Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Getting Over an 8 Year Relationship

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Navigating friend group meet up Moving past a relationship Correcting people using the wrong pronouns Breaking up with someone suffering alcoholism Don't Blame Them: Partner licking fingers when eating Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome to another episode of don't blame me starring melissa and a random guest yeah you're probably like oh i thought it was gonna be a repeat because i saw that megan got covet again no megan's a fucking champion and she's here um don't hold your breath that i'll be here for it but am i wrong because i don't know that i'll last that long but i can last through don't blame me everybody yeah you yesterday i was like i mean we can we just do the bonus episodes and you're like no i can do it and it's a timeline that's what it is for me and i said okay um this is the order we're going to do things in uh and we'll see what we get to we got the most important things out the

way which is ads there we go we gotta pay for this um i gotta pay for all the fucking pups plus indeed that my nose is blowing into um but yeah we wanted to make sure that you had an episode because like i feel fucking bad because like the end of the year we both got sick like we were just like ping-ponging back sick back and forth um and then the new year started i rung in the new year with covid and then i'm rebounding with covid again so it's just been a shit show and so you know i want to do this and i really only like i wake up feeling pretty horrible and then i'm fine because my claritin d kicks in and i'm like i'm crushing it and right i'm like stuff's coming out of my body in a good way and then i hit about 2 33 o'clock and shit goes downhill until i go to

bed. So it's really just it's a numbers game. It's we're talking about daylight. So we're coasting ready to give some advice. I haven't taken any DayQuil today. So the only thing I have is Claritin D. So if I give bad advice, I cannot blame it on the medication. I could blame it on COVID brain. But you know, we'll see. We'll see how it goes. Hoping for the best. But that's why I sound like this. So hopefully you get used to it. I'm not my full Awkwafina. I have not fully unlocked my nora voice that was that was that at least like here i know that it's you that nor voice i'm like who the hell is that that's what i was like who is she this one still sounds like me just like yeah sick me that one was like someone it was face swap a vocal cord edition

have you ever seen that movie face swap don't oh i know face off i don't know face swap okay yeah i saw it back uh when i used to play on tnt when i was a child mods showed me it and like or he was watching it and i was like not paying attention and then at one point i was like what's going on i asked him a question i was like roll this tape back start the shit over i'm in and he was like really i was like this is bad i'm down i enjoyed it it was crazy um so yeah this is don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice so if you want some advice from yours truly you can send us a voice memo at megan podcast at gmail.com you can also send us a dm where you write it out you can also write out

the email or you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 for the written requirements under 300 words for the voice memo requirements under three minutes and the voicemail will automatically cut you off at that point um and for all of the above we do ask that you include as many details as possible your age if you're 18 or over have your parents permission but even if you're over 18 include your age because if it's about a relationship tells how long you've been together it is all anonymous so you can use like fake names or pseudonyms for people um but the more details we have the more relevant details we have the better advice we can give you and despite being like you know hot and funny and quirky and hilarious we do want to give you good advice so

if you set us up for success hopefully we can help us help you you know you can join our patreon to watch the video version the only stipulation i will say is if you are caught up to date on my instagram stories actually no it'll be some time passed i i have been wearing the same clothes for about a week and i do look horrible but you will know that it's me because the voice will then match how my lips are moving okay uh and we have uh different tiers for our patreon as little as a dollar a month as much as six dollars six dollars gets you both but am i wrong and don't blame me video and also the live stream which we do a couple times a month and also uh one of the new perks i would say of joining the live stream is that we're into gamer girls for gamer girls

and um i started playing monopoly go over the the winter holiday and i got really into it it is just visually stimulating and i was like megan come play with me and then we were talking about it in the live stream and everybody joined too and now we've got the whole the whole gang's there we've got sticker swaps going on we've got we're taking down landmarks i gotta read a message that we received from one of our listeners i i mean i feel like i uh one of our close personal friends yeah i i'm sorry that i i uh downplayed how important you are to our to our lives they sent me screenshots from their private group chat that they have that we're not allowed to be in a part of someone said i'm just gonna read y'all's names you're getting shout outs these were sent by

eric and mary said soraya destroyed my entire city diana said oof i've been choosing random people whenever it gives them to me and then eric said damn and the receipts too they've got screenshots of people taking everything down uh and uh diana said she keeps choosing violence soraya said i do want to say that i did apologize so i've been taking me down me too um then eric said i think y'all started a war in the group chat with monopoly i think somebody said something about the two of those two oh it says pink hair sarah we do have a lot of sarah's pink pink hair sarah and eminem keep attacking and robbing me and my ipad is home so i don't know what's going on right now who said that eric oh that's so funny and i want to say eric's ipad

is definitely at home right now because i'm like looking at eric's landmark he's like eric we we have cleaned you the fuck up i'm so sorry babe um i also got a dm from nicole being like this was literally right after i posted that i tested positive for covid and said i just realized i wrecked your landmark and i felt so slay but then i remembered you're sick again and i felt like an asshole and you're in my thoughts as in my heart as you heal and rest so sorry bestie if you need any stickers let me know as we speak soraya just robbed me oh i robbed you real good this morning I'm sure I got to a point where I had 27 million dollars and I was like if I don't spend

this shit fast someone's about to come Anisha Anisha's about to come and fucking rob the shit out of me I do need to ask Soraya and Mary how the fuck like have they been spending real money because like how are you getting so good I don't know but

if you join our live stream we'll give you access to our info to get in on the game it's so fun um and yeah we love our live streams they're a great time and we have new people like pretty much every time so don't worry about being like the only new person or if you are the only new person just know that when melissa says like asks you a random icebreaker question you don't actually have to reply yeah you do no you don't know what you're talking about they 100 have to

100 have to reply i gotta say i'm in the hairstylist um board and i love the little bouffants these little these little characters have these little pink bouffants so cute so anyways we're gonna give you some wonderful amazing life-changing advice and prepare yourself gird your loins enjoy your day i don't know if you're at work if you're at lunch um you're on your your commute to or from always love to know where you are tell us in the dms like where are you when you're listening to this episode but don't text and drive do not don't call and drive either one brecks two the sound quality is terrible horrid but i will say though i do appreciate when people pull over and they pull over it next to a farm and we just hear cows

moving in the background i love that shit all right we're gonna get to the advice part now first write in i'll read it because can you breathe i don't know no hi megan and melissa please be nice i will cry otherwise no kidding i 24 she her have a group of friends from college we now all live one to two hours from each other but get together every now and then bella she her and ray he him are dating and olivia she her and liz she her have boyfriends lives lives with her boyfriend john he him sometimes bella and liz's boyfriends join when we get together. They've all been dating around one and a half to two and a half years and in that time I used to have a boyfriend and he would hang out with us sometimes. We were

recently trying to plan a day meet up in the middle and grab dinner because it's been a few months since we all saw each other together. In the group chat Liz said that her and John were good with the plan and then Olivia said that her boyfriend would come. I didn't realize that the boyfriends would be joining and I kind of just wanted to hang out with my friends but I understand that they're part of their lives and they're nice guys to hang out with. I thought I would feel like I'd be the seventh will in the group of couples and thought about bringing one of my friends Beth she her who has met my college friends a few times so I would have a person with me. Olivia and John are very cuddly and Olivia kind of only talks to John when they're here. Is it weird to bring my

friend to the group dinner how do i still hang out with my friends without forcibly excluding their boyfriends how do i not feel like the third fifth or seventh will when hanging out with my friends and their boyfriends how do you navigate friendships with their partners is usually included i mean my automatic advice is don't bring beth but tell them not to bring their boyfriends because like i don't know what the point of you going is if beth because then it's just you and beth hanging out next to two of your college friends and couples there so like i think you'll just hang out with Beth then it doesn't sound like they're really good at splitting time but I also think it's kind of like there are some friends where you like hang out with them

as a couple and they're good couples like that like you know they branch off they do their own things like it's totally fine and then there are people who you don't hang out with them as a couple because like they're not so good at that or their friends the friend groups aren't so like immersive like that but they honestly like not being rude like they might have just kind of forgotten that the the factor has changed that you don't have a boyfriend there so they might just be being like oh i guess that would be weird if it is just all of us and and her so i would think if they've been dating for a long time i would just respond and say like oh i was actually hoping we could like just do a girl's night if that's not in the cards like let's plan for one

of those soon and then i think there's absolutely nothing wrong with being like i'm like not super into being like a seventh wheel lol like i've said that to people before and like i would never be offended if someone said that to me like if they're like i don't really feel like being a third wheel i'd be like okay then i'll uninvite moms i think that is perfectly good information i mean like there's some couple friends that i've hung out with where like we're just all friends i think if it's gonna be like this all the time especially if they like end up being their forever partners or however long that they're together, I think it's important to incorporate

those other people into your friendship. Like don't think of them as your friends' partners. Also think of them as your friends. And then that changes the perspective. If they're going to be cuddly, that's to me kind of rude, very rude. Like y'all could have stayed home to do that. But if we're more so thinking of it

like this is all the group of us hanging out, then it totally changes the dynamic. and yeah i think you can all be like good friends together if you like them you said they're good guys and or have the guys go out and do their own like you meet at the same place but have them go off and do something else yeah that's another suggestion i also would say like if you're gonna go with all of them i'm saying like i wouldn't necessarily bring a person because i think you'll just end up talking to them but i do worry about splitting the check so that i would bring a person because if they're like oh it's just like let's just all split it evenly this way and it's like

i can't with couples do that and you're like no that's not even or i'll just order a second meal and i'll have it later yeah let me order myself some lunch for tomorrow right but yeah them being couple-y like that's something that like they need to get out of if they want this to be a friend group situation because like i don't know anybody who's been dating for like over a year who's like that some of them been dating two and a half years yeah then that seems like that's a little long to kind of be in that phase right or that state so just have an honest conversation with them it's not rude no i wouldn't find it rude if i was on the receiving end of it like whatsoever all right we're going to take a break and when we get back we'll get into some more

and we're back and it is time for the next one i can read this next one it's a little shorter okay all right dear megan and melissa my boyfriend 27 broke up with me 27 three days ago we started dating we were 19 have lived together for six years and would have celebrated our eight-year anniversary in a few days though we've been having problems for a while went to counseling two separate times within the span of a year the breakup was a shock to me we'd agree to give it time continue counseling and work on the relationship since we love each other so much now he says he doesn't want to work on it anymore and he feels he needs to leave the relationship and be alone to be happy i'm heartbroken and i feel like i'm losing my future my best friend

and the love of my life we met studying abroad and i had moved to his home country for him learned the language and adjusted well though it wasn't always easy now i have to move to my hometown to live with my mom while figuring out the next steps, leaving behind both my soulmate and the life I've built for myself in this country. It scares me that we'll be in two different countries as I hope we can get back together and make it work in the future. However, I feel like staying without him would hurt too much. I'm currently between jobs, so basically I feel like I've reached the lowest point in my life. I would appreciate any advice you have on picking myself up and navigating this new reality. I'm having a hard time accepting the

breakup and feel like I will keep waiting for him to change his mind or for us to get back together in the future thank you so much love the show oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so so sorry fucking awful oh my god that's awful yeah here's a a positive to being at if you feel like right now you're at the lowest point in your life that means tomorrow it can only get better you can only go up from here this is a lot because this is you know this is somebody you've been with your whole adult life and you don't you move to a different country for them and adapted to the new country and you don't know how to be yourself without them because your whole life was dedicated to adapting to being with them and i'm so sorry yeah i mean i need you to get mad at

him because like i'm mad at him and like i think you're like longing for this but i think like this was a really shitty move on his part because you're saying that like you know we've had some issues but like i was totally blindsided by it yeah of course you're blindsided by it like everything you've said this was the plan was that you were going to work on this and you like loved and you're between jobs and he knows that you don't like this is just like such a inconsiderate kind of thing like i think that this has really pulled the rug out from underneath you and also like melissa said like you made all these sacrifices for this relationship and i don't know if he has i would ask yourself that question like how much have you bled out for this relationship

and he's essentially leaving you high and dry to like figure this shit out and obviously like i don't think he should have just like stuck it out but like to time it a little bit better would have been much kinder and or to be more forthcoming and not basically reassure you that this was the plan was to keep working on it and then to have suddenly like okay no like then say like let's work on it for three months and check back in three months like right because y'all only went you said over the span of a year you went to counseling two separate times two times is not enough to help over 365 days that's not enough to be beneficial at all it should have been consistently going at the rate that your counselor saw best but it just seems like he doesn't he

doesn't want to give any more to the relationship and I don't I don't necessarily think that it's like something to hold against him he saw that it was the end he he made some type of effort but it wasn't a full effort but I think that that maybe the thought of going to counseling was like the last step for him and then he got to the point where you know like I don't see any benefit to this because i don't want to be here and it might have been that it was all of a sudden to you but he had been ruminating on it for a while he should have been honest with you that for like throughout but like sometimes it's just hard to process those emotions when you're going through it and you don't know how to do it especially like this is the only i mean you're 19 so like this is the

only serious relation i mean you're you're 27 and y'all have been together since you were 19 like this is the only relationship that you're really really been in and you don't know how what a breakup is like in the adult sense sense yeah I'm really sorry and I think like the advice for picking yourself up is just you know like going back home is not a failure you tried something it didn't work it's not working I think that now like don't really focus on the past because if you're focusing on the past you're gonna always be holding on to this thing of like he's gonna come back around like it'll change like it's fine he's just going through something which he might be but we shouldn't be holding on to that we should be looking forward to like what's

next like maybe like moving in with your mom is just like temporary for right now and you there's something else that you always wanted to do that was that you couldn't do because you were living across the or living in a different country so maybe figure out figure out like the things that you always wanted to do and couldn't and just work it could even just be hobbies it could be trying a new recipe it could be like going to a different place just like try new things and see what you like and it or you don't like and just like look forward to the future instead of dwelling on what could be dwell on what will be yeah i agree with all of that i think you need like uh such a clean break like i would block him on absolutely everything because

you're not going to run into him obviously but like i don't know if he has siblings or friends that you're mutuals with like block everything because you will then stay inside in your mom's house not living your life looking at him living his life and being upset about it when really like you should be living your life and you made so many sacrifices that like he was attached to where you lived like he was attached like all of these things there and so you have been you've been attached to him and for for so long that you haven't had an independent adult experience an independent like adult life and like yes moving abroad is a very adult thing to do but you you you did that with a sense of security for a relationship you had all of that stuff there and

now this is all this is you like you get to do whatever makes you happy and try out all of these things and it's like a time to be like i would say radically selfish and hyper independent and finding things that bring you joy because i'm not gonna like not to discredit anything that like brought you joy while you were together but it was attached to him and i think that as hard as it is and like how much this is like really like rocks your world i think that you're really set up well for getting over this and then thriving because you're able to have a much cleaner break than a lot of other people. You're able to literally put, I'm assuming, thousands of miles between you guys and to start in a new place. And I don't know the last time... If it's the

house that you grew up in that you're going to be or you haven't... Maybe it's like your mom has moved, but you have an opportunity here to be a totally different person than you were the last time you were in your hometown or the last time that you were back in this country or this state or wherever, you've like learned so much. But I think longing for a relationship that was actively rocky and like actively had you guys like being like their stuff to kind of work through, you deserve so much better than that. And I think focusing on things that make you feel good about yourself that can literally be like playing with makeup in your room. It can be like recording a cute tiktok video it can be just like putting on a fun outfit and like going out with high school

friends or even just downloading apps and talking to people but like things that may remind you like i am like so fucking awesome like i'm the fucking prize like give yourself the simone biles husband speech like that is you you're you need to remind yourself that how he treated you and wishing for a relationship that you're at this point you're still not even you're not looking at with rose colored glasses like you're being transparent honest that like yeah shit was hard and we were working through it but i thought we would have worked through it i always say like the the sign of like your person or like true love is like when there are two people who want to work through it and you can't want to work through it enough for the both of you and so i think if he does come

back around the true sign of healing is that like you're so far beyond him like you're so over him and him wanting to separate like i can only be alone to be happy is not a knock on you that's like to me like that's a sign of like someone who really doesn't know who they are someone who is like you know naive and insecure and like just needs to figure out their own shit and as hurtful as that is he's given you the opportunity for you to do the same and you to like do that with like flying colors and it's really really hard and i think it'll take a lot of baby steps and if you you know you fuck up and you like check in on him and you like look on his instagram or whatever that's also okay like we all slip up in there but i promise you you'll how you'll notice how

you feel afterwards and when you can get into the habit think of it like you're like working on or anything once you can get into the habit of pretending he doesn't exist you can get into the habit of ignoring his existence his presence you'll start to remember what life was like without him and you'll start to like see what this new life is like without him and i think you'll realize that there's there are things that you're not gonna miss about him so sometimes it's easier at the early stages before you get to that like you naturally get to that angry stage for my anytime you start reminiscing on the good stuff like think of all of the bad stuff and like remind yourself that like it doesn't work out until it does and just because we think this

thing it was supposed to work out in reality we square peg round hole if we force it it's going to end eventually and i don't i again like i i agree with melissa that like you can't always plan these things perfectly but like i do think that like his communication really lacked in all of this and i just know that you deserve so much more and you just have to start feeling that so you can pretend that you think you deserve so much more even if you don't feel it and eventually you'll start to really feel it and you'll start to know it yeah but i'm so fucking sorry and i don't know where you live but we've got we've we've got little fuckers all over the globe so if you're in our facebook group and you're looking to make some new friends

join send us a message on instagram and let us know if you're not in it and you're trying to join and i'm sure there are people like and whatever if it's the u.s or canada whatever state province like there's going to be someone who would probably like love to meet up and like go get coffee with you or anything like that. All right on to the next one. Hi Eminem I'm 22 they them and I just wanted some advice as you guys have previously said that you're very good at being cunty with only the other person knowing but not necessarily everyone thinking you're being rude. For context I'm trans and I use they them pronouns and I really struggle with being upfront about it and telling and correcting people. I usually only tell the people I care about, but then

often they don't say it even after like I told them. And I actually have lost a friendship that was because it was two years and they were the first person I came out to and they never said my correct pronouns. And I do have friends and people in my life that do help me correct, but when I'm on my own or in places that are like very straight, or I don't know many people, I have to stick up for myself and I just kind of want to know ways that are kind of petty because I feel like I should only have to tell someone once properly and then like I don't mind if someone gets it accidentally wrong but I often find that people only say it a few times and then I don't really have the confidence to correct them so I just want to know ways that you can

kind of be petty about it. I also am in a lot of student politics stuff at my uni and whilst most people i'm around are very progressive we do get some people in a while that are quite conservative and i just want some tips on how to be on the face i seem nice but i'm actually being kind of petty or just bitchy but only they know because if like they're not going to give me the respect that i feel like i shouldn't give it to them and just for an example there's someone that i used to work with that was very homophobic and for anything positive I would say slay and so it's seen as positive but I knew they did not like it and so I thought that was just a great little thing so anything like that or just ways to be kind of rude but also polite just so I kind of

get it across that like you please be a decent human like don't fuck with me please thank you I love the podcast and I really appreciate you and I really hope just for tips on how to be like petty but still everyone thinks i'm nice about this and like social right stuff i'll preface it by saying if you're new here neither one of us belong to this marginalized group but i am a black woman and i will say for me personally this is a personal experience when it comes to things that are like social issues that have to do with the group that i belong to I don't like to be petty I like to be up front because things get misconstrued if you're being petty and you don't want that to be the final the final like answer to that you want it to be like

them being correct and so you know if I hear somebody saying something is racist I'll say that's racist because yeah it is I think in this situation they're not being respectful or nice to you. So you don't need to be respectful or nice back to them. I don't like it's not important for people to see me as nice. No one like it's important for people to respect me and understand that I'm coming from a good place, but I don't need to be nice. And so I don't think in this situation, this is a time to be petty. This is a time to be straightforward and put people in their place you can put people in their place in their place in a nice way in a kind way but that doesn't it there should be no gray area for you wanting your rights respected yeah i don't even

think there's a way for you to be petty like in it because like i think like at base level when someone is like i don't like it's not like yes they're not respecting you but like they're not even seeing you like if they're not seeing you for who you are they're like i don't think that that's like the lowest of the low to me it's like there's no way that you can be petty to that like that is like bottom of the fucking barrel so i think anything you respond with or reply with will by default not be petty and by default you know be be be valid and also be polite because when there's no there's no lower than that then you can go that like would make whatever you're doing like oh well actually now you're being rude like that's yeah regardless so i mean i think like

one thing you could do is just ignore and being like oh i didn't realize i i wasn't oh no that that's those are my pronouns i didn't realize you were talking to me and that's a way you can do it and also like you know you can pick and choose ben depending on the person you're talking to what you think will be most receptive to them or depending on the environment you're in that you feel most comfortable doing but i think another thing that is very helpful is just like you can every time they start and they use the wrong pronouns you just say like oh no actually and you correct every single time so then it becomes like if it's a choice that they're making while you are interrupting them correcting them then it's like no you actually can't slide with this

like you can't slide with pretending you're trying because i'm going to correct you every single time you're not going to be able to finish your sentence you're not going to be able to get this we're not going to be able to have a conversation until you start respecting me and so and then if they choose not to do that then that's like a remove yourself from that circumstance situation because like they can't play like ignorant there because you're directly calling it out in the exact moment. I mean, I think the only things that would be like,

I mean, the other one I would say is you could be like, oh, who are we talking about? Like I was, oh no, that's not, that's actually not, those are not my pronouns. Like that's not me. I don't know who we're talking about. And you can play that very earnest and that might feel like petty to you.

Again, I don't think that's petty, but it can feel a little bit more indirect of a way to just be like oh who oh yeah no that's actually not mine versus being saying those are not my pronouns like if you feel like well maybe they're not talking about me I'm not a hundred percent sure or whatever that is but then I think a thing to say is that like a lot of people will do this and I also don't think this is petty is using other people's wrong pronouns but I think if you're going to do that I would say like how does that feel for you like that feels probably like whether it hurts your feelings or not or like makes you feel white but like it feels kind

of like pathetic, doesn't it? Like, I know what your pronouns are and I'm choosing not to use them. Like, doesn't that feel a little silly? Like, I think we're all better than that. Come on. So I don't think that there's any which way in which you would be petty for correcting someone or you would be doing it in a way that is stooping to their level or whatever, because I think this is just like disrespect and you deserve to be treated as a human and autonomous human with like your own being addressed properly so i think it's petty to not use people's pronouns correct so just put people in their place yeah and you'll be able to tell really quickly who are the people who are like oh shit i'm and then they start correcting

themselves so like you're not going to push any good people away from you by by doing this it's is really going to show people's true colors yeah all right we're going to take a break on to the next one long time listener first time caller i'm calling for it don't blame me my boyfriend 37 he him and i 26 share have been together for two years my boyfriend is an alcoholic he told me when we met and tried to get better however as time passed his disease got worse although he has never been violent physically or verbally towards me living together came with some traumas for me many and kept promises, drunk driving, accidents, emergencies, and a lot of stress, I decided to

save my life and give us one more chance. I changed job, moved back to my parents' place. His parents came to live with him, and he eventually got sober. I set a clear boundary as I moved. I don't want to be around him if he's drunk, or just drink a little bit. I asked for him to be ten months sober before we could discuss moving back together. After one month of long distance and sobriety, he came to see me for a weekend. But after only an hour at my place, he proceeded to secretly drink the whiskey he brought. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I felt betrayed, disappointed, and lost all hopes for our future together.

I've been very upset ever since. i want to call it quits but don't know how to he's gonna be eight hours away from me and he's very fragile still i don't know what to do do i call him do i video call do i go to see him and tell him i don't want to use logistics as an excuse but i'm also afraid of not going through with it if we're not faced if we're face to face so yeah any advice would be welcome and advice from me for other people maybe living the hell i've lived and i'm still living right now reach out to them and they truly helped me and they offered a wonderful support system for me so yeah what do i do thank you bye i'm really sorry this is like so super hard um but i think

you're really self-aware in that like you know you know that like you're not sure if you're going to be able to go through with breaking up with him if you're face to face and i think like trust that because you know ultimately the goal is you need to end this and considering his feelings and how he takes it is a very like noble and kind thing to do but ultimately the the ultimate goal has to be that it ends. So we can already rule out doing it in person. Because if you can't actually end it, it is not beneficial for you to be doing that in person. You can't think about him more than you think about you. So I would say it sounds like his parents are in his life. I don't know if you've met his parents. I would call his parents first and say,

Hey, I just want to give you a heads up. I don't know if they know that you caught him drinking after he was like a month sober or a couple months sober. And I would let them know that that happened. And you're like, so this is like this. I'm done with this. But obviously, we're long distance right now. And I want to make sure that you know that this is coming so you can be there for him and you can support him.

And I'm willing to hear like, I'm not going to be doing it over. Like, I'm not going to be doing it in person. I'll be doing it over the phone. And if you want to be make sure that you're in the house when I do it. We can schedule a time when I call him so you guys are our home so you know it's coming. But I would just make sure that you let his parents know. That's like the only thing I would say there. And then I would do it over the phone and I would write everything down that you want to say. And I would start by telling him that like, so this is going to be really hard to hear.

I've written everything down. This is a statement from me. This is like not a discussion. Like I'm really firm in my beliefs for this. And this comes from a place of love. And this is going to be a lot. This is what we both need. And I need to put myself first and then get into it. And if he starts arguing back or getting mean, then I would say, I'm going to hang up the phone now if you do this. And I would just... There's no bartering. There's no compromising on this. There's no promises that he can make for that. And I would stand firm in that. And if you have to hang up the phone, that doesn't make you a bad person whatsoever. You have to think about yourself. And he doesn't need you if you can't be the person you need to be for yourself. We become like shells of

ourselves and we give ourselves so much to other people that eventually those other people, they bleed and suck you dry. And then you're not helpful for them. So just knowing that in doing this is not... It might feel to him in the moment or feel to you that you're actively harming him or this is a really bad call. But it's not sustainable for you. And you're not going to be able to be a support system for him at this point anymore. And that's okay. And that's something that he can't expect from you. And he's really lucky that his parents are in his life. And that's something that not everybody else has and has people who can look out for him, but that ship has sailed with you and that's okay. Yeah. I mean, I really don't

have anything else to add to that. That was excellent advice. Yeah. You, you have to take care of yourself and being with him is not helping you. So that's not taking care of yourself. I know it's going to be hurtful. And I mean, I know that he's hurting you and I know it's going to be painful to like let him go but he's not your responsibility you're your own responsibility so just i think what megan said it really it really like handles the whole situation with care looping in his parents is great advice and um yeah just good luck and i wish you all the best with this yeah and i would make sure that you know going into it that it's it's not going to be a conversation i think you need to get everything out that you want to say because

you can't expect you're not i don't know that you're going to get anything out of him do you i mean like you're not going to get a response you want out of him or you know anything like that but making sure i don't know most i've given advice before on like ghosting or like ending friendships or ending things or whatever and we've always said like you know the final message you send shouldn't be an invitation for a response and people might take it as an invitation of response but you as the person who's saying all of those things you're not looking for a response there's nothing there that's looking for an explanation or looking for whatever you're tying it up with a bow on your side because the other person's not giving you the opportunity for that like you have

to kind of be your own closure in that so i hope that he i think anybody has like i i think i think anybody with resources i have like so much faith in people for in getting sober like i i'm someone who like i really believe that people deserve no one deserves to go through that and no one deserves to like stay in that for eternity. But a lot of that becomes no longer our business once we sever those relationships and like we can hope for the best and wish for the best for them. And maybe down the road, they get to the step of making amends and you're one of those people on that list. But at that point, that relationship should not be like an active one between you guys. And I think you've given him so many opportunities. And I'm really glad that you

are active in an Al-Anon community. And I would definitely make sure if you're someone who... I don't know if you are, but it sounds like you're really good at creating strong boundaries. So I don't maybe think that this is you. But if you're someone who... If you tend to relinquish on those boundaries, make sure you tell some people in your life that you've done this so they can also hold you accountable. But I think that you're going about this the exact right way. And you're really choosing yourself, which I think is super admirable and I think is very um a really strong thing to do so like really just big kudos to you for that and i'm sorry this is very tough all right well um now it's time for don't blame them

if you're brand new here don't blame them because we're a listener calls in with their own advice pertaining to a call that we had on a previous episode so maybe they have advice of their own they have some personal lived experience or they just have some additional insight that they would like to share hi this is a don't blame them responding to the partner licks his fingers while eating call it sounds like it could be misophonia based on the way she reacted to her mother eating having to remove yourself and crying and pulling your hair out in the bathroom doesn't sound like a quote-unquote normal reaction to simply being bothered by something i have misophonia and some sounds, for example, certain chewing sounds that certain people may physically

hurt and can actually send me into irrational rage or a full-on panic attack. There's a really good episode of a podcast called The Illusionist about misophonia. I'm sorry, I don't know if it's misophonia or misophonia, with a doctor called Dr. Jane Gregory that is doing research about it. In the episode, she shares some advice and great tips and simple verbal techniques to make it easier in the day-to-day life. And she's got a book too, Sounds Like Misophonia, How to Stop Small Noises from Causing Extreme Reactions. She also says that we tend to get stronger reactions to people that we have a stronger emotional connection to. So that might be why it's more concentrated to family. it is neurological and has to do with how the brain processes sound and it's estimated that

about 20 have it she's not alone and it's not her fault great advice maybe i should listen to that i don't have the chewing one but i have a big sound issues yeah i become a i become a cunt when someone's making a noise i i become a horrible person so that's interesting i'm probably gonna listen to that so thank you very very very helpful i hope the original caller knows that it's very common 20 of people is a lot yeah it's a huge amount of people and that's probably only like self-identified versus people who like don't even know that that they haven't categorized that that's why they have a reaction like that so thank you for sharing that i really appreciate it and we hope you all enjoyed the episode if you did you can always leave it a

review we always appreciate that spotify or the podcast apple podcast app and you can join our patreon watch the video versions join our live streams fuck around with us on monopoly go and um yeah we have new merch coming soon if anyone knows about taxes that's the only hurdle keeping us there yeah we're doing this for the first time on our own and um we came in to some tax stuff that we have to fill out so we'll get it done soon and there are numbers math. I hope y'all enjoyed. I hope none of you have

COVID and if you do, I hope we entertained you while you're sick. Anything else? That's it. Follow us everywhere and watch my latest video talking about how I got COVID and how I'm feeling so great. You're gonna have to make another one.

I know. Everyone's like, oh my god, you're so lucky you didn't rebound and I'm like, skirt! Rewind! She did. You're probably wondering how I ended up here. We hope you all enjoyed and we will see you. See you soon. We've got a bonus episode tomorrow. Yeah.

See you next Tuesday. Yay. All right. Bye. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz.

Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.