Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Dating Your Cousin's Ex

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Rude Wedding Planner Friend isn't giving the same energy Paying too much for a bachelorette party Picking your cousin or your ex Getting over an ex that used you for emotional support Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everyone hi we just spent like 20 minutes fangirling over renee rap yeah and shipping renee rap and kiki palmer and talking about how like we would all be such good friends what a little squad and yeah so we finally decided hey we should probably actually record our podcast and this is don't blame me pod i haven't said that in so long oh that used to be our instagram name but this is don't blame me where we megan and melissa give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice that will change your life for better or for worse buckle in buckle in buckle up either one works okay buckle up buttercup is the same but you can buckle in for the ride yeah i think you can i think you can i have a vivid memory of going on

the ring of fire which is also a term that they use in birth but there was a roller coaster at my county hold on hold on what ring of fire that's when the baby's head is like right i did it when you said it but i've never heard it yeah yeah birth becomes a hyper fixation of mine every once in a while like if i was not squeamish i feel like i would have enjoyed working in that space i just think it's so cool i know how to deliver baby i could imagine a group of 15 six year 16 year olds in a classroom watching a birthing video in medical honor society and you just see this woman with the hairiest vagina you've ever seen in your life how she yeah get it girl yeah i mean she can't see down there and she's sitting it looked like a bed so i don't even think it was

i think it might have been a home birth and you just see the juices pouring out of her okay and then pull over your car if you're driving the baby's head coming out and it's you think about your how you're how you can just stick your finger up in there and you're like okay i can feel the tightness imagine a whole baby's head coming out and that's how big the hole is stretching yeah shit's a little bit in it okay okay i'm good so moving on um there was a roller coaster called the ring of fire where it's just a single loop and i remember going on it because they weren't being protective enough and they said you're tall enough but they didn't ask if i was broad enough and my little shoulders were slipping through and then i had to be held in by someone

else because they noticed and they just put their hand over me and it's terrifying so that's what i when it's buckling yeah when i i think we've both told stories the same stories that story you just told but you didn't say it was called the ring of fire but i was also on a roller coaster that was the batman roller coaster at universal studios loop-de-loop i think no superman superman big difference yeah there is because you have a preference one has superpowers and one doesn't there is a big difference well i prefer the one with superpowers because the other one superpowers just wealth which okay and what don't give elon musk any ideas how about you actually people weren't used to call him that and it's like how about you actually like donate your money to

causes instead of like or why don't you sponsor an up-and-coming superhero i mean he does do that with robin that is what he does he does that a lot actually he does robin robin has powers no robin is also a vigilante with no superpowers but he is his adoptive ward that he takes in and then trained him which to me seems like i don't know child abuse training a child to be a super also that's find a super child like find someone who like can't ignore their destiny like we don't need the people who don't have like come on a lot of people in the dc universe unless they like are otherworldly they just have like powers that they came up with they're not superpowers it's like money or they get like a ring that has there's not a lot of radioactive spiders

biting people yeah yeah and when there's like radioactive stuff it's a lot of like villains so but maybe if he started early then they wouldn't turn into villains yeah maybe if he used that money in a different way like funding i was like what community treasure hunts i know i was gonna ask you about that if you were that was like an intentional look you can check out the video version on patreon to see melissa adjusting the framing um because there was it looked like one of those lamp it's the the regular oh i know it's your desk lamp yeah it first it did for a minute look like it was one of those um hair salon hair dryers which wouldn't hate having that at home just to sit i used to have them i just don't like

being hot under there well you can put the cool setting on and just have cold air blowing on you yeah and for four hours you know if that works well welcome back um we're gonna give some amazing wonderful life-changing advice and how when might we be qualified to do that there are two answers exactly stop asking questions and maybe a third answer which is what we lack in credentials we make up for in opinions which like onions ours are very layered sometimes we change our mind and we're allowed to do that so are you unlike onions we smell daisy fresh i don't like an onion not the smell well if it's cooking a cooked onion and i want to eat it i don't want to smell an onion if i'm i don't love a raw one no you're right i don't want to want i don't want an onion

in the wild i'm on an onion and in onion circumstances and when i said fresh as a daisy i meant mark jacobs daisy fragrance do you wear that i do well that smells very different on you then you haven't smelled it i don't ever just wear it in the house oh my god you don't put it on for me no sorry that's fine well then i'd be curious because that i knew someone who wore it growing up and so like it is so associated but there have been a couple of people who have worn it and i haven't noticed because it smells obviously different on different people um like when i wanted to try the ariana grande fragrance and i sprayed it on me and um it dried down and smelled like cigarettes in a frat bathroom and i was like this is not good on me and it smells so

good on other people it's probably how she smells though cigarettes in a frat bathroom with a little spritz of aqualina pink sugar over top anyway well to give you a lowdown if this is your first time here not only are we wonderful amazing human beings who give fantastic advice we're also gorgeous and we have faces that are that bring you to your knees exactly in whatever context you want maybe you're like gotta pray for them or you're like sucka sucka so to that i say you might love our patreon so you can watch the video versions of these podcasts you can also listen ad free there and we do live streams twice a month which are very fun we hang out it is literally like a zoom hangout with us and other people who have been a part of patreon for a while

we also have those recorded up on there so if you want to like get a vibe check i promise it is like the most chill vibe ever except for when we start arguments but i mean it's this is not like um hey were doing a moderated q a and like we're sitting there in a pantsuit like you know it is it's very very cash and it's a great time that we have so much fun doing so if you would like to participate and join please do you also can join the patreon and hold off for a while before doing the live streams if you would like we use yourself in we got new stuff coming too i know we've been teasing it for a while but legit next week hold on to your keisters because something will be there at your butt yeah yeah we had a meeting about it and then they asked the end like any additional

questions i was like only questions i have are about my bug bites and i'm gonna google that later you did say that i did say that business meeting that you're like do i need to put makeup on for it and i was like why because i picked my skin yesterday before and so i was like let me touch this up a little bit so there are multiple ways that you can participate in this podcast where we give you advice you can call us you can leave us a voice memo and email it to us or you can also send us a dm or an email with your predicament written out so if you want to do a voicemail or voice memo for the voicemail you can call us at 310-694-0976 and international listeners if you want to send a voice memo you can send it to meganpodcast at gmail.com for both

of those you have to keep it under three minutes and let us know your age and if there's other people involved in the story the situation let us know their ages as well if you would like to let us know your pronouns feel free to do so you also do not have to it's all anonymous so aliases come up with an alias um like a a name not a number or you know a b c something like that something where you can follow along and we always recommend that you write it all down first practice it a few times, time it, make sure you're under those three minutes and you have all that relevant information because we can only go off of the info you give us. So we want that call, that voice memo to have all the juicy, juicy things. So we can help you out because, you know, we're

funny and we're cute and we're cool, but like we also do want to give you some relevant advice. And then for the written versions, email it to the same place, meganpodcast.gmail.com, or you can send us a dm over on instagram but keep those under 300 words and all the same things there just age pronouns if you would like and it's anonymous we have a write-in update hi guys i am the original caller from don't blame me episode titled breaking up over cultural differences my original call was regarding rude wedding planning i took your advice and spoke with Meredith this past weekend because her and Derek and I went to dinner. We rehashed the entire situation from her shower and she was so emotional and stressed about what transpired. I feel so bad

because she has definitely received a lot of shit from Amelia and our family in general the past six years of their relationship. You guys are definitely on the nose about the Islamophobia and racism behind her muslim identity we are greek orthodox and a lot of our family members are off the boat from greece which doesn't excuse their behavior and their ideas but offers a bit more context i guess together we decided that the best move for the wedding is to keep amelia busy by keeping her out of the behind the scenes wedding stuff she also started dating this guy a year ago and they are very quote unquote in love. Eye roll emoji, barf emoji. He's coming to the wedding so they believe that she will pretty much be preoccupied with him the entire time. I

feel bad for both Meredith and Derek because the entire process of planning this wedding sounds very draining. I reassured them that I'm on their side with all of this and their anger and hurt is 100% justified. They talked about how they will be putting up major boundaries with our family going forth, so we just need to get through this wedding. Hopefully everything goes smoothly. I will update you guys if anything goes down at the wedding, but fingers crossed. Also, Melissa, my name has one S. I also love Amelia in the show, but it felt right since she's Derek's sister. I also love Maggie, but felt like the dynamic between the three ladies would be off for the situation because Amelia is definitely the villain in this love you both thanks for the advice x x o

x o I don't remember how long they said until the wedding but I'm just going to put it out there that the good vibes that the shitty cousin and her boyfriend don't break up before then because that we need her dick drunk for that we need her dick we need her like actively within like the chokehold of uh digmatize like she needs to be in active digmatization because i worry that if they break up there will be a fire lit under her that will need to be contained by like locking her out of the venue yeah it's going to turn into like a reality show flipping tables very quickly well that did happen on real housewives of new jersey where uh they were at a i think it was a wedding it was some type of family gathering

same person that flipped tables she also got in a fight which transpired to that song that you waking up in the morning but that it was a whole family brawl jersey baby yeah jersey well shit happens it does but i'm sending you positive vibes yeah i think you're very good family member for all of this and yeah you know even if it doesn't feel like in the moment that there might not feel like a ton of appreciation because it's bare minimum but like but i'm sure it's really nice for the couple to like know that in the in the sea of chaos and shit every time they see your face in this they're like okay cool like this is we we know there's someone on our in our in our end so thanks for the update and i hope everything

goes smoothly and if not lock her out lock her out lock her out tvt what a time anyways shall we get into some present day advice we should but after we take a break wow what a wonderful break we had i hope that was good for you and let's hop on in Hi Megan and Melissa. I am a 25-year-old Scorpio and use he, him pronouns. I am calling for advice on a friendship that I have been debating on ending. We will call him James. James is a 36-year-old male that I've known for about five years now. James and I met through work, although we hardly worked together at first. In 2018, James and I started working more together when he picked up

more hours and needed to be trained by me for certain job functions. As we worked together more, we would have more casual conversations, and at the time he was going through a separation with his wife. To my knowledge, he didn't have many close friends to confide in, and I ended up being the one he kind of vended to about things, leading to more conversations about common interests, hobbies, and eventually what I would consider a base-level friendship. I've always been told slash observed that I can handle myself as more mature for my age, so this wasn't super out of the ordinary to me. Since then, we've maintained a good friendship, we would hang out after work, talk almost every day, go to the gym together, etc. We had deep conversations and I would even

say that for a while he was one of my best friends. We've had some disagreements in our friendship and there were moments where we definitely weren't as close as we always had been in the beginning. In the beginning of 2021, we both no longer worked in the same location and James actually got into a relationship. So while we still talked often, the pandemic and his new relationship cut back on our friendship and I started to notice that I'd be asking slash suggesting for hangouts more. New relationship, I get it. My biggest issue with our friendship is how much I'm putting into it versus how much he does. In May of 2022, I had already taken a few steps back from our friendship over the last six months to focus on myself when he asked me to be

his best man in his wedding. I said yes because I was still happy for him and his wife, how much they loved each other. And again, it seemed I was his closest friend. I was the only one at the wedding from his side while everyone else was there for the bride. I figured that obviously our friendship meant a lot to him. The problem is he is always asking me to do more laborious things rather than hang out or just a simple coffee outing. Before the wedding and ever since then, he has either asked me if I can do something for him, be it fix something, help him move, etc. Anytime I've helped him, he always has to cut it short to get somewhere else, back to the wife or some other thing. He's always got an excuse for the rare times I ask him if he wants to hang out,

and he always comes up with these ideas of hanging out, dinner, gym, something, but never follows up on it. Recently, he sent me a photo of us from three years ago saying it, quote, randomly popped up, but it wasn't even an anniversary of the photo. He's also brought up times we've hung out before out of the blue. What should I do? Part of me feels as if he wants to use me for help slash anything I know or have skills with, while the other part of me just doesn't think he understands how he comes across he's always said i'm his best friend like a brother and that if his wife is number one that i'm number two i've talked to him before about the one-sidedness vibes i've felt before and he's promised to fix that but yet here i am rarely

texting him anymore and feeling more content about it and less sad thoughts love the pod so if you're watching the video version caller we need to explain to you our reaction at first So when Melissa was pulling the calls, I was impersonating like a deep voice for a story, like for something I was telling Melissa. And at the same time I was doing that, your voice, because while she was trying to pull calls, accidentally clicked on it. So yours started playing, so jumped out. And so when yours started, I didn't realize that this was the call that we were getting first. And I immediately got it that I was like, oh, this was what you heard in mine. um and so if you saw us just be like ah that it was sad um and you have a gorgeous voice yeah you

should be a dipsy actor i was about to say not to like sexualize you but like first of all never in my life like you don't talk fast and usually if people don't talk fast i can't understand what they're saying there is something about like the cadence the tone and like the artic like the is it articulate articulation articulation yeah of how like you you pronounce every consonant vowel like it is like like i felt it i felt like i was learning how to read for the first time i'm a professional audiobook director so i've heard all sorts of voices and i think you would excel in the genre wonderful like i would have paid attention like you could read me things that i don't know i just listen i pay attention just to get that compliment out of the way

And this, I'm really glad that at the end you said like you're feeling kind of content with where things are at. And the fact that you said that you've already brought this up, the one-sidedness, I don't really think it matters what the reason is. Like if he is just using you or if it's subconscious and he doesn't know that he's doing it because the result is still the same and how you feel about it is still the same. So I've been in friendships like this before where things are it's not like this. And then someone starts dating someone and that becomes a priority, which, again, is totally fine. But then where you get to fill in essentially a spot number two, it's like, well, the things that they can't do. and so like could you help me do this thing that is out of their scope and it's like I'm not a task rabbit like this is just it's you're not getting the same thing out of it that he is and so something like going to the gym or going to dinner or like hanging out whatever that is like

that is mutually beneficial but coming over and quote-unquote hanging out but like fixing something and then having to like wrap up and leave early that is a task that's not anything that like you're getting anything out of either but if he spends if he's someone who like really like throws everything into romantic relationships you might be that might be the only friendship hanging out that he's giving to anyone so like i mean i think it's obvious yeah like you're getting a hundred percent of his friendship effort and so for him he's giving you a hundred percent of that but he doesn't have a hundred percent of that to give he's done even have like three percent of that to give like and some people are just like that they're very like

one track with you know relationships and i i think it's also there's an added element of like awkwardness in the sense because you are his best you're his number two and you're like i mean he's definitely not your number two so i think like if you're cool with where things are at and just like being like you know not wanting more not asking more and like every once in a while the thing i would say is like if you're cool with that i would make sure that like if he asks you to come do stuff you don't say yes to that like don't take those crumbs but like you know send someone a pic like every once in a while i don't know that there needs to be like a final text that you send or like this is the end of relationship it just feels like slowly drifting apart but i also don't

think you'd be like out of this like in the wrong or being dramatic if you did say i don't think that this like friendship is good for me anymore yeah yeah yeah i think it's i mean if he didn't have one person on his side at their wedding except for you he is all relationship with his wife and doing man tasks with you i guess yeah well like is he helping you or are you just coming over and just doing the whole task and then he's dipping to go do something with his wife like how is he spending all his day that's a very good question that's what i i want to know like where when he says he has to go is he going with his wife like what is his next task but it does it seems very like for you one-sided and then to him it may be like no it's not i hang out with you

and i will say the thing about the memories like things popping up i do get things that aren't on the day like i got something from thanksgiving of what like a couple days ago that was the thanksgiving from like five years ago so it does not always pop up on the day yeah because like time hop will come up on the day but the apple ones like i have ones of being sometimes they'll just make those random collection where they're like babies i'm just like it's just every photo of a baby in my phone and i'm like okay and sometimes it'll be like a baby in the back like me taking a photo of like a cityscape and there's like a baby on an advertisement and then it's like zoomed in on i was like this is so fucking weird yeah i'll have like a doll that like a baby doll

and it'll be in the collection it looks creepy um but yeah so that that's you know neither here nor there but ask him what the definition of a friend is because you've already asked you've already told him that you felt like it was one-sided but ask him what a definition of a friend is and to him a definition of a friend is maybe just be somebody that i do household chores with and share my problems and that's it but if you're not getting what you need out of this relationship leave but if you're like okay i realize what this is like he needs me there to vent and do chores with him then you may be his best friend but he's not your best friend and that's fine i do think that like this is really clear that he is because like you met

when he was going through a divorce five years ago and he's already married to someone else now and he might think that like friendships are like you know the people like calling when you need someone like someone who you can count on which he's not wrong but you have to like if friendship is like tokens you can't play those tokens if you haven't passed these other levels and you haven't been maintaining playing all these other levels like you have to you can't just go in for that when you have not and you know in dire situations when like things are like really hard if you're going through like a mental health crisis and you've like pulled back like totally but there is a difference between like oh i just reach out when i need something but then he needs

to also think like oh do you reach out when you need something like and then if you don't need anything at that point there are friendships where i think like mutually beneficial where you both reach out when you do this thing for me and then i can do this thing for you because we both work in the same field where we both do this kind of thing and it's a back and forth that is like a mutually beneficial co-worker friend a relationship but if that's not being if it's on a two-way street then you are just like an unpaid task rabbit so you seem like cool and fun and the fact that you are content with this is like all you need to know like i'm a big believer in like uh some soft launching changes in my own life and being like i'm gonna like take a step

back from this kind of thing and then see how i feel because i don't you don't know that i'm not gonna make a decision but i'm going to like do something temporary to like try it on and see if this is a choice i want to make and clearly like you're already you're already good with this so There's no need to try and salvage something that you've kind of already made peace with the fact that it's not something that you prioritize. Yeah. But I'm sorry, it's still fucking annoying.

Very much so annoying. But, you know, you have friends for different reasons in your life. And next time you move, only call him. He has to move your entire life. Okay. I am the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. I've been planning her bachelorette party. we were having issues with guests not being able to come one girl had family issues and another

got into it with the bride and they currently aren't speaking now there are only a couple of us left making the trip very expensive there are a lot of costs with the wedding and my personal expenses how can i make the bride understand that this trip is too expensive and we need to change things up so it doesn't hurt the remaining guest pockets well my instinct is to tell not ask like you know i think that like when you're asking someone to contribute or pay their way for something that is wedding related i don't think that you have all of the control then as the like if you're paying for your wedding you have all the control if you have parents were paying for your wedding you don't have all the control like whoever is paying has stake in this

and so at that point i would just say like hey i just want to give you a heads up um because these other people aren't gonna be able to come this is the cost it's be individually and there's no way that we're gonna be able to do that so this is the other this is what i think we'll do instead and then it's like no i really want to do that one and it's like okay so then you would need to cover the cost difference and like at that point it's like do you would you rather have a bachelorette part would you rather have your friends go to a bachelorette party would you rather have them go to the wedding yeah it's like if you can't afford to go you can't afford to go so you can't just pull money out of nowhere so she either wants you there or she doesn't and then if you drop out then

it's going to be even more money for everyone else and then also are y'all paying for her portion because i know sometimes people do that too are y'all splitting up her portion and if so like that is that's that's so much money like that's so much money especially when people are dropping out so yeah you've got to adjust what you're doing according to the number of people that are coming and she should understand that and you know I think I think if you talk to her

she got into it with another brain I know I think if you talk to her and she isn't receptive then that it is what it is like you if you can't go you can't go so she gotta figure that shit out

before you go I'm sorry you're in that situation that sucks that really sucks that sucks so bad like i i don't know how i feel about the whole like you know the the phrase like it takes a village being used to like raise a child i totally agree but like it feels like we have kind of like transferred like it takes a village like over to like planning a wedding and it's like hold up what like it's just i think like the idea of like a native honor planning a bachelorette party like that can be so sweet for certain people who like

really want that and like that's very cool but like right now you are like a sorority social event chair but the budget is your it's your money and your advisor is the bride like it's just it's just such a like a awkward and stressful dynamic that you know and i guess a lot of it is like you pay it forward where it's like you do this and then you know that like other people do it for like your wedding and things like that i feel like people need to then like get married pretty quickly afterwards because as soon as you go to like more than five weddings you have spent so much money you don't even want to spend money on your own yeah okay i do like looking hot though um yeah all right let's take another break

we're back and it's time to get into the rest i recently hooked up with a guy i found out my cousin hooked up with years ago we eventually lost contact not because of my cousin just naturally i found out later that my cousin was hurt by this recently we became reacquainted again and are now dating it's been years since everything went down and my cousin is upset that we're now dating how do i go about mending our relationship i have no intentions of breaking things off with my now boyfriend i have to say that the word cousin and boyfriend was not used nearly enough in this um because every couple times i was like you're not with your cousin i was like boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend what kind of cousins are you

y'all aren't that close you know because like i have like i have a ton of cousins and some yeah i've never talked to her there's a ton of cousins that i haven't talked to in years some of them they might be walking down the street i wouldn't even know them because i have a lot of cousins yeah and so like i feel like if we had dated the same person be like the same as somebody i randomly just passed by the hallways with somebody in college you know that kind of thing so i don't know if you didn't know like did y'all know beforehand like did your boyfriend know beforehand that's my question because i think like in terms of like friendships like any familial relationships or whatever if like you have someone who is like off limits or you don't have to tell

me that that person's off limits but like i know their name i know what they look like and i know who they are to you so like if i know about them i'm not gonna hook up with them i'm not gonna date that like do you like it's one of those things that is like but if it's if it's something that like i don't know we've had that like high school or whatever we like hook up with someone so i was like oh i actually like liked them like how could you that i'm like but i didn't know how was i supposed to fucking know and so i think in that case like if it was like you had heard about him but like you just didn't put the dots together regardless of like how it came to be i do think that even if she didn't say it the first time and like you know you know you didn't know about the

person and then you start and then can she you found it afterwards and then she's like all pissed about that i think that you know in that initial instance i if it happened that way like i don't think you did anything like that i wouldn't do but i do think that you know the second time when you know that she was mad about it and then you reconnected and then you like start dating. You already know that she was mad. So like, I don't think you can act surprised that she is still mad about it. So sometimes we make choices and we know that they're going to piss people off. But like, we have to deal with that.

Like, we just have to accept that there are certain things that are we gain that we have to lose something else. And so I think any kind of point in like trying to like mend this. your summer travels deserve an upgrade with select chevrolet buick gmc and cadillac vehicles connected by on star you can stream game and more on the go whether you're headed to a music festival or a cottage getaway you can access hundreds of apps on google play right from your center display explore on star tech today at on star.ca and discover how to take your summer to the next level on star better never stops i i if i was on the other end would think would come from

a very disingenuous side because it's like well we didn't have to be here to begin with and like you knew i'd be pissed and so like stand by your decision yeah you guys stand by your decision especially if there's somebody that you're in love with and you're like we ain't breaking up nothing can tear us apart even my cousin who is still clearly in love with you how long have they've been broken up yeah because that a little weird at this point like did she think that she was gonna marry this dude yeah i need y'all's ages because like if she's like 35 acting like this i'll be like too old for that if she's 22 acting like this i'll be like she'll eventually get over it yeah i think if you wanted to protect this relationship with her you wouldn't be with him

and like I don't want to say that in a cunty way because like that's fine like you're allowed to think that like she has no right to be upset about this or like that it's like very trivial and silly and like your relationship is much stronger and better with him that's totally fine but you can't have both like you can't you can't it might change later down the road but I think the best thing to do then is just to give space and just be like hey I know that you're really upset by this and i obviously would love to like maintain a relationship with you and my door's always open but like i don't want to you know harass you and like you know keep coming after you for this when like you're clearly upset and you have every right to be upset so like

my door's open whenever like if you would ever want to mend this so yeah there is something a little bit like are you fucking kidding me when like someone does something that's like they know will piss you off like how can i make it up to you and i'm like okay but you knew i would not be cool with it and then you did it and then you're like well how can i fix it and i'm like but you didn't care like you didn't you knew that this is going to be the result so like just stick with it and that's okay like sometimes we do things that piss people off and we can be the wrong in in doing that or we can be you know right in doing that it just it happens because you're looking out for your happiness in your romantic relationship but not your happiness

in your familiar relationship you gotta choose one what do you want more you already made your choice what you wanted more hope it's fun i would love to know more details about the relationships though and the ages last one last one hi megan and melissa my ex-boyfriend 26 they them and i 27 she her dated 2.5 years an open relationship was something we spoke of sometime for the future because we both have inklings that we had a lot of self-discovery to do We stayed in a committed monogamous relationship for almost two years, though, because we love each other more than anything and couldn't imagine losing each other. They were truly my best friend. We understood each other in a way that felt like they were seeing my soul and I was seeing theirs.

At the beginning of the relationship, they identified as a heterosexual cisgender male. I identified as a bisexual, although I had only ever dated men. two years into the relationship they started crushing on someone who was more masculine presenting that surprised them and we decided to open up the relationship so that they could explore which was hard for me but i didn't want to hold them back they realized they are queer and non-binary and still attracted to women i took a month break to focus on ourselves we took a month break to focus on ourselves thinking we could get back together after the month they said they didn't want to be with me anymore and they were dating the new person. I am so unbelievably proud

of them but I feel broken inside and can't move on. Towards the end of the relationship they pushed me away as they got to know this person this new person but still used me as their primary emotional support processing their new identity. Now they seem relieved cutting everything off and I'm questioning myself worth and if the indescribable bond we had was even real i just want my best friend back do you have any advice for how to move on from this thank you that's heartbreaking yeah i'm mad at them for you i wish you were more mad at them yeah i agree i was in a relationship with a man he was all he was gay and he wasn't out and i came upon information that pointed me in the direction of him dating a man being with a man and i was like who and i had that same feeling

of being hurt but also like wanting them to be in their truth and so i i think the problem here was that they shouldn't have it shouldn't have been an open relationship it should have never been opened up because they wanted to be with this other person and didn't want to be with you and they should have broken up with you instead of being open because they were kind of like kind of just hedging to see if this other person would be interested instead of just being honest with what they were actually feeling and that's the hurtful part because they were using you for emotional support. And I think it was real. I think it was very much real. Like it wasn't a completely honest realness to it. So now you're questioning why they were even with you to begin

with. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I know you want your best friend back, but a real friend wouldn't treat you like this. Like in a way where they just completely shut you out instead of being honest with who they are and what they meant to you and what you meant to them. So it hurts, but I don't think there's any like getting them back because they don't want to be got back and like they aren't a prize to be won. I say take time to process this and like just think back on what the relationship was and think about the good times, but also realize that you at the end of the day you weren't going to be everything that they needed and that's not on you it's on them for not being honest with you yeah i agree with all of that i think like

the wanting wanting your best friend back like if you can just like try and like fraction off your feelings into like dealing with them individually because like there are so many factors of this that like if you compile them all together that feels really overwhelming so losing a friend you've probably lost a friend before and so treating that like when it is a relationship that like truly is a friendship mourning that is not any different than mourning the friendship lost in a relationship and so for that it's like okay well take away these other factors here that make you think that you need to be more sympathetic to this like you wouldn't be cool with a friend treating you like this and you also wouldn't be cool with one of your friends

partners treating them like that like it's just something that you know there's a lapse of communication in the sense of like calling something like we're going to open it up and then what it really was was kind of a break in a trial run where you were pretty misled into what the expectations of it were because it wasn't like oh hey I want like Melissa like I want a trial run of like this other person and that's something that like I don't think the person who you've said like, you know, was your other half and like, was your best friend all that? I don't think that if they really are still that person, I don't think five years down the road, they're going to look back on that decision and be like, that was really kind of me. And I'm glad that I did

it that way. So there's a lot of just like time and processing, like emotions just fuck up our thought process. Like there's just, it just is like when we act on things that even if we think we're giving them a lot of thought when they're driven by emotion the thought is like not the thought is in a caravan four cars behind like it's like you think it's there but there's it's being led with pure emotion there and so you can forget then that other people are going to have emotional responses to your emotional actions so i think like i don't think that you fucked up at all by wanting to give your partner like the you know space to figure their things out but i think that they took that in a very different way and i i think that was like really just point blank

shitty of them like i just think that's shitty and i think you can be upset at that that doesn't mean you're upset that they have discovered more about themselves or they're happy with where they're at. Like you can be upset at someone's actions and still care about them as a person and still want good things for them. But like, you know, you can identify as a good person and like me myself, like I've done shitty things that I'm not proud of. And that's just something that I have to live with and hope that I do better again. And I hope I like continue to grow and progress in my life to the point where like I can, you know, be confident that I'm not going through my day-to-day accidentally harming people because it's it's when you hurt someone accidentally

and when you hurt someone on purpose the result is the same and so I think that like you a little bit are trying to you're trying to just like you're trying to talk down your emotions because you're looking at this big picture and this is someone you really care about and all of that like we tend to take shit from people who we care about a lot more than people we don't and so I think fractioning off those things and kind of like breaking it down piece by piece and processing it piece by piece will be a lot easier and the part of like getting your best friend back you had that like the same way that like you're not going to get fourth grade back you're not going to get your middle school dance back you're not going to get prom back like those things happened

and they shape you as a person and they are memories that you tell later on in life they're things you look back on fondly or not fondly but even the best things in life and relationships that are currently going on they're never going to be the same from the day they were before and that's a hard part of like I find growing up is like recognizing that those kinds of things change but the thing that's helped me is realizing that because they're not just because they're not like they are like they were before doesn't mean that they were never like that doesn't mean that there was no truth behind that in the moment because there are people who I'm no longer friends with or in relationships with and I can still look back and know that like how I felt for

them I actually did feel for them like I really like you know really cared about people I dated or friendships like I used to really like love those people and I don't think like oh that was all an elaborate lie that I concocted in my head I don't think that but like I don't have those feelings for them now currently and I just think that to see someone else who's moved on really quickly from that that feels like oh they didn't have those feelings and a shitty fucking thing is a lot of people will mourn a breakup while they're still in a relationship so i think you need to think of them as like farther ahead in this process than you so it's not a matter of it didn't mean the same thing to them as it did to you it's just that they've gone through those

steps already and i don't think it's fair i don't think it's like i don't think it's kind and people do that have i done it yes lots of people have done it but it sucks that the only real answer there is time and and space so like the advice like we give everyone with breakups is like mute them don't text them don't see what they're posting on socials like really take that space to like remove them from your life and then fill that gap in your life with other things because when you're with someone for a long time who is like your best friend your other half you i don't know if you text them about certain things or like you'd have these dinner plans all of those things like so you need to instead of just like sitting home on the couch doing nothing

when the time could have spent being with them you need to do things that are fun and different like a new hobby or hanging out with a friend or making new friends or going to a show and it it doesn't have to be social necessarily but i would say like get out of your routine and get out of the house and expand your like horizons of life because there's just so many people out there when we can kind of get out of that routine it doesn't feel like there's this like giant gaping hole in that routine because someone's removed from it yeah yeah well i'm really sorry this is really shitty and hard to deal with i yeah i can't imagine the like you said the aspect of wanting to be happy for them and then living their truth and then also like still honoring the

fact that like you were hurt and as a casualty of it yeah but i will say that like with time things get better and still somebody that is like my friend now and my shitty therapist that i've told y'all about before but she asked me why i wasn't mad about it like currently and i was like this happened so long ago i would be messed up if i was mad about it still now like that's i don't need that like it's not like something i'm working on in therapy i'm over it now like with time things pass you've maintained a relationship and a lot of people i know who were figuring out their sexuality like they are friends with or friendly or have at least like reached out and been to the people who have kind of been casualties in that younger being like i

really went about that the wrong way and whether you get like a legitimate apology or the relationship and friendship continues and like you feel that and you both know that and it doesn't need to be said but like it's not something that i know anyone who looks back on who is the perpetrator of that like years later and goes like yeah that was a knowing i know now the comfortability i am now the life i have now i would have made that exact same choice with all the resources and tools i have like it's just it's just not it's just not a thing well that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoyed if you did and you would like to either give us an update if you're one of the people on this episode or one that we've already done previously you can send us an email

or call us, do all the same things that you do for being on the show the first time. And we can either schedule a time to talk to you, or you can just give us a written or verbal update for your life or more context. But if you heard this advice and you were like, damn, need some of this in my life. Well, good thing you found us. So send us a voicemail, leave us a voice, email us a voice memo dm us email us all those things we are so available just so available except unless you want to hang out in person if you want to dm us just remember you still have the same word count limit yes yes yes and um it is monday so if you are brand new here i just say hit that subscribe little button wherever you are

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you anything else nah we're good fantastic we will see you next time goodbye Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.