Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Finger Lickin' Gross

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

Content warning: Diet culture (second write in) This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update: Caller that slept with 3 brothers Partner licks his fingers while eating Expensive bachelorette trip Can't pass a test to graduate Diet talk at work Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hi hello welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me moi blame us no never ever you can't no uh you're physically incapable and metaphysically i don't even know what that means but it's fine um welcome back we took a an additional quick little break i do feel like this podcast has aligned with probably what everybody else has been experiencing which is as soon as it hit october everyone was sick then sick then sick then sick then sick which happened to us um and then of course we had to round out the new year by me getting covid so you know happy new year happy say what you're doing when the new year rings in that's what you're going to be doing the rest of the year so i hope it's not true don't yeah don't say they actually don't say

that anymore they like uh they like issued like a an addendum is that that word they and they were like actually no that's not what that means anymore like it just means you know you can have whatever you want you can do whatever you want and new year's means nothing so yeah we recapped our little hiatus uh for our see you next tuesday episode you're gonna want to listen because we had two very differing time periods away from this and uh i think everyone who is listening will either fall into one of our two categories yes that that is correct like there it's the only two things that you either did this or you did that so it's hilarious it's great both of our faces are melting off that is a fact that is factually true you look great today thank you

so much i like your eyes and your nose like did you do something different on the nose i put a lot of blush on my nose because my nose i've been blowing my nose a lot and so i thought if i made it red already it doesn't look red to me it just looks highlighted in a different way it is highlighted and there's a lot of blush on there i did look take some cute little like selfies today and i realized that it's definitely time for me to change my hard water filter because my hair color has gotten like three shades darker and i just washed it which means that it's just all that mineral buildup and that's why it's getting so tangled it's hard water well if you want to see what i was just referencing megan's tangled hair well she referenced that and i referenced

her a highlighted face go over to our patreon do it sign up do it for our patrons don't worry we're gonna make up for all the lost time and we love you all so much for understanding that did you see that erica and helen went to a musical together again i did for the second time it's their thing now it is their thing but you y'all have to understand these are two people that live in different countries that have connected through this show do you want to meet them both of them huh i said do you want to meet them join our patreon yeah if you want to meet them join our patreon they're great you can video chat with them because we do usually zooms twice a month where we all hang out and if you sign up now boy oh boy are you

gonna be infiltrated with so many we're catching up don't worry don't worry don't worry don't worry at least once a week yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well i was gonna give everybody a quick recap if they don't know what this show is if this is their first time here maybe their new year's resolution was to listen to more podcasts to which i say wonderful we've got a lot of them for you you're stacked up this is a podcast where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice because we have so much to give so so much to give we're very giving people we're very very giving people and we try and help you fix your life and or cause chaos in someone else's life like it really runs the gamut like nothing is off limits except for things that are off limits

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that is best tailored to you. And then hopefully you can take that advice. And then also if you are sending in voice memos, please, when you save it, save it as a MP3 file and then send it in. Yes, yes, yes. And yeah, you can also let us know if you're sensitive. We will take that into account.

anything else that's it cool amazing wonderful wonderful wonderful anything else we should talk about should we tease the fact that not today in this episode but in this week's episode of but am i wrong i will be wearing something something very cute is so cute that you're gonna like and you might want to buy so stay tuned on thursday and melissa will be having her soon so two little outfits to csn you'll be so excited shall we give some advice before we give some advice i have a surprise for our listeners and for you oh i'm no i'm just joking first of all i would be so offended if you told me and them at the same time are you fucking getting me but i wouldn't be telling everybody else that's true because

yeah okay no no you're right no actually that's a good way to do that do that okay here we go also the person wrote in and used their real name and the real names of people in the situation so i had to change them and you're just gonna have to live with the names that i gave you my name is hilda but most people in my life call me hill when i was 22 years old i called into don't blame me where i discuss my relationship with jason and his identical twin brothers i think i called them brad and steve i am now 28 and married i am now 28 and married definitely not married to one of those brothers but my husband's name is tom prior to meeting and marrying my husband i was a very promiscuous young woman the story i told was just the bottom of the iceberg

of tells i have and is just one of the very many proud moments my husband knows this story as i've been very open with him about my past however i just wanted to open up to you megan i just want to say to the people listening they're like oh not melissa i wasn't i was just producing the show at this point so i wasn't giving advice this is a deep cut this is a deep cut lily was the guest when the update came in. So back to the story. Your energy, positive vibes, and all-around openness helped me get through a lot during that point in my life. I was ashamed. I felt dirty. I thought I was nothing. Your words and humor helped pick me up from the ocean floor I felt I had drifted down. From the weird guy I let suck my toes to the three brothers I boned, sugar daddy, sex clothes, and so

much more. You were a big part of that growth, acceptance, and experimentation in my youth. you help me see that exploration is normal and sex can be incredible when you're in charge and in control of your own body oh my god i'm obsessed with like i hope she knows how much of an icon she is yes i think she still listens because she sent this to the butt of my wrong email address oh an icon yeah but if you're not in our patreon group you should know we talk about you fondly all the time like we we we love you and i'm so i'm so glad you're doing i and what about tom's like right it's gotta be cool of course because you wouldn't date anyone uncool right marry let alone marry someone uncool please just like give us some more stories like i would love a backlog of old

ones yeah we just have a corner dedicated to you what'd you say what'd you give her the name hilda hilda i live for that shit no we should have like hilda's corner just like yeah it can be a couple sentences like you don't have to like take a lot of time out of your day like you can just be like this one time i did this i love it you're an icon a foundation of this show this show wouldn't be what it is without you i agree because it would it was kind of the tilting point of us having like 12 year olds listens to adults listening yeah and that's what we wanted like this it was our goal and like you you you brought us into this like new realm of where we wanted to be so like we couldn't have done this without you hilda couldn't have done it back when we

were recording on your table in your kitchen yep oh my god i love her that was so kind and that was what a great surprise wow way better than you being pregnant that stressed me out a little bit wow wow megan no it just stressed me out because it would have had to been somebody in arkansas that's well first of all it might immediately goes to the story that you told on what they'll hear tomorrow i was just like girl you left out a very important chunk of this who was it well thank you for that thank you wow i'm just i love this love hilda and if anyone wants to go back and listen to that episode you should yeah i don't remember what the original episode was i think we say what it is in the one update with lily yep yeah so you could find it

that way or if you're in our Facebook group you could definitely post it and someone will probably be able to tell you well that was amazing what a way to kick off this episode I could just like see how excited specifically I know how excited Charity's about to be but well we're taking a break and we'll be back and we're back and we're gonna play the first one hi megan and melissa i'm 22 she her and my boyfriend is 24 he him i need advice dealing with his chewing and just like eating things he chews with his mouth open i can always hear him like tasting his food um and he like licks his fingers like after eating anything no matter what it is and also anywhere i love him so much

and have brought it up to him before he apologized and like temporarily it was better and he was more aware of it but you know it doesn't last all the time my coping so far has just been to make sure I'm distracted by me eating or by watching something or like it's okay in restaurants usually because it's like loud and I can't really hear anything. I've also told him towards the beginning of our relationship, we've been together for eight months or so now, about how my mom's chewing had really bothered me when I was a kid and how I would leave the table like in the middle of dinner to cry and pull my hair out in the bathroom because of the chewing. The chewing still bothers me with my mom but not nearly as bad I'm really not that bothered by everyone's

loud chewing but I've been very uncomfortable and queasy around a few people close to me like him my mom my sister and like a good friend I once traveled with so I do feel like it's more of an internal thing that I need to work through rather than trying to get him to feel like self-conscious anytime we eat together he's always been understanding when I bring it up but I'm not sure he fully gets like how it makes me feel um because I feel like myself pushing him away a little bit when that happens not physically just emotionally um but I don't want him to feel like I love him any less because I because I don't it's just in the moment I feel so like uncomfortable like in my body like I literally just tensed up thinking about it so help please love the podcast

been listening since the beginning i don't know how you've done this for eight months because my question is like if you're saying that like the only people you've really done like you have this with is like you said sibling sibling mom him and then a friend you traveled with i don't i don't know i i can understand what you're saying like that it might be like a you thing that like when someone's pissing you off this kind of just like sets you off like this sets you off this is like the the um the catalyst but at the same time i'm like those are people you've spent the most time with so maybe those people just have like the worst chewing sounds or it could just be chewing period though maybe they just that's just one of their things that

they can't but they said it doesn't bother them as much when it's people that they don't like other people like in but i think it's like you probably just hear these people chewing here more yes yeah yeah so i'm just gonna at the end it seems so i i really think you want us to give you advice on like you coping with this but when you said that you can hear him taste his food and he licks his fingers wherever you are i'm having a very hard time thinking that you are the problem my question though first is like are y'all from the same culture do they come from a culture that's not oh yeah is he eating with his hands too yes is he eating with his hands like is it like a cultural thing if it's if it is a cultural thing it's like okay yeah

that's his thing but like if it's not a cultural thing and he's licking his fingers like you mean but it would have to be a finger food if he's licking his fingers right well that's what so that that's a big thing for me because i'm wondering now i'm wondering is tasting his food is he going like delicious or does he need a rhinoplasty and can he not breathe through his nose so when he's eating he's like smacking and you can like hear the saliva and like that aspect of it because like if he's like enthusiastically being like while he's eating or if is it like because like those are now she's like stop i can't hear it's like i can't even get your advice now um because i would say that like if it is the first one then my mind goes he's licking his

fingers when it's not finger food like he's becoming like an italian chef like oh like he's just like he's playing a character like the old kfc saying finger licking good yeah but i in my mind he's doing that after like eating lasagna with a fork so if it's that then i would say you know that seems like a very unique circumstance of someone who is doing that and that's also uh that's a choice and or like so that might just be like an incompatibility thing but if it is like purely like the mouth sounds and it's not like him doing dinner theater and like being like my compliments to the chef and like i just want them to hear how much i love it then i i would say like i would look and try and figure out when it bothers you the most like is it when he's eating

certain foods or is it like when you haven't spent a lot of quality time together and like or you like are trying to have a conversation with him over dinner and he's distracting or like he's pissed you off like it do do you find that it annoys you more or the more time you spend with him it annoys you more because you thinking this is like a a cycle like a there's like a psychology aspect of this that there's there's a reason why it only really bothers you with certain people i that's not where my mind goes my mind goes to it's who you spend the most time with and who you hear eating the most but if you think there's something psychological there like i do think you should like then then like entertain that like entertain that like think

about like okay so like what what state am i in when i'm the most upset about these things yeah and also like if it's just the people that are close to you it's like why because some there are times where like somebody I don't know can do something that somebody I do know and they do it it aggravates me but the person I don't know it doesn't aggravate me at all and I don't know I'm sure there's some term for that like the people close to you aggravate you the most but like I can understand it in that way like you might they other people might be doing the same things but you just it just doesn't register because you don't know them as well i don't i think the the easiest solution which you probably want the social aspect of eating together but the easiest

solution would be just don't eat around him which is hard i have a friend that can't eat in front of other people and so like she just won't eat in front of other people she goes and has her meal off by herself she didn't like people to see her putting food in her mouth that's that's a lot of people have those kinds of feelings and i one of the things that people say is that like we can be the most like some people they're like safe to kind of get angry with so like that's why people will like fight with certain family members or your partner or whatever and like call them out on that is because like it does feel like a more stable relationship where you can say something so i agree with you that it might be that aspect of it that like it might actually bother you

with other people but like you don't feel comfortable enough to be annoyed by them and also especially when people know that about you it can even if it's not it feels like oh it feels personal like it feels like you're doing this which people very few people are going to be doing it on purpose but yeah there are some times where we can like look at a pattern we can look at something happening multiple times and go like this is a pattern so this is clearly on me but i do think that like there are other times where it's like sometimes you just you end up being close with four people who have like the most obnoxious your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build

a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply just loud chewing that would piss off people who aren't even upset about it so if you have a friend who like doesn't have an issue with this like i'm someone like that like i don't have i have an issue with other noises i don't have an issue with food or eating noises but i like have a friend just be like just tell me like is this me like is this or is this like okay this is extreme like this is because i i think like there's only so

much uh self-work you can do if it turns out that he is just like the loudest eater most obnoxious eater in the world and you still want to be able to eat uh with him like it it just might not it just might not work like i don't think there's like a way that you can actually like trick yourself into it or like something to unpack that it suddenly makes all of that go away but yeah because i think if it's if it's like really out of pocket from his like then i do think that like he needs to reel it in and that it becomes a compromise on both sides i need to know if it's finger food imagine he's licking his fingers after like oh my god just the idea of like licking your fingers in public like after you've eaten like just imagine you're go to lunch and you eat like

a salad with a fork and you're out in the world and then he licks his fingers i can't even just like like eating a chicken nugget and then licking my fingers as a no if it's cheetos okay yeah if your mouth is your only i don't want you to do that in public no i well i'm i just think it's the germs what do you think i'm thinking no i know but i just for her i hope she knows that i'm like to me i go oh do you lick poles like what are we doing here like i really hope he carries a lot of hand sanitizer and he's like frequently washes his hands yeah because i don't want those hands in my crap in my crap on me no okay well best of luck i wouldn't have lasted this long all right uh next one hi megan i'm lisa i'm a 25 year old

female she her a carousel capricorn rising i'm calling regarding my best friend's bachelor party so my best friend of over 13 years sent me a message saying her college friends are planning a special trip for her and i don't know any of her college friends because we went to different colleges in different states we live in different cities blah blah blah and the only other person i know that is going is a girl who is my friend of me and that's a story for a whole other time but what is worrying me most about this trip is the cost basically we are spending 400 on airbnb each person's spending 400 on airbnb plus 208 for catering and i will spend around 300 on gas 40 on toffees and i know they still want to make matching outfits which i don't

know how much that will cost so i'm we're spending around 100 each for four days in strip and i think this is getting very expensive it's becoming a very expensive trip and yes i can afford it but i would rather spend my money on other things and i'm not even very excited to go to this city which is kind of a cool city but i was there two days ago i spent two weeks with family there and i arrived home two days ago so not even that is making me excited and the only other activity i know done activity i know they are doing and strip is part hopping and i would gladly do part hopping with my friends once but do it for four days for me it's a little much i outgrew my bar phase a long time ago and right now they give me way too much anxiety in part because i was

harassed way too many times on bars but what i'm worried more about is the cost and i think another thing to add is that we are spending four days and the day we are meant to go back home the last day of the trip it's also my birthday and I usually don't do any big party for my birthday and the past couple of years I spent it traveling but still I'm kind of wary of spending my birthday with a bunch of people I don't know spending a thousand dollars in a trip I'm not particularly excited to go and also on traffic coming back home because it would definitely be a lot of traffic coming back from that city because i know because i was there until two days ago i'm also not the biggest fan of sharing my bedroom with people i know and much less with people i don't

know but basically my question is should i talk with my friend about the price and how worried i am about the price and if i say it how should i approach her because also i don't want to ruin it for her this is her weekend it's her bachelor party hopefully this is happening only once in her lifetime so should i say something for her before talk with her because also i don't feel really comfortable in the friend group in the group chat because i'm not friend with the people that are planning it thank you for listening i think there's several things going on here the biggest being you just don't want to go and no and so like everything you said seems pretty typical for a bachelorette party unfortunately yeah yeah and like you don't want to go you don't

want to spend your you have the money you just don't want to spend it on this it's running into your birthday week your birthday weekend whenever it is and you also were just there in the same space and you don't know these people i don't think it has to from what you said i don't think it has to do with the money it's just that you don't want to spend your money on this yeah and unfortunately this isn't your bachelorette party so you don't get a say in it would be one thing like if it was just outrageously expensive and you like didn't have the money and then everybody was complaining about like it but i just don't think you want to go and it's the money is the reason that you're using but you just are not interested in this yeah i could be measured with

not attending someone's bachelor or bachelorette party if they haven't made it abundantly clear that there's like no pressure if you can't come or you don't want to swing it or anything like that if the expectation is there for you to go i don't disagree with you like i'm to be totally honest most people this is not how they'd want to spend their money like if you're gonna like it is not and like even like other people's birthday trips and stuff you're not necessarily you know you don't you would rather probably spend the money on a different trip something that you have more of a say in or whatever that is but it's about the actual experience and like the friendships and all of that kind of stuff and it's like you said it's should goal is to be a the one time that this

is kind of happening i personally think if you are doing a bachelorette party or like a wedding or a birthday trip or anything like that if it is not within your location if you can't get there by car and i would say and like you don't have to sleep over there i i think that you should not be offended if people choose to not go because it's too much that is too much money so like again even if you can afford it but i'm to be totally honest telling your friend like i can afford it but i just don't want to spend some money like that will really hurt their feelings like it will really hurt their feelings and i don't know like it's not about you and it's not about it being fun for you it's about it being fun for them which i don't agree with like i i can't

have fun unless everybody else is like having fun like i don't i wouldn't want to put people in a position like that so i would just ask yourself like what is this going to do to your friendship because like this might fuck up your friendship and is it worth it for that like to you is it worth it because you know there will be a lot of bonding there people like hanging out doing that kind of whole thing and it's never going to be worth it cost wise for the trip because it's not about the location you're going it's not about anything like that it's about this is your friend's bachelorette party and like it's about spending the money to be there for your friend and that sucks that we kind of attach a dollar amount to how good of a friend you are

how much you care or whatever and that people are really just like like just spending so much fucking money on things for other people that they feel obligated to but i don't know how she's gonna take it because like at the end of the day not wanting to spend the money on her bachelorette party because you would want to do something else even though you can afford it i think is the elephant in the room that everybody else is just going to be paying and not saying that like i just don't i don't know how she'll take it unless she's like she doesn't know but like you've been like oh i've already been here it's like it's just it's about her and like again i don't agree with this whole wedding like i don't agree with this kind of thing because i think it can only

really be about you if you're the only one there like i think if you include other people and you make it all about you i i think you put everyone in this position and i don't think it's a fair fun position to put people you love and care about in but you know your friend and I think like my two different advice is like if you can swing the cost and you don't want to lose the friendship go and you know be nice be kind have fun even though you don't think you've been to the city like just pretend that you hadn't been there like go through it or I would lie about your financial circumstance because i don't think there's a way you tell the truth that uh she will take well i mean the last bachelorette party i went to was for allison and um it was super

expensive and i knew that going into it and she made it clear like i understand this is very expensive and if you can't come then don't come not like in a mean way yeah she said it in a much nicer way than I yeah yeah but she was very upfront with it but the only other person that I knew there was Gabe there was a lot of other people there and the thing is like because I got to know them there it was really fun at the wedding because by the time we got to the wedding every it was like we were all old friends because we did spend four days together and we had so much fun it was you know we did spend a lot of money but like at the wedding it was like the gang's getting back together so that might be something too if you do end up going then something to look

forward to yeah i will say like you're 24 i don't know how many of your friends have already gotten married and like have done destination weddings and stuff but like there is like there's at least like there was like a couple year span in mozz and i where we couldn't go on a trip because we spent so much fucking money going to people's weddings and like you know i think we probably have been to two maybe three i think only two maybe three weddings in california three three maybe a half but vast majority across the u.s international like and so that is something that it's like yeah we would we have rather spent the money going on our own trips totally but it's not about uh it's not about a trip it's not about a destination it is about the event so and the

experience yeah and and that's hard and i do think that anybody who's throwing those kinds of things they should be picking things that they want to do if the things are expensive they should be doing things that they want to do for that that they would do even if it was just them if no one else could go so like allison specifically we're out like where that was everybody could have been like can't make it and Allison would have had a great time on her like so I don't think that if you are just like oh we're gonna get an Airbnb in this city and we're all gonna do all these things like right now like it seems like everything's focused on bar hopping so it's like okay so you need these people there to fulfill this thing but you made this thing really expensive so yeah it's it's

tough but it is kind of like I don't know like the cost of friendships is like you know how do you think that she will react and I think the fact that you called in means that I think you know that she probably wouldn't react well and I would also ask like when is it because if it is within like the next couple I would say if it's within the next like month you haven't paid any money yet right that's probably it yeah you haven't spent the money yeah I think if it's really last minute that can be a little bit of an easier out because even people who can't afford something Like we're right post the holidays. And so it's like, oh, I'm actually,

I am strapped for cash right now. But then we ran into a problem, like how we had this other person call in where people dropped out and then it made the prices higher for everybody else. So it's not, I wouldn't do it at the last minute. If you're going to, if it's just early. I'm just saying, was it scheduled at the last minute?

And that's why things are so expensive. Got it, got it. Because I'm wondering if you put this money down already, because yeah, if it's divided up between people that like is can everybody else afford this is this already going or is this the point where it's like if you have to back out we're about to book it so things will have to change here so i i think you can also just say that like there should be input if it's a thousand dollars there should be input of being like i can't i i could definitely swing like 500 like

i can't swing this much if there's a way we could find a place that's cheaper but also like totally okay if not like i don't want you to have to like sacrifice your day but like i that's like my cap of what i can spend and i do think factually i think if she stopped being your friend over this i i don't think you are in the wrong at all for your feelings or whatever like i think that i says before but like i think the wedding industry has like really poisoned people's brains and yeah i i i don't know that you'll have i can't even tell you that i think if you go you'll have fun but I also I'm not gonna say that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go because it yeah your friendship might be riding on it which is not a fair position for you to be in

yeah do you have never been on a bachelorette party I tried to say that I would throw one for you and you're like I don't want one no all right let's take a break and we're back it's time the next you do it the next two are right ends okay hi eminem i hope your day is going well i am 22 years old she her i study in italy in an english program english is my second language, and I'm an international student. I've been living in Italy for three plus years, and I am in my third year of economics program, which is the last. At this point, I don't have any classes. They ended in June 2023, but I do have one exam I have to pass, Spanish. I am struggling a lot, and today was my third attempt to pass that exam. Everything else I had to do

in uni is done. My thesis is finished, and I am ready to graduate, but Spanish once again kicked my ass. I did my best, studied every single day, did tutoring with my Spanish-speaking friend twice a week, two and a half hours each time, but it didn't work, and now I'm left waiting for the next exam session in March. My parents are not upset, but clearly let down. My friends and boyfriend are there to support me, but also clearly tired. I can't have a proper job here without a degree and I can't learn Italian professionally since Spanish is all that occupies my brain and learning two languages is hard for me. I just need some advice on how to deal with these feelings of disappointment. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. One thing that I will say that you

said that you can't deal with Italian because you can only do one language at a time. They're close in language i have like college level spanish enough where i can get by i can if i hear spanish i can usually understand it but when i was in italy i knew enough spanish that i could understand what the italian stuff was so it was actually pretty cool so i that can be something one thing that can free you up a little bit yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't separate them as being so so different um to you because like context clues are incredibly important in language and i think that maybe being in italy could help you out with some of those context clues because you would see them and experience them more in day-to-day language i think this like

is not fair like i really know i don't either that you should be able to like like you tried and like who the fuck cares you're like this just like pisses me off and so like i can totally understand how like upset you are because like i think this is just unfair and like i don't know what level of spanish they're having you take for an econ degree but like the idea that like also like language on and on tests everyone will say like you can ace everything on a test and you're not going to be fluent until you are living somewhere where it's like it is the predominant language or you're spending all of this time there that like that's how you will become fluent in a language so to kind of like something like that where it's like i as a first

language english speaker i will fail english exams like people will fail exams in their own native language that is about the studying of said language so i think like if this was your degree and this was like what you were going to be doing but i think at this point like i would channel the disappointment into like frustration with like the system and then being like how can I cheat the system and like not cheat but like how can I study for this test that's what I was gonna say are you studying to learn the language because if that's what you're studying for and that's why you're studying with your friend that speaks Spanish it might be confusing are you studying to know the language are you studying to pass the test because there are certain things

that the test it might be like conjugating stuff like the test specifically is testing on that talking with somebody that speaks Spanish might not be actually helping you pass this test so I would implore you to write down everything that you know you've taken it numerous times at this point you should know like what's going to be on it as far as like what things that are going to be asked of you so if you're not studying for the test do that specifically like you know that we're gonna have to conjugate these you know that some things are gonna you're gonna have to write a sentence about this specific thing I had I know when I was in college I did have to take two classes and I had to like I remember one part was like matching stuff in like you had to do it

in person you had to come during like your own you had to schedule a separate time where you had to go talk to the teacher and then match things but had to say it like in Spanish and I didn't do well the first time that I did it and then like I studied specifically like I knew that this was going to happen because I was like I'm going to be fluent I'm going to learn everything I was like no you're wasting your time Melissa just learn what you know it's going to be on the test. Also, like, are you taking a class? Are you just taking the exam? I think from the context, you just have to take the exam maybe. But if you're taking the class, go talk to your teacher and let them know. I've given this advice before. Go talk to your teacher, your professor, whatever

you call them. Go talk to them and let you know, hey, this is a subject that is difficult for me. I've taken every class that I need to take at uni and this is my last class left. And for some reason, I can't pass this test. Is there someone that you recommend, someone specifically this teacher recommends? And just like, no, like if there's any extra work I can do that can help me learn the information, like be very open, talk to your teachers, really like have a buddy, like where they, it feels like a buddy don't actually like be friends with your teacher yeah but like have like this buddy situation like i really like after you take i don't know if it's like one test at the

end or if it's several tests but after you take one test be like hey um i got this grade can we talk through what i um missed just so that i can understand it for the next one really like and sometimes some teachers if you they know you well enough they'll just pass you that's the only reason why i graduated high school like if you show people that like this sounds really bad but like if you show your teachers that you also know that you're not doing a good job and you're trying really hard and you're like i know that this is not i know this isn't clicking for me like i know that i'm an outlier in your experience of teaching so like what can i do like and i and like you you take that incentive there I've never had a teacher be like no like I right every I did that in like

99% of my classes that like I tried really hard and I would do things that were more like towards my skill set and my strength and like tests were not and so like my test did not count for as much as my grade as other kids did and like because it would be like wait maybe a far outlier of how I normally would like how i perform in class or how i do x y and z or whatever and then there are other things that like i was just not going to fucking use in my adult like career life that i had to take and i had to pass and those teachers were like you're trying really hard there's nothing you can do to be better at this thing so like let's just like let me help you help you out but like acknowledging that there is like the first like they can't do that for you you have to be

the one to kind of like extend that relationship but i've never had a teacher be like no fuck like no fuck that kind of a thing i've had substitutes who do that and then like the teacher came back and they're like no scratch that like you don't have to do that and i'm like thank you but i would also ask your teachers i don't know how it goes but like a lot of teachers if it's um you can ask if you can have old exams to use as study material that's true so i think at this point like melissa that write down everything you remember and like what confuses like what did you have the hardest time with and at a certain point they're gonna be start reusing test questions and so like this was what i always studied for the test not to learn the material i know nothing about history but i

like did what i could to fucking pass those tests and i would talk to people who also have passed the test i would like as much as like yes studying with your span like your friend who speaks spanish who else is in the class who else has tips who else is who's done this who was a ta for the class like who's got the experience with the teacher how they write the tests and and everything like that and if you're not finishing the test like you're having a hard time even finishing them i would talk about accommodations for for that because when you're not being able when you're not able to finish it and you you're not getting graded on the whole test so things that you might excel a lot better in like the final aspects of it you don't even have the opportunity to to do

but this is this is a really common thing too like i i hope you know like i don't know what your relationship with your school is like but this is uh super fucking common but usually teachers don't want you to have to keep doing this and they'll try to help you out and if not you know figure out how the testing day goes and what things that might help you on that day you know things that you might have a hard time remembering off the top of your head maybe they shouldn't just exist on your head you know yep all right uh next one trigger warning diet and weight loss potentially disordered eating happy new year m&m since graduating college and getting a corporate job one and a half years ago i've encountered more dieting and weight loss talk

than ever before in my life it seems i was spoiled being around mostly people my age up until now i'm incredibly lucky to have grown up in a family that helped me establish a healthy relationship with food and my body i'm not worried about this changing however i'm finding all this diet and weight talk incredibly annoying one example is with one of my favorite co-workers tanya she is hilarious friendly woman in her 50s who i adore chatting with apart from the constant diet talk she always brings up that she's trying to skip meals or only eat kids meals or tiny portions she also makes negative comments about her body i have no clue how to interact with this i try to say things of the importance of fueling your body and how weight loss is bad if it requires

unhealthy actions this does not stop the comments and i'm not even sure if those are good things to say. Tanya also comments on my body saying things that that shirt looks so good on you because it makes you look slim. That is not a compliment and I don't even like that shirt. I can't imagine what she expects me to say in response to that stuff. My other co-workers will also casually chat about the weird fad diets and quote-unquote fasting that they're doing. I've made comments about how eating is important and they got annoyed with me. I've learned to try and avoid these conversations but sometimes I can't. My co-workers are really great otherwise. Do you have any advice on how to handle these situations firm line in the sand i've had to do this with people you are very lucky

to have grown up in this and like that's amazing and so i don't i would love to know how your parents did that like as someone who did not grow up in a household like that i am like how do you what is the like how do you how do you do that so i would love to hear like how your parents establish that but you have to just like drawing a very hard line of just saying like i say come at it from an uh like a place you're looking for compassion people feel especially that generation it is so ingrained that it's not even like it's it's not even on their radar like i have known lots of people that age who clear disordered eating habits and then they will talk shit on friends or family members who suffer from eating disorders and i'm like the spider-man meme but

it's just but it's like they're so detached from even thinking that there's an issue with that because it was just their baseline. They were normal. And so that to them is like, so out of like, it's just, it's just so ingrained. So I would say something like, hey, I wouldn't say it in the moment.

I would take a separate time away and I would just say, hey, so this has been kind of weighing on me really heavy. And I debated even saying anything, but I really like love our relationship as coworkers. But I have a really hard time with like the constant diet and like food weight loss talk.

it's really getting to me and I don't want to police you and your conversations but I'm not comfortable being a part of those conversations so if you could try if like if you can like not talk about that stuff in front of me and if it does come up and that's where the conversation stays I'm going to remove myself from this so situations just for like my own well-being and I want I wanted to let you know ahead of time so you know that that's why I'm doing that but that's just it's just not good for me because that's the only way you can't make it about them and like hey this is not good for you to be talking this way about you like it's just how they were raised like it is just so fucking normal so it can't be about oh what you are doing is not okay it's hey that's

not it's not good for me and so i need to remove myself from this and like this is harming me so they need to not do that to protect you not for their own self and well-being because they won't yeah my um parents are like this always commenting on people and it's annoying and uh i used to i mean i i still pop off up my tongue you know right just help yourself i can't help but i've learned more how to control it now and so at this point i ignore it but my sister megan is better at talking to them and so like for example we were um having a birthday party and one of the people there had which if you're listening what's up she bought some merch our old merch like but like recently um and she had just had a baby and my mom had said something like you're doing very well for

just having a baby and like you could see I was ready to pop off and then Megan just like hit me under the table and then later Megan said hey mom I know this is like of your generation to comment and you think that was a compliment but you should not make comments about someone's body even if you think that's a compliment like just don't do that and my mom's like okay I don't know if she really took it in but at least like it was said to her and i didn't start an argument at a children's birthday party no blood was shed so that's yeah but it's tough and like you should like i'm i'm glad you recognize like how like lucky you are that like you don't encounter this in like your friend groups either i've had to have this conversation with people like my age where

like i'm the one who changed like this this is a i we this is all we used to talk like this used to be fine and i'm like i can't do that this is not good for me anymore and i don't have any conversations with anyone my age about this and like it doesn't even come up none of my friends no one fucking brings it up there's like literally nothing and so when it happens with like someone who's like older than you like it can be kind of like a whoa random and you know i've said things about like to other people about like hey like okay like i don't love that like can we not or i just you just change the subject and so that's another way to like you said it's not affecting you right now so changing just fully just changing the subject is another way to be like let's talk

about something else or like that's like okay i just think that people's diets and people's bodies are like the least interesting thing about them and like i have zero desire to hear about other people's diets and those things yeah and the reason why they talk about it is because like that's how they sustain themselves on so so little food is like the sense of community of suffering through it together and you're not participating in that and so you can walk away from those conversations but i think giving them a heads up because like you can kind of play into like they're older than you they might want to be like oh we don't want to we don't want to do this in front of her i'm like okay and don't yeah and don't thank you i don't need to hear how you've

only been drinking soup for weeks it's just i i really want to hear what your parents did because like that's amazing like i went on diets in middle school like that shit is toxic as fuck and if your parents were like yeah kudos to your parents like that's that's great the bar is in hell you didn't give your children eating disorders what a great parent but i'm like damn never met one of those okay sorry on to the next what's time for we've reached the end of the rose this is where we leave you uh well we hope you enjoyed this episode so happy to be back for you all um hope you are happy and healthy one or the other and if neither someday soon someday soon hope you've got good things to watch on the television we've

got a lot of recommendations all the time so listen tomorrow and um we also have a lot of things for you to listen to so uh we have tuesday our see you next tuesday episode where we talk about whatever whatever we want it's a great one you don't want to fucking miss it um melissa did some melissa melissa hasn't we need to come up with a name for this like and she had an alter ego come out what's i had a time yeah she had a time maybe that do you have any nicknames in college celebrity months um okay no that's i'm not i'm not gonna not gonna call you that no but i was gonna say it's like you saw like you and like a different like maybe that's missy that was missy out that night oh i hate missy because i knew a missy that i hated and melissa that went

by missy that i hated i knew a melissa who went by missy and i was like you're a bad person but now it was like missy kind of fit you know like it fits that it's like and so when i think of missy i just think of yeah then we have a break for you on wednesday then thursday we come back with but am i wrong i haven't we haven't recorded it yet i have no idea i'm very much looking forward to what melissa says because if you listen to tomorrow's episode you'll hear she like suddenly says something that's going i don't even know how it's gonna happen and then we have this thing friday where we where we read the results of last week's episode of the prior week's episode of but am i wrong it's gonna be a couple weeks it's a prior it's a prior episode

the most recent new episode yes it's not last week's episode it's the most recent new new episode and we read those results and we read uh what you all say and your thoughts and feelings about it and then that's what we have for you our patreon and stay tuned for something exciting coming soon oh yeah you might get a little hit if you watch on thursday all right have a great day bye don't blame me as a production by me megan rinks and me melissa demonts plus diamond imprint productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.