Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Getting Your Sister Out of a Bad Relationship

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update Coworkers telling you you're making excuses (December 26, 2023) Buying an expensive bag Sharing Chores Leaving a co-worker out of a friend group Sister is in a toxic relationship Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Get tickets now. hello and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me love it welcome to a podcast where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice all the above you don't have to pick and choose like wonderful it's also life-changing and i don't know any of the other adjectives that i did but speaking of words and phrases i was crushing jeopardy a couple days ago like months are watching one night and i was absolutely plowing through it because it had food categories and i said okay i'm in my goddamn fucking element it was great and then we're watching one now that's um they put all the jeopardy episodes

pluto tv if anyone's curious not a sponsor everyone's like how are you watching old episodes like alex trebek mott's it's his absolute obsession and he put the time and energy and work and found out that they're on pluto tv so we watch that and um they're in hd though and there is nothing more of a goddamn mind fuck than watching something that was released in 2012 with the quality of something that is released in 2024 because i'm going what are we they're like something presidential and then i'm they're talking about i'm like what are we like no and it's like oh no this is like 12 years old do you remember the day when everything switched over where it went from analog to digital and they've made a big deal about it because they're like

if you have an antenna you have to you it won't work anymore you have to get this the new antenna whatever it was and then everything changed and they didn't know how to light things anymore and everything for about a year was everybody looked really orange on tv wow i didn't know i didn't know that there was like a total sudden shift one day yeah yeah it was like it was like for us equivalent to when everything went from black and white to color tv no way yeah crazy i know i missed like a switch yeah but like when the black and white color tv it was like like a switch and people were like but that's much more jarring i was like that's doing drugs like yeah that's maybe that's why that generation didn't need ayahuasca and our

generation is like i need i need to go cocaine and things just right well and like speed and just like yeah you know those prescriptions but yeah and they don't even need a prescription for them no true facts yeah they could just oh you've got a cold would you like yeah and it's like really really really uh took the edge off and it's like you don't say um but yeah like so like watching it it is a mind fuck because like i associate certain qualities with certain time periods and so when they go back and they make something that was not of that quality they like redo it especially for like tv like that it's so fucking weird because i go these are some very unfashionable people and i'm not saying that jeopardy has like outfits like people

aren't necessarily turning looks but i'm just like damn people are really i was like these people are stuck in their ways and i go oh my god no megan this is she's wearing that because it is 2006 it's just okay so um but yeah i was crushing it the other day and um i don't know how that came up we're talking about words i feel like mods and my dad would have a good old time just sitting down because my dad also was jeopardy when my grandmother was like it's a shame that she never like got to go on jeopardy because we'd watch any she knew the the answers to everything or the question i should say but um she knew everything everything even when she got had alzheimer's she still would know all the answers for that that was the thing that like i mean

chapter sharp that part never goes away that's crazy because like i think that like you know whether it's like bar pub trivia or like jeopardy or whatever like people who i have like a definitely have like a collection of random facts but like it's all based on like hyper fixations or things that i've cared about people who are like everything and they don't even have to like really care about it but they just know it and their brain will store that information even if they don't really care i'm always so fucking impressed by like matzo pull out some answers like complete out of his ass and i go i don't even know what they were asking like i don't even understand what they're asking and like you have an answer for this thing that i don't even know

what the question is like that's so impressive to me but yeah i told him i wanted him to put on his vision board which we talk about in tomorrow's episode um i was like we gotta put you doing these jeopardy practice quizzes because it's your time get get your ass on jeopardy but the thing i told him we have to work on is when he misses something he needs to not say fuck right after i think i'm like if you're on tv with cameras pointing at you it's different i love him to death but i do think that's what we will work on the most in our training they um they edit it so they can just edit it out that's true jeffrey's in life it ruins the flow of the of the the pace of the game you just mess up everybody else facts but also i did see read an article that um emma

stone is like dangerously close to getting on jeopardy like i don't know it's like a jeopardy producer like like somehow it came up in topics i'm sure in the award season time like a conversation and it's that like she applies for jeopardy like every year for the last couple years and do celebrity she doesn't want to do celebrity jeopardy she wants to get on and they were like they don't play favorites or yeah you know you can't really cut the line in that one and so they were like we would love to have the on celebrity jeopardy and she's like no no i'm going on there based on like my own skill and merit of like the game of jeopardy and they were like it's not a matter of if it's wet like she's very good like she's getting farther and farther

each time and macho's like imagine i get on jeopardy it's just emma so i was like that'd be so funny but i love it you see the movie quiz lady movie quiz lady it's only it's a movie i believe space quiz lady it's a movie called quiz lady okay that's what i meant movie space quiz lady not like did you see the at account movie quiz lady no okay it's got uh nora from queen in it and sandra oh they play sisters it's interesting but it's basically about somebody who's very good at quiz shows and so they uh get onto a show that's jeopardy like oh i would like this then again something we talk about tomorrow that aquafina is not in it nor from queens is in it no no that nor from queens is not in the feature-length film we talk about in tomorrow's

episode oh oh oh that's the biggest shock to me i like kept pausing going where's her name maybe because one's from the bronx and one's from queens turf wars is what you're trying you're trying to start you're trying to insight but it's her best friend was her best hold on was her best friend not in in that trailer leah passed leah said i'm so sorry no she's not in it that's wild do you think she's like a secret cameo she must she must because like they they do interviews together everything yeah they do interviews together all the time i love them as a duo i do too like the they do this they're tiktoks there's them like fighting have you seen they're like sisters yes but you know she's got to be and it's got to be a surprise but is it a

surprise well i think we're in for a lot of surprises of the in the movie like i think i'm it's a constantly surprising delight and we're not telling you what this movie is because i really want everyone to get the reaction you if you can deduce it you you got it and i think if you can deduce it you've already seen the trailer like i think if you can tell the trailer yeah i think if you can tell we're talking about like you know you're probably already up up to date but otherwise tomorrow's episode see you next tuesday it's a riveting one where we talk about what will be you know we talk about song of the summer what about the movie of february because it's about to be the movie of february and it is a birthday present to me specifically

can't wait love it anyways um i guess we should introduce ourselves if you're brand new here my name is megan and my name is melissa diamond mons i gave my full name oh i love that and if anyone has any ideas um if we were to start a company what we should call it yeah we can't do m&m no for obvious reasons two obvious reasons one chocolate other rap rapper so we are going to give some advice and how you participate and how you call in for advice is uh multiple ways so you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 if you're an international listener you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com so for both of those like audio versions we'll play your call it's all anonymous you have to be asian or over have your parents permission

and we ask or we require you keep it under three minutes and we ask that you include as much detail as possible so because it's anonymous use fake names not like initials or something something we can follow and we recommend that you write it all down first practice a couple times time it Make sure you're under that three-minute mark. Add in more information as need be. Cut out things that are unnecessary. And then you can just read it and record either the voicemail or the voice memo. And then we also accept written submissions now.

So you can send us a DM to our Instagram account, which is just by Megan and Melissa. Podcast by? I think it's just Megan and Melissa. It's called. Yeah. I had to change it because someone finally dropped that one. You can send it to our podcast Instagram account, which is at Megan and Melissa. Megan with an H.

melissa with one s and that has to be under 300 words and you can also send an written email to the same email address meganpodcast at gmail.com and do the same thing so under 300 words and just get out all of the information that is pertinent to us giving you advice because the better and more relevant information we have the better advice we can we can give you and let us know if you're sensitive all right so uh should we get into the update oh we've got an update hell yeah so this is from an episode where the original caller had been working at their job and their grandfather was ill and so they were taking care of their grandfather and the people that they work with were not her boss not her boss the people that they work with that have nothing

to do with her direct job were like complaining and making snide comments about her being able to work from home when they can't. All right. So here's the update. Hi guys. Thank you for featuring my call. A lot of your assumptions were correct. I'm a personal assistant to a doctor who works out a number of clinics. I am based at the one she works the most. My colleagues are either PAs to other doctors or clinic staff. So our working relationships are nothing more than me booking rooms or exchanging patient notes. Anyway, an update. So I came back to work after the holidays,

took your advice on board and really appreciated the validation that it's not me being insane and my colleagues are just being rude. Day one, someone made a comment about me starting at 11 a.m. The convo went as follows. Would you like to play them?

Oh, sure. Me. Sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean by that? Well, it must be nice not having to bother coming in before 11 a.m. Me, in a super friendly and light tone. What an odd thing to say. Yes, I am lucky that my boss allows me to work flexibly,

but I wouldn't say it was nice to spend two hours this morning helping to feed my dying grandfather. I'd be happy to come in at a.m. and not be in that position. As I'm sure you can imagine, things went quiet after that. I later got in on behalf of everyone type apology from another colleague who overheard and an offer for help slash cover if I need to take time off while I was going through so much. Unfortunately, my granddad passed away at the end of that first week back, which was very sad for us, but for the best for him.

While it means that my problem is solved for want of a better word, I found your advice and validation super helpful and feel much more prepared for if a situation like this were to happen again so thank you so much what a wonderful update i'm so sorry about your grandfather passing but i'm glad that you're like this was for the best for him at this point and can i say that you took our advice with flying fucking colors and the what an odd thing to say like you just like a gold stars crushed it wonderful like took the advice and look where this so great you should also take them up on um covering a ship like you know like or they need to like help you out or something if you've like funeral arrangements or even just um like oh i'm like you want to take a

mental health day because like i'm still really grieving with that so i would take them up on it like it's definitely like a satisfying feeling um as that like oh okay look now that now who's the like now you're the fucking asshole um take people up on that stuff yeah you never this is why you should never just make comments about things one it's not your fucking business but two like you never know what people are going through you never know and the assumption is so fucking weird to me because if i started a job at like 8 a.m and someone came in at 11 my automatic thought process is um this person has kids and has to like bring them to school and bring them to they have to have they've had an they've already had a morning routine before they got to work and this is the

start of my day but they've already had a full other day there or they have like an incredibly long commute or they've got a or incredibly long commute that also involves public transportation and like that like i'm thinking if you're coming in late i'm like damn you must have got i'm the one who lucked out i'm already here this early like this means my day's going a lot easier i assume that yours has been you've already had a full fucking day before mine has started it's like it's such a weird assumption to make yeah and if it's not interrupting their job why the fuck do they care they need more work they're hella bored yeah they're in they're jealous which they didn't have anything to be jealous about maybe they just like hate their bosses and they

were jealous because they thought that your boss was being more lenient so they were taking it out on you. But again, you never know what people are going through. Yeah. And it's just such like a petty thing because I'm like, if that's the case, if you feel so bold and confident in your decision that you're going to like make snide remarks to the employee, really what you should feel comfortable telling your boss, like, why aren't you more like the other boss? Why can't I start later? Because you're going to get humbled incredibly quickly. So it's just like that power struggle. We're going to take a break. And when we get back, we'll get into the advice portion. we're back from our break and we're gonna get into the calls and i do realize at the beginning

i forgot to promote our patreon and maybe that is because i look so gorgeous and beautiful today and i'm like you know i just don't want to make other people so insecure um but yeah we do video versions of the podcast on patreon and we also um if you want to play with us on monopoly go go join our patreon if you want to play with us yeah play with us um and uh we also do live streams twice a month um january's ending so if you've joined before you would have had so many more in january um and it's still got more to catch up on though that's true join today yeah and um we have a great grand old jolly old time you can be friends with people and not just us like we're we're just there yeah they hang out without us all the time yeah international domestically

um a recent quote was there's two of them who have beef right now and we were asking about like what's the beef it's like a very non-serious we know it's non-serious beef and it says it was like well Mary says well I told Erica she was a stupid bitch and now every time we're talking in our group chat about Monopoly Go and any interaction between Erica and Mary I just do quotes and then I told Erica she's a stupid bitch I'm like I'm not gonna let you guys live down this beef uh it's great and I do think that that comment might have actually come from a Monopoly Go beef like what did it like why was erica a stupid bitch i forgot but i know there was a leah michelle involved with that too yes these are very layered friendships and relationships you can have if you join our

patreon so please please join all right let's get into the first call i'm negative melissa i'm calling in with some advice on buyer's remorse due to of her making me feel guilty on my first designer bag purchase. I come from a very small town and my brother-in-law and his wife and a large side of that family comes from an even smaller side of the town. And recently I worked two jobs. I work full time. I make really good money. It's something that I've always wanted and I've always been a bit bougie that way is my first designer bag. And I've had a few fakes and I just thought, you know, I'm almost 30. This is going to be my birthday gift to myself, and I'm going to do it.

So I purchased my first Louis Vuitton bag. It was about $3,000, and nobody in my town really has it. Like, it's really rare to see someone carrying a real designer bag, even though a lot of people have fake ones. I haven't posted about it anywhere. You know, I bought it for myself. The only person that knows is my partner, and, you know, I guess his family got wind of it because I was carrying it around, and someone asked if it was real. and it's not a big bag it's just like a little shoulder Louis Vuitton bag it's nothing crazy

and this weekend I was really ripped on for it they were saying I would never spend that money there was a room of like eight people and they basically just sat there and bashed me for you know I would say about 40 minutes and it's just I feel really guilty now about buying it I'm like should I return it was this a horrible investment I make good money I work two full-time jobs my i also had a death in the family my dad actually just passed away i got a lump sum of inheritance and he knows this is something i've always wanted and i just said i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it and so now i feel really guilty about it i tried to lay the girl math on them and say you know these people in these small towns buy all these quads these snowmobiles for like

ten twenty thousand dollars they you know spend hundreds of thousands probably down here on their plugs throughout their whole life fixing them and new tracks and oil changes and ripping off fenders and all this stuff and then they sell it for way less than they bought it and me I'm saying if I really wanted to sell this I could probably sell it for 70 percent of what I paid for it I'm thinking anyways I feel really guilty about it they made me feel really shitty I have a lot of anxiety and just some advice would be really greatly appreciated thank you both so much unless you bought this bag and then turned around and asked them for grocery money they have no say in how you spend your money period this sounds like people that are jealous

yes that you have this bag and you're and jealous that you got an inheritance like just let them they can talk all they want like they can say whatever they want and I know it makes you feel like guilty for doing what you did which was you bought something that you wanted you work two full-time jobs like you can spend your money on whatever the fuck you want to spend your money on that's none of their goddamn business unless they are giving you money for something that's the only way it would be their business i agree i want to say i love your girl math because as a huge proponent of girl math over regular math that's the only math i can do um i didn't even like the fact that you specifically brought up like that they have

all these like snowmobiles and like uh quads and like all like that kind of shit i'm like great fucking point the resale value great fucking point and also might i add your louis baton little shoulder bag is not going to kill anybody it's not going to leave you end you up in the er you don't even have a long enough strap for there to be an act like an accident like that like these are things that people are spending money on that like yes depreciate in value but also like our act like there's active risk like you opt into a physical risk when you do them it could be also property risk like you could run into something like all of these other things like the insurance for a for a snowmobile is much more difficult than you know assumedly your

renters or homeowners insurance which would cover the material possessions and like are you this is just like there is like absolutely no logic here i would be curious not that i wish you included it but like i would ask yourself these ask yourself these questions you said there were like it was like 40 minutes eight people going in on you about this who were those people and then i would ask yourself what do they do for work who do they live with do they have kids what are their kids like and what is that because to me it is sounds like yes it's jealousy but ingrained in the sense of like if this is like women like ingrained in the sense of like women are not supposed to buy themselves nice things like this is not like you should not be putting yourself first and like

that is that is a frivolous purchase when instead you should be doing something else or is it that like would would they've had the same reaction if your partner bought it for you because like that's what i also wonder because there's something that's like well that's like that's out that's so extravagant no no no and like i've had people um who have like made comments about things that i have like specifically purses designer handbags same thing that i bought myself in the past and that i'm sorry i forgot yeah i know you told me that was like it would be like well then buy me that and it became like it's like a what like if I buy myself something nice to treat myself and this person is not subtle and it wasn't you know I didn't have to infer what

they meant and it was literally like you know I bought them like a $500 handbag and it was like well I don't want this I want I want the one that you have and it's like you don't even know the designer you don't even like that bag like you gave me shit for that bag but it's like it's just becomes like a competition and like there's that level of jealousy and they're they're detaching any of the steps that it took to get there and also any of the fucking perspective that it takes because you know i think like you don't if you don't have people that you have to provide for financially and you're and you have the disposable income everybody's going to spend that disposable income on something and if they don't spend that disposable income to me that begs a question like

i said bags because i got in your i got it whoa i was like oh my god i'm by osmosis i've taken on the accent because as soon as you said it you can't hear us well like listening to a girl but i just kept going bag like i was i was loving it um but if you have a disposable income and you like you want for nothing like let's i'm not saying that this is your circumstance whatever but like if anyone else went through all of this and they lost their dad gotten inheritance which is sad money that's not like fun good money it is like sad money and to me getting that money is not like a tax return money that is like how can i turn this thing that is like really sad and horrible and grieving um i don't want to just go into my bank account to pay for my bills once my

bills are all covered i have this left over like let me make something that reminds me of this person like let me like let me make this into something that like i treasure and i love that i know that was contributed to by this so like i think if people cannot spend money on themselves that's an issue like that becomes like well then why don't why don't you want to treat yourself like why don't you want to give something nice for you if you can only derive pleasure from people pleasing others and like oh no i'm gonna spend it on this person i'm gonna spend on this person do all of that that's not this like really virtuous like noble kind of like really big hearted person to me i'm like that is like you're a chronic crippling people pleaser that like you

should be able to treat yourself and be excited about it and so their their criticism of you is trying to get you to get back get into that mindset of that you don't deserve to do that for yourself and so that guilt shut that down so fucking fast because it will catch on you will begin to feel like that and that will trickle into other things in your life of being like well no i don't I don't deserve that and it's like well why don't you why don't you deserve that like tell me why you don't have to be doesn't be like well here's the reasons why I deserve it come up with a reason why you don't deserve it because that's it doesn't exist and this is just it's pure jealousy so I would um I would I would probably just like say like if it comes up the next time

she's like this is just such a weird conversation like so like what's up like is everything okay like do you want me to like drop a hint to your partner that like you want something like this i'd be happy to go shopping with you like vision board like i'll let you know if my second job is hiring like this is how long it took like give it like the practical aspect of it i feel like this is like causing you a lot of like grief like do you i'm sure we could find a cute dupe for you like if you love it that much like just i think when people are being stupid make them feel more stupid. All right, ready? Yes. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I would love some advice on splitting household chores with my boyfriend. I'm 23. I use she, her pronouns. My boyfriend is 24,

he, him pronouns. We've been together for two years and have lived together for seven months. And when we first moved in together, I was only working part-time. So I took on most of the household chores which I was totally fine with because I had so much free time and my boyfriend usually works 50 to 60 hours per week. In October I started full-time work 40 hours per week 100% from home and I also started a master's program that is also 100% from home and that's about 20 hours per week of studying. Before I started full-time work in school my boyfriend and I agreed that he would take on more household chores since now I'll be doing the same amount if not more work than he is um but this has not happened during the day i take breaks from work

to do quick chores like wipe down the counters or vacuum or take out the trash and i don't mind this because i need to get up from my desk and move and doing chores is productive and it makes me feel good at the end of the day but what i don't like is that i end up cooking dinner every night and it's mentally exhausting for me to take stock of what we have and plan meals and cook every night. Because my boyfriend usually gets home between 6 and 7 p.m. and because I always cook, he offers to always do the dishes. But this man will do 80% of the dishes and he'll leave the rest to soak overnight and he doesn't put any clean dishes away ever. So every morning I get up after he's already left for work and there's dirty dishes in the sink and there's a pile of clean

dishes in the drying rack and I have to deal with all this because I cook myself breakfast and lunch every day and I can't do my own dishes until I deal with his first. I don't know how to bring up this specific dishes thing to him and the overall dissatisfaction with the workload because in the past when I've asked him to do stuff he says that I'm nagging him even though it's the first time I've asked him to do something and he also says that he's just so tired from work and doesn't want to have to come home to a list of chores. I really don't feel appreciated for how much work I'm doing on top of all of my regular work and school work and it really frustrates me that he considers me asking him to do stuff around our shared apartment as nagging the other thing that

really bothers me is that I know he's capable of respecting shared spaces and being cognizant of like your own mess in these spaces because the first six months that we were dating he lived with two of his best friends and he told me that he never wanted roommate issues to affect their friendship so he was always super clean and on top of doing all his chores so it really frustrates me that he doesn't have the same attitude towards our relationship right now um any advice would be so helpful thank you so much can i just do this real quick please i'm fuming like the personification of like there's smoke and steam coming out of my ears like my muscles are burning because i'm gripping so hard i'm so mad at this yeah i'm doing a kegel

right now i wasn't that deep but my my fist is is balled up and i have prints in my nail prints in my palm oh my god i i don't want to be like reddit and just be like divorce it's like you're you know you're together in a relationship so it's not divorce in that sense but like break up um but uh because i do think that this is a very common problem but and i think i think it's a common and unfortunately persistent yet fixable problem and i think it fucking sucks to have to do like um emotional labor or have to like i think having to parent your partner out of needing to parent them still fucking sucks like it's a means to an end but like i don't love that it's kind of common that it's like the TikTok sound like somebody cooked here. And it's like

the only person who should have cooked there is your mother. That's the only person who should have cooked there. I don't want any other girlfriend to have been like, oh, he's well, he's he's been broken in. He's house trained because he had another girlfriend who had to put all of this work in to get him to that point. So like just because it's a common thing doesn't mean that it doesn't fucking suck. But I really don't like his outlook and response. I don't know how fixable that outlook and response is i think slipping into specifically depending if he grew up in a household where it was uh he had a mom around and even if he had like grandmothers around if he had like women in his life who were older than him who did a lot of the work and if he had uh

brothers or whether had sisters but didn't grow up with the sisters like if you're not in the house with like a girl your age if you were just kind of the boys and the babies I think it's pretty common for men to be really used to women taking care of them without even realizing that that's what's going on. And the realization of that by pointing it out, which again, we shouldn't even be in that position, should be one that is often and usually met with like embarrassment and shame and uh a desire to fix it and it might not be it doesn't necessarily get fixed overnight but if you want to put the work into a relationship where you have a partner who's like not carrying their weight it's like okay so do i do i drop this relationship or if

you don't want to you want to put the work in and it's like they're not they can't clean like and it's just like i'm finding myself i'm just taking over because they're not fucking doing it you sit there and you tell it is like you either take on that task yourself which isn't what you should not be doing or you repeatedly correct them until they do it and that should be something that might be met with again embarrassment and like a little bit of shame and like uh you know and i will say like i love moths to absolute death but like i get on him at the dishes like the dishes are his thing i don't like wet mess that is like i have a really hard time with it and i don't like the feeling of rubber gloves on my hands so he does dishes he also does the 80 thing which i'm like

okay whatever like that's something that like i'm not bothered by because i'm not cooking or using the dishes in there at that time there's dishes in the sink i'm gonna wait until you fix them before i'm making anything like whatever that is but like if i would stand behind him and be like no you missed a spot here and he'd be like okay we'll just i'm gonna fix it but like i don't i'm gonna feel embarrassed if you look at all these like i want to fix this like this is my bad like i didn't do the dishes my glasses on like i should have and like i'm mortified i don't even want you to see i'm gonna assume the other dishes are bad i don't even want you to see it i'm gonna clean up the whole kitchen and i'll come back but to kind of just double down

in the sense of like there's no embarrassment there's no shame it's just no this is i don't want to do it i don't want to do it i'm not going to do it there he doesn't have any embarrassment or shame in how he's conducting himself here and that's something that i don't know how fixable it is right because like i think he's seeing you working from home as still you being at home and not as a job also you going to school he's not taking that seriously and then because you're doing chores in between working then he is also seeing that as like oh she can do whatever she wants while she's at home what I would do but I'm sure you don't want to do because you want to get on top of things is, um, I wouldn't work like chores are still work regardless. So like you're

taking a break from your paying job, but you're still doing work. You're not actually taking a break. I would personally stop doing that, those chores during the working paid hours and school work hours and then that way he can see how much of a actual mess it is when he comes home and then when he comes home he can see all that because you've been busy working all day just like he has you've been you spend 40 hours at work in 20 hours in your master's program he's working 50 to 60 hours it's the same amount of time so like if you stop doing that then I think that he might be able to visualize it more that there's a lot more housework that is going on because it's like for him it's like he comes home and just sees dirty dishes and thinks that's the starting

point and that's not the starting point because you've been working doing chores throughout the day um but this infuriates me so much um and i think maybe just having i know he said he doesn't want to come home to a list of chores maybe have a a a chore list that you have at the beginning of the week so then it's not he's not coming home to it it's already there yeah and then everybody can mark off what they're doing i like like we can sit down together and we'll come up with the list together but it's not like something that you're giving to him because making that list is also doing chores that is another chore that is something that y'all should be doing together because you are in a shared space yeah so like i'm not gonna lie and say that like this this is

this is still like a point of not a point of contention but like this is like i will still have to remind mods like when we were getting ready for christmas i'd like so much to like i'm like we've got so much to do and so much to clean and i look over and he's like emptied out these like boxes that are in our like hallway and he's like well i just want to reorganize it so it looks nice and i went nobody's looking there like clean the cat like clean the countertop like come on like let's just do this like i can i can totally understand like getting that but the the difference there is that i'm not nagging he does not think that it is nagging and uh immediately there is oh shit you're right that was a bad call let me fix this let me not do that again and uh let me

be proactive in all of these things and there is zero zero attitude it is only progress not like this kind of pushback and that's like a thing like i do think it's unfortunate that like it takes a long time like it takes like a long time when um if you've kind of had like split and i also didn't grow up in a clean house so like i when i moved out on my own like that was it was like my responsibility only and like i also don't know how to ask people for help but also it's not even asking people for help so like there is a learning curve even from your side of it too of like what you're comfortable with what you're not comfortable with and i think it regardless of any relationship the divvying of um responsibilities and the mental load

no matter how progressive you were raised or someone does everything right like it's going you're gonna have to figure each other out you're gonna have to kind of go through that but you have to be equal partners like he's not even trying to participate in this like he doesn't even this is a problem that he doesn't even see as a it's not a problem to him because like it's getting done and so it's just what fucking ever and i think that like that level of disrespect is a big issue and i would bring that up in the conversation like i think that's incredibly disrespectful to call me nagging when we live in this shared space when you have when you had roommates you didn't want that to affect a friendship but this is affecting our relationship

so your fear of coming across as nagging to me is i would call it an orange flag that he has gotten in your head and in your ear that you also then think it is nagging when you're talking to us you know you're having some you're like well it's not you know it's not nagging because it's a shared place but the fact that you don't even know how to bring it up to him without you then thinking that you will be the villain in the circumstance or situation i think that's a big problem like this i don't i don't like that and i would also on top of what melissa said like you just you need to stop doing those things like you need to stop cleaning and stop doing those things and like you might have to live in absolute mess and disgust and you might hate it and it might not be good

for your mental health but i unfortunately i do think you need to do it for a little bit doesn't mean that he's going to change but it might all it it's either going to change him or it will change how you view him and that will be what you need i would stop cooking dinner i would make yourself something if you have an air fryer something like that like pick an appliance that you use like get buy a bunch of like frozen trader joe's meals whether that's like a microwave or you put them in the oven making yourself whatever something like that where it's like a singular dish yeah and he comes home from work and you've made yourself your own you you've made yourself a chicken tiki masala from trader joe's that you heated up in the microwave and that that's what

that and he has nothing there's no food there for him he didn't start dinner like he does not get to he does not get to critique uh you for asking him to participate and then reap all the benefits of your participation in the relationship yeah because like you just made that well instead of you know doing the other chores that you're doing you made that during one of your breaks and you're going to eat it and then go back and do your homework and i would throw like i would throw the trash away in like a garbage can outside like do all the like he does not get to benefit from like a full trash can so it needs to not impede on your life in any way that it can't so like you know don't let the trash can fill up inside you know take the extra couple seconds to go outside

like it feels really like over the top and extra but the the time and energy that like the the mental aspect of this of like feeling disrespected by your partner is so much more layered than feeling disrespected by a roommate or a friend because it's like you're i see how you yes and i see how you treat other people and then like you want to fucking raw dog this like are you kidding me i also would not be having sex with him um but like if he wants naggy bitch wife then he can have naggy bitch wife but then naggy bitch wife you then then you get to reap the benefits of being naggy bitch wife so then what you don't have a job he funds everything and um you have like an endless credit card limit and you're bugging him for more money and like you

live in this mansion and you've got all of these people and working there if he wants to if he wants to put those in those if he wants to put you both in those roles first of all you have to agree to it but he needs to be he needs to be he needs to be giving you something so you have absolutely everything there's nothing you want for and all you want is more more more there you go there you can be a naggy bitch wife exactly exactly if he if that's the rules he says that you are where's your allowance right like what's he bringing to the table in all of like what does he think he's bringing to the table so i would also like have a list like i did this with mods before where um again cleaning is like i didn't grow up in a clean house so like cleaning is

something that like i have to constantly think about being on top of and like i'll do research because i'm like you know i'm embarrassed i don't know how to clean a lot of things like i didn't know how to do laundry for a long time and then i my apartment caught on fire because um it was installed wrong and so then that was a traumatic issue no it wasn't but that was like that was the time that i was learning how to do laundry for the first time um and so i was like oh damn this is not boding well um but like we sat down and i i wrote down i asked him i was like write down everything that you do chores related around the house and i'll write down everything that i do and very quickly as he's writing it he goes i'm let's come back to this in a little bit because

i'm the fact that i'm having a hard time thinking past like these certain couple things that don't happen daily like i'm i'm gonna i need to work on this more and i'm like well i also need to work on these other things there but you're not a partnership or a unit right now it is like you versus him and that is a really difficult spot to get out of when someone is totally fine with that dynamic. What's his relationship like with his mom or whoever raised him? Any woman that raised him in his life? All right, we're going to take a break. we're back from our break did we spend the break shit talking that man even more yes yes we did some of the things i said should not be on recording some of the things you said

were things that you would have said three years ago yeah but we've we've evolved a little bit yeah we've changed yeah we've grown we've matured i'm making i'm so healthy all right uh do you want to read it you want me to read it oh let me open that i can read it hi m&m i have lots of i have lots of co-worker problems exclamation point i love the uh enthusiasm though this is the same just for uh clarity this is the same person that wrote in about the weight loss talk at their job oh my god that was already enough of a problem and we've got more maybe maybe a new job okay um this is about people i met at work but i don't work with i have a friend group at work that i do happy hours with we are 23 to 25 and started our jobs at the same time we lunch together in the

break room most days and other people often join us a few months ago 29 year old ron started sitting with us he became close with xander a member of the group xander started inviting him to happy hours i can tell ron thinks we are close and i don't like it a few weeks ago ron told me that he had a falling out with his friends since then he's been trying to fit into my friend he's been trying to fit my friend group into that gap last monday ron asked xander to add him to the group chat oh faux pas xander created a new group chat with ron apparently ron was annoyed wait i'm sorry xander created a new group chat with ron xander's a xander's a real one yeah xander plays both sides yeah xander went i'm doing this because i gotta but i know the vibes apparently ron was

annoyed that xander didn't add him to the pre-existing group chat oh my god on thursday karaoke starts at nine the group was busy until later xander couldn't go around eight ron texts us asking when we are getting to karaoke what the fuck i assume xander must have told him about karaoke and given him the wrong time everyone arrives around 10 ron i've been waiting there for two hours pretty rude of xander to tell him the wrong time right well we need to teach xander to be a little bit more direct. Xander's doing the passive-aggressive. Yeah.

I'm just trying to subtly hint that I don't want to be friends with this person. Oh, so Ron had been waiting for two hours. Pretty rude of Xander to tell him the wrong time, right? Wrong. Xander didn't even tell Ron about karaoke. We were jumping ahead. Ron asked Xander what we were doing on Thursday,

and Xander said the girlies might be going out. This is how I know I like Xander. And when you refer, you know, we are the girlies. then without texting anyone for clarification ron drove to the karaoke place he heard us mention before without knowing what time to get there and waited two hours for us to arrive how do we ditch this stalker without him reacting badly i'm glad we're calling it what it is that he is a stalker or he just needs friends well as somebody who also needs friends um you don't go around stalking and if i did i would highly appreciate if i was put into my place so i didn't do that again so

therefore i might actually get closer to making friends yeah um and also i feel like ron has put himself in his own place because you just go somewhere and assume people are arriving at a time and now you're waiting for two hours on a thursday after after after 30 minutes i would have been gone why are you i i do feel a little bit for ron because ron obviously um is lonely and wants to be part of a group so do i get in line wrong can can you let me finish yeah i can i can hopefully ron is lonely and wants to be part of a group but ron needs to realize that this isn't how we go about making friends when ron saw that he was added to or maybe ron didn't even realize that maybe ron thought he was being added to the big group but was just added you know

they created a new group in order of ron but no one's actually talking in that group and ron thinks that he's in the main group he's just sending memes where is everyone and then part of me is like i i realized that that ron is you know being a little stalkerish but y'all are being kind of meanish too because you're not including ron in things i don't think ron is i don't think people like ron i understand that uh but like there's also like a little bit of mean girly stuff going on here totally i think when someone tries to be like is is too overly friendly and too overly comfortable for me that is like i get my like very defensive kind of things i'm like i really don't like that in a sense of like a group kind of setting i like people who i can have like

individual conversations with where it's like oh i feel like i've known you forever but like i don't like slipping into that in like a into a group setting because it also like then people aren't even going to get to know you because you're just trying to skip ahead to where they are but they don't know anything about you so i can understand the defensive defensiveness there um but yeah sorry i cut you off yeah ron you know you mentioned writer that you ron had a falling out with his other friends and he's trying to fill the gap with y'all that's why being friends with people you work with is tricky um because there's always going to be someone that feels like they're being left out of like a clique which essentially y'all are let's just call it what it

is it is a clique that ron wants to be part of but he can't sit with y'all like this is the epitome of that like he he doesn't fit in with the group and he wants friends and y'all don't want him to be your friend yeah i think if you want to be like above and beyond so nice um ask him to like lunch like maybe just one on one and like get see if you like him as i go get to know in person like take him out of the trying to infiltrate the group dynamic and see like okay let me actually give this guy a chance he might be very clunky of making hasn't done this in a long time maybe also like he was in a fraternity or did like some sort of like academic kind of group so then you join the group and you're like oh built-in friends this is a friend like that's

kind of a dynamic he might be used to or a big family similarly like you just you just fit right in um so i would like the nicest thing the nicest way to go about i would say is you hang out with him one-on-one if you think he's like creepy um don't do this and or if you like don't do that at all um and then i'd have a conversation with everybody that like this is really making me uncomfortable and then you might have to have a conversation with hr uh but i think like if it's not that you can give him like what a chance where it's like just getting to know him and then being like does this person does this person want to be friends with me or does this person want to have a friend group because like that's a good way to tell if someone is actually interested in asking

about you and getting to know you better and then sharing things about themselves so you can get to know better. But you haven't included anything really about that. So like I could see where it's like it just feels like you just were just filling a slot for something and like there is no meaningful friendship here. And then that also makes the rest of the group not want to hang out together if you're constantly if he's constantly infiltrating it. And so then it affects your friendship so i think the nice thing to do is like to give him an opportunity and a chance to be like maybe this is just a clunky way of going about it and if not then i do think if that doesn't go well i do think ultimately it is um this is this is xander's responsibility

xander was being nice but um you know some when you already have a friend group and the dynamics are kind of set it's hard to bring a new person in yeah and if you bring in a new person who's like that's not the vibe it is your job as the person who brought them in to then remove the person because also like it's xander like doesn't it doesn't seem like um i wonder like if it's that kind of friendship where some people are like that where i'm like do you even like each like i feel like it's an obligation hang out and some people are like that and i'm so not and i find like a lot of men are like that not i don't even know if these are men but specifically i was gonna to say Mott has like not not now but like they're like some people where I'm like you don't have to

like you know hang out with them or like go go see them like if you don't like really like them as like that's just they're taking up space and time and capacity in your life for friends when like you're not really friends like it's kind of just like this obligation sort of a thing um and that's a really hard dynamic to then bring into a friend group that's not like that yeah even in like my college friend group some of us now like we were like a group of people and some of us now are like sectioned off like we're only we only talk to like certain people from from like we only talk to certain people and it was funny because like even when me and CJ and Sarah got together um over Christmas like me and Sarah have this whole different friendship than

like me and CJ have a whole different friendship for like CJ didn't know about like some of the things that me and sarah were up to in college because we had like a different branch of our friendship um and then there's other people like i don't even talk to them anymore but like if we were all together in the same place we're all like we're all friends but like they're just not people that i'm close to anymore because like dynamics are different with different people so yeah i agree like maybe get to know see if you can learn or um get to learn more about ron one-on-one if you don't like who he is one-on-one then that's different xander's got to fix this yeah and if he's not interested in really being friends with you one-on-one like or interested in you as a

person like i think that's like a boot then that's not that's not what we're looking for i just can't imagine this man spending that much time on a thursday night like you have work tomorrow you're gonna see these people tomorrow right also but here's the thing imagine if he was like fantastic at karaoke i would go you could join the fucking group like if he just like he came out with like i don't know something crazy i remember when we got our nails done that one time and they were having a full karaoke for the next next door but it wasn't like people that karaoke bar they just no they just like to do karaoke and the people working there were like please stop like they were all rolling their eyes i know they're like they do that uh they just do

And I was like, it's just like a slow day in that other establishment. So the employees do carry out, like, I kind of love that vibe. Yeah. Hey, Megan and Melissa, long time listener here. I, she heard 26, wrote in last year for, but am I wrong about my sister Robin? She heard 23 and Ted, he, him, is now 26. He invited himself to my graduation after only dating my sister for a couple months. Thank you for validating my feelings and for your thoughts on the situation, by the way.

My family put their foot down and said that he couldn't come, which turned into a whole same capacity story for another time. I'm calling because they're still somewhat together after a year, and I'm really struggling with being there for my sister when I really hate this dude. Ted started an intensive program in another state to go into the medical field this past fall and has been very busy in class and studying. And because of this, he's been treating Robin pretty terribly, telling her that the thought of her and them being in a relationship stresses him out too much, that she just needs to focus on herself and forget him and then ask her to come visit the next day really playing around with her feelings she repeatedly drops everything to drive and see him but he's only made the drive twice for her and complained about it the entire time in the span of two months he essentially broke up with her three times and now they're not

officially together but still act like boyfriend girlfriend and have the promise that they'll be together once his two more years of this program are over i have a lot of issues with how he's been treating not only her but he's been disrespectful to myself and our mom and i've brought this up with robin multiple times and she just explains it away making an excuse that he's distressed and that he's been getting better which i don't think he has if he improves on one issue a new one comes up soon after just last week something really horrible and traumatic happened to us and instead of comforting her and trying to help he blamed robin for the situation and made her feel like he was judging her and that she was a horrible person and it took an

entire day for him to come around and be supportive never apologizing for what he said previously I honestly thought that they were going to break up for good recently but it didn't happen now he's become more clingy and controlling calling her all the time talking about marriage and proposing when six months ago he was very adamant that he never wanted to get married I recently moved states to live with my sister primarily because she asked me to and I want to be there for her and be happy for her but I just don't know how to do that when I think that he's a total asshole and now with the talk of them being more serious I'm worried that I won't be able to get along with him and that she's going to choose him over her

family because literally none of them like him he's supposed to visit soon for the weekend and I don't think I can be around him without speaking my mind so I'm trying to make plans not to be around but I can't do that forever and I don't feel like I should have to avoid my home because if he's there. And it's just something I've always been really close and I don't want to let some guys get a wedge between us,

but I don't know what to do. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be much appreciated. Thank you. I have different advice than I would normally give. Go for it. So normally in these things,

we say like, you know, someone's in a toxic relationship to like, I've always said, like, say your thing once, the person will always remember that you've said it, but the more that you pester on it or dwell on it you push that person farther away from you and into the arms of that horrible person

this is your sister though um and i don't know if she i think it's older or is it right older sister i mean yeah and the whole family doesn't like him and she has been forthcoming with to you about their issues and his things from the start of this and she has not stopped despite the fact that like your family doesn't like him like you you guys have like expressed that so I'm I don't think that you're in danger of saying something that will push her to him then like but I do think that your fear of that she will choose him over the family if he proposes and does all these empty promises I think that's a legitimate fear I don't think there's anything you could I don't think if you say what I'm telling you to say right now I don't

think that's going to push her to him um and if it does she was already oh it was always going to end up that way but like i think you need to sit down with her and be like this he's coming you said this weekend so by the time that this is out it's already happened so like i'm assuming you're she's not going to see him for a little bit i would sit down with her not in front of like your parents and not in front of anybody else and just be like i i need to i would tell her ahead of time be like hey i need to have like a serious conversation with you are you free at this time on this day um and if not let me know i but it needs to be done quickly and sit down with her and just be like i'm coming from a place of love and this is going to sound really really harsh

but just know that it is coming from a place of love and i would hope to fucking god if it was the roles were reversed i expect this out of you as a sister for me i expect this out of my friends and I would be livid with myself and I would be livid with you if those roles were reversed and you did not do what I'm about to do because I hope that you love me. And I would tell her with love,

this is so fucking embarrassing. Like this man is so shitty. He treats you like shit. He's repeatedly treated you like shit. And at this point, I'm worried that you start to think of yourself like shit. And as somebody who knows you're not shit and knows that you're a great person

and knows what you bring to the table and know how awesome you are, I'm starting to wonder if that person is gone. I'm starting to wonder if you would rather be with this guy who treats you like absolute shit than to acknowledge that you're an amazing person and to acknowledge all of the great things that you have. And I am having a hard time processing moving our relationship, knowing that you're going through this and like knowing that he's doing this to you over and over and over again and if i had a fucking boyfriend that was treating me like this if you didn't sit me down and say snap the fuck out of it like you are accepting not even breadcrumbs you're accepting like less than

fucking nothing and you're gonna throw your whole fucking life away to be miserable for the rest of your life for this like crusty ass man if you didn't stop me i would hate you like i would fucking hate you you need to i would i want you to expect more of me and i expect so much more of you in this instance like he has treated you like shit over and over again this is the same pattern we know where this is going and yes this is all on him but at this point I'm wondering like what the fuck are you doing like what is going on here like we need to figure this out and like I'm here ready like I'm fucking ready for it like to find you someone else like go out with other people to like move into a new apartment like for a clean break like I'm here to support you

through all of this I know it's going to take it might take years for you to feel like you can get back on your feet you might feel like all these other things like i'm not going to leave you i'm not going to abandon you i'm going to do this with you i can't say the same for this guy this guy's not going to be there for you through be there with you through thick and thin and that includes marriage that includes if you want to have kids childbirth like i'm going to be there for you through fucking all of this and i've been there for you through him i've been there for like for you but pre him this is like we are fucking for lifers we are blood like this is this is our life this is this is we're in this together and he's not a fucking part of it and we can do so much

better and i promise you like we're gonna fucking work on that and we're i'm we're gonna transform your life and this is gonna be amazing you're gonna look back on yourself and be like what like where was my self-confidence where was my self-worth why did i accept that kind of behavior because i as your sister cannot sit stand by and see your future flashing in front of my eyes and be cool with that like i'm just not fucking cool with that and that we have to change this and like there's no other option this man's a piece of shit he knows he's a piece of shit and he knows that your sister makes him better and that's why he keeps breaking up with her because he knows i'm a piece of shit i don't deserve her but then when they're not talking or they're not doing

anything together he's like i'm even more of a piece of shit i gotta get back with her to make me look better and that's the his thought process and your sister does not know her worth she doesn't know that there's other people that will that are out there that will treat her well that will be better for her that um don't look at her as someone that will complete them but as someone that will uplift them and take them to a different level like she doesn't get any of that and it's been over a year now at this point they've broken up numerous times she needs a cold dose of reality and that's you know exactly what Megan was proposing because at this point it's not that like you know it takes seven times for somebody to leave an abusive relationship she's already

been left well over that yeah like now you got to move into the next steps into like you know like this this is what's happening like there's no more playing nice there's no more and I've had to go through with this with somebody that I knew too that I had to be very upfront and not and you know stop giving them space because they just were not getting it yeah you have to snap the fuck out of it yeah yeah and so being talking to her like really being upfront and being honest and and like sharing how you feel and like if you need your mom with you to do it too like more power to both of y'all but like you've got to do something i think like a sister to sister thing like if a friend of mine tells me like this you're being embarrassing the way i collect myself so

fast there's dust in the background like that to me is like that's a grounding statement this is really embarrassing like this is really embarrassing i i it will snap me out of anything it will snap me out of anything like this is like it the way that he has made her feel like this is like so um normal again to the point where she's like just talking about it you know all of these intricacies in this and i do think her asking you to move in with her is uh is the subconscious thing of she needs she needs you to ground her and in this case ground her is like like you said like a cold hard reality check and sometimes grounding is like building a fucking fence up and being like this guy is not coming back because also him saying two years he's actively telling

her hey i'm gonna settle for you in a couple years he's fucking other people he's hooking up he's doing whatever he wants and he's telling her i'm i'm going to settle for you if i don't find anything that i need better in this time period and she's looking at it as he is setting up for our future he's getting ready he's doing all of these things like that's not what he's doing and he's he's being so transparent why does he need to wait two years to get better that doesn't make any sense and he tells her like focus on yourself this is like i really should be doing like no this is i want to i'm gonna hook up with other people and i'm gonna treat some other people like shit and i'm gonna continue to be a piece of shit but like just out of your eyesight

but you wait for me and you focus on yourself because it's about you you don't you you need you need help it's not me no i need two years until so i can see how much you've improved so then i can i can actually lock it down because he's baiting her with being like well maybe you know getting marriage and all of those things he's saying you've got two years to make yourself into someone that i want to settle down with when that in reality he's two years and maybe maybe i'll settle for you after i've already fucked around and done all of this shit and i want to make sure i can still treat you like shit for two years so i know i can continue to treat you like shit for the rest of our lives maybe uh play this call let her know that it's not just you

that that some total like you love her so much that you needed to call into some strangers just to get a different perspective and this is what they thought yeah and you don't even want to cut her off like you want to make sure how you say it in the way that like maintains this relationship between you and her because you know that you're not wrong about him you know and never it's gonna end up the same way and she's gonna be hurt and you want to you want to be there for her regardless of how much it hurts you in the process yeah like that's fucking love and your partner should love you that much and he doesn't all right well death to men sorry please give us an update keep us keep us in on the loop of how this keeps transpiring all right that's the end of the episode we hope

you all enjoyed uh if you did you can always leave us a review we appreciate that so much and you can call in or write in for an upcoming episode using all the things we said at the very beginning and check out our cute new website it's looking real cute don't blame me dot show yeah that's the url um and as always you can join our patreon we always love uh to hang out with you all on live streams but you can also just watch the video versions of the podcast or you can just support the show keep those lights on and then if you uh get in there with uh the live stream we also let you into our circle for playing monopoly go which is its own thing yeah don't you want to be bankrupt by melissa before 9 a.m and then we have to like apologize we're like so sorry

everybody we're trading we're trading we're trading um stickers sticker i was like is it called stickers i forgot yeah they're stickers we're completing albums we're doing the challenge like we're having a grand old time and there's a literal group chat that we have specifically about monopoly this is obviously our episode that comes out on monday but we do have episodes on tuesday thursday and friday as well so tomorrow we have our see you next tuesday episode it's a good one um we break down what is about to be the cinema masterpiece of not only february but the year of the year i'm so ready for it no i'm so it can't come soon enough i know you know i couldn't figure out what i wanted to do for my birthday maybe this is what we do we just invite the

girlies over and then watch it and have a good time it's gonna be so good um and then we have our podcast but am i wrong on thursday where we talk about we talk shit ethically it's a great time it's wonderful you'll enjoy it i promise and then on friday we have the episode where we read the results which if you don't know what that means it's part of the thing from from our but of my wrong episodes it's a component of that um and it's a great time we make fisting analogy allegories analogies words well i hope you enjoyed don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d months plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz

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