Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Friends Want Me To Stay with My Toxic Ex

Episode Date: July 10, 2025

This week, Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Bickering with partner Friend has FOMO How to move on Making the decision to elope Buy Our Merch ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠��⁠⁠⁠⁠https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ (300 words or less) Follow Us! ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/meghanandmelisa⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ @meghanrienks ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/meghanrienks⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/meghanrienks⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales. Using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. Hello, mid-sized business. We see your big ambitions,

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Bring it with SAP Grow. AI Cloud ERP for any size business. hello hi is there a shiver in your timber what is a timber oh your vocals whoa that Melissa sometimes you teach me things that I don't even know I don't even know I'm in class I don't even know class is in session in the moment I don't even have my glasses on not being studious and you're just teaching something brandon wow and you let you lead me you can't force the water the horse to drink the water but you leave me you leave me straight to the pool to the pond right there i am a horsey nene here i am amongst the water that i'm laughing

it right up i'm drinking wow that was so interesting i never knew that anyways welcome everybody now i will give another disclaimer if anybody uh did not catch our you know if you're like oh i'm a long episode listener i i skip out on the uh see you next tuesdays and fisting fridays which i don't know why you're doing that you're depriving yourself you might have missed that i am a level of unmedicated that is is it's gonna be fun it's gonna be goofy and just as your fair warning megan you have adhd i know adhd does not have you well right now it has me no fucking jokals it's got me up against the wall and i'm like for sure whatever you say whatever you say um but also matzah is working from home today except turns

out we'll say he's not working today he is the day off so he told me he was planning on moving the furniture around and i said why would he do that no and he said well i'll do it very quietly and i said i know so in a second if i hear if i hear anything moving around i'm gonna have to shut that down but as of right now i haven't heard it he can't wait two hours of course not well he wants to get this arbitrary to-do list that he's created in his head done so then he can not feel guilty about going to go either a hit balls or b go see that zombie movie by himself what zombie movie 75 hours later 72 days later 28 days later 28 i'm about to drink out of a comically large container okay a vessel show me the vessel it's the way that i was not fucking prepared for you

to be drinking out of an easter basket melissa it is an agua fresca container no lid no straw well that's a pale you're drinking out of a pale is that it does have a lid which is right here yeah she just is against the straw is too short so it just falls right through so there's no point in having the lid on when i can just drink straight from the container i'm not unfamiliar with an agua fresca i knew the lid that was missing i knew the straw that is missing and that's why it wasn't your it's a double a double hand chug from a pail yeah wow 72 ounces delish though right absolutely delish a little berry situation yum yum yum well anyways everybody

besides telling you to drink out of a little pail and to refill your medication we are here to give you other alternative life-changing wonderful amazing advice and this is a show where we do exactly that so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode write in fill out a form we have all these different options you want to call in three three one zero six nine four zero seven nine zero nine seven six yeah yeah yep yep and you can tell i'm medicated it's the area code that's tripping me up i had a dream about area codes last night did you have hoes in different area codes i think it i think that truly that might have been my dream there was a guy i used to date that was in my dream and so like maybe he was my hoe in another area code yeah up in that

415 anyways uh yeah we also have a forum that you can fill out that's listed in the show notes a what a form you said forum anyways let's not get nitpicky we have a form that you can fill out uh in our show notes it's also listed in the socials on our bios and stuff and you can also email us at meganpodcast at gmail.com so for the audio version keep it under three minutes requirement for the written version under 300 words for both of them you have to be 18 or over you have to tell us how old you are you have to tell us you have to detail your problem that you would like advice on and remember that we are for the most part unless you're part of our patreon and like you don't use a voice

changer and we like really know it's you we are not privy to the situation so like you gotta start or if you've called in multiple times yes you know who that was i do i do so um yeah make sure that you give us all the relevant information and details because we we don't we want to give you the best advice possible we don't want to give you bad advice or advice you're not going to take sometimes we give you advice you're not going to take and then we want to give you like an alternate advice you will take um so yeah make sure you tell us how old you are how long you've been in the relationship and that doesn't that can be a friendship it can be a sibling but like let me know how old your sibling is let me know how long you've been in that sibling not like an incest

sibling relationship we really hate those calls a moment of silence for those people yeah yeah anyways um that's all i have for our intro right yeah i will say if you're listening to this before 12 p.m pacific time then um you still have time to get in your thoughts on sinners they did just save that it is releasing on hbo max you don't have time to listen to it anymore unless it's early in the morning but if you don't want to purchase it you can stream it sick all right you ready to get into the first one i am hi eminem i she her 31 moved in with my boyfriend he him 31 two months ago we've been together two years before we moved in i listened to advice from old episodes on moving in with a partner and found it super helpful, especially all the things

to talk about before you physically move in together. Lots of people have told me that moving in with a partner is an adjustment, but my question is, is the adjustment that you bicker a lot? When we fought before we lived together, it was always about stupid things like disagreeing on a restaurant for dinner or who is going to cook lunch. We never argued about big life decisions like when we want to get married how many kids we want etc it feels like we bicker almost every day and i'm not sure this is normal as we get used to living together most of our fights now also seem minor like i forgot to do a chore and do it later than i promised or he is cooking dinner and the food isn't ready when he promised we do apologize after these fights and still deeply

love each other but the but the constant bickering and making up feels exhausting it feels like we're struggling to have patience with each other so i would appreciate any advice on how to be more patient and bicker less for context before living together my boyfriend lived alone for several years and i lived in an apartment for five years with my best friend prior to that we had both lived with our parents p.s for listeners i'm the exception not the rule don't live with your friends i don't know if i'm reading the situation wrong but even you said before we lived together like we were fighting about stupid things like disagreeing on a restaurant for dinner or like who's gonna cook lunch to me that sounds like bickering and you're also still disagreeing on

the same things of cooking later and doing a chore like that's still in the same realm of the same stuff so i don't think anything has changed yeah i was exactly gonna say the same thing you're seeing him more it sounds like you have had a relationship that like has had like what you probably prior to this would consider like a healthy amount of bickering i will be totally honest this to me is more bickering than i could personally handle in a relationship living together or not but like this was what you did before you lived together this was like how you communicated this was like the you know we fight we make up we do that kind of stuff which is totally fine but like melissa said like i don't think it's it doesn't as of right now it doesn't

sound like you've necessarily changed it sounds like you don't have like the space to walk away from that or to like vent to your friend to be annoyed it sounds like and maybe it has ramped up and it just like this wasn't descriptive of how much it's ramped up but it sounds like the saint like thematically quite similar and it does sound like maybe you had both gotten like there was a normalized sense of bickering that you thought maybe you would this would happen less when you move together but like does he have an issue with how much bickering that you are doing because some couples like to bicker yeah some people do like to bicker they like to it it gives them excitement and ramps up the day and is foreplay in some ways but to you sounds

like an annoyance and you want it to stop yes and like i i also wish you had done some more examples because like forgetting to do a chore and then doing it later than you promised to me that's like okay what chore like because if it's like oh i said i was gonna clean the inside of the oven but it's like totally usable and then you do it later if he's getting annoyed with you i'm like okay whatever like that is like so not a big deal but if it's like oh we can't move forward with like our other plans for the day until this thing is done like you forgot to take the trash out and it was trash day but you did it later but you missed the pit yeah yeah or like because i'm also wondering like are you or both of you or either of you justifying what you've done or like

getting defensive because like i find that exhausting in because like to me that's bickering versus like communication and being like hey you forgot to take the trash out and it's trash day like let's like is there a system that we can do till we don't do that or like just heads up you know can we problem solve how we're gonna get rid of all the fucking trash we have and if someone's like well i know i was doing this whatever and it's like okay well now we're arguing about the thing that you know that you did wrong that like this isn't necessarily helpful or like propelling us forward because if you're also arguing with the same things all the time to me that's like less bickering and more like butting heads a lot and like if it's like how's

the communication aspect of this like you know we apologize after these fights but like are we having the same fights over and over and over again but like how to be more patient and to bicker less is honestly the solution is communicate better right because and the things that you named didn't seem like that big a deal to me just yeah is it him is it being in the same space together did you move into a space that you both occup that one of you occupied before or is this a new space and that's an adjustment to the point so these are these are questions to ask yourself but the things you sent seem very minute and especially the whole thing of like you know uh you forgetting to a chore doing it later than you promised or he's cooking dinner and the food isn't ready when

he promised okay okay like like sometimes food takes longer to cook sometimes you have to chop up more than you expected or it took longer did he like start two hours later and he said it was going to be ready at six and it wasn't ready till nine and then he wants you to do it because he doesn't have the energy like so like i think the same way that like for you we can all come up with like a reason why you didn't get that chore done as quickly as you had initially planned or whatever the same thing I think can be said like back and forth and like do you hold him to the same expectations and standards that you hold yourself and does he hold you to that so like is he allowed to have an excuse for why he didn't do something but like yours is there is no excuses allowed

because I think like I agree with you like this sounds like you're getting just really irritated with him and like I will say moving in together there's there is sometimes like you start to notice things about the other person but the difference in that is what Melissa pointed out it sounds like these are the same fights so like i think that there's a level of being like oh i don't you know when you're not acting like you're a guest in a house and like how you live here when you are just being like totally relaxed like that's that is like i'm learning it like that's a that's a an adjustment period but i think like sounding that most of these sound quite similar to the other arguments you had before it might be that like you know you've gotten used to the

standard of like bickering in a relationship and that might not be your your sweet spot you might not be someone who enjoys bickering but like you didn't have to face that or deal with that until you actually live together and you realize like oh this isn't like a like maybe he's staying mad like maybe this isn't like a oh i'm trying to communicate and this turns into an argument but like i didn't realize that this were these were arguments arguments until now i'm stuck in a room with you and i'm realizing that like this is souring more than just like the 30 seconds of expressing how i'm feeling about this or whatever right but in general i mean like i we've always said like i think if you're having the same arguments over and over and over again that's

like a that's either therapy or breakup because like you can't if you can't problem solve that yourself that there's a reason why the profession of therapy exists but um i i'd be really curious about what he thinks about these things like are you trying to have more patience with him and what's his patience like with you like what is what are you also being allotted and then also like did you think moving in was gonna fix these arguments yeah that's a good one too things to consider so you've got to be flexible because like he might have been a person that just like eats when he's hungry and as opposed to like we have a set time to eat so like i think these are still more conversations that you need to talk out and figure out but we i just feel like

that y'all are setting each other up for failure totally and i think you really have to ask you like ask each other like how do you feel about the bickering like if it does not bother him and like more so than that if he you know there's a lot of men who kind of like it when they're the woman they're with is a little irritated with them like a lot of guys find that hot and i'm like i don't like being irritated I would like actually prefer like I can pretend to be irritated at you but like I don't actually want to be irritated with you so like I think that you can also have said that like oh I thought I enjoyed bickering with you but like I actually didn't realize that I don't and I want to shift how we communicate with each other for this because to me this is like the

textbook definition of bickering and some people are very cool with that and other people are not i'm not i'm not one of those people like if you get annoyed with me now i'm more annoyed with you for me depends on the guy and that's how i had to learn because i was like if i'm flirting with you fine if i'm like coexisting with you now i'm annoyed you know i mean like i'm like this is don't piss me off now so yeah more communication is the answer all right we're gonna take a break At Desjardins Insurance, we know that when you own a nail salon, everything needs to be perfect from tip to toe. That's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business

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we are back and it is time for the next this is from someone 27 she they i'm in a friend group of roughly eight people we all met working at the same fast food job which has very flexible hours two friends no longer work there but only one of them rebecca works a nine to five we rarely are all able to have hangs with all eight of us but if there's more than two people doing anything and then she hears about it rebecca she makes side comments like thanks for the invite or you couldn't have picked a day that i'm off or what happened to doing stuff on the weekends even to things that we absolutely know that she wouldn't enjoy doing. When pointing that out, she doubles down. She expresses feeling left out of big hangs, and I try to explain that I'm unaware of any big

hangs happening without her, and it's not enough. There are weekly dinners that happen that I don't attend because of work, and when I counter that she attends those, she says they don't count, and it just feels like there is no winning. She has very bad FOMO and is insecure about being left out, but these kinds of comments just isolate herself more. She basically punishes us for ever having a life away from her but then doesn't take any initiative to make plans with us and it's not like we're going to invite her to stuff that we know she can't attend let me be clear no one is purposely leaving her out either just have different days off or aren't trying to do the big things with everyone addressing in the moment hasn't worked and we anticipate a friend to

revenge overwhelming her we don't want to be all against one but don't know how to play it out any and all advice is appreciated thank you how about inviting her to things that she cannot go to right is there not a group chat with everybody just invite her just invite everybody and then if people can come they can come that seems like the most simple solution to me yes yes and i think if she just leaves like well like can we reschedule this day you just say like oh i can't like we can't do this i work that day or somebody else works that day and like the same the same way that when you do that on like a big group chat without a doubt similar like you said in this right like you're right in there will be other people who can't attend the same thing that she

can't attend they can have an own separate chat of planning their own separate thing another day that other people can't attend but i think when you do not include her in the conversation some people want to be invited even though they know like it's just it's just feeling like it's being included and it's instead of you not including her it will be her work schedule getting in the way and i know it's the same thing and that's why you're not inviting her but then she you in her mind you are not responsible for that then right so i don't know i always do this though like i'm a big believer in like also because i like this in friendships where it's like if you know i'm not gonna want to go to something or i'm not gonna go to something like unless you already

unless you know i have other plans like you if you were doing something and you knew that like oh i have i don't know a shabbat at my nephew's school like something that i've told you that i'm doing and then you go you you have some plan or whatever that that i would never feel any type of way about but in general even if like someone has a trip or they're doing something and they're like oh i don't think you would want to go still invite me still invite because like it's it seems the way that you're going about it now it seems like that you're in you're planning things when you know she has to work and as opposed to including her in plant yeah and because i think like when she's not being privy or included in the plans sometimes it is just as easy as switching

to one day where everybody is off but if she's not included in those conversations you're never going to know that it can just be because she could be like actually i really wanted to do that i'll take the day off yes or like oh that sounds so fun i'm not gonna make it this time let's let's if can we put it on the head of the schedule like next month to do something around this time so i can request that day off like there's just a way to do it where without a doubt she probably feels like you are planning it intentionally that way and also when you when you have all kind of like gotten your friendship fill of like hanging out or like doing whatever or like these bigger plans and that kind of stuff people aren't making the secondary plans because you've already kind of

done this and i think like i'm sure there might be another person in the group who might feel somewhat similarly but like they've seen how the reaction to her feeling this way has come across that like there could be people making secondary medium-sized plans to do that kind of stuff so i think in general it never hurts to include somebody and then if she has a bad attitude about being included to things that like she's not always going to be able to attend or if you have like zero flexibility of shifting things if you have like flexibility shifting for other people's like when they're free but like not for her then it might just be like you don't really want to be friends there anymore and like that's also okay but i think you have to take some

culpability for recognizing that instead of just like you know intentionally such unintentionally not including her in things that eventually will lead you to like stop being friends because like her reaction is not fun but I also think like put yourself in her shoes a little bit that like sometimes we yeah sometimes we think that like everybody hates us and they don't want to invite us on purpose and that's not what's happening but like recognize that like we all have those irrational thoughts and there are things as friends that we can do to make it so our friends don't feel like that this for intervention sounds like a terrible idea yeah don't do that don't do that no no ever that yeah don't all right we're gonna take another break when we get back we'll

get into the next one This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales, using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most.

Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. When you're a mid-sized business, you need every competitive advantage you can get. Like an AI solution that works for you, not against you. SAP Grow is built with AI embedded at its core, working across every system. And it's ready to go from day one, so you can hit the ground running. Bring it with SAP Grow. AI Cloud ERP for any size business. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs?

What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. all right we're back and we'll get into the next one which is a voice memo i 21 have been with my boyfriend 23 for three years we recently went through a rough patch and broke up because i

felt like i was carrying all the mental burden and had to caretake he has undiagnosed adhd depression anxiety and used it as an excuse for things not getting done like cleaning his room I stayed over which I voiced was an issue or finding a new job because his current one barely pays enough to afford rent and bills. Other excuses include things are hard, the job market is bad, or going through depressive episodes. I also struggle heavily with severe depression and anxiety and fully get that life sucks but things still need to be done. He also has poor financial habits and doesn't show initiative to learn to budget. I've lent him money over the years which I shouldn't have because I didn't want to see him struggle and he has yet to fully pay me back

because of poor budgeting. Within the past few weeks, he responded poorly to me voicing my concerns like what I already mentioned, to stop calling me bro and needing space to not text 24-7, acted entitled to my time, and belittled the work I put into school. I am lucky my parents can financially support me while he has to work full-time. We discussed this two weeks ago and I felt like things weren't changing enough, so a week later we talked again and broke up. It seemed to be a wake-up call for him and he finally understood. He started to show a desire to improve and has been taking steps to do so. He promised I wouldn't have to deal with these things anymore but has made empty promises in the past. I believe he'll change but it might not be

enough. It shouldn't have taken us breaking up for him to recognize things were this bad but he's also adamant to show he'll improve like when I found out he cheated two and a half years ago and he showed me he changed and wouldn't do it again. However he could make the effort for a while then get comfortable and stop or something else could happen to repeat this cycle. The way he responded previously was disrespectful and showed that he wasn't really willing to change until we broke up. He asked for one last chance to show he'll truly change, but knows it is my decision. Some friends are telling me to leave, while some think three years in we should be able to work through this. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to give him another chance because

it has been three years and he seems serious this time. He puts up with all my weird quirks and I thought we were endgame. Another part knows I should leave, but this is my only serious relationship. I'm scared about being alone or starting over and getting rejected, which has happened in the past when people get too close. I don't want to have to re-explain myself, my trauma, or pass to other people. I wonder if there even is someone out there who could meet all these needs or if my expectations are too high because all relationships take work. I also don't know how to navigate the guilt from seeing and knowing he is hurting, saying he understands if I want to leave, having to tell people in my life it didn't work out and knowing he has to do the same. I know

you'll say dump him but how do I move on? I struggle so much with living day to day that I don't know if I have enough in me to start over and rebuild my life and this will only make that worse. I also have a strained relationship with my parents and making and keeping good close friends and not feeling isolated. I know I would benefit from therapy, but it's discouraging and hard to keep trying to find a therapist after going through more than five that didn't work out. I feel drained having to keep retelling my trauma. I'm also on antidepressants, which don't work that well. I'm sensitive, so please be gentle. You're 21. You're 21. Step one, you need a better antidepressant point blank like i always say that like medication can get you to the like

psychotherapy help like there are certain things that you have to be able to do like put the mental work in and right now you're like i don't have the bandwidth to do that we need to figure out how you know the bandwidth to do that first step to doing that is leaning on friends who are telling you to break up with him you need to cut the friends who are telling you that like this is okay to me them like that's those are not your friends that's like a very my step two was like get rid of those other friends because just because you're with somebody for three years and they're making you miserable that does not mean that you should stick with them because it's been three years time does not equate happiness no to me or your future happiness those are the kinds of friends who like

fuck your boyfriend when you say that he's treating you poorly that is like such a choice to make that's not being like there's a difference of being like hey i'm gonna let you make whatever decision you make and i'm gonna support you but being like no i know that you are finally done with this relationship but you should actually get back together with it that's someone who is like preying on your downfall but like i think that you need to you know lean on the friends who are like no dump him this is not you deserve better than this lean on those friends get on a better antidepressant try a different like do anything like that where it's like you can then have the energy and the capacity and be in the space where you can work on like you know moving

on and healing from this like long term and you know some medications you literally do just to get yourself out of a pit that you're in some things can just be added to your current regimen some things can be changed from that but like just finding that because if he wanted to change because to me like you're saying like he's got poor reaction poor communication all of that and you're like oh he like you know we moved on and he did so much better after the cheating thing i'm like doesn't sound like it because it doesn't he has not grown as a person and like not cheating on you after cheating on you is not growth because like the reason why he cheated is because of a him problem and if that him problem will factor into every other aspect of your relationship if he has

not grown from that healed from that and he has become a better and different person he's not okay don't even mean like a different person because it's like oh he doesn't cheat but like yeah but he still is disrespecting you in just different ways and so the financial ass all of these things you are so you are so so young and i think three years feels like a lifetime at this age but like you have so much more to your life and you have so much more of those things and like the feeling of like i don't know how i'm gonna retell all of this to somebody else whenever you don't have to right now you don't have to date anybody you don't have to share any of that and like when it comes like a therapist i have friends who've literally made powerpoint presentations who've literally

written every like wrote everything down and been like i don't want to go over this over and over and over again here is like the log line of like my stuff and this is like i want this jumping off place from this but i think right now your log line is a summary yes sorry everything yeah just like a summary of like all of it just to kind of get over the hump so it doesn't feel like everything is like the first time and like everything is starting from square one and I think like when you're saying that you've had a hard time not like keeping friends but like maintaining like longer for all of this I think you're really used to feeling like you have to start from square one and that feels like really out of your control and sometimes it is but you never have to start

from square one a people are not entitled to know everything about you you don't have to share everything with everyone but also like there are times where like you without a doubt will like right now you don't have the capacity to be like i don't know how to like share all this with a new person that i'm dating and deal with that because you're not ready to date yeah and that's okay but like you there will be a point where like you're okay talking about it you're okay sharing that with someone but it's this is not like a oh i don't think i could ever do that again that doesn't mean that like this person is your person it just means that like you are hurting from this right now and it is not the time for you to be dating and you said like i have i've

only been in one serious relationship because you're 21 and you've been with this guy since you were 18 like that makes sense that you've only been in one serious relationship that doesn't mean that he has to be your end game just because this is the only person that you've been with and you've only been in one serious relationship you're gonna date you're probably gonna get your heart broken two three four five ten more times but like you you keep dating around like it doesn't have to be just like i'm just gonna settle for this guy you're you're too you're you're better than that like also how is somebody working a full-time job and they need to borrow money from a student yeah where's his money going to that's not somebody that you want to build a relation

somebody that doesn't manage their money well that's not somebody you want to build a relationship with and also who actually was he borrowing money from you or your parents like how would i know that you say you don't have a good relationship with your parents but do they know that you're giving money to him a man that is a adult man that has a full-time job what is he spending his money on it's not your responsibility to take care of him to babysit him to babysit his emotions to babysit his finances to you know just deal with everything that he's putting on you yeah you do have to take responsibility for your own actions though in the situation but he's made you to feel like you are a burden because he knows that he is ultimately a burden and he has to make it feel

like this is a shared weight carried so therefore you're never going to date someone who doesn't have all these issues because he's making you feel like you have a ton of issues that he has to carry that weight of then that's like and so your insecurity about being like well how you know he puts up with and even he deals my weird quirks oh my god have you seen zoe de chanel like that's like wrong like there are people who like have been through so much shit or whatever but like the idea that you have to carry the weight of that tells me that he is making you deal with all of his baggage all of his shit he's not dealing with any of his own shit and he's trying to make it make you feel like he's the only one that's ever gonna understand you so like i can

change i can be better and um i will be who you want me to be when he's had three years to do that well and also like his whole thing of being like no one else is like i'm i'm the only one dealing with your shit you're not i'm loaning you money you're cheating on me you're treating me horribly like he's not like he's saying that he's the only one who's going to put up with this he's not putting up with it not that there's anything to put up like this idea that he's painting this image of him that you are this difficult person so therefore of course he has to react this way of course he's going to be this way and you're the he's the best you're ever going to do and it feels like that when you a have friends in your life who are also shitty fucking friends you start

to accept poor behavior you accept poor behavior from a lot of people as soon as there's one person you're accepting very shitty behavior from it makes it it makes it easier to accept bad behavior from everybody and i'm obviously a big believer in cutting those people off but like if you don't have the capacity to do that right now you need to pour into and like heavily lean on and be like very honest with the friends who are not being telling you that you should get back together with him like as like a as a just a friend like i would want to hear that i would want to hear that your other friends are saying this and i would want to be like you know lean on me i will we will get you through this this is this is such a temporary feeling and this feeling that you have

with him and like like melissa said that like you're so young that yes this is the worst heartbreak you've ever had because it's the only one you've ever had and like ultimately you can decide that this is the only heartbreak you'll ever have but this is the happiest you'll ever get to be you'll never get to be happier than this this is how sad and how miserable and happy you will be and you're committing to this before you've lived so much life experience to know that there are ways that there are like experiences out there that make you exponentially happier so like you could settle for this without a doubt but you are settling and accepting his behavior and it is not going it's not going to change because this is another thing that like is a hard pill to swallow

i believe that anybody and everybody can change they have to want to change and a lot of the time that happens is once people do actually change they have a hard time looking at the person that they fucked over so hard they have a hard time being that changed person for that for you you can go be the change person for some of the broad and also like he should want to change for himself not because you broke up with him yeah and that is a big red flag that he didn't want to even look at his issues until you were like done with him no and they'll get comfortable again he should feel embarrassed like yes yeah he should go away and make himself better and then come back and profusely apologize if that's what ends up happening but like i don't see that happening

because it never actually happens no you can go be good for somebody else because he is used to a relationship where you are always constantly taking care of him the relationship will never be the same no and like if he wants to show that he's changed he doesn't he doesn't get to get you back on the promise that that's going to happen and if he's so adamant on like no it has to be now it's because he has no intention of changing he has no intention of growing and if he really did care about this he would and also if he wanted if he cared about you he would not like how he has been treating you he would not like his actions towards treating you and he would want you to be with someone who treats you better but like he finds himself so deeply unlovable that he needs

you to feel just as unlovable as he is so you feel stuck with him and you're so not stuck with him and anyone who is telling you that this is something that you either deserve or you need to like put the work in and commit to are people who also really hate themselves and like that is something that like lots of people go through at different points in their lives and like you know if you're dealing with anxiety and depression and all of that like that is not an uncommon sort of feeling to have but the people that you need in your life are the people who are not validating those like horrible like self-hating thoughts they are people who are like this is temporary we're gonna get you out of this we're gonna get you working towards not feeling like this anymore

and again that's like a mix of professional help and then friends and like your friends can also be the ones to help you like drive you to an appointment like they can do that like you just have to get rid of that voice in his head your head that's his voice of telling you that like you're too much or you're difficult or whatever and give these people who really do care about you the opportunity to like show up for you because he's emotionally manipulating you and then you ask like how you move on you move on by learning who you are as a person you've got to take time you don't know who you are as an adult outside of this relationship you've got to take time to discover that be a college student go have part if you like to party go party if you

like to like hang out without him go do everything that you like to do figure out what it is you like to do because there are a ton of things that you probably don't know like I actually like this go join a bunch of clubs at school make new friends get rid of the ones that are giving you bad advice yeah and I you said that you don't have a great relationship with your parents and I I could be wrong but if I'm going to like put two and two together the only reason you have a relationship with them right now is because they're paying for your college if that is the case do not date until they are you are not finding they are they are not a part of your life financially because if you feel like you are accepting shitty behavior from them for something

else in return that is always going to be that's always going to be like a huge factor in your life and that's going to be something that like you can't really process and deal with that if the goal or the ultimate thing that you're like i'm going to sever ties with them but i have to kind of wait it out until this period that takes a toll on you like as you're doing it and so i don't think you need to be arguing with a boyfriend the same time that you already like your conflict cup is full it is fucking full and until you can get through to the end of that every other part of your life should be as conflict-free as possible like you should be having fun like most that you should be going to parties but you should be having fun with friends you should be doing all

this other stuff but just because you're dealing with one hard thing in your life doesn't mean that you should take on six other hard things like that's not your you get to you should be a kid you should be a teenager you should be in your early 20s and have fun with that stuff and there's no rush or time limit on any of this kind of stuff and like the ultimate thing at the end of the day is like the goal is working towards happiness and right now he is not working towards happiness for you. So go find your happiness. Yeah. And find the other people who want to help you find your happiness. Fuck those friends. All right. We're going to take a break and we'll get back. We'll get to the last one. When you're a mid-sized business, you need every competitive advantage

you can get. Like an AI solution that works for you, not against you. SAP Grow is built with AI embedded at its core working across every system and it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running bring it with sap grow ai cloud erp for any size business we are back and it's the last hi megan and melissa long time listener first time writer I'm reaching out for advice about eloping. This person is 27 she her. My partner and I met in college and have been together for 10 years. We decided to elope this October, something we've talked about for a long time. Most of my girlfriends either had or are planning traditional weddings, so I sometimes feel like the black sheep. I'm Hispanic and in my culture, weddings aren't

always a big deal, but starting a family usually is. That said, eloping has always felt right for us. Right now, only our efficient witnesses and our parents know. We plan to tell everyone else next year when we have a celebration to announce. My question is, how do I stay confident in our decision and not feel pressured to conform to traditional wedding expectations? I am a cuss horoscope Scorpio Sagittarius. I think you stay confident by reminding yourself that making a lifetime commitment with someone is between you and that person and not you and your friends well and it sounds like you're having a celebration like thing afterwards which to me is like enough of the quote-unquote like wedding planning aspect that like your family and friends

can relate to that because you know what i mean like that's but like your family is already like your parents know yeah who else needs to you said it's a traditional wedding but you said as part of your culture this is it's not a big deal so that is traditional for you are you on tiktok is this like are you ending like what are you seeing because like i will say as someone who's watched a lot of people get married um a lot of people are absolutely miserable and it is sunk cost fallacy and so they need everybody else they need to have justified their decision of like putting either putting themselves in debt putting themselves through so much like strain and stress in their interpersonal relationships because of a goddamn fucking wedding that they

then kind of need other people to validate that that was the right decision by also doing that and sometimes when you decide not to do that it's kind of the same thing as like which sounds extreme but like i honestly see a lot of similarities when someone's like oh i'm not drinking tonight and people are like wait what what do you like they feel deeply judged because they're second guessing their decisions or their own personal relationship or they think they're being judged whatever that is to me it's like is this coming from anyone in particular like or is this coming from seeing tiktoks of you know all of this wedding kind of content and stuff and to that i would say like block those hashtags don't look at it you already have to plan for

an elopement there are so many aspects that are similar in the sense of like you know you have to figure out an outfit doesn't have to be a dress doesn't have to be like a suit it can be whatever but like you shop for an outfit you figure that out and then you're having like a celebration and that stuff afterwards the idea that there's like a traditional way that you know friends and family and if your friends aren't saying anything like this I would say talk to them about it and a lot of them I'm sure would be like no I think you're totally spot on for a loping like nobody's ever nobody I know who's ever had a wedding was ever like wait you're not gonna have a wedding no one ever they like they were like oh my god yes like that sounds like such a good idea a lot

of people have weddings because it is more expected culturally and it is expected with like their family and stuff and like they're not really doing it wholeheartedly for themselves and if they are it's because they are like shitting solid gold bricks of money and they don't have to deal with the actual stress of it so i think you just need to surround yourself with like a conversation that is like affirming your choice and that can be like an eloping sub breaded it can be you know people who are like talking about like all the things that went wrong at their like quarter of a million dollar wedding on tiktok like you if you seek out that information like that is that is there and there's a lot of people who are just like have been so blindly

committed to just doing the wedding because they see everybody else doing that they kind of tune out the fact that like most of those people are not necessarily it's not necessarily what they would want to do at that point yeah i feel like it's you're getting pressure more so from your friends because they're planning their weddings already they're probably going to be thankful that they don't have another bachelorette party to go to i mean you could still do a bachelorette party if you wanted to or any kind of party but like they're probably going to be relieved that this is one thing that they don't have to think about if everybody else is already planning everything for their own stuff to do. One less thing to pay for. And they'll be there to celebrate

you. Anybody that is against you is not a real friend. Again, a wedding is supposed to be a joining of two people and it's just about them. And then everyone is there to celebrate them. no one should have any input on what you're doing no and if someone tries to make you feel bad for like not spending a ton of money and going through a ton of stress on that boil it down to like literally just that sentence that doesn't sound like someone who didn't experience any spending more money than they wanted and it doesn't sound like someone who didn't experience any stress that sounds like someone who like maybe made a choice that they don't really feel 100 sure on and that they have a lot of like jealousy and resentment towards people who who know themselves

better that they're like this isn't worth it for me that's like a hard thing for a lot of people to deal with yeah and i know that people that are calling into the show are calling because they have problems but um or issues that they want us to help talk through or advice but a lot of people that have called in or they're even offering like this is my don't blame them have said that people in their wedding photos they're no longer friends with anymore yeah it happens and like you know you've been together for 10 years I will say that like from the beginning of this has sounded like Monson I because we have talked about our anniversaries in October we're like if you know when we eventually get married it'll probably be in an October in a fall been together for like

coming up on 10 years and I also think there's something very different I have found as someone who has been together a lot longer than couples I know who are getting married like Monson I've been together longer than people i know who like started dating got married before us and there is something about like a wedding celebration like of that because and this isn't like a knock to anyone who has done that but there's like when you meet a little bit later in life depending on parents input sometimes parents really want you to have a big wedding so you start having a family immediately after because maybe you didn't they didn't they weren't confident you were going to meet someone in your whatever age bracket like late 20 early 20s or whatever it feels like it

was a little delayed from your family's perspective and they throw a hell of a lot of money at a wedding because they want you to have a kid really fucking quick like there's a lot of like strings that are tied to the people who are signing the checks for a wedding if it's not your own decision and your own choice and vast majority people who are having very expensive weddings it's because other people are financially contributing because they want to they want to show that and it could be a cultural aspect it can be you know whatever whatever part of that is but if it was never important to you it shouldn't suddenly become important to you personally or culturally yeah and don't look don't listen to anybody else's input you've told the most important people in

your life they're cool with it us and then their parents and yeah maybe don't even tell them it's after it's done i think that's how about that yeah then you have no one's input maybe you elope i've had friends i've had actually a lot of friends do this well they will elope and then throw a party that they invite people to and then it's like hey we got married already and then everybody's there to party and like to me that's like anybody who's like upset about someone eloping like you're doing it the best way possible like i don't really think we're ever gonna have a party and i'm like i like and people in general like well we want to be able to celebrate you like you're doing if we're friends then we're already celebrating you that's what

people that aren't real friends that's what i mean like if you're like well how am i gonna celebrate you i'm like well if we don't see each other we're actually not very good friends right so okay but yeah i i think you're making the right call and the the shift in like the oh should i be suddenly doing this this or this just remember those things come with massive price tags and like a lot of emotional turmoil and strife and it's tough decision making and also i will always say you don't always know the person you are going to be when you start planning a wedding yeah and if that's someone that you like so that's why i'm not doing it at all okay all right uh that's the end of our episode thank you so much for listening if you would like to participate

pay, you can do that by calling 310-694-0976. You can also send an email to meganpodcasts at gmail.com. Remember to keep everything to 300 words or less or three minutes or less if it's an audio file of any sort. Join us on Friday for Fisting Friday. Monday, we've got But Am I Wrong Tuesday. We've got See You Next Tuesday. Wednesday, listen to my audio drama. There's a link in the description and then on friday on thursday we'll be back for another episode of don't blame me you got anything to add megan absolutely nothing all right so goodbye this is a sister sign production hosted by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions. Post-production by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson.

And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.