Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Love, Relationships, and Sex

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Sister regaining her independence Letting your coworker know you want to date them What to do with your inheritance Knowing if you're in love Don't Blame Them: Confronting a friend about a drinking problem (10/3/2024) Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the Scotia High Interest Savings Account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. hey hi hello welcome to a brand new episode of don't blam me remember that those days

don't blame me pod yeah they're so long gone because we've extended ourselves we have we've expanded the universe and if it's your first time here sit down get comfy because boy oh boy do we a lot of shows for you with you know all of the uh the we've have to replace the men with podcast men with microphones the um women who suck women whose uh mothers are um cited and established terrorists you know all those kinds of things um where you're like but how do i give up these podcasts i'm so used to listening to you don't you don't have to give up that routine just swap us in slide us in right there i love being slid into me too so this is an advice podcast where we give you casted advice and you may be wondering how are you qualified to give this advice and

is this advice good first of all the advice is advice is in the eye of the beholder and it's catered to each individual person and how we are qualified to give this advice is we're not but we have lots of opinions and is that not all that really matters because you could be so qualified have so many credentials but what if you have no thoughts just vibes we have so many thoughts so many vibes yep a thoughtful vibe i was out this weekend and there was this person sitting next to me and they were all in my face i noticed them really in my face how'd you notice there was a picture oh i don't even think it was that one oh well i just noticed someone's leaning in very close yeah i think it was the person on the other side of me but they

had their hand propped up on their chin and were leaning real close in on me we're just laughing like i was the funniest person in the world and i could feel their breath on my cheek no no no then when things were ending they're just like you're such a vibe and saying that i was like i don't want to be vibing with you like no we have and then you have a vibe too and it's not the vibe it's not the vibe i want and they kiss my cheek and i was just like who the fuck are you talking about i don't i don't even know their name oh good god they were gay though and i was just like i know that you you don't want me in a sexual way but you're giving off very sexual tension to me and i didn't like it don't like that yes neither of us want to fuck each other but like i also

don't like whatever this vibe is like rubbing my arm and stuff and i was just like no please stop touching me and back up yeah personal space off my face i should not feel your breath that's on my face good job because the way that i can't control it that i immediately go to violence if i feel hot breath on my face even if mods gets too close sometimes i'm like i'll flinch i'm like you have to move away so fucking expeditiously because my hands have a mind of their own i will like i'll i'll like shove you away i'll stop you like it's just like it's too much for me sensory overload it was too much it was i'm sorry it's yeah that's not fun i was like you know me going home and i was like they've breathed covid into me oh of course it's like my throat feels

scratchy i was fine it was nothing but hey it's a healthy fear yeah and also no one should be doing that anyway at all at all at all so um that's what it is we have opinions that's how we're going to give you advice and you know we take everything into consideration like if you are sensitive we want you to tell us that if you're like i need you to like give me the hard truth i would say that is by far our specialty we can without a doubt be sensitive and like delicate and like dance around it but you know sometimes you need an unbiased third party to tell you the truth because you might have those friends who are like, no, it's totally fine. And you realize, actually, why am I taking advice from this friend when I don't like the life choices

they're making? So we're a great way to bounce off those ideas off of. And that's what we're here for. So if you want to call in for an upcoming episode, you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976. International listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com. We also accept written versions. It's that same email address. And you can also write us a dm so for all of them you should be 18 or over have your parents permission and you have to let us know your age you could let us know your pronouns if you would like but for the voicemail and the voice memo you have to keep it under three minutes and for the written version under 300 words just remember the number three that's that's consistent throughout all of

them um and for the recording ones we do recommend that you just write it down practice it a few times time it out and then just read it it doesn't have to be a stressful thing where you're like coming up with it off the top of your head and trying not to forget things that's totally fine and you can like call again if you mess up that's also okay um but give us as many details as possible if there's like a history there with someone we want to know like how long have you been friends how long you've been in a relationship but most importantly which i think has helped make the write-ins the calls better is if there is like if you have feelings about someone give us the three examples like structure it kind of like a thesis or whatever being like this person and i

have beef and therefore what you know this kind of thing i need advice on the situation but if you have beef give us the here are the three things why we have beef here are the three examples of this it gives us a good little lowdown on that um because we want to give you the best advice as possible we want to be you know we can be brutally honest very truthful we're never going to lie to you unless you ask us to lie to you or help you come up with a lie or something i love coming up with the lie but it has to be still ethical i'm not just out here lying to lie megan will lie i'm a i'm a big fan of i also won't lie to people like i'm also a very honest person to a fault i've had people go a little less honesty but i will advise everybody to lie and do a little white

lie whatever you need to do because like here's the thing nobody is being 100 truthful all of the time so you don't have to be either we can all we all tell little white lies and sometimes you need help making them better because what i don't like is when someone lies and it's a bad fucking lie that to me is more insulting that's why i was super mad about that but am i wrong where somebody was just the person lied about being sick but they were on they went to the concert but then kept their co-worker in their close friends lie better like you deserve to be punished well think it through because lying and cheating i think require are both life skills and they require effort and they require intelligence when you don't do those things you then love

those of us who are incredibly creative and resourceful in cheating on tests with the other people who just would lean over and look and get caught immediately i go we're actually not the same what i am doing is i'm building tenacity i'm building resilience i'm also building resourcefulness creativity and i'm not the same as the lurky eyes over here because you're actually putting in work and they're not putting in work and hey i had a teacher who i'll famously say what i had a friend who she would do all the right work she would get really good scores on all of the tests i would cheat on every single test and i would do extra credit that had nothing to do that I would suck up to my teacher and we had the same grade and she was so mad and she went to him

and was like how how could you do like this makes no fucking sense she didn't say fucking because we were children or high schoolers and she's not like that and he was like this looks bad on you this doesn't look bad on her you coming me you coming to me and telling her I know what grade I've given her I know what she's doing you have different sets of skills this is a life skill and she's like well this isn't fair and he goes life isn't fair and that is your lesson for today but also if you're in the real world putting practical work in do you know what you have in front of you the answers you just have to find them and it's like the amount of effort and creativity that i'm going for and doing all of this i go it would just be easier if my brain

understood science it would actually just be so much fucking easier if i could if i could grasp the concept of centrifugal force i can't and that's my cross to bear here's the thing if you was just if you said megan it's a difficult forest and you let me get in an above ground pool and just run around in circles and create a little a little it's that uh choral that uh right that's that not amusement parks what's it called yeah fairs that my dad wouldn't let me to do it yeah yeah it fucks up your insides i'm convinced that my organs when i did that one time i was like things are not where they're supposed to be like that's why you're uh my uterus yeah it's back there imagine that'd be really funny if that's what did it it was the

Gravitron well anyway okay twins let's get into the first one hi Megan and Melissa I'm a long-time listener but first-time caller for context I've been listening since high school and I'm now 23 and in law school so it feels surreal to finally call in um but I'll dive right into the situation So I have a younger sister who's 21, and we're super close. We're like best friends, and we always joke that we should have been twins. About a year ago, she moved about four hours away with her boyfriend to take a gap year from college. And while it's been hard not seeing her as much, I was really excited for her because she wanted this new adventure. And now she's in school up there, and he's working full time.

They've been together for over a year, and my family and I have always really liked him. He's a great guy, super attentive, and they seem really happy. But about a month ago, my sister started acting differently, and I could tell something was weighing on her, and she eventually opened up and said that she's been feeling like she's been losing her independence in the relationship and is thinking about taking a break. It kind of caught me off guard because I didn't really realize she was feeling this way, but I know that she deeply values independence, and so I do get it. At first, I reassured her that ups and downs are normal in relationships, but also I told

her that whatever decision she makes, I just want her to be happy. Fast forward now, she's decided that she wants to take a break and has signed a lease for her own place. It's complicated because her boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong. He's super attentive, always up for an adventure and takes care of things. But part of the problem, she feels like she's becoming too dependent and wants to regain her sense of independence. What makes the whole situation even harder is that her boyfriend doesn't have much of a support system and he didn't grow up in a loving household and doesn't have many friends or family to turn to. And so my dad and I have both been talking to him, just giving him the space to vent

because he's really struggling with this. I find myself in a tricky position because I love and support both of them, and I don't want to be in the middle of their relationship at this intense point or feel like I'm going behind her back by talking to him in any way. Any advice on how to navigate this without betraying either of them would be really helpful. Thank you guys so much for listening. and for context i'm a virgo she's a gemini uh says a lot about our two different personalities okay thank you love you guys bye i mean right off the bat i feel like this is a lot to live

with a boyfriend at 21 who you've been dating for a year and like you her saying that she wants her independence i'm like okay cool and then as soon as you get to the point of like he doesn't have a good relationship with his family he doesn't have many friends whatever i was like oh yeah like this makes total sense then because she is his entire support like it's that's a lot on anyone let alone a 21 year old who's only been in a relationship for a year and now you're living together and you also really value your independence yeah i'm like good on her for recognizing that and getting out i think this isn't i think this is like really really good on her and like not something me i at 21 would have been able to articulate i just would have

known something was wrong and would have ghosted when you say like he didn't do anything wrong like that kind of stuff like somebody doesn't necessarily have to do something wrong where the relationship is coming to an end or a pause or a break it's just not the right right relationship for her to be in right now and I understand you not wanting to be in the middle but you are in the middle of this you and your dad are both in the middle of this and I'm really I'm really not trying to put my like personal spin on this but like if my sister was over here talking to my ex that I'm trying to have some space from I would be so mad at my sister yeah like so mad and i know that's like i know that your heart is in a good place

um and you're trying to support him but like well i mean i think the real context here is does she know yeah you know yeah does she know that you're doing this is this happening behind her back yeah because like does she have the same mindset that melissa has would she be like really fucking pissed and then you're not telling her because then i think that like you've really betrayed your sister and i don't even think it's benefiting him yeah but like even if i did know i wouldn't like i'm trying to create some space and give him himself some independence but you're still quote unquote there for him but like it seems like everything moves so fast for them because he doesn't have anyone else i wonder and i'm not trying to say like oh you have feelings for him you have a

crushing him or anything like that but do you relate to him a bit more than your sister like socially and especially like sister dynamics like sometimes you have one sibling who is a little more outgoing and tends to have a little bit more friends like and so there is kind of a baked in history there of like knowing what she's like and then knowing that like do you relate to him on a deeper level like that because like i have friends who have become family um where there are relationships that they have with people who I have not had as long a relationship with that I am more aligned with their the other person on and like for me I always like say when I have these conversations with people where I'm like if I really really really only see myself

on the other side and you're looking to vent or you're looking for any sort of thing like that I will just say it I'll always say like I just don't think I'm the right audience like I like love you and your feelings are totally valid you should be able to have someone hear you out but I see myself way too much in their side of this and like it's not like a huge ordeal or a big deal or like a make or break kind of situation but it's just like I'm not going to be able to be unbiased because that's the choices I would make those are the feelings that I would have and you when you know both people enough I think the issue here is that like you can't be there for both of them because they're both going to want to talk about each other and that's too much for you to

carry of that and i do think like what happens if they don't want if your sister doesn't want to get back together and she gets a new person she's dating he might not be able to continue letting you be a part of his support system like that's too much for him and then he's back at square one right i think it's very like kind and commendable again as someone who like does not have I don't have a like family circle I don't have like a big support system I really like I think it's very honorable and I respect that and I would really without a doubt appreciate that but there is what would be most helpful for me if I was in his situation was to have the people who you will always still be her people to him always and so if he can like reconcile that I would not

be able to like I wouldn't be able to fully open up I I just would you would have already been in that category to me but the most helpful thing would be to encourage me to get out there and like make some friends and get out there or like hey i have a friend of a friend who like lives in that city that'd be great for like setting up those kinds of things instead of just keeping one foot in the relationship because i also think like if you want them to get back together that's your ultimate goal i do think this will drive them apart even further and i just don't think that's being a good sister no and i don't think it's being a good friend to him either because i think like it's holding again holding on to hope of a relationship that like you have no sway over

her and like even if you say that to him and he says that he believes it it's he's gonna read into things of like why you're do all of those things and like this is good and I it's good what she's doing is the right choice and it's a good choice and it does feel like you are judging her for that and it does feel like you are on his side which is fine you're allowed to feel that way you just to remove yourself from that situation and circumstance like you can say it one time but you can't toe the line with both of these friendships and relationships like I've had friends who have been not siblings but like friends who are dating and they've broken up and I've been like you were wrong like I think that you fucked up I don't think that was like

the right thing to do but I didn't end if it's not a friendship ender and this isn't your sister If it's not like a friendship ender, there's no need to continue to like silently judge or like build resentment or hold animosity towards like their actions. Like if you feel some type of way about something someone did, even if it didn't affect you, I think you can say it one time, let them know. But if you're not going to do anything about it except like build this kind of anger and frustration about it, I don't think that's healthy at all. And I don't think it's fair. Like you're allowed to air your grievances and even like to tell other people being like, I really think she made a mistake. you can say that one time but don't go around saying that like you can talk about that with your dad since your dad's already in the middle of this too but like don't say it to the boyfriend

to him and like you can tell your sister being like hey i think that this is like really fucked up and then she can tell you i think that i'm prioritizing myself and then we can also tell you i think she did the right thing nobody is more or less right like it can just be who you relate to and who you see who you see yourself in and what role that you feel aligns most with you but once you've said that you've said that and it's done you can't like you you can't continue to like then hang out with him and then it's like okay so you think we should get back together but you're hanging out with him like I just think that it is already so messy and again I think wanting to be there for him is really kind and I would also really appreciate that but there's a

way to do that and the way to do that is to encourage independence it is to encourage metaphorically spreading his wings right like finding other people and things that aren't attached to her and that's hard and that's not something he might be comfortable doing immediately but i think i know that's what he needs and if you really care about him and his well-being you're would advocate for that right so yeah i'm sorry this is a tip it's a shitty fucking position to be in i'd have like a couple friends again if they like broke up i would be like what the am i gonna do like that's hard and this is harder because it's a sibling all right well we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get into some more

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You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. and we're back and it's time to get into the next one hey megan and melissa i'm 28 and use she her pronouns i'm needing your advice on letting my co-worker know i'm interested in him i've known him for three years he was in a relationship when we first met so i never

thought anything of my small crush now he's been single for about a year and i feel like it's time for me to make my move luckily my job doesn't prohibit employees from dating so that's not a problem the problem is i'm not very forward i'm an introvert and insanely shy for my big age so i guess i'm looking for advice on how to actually tell him so i text him ask him out i have no clue i'm lost help just because your job doesn't have anything against it it doesn't mean that it's the right thing to do ask your co-workers because i'm gonna tell you right now there might be some co-workers that i go oh my god you should totally date not here though you should quit and then you should date and i'd love to see you for a barbecue on the weekend i don't want i don't want to be a

part of that here in our workplace right now no no no if you want to if you're serious about wanting to date him get a new job do not make him get that we already have seen enough we've actually seen friendships messed up as long as we've been doing these shows we've seen dating things messed up as long as we've been doing these shows like don't bring that to the workplace no no i i agree with it i think like the exception to the rule would be if you work at mgm you work somewhere that's like and one person works in the phoenix office in marketing and the other person works in the new jersey office in sales yeah and then you have to worry about a long distance relationship and then you're gonna have to get a new job anyway so let's just cut cut cut out the whole

thing like no don't do this yeah scram he doesn't want to talk to you no because like here's the thing what you know here's what you actually really need to tell us what is your job how long have you been there how much are you getting paid what is your position and what's his like if this is you work at tcby call up coldstone like pivot pivot and like tell him and then pivot but if you're at like jp morgan this is your dream fucking job you're like in line to get a promotion and he works on your team alongside you or he works above you directly or he works directly below you do you want this man or do you want a job we've also seen where people work in separate departments and they date but then things happen and things get moved around and then now you're

in the same department with it yeah so no like don't no it's like not sustainable and like i say this is someone who met her fiance at work but he called me into the office and said i've put in my two-week notice and i forget what the date was it was you know two weeks from then and then he said i'd like to take you out when that's over and i was like oh okay like and he i don't even know if he said exactly like that it was like could have even been more like vague of being like so you know that means what i hopefully think that you think that also means and i was like okay and then when the two weeks were done not during the two weeks when the two weeks were done we went out i too have dated people that i've worked with but did not date them until they were

done with their job this happened a couple times yeah and you guys should know how perceptive I am didn't even know and that's crazy crazy because there are people who nobody else could figure it out and I immediately went yeah these two never never once for that never once for that I was I was bamboozled so yeah I just think that it's totally fine to have a crush on your co-worker i think you've done everything right in the sense like you know that he's been single for a year now and all of that kind of stuff but i do think you would be making a huge mistake if this is like your dream job or a like a career step is pivotal in your success and your future growth whether it's with this company or not but like within your career path like if this is not like a

fucking summer camp position this isn't like a you know a retail job that you fucking hate it's it's something that like you can have a comparable thing on your resume that you don't need any of this like if you are not willing and able to like step away from your job expeditiously no and also i think that he is a man his career is far more promised his success and his promotions are far more promised that it is he should be the one pursuing you saying hey i put my two weeks in you should not have to quit your job to show your interest in this man he should have done that do what i mean like i just don't think i think if you're like going to meet someone at work and it's a heterosexual relationship i do not think the woman should quit that job i think it's a

man's responsibility to quit the job it's a man's responsibility to quit his job yeah okay and get into the kitchen yeah we bring up this man a lot but olympia's dad oh yeah he quit his job at reddit because he said get a black woman in there and you know what he's doing now putting on track meets for women athletes and paying them he said who's got any requests yeah he said who's got any requests hey i'm making the playlist who's got a request someone might come live yep make the valiant okay that's who y'all want she's coming and even when his daughter says daddy i want to say he goes i'm so sorry honey it's too late she doesn't even say anything she just looks at me goes okay fine right this man knows changing careers and making lives better that's that's

the kind of man no that's he's a father he's a good man savannah like that's the kind of effort and energy i want someone to put into wanting to date me and like i would hope that if this guys also has feelings for you like it you should never like risk your job for a maybe crush yeah but also like the idea the i'm like a firm believer in the specialty like my ego i never want to like pursue someone or like make the first move and have them be like i had no this thought never crossed my mind i'm like okay then never mind it what do you mean like it there's one there's a difference between being like oh i thought you were so out of my league and of course i thought you're pretty but like I didn't think you'd be interested or whatever but like if it's like so

out of left field in that like that I'm not interested in and so like I think if he in the next like month quits then maybe he's also been thinking about it but I don't think that you should have to be the one to like bring this up and switch out your life but also if he quits it may have nothing to do it most likely has nothing to do with you no that's what I'm saying though but like i think that it also doesn't look good as a man to date to date like someone who you work with either and so like he should then take it on him if he is feeling for you he should take it upon himself to quit his job and then ask you out but like already i've i'm kind of a firm believer if someone has feelings for you like you know and like maybe i'm just kind of perceptive in that

way that like you you you can catch a vibe and if you don't have the like maybe other people you can't figure it out or whatever but this the barrier of entry is quite literally you cannot work with him and i am fundamentally against you quitting your job or putting your job in the back burner or being willing to risk your job for a man yep that's against my religion so you wanted help you put it in all caps that's the help we're giving don't do it don't don't don't do it don't do it don't even do it for a second again unless you work at a summer camp or you work at some place where you can like pivot really quickly like no no because again even if you're allowed what if you break up and then you're miserable and you don't want to see him again right or what

if he gets like fucking weird and like the date goes badly and then you just see him again like or it's just a promotion over you yeah there's so many fucking things there that are just like super fucking weird and companies are going to stay loyal to the men they're not going to stay little to the women and like you will it will then be you can't both benefit then and then it's like who's gonna get a promotion who's not who's gonna it's just and also like people aren't the same as they are at work no no i have a whole different persona when i'm in an office no this is camp goggles do you know how many times i've had crushes on guys who like the amount of fucking got my production like where i'm just like we're on location and like he's cute and the second the

second i'm out of that space i go i'm shocked everybody's on their best behavior usually if they're a good worker and like you haven't seen their apartment like you don't know their friends like you don't like know their like you don't know what kind of music they listen to because like they're telling you the work appropriate stuff that they do and like how they talk or whatever and then the second that it's like we're off the clock uh-oh the amount of times that like it's got it's literally like drunk goggles camp goggles that I immediately go I regret everything and these men would tell you like we had such a connection she was like she was so into me and I and I understand why you would think that because the version of me was into that version of you but

then we stepped into the daylight and I was I was horrified yeah I remember my old assistant when she started coming to shoots when we were in person and she was like you're different with megan than you are other places and i was like yeah because like this is a friend that i'm we are being real here everybody else corporate melissa's out no yeah it was like don't don't think that we can talk like that this does not translate into our other endeavors at all no oh it's so funny i have a hard time with i'm like unfortunately far too similar to myself and then i assume everybody else is just like being who they are and then i went oh i actually hate this version of you unfortunately they love me both ways

yeah i can literally like i can't even count how many dudes i've just met on like shoots or production whatever where they were like whatever happened like the one i without i'm the one that got away and i went couldn't run fast enough oh we're gonna take another break and then we'll get into some more This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales. Using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business.

The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. Get your tickets now for the Dog Stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Go! A therapist. Kill or be killed. Jacob Elordi.

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Arm up! The Dog Stars, directed by Ridley Scott. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. All right, we're back. And here's the next one. Hey Eminem, I'm getting so much mixed advice from my family and friends. I decided to write in and see what you think.

I'm 20 years old and I use she, her pronouns. My aunt just passed away. We were not that close, but she was always outspoken about me being her favorite. Well, we had the reading of the will and I was asked to be present. I'm thinking she's leaving me some old jewelry or something. Um, no, she left me a very large sum of money. The thing is, I'm only 20. I have no clue what to do with this large sum of money.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm just trying to figure out what to do. Some ideas I've had are buying a house, but the market sucks, investing, or making some splurge purchase that's just for me. I want to be smart, though. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. i love the podcast i need to know how much money because my advice is invest unless it is such a large amount of money that buying a house and where you would buy a house that you would be

able to live in it and sell it afterwards not like have to like rent it out or do anything like that like i don't know no don't do that but if it's like 20 million dollars and you like you can buy a house in the palisades first of all would you like to be a producer for sister sign productions we have a position just for you would you like to join our patreon by the way just the the cost there you can change it if you want you want to add a little more money there but like if it is something like if you can buy new york real estate you can buy california certain areas not baker's field if you can buy like los angeles desirable you can buy real estate in a place where you can live in it and then within two years the value of the home has gone up already

because of no redo no no remodels you've done nothing just based on the location there are so few places like that and if it has not been like that for i'm gonna say the last 20 years don't believe it if they say the market oh the prices are increasing on it's not that's not actually it's inflated yeah yeah but like real estate agents will say that yes it's all inflated are you in school? Are you working full time? Because that also factors into my questions. Like, is it enough money where like you can you don't have to work for the rest of your life? Or is it like enough where like it's a down payment on the house and then you still need to, you know, make the house payments? What? There's questions. But I would say I think if like if you have money

to buy a house, I would say buy a house. But like be smart about what kind of house it is, where it is and this should be a house that you're going to be in for a minute but like don't splurge on anything because you're going to regret that in the future also talk to a financial advisor yeah that's my big like a reputable one you can listen to my other podcast bad with money we have a lot of reputable people on there and they give a lot of advice for i think we actually had a similar write in about this it's but you can search and find it but i recommend listening and figuring out like how to be smart with them with the money also like was it like in a check or and do you need to go um deposit into the account because you can also talk to the bank and they can answer

basic questions for you too yeah for a financial advisor it cannot be anyone you know it can't be like oh i have an uncle or my friend like my uncle's friend no no it has to be fully independent it can't even be like a reference from someone who you who you know who could benefit from this at all and I don't mean to say they're like oh these people wouldn't be shady it's not about them being shady and like having malicious intent when recommending it it is just the matter of how that person will then give you advice because they will filter it regardless how professional they are they will involuntarily be filtering it through the lens of how they got this contact with you and how they think that you're you you're going to react with the money and how the idea

that they have of you based on the person who recommended you whatever the first thing i would say is do you have any debt do you have any loans like pay off all of that that was what i would say like if it's not student loans student loans you can't pay off even love some but if it's a credit card like calculate how much you need for that and then invest the money don't put the money into a house that then needs to be sold to then recoup all of those things whatever you need to do your whole budget and then how much your loans are how much you're going to be able to contribute to that for how long and then not invest all of it because again using that to fund those things but being able to put that in use what you have to pay off those things over the time period and then invest

the rest, I would say, if you have loans. Yeah. Don't pay off everything because that affects your credit. Put the money into a high interest savings, a high interest yield banking account because it'll be generating interest. But also like you have, you just know that every month that money's coming out, but you don't want to pay it all off at one time because it'll mess up your credit. Yeah. And like, do you want to go to grad school? Do you want to go to med school? Do you want to do anything like that? Like that is the stuff where if you have zero desire to get your master's, don't let anyone in your family convince you to use this money for a higher degree, because the only sure not even sure, but like the only like the most quote unquote safest way to make money from this money and to not lose this money is investing. And still, even if it's like a very, very safe investment, you might not grow it at all. Like it might just stay exactly the same. And you can invest in yourself and invest in your future and

all that, but it has to actually be what you want. And so at 20, buying a house sounds like, wow, that what a fucking dream. Do you want to live in a house? Do you want to upkeep a home right now? Like, do you want, are you going to live with friends? Do you want to be a landlord Lord, if you live with friends and all of that, like there are so many ideas of ways you can spend your money that like people will tell you who are at different places in their life. And as somebody who started making good money at like that same age as you, all of that stuff, like I was like, I'm just investing. Like, and I'm just, and I did very well invested. Like that was like, it worked really well. And that's like a kind of thing. If you don't know what you want

yet with this money, just invest it. Don't spend it. Don't just be like, well, I'll spend a little here and spend a little here because that money's not going to come back and you should be intentional with it. So if you're still on the fence or you're just not sure, take a chunk of it and start investing it and sit on it. Just wait. You don't have to make a huge decision immediately. And a lot of other people, family members, if they want you to go to a house, then maybe they can live there for free maybe they can do those kinds of things so just think through all of the the strings that come with the money and the strings only really come with the money when you start spending the money so i want to know how much you got so bad because yeah if it's enough that like you

never have to work again in your life that i honestly i actually would not want that at 20 because like you've so much of your like yeah you because who how do you relate to other 20 year olds how do you relate to like find other people because like once you're like getting into like older and you have all these like people who are full-time work in charity and they do all of this kind of stuff like you have a circle of peers who have reached that kind of level but like most people don't have that kind of money that young you find other rich people totally but then you have to find them and then yeah and relate to them at that point yeah and they've grown up with that and then that's a different thing yeah yeah i don't think at 20 no no now yes totally now i

can handle it at 20 i could not no and i was still in school were you still in school 20 no i was still in school the way that i was out there no yeah like i spent money on like stupid ugly and like i will say i of everybody who is in the same youtube era as me i was the most frugal like i did not go crazy and spend like but there are some like i have like some like nice expensive i have specifically have like two like very nice expensive two or three very nice expensive hand bags and they bought some like expensive shoes like a couple pairs of those but like i like look at those bags and i go did i afford it yeah like could i afford it totally but now looking back i would have never spent the money on that now there's one thing that i that i'm like i would

i like that i still have this like this still hold a sentimental place in my heart but that's only knowing that like i continue to make money like it's just one of those things that like there's so much uncertainty at 20 that you throw on a fuck ton of money with that that's gonna be really fucking hard to like weed out what you also want to do and like what where is my drive coming from where is my like motivation coming from and all of that and um yeah i also would not tell your friends no financial but like don't tell anybody don't tell anybody i mean the people in your family know but um like financial literacy is so important for you right now yeah it's important for everybody but like getting this big lump of money where you don't know what to do with it

you got to talk to somebody that does know what to do no yeah i like i will literally ask not like all like mods like i would try and ask him like financial advice and before we were like engaged she was like i don't feel comfortable looking at it i don't feel comfortable like i don't that's not that's something you have to talk to something like this is your money this is what you've done this is all that stuff and like i'm getting better financial literacy but like i just paid people to be financially literate for me because like that was hard for me and like you can also do that and like that was very helpful i would have never invested if i didn't have them and like i didn't even know how my investments were doing and i was like no you're

they're doing good and i was like cool have no idea i would have invested in like dip and dots like if it if it was like up to me and my creative brain it would have been great because dip and dots is doing pretty good i know they're not with dip and dots itself but uh if they're using the technology for something i forgot what it was but i remember learning about it what we have been supporting Dippin' Dots since the fucking beginning. Nobody can't even eat it. Goddamn fucking forget it.

Blind support. Same thing with Hawaiian rolls. I go, can't participate? I love what you're doing and I would love one day, but I do respect the fact that you brand integrity. Yeah.

But also I was gonna say, don't, if your parents or your family starts telling other people about this, that to me is an automatic no, goodbye. Tell us how much money you made.

I'm just like so curious, like not in like a creepy way, but don't invest in crypto solid that's like the big one all right next one hello megan and melissa i need advice on love relationships and sex i'm a 30 year old sexual pulsed asexual pen i guess i've never been sexually attracted to anyone in my entire life and i've never felt turned on at all a cis woman in a kind of small town the dating pool is already small being asexual makes it practically non-existent. I've never been in love and never been in a relationship. I've been in a friends benefits situationship kind of thing and I did a lot of

things I very much didn't want to do because I thought it was something that I just had to do. That just cemented for me how sex repulsed I actually am and I am incredibly scared that I also might be aromantic. That might also be because of my mental health. Anyway, a few questions. One, how does it feel to be in love? Two, do you think it's possible to be in an open relationship where one partner seeks sex outside of the relationship or is that just too risky? Maybe with a rule to never have sex with the same person twice to avoid developing feelings? Or do I have to find a person that is as sex repulsed as I am. Do you think that you could be in a relationship with a person that didn't have sex with you? Because I feel like that for many, many, many

people is very, very unrealistic. Anyway, love the pod. Thank you so much. Everybody's different. Everybody's levels for romance, everybody's level for sex, everybody's level for companionship is different and I think what you what you just said I don't think it's unheard of as far as someone being asexual and then maybe aromantic too and still being with someone and also opening up the relationship where they uh they're free to hook up with people but they can't catch feelings the thing about that though is that catching feelings for somebody that's not something you can just turn off and even if they only have sex with them one time they could still catch feelings but if you are in a relationship where these are the boundaries it can't be like you can't have

sex with them more than one time but it could be like if you start having feelings for somebody else I want to know too. Because then you have all the information. But as far as like, could I be in a relationship with someone? I know what my needs are and all my needs need to be met in a relationship. For me, this is me, just me. I don't speak for everybody, but like if I'm in a committed relationship. I'm in a committed relationship and I need all my needs to be met because if I'm committing to someone for me, yes, like we have sex. It's also romantic. I'm also like in love with them. So those are what my boundaries are. Those are my hard and fast rules, but I'm not everybody. I, yeah, I'm not, I'm, I'm not someone who's interested in having sex with other

people i'm the same way like i want my my needs that need to be met in a relationship like one person cannot meet all your needs they can't be your they can't be everything for you yeah but in the same sense as you it's like for me like i i need to get those romantic and sexual feeling like gratified through that singular relationship other things i'm getting from other friendships other relationships with people but like that's encompassed in one but again like we'll say like we're not everybody but also like i would encourage you to like look at reddit posts of people talking about having different libidos and relationships just to see how so many people who are not asexual and not aromantic are in mismatched relationships in terms of sex drive or affection

or whatever like it is it's not so um black and white it's not like you fit into this category and therefore then this all matches up perfectly so many people are on different levels of how often they want to have sex what they view intimacy as or whatever like I've had had callers but like I've had friends who have been in relationships where they're like oh my god this person never wants to have sex and like they were totally happy with it and like they would be happy probably not like hardly ever having sex or like you know maybe they're more into what other things of whatever and then that was just like they're just not sexually compatible people so I think like you I'm not like assigned feelings to how you were speaking but like it sounded like you

were a little bit uh hoping the answer that we're saying is not you have to find someone who also has the exact same preferences as you because it feels like maybe that felt like that it lower it makes the dating pool smaller because you did establish like you're in a smaller town and all of that but I would again like take away it looking so looking so black and white you want somebody who understands you that doesn't mean that they have the exact same lived experience as you that doesn't mean but it means that they understand your boundaries respect your boundaries and also want the same thing out of a relationship that doesn't mean that they have the same instincts it doesn't mean they have the same whatever that is it's not limiting in the sense

of well now you only have this one specific dating pool of people because even if those people checked off those things for you you might fucking hate them like and like you just might not be compatible in like a romantic sense I mean you might not be compatible in like a companionship kind of sense so I think knowing what you need out of a relationship is the most important part versus what does this person need in a relationship and then how how can I find a way to give them that or find other ways for them to like achieve that because that's centering the other person and it sounds like that's something that you are familiar with doing and if that's a habit you've gotten yourself into instead of being like how am i going to meet the needs of this partner it's like okay

what are my needs and like what is this partnership with and you know if you're like really like not feeling good about this time period of like you're just not in the like dating and this sounds like exhausting and stressful you don't have to like and again that has nothing to do with being aromantic or asexual or anything like that happens to everybody. Like there are certain times where like if it's miserable, no matter who you meet, no matter how many boxes they check off, it's going to be miserable because you don't want to do it. And I think that like we put as like a world society, we put so much pressure on romantic relationships and on partnerships like long lasting these kinds of like very love filled romantic relationships as like the end all be

all and when you have if you have friends who have like they are kind of pairing off and doing that kind of thing it really feels like that's like what you're quote-unquote supposed to do and I think like the thing that is far more important and obviously that sounds rich coming from someone who like is in a relationship I was not in a relationship for a really long time and Like, I didn't know if I was going, I was like, I could not envision or fathom myself meeting someone that I would want to be with all the time. Like, I just could not. And I had so many friends and I had like filled my life with that.

And there was, when I didn't have a great friend's life, it was kind of like a holy fucking shit. I don't know how, like, what am I, how am I going to find this partnership? But like, when I filled my life with my hobbies, my passions, my friends, the things that I liked I worried a lot less about ending up in a relationship or with a partner and it was like if it happens cool but like you have to be really fucking great and I have to really fucking like you because I like everything else that's going on but if you're not enjoying the rest of your life like I think life if you look at it like a checklist you're not going to be able to check

everything off in life you're going to check off as many things as you can or as you want to and it gets to a certain point where you're like I don't even need to do the rest of these I don't even care that much about these or whatever but it has to be you have to be fulfilled in other aspects of your life so I think if you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for this specific thing it's good to take a break and or to look at like where is this pressure coming from like is it coming from outside sources and you ask like what does it feel like to be in love that's hard to put a finger on but I think for me when I've been like really in love it's like I feel safe with this person and I can't do anything like I can just be myself and like I do get butterflies

in my stomach and they do just like I'm happy and I think about them at random parts of the day and that makes me smile but I think when you're in love you just know that you're in love yeah you wouldn't be questioning it i i agree with that and i think like love means different things at different points and there's different types of love yeah and like i don't look at i have i know people who they were like once they got older and they were in a more serious relationship they're like oh i thought i had been in love and i had said and i didn't until this moment i don't feel that way yeah i think you weren't you love that person as much as you could at that point in your Yeah, you have that is the capacity like your heart can give this much love at this age. And that's and then the life you live and the more experience you have, you're able in the Grinch, your heart's growing, you're able to expand that more. And like, there's more meaning to it. There's more ways to show your love and your affection and your care and like showing up for people means different things, the older you get, and as you go through experiences.

And so like, I love my high school boyfriend as much as I could love anybody at like 16. But do I love him the same way or as much as I love Mott's? No, it's completely different because I'm also a totally different person. So in my experience, like Melissa, I've never questioned if I've been in love with someone. the first time I was in love I knew I loved them as a friend like I knew I really loved them and cared for them as a friend and it wasn't until someone else was like you are you are in love with him that I was like oh you're right this is not how I feel about my my friends like I feel differently about this person than I do my friends and then like I think that like for me when you're in love it's something that like I'm afraid to talk and open my mouth because the only thing i'm gonna say is i love you like that's like that's the only thing it's a one-track mind and like you it's like you have to spit it out like it's something it's crawling and it's it's

not a sitting on that i don't think is a comfortable feeling keeping that in like if you are in love it's it sounds cheesy it's very shakespearean like you shot it from the rooftops like if you it is an impossible feeling to keep in you can see it in other people's faces you can tell when you talk to them even if you're just friends like you can sense that from them and if you're feeling that it's like a silly as it sounds like a cough or a burp it's something that's coming up that you cannot suppress so i agree in the sense that like if you have to ask yourself do i like if you have to intellectualize it and figure that out in that way you i i don't think that you love them in the way that i have known love and i'm not saying that like that's not love or whatever but

like i can we can only ever give advice on like how we've experienced love but yeah i i think it's it's a growing emotion in the sense that like you don't grow to love someone but your love for someone grows yeah but i think you can also grow to love somebody totally but like i i don't think that you can say i love them and then it builds and then you actually do love them i think like you can you love somebody and there's other steps like you can really like someone you can be infatuated you could have a crush there's like so many other really fun stages to be in before you get to like the love part and I think like sometimes people can say that or identify that feeling when it's the other ones and then you get to the point where you go oh I actually do love

you but it's like what Melissa said like you just feel comfortable you feel you feel safe like it's just there's no more hurdles to jump through there it's just like you've reached you ran the race and you've reached the finish line and you're just like you get the water and you get your food and it's just like it's easier right so i hope that was helpful at all this is obviously we can't relate in the personal sense so if anyone who's listening has any personal experience with this and would like to give their own advice not from our just vague world concept advice like anything personal we would love that because yeah we can only ever go from our own lived experience all right we're gonna take a break

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and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs. You put your heart into your company, so we put our heart into making sure it's protected. Get insurance that's really big on care. Find an agent today at Desjardins.com slash business coverage. and we are back and it's time for don't blame them what is don't blame them don't blame them is when you the listeners call in write in dm us your thoughts and feelings on calls or writings that we've had in the past and please more people write in i know you all have thoughts

we're a very opinionated community yeah right in call you might be like it might be about being an introverted boyfriend and you're like I was an introverted boyfriend let me tell you about that experience that I had or maybe it's a call about a teacher and you're like I'm a teacher I know this maybe it's a call about Dippin' Dots and you're like as a Dippin' Dots connoisseur first of all I would say welcome to the club and you have your own thoughts and feelings I'm Megan Melissa I'm writing in for don't blame them for the girl whose friend is in it is an alcoholic I totally agree with Megan do not invite her so I had a similar situation me and all my friends I grew up with would get together for Thanksgiving every year to do a catch-up so two

years ago one of our friends was rolling off pills and drunk before she even got there we did a catch of our year video where each of us presented how our year was. Our friend mentioned her pet dying and started cracking up laughing. It was a mess. She got so drunk she passed out using the bathroom. The following year we didn't invite her to Friendsgiving. We let her know we weren't inviting her and that she needed to clean up her act. So fast forward this year we were trying to settle on the date and the friend we didn't invite let us know she checked into rehab for a few months without telling anyone. She is now totally clean. She said us not inviting her was a real eye opener to how bad her behavior has gotten with other events that happened. So don't invite her.

It may just be the wake up call she needs. I do advise you talk to her though and tell her she's not invited. It's not an easy conversation and there will be some anger. Hopefully she eventually sees you were trying to do what was best for her this year for our friends giving we're doing mocktails in honor of our friend getting clean that's great that is great i love that yeah i know people who should be sober and they're not and i know people who are sober and it's like fantastic and like such a great thing that they have done and i when you know i cater the events or the things that we are doing to the people who are the comfortability of someone who is being sober versus making us all uncomfortable to not want to make someone else uncomfortable who is

going through something like that. I said it before, but I think it's a huge disservice to your friends that if I was going through that, I wouldn't want to be pushed away. That would make me feel more isolated. I would want someone to tell me exactly why they're doing that because it's not anyone's fault for having a dependency or using any substances, whatever that is, but it does not just affect them and that's good to know very good to know so very happy for your friend and that you all were willing to maintain and continue that friendship and that she's doing better now yeah especially like going to like rehab like not saying anything to anyone like all of that like there's a lot of shame built into that which is unfortunate that like it's so

there's not really a workaround and like that's something you have to unlearn is that shame and I really love like shame is such an isolated negative feeling and then the second you like say it out loud it can't destroy your brain anymore and when people then don't voice that shame back to you and they're just like accepting and loving it makes it die a little quicker and quicker and quicker and it's yeah we would just all be some people need shame other people don't I agree all right that's the end of our episode thank you so much for tuning in for being here with us if you would like to see our beautiful faces we're stunning join our patreon it's a good time you can join in and see videos for don't blame me and but am i wrong you can also get ad free

episodes for don't blame me and but am i wrong we're putting up random things and we have a live stream as well which very fun we thoroughly enjoy every other friday ish two fridays came on yeah someone who i apparently have known and existed in the same town for so long and there's always i always reiterate this just because i want people to know that there are always new people who are in it so you're never going to be the only new one everybody's like so friendly and so nice people who've recently joined write in and like say that it wasn't scary and like you know and we'll tell people that and like judgment free zone we like hear all the drama and also i will say there's so many people who've been in it for years and we all like know each other

we've got the lingo we've got the backstory i do think we are incredibly good at no matter what if we make a reference we will explain it for everyone new and if you don't know just say it yeah and we like make sure that you are in on the inside joke immediately yeah and i just want to say also there's like not topics like it's not me and megan showing up and having a topic to discuss everybody we literally it would be like if everybody just came over to somebody's house and we were hanging out yeah and like some people are cooking dinner some people are drawing i have been editing my vlog and this is from i don't know if it was from the last live stream we did maybe maybe the one before um and like the background voice in it is it's like we're

talking about someone who like someone had gotten a car crash someone had been scammed and like we're just like going through and like everybody's talking about just like random stuff and i'll like turn on the audio and i go oh yeah i forgot about this so like it's just so it's so casual so easy and like very chill all right well thank you again for listening and join us again tomorrow for Fistine Friday. Yay. We'll see you next time. Bye.

Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.