Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Comparing Sexual Partners

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

On this episode of Don't Blame Me, Meghan and Melisa give advice on: - Judging partners - Wanting your friend who was your ex back - Figuring out your bisexuality - Relearning to trust Join our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Buy Our Merch https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign Listen to Melisa’s New Show https://apps.apple.com/in/app/pocket-fm-audio-series/id1538433480?mt=8 Call In for DBM - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In for DBM - [e-mail] (300 words or less) Write in for BAIW - [e-mail] DBM Submission Form BAIW Submission Form Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello hi hi welcome to another episode of don't blam me don't blam meme pod oh throwback it's been a while so you did change the username on instagram well welcome back We are an advice podcast, and we're here to give you a colonoscopy. Nope. We're here to give you a episiotomy. Nope. We're here to give you a firm handshake. We're here to give you exactly what you asked for.

We're here to give you advice. Exactly. We're going to give you wonderful, amazing, life-changing advice. And will it change your life for the better? I hope so. will it change your life for the worse if it's funny and you go into it knowing that then maybe that'll happen too we will see it's an adventure okay buckle up buttercup buckle up motherfucker if you want to participate in an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail

at 310-694-0976 and if you're like i would love to do that but i i can't call one of those numbers that live somewhere else you can send us a voice memo if you're an international listener you can email it to meganpodcasts at gmail.com and then if you're like i don't want my voice there you can use a voice changer or type it out write it out write out the email um type everything you want to say to us and you can also fill out the form for all of it you have to be over 18 let us know your age it is anonymous you can let us know your pronouns if you would like but you have to give us good info because otherwise we're shooting in the dark and we don't want to intentionally fuck up or unintention we don't i'd rather intentionally fuck up your life than unintentionally

fuck up your life and if you don't give us information that we need who knows maybe we're maybe maybe maybe we're unintentionally doing it all right shall we get into the first one I think we shall. My name is Alina. I am 25 years old, and I have a question that has been weighing on me about comparing sexual partners. I would consider myself pretty inexperienced overall

when it comes to sex. I've only been with two people so far. The first guy was a guy I lost my virginity to, and honestly, that experience was more of a one-time thing. It was not bad, but it also didn't mean much, and there was not a lot of connection there. The second person was different. It turned into sort of friends with benefits kind of situation,

and even though it didn't last long, we were incredibly compatible sexually. It felt like everything I liked he liked too We were on the same page without needing to explain much and the chemistry was easy and natural It gave me confidence because it felt like he understood me and I understood him Now that it's over. I find myself worried about the future I'm afraid that i'm always gonna compare any new partner to him and that other people will not measure up I know relationships are more than just sex

But at the same time sexual compatibility matters a lot to me The idea of being disappointed or feeling like I cannot recreate that kind of connection scares me So my question is really two parts first how do i handle the fear of constantly comparing new people to someone from my past second how do i stay open-minded and remind myself that just because one person was compatible does not mean they're they're the only one who will ever be i don't want this fear to hold me back i think you're allowed to compare yeah compare take notes talk to your friends unless it's a serious relationship yeah i i don't think you can avoid this like i think it is inevitable like

we're i think because it's about like sex like sex you're feeling like this is something you shouldn't be doing but like we compare like how much we like someone to someone else that we like like we compare one chocolate cake to another why wouldn't you compare six we compare one pair of jeans that we try on to another pair of jeans that we try on like it is like of course like in if it's like well i have this at home or i want to read i want this thing like i think because you think it's people you think that's like a fucked up thing to do but like it's not like it's totally natural it's a very normal thing to do i think the second part of your question makes way more it's it's far more understandable of like uh how like or better for us to address of

like how do i get over the fear that like this is going to be the only one person because like you're allowed to compare you're allowed to think about that but like that just the second part is just not true like it it will not also because you've only had two sexual partners and the best sex you're ever going to have is not with the second person you've ever had sex with yeah you what i mean yep it's gonna get better because it's about you it's not about that you think it's about them and this was a sex buddy thing too so like if it's friends with benefits if it's bad there's no benefits so you would have dumped them and moved on to the next person so like i think being in a relationship changes sex i know there's been people that have wrote in that they were in serious

relationships and the sex was bad and they're like do i need to get out depends on how important sex is to you um but i think that for me personally in relationships the sex is just going to be better because there's other emotions going into it besides just the physical act of sex but like if you're going to the next sex buddy then you're just going to fuck them and if it's bad you move on if it's a serious relationship then i think that there are there's a trial period but it also like gets down to how well that person knows your body and how well you know their body and how comfortable you feel around them that will make sex better and so hopefully and so it's just a trial and error situation yeah because like you said it's comfortability and like sometimes with

like fuck buddies that there is this like very unique thing that happens there that like if the sex is bad like one said like you're not you leave like you're that is not you're not benefiting from that so like you tend to be more straightforward earlier on and you tend to be a little bit more direct and you don't have this like oh well i really have a crush you're not being like playing this like you know early stages of a relationship kind of version of yourself and i think like that the the comfortability you have with friends with benefits is exactly what you have in a long-term relationship but you actually have feelings there so like that that phase of being like well I'm just like you know it's so easy because I can ask for what I want

I can do all that stuff that is not like a difference between a relationship and a friends with benefits a relationship you get to that point it just takes you a little bit longer because like you do have feelings and so like you do have that like those like nerves and you have all of that kind of stuff but a friends with benefits the longer you're in that the it doesn't grow in a way that like oh that now these feelings are here and all of this so I think like it's very normal And I know a lot of people who like some of the best sex that they had, like, and that they did compare everyone to was like a fuck buddy, because it was like, that's really, really, really common. But it will never be the best sex that you have. Because if you are interested in having romantic relationship with someone, the sex will like just fundamentally be better because of that. And like, if you think about the sense of like, if you think of sex, like a birthday gift, like for a friend or any sort of gift or whatever, there's like, you know, a candle that you could randomly buy a friend that like, oh, turns out this is the exact kind of one that they like. And you bought it because you also like it.

So they didn't like it. You could keep it. And it just so happens to be a coincidence that you both like the same things. And then you have like a friend who's like your best, best friend you care about so much. You think about them, about what they want. you consider them you plan ahead for all of this kind of thing and like you just want to see them be so happy that's like the difference in like the attention and the care and the detail that goes into it so like you're having good sex isn't a matter of coincidence in terms of a long-term

relationship it's not like oh this is this works or this doesn't if you have feeling like really strong feelings for someone you will want to make the sex great and that person will also want to make the sex great and then inevitably the sex is better than any sex you've had because you actually have feelings for this person and specifically they're doing this for you because they care about you not just we happen to be in sync and we really both happen to like the same things so i think that it's a very normal feeling but maybe it's time to have some other good sex yeah branch out do it safely but let's just try out some other people exactly one out of two well you didn't say the other one wasn't that bad did you well you gotta have by the way

statistically you're gonna have to have some more sex yeah they're gonna have to and some of it will be bad yeah you're gonna and i need you to actually have a more bad sex too i need to have more good sex and more bad sex because like right now your ratio that's that is going to send you into a tailspin yeah but something we haven't said in a long time have some good wet wet sex wow yeah all right we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get into the next one Right now, for a limited time, everyone's part of the Buick team, even you. Buick's Employee Pricing for You event is on now. Get a purchase credit of up to $3,168 on a 2026 Buick Envision.

Surround yourself with signature Buick refinement, from an available massaging driver's seat to an expansive panoramic moonroof and a stunning ultra-wide 30-inch diagonal screen. Don't miss Buick's Employee Pricing for You event. Visit Buick.ca for more details. We're back. Time for the next. All right, here we go.

I am 23, she, her, and I live in Philly. I am calling about a situation that feels a little complicated. So here's the short version. I dated a guy for around six months and we broke up when he moved to another state for grad school. Honestly though, there were a lot of reasons I ended it. I had already been feeling done with the relationship and him leaving just made it easier to pull the plug. He is not a bad person, but he was really inattentive and put very little effort into being my partner. He was comfortable to the point of being checked out

and most of the time together we spent sitting around instead of actually doing things. On top of that, he was oblivious to the fact that I was giving so much more emotional support than I ever received back. We had originally started out as close friends, and he was a great friend before things turned romantic. That is what I miss the most. We broke up in May, so it has been about three months, and I really do not miss him as a boyfriend at all. I am actually relieved about that part, but I miss the friend he used to be. I miss having someone who could listen and relate to what I was going through. He is coming back in town for a couple of weeks

for a short visit and I have not spoken to him since we split. At the time I told him I did not want contact, but part of me wants to reach out anyway. I care about him and wonder how he's doing. So my question is, should I reach out? I truly do not miss the relationship, but I miss friendship.

And honestly, if hooking up happened, I would not mind, but that is not my main reason i really just want my friend back i don't understand how you can be a friend have a friendship with somebody but then when it turns romantic you cut the friendship part off what do you mean so they were friends before and she said when he was a friend he was a great listener and she misses the friendship part but then they got into a relationship and then he was inattentive and so but what part do you not understand i don't understand how like once he got into the relationship it was like none of the friendship mattered anymore he wasn't

being a friend he wasn't being a friend to her yeah i i'm also i hear you with that i'm also a little confused how that how that didn't make you think less of him as like a friend do what i mean like being in a romantic relationship with somebody that's your best friend that should be the best relationship that you have yeah so like i'm a little confused how you missed the friendship because to me this would have also tainted the friendship

the saying you wouldn't mind if you hooked up with love that feels very telling I yes it feels like you still

have feelings for him but you're just wanting to be like let's go back to being friends who like maybe hook up and maybe you'll be nice to me again and then that's the

relationship again yeah but you're like maybe if I don't tell him that it's a relationship then it'll be like the way it was before which means

I don't trust him no I don't trust him at all like it'd be one thing if like he reached out to you and like you had these feelings and you were like fuck it like that's just this might fuck me over this might like break my heart but like i want to go out on a limb and try it i do think it is crazy behavior to seek out that if that is not knocking on your door because like it sounds like you have feelings for him still i would be pretty confident

saying that even though if you think you don't i i think you do and also because like you don't go from friends to relationship without the friendship also having a very flirty base to it like there is some there's something there in the friendship that's not like going back to that friendship i'm like well it's not there's no way it was ever just a friendship because it led to more like there's more there so i think that like i don't know i think seeking out this from him um well to give you chaotic advice honestly it might give you the i actually have to be done with it experience because like you if you're getting in like the you know wistful nostalgic place as someone who's like been like that and has done that and like i will get in my head about

things sometimes i just like have to make the decision and like do the thing and then the reason why i'm not doing it is because i know it's going to like implode in my face and i know it's going to like it's going to give me a definitive answer of like yes or no sometimes you just need to do the thing that gets you to be able to move on from this so my my like sound advice is like no do not reach out to him get over him and my you know messy advice is if you are prepared to like if you need to rip the bandit off if you need to like get your heart broken before you can move on from this if you're having a hard time moving on or even if you're like still convinced that it's like it's just a friendship there's no romantic feelings there and like

you you do not then i say go for it and you know warn a friend yeah like prepare someone because like i maybe you don't realize it i say get away period don't talk to him again especially because you already said that you didn't want to be in contact with him and now i think you're feeling horny i think you are too so let's go find somebody else to be horny with and don't break you're no contact because why well and also like you don't going no contact is like not something you do with things that end well or like people that you that treat you well or that like you have a healthy relationship with i think you're feeling nostalgic which is understandable i i feel like that a lot and this is not the reality that you live in no

get out all right well we'll take a break when we get back we'll get to the next one okay we're back from our break you didn't see any of that and we're on to the next i'm 21 and i need advice on two things so first i've been dating my boyfriend for almost four years and recently told him that i think i might be bisexual ever since i've been super anxious and confused because i don't totally know what that means for me yet i love him and i don't want to lose what we have but i also don't want to ignore how i'm feeling it's stressing me out because i don't know what to do next and then the second thing is my family i'm finishing community college in december and the plan is to move in with my boyfriend when i transfer to a university

in january i told my parents and they completely shut it down the truth is that we don't have a good relationship we barely talk and when we do it usually ends badly what makes it worse is they're helping my older brother with his tuition and even his wedding at the same time but they've told me that i'm on my own it feels like they're trying to control my choices even though they're not really supporting me so i guess i'm stuck between two things figuring out my feelings and also figuring out how to stand up to my parents without blowing everything up i miss feeling in control of my life and right now i don't do you think you give me some advice on how to handle both if your parents aren't helping you then fuck them blow it up yeah like what does their opinion

matter if they're not paying for your tuition but they're helping your brother with school and a wedding child brad but like also like what's the consequence like what's like what like when you say it's gonna blow up like i don't want to blow up the like what's gonna happen because it doesn't sound like you have a great relationship with them and it doesn't sound like it's getting better doesn't sound like they're financially supporting you and so there is no way that you can like if you have if people have expectations of you with like no support giving like nothing in return and like you have to do all of this and still even when you do all of those things they're still upset they're never going to be happy like there is no way to to live your life

in a way that will please them because like this is the whole mo it's like the control is to make you feel like you constantly have to try and you constantly have to do better and it's just like this uphill battle that you're never going to win so knowing that like every knowing that everything disappoints them also means that nothing will please them and even if they say that like oh we're disappointed in this you should have done this if you did that they would be disappointed in that like it's just like a it's a cycle and a circle that keeps going around and around so i think that like you know it doesn't have to be forever because like you're 21 so like I don't, I think like, I don't know, you didn't write this in a way that makes me feel like I

would have written this at 21. Like I would have been a little bit more like definitive in my feelings towards them. So I don't want to like encourage you to be like, fuck them, like, you know, cut them off, do anything like that. I will gently suggest it, but you also don't have to make a forever decision at 21. Like you can take a break and you can take some space. And I also think that if you think if I take a break or some space for my family, I don't think they'd ever forgive me to me that says a lot more like you should be able to be like i need some space and not have that risk being like the integrity of your relationship for like the entire rest of time like i don't think that should happen and if you're worried about happening or you like

know for a fact that will happen that says a lot about who they are and how they treat you do you do you want to kiss a girl yeah that's that's a different conversation because if you want to explore your bisexuality then that means that you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend about what that means to your relationship does that mean opening it up does that mean breaking up i don't think it's breaking up because you you said you're moving in with him in december but does that mean like you get to explore things on your own and if so then you have to have that conversation and you have to realize that that may also have an effect on you moving in with him depending on what he says because he may want to be in a committed relationship only with

you and i'm not and there are plenty of bisexual people that are in um monogamous relationships but if you feel like you're missing out on something then that means that your relationship is going to have to change yeah and being in a relationship with him doesn't make you any less bi and being like you don't have to ignore how your feet like that can be that is the truth you're bi this is it is what isn't like that's doesn't mean that you're not being true to yourself or whatever like it's the same reason why being like a cis woman in a relationship with a woman who's bi just because she's not with a man doesn't mean that she's not bi like that's your identity is valid with whatever relationship that you are in so i think like

well i do wonder if the juxtaposition of this is maybe because you want to be single and you want to explore but you feel like your only way out of this family situation is moving in with him mm-hmm and in which case what puts you in a worse situation yeah you know like can you handle dealing with your parents for a little bit more time for that so and exploring this or are you like i literally cannot handle that at all then pick but like there is you are of the age that this is like this is not the time to make forever decisions but it is the time to make decisions it's not the time to just like stay stagnant in like where you're at and what you're doing especially while knowing that you're feeling like unfulfilled in some aspect

of your life but it is a time to make decisions that they might not always be good but like make the moves i think if you don't like make mistakes at this age you become the like mid to late 20s of being like paralyzed by decision making and being afraid of fucking up because it's easy to have never fucked up when you've never made a choice in your life and like you gotta get comfortable fucking up and in doing so you have to make choices yeah so if you want the control you have to make decisions yeah and also i'm curious when you're saying i miss having control with love when did you have control or the idea of control and then maybe before they their parents like if your parents were if your parents decisions mean that

much to you then maybe the parents decisions actually didn't affect her like them making or the money like anything with like them paying for things that didn't affect her before and she had more control and then also now she feels a little bit out of control with her romantic relationship too now that she's

realized that she's bi but why is your brother getting married in college and if it's like oh it's grad school you're busy that's even harder that's not a big deal as somebody from the south that's not a big deal to me

like planning a wedding and having finals the way that that would give me the biggest anxiety attack of my life like I don't even like when my to-do list

gets that long you're gonna do school and have a wedding my two least favorite things planning a wedding and going to school wow it's impressive

I guess also also he's older and she's 21 so yeah that's that doesn't seem like

that big of a deal to me Anyone who gets married under 30 is a child bride to me. No. I know. All right, we're going to take another break, and when we get back, we'll get into the last one. All right, next one. I-26, she, her, need some advice about my boyfriend. We started seeing each other in November, kind of casually at first. It wasn't official, but we did agree to be exclusive. He didn't want me talking to my ex, and I felt the same way about his, so we were on the

same page there. During the first few months, everything seemed fine. Well, at least I thought it was. I was totally fateful the whole time. But toward the end of spring, things got rough. He started snapping at me and saying some hurtful stuff. I know he struggles with mental health and I tried to be understanding, but I couldn't handle it anymore. So I ended things. A little while later, he wanted to get back together and I gave him another chance. That's when he admitted that while we were supposed to be exclusive, he actually slept with his ex. Obviously, that crushed me and I broke it off again. Fast forward a few months and somehow we ended up trying again. Now we've been officially dating for about three months. For the most part, things are good. But

every now and then he still slips into the verbal stuff. And more than anything, I just can't shake the thought of what happened. I keep asking myself, how do I rebuild trust after that? Can I? Am I being stupid for even trying? Because even though I love him, the memory of that betrayal keeps popping up and it makes it so hard to feel secure in this relationship. So yeah. How do you learn to actually trust someone again after they've broken it once? He's verbally abusive. I don't like. Yeah. There's nothing to, to rebuild. Yeah. Like he's been verbally abusive to you twice now, once after, like when you were initially together and then now after you gave him a second chance like even if that's how he treats a second chance

right even if he didn't cheat on you he's still verbally abusive to you yeah and like this is your gut like this is your intuition your gut like screaming at you because you're not getting over this because you won't get over this because you're not going to get over this because you shouldn't get over this because there's nothing to get over because you're still in this like this is one of like it's the treat how he is treating you is still disrespecting you which is how cheating on you was was disrespecting you and like people can grow people can change but like you're not the people it's him who needs to grow and who needs to change and then you make that decision after you've seen that but like even if you felt this way and like

he had put all this work in but you couldn't get over it you're still well within your right to be like i'm done i can't get over this and that's on that's fine so i'm done with the relationship and like you can be well i did all of this for what then it's like for you because you fucked up and like you should be a better person exactly and so this to me is like he's so clearly not a better person or learning from this at all and you're trying to find a way to figure out how that is your fault and like how your feelings towards his lack of change and towards his continual shitty behavior how can you adjust your feelings to the behavior that he has shown you he's capable he that's the only behavior he's capable of giving you so you don't

like you asked if you're being stupid with love you're not being stupid but you are not being smart you're being in this yeah you're not you're leading with this through an experience and like just wanting this to be different and wanting to change um and this is just not it like there is not this is you would feel so differently you would feel so differently if this was the right relationship for you like all relationships require hard work but it requires two people and it's like the people you want to make it work with you can't want to make it work enough for the both of you and i think that's like abundantly clear in this is that he probably doesn't see an issue with him his behavior oh and like you're instead now you're finding an issue

with how you're feeling about his behavior versus his behavior like you're not asking us like how do i change him you're like how do i change and how do i get over this because this is who he is and i think like even in your phrasing like you know this is what he does i also don't understand that it wasn't official but we agreed to be exclusive i can't even that doesn't mean anything by the way everybody it means nothing no that means nothing and like men will cheat stop giving them loopholes to make them feel like they are defending their which they're gonna do anyway they're gonna defend tonight but i'm like why are we doing this if you want to be in a relationship with somebody then you need to be in a relationship with somebody like you're never going to scare

someone away who's like the right person for you who's mature and ready to be in that place by being like the cool girl right and he didn't want me talking to my ex and and i didn't want him talking to his ex it sounds like neither one of y'all were ready to move on from your exes no i mean he would and then he fucked his ex like why were you still talking to them and jumping into a new non-relationship yeah and then you followed the rules and he didn't y'all gotta stop stop letting these men try to have loopholes because they'll make a loophole out of anything but i think like it is and i homework for anybody who hasn't read or seen gone girl like please watch it or if you have like caught yourself in this cycle of like

shitty guys shitty behavior or like how did i end up in the situation watch it again because like i think there is something so impactful about like dismantling this idea of being cool and like what being cool is what being cool is is like giving a like fucking willy wonka ticket like walk all over me like it is giving an opportunity to someone of that and then creating these loopholes for them to be like here's the way that like i'm going to like make myself the most palpable version palatable version of myself that's the most desirable to you that's such a watered down version of me and I'm going to be cool with all of these things and be chill with all these things and then somehow think at the end of the day I'm going to find a way to have you do everything that I want

and everything that I need when you've never I've never even told you what I want I've never even told you what I need and I don't feel comfortable doing that because like I'm going to silently change myself to fit to exactly what you need and I'm hoping you're going to do the same and men are never going to do that they're never going to do that they're just going to take and take and take and take and take and once you this first time that you stop doing that and you realize oh there are men out there who like if i do this behavior i'm going to make ever it is going to fail no matter what like there are this is not the solution this is not how everyone you see in a relationship got there that is like not how this works it's just it ends in gone girl and you might snap

And please don't let it get that far. No, I would kill though. Maybe like before you like end it with him, just like sit there and watch Gone Girl. All right. That's the end of our episode. Thank you so much for listening. Join us tomorrow for Fisting Friday,

Monday for But Am I Wrong, Tuesday for CNX Tuesday, Wednesday, take a break. And then Thursday, we'll be back for another episode. Don't blame me. Yeah, boy. and don't forget to check out Gavin Newsom on social media

give yourself a giggle alright well bye oh yeah bye this is a sister sign production hosted by me Megan Rinks and me Melissa D. Montz plus Diamond Imprint Productions post production by Coco Lorenz

production assistance by Melanie D. Watson And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.