go back to sleep. You have a big exam tomorrow. Shop back to school at Ikea. when you're a mid-sized business you need every competitive advantage you can get like an ai solution that works for you not against you sap grow is built with ai embedded

at its core working across every system and it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running bring it with sap grow ai cloud erp for any size business we are back and let's get into the next hi megan and melissa i got some good advice last time oh wonderful so i thought i'd give it another try i'm 23 and my boyfriend is 21 i don't love that already but that's fine we've been together for four years and we also live together been together four years it makes a big difference okay keep going i'm just doing the math yep it's what you think it is oh i'm just checking yeah okay you know me numbers aren't my strong suit we have a good relationship and love each other very much the problem now is my libido i have low to no

libido and this has been going on for 69 months we've tried having a lot of conversations about this and it's not really moving forward my boyfriend completely adapts to what i like and we have open communication i have an iud and this cannot be the cause as i've had many conversations with my doctor about this i've also tried a number of things myself namely having me time getting dressed up and putting on sexy lingerie and exploring myself further if you know what i mean these are all things that used to help me feel sexy at the moment it is becoming very frustrating that nothing that this no longer works and nothing is fueled do you mean fulfilled yeah i don't know oh well i don't know if you want me to read the second part out loud because it's you know mental

health wise but uh thank you because for sharing that so well you say specifically you have social anxiety. So I'm curious if you've asked your doctor like point blank, like, hey, I'm having low libido. Here's the thing. If you want to get shit done at the doctor, if you are a person with a uterus, you have two magic words. One, I have low libido and I don't want to disappoint my boyfriend or my husband. Even if you have a girlfriend, not a boyfriend, not a husband, even if you are single. B, I'm trying to get pregnant. Even if, or I'm thinking about starting a family. The way that you will shoot up to the top of the priority of symptoms they would otherwise tell you are just like, it's all in your head. Like you're distressed for no reason.

Like what, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Those things, unfortunately, our medicine is also still very male centric. So I would ask about that specifically, not just, hey, would IUD side effect you know have you ever heard of any like logo beat and then being like no not really I wouldn't take it as far as like that I would I would push further and just have it be approached as just like a singular issue for yourself mental health can obviously play a part in it stress too but it does seem like you're trying all the things that have worked for you before and like I you seem incredibly self-aware so I would think if you know like if there has been something that's you know if whether you're you have gained some weight or you have lost some weight or there are

things that you're not feeling as sexy about or that you got a really bad haircut that you don't love like or your skin's breaking out or you know what any of those things that like contribute to how you feel about your outward appearance can like manifest itself in not wanting to be seen or touched in a way that like is really centered on like feeling not just like pretty or cute but like sexy so it doesn't but like I you seem self-aware of this to a point where I think that you would know you would know if it's something like that but it could be a hormonal shift and change and like that's something that like you know full transparency part of the reason why that like I'm with like my thyroid stuff I'm like I think that this is another part of it for

me because as someone with ADHD, I don't think about sex. I don't think about anything until it is right in front of me or someone suggests it or brings it up. It's the same reason why like I don't have object permanence. I don't remember people exist until they text me. I have, and I used to struggle with like feeling like a bad person because I don't really miss people. And like even Mott, who I love so much, he will like, you know, call me on his own from work and he's like, oh my God, I missed you. And like, as soon as he says that, I go, oh yeah, I totally miss you too but like I didn't think that throughout the day unless I like saw something I wanted to send him I was like oh like wonder like but it's just not how my brain works but like even I like

with like my health stuff I've noticed I'm like this is like I do feel like this isn't another shift and this is one that I'm adding on to the list of things talked to with my doctor being like you know I feel like I'm thinking about it less than I normally have been or would and like my ADHD does feel worse but I'm assuming that that's from something else or whatever so like I think like this is definitely a thing to discuss health-wise with your doctor because something has in the words of Elphaba something has changed within me something is not the same with copyright and also really hard to say I know I can't say it all so I think that like you need to go with your gut in the fact that like something has shifted and you have and you've

tried everything and I am a big believer in just laying it out there on the table for doctors not just saying like you know sometimes there's a way to kind of like dance around the subject to get them because sometimes doctors are really egotistical to get them to come to the conclusion that like you're at and so without them being like well you're you're pushing something or whatever but I think of being like hey this is where I'm at I've tried this this this and this this isn't working and this is like this is how I got my beta blockers it's like the first appointment he was like okay you know try salty foods drink a lot more water and um you know do some like light walking and that stuff but uh make sure you wear compression socks and um you should

be good and I was like well yeah I've been kind of trying that and I didn't like push it harder because I literally had been doing all of those things and I still felt the fucking same and I should have said that in the moment and I didn't and like I then was like wow this doctor fucking sucks and like yes you know it should have been more of a hey you've been dealing with this for well over a year at this point I'm going to assume you've tried x y and z I'm not going to present this like brand new information but then when I finally was like hey by the way I tried doing all I've been doing all those things still doing it did it before we had that appointment I've been doing it nothing has changed and in the way that I made it so cut and dry and

And so knowing my own body, the next question he asked is like, okay, so would you say that your POTS is getting in the way of you being able to shower every day? And I was like, oh my God, sir. Yeah, we're on totally different pages. I can't even shower once every three days. I will change my schedule about leaving the house because I will not leave the house if I have not showered, but I won't be able to function for like two days. And he was like, oh, wow.

And I realized like, oh my God, we're speaking a different language. I thought I was conveying this in a way because I'm used to, again, doctors with egos and I don't want to come on too strong or whatever that is. But like, I was trusting a professional without giving them enough information to use their professional opinion and recommendations. so I do think that like being really forthcoming and like straightforward and saying hey I want you know blood tests and like even like looking up like what blood test should I be getting if I'm having low libido what is that there and then also you know figuring out like is this manifesting in just a are you not feeling you know horny sexy turned on in a mental sense or is that also manifesting in a physical sense when you're by yourself I would also recommend maybe if you feel more comfortable going to your gynecologist and then if it is manifesting in

a physical way not just saying like okay it is I'm having really low libido and also like vaginal dryness like if that there's other those physical symptoms too that's actually what I was going to get into um talking like having conversations with your medical professionals um about both physical and mental like how you're feeling mentally and that can be with your gynecologist or even your general doctor but also talking to like a therapist about that and then talking to your therapist about how to talk to your partner about that like that can be extremely helpful but then talking about the physical things with your doctor too and then also I'm sure there has to be like other people that are going through the same thing as you and like finding a support

group on reddit or online and they're probably things that have worked for specific people and they're like here's a checklist of everything that i said to my doctor and i didn't leave that patient room until they answered or looked after or checked out all of everything that happened to me so i suggest doing that too yeah that's a great call because like i know the first time and I still need to schedule my secondary labs I was trying to do that today but I was like this is before Christmas I'm not gonna I was annoyed when I get work emails I'm not gonna email my doctors but like I went into my doctor and I was like hey I have a family history of this so and I also have a pretty extensive knowledge of both hyper and hypothyroid runs

in both my family and so I think I you know I really think I'm having thyroid this is all of the symptoms that I'm having and he was like totally and he they ran it and like the he tested one thing when a full thyroid panel is like much more than that. And I had posted on my Instagram story being like, if you have all of the symptoms of hypothyroid, as well as your doctor saying you have all the symptoms of that, but like your tests are coming back fine. What else have you gotten tested? What else could it have been? Cause I asked him, I can get additional labs. He was like, yeah, what, what do you, I mean, we could run some iron ones or like, you know, vitamin B, like what else were you, what else would you want it to do? And the way that

I literally had like a list of like 50 things that people were like hey why don't you like I would test this I would test this I test this like we're not saying get medical diagnostic advice online but like you know and there are people who aren't from America who are saying like why don't you just like your doctor will just run everything you need I go no you have to request what it is that you're looking for and you know that there are people who are in my messages who like they had gone through this is what they got tested there were other people who like were doctors themselves or work in in that aspect of it of being like here's what I pull for my patients here's what I would do these are different ones like x y and z and like that is something that

is like that is not detrimental information because you can't it's not medical information saying take ivermectin it's not medical information saying you have a tide pod like it is drink bleach whatever that it's like it is something that you do need a doctor's approval in order to follow through with this, but you are then having more information. And I do think that if you are also prone to medical and health anxiety, it is a lot better in that way to seek out specific,

to start in places that like Melissa said, like support group stuff versus WebMD. What are medically things that could be wrong with me that cause low libido? But also if you're not, if you don't have like medical anxiety, And like looking up like health conditions associated with this, like that can be helpful just to see like, okay, what tests should I run?

What other things should I check into? But you are only 20, you're only 23. And they're not going to, the thing is, they're just not going to believe you. And I'm not like trying to be harsh, but a lot of doctors just won't believe you because of your age. And the six to nine months part, this is like, this, this is quite rapid. Like this isn't over the course of like a year and a half and you like suddenly finally noticed this.

This is rapid. And like health-wise with me, same thing I know. I remember like I was, thought something was all in my head and I saw a video of myself and I said, yeah, my, underneath my armpits, where your lymph nodes are, look more swollen. My neck looks more small.

Like I was able to just pinpoint that. And it was like a very quick, rapid decline in how I felt. And like those things, unfortunately, tend to be reserved for women being very hyper-aware of their bodies. so men don't go to they usually don't go to the doctors frequently and unless they have a stomach ache and they go to the er or whatever that is and so when women are like hey i have been feeling like this for this amount of time i track this and this and this a lot of the time doctors be like

ah no you're fine just like wait it out and it's like by the time a woman is going to the doctor they have already waited it out they have already figured this they've been they've been thinking about everything they've tried all the home remedies they've tried x y and z and all of that So I also am not above, you know, fudging it for them to take you seriously in the sense of this is really taking a toll on my relationship, even though it might not be. Or we are trying to have a kid. I will say I might refrain from that because they might just say, well, having sex so often and like tying this to be the goal of a pregnancy can make it sex less fun. So I wouldn't bring up pregnancy in this because I think they'll make that a psychological reason for this. This to me is a medical, a medical issue.

And that, like Melissa said, can be like MD, doctor, blood drawn, hospital, or could be like therapist. But this is like a phone to support. Yeah. All right. Next one. Hey, Melissa and Megan. I need advice on how to tell my narcissistic dad that I've booked a family holiday without him. You also don't have to.

Hi, 24, she, her. Oh, live at home with my parents. There we go. My dad is controlling and refuses to take responsibility for anything while my mom has been the primary caregiver for my sister, 17, she, her, and I, while working full-time as well. My dad believes we all quote-unquote owe him things like cooking. See, this is where I say poison. Cleaning and being close since he earns the most money.

He resents that we are close to my mom's side of the family and doesn't let them visit. him. I don't have a good relationship with him, but I've stayed at home to support my mom and sister. After a few explosive arguments, I've chosen to keep things civil to maintain peace when my mom figures out how to leave him. Recently, my dad booked a one-way ticket abroad to escape negativity and promised to return a better person. During his absence, my mom was diagnosed with a serious illness and underwent major surgery. I became her primary caregiver and canceled a planned holiday. Once she recovered, I rebooked the trip for my mom, sister, and I. I knew my dad would be upset since we usually all travel together, but after everything,

I didn't feel he deserved to be part of it. My dad has been home for two months now, but hasn't questioned the hospital bills, hasn't checked in on us, and hasn't spoken to us since his return. The trip is in January, and while I don't regret booking it, I'm unsure how to tell him. My sister thinks he doesn't deserve an explanation, but I'm worried about making things worse, especially since my mom isn't ready to leave him yet. How should I approach this conversation with him any advice will be appreciated p.s i've been listening since 2019 and your advice and discussions have helped me navigate life so many times thank you if he's not talking to y'all i'm just like if he's not talking to y'all when do you even have the opportunity to

tell him this is where i get toxic and it's like well you didn't ask yeah so like and kind of what i said the last time normalize grabbing your middle school stationery normalize leaving in middle of the night this time don't even leave a note like just go just leave and go I think the only part that like I understand your hesitation is like you're not wanting it things to make things worse for your mom have you asked your mom what it will take her to leave because unfortunately if it is not like you know saving money if it's not like oh I have to I'm waiting till i save x amount of money and like you know diverting funds and doing all of that stuff but if it is like her emotionally working up that to that point and like you're we're not

even at the logistics aspect of the money and the leaving and where to live all of those things if we're not in like the fulfilling the steps of the plan that's already been established we're just at the emotional part of like admitting that we want to be done and like start planning that then i i think unfortunately a lot of the time it it does have to get worse like for some people like it it does get worse before they're ready to leave and ready to be done and you can't prevent that all you can't always be there and you can't always prevent that from happening because he will move the goalposts he will have different expects expectations and standards like you can do everything by his demands right now and for a lot of narcissists they get pissed at that and so then

they make new demands and new expectations so it is just kind of a never-ending cycle and if you if you count on knowing that and like knowing him and like knowing being able to predict these things and avoid the blow ups or whatever, that unfortunately only lasts for so long. So I do think that like there needs to be some self-preservation in there for both you and your mom that like, you know, making these choices and like separating her from him will be incredibly positive for her taking the next steps to leave. So I'm with your sister. He does not deserve an explanation he never asked it doesn't have to be like a blow-up fight or like whatever it can just be there's like a term a term and I would I'm not one to say things that like actually would upset

me if people said them to me like on the internet because I don't want to give other people that ammo but like there was a something that uh I was referred to for the vast majority of my life in sense of like you don't have to once you get to the point where you do not have to engage and you see how people respond to you being composed not rash or whatever it becomes like oh they get even more upset and more mad or whatever and so i do think like favoring being completely neutral in your voice and your expression of like all of that just lets narcissists kind of dig their own grave and that might be if you are if you and your mom are physically safe, then that's what you need to do to self-preservation because it's never

going to be a learning lesson. It's never going to click. It's never going to be a come to Jesus moment or whatever because he's a narcissist. So you have to play the part that isn't just about avoiding him and his reactions because he will react. He'll change it. You have to play the part to do things that will make you safe and happy and sometimes that will piss him off and that's kind of all it is yeah just do what you do because it doesn't matter what you do he's never going to be satisfied he's never going to be happy so like that shouldn't stop you or the rest of your family from living your life because it doesn't matter like it doesn't matter you can be the most perfect person in his eyes and you're still not going to be good enough so you need to continue living

your life so that you can have a life yeah and unfortunately if your mom is not ready to leave him your sister is giving very much younger sibling who's has been right who has a narcissist parent where they're like no I'm out like I'm as soon as I turn 18 like I am done and at a certain point you do have to put yourself first and there is a sense of like you can you know be enabling someone to maintain staying in a relationship like this and you then might lose your relationship with your sister because like she won't deal with that so like i think that it it's so clear that you want to protect everybody and save everybody it is a a ship on fire it is going down you can you know grab life jackets you can preserve it for as long as possible but it is like an inevitable

outcome and the you the plan needs to be in place because it is you will you can't do it forever you'll burn out before that and that's not fair to you or your relationship as an adult and I promise your life only gets better your friends are better everything is better because your threshold for that behavior you suddenly you go oh my god no my standards are higher because it even if you don't think it it lowers all of the standards for people in your life yeah agree at Desjardins insurance we know that when you own a nail salon everything needs to be perfect from tip to toe that's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs.

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Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotiabank. You're richer than you think. Next one. Hey, I'm an M28. She, her, first time calling in. The guy, 30, he, him, I started seeing in November. recently cut off communication out of nowhere.

I knew it had to be family-related because he's always been clear about his feelings towards me. His mom has cancer, needs a kidney transplant. He might have to be the donor, and has two other family members very ill. He's also lost both his bio dad when he was young and his stepdad who raised him to a heart attack last year. He's understandably really struggling

and copes by isolating himself and shutting out the world. After a week of being blocked while I was trying to check in, I finally sent a text saying, I hope you respect me enough to have a conversation with me about what happened one day. And it went through. He told me what happened the day that caused him to shut me and everyone else in his life out. He said he realized he isn't in a headspace to start a relationship with me and doesn't want to hold me back finding someone that quote unquote isn't a shit show right now. He came to talk in person because he didn't want it to be a goodbye and for me to think his feelings for me had changed, but that he wants to be able to start a relationship

when he can equally invest time and energy into building a strong foundation. He said he doesn't want to lose me in his life and selfishly still wants to talk, go on dates, spend time together when he can, but that he understands that that isn't what I want and if I want to see other people while he gets a grip on things. My heart breaks because I want to give him the support I wish I had when I was going through losing both my parents. I lost my dad five and a half years ago after a six-year battle with cancer.

I lost my mom last October after a six-month battle with brain cancer. I understand the pain he's in, and I have always assured him that he never needs to apologize for prioritizing his family's needs over time with me, and I don't want him to feel pressured to give me anything. He knows that he's been acting uncharacteristically, and he's going to therapy twice a week to try to work through things. He doesn't want to cut things off because he doesn't know if it'll be just days, weeks, or months before he feels like he's ready. We both know how special our connection is, and I know in my heart that he is truly a good man. I don't have a desire to meet other people right now, which could change, and I want to keep seeing him understanding his limited bandwidth. Am I wrong for closing myself off from other opportunities while supporting him

and waiting for the day he's ready to pursue a serious relationship, knowing and accepting that there's a chance that day may never come? My friends have said it's basically a relationship anyway, and they bring up that if he really thinks we are right for each other, He might regret not having me get to meet his mom if something were to happen. I know it hasn't been long, but we do really feel a deep comfort and connection in each other. I just don't want to add more pressure to his life and also want him to have support rather than isolating himself and going through it alone. My heart would break to end things completely, and I feel like I'd be running away from the scary, deep feeling.

I know there's a chance I'll get hurt in this, but it's a chance I think I'm willing to take. I would love your advice. Thank you. Bye. And I want to preface by saying, I don't think my advice will be what you want to hear. And like, if you don't take it, that's okay. And like, it's okay. And like every, pretty much every context of the podcast, like, you don't have to take our advice. It is like just our opinion. but I don't want you to like I don't think that you are like silly or less than or whatever but like I do think it's important to hear varying opinions of this because we can't know everything and like you we are unbiased you are biased and sometimes being a bias having a bias is good we

don't know this person so like if you make the call of being like I'm gonna ignore everything you say that's so okay so I just I don't want you to like not that people do I kind of want you to take our advice over and regret and you know because you feel like you should not that because you feel like that's right for you so yeah if you're not ready to hear I'm not going to be mean but I do want to be straightforward I think that dating right now will ruin the relationship because you are on you're quite freshly grieving as well and I think that's why you are really wanting to be there for him because that is what you would have wanted. And like, I think you probably are envisioning having him in your life when you were going through that and how much that

would have benefited you. And there is something like really heavy about grief as well as freshly shared grief. And you are in that grieving process. He's in an active grieving process and a proactive grieving process. So it's coming from all levels of that. And there are so many things you have in common, totally. But I think that you would be lowering your expectations for what you need, getting your needs met for his expense. And I don't think that's beneficial to him either. That can create a dynamic where one person feels like they're glass and that there can't be the, you know, you can't argue. You can't, something hurts your feelings. You can't say it there. It builds a lot of resentment from both sides because when someone is going

through a really hard time, we tend to handle them with kid gloves and that can feel like patronizing but also we kind of need that but that's why you know this sometimes like i think he's right in that this is he he's not at the place where he can be the person he wants to be and then that's the other part of it is that like and this one is like i would think this is can be very hard that like and this is not a knock on him this is like human nature when we are going through something really bad it does not reflect wonderful on us we're not who we who we're not our best version of ourselves. We might take out our frustration on other people. We might stop doing the things that we love, our hobbies. We might not be getting dressed in the outfits that make

us feel good. We might just feel really shitty and have a lot of self-loathing. And when we maintain a relationship with someone or it can even think of something as simple as a candle or a TV show you watch, that can remind us of a time of ourselves we really didn't like. and that can put not just pressure on the relationship to be like the sole form of escapism and be one good thing. And it puts a lot of pressure on you to have like a good day at work every day you talk.

You always have good news to share. Nothing bad is ever happening. But at the same time, when things start to get, when the grief starts to be something that is a part of a regular day, it's not just, it's not as fresh and it is something like learning to cope for a longer period of time with it,

you can then be a reminder of that time period and this person that they didn't like that they became and that they didn't like that they treated you that way. And then it becomes that they can't look at you because it reminds them of how they treated you when they were at the worst point in their life. So there is without a doubt, and I'm someone who does self-isolate,

like I so understand that. There is also an incredible maturity and power in knowing when you are not able to be the person you want to be in a relationship. And you can't do that at that point. And unfortunately, I don't think there is a way to kind of walk back what you've already done to just be a friend, I think that that friendship can extend to, hey, you know, like I, you know, I don't really have interest in seeing other people. And all this to say, I don't think that this is like dunzo for both of you. I think without a doubt, I think that you have absolutely longevity in a relationship in, I don't know, a year from now or something like that. But I think when we push things, when the timing is just not right to the point where one person has already

said that if we push through that instinct, I think we're kind of we're drinking spoiled milk at a certain point, as opposed to just leaving it on the shelf and waiting for the new stock to come in and then like circling back to that thing you always wanted. And so I think like extending me like, hey, you know, I've been through that. I totally understand. Here are some whether some books that have helped me or whatever. If you ever need anything, you can totally give me a call. I would say that like, you know, boundaries wise, like I would love to revisit this a certain point. And so I don't I don't want us to date now and I don't want us to have that kind of relationship right now. But like, you know, if you call you call like four friends and they don't answer and you really need some help with something.

Yeah, don't forget my number. But like, I want us to keep that space there. So when we're both in that headspace that we're ready and excited to date, that's when we're we're engaging in this again. yeah I think the biggest thing for me here is that you said that you wanted to be there for him in the way that you needed someone to be there for you but people grieve and deal with grief or deal with different situations in different ways and he doesn't want you to be there for the way that you needed somebody to be there for you he wants you to be there in the way that that he wants and that's perfectly fine but that's not the support that you need in your life and right now both of your needs cannot be met because you don't want the same things so because right

now he's in more of a vulnerable fragile state if you can't do and be in the type of relationship that he wants then it's not going to be beneficial to you and I think you're going to grow to resent him down the line and also get your feeling to your heart broken because you're just going to grow more and more attached to him and try to do something and give something or inspect something that he's not able to give and that you're not able to give. So if you don't change your expectations, then this is never going to be the relationship that is going to be beneficial to the both of you so right now I think he just wants a casual friend like he does care about you a lot but he doesn't have enough care to give to everyone right now so if you do want to be with

him in the future then I think that you need to take a step back and encourage him to seek companionship in other ways yeah I agree 100% and like you know stress to him like I'm not interested in dating other people and like you know I think that like we should revisit this in like a year and like or six months or whatever that is and I think if he also keeps saying well you're gonna find somebody else to me that is and it's not his fault necessarily that is the my life is a shit show talking I'm unlovable talking like it's very much like you know you're going to find someone who's so much better than me who's going to be so great and like you know you're going to forget all about me and that's like not how people who are ready to date and

feeling confident in themselves and have have traits and have things that they're willing to give and they're looking for in a relationship that is very much like and i don't want to say that's like victim mentality because like he right now that's what he's at he's he is getting the shit and like every which way like he's dealing with so much and like it is that that statement and saying like you know you're gonna find someone else or like i'm the you know i'm the worst like you need someone who's better than me or whatever those are all very natural feelings to feel when your life is like going to fucking shit and your mental health is in the gutter like that is a normal normal feeling but it is not a your responsibility to uh change that because that

is it's not reality it's like it's the mindset of where he's in and it's a manifestation of how he's feeling about his life right now and you cannot prove him that you're not like that you can't change his mind like that because it is not again it's not based in reality it's based on how he how he is what his life circumstance right now and how he's dealing with that and so I do think like if you if all if you do everything in your power to do exactly be who he needs to be you are going to become a shell of a human and you are you're going to be like a stuffed animal you're not going to be uh it's not going to be an actual real relationship and like even though your friends are saying that like it's it's not because you're not going to be allowed to have a

bad day you're not going to be allowed to have like a shitty day at work like you're gonna have to bring that joy there and all the time and i and i think like if it's truly like you have this connection, I am like a big believer in that there's quite literally nothing going to stop that from it happening other than yourselves. Like that's the only way that it gets in the way is if you push it when it's not right. Like two people will always come back together if you are doing what is like honest for yourself, what is true for you and what is healthy for you. And if you do those things, you'll come back together. There is no time limit on that. But if you kind of push through even knowing it is inopportune timing, I think you can blow something up that would have been really great because you can both see each other's potential, but you're just not at that point. so and like the amount we've talked about this amount of people who like weren't even like

friends in high school or were kind of friends in high school who then like didn't speak for years and then get married like i like the people i had crushes on in middle school who i didn't talk to for years hooked up with when i was an adult like all of those things and like i even had like a guy that i dated when we were really young and when we got we were like 20 when we were way older we both talked about the fact that we were like i think if we did not date when we were like literally like 11 I think we probably would like if we met in college we'd have dated for years we would have dated in high school for a long period of time but like you know it was the wrong timing of it so I think like I don't think you're crazy or you're wrong or dramatic for

sensing a connection with someone but I don't think that connection means that the connection is not really strong if it has to be now or never okay all right well that's the end of the episode the last episode of the podcast as a whole goodbye forever in 2024 i am literally still going through right now adding people i've done hundreds at this point and we're not as irrelevant as i thought no and the thing is is that it's also not in order by when these come through there's some that are as little as two weeks ago and some at the most is 138 weeks ago so I'm trying to add everybody as much as as fast as I can because I'm hoping it doesn't go away it doesn't look like it might be going away there are a lot of people that wrote in with updates

a lot of people that wrote in asking for advice a lot of people asking for but am I wrong stuff and I truly want to apologize to you we did not see this no and that's even more than we thought we knew we were having problems with it but that's even more than I've literally been doing this for an hour and seven minutes right now and i'm for anybody who's on the video this is all i ever see zero message requests no message requests zero hidden requests absolutely nothing but then we search people's names because we ask you to email us and tell us if you've written in or responded to our dms and we haven't ever responded or reshared or whatever and then we search and we search your name and we click messages and the messages are there and we have never been

able to see them so we'll probably write something and put it on our story too because there might be people that were listening and thought that we didn't like them or they said something and we offended them in some way and i just want if you know somebody that listens please let them know that if they ever wrote in or anything and we never said anything or read their responses online i mean on the show then we're truly sorry like there's so many people that sent us don't blame me and what am i wrong there's so many and why do i have the porn bots like this this is really infuriating this is such a shitty fucking flawed system and also why can you see it on you we're on the same account yeah and i can't see it yep and also i think it it got it was you

lost the dms before i did because i was like where'd they go because you could still see them and then it got to the point where they went away from me too yeah and they're saying we have to ban tiktok because the algorithm's too good there's so many updates in here fuck all right well i don't want to end this on a bad note since this is our last episode of the year um do you want me to find depository? Sure. What are you, or I can just ask you, what are you looking forward to in the new year? I know that the state of our country will be a mess, but is there anything that you're looking forward to? Great question. I unfortunately have not thought about that because of the state of our country. I won't lie. I am looking forward to CEOs being afraid. I'm looking forward to the

consciousness that is happening oh you know what i'm excited for i'm excited for the fact that kiernan colkin and i always want to call him domingo coleman but it's coleman domingo that uh i think we are about to witness a bromance of the ages yeah and i think we're about to get i think we're gonna get movies and i don't mean singular movie i think we might get multiple movies they're gonna be the new kevin hart and duane johnson leading up to i was like because by the way um the rock has been eerily quiet and he should have been promoting this christmas movie and no one's ever even heard of this christmas movie well probably because he was talking about trump well that was the thing that he was so in front of the press and then as

everyone's like he's so media trained and we got just a certain point where they let him talk a little too long and now he's not talking at all so i am uh deeply looking forward to uh that and um i also i'm looking forward to i think you know i think it's just going to be most of them i think this is going to be a year of realizing i think everybody's going to realize things much like kylie jenner said it's a year of realizing i don't remember what year she said that was if it was 2016 that'd feel incredibly poetic but i do think that this will be a year of realizing because I did also see a video from the Daily Mail of a flat earther who traveled all the way to Antarctica and then said you know what guys I was wrong the earth is in

fact it was a whole group of people and you know what I say to that I love that I love that normalize changing your mind about things and you know what you you took a little vacation and you learned something and I think that there's going to be a lot of learning and realizing and when we accept that as a part of our journey and our growth, we all benefit from that. And in the spirit of learning and growing, I would like to, I'm not going to fully retract everything I've ever said, but I am going to say, I understand you a little bit more now. And that is to the Chalamanders. So Timmy Tim, we know has never been my, uh, he's never been my type. And, uh, it, people were posing the question, who would you rather, who would you rather date

Timothee Chalamet or Paul Mezcal? And I was, you know, I live in a bubble. And so finding out that it was a no brainer for a lot of people, then it wasn't the same no brainer that I had. I was a little i was a little surprised and then he showed up on whatever espn in his pink puffer jacket spitting football facts and this is how i know that i am merely just a heterosexual woman that i said it's kind of hot like it is kind of hot and then he did an interview with britney broski where he got on his knees for her and was calling her like my sire and like was just like saying he he has so much charisma that i was like i feared this man could have transmitted me something when i was if i was at nyu too megan now i've literally told you that i've been in the

same room with him and like i get it i understand why other girls would be into him that uh movie that he did where he was on drugs that a marin county classic story yeah it's about your your place a beautiful boy based on a true story so he was there and what's his name steve carrell and then who it was like actually based off of they were there too and um i was in the front row my friend ashley what's up she sometimes listened and he was just very charismatic and like really controlled the room and i thought that i was like yeah he seems like a nice boy so like i get it but i will say with this little mustache he has i think he looks the best that he's looked ever i don't know i and i generally hate little mustaches but i like his i think his

is working for him and i will say that like the fact that the mustache was also aligned with uh i forget when it was because people were being fucking crazy he gained a little bit of much needed weight and he he doesn't seem like he still has that on him right now and like from the way he talks he's like i need to gain weight i know this i'm working on that but like when he gained that like 10 pounds i was like he was trending on twitter and i was like oh my gosh he's okay guys i'm seeing it like he's looking really good and all the replies are like oh my god i don't like him anymore and i'm like okay freaks like this is fucking weird i don't know why you think that men are also immune to eating disorders and therefore idolizing their incredibly thin

physiques that they are they want to gain weight that you don't want them to like this is it's weird it's very fucking weird but he is looking as he says in this anemic as ever but charisma oozes out of this boy's body and I just never I had never had the opportunity to see that because when he does like any of the we did like ladybird interviews and stuff I didn't watch a ton of that press junket but like um little women it's you know Florence Pugh Saoirse Ronan Laura Dern they're all together and he is he has and Greta Gerwig he has says he says maybe three words he doesn't really speak he just kind of like bopping smiling and he's just vibing in the corner and so like I didn't hear he seemed like a man a few words like i didn't there was not much charisma to speak of

and i was like the all of these women who i love and have so much charisma and so they're so fun they're wonderful on all these late night shows they seem to love you and you just seem there and so now i know i go oh he was he was he was pulling a ryan gosling and he said i'm gonna step aside this is called little women it's not called little man i've been beautiful boy this movies little women it's not about me so i will never in my life apologize to club chalamet if you ever see a public apology to club chalamet know that i am an imminent physical danger and i only know the podcast phone number so please someone reach out to melissa or to mots and um get me help because that is that is a cry for fucking help if i ever say hey as a society

we we we need to stand by club shallow never but shallow manders on the ground i i get it all right i'm looking forward to just having a good time i just want to i'm just living day by day i'm not trying to do anything extra i have the five things that i want to write next year like i know what the scripts are i'm gonna get all of them done i will be participating more on my sport she's a fucking athlete y'all so that's that's my concentration i won't be getting too much into like i wanted to really play tennis but i have to preserve my legs um no i'm being like i can't get injured playing tennis no i know i just watched a video of tara talking about how her fucking husband made her go on a bike ride right before her race and

she was like i have to preserve my legs yeah the rowers usually just like they scoot on their butts all day until they have to do it yeah so i won't be pursuing tennis i also won't be horseback riding because those are those sports are a little little danger and i just don't want to mess up my legs for running and i support you in your all of your athletic endeavors and i also specifically support your athletic endeavors that could get us as close as humanly possible to the olympics so don't diversify your athletic portfolio at this point like we're all in 100 yeah that's me all right so hey we'll see you next year thank you so much for listening we appreciate most of you and again apologies to the people that we've never said anything to because we like to be

interactive in our mess yes we really do and like i know that we we have so many strong opinions i can so see how people might have thought like you might have taken it personally and like i you know i'm so happy that the people who messaged who were like hey you might have blocked like you might or you might not have seen my messages but i feel so fucking bad for the people who didn't message because they were like no there probably was a read like no or they just stopped listening they're not even hearing this yeah because they're like no one has ever responded or engaged like that's just yeah that's like so not how we love to do it we don't we like to respond and i feel the same way on my personal and it's still happening so i'm still good going

there's still so many like just look at this like they're still loading that's insane yeah so all right okay buy our merch oh yeah buy it this one's really cute they're all really cute actually all right bye bye this is a sister sign production hosted by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso