Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Help With Sex

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Making your own friends Moving on from a bad friendship but she's your boyfriend's sister Not enjoying sex Tired of being a bridesmaid Don't Blame Them: Talking to your red-state of mind family members (From Episode My Friend's Friends Don't Treat Me Like a Friend - 3/25/2024) Sex Toy Recs: The Rose Heartthrob The Snail Book Rec: Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. oh my gosh hi are we recording on everything we're recording on everything we're going and guess where we are back back back again together together together exactly we're in person she just touched my knee and then waved it on her leg like ew germs big day for us big day for everybody big day for you big day for me big day for the listeners but more specifically big day for the visual watchers the patreon yeah everybody who sees us together for the first time since we believe september i cannot actually confirm nor deny that because what i know for fact is that i went to janelle monae concert on october 18th i believe 17th or 18th and that was

the beginning of the end for the both of us i got sick yeah then you got sick then it was like thanksgiving and i left like the first week of december so yeah it was an ordeal and that was the the long sickness that we both got yeah and then i got covet again oh yeah yeah um a mess and now it's march i actually cannot be held accountable for what has happened between january march because like like we said the new year just started yeah but also i was gone again yeah like three weeks four weeks i think oh exactly yeah yeah i hope we're defending ourselves against nobody like nobody is like what where have you been like we've been still just doing this we've just been doing it yeah we literally still talk every single day every

single day like i don't even realize time has passed but i got to give you your birthday present time yes which was fun it was so exciting it was uh the film set barbies and they stole your name and like this is actually a little too tall though she is too tall but i did look into if someone ever customizes existing barbies to make them shorter um and it doesn't look like they do and i assume that's probably because it would be melting down like toxic gases of like their barbie legs to like make them shorter yeah so they could just swap out those like skipper legs oh true maybe i should get into that customizing barbies hey that shit's fun um so yeah this is uh our podcast this is don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and

it's not our only show that we have we also have a show that comes out on tuesday called see you next tuesday where we hang out catch up we talk about things i have a whole list of just bullet points of stuff and then we have a break for you on wednesday then thursday we come to you with but am i wrong where we ethically talk shit and gossip and um give our solicited and sometimes unsolicited opinions and feedback on other people's lives and their existence and then we offer you the same opportunity because you get to you get to throw your input in in our voting segment which then we read the results of on fisting friday we give you so much don't ever say we didn't give you give you the world we're givers our heart yeah our mind whatever is there

of it my soul is just for me yeah i don't i don't fuck around with other people messing with my soul everything else up for grabs no my soul is my property yeah and are you getting very close to that? Nuh-uh. So yeah, we have different ways you can participate in this podcast. So you can call in, leave us a voicemail, or you can also write in with an email or send us a voice memo to our email address. The email address is meganpodcast at gmail.com. And the phone number is 310-694-0976. And you got to keep the voice memos and calls under three minutes. And for the written version, 300 words or less for everything 18 or over have your parents permission it's all anonymous so use fake names please let us know your age you can let us know your pronouns if you would like

and because it's anonymous come up with the fake names and please don't make them related unless they're supposed to be related as in siblings don't give like my name is monica and ross and like i'm monica my boyfriend is ross gross gross because we will pick up on the subtext that you want us to know that this is your brother and it's a brother fucker situation so um yeah and we always say let us know if you're sensitive we will take that in mind but give us as many details as possible because without that we could we could jump to the wrong conclusions and we want to jump to the right conclusions sometimes or sometimes we don't want to jump at all we just want the drama honestly sometimes i i just say let's see what happens give the drama like i would i would like

really kill for some calls like that or like some write-ins like that soon like especially we're getting to like spring break time oh we are in spring break time we are yeah i don't know anyone on spring break i know a lot of people that just have spring break i feel like southern spring break starts a little earlier i don't know because hurricane season i'm not in the hurricane area well no not now the the i see what you mean like the beach yeah the beach people yeah but um miami said don't come oh well miami kind of always says that yeah but they legit made like a psa said spring breakers don't come here permanently yes they said you're dead to us yes they said don't break here yeah you know miami if you're a miami person you you either are you aren't and

like as someone who's not a miami person i just like cannot fathom that every person who's like a spring breaker is like no no me and miami mesh well like i just know that miami's not meshing well with you back i became a miami person because my friend sarah lived there okay um while she was finishing up med school i think that's what she was doing something with med school at the end of her med school stuff they do a lot of stuff yeah and i feel like i had more of like a local experience as opposed to miami spring breaker or miami weekend type yeah thing we have fun we did a lot of artsy stuff i loved the tacos when i was there yeah the food the cuban food amazing if you go to the right places the vibe is great um but i've never done miami like flew out miami

i support anyone getting flewed out me too but i just haven't had that experience me neither and if someone tried to flew me out to miami i would actually say flew me out somewhere else that's just like i think there's a lot of expectations if you go get flewed out to miami without a doubt and like i just am like vehemently against going to a club with high humidity like that's just like it is not fucking conducive to like an already sweaty environment and then i'm supposed to be near men who are already sweating in this environment but then it's humid i have to smell them in the air from miles away yeah and the cologne mixed with the bo i actually am like so against that but luckily a lot of places are just open like they're yeah at a pool or

beach or something yeah at least in my in my experience i think it's also because we have vegas that it's like at least that one's dry one time i got fingered in vegas and that is not a unique experience and that is why i tell everybody if you are going to a pool party or a foam party you need to be on birth control because liquids carry through the other liquids this was a nighttime party it was not it was at a pool it was the same night i think i've told this story before same night that bruno mars got arrested for having coke and it was before he was like really faint like you knew his name but he like you knew a song or two by him but he wasn't really famous yet um rihanna was there as well there's some dude that i don't couldn't tell you

couldn't pick him out of a crowd today but we were dancing he did some like dancing with the stars type flipping me over things and i was like you're by derrick huff he was a brown man i'm telling the mormon he was a brown man okay he wasn't white well yeah no hopefully that did prevent him from being a mormon because sometimes they get him sometimes so i was just saying it wasn't derrick and he's a fully grown adult usually they don't get they don't get him through adulthood yeah and it was a good time as it should be every night that we went out and had a new dude.

I was just picturing like Bruno Mars before being famous getting arrested. I would be like, get that child out of handcuffs. Like, he didn't do anything wrong.

He's just a kid. And then you're like, oh no, that's actually a fully grown adult. And that's, that will be Bruno Mars. One of the, the voices

of our generation. I hold different standards for different people. Yeah. Anyways, that's, that's the intro to the show. And we have all

write-ins today so we will be reading for you you're ready to hear our voices a lot first up hi megan and melissa i'm writing with a slight update but also looking for more advice i am 25 she her and i had called in in the episode when to call it quits from november 28th 2022 about living alone i just listened to my call and it actually made me emotional to hear how sad and discouraged i sounded i now live with my boyfriend and i'm so much less lonely day to day i also had job change since then, which was the root of a lot of my stress and loneliness. Underpaid, no benefits, long hours, architecture firm. Anyways, what I'm struggling with now is making friends that are my own. I have been living in a quote unquote new city since the summer of 2022

and have both my boyfriend and a roommate from college that were my initial reasons for moving. Right now, I don't feel like I have any friends of my own that aren't connected to my roommate. I even met my boyfriend through this friend. I hang out with her one-on-one or I hang out with a group that also involves her and her friends. Even as I get a little closer to these people, I still view them as her friends. I can't help but feel like all my eggs are in one basket and my whole social life revolves around this one friend. Do you have any advice for branching out and making new friends in your 20s? I know this is the age old question, lol. Also, I've been listening for so long, but just finally joined the Patreon. I'm so looking forward to

joining the next live stream. Also very nervous. Love you guys. And I hope you're enjoying the sunnier evenings. Oh my God, we are. I'm enjoying the sunnier evening. I'm not. One thing we don't agree on we would have agreed up until this year yeah i'm just gonna peer pressure you into actually i think you need to peer pressure me so we can start the podcast earlier yeah that'd be great yeah also you should be nervous about the patreon don't listen to her she's lying i haze everyone as soon as they come in but don't you don't have to participate in whatever she's doing and it's all out of love and everyone else will carry carry it on if you don't if you're like i'm a little nervous we'll change the subject don't worry don't be stressed join just joking

it's a good time don't be nervous just jump in and jump out some people don't turn the cameras on and then i say who's new here yeah i always know who's new but i just give people a chance to introduce themselves yeah and it's never the first thing that we say like we give you a little like a bit to like warm up to the personalities and then you get the stage yeah like i'm fucking quitting i can't okay so what do you go so i don't know i guess like my i know it's not the advice you're asking but like i don't think that like i do kind of think this is how making friends goes like and i think like once we're out of school we think that we should be doing these things that are like so wildly independent but a lot of times like the friends you make in school

it's because like your other friend knows them from like i remember in middle school a lot of the friends i made it was i made one friend and then these were their friends from elementary school then I introduced them to my friends from elementary school and then like we all continued on being friends so I think like if the barrier is you're having a hard time like becoming closer friends with them because you feel like you're an outsider like you're not actually pursuing like a deeper friendship with them but I don't think that I just think like friends of your own is kind of like a it's not always like the most I don't know like a realistic in a way that like a lot of the time everyone I know who knows everyone else a lot of people met through other

people yeah my friend avia she and i went to college together and we knew each other and we were friendly with each other but we weren't like friends friends in college when we we both lived in la and i knew we knew each other were here so we reached out to like hang out with each other and stuff and she said at my birthday party last year um she was like you're like you felt like the first like friend friend that i had that wasn't part with my boyfriend because her boyfriend is he lived in Arkansas but he's originally from here oh and so like a lot of people that she was becoming friends with was because of him yeah and so um I think it's just kind of doing things that you like to do if you want your own friends doing things that you like to do

independent of your other friends so like going to I don't know if you have any hobbies but doing those hobbies where you don't necessarily like know anyone else there and you make friends like my friend katherine we met by we both went to like an arkansas razorback watch party here in la so and and alex too sorry i know he actually listens katherine doesn't listen i have a job so does her husband alex but he listens yeah then i'm you're probably listening Alex sorry I didn't but I met both of them at an Arkansas watch party and so that was something that I went to where I would go to those all the time where I didn't know anybody there but it was something I was interested in and then you get to meet people that are like like-minded there

are people there that they they Catherine and Alex kind of like fought to be my friend I was just like why are we messaging on Facebook can we like text messages and stuff I was like they're weird but i love them they're like two of my best best best best friends now and um but they're and then like once we got to know each other then we realized like we had the same mentality they were friends where i could just go sit on the couches and then we started talking shit about the other people we didn't like there and you know that really bonds people together i'm trying to think of other things like when i go horseback riding everybody's so nice and they want to be friends but my roster is pretty full right now but if i wanted to be friends with them i could

swine don't bring those people around me when i went in uh santa barbara it was like three generations of mother her quote-unquote childhood that she was the same age as me yeah and then they had and then she had a little girl too and they were like tech because they took pictures on their phone and they sent it to me and then they were texting like how's everything going how's the wedding blah blah like nice stuff like that if i wanted to keep that relationship up i could have we could have been friends i've gone to like meetups i find meetups on tiktok all the time of people doing shit i go to those i found one recently that was an art one i'm gonna start going there oh yeah that's fun i would also say like workout classes like i've i've had people

who like and this sounds like they try and be friends in a workout class and i'm just like unfortunately this is just not the arena for for me i am like i have to get out of my sweaty clothes immediately i like don't want to i can't go get coffee with you um but then after a workout no i know a lot it's a lot for me like your heart rate's already up and then you're gonna drink caffeine yeah yeah i'm gonna yeast infection i'm in these sweaty leggings but i like always i really appreciated it and like this also happened like pretty much like right before the pandemic and i was like oh let's we should hang out and do something else then and then it was you know they went on vacation and then the pandemic happened and then didn't but like there's even

certain things like that where it doesn't have to like work out initially the first time when you like reach out to someone that you see or like you've been in the same vicinity with them for a while that I think is just it's nice to extend like the olive branch for friendship and someone can pick it up I do think that like I would focus on making friends outside of your boyfriend's friends because as opposed to going out of your way to make them outside of your friend's friends because something I also think is great is like asking the existing friends you have like do you have any friends that you feel like I'd get along really well with and like you can tell your friends like I just think all of my friends I know like through you and I want to be able to

like pursue friendships with you know friends of friends and friends of friends and so like I would just like you know have that conversation with them too because sometimes people feel like I feel like I'm tagging along and I don't want to like overstep with their friends and like I don't feel that way about my friends at fucking all like I love when my friends then have each other's numbers and they like talk and like they hang out like that's that's great so I think that like pursuing like most said like things that you already like to do and you would like to be friends with people who also do that like i know there's like lots of different subreddits for different cities and people will do meetups and um taking like classes or going to like book

signings or going to go hear someone like speak that you're interested in but like something that you already are like passionate about um it gives you like a connection talking point too so it's not just like oh this person like looks cool or whatever and depending on your job i'm a big proponent of like making friends through your job if your job is uh not i don't know it's not stagnant but like it's not like a stationary kind of you work in an office you go to the same thing every day if you're like freelance or you do certain things like that like you build connections in that way and they're not like always your co-workers i think it's a great way to meet people even meeting people through those people right so using all of that and telling people that you're

looking to make new friends yeah like i think that's i'm here to make friends yeah like i think it can like be really disarming and even telling your other friends and being like, I like desperately need to make new friends. Like if you come across somebody, you think I should be friends with whatever. I've said this to Melissa and Melissa's like, Oh, I did tell you some people. Yeah. And she's like, this person would like to be your friend. And I'm like, thanks mom. Like that's something that, um, it's so universal, but we don't talk about it in that way. And I think like it makes me more comfortable to know that other people are like, are knowing that I'm looking for friendship and that then those people are, I think in similar like to dating, it's like saying

you're looking for something serious you're looking for like a one-night stand like it's just i think being transparent about it also like takes away that like the shame because you realize like everybody's most people are trying to find these connections because at certain points in your life it you're sad in return people filter out yeah and you're like okay pick some people back up i'll be your friend i need new friends my issue is i just don't like hanging out with people you do virtual hangs yeah that's my whole thing it's not that i don't like hanging out people it's like i just don't remember that i'm supposed to do that i just forget about people and things and places and time and stuff all right yep we're gonna take a break and we'll be right

back we're back we are hey hi megan and melissa when i 19 started dating my boyfriend 18 three years ago I also befriended his sister, 20. Long history, but they had arguments, one that led them to not talking for six months. Shortly after they started talking again, a big argument happened with her and both of us. Since then, my boyfriend has cut her out mostly. For context, she has been violent with him in some arguments, pushing and punching, and has said some awful transphobic things to him in the heat of arguments my boyfriend is transgender the situation really hurt me with the way she acted toward me in that argument and I found out that she wasn't a great friend to me

behind my back either and I had no clue plus all the hurt she caused my boyfriend I realized how awful she has been to him and never actually apologized for any of it it's been one and a half years since then and she just pretends like nothing happened when I see her and does the same to my boyfriend. I find she acts overly nice and I see it as fake. It makes me mad, but I feel bad after a recent diagnosis of one of their parents having a terminal illness. I feel angered at her compliments and her acting like nothing happened, but also feel awful thinking that way towards her when I know what she's dealing with. How do I move on from a bad friendship when it's someone who is part of my boyfriend's family and i have to keep seeing her am i bad a bad person for

feeling negative towards her and not putting an effort to be her friend again or nicer to her even though i know what she's dealing with you can feel however you want to feel and you don't have to if you want an apology from her then ask for an apology but i will say this since she is your boyfriend's sister and she probably thinks of you as a relative too at this point sometimes with siblings we just don't apologize for stuff i don't know if you have siblings but like me and my sister's getting fights we don't talk for a few months and then one day it's like send a tiktok send a tiktok or it's like hey i'm doing this business thing what do you use for invoicing literally happened it's true yeah and so like me and my sister fight all the time don't apologize

and i think she probably thinks of this in probably the same way but like if you want an apology just maybe go out and talk to her and say like hey i know that like we're going through a lot as a unit as a family especially like you don't have to say especially because of the parents because she probably knows like that's what you're referring to just like the things that we've been through in the past it really hurt and I feel like you're trying to move forward and I would like to move forward too but can we talk through some of the things that happened that hurt me yeah I mean I agree I think that you're being treated like a family member because like it's The fact that you were involved in, like, this fight, I'm like, yeah, no, you're not a significant other in that sense, then.

Like, you are a part of the family, and therefore she can fight with you the same way that she is fighting with your boyfriend, her brother. So I would ask, like, I would first ask your boyfriend, like, what do you want? Like, this is how I feel, but, like, my role here, despite, like, how much it might feel like I am, like, family. Like, I am the family who goes with you to these things, and I'm also the family you come home with. So like, I'm the constant here. So like, what do you need from me? If he's like, I really just need us to like drop this. I don't need you guys to be friends, but like, I just don't, I don't like, I just need us to move on from this. And like, I'm cool with us pretending like nothing ever happened. Then I think you, you do that. And so like anything more than whatever he's asking for,

for your, for his needs to be met, then I think like run it by him for other things, because, you know, I think like, you're so not a bad person for feeling negatively towards her. people can go through and it often happens like people go through tough shit or bad shit and then bad stuff happens in their life or it could be part of the reason why their attitudes that way but like that doesn't excuse any of it and also like shitty stuff happens to good people and bad people like and people who have done good and bad things like it is not like um like a karmic reaction to whatever it is i mean that can be your belief system but also like you know horrible people never get sick. Sometimes good people get very sick or vice versa. So I don't think that

it makes you a bad person for not dropping X, Y, and Z because she's going through something. And I've always found that for those things, it's like everybody reacts to things differently. And so I think giving someone grace and forgiveness, if that's not how you truly feel, does both of you a disservice because it's not coming from a genuine place like if you need an apology or you need like to have a conversation and then know that this isn't actually going to be a friendship that's also okay like you can be cordial with someone and civil with someone and you don't have to be there for them as a friend in that way even if that's what you would want in return if you're not capable of doing that i think it's so much better to know your own limits and do what

you're comfortable with and what feels like earnest and honest and true to you otherwise like you don't feel how she's being is being truthful and it's pissing you off it's not like she's not actually she thinks she's quote-unquote being kind and doing all this stuff and even if she means it you don't buy it and so therefore i don't think the response is to then give that same energy back because it's not making you feel any better i think we always should be doing things that come from like truth and honesty because i would rather someone be a bitch to me And I know that that's like how they actually feel than someone who's going to be fake nice to me as opposed to just telling me how they really feel. Yeah.

So, yeah, I don't think you're in the wrong for this at all. But I would really have a conversation with your boyfriend before anything else. Because he might just be like, yeah, it's whatever. Yeah. And like he might be like, I forgive her for this. And if you don't forgive her for this and it harbors more of this like resentment there, like that just makes my life a lot harder. and like we all can keep our feelings to ourselves and like vent about it to our friends about like the people that our partners are like close to that you might fucking hate like that just it's

kind it happens but it is family and so they have a they have a longer history there so but it's tough all right next one this one's a dm which if i didn't say before you can always dm us on instagram these two writing in for don't blame me i need advice and i'm writing in a time of extreme crisis i 20 she her have only had sex one time and it was like a year ago i've tried two other times before once like three years ago and once literally today and i've crashed and burned every time it's so painful and the guy can't even get it in the guy i was just with was super nice about it but i feel like there's something wrong with me how do you tell someone that they aren't getting you ready enough for sex should i go to a doctor get a vibrator i need so much help i'm

literally spiraling thinking about how embarrassing this is thank you so much for your advice love all the shows and content it is not embarrassing whatsoever no i i think you need both i would say like first of all i would say go to a doctor but um that's a really fucking ironic advice coming from me who will do anything to prevent going to a doctor so my realistic advice and what i would do is i would get a vibrator first yes and then i would go to a doctor and i would say get a vibrator first because i would also like can you insert tampons right like what's that because like there there are different medical things it could be what kind of medications if you're on any medications yeah but i would start with knowing your body first yes because i think you'll be

able to communicate with your doctor better um and they will ask follow-up questions of being like so is does what happens when you try to use a tampon what happens when you try to use um a vibrator like is it a lubrication issue or is it like a in still intact hymen issue like i know a couple people who had to get their hymens like surgically removed despite the fact that they thought they could use it removed no like broken cut or yeah i know it sounds yeah it's not removed because you don't take it out but cut sounds like a very painful kind of thing but they had to have like a surgery on their hymen it was like very quick and very easy but there's different levels of that so I wouldn't be embarrassed whatsoever but I would get to know your body if you can like

give yourself like a week or two weeks and like have that be your mission but solely so you can try and break down and get rid of the embarrassment and be able to like know and communicate to your doctor with like what the limits are of this and like what you think the problem is because I think if you're just holding it down to specific instances with sexual partners in this case like with men like that there's so much that could be there and it can feel like a little bit more uncomfortable and it feels less medical even though it is medical but like it feels a little less medical if you haven't been like oh okay so then like when i was doing my own like investigating my body and this is what i think it might be and like you know go to a female doctor if that's

something you're more comfortable with i would be more comfortable with that and just know there's like a plethora of things and there's without a doubt nothing wrong with you this isn't like a oh you're the only person in the world who's ever had an instance like this no and so like to get to know your body better i would say longer than two weeks though like i would give like a month relax if you need to like make sure that you're set in the mood in your room right like do like i want you to take like a full day each time that you're doing this and really like concentrate like if you need to take like a relaxing bath if you need to like listen to certain type of music if you need your room to be set up a certain way figure out if you like like to be aroused do you

want to listen to like audio erotica like on the quinn app or on dipsy do you want to read erotica you could fan fiction yeah um reading uh some nasty fan fiction do you want to watch porn like figure out the kind of thing that like gets you going and it could be different every time it also could be a combination of things i need i can't get off with like fingers alone i need a toy so much effort so much effort i recommend getting the rose toy it is incredible but you do have to know where your clit is like and that might be um i have one where you don't need to know where your clit is that may be like actually the rose might be a little advanced if you're not it's a little technical like you have to like you have to hit the spot right but it's like the best

yeah and it's not sexy initially whatsoever it's like this is tactile and this is accomplishing a goal yes this is like crazy Gwyneth Paltrow knows vaginas it's called the heartthrob vibrator from goop it's crazy how much is it 98 okay not too bad and I have a link if I use my like to know it you can give me some commission uh we'll include it in the show notes this one's great and it's like a very easy handheld thing you don't really have to know like much about like where your body is and I think back to like before I ever had like my first orgasm I was like this would have been it doesn't look intimidating it's like a little like silicone heart kind of thing and it doesn't have like the suction thing so it can be more general location but it has this like

not vibrating it has like a pulsating kind of a thing and it doesn't look phallic so i think if that's something that's like maybe giving you a little bit of anxiety that would be helpful too but yeah i got another toy oh this one is i feel like is the best toy that has ever been invented it looks weird as fuck it might be a little advanced because there is some insertion if you want that but it's called the snail and it i know i know but it looks like a snail the thing is like there's this thick part that vibrates on your clit and then the insertion part you can move it but the the vibration does not move off your clit it looks like a snail yes it looks like a no and so you move the insertion part and it stays on your click you can also do it hands-free like

you move around that thing is staying inside of you doesn't matter what position you're in i'm watching a gif of it and it's crazy it is the most incredible sex toy ever an engineer's i feel like america came together for this like rabbits i feel like were invented by men that thought that this is how things are aligned and i don't know who invented this it might have been a woman but like nobel peace because it stays in place and you don't have to do anything like with your hands like you can be on your knees moving up and down that thing is staying inside of you and on your click oh my god i've never seen anything like this it's incredible someone take that to shark tank barbara's getting that so fast barbara's going signing my own top up for

that hell yes yes highly recommend highly recommend i'll put links in there too for them hell yeah yeah so i think it's like a two-fold thing but i don't think that like if after you do all that and you're like okay it's not like medical or it is medical if it's medical then go talk to the doctor and then if it's not medical then you know then what you like and what turns you on and you can take that to whoever your next partner is going to be totally and like there's a i don't want to say like a psychological aspect of it but in the sense that like it's it's everything it's like you know there has to be the physical sensation that you like it has to be being in the right mindset for it and partners can increase your performance anxiety or whatever that is and

so like knowing that you don't have to count on somebody else will without a doubt ease your anxiety and it might not mean the next time you have sex someone like it's easy and great like you might be in your head because of this has happened historically but giving yourself so your only like your only experiences of this are not just unsuccessful ones with partners you could have successful ones with yourself that's a good thing for the mentality of it but i also think like if everything's good alone and then you keep having this issue with partners go to the doctor talk to the doctor about it like there are things that can be specifically that and i i think if you're also feeling uncomfortable telling these guys that you are not ready like that your body's

not ready yet that to me is that you might not feel comfortable to have sex with them then yeah like ask for what you want when you're in the bedroom ask for what you want if you're nervous tell them if you like need more time tell them if you want them to lick you there tell them like be up front don't be nervous about this because it's not just about like their pleasure or just about being together it's about your pleasure too and if you're not feeling it then what's the point yeah you're just gonna get frustrated like you did before yeah if you don't feel comfortable to tell them that your body's not ready i don't think you're ready to have sex with them and that's something that like you know regardless of how long you've been in a

relationship you can be like i just i'm gonna need a little more time like this and that's just like natural and like people someone should be able to tell like physically and if they're not interested in like knowing that you are ready or like can clearly tell that you are not and they're like still wanting to go power through with it your body will like shut down because this person is no longer like a safe person and like you need to feel really safe and comfortable to have to have sex with someone and if you can't ask them for what you want i i don't you shouldn't have sex with them i agree but this is like so normal i cannot stress this enough and like you should not be embarrassed whatsoever whatsoever all right we're going to take another break

we're back from our break all right here we go hey ladies i love the podcast i've been listening since the beginning i am 31 and i use she her pronouns i'm writing because i'm tired of being a bridesmaid i am the definition of always a bridesmaid never bright can't believe katherine heigl listens to our podcast well in my 20s i had two long-term serious relationships where i knew i just knew they'd be the one but neither of them worked out since i was about 22 i've been in 10 weddings holy shit between bridesmaids and a couple times as maid of honor now my friends are married engaged and starting families and i'm having serious FOMO my little sister recently got engaged and i'm dreading being her wedding in wedding number 11 i am super happy for my sister

and her fiance is a great guy it's the whole wedding scene i'm dreading on top of family members not so subtly asking why why i'm still not married where do i even go to meet someone in my 30s i've been set up on numerous blind dates but they never panned out could it be me i have no fucking clue any help would be appreciated love y'all where are you located that's important to me yeah i will say uh when i was in my early 30s and would go back to weddings in the south people would be asking me those stupid ass questions and now when i go back they're like oh we understand yeah because they're all divorced they're all divorced they're all fucking divorce yes yeah i'm gonna say i think you're going to this is a time period this is a

time period this is like the happy thing then you're gonna get to the point where it's like oh my god don't have kids yet we are so fucking tired yeah even my friend my parents friends they're all like i think they're all tired of their own spouses too they're just like oh must be nice having peace and quiet must be nice they're coming to a house like where you don't have to worry about anybody else's stuff like it's fine like yeah you just have to get over this hump the judgmental spot the judgmental comments usually come from a place of people feeling not confident in their decisions and therefore needing to push their decisions on you so they can feel validated that they made the right choice right and then as far as like meeting people

it only takes one person to be the one you're gonna go on blind dates you're gonna go on maybe set up dates they're on you know meet somebody out in the wild they're all gonna be the wrong one until you meet the right one so it just takes time like it may maybe it might be you we don't know you we don't know anything about you it might be you and if it is you if you feel like there's something that like there are traits about yourself that you feel like could be approved upon then take that time to improve those traits about you but if you feel like you know you're confident you know who you are like you're ready for the person that will be the one then just keep doing what you're doing yeah I I'm gonna go on a limb I don't think it's you just because you've been in

two long-term relationships where you thought this could be like this could be it and the fact that you were able to do that with another long-term relationship after the first one didn't work out to me that tells me that like you are open and you're like ready for this and I would just like write down why did these things end and like what traits did this person have what traits did the first one end what traits did they have that you can tell contributed to the reason why the relationship wasn't successful then ask yourself did the next person I did did they have any of those same traits like what was that here and who was I in that first relationship and what was different about me in that second relationship and just like take inventory of that because I

think like yes our picker can be off but being in like two long-term relationships for me is a very it's a green flag of that like you're able to compromise you're able to co-habitate with someone and um you're able to like spend extended periods of time with someone and all of this kind of stuff and but maybe for you maybe you like compromised a little too much maybe you've settled for a little like some other things like that and so what do you want to recreate in those relationships and what do you never want to do again and i think the older you get the easier the quicker you find someone because you know yourself a hell of a lot better and people that i know who found and met their partners into their 30s they like went on three dates they're like oh yeah definitely gonna

marry that man uh then they got married had a kid and are just like so stoked they didn't have to go through the like okay we're gonna date for this many years and do all of this kind of stuff because they knew themselves a lot more so they didn't have to grow and learn in the relationship individually they just had to learn about each other and like who they are in a couple but they both had a lot of practice being in a in a couple so i i think like i would i would try and also like broaden your circle in the sense of if you're all of your friends are married and all of your friends have kids like befriend someone around your age who's single like really make sure so you don't feel like those voices in your head make you settle for someone because they want

you to check off these things from your list because they have it and they feel they're not entirely sure in their decision yeah or you wait it out and i i promise you everyone be like oh my god i wish i had your life like i'm so jealous of your life and already know that they're already saying that now but they can't verbalize that yet they're not they haven't admitted it to themselves yet yeah and they will so yeah i think you need to broaden that circle because there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. And I think meeting people in your 30s, you can meet people like anywhere. I think as long as you're open and you don't separate it for like, well, I can't meet someone at work and I don't want to meet someone at the coffee shop where I go to and I don't want

to meet someone here, here, here. Don't think about it in that sense. Like pick one place you don't want to meet someone. And it's because like maybe it's like not your vibe and maybe you go to a gym that's really convenient for you, but like it's not really your vibe. Yeah. Don't meet anyone there and then have the rest of the places like make sure you're going to places that you're not dreading make sure you're going to places that you like enjoy and if you hate going to the post office or whatever then like do postal pickup and so then you've got more time in your day to go run the errands you actually like doing and being around in those places you'll find more like-minded people and you'll be in a better mood if you're going to places when you're pissed off and you're

annoyed you don't want to meet anyone you might think you do but you don't yeah so that's what i would say yep and also go to places where you like like let's say that you want to be with the guy that plays golf on sunday i that's your life set you up with someone i would love if he dated someone in his 30s um not mods one of his friends but like go eat at like the restaurant that's near there or something like that like go places where you like imagine where your future spouse hangs out go to those places yeah where would you if you were writing a story where would you love the two main characters to meet go there like romanticize your own life in that sense because other people also do that and um if you're not faking it if you actually do it right you know

and just say you're doing it for the bit you're doing it ironically if it feels embarrassing you're doing it ironically it's a joke they'll figure out that it's a joke eventually and yeah like people in lots of places do all the time being like oh this is the finance bro bar like i'm gonna go here yeah or i'm gonna avoid the actor bar don't try and find your husband at saddle ranch that's where all the tiktokers are where you go to drink underage drink underage have a blast that you don't talk about ever again and retain a semi um serious concussion from riding a bull that was your life yeah don't go there i have fun at celery that's true that's like you go to saddle ranch just to have fun but like no long term no no long term especially

because i know a lot of people who hang out there still and i'm like why i haven't been to that place in like 10 years no me neither anytime someone was like an after party there and kyle would get there and he goes oh no it's saddle ranch we have to leave all right now it's time for don't blame them don't blame them is when a listener will call in or write in with their own advice pertaining to a call or write-in that we had on a previous episode. So they might have professional experience or personal experience. They had a friend who went through something similar or they just have some insight to something we either may have missed or that they really wanted to touch on that they think might be useful. So this is a don't blame them

for episode titled friends don't treat me like a friend. I'm going to give a little more context this someone had called in and asked for advice on how to communicate with family in their life who is far more right-leaning conservatives and really enjoy those kinds of discussions and gets very heated very quickly and the caller has a hard time getting out of them and wants to get out of them because otherwise we'll just eviscerate all of them. So these are some less chaotic ideas for the political family caller politely excuse yourself or leave the room loudly talk over them about family or family friendly drama or gossip you have made up as a distraction or pretend you literally can't hear their racist misogynistic lgbtq phobia bs if they have to repeat themselves

they have to think about it again and they may get embarrassed extremely chaotic and maybe bad advice i love that this is a twofold this is so uh how we give advice i am mixed and white passing and have always contemplated intentionally putting myself in a situation with racists on a day i'm feeling real spicy yet safe just to see if i pass for a white and how long i can trick them before being like oh so you think insert racist thing here about me and watch their horrified faces if you have a friend like me bring them with consent to your family function as a totally white white white version friend of this bring me i'm so happy to be the bad guy when fucking ever enlist your your friends who have like are very good at kickboxing and have like mommy and daddy

issues because like they're quick to fight back you know i'll fight other people's battles for them without a doubt yeah i did have recently on another podcast this man on named charles duhigg d-u-h-i-g-g and he wrote this book called super communicators and i thought he was great I recommend checking that out but it's about how to communicate with combative people in your life oh wow maybe I should get that so people communicate better

than you as a combative person or you get it and you just like pass it out to other people and be like you changed here you go I know what I'm like I'm self aware and now this is how to deal with me yeah but he had some great tips that show won't be out for a while so

give them the resource first I don't think that episode comes out to like june so it's a really cool cover i literally started having to read from the top and then i was like i wonder what it says and i could have just read the last word once you see the cover of the book you'll understand what i'm saying interesting yeah love it love it love it love it that is it for episode and we hope you all enjoyed and we hope we brought you joy we hope we gave you a little giggle a little heehee ha ha and maybe inspired you to be like these two gorgeous beautiful ladies are so well equipped that i'm gonna tell them the problems in my life

so they can help me deal with it oh yeah good job there's there's nothing we won't touch on you can send whatever like you know i mean there are things that we don't say we won't pick it yeah we might report you to the cops but yeah we haven't had to do that in a long time and i'm just like so happy about that yeah i think our great clearing out of 2020 really yeah yeah yeah yeah we had some like very glaring red flags and then we picked up on some yellow flag we were able to really psychoanalyze the humanity, humankind. And yeah, I think we're in a great place. So yeah, please call in with some advice.

Again, you can always write in and send us a DM as well. Stay tuned for the rest of the content we are giving you this week. And watch our Patreon because we're doing the video version here. And we're together. Yeah, we're here together in person. And you can also join our live streams as well.

It's a great time to make friends that way. And it's a great way to make friends virtually. And then you can meet each other in real life. but you might only meet Erica because Erica's collecting IRL meetups like Infinity Stones. You will never meet Mary and you might never meet Brie.

So there's your thing. Also, if you want to sign up now, probably the best time to do it because changes are coming. And if you're in now, you're in now. And you won't be affected by the change. Yep. It's a blood oath.

Okay, goodbye. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson.