Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Friend Brought Up My Brother Was In Prison

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Content Warning: #3 Vomit #4 Sexual coercion Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Friend praising a bigot Drunk friend being too open with a stranger Vomiting on a date Boyfriend being pressured into having sex Don't Blame Them: Caller whose boyfriend had a higher sex drive Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more. Hey, hi, hello. Welcome to another brand new episode of Don't Blame Me. your absolute favorite advice podcast where we two stunning gorgeous supermodels with wonderful personalities change your life for the better or for the better than better or for the slightly less than better but the title in itself is dumpling me so if we fuck up your life that is

actually truly none of our business but we would like you to tell us about it it's not our fault it's not our fault yeah it might be our business but it's not it's not our fault i'm melissa diamond montz and that is megan deep throat rinks you know what can i say that is my government name and if you want to know why first of all keep being curious keep asking questions and also you can join our patreon because when you look at me you'll have to watch the exact part where that was it'll make more sense um unless they just like go and see a video of me on patreon they go yeah this bitch is a deep thrower she's got a yeasty throat disgusting and itchy and why would you wish that upon me why would you do that why would you wish that

upon me that terrifies me because you went and told this story to that boy oh yeah but i saw that you were posting about how your allergies and i know you don't read your instagram messages even though i've sent you about 20 in the last two days let me go look maybe but you're telling about how your allergies are worse than they've been yeah and these last two weeks are apparently the heaviest for allergies of the year and i keep getting and i know this because i keep getting ads on tiktok telling me to go get tested for asthma and i'm like i don't need you coming for me okay i literally was talking to mata's parents this weekend about how you need to go get tested for asthma i was like most definitely it's asthma and i don't even know what the context of the story

was it was something i don't know but i was like well most definitely it's asthma so every time i've opened tiktok the last two weeks it says that and i'm glad because they're not fucking wrong you have i told you my game plan and you know i'm here for a game plan and i'm totally fine with it i appreciate the news thing that you send me i did see it immediately because i swear i don't have an alert on my phone to give me notifications about um the entity involving a green ogre in a swamp but i am such a huge fan that my algorithm knows and serves it up to me i sent it to mods and i said i want to get married here i haven't been hearing about the allergy thing too i saw it on i saw a subreddit post where someone's like in la they're like or what the fuck is up with

these allergies is it just me and everyone's like no and then monty's mom was saying it this past weekend and i was like cool not just me i have been getting recommendations people said if i've been on my claritin game for a while it's time to switch it up and i'm also gonna get some local honey well i already have that but i do go a week or two without my claritin so i'm not taking it every day i need to i know anyways what is this show this show is where we give advice and i think from what you just heard you're like yeah i want to hear these these people have to say they sound like they give wonderful amazing fantastic advice and to that i would say you would be fucking correct so what we lack in credentials we make up for in

opinions with capital o opinions so um there are multiple ways that you can participate in the show we do our classic voicemails you call us or you send us a voice memo let us know what's happening in your life tell us the whole story give us your age your pronouns if you would like give us all the important details write it all down practice a couple times make sure it's under three minutes read it out loud you don't have to perform it but you know if you want to perform it you can perform it and then um we will give you the best possible advice that we can or if writing is more your vibe you're more of a scribe you're more of an author you can write it let the pen be your sword and then we will read it aloud and when i tell you i will act there will be a performance then and all

the same requirements you have to be agent or over have your parents permission but if you want to send a dm you can do that over on our instagram or you can send us an email which is the same place to send voice memos for international listeners and that is to meganpodcast at gmail.com so both again under three minutes or written under 300 words and if you don't give us all the details we can't guarantee well we actually can't guarantee anything but we cannot give you the best possible advice because like we might have to infer something that's not totally correct but we started this podcast because we like helping people but we also like gossip so like give us the juicy things don't just be like okay here's where we ended up but like you know there's

all these things beforehand that were like crazy but i can't get into it get into it like please get into it we want you to get into it get into it roll around get out of it and like we'll we'll figure it out after that. I love getting into it. I, I, there is nothing I like more than getting into it. If someone's like, do you want to get into it? I'm like, let's get fucking into it. Let's get into it right now. Unless I don't want to get into it. Then I say, not for me. Depends on what we're getting into. We have a Facebook group and I went through yesterday. 8 a.m. My girl, I saw that. I needed a warmup before like a break in between my writing. So that's why i declined a lot of people and the reason was is that y'all didn't read the

instructions so please go back through if you were rejected and read the instructions and that's all i have for house cleaning amazing we also have a patreon like i said so if you want to watch the video versions of this podcast you can and recently with spotify right you can now listen ad free on the patreon so if that tickles your fancy if that flicks your bean i like to be tickled my fancy i hate being tickled i don't either but i do like my bean being tickled and then that's what i meant by fancy oh my bean is fancy what's your favorite kind of beans i love a baked bean like barbecue baked beans not even what i was thinking in the criteria but i wholeheartedly agree continue i also love black eyed peas which technically isn't a bean but

shaped like it yeah when you go shop at it for it in the grocery store it's in the bean section it's in the bean aisle well i have to say i am the representative for white beans oh delicious but like one of the most underrated beans refried beans yeah they're good i think they're criminally slandered i don't know why they're criminally slandered but they i just don't have a good time then a couple hours later yeah but i think if i'm eating something and as i'm eating it it's representative about what my it's going to look coming out of me that to me i know what i'm getting into so i can mentally prepare other beans are sneaky like a lentil soup that is fucking sneaky as hell i don't love it but if i'm eating it i'm like oh i'm eating lentil soup and

i'm not thinking about what this is going to be like tomorrow if i'm eating lentil soup it's because it's not me it's no someone else made it for me it wasn't even that i am hungry and this is the last thing that is available but i do i do like beans me too they don't like me that's the hard part yeah i want some black eyed peas i want split pea soup anyways shall we dive into these people's lives let's do it all right first up hi eminem i 23 she her have a close friend amy also 23 she her who i have known and loved since we were toddlers i am not religious as in amy is christian religion has never been an issue in our friendship as our values have somewhat aligned I am the more liberal one of us. We are long distance friends as we are in different colleges.

And in the past few months, I have felt a bit of a disconnect between us. Like Amy is really not sharing much about her life. This week, she told me that she has found a new church and has become a completely different person over the summer. And that's in quotes. So Amy said that. She has explained how she lives in a more conservative manner now. I told her I was happy that she found a community she feels right for her. Now Amy posted an Instagram story praising someone who operates in national politics and is widely known for being a bigot, homophobe, transphobe, pro-birth, you name it, and has been sued multiple times for the hate speech they spread in the name of Christianity. It got me thinking about just how much Amy's values have changed. I don't know how

to ask her about this without coming off too strong as these are values I feel strongly about. It concerns me that I might not like her answer and I don't know if I can ignore that in my perception of her. But again, we have been friends for 20 years now and I love her so much. How do I approach the subject in a respectful way and navigate forward in our friendship if it turns out we are no longer aligned morally? Or should I not say anything in the first place? Do you still want to be friends with her would be my first question and it seems like that you do and so if you do want to be friends with her i think that you do need to have a conversation with her in college that is a transitional period for a lot of people some people get better some people

get worse and uh seems like amy's getting worse and you said how do you approach the subject and it turns out that you're no longer morally aligned seems like she's already shared that she's no longer morally aligned if she's praising someone that's a bigot and so i would just say hey amy i've uh you know i feel like we're distant and um not just physically distant but um emotionally distance i've sensed this in our friendship and um i just want to see you know you said that you've found a better community for you that you feel like that you fit in with and i know that you know you go to church and i was just wondering what are your thoughts since i saw that you posted this thing about this bigot is that something you align with

which you already know the answer to because she was praising him and then see what her answer is and then go from there. But unfortunately, people do grow apart, especially if you're physically distant from each other, you're not doing, you're not engaging in the same activities like you would have when you were closer. And then because of that, you know, things might change because people get influenced by different things. And those influences are not things that you don't think highly of and you know some people are in your life for a particular moment in time and I know that you've loved her since you were little babies and you still love her but you can if she doesn't align with what you believe in you can love her from a distance and that can be it

yeah I mean my question would be like what do you want her to say because I think she's been pretty transparent a she's put distance between you already um and i think it's because she knows that you're not aligning and then she explicitly said i am living a more conservative lifestyle now and i'm aligning myself with this and it's this new church and all that so it doesn't seem like uh politics or religion has been separate from your friendship like she's bringing it up she's talking about it and that's after she had created some distance between the two of you so i don't know what you're expecting her to say it kind of feels like the question you're like do I ask the question because if I hear the answer I don't want to hear which is the answer you're

going to hear then if I don't hear that then maybe it's not true and like I understand that there's something along the lines of operating not to get like Trump where it's like you know we'll have less we just need to stop testing people for COVID then less people will have COVID but like there are some times where it's like yeah you don't want to ask the question because you don't want to know the answer but that doesn't change the fact that there is an answer and that doesn't change the fact like that what is true it's just a matter of like are you ready to deal with that or not But dealing with that means progressing forward. So I think if you're not ready to deal with it,

like you just take the distance and you like don't try and like, you know, chase this friendship and do all of this because it's not genuine and it is not fair to you, either of you, because you're trying to ignore something that you know is evidently true. And if you're not ready to hear her say that

and you're not ready to end the friendship, then don't end it. Take a hiatus. Just like keep that distance until you're ready for it Because I don't know what you want her to say. Like, do you want her to say that, like, I think you're the exception to the rule? Like, what do you want from her? Because I don't know, depending on how strong you are in your morals and convictions, like, this kind of stuff is not a political difference.

This is, like, a moral and ethical difference. And do you want to be friends with someone like that and not who she was before, but, like, who she is now? So if you're trying to like freeze time, so you can remember her of who she was, then I say, just put that distance there. Like, you know, you whether that's like ghosting her or not, but it does seem that like she's already pulling back and then you continue to pull back then pretend that like that, like not to be dark, but like pretend she died. pretend that like this friend that you had and wonderful like it's amazing like that friendship couldn't still be all of that but she is not that person anymore so trying to make her that person it's going to be like a fruitless endeavor for the both of you and i also don't think that like it doesn't sound like you want to get through to her or you want to change her you just want her to not be like this which is i think a fair desire but sadly she is like this and just because we

ignore it doesn't mean that she's not but if you're going to ignore it commit to ignoring it and then you need to not know current her but yeah it's it's hard and i understand um taking breaks or putting distance in friendships that you've had for a very long time and i'm i i think there's nothing wrong with putting those things off but in order to put them off you can't operate like everything is fine and how this relationship is still how it was because it's not like you can live in that suspended disbelief but do that in remembering this person in the past not making present them the person they're not i don't like her obviously next up hi megan and melissa context my older brother was arrested when i was 12 13 he was 24 at the time and was in prison for six years

it was really hard on the whole family it has never been something i talk about but my select few friends know but not even in a lot of detail me and lydia 24 female have been friends since we were 11 years old we were super close throughout school and since leaving we see each other every few months lydia's a bad drunk as in non-functional blacked out but she's never been a mean or rude drunk after a lot of bad nights out i decided not to drink with her anymore and only do coffee slash dinners we had a few good days out and a good night so i hope she'd outgrown it this summer she got a job working in spain for three months invited me out for a couple days the first night she got super drunk we were having a conversation with this guy and he made a comment somehow

relating to being arrested and I looked to her for an inside joke moment. She then started telling this guy that my brother went to prison and that he's a huge cunt. I immediately argued against her and so she started backtracking. The next two days of the trip were awkward and I was upset and she acted like nothing happened and I haven't really spoken to her since. She's tried to message me a couple times since and I don't know what to say. I'm bad at voicing my feelings and while it may not seem like a big deal, I'd never do the things she's done or said to her so I feel like I shouldn't be okay with them being done to me oh this is rough i i think that like she clearly has like a she's not a drunk that you like and that's okay that someone doesn't have to be like angry

mean violent or people can also just be like annoying drunks she's not a um a drunk that you like and i think i don't you decided not to drink with her and you would hope she had grown up i don't know if you had a conversation about that like hey I'd you're not my favorite drunk and it's just like not it's not great in that instance but yeah I I guess my question would be to you what are you most upset about like are you upset that she told this stranger about your brother are you upset that she called him cunt are you you're saying that you would never have done these things to her but like what specifically was the thing that really really hurt you in this and i think all of them can hurt you but like what specific aspect of it is because if it's

if it's that like she's you know what happened with your brother was a non-violent and i mean i'm not a fan of jail in general but like if there's something that like this is cut and dry not that like, you know, your brother went to jail for drunk driving and killed somebody and she lost a sibling in a drunk driving accident where like there's something that is a big trigger there. I think in that case, I think an inside joke is not really appropriate to kind of like give a knowing look. But I think if you gave a knowing look, I would assume that there's not that kind of thing there. Yeah, I think this is a communication issue, but I don't think it's kind of her to bring it up you also didn't give a lot of insight you said you don't tell a lot of

like friends only a select few people know but it sounds like she's not she's not a very good drunk and then also you might not like what she had to say and that was also hurtful and that's not a matter of like oh poor company to say it in but also like that's a hurtful thing to say and i don't think drunk words are sober thoughts but i think that if you do not like a person when they are drinking how they treat you when you're sober they can treat you really nicely but if they treat you poorly when they're drinking like you can be upset about that when you're both sober the next day like you're allowed to like have feelings about those kinds of things but i feel like we need more info see i'm like you you the caller you knew that she isn't herself when she's

drinking and you've decided to separate that part of her life from yours but you you know you were in a situation where she invited you to a different country that she was living in so you did what she wanted to do but like i if if you truly like who she is when she's sober and you don't think if she was sober then she would have said that then I'm like you just kind of have to move past it but if this is somebody who you know when they're drunk that they do not behave in the way that you consider a friend and you've already cut that part of their life out of your life then you should if she's drunk and you are around her you shouldn't expect the friend that you want and i know what she said was hurtful and it was uncalled for well i don't know what the offense

was but it was hurtful and it was hurtful to you so that's all that really matters is hurtful and in a normal situation she wouldn't have said it then yeah you can be hurt but if you want to continue to be friends with her and again you know that's not who she is when she's sober then i think you just got to move on from this if she's apologetic about it Yeah, especially like the like, looking over to her for like an inside joke moment. Like, you don't like her when she's drunk, and you don't trust her when she's drunk. And like, I'm not going to say that, like, you know, you instigated it. But like, if she's not great, she can, she's taking something that's sober, she would have understood that cue. And there it felt like, might have felt like for her, like, oh, I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this part out loud. but yeah i i i agree and i also think that not that people can't be held responsible for the things that they say when they're like inebriated or under the influence but if you are going to go out and go drinking with them it also reflects on on you and like if you don't like who she is

when she's drinking even if you're sober even if it's like oh i'm gonna like don't go there and be there because it will it will reflect as well on you. And it's just it's it's not a situation that you have to be in. Yeah. And if you've set up these boundaries, like when you're on the same turf, you know, then you should have had those same boundaries when you went on the trip and been like, I would love to come visit you, but, you know, I don't like to be around you when you're drinking so let's just go places where we're not drinking yeah and we've even said that to her because i think that's another part of it is that like you can be like oh i thought she we had a couple nights out it was fine so i thought she outgrew it and it's like there's no communication

there between the the two of you and i'm not thinking that she's going to like say like oh yeah i'm not a good person when i'm drunk but i i think it's if you care about your friend i i think it's good to be like i i'm not particularly like a fan of you when you're drunk so like i'd rather not do those activities like just clue her in all right well we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get into a call and a write-in we're back and it's time to uh get into the rest before we get into this one i want to say that this does have mentions of vomit throwing up so if that is something that you are not good with skip love the podcast i've been listening for a while now first i want to give a trigger warning

of bodily fluids, yes, it is necessary. I, 25, he, him, recently had my third date with a guy that we'll call Jake, 23, he, him, that I met on Tinder two to three months ago. We decided to watch Howl's Moving Castle since Jake had mentioned that he hadn't seen all the Studio Ghibli films on our second date. Anyway, we made plans to watch the movie, and when the date came, I decided to buy some alcohol. It is here that I fucked up. I bought a few new drinks I'd never tried, particularly a Swedish brand of gin. We met up, and the date was going well with lots of kissing and cuddling. I drank a glass of gin and then followed up with a glass of vodka like 45-ish minutes later. I don't remember what happened after this. I blacked out for the first time

ever in my life. I normally don't drink this much, but even when I do, this has never happened to me. I suddenly went from watching a movie at midnight to waking up in my room at 7am with vomit everywhere. I opened my door to find Jake on the couch awake. He looked clean and was wearing the same clothes, so I don't think I barfed on him. I immediately changed out of my clothes and brushed my teeth i went out and apologized to him and we hugged and kissed goodbye that was saturday it's now thursday and i haven't heard anything from him he hasn't posted on social media and he hasn't texted me which is unlike him should i just give up can you ever come back from this thank you without a doubt you can come back from this but the ball is in your court if you are the one

barfing or the one who got wasted and did something like embarrassing or something you're not proud of i do think that it is your responsibility to reach out and even if you apologized in person there but you know he might not want to have not want to come back from it but i think you have to make the first effort to do so agree good thing you're safe and okay yeah yeah i'm glad you're safe and okay yeah i think you can 100 like megan said you can come back from this I don't think that like this is a big deal but he did stay like he stayed he was on the couch could have left he made sure that you were still alive so you must have not done something incredibly terrible or he's just a very good person either way I think that you gotta message

him and be like hey what's up maybe you don't know what he's going through since you haven't talk to them you don't know what you're going through something like sometimes i just megan disappears from the internet and doesn't message me and i'm like hey just checking in to see that you're alive and she'll be like yeah i'm fine you know things happen some people that aren't uh that are perpetually on the internet they take breaks for a minute yeah so so um so yeah just just send them just send them a message and be like hey what's up sorry about what happened the other night let's do some maybe propose doing something where there's no drinking like you make a joke about it yeah and because i think you said it's the second day we've been talking for a

couple months so this is still the time where it's like it could be like they oh my gosh i never do this and it's like over the screen plot twist they do this all the time so like you need to hang out with him if he's interested hanging out with him again and not drinking to like don't prove like look i can handle my alcohol and i drink fine normally by like drinking but just like right now 50 of the time that you've gone out with him you've been blacked out barfing on yourself so like we need to get that percentage down if he's open to that and wants and wants that but that is again it is it is on you because it's not that it's even like an ick it's just kind of like a oh is this how this person is yeah so there can only go based on your word but you have to

in the words of love island you put the graft in put the graft in that means but okay you know put the work in put your back into it you can do it put your back into it a prophet once said all right i'm also making fun calling you again because i got cut off even though i everything in it. So I'll try to narrow it down a little bit more. I'm a 24-year-old female and have been with my boyfriend who is a 25-year-old male for five years. A couple years ago, my boyfriend moved to Sacramento, did some work and just wanted to move out. He was going with his childhood best friend who is also a 25 male. We had a long-distance relationship where he would come back almost every weekend. Occasionally, I would drive up to Zoom when I could, which is

about a two-hour drive um this is about three years into a relationship you've never done anything I said anything for me not to trust in any way and I've always been like a blocking green flag like golden retriever energy having six months into his news having his best friend got blacked out drunk during a hangout session they only remember chugs and pieces the next day the only factual thing was that I had sex after a whole friend um will call an analyst asked him what type of porn he watches uh from my boyfriend's perspective I find coercion into doing things um like going down and doing bad things however um his son also doesn't remember cross-dressing and making him do such things during this time my boyfriend didn't really

think about me because he was too good hearing in fact that's even think we both felt terrible after putting this in pieces together i had multiple talks about it which my boyfriend showed me all the screenshots and messages um my boyfriend told me about the suspense about a couple of days after it occurred since he was piecing everything together and wanted to process it. And during this time, I never would have guessed that Alex

or my boyfriend would do anything like this because Alex is someone who he's trusted in for so long, even from his grade school. However, I know all my friends and my boyfriend feels terrible about it. And my boyfriend's never done anything where there have been any beige or red flags. This past season, he went on an olive blaze trip

to be successful in a different state and has been keeping me up to date every day with these feelings of upset and feeling cheated on, but also trying to support someone who felt violated comes up, and these feelings usually come up occasionally from time to time. We've had many talks about this, and he was not understanding and has promised and continued to uphold the promise that he'll never be disinvited, and if he is under any influence that he would only go far enough where he is still completely aware of everything, which is something I can definitely verify. I'm not exactly sure what to do about these feelings

when they come up because, one, I want to be supportive of him, but two, there's always this thing in the back of my head where something must have happened again. Here I'm monogamous and he is bisexual and I'm also bisexual, but I'm still trying to be more comfortable with my sexuality. um and kind of thought that please let me know if i did anything wrong or what if you do next thank you so much and i love you okay here's the thing if he was coerced and he feels violated then he did not cheat on you and this is not a trust issue he was sexually assaulted and if he is a victim in the situation then your feelings about like trusting him I know that we're always like feelings are valid but in this situation it's not valid because

it's not cheating he was assaulted so y'all are monogamous you said that you're monogamous and if you actually do trust him and you know that in a situation where he you know had less alcohol and he didn't black out and he was piecing things together like this isn't something where you're like I don't really trust him or I feel insecure about him being away on this trip then like your feelings are misplaced in this situation and I think it may be because neither of you realize that this was assault and if you feel like that the friend pressured him into doing this and you said that you feel like that he you know you trusted the friend and you didn't think that he would do something like this then and he like started the things out about how he um asked the

question like what kind of porn you like you think that was a tipping point i just i need you i i want y'all to go back and reevaluate the whole situation because if you do i think that will change your perspective yeah i agree with everything i think the bottom line question is like do you believe him because if you believe him then this is the the worry that you have is not that he is going to cheat on you the worry that you have is that he's going to be in another situation where he's violated and his friend was also totally blackout and they both had to piece this together two people not being of the right mind to consent doesn't cancel out and mean that they both consented that's not what happens so even if his friend does not remember and doesn't

have is like no i don't remember this i remember these little bits and pieces this was not an okay situation and so just because they were both drunk both high whatever it is doesn't mean that two inebriated people equal one whole person who can consent like that's just not not the circumstance and i want to know why they're not friends anymore because like most i said like i don't know what that you like if he's using the term like he feels violated to me that feels like he's like tossing you the option the ball of being like ah this doesn't feel right and it that it's not being met with that that it's like it's being seen as something else and that he's not getting validated in that feeling and so that he's not even fully unpacking that as well and so i think

like the being like it is also really victim blaming to say like you know we he's made a promise and you've got this boundary that he can't get that inebriated again and it's like that has nothing to to do with that like that's not and it's it's fucking semantics and it's also like regardless if it would have like you're saying that he wouldn't have done this if he was not intoxicated, that doesn't, okay, what about the other person? Would the other person have done that if they were this intoxicated? Like, it's just one of the, that you can't be, it's pinball. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world

around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Pointing these specific things that to be upset about

versus like looking at the bigger picture of this. And I think it's just really misplaced. So I think like you being worried about him on this boys trip to me, and I don't want to, you know, i i give a lot of our listeners like the benefit of the doubt and like we try to read a lot between the lines but like when you keep saying like alex was a really close friend and like i was so shocked like we all really trusted him and you're worried that you know he's going to cheat on you quote unquote again like on this trip like are you worried about that are you worried that he's

with a group of people that you also really trust and suddenly you're like fuck i can't trust anyone none of us can trust anyone and now i'm really concerned because my partner is off here with other people who he's trusted and he has trusted for years after he doesn't have this like what if there's more alexes what if there are other alexes in in in here and we don't know about that that's a totally valid like fear to have this is also so so separate from what he is going through so your concerns about this and your feelings about this like with love are not his problem and you do not need to make it his problem because you need to process this on your own

to understand that like, oh shit, the language I've been using is victim blaming and I have not been validating this. And you keep saying he felt like he was violated. He was violated. Like he was violated point blank. And I don't know that if you believe him and I think that he doesn't know if he believes himself

because he doesn't think that you believe him. and there's boundaries being created in conversations and he's validating, like the way you're going about this now is he cheated on you. And that's how, that's the aftermath of this. And like nothing's fixed and nothing's recovering because that's not what happened.

And so you're not feeling any better, nor is he because you're painting a problem that didn't actually happen versus the one that did. This is not, I don't think what you want. And I think part of you knows, you're like, if I did anything wrong, and I think there is a part of you that might know that, or there's just like something in you that is like, it's not feeling right. And what's not

feeling right is how you've gone about this. And I think that because he's kind of fallen into that role that you've given him of like, this is my partner who cheated on me, that you feel validated in that, that he's like, okay, yeah, I won't do that. Yeah, I won't do that. Yeah, I won't do that. That doesn't mean that he remembers more than he's telling you. That doesn't mean any of that. And if you believe that this is all an elaborate lie, then why are you with him? I don't think you think he's lying because i think if you think he was lying and he was he quote unquote like pretended to be assaulted to get out of cheating on you you wouldn't be with him that's a horrific thing to do and i don't think he did that and i don't think you think he did that but

that's we're creating this alternate reality that is easier to process for the both of you and you have every right to be hurt and to be hurting for him that he was betrayed by one of his closest friends and that you weren't able to support him in a way that you might have if you had a bird's eye view of the situation and you can be hurt by all of that but this is about him and the focus on him and it doesn't feel like this focus has been on him and even like you said like he's like they're not friends anymore and he's like really upset this is awful like it's a would it's it's not like people get abused by their partners and like those relationships end and those people are still like this shit is complicated and like when you get hurt by someone who like you really love

and care about and that relationship ends it's complicated there are complicated feelings there And I just think there's a lot of denial coming from your end, which I think that he's subscribing to that belief because I think he's been assigned a role, whether he feels like he doesn't feel like a good victim, like a perfect victim. And so he's like, no, I probably did something like he's. And then you co-signed it or you felt like he was an instigator and then he co-signs it. Like whatever it is, I just do not think that either of you are treating him with the care that he needs to be treated with based on this situation. I think that he's been assigned a role that he did not play and the role of like the cheater. So this sucks. It sucks.

And then also at the end, you kind of threw it away that he was bisexual and you were also bisexual. And I don't know if you're saying that as like this was him exploring his sexuality, but it's not. If he didn't consent to it, this is not him exploring. And I'm not sure if you think that gives you a pass like to do something. but no like y'all need to have a serious conversation about what this was yeah and if he wasn't by what would your reaction have been would you have been like oh no he was victim here but like i really feel for him and i don't even think either of you know what you're doing i don't think either and i and i especially don't think that i don't i don't think that he recognizes

that you are victim blaming him i think that he now thinks that he was not a victim and that he cheated when he didn't and he like lost his oldest friend over like this is awful and if you painted this picture and you told this story and this was like your best friend the i think you like as the caller i think you'd feel incredibly strongly about how you have handled this moving forward i don't think you're consciously doing it which i don't want to say that that makes it less bad but i don't think you're a horrible evil person who doesn't believe that that believes that like people get what's coming to them or that like you know what were you wearing you do like i don't believe any of that because i think you called and said did i

do anything wrong because i think deep down you know so i don't want you to feel like this is like a lost like a lost cause at all but you just it needs to be the everything needs to change from this moment forward yeah i just don't think that either of you realize what happened yeah truly yeah and it's unfortunate and i just would urge you to just not make any of it about you and if he like needs a break and he needs some separate like that's fine but like if you need to talk about this with someone he is not the person to talk about this with it is a therapist and like with love it's also not your friends it's also not your family members like this is his trauma that is incredibly heavy and really hard and it affects you totally not nearly as much as it affects him

but you played a role in the handling of the mishandling of this afterwards and to that it is a professional help to help you help him but this is not something for mutual people in your life to be like a sounding board for you i have faith that this is you'll this will be a positive change for the both of you it just might not be might feel uncomfortable to hear this at first yeah all right well we're gonna take another break we're back and it is time for don't blame them and you might be wondering what is don't blame them i'm here to tell you don't blame them is where a listener will call in or write in with their own advice pertaining to a call that we had aired on a previous episode so they might have

personal experience they went through something firsthand they have a friend who went through something maybe they're a professional in like the space that it's in or they have a niche answer or experience with something mentioned or they've got great listening ears and have some more insight that we might have missed. Don't blame them for the caller whose boyfriend had a higher sex drive. Listening to this call, it sounded like it isn't a sex issue, but more an intimacy issue. My boyfriend and I both have lower sex drives, so we managed to fill our intimacy needs through things like massages and talking about things we are grateful slash proud of the other for doing. I think you should chat with your boyfriend about some non-sexual activities

that might satisfy his needs. Also, I agree with what Eminem said. He might not even be bothered buy it at all and the previous message they had sent before was nasa warns that alien life may not be to say fuckable and it's just like a meme of someone oh man somebody tweeted it to me to get the brand yeah don't you love when people see aliens they think of you i do you want to see my shirt first of all who the fuck is doing her merch because everybody's merch sucks except for hers i know that's they're doing it they're not they're not freelance like there's no shot they're working for a new she has them in lock and key damn that's good did you know that that they were selling that one i didn't wait in line for that she's also selling the merch online i bought it

oh yeah no one's asking but taylor's like do you want to get merch and i go online and also yeah love that girl that merch that she sells is not my favorite yeah yeah it was uh well we'll talk about it tomorrow on see you next tuesday where you can hear all about everything that i did this past weekend in houston texas houston baby so fucking excited um we hope you all enjoyed this episode don't blame me if you did you can leave us a review either on the podcast app or spotify you can leave reviews for individual episodes uh like we said we have our facebook group if you would like to join make sure you read off the requirements and patreon on it is a very affordable price there are multiple different tiers you could join ranging

from watching the video versions of this podcast to our other podcasts to our live streams that we have twice a month which are so fun we literally just hang out with all of our people and we love them they're great they're fun they're sexy who do you think is not fun we'll let them argue amongst themselves and they're sweating and their little chat that their group chat that oh don't mostly don't play with fire because mostly always we joke we're never a part of it and they finally found a way to add melissa and then she had to unadd herself and i'll keep on and i'll keep on doing it and i do it again um so yeah please join we have such a fun time it is it's it's a grand old time and if you would like to call or send a submission in for an upcoming episode like we

at the beginning leave us a voicemail send us a voice memo or send us a dm or an email oh also i should tell you that this is monday and if you're brand new here this is you're just scratching the surface we have an entire slate of content for you every week welcome to the m&m universe so tomorrow we see you next tuesday which is cash chatting you know catching up lives random really personality driven then we have a break on wednesday so you can um hump it was wednesday hump day right yeah yeah so you can hump someone because we're not ready to be humped because we get fisted in the same day in the same week um then thursday is uh but am i wrong another great podcast where we talk about everybody who's wrong and it's everybody except for us and then we have

friday which is fisting friday where we read the results from the previous week's episode of but am i wrong so you get to vote on who you think is wrong and then we talk about it the grand old time it is and i'm gonna read off some of our patrons as well okay emma emily i like the way you spell it e-m-i-l-e-e sierra jess gretchen these people have been members since 2019 fuck yeah i love a gretchen gretchen is just like i know everything about you just based on your name and like by a parent being like like you're or a guardian naming a child being like this baby is gretchen no baby his name is gretchen an adult a teenager a child's name is gretchen so they know they're like vibe checked you so hard i love a gretchen yeah because i mean their father

created toaster strudel so how could you not gretchen's are destined to be nepo babies you're like not allowed to be named like gretchen what what are you inheriting right what conglomerate let me know anyways all right we will see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa demonts plus diamond and imprint productions post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz production assistance by Melanie D Watson and music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.