Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Get The Results You Want w/ Logan Ury

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

Meghan and Melisa are joined by behavioral scientist turned dating coach and the author of the bestselling dating book "How to Not Die Alone," Logan Ury. They give advice on: Being disappointed in dating prospects on apps Meeting people in a new city Taking care of your partner's pet Reacquainting with your situationship Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Logan! https://www.loganury.com/ https://www.instagram.com/loganury https://twitter.com/loganury Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everyone and welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me and this is very exciting because we have a guest melissa how long has it been since we've had a guest that we didn't know oh yeah because we had candace and we had gave me but no someone we someone like a professional no offense to our our friends like professionals yes uh years literally years so we have logan yuri here and you are i mean your accolades are like you're like a dating expert dating coach and you also work with hinge can you like give us a little blurb to our audience so they can understand like how much more qualified you are than melissa and i yeah well first of all thank you for having me and glad to be an expert on the show. And maybe you'll maybe you'll have more guests in

the future if this goes well. So we'll see. So yeah, so I work at hinge as the director of relationship science. And I've been there for almost four years. And I do research into modern dating. And then I get to share stories of this is what's working. This is how people can date differently. So I really get to have my finger on the pulse of dating. And then I also wrote a book called how to not die alone, which is my research that I did before hinge about dating, changing your mindset using psychology to understand what's holding you back from finding love and then I also work one-on-one as a dating coach that's so interesting and you are like literally and I don't mean this in an inappropriate way like you are like the wet dream of our listeners

like the amount of people who are like dating apps like this shit fucking sucks this is so hard and I've been I'm like one of those unicorns who's like very lucky in that like I met my fiance at like he through work and we were friends and all of that and so like the only few dating app dates i went on were just for like shits and giggles and like laughs and this was funny and it was because i'm a leo and i was like oh my god i'm the bet they're like you're the coolest girl i've ever met i'm like of course i am like i just did it to keep my ego and so like giving advice on that i'm like i don't know you know like it's it's i i come from a a very different non-scientific approach to all of this yeah and i've been on dating apps and i haven't had

like they kind of scare me so i am very interested in what you have to say and yay i'm glad to be here and hope i can live up to your listeners wet dreams yeah no i promise you you will yeah yeah already that they heard your credentials and they said okay megan and melissa to make up their credentials and we're like yeah and what's it to you so to give everyone a low down uh this is an advice podcast if you're new here and we have listeners call in if you'd like to call in for an upcoming episode 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send an audio message to meganpodcasts at gmail.com we also now take write-in submissions you can send the same email or to our instagram dms keep it under 300 words keep the audio messages and voicemails under

or three minutes explain everything and we will do our best and we did give logan the precursor ahead of time that uh some people say that they're sensitive so let us know if you're sensitive and also if you're not sensitive then we're going to go in with our true authentic uh instant reaction of usually some tough love and hopefully we'll we'll help people's lives and don't worry because if we don't it's in the title don't blame me and now it's don't blame all of us so they can't be mad at us if we don't make it if it doesn't work for them we like to clarify that so and be 18 or over oh yeah or have your parents permission and then also if you'd like include your pronouns yeah also include your age include your age because we always the advice definitely depends

yeah i think that's so smart so what's our first one melissa is it we have a call or write in it's a call here we go hi megan and melissa and guest i am 27 years old and calling for advice on dating and getting into long-term relationships. So I've really been in a long-term relationship. I've, you know, done the whole casual sex and hookups and things like that. But I've never had a serious partner or long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. And honestly, my mom has told me that she's worried that I'm not going to end up with anyone. I'm not finding anyone. I might end up alone.

I mean, she hasn't said that, but, you know, she's kind of said that. I'm the youngest in my family, I'm the only girl, and my brothers have all been successful in dating and having long-term relationships and partners. And I also feel like, as a woman, if you're a decently put-together and driven, genuinely kind, straight guy, it's really not that hard to find a girlfriend. But, you know, I'm pretty fulfilled in my life. I'm in a PhD program, and I always say to my parents, like, oh, like, that's what you're going to see. like that's the first thing you're going to see from me is my degree like that is my child and everything else will come after that but I just haven't had luck on dating apps because I can't get past the first or second date or even out of like the chats that are in the apps and I don't

know like I'm being self-conscious but I feel like a lot of the guys that we have gone out on dates with or met out at bars are kind of turned off or don't really know what to do with themselves when I say like oh where I went to school or that I pursue an advanced degree and I don't know if you have any pointers on how to get past the chat slash casual dating part of dating apps because I honestly just find it exhausting and overwhelming going on dates all the time and getting cute and you know putting my best foot out there and with my best foot forward and keeping good conversation and I just get kind of disappointed in all the prospects that are out there and I'm also exploring dating women. I just think that it's hard that I don't have a long-term relationship as a point

of preference at all with anyone. And at my age, I feel like a lot of people have had lots of dating experience. So I'm just self-conscious about that. And I could use some advice on how to do that. You know, thank you. Bye. Oh, also I love the show and yeah, sorry. Bye. Okay. So let's just talk about her situation. So first of all, she sounded really burned out. She just sounded like she was having a hard time. And so I think just acknowledging that from the beginning that dating is really hard. It's hard to keep a positive mindset when you're not getting the results you want. And I think a lot of people go through a cycle of, you know, download the app, date a lot, get burned out, delete the app, and then go through it again. And I think that's just really

hard for people and they don't necessarily see results with that. And so then with her, you know, I would also say like, should she take a break? Has she taken a break? Like just kind of starting from like a mindset perspective of how can she get in the best mindset for dating? Because I think where she's from, right, where she's coming from right now, it's really hard and it's hard to connect with people when you're feeling this way. The next thing I would do, I'm just going to go through some of the basics is of course, like having the best profile possible. I think we all know that. But then even when I was with some Hinge employees last week, and like, there's this girl that I work with, she's beautiful, she has an amazing personality. And we're talking about

some of her success and struggles on dating apps. When I looked at her profile, I was like, this could be so much better. And you work at Hinge. And so I think like, we all know that we should have a good profile. But I think that there's a lot of work that people can do there. So for example, it's so clear, and I think people know this, but really thinking about the story that your pictures tell and so for example if you only have pictures from your photo shoot with your dog like we know that you have a dog but we don't really know other things about you and so how can you use your profile to tell a story how can you respond to your prompts in a way that will start a conversation with people and so the first thing that I would do for her is think about what kind

of conversations is her profile starting could she have a better profile that represents this new version of herself and really do that then in terms of chatting I often find that women complain about who their matches are, but that they are not proactively going after what they want. So it's kind of like if you wanted a dream job, but you didn't tell anyone about it, you just waited to see if recruiters messaged you on LinkedIn. And then you were like, there's no good jobs there. It's like, well, you also have to reach out. And so I would encourage her to reach out to men and women and see who she's interested in and put herself out there and send a comment instead of just a like. And then in terms of chatting, really getting off the app as

quickly as possible. Hinge isn't really meant for you to be there to have these weeks and months long conversation. It's like meet the person, use it as a matchmaker, get to texting, get to a phone call, get to a video call, get to a date. Really just thinking about it as like this is how we meet and then let's have an IRL conversation or let's at least have a video chat. So trying to do that faster and so she can send messages like, hey, I don't love texting on the app. Here's my number or I'm going to this event on Thursday. Do you want to meet? Really pushing so that she's getting to those in-person meetings sooner because nobody loves that chatting period and if they do then they're just looking for a pen pal so I'd encourage her to really be bold and if somebody

gets turned off by that then maybe they didn't want to meet up in the first place anyway and then in terms of first dates I would really have her think about what is she doing on these dates is she going on walks where there's no chemistry there's nothing romantic about it it feels like a friend date switch it up like I think that coffee dates are really boring it feels very corporate. It feels like networking. Of course, you're not going to feel the spark when you're just sitting across from somebody talking about, you know, how many siblings you have. And so really thinking about what side of herself does she want to bring to these dates? How can they be more fun? Is there an event that she wants to go to anyway that she can make her date come to

with her? And then even if they don't have a great connection, at least she had fun. Really just kind of auditing those stages of the profile, the messaging, the first date, the after the first date, the second date, and really saying, what are all the places where I can try something different? I think that will give her a better chance at connecting with someone. And she will just have more fun. Like, I feel like she's not having fun right now. She's getting a lot of negative messages. Will I end up alone? And I want her to feel like dating is part of her life and something that she can do in a sustainable way. I love that. And I, I feel very validated because for me, when I was on dating apps, like the whole thing, I was like, I was personality

heavy first like the whole thing is i'm like i don't want to be messaging these people forever and talking so like if i am being so coming on not like i'm not coming on strong but like i'm being so very me like i'm not watering my personality down it i can tell within the first response to a message like that if i'm like okay you don't get me and then i'm like moving on okay someone else like okay you don't get me but kind of holding back on your personality or like who you really are waiting till you do that in person it can be hard because you feel like well i want to get to know them a little better first to decide if i want to do this like but unless you're being like fully yourself you're not actually getting to know them better in these messages

like you're just pinging back and forth and so i think like the band like i always reference love island but like they're all about the bandhood i'm like if you can give your personality that very quickly like the most important thing to me was humor and so i'm like if someone like i find someone funny in response to me and they find me funny and that's a four message exchange maximum them then let's meet up but like great doing that that's it's it's otherwise right it's like it's just pen pals yeah totally i agree with that too because like i've said this before like i'm an experience like you got to experience me in person i just need to make sure that you're not like a weirdo in the text message enough to get me you know on the date but like if we you know you still

want to keep vetting people once you meet them but i want to meet somebody in or i want to get to know somebody more in person, not through messaging and stuff. There's some good research on that, what you just said, Melissa, where basically it's like there's these different types of goods. They're called like searchable goods and experiential goods. So searchable goods would be like buying a camera, buying Bluetooth headphones, buying a keyboard. It's like there's this thing you can look at the technical specifications, you can look

at the weight and the battery life and this and that, and you can search for it. And it's like stuff you buy on Amazon. And then there's things like movies and wine where I'm going to have a different experience than you. And I need to taste the wine to know if I like it. And you may like it and I may not. And we treat people like searchable goods. Oh, what's their height? What's their level of education?

And we think that they're that way, but they're actually experiential goods. And so I think what you said is spot on, which is you know that you're an experience. And so you need to get that person in front of you as quickly as possible so that they can see, is this the experience that they like? Yes. As opposed to somebody thinking, oh, well, I know who she's going to be because I know all these things about her. It's like, no, you don't know what the experience of being with her will be like. Yeah. And sometimes like the experience of I've had where you have a list of what you want in somebody else and then you experience it in real life.

Like I was like, I want to date a guy who's like over 6'4 because I'm like, I lie about my height all the time, but I'm like tall. um and yeah i'm also an actor so like you know you gotta lie about your height because that male actors are short um and so i was like i want to date a guy who like is over something like over like six four and like i want him to work in finance i have no idea where that came from and the funniest thing is like my fiance like now works in finance but like didn't before and i met up with this guy we want to date and like it was the best date he's ever been on it was not the best date i've ever been on like he was like you are so interested and so cool and i was like oh wow i realize now that like the how tall you are and what your job is like that is like the

experience of dating you and like this i'm like i'm not having any fucking fun and like this is not this is not like but so pursuing the things that you think are important to you makes you realize like oh that actually might not be that important to me but you're right if you don't message those people then you you'll never know and you start building those things up in your head and then it's like oh it's a me problem it's like actually it could be a them problem but you just like haven't met them yet i have a chapter in my book called you think you know what you want but you're wrong it's basically exactly that it's like i have so many clients that come in and they're like logan i know exactly what i want i want a five seven skinny redhead i just need your

help finding them i'm like first of all gross second of all no terrifying that's that's not what our work is going to be together it's going to be figuring out who have you dated in the past what side of you did they bring out why didn't it work out oh it turns out you've dated some people like that and it didn't work out like clearly the answer isn't just finding that exact person it's really you understanding who you are what you want what you're bringing to the table all these different dimensions so when people are too convinced that they know their type I am skeptical and I actually feel like when my clients have success is when they're like so I met this guy but he's not really my type and I'm like ding ding ding like this is when

it's going to work because you are going outside of the type that actually hasn't been serving you Yeah. Can I ask you like what you think are aside from like events and stuff that you're already going to like what you would suggest as like better first date options or like even more unique first date options for people? Yeah. So a big thing that we've been researching at Hinge for the last few years is the rise of sober dating. And I'm really excited about it. I think that Gen Z, well, I know that from the research that Gen Z is leading the charge and they're like, first of all, I want to meet you, not you on two cocktails. I don't want to have anxiety the next day. And they feel like they just want to date in this different way. So like dry dates in general are things that I'm a fan of. And so whether it's going to a comedy show, having a picnic, like going to an art supply store and like getting a couple things and like doing a little art project. Like I know sometimes people are like, that's more of a second or third date. Like that's a lot of that's effort. What if I don't like them at all? So people should do things that are feel approachable to them.

But I think the point is you don't need alcohol, but you also want it to be more than a networking meeting. And so when I have clients that are like, oh, I met the guy at 7 a.m. before my work meeting. I'm like, no one feels sexy at that time. You're not going to have a romantic connection before you've had coffee at 7 a.m. And so just understanding that the environment in which you meet has a huge impact on how you feel and design it environment that is actually going to create connection and have a sense of romance and sex appeal and just really switch things up. So like our first caller, she needs a little reset. And so what are some fun things that she can do to make her city feel more exciting and to make herself feel more more interested in dating? I love that.

Do you have anything to say to women that feel like that they're super successful and then people don't see them like as someone to like go after to date? Yeah, I think that's really common. I definitely hear that a lot. If I had to think about the breakdown of my clients, I would say like a subset of my clients are super successful women who are like everything in life I've gotten because I've tried really hard. I wanted this job.

I went after it. I wanted to run this marathon. I went after it. I have my financial future all figured out, but dating is this one piece that doesn't work like that. And I think I'm that sort of type A woman too. And I went to a dating coach and I had the same experience where it's like, why can't I effort my way through this?

And I think that's what's just so hard about dating is that it is this kind of separate thing in which you can try really, really hard, but that's not always going to work out because it's not an exact science of like this effort equals this result. There's like an alchemy of love that's going on and it's beautiful, but it's also frustrating. So I would just say, first of all, I think that experience is very real. I hear about it a lot. I hear about women who are like, you know, if a guy has a great high power job, then he's honored for it. But if a woman does, then it's just seen as like a distraction or she won't be as present of a mom. And so I think this is just like a real thing that people are experiencing.

That being said, I have a lot of friends in this category and clients in this category who have found great people who are like, heck, yeah, like, let's be a power couple. I love your ambition. I feel inspired. You're making me a better person. And so I'd say the challenge is real. But when you do find the right person, they are going to honor you for that and really admire you for it.

And it won't be something that you have to hide. You should never be hiding your light. Yeah, I agree with that. someone once told me that like i like when i was single i was like i don't get necessarily approached by the people i would like like to get uh approached by and um one of my guy friends at the time had told me he's like no if you're if i'm like a straight guy going like into a bar and or i like see this girl and i see and it seems like she has everything together i'm gonna assume that she's in a relationship like i'm gonna assume this kind of stuff about someone and so

thinking that like kind of waiting around for it to happen or being like well if they were interested they would pursue me but like sometimes when you do have it all like forward facing really outwardly you have it all together people assume that means that there's also a relationship component in there and so i think like making the first move and like being vulnerable there i think is really disarming for people who might build someone up in their head and there's a lot of people who aren't intimidated by that but it's it's not that they are intimidated by it they just assume like oh i just assume you would have been in in a relationship like how would i know i assume you wouldn't be interested in me. And so there's a lot of insecurity in that, too, that I think

that like, you know, it's good to and that's why I always liked dating apps in the sense that I would be much more forward on a dating app than I would be in real life. And it's like a great way to kind of practice that skill. I think that's really smart and great advice. And I think not enough people do it. Going back to what I said about LinkedIn, it's like, oh, well, nobody messaged me on LinkedIn with my dream job. It's like, no, people that have their dream jobs created that job. They went after it. They did work for free. They got mentors. They studied at the library on the weekends, whatever it is, there was an effort. And so I think if the only people that you're looking at are the people that are messaging you, then you're missing out. And so,

yes, like I think that your point that you may be coming across as intimidating, even if it feels unfair, let's just own it. Yes, you probably are intimidating. And somebody either thinks you're in a relationship or that you're too good for them or that you're so busy. How would you have time for them the way to override that would be to show them that you're interested yeah that was great i love that get your phd girl and you're getting into a relationship too like most people in phd programs they like settle down later and like you know it's like yeah that's true 27 i'm not worried about her no i'm not worried about anyone but i'm not worried about 27 i think that we all compare ourselves to the people around us but she's pursuing a education line that takes a

long time she'll be fine yeah only thing i'll say to her is don't date like a 45 year olds because like that's just some some some people be like just you gotta you gotta date someone older and then i'm like as i always say if you're gonna date them older they should be very old very close to death and you should be in the will that's how you should get it hot take from megan yeah there you go said it before i'll say it again all right let's take a break and we're back for a break and we're getting to the rest of the advice all right the next one to write in. Hi, Megan, Melissa and guests. I'm 22 she her and need advice with first messages slash getting dates from dating apps. I moved to a new city in September and I've been wanting to

meet new people and go on dates with the aim of getting into a relationship. I've been using hinge because I heard it's better for finding guys who are looking for something more than just a hookup. However, the people I match with don't often message first. And if they do, the conversation goes on too long before they initiate a date and I get bored and stop responding lol do you have any advice for sending the first message as a girl to a guy or sparking date requests i have a prompt on hinge saying the way to win me over is taking me on a date is that too specific or am i just matching with the wrong guys i also recently found out my long-term ex from my hometown that i dated from ages 15 to 21 just proposed to his new girlfriend who he's been

dating for for less than a year and they started dating less than a month after we broke up any advice for not letting this consume my thoughts i'm not having a sad emotional response but i was super shocked that he was obsessed with the idea of proposing to me less than a year ago like how can someone move on that fast i worry that i will never connect with someone in the same way thank you so much love the podcast oh that's tough i would be so bitter and so mad yeah those dates are hard so she was dating a guy he was ready to propose to her then they broke up then he started dating another person within a month and then now he's engaged to her and they've been dating

less than a year. Yeah, I think that is a challenging timeline. Yeah. It's interesting that she said she's not sad about it. She's more like, how could this be?

Yeah. How could he move on? Yeah. Well, I think like that's like the hard thing of when you've been dating. Like we talk about in the podcast a lot

like dating through like you're growing up like your formidable years of like when you go from dating in multiple venues like high school to then college or out of college.

Like so someone becomes kind of like a barnacle of a time in your life. they become attached that you associate with them with that and so i think like moving on from that and realizing that it can feel like maybe that connection wasn't reciprocated in the exact same way but some people they can bounce to things without it meaning that how they felt for you is totally gone but to me this sounds like someone who really wanted to get married and that was the yeah the goal you didn't want to so they moved on and found somebody that did

yeah if i'm thinking about the connection between the first two callers i think one thing is that idea of comparison is the thief of joy so the first caller is 27 and they're like everyone else is having these experiences and I'm not am I behind and the second one I don't get the impression that she wishes she was with this guy she's just like should I be somewhere else or like because he's moved on and he has a fiance now am I behind and so I think so many people just have this experience of feeling like they're behind but she never said I want to be with him I wish we were still together she's just like am i am i late to the game yeah so so moving to a new to move to a new city and wants like meet more people so one of the things like i get so do do we have

any advice for sending the first message as a girl or sparking date requests i think the date requests you gave initially were good but like what messages do you think yeah work well as a first message for openers sure yeah let me give a few ideas there so first of all i think moving to a new city is challenging because you don't have that like built-in crew but it's also an excuse to get out there and meet new people. And I feel like if you go to an event, you can just say, oh, hey, I'm new. Like this event is great. Like where else should I go? Or it's just an excuse to introduce yourself to people. And I think there's this concept in psychology called the fresh start effect. So basically beginning of the year, beginning of the month, beginning of a

new season, when you move, it's a chance to make new habits. And it's a time when people can change because in general, behavior change is pretty hard. So she should take advantage of the fresh start effect. I have this concept in my book called the events decision matrix, which is basically figuring out what are the events that you should go to to meet new people. And so basically what you do is I'll try to visualize it for listeners. So basically there's a vertical line and a horizontal line. And for the vertical line, you say, what is the likelihood that I'll interact with people at this event? So things that are really interactive would be things like why like a book club that's one that like my clients have met a lot of people at it's like

you go to the book club you've all read the same book or hopefully you've read it and you're going to talk about the book club you're going to talk about it a really non-interactive one would be like a horror movie marathon where like maybe you all have horror movies but you're not going to talk to anyone there and on the other line you say what's the likelihood that i'm going to like this event from something that you're not interested at all something that you really like and so you want to find stuff in the upper right hand quadrant that's kind of the the golden space which is high likelihood I'm going to talk to someone and high likelihood I'll like the event. And so if you prioritize events there, then even if you don't meet someone, you still had a good

time because it's an activity you liked and you know that it's the type of thing where people meet. And so she should look at meetup or Facebook events or, you know, local art things, whatever she's into and see what are local events that fall in that upper right-hand quadrant for me. And she should really go to those. In terms of the apps, it sounds like she's kind of trying to figure out where she falls in terms of how proactive to be. And I would say be extremely proactive. All the data supports this. So it's like men are happy when somebody messages them and happy for somebody else to make the first move. It doesn't make them value the person less. And to be honest, someone who you really are interested in, other people are interested in

too. So you can stand out by making the first move. We did really cool research on Hinge where we thought, when should people say that they're looking for a long-term relationship, right? people ask me this all the time on my profile first date when we message um second date i don't want to come on too strong but i don't want to waste my time and so we did this experiment where we had different profiles and we showed them to 12 000 people and sometimes the profile would say i'm looking for a long-term relationship and sometimes they would say i'm looking for you know someone kind and adventurous like something more vague and what we found is that if you stay on your profile you're looking for a long-term relationship, people who are also looking for that

are 10% more likely to send you a message. So amazing, you're hearing more from the people you want to hear from. But perhaps even better, someone who wasn't looking for that is 17% less likely to send you a message. So those fuckboys that are going to waste your time are not messaging you. So you're turning the right people on and the wrong people off. And so the application to her is that she should put what she wants on her profile but she should also be really bold about you know the key to my heart is taking me on a date but then she should add a hook so she could say you know extra credit if it's sushi or extra credit if you take me on a hike I've never done before like something that's a little more specific and playful and I love for every prompt to have that

kind of hook in it where it's like if I wanted to message you it's so easy for me to know what to message you because you've asked me a question that i can then respond to yeah i i feel so validated in some of the advice we've given over the years on the show because like i said the same thing to like on the podcast and off the podcast to friends about like who are like i don't want to like say that i'm looking for relationship i don't want to come on too strong and i was like you're ruling out all of the people that are going to break your heart and you are inviting all the people in who you're actually trying to pursue something with like you're just whittling down the pool to exactly who you're looking for like this is not going to affect

you negatively at all and also like i would say about the prompt i think like incorporating the fact that she's in a new city like i think that could be really fun like if you have like a specific interest whether it is like you love bagels you love sushi or something it's like the way to my heart is taking me to your favorite this spot like because i'm new to the city like or something like in the profile which explains that because there is nothing that specifically straight men love more than introducing the women they're interested in into things of being like oh my god like people are so fucking passionate about like i mean it's la here so like people are so passionate about who has the best tacos people are so passionate about like who is the

best of this and that is like sharing something that you love with someone else who's like open and predisposed to like want to love it too i think is like such a good way to make a connection and it's also like i don't know like i think like one of the subtle ways is like i love to see in my friends or people who they're dating like the person who is showing someone something cool them looking at their reaction and they're getting so happy that the person that they're taking is like happy there so like it's um you know I don't think it comes across in like the kind of like weird flexi like I'm gonna show you that and I'm like better it's it's people like sharing those things and it's like a point of connection and yeah I think being I think she should I think I

agree with you like be even more specific in the prompt because that's like I always found like the funniest, the best ways I would respond is like if someone gives you a profile or I'm like, no one has anything to say. They're going to sit there and like think and try and be so creative and respond to something as opposed to making it open the door for them, like make it easier to start. That's exactly that's exactly what I think. So like my phrasing around that is that people think a profile is a monologue. I'm just monologuing at you, but it should actually be a dialogue. It should be the opening line that creates the conversation. So saying I'm new to LA. I've heard the best tacos are at blank. Prove me wrong. Like so many people would be excited

about that. Like show the hot take, have somebody be like, absolutely not. And I must rectify this immediately. Like that's, that's engagement. That's people being excited to talk to you. I love your point about people have pride in their city and she should lean into that. I think those are really good points. And so everyone listening should audit their profiles and say, am I giving people a layup? Is this an opening line that somebody can respond to? Am I making it easy for somebody to reach out? And second, they should be reaching out to other people as well. Yeah. Because it's like Facebook marketplace. Like you want that really cute bed. Everyone else wants that bed too. Like you better message. Like you better, you can't just like sit around

and wait for that to happen. I wholeheartedly agree with all that. I think people forget that because if you're at a party and there's a hot person and everyone's talking to them you have the visualization that you're competing against other people i think sometimes on an app we can forget that and i'm not trying to emphasize this point of competition or make people feel bad but it's like when something is desirable other people desire it too and go after what you want yeah yeah yeah and i think that touches on how the writer said that you know their matches don't message first you can message them there's nothing wrong with doing that and then also the conversation goes on too long before they initiate the date you can initiate the date

you don't have to wait for somebody else yeah maybe that's the headline for this person is go after what you want you'll get the results you want yeah all right next one hi megan and melissa i hope you guys are well so i 26 she her lived with my partner four and a half years 30 say them we've been living together for about a year and a half it's been really wonderful we've had a few challenges with division of labor within the house but overall everything's really good they share lives within their dog they adopted this dog a little over two years ago and we have had beef from the start me and the dog um the dog i'll call her rose is a rescue she's a large medium 75 pound shepherd hound mix so very fucking anxious my partner's never had a dog before

Rose is a very challenging dog like she you know has had issues with ripping things up specifically my things like now it's just in my things my favorite clothes she's not great with new people we can't really have old people over you know make I have PTSD and she's from like family and childhood stuff and she makes it a lot worse and though we've had training for her this dog also has been returned like she a couple had her for eight months and then she was returned which wild and fucked up like but she is just really I have had months where it's been like unbearable but months where I guess continue to bear it and right now is a period where though she ripped up some very expensive pillows I got I just I don't know what to do my partner is

like saying that they take responsibility for her and they care for her and they do in some things but like I've paid thousands of dollars in medical bills when she accidentally broke out of her crate and that they haven't been able to pay me back because they don't have a lot of money and I have like bought her toys and food and spent time with her and when my partner sprained their ankle last Halloween I walked her for like a month and a half straight and it's just I'm exhausted and I I really don't know what to do. I know my partner loves this dog. Oh, sorry, we also have a cat.

I love him. He's only three. I've had him since he was a baby baby. And the dog kind of antagonizes the cat. Rose, the dog, she just is not great. And I'm worried she's going to hurt him accidentally. There's been some close calls. I just need advice on how to talk to my partner again.

We've talked about we're home with her if that's necessary. i really don't want it to be but i also think she might be happier somewhere else we're in a city one bedroom i feel like she'd do better elsewhere but i'm kind of just i don't know what to do because things are technically fine thank you so much please any advice would be really really helpful love you guys oh my goodness we've had like a couple of calls where it's like dogs like can break relationships like they really really can so i yeah it's it's like when you're you have when your partner has an animal you're also dating that animal same like if you if they have like a child like that child is also a part of your life and you have to take them into

consideration yeah i mean i do think this boils down to like a division of labor issue because like for a partner to be like oh no i i take care of the the dog and it's like i live with the dog so like therefore and like i am not like a heartless wench so like i feed the dog like there are things like that where it becomes like if you live together you're not you can't have a separate it like that can't you every issue will be a joint issue whether like you're having a problem at work like that will affect like you can't leave it all at the door like there is like things like when you live together like you're enduring life together and so i mean i guess like i don't even like the context of like how you phrase something to get someone to like

understand it differently because like i think when you have the same we've said this before but when you have the same argument over and over and over again or the same like contextual point like you as the person who are trying to get your point across like you just you're you're caring you're doing all the labor like you're having to like reword or rephrase or come up with different ways to try and get someone to get to the point where you're at and it's like not the most direct way but i mean my automatic go-to at that point is i'm like if you had the same i think if you've had the same argument for like months and like things have not changed and like you're getting more and more frustrated and building more and more resentment i'm like that's like

therapy or breakup but like that's i'm also extreme so like what what would you say to like a client if they were like dealing with like this stage this one's hard and i'm like oh my gosh am I just not a dog person. Like I just, I'm so annoyed on their behalf. And like, I did grow up with a dog, but it's been a while since I've had one. So I feel like I'm just, I miss that part of like, it's just been a minute since I've had a pet that I have that feeling about. So just as a third party listening, I'm like, this sounds terrible. Like it's expensive. It's hurting your social life. You're resenting your partner. This animal is like destroying your property. Like this seems really frustrating. And so just, I have a lot of compassion for the person. And I think

she's actually being even more empathetic than the average person would be like people like how long has it been a year like I think other people would have been like it's me or the dog a long time ago so first of all she's shown a lot of patience and empathy I think yeah what are the things that I would talk to her about I think I would talk to her about the acute problem like what's happening with the dog now and then also the larger situation of like is this the kind of person that you want to be with and not to be so dramatic to say you should break up over a dog but okay acute problem first. So is it sustainable to have this dog long-term? Other people have said that this dog was really challenging. Are there other people that are better suited to deal with this type

of rescue? Does your partner understand how you feel about it? What changes have they made? Are they planning to pay you back for those expensive vet bills? I would just want to understand like what's happening in the dynamic now and can we make this better for you soon? Because it doesn't sound like this is a good living situation. And in the bigger picture, I'd be like, is your partner responsible do you feel like they take on responsibilities that they actually can't manage and then you have to do that what is the division of labor in your relationship do things feel equitable do you feel heard do you feel like this is your partner who can help you solve problems or are you the problem solver and they're the problem creator is this a symbol of

something bigger going on and so let's make sure that you feel comfortable in your home but let's also make sure this is the right relationship for you yeah i agree with that wholeheartedly because i think like i always say that like one person can have a problem and the other person cannot have a problem at all but the other part person having a problem that you should have a problem with that like you shouldn't you shouldn't just be like well that's fine if like i'm cool with it and it's like well i'm not cool with it and it's like so therefore you should not be cool with it because you care about me and you want this so like i i agree in the sense of like what are you doing as a part like what's your partner doing to change this because this is you can't

continue on like this and even if they can you can't and so then like I agree for me it would have I a long time ago probably would have and I also I didn't have great pets growing up and so I do think I have like a way shorter fuse with this kind of stuff and like I wouldn't date someone who I wouldn't have done this but yeah I think that like the responsibility aspect of it like it also just becomes like it goes from being like annoying to being unsexy to being repulsive and like it translates into like how you feel about your partner it goes from being like i'm annoyed by you to being like i don't find you sexy right now and then you're like i'm repulsed by the like the side of you and the thought of you and that becomes like a you can't come back from that

relationship wise i don't think yeah and also this is a lot of dog to have in a one bedroom apartment with two people and a cat like that maybe the dog just isn't happy being in that small space too and they need some place where they can like run around and that may be why that why they're acting out yeah yeah it's almost like the caller needs permission to say this isn't working but is scared because the other partner really loves the dog but it's okay to say this isn't the best environment for the dog or us yeah and if there's no solution if you if you can't find something of like well what can we do to change this what can we do to work on this like if there are no other like then that is that is rehoming the the dog like that it becomes like

there's very rarely if both parties are putting forth all of their effort to find a solution or find a next step or something to try eventually like you will run out of things like there isn't like a surprise thing that like will just like pop up one day like if you're actively searching for those things like eventually like you do run out of you do run out of options like there it's not limitless and it sucks that it's not the one that you maybe ideally want to do but like yeah it's probably it might be the best one for the relationship and for the dog but I also think that like your partner should take some responsibility for trying to work on the problem and you should take a back seat to that because I think it shows I think it shows the

partner's character about they don't want to they don't want to watch you be miserable and they want to be proactively trying to get this situation to be something that you're both enjoying yeah I think your point that if i have a problem you also should have that problem is really smart and maybe the caller is not implying that maybe it's kind of like so i have an issue with the dog but my partner loves the dog it's like no we have an issue with the dog yes yeah wholeheartedly well best of luck i would have been out so long ago also big dogs scare the shit out of me so i would have been i've been cowering in a corner all right we're gonna take another break we're back from our break and we're gonna get into the final one

hi megan hi melissa i'm a long-time listener and first-time caller because i'm finally of age and get the call in and ask for your advice i want to know if i should reach out to my situation ship now that he's back from rehab and his parents house this boy um let's call him fred was introduced to me by another guy who i went to high school with we'll call him scooby way back in the we talked for about a night before and i found out that fred has bpd and autism so on our first day i took him hiking on a trail so that he could feel more comfortable and not too overstimulated it was essentially a blind date so he wanted to meet up with scooby afterwards and that's where shared our first kiss you guys can call me shaggy in the story so this night was the night that

fred sent shaggy some photos were pretty close to news but weren't totally dudes he wasn't hard but he wasn't not hard if you know what i mean we kept talking and i found that a lot of our conversations would lead into a very sexual vibe which isn't boring in the gay community especially early on in the relationship by our second date it was a movie night at his place i was pretty much expecting us to have sex he was transparent that this would be his first time with a guy so it made sense that when i got there all he wanted to do was watch white chicks and nothing much more i'm talking not even hold hands meanwhile i was hard the entire time because this guy is just not good looking the one thing i haven't shared is that fred was going through some withdrawal from some

substances that he was using earlier on that year and so he'd be checking into a rehab for the next eight weeks he wanted for the next eight weeks for us to try long distance only being able to talk after 7 p.m when he was allowed to use his phone and i agreed it was fun at first because we talk about the sexuality and things that we've gotten up to but after literally about a week of that things started dying down and we'd have nothing to talk about except each other's day things were very different from the atmosphere that we built before and it was impossible to relate to him certain memes and moments that we shared between the first and second day were things that made us laugh and get along but beyond that things were just dry the last conversation

that we had was a very serious one and it made me realize that despite the fact that we were so similar in the way that we lived life we had very different views on topics like kids government substances and religion i dropped him because he was dry and we just didn't click i think back i remember he used to say that he was a really nervous person and that it'd take a minute for him to get outside his comfort zone this makes me feel like i was quick to judge him and that i should have tried getting closer with him for a bit longer had i shaggy been a little bit more patient maybe the conversations that were difficult early on would have gotten easier and fred would have been less nervous and more easygoing like scooby knew him to be he told me

that after rehab he would settle back at his apartment but we were sharing each other's land locations for a while before he took me off and i saw that he was at his parents house on snapchat that was a couple days ago but i recently looked on his story and i saw that he was back in crystal cove at his apartment we still have each other on snapchat but he's made another ig account which scooby follows but i don't i don't know should i reach out should i apologize for not being more patience and seeing what kind of time you can turn out to be i want to try again please let me know melissa megan i'm dying here i mean i'm exhausted i do love the idea of like having a movie night where one person is just like intently watching white chicks the other person is just

like totally hard i'm like i just especially like at certain parts of white chicks like not sex like it's just like that's so fucking funny to me for me what sticks out here is like at the very end you like kind of throw and it's like oh yeah we had like this one conversation where I was like I guess we're like not really lined on like politics government like drugs or like religion or kids and I'm like cool I like I clocked you trying to like just slide that in there at the end and so like so that I think is this to me like point blank this to me is horny and lazy like you are horny and lazy and just like find someone else like this is just it's not it's not it but like we've all done that where you like you circle back to someone you've

like had feelings for before because like you already you kind of know what you're in for and you like know what to expect but I think that no matter how nervous someone is like having like fundamental differences in beliefs like that doesn't that's like no like the more comfortable you get unfortunately those views get like more intense more opposite of yours and like far more extreme and proud and like I've had that experience with like friends when they've dated people who like they kind of ease them in to be like yeah no I kind of like think this and like you know I'm like you know i'm not super liberal but like yeah i'm not like i'm not crazy conservative and to me i'm like okay red flag and my friends are like no like that totally works and then like three

months later they're like yeah i don't think like women should have the right to vote and i'm like oh who could have guessed that that was gonna end up there like it's just i don't think that's a nervous thing yeah it seems like you're fundamentally incompatible you don't have the same values um and you just this isn't somebody you want to be in a relationship with and they don't want to hook up so like why are we here why are we having this conversation yeah I I agree with that I don't know I think like caller like you're very considerate and like so kind in the sense of like your first date like if someone like thought about like I've got horrible ADHD and I've got like bad social anxiety but like if someone thought about the fact that like I mean a hike

would be a bad thing for me because I also you know I've got some circulation issues but like if someone like thought ahead of like oh i know that they've got adhd and like i going on a date with them maybe we'll do something that's like an activity but it's not like noisy and it's not like super in public or something like that like i would have felt like wow that's like so nice and so considerate so like i don't think that i wonder if part of you callers like thinking that you're feeling a little bit like guilty that this person who you started talking to like went through something as rehab can be like really beneficial it also can be like even still beneficial can be kind of traumatic and hard that you're feeling like you might have like snipped someone in like

the depths of like something that was difficult but i think like you are so accommodating and like thoughtful at the beginning of this that like i think you're kind of rewriting history to the fact like melissa said like you're i think the reason why you're not talking is you have fundamental differences and like i think the conversation being dry is just like the current excuse because you're 19 you're not looking to settle like it doesn't you can hook up with people who have different views than you and that kind of stuff. But like, you can do that. But like, at least the conversation shouldn't be boring and dry. Yeah, I'm definitely responding to this person's age and being like, what would I want to know at 19? Like, what do I know now that I

didn't know then? And what keeps coming up for me is this idea of you really get to choose what environments you're in, you get to choose who you spend time with, you get to choose how people make you feel. And I think that when you're younger, you don't realize that. And you're like, oh, I get what's given to me? Or I guess this is who I'm eligible for, or this is just what I have to put up with. And I feel like I could look back at my own history and be like, why didn't I leave that room? Why didn't I leave that relationship? Why didn't I leave that job? And it's like, because you don't understand that there's choice and that you really teach people how to treat you. And so I feel like for this person, I would say, I don't think that this relationship is a good

dynamic for you. I think it's making you feel anxious, making you feel insecure, making you feel like there's a lot of red flags that you can ignore or run towards or hopefully run away from. And so I would just want to empower this person and say, starting now and for the rest of your life, you get to decide, is this an environment and a dynamic that I want to be in? And I'm not getting the sense that this is, but I feel like there are things that are making you feel like you need to stay. Like, have I given them a fair shot? Is there anyone else out there? Am I blaming them for something that's not their fault it's like you know what like you get to define the life that you want and part of that means leaving situations that are not serving you and i think

this is one of them yeah we we've always said that like in terms of like fuck buddies like there can be people who you have like you're so different than they're not someone you'd settle down with but like if you want to hook up with them them and like you wanted to be a fuck buddy situation the only thing that should be there is that like you should act you should have to be buddies you have to enjoy their company you have to think that they're fun and funny and like you have to be enjoying the sex that you're having otherwise like you're putting yourself in a situation where it's like it's someone you know you're not actually going to date long term and it's someone like you're not either having sex with or having good sex with and also like you fundamentally like

don't really get along uh or have like a good banter between you so like you can get whatever you want out of a relationship and even if the option seems slim because i'm i don't know like you're 19 so I don't know if you're like still like living at home or like in a small hometown but you said that this was their first sexual experience the guy does not sound like this is yours and so it can I know that the pool can be a hell of a lot smaller um depending on where you are but if you're not you're not getting anything out of this the conversation's dry and you're not even having like you're not hooking up and so it's just kind of like right now it I think if you reach out you're essentially just being like hi would you like to be pen pals or friends and it's

Like, that's not what you're looking for. You don't want to be either of those things because. Yeah. Maybe the key message is just like, what do you want? I don't know that this person knows what they want. Yeah. And that's fine. But it's like, I know it's not this.

It just shouldn't be this. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. Knowing what you want also means knowing what you don't want. Yeah. Love that. Well.

That's it. That is it for our episode. Logan, thank you so much. I feel like I learned a lot that I'm going to like share. We're going to share with people, you know, moving forward when we give advice. And I also feel very validated. in some of the advice that we've given. And I personally have like a strong passion

about redoing people's dating profiles. And so knowing that you're like, you encourage people to like, you know, revamp them. I love, and maybe I should, maybe I'll start making other people let me do that for them. That's a great gift. A great gift you can give people.

The thing that I always tell people, like you have to have like a personality pick. And I had a friend who, she's like so funny and she's so fucking weird. And she's so goofy and off the wall. And like people who meet her, they're like i've never met a girl like this before i'm like i know she's fucking insane and like i love her and she's just she's hilarious and so fun but i looked at her profile and i was

like dude this is not like who is this person like bitch who is this and so i was like i i was like i'll give you like 50 bucks if you make your last photo a picture that you have posted on your like instagram story a couple weeks ago of her like covered in barbecue sauce eating chicken wings and i was like i promise you people are going to message from this and they'll get it and she's like i can't do that and i was like why this is you they're gonna figure it out eventually and you're going to be dating some like dry as hell person who like suck and is going to be shocked by this and she did it and it like completely worked so well and i was like i love that i think that you gave her really good advice i mean first of all it's like they're going to figure out who

you are eventually be up front but also stand out like you know what beige flags are it's just like blending into the background it's like i should feel like the person i'm meeting is a person on the profile and for your friend she just needed to lean into being quirkier and that's totally worked for my clients oh i love that well the time flew by i'm so glad you've created this space where people can call in and get advice. And it was just so fun getting to know you. It was amazing. Can you let people know where they can get your book and any of the potentially like, I don't know if you do virtual dating coaching or you do it in your area? Yeah. So they can follow me on Instagram and TikTok at Logan Urie. I have a weekly dating

newsletter called Logan's Love Letter. I have some courses on my website, including a profile course if people are interested in that. And yeah, my book, How to Not Die Alone. I read the audiobook so if you liked my voice listen to that if you didn't get the art cover enjoy it but yeah thanks so much for having me oh my gosh thank you for being on it was amazing wonderful and if anyone wants to call in for an upcoming episode 310-694-0976 and you can also send us a email like we said at the beginning of the episode but to meganpodcast at gmail.com we also have a patreon where you can support us and i think that's it right let's talk about our episodes the rest of the week oh yeah we have other episodes coming out this week we have see you next tuesday

logan you're about to learn that we love a little pun see you next tuesday where we just talk on tuesdays uh about little things going on our life lots of fun stuff melissa gives a where she's been what she's been doing she also talks about her dating life which most of that's gonna get some people to be like i'm gonna list it on tuesday because this witch doesn't say a word about her own current dating life yeah i only say things when it's over there's a hint Yeah. And there you go. It's a hint. And then on Thursdays, we have But Am I Wrong, where you probably heard this episode that you were like, wow, Megan and Melissa are always right. You are right. We're never wrong. So we tell you when you are being wrong. And when pop culture celebrities, all of those things in the zeitgeist, with our sparkly pink gavels, we decide who is good and who is evil. And then we have Fisting Friday, which I can't believe I'm saying that. So sorry, Logan, we just met. We have a podcast called Fisting Friday. solely for the reason that we made a joke

and then we like couldn't get it out of our head so we could never fucking rename it great alliteration is always appreciated

I like that I like that that's what I say so that's where we read the results because people can vote on who they think is wrong in each episode

of but am I wrong and we read the results and we talk about things but this week I'm just gonna be updating people on one of my favorite internet deep dives

hint Timothy Chalamet is involved woo all right that's it amazing well thank you so much

for joining us I loved it. Yeah. Thank you. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz.

Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.