Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Extreme Almond Mom

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Content Warning for Submission #4 - Disordered Eating This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: If you should get married Repairing a friendship Loneliness after a breakup Mom trying to force you into dieting Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

the megan show i'm so happy i can finally wear this shirt again the way that like i want to cross off all of my biden shirts and so i just have her name there yeah so the shirt i'm wearing it i got it when we all thought that miss secretary of state hillary rodham clinton was going to be president so i have a shirt because uh trump kept calling her a nasty woman so i have a shirt that said that says madam president if you're nasty and um which is also a call back to janet jackson my name is janet miss jackson if you're nasty so it's been sitting in my drawer for so long and then today i was like i can wear this i didn't wear it because someone's about to be in the white house serving comfort the first time i can't wait i can't wait and i can't wait

for our first man yes our first man i'm and you know what the first man's name should have been doug yeah like that's actually exactly how it's supposed to go this is how this is how the story is written and um i'm loving it and you know who would appreciate your shirt is the resident hillary clinton stan and former uh campaigner essentially is moths he would love it yeah i have a mark jacobs shirt that's really cool that has her face on it like and it's kind of like leading into the flag oh sick and it has um a red like ring around it's like a baseball type shirt it has a red ring around the neck and on the sleeves it's so cute i gotta find that too because i still probably wear that oh my god yeah that's i love her but moths loves her more

i love her she's from like in arkansas she's not from arkansas she's from chicago but bill is from arkansas so you've got the hometown love both you and moths have like the personal connection which is why no matter how much i love her i will never i will never get to that level of having had Bill Clinton and Hillary make me a fruit salad in a bathrobe, which is what Matz has. Also, learning that my grandmother was, when she was first lady,

when Bill was governor, my grandmother was her luncheon caterer. Like, that's crazy. I know. No one just thought to mention this before. I literally was going to send you this TikTok because I was like, Melissa, this is you every time you've had something

where, I won't say specifically, but you your dad going like we're definitely related to this person and you're like okay chill and he's like no no and then after i think your dad had less than 48 hours he found the connection in college and he's like here you go and i was like okay he shoots big but he does come through yes there's this one tiktok of um this person who was like talking to your parents like your parents dropped some heavy fucking lore and pretended so casual and it's like you're a full grown adult and like the whole thing is like well sweetie you know you never asked it's like oh See, that person, that was almost your father.

And I was meaning to send that to you because I was like, that's so fucking funny. Was it the one that went to, I think, high school at Pharrell? Was that it? Or they were, they dated, like they were... No, it was not. It's just a bit.

Like it's literally like a sketch about like when you are, when you find out your parents just dropped some like insane lore like so casually. And you're like, why have I heard the same stories a thousand times? And then one day you just drop something massive that I've never heard about you.

and i was like that's so fucking accurate there's this girl that was like pharrell was almost my dad and like her mom went to they date like she dated there's several pictures of her and her her mom and pharrell together like dances and stuff that's that's a that's a win i would be a little sad yeah me too slipping through my fingers all the time well welcome back to don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life changing advice for Megan and Melissa we are Americans for the next

however long when this episode comes out until the closing ceremony and then we're women of the world well I'll take it to November and see oh my god I'll see where we land in November exactly

when I see our president madam president that will still be an American in so on this podcast we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice because we are both wonderful and amazing and our advice some may say is life-changing and if you want to call in for a pop an epic coming episode you can leave us a voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com and for the audio version you need to keep it under three minutes we ask that you write it all down practice it a few times and then just read it out loud whether you're recording the voice memo or the voice mail

and then for the written version keep it under 300 words for all of them they are anonymous but we do ask that you're 18 or over or have your parents permission and you let us know how old you are and all of like the relevant info so we can give you the best advice so if it's about a relationship how long you've been together um you know think of it like like an essay we've said so you've got your thesis statement you've got your little points of evidence and then you've got your conclusion because we do want to give you good advice and any bad advice we give you a you can't blame us for and b it's usually not on purpose unless we're being intentionally chaotic and we'll let you know if we're being intentionally chaotic right sometimes i like to be a little messy

and i say i wouldn't do this but see mine's the opposite i go the mature thing to do is this and i wouldn't do that what i think you should do is this it's a little toxic it's a little fun but yeah we also have a facebook group you can join if you are looking for a fun community and if you're looking for a very in-depth community if you're looking for new friends to be able to hang out with or just to listen slash watch the podcast without ads you can join our patreon it's a great time meet lots of new people you would be i would say like a challenge i would love someone to join we don't have any like you might be like no one from my state listens or no in my area promise you at this point i where we we haven't gotten anyone in an untouched

corner of the world yet yeah that's true and we always have someone who's a hop skip and a jump and if not we will automatically go how close are you to new zealand because that's the one that we know is the farthest out yeah but also you know if you're it doesn't matter where you are erica will find you erica will erica will show up if you live in antarctica erica will buy a full little puffer suit she'll show penguin little anchovy treats ready and erica will be there to meet you it's a great time erica's the pr manager she's head of communications of the patreon group and then we have our social chair charity charities without a dinner social chair i'll think of everyone else's titles down don't leave anybody else don't leave anybody out like

you did with the characters but at this point people know me they go megan forgot and you know she did if venick is gonna do anything forget and it's not personal that's true at all if you're joining the patreon you know you know that shit's not personal i forgot to tell people that monster is in the pilot episode of um what's that show werewolves teen wolf teen wolf i i dropped that lore like weeks ago a month ago and everybody was like excuse me why the fuck have you not brought this up and i go i didn't so weird so the same story a hundred times so i guess you did it wasn't something you had mentioned on the podcast i guess not but to be fair i also forgot about it all the time so like sometimes we just talk and talk and it doesn't make it on there up on the

show yeah and sometimes we don't even have um headphones on like we were in the car driving to go see the movie this week and uh samantha goes i literally feel like i'm listening to an episode of the podcast i was like she did fair that lets you know that we're the same on and off mic we very much are anything else or should we get into our first submission can i just say something real quick no i never do what i'm told i want to think it has nobody not nobody on this podcast but i would like to think i'm thinking none of you fucking trifling ass bitches you good for nothing whores my skin has been peeling really bad for months like and it's not like from the sun it's just because my skin is just sensitive yep and I saw somebody say that

like try using dandruff shampoo on your face and the thing is the way that I was peeling was the exact same that it does because I have dermatitis whatever yeah dermatitis like on my scalp and it was the same thing like exact same thing that was all over my face I started using that shit I've been using it for a week now my skin has not peeled at all it is so smooth it's so soft and like i used it because they were also saying like um because it has like antifungal or something in the shampoo i've been using it on my skin as well and i'm not getting body acne anymore well melissa it's something we apparently have in common that my skin is in peeling like no fucking other and i have some dandruff shampoo that i'm gonna use to wash my face tonight yes

and you just need a little bit because shampoo lathers up so much so you just need like i just like barely touch it on my hand and then lather it up and then put it on my face and it's been like i'm so happy because my face has been bad been very bad no my i i was like what the fuck has changed from this summer to last like what is shifted i don't know why this is behaving this way and so i've been um i know some people were like it can don't do it too much because it'll dry out your skin but my skin's actually softer and i don't know if it's because i'm using head and shoulders the one that's like for black hair so there is more moisturization and stuff yeah it's called royal oils but that's a tongue twister yeah royal royal oils royal oils uh-huh

so it is it's my skin is actually softer than when i use my face wash so i don't think i would have that same reaction so i'm no doctor but i i'm like my skin has been so bad so bad wow i wouldn't know because we haven't seen we saw each other's past week i know but if you look in the videos and like look at my skin right now your skin looks flawless stunning look two weeks ago and all the weeks before and you look in my skin is peeling yeah don't look at mine if you get too most of mine you'll see the flakes you'll see the peels there are some on my chin that i've just stuck down with my finger because i said i can't peel it anymore i'm so done with yeah ripping these pieces of fucking skin off my face yep and then also i had this like pimple that was under

my skin for a couple months yeah and it couldn't have been acne acne because i use my acne stuff it's gone now well this makes so much sense because i've been using my tretinoin every night and i'm getting like random bumps i must be having some some night sweats and that's what this is going from i need an antifungal so thank you to the tiktok people that recommended it and i just want to share it if anybody else is having the same issue and turns out i am so that's what i'll be doing thank you tiktok thank you melissa flawless and now without further ado let's get into our first submission i am and m decided to come to the best people i know for advice because I'm confused. Well, we are here to help. I, 31, female, cannot decide whether I should marry my

partner, 31 male of 11 years. I've never been a fan of marriage. I think I view it as a trap and not security. I have been raised a lot around women who have made themselves small and stayed in unfulfilling marriages because it was easier. It's given me a quote-unquote I want you but I don't need you attitude to relationships. I have also experienced the switcheroo of men in the workplace, not relationships, who are lovely until you get committed into a contract and then their True Colors show. Thanks for the PTSD. We own a house together. We are child-free by choice. Neither of us see a version of life where we aren't together, and we are very happy in our relationship. Recently, my partner became a creative director, which comes with partial

company ownership. In the UK, if you are married, then you don't pay inheritance tax on their assets up to any worth if your spouse dies. It all goes automatically to the surviving spouse. If you're not married, common-law marriage doesn't exist in the UK, then survivors pay 40% tax on any assets they inherit from their partner over the $350,000 euro. Sorry. It's a euro threshold. We've always sat well below that threshold, but now that we own a house and my partner owns part of a company, it changes things. We have both made a will, but I don't know if I'm being silly and letting trauma get in the way. It feels like marriage is the right thing to do, but I just don't know. Any advice? Welcome. So I think at the end of the day, marriage,

Life's what in the words of hannah montana life's what you make it. So let's make it rock And marriage can be an asset. It can be a contract. It can be an exchange of love It can be whatever you want it to be and for me Reading this marriage is a good business and financial decision right now You don't have to tell people you're married. You don't have to wear a wedding ring You don't have to have a wedding. This is like think of it like signing a contract It's like signing an agreement, like the deed of the house, signing whatever. It's like making your wills again.

That's all that this is. And I think it is a much higher risk to not do that. Like it's just not a super smart financial thing at the end of the day. And I think if you don't treat it like a marriage aspect, like this is like a partnership. You don't have to call him your husband. It doesn't have to be, you know, whatever that is. But I think that it would be a very good idea. And at the end of the day, I think you're comparing this to like, you know, you've had

it in switcheroo men who are lovely until you're in a committed contract with them. You own a house together. You're in a committed contract. If that switcheroo was going to come, it would be for that. And I think like if that switcheroo comes at any point, it's going to come regardless if you're married or not. You've been together for such a long time. and part of like the reason why I always want to get married in general but like part of the reason

why we were like okay because I used to like not be as super keen on the idea of marriage was that like thinking of like medical stuff wise I'm like I don't ever want to get surgery without you being my next of kin in a way that is like legally enforceable and if you are not family in the eyes of the law, there can be loopholes with that kind of stuff. So I think that, you know, obviously having a will written is great, but 40% is a fuck ton of money. And like, God forbid, anything were to ever happen, you would want to be protected in that way. And I don't know what the prenup stuff is written up there, but I think if you are happy with the contract of itself, I would think of it just like any other contract. Yeah. I think you had bad

people like, I think you just had bad examples of what marriage is and that's what you were surrounded by. And those people either picked wrong or they were forced into a situation that they didn't necessarily want to be in. And you, you've been together for a while. You already have commitments to each other. Just because you've been around terrible marriages doesn't mean that your marriage would be terrible because you basically living like a married couple as it is the only thing changes now is a piece of paper in your bank account so um i i think that like it it would be wise of you to get married and like megan said you don't nothing has to change like it's you don't have to say this is my husband you can say this is my partner whoever they are to you

You can say this is whatever. Nothing has to change. You don't have to wear a ring. It's just a legal document stating that this person is who I'm connected to until we decide that's not what we want anymore. Yeah. I think as long as you have a conversation about like this not changing either of your expectations of the relationship, then I think that like you've already broken the

cycle because having a bad example of relationship set for you it doesn't really matter if those relationships were between people who are married or weren't or whatever like you're not going to suddenly become that and like if you're anything like me you might have already gone through relationships that are mimicking the ones that you saw growing up and doing all of that that like you've been with this person for this long you've got a great relationship you've already broken that like you've already broken that cycle it's not just going it's not going to suddenly be a self-fulfilling prophecy like that because you're also not going to be treating marriage the same way as those people that you saw their relationships growing up so i think as long as like your

expectations and your partner's expectations remain the same for what the relationship is and like what the marriage aspect of it means i don't think this is a better or worse reason to get married than like just being in love and wanting to be in love like you know and you are in love like i just i think that marriage should always be thought about pragmatically from a sense of emotion and like how you feel about this person whether that is love or just deep care or whatever but then also the contract aspect of it you know you've got both those things and sometimes it's just like maybe takes a minute to shake off the expectation that you had and you never thought you'd be in this position and this is a really good position to be in yeah and i

wouldn't throw it away for anything else you know congratulations i'm happy for you yeah get that bag girl get that get that security god forbid anything happens i don't want anything to happen but also the house too like right yeah protect your assets all right we're gonna take a break and we are back from our break and it's time to get into the next one i'm megan and melissa love the show i'm a long-time listener and first-time writer i'm 31 years old she her and my best friend 31 years old she her ghosted me cold turkey I have other best friends, but this one particularly is special, which makes letting go a lot more difficult. She's been my best friend for over 18 years and was is my oldest friend.

We kept our friendship strong and met up regularly despite her changing schools during her sophomore year, moving to a different city for college and eventually living and working in a different state after graduation. However, there was always a bit of an unspoken dynamic in our friendship where she was better than me. She got better grades, came from a rich family, and therefore went to better schools and more provided for her in life. She ended up with a degree from a fancier university, working in a prestigious job that paid more, and found an attractive, successful boyfriend. As we grew older, a lot of our conversations revolved around her climbing the career ladder

and making more money. Even though I wasn't as successful and made less, that didn't bother me much at the time because I loved her like a sister. Fast forward three years ago, I managed to find a job that paid as much as hers. My career started taking off and I found my own attractive, successful boyfriend. Around that time, she hit a rough patch in her career and she broke up with her long-term boyfriend. Suddenly, the tables turned and our dynamics reversed. Coincidentally, this was around the time we started to drift apart she also started bringing up weird comparisons like you have a designer bag so I bought one too you get your nails done so I did too and I want to find a boyfriend just like yours a year ago she completely stopped texting me and would never tell

me she was in town leaving without seeing me she lives down the street from me when she visits because of this I haven't contacted her for over a year and recently accomplished my dream of moving to London UK this is someone I saw as a lifelong friend and would love to keep the friendship going but it seems like the feelings may not be mutual should I keep this friendship dead or bring it back to life how would you go about this well how I would go about it would let it be. The decision has been made. But I don't know if that's how you would like to actually go about it. I've had friendships, not this long because I moved around so much, but I've had long friendships that just came to an end. And it wasn't even necessarily because of dynamics

changing in the friendships. It's just that we outgrew each other. And sometimes you just outgrow people and it seems like even though it didn't necessarily bother you be in competition there's always some type of competition going on here and then when you outgrew her a little bit then she became jealous of you because at the end of the day schools it really doesn't matter what school you go to everybody has the same degree and eventually jobs or jobs like and then her comparing like handbags and stuff that just it just this just seems like a lot of petty jealousy coming specifically from her and then like you're doing great and she doesn't she's not able to see that and especially when y'all live down the street from each other I would just for me I

would just let it be but if you actually like want this to happen send her a note a text message leave a voicemail just stating your feelings toward the situation and then you put the ball in her court and if she responds in a way that you like great if she does she also could not respond or say like i don't want to talk to you anymore and you just have to accept that move on yeah this is like so like wildly immature to me that like this is something that like i would have expected and like it happens in like high school so like I was never like the smart kid but I had friends who were like very smart and then they had friends who I used to be friends with were very very smart and like you know naturally I was kind of like I don't love being for I don't love

being like the jester of this kind of group and so like I just I just stopped really being friends with those people but then my friends who were very smart but like were not pretentious like that they had these other friends who were like really enjoyed having friends who they deemed of their caliber but specifically so they knew how much better they were because for me it's not a good competition and like I can't even actually fathom how hard they're in the same classes or whatever it's like all those things like when they want someone who's a who they view as a peer to then put themselves above because that person knows how much better they are it's not just like any old person or whatever so to me that's like something you grow out of in again high school

because you get humbled by whatever and you know this person specifically got humbled by not getting into the school that they assumed they were gonna get into and they found out that like there were other people who were really fucking smart who are smarter than them who didn't talk about it all the time like who like and they were shocked by all of this but then also you think like then in college there would be something like that but you guys didn't go to school together and so it seems like to me this is like such a very sad and if i was in her shoes i'd be like super fucking embarrassed that this is like what i value my self-worth as is not just like how well i'm doing but how well i am doing compared to one of my closest and oldest friends and that to me is like

i don't know how you have handled being in a friendship like this for so long because there's no way that you have recognized this and you've kind of been okay with your place in it and that's because like you didn't resent her for her abilities or whatever and like you also didn't take it to heart to be like you didn't value you as lesser than it was just different circumstances and I think you assumed that that's how she felt and like she would just be just as happy for you if the roles were reversed and she's not and like Melissa like this for me like it would kind of just be like a very uh shitty end to a friendship because it's kind of that realization of going like this is how you've saw you've seen this this whole time and like it was this friendship feels

kind of conditional but you know if this is something that you with a conversation you would like to move past this and you think that like she's better than someone who can only be friends with people who she's doing better than in the moment and like that she could that you you have a strong belief that this isn't who she is to her core then I think like yeah like once I like you give her a call you like balls in her court and I would I would probably phrase it on lines of like hey we haven't talked in so long what happened and like just leave it at that like what's going on because she might feel really embarrassed to be like I really didn't like how I was like viewing you as competition and like I just really didn't like that and I didn't know how to like

circle back and I've been doing a lot of work on myself or whatever but I think like if you're going to have that conversation be prepared for it to be prepared for her to have done none of the work and be prepared for her to like need in that moment to place herself higher than you and degrade you so she feels better so i think if like you go into that and you're okay with that this is one of those things where sometimes i think that like the risk of finding out the truth is something that maybe I don't want to hear. And like the version, it's easier for me to take the version told in my voice. And it's probably the same if even the worst version that I create, but for somebody you've known for so long, it's a lot harder to hear it in their

voice. It's a lot harder. And like, you can rationalize with yourself and like, you'd be like, you know, it could be this or maybe not, but also like the doors left, like it's on me to go reach out so like it doesn't feel like slammed shut but just make sure that you can handle hearing what she has to say and it might be super like it might be like very much the end in that way and it might not be repairable from your end like she might say some things that you find unforgivable so i'm someone who tends to put off that stuff until i'm like you have there needs to be a place where like we have to say something but at the same time they might say some things that you go don't miss you at all anymore yep turns out you're terrified i don't i don't want

this i don't need this energy in my life yeah and like i would really look at the rest of your life your life and you sound really happy so making sure that you feel secure in that and not like you don't deserve the things that you have or you're not good enough or whatever don't let her get in your head and if at any point like you're feeling slightly insecure it's not the time to talk to her because i think i think you might notice a pattern that that has been when your friendship has thrived is when you are not feeling great and she feels on top of the world but this is a crazy mindset to have as a 31 year old yep yep like i like i would be so mad at the universe if i was her because i'm like so sorry actually you actually should have humbled me when i was

18 years old or you should have humbled me when i was like in college like there should have been something putting me in my place not don't let me get to 30 with my head this fucking inflated There are some people I know that friendships ended around that time. So I'm not surprised by it. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck.

Best of luck. Let us know how it goes if you decide to do something. Next up. Hey, Megan and Melissa. Love the new release of the pods. Thanks. I feel like I get to spend a little time

with y'all almost daily. I am 26 and use she, her pronouns. I'm writing because I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years. The relationship was toxic. We were toxic. It wasn't his fault or mine. We just weren't good together. I'm at peace with my choice and we ended on decent terms as can be for an ending such a long period of time together. Of course, I'm still sad and I cry daily, but I know what I did was right for us both. Now I don't know what to do with myself. Our lives are so intertwined.

I find so much, I find myself with so much free time. There's no dates, hangouts with mutual friends, or even having someone to watch TV with. We lived together for the last two and a half years in the apartment, and the apartment now just seems quiet. I know this is something it'll take time to get used to. During that time, I'm wondering how to fill my time. I have work, but right now that's the only thing I've got going for me. I have plenty of friends, but with the breakup being so fresh, I'm not really fun to be around, and I don't want to bring down the vibe. Any ideas? I had never been much of a reader, but I was thinking of giving that a chance, though it would still be quiet. This is, first of all, my condolences. Like, this is so difficult and so

hard I can't imagine how hard it is to like have a breakup with someone you've lived with to put myself in your friend's shoes I know you went through a breakup I know you will be sad and I know you might not be like the most fun to hang out with so like if you invite me over like hey want to come over and like watch a movie like if it's not like hey want to come out and go club like things that you associate with being like high energy super positive kind of things but I I think that like it's so expected for me as if like a friend goes through something like that like i'm not expecting them to just like swallow it and like bounce back or whatever so i would definitely reach out to those friends who you feel comfortable with i think that like this is

not like self-promotionally at all but like i do think podcasts are a really great way to like have it feel like conversational and not just like scripted content like that's a great thing to do i think as someone who has adhd who needs like all things firing at the same time i don't like a quiet house also because we had a mouse and by a mouse we mean the one that's actually set with three letters but i can't deal with that and if moss is out of town like i will always have something playing but that that reminds you of whatever like and for let's say i don't watch shows Moth and I watch together when he's not here. So like take away the shows that you would watch or the content you'd watch with your boyfriend and pick something brand new and

then come up with another activity. So coloring book, doing arts and crafts, doing beads or whatever, doing something that is like simultaneously making it feel like there's people around. Like A New Girl is a great show for that where it feels like people are there and people are around and you're laughing and it's funny and whether it's podcasts or content and then you're doing something with your hands and you might like pick up the arts and crafts and then go back to tidying or doing whatever, but just having something like that

that gets you moving and gets you up. So you're not just like sinking into your couch and rotting, which there's a time and a place for that. But I think that that's like the best thing I would recommend. I think reading is great, but at the same time, reading is quiet. Unless it's an audio book. True. That's a good point too.

Or like even starting a little garden, like doing something around the apartment, especially it sounds like you are living in the apartment you both lived in together. Starting a project that changes that up. Like that's a really good place. So it changes your environment too. And getting out of the habit of the things that you would do together. And it doesn't have to be like, oh, well, we don't watch TV now. It's like, no, no, something else, picking a different TV show. Sometimes even something that you're like, oh they would have hated this and even if you don't like it It's just something that's like well, it's different and then I would like go on walks I don't know if you have a pet but like that's always something I even have like friends like when i'm going through stuff who like have animals and i'm like Can I just like borrow your dog? We'll do with our neighbors. Like we'll hang out their dog all the time. So stuff like that that gets you out of that routine, but I

Think that you can be aware that you might not be the most fun person to hang around but that's also not necessarily your call to make like i would reach out to your friends because like they want to show up for you yeah i love being there for friends when they're going through things and then you know they say when you do a favor for somebody it makes your relationship stronger so without a doubt go for it yeah listening to music having music playing can help harder yeah great playing games joining like getting out the house too like you don't have to be at home all the time if you're able to and like it's there's stuff going on in your community see if there's like local things that you're interested in you can join clubs i know right now they're

saying running clubs is a thing to do no thank you but have you heard about the running clubs they just do a bunch of coke before no melissa there are running clubs one's big in seattle i think one i don't think there's any big in la because first of all you actually can't there's not enough places for you to run safely let alone run safely on drugs like no no no drugs but i do know there is a running there is like running clubs here because my friend who lives in dc was like a part of like nike i think it was nike's like nike club team and he i don't remember if it's nike itself or if it was a different company but in the same vein he would come here all the time and like participate in the events and they would be huge like huge events and he was like

what size shoe do you do you wear i'll grab you this shoe but they never have my size but like he would come here all the time and participate in the running club stuff but they're there i don't know about the coke he definitely did not do drugs but um that's a seattle one i think they do that one in new york where people just do a bunch of drugs and then they start running and they'd run in the dark with no lights on isn't that crazy yes but don't do that don't do don't do drugs and if you do do drugs test your drugs but like there's i know here there's just like i've seen golf clubs and tennis clubs things that i'm interested in because i follow them and they pop up on my timeline and things so just look into what kind of events are going on in

your community grab a friend to go with you that way it's not like sad girl time because we're sitting here it can be like y'all doing an event together so look for other things you're gonna be fine like fuck that i don't know what happened but fuck him we're on your side unless like you were the one that just broke it off still on your side still on your side still fucking him good luck you'll be great we've all had a broken heart at some point yeah it just takes time i've always that it takes like half as long as the relationship was together or like twice as long

as the relationship that you were together. And I think a huge dependent, how much that depends on is like how much you're going to let yourself go through the process of grieving the relationship. So you said that you ended on

like the best of terms that you could. Unethical life hack. You at a certain point, you will need to hate him to fully get over it. And then you won't continue to hate him, but you'll hate him for a bit and then you move on past that.

And if you don't let yourself do that, it will prolong it and so sometimes good cheat is like write down all the things you fucking hate about him and like get yourself to kind of get to that spot quicker but as someone who like intellectualizes my feelings i have a very hard time feeling them and sometimes writing it down or kind of tricking yourself into feeling it like listening to like the same way like if you need to cry watching a movie that makes you cry or listening to a song that makes you cry kind of like forcing yourself to like feel those feelings and not just think about those feelings is a is a great way to jumpstart it and just know that like it will eventually feel better but like in order

for you to shorten that time you have to put that work in and part of that work is like recognizing the flaws in this and not just like putting it on you or like whatever like you've gotta you've got to break it down like you would i don't know like and anything else like if you like bird's eye view of your life is a bridgerton story you know and you're like i gotta get over this to get so i can be the diamond of the season and go whatever that is it sometimes is easier to write that down when it's and even write it down in third like it's not about you it's about somebody else and that can sometimes be easier so and then also what advice would your friend like what advice would you give a friend going through this and would you want a friend to call you that's sometimes

a good thing. Again, taking yourself out of your own experience and your own body and your own life and being like, how would I want the people who I say I trust and I care about, how would I want them to view me in moments when they needed me? Would I want them to not reach out? No. I want to give people the opportunity to show up because that's usually what people want to do. But I'm so sorry. It will get better. And best of luck. And I'm sure if you're in our Facebook group or in our Patreon or whatever, people would love to give you recommendations of other activities and like fun things to do so just let us know and we can let us know we'll add you to the facebook group already or join the patreon it's a great way to meet people too

great way to not have like silence in the background too because we've never once been silent yappers we yep yep yep yep yep yep o'clock all right we're gonna take a break and we are back it's time for the last one hi megan and melissa trigger warning for this right in contains talks of dieting weight loss slash ed i'm writing in for advice about my mom who you could call an extreme almond mom. I'm 23, she, her, mid-size. In the past five years, she has been tracking her calories every day.

I don't live at home with my parents anymore, but when I'm home, she urges me to work out with her, makes comments about food I eat, et cetera. My mom knows that I exercise. We often text about going on walks or working out. I asked her in the past to stop making comments on my weight or what I'm eating. I'm insecure and it hurts. This hasn't really stopped her, but she doesn't directly talk about

my weight anymore. Aside from this, we have a great relationship. We text and call a lot. Recently, she texted me and told me that my dad, who is overweight, was diagnosed with a health condition and needs to start dieting and exercising. She said that he is embarrassed about it and we need to be careful since it's in the family now. She also said that she isn't telling my older brother yet. In my opinion, it's because he is slim, so it isn't as much of a worry for him. She then texted, not sure which diet he is going to do, but if you want to try it with him, I'm sure he'd love the support. I was shocked when I read this. It immediately made me cry because it felt like another indirect way to tell me to lose weight. I have been ignoring her text ever

sense I feel like I shouldn't have to have another conversation with her about this what would you do if you were in my position if I were in your position I'd be mad as hell the same way that you are and hurt because no one should be talking about anybody's weight or body at all commenting on anybody else unless they ask you to. And the way that she's also telling your dad's business when he doesn't want it out there is messed up too. And it feels like she's confiding in you, but also being rude to you. And so how I would handle it is I would tell her, one, dad doesn't want me to know what's going on, so you shouldn't be telling me his business. Two, I'm fine. I don't need your input at all. And three, we've already talked about this. So

why are you bringing this to the table again? And the thing is, she's just using your dad as an excuse to bring up something that she wanted to say anyway. So continue being mad at her if that's what you want to do. And like you say, you guys do have in other parts of your life, do have another, you do have like a good relationship. So I think you, if you want to continue that relationship, then you've got to have like a staunch conversation with her about this and say, leave me alone. Do not bring this up to me ever again. And we can move on with life. Yeah. I mean, the, the truth of the matter is almond moms is a pseudonym for moms with eating disorders and so viewing your mom as like it's much easier to talk about like socially

almond mom to someone who fully understand but the prevalence of that terminology and like being able to be like oh my gosh look at this or whatever i think it's a great way to show how prevalent it is but also at the same time to like keep in mind that like you are your mother has an disorder and like a very common trait with eating disorders. It's not an insular thing. It affects other people. And specifically when it comes to older women, they bring it on to their daughters because they're offloaded onto them. And then it goes down, down, down, down, down. And I've found that like when having conversations with people of this like age range about it, I, at this point of my life, not, not years ago, but at this point in my life, I fully ignore it or I change

a subject or I say like, that's kind of, I don't like talking about that stuff. That's kind of, yeah, that's, that's a little odd. It's uncomfortable. Like I'm not interested in like body conversations. Like I just think like we have so many other things to talk about that are like so much more interesting and like, you know, making someone, making people feel like silly for bringing it up. That's like, what a frivolous thing that like, I think we're so above that kind of topic. Like have we really run out of things to talk about that it's like the least interesting things about people is like their bodies like i'm just i'm not into that and like melissa said like i think you need to have like a really strong

conversation with her and you already have at this point and so she knows she hasn't forgotten about this and like melissa said like she's using this to she's using her father to talk about your weight and that's her intention it's not just like a byproduct of it and she's also specifically telling you that she's not telling your brother so she knows so you know that if you looked like your brother she wouldn't talk to you about it like it's all super intentional it's all super calculated and mean and i know you say you have a really good relationship with her but at what point does that change at what point does her not respecting the boundaries of you've set up about this that are like very reasonable and expected if she cannot adhere to that that will change

your relationship and the thing that i worry about in these cases is that like you can only brush off these comments for so long. And if this is how you grew up, I'm sure you've already done so much unlearning of this. And you already have a voice in your head that talks about your body. And it probably sounds like your mom. And you've probably had to do a lot of work that probably only really started once you were out of the house, that you were able to get rid of that and get rid of that as much as humanly possible. That by the time we recognize that this person is not a healthy person for us to be around, that's usually because the impacts are lasting when they're not even around, like that it's affecting you in that sense.

So for me, I'm like, I'm really like cut and dry when it comes to relationships like this at this point in my life, because I was not before that like huge boundary. If you bring up my weight, your weight, anyone else's weight, your body, my body, anybody else's body in any terms, regardless if you think it's about health, regardless if you think, whatever, any aspect of dieting, anything about calories, anything about food, you are more than welcome to have a very toxic relationship with food and your body on your own time. Not when I'm around, not putting that on me. And if you do, I will leave. And at a certain point, I'm not coming back. And I want to have a great relationship with you, but you do not have a

great relationship with your body. And your body is a part of my body. And you having a bad relationship with your body makes me have a bad relationship with my body. And if I lose weight, if I gain weight, that bad relationship will stay there. So I would love if this was something that you could work on and how you talk about yourself. But again, if that's your business, if you can't, that's totally fine. But I'm, I am drawing the line here that I want to have a relationship with you, but I don't want to have a relationship with you with this behavior like this. I won't accept this behavior. And the first two times, be like, okay, that's one time. I'm letting you know right now I'm leaving because of this. The next time you bring this up, I won't even tell you why I'm

leaving. I'm just going to leave. Then you leave. The third time, you leave. And at that point, let me know when you're ready to have a... You can start talking about this. And it's hard. And it's a very, very hard habit to break, especially for a certain generation. It's really fucking hard um and i've had much better success with peers my age of like them bringing it up and me being like hey i really don't like love talking about this stuff it's like not good for me and i'm not don't want to control anything you're doing or whatever or anything like that i'm just the wrong audience so like i don't want to be around for that and it's a lot easier in young people because we have been we also having kids later so we saw what our grandmothers did to

our mothers and we haven't had kids before we were able to recognize that pattern so we're we've stopped before inflicting that on our future children and they had they never got to that point so i think that like three strikes might be something that you feel like is not doable but i think if you can show that like you say you have a good relationship but you need to walk out of the room every time this comes up because it's right now are you only having a good relationship because of what you're tolerating so you might notice that you're leaving a lot more and you need to follow through in the consequences for her to deter her from having these conversations and sometimes if she calls it's hanging up she might find it rude that's okay i hang up on people

all the time yeah they still call back and you don't answer right there you go so like drawing a very clear boundary and you might want to cut out the stuff that you know i'm saying which is very therapeutic about her issues with her body but you can make it all about you and being like this is not helpful helpful or healthy for me and if you are unable to not talk about my body or other people's bodies around me i will not be around for that but it's a tough it's a tough thing and i like so fucking wish we could there there was a way this generation like i i look at our generation and i'm like we've done so much fucking work at this like leaps and bounds of all of the things we've gone through i think this is the most drastic change i do feel bad i feel

like i feel for the adults um but at the same time the information that we have out there that like is healing us they have the same access to that specifically if they have a kid who's letting them know that they're harming them because back then they didn't tell their parents that that was harmful because it was all they knew and I think it's one thing to cause harm because the harm was done to you and you didn't even and you still haven't even reconciled the fact that harm was caused like was done to you then when you have someone telling you and you choose to do that because you think you know better and you think it's worth it in the end like it's just not it's not it at all so very good that's it for the episode we hope you all enjoyed hope you had a

great time hope you're feeling patriotic i hope you're feeling my birthday energy happy birthday i'm doing both it's usa birthday oh okay gotcha also if you haven't yet download my book leave a comment like it i'll have all the information well you download the app r-e-i-c-t and search for in the dead of night help me out do it do it well hope you enjoyed and uh don't forget to stay tuned next week for the rest of our podcast also tomorrow also tomorrow for 15 friday where we will be chit-chatting away monday we've got but am i wrong tuesday is see you next tuesday where we'll read the results from the previous week's what am i wrong and then nothing on wednesday we'll be right back here on thursday

for don't blame me woohoo see you later bye Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.