Don't Blame Me! - DBM: I Want to Date Someone 10 Years Older

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Meghan and Melisa to give advice on: Update: Twin Rings Never dated before Friend is in a relationship with a narcissist Graduation party without friends Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your summer travels deserve an upgrade. With select Chevrolet, Buick, GMC, and Cadillac vehicles connected by OnStar, you can stream, game, and more on the go. Whether you're headed to a music festival or a cottage getaway, you can access hundreds of apps on Google Play right from your center display. Explore OnStar tech today at OnStar.ca and discover how to take your summer to the next level. OnStar. Better never stops.

hello everybody and welcome to another episode of don't blame me you know what you can't do here blame either one of us no it is in the rules it's in the terms and conditions you signed you don't remember signing it that is not my problem when you clicked on this to play it you consented yes you did and if you're brand new here my name is megan my name's melissa And together we make up Eminem. You can take that either way you want. Candy or the rapper or or just me on my own facts. So this podcast is where we give wonderful, amazing, life changing advice.

And we do that in multiple ways. You leave voicemails, you leave voice memos, you write us a DM or you send us an email. And we two gorgeous intellectuals, brainiacs, some might say we fix your life in one fell swoop. And if we don't, again, it's in the title, you can't blame us. How many episodes are we at this point, do you think? 250, maybe?

There were times where we would take like a month off. And we don't really do that anymore. So closer to 300, I would think. Yeah. We've done like, I think we do, we've had like a little more intermittent, accidental

breaks. Like when I ate the Dawn Power Wash. yeah or i just got sick and then you got sick it's a domino effect one of us it's not it's never going to be only one of us getting actually if you if i get sick you don't necessarily get sick but if you get sick i'm getting sick but we're never like i'm not getting you sick no that's the thing because it's like weeks after yes but it's just like i'm on the men's i think you get sick i'm also afraid i'm gonna get sick again because i was hanging with my nephew who obviously is sick all the time and i said that in the car in the home i was like i'm really

afraid i'm gonna get sick and mons goes me too and i was like oh okay so i'm definitely gonna get sick because usually he goes no no no you're not gonna get sick you're fine he's like no i'm really worried you're gonna get sick again too i'm like fucking hell but maybe i'll get on top of it take that claritin would you say i have to take the d claritin d i need that i need that d i can't say that too quietly mons will wake up from his sleep i've been summoned everything's just awake in a wreck i am alert all attention everything 90 degree angle anyways uh we are so cold in the d it it you know i've always said that i've always said that i can't wait it's finally gonna get cold and now that just every time i check the weather it'll go

it's so cold cold in the d how long is we supposed to keep peace a bop if you've never heard seen it first of all you can't hear without seeing it you can't hear without seeing it no yeah so check it out and let that be the soundtrack to your winter join us there is a a song that dropped also that i feel like we should bring more nastiness to the holidays and um i don't know if you're familiar with noah davis the singer sounds familiar well go to instagram noah davis 50 but i would like to play this no i know what you're talking about he's dropping i know what you're talking about i know i'm so sorry this is someone so different than i thought it was

okay we've officially evolved past the need of chris of chris brown like because chris brown was making fucking let me fuck you on christmas music without saying it and we we haven't needed chris brown in a long time but this is officially there's no more complaints of saying well well how is it how is it to have that where's my horny christmas music here it is here it is the aesthetics of them just sprawled out in front of a beautiful white christmas tree incredible i'm obsessed also the outfits yeah the glam if you want just some nasty music that's all the music that they make so uh how fun i just accidentally stumbled upon because black black tiktok has stumbled upon a one that they sung about titties and another one about

dick and we're talking about how like it's like legit a bop and now and then i started following him and i was like this is this is the music that i've been waiting i fully thought that this was gonna be that song i don't even know what i like will not even open it but every like that went viral recently too and it's like the profile of the and he's i think i don't know how old he is like a young black guy singing into them and it's like a drop down mic and everybody was like i can't with this song and so i was like not even clicking it if all of twitter is talking about it and i thought that's who this was gonna be imagine my surprise when i see a white boy pop up face beat and i'm like right okay yeah i want to fuck for christmas i'm fucking this is amazing wow i thank

you for that thank you actually you're so much for that i'm gonna put it on and mods is gonna be like actually he probably hasn't fucking noticed he will just be like let's hear it tom i like i like the beat oh my gosh it's so good he's really fucking i want to fuck you for christmas and don't they all ho ho ho ho well we're going to give you some advice if you want to call in you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners because audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com you can also write out what you want to say and send it to the same email address or you can do that to our dms for the written versions let us know all the information but keep it under 300 words please let us know how old you are um you can let us know your pronouns

if you would like but you do not have to and then for the call version you have three minutes to tell us everything not about you about the situation what you need advice on the problem the predicaments that you are facing also please let us know your age you can let us know your pronouns again if you would like you do not have to but tell us the story tell us paint the scene tell us picture really give us a sense of it because otherwise we have to fill in the blanks so if it's about a relationship how long have you been together if it's like oh my friends hate my partner like let us know what what their qualms are like really try and get into the specifics that if you were listening to the podcast that you would need to form your own opinions because

that's how we can give you the best advice and we also ask if you're sensitive you can let us know we will take that into account and yeah if you want to watch the video version of the podcast if you're like me who you're like i love a podcast but i love a fucking video version check out our patreon very affordable and not only can you watch a video version of this podcast you want to video version of our other podcast but am i wrong and this week it's a butt am i watching oh yeah oh and we're watching the barbie movie hi barbie hi barbie it's fucking good um and you can also support the show just in general on patreon if you would like and we also do live streams twice a month where we just hang out and it's fun and yeah we also have some other shows what are

other slate of content melissa that they can watch and listen to on tuesdays we have see you next tuesday where it's just us catching up this week we're talking about just a plethora of things mainly revolving around the thursday that just happened and then on fridays we have fisting fridays where we read the results of whatever happened in our lives not really from but am i wrong the results from vote on our life this is squid game and uh yeah they're a good time because it's just it's a lot of us just talking and if you don't like that yet it's just because you haven't been listening long enough once once you once you keep listening you're like i miss these bitches and then soon you'll be begging for episodes on wednesday yeah and the tuesday and

friday episodes are are shorter than our regular so it can just be a little bite size a little quickie all right so shall we get to an update oh yeah it's something that both of us um have already took a gander at but i'm going to share with everyone it's from the episode with the uh engagement ring twins so the person wrote in and said thank you both so much for airing my call and giving me advice i'm going to be a good friend and get over it i get 50 50 advice from co-workers and family. All of my family is like gross ew and my co-workers are very much cut them off. However, my fiance doesn't see the big deal and neither do y'all. So we are going to move forward and we're going to move forward with grace and be grateful. Since 2021, we have moved and own a

house, congratulations, and have great jobs and money of our own. So seeing them a couple times a month won't be hard if there's any fun updates to come i will call them in just for y'all to have them you are both highly respected in my eye and i recommend all your shows to clients i have in the salon i hope it's making a difference in their lives as much as mine thank you that's so nice that's so nice we also have now since seen the photos and to follow up they i don't they don't even i don't think they look that similar i don't think they're the same ring like it's the same color of gemstone and i think if this was in a diamond and a silver band no one would be saying it was the same ring yeah no i think it was definitely like the proposer the proposer or

the proposee it was distant enough it wasn't like a direct copy and so it was like oh i'm inspired by this yes so therefore this is like a cool version of it or not a cool but like a more version of it so and we don't know which one is yours or the um or your friends so yeah we have no judgment either way so if you tell us we do have i we each like we we yeah we we have opposite of which one we like better so 50 50 on that too yeah if you tell us which one is yours only one of us is gonna like yours more one of us is gonna think the other one better yeah but i don't i don't think i think they're they're different rings yeah well they're different enough that we have like we we each like different ones more so all right let's take a break and then we'll get

into the calls and we're back it's time to change some fucking lives give some advice hi megan and melissa i'm 23 female and i've never had any kind of romantic interactions in my life like not even holding a guy's hand and being kissed i've always been the single friend or the one guys asks if my friend's single i don't think i'm unattractive but it seems like i'm just not anyone's type i'm either the complete opposite of what guys i like would go for or i end up being just a friend slash acquaintance to them i don't think i'm unattractive by any means but it doesn't seem like i'm turning heads either i often get compliments and told that i'm pretty by women in public but never men i work in

a smallish town at a decent sized university been there for almost two years so there's not much for me to do recreationally without feeling weird about interacting with students as an employee and the office i work in is fairly small and is full of predominantly middle-aged and older white men i do however have a work crush who's about nine who's about 10 years older than me no that makes work fun and i'm pretty sure he flirts with me he does and he shouldn't but he also may just be being nice playful and may not be getting into or already in a relationship getting involved with someone at work would be too messy i know i've been on apps since college and they're awful most of the likes i get are very unattractive to me of course or they're kind of attractive but

just fetishize me most guys opening line involves them saying like they've never been with a black girl or calling me gorgeous black queen or talking about my chocolate skin face palm emoji for context this sex part for context i am black and barely tall six two ish i have no problem dating with within and outside of my race by the way it's just that the black guys i've i've it's just that the black guys i've seen only date white girls or just don't treat black women with a ton of respect and sometimes i don't know how to show guys of other races that i'd be interested i've always seen myself with someone older than me 10 to 12 years older is my max but i don't know how to go about that a part of me would prefer to gain more sexual experience before getting into a

relationship partially so i can live out my hoe phase but also because i feel like i'd be more prepared i would love to hear what you guys think and be open to any kind of advice i'm a leo by the way and a tiny tiny bit sensitive if that helps thank you well the first thing i would say is if you're wanting to what are your reasons for wanting to date somebody 10 to 12 years older if it's to secure a bag okay but 40 years old not old enough yeah yeah uh any other reason no you're not coming to the right place for somebody for somebody asking to uh date somebody that much older than them we don't believe in age gaps in that way so you're looking you're then looking for like i'm looking to date an emotionally stunted man it's like why yeah i just uh yeah

and the co-worker absolutely not not just because he's 10 years older than you which is your type i guess but it's messy and no so all that's off the table why is that your type therapy and i digress with love oh but everything else this does before you even said that you were in a smaller a smallish town i already knew that's where you were you didn't have to tell me that and i would say open it up like is there a bigger town near that you can go to do you have friends that like single friends that you can go to like day trips and see like somebody that's still close enough but uh a little outside of your area and then as far as like letting people know i want to know where you are specifically in the u.s but as far as like letting people know that you have no

problem dating outside your race and that you'd be interested i just i've dated a whole rainbow people and i've never just like gone to somebody of a another ethnicity and be and like showed interest in a different way than i would have somebody in this with the same ethnicity like i just show interest and i think if you are putting those into compartments of that you need to be different around different people and show your interest in a different way that may be that you and I and I know that you say that you're sensitive and I don't mean this in a negative way but you may need to know who you are more before you start dating because it sounds like that you would change your behavior depending on who you're dating and maybe you're not ready

to date yet do you think it could also be like internalizing some of the fetish fetishization of that to then make it like how do i mold myself to the version the the the the idea of what you have a fetishizing black like how can i be that for you without not consciously knowing that yep i agree i do think it's that i will say that 23 you're still really young Melissa's advice is more practical like my advice is like you need a new job and you probably need to move like I just like this might just be like we all have like timing in our life of like this everything expires like every job that we have expires every relationship that we have expires like a certain point and sometimes that's death it expires out and like when we grow old and

we end up together or it's like something like this and like you might just be getting too big for your small town and like or the small town where you're at and so i agree with the sense of like maybe you just need to like commute in your social time like maybe you drive an hour to like go hang out in places with like and make friends in like that bigger city to like broaden that circle or like this might be a sign for you that you don't see yourself settling down in this area and that you maybe like need to kind of spread your wings and try something else out and that's also like takes time to like save up money to do that but i also think that like sometimes i don't think powering through dating when it's not working out for you well like in dating apps and it gets

you really discouraged i think like there's something very underrated and beneficial about being like it's not a season for dating for me right now and because like i'm just getting demoralized like and i'm just like this is feeling helpless or something like that if it's like i know that i want to i know i want to get out of this town i don't want to move i I want to find a new job. And so maybe I put dating on the back burner for a bit and then focus a little bit more on like just having fun because you, I don't want to say your standards might change, but like, you know, if you want to have a ho phase, you know, that's, that's when you like you drive, you drive an hour for some dick and you're like, Oh my God, this is so bad.

Like, but there, there might be something there for you that you'll get to know yourself more and like know what you're interested in who you're interested in and the kind of people that you want to date it's hard to know that and some people do but it's hard to know that without dating people who you actually don't end up liking like it's it's it's hard to get it right on the first try and then you said i'm either the complete opposite of what guys i like would go for or i end up being just the friend acquaintance to them what kind of guy do you like because you didn't really share that um because that could be cutting you off from potential suitors but then also like um the ones that you're saying that you are just friends with them have you expressed that

you like them because if you're not sharing there there might be guys i feel like in a lot of like hetero relationship with the opposite sex like people you sometimes they like like each other but they don't say oh yeah that they do and so um if you're not expressing it then how do you know that they don't like you and they wouldn't go for you yeah so are you sharing that information i would also ask yourself and i'm definitely projecting based on like other people we've talked to on the podcast as well but like i would also take a look at your friend group so when you're saying that like they always like my friends more like than me like what is your friend group do you feel represented in your friend group do you feel like your friends

represent who you are like are you so vastly different and opposite from your friends because I do think that like if you if you're always the friend if they're always more interested in your friend that only really happens if you are you are like the odd one you're the one like completely different than everybody else like a lot of friend groups like people have very similar interests there's these other things there so I would ask yourself if you feel like that and then if i was in a friend group where like every new guy that we met was interested in like ever like never interested in one person or always a kind of friend zoning that one person and then we welcomed that person into the friend group or like kind of like started dating like i

would i would hope that i would self-question as like a friend in the situation of being like why are we doing like it just feels like a it feels like a slight in the sense that like yes these men and that's not there anyone can be into whoever they're into but like as a friend i think that's a the friend group aspect is and and unless you're not saying anything but if like it is well known and you've told your friends that you like like these guys and then these guys end up liking them like do those guys end up being in your friend group because like i think that is far like hella fucking against girl code if like you like a guy and a guy kind of comes to our friend group it does is not interested in you and expresses interest in someone else like you're

out like that's not that's awkward like you're new here like this is like we don't need this so sometimes i find that like our dating experiences like it can be the pool it can be our mindset or it can also be our circle and our community and like we sometimes can i find if we accept poor behavior from friends we're more likely to accept poor behavior from romantic relationships but it's hard to know but i do think you're right like i even before you said like melissa said i can tell this is a small town thing and dating apps are work and hard and i also wonder on the dating apps do you have it set to 10 years older do you have or do you have it set to your age plus 10 years older because i think that also could change your

will be like a double fetish fetishization there not that i'm saying you should make money but there is that you could be if you're gonna do it they should be older and you should be being compensated for that right and i'd be older like 40 plus years older close to death you need to get in the will that's the whole point i don't even think because she's 23 i think we need to go 50 years older well you know i can't do math that doesn't mean they're in their late 80s okay yeah so we need them dusty we need them like close to the brain do you know who uh shira7 is maybe well yeah tiktok i think she has a youtube channel but the clips are on tiktok and she's she's all about getting you an old ass man and him paying for

every pain for your life yes i know exactly who this is sprinkle sprinkle uh-huh sprinkle yeah yeah i this this is like one there's one of those hard questions because like i don't doubt anything that you're saying and there isn't really like a fix to this because you have to just think of like this is a it's a it's a dating pool problem it's not a you problem so i would say that like depending on how your friend group reacts to this and like how this kind of goes about it could be a friend group problem and a community pool problem but like this is never at any point a you problem the only like you problem this could be is maybe not knowing yourself as much but again it's hard to know yourself in dating without dating and i i expand wide in that pool

get a hybrid car like you know log those miles metro take about like there's just bus club nether club and i yeah i think you're right i would like to know where you are because even in in my smallish town i was still getting the the menfolk of a lighter complexion melody deficient i am deficient deficient i'm deficient um but yeah i would i would also wonder if your friend group is predominantly white because i think if this like could have been written by someone else like like that in the sense of like if your friend group is very white and you are finding that they are kind of just welcoming this behavior and letting this happen that I think that you've got a friend issue you've got a friend problem and I do think if you can pinpoint where the problem

is you will actually be all of this will change even if it's in your small town pool because when we accept poor behavior or we view ourself in a certain light we tend to welcome more of that behavior and we we miss the outlet the things that are not like this like we we just it's a confirmation bias so we then only see these other things and we miss all of the stuff like there will be even in a small town there are going to be people who you'd be interested in who would be interested in you but without the without having like being on the right radio frequency to find it you're just going to completely miss it so that's but that's a difficult thing to do like at 23 and i i my picker was without a doubt broken at that point but also it's very common to

not have a lot of or any experience sexual experiences at or romantic at at really any age but specifically at this age like this is not uncommon at all not at all we've had plenty of calls of people calling in about this yeah so you got this don't date old men unless they're old and you want to be in their will and there has to be a contract we can call it dating but like financially there needs to be some incentives yeah i saw this uh 20 something year old man on tiktok who um met this old woman that was near death and she asked him she's like i just want to enjoy my last few days in life with you and uh he was like okay and he did and he got her house and a whole bunch of money and he ended up just giving the money away wow i love heartwarming

stories like me too hallmark pick that up write that write that down uh well i i am hoping the for you and um i know that it will get better and easier and this is my telepathically to one of our listeners to write in with giving them advice one of our listeners oh and another one there's two then oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah neither of them no one of them will hear this the other one probably won't hear it so the rest of you who know who i'm referencing tell them to listen uh join our patreon get to know people because we know them we know them so well anyways let's get to the next call i am calling in because my best friend has been in a relationship for um over five years now with a narcissist and i'm just gonna i'm gonna read off

what I wrote here. So my friend, Sasha, I'll call her Sasha, met this guy when we were still in college. And, you know, she's really smart and beautiful and funny. And I know she can get any guy that she wants. And so when she was like mooning over this new guy, being everything she wanted, she was in a very confident place and was really happy for her. But long story short, they had a really rocky start. They were on and off for the first two or so years. And each time that they broke up, I comforted her and told her that she was worth more. I was also visibly frustrated whenever she went back to him. I think it's because of this that she eventually stopped coming to me as much whenever something bad happened with him. She would get, like, really

defensive about their relationship when I would point out his red flag, saying that, like, because they lived together, that their relationship was more serious than the relationship that I was in, even though we'd been together, me and my partner had been together for about the same amount of time we just didn't live together and for a little while we were long distance but she would say that you know my relationship is is not serious like hers so like whatever he was pulling with her was normal because they lived together it might also be worth mentioning that despite them being in a relationship for six years or five or like five about you know give or take five years that i've only met this man like three times in person and we do live in the same city like there's

There's no, like, good excuse for me not to know more about him or know him in person. And she's met my partner several times. But fast forward to this year, she's called me a lot more miserable at the end of her rope. I think all of the toxic behaviors and patterns have started to come to light to her. She's starting to recognize the things that, you know, we saw back when she was first with him, things that, you know, at the time I didn't recognize as narcissistic behaviors, but became more clear so this call ended we cut it out but like this call ended with them saying

that they didn't have enough time and they wanted to include more um but you didn't call back so we're going to give you advice on like what you had have said already and then please call back and give us more and i think it'll be kind of interesting to see like if it does if our advice is going to line up with like the back half of this i i mean i wonder how long you've been listening to the podcast because like you with love you did everything we said to not do like absolutely everything we said to not do when your friend is dating someone who toxic but to be fair we say that from and i specifically said from the place of like i've been that friend who has done all of those things and then it does not work in favor for the friendship and like i had to learn

that the hard way but the overarching thing like you have to let people make their own mistakes i think you're starting to recognize that and learn that she's only gonna leave that relationship when she wants to and like your role as a friend is like to be the apartment where she can crash on your couch but like the if you have to decide if it's like too hard for your mental health to can let her too hard to continue this friendship if this is too draining for you that's your one option is you got to end the friendship because it's too much or the other option is like You just have to support her in what she's in, what makes her happy. And that can sometimes feel like enabling poor behavior. But like if someone is just demonstrating poor behavior and you don't cut them off or create boundaries, then having them in your life and as a friendship at any capacity will inadvertently enable that poor behavior. It doesn't have to be like, oh, get back together with him. He's awesome. But like, yeah. And I think like we give that a little too much credit of being like, oh, they were all just enabling it. Like, you know, I think like even people in horrible relationships need friends.

and if you have the capacity to take that in and just kind of like wish for the best for her while maintaining the like that friendship like that's great but if you can't that's also okay but she's not going to do what you want her to do because you also wouldn't do what she would want you to do like we're all you've much better perspective than she does but again like that's not and i mean this with love that's not like a a round of applause to you like it is just because you're not you're not the one in it and that would happen it happens to everyone i also wonder you seem to be her friend but is she your friend because the thing she said about her being in a much more serious relationship than you is not cool that was like at all and then

And also not seeing her partner a lot. Even though she's seen your partner a lot. So y'all are like hanging out. Like show up. Like hi. Like y'all aren't like double. Like he's not coming to things that y'all are with your partner. Like that's weird.

I have friends of friends. That I've seen their partners more this year. Than like what you're describing. That's just weird. and so like i don't know if this is like if you two as friends are is actually like compatible because you're also giving her telling her things that you shouldn't necessarily be telling her either so what about your friendship do you like yeah it's odd i i i did a little bit and i say this with love because i've also been there it feels a little bit like you're trying

to save her and that kind of savior aspect of it builds resentment because i also don't necessarily disagree with the first part of what she said about like when you live a relationship where you live together is more serious and a relationship like you and your partner not living together and then also being long distance like it is it is different like it is truly different that doesn't mean that like you like each other less but like there are different issues that arise there but it the way that she phrased that especially at the end it sounded like she wanted to hurt your feelings but i also think that like she was doing yeah but i also think like you trying to give advice telling someone about a relationship when you live together is like

where do you you have not it kind of comes from a holier-than-thou space and so i think you're right melissa in the sense that like are you really friends at this point are you just just is she like a project that you're trying to save yeah so evaluate that and don't worry like yeah she may be dating you don't even know this dude really so yeah you actually can't call a narcissist yet so i don't you can't i mean i don't think you should be calling anybody a narcissist that let's say if narcissists is diagnosed yes but like i don't think you know him enough and i don't think that either of you are respecting each other's relationships enough to have even have an opinion like i don't have an opinion on what even though i love much i don't

like say anything like yeah there's nothing for me to say like what am I gonna say yeah and that's the thing that like I think we grow out of at a certain age I don't think you said how old you are but like it is a thing you grow out of but it is hard when someone relies so heavily on their friends and telling their friends all of this stuff because it's hard because then the turnaround is like then you're invested and then they're like why are you so invested and it's like you you got me invested in this and so like it's and i don't blame you at all like that's that's what happens when someone doesn't you haven't gone to enough therapy and like processed your shit you rely on your friends to kind of do that for you and then you expect them to the slate to be wiped clean

every every day and it doesn't it doesn't work like that especially with good friends good friends don't want you to get hurt but i don't know what friendship she's bringing to the table for you either yeah because i you know friends are going through things i'm not gonna give my personal opinion i'm gonna ask them what they want what the what they want in the relationship and where do they see themselves in the relationship yeah and nobody who's ever dated a shitty guy thinks that everyone loves them like unless you're like charismatic like narcissistic personality disorder that kind of thing where like you've fooled all of your acquaintances but like you know when you're dating a shitty guy like you don't need your friends to be like hey

that was really shitty what he did he was really shitty you're like bitch i know that it's like you're not telling me anything i don't know and so like i think most of the time the best thing you can do is just, is just listen to people. Cause like they figure it out. It's kind of like therapy. Like they, they figure it out by talking it through themselves. But what I do is like, I, if the afterwards, they're like, what do you think? Or like, what should I do? I will, I just say, what kind of, like, what kind of Megan do you want? Like, what do you, what do you want? And if it's like, I want you to be happy for me, or I, I want you to give me tough love. Like, I want you to be like totally honest. I will, or I want you to tell me that I should break up with

him. Or I want you to tell me that this is going to get better. And even if I don't think it's going to get better I will say that because that's what they need to hear at that point and like I'll say it in a way of like this will always get better like things are always going to get better things are always going to change we're always going to have more perspective and like I'm not lying because that is true I'm not saying their behavior will change but it's like you know I really hope that they do and like I think everyone is possible of growing and changing and I think like if you believe that he's like in this and wants to better himself I trust you and then I believe you and like I am so excited for that like there's always a way that you can

support your friend but like you know i even think when a when a couple breaks up i think like save the happy dance three months three months until you can like like be excited but if not if it's around the holiday season then give it six months so like by the time if there's a summer if you go through a whole summer of staying single and then a whole winter then i think like okay but yeah you should we should all know that we're all human and we're all going to find those comforts yeah because she does know her partner better than you and that's yeah a good thing and a bad thing in that sense so yeah and also like um if he is in fact a narcissist narcissist can be in love too and they can find a partner yeah that partner is called amir and then they kiss it and they go i

love myself so much i'm so great or they find someone that just wants to be there and just abhors them and does and falls in line and does all that and benefits them and you know all of those things um but i will say to ease your anxiety every friend that i have had past and present who has dated someone who immediately i was like you are fucking awful worst person ever whether i said it to them or not they none of them are together anymore so like it does it will end but even when i said something that relationship got back together when i didn't say something they stayed together they they eventually broke up so like there is it there's nothing you can say that they don't already know and haven't already accepted that so like just know that shit will work out

eventually you just have to decide what role you want to play in that and how invested you want to be and how much time you want to spend on it yeah the only time that i have intervened is when there has been physical or mental violence and that's when i'll intervene but other than that well that's when you psychologically have to be removed like in order to get out of the situation there and yeah but other than that i agree that's the only time at this point in my life being more matured more therapized have learned some lessons that's the only time i would a say something unprompted and intervene in uh intervene and with include other people in in like fully intervening and you know working on getting that person out of that situation or options to get out of that

situation all right uh we're gonna take a break now and we're back and it is time for what is the time for actually the next number that's time for the next call next one so write in hi megan and melissa i've been listening from the beginning and this is my first time emailing in i'm a 22 year old my pronouns are she her recently during a mental breakdown i realized that i don't have many friends anymore in my university town this is my fifth year in this town slash university because i'm pursuing two degrees all of my close friends graduated last year and moved away all which are too far and too expensive to visit i will graduate this may with both my degrees this is a big accomplishment

that I've worked really hard for. My problem is that since I don't have any friends here, I don't want to go to graduation, ceremony, a dinner, and then a big party. The whole fun part of it is experiencing it with the friends you went through this time with. These friends all celebrated last year, but I didn't. My family would fly in for graduation

and my boyfriend would also be there, but I feel like it wouldn't be the same partying and celebrating without these friends. I also wouldn't be invited to any graduation party since I'm not friends with anyone. I have anxiety and the idea of me being at the school graduation party without any friends makes me really anxious

and I feel like I wouldn't even enjoy it if I did go. I was thinking of going on a vacation with my boyfriend instead, but I feel like I will regret it if I don't celebrate this big accomplishment. I would love you to give me some advice. By the way, I'm a cancer. Thanks. I genuinely think going on a vacation is the best way to celebrate this. I do too. And that's coming from someone who, um, since like in my sorority, you have to, when you go in, you have to, when you pledge, you have to have a certain amount of hours. So most people like credits that you have in school. And so most people don't pledge into they're a sophomore but I went into school basically having credits as a sophomore so all

my friends were a year older than me and so I still had a but I still had a graduation party like even though some of my friends like they came back for the graduation party like if you invite them they might come back and it was mainly like for my family and friends like it was fine but like if i had an option to go on a trip 100 would have done that yeah i mean i had a i had a friend who went to college didn't like that college left took a break for the remainder of that year and then re-enrolled as a freshman at a new you know a different university and so when she was graduating like it took a lot for her parents to like even convince her to like walk at graduation and do the whole thing but like it was like i'll do a dinner but like i'm not gonna do

all of that stuff because all of her friends from high school had done it the year prior and like she like you know celebrated with them and did all of that and she doesn't regret that at all and i will say that i'm a big believer in like living for what will make you happy right now because i wanted to not go to my senior prom because i mean it's all in my book my prom date got suspended like a couple days before and I was like fresh off of a breakup and it was like a mess and everybody's like you'll really regret not going just go and I went and I'm gonna tell you right now years down the road I still regret fucking going like I shouldn't have gone and this doing things at Ikea we make things just for college life like the rose and mandel blackout

curtains in gray they say you can't put a price on sleep but we did for the low low price of $49.99 why are you in my room shh go back to sleep you have a big exam tomorrow shop back to school at ikea for like future you to be glad that you went if you know that you're not actively going to enjoy it in the moment you should know right after you go like that was a great choice I'm really glad that I went but like if you need to wait like 10-15 years to like say that like you know in hindsight it was good that I went I just don't believe that that that carries any weight because I think we just say that because we went like I don't think that you're going to go on a vacation and be like wow I really regret not spending my graduation with these random students who I'm not

friends with like you can celebrate graduate like by doing your own celebration that doesn't negate not celebrating this accomplishment like that is celebrating this accomplishment like i think you should have a dinner you should have your like i think you should still walk at graduation i think you should get the pictures you should invite any of your friends it's like i would really love you could come i feel like hella fucking weird about this like please come i would make the trip like i i've been to many i dropped out of college and i've been to many of friends graduations i would ask them to come and then i would have a dinner with your boyfriend your family and your friends and i would like do it up like get the little like a cap and gown cupcake decor

and like tell the person at the restaurant like oh we're celebrating graduation like really lean into it like like it's your birthday like your whole birthday month where it's like oh it's my birthday every time you go to the restaurant people give you presents so do that and then go on vacation with your boyfriend and then like bring your fucking cap and gown take some cute pictures wherever you're there doing that and like anytime you go out to dinner have your boyfriend say like oh yeah we're celebrating her graduation so like every night you're on vacation it's a big celebration like do all of that kind of thing and like i promise you that is a those are much bigger and like more substantial memories than partying with people

you're not close to and doing things that everyone else did the year prior because it will you need i think you need to celebrate differently because if you celebrate the same it will feel like you are repeating it at a lesser degree because you're not doing it side by side with your friends but like they watch they can watch you do it you watch them do it and you celebrate differently and it doesn't mean it means any less but i think it's easy to compare when you're doing the same thing don't do what i did though i had been drinking all day and i forgot i had been drinking all day because it was in the punch and you couldn't taste it you walked across that stage no no i i was sober at that point but my graduation party and then i went out because

it was a you might live in a college town and there's you know you just go to the bars around there i've been drinking all day i got completely blackout drunk i don't remember anything that happened after a past point my i'm so glad that my cousin was there because he he said i did not appear to be drunk because i was having full conversations with people you and me would have been a disaster together in college because that was also me and i also was just he told me the things i was saying i was just lying i was like none of this is true melissa that was me no one would know i was drunk and they're like drunk or just over thoughts and i go i'm fully lying about everything like i am not not a single thing i've said is true yeah i just woke up the next day

and he was explaining everything i'm so thankful that he was with me justice for cousins on this yes shout out to brian shut up brian he stopped he listened to one episode he said never again i don't need to know these things about you and i was like well i made up lies about some of the stuff that i told you how do you know i'm not lying now so um yeah he yeah so uh don't do that don't do that i i think graduations should be celebrated like birthdays i think most things should be celebrated like birthdays like make it a month milk it wear cute outfit love it take pictures like do all of that kind of stuff and have it be about you like and i think actually if you think about the win in this sense last year the

graduate graduation was about everybody was everybody graduation graduating and this year it's just about you like it is just about you fucking graduating and now you get to celebrate like and this is everyone else is also going to be able to be so happy for you because they're not also thinking about all of their own kind of stuff like this is and they know how much of an accomplishment it is and like what you get to look forward to because they did it last year so i think like you're it's a different circumstance but i think it's going to be it's a positive and unique one that if this was my friend going through this like i would be so fucking happy because i would know how hard it is to get to this point and graduate

and i don't personally know but i would know if i did graduate college and then also knowing that like you double majored and you stuck through for a whole fucking year while all of us were gone and like i like i dropped out of college because like if i had friends maybe i would have stayed in college like it is a really important thing and so like they know how much of an of a success this is yeah and fucking congrats like that's really impressive and again i can't emphasize this enough you get presents what did you get for graduation presents i got lots of money lots of gift cards some people gave me books i was like i'm gonna get like they just like because it was because it's kind of like your next your next like thing in life they're like you're moving on you know

and so they're giving money to you know buy things relatives yeah but also just like my parents friends like they that i wouldn't even like talk to but they sent me because it was a whole thing like they if i could go back in time and have your family adopt me i would that sounds so fun yeah that is i also got like nice like kind of like a wedding registry i got like nice like silverware and plates and things because they're like now you're moving out of like your college uh apartment and you can have nicer things damn my church gave me like three hundred damn and suddenly i'm religious amen there was like i remember i like i found out everyone was getting like graduation like my friend's like oh i'm going on a trip for my graduation like

has a graduation gift and i was like we get graduation gifts and so i was like can i have a graduation gift and also first of all all of my friends getting graduation gifts a bitch of course you're gonna graduate for me that was dicier we should be really celebrating that i did um and um i they i think i like they were like you can buy this thing and we'll give you this we'll give you like a hundred dollars to contribute towards it and i was like okay and then i was like yeah this is what i got for graduation not pretending that like i didn't pay for most i was like okay but like damn college actually i think you're i i had a lot of friends who like suddenly like i was like oh what car are we taking like oh my car i'm like you have a car

and it was like yeah i got it i used like my i used the money i got for graduation i guess that make sense now that i was like damn that is a lot of money if you bought a car yeah maybe i should have stayed in college i think you probably made more money leaving college than you would have gotten in gifts uh i mean also no debts it's crystal clear that based on what i crystal clear based on um my high school graduation i wasn't gonna get any gifts but you know i'm saying in my in my if i could fantasize about my life and i'm being reborn into your family yeah would have raked it in and it would have been like is she gonna graduate is she not it would have kept people on their toes you would it wouldn't it wouldn't even been on the toes things because

we would have got you the what the oh yeah there you go we would have gotten you medicated and that would have helped it's not wrong it is not wrong it was funny when i like this pat like when i didn't have my and i was trying to have a conversation with lots about something and he was just looking at me and i was like are you just thinking about the fact that like i went through high school and college like this he goes it's i'm i'm just you you you did so you did really well like you did really well for this being your default without and just still passing it's because i was a personality hire it was funny so teachers liked me and you're here today so that's all that matters and and now i also still have college anyways um well we this is all we this is all

we have for this um episode because we accidentally pulled a call that we've already done everyone so that was my bad we hope you all enjoyed this episode if you did you can leave us review in the podcast app or you can also leave review on spotify please call in for upcoming episodes and write in and also for don't blame them that we would love to get some i know we solicited some specific don't people to write in for don't blame them on this episode but please do and for any new callers you can ask us you can send things about anything and like you know we'll pick what we pick but just know that like you don't have to like make it like other calls that we've had or kind of fit into like any sort of box there we love things that are a little bit off the wall a little

wild and crazy and if you've been featured on a previous episode you would like to give us an update does not matter what episode or what season your call originally aired in or we read your advice send us a message you or you can also just write up an update or we can chat with you on video but yeah it's a great time stay tuned for the rest of the content rest of the podcast coming out this week we've got barbie and i was gonna say also we have a facebook group and if you'd like to join our facebook group if you were declined before that doesn't mean that you're going to be declined forever so just write back in and change the things that need to be changed because i gave explanations for a lot of people why you weren't accepted so you can you can rejoin

yeah or resubmit i should say well we hope you enjoyed we love giving you advice and let us give you advice also if you work for a company that does ads and like you want to you're like it's a holiday season you know who would be wonderful people for us to partner up with us send us an email yeah we can now sell our own ads which is exactly so you can literally shoot us an email like and we can we can figure this out and if you've done that before and it like didn't pan out because we forwarded you along to someone else set it again yeah we're in the driver's seat baby vroom vroom hop on in all right goodbye for real now this time yeah bye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond

imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter Thank you.